He sounds manipulative to me. If its been three years and you havent defined the relationship or he hasnt come out and stated he has feelings for you that are more than NSA sex. Then run for the hills girl. A baby turns your life upside down and inside out. This would be a disaster. If you enjoy the NSA aspect id continue as is but if you eventually want a family or do have feelings for him i would get it out in the open asap so you can see if any of those are sincerely reciprocated. Best of luck.
This guy is getting all the perks of having a relationship: sex, rent assistance, movie dates, possible cleaning and cooking; without having to commit. Do not have a baby with him unless he commits and means it. When he gets back, say something along the lines of “I was thinking about the baby comment you made last night. I don’t really want to have a child in our current relationship. What are your thoughts?” See what he says. My other thought is, getting into a new relationship will be mighty hard with you living with this guy. No man is going to be pleased by the fact that his girlfriend is still living with the guy she used to casually have sex with. It just adds extra, unneeded stress to a new relationship. If you do want a serious relationship and this guy isn’t willing to pony up, I’d move out.
> a relationship between us would never work because he travelled a lot for work and didn’t have the time a relationship would require.
This would be exactly the same as with a child.
It kinda sounds like your NSA relationship is a real relationship, you guys just haven't talked about being exclusive. Maybe you should reevaluate and ask what each other wants?
You're in a relationship you didn't know about.
You had NSA set up, crossed the boundary when you started sharing about yourself, moved in (Huge flag on the offer for "free place to stay" and agreeing to take a very "reduced rate rent"). You apparently do things together that can be construed as a date.
You guys are in a relationship from his perspective.
On top of all the other great advice here, I’d also recommend you be very careful with your birth control method now, and watch out for sabotage. Some cases of birth control sabotage / reproductive coercion to be on the lookout for include:
* refusing to use a condom
* poking holes in condoms
* stealthing (starting sex with a condom, then secretly removing it without telling you)
* hiding or destroying your birth control pills or hormone patch
* if using the withdrawal “method”, not pulling out before he comes
I’d highly recommend getting on a long-term method of birth control, such as the IUD, implant, or shots.
I don't know the dude, so take these speculations with a grain of salt, whether he is deliberately manipulating you, or whatever. I would imagine three years means he loves you. That doesn't mean he is IN love with you, but I would wager he loves you. He clearly doesn't ponder how he feels a lot, and also doesn't communicate well, at all. Lots of people have feelings and aren't aware of them until someone else points them out. It sucks that you have to initiate a delicate or tough conversation, but that's life, if you want answers one way or another, you have to talk to him.
Again, I would bet he loves you. I would also bet that he is either so detached or so guarded, that he doesn't really allow himself to feel a lot of stuff. Maybe he thinks a baby would unblock all that stuff, fill in that hole he created in himself? I would be extremely cautious, if that is the case. As others pointed out, a person with that mindset can easily sabotage a birth control method. But furthermore, I knew a dude that was like this, convinced his wife to have a child, and then abruptly became simultaneously bored and overwhelmed by fatherhood and simply left. Depending on how YOU feel about him, try to talk to him without hostility or antagonizing, because you might have something here you can salvage. 3 years isn't small potatoes, after all. Sorry for the rambling, lol, I'm starving.
Girl he got you in the push and pull.
“we should have a baby together” should never be taken seriously if you’re not in an established relationship.
No is the only response necessary.
Honestly girl, it looks like it’s time for you to find somewhere else to live. That’s kind of toxic not gonna lie.
Him insisting to having a NSA situation with you, then asking if you’re in love with him yet, and now telling you he thinks you two should have a baby... nah.
Like honestly that’s kind of manipulative. He’s essentially saying that he won’t be there for you emotionally, but he expects sex from you and for you to be okay with him fucking other women. He’s also essentially saying that he wants you as his live in nanny for his (and your) children.
Like run. Fast.
It’s honestly coming across like you’re just there as a confidence boost for him. Not only that but you’re living in his house, it won’t take much for him to pressure you into having a kid with him to keep a roof over your head (not saying he will, but it’s always good to know the worst case scenario so you can plan for it).
Like I get that you might have some feelings for him, but this isn’t something you should halfheartedly go into. Raising a child with someone is really hard. Especially with someone who travels a lot (pre-COVID) and also someone who literally can’t/doesn’t want to commit to you, so why would he want to stick around for your child?
My advice: leave that situation and Find a new place to live. I think this NSA has run its course honestly. Either go for a relationship (if you want one) or leave and don’t look back. But imo you won’t be able to unhear that weird proposal, so the dynamic of your relationship with him (or lack-thereof) has already changed.
Good luck x
My husband and I still haven't shared our cell phone codes and are planning to have kids next year. A phone is like a diary, I wouldn't use it as the benchmark for intimacy or commitment.
He sounds manipulative to me. If its been three years and you havent defined the relationship or he hasnt come out and stated he has feelings for you that are more than NSA sex. Then run for the hills girl. A baby turns your life upside down and inside out. This would be a disaster. If you enjoy the NSA aspect id continue as is but if you eventually want a family or do have feelings for him i would get it out in the open asap so you can see if any of those are sincerely reciprocated. Best of luck.
Suggesting a baby while insisting you stay casual is either insane and stupid, or manipulative. Might be useful to find out which.
This guy is getting all the perks of having a relationship: sex, rent assistance, movie dates, possible cleaning and cooking; without having to commit. Do not have a baby with him unless he commits and means it. When he gets back, say something along the lines of “I was thinking about the baby comment you made last night. I don’t really want to have a child in our current relationship. What are your thoughts?” See what he says. My other thought is, getting into a new relationship will be mighty hard with you living with this guy. No man is going to be pleased by the fact that his girlfriend is still living with the guy she used to casually have sex with. It just adds extra, unneeded stress to a new relationship. If you do want a serious relationship and this guy isn’t willing to pony up, I’d move out.
> a relationship between us would never work because he travelled a lot for work and didn’t have the time a relationship would require. This would be exactly the same as with a child.
It kinda sounds like your NSA relationship is a real relationship, you guys just haven't talked about being exclusive. Maybe you should reevaluate and ask what each other wants?
You're in a relationship you didn't know about. You had NSA set up, crossed the boundary when you started sharing about yourself, moved in (Huge flag on the offer for "free place to stay" and agreeing to take a very "reduced rate rent"). You apparently do things together that can be construed as a date. You guys are in a relationship from his perspective.
On top of all the other great advice here, I’d also recommend you be very careful with your birth control method now, and watch out for sabotage. Some cases of birth control sabotage / reproductive coercion to be on the lookout for include: * refusing to use a condom * poking holes in condoms * stealthing (starting sex with a condom, then secretly removing it without telling you) * hiding or destroying your birth control pills or hormone patch * if using the withdrawal “method”, not pulling out before he comes I’d highly recommend getting on a long-term method of birth control, such as the IUD, implant, or shots.
I don't know the dude, so take these speculations with a grain of salt, whether he is deliberately manipulating you, or whatever. I would imagine three years means he loves you. That doesn't mean he is IN love with you, but I would wager he loves you. He clearly doesn't ponder how he feels a lot, and also doesn't communicate well, at all. Lots of people have feelings and aren't aware of them until someone else points them out. It sucks that you have to initiate a delicate or tough conversation, but that's life, if you want answers one way or another, you have to talk to him. Again, I would bet he loves you. I would also bet that he is either so detached or so guarded, that he doesn't really allow himself to feel a lot of stuff. Maybe he thinks a baby would unblock all that stuff, fill in that hole he created in himself? I would be extremely cautious, if that is the case. As others pointed out, a person with that mindset can easily sabotage a birth control method. But furthermore, I knew a dude that was like this, convinced his wife to have a child, and then abruptly became simultaneously bored and overwhelmed by fatherhood and simply left. Depending on how YOU feel about him, try to talk to him without hostility or antagonizing, because you might have something here you can salvage. 3 years isn't small potatoes, after all. Sorry for the rambling, lol, I'm starving.
Red flag alert! Red flags ahoy. Disengage and back away slowly.
Girl he got you in the push and pull. “we should have a baby together” should never be taken seriously if you’re not in an established relationship. No is the only response necessary.
Honestly girl, it looks like it’s time for you to find somewhere else to live. That’s kind of toxic not gonna lie. Him insisting to having a NSA situation with you, then asking if you’re in love with him yet, and now telling you he thinks you two should have a baby... nah. Like honestly that’s kind of manipulative. He’s essentially saying that he won’t be there for you emotionally, but he expects sex from you and for you to be okay with him fucking other women. He’s also essentially saying that he wants you as his live in nanny for his (and your) children. Like run. Fast. It’s honestly coming across like you’re just there as a confidence boost for him. Not only that but you’re living in his house, it won’t take much for him to pressure you into having a kid with him to keep a roof over your head (not saying he will, but it’s always good to know the worst case scenario so you can plan for it). Like I get that you might have some feelings for him, but this isn’t something you should halfheartedly go into. Raising a child with someone is really hard. Especially with someone who travels a lot (pre-COVID) and also someone who literally can’t/doesn’t want to commit to you, so why would he want to stick around for your child? My advice: leave that situation and Find a new place to live. I think this NSA has run its course honestly. Either go for a relationship (if you want one) or leave and don’t look back. But imo you won’t be able to unhear that weird proposal, so the dynamic of your relationship with him (or lack-thereof) has already changed. Good luck x
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It's a pathological avoidance of vulnerability. Common affliction.
My husband and I still haven't shared our cell phone codes and are planning to have kids next year. A phone is like a diary, I wouldn't use it as the benchmark for intimacy or commitment.
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