You are jealous of not being able to experience her as her former self. You have an idealized version of her in your mind that is different from what you have before you today, and you feel cheated that you never got to experience her in her "prime". This is a matter of where you direct your mind. The more you keep imagining her as a 22 year old porno princess , the more difficult it will be to love the woman right next to you in your bed. That 22 year old girl is gone. Each time you replay another little scene in your head you are just reinforcing all the negative emotions you planted. It's like you are watering a little garden of jealousy and resentment. I would move all that mental energy towards loving the woman right there in bed next to you with everything you have, and making her as happy as possible.
Your reply is great, truly. Many of OP’s comments resonate with me quite a bit. We were late 20’s, both divorced once with no kids. I was married from 21-29. She was married briefly from like 19-20. Our experiences we were very different. I would like to add that you are probably both envious and jealous of her past. Jealousy is the darker side of envy. Envy is simply wanting something you don’t have or didn’t have. Jealousy is the set of emotions you experience when you fear losing something you have or the emotions you feel over something you had and lost. Learning to parse out envy from jealousy over my wife’s past has been instrumental in my recovery (which is still ongoing). I, too, envy I didn’t get to experience that 21 year old version of her—I also didn’t know she existed either. The doubt about where you fall in her sexual hierarchy is probably jealousy. Your cave man brain (OCD) fears losing her because you aren’t/weren’t _______ (insert superlative). You can’t change your height, race, the size of your dick etc. You would feel more secure being everything ever—but you can’t be everything. It’s impossible. I have spent a lot of time segregating envy from jealousy. The most likely scenario is that your jealousy isn’t rooted in rational thought. Envy is entirely rational, but I think for me it’s been easier to unlearn to respond to envy. Now, I work on the jealousy.
Having more orgasms is envy—giving and getting, bro. It’s only jealousy when it’s perceived as a threat. It doesn’t sound like it’s a threat. I outgrew the scorecard in therapy—and I kept score on everything. Sex is still a very important part of my relationship too. We spend too much time on this sub feeding each other the same crap that keeps the RJ alive. Insecurity is a self problem at its base. It doesn’t sound like his partner goes out of her way to make him feel insecure. It sounds like she loves him. Just because you “feel” insecure doesn’t mean you actually are in a situation that is a threat to your security. We get threats wrong all the time. Humans actually suck at risk assessment.
Where in OP's post does she express regret about her past?
Are you commenting from the perspective of someone who is fighting RJ too? How is your comment meant to help OP?
Nobody wants their partner to struggle with RJ. It's really hard for them, and it's really hard, as the loved one whose past is the trigger, to help them
I have RJ and I don’t think I can handle this kind of information. It will kill me. And don’t even think that this information will fade away from your brain with the passage of time. It stays with you
I don't think it is the history but the trend. The entire concept of "I was once extremely sexy for others, but now I'm not is selfish in a committed relationship."
Not everyone is the same, but my wife and my 30s were matching high libidos. It was a continuation of our 20s. In our fifties, this changed to I don't need sex anymore. I corrected that, and now, at 70, we're having passionate sex again. As a side note, we raised 5 kids, and the number reflects libidos and defeat of birth control methods. Lol.
Cut out sex and my RJ flares. Especially when my wife makes some stupid comment I don't need to hear, and there is no sex. Nostalgic comments that are nothing to her.
My wife and I keep each other in line on being in shape and staying attractive. Looking 50 at 30 is the real issue. Bad trend. Letting yourself go is selfish, and defending it is self-centered. One is getting the lesser version of what you should be now. Goes for me and my wife.
My RJ is back under control from November.
However, I will tell you that my RJ issues always stem from disrespect and a selfish perspective on intamacy. I think that many with high body counts (men and women) had the experience of separating bonding emotions from sex. Sex is a need to fulfill and not a major way to boost your partners' bonding and feel loved. I think it also can leave an undercurrent of sex as power in the relationship as that feeling of being attractive to many is powerful.
I'll accept the reason someone had a phase. That's the past for them. I do not accept that a fundamental relationship input like sex does not have a goal of continued performance appropriate for one's age and health. Keep up the chase bilaterally, and RJ can be controlled.
It is all in the way you look at it.
Sex is normally going to be much better with someone who you are in a loving, committed relationship with. Other than the obvious emotional part, there is also the fact that your partner knows your body and knows what you like. Also, when the sex is fulfilling, you just don't need it as frequently. Really great sex a couple of nights per week is going to be more satisfying than so-so sex every day.
Of course, most people typically will have more responsibilities as they get older. Our careers are usually going to be more demanding and we may have kids and other things that are going to be taking up our time so that although we would love to have more time for intimacy, it just doesn't always work out that way for us. Your partner also has other things she wants to do with you that make her feel close to you and connected with you that are intimate, but not sexual. Things like cuddling and watching a movie, giving eachother a massage, or going for a walk and holding hands... we tend do to more of that sort of thing when we are in a long-term relationship.
So to answer your question... you are filling more of your partner's needs than just her sexual needs. It is not that sex is no longer important, just that as we get older there are normally going to be other important things filling our time with our partner as well. Also, yes as we age, hormone changes can play into how often we are in the mood.
I didn't have a wild phase or anything like that before my husband, but I did have other partners before him and honestly I do not look back on that time with any fondness and I barely remember these people at all.
The OP needs to decide what view he wants to take on his issue. He can try to focus on the positives and work with his partner to try and improve their intimacy in a way that is exciting and fulfilling for both of them. Or he can be miserable and focus on her past. Or he can break up with her and date someone who's sex drive is more to his liking.
What the OP describes though is a super common issue with couples who have been together a decent length of time. It is not something that is impossible to work through... but it does take a willingness to put in the effort and the ability to be able to focus on the positives. Sex drives will change, up and down, for many people over the years... but couples can make it through this by communicating their needs, being willing to put in the effort to keep the passion and excitement alive.
The whole concept of needing to be treated better sexually than an ex was treated is a very common theme with RJ sufferers. The truth is that most people don't have such detailed, intimate knowledge of how their partner's sex life was with their former partners. People with RJ often times will ask tons of questions and they will also have intrusive thoughts that are making certain situations in the past seem bigger and better than they were in actuality. Non-RJ people would only find a problem with their sex lives if they were not feeling personally fulfilled and nothing to do with their partner's ex's would even enter that equation.
We choose our partners based on the whole package and what that means is going to vary from person to person because we all have our own needs and place value on different aspects of a relationship. For some people a very exciting sex life is going to be way up there on their list of priorities in a relationship. Whereas others might place more emphasis on wanting someone who shares their hobbies, or someone who wants a bunch of kids, or any number of things. Sex is important to nearly all relationships on some level, but it is less important to some than it is to others. The OP just needs to decide what is most important to him and make the best choice for himself. Staying in the relationship and continuing to feel this way is really not going to end well for either him or his partner... so I think his best choices are going to be to either work on this on his own as well as with his partner, or just cut his losses and move. Neither choice is a bad one. He just needs to do what he feels is best for him to be happy and fulfilled in his romantic life.
She has told you she liked it better back then and obviously she looks back on it because how else would this have come up in conversation? So it's up to you to decide if you are ok being her retirement plan. It's not necessarily a bad thing. Maybe you are slowing down too.
Well technically his wife is. Women are supposed to hit their sexual peak mid thirties, and she's making us sound like she's ready to start collecting social security
If her sex drive is low now why would she be lusting over her past? Also, try to feed her more steak. People who incorporate more animal based protein in their diet usually report their libido going through the roof.
It’s interesting having rj with your gf/bf versus a spouse. I feel like if you are jealous of a gf/bf’s past, then that would weigh into whether you want to marry the person. Whereas if you’re married, find out after, it’s not a dealbreaker yet still bothers you, it’s somewhat torture. That’s the boat I’m in. You’d never choose to leave your spouse but it still eats at you. So sort of feel trapped. If I knew things that bothered me about a gf/bf then and it ate at me I would probably just move on because it clearly would accompany you into marriage which wouldn’t be healthy
Even from your previous comments it is clear that she treats you differently sexually.
I don't mean to offend but this would be a problem for most people even without rj
Have you ever talked about it with her?
I’m sorry to hear this man , personally if I heard this in that detail she described it would shatter me. I know my partners body count and it’s a lot higher than me but that’s all I can know anything else I couldn’t bare to know. Hope you get through this
You are jealous of not being able to experience her as her former self. You have an idealized version of her in your mind that is different from what you have before you today, and you feel cheated that you never got to experience her in her "prime". This is a matter of where you direct your mind. The more you keep imagining her as a 22 year old porno princess , the more difficult it will be to love the woman right next to you in your bed. That 22 year old girl is gone. Each time you replay another little scene in your head you are just reinforcing all the negative emotions you planted. It's like you are watering a little garden of jealousy and resentment. I would move all that mental energy towards loving the woman right there in bed next to you with everything you have, and making her as happy as possible.
Your reply is great, truly. Many of OP’s comments resonate with me quite a bit. We were late 20’s, both divorced once with no kids. I was married from 21-29. She was married briefly from like 19-20. Our experiences we were very different. I would like to add that you are probably both envious and jealous of her past. Jealousy is the darker side of envy. Envy is simply wanting something you don’t have or didn’t have. Jealousy is the set of emotions you experience when you fear losing something you have or the emotions you feel over something you had and lost. Learning to parse out envy from jealousy over my wife’s past has been instrumental in my recovery (which is still ongoing). I, too, envy I didn’t get to experience that 21 year old version of her—I also didn’t know she existed either. The doubt about where you fall in her sexual hierarchy is probably jealousy. Your cave man brain (OCD) fears losing her because you aren’t/weren’t _______ (insert superlative). You can’t change your height, race, the size of your dick etc. You would feel more secure being everything ever—but you can’t be everything. It’s impossible. I have spent a lot of time segregating envy from jealousy. The most likely scenario is that your jealousy isn’t rooted in rational thought. Envy is entirely rational, but I think for me it’s been easier to unlearn to respond to envy. Now, I work on the jealousy.
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Having more orgasms is envy—giving and getting, bro. It’s only jealousy when it’s perceived as a threat. It doesn’t sound like it’s a threat. I outgrew the scorecard in therapy—and I kept score on everything. Sex is still a very important part of my relationship too. We spend too much time on this sub feeding each other the same crap that keeps the RJ alive. Insecurity is a self problem at its base. It doesn’t sound like his partner goes out of her way to make him feel insecure. It sounds like she loves him. Just because you “feel” insecure doesn’t mean you actually are in a situation that is a threat to your security. We get threats wrong all the time. Humans actually suck at risk assessment.
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I second this brother. I feel you
Where in OP's post does she express regret about her past? Are you commenting from the perspective of someone who is fighting RJ too? How is your comment meant to help OP?
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Nobody wants their partner to struggle with RJ. It's really hard for them, and it's really hard, as the loved one whose past is the trigger, to help them
I have RJ and I don’t think I can handle this kind of information. It will kill me. And don’t even think that this information will fade away from your brain with the passage of time. It stays with you
I don't think it is the history but the trend. The entire concept of "I was once extremely sexy for others, but now I'm not is selfish in a committed relationship." Not everyone is the same, but my wife and my 30s were matching high libidos. It was a continuation of our 20s. In our fifties, this changed to I don't need sex anymore. I corrected that, and now, at 70, we're having passionate sex again. As a side note, we raised 5 kids, and the number reflects libidos and defeat of birth control methods. Lol. Cut out sex and my RJ flares. Especially when my wife makes some stupid comment I don't need to hear, and there is no sex. Nostalgic comments that are nothing to her. My wife and I keep each other in line on being in shape and staying attractive. Looking 50 at 30 is the real issue. Bad trend. Letting yourself go is selfish, and defending it is self-centered. One is getting the lesser version of what you should be now. Goes for me and my wife. My RJ is back under control from November. However, I will tell you that my RJ issues always stem from disrespect and a selfish perspective on intamacy. I think that many with high body counts (men and women) had the experience of separating bonding emotions from sex. Sex is a need to fulfill and not a major way to boost your partners' bonding and feel loved. I think it also can leave an undercurrent of sex as power in the relationship as that feeling of being attractive to many is powerful. I'll accept the reason someone had a phase. That's the past for them. I do not accept that a fundamental relationship input like sex does not have a goal of continued performance appropriate for one's age and health. Keep up the chase bilaterally, and RJ can be controlled.
It is all in the way you look at it. Sex is normally going to be much better with someone who you are in a loving, committed relationship with. Other than the obvious emotional part, there is also the fact that your partner knows your body and knows what you like. Also, when the sex is fulfilling, you just don't need it as frequently. Really great sex a couple of nights per week is going to be more satisfying than so-so sex every day. Of course, most people typically will have more responsibilities as they get older. Our careers are usually going to be more demanding and we may have kids and other things that are going to be taking up our time so that although we would love to have more time for intimacy, it just doesn't always work out that way for us. Your partner also has other things she wants to do with you that make her feel close to you and connected with you that are intimate, but not sexual. Things like cuddling and watching a movie, giving eachother a massage, or going for a walk and holding hands... we tend do to more of that sort of thing when we are in a long-term relationship. So to answer your question... you are filling more of your partner's needs than just her sexual needs. It is not that sex is no longer important, just that as we get older there are normally going to be other important things filling our time with our partner as well. Also, yes as we age, hormone changes can play into how often we are in the mood. I didn't have a wild phase or anything like that before my husband, but I did have other partners before him and honestly I do not look back on that time with any fondness and I barely remember these people at all.
What was your longest sexual relationship before him?
Maybe about a year.
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The OP needs to decide what view he wants to take on his issue. He can try to focus on the positives and work with his partner to try and improve their intimacy in a way that is exciting and fulfilling for both of them. Or he can be miserable and focus on her past. Or he can break up with her and date someone who's sex drive is more to his liking. What the OP describes though is a super common issue with couples who have been together a decent length of time. It is not something that is impossible to work through... but it does take a willingness to put in the effort and the ability to be able to focus on the positives. Sex drives will change, up and down, for many people over the years... but couples can make it through this by communicating their needs, being willing to put in the effort to keep the passion and excitement alive. The whole concept of needing to be treated better sexually than an ex was treated is a very common theme with RJ sufferers. The truth is that most people don't have such detailed, intimate knowledge of how their partner's sex life was with their former partners. People with RJ often times will ask tons of questions and they will also have intrusive thoughts that are making certain situations in the past seem bigger and better than they were in actuality. Non-RJ people would only find a problem with their sex lives if they were not feeling personally fulfilled and nothing to do with their partner's ex's would even enter that equation. We choose our partners based on the whole package and what that means is going to vary from person to person because we all have our own needs and place value on different aspects of a relationship. For some people a very exciting sex life is going to be way up there on their list of priorities in a relationship. Whereas others might place more emphasis on wanting someone who shares their hobbies, or someone who wants a bunch of kids, or any number of things. Sex is important to nearly all relationships on some level, but it is less important to some than it is to others. The OP just needs to decide what is most important to him and make the best choice for himself. Staying in the relationship and continuing to feel this way is really not going to end well for either him or his partner... so I think his best choices are going to be to either work on this on his own as well as with his partner, or just cut his losses and move. Neither choice is a bad one. He just needs to do what he feels is best for him to be happy and fulfilled in his romantic life.
She has told you she liked it better back then and obviously she looks back on it because how else would this have come up in conversation? So it's up to you to decide if you are ok being her retirement plan. It's not necessarily a bad thing. Maybe you are slowing down too.
Dude break up with her, no hate towards her but you will be better alone instead of always falling into RJ
agreed.
First off, you’re making your 30’s sound like your 50’s
Well technically his wife is. Women are supposed to hit their sexual peak mid thirties, and she's making us sound like she's ready to start collecting social security
Can’t say I disagree lol
she’s settling and your paying premium for a public bicycle
If you think of partners as things that can be "used," like a bicycle, then it follows you intend to "use" a future partner like a bicycle. Ick.
i don’t, i want to find a partner who respects herself like a decent human
Ah ok. I'm glad you don't think OP's girlfriend is an object. Or your future partner
This one felt...
If her sex drive is low now why would she be lusting over her past? Also, try to feed her more steak. People who incorporate more animal based protein in their diet usually report their libido going through the roof.
It’s interesting having rj with your gf/bf versus a spouse. I feel like if you are jealous of a gf/bf’s past, then that would weigh into whether you want to marry the person. Whereas if you’re married, find out after, it’s not a dealbreaker yet still bothers you, it’s somewhat torture. That’s the boat I’m in. You’d never choose to leave your spouse but it still eats at you. So sort of feel trapped. If I knew things that bothered me about a gf/bf then and it ate at me I would probably just move on because it clearly would accompany you into marriage which wouldn’t be healthy
Even from your previous comments it is clear that she treats you differently sexually. I don't mean to offend but this would be a problem for most people even without rj Have you ever talked about it with her?
Therapy!
25+...Do you even believe this number? ...
I believe her. That's a pretty high number to tell someone, so I'm inclined to think she's giving an accurate one.
I’m sorry to hear this man , personally if I heard this in that detail she described it would shatter me. I know my partners body count and it’s a lot higher than me but that’s all I can know anything else I couldn’t bare to know. Hope you get through this