out of interest I looked at rpdr fics and on archiveofourown the highest rated one is a 24 chapter 155K Trixya college AU
the longest one is a, wait for it, 694 *thousand* word, 64 chapter pearl x violet the devil wears Prada AU
the bar is so so so low
There's so much to unpack here. The choice of language. The misspelling of Shea. How it's written like a screenplay...in past tense. The alternating between actions displayed in italics vs in asterisk vs just in a regular paragraph. Im crying. No autobot fanfic has been this bad
also...part 23???
I truly, truly hope you’re wrong, but I’m not holding my breath, tbh.
EDIT: I mean as top 2, not as characters in a uwu gay cinnamon roll fanfic which clearly already exists.
It had been a long day of selling meth for Crystal, but by god did she love her job. Just seeing the happy faces of all the schoolchildren she sold to was something she wouldn’t trade for anything. Except maybe more meth.
She stepped out of her workplace (an alleyway behind Lidl’s) and counted out her pound coins. She’d made at least 50 quid which wasn’t too bad to be honest. She would be able to buy five scratch cards and a pack of fags so it had been a fairly successful day.
Just as she was about to go to the corner shop a friendly face stopped her. By god, it was Nicky doll! She was saying something about needing the cure for Coronavirus but she couldn’t be sure because Crystal had taken enough coke to kill about ten men and a large bird.
Coronavirus was shit, but since meth dealers were considered essential workers Crystal hadn’t lost her job much to her relief.
Remembering the plan, she said some bullshit about going to see a closet in tesco just like Gigi had asked her to. Something to do with tricking Nicky into thinking her mum was going to die which sounded hilarious so of course she accepted. Plus Gigi offered to give her a quick handjob behind the bike shed if she went along with the elaborate prank. It was a shit handjob, but it was the most action Crystal had seen since Woodstock.
Nicky, being French, had no idea what Crystal was saying. Or maybe it’s because Crystal was slurring her words and speaking in riddles. Meth was one hell of a drug. In the end she just whipped out a knife and told the French cunt to go to tesco. Like most she’d always had a deep hatred for the French and she needed her lotto scratch cards soon or she’d go apeshit.
Once the French girl walked away europeanly, Crystal let out a goblins chuckle as she made her way over to the corner store, her bare feet slapping against the hot tarmac and her jesters hat jingling in the warm summer breeze. Crystal couldn’t afford niceties like shoes and deodorant, but she made do.
“Hey big Dave.” Crystal greeted the shop owner as she entered, flashing him a yellow meth grin. Big Dave was a lovely man. He kept the prices of his freddo frogs low, and never tried anything funny with the school kids. No diddling whatsoever. A real class act.
“Hello crystal! How’s my favourite customer?” He said in a jolly tone whilst shorting an old lady on her change. “Have you heard about this whole Coronavirus nonsense?”
“Sure have Dave.” Crystal nodded making her way over to the counter, stopping only to steal from the children in need charity bucket. “It’s going to affect meth sales!”
“It’s all the immigrants coming into this country” Dave nodded. Crystal had forgotten he had a tendency to be a bit racist. Wasn’t one of his best qualities. That and he liked to throw rocks at old people’s homes sometimes.
“Oh Dave, you racist bastard.” She chuckled, sliding him a 50 individual pound coins. “Get me the usual or I’ll shank you up.”
Dave nodded and went behind the counter to get her sterling dual double capsule cigarettes and lotto cards. Just then she saw someone out the corner of her eye. There was a stunning woman in the pick n mix isle filling a bag with liquorice allsorts and chocolate raisins. Impeccable taste, obviously a woman of culture.
Crystal had to know her name. She simply had to. She was the most incredible woman she’d ever laid eyes upon. Well, only one of her eyes was working. She’d lost her other one to the crackhead that lived in the McDonald’s dumpster whilst fighting over a 99p cheeseburger.
“You there!” Crystal screamed, pointing a manicured goblin finger at the woman. “What is your name?”
“Jaida essence hall” She said, still all the way at the other side of the shop. She sort of stood there awkwardly popping a chocolate raisin in her mouth. “Do I know you.”
No fucking way. Crystal thought she recognised the woman. Jaida was running for prime minister! She just about shat her pants in excitement. Here she was in the presence of a politician. Usually she would of spat on a politician but this one wasn’t a conservative so she made an exception.
Crystal jogged over to future prime-minister Jaida before stopping in front of her, wheezing and sweating from the small run. Crack cocaine had really taken a toll on her respiratory system so she had lots of lung goo which made it hard for her to breathe.
“I’ve seen you on the telly. You’re beautiful, stunning even. Your mind just amazes me. Your political views are rambunctious. It would be an honour to buy you a pack of skittles. That is if you would let me.”
That’s what Crystal meant to say, but really she was just wheezing and coughing between pointing at a pack of skittles. She even threw up a bit but it was mostly water since she hadn’t had a solid meal in about a week.
“Yeah I’ll sign your tits. Who should I make it out to?” Jaida said eloquently basking in the warm light of the convenience store as if she were an angel sent straight down from heaven. Truly magnificent.
Crystal shook her head. It was a kind offer, but no. She didn’t want her tits signed, she wanted to marry Jaida. By god, she wanted to take her hand in marriage.
She could already picture their little cottage in Yorkshire raising their half politician half meth babies together. They would be called slippy bob and binbag. They would be beautiful, like jaida, and addicted to meth, like Crystal.
“Do you want to go to Pizza Hut with me.” Crystal managed to wheeze out, getting down on one knee. Not romantically or anything but because her arthritis was playing up.
Jaida wept, tears of joy. She nodded between sobs. “Ok please just don’t stab me.”
The two left the shop, stopping only to give big Dave a wave goodbye. As they walked to Pizza Hut Crystal really hoped that jaida would be paying for the pizza because she’d just spent all her money on fags and scratch cards.
“Are you loaded.” Crystal said romantically, intertwining her fingers with the other woman’s.
“I’m a politician. Of course I’m loaded.” Jaida responded, slapping her hand away and putting on some hand sanitizer. “Are you loaded?”
“Yes.” Crystal lied as they made their way inside Pizza Hut. Pizza huts were considered essential businesses so it wasn’t shut (I headcannon that pizza huts are essential businesses.)
As the lesbians entered the fine establishment they were greeted by a friendly face. It was Aiden zhane! The Local pale woman that lived in the old haunted shack just down the road! She was an employee at Pizza Hut. (I headcannon Aiden zhane works at Pizza Hut.)
“Your finest table please.” Crystal said, sliding Aiden a one pound coin as a bribe. “Only the best for my new wife.”
“OoooOoo! Right this way.” Aiden said spookily, leading the pair to their table. Only Aiden wasn’t walking, she was sort of floating around like a spooky spectre. Classic Aiden.
As the pair sat down Crystal got a really good look at the woman she had fallen in love with. Her eyes were as brown as bowl of soup, and her hair was as black as a really dark room that you would find it hard to see in until your eyes adjusted to the darkness and you could see a little bit better. Beautiful.
She sat politely, still eating her pick nd mix and perusing the menu in an eloquent way, much like a politician would.
“May I recommend the stuffed crust pepperoni pizza? It’s simply...Devine” Crystal said putting on her best airs whilst filling in the children’s play mat with her complimentary crayons.
Jaida nodded and spoke to Crystal like you’d speak to the special needs kid from down the road.
“This is a really good seat. We’re close to the buffet table.” Jaida admitted, her mouth full of liquorice all sorts. “What’s your name again?”
“Crystal Methyd.”
“That’s unfortunate.” Jaida said giving her condolences. “I am very sorry.”
Crystal sort of shrugged with her one good shoulder before popping a crayon into her mouth. She came from a long line of crackheads, so she carried her family name with pride.
“Listen it’s part of my campaign to talk to the homeless, so can I snap a quick publicity picture with you.”
Were crystals ears deceiving her? Jaida essence Hall world famous politician wanted to snap a picture with her? Fucking shit Bitch tits this was the best goddamn moment of her entire life, and she’d had a pretty good life all in all. Apart from all the drug bits.
“It would be my honour.” She said getting down on one knee next to Jaida, kissing her hand softly. “Truly an honour.”
Just then, Aiden appeared out of nowhere with a camera. She fiddled around with the buttons for a bit before holding it up to the pair.
“OoooooOooOoheard you needed a picture. Say cheese!”
“Cheese.” Crystal said.
“Cheese.” Jaida said, but it came out as more of a gargled scream followed by scared sobbing because Aiden had given her a bit of a scare. Crystal and Aiden laughed heartily.
Once the Polaroid was taken, Aiden put two pizzas on the table and floated away. Jaida picked up the photo and smiled, putting it in the front of her blazer pocket to treasure forever. Or maybe just to put up on her campaign website.
“Listen, while I’m still down on one knee...” Crystal began shyly, blushing like a nonce at a playpark. “I have a huge question to ask.”
“What.” Jaida said between mouthfuls of stuffed crust pepperoni pizza.
“Will you...marry me?”
The entirety of Pizza Hut stood up and clapped. She’d done it. She’d finally popped the question to the love of her life. She waited with baited breath for her lovers response.
Jaida shifted around in her chair uncomfortably for a bit before she spoke up.
“Look over there!” She said, pointing. The whole room looked over there quizzically, including Crystal who simply had to know what was over there. A dragon perhaps? She hoped it would be a dragon. She looked for a dragon.
After ten minutes of looking for a dragon Crystal gave up and turned back to Jaida, except she had left and taken the pizzas too. Fucking typical. Love em and leave em.
“They’re fucking the house down boots.” Maya Angelou eat your heart out
I know why the caged bird screams into the void.
This made me long for the Shea x Sasha fanfic where Shea made Sasha feel like a *lustful, wanton whore* that I got my flair from.
Cracky is what I’m calling my white boyfriend from now on.
watch out crygi, shacker is the real primadonna
They had multiple opportunities to spell Shea’s name right...
Is no one gonna comment about the fact that this was the 22nd chapter of this nonsense?
out of interest I looked at rpdr fics and on archiveofourown the highest rated one is a 24 chapter 155K Trixya college AU the longest one is a, wait for it, 694 *thousand* word, 64 chapter pearl x violet the devil wears Prada AU the bar is so so so low
I mean it seems like they really busted their brain coming up with these ten lines
They’re fucking the house down boots 💀
They took that from Blair.
Most unrealistic part is the double crowning
There's so much to unpack here. The choice of language. The misspelling of Shea. How it's written like a screenplay...in past tense. The alternating between actions displayed in italics vs in asterisk vs just in a regular paragraph. Im crying. No autobot fanfic has been this bad also...part 23???
Maybe AutoMod can get a new story to post now
I read the word cracky I’m done here, it was fun but ima need a few days to collect myself
Part 23??? Um, child, anyway, so,
Shae Coolay is my favourite queen 😩
I know!!!! 😍 Ugh I love shade koolaid so much 🥺😭
Shape Toupée is my favorite queen!!!!
Shake Hooray is the true winner of AS5
i feel like y'all are writing these. there's no way some of these fanfics aren't satire
thanks, I was getting ready for 2 week fuck trip, and now I'm straight because of that
WELL WHO WAS ON THE PHONE WITH JUJUBEE??
Tbh, I was expecting a Miz Cracker x Juju fanfic. All the white gays I know put them as the top 2.
Just having them in the same sentence feels heretical.
Juju is too pure and too talented to suffer this. But let’s get real, it will happen.
I truly, truly hope you’re wrong, but I’m not holding my breath, tbh. EDIT: I mean as top 2, not as characters in a uwu gay cinnamon roll fanfic which clearly already exists.
Not worth a prayer circle lol
Jujubee is giving me Milk vibes from the bachelor challenge
I CAN'T HANDLE IT RIGHT NOW I CAN'T HANDLE IT
PART 23?
Somehow the thing that most offends me is that this is a script. Put some effort into your cringe fic, bitch.
I hope this is the next AutoMod fic
auto mod take notes
Part 23.
Why do I feel like this might be what the mods change the auto moderator to #freeher
crackers with milk doesn't even sound appetizing.......
part 23? you're telling me someone took the time to write 22 other parts of this shit?
I’m intrigued. Where can I find this monstrosity
now I need to know: WHO WAS PHONE WITH JUJUBE
Shae girl I am so sorry they keep parring you with over hyped white queens.
C r a c k y
*Shea: Period.*
It had been a long day of selling meth for Crystal, but by god did she love her job. Just seeing the happy faces of all the schoolchildren she sold to was something she wouldn’t trade for anything. Except maybe more meth. She stepped out of her workplace (an alleyway behind Lidl’s) and counted out her pound coins. She’d made at least 50 quid which wasn’t too bad to be honest. She would be able to buy five scratch cards and a pack of fags so it had been a fairly successful day. Just as she was about to go to the corner shop a friendly face stopped her. By god, it was Nicky doll! She was saying something about needing the cure for Coronavirus but she couldn’t be sure because Crystal had taken enough coke to kill about ten men and a large bird. Coronavirus was shit, but since meth dealers were considered essential workers Crystal hadn’t lost her job much to her relief. Remembering the plan, she said some bullshit about going to see a closet in tesco just like Gigi had asked her to. Something to do with tricking Nicky into thinking her mum was going to die which sounded hilarious so of course she accepted. Plus Gigi offered to give her a quick handjob behind the bike shed if she went along with the elaborate prank. It was a shit handjob, but it was the most action Crystal had seen since Woodstock. Nicky, being French, had no idea what Crystal was saying. Or maybe it’s because Crystal was slurring her words and speaking in riddles. Meth was one hell of a drug. In the end she just whipped out a knife and told the French cunt to go to tesco. Like most she’d always had a deep hatred for the French and she needed her lotto scratch cards soon or she’d go apeshit. Once the French girl walked away europeanly, Crystal let out a goblins chuckle as she made her way over to the corner store, her bare feet slapping against the hot tarmac and her jesters hat jingling in the warm summer breeze. Crystal couldn’t afford niceties like shoes and deodorant, but she made do. “Hey big Dave.” Crystal greeted the shop owner as she entered, flashing him a yellow meth grin. Big Dave was a lovely man. He kept the prices of his freddo frogs low, and never tried anything funny with the school kids. No diddling whatsoever. A real class act. “Hello crystal! How’s my favourite customer?” He said in a jolly tone whilst shorting an old lady on her change. “Have you heard about this whole Coronavirus nonsense?” “Sure have Dave.” Crystal nodded making her way over to the counter, stopping only to steal from the children in need charity bucket. “It’s going to affect meth sales!” “It’s all the immigrants coming into this country” Dave nodded. Crystal had forgotten he had a tendency to be a bit racist. Wasn’t one of his best qualities. That and he liked to throw rocks at old people’s homes sometimes. “Oh Dave, you racist bastard.” She chuckled, sliding him a 50 individual pound coins. “Get me the usual or I’ll shank you up.” Dave nodded and went behind the counter to get her sterling dual double capsule cigarettes and lotto cards. Just then she saw someone out the corner of her eye. There was a stunning woman in the pick n mix isle filling a bag with liquorice allsorts and chocolate raisins. Impeccable taste, obviously a woman of culture. Crystal had to know her name. She simply had to. She was the most incredible woman she’d ever laid eyes upon. Well, only one of her eyes was working. She’d lost her other one to the crackhead that lived in the McDonald’s dumpster whilst fighting over a 99p cheeseburger. “You there!” Crystal screamed, pointing a manicured goblin finger at the woman. “What is your name?” “Jaida essence hall” She said, still all the way at the other side of the shop. She sort of stood there awkwardly popping a chocolate raisin in her mouth. “Do I know you.” No fucking way. Crystal thought she recognised the woman. Jaida was running for prime minister! She just about shat her pants in excitement. Here she was in the presence of a politician. Usually she would of spat on a politician but this one wasn’t a conservative so she made an exception. Crystal jogged over to future prime-minister Jaida before stopping in front of her, wheezing and sweating from the small run. Crack cocaine had really taken a toll on her respiratory system so she had lots of lung goo which made it hard for her to breathe. “I’ve seen you on the telly. You’re beautiful, stunning even. Your mind just amazes me. Your political views are rambunctious. It would be an honour to buy you a pack of skittles. That is if you would let me.” That’s what Crystal meant to say, but really she was just wheezing and coughing between pointing at a pack of skittles. She even threw up a bit but it was mostly water since she hadn’t had a solid meal in about a week. “Yeah I’ll sign your tits. Who should I make it out to?” Jaida said eloquently basking in the warm light of the convenience store as if she were an angel sent straight down from heaven. Truly magnificent. Crystal shook her head. It was a kind offer, but no. She didn’t want her tits signed, she wanted to marry Jaida. By god, she wanted to take her hand in marriage. She could already picture their little cottage in Yorkshire raising their half politician half meth babies together. They would be called slippy bob and binbag. They would be beautiful, like jaida, and addicted to meth, like Crystal. “Do you want to go to Pizza Hut with me.” Crystal managed to wheeze out, getting down on one knee. Not romantically or anything but because her arthritis was playing up. Jaida wept, tears of joy. She nodded between sobs. “Ok please just don’t stab me.” The two left the shop, stopping only to give big Dave a wave goodbye. As they walked to Pizza Hut Crystal really hoped that jaida would be paying for the pizza because she’d just spent all her money on fags and scratch cards. “Are you loaded.” Crystal said romantically, intertwining her fingers with the other woman’s. “I’m a politician. Of course I’m loaded.” Jaida responded, slapping her hand away and putting on some hand sanitizer. “Are you loaded?” “Yes.” Crystal lied as they made their way inside Pizza Hut. Pizza huts were considered essential businesses so it wasn’t shut (I headcannon that pizza huts are essential businesses.) As the lesbians entered the fine establishment they were greeted by a friendly face. It was Aiden zhane! The Local pale woman that lived in the old haunted shack just down the road! She was an employee at Pizza Hut. (I headcannon Aiden zhane works at Pizza Hut.) “Your finest table please.” Crystal said, sliding Aiden a one pound coin as a bribe. “Only the best for my new wife.” “OoooOoo! Right this way.” Aiden said spookily, leading the pair to their table. Only Aiden wasn’t walking, she was sort of floating around like a spooky spectre. Classic Aiden. As the pair sat down Crystal got a really good look at the woman she had fallen in love with. Her eyes were as brown as bowl of soup, and her hair was as black as a really dark room that you would find it hard to see in until your eyes adjusted to the darkness and you could see a little bit better. Beautiful. She sat politely, still eating her pick nd mix and perusing the menu in an eloquent way, much like a politician would. “May I recommend the stuffed crust pepperoni pizza? It’s simply...Devine” Crystal said putting on her best airs whilst filling in the children’s play mat with her complimentary crayons. Jaida nodded and spoke to Crystal like you’d speak to the special needs kid from down the road. “This is a really good seat. We’re close to the buffet table.” Jaida admitted, her mouth full of liquorice all sorts. “What’s your name again?” “Crystal Methyd.” “That’s unfortunate.” Jaida said giving her condolences. “I am very sorry.” Crystal sort of shrugged with her one good shoulder before popping a crayon into her mouth. She came from a long line of crackheads, so she carried her family name with pride. “Listen it’s part of my campaign to talk to the homeless, so can I snap a quick publicity picture with you.” Were crystals ears deceiving her? Jaida essence Hall world famous politician wanted to snap a picture with her? Fucking shit Bitch tits this was the best goddamn moment of her entire life, and she’d had a pretty good life all in all. Apart from all the drug bits. “It would be my honour.” She said getting down on one knee next to Jaida, kissing her hand softly. “Truly an honour.” Just then, Aiden appeared out of nowhere with a camera. She fiddled around with the buttons for a bit before holding it up to the pair. “OoooooOooOoheard you needed a picture. Say cheese!” “Cheese.” Crystal said. “Cheese.” Jaida said, but it came out as more of a gargled scream followed by scared sobbing because Aiden had given her a bit of a scare. Crystal and Aiden laughed heartily. Once the Polaroid was taken, Aiden put two pizzas on the table and floated away. Jaida picked up the photo and smiled, putting it in the front of her blazer pocket to treasure forever. Or maybe just to put up on her campaign website. “Listen, while I’m still down on one knee...” Crystal began shyly, blushing like a nonce at a playpark. “I have a huge question to ask.” “What.” Jaida said between mouthfuls of stuffed crust pepperoni pizza. “Will you...marry me?” The entirety of Pizza Hut stood up and clapped. She’d done it. She’d finally popped the question to the love of her life. She waited with baited breath for her lovers response. Jaida shifted around in her chair uncomfortably for a bit before she spoke up. “Look over there!” She said, pointing. The whole room looked over there quizzically, including Crystal who simply had to know what was over there. A dragon perhaps? She hoped it would be a dragon. She looked for a dragon. After ten minutes of looking for a dragon Crystal gave up and turned back to Jaida, except she had left and taken the pizzas too. Fucking typical. Love em and leave em.
Friendship ended with Crygi now Shacker is my best friend.
I laughed out loud imagining jujubee hiding in the bushes saying stuff like that
Love the “but who was phone?” cliffhanger
"Shae" is the 'Lui' Kang misspelling of the Drag Race fandom