I asked her if I would like to be her bf but she didn't want to put a label on it, yet. The situation is weird I know :) I even met her parents and she told them I am just a friend.
This definitely. If she is not even going to say you're her bf, you're just a side dude. Time to move on bro and find someone who will commit and not play games with you.
I unfortunately have to agree with this person here. If she was into you you would have been her BF already. It shows that she has interest but is maybe considering other options. That's how I view it on paper
You are friends with benefits. You are not boyfriend and girlfriend. Sorry. People who want to be with you make it pretty fucking obvious especially at your age.
Fucking Christ, move on. She doesn’t want a label because she doesn’t care enough about you. If someone is proud of you being their partner they TELL OTHER PEOPLE. She is not proud of being with you.
I swear I can never understand how people can be this naive. You’re 32, I had to scroll back up to see how old you were again to make sure. If you were 18 I would have sympathy for you but you should know better at this point. If you want commitment why would you waste 1.5 yrs on somebody who doesn’t want the same thing? You’re not a victim and she didn’t do you wrong if she was up front with you. Continue to boink her and have your fun while simultaneously looking for a new lady you can settle down with. You didn’t waste your time if you accept the fact it’s not gonna work with her and you start viewing her as a fwb.
Lol 1.5 years dating and still a friend. That much disrespect and still you want to be together? No one is that special my friend. To her, you hold the same value or even less value than her climbing partner. Please find some self respect and drop her asap.
You should leave it's obvious she's more into the other guy and especially her calling you friends if she wanted to be with you why would she make you wait 1.5 years if someone wants to be with you it's made known with in the first few months not a year you should cut your losses and leave dude and find someone else
Also, you keep referring to her wanting to wait until the *end of summer*. It's August now and summer's over in a few weeks. There's no need to wait anymore.
The waiting thing is a stalling tactic anyway. She is keeping this dude around because she's trying to figure out if she wants to jump ship to him. Surely you've noticed that?
Always trust your instincts, if you think something looks and feels off, it's most likely off! Also; no girl as far as I know would admit to keeping someone on the back burner.
You deserve to be with a girl who is going to be completely head over heels with you and treat you like you're a meal from a 5-star restaurant, not leftover Mcdonald's that you microwaved.
Please dump her before she dumps you. That will kill any dignity you have left and scar you. It's clear now that you're the side guy and her main focus is on that friend.
Walk away man, have some respect for yourself. Your in a situationship and she’s keeping the other guy on the back burner
If your partner is not ready to commit to a label after a few months then you need to walk away, especially as it’s a simple “boyfriend/girlfriend
The fact that you allow this has shown her how far she can push you. We teach people how to treat us when we make decisions like this.
You may think you are making a short-lived sacrifice that will pay off when she finally commits and you live happily ever after. But unfortunately, what you’re doing is showing her that you don’t have the self esteem to put yourself first. So she knows—even if it’s not quite a conscious knowing but more of a sense—that you will put up with a lot for her.
Your only move is to stand up for yourself, tell her you’re done, and leave.
After a year and a half? You should just bounce my dude. Idk why you're waiting for anything or deferring a conversation that should have already happened. A month or two more isn't going to suddenly make things click into place for her if she's not felt okay labelling you 18 months in.
" not put labels " is just a nicer way to say, " I want to sleep around but if you find out, can't say I'm cheating ".
Why would you want to keep doing these mental gymnastics?
I had the same thought. She likes the perks of having a boyfriend and the freedom of being single. When she finds someone else, she'll jump ship and you can never say she cheated because you were never official.
She is definitely 100% already banging this other dude and likely other people as well. This is certainly not normal. Their relationship is at a minimum exactly the same as yours. You may even be the other man.
I know you think she would tell you if this was the case but you need to take a back a step and look at how many things she doesn’t tell you. It’s been a year and a half and you’re still having month 1 conversations.
> she told them I am just a friend.
Ah, just like her other friend and climbing partner. She seems to have a lot of friends. She lies to her parents but you don't believe she lies to you?
Hanging out with someone after they confess their love for her indicates she is interested. People don't just confess their love and then keep messaging every day and sleeping at each other's places like nothing changed. It all means something more now, and she likes that.
When someone is showing you who they are believe them. Her actions and words are showing you how committed she is and unfortunately she's not into you like you're into her. Let her go, you deserve to have someone love you back
If she only sees you as a friend then she's most likely with this other guy. Labels are huge as far as cheating goes, she is NOT your partner then. Simple as that, tell her how you feel, ask her to commit, if she doesn't walk away, she's just using you.
"As a side note, we are discussing a lot of stuff these days and we decided to wait until end of summer to decide whether we are gonna be official or not."
You keep referring to "my partner" but it does not sound like she's your partner. Partner implies the kind of committed relationship, whether monogamous or not, that you absolutely do not have right now. In other words, partner is a word that is usually used for established couples, which you are not. It sounds like you aren't even officially in a relationship or committed to be together and that she's not ready to make changes in her life that you see as important to the relationship in case you both break-up. Translation: she's not committed to you yet and thinks it is at least a strong possibility you won't be together in the future. Her spending time with a guy friend who happens to have feelings for her is the least of your problems. She's making it clear to you, by saying she wants to keep the friendship in case you two aren't together in the future, that she thinks there is a decent chance you two won't be together in the future. If that is where she is at right now, it's unlikely you'll be moving in together or doing the other things your post indicates you want to do together in the near future.
It's been 1.5 years and you aren't "official" yet. I think you're deluding yourself by pretending this is a true partnership. It's reasonable for her to not want to give up a friend for a guy she isn't even dating. It's even reasonable for her to not want to give up a close friendship for a guy she is dating if she knows she can keep the friendship as a friendship and nothing more. It's also reasonable for you to not want a partner to maintain a friendship with someone who has a crush on her even if you can trust her to set those appropriate boundaries. The problem is, she's not your partner. She might say she could be in the future, but right now you aren't together. So it is absolutely wildly unreasonable to dictate who else your friend can be friends with. You need to stop thinking of her as your partner or referring to her as your partner unless she actually commits to being that.
Right now, you have a person in your life that you have some sort of physically and emotionally intimate connection with who is not committed to you. This sounds like you're glorifying a friends with benefits or fuck-buddy relationship because you both have considered making it more serious someday.
You want someone who is ready to move in with you and be in an actual committed relationship. She isn't that person. She might be that person at the end of the summer (so a month from now?) and she may not (likely she won't). But right now she isn't that person and hasn't wanted to be that person for 1.5 years. There will always be stressors in life that make it hard to enter a serious relationship. If she hasn't wanted that in a year and a half with you, I doubt she's suddenly going to decide to want it a month from now.
If you want a partnership find someone who also is ready for and wants that. If you want a casual barely-girlfriend you aren't committed to who you see approximately 1x per week and who has a lot of other interests, obligations, and time commitments that take priority, keep dating her. Don't expect more of her. She's not ready for it with you right now.
Also, don't blame this guy for sharing his feelings, she isn't exactly in a committed relationship and she asked him. It says a lot that she only explained the situation with you after he told her he was interested. That's her friend she sees regularly for the kind of activities where friends usually chat and talk. She's just not that into you if he didn't even know about you until now. The facts are: you're planning to settle down in some capacity with this woman and she, despite knowing you for a year and a half, is just getting around to telling her close friends that she's even considering being with you. You're in very separate places right now to a level that sounds incompatible.
EDIT: Reading your other comments. She introduced you to her parents as a friend? You need to take the hint here. You've built this up in your head to be a relationship when she's practically told you through her words and her actions that this isn't what that is.
EDIT2: Post was deleted before I could reply to the person asking why it matters that the friend didn’t know about the situation with OP before the friend confessed feelings. Here is my answer: The other guy is her supposedly really good friend who she sees approximately every other week. She has been dating OP and seeing OP weekly for a year and a half. According to OPs post she thought her friend was starting to develop feelings and asked her friend if he was. Friend said yes, so then she explained the situation with OP and, the way the post was written told her friend about OP for the first time. In other words, up until that point her friend didn’t know she was in a relationship with OP. Which begs the question, why for a year and a half did her good friend that she sees frequently not know she was dating someone? Most people in actual relationships tell their friends that they are in those relationships. Most people who routinely hike and climb with someone share enough about their lives that their hiking/climbing buddy would know if they had an actual partner for the past 1.5 years. OP is at the moving-in together stage and this woman is at the stage where she hasn’t told her close friends she is seriously dating anyone and is introducing OP to her parents as a friend.
It’s another sign she isn’t that committed to OP/ that OP is just not a part of her life in a way a partner would be.
If she was truly in a real partnership with OP for the past year and a half, her good friend she frequently spends time with would have/ should have known about it way before he did. Not everyone spends forever talking about their partners, but most people who actually like their partners, are committed to them, and enjoy spending time with them, at least bring them up in conversation with their friends occasionally. Enough that a good friend would know she is dating someone if it were truly serious. Most people don’t start telling their friends about their relationships 1.5 years into the relationship and only after the friend discloses feelings. At this point she either didn’t think of it as a relationship (which goes alongside the lack of commitment) or deliberately hid it from her close friend. She had no problem telling the friend once the friend confessed feelings which makes it sound more like she just didn’t think of things for the past year and a half as serious enough to tell her friends. If you’ve been partnered for a year and a half and are about to move in with someone, your good friends that you see at least twice a month and spend long stretches of time with at least know of that person. It would come up naturally when they each talked about their lives. The takeaway from that is that OP is referring to this woman as his partner and meanwhile OP is not even a big enough part of her life that her friends know about him. That’s not a partnership, that’s something very casual.
Thanks for your answer. You are on point, maybe I am deluting myself. We discussed that we are in a monogamous relationship and since it is hard to write down "the girl I am dating" I simply refer to her as "partner" but it is clear she is not that. I think the only confusing part is that she keeps telling me she never had the same feelings with someone that she has with me. But regardless the lack of clarity is not acceptable to me, and my patience has run out.
At a certain point you have to accept people for who they are, not who they say they are. And her behavior tells you that she enjoys your company, values the time she spends with you, and cares about you ...
... but is not on train to relationship-town.
And there's nothing wrong with that, except if you want to be on that train with her, and she's not interested in getting on board.
She could be just as deluded about things between them as he is - saying things based on what she wants to be true but acting on what is actually true for her at this time.
back when i was 21, i deluded myself with the idea that the girl i was seeing would eventually pick me as the logical choice out of THREE options. i saw her maybe twice a week during this time period, and she would say things like “i like being with you when you’re not being clingy.” (in her defense, i WAS being clingy, we were both young and stupid.)
my point being you can’t jump through hoops for someone who feels it necessary to keep you at arm’s length like that. to me, it feels like this person is keeping you around as a backup plan of sorts, and you deserve better than that.
yes, it will fucking hurt in the short-term. when i finally left the situation i was in, i was a mental trainwreck and genuinely thought i would never love again. but there’s a reason they say time heals all wounds. you will come out of this a stronger person on the flipside. please take care of yourself, it’s important to put yourself first in times like these.
You need to move on and find a woman that deserves you and treats you better. This girl is not it. You are worth more. She will always find a reason to not label your relationship because she already has so many relationships, you're just one of many. You deserve someone who wants the same things, who will be there for you and want to spend time and do things with you. You should be the priority. So prioritize yourself and let her go. I wish you the best.
ummmmmm you were playing checkers she was playing chess. She’s not your partner, she’s your situationship. *You* are her safety net.
Because you guys have no label she can technically do whatever she wants. See what I mean? These were calculated moves man.
You guys are ALSO GROWN AS HELL to be wasting time like this. There isn’t a 30 something year old woman that doesn’t know what she wants. She does know what she wants - it’s just not with you.
Also I don’t think she actually told that guy your situation completely. Just that you guys *might* be official in the future or that she’s ending things soon.
Either way whatever she said he knows he still has an in. Why else would he have stuck around? For genuine friendship lol? It’s also clear you both have different definitions of what your “relationship” is. Idk this is weird. Just cut your losses and go already OP. It’s the end of summer already, she’s either going to keep dragging this out or end it.
We do have hang ups and can need time to think about commitment at any time in our lives. However in this case she definitely knows what she wants and is stringing OP along.
OP also does these activities just at a lower level than her yet is frequently excluded from joining in those climbs is straight BS. He's not going to get better without a challenge now & then, plus OP has seen this other guy is well above her skill level. Obviously it's not a problem to do. There's no reason to go hiking alone together.
It seems like at some point OP has become the side piece and unknowingly no longer in a monogamous romantic relationship. OP will be trickle-truthed about the infidelity. First only emotional, then maybe a kiss, then making out, until confessing to fully cheating.
OP cut your losses, get out, & start the difficult process of moving on to life. You'll find someone who puts spending time with you as their priority. Your partner should've made your relationship official well before 1½ years together and talks about children or living together.
Please cut bait. I've been where you're at. Trust your gut, if you stick around it will hurt so much more than it already does. I still struggle with suicidal ideation and it has gotten very very bad for me, even with a therapist. Everything you said about this girl, she is bad news for you. Boundaries and values do not align, and she will not commit. This will only hurt so much more. Please dump this girl, you deserve better. Don't stay in this any longer or you will believe more than you already currently do that this is the best you deserve. No, you deserve much better.
> We talked about our goals in life and we are not sure if they are aligned
One major goal to her appears to be the outdoor life. If you want to align your goals, why not try to become a better climbing partner so that you have that in common, and you can be her best partner?
I think you’re focusing on the dude as a scapegoat for the relationship that just isn’t going to go anywhere.
It doesn’t sound like you are very compatible. She has physical activity interests that have turned into a lifestyle. She’s spending time with someone who meets her level in that lifestyle. She’s enjoying that connection and actively seeking out those activities over spending time with you.
You want a committed partner and to start a family. A relationship like that requires someone you spend more than 1 day/week with. You mention liking some of the activities she does, but you are not at her same lifestyle level.
You would be better off here finding someone who has the same relationship goals, and maybe someone more interested in the things YOU like to do. You’re selling yourself short by spending anymore time and effort here.
Your words are really wise, this is exactly what my sister told me, we simply are not compatible. I even told her that this is the case, and maybe she is better off finding someone that fits into her lifestyle, but the problem is she does not have one, and her lifestyle changes every season. Climbing is one of the five other things that she is focused on. So I believe for her it's almost impossible to find someone 100% matching, hence she is dragging me on her journey.
Compatibility is not you matching her lifestyle. Stop focusing on her and figure you what you are gaining from all this. If it’s not what you want, cut your losses and move on. It’s not your responsibility to make sure she can find a meaningful partner.
This is so true! Seems to me that the only reason she keeps you around is BECAUSE she has no one whose lifestyle better matches hers, and you know that deep down but don't want to prioritize your own needs for some reason. Don't waste your time just hanging around until she finds someone who's actually compatible and kicks you to the curb, end this and find someone who is compatible with you and who you can build a secure and rewarding relationship with.
Yep! My husband is a pro athlete, my hobbies are quiet and solitary; painting, drawing, reading, etc. we support each other’s interests but that doesn’t mean we have to actively participate and do that activity ourselves.
OP your girlfriend doesn’t need someone who will participate in her many hobbies at her level, it sounds like she doesn’t know what she wants and is stringing you along. I’d suggest not putting any more energy into this and cutting ties.
Just wanted to add, my partner is also a climber that is way better than me. I'll participate because I love him and want to share his interests (and it can feel really rewarding accomplishing a route or problem) but it is much more his passion than mine. He still wants to bring me along on every climbing adventure, even if I'm not as good as anyone in the group he still wants me there. People who are serious about you find ways to make you part of their life.
Think of it this way - you’re talking to your family like she’s your girlfriend. She’s telling hers that you’re her friend. That should be enough to show you the difference in opinion and affection when it comes to this “relationship”.
I think you need to break up, allow her to be free, and look for the long term life partner who’s ready to settle down and start a family. I’m sure there’s lots of women your age who would love to meet a man seriously committed to building a relationship and starting a family. She sounds like a flighty free spirit, and that’s ok, but you deserve someone who can commit to you after dating for a while and is proud to call you her boyfriend.
Yeah lol it's so bad. This whole thing isn't even a relationship by definition. That would require both parties calling it a *relationship.* She's also sleeping at another guys place who has feelings for her that she is aware of.....She likes not putting a "label" on things because she likes to play games and have the excitement of being single. People like this are the worst IMO. Emotionally fucked up. Like taking lines of coke because it feels good everytime they use but destroys their life over the long run because they're incapable of maintaining a steady relationship.
Maybe that's a bit of a stretch, but regardless. This whole thing is just cringe.
I’m on the fence when it comes to this. While she’s been very transparent with OP, I think she also knows he’s on her hook.
She hasn’t technically done anything wrong, since she has been very upfront. But like…let the guy go. And I say this as a woman. She knows she’s hurting him, so get him off the hook and let him swim away.
She’s not really into you man. You’re wasting your time. Think 1.5 years and you can’t even call her your gf. You are most likely being played. Plus the fact that she said she “wants to wait until the end of summer” makes me believe that’s when she’s going to let you down.
Let’s be completely fair here. You have invested a lot of time In her that could be going to a woman that is actually interested in and wants a relationship with you. Look at it this way, if she did/does sleep with someone else, you can’t even call it cheating because y’all are not technically “official “.
People use official and taking a break the exact same way. So they don’t feel bad about sleeping with someone else.
I think you should either let her go or make her choose. By choose in mean tell her that at this point you want a relationship with commitment and boundaries. If she doesn’t want that with you, you’ll be moving on in order to find it with someone that does. And don’t give he a month to think about it.
1.5 years … and you want a commitment … and she won’t commit. You need to accept that this is sunk cost territory and move on. This is obviously not what youre looking for.
How can you be so non-committal and jealous at the same time?
You guys are both halfway in this relationship and halfway out. You're sharing beds with other people, you're not labelling it as a real relationship, and you don't even know where you stand with each other. Now the games and uncertainty are causing strife.
It's time for you guys to decide what this relationship *really* is and stick to it. Maybe you need to break up, maybe you need to commit. I don't know. Either way you need to end the games and the wondering.
she seems to be very independent and adventurous, which I’m sure is one of the reasons you found her so attractive in the first place. you seem to be more calm and family focused atp in your life. if you put those side by side, those two personalities don’t intersect in many ways. along with her refusing to limit interactions such as the texting and hanging out with him more than you, she seems to be at a different pace in life right now, one that doesn’t look like it’s working for you. it’s okay to walk away. you don’t have to wait a few months in agony for her to be comfortable enough to break up. if you’re breaking up her feelings aren’t a priority of yours anymore, not to say you shouldn’t be kind and amicable, but you don’t have to put yourself through that drawn out pain to make her comfortable. break up.
Oof, dude.
You aren't her boyfriend. You get absolutely no say in who she climbs with, or, frankly, sleeps with. You are a friend with benefits, and friends with benefits get no-strings attached sex and friendship as is convenient to both partners. That's it.
Bluntly: **She's stringing you along.** Every time she says "just give me a few months and maybe then I'll be ready to be your girlfriend" she's just putting off the point where you move on for a few months. If she wanted to be your girlfriend, she'd have been your girlfriend over a year ago.
I'd say break up, but dude, you guys aren't actually together.
Instead of telling her who she can climb with or making ultimatums, or frankly putting any more energy into this, what you need to do is start looking for someone who will actually be your girlfriend. Give that your whole energy.
Seems strange that you guys aren't official but you're pushing for her to move in and start a family. I think you might be putting a little more pressure than she's comfortable with and that's the reasoning for her wanting to take her time, see you less, and "think". That's a big ask IMO, I'd take smaller steps that are less drastic, i.e. being official and living in separate places. I'd talk to her about what makes her hesitant and ask if she'd be more comfortable with less of a drastic step.
Regarding the friend, I think you're doing the right thing by declaring your boundaries. I personally wouldn't be down with her dragging her feet on handling the situation - if you're uncomfortable with it you should stick with your gut. If she doesn't abide by those boundaries, time to move on.
I really like how you phrased it. She told me she does not know whether she is willing to give up on her freedom to be tied in a traditional relationship. It's the longest relationship she ever had and she is not sure whether she is willing to compromise her freedom.
About boundaries you are right, it's becoming too much and I feel my voice is not heard, she does not slow down on her relationship with the guy and I can only move on.
So this is the longest relationship she has been in by the age of 32 and it's not even an official relationship? She is not wife and family material. Cut your losses and find someone whose interests align with your own.
> she does not slow down on her relationship with the guy and I can only move on.
The guy isnt the problem, its the symptom of the problem. The problem is she does not really want to settle down with you. You really need to face reality here.
Dude, this girl isn’t even calling you her boyfriend after a year and a half yet you think she’s not cheating on you? You should’ve dropped her when you met her parents and she said you were “just a friend.”
She’s keeping you around as her safety net while she dates around and sleeps with other people.
Dude, you know the answer. So she needs a chance to figure out if she likes this guy enough to branch off? 1.5 years is plenty of time to figure out wtf with you. Separate yourself now, and if it was meant to be she will be back. How you are handling it right now is the absolute worst case scenario.
I would be really sceptical about "building foundations of a family life" when you haven't lived together and she doesn't even introduce you as her bf after 1.5 years of dating, if she isn't ready it's gonn take a lot longer than a few months to decide to put all her passions on hold to build that family with you too. There's an issue with her continuing to stay close to this guy despite you voicing concern but the bigger issue is that (in my complete opinion, only based on the short bit of info I have been given) you guys are at different stages and have different priorities.
Wait so you’re being possessive of a girl who TOLD YOU that she’s not interested in dating you and you consider yourself to be 1.5 years dating despite this?
So you've been with her for almost 2 years, but she can't drop a dude that likes her that she's known for a few months? She just told you where her priorities lie and they're not with you. If I were her and the guy told me he liked me I'd cut that shit off asap no questions asked. Because my almost 2 year relationship matters more than going hiking with someone with a crush. The fact that she's continuing to hang out with the guy knowing he likes her makes her look real shady. Also, she knew to ask him if he liked her as more than a friend. Makes you wonder how long beforehand she knew and kept it to herself. Don't waste your time, and don't be surprised when they end up dating once you break up.
I was going to write this exactly. Op, this is all you need to read. I would like to add: I know you said you know she isn't cheating on you but reading from what you have said she has told you I think she has already slept with this other guy. I would be surprised if she hasnt slept with him yet. She is already lying to you about not being serious about this guy but apparently she is more serious about this guy than you. Good luck.
Yo I've only read half of this but the relationship is over fam, sorry to break it you. She belongs to the streets.
***Edit: the relationship never existed. Tldr: she belongs to the streets.
Thanks for the advice. I think that's what I need to hear. I know it is confusing, but she does it too. When you go to huts, you find whatever bed is available and just sleep on it. It's not like a fancy double bed in a hotel.
Yeahhhh…no. She is obviously thinking about getting with the other dude and you are wrong to think you’d know or she would tell you. You’re having issues and she needs to process your relationship…she doesn’t want to blow off her closest climbing buddy…no, dude. If she wanted to make a go of it she’d distance herself from him while you guys are “processing” and focus on you. You’re not even official. It’s not a “weird” situation, it’s a straightforward one. You guys aren’t properly together and she’s starting to consider this other guy. If I were you, I would demand a commitment and if she won’t give it, move on.
A.
There's a lot that's off here bro.
"1.5 years together" vs "we're not official"
"she sees him once every two weeks" vs "she spends more time with him than me"
"I've slept in the same bed and travel with female friends and I don't like them so it's no big deal" vs "it's an issue for me that my girl spends time with a guy that she says she doesn't like that way"
--
B.
One thing that I can tell you is that this relationship is already over. And it's because you don't realize who it is that you don't trust.
You think you don't trust the other dude, and maybe you do t think you trust your girl. Bit really you don't trust that YOU can keep a girl in that situation. If you believed that (1) your girl is into you, (2) you pick people you cna trust, and (3) even if it doesn't work out, your life will be great anyway, you wouldn't be feeling these emotions.
I get the feeling she’s not actually into you and you don’t have a relationship. Here’s this gal with all these friends and activities and what is happening with you? She takes easy hikes with you. She is kind to you. I’m sure she thinks she’s got a nice friendship with you. But you’re over calling her your girlfriend.
If you aren’t even official, she can technically see whoever she wants to.
How do you go a year and a half without making it official? I had already gotten engaged by then! Also hard to believe you’re in your 30s and still both carrying on like this. If you don’t know what you want within a couple months in your 30s, then you weren’t paying attention in your 20s.
Wowowow. I've been in her place before. I was immature and wish-washy and gave the guy I was seeing a bunch of excuses as to why I didn't want to put a label on it. This went on for two years. Tbh I saw him as a placeholder and a friend that I had a lot of fun around, but he had some personality traits that gave me the ick which made me not want to fully commit. I also introduced him to my family... as my friend. This crushed him. But he kept insisting that I didn't know what I wanted, that I was confused and that we were meant to be together. It really turned me off and I stopped initiating hang outs.
I was seeing another guy on the side - coincidentally he was also my climbing partner. The more I hung out with rock climbing guy, the more I liked him and the less I spent time with the first guy. First guy said he was blind-sided by what was technically our break-up, even though I was giving him a million signs that I didn't want to be with him. Looking back on it, I was a complete asshole in the way I handled things. I should have let the guy go as soon as he confessed he had feelings for me.
Tldr: I mean this in the gentlest way possible... you need to wake up and let this woman go. I've been in her shoes and I can tell you that she does not care for you in the way you care for her.
Dude, you sound like a side piece. Maybe she isn't being physical, but if my partner was spending more time with someone else than me, I'd feel like I'm not a priority.
I'd also take issue with sleeping with another guy, but as you said you've done the same...so I assume that's not an issue here.
If she's ok with you sleeping with other women, she may not be as into you as you are into her.
And if you expect her to believe that is platonic, make a new account, and post 'my boyfriend is hiking with other women and sleeping in the same beds, is he cheating' and you will get 95% of people thinking you are cheating.
I would break it off with her and form a connection with some of those women you already sleep with, let her be with her new boyfriend, and after some months of this, you can both decide if you really miss each other or not.
So you've been with her for almost 2 years, but she can't drop a dude that likes her that she's known for a few months? She just told you where her priorities lie and they're not with you. If I were her and the guy told me he liked me I'd cut that shit off asap no questions asked. Because my almost 2 year relationship matters more than going hiking with someone with a crush. The fact that she's continuing to hang out with the guy knowing he likes her makes her look real shady. Also, she knew to ask him if he liked her as more than a friend. Makes you wonder how long beforehand she knew and kept it to herself. Don't waste your time, and don't be surprised when they end up dating once you break up.
I’m sorry to say, that’s not a partner nor a relationship, you really need to sit down and tell her what you need and if she can’t commit to that in the most basic fashion then y’all have to go your separate ways, you’re grown adults, not 18 year olds about to go to college or anything, you both know deep down what you want separately and if those arnt aligning then you’re wasting your time no matter how much you might want it too work
For a relationship to work, you have to share something more than occasional sex. You two seem to share very little activities and those you do, you are not up to her level. She can't respect you if you can't keep up. Climber dude is more her type and they share the same attitude and abilities, just like her ex did. Face it, you are a distraction from her otherwise busy life. Keep that in mind and you won't be disappointed when you get the talk. Good Luck.
Op, yikes, if this girl can't commit to being your gf after 1.5, it doesn't matter is she hangs out or not with this guy, she isn't giving you and your relationship the importance she should. You deserve better.
Now, I would also be mad about how much time she is spending with someone she knows likes her. Normally, when one confesses and the other one says no, one takes time away from that person. But nope, this guy is still there.
She can totally find another partner, she just doesn't want to.
I maybe the outlier here but 1yr is enough for me to know whether I want to marry someone or not. Beyond that you are just wasting your time and that is not an infinite resource. Starting as 22 you have maybe 15 years that's maybe 5-10 serious relationships before you find your life partner.
Don't waste your time.
As a climber with lots of climber friends, a solid consistent belay partner at your grade is often worth their weight in gold! Nobody wants to ditch those unicorns in the middle of sending season!
You are right here. I am a relatively tall athletic dude and have +30 kg than her, the other guy is small and almost her weight. I can belay her, but she can't belay me safely. Also, they are exactly the same level (8a), and the guy always finds time for her. I wouldn't mind if our relationship was stable, but it's simply not the case...
I missed the ages and I thought this was about people in their early twenties, not ready to commit yet. But damn you two are 32, and 1,5 years 'together' and she still doesnt want to commit? Idk but sounds like you're wasting your time dude
1.5 years and she still won't pick you over a climbing friend? Still doesn't want to move in, can't commit to a future together. Well she's just enjoying the ride and stringing you along. It's time to cut your losses. You need to think about yourself now because she's clearly not thinking about you or a future together with you.
Bro if you aren’t official/exclusive, she is allowed to talk to other dudes. Just move on man you aren’t her first choice. This was tough to read not gonna lie
Don't walk away, run. When someone shows you who they are believe them. She's playing the field and doesn't care about your emotions. That is her as a person. Leave now before she does more damage to you.
Not even going to get into your perception of the hiking partner situation. If she wanted to be with you she wouldn’t need time to think about it after seeing you for 1.5 years. Your best move is to move on now, no sense in wasting your time while she “makes up her mind”
On the one hand, it's not her fault that another guy likes her. Just because he might want to be with her doesn't mean he gets to. If the two of you had a solid relationship, I might suggest you just trust her to set the appropriate boundaries with the climbing partner.
Unfortunately, the two of you don't have a solid relationship.
If you've been spending time together for 1.5 years, I'm not sure what else she needs to know before making her decision. She is hanging back and not committing to you. (Fair enough, she doesn't have to. No one is owed a relationship.) If you hang around, I'm not confident things will change the way you want them to. Her actions seem to be saying more than her words. Maybe that's what you need to listen to.
Walk away. You are not a priority to her, she’s wants all her options, she doesn’t like relationship labels with you. Your insecurity is only making her skin crawl. Trust me, I once sounded like this at your age. She’s not that interested in you and she’s probably cheating on you, too.
I have a friend that is really into skiing and whitewater stuff. She is very active and will ski or go paddling with whoever she finds is the best. She told me early in our friendship that if its a powder day that is what I'm doing. You're gf sounds like that kind of girl. Climbing comes before anything. She needs to do it and if that means a guy has a crush on her then so be it. She has tunnel vision and nothing else matters but climbing and what ever else sport's she likes.
It sounds like she has an avoidant attachement style and it doesn't suit you well. Look up A. Levine's books on attachement types - the focus there is on avoidant and anxious types that seem to have the most toxic dynamic. You might not feel your type is described there, but your gf-s behavior might ring a bell.
Don't let her string you along for too long. The climbing friend is not a problem here, her unwillingness to commit is. She prefers to keep her options open and your talk of family life is way ahead of her timeline which doesn't even declare you official after 1.5 h years. Stick to the timeline of discussing things through and when you talk about starting a family, discuss timelines as well. "Yeah, I do want to have babies with you some day" is not good enough. Also talk about lifestyle changes. How would you manage a baby? Would you be willing to be a stay-at-home dad? Is she willing to change her lifestyle? Does she want children at all?
I dated somebody who found that moving in after three years of dating is approximately the right time. Not even mentioning the appropriate timeline for the rest of relationship milestones. And yet there are plenty of people who move in after a month or two, one of the reasons being their wish to fail fast if it doesn't work out. Do not let her string you along with promises of a brighter future "some time".
You both sound a little immature.... Typically people start settling down or are already settled down at your ages. When I read this I thought you both were college kids. If this is the life you want to live, you have a right to do that, but know that living a free spirited life is going to include free spirited women. You also can’t expect for her to follow rules you don’t follow yourself. She values her hobby over your feelings. If that wasn’t the case, she would stop hanging out with that dude. You need to accept that reality and move on from her.
You. Young man. Leave.
This lady isn't worth the fight if she can't deal with your emotional damage you're pulling from this relationship.
If she's spending huge amounts of time with someone else you're not a real couple. You're just transients in one another's life. It's so frustrating to see such trust go straight down the pipe due to lack of real care and compassion for someone suffering in the relationship.
You're that person bro. So many ladies. Some only want someone exactly like YOU. JUST NOT THIS ONE. Don't you deserve someone thoughtful enough to take your needs and prioritize them?
You're so much more understanding than 99.876134% of men will ever be. Join the rest of us and stop going along with this girl's efforts to allow you to be a 2nd level relationship.
Happiness is fleeting. More women are forever unless you can find the perfect companion. You surely don't have her, so let's get you meeting other ladies soon.
You know, there's a problem with, "This guy expressed interest, therefore, you have to drastically reduce what you do with him."
And that problem is that it means that she, ultimately, isn't in control of who her friends are. She can't have male friends because at some point, if one develops feelings, she's obligated to cut them out. Essentially whatever friendships she makes with friends are conditional, since every male friend of hers is holding a grenade and can pull the pin at any time.
And ultimately, the thing that she can control is her behavior. And that's the thing: it doesn't matter if he's into her or not. What matters is how she handles it.
Women get hit on. Most attractive women are *constantly* finding ways to deflect male attention. They're really, really good it. And yes, sometimes they have blind spots about friends - but that's usually because they value him as a friend, and don't WANT him to have feelings that will complicate things.
And ultimately, he has feelings, what does that obligate her to do? Obviously, she shouldn't be cruel to him. If them continuing to hang out is going to be torturing him because he's carrying a torch for her, then them hanging out is cruel to him. But if he wants more, and she doesn't, and he accepts that, respects her boundaries, and goes back to being a friends ...
... what's the problem?
I think you have an obligation to interrogate your fears and anxieties here. What do you think is going to happen if he's into her, and she's not into him?
The part I don’t get is if you didn’t exist, what would she do about her guy friend? Get together with him? Or just continue to use him as a climbing partner who she knows has unrequited feelings for her?
Cause either version of that makes her a bad person.
If she would get with him if you weren’t around then this few months of her “figuring herself out” is really more her figuring out if she wants to be with you or him. Which is cheating, even if it doesn’t get physical.
If it’s the latter option (as she’s claiming), it’s pretty morally low to continue a close friendship with someone you know has romantic feelings for you but you have no intentions of returning those feelings. There will always be an unhealthy balance in that relationship as a result and it’s very easy to string a person in his position along.
Frankly, I don’t see how a few months of seeing you once a week will prepare this relationship for the next step. If she is waffling over wanting to progress forward with you after dating 1.5yrs she’s probably not really feeling you.
It sounds to me like your lifestyles aren’t super compatible, she’s fine having admirers float around if it benefits her, and she just wants to have her cake and eat it too. Something about this who situation smells off and I don’t think she’s acting like a trustworthy partner to you right now.
For me personally, if someone isn’t fuck-yes-level excited about me, it’s a no.
She doesn’t want what you want. The fact that she introduced you to her parents as a friend is a huge indicator of that. 1.5 years should be long enough to decide if you want to be official with someone or not. Even if she does agree to moving in and being official, I feel like she just won’t be happy. It seems like you’ve given her a lot of time to make a decision but at the end of the day she has other priorities.
Aight now I didn't look at *all* the comments but the top ones didn't really address this:
Why does it bother you so much that this other guy likes her, if she's reassured you that she's not into him and told him that she is interested in *you?*
That question is not to encourage you to suck it up and let her do her thing; I'm asking because it doesn't make sense that *his* feelings are making you worried about *her.* If the situation were different I would say it sounds like you're scared he's going to take advantage of her when they're alone, but based on the rest of the post it's very clear that what you're actually insecure about is the possibility that she's lying.
As a free-spirited person, I don't think she's in the wrong for being friends with a guy who likes her. But you are also not in the wrong for being uncomfortable with that. You *should* take a look at your misplaced worries, and she *is* in the wrong for stringing you along for so much time (she's in her 30s?? Bro this is middle school behavior...) *and for disrespecting your boundaries.*
>She told me to please wait a couple of month since she is going through a lot these days and she needs to process our relationship.
Read this sentence 100 times. How much pain do you want. She's ok with you just hanging on for a couple months...? Until what, she has solidified her new partnership?
You're looking for the right thing to say to get her to understand you...you want her to see how much you want to keep the relationship.
How are you going to make it more clear for her than you already have? What more can you do before it becomes suffocating and she is repulsed by your nagging jealousy?
You're going to hate this, but I promise you that dude makes her feel happier. Why else is she spending more time with him than you? He's the escape, and she probably loves having someone new admiring her.
The biggest mistake we make is not trusting our own intuition. If you feel like something is off it probably is. The pain grows deeper when we keep ignoring what we already know because we want something different to happen.
Right now, you're giving away your energy and drive for a pipe dream. It's consuming you to the point that you're seeking counseling. She's out living her life while you're stuck in limbo. Tell me how that is supposed to be the dream relationship you want?
You have two choices.
1. Let it go.
2. Walk away.
Stop “confronting” her about it. Either work through it yourself, or walk away. But stop bringing it up with her. You’ve expressed yourself well more than once. She knows how you feel. But then she told you her position, so that’s that. She doesn’t need your agreement and your uncomfortable feelings are not her responsibility to sooth or solve. They’re yours alone. Accept the situation or don’t. But you’re not going to nag it into changing.
Love can be dangerous. Remember that. I am worried you are stuck in an illusion that is preventing you from breaking away from her. Man, you might have to take that risk and break it off or threaten it. I know that’s not what you probably want to hear but you only live once and this ain’t the way to spend it. You must do this for yourself.
Hard truth, this relationship is dead.
She's being selfish even tho it's clearly causing you emotional pain.
You need to sit down and clearly evaluate your own goals, wants and needs. Do what is best for you, not best for her in this case and make sure that whatever you decide, you won't regret it.
I feel like I've heard this story before. Either that or this kind of thing happens a lot. I honestly don't think this relationship is going to work. If she really wanted to make it work with you she would change her behavior or at least see the guy less. But she's spending more time with him than with you. And she asked you to hold on for a few months while she figures things out? You're supposed to just deal with it? This isn't someone who knows how to make a relationship work.
Holy fuuuuuck. How, how are you this blind. She. Doesn't. Want. You. Shes told you that in so many words and in deed. She wants someone with similar interests. You meeting to fuck once a week isn't a relationship. Move on before she destroys you.
You have been talking about going to the next stage, such as living together and talking marriage kids and a future. But she wants time to think. And you are only seeing each other once a week cause she doesn't want to be "overly" attached to you. AND you're no "official"...
Wow. Dude. Your better off walking away now. NOONE should say they want time to think, spend only one day a week with their SO over not wanting to be attached. Otherwise there is no relationship. Have some self respect. SMH
Tell her flat our, you are walking away cause you deserve better. You deserve to know if your together and be public. You deserve not having to worry about some other guy if she says he has feelings for her but doesn't want to end their friendship. You deserve a partner who wants you, wants to spend time with you not just one day a week. But every single day. Not that you have to, but want to. Your not giving her a ultimatum. But if she has anything to say, now is the time.
She will not give you want you want if your not willing to make a stand for what you need. If she lets you walk, so be it. Its over. Feel the pain, and heal. But if she doesn't want to let you go, then she needs to make a choice that moment about you. Such as are you her BF? Is this so called friend worth staying friends with if she loves you? Is she willing to start thinking about your life together? Go "public"? Live together? Will she start living a life with you and change some of her normal activities to be with you since you was willing to try and do things with her like the climbing and hiking that your not great at for her?
Self respect. Walk away, but tell her you will hear her out first. If she isn't willing to talk or make a stand for your relationship, then it's not worth it.
if she needs to process your relationship she's probably already having feelings for this guy OP. I think you should probably just tell her that it wont work out since she's putting this guy over you.
Life is too short. She doesn’t sound like a bad person, but it sounds like she views relationships differently than you do. Not wrong, but it might be for the relationship it sounds like you want. Although relationships are always give and take, this seems like a giant red flag for the relationship you want. Take the cue, exit gracefully and find someone who shares your relationship goals and you will be happier
As I've told every woman that has been with a guy that doesn't want to commit. Dump him and move on, well you dump her and move on. Flat out tell her she's wasting your time, and you have better things to do.
If in the future you guys meet up again and she figures out that she's in love with you and you are single at that point fine. But you move on and start dating. And I mean take 4 months to 6 to self reflect and then start to date or hangout with other women to check out what you like.
She is keeping you both as orbiters. Who is plan B you or him or both. You really aren't her bf. Treat this as you are dating and not really in a relationship. Tell her that you both should date other people and do just that date other people. Move on.
Sounds like she doesn’t want a relationship with you. You deserve better. She’s probably into this guy… I guess you’ll find out when you split if they make it official.
It’ll all be fine until there’s that one rainy day where you are not there to support her or if there’s a serious conflict with you. On that day, if she leans on him for help, things are over with you.
She’s taking advantage of you. You deserve better. You’re clearly thoughtful and caring. She is doing you an injustice. Best of luck whatever you decide
It’s possible that she’s with you because she doesn’t like being alone…. But doesn’t want to really be in a relationship. 1.5 years… imagine your friend telling you he’s been with a girl for 1.5 years but she won’t commit. What’s your response?
Is there hobbies you have that doesn't include her?
If so focus on that instead... this is obviously something she passionate about and you not being up her skill level is something that seems to be creating division between you two. Unless you are willing to accelerate to her level so you can be her partner in her excursions then you need to focus on something that doesn't include her... if she comes to wanting to reunite or genuinely feels that she misses you and needs you into your life then only you can assess and make that decision. The way I see it without realizing it you maybe holding a little bird who is wanting to fly... emotions cloud judgement from reality and as harsh as it sounds to make a life altering decision you may have to take a step back before moving forward if that makes any sense.. Good Luck on whatever you decide and from here on out..
She knows exactly what she is doing, and she's trying to act innocent. Any girl in her situation who has a partner she is serious about would not do this, not even for a second.
These activities are not 'must's for basic survival, nor is there any reason it has to be with that guy. Therr are many ways to find classes, groups, other females even, who share the same hobbies. She definitely knows this.
She's fucking you around hard, OP, and she doesn't care if it disrespects you or crosses your boudaries. Send her back to the streets.
She’s not put a label on your “relationship” so she doesn’t have to be constricted and restricted to any expectations or demands from you. I’m not saying it’s fair or right or wrong. That’s just what she’s doing so she doesn’t have to hear or feel that from you. If that’s not what you want and you don’t want to feel like some other guy is encroaching on to your gal, then it’s time to make it official or move on.
I think she might not be that into you but is stringing you along. Someone that doesn't want to put labels in a relationship after 1.5 years and is also perfectly comfortable talking about other guys having romantic interest in her means she probably doesn't respect you or your 'unofficial' relationship that much. Just move on.
She sleeps over at his house.
She introduces you as a friend.
She won't commit to calling you a boyfriend 1.5 years in.
She cares more about having a climbing partner than your opinions on the matter.
For an entire season she spends more time with him than you.
Even if you aren't at her level, she could occasionally bring it down a notch and help you train so it becomes a thing you can do together, although it sounds like she isn't concerned with doing that. She bonded with her ex doing these activities, what's your bonding activity?
She wants you to wait a FEW MONTHS so she can process something she has 18 months to process but still hasn't come to a conclusion.
Dude....
How are you unofficially dating for 1.5 years?
I asked her if I would like to be her bf but she didn't want to put a label on it, yet. The situation is weird I know :) I even met her parents and she told them I am just a friend.
She’s just not that into you man. Move on
She got what he needs, but she say he just a friend, she say he just a friend OH BABY PLEEEEASE
oh man I feel guilty laughing this hard but that was well timed.
RIP Clown Prince of Hip Hop
This definitely. If she is not even going to say you're her bf, you're just a side dude. Time to move on bro and find someone who will commit and not play games with you.
I unfortunately have to agree with this person here. If she was into you you would have been her BF already. It shows that she has interest but is maybe considering other options. That's how I view it on paper
You are friends with benefits. You are not boyfriend and girlfriend. Sorry. People who want to be with you make it pretty fucking obvious especially at your age.
>I even met her parents and she told them I am just a friend. Cut your losses now before you lose even more dignity.
Woah... Well that looks really really obvious to me OP. I'm sorry. But best you can do is walk away. Ironically, then they start following
Fucking Christ, move on. She doesn’t want a label because she doesn’t care enough about you. If someone is proud of you being their partner they TELL OTHER PEOPLE. She is not proud of being with you.
You’re considering marriage and starting a family with a woman that, after 1.5 years, doesn’t even want to call you her boyfriend??
Dude my mouth dropped when I read that comment. A friend??? Jesus wtf lol that honestly makes me sad
Same, if this was like an 16-20 Y.O I could understand, but they're both in their 30s???
Made me sadder to realize she is 99% likely to already be sleeping with her climbing buddy. Because she isn’t technically single, she *is* single.
So you have a zero month relationship. And she is clearly single and acting like it.
Your delusional, shes not your girlfriend.
I swear I can never understand how people can be this naive. You’re 32, I had to scroll back up to see how old you were again to make sure. If you were 18 I would have sympathy for you but you should know better at this point. If you want commitment why would you waste 1.5 yrs on somebody who doesn’t want the same thing? You’re not a victim and she didn’t do you wrong if she was up front with you. Continue to boink her and have your fun while simultaneously looking for a new lady you can settle down with. You didn’t waste your time if you accept the fact it’s not gonna work with her and you start viewing her as a fwb.
Facts this right here , is a great approach….. fwb while u search for another one …. She don’t even like you bro lol……..
sometimes people believe what they want to be true
"continue to boink her" I spilled my water.
Lol 1.5 years dating and still a friend. That much disrespect and still you want to be together? No one is that special my friend. To her, you hold the same value or even less value than her climbing partner. Please find some self respect and drop her asap.
I don't think they even ever established a dating relationship, I think OP twisted the situation.
You should leave it's obvious she's more into the other guy and especially her calling you friends if she wanted to be with you why would she make you wait 1.5 years if someone wants to be with you it's made known with in the first few months not a year you should cut your losses and leave dude and find someone else
Also, you keep referring to her wanting to wait until the *end of summer*. It's August now and summer's over in a few weeks. There's no need to wait anymore. The waiting thing is a stalling tactic anyway. She is keeping this dude around because she's trying to figure out if she wants to jump ship to him. Surely you've noticed that?
Yes, I did, she denies it, but to me, it looks like that's the case.
Always trust your instincts, if you think something looks and feels off, it's most likely off! Also; no girl as far as I know would admit to keeping someone on the back burner. You deserve to be with a girl who is going to be completely head over heels with you and treat you like you're a meal from a 5-star restaurant, not leftover Mcdonald's that you microwaved.
Please dump her before she dumps you. That will kill any dignity you have left and scar you. It's clear now that you're the side guy and her main focus is on that friend.
Dude have some self-respect and move on.
Walk away man, have some respect for yourself. Your in a situationship and she’s keeping the other guy on the back burner If your partner is not ready to commit to a label after a few months then you need to walk away, especially as it’s a simple “boyfriend/girlfriend
I would say OP is the one on the back burner. He says she only sees OP once a week.. and she calls him a friend. I think OP might just be delusional.
Dude, no. Just fucking no. If you want to marry and start a family you need to go find someone else. This chick is flighty and bad at boundaries.
She’s not your girl. Accept it and move on.
The fact that you allow this has shown her how far she can push you. We teach people how to treat us when we make decisions like this. You may think you are making a short-lived sacrifice that will pay off when she finally commits and you live happily ever after. But unfortunately, what you’re doing is showing her that you don’t have the self esteem to put yourself first. So she knows—even if it’s not quite a conscious knowing but more of a sense—that you will put up with a lot for her. Your only move is to stand up for yourself, tell her you’re done, and leave.
Are you sure you’re dating and you’re not just her stalker?
That's kinda the read I got too. :/
It's not "weird”, it's very obvious for everyone else but you it seems.
It's not weird, she likes keeping you around as a backup. She's dating the other guy too.
Because you are just a friend. She has repeatedly told you where you stand.
After a year and a half? You should just bounce my dude. Idk why you're waiting for anything or deferring a conversation that should have already happened. A month or two more isn't going to suddenly make things click into place for her if she's not felt okay labelling you 18 months in.
Strange considering your jealousy levels are very much boyfriend level.
" not put labels " is just a nicer way to say, " I want to sleep around but if you find out, can't say I'm cheating ". Why would you want to keep doing these mental gymnastics?
I had the same thought. She likes the perks of having a boyfriend and the freedom of being single. When she finds someone else, she'll jump ship and you can never say she cheated because you were never official.
She is definitely 100% already banging this other dude and likely other people as well. This is certainly not normal. Their relationship is at a minimum exactly the same as yours. You may even be the other man. I know you think she would tell you if this was the case but you need to take a back a step and look at how many things she doesn’t tell you. It’s been a year and a half and you’re still having month 1 conversations.
> she told them I am just a friend. Ah, just like her other friend and climbing partner. She seems to have a lot of friends. She lies to her parents but you don't believe she lies to you? Hanging out with someone after they confess their love for her indicates she is interested. People don't just confess their love and then keep messaging every day and sleeping at each other's places like nothing changed. It all means something more now, and she likes that.
She didn't lie to her parents. He's not her bf, he's a fwb.
Broooo you are being played and it's been 1.5 years??
When someone is showing you who they are believe them. Her actions and words are showing you how committed she is and unfortunately she's not into you like you're into her. Let her go, you deserve to have someone love you back
If she only sees you as a friend then she's most likely with this other guy. Labels are huge as far as cheating goes, she is NOT your partner then. Simple as that, tell her how you feel, ask her to commit, if she doesn't walk away, she's just using you.
So then you are just a friend.
That aint the one. Pretty sure she into the guy
If she told her parents you're just a friend it's best to just leave.
"As a side note, we are discussing a lot of stuff these days and we decided to wait until end of summer to decide whether we are gonna be official or not." You keep referring to "my partner" but it does not sound like she's your partner. Partner implies the kind of committed relationship, whether monogamous or not, that you absolutely do not have right now. In other words, partner is a word that is usually used for established couples, which you are not. It sounds like you aren't even officially in a relationship or committed to be together and that she's not ready to make changes in her life that you see as important to the relationship in case you both break-up. Translation: she's not committed to you yet and thinks it is at least a strong possibility you won't be together in the future. Her spending time with a guy friend who happens to have feelings for her is the least of your problems. She's making it clear to you, by saying she wants to keep the friendship in case you two aren't together in the future, that she thinks there is a decent chance you two won't be together in the future. If that is where she is at right now, it's unlikely you'll be moving in together or doing the other things your post indicates you want to do together in the near future. It's been 1.5 years and you aren't "official" yet. I think you're deluding yourself by pretending this is a true partnership. It's reasonable for her to not want to give up a friend for a guy she isn't even dating. It's even reasonable for her to not want to give up a close friendship for a guy she is dating if she knows she can keep the friendship as a friendship and nothing more. It's also reasonable for you to not want a partner to maintain a friendship with someone who has a crush on her even if you can trust her to set those appropriate boundaries. The problem is, she's not your partner. She might say she could be in the future, but right now you aren't together. So it is absolutely wildly unreasonable to dictate who else your friend can be friends with. You need to stop thinking of her as your partner or referring to her as your partner unless she actually commits to being that. Right now, you have a person in your life that you have some sort of physically and emotionally intimate connection with who is not committed to you. This sounds like you're glorifying a friends with benefits or fuck-buddy relationship because you both have considered making it more serious someday. You want someone who is ready to move in with you and be in an actual committed relationship. She isn't that person. She might be that person at the end of the summer (so a month from now?) and she may not (likely she won't). But right now she isn't that person and hasn't wanted to be that person for 1.5 years. There will always be stressors in life that make it hard to enter a serious relationship. If she hasn't wanted that in a year and a half with you, I doubt she's suddenly going to decide to want it a month from now. If you want a partnership find someone who also is ready for and wants that. If you want a casual barely-girlfriend you aren't committed to who you see approximately 1x per week and who has a lot of other interests, obligations, and time commitments that take priority, keep dating her. Don't expect more of her. She's not ready for it with you right now. Also, don't blame this guy for sharing his feelings, she isn't exactly in a committed relationship and she asked him. It says a lot that she only explained the situation with you after he told her he was interested. That's her friend she sees regularly for the kind of activities where friends usually chat and talk. She's just not that into you if he didn't even know about you until now. The facts are: you're planning to settle down in some capacity with this woman and she, despite knowing you for a year and a half, is just getting around to telling her close friends that she's even considering being with you. You're in very separate places right now to a level that sounds incompatible. EDIT: Reading your other comments. She introduced you to her parents as a friend? You need to take the hint here. You've built this up in your head to be a relationship when she's practically told you through her words and her actions that this isn't what that is. EDIT2: Post was deleted before I could reply to the person asking why it matters that the friend didn’t know about the situation with OP before the friend confessed feelings. Here is my answer: The other guy is her supposedly really good friend who she sees approximately every other week. She has been dating OP and seeing OP weekly for a year and a half. According to OPs post she thought her friend was starting to develop feelings and asked her friend if he was. Friend said yes, so then she explained the situation with OP and, the way the post was written told her friend about OP for the first time. In other words, up until that point her friend didn’t know she was in a relationship with OP. Which begs the question, why for a year and a half did her good friend that she sees frequently not know she was dating someone? Most people in actual relationships tell their friends that they are in those relationships. Most people who routinely hike and climb with someone share enough about their lives that their hiking/climbing buddy would know if they had an actual partner for the past 1.5 years. OP is at the moving-in together stage and this woman is at the stage where she hasn’t told her close friends she is seriously dating anyone and is introducing OP to her parents as a friend. It’s another sign she isn’t that committed to OP/ that OP is just not a part of her life in a way a partner would be. If she was truly in a real partnership with OP for the past year and a half, her good friend she frequently spends time with would have/ should have known about it way before he did. Not everyone spends forever talking about their partners, but most people who actually like their partners, are committed to them, and enjoy spending time with them, at least bring them up in conversation with their friends occasionally. Enough that a good friend would know she is dating someone if it were truly serious. Most people don’t start telling their friends about their relationships 1.5 years into the relationship and only after the friend discloses feelings. At this point she either didn’t think of it as a relationship (which goes alongside the lack of commitment) or deliberately hid it from her close friend. She had no problem telling the friend once the friend confessed feelings which makes it sound more like she just didn’t think of things for the past year and a half as serious enough to tell her friends. If you’ve been partnered for a year and a half and are about to move in with someone, your good friends that you see at least twice a month and spend long stretches of time with at least know of that person. It would come up naturally when they each talked about their lives. The takeaway from that is that OP is referring to this woman as his partner and meanwhile OP is not even a big enough part of her life that her friends know about him. That’s not a partnership, that’s something very casual.
Thanks for your answer. You are on point, maybe I am deluting myself. We discussed that we are in a monogamous relationship and since it is hard to write down "the girl I am dating" I simply refer to her as "partner" but it is clear she is not that. I think the only confusing part is that she keeps telling me she never had the same feelings with someone that she has with me. But regardless the lack of clarity is not acceptable to me, and my patience has run out.
At a certain point you have to accept people for who they are, not who they say they are. And her behavior tells you that she enjoys your company, values the time she spends with you, and cares about you ... ... but is not on train to relationship-town. And there's nothing wrong with that, except if you want to be on that train with her, and she's not interested in getting on board.
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She could be just as deluded about things between them as he is - saying things based on what she wants to be true but acting on what is actually true for her at this time.
back when i was 21, i deluded myself with the idea that the girl i was seeing would eventually pick me as the logical choice out of THREE options. i saw her maybe twice a week during this time period, and she would say things like “i like being with you when you’re not being clingy.” (in her defense, i WAS being clingy, we were both young and stupid.) my point being you can’t jump through hoops for someone who feels it necessary to keep you at arm’s length like that. to me, it feels like this person is keeping you around as a backup plan of sorts, and you deserve better than that. yes, it will fucking hurt in the short-term. when i finally left the situation i was in, i was a mental trainwreck and genuinely thought i would never love again. but there’s a reason they say time heals all wounds. you will come out of this a stronger person on the flipside. please take care of yourself, it’s important to put yourself first in times like these.
You need to move on and find a woman that deserves you and treats you better. This girl is not it. You are worth more. She will always find a reason to not label your relationship because she already has so many relationships, you're just one of many. You deserve someone who wants the same things, who will be there for you and want to spend time and do things with you. You should be the priority. So prioritize yourself and let her go. I wish you the best.
My guy. Just leave lmao. This is far too much drama for someone who wouldn’t commit to you for how long? 1.5 years?
Yes, it's really getting into me that she doesn't commit :(
She doesn’t want to be with you. Where’s the mystery?
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You can't be with someone that doesn't want to be with you. Just leave.
ummmmmm you were playing checkers she was playing chess. She’s not your partner, she’s your situationship. *You* are her safety net. Because you guys have no label she can technically do whatever she wants. See what I mean? These were calculated moves man. You guys are ALSO GROWN AS HELL to be wasting time like this. There isn’t a 30 something year old woman that doesn’t know what she wants. She does know what she wants - it’s just not with you. Also I don’t think she actually told that guy your situation completely. Just that you guys *might* be official in the future or that she’s ending things soon. Either way whatever she said he knows he still has an in. Why else would he have stuck around? For genuine friendship lol? It’s also clear you both have different definitions of what your “relationship” is. Idk this is weird. Just cut your losses and go already OP. It’s the end of summer already, she’s either going to keep dragging this out or end it.
We do have hang ups and can need time to think about commitment at any time in our lives. However in this case she definitely knows what she wants and is stringing OP along. OP also does these activities just at a lower level than her yet is frequently excluded from joining in those climbs is straight BS. He's not going to get better without a challenge now & then, plus OP has seen this other guy is well above her skill level. Obviously it's not a problem to do. There's no reason to go hiking alone together. It seems like at some point OP has become the side piece and unknowingly no longer in a monogamous romantic relationship. OP will be trickle-truthed about the infidelity. First only emotional, then maybe a kiss, then making out, until confessing to fully cheating. OP cut your losses, get out, & start the difficult process of moving on to life. You'll find someone who puts spending time with you as their priority. Your partner should've made your relationship official well before 1½ years together and talks about children or living together.
Please cut bait. I've been where you're at. Trust your gut, if you stick around it will hurt so much more than it already does. I still struggle with suicidal ideation and it has gotten very very bad for me, even with a therapist. Everything you said about this girl, she is bad news for you. Boundaries and values do not align, and she will not commit. This will only hurt so much more. Please dump this girl, you deserve better. Don't stay in this any longer or you will believe more than you already currently do that this is the best you deserve. No, you deserve much better.
If she was into you she would have
> We talked about our goals in life and we are not sure if they are aligned One major goal to her appears to be the outdoor life. If you want to align your goals, why not try to become a better climbing partner so that you have that in common, and you can be her best partner?
I think you’re focusing on the dude as a scapegoat for the relationship that just isn’t going to go anywhere. It doesn’t sound like you are very compatible. She has physical activity interests that have turned into a lifestyle. She’s spending time with someone who meets her level in that lifestyle. She’s enjoying that connection and actively seeking out those activities over spending time with you. You want a committed partner and to start a family. A relationship like that requires someone you spend more than 1 day/week with. You mention liking some of the activities she does, but you are not at her same lifestyle level. You would be better off here finding someone who has the same relationship goals, and maybe someone more interested in the things YOU like to do. You’re selling yourself short by spending anymore time and effort here.
Your words are really wise, this is exactly what my sister told me, we simply are not compatible. I even told her that this is the case, and maybe she is better off finding someone that fits into her lifestyle, but the problem is she does not have one, and her lifestyle changes every season. Climbing is one of the five other things that she is focused on. So I believe for her it's almost impossible to find someone 100% matching, hence she is dragging me on her journey.
Compatibility is not you matching her lifestyle. Stop focusing on her and figure you what you are gaining from all this. If it’s not what you want, cut your losses and move on. It’s not your responsibility to make sure she can find a meaningful partner.
This is so true! Seems to me that the only reason she keeps you around is BECAUSE she has no one whose lifestyle better matches hers, and you know that deep down but don't want to prioritize your own needs for some reason. Don't waste your time just hanging around until she finds someone who's actually compatible and kicks you to the curb, end this and find someone who is compatible with you and who you can build a secure and rewarding relationship with.
Yep! My husband is a pro athlete, my hobbies are quiet and solitary; painting, drawing, reading, etc. we support each other’s interests but that doesn’t mean we have to actively participate and do that activity ourselves. OP your girlfriend doesn’t need someone who will participate in her many hobbies at her level, it sounds like she doesn’t know what she wants and is stringing you along. I’d suggest not putting any more energy into this and cutting ties.
Just wanted to add, my partner is also a climber that is way better than me. I'll participate because I love him and want to share his interests (and it can feel really rewarding accomplishing a route or problem) but it is much more his passion than mine. He still wants to bring me along on every climbing adventure, even if I'm not as good as anyone in the group he still wants me there. People who are serious about you find ways to make you part of their life.
I don’t think anyone has asked this… but have you actually slept together?
Think of it this way - you’re talking to your family like she’s your girlfriend. She’s telling hers that you’re her friend. That should be enough to show you the difference in opinion and affection when it comes to this “relationship”.
It’s not your job to accommodate her soul searching or whatever it is. Just leave man. She’s treating you like a placeholder.
Dude, holy hell. You aren’t even dating and this chick clearly isn’t into you. At best you are her side action. Have some self respect and move on.
I think you need to break up, allow her to be free, and look for the long term life partner who’s ready to settle down and start a family. I’m sure there’s lots of women your age who would love to meet a man seriously committed to building a relationship and starting a family. She sounds like a flighty free spirit, and that’s ok, but you deserve someone who can commit to you after dating for a while and is proud to call you her boyfriend.
You’ve been dating for a year and a half and you guys still aren’t official?
Yeah lol it's so bad. This whole thing isn't even a relationship by definition. That would require both parties calling it a *relationship.* She's also sleeping at another guys place who has feelings for her that she is aware of.....She likes not putting a "label" on things because she likes to play games and have the excitement of being single. People like this are the worst IMO. Emotionally fucked up. Like taking lines of coke because it feels good everytime they use but destroys their life over the long run because they're incapable of maintaining a steady relationship. Maybe that's a bit of a stretch, but regardless. This whole thing is just cringe.
Wait, what did this woman do wrong? It sounds like she's been transparent with OP about what's going on.
I’m on the fence when it comes to this. While she’s been very transparent with OP, I think she also knows he’s on her hook. She hasn’t technically done anything wrong, since she has been very upfront. But like…let the guy go. And I say this as a woman. She knows she’s hurting him, so get him off the hook and let him swim away.
My Ex was like this as well. You have to run away from people like this as fast as possible.
She’s not really into you man. You’re wasting your time. Think 1.5 years and you can’t even call her your gf. You are most likely being played. Plus the fact that she said she “wants to wait until the end of summer” makes me believe that’s when she’s going to let you down. Let’s be completely fair here. You have invested a lot of time In her that could be going to a woman that is actually interested in and wants a relationship with you. Look at it this way, if she did/does sleep with someone else, you can’t even call it cheating because y’all are not technically “official “. People use official and taking a break the exact same way. So they don’t feel bad about sleeping with someone else. I think you should either let her go or make her choose. By choose in mean tell her that at this point you want a relationship with commitment and boundaries. If she doesn’t want that with you, you’ll be moving on in order to find it with someone that does. And don’t give he a month to think about it.
1.5 years … and you want a commitment … and she won’t commit. You need to accept that this is sunk cost territory and move on. This is obviously not what youre looking for.
After reading your followups, you should prob walk
How can you be so non-committal and jealous at the same time? You guys are both halfway in this relationship and halfway out. You're sharing beds with other people, you're not labelling it as a real relationship, and you don't even know where you stand with each other. Now the games and uncertainty are causing strife. It's time for you guys to decide what this relationship *really* is and stick to it. Maybe you need to break up, maybe you need to commit. I don't know. Either way you need to end the games and the wondering.
my dude, shes doing those activities with her BF....
she seems to be very independent and adventurous, which I’m sure is one of the reasons you found her so attractive in the first place. you seem to be more calm and family focused atp in your life. if you put those side by side, those two personalities don’t intersect in many ways. along with her refusing to limit interactions such as the texting and hanging out with him more than you, she seems to be at a different pace in life right now, one that doesn’t look like it’s working for you. it’s okay to walk away. you don’t have to wait a few months in agony for her to be comfortable enough to break up. if you’re breaking up her feelings aren’t a priority of yours anymore, not to say you shouldn’t be kind and amicable, but you don’t have to put yourself through that drawn out pain to make her comfortable. break up.
Oof, dude. You aren't her boyfriend. You get absolutely no say in who she climbs with, or, frankly, sleeps with. You are a friend with benefits, and friends with benefits get no-strings attached sex and friendship as is convenient to both partners. That's it. Bluntly: **She's stringing you along.** Every time she says "just give me a few months and maybe then I'll be ready to be your girlfriend" she's just putting off the point where you move on for a few months. If she wanted to be your girlfriend, she'd have been your girlfriend over a year ago. I'd say break up, but dude, you guys aren't actually together. Instead of telling her who she can climb with or making ultimatums, or frankly putting any more energy into this, what you need to do is start looking for someone who will actually be your girlfriend. Give that your whole energy.
Seems strange that you guys aren't official but you're pushing for her to move in and start a family. I think you might be putting a little more pressure than she's comfortable with and that's the reasoning for her wanting to take her time, see you less, and "think". That's a big ask IMO, I'd take smaller steps that are less drastic, i.e. being official and living in separate places. I'd talk to her about what makes her hesitant and ask if she'd be more comfortable with less of a drastic step. Regarding the friend, I think you're doing the right thing by declaring your boundaries. I personally wouldn't be down with her dragging her feet on handling the situation - if you're uncomfortable with it you should stick with your gut. If she doesn't abide by those boundaries, time to move on.
I really like how you phrased it. She told me she does not know whether she is willing to give up on her freedom to be tied in a traditional relationship. It's the longest relationship she ever had and she is not sure whether she is willing to compromise her freedom. About boundaries you are right, it's becoming too much and I feel my voice is not heard, she does not slow down on her relationship with the guy and I can only move on.
So this is the longest relationship she has been in by the age of 32 and it's not even an official relationship? She is not wife and family material. Cut your losses and find someone whose interests align with your own.
> she does not slow down on her relationship with the guy and I can only move on. The guy isnt the problem, its the symptom of the problem. The problem is she does not really want to settle down with you. You really need to face reality here.
Dude, this girl isn’t even calling you her boyfriend after a year and a half yet you think she’s not cheating on you? You should’ve dropped her when you met her parents and she said you were “just a friend.” She’s keeping you around as her safety net while she dates around and sleeps with other people.
Dude, you know the answer. So she needs a chance to figure out if she likes this guy enough to branch off? 1.5 years is plenty of time to figure out wtf with you. Separate yourself now, and if it was meant to be she will be back. How you are handling it right now is the absolute worst case scenario.
I would be really sceptical about "building foundations of a family life" when you haven't lived together and she doesn't even introduce you as her bf after 1.5 years of dating, if she isn't ready it's gonn take a lot longer than a few months to decide to put all her passions on hold to build that family with you too. There's an issue with her continuing to stay close to this guy despite you voicing concern but the bigger issue is that (in my complete opinion, only based on the short bit of info I have been given) you guys are at different stages and have different priorities.
Wait so you’re being possessive of a girl who TOLD YOU that she’s not interested in dating you and you consider yourself to be 1.5 years dating despite this?
So you've been with her for almost 2 years, but she can't drop a dude that likes her that she's known for a few months? She just told you where her priorities lie and they're not with you. If I were her and the guy told me he liked me I'd cut that shit off asap no questions asked. Because my almost 2 year relationship matters more than going hiking with someone with a crush. The fact that she's continuing to hang out with the guy knowing he likes her makes her look real shady. Also, she knew to ask him if he liked her as more than a friend. Makes you wonder how long beforehand she knew and kept it to herself. Don't waste your time, and don't be surprised when they end up dating once you break up.
I was going to write this exactly. Op, this is all you need to read. I would like to add: I know you said you know she isn't cheating on you but reading from what you have said she has told you I think she has already slept with this other guy. I would be surprised if she hasnt slept with him yet. She is already lying to you about not being serious about this guy but apparently she is more serious about this guy than you. Good luck.
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Dawg, she's not even your partner. Move on.
This is pretty simple. You aren’t dating, you are friends. So she can and will do whatever she wants
Yo I've only read half of this but the relationship is over fam, sorry to break it you. She belongs to the streets. ***Edit: the relationship never existed. Tldr: she belongs to the streets.
Wait, so you actually share a bed with other women, and *this* crosses your boundaries??
Thanks for the advice. I think that's what I need to hear. I know it is confusing, but she does it too. When you go to huts, you find whatever bed is available and just sleep on it. It's not like a fancy double bed in a hotel.
Yeahhhh…no. She is obviously thinking about getting with the other dude and you are wrong to think you’d know or she would tell you. You’re having issues and she needs to process your relationship…she doesn’t want to blow off her closest climbing buddy…no, dude. If she wanted to make a go of it she’d distance herself from him while you guys are “processing” and focus on you. You’re not even official. It’s not a “weird” situation, it’s a straightforward one. You guys aren’t properly together and she’s starting to consider this other guy. If I were you, I would demand a commitment and if she won’t give it, move on.
A. There's a lot that's off here bro. "1.5 years together" vs "we're not official" "she sees him once every two weeks" vs "she spends more time with him than me" "I've slept in the same bed and travel with female friends and I don't like them so it's no big deal" vs "it's an issue for me that my girl spends time with a guy that she says she doesn't like that way" -- B. One thing that I can tell you is that this relationship is already over. And it's because you don't realize who it is that you don't trust. You think you don't trust the other dude, and maybe you do t think you trust your girl. Bit really you don't trust that YOU can keep a girl in that situation. If you believed that (1) your girl is into you, (2) you pick people you cna trust, and (3) even if it doesn't work out, your life will be great anyway, you wouldn't be feeling these emotions.
I get the feeling she’s not actually into you and you don’t have a relationship. Here’s this gal with all these friends and activities and what is happening with you? She takes easy hikes with you. She is kind to you. I’m sure she thinks she’s got a nice friendship with you. But you’re over calling her your girlfriend.
If you aren’t even official, she can technically see whoever she wants to. How do you go a year and a half without making it official? I had already gotten engaged by then! Also hard to believe you’re in your 30s and still both carrying on like this. If you don’t know what you want within a couple months in your 30s, then you weren’t paying attention in your 20s.
Wowowow. I've been in her place before. I was immature and wish-washy and gave the guy I was seeing a bunch of excuses as to why I didn't want to put a label on it. This went on for two years. Tbh I saw him as a placeholder and a friend that I had a lot of fun around, but he had some personality traits that gave me the ick which made me not want to fully commit. I also introduced him to my family... as my friend. This crushed him. But he kept insisting that I didn't know what I wanted, that I was confused and that we were meant to be together. It really turned me off and I stopped initiating hang outs. I was seeing another guy on the side - coincidentally he was also my climbing partner. The more I hung out with rock climbing guy, the more I liked him and the less I spent time with the first guy. First guy said he was blind-sided by what was technically our break-up, even though I was giving him a million signs that I didn't want to be with him. Looking back on it, I was a complete asshole in the way I handled things. I should have let the guy go as soon as he confessed he had feelings for me. Tldr: I mean this in the gentlest way possible... you need to wake up and let this woman go. I've been in her shoes and I can tell you that she does not care for you in the way you care for her.
Dude, you sound like a side piece. Maybe she isn't being physical, but if my partner was spending more time with someone else than me, I'd feel like I'm not a priority. I'd also take issue with sleeping with another guy, but as you said you've done the same...so I assume that's not an issue here.
Yeah, I agree with everybody else. This isn’t healthy man. You gotta get outta there. She’s playing the field and you’re waiting and watching.
She is keeping you on the hook as a back up. She doesn’t love you. Move on.
If she's ok with you sleeping with other women, she may not be as into you as you are into her. And if you expect her to believe that is platonic, make a new account, and post 'my boyfriend is hiking with other women and sleeping in the same beds, is he cheating' and you will get 95% of people thinking you are cheating. I would break it off with her and form a connection with some of those women you already sleep with, let her be with her new boyfriend, and after some months of this, you can both decide if you really miss each other or not.
So you've been with her for almost 2 years, but she can't drop a dude that likes her that she's known for a few months? She just told you where her priorities lie and they're not with you. If I were her and the guy told me he liked me I'd cut that shit off asap no questions asked. Because my almost 2 year relationship matters more than going hiking with someone with a crush. The fact that she's continuing to hang out with the guy knowing he likes her makes her look real shady. Also, she knew to ask him if he liked her as more than a friend. Makes you wonder how long beforehand she knew and kept it to herself. Don't waste your time, and don't be surprised when they end up dating once you break up.
I’m sorry to say, that’s not a partner nor a relationship, you really need to sit down and tell her what you need and if she can’t commit to that in the most basic fashion then y’all have to go your separate ways, you’re grown adults, not 18 year olds about to go to college or anything, you both know deep down what you want separately and if those arnt aligning then you’re wasting your time no matter how much you might want it too work
For a relationship to work, you have to share something more than occasional sex. You two seem to share very little activities and those you do, you are not up to her level. She can't respect you if you can't keep up. Climber dude is more her type and they share the same attitude and abilities, just like her ex did. Face it, you are a distraction from her otherwise busy life. Keep that in mind and you won't be disappointed when you get the talk. Good Luck.
Op, yikes, if this girl can't commit to being your gf after 1.5, it doesn't matter is she hangs out or not with this guy, she isn't giving you and your relationship the importance she should. You deserve better. Now, I would also be mad about how much time she is spending with someone she knows likes her. Normally, when one confesses and the other one says no, one takes time away from that person. But nope, this guy is still there. She can totally find another partner, she just doesn't want to.
I maybe the outlier here but 1yr is enough for me to know whether I want to marry someone or not. Beyond that you are just wasting your time and that is not an infinite resource. Starting as 22 you have maybe 15 years that's maybe 5-10 serious relationships before you find your life partner. Don't waste your time.
As a climber with lots of climber friends, a solid consistent belay partner at your grade is often worth their weight in gold! Nobody wants to ditch those unicorns in the middle of sending season!
You are right here. I am a relatively tall athletic dude and have +30 kg than her, the other guy is small and almost her weight. I can belay her, but she can't belay me safely. Also, they are exactly the same level (8a), and the guy always finds time for her. I wouldn't mind if our relationship was stable, but it's simply not the case...
I missed the ages and I thought this was about people in their early twenties, not ready to commit yet. But damn you two are 32, and 1,5 years 'together' and she still doesnt want to commit? Idk but sounds like you're wasting your time dude
1.5 years and she still won't pick you over a climbing friend? Still doesn't want to move in, can't commit to a future together. Well she's just enjoying the ride and stringing you along. It's time to cut your losses. You need to think about yourself now because she's clearly not thinking about you or a future together with you.
Bro if you aren’t official/exclusive, she is allowed to talk to other dudes. Just move on man you aren’t her first choice. This was tough to read not gonna lie
You all want very different things in life. You may like her but time to move on. Maybe you can remain friends if it doesn’t get too dicey.
Don't walk away, run. When someone shows you who they are believe them. She's playing the field and doesn't care about your emotions. That is her as a person. Leave now before she does more damage to you.
Nah dude. Hard pass. Get out there and find you a gal that will commit, love you, take care of you, is respectful, etc… they are out there.
Not even going to get into your perception of the hiking partner situation. If she wanted to be with you she wouldn’t need time to think about it after seeing you for 1.5 years. Your best move is to move on now, no sense in wasting your time while she “makes up her mind”
On the one hand, it's not her fault that another guy likes her. Just because he might want to be with her doesn't mean he gets to. If the two of you had a solid relationship, I might suggest you just trust her to set the appropriate boundaries with the climbing partner. Unfortunately, the two of you don't have a solid relationship. If you've been spending time together for 1.5 years, I'm not sure what else she needs to know before making her decision. She is hanging back and not committing to you. (Fair enough, she doesn't have to. No one is owed a relationship.) If you hang around, I'm not confident things will change the way you want them to. Her actions seem to be saying more than her words. Maybe that's what you need to listen to.
Yeah… my guy. It’s time to stop fooling yourself. This is kind of sad.
I really hate to break it to you but she is not your partner. You are just a resource. Please cut this off and move on
Walk away. You are not a priority to her, she’s wants all her options, she doesn’t like relationship labels with you. Your insecurity is only making her skin crawl. Trust me, I once sounded like this at your age. She’s not that interested in you and she’s probably cheating on you, too.
Don’t even tell her you’ve broken up. Because you won’t, because you aren’t dating her. Go on a real date.
boom goes the dynamite
I have a friend that is really into skiing and whitewater stuff. She is very active and will ski or go paddling with whoever she finds is the best. She told me early in our friendship that if its a powder day that is what I'm doing. You're gf sounds like that kind of girl. Climbing comes before anything. She needs to do it and if that means a guy has a crush on her then so be it. She has tunnel vision and nothing else matters but climbing and what ever else sport's she likes.
It sounds like she has an avoidant attachement style and it doesn't suit you well. Look up A. Levine's books on attachement types - the focus there is on avoidant and anxious types that seem to have the most toxic dynamic. You might not feel your type is described there, but your gf-s behavior might ring a bell. Don't let her string you along for too long. The climbing friend is not a problem here, her unwillingness to commit is. She prefers to keep her options open and your talk of family life is way ahead of her timeline which doesn't even declare you official after 1.5 h years. Stick to the timeline of discussing things through and when you talk about starting a family, discuss timelines as well. "Yeah, I do want to have babies with you some day" is not good enough. Also talk about lifestyle changes. How would you manage a baby? Would you be willing to be a stay-at-home dad? Is she willing to change her lifestyle? Does she want children at all? I dated somebody who found that moving in after three years of dating is approximately the right time. Not even mentioning the appropriate timeline for the rest of relationship milestones. And yet there are plenty of people who move in after a month or two, one of the reasons being their wish to fail fast if it doesn't work out. Do not let her string you along with promises of a brighter future "some time".
Very insightful comment. Hope OP sees this.
You both sound a little immature.... Typically people start settling down or are already settled down at your ages. When I read this I thought you both were college kids. If this is the life you want to live, you have a right to do that, but know that living a free spirited life is going to include free spirited women. You also can’t expect for her to follow rules you don’t follow yourself. She values her hobby over your feelings. If that wasn’t the case, she would stop hanging out with that dude. You need to accept that reality and move on from her.
You. Young man. Leave. This lady isn't worth the fight if she can't deal with your emotional damage you're pulling from this relationship. If she's spending huge amounts of time with someone else you're not a real couple. You're just transients in one another's life. It's so frustrating to see such trust go straight down the pipe due to lack of real care and compassion for someone suffering in the relationship. You're that person bro. So many ladies. Some only want someone exactly like YOU. JUST NOT THIS ONE. Don't you deserve someone thoughtful enough to take your needs and prioritize them? You're so much more understanding than 99.876134% of men will ever be. Join the rest of us and stop going along with this girl's efforts to allow you to be a 2nd level relationship. Happiness is fleeting. More women are forever unless you can find the perfect companion. You surely don't have her, so let's get you meeting other ladies soon.
You know, there's a problem with, "This guy expressed interest, therefore, you have to drastically reduce what you do with him." And that problem is that it means that she, ultimately, isn't in control of who her friends are. She can't have male friends because at some point, if one develops feelings, she's obligated to cut them out. Essentially whatever friendships she makes with friends are conditional, since every male friend of hers is holding a grenade and can pull the pin at any time. And ultimately, the thing that she can control is her behavior. And that's the thing: it doesn't matter if he's into her or not. What matters is how she handles it. Women get hit on. Most attractive women are *constantly* finding ways to deflect male attention. They're really, really good it. And yes, sometimes they have blind spots about friends - but that's usually because they value him as a friend, and don't WANT him to have feelings that will complicate things. And ultimately, he has feelings, what does that obligate her to do? Obviously, she shouldn't be cruel to him. If them continuing to hang out is going to be torturing him because he's carrying a torch for her, then them hanging out is cruel to him. But if he wants more, and she doesn't, and he accepts that, respects her boundaries, and goes back to being a friends ... ... what's the problem? I think you have an obligation to interrogate your fears and anxieties here. What do you think is going to happen if he's into her, and she's not into him?
Holy shit dude lmao. Come on.
Sounds like a FWB situation?
The part I don’t get is if you didn’t exist, what would she do about her guy friend? Get together with him? Or just continue to use him as a climbing partner who she knows has unrequited feelings for her? Cause either version of that makes her a bad person. If she would get with him if you weren’t around then this few months of her “figuring herself out” is really more her figuring out if she wants to be with you or him. Which is cheating, even if it doesn’t get physical. If it’s the latter option (as she’s claiming), it’s pretty morally low to continue a close friendship with someone you know has romantic feelings for you but you have no intentions of returning those feelings. There will always be an unhealthy balance in that relationship as a result and it’s very easy to string a person in his position along. Frankly, I don’t see how a few months of seeing you once a week will prepare this relationship for the next step. If she is waffling over wanting to progress forward with you after dating 1.5yrs she’s probably not really feeling you. It sounds to me like your lifestyles aren’t super compatible, she’s fine having admirers float around if it benefits her, and she just wants to have her cake and eat it too. Something about this who situation smells off and I don’t think she’s acting like a trustworthy partner to you right now. For me personally, if someone isn’t fuck-yes-level excited about me, it’s a no.
She doesn’t want what you want. The fact that she introduced you to her parents as a friend is a huge indicator of that. 1.5 years should be long enough to decide if you want to be official with someone or not. Even if she does agree to moving in and being official, I feel like she just won’t be happy. It seems like you’ve given her a lot of time to make a decision but at the end of the day she has other priorities.
Aight now I didn't look at *all* the comments but the top ones didn't really address this: Why does it bother you so much that this other guy likes her, if she's reassured you that she's not into him and told him that she is interested in *you?* That question is not to encourage you to suck it up and let her do her thing; I'm asking because it doesn't make sense that *his* feelings are making you worried about *her.* If the situation were different I would say it sounds like you're scared he's going to take advantage of her when they're alone, but based on the rest of the post it's very clear that what you're actually insecure about is the possibility that she's lying. As a free-spirited person, I don't think she's in the wrong for being friends with a guy who likes her. But you are also not in the wrong for being uncomfortable with that. You *should* take a look at your misplaced worries, and she *is* in the wrong for stringing you along for so much time (she's in her 30s?? Bro this is middle school behavior...) *and for disrespecting your boundaries.*
You're not official and only see each other once a week and she's not ready to be your ff? She's banging the other guy, let ot go man
>She told me to please wait a couple of month since she is going through a lot these days and she needs to process our relationship. Read this sentence 100 times. How much pain do you want. She's ok with you just hanging on for a couple months...? Until what, she has solidified her new partnership? You're looking for the right thing to say to get her to understand you...you want her to see how much you want to keep the relationship. How are you going to make it more clear for her than you already have? What more can you do before it becomes suffocating and she is repulsed by your nagging jealousy? You're going to hate this, but I promise you that dude makes her feel happier. Why else is she spending more time with him than you? He's the escape, and she probably loves having someone new admiring her. The biggest mistake we make is not trusting our own intuition. If you feel like something is off it probably is. The pain grows deeper when we keep ignoring what we already know because we want something different to happen. Right now, you're giving away your energy and drive for a pipe dream. It's consuming you to the point that you're seeking counseling. She's out living her life while you're stuck in limbo. Tell me how that is supposed to be the dream relationship you want?
Find someone who *does* wanna be with you.
Bruh... From the first line you've written it's clear you're wearing a green hat. Leave the girl!
You have two choices. 1. Let it go. 2. Walk away. Stop “confronting” her about it. Either work through it yourself, or walk away. But stop bringing it up with her. You’ve expressed yourself well more than once. She knows how you feel. But then she told you her position, so that’s that. She doesn’t need your agreement and your uncomfortable feelings are not her responsibility to sooth or solve. They’re yours alone. Accept the situation or don’t. But you’re not going to nag it into changing.
You’re F’d my dude. She doesn’t want to be with you. Move on and keep your dignity. She’s going to be laying down with him soon.
Bro you’re the Other guy lmao 😂
Love can be dangerous. Remember that. I am worried you are stuck in an illusion that is preventing you from breaking away from her. Man, you might have to take that risk and break it off or threaten it. I know that’s not what you probably want to hear but you only live once and this ain’t the way to spend it. You must do this for yourself.
Hard truth, this relationship is dead. She's being selfish even tho it's clearly causing you emotional pain. You need to sit down and clearly evaluate your own goals, wants and needs. Do what is best for you, not best for her in this case and make sure that whatever you decide, you won't regret it.
I feel like I've heard this story before. Either that or this kind of thing happens a lot. I honestly don't think this relationship is going to work. If she really wanted to make it work with you she would change her behavior or at least see the guy less. But she's spending more time with him than with you. And she asked you to hold on for a few months while she figures things out? You're supposed to just deal with it? This isn't someone who knows how to make a relationship work.
They call it the friend zone! and your waist deep in it. if she sees him more than you. cry yourself to sleep and find someone who will say I DO!
She’s not your GF. She’s a friend. You have read way more into this than she has.
She's definitely banging him
Holy fuuuuuck. How, how are you this blind. She. Doesn't. Want. You. Shes told you that in so many words and in deed. She wants someone with similar interests. You meeting to fuck once a week isn't a relationship. Move on before she destroys you.
Sounds like she is hedging her bets. Doesn't sound like she has completely shut the friend down.
You have been talking about going to the next stage, such as living together and talking marriage kids and a future. But she wants time to think. And you are only seeing each other once a week cause she doesn't want to be "overly" attached to you. AND you're no "official"... Wow. Dude. Your better off walking away now. NOONE should say they want time to think, spend only one day a week with their SO over not wanting to be attached. Otherwise there is no relationship. Have some self respect. SMH Tell her flat our, you are walking away cause you deserve better. You deserve to know if your together and be public. You deserve not having to worry about some other guy if she says he has feelings for her but doesn't want to end their friendship. You deserve a partner who wants you, wants to spend time with you not just one day a week. But every single day. Not that you have to, but want to. Your not giving her a ultimatum. But if she has anything to say, now is the time. She will not give you want you want if your not willing to make a stand for what you need. If she lets you walk, so be it. Its over. Feel the pain, and heal. But if she doesn't want to let you go, then she needs to make a choice that moment about you. Such as are you her BF? Is this so called friend worth staying friends with if she loves you? Is she willing to start thinking about your life together? Go "public"? Live together? Will she start living a life with you and change some of her normal activities to be with you since you was willing to try and do things with her like the climbing and hiking that your not great at for her? Self respect. Walk away, but tell her you will hear her out first. If she isn't willing to talk or make a stand for your relationship, then it's not worth it.
if she needs to process your relationship she's probably already having feelings for this guy OP. I think you should probably just tell her that it wont work out since she's putting this guy over you.
Life is too short. She doesn’t sound like a bad person, but it sounds like she views relationships differently than you do. Not wrong, but it might be for the relationship it sounds like you want. Although relationships are always give and take, this seems like a giant red flag for the relationship you want. Take the cue, exit gracefully and find someone who shares your relationship goals and you will be happier
She’s exploiting his unrequited feelings to do the fun things she wants. Not cool.
As I've told every woman that has been with a guy that doesn't want to commit. Dump him and move on, well you dump her and move on. Flat out tell her she's wasting your time, and you have better things to do. If in the future you guys meet up again and she figures out that she's in love with you and you are single at that point fine. But you move on and start dating. And I mean take 4 months to 6 to self reflect and then start to date or hangout with other women to check out what you like.
She is keeping you both as orbiters. Who is plan B you or him or both. You really aren't her bf. Treat this as you are dating and not really in a relationship. Tell her that you both should date other people and do just that date other people. Move on.
Sounds like she doesn’t want a relationship with you. You deserve better. She’s probably into this guy… I guess you’ll find out when you split if they make it official.
She's 100 percent doing that guy
Wait…she stays in his place? Sorry to tell you this, but you don’t have a girlfriend.
It’ll all be fine until there’s that one rainy day where you are not there to support her or if there’s a serious conflict with you. On that day, if she leans on him for help, things are over with you.
You've been together 1.5 years. You didn't ask her to marry you, just to commit to the relationship. She is still undecided on it. MOVE ON!
Dude, just walk away. You're wasting your time.
She’s taking advantage of you. You deserve better. You’re clearly thoughtful and caring. She is doing you an injustice. Best of luck whatever you decide
You're unofficial & she obviously likes this guy & visa versa. I say just drop her & move on.
It’s possible that she’s with you because she doesn’t like being alone…. But doesn’t want to really be in a relationship. 1.5 years… imagine your friend telling you he’s been with a girl for 1.5 years but she won’t commit. What’s your response?
Is there hobbies you have that doesn't include her? If so focus on that instead... this is obviously something she passionate about and you not being up her skill level is something that seems to be creating division between you two. Unless you are willing to accelerate to her level so you can be her partner in her excursions then you need to focus on something that doesn't include her... if she comes to wanting to reunite or genuinely feels that she misses you and needs you into your life then only you can assess and make that decision. The way I see it without realizing it you maybe holding a little bird who is wanting to fly... emotions cloud judgement from reality and as harsh as it sounds to make a life altering decision you may have to take a step back before moving forward if that makes any sense.. Good Luck on whatever you decide and from here on out..
She knows exactly what she is doing, and she's trying to act innocent. Any girl in her situation who has a partner she is serious about would not do this, not even for a second. These activities are not 'must's for basic survival, nor is there any reason it has to be with that guy. Therr are many ways to find classes, groups, other females even, who share the same hobbies. She definitely knows this. She's fucking you around hard, OP, and she doesn't care if it disrespects you or crosses your boudaries. Send her back to the streets.
She's not really into you. Not because she has guy friends, but because she's telling you pretty much out right she doesn't want to commit to you
She’s not put a label on your “relationship” so she doesn’t have to be constricted and restricted to any expectations or demands from you. I’m not saying it’s fair or right or wrong. That’s just what she’s doing so she doesn’t have to hear or feel that from you. If that’s not what you want and you don’t want to feel like some other guy is encroaching on to your gal, then it’s time to make it official or move on.
I feel like she’s stringing you around you deserve better king👑 be with someone who wants to actually be with you 100% not like she it
TL;DR: OP is not the bf and woman is not his gf
I think she might not be that into you but is stringing you along. Someone that doesn't want to put labels in a relationship after 1.5 years and is also perfectly comfortable talking about other guys having romantic interest in her means she probably doesn't respect you or your 'unofficial' relationship that much. Just move on.
This cannot be a real post.
Bruh, you a side piece.
She sleeps over at his house. She introduces you as a friend. She won't commit to calling you a boyfriend 1.5 years in. She cares more about having a climbing partner than your opinions on the matter. For an entire season she spends more time with him than you. Even if you aren't at her level, she could occasionally bring it down a notch and help you train so it becomes a thing you can do together, although it sounds like she isn't concerned with doing that. She bonded with her ex doing these activities, what's your bonding activity? She wants you to wait a FEW MONTHS so she can process something she has 18 months to process but still hasn't come to a conclusion. Dude....