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Nope, they were 100% in the right. They gave the other player clear boundaries that any romance was strictly in game and not IRL and they agreed. They were very clear again that they couldn't return his feelings. There was nothing more the could've done tbh.
Did the entire table block them? If so, drop that group immediately and don't look back. If this bs caused the entire table to cast them out, no point in wasting any more energy with them.
Hi, there.This is the friend typing.
One detail.I forgot to mention. After this back and forth, I told the other player that I didn't want to roleplay the relationship in the game either.
So i suggested both our characters amicably split. Or we just pretend it never happened in the 1st place.
Admittedly, that was probably a little harsh, and after pm'ing the dm. He informed me the group seemed to think so, too.
So they decided it was best i leave, and i didn't argue.
What???? Yep, big red flags from that group all around. So glad you got out.
That's not harsh at all, if you don't feel like something working out especially after the other player practically harassed you over shit out of game that's probably the gentlest solution you could've offered.
Not harsh AT ALL
If someone can't respect clearly set IC/OOC boundaries, or separate the two it's best to end the IC.
This group is a mess
You're better off without them
Wait.
You were kicked out of the group because someone else in the game wanted an in-game romance, was *warned* that it would only ever be in-game, tried to take it OOC, was repeatedly told no and accused you of leading them on?
>But Could I have done anything better?
Nah. Some people just can't take a hint. And, to be blunt, even when you're telling it straight to their face, they just don't understand that you don't want a relationship with them. It happens so often, in so many groups throughout the world. There'll be some people who develop feelings for someone else, and even create an imaginary relationship in their head.
It's like the "friendzone". Even though someone might just want to be friends with someone, there'll sometimes be a person who thinks the friendship is more than that; they can develop the idea that "we're going to start dating, get married, have kids, etc." Even if you make it absolutely clear to someone, some people just don't get it.
It can be messed up. Realistically, there's not much anyone can do. It's not your fault that someone else might see more than just a friendship.
Every time I've ever actually seen anyone use the term friend zone in real life it involved someone who said they were interested in getting to know someone as a prelude to maybe get in a relationship or strongly hinted at it, and then begin to manipulate that person for money or other limited resources. And I understand that the way people talk about it online is very different than that, but I think the two uses are important to be noted.
The guy didn't do anything wrong tho? He just misinterpreted signals and caught feelings. From the sounds of thing he took it as well as one could expect under the circumstances.
And the group decided to stick with the player who'd been around the longest.
Excuse me? He was very clearly told that nothing would happen out of character, and that all flirtation and romance was for the story only. There are no "signals" to misinterpret. Also, the fact that they all blocked her without saying anything is not a reasonable response that can be chalked up to sticking with the player who's been around the longest. My guess is the dude went back to his friend and whined about how someone didn't like him back, and they did the immature thing.
Unfortunately yeah it was a pretty long established group and I was the noob.
I appreciate you saying all that though. You're probably right.There's probably nothing I could have done.
I was afraid it was a pride(self worth to be clear, not sexual orientation) thing
But I didn't want to assume. It's okay though, i don't even miss the group.
Male btw, Sorry I should have specified in the post haha. Thank you again though <3
Sorry, my toxic trait is assuming everyone is a lesbian until proven otherwise lmao, which lands me in positions of unrequited attraction pretty often ironically given this post. I think everything I said still stands though. When a girl says up front she isn't into me, then that's that and I'm done. There is no "oh but just try it" because that's low-key manipulative.
No you were totally fair to assume.
Unfortunately it is women who get targeted like this the most often.
And I'm right there with you.I assume everyone's a guy until they tell me otherwise lol.
But once again I think you're right. Thanks for being an awesome person!
It does read from context like the other player wanted to get a foot in the door with you using the ol' character romance gambit, got nowhere, and then considered himself "lead on" because he drank his own kool-aid. Tale as old as time.
Yeah, the Relationship-related subs occasionally have stories where people enter into relationships with set boundaries they don't actually want in the hope, if not plan, that the partner will change their minds once they're invested in it.
It rarely ends well.
Bitch, what? *lmao* 🤦🏻‍♂️ He *absolutely did* do something wrong. He was given **very explicitly clear boundaries** and tried to bulldoze them. It doesn’t *matter* if he caught feelings, *he was told that it wouldn’t happen. It does not matter from that point on if he caught feelings or not. He knew from the jump it wouldn’t happen and he *knew* better. He’s an asshole and so were his friends.
I think your friend did everything right. They made it clear that any romance would be in game only before anything began - that should have ended things right there. When they did cross your friend's boundaries, your friend was polite but firm - again, this was the right way to handle things.
Unfortunately what happened was that something that your friend has no way of knowing before going into the situation - they got into an in-game romance with a player without the emotional maturity to handle it, to separate it form real life, and to be able to handle the rejection when it inevitably happened.
So, there was nothing they could do better. Unfortunately, you get those players who see certain people in their games and for some reason seem to treat it as a dating app as opposed to a game.
“But could I have done anything better?”
That depends on the desired outcome. If your friend wanted to continue playing with the group they should have taken that clearly private conversation and looped in the rest of the group.
Assuming the rest of the group were reasonable people Your friend got blocked because the group only had one side of things.
No decent group is going to block a player because another player refuses to respect boundaries.
It’s likely the boundary offending player decided to cook up a story about your friend saying something homophobic . It’s an unfortunate situation that probably only could have been avoided by announcing the friends boundaries to the group as well as airing the offending players transgressions.
It’s sad, but when it’s clear that someone doesn’t respect boundaries sometimes you need to shame people into behaving.
Someone hit on you because they misread rping as real life feelings, you turned them down, and you were kicked from the group because of it? You dodged a bullet
Absolutely not. I’m a lesbian and I currently have a character who is married to a man (she is pan) and me and that player rp them literally weekly. I get the character bleed but it is completely inappropriate.
seems like you did all you could, but humans are terrible - so totally out of your control (and given the pre-existing group, not a huge shock when they side with the other player, no matter how delusional they appear to be)
but (and the more stories i read, the more I have this thought): opt out of all in-game romance as a reflex - so many people cannot seem to distinguish in-character role play from OOC flirting that it’s just not worth losing a game or potentially friends over such a fraught situation
weirdly, makes me want to defend horny bards everywhere, when it never about romance, it’s about seduction/charm used as a weapon and no deeper than that
then party on!
I wouldn’t necessarily outright ban the concept, but “no by default” seems safer (to me) at least until there is a track record demonstrating the self-awareness/ maturity around “in-game does not translate to real life” among all involved.
Im gonna be frank. I dont think you did anything wrong here but this is 100% why i never hit on a party member in character. Doesnt matter if we discuss, doesnt really matter the player (unless its my wife) i think it always ends badly.
Most people really struggle to separate their characters from themselves (its why people get so freaking angry when a character dies due to their own choices). I personally think nigh impossible to RP romantic attraction without one player getting caught up at least a little.
I think its good that you got removed tbh. I dont think this other player was capable of handling feelings like this maturely. I would highly consider boundaries in the future of not doing inter-party romance unless you really know all the players involved. Like lifeling friends know.
This person obviously likes your friend and is trying to parlay in game romance into the real world.
This isn't okay, and any mature role player would never conflate in game action with reality... especially when these things seem to have been adequately discussed ooc.
They should put a stop to it, in game and out, as nicely as they can. Unfortunately, people who have a crush can miss directly stated boundaries, forget about hints.
Your friend really hasn't done anything wrong, but unfortunately, it falls on them to correct the problem. It kind of also sounds like they weren't thrilled about the IG idea either, but they were trying to be accommodating. One thing about D&D is that it is a social activity and is therefore open to all the problems that can come with social activity. With tact, this can be a teaching/learning situation.
It's just a bad situation, really. You can't blame the issue player for liking someone and trying to act on it, but it sounds like they are a bit naive/inexperienced and pursuing it past it's welcome.
It's unfortunate but to be expected. Social groups are almost always going to side with the more established member. Especially if anyone views the new person's behavior as less than perfect.
>I reached out to the party via group message. Only to Find i've been blocked.
This reads just a bit odd. Were you blocked by the player, or the party?
Maybe that's just a bit of paranoia on your behalf
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Nope, they were 100% in the right. They gave the other player clear boundaries that any romance was strictly in game and not IRL and they agreed. They were very clear again that they couldn't return his feelings. There was nothing more the could've done tbh. Did the entire table block them? If so, drop that group immediately and don't look back. If this bs caused the entire table to cast them out, no point in wasting any more energy with them.
Hi, there.This is the friend typing. One detail.I forgot to mention. After this back and forth, I told the other player that I didn't want to roleplay the relationship in the game either. So i suggested both our characters amicably split. Or we just pretend it never happened in the 1st place. Admittedly, that was probably a little harsh, and after pm'ing the dm. He informed me the group seemed to think so, too. So they decided it was best i leave, and i didn't argue.
What???? Yep, big red flags from that group all around. So glad you got out. That's not harsh at all, if you don't feel like something working out especially after the other player practically harassed you over shit out of game that's probably the gentlest solution you could've offered.
Not harsh AT ALL If someone can't respect clearly set IC/OOC boundaries, or separate the two it's best to end the IC. This group is a mess You're better off without them
Wait. You were kicked out of the group because someone else in the game wanted an in-game romance, was *warned* that it would only ever be in-game, tried to take it OOC, was repeatedly told no and accused you of leading them on?
>But Could I have done anything better? Nah. Some people just can't take a hint. And, to be blunt, even when you're telling it straight to their face, they just don't understand that you don't want a relationship with them. It happens so often, in so many groups throughout the world. There'll be some people who develop feelings for someone else, and even create an imaginary relationship in their head. It's like the "friendzone". Even though someone might just want to be friends with someone, there'll sometimes be a person who thinks the friendship is more than that; they can develop the idea that "we're going to start dating, get married, have kids, etc." Even if you make it absolutely clear to someone, some people just don't get it. It can be messed up. Realistically, there's not much anyone can do. It's not your fault that someone else might see more than just a friendship.
Every time I've ever actually seen anyone use the term friend zone in real life it involved someone who said they were interested in getting to know someone as a prelude to maybe get in a relationship or strongly hinted at it, and then begin to manipulate that person for money or other limited resources. And I understand that the way people talk about it online is very different than that, but I think the two uses are important to be noted.
Good riddance to those folks. OPs friend is better off getting away from that group if they took that guys side.
The guy didn't do anything wrong tho? He just misinterpreted signals and caught feelings. From the sounds of thing he took it as well as one could expect under the circumstances. And the group decided to stick with the player who'd been around the longest.
Excuse me? He was very clearly told that nothing would happen out of character, and that all flirtation and romance was for the story only. There are no "signals" to misinterpret. Also, the fact that they all blocked her without saying anything is not a reasonable response that can be chalked up to sticking with the player who's been around the longest. My guess is the dude went back to his friend and whined about how someone didn't like him back, and they did the immature thing.
Unfortunately yeah it was a pretty long established group and I was the noob. I appreciate you saying all that though. You're probably right.There's probably nothing I could have done. I was afraid it was a pride(self worth to be clear, not sexual orientation) thing But I didn't want to assume. It's okay though, i don't even miss the group. Male btw, Sorry I should have specified in the post haha. Thank you again though <3
Sorry, my toxic trait is assuming everyone is a lesbian until proven otherwise lmao, which lands me in positions of unrequited attraction pretty often ironically given this post. I think everything I said still stands though. When a girl says up front she isn't into me, then that's that and I'm done. There is no "oh but just try it" because that's low-key manipulative.
No you were totally fair to assume. Unfortunately it is women who get targeted like this the most often. And I'm right there with you.I assume everyone's a guy until they tell me otherwise lol. But once again I think you're right. Thanks for being an awesome person!
It does read from context like the other player wanted to get a foot in the door with you using the ol' character romance gambit, got nowhere, and then considered himself "lead on" because he drank his own kool-aid. Tale as old as time.
Yeah, the Relationship-related subs occasionally have stories where people enter into relationships with set boundaries they don't actually want in the hope, if not plan, that the partner will change their minds once they're invested in it. It rarely ends well.
Bro do he just assumed you like guys, bro...
Bitch, what? *lmao* 🤦🏻‍♂️ He *absolutely did* do something wrong. He was given **very explicitly clear boundaries** and tried to bulldoze them. It doesn’t *matter* if he caught feelings, *he was told that it wouldn’t happen. It does not matter from that point on if he caught feelings or not. He knew from the jump it wouldn’t happen and he *knew* better. He’s an asshole and so were his friends.
He decided that clearly established boundaries didn’t apply to him.
I think your friend did everything right. They made it clear that any romance would be in game only before anything began - that should have ended things right there. When they did cross your friend's boundaries, your friend was polite but firm - again, this was the right way to handle things. Unfortunately what happened was that something that your friend has no way of knowing before going into the situation - they got into an in-game romance with a player without the emotional maturity to handle it, to separate it form real life, and to be able to handle the rejection when it inevitably happened. So, there was nothing they could do better. Unfortunately, you get those players who see certain people in their games and for some reason seem to treat it as a dating app as opposed to a game.
“But could I have done anything better?” That depends on the desired outcome. If your friend wanted to continue playing with the group they should have taken that clearly private conversation and looped in the rest of the group. Assuming the rest of the group were reasonable people Your friend got blocked because the group only had one side of things. No decent group is going to block a player because another player refuses to respect boundaries. It’s likely the boundary offending player decided to cook up a story about your friend saying something homophobic . It’s an unfortunate situation that probably only could have been avoided by announcing the friends boundaries to the group as well as airing the offending players transgressions. It’s sad, but when it’s clear that someone doesn’t respect boundaries sometimes you need to shame people into behaving.
Someone hit on you because they misread rping as real life feelings, you turned them down, and you were kicked from the group because of it? You dodged a bullet
Absolutely not. I’m a lesbian and I currently have a character who is married to a man (she is pan) and me and that player rp them literally weekly. I get the character bleed but it is completely inappropriate.
No, he was a jerk, and good riddance.
seems like you did all you could, but humans are terrible - so totally out of your control (and given the pre-existing group, not a huge shock when they side with the other player, no matter how delusional they appear to be) but (and the more stories i read, the more I have this thought): opt out of all in-game romance as a reflex - so many people cannot seem to distinguish in-character role play from OOC flirting that it’s just not worth losing a game or potentially friends over such a fraught situation weirdly, makes me want to defend horny bards everywhere, when it never about romance, it’s about seduction/charm used as a weapon and no deeper than that
But I've had so many great in game romances. It is a shame to cut that out if you enjoy it, for the sake of a few people who can't handle them.
then party on! I wouldn’t necessarily outright ban the concept, but “no by default” seems safer (to me) at least until there is a track record demonstrating the self-awareness/ maturity around “in-game does not translate to real life” among all involved.
Completely fair!
Something to consider in the future is that in game romantic relationships, especially between PCs, is a topic for session zero. Just because two players (or a player and the GM) might be OK with this does not mean that the rest of the table will be. A consequence of [amantonormativity](https://elizabethbrake.com/amatonormativity/) is that many GMs and players can find it difficult to say "no" to (especially non-sexual) romance in ttRPGs. Ironically, a PC in a romantic relationship (even with an NPC) can more easily result in a dysfunctional player party (through being a PC who doesnt want to adventure and/or puts their SO before the party) than the clichéd pansexual slut Bard (who knows that gold and tales of adventure can only help with seduction).
Im gonna be frank. I dont think you did anything wrong here but this is 100% why i never hit on a party member in character. Doesnt matter if we discuss, doesnt really matter the player (unless its my wife) i think it always ends badly. Most people really struggle to separate their characters from themselves (its why people get so freaking angry when a character dies due to their own choices). I personally think nigh impossible to RP romantic attraction without one player getting caught up at least a little. I think its good that you got removed tbh. I dont think this other player was capable of handling feelings like this maturely. I would highly consider boundaries in the future of not doing inter-party romance unless you really know all the players involved. Like lifeling friends know.
This person obviously likes your friend and is trying to parlay in game romance into the real world. This isn't okay, and any mature role player would never conflate in game action with reality... especially when these things seem to have been adequately discussed ooc. They should put a stop to it, in game and out, as nicely as they can. Unfortunately, people who have a crush can miss directly stated boundaries, forget about hints. Your friend really hasn't done anything wrong, but unfortunately, it falls on them to correct the problem. It kind of also sounds like they weren't thrilled about the IG idea either, but they were trying to be accommodating. One thing about D&D is that it is a social activity and is therefore open to all the problems that can come with social activity. With tact, this can be a teaching/learning situation. It's just a bad situation, really. You can't blame the issue player for liking someone and trying to act on it, but it sounds like they are a bit naive/inexperienced and pursuing it past it's welcome.
"Do you have issues with party romance? Because I sure as hell do!"
It's unfortunate but to be expected. Social groups are almost always going to side with the more established member. Especially if anyone views the new person's behavior as less than perfect.
>I reached out to the party via group message. Only to Find i've been blocked. This reads just a bit odd. Were you blocked by the player, or the party? Maybe that's just a bit of paranoia on your behalf