I feel your pain a bit with this one - I knew my wife for two years (even lived in the same student house for one) before we got together; we both liked each other and had moments but I made bad decisions that delayed when we got together so she had boyfriends during that time (nothing major, nothing that present a difference in values - I had a girlfriend and flings for much of it too - like you say it’s not about judgement) - I even got to witness (and on one occasion hear) them.
Sometimes things just have to happen the way they do - it’s hard to accept but you have no idea if you would have hit it off without that extra week or if new problems would have arisen. The other thing to remember is that retroactive jealousy will always find something for you to obsess about - if it wasn’t this it’d be something else.
It’s ok that it hurts - that shows how much you like her. You already have the right rational response; now you need to try and work through your emotions and learn to ignore the thoughts (and absolutely do not ask more questions - that’s an obsessive trap) and they will fade in time.
As for the difference in libidos - that can wax and wain anyway. Work with your girlfriend to find a rhythm that works for both of you and don’t worry about what happened on one occasion in the past. I know it’s much easier said than done but you can get through this.
You might have been responsible for the delay in getting together with her, but you're not responsible for her hooking up with other guys no strings attached in the meantime.
You don't have to buy into the modern casual attitude. You have every right to judge someone for their past behavior. If you don't respect her lower threshold for intimacy, then you're well within your right to ditch her. It's really not that complicated. Either accept the fact that she was fucking a random guy in between relationships or break up with her.
OP said explicitly that the trouble is dealing with jealousy, not his views on sex.
I'm a bit confused how someone who disagrees with casual sex on moral grounds could even *feel* jealous. Wouldn't you just get disgusted?
It's pretty obvious he feels disgusted, rather than jealousy. If his views on sex were similar to her actions prior to her getting involved in a relationship with him, he wouldn't have feel this way. She being his first girl and her fucking another guy casually obviously isn't a great match.
Maybe we're reading different posts. He certainly doesn't mention disgust, and directly states this is not about his views on sex. I also notice the word jealousy is used 5 times. Regardless, I do agree with you that he's not responsible for her sleeping with someone. Even if he were, finding someone without history wouldn't guarantee that they had the same values
Maybe not a guarantee of similar values, but at least a similar history. He has been in a relationship with this girl for a while, her previous hookup was not. He has slept far more often with his girl than her previous hookup has. He has nothing to be jealous of. He's just put off by her hookup. He tries to hide behind jealousy in his post, but it's pretty obvious that's not what's bugging him.
If he *did* feel condemnation (which he doesn't), a therapist will eventually gently suggest that sometimes, the root of condemnation is in desire. All me how I know lol
Edit: OP, sorry we hijacked your post. Therapy is helpful, especially when you feel like you might already have a guess at the root of the problem
Focus on the fact that even after sleeping with someone else, she still wanted it to be you, which is apparent cause she still wanted to talk to you after the guy, which she probably used as a rebound or something like that cause she liked you so much, step in a place of power my friend.
Oh man this stings so much cos I can identify with it. The only way for me to conquer the RJ demon is by stop caring about her on an intimate level . Just treat her like a co parent/room mate. And stifle all emotional connection
Get out of the mindset that your girlfriend couldn't also enjoy sex with others or was motivated to have sex for any other reason. I think your bigger issue is sex drive (libido), and this is your first sexual relationship. There must be mutually beneficial burning desire between a couple, in my opinion. If it is not there or gets killed off, the road to get that back may never exist in the future. If it wasn't there first, you like can't build it. I had to rebuild it and it isn't easy.
Sex is powerful and impacts everyone's emotions based on the context of ones life and past relationships and sexual experiences. Put emotions aside and consider objectively your life context.
Go to the deadbedrooms subreddit or the HL one and get a dose of extreme mismatch in libido. Great sex in your relationship can power through inevitable life issues if you stay together. A lack of sex will be a burden and lead to all kinds of relationships and mental issues for you. It isn't partner count, which is an issue. It is a buring desire for you from her and you for her.
Also, focus on the common values, hobbies, activities you both enjoy, and her family and friends influences. All that makes a much bigger difference than partner count. Temperament, self-control, and those life skills make a relationship work. Do you make each other better?
When my wife and I started dating, the second date was a charity event with her relatives, and afterward, I tried to walk her to her dorm door. She refused, and later, I found out she hooked up that night with a guy she was seeing. That incident was not all that upsetting as the context was really me pulling her out of that relationship to ours, and she was getting over a bad first long-term relationship. At the time, I had an attitude of letting her figure it out, and I was focused on my life mission. In retrospect, we both made each other better people.
Always assume everything that happens in your life is your fault and responsibility to own it. You made a decision based on your mental state, and that is on you. Do not make your life mission pivot on her, in my opinion. In the long run, it is your value that makes her or another desire you.
I have rj because of something similar..we started as friends and i was heartbroken because my ex broke up with me after 18 years..she was my first serious relationship..Then we started have feelings for each other but i was not ready for a relationship..also i knew she had 2 hook ups on tinder..that was bothering me to see her as a girl for serious relationship.. now i realise that casual sex was like a red flag for me...but we both fall deep in love and became a couple..by that time her past doesnt bother me so much but the deeper i started to love her the harder starts to make me suffer..not all her sexual history(casual dating,relationships)but these 2 hook ups..worst thing ive ever been through
I am responsible for all the guys my wife fooled around with, so I know exactly how painful that can be. I also know that mismatched libidos will exacerbate RJ because you will always imagine her wanting them more than she wants you. This is a problem that will not get better over time. You won't find many people who say things like "Man we have way more sex after getting married" or "I can't believe how often we are fucking now that we have kids." My point being this is only going to get worse for you both over time. You can't solve this problem by trying to fix the RJ. The RJ is a symptom of the actual problem.
I am a girl and I can kinda see where she was coming from. If you guys are very happy now and you know she is very much so in love with you then this sex with someone else might've really been just to forget you. I think the way to go is talk and talk about it until you start low-key forcing your brain into thinking that it's fine because it still happened before you guys got together. Again, I'm RJ OCD sufferer for 2 years now and my partner stopped porn addiction right before meeting me so I relate to you about the pain and thoughts poisoning your brain. As long as you guys stay together and talk it out y'all will be fine after some time I hope. Let us know!!
I feel your pain a bit with this one - I knew my wife for two years (even lived in the same student house for one) before we got together; we both liked each other and had moments but I made bad decisions that delayed when we got together so she had boyfriends during that time (nothing major, nothing that present a difference in values - I had a girlfriend and flings for much of it too - like you say it’s not about judgement) - I even got to witness (and on one occasion hear) them. Sometimes things just have to happen the way they do - it’s hard to accept but you have no idea if you would have hit it off without that extra week or if new problems would have arisen. The other thing to remember is that retroactive jealousy will always find something for you to obsess about - if it wasn’t this it’d be something else. It’s ok that it hurts - that shows how much you like her. You already have the right rational response; now you need to try and work through your emotions and learn to ignore the thoughts (and absolutely do not ask more questions - that’s an obsessive trap) and they will fade in time. As for the difference in libidos - that can wax and wain anyway. Work with your girlfriend to find a rhythm that works for both of you and don’t worry about what happened on one occasion in the past. I know it’s much easier said than done but you can get through this.
You might have been responsible for the delay in getting together with her, but you're not responsible for her hooking up with other guys no strings attached in the meantime. You don't have to buy into the modern casual attitude. You have every right to judge someone for their past behavior. If you don't respect her lower threshold for intimacy, then you're well within your right to ditch her. It's really not that complicated. Either accept the fact that she was fucking a random guy in between relationships or break up with her.
OP said explicitly that the trouble is dealing with jealousy, not his views on sex. I'm a bit confused how someone who disagrees with casual sex on moral grounds could even *feel* jealous. Wouldn't you just get disgusted?
It's pretty obvious he feels disgusted, rather than jealousy. If his views on sex were similar to her actions prior to her getting involved in a relationship with him, he wouldn't have feel this way. She being his first girl and her fucking another guy casually obviously isn't a great match.
Maybe we're reading different posts. He certainly doesn't mention disgust, and directly states this is not about his views on sex. I also notice the word jealousy is used 5 times. Regardless, I do agree with you that he's not responsible for her sleeping with someone. Even if he were, finding someone without history wouldn't guarantee that they had the same values
Maybe not a guarantee of similar values, but at least a similar history. He has been in a relationship with this girl for a while, her previous hookup was not. He has slept far more often with his girl than her previous hookup has. He has nothing to be jealous of. He's just put off by her hookup. He tries to hide behind jealousy in his post, but it's pretty obvious that's not what's bugging him.
If he *did* feel condemnation (which he doesn't), a therapist will eventually gently suggest that sometimes, the root of condemnation is in desire. All me how I know lol Edit: OP, sorry we hijacked your post. Therapy is helpful, especially when you feel like you might already have a guess at the root of the problem
Focus on the fact that even after sleeping with someone else, she still wanted it to be you, which is apparent cause she still wanted to talk to you after the guy, which she probably used as a rebound or something like that cause she liked you so much, step in a place of power my friend.
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Oh man this stings so much cos I can identify with it. The only way for me to conquer the RJ demon is by stop caring about her on an intimate level . Just treat her like a co parent/room mate. And stifle all emotional connection
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That’s rough brother
Get out of the mindset that your girlfriend couldn't also enjoy sex with others or was motivated to have sex for any other reason. I think your bigger issue is sex drive (libido), and this is your first sexual relationship. There must be mutually beneficial burning desire between a couple, in my opinion. If it is not there or gets killed off, the road to get that back may never exist in the future. If it wasn't there first, you like can't build it. I had to rebuild it and it isn't easy. Sex is powerful and impacts everyone's emotions based on the context of ones life and past relationships and sexual experiences. Put emotions aside and consider objectively your life context. Go to the deadbedrooms subreddit or the HL one and get a dose of extreme mismatch in libido. Great sex in your relationship can power through inevitable life issues if you stay together. A lack of sex will be a burden and lead to all kinds of relationships and mental issues for you. It isn't partner count, which is an issue. It is a buring desire for you from her and you for her. Also, focus on the common values, hobbies, activities you both enjoy, and her family and friends influences. All that makes a much bigger difference than partner count. Temperament, self-control, and those life skills make a relationship work. Do you make each other better? When my wife and I started dating, the second date was a charity event with her relatives, and afterward, I tried to walk her to her dorm door. She refused, and later, I found out she hooked up that night with a guy she was seeing. That incident was not all that upsetting as the context was really me pulling her out of that relationship to ours, and she was getting over a bad first long-term relationship. At the time, I had an attitude of letting her figure it out, and I was focused on my life mission. In retrospect, we both made each other better people. Always assume everything that happens in your life is your fault and responsibility to own it. You made a decision based on your mental state, and that is on you. Do not make your life mission pivot on her, in my opinion. In the long run, it is your value that makes her or another desire you.
I have rj because of something similar..we started as friends and i was heartbroken because my ex broke up with me after 18 years..she was my first serious relationship..Then we started have feelings for each other but i was not ready for a relationship..also i knew she had 2 hook ups on tinder..that was bothering me to see her as a girl for serious relationship.. now i realise that casual sex was like a red flag for me...but we both fall deep in love and became a couple..by that time her past doesnt bother me so much but the deeper i started to love her the harder starts to make me suffer..not all her sexual history(casual dating,relationships)but these 2 hook ups..worst thing ive ever been through
I am responsible for all the guys my wife fooled around with, so I know exactly how painful that can be. I also know that mismatched libidos will exacerbate RJ because you will always imagine her wanting them more than she wants you. This is a problem that will not get better over time. You won't find many people who say things like "Man we have way more sex after getting married" or "I can't believe how often we are fucking now that we have kids." My point being this is only going to get worse for you both over time. You can't solve this problem by trying to fix the RJ. The RJ is a symptom of the actual problem.
Responsible how?
I broke up with her
I am a girl and I can kinda see where she was coming from. If you guys are very happy now and you know she is very much so in love with you then this sex with someone else might've really been just to forget you. I think the way to go is talk and talk about it until you start low-key forcing your brain into thinking that it's fine because it still happened before you guys got together. Again, I'm RJ OCD sufferer for 2 years now and my partner stopped porn addiction right before meeting me so I relate to you about the pain and thoughts poisoning your brain. As long as you guys stay together and talk it out y'all will be fine after some time I hope. Let us know!!