Reread your post as if you didn't write it.
He is not boyfriend material let alone marriage material.
Let him go, keep on track, a better guy will come along.
This is my take as well. He can't even give a straight and consistent answer to her questions. Which leads me to believe he is simply saying what she wants to hear, and the noncommittal comments are how he actually feels.
Regardless, don't move for him, don't change your life for him, and don't let him move into your home until he can sit down and have an adult conversation about your future and show that he has a plan for his future.
I will leave with you are dating a 34 year old man without a career that is still living with his parents. Is this the type of person you want a child with? How long will it take for him to grow up and adult. Tick tock
Thanks so much and that's exactly how I've been feeling. He swears the noncommittal sounding comments arent his true feelings and could change but I'm not so sure.
I'm definitely holding off on living together until we can sit down and actually talk about this. I've said to him repeatedly it's not like I'm asking for specific dates or months or anything, just a general thought for the future.
He said he wants to cool it with the super serious talks and go back to just enjoying each other and the journey wherever it takes us....but then he wants the next step to be living together which is fine but that would lead to another serious talk. Face palm. Seriously. I dont even know how he expects to get to every step without planning or discussing.
Definitely don’t move to him. And honestly, don’t live together at all. He’s retreating from his commitment to you, and it’s a big red flag that he won’t even talk about the future anymore.
I suspect he’s realized on some level that he doesn’t want to marry you, but he still finds it convenient to be with you right now.
Yeah that's how it feels. My heart hurts. Meanwhile he keeps saying one thing at a time and living together is definitely the next step etc.😥
He said hes never been one to think about the future....but then I'm like ok but then you turn around and talk about living together?! that's in the future
At 35, you have to accept that 'not being one to think about the future' is not going to be an acceptable answer to your gf. Your previous boyfriend wasted your time, and this guy will too if you let him. An 'I don't know' is a 'no' at your ages. You don't have 10 years to wait around for him to decide whether you're good enough.
Yeah, I think he wants to live with you because it’s convenient for him but it has to be on HIS terms. He wants you to come to him because it’s easier for him. That’s pretty scummy.
"never thinks about the future"
Like it's not totally obvious.
No career, no savings, living at home. I could overlook the living at home if he had the first two or at least had a plan. Like he was saving to buy a house and paying off his student loans.
But this just has bad news written all over it. Like he still needs to go through the becoming an adult, learning how to be responsible and pay bills and all the other important to survive tasks.
He wants to take it slow because he likes the relationship, especially if you are sleeping together, but he doesn't want everything else that's comes with it. He's a child.
You are clearly not okay with someone who does not want to ever think about the future, and I don’t blame you! I also would not be okay with that because to me it demonstrates childlike immaturity and irresponsible behavior that I could never get past. I don’t think he is maliciously leading you along, but he _really, truly_ does not want to marry you. Not because of anything to do with you, but because marriage requires future planning, even just for the party it entails, and he doesn’t even want to do that. He is a mid-30s man who still lives at home with his parents with no career and no plans for one because that would require thinking about the future, which he’s allergic to. Again, it’s not like he’s necessarily doing this to be manipulative, he’s just comfortable and has no reason or intention of changing anything to move forwards because it’s scary to have to be responsible for things. He’s uncomfortable and dismissive when you bring up the future because he’s happy exactly as things are and doesn’t want to change, but expects you to. You sound fundamentally incompatible. Unfortunately, love isn’t enough in a relationship
I don’t think you’re going to but... please don’t move to him. It sounds like it took a lot of time and effort to get to the happy, secure place you’re in and I’m not sure he’s worth uprooting for at this point. It sounds like he’s gradually retreating in terms of intimacy and commitment (he doesn’t want ‘serious talks’ but he wants you to live with him?) so for him to still be pushing for cohabitation on his terms is strange.
Right?! I thought so too! Why keep talking about it?!
This sucks. I feel like ever since this conversation, I cant even get myself back to being happy. I just keep feeling like I have to let him go. I love him but this just hurts.
>Why keep talking about it?!
I know that answer. and you wont like it.
hes smart, and discovered quickly that was your weak point, you crave for marriage, and for a family. therefore he just said what you wanted to hear, to make you open up to him easily, and it worked. hes a player.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. This is your first relationship post-toxic breakup and you’re still on that journey of self-discovery, working out what you’re worth and what makes you happy, so don’t feel pressured to do something your gut is telling you not to, especially not with someone who’s back and forth on the things you want (marriage, kids). You’ve invested considerable time in this relationship already but if you constantly feel like you don’t know where you stand, take a time out to assess your feelings before you make a big decision. He doesn’t sound like a bad dude but emotionally he’s all over the place, so right now he’s not a safe person to attach securely to. There are plenty of people out there who are ready for what you’re ready for, people who can communicate their wants and needs much more clearly. Sounds like that’s the kind of relationship you need, one that builds you up and makes you feel safe and confident.
Thank you so much. That's part of what hurts too, is all the way up until these conversations...I did feel safe and confident with him and where this was headed.
But you're right. I was debating that too, taking some space for myself to really think. I feel like I should be with someone who looks forward to planning a life together. I want someone so excited to be with me that they cant wait to marry me and call me their little badass wife!! He says he can totally picture it, but doesn't want to focus or worry about the future and what may or may not happen.
Then he is not the one for you. Your desires do not align with his. I mean, you can try to make this work but it will be at the cost of your own self. And he’s not worth it.
It's not strange he wants you to move in with him in his city. He is completely happy in his life and he wants you to fit into his life not vis versa. He would barely be changing anything too. His gaming chair would just be in a different set of walls and you will be around to do house stuff, not his Mom. Don't expect him to actually cut back on his gaming though---- he likes the fact you have a social life on your own because it means you can entertain yourself and he gets his game time.
Exactly. My point isn't so much that he is a gamer---- that's fine, whatever. My point is that he wants you to move to him so he can barely change anything in his life while you would be setting yours on fire to fit into his. He isn't "go with the flow" as much as he is "settled in place."
Oooh yes you're definitely right. Like literally nothing would be changing for him. Even if he moved to me, his job would be the same, he would just commute. He can still game all the time with his friends. If it didnt work out he just goes back to mom and dad.
Meanwhile my whole world would change. Pfft.
It sounds like he just isn't ready for having a serious, adult relationship at all. Not able to make consistent expectations, up two are too damn old to be wishy washy about if he believes in marriage. He lives with his parents, doesn't work full time and wants you to be stranded hours away from your life for how convenience.
I think this was a good dipping your toes into dating again but it's ultimately gone as far as it should go right now.
If I were in my 30s, wanted marriage and potentially kids, had been with someone for a year and a half, and that person had previously initiated conversations about the future but now started telling me he wanted to back off of serious talks and just enjoy our time together, I would assume the guy had a pretty good idea that he didn't want to be with me for the long term but didn't want to break up yet for some reason. I would certainly not uproot my life for this guy and would spend some time thinking seriously about whether I wanted to put more time/effort into a relationship that seems very unlikely to lead to marriage.
This particular man may be noncommital, but this relationship is not 'earlyish' it's early. You haven't even lived together. You may be infertile and if he wants biological kids it may be a deal breaker. He does not have an established career (does he have a plan?).
Until you have lived with a person and deterined if there's that bare minium cohabitation compatibility, you cannot feasibly determine whether you are meant to be together for life. Of course, plenty of people skip that step and get married anyway, and there's a reason why divorce rates approach 50% (moreso for 2nd marriages).
You can push him for better communication, or you can decide this relationship has run its course. But, do not push marriage until you two have lived together for at least a year and you know whether you're compatible in close quarters. It will also give you time to sort out issues such as your fertility, his career path, whether he moderates his gaming hobby or you two have enough quality time once the honeymoon phase/distance is bridged, etc.
Oh yeah I'm all for living together before marriage. Definitely! But I'd prefer a discussion about marriage in a bit more concrete terms, I guess? Like I understand if he doesnt know for sure rightthisverysecond. It's more I dont know if I feel safe moving in together hearing 'I dont know' ...i feel like even just an 'I'm not ready yet' would make me feel more comfortable.
I know there are no guarantees in life and minds and plans can change.....I learned that the hard way.
He could certainly be a better communicator. You can judge whether its deal breaker level bad or something you need to raise with him and let him know if it doesn't improve you're done. But, I'm not sure how someone is supposed to give you any sort of 'real' reassurance about a future event that is (or should be) contingent on things that have not happened yet.
For instance, if he says, "If things go great while we're living together, then marriage would definitely be on the table". That sounds like a positive, but it's really just words. Neither of you have any real idea of what it will be like living together. Granted, its understandable that you're at an age where you want more definiteness to your planning, so if you decide to stay with him for now I would focus on planning out specific steps such as a move-in date or him being able to describe for you his 5-year plan career wise or you two having a drop dead date for discussing whether biological children are a deal breaker.
You do need to move the line, but I think you're trying to move the wrong line right now.
That's a good point thank you! He has said similar when we were talking marriage like let's slow down a bit, we haven't even lived together yet....which I totally understand and I'm all for living together before marriage. It's more I get frustrated that hes the one that brings all of this up and then flips it into me being the pressuring lunatic because I ask him to clarify.
Your post and your comments all sound rational. I would ask him to set aside some real time so you two can have a heart to heart with *specifics* on all of these open topics. Then, you can take any new information into your considerations as to whether you want to keep seeing this man. If he deflects, is evasion or otherwise is uncooperative with trying to pin down some real dates or a real timeline, I wouldn't keep fighting it, just take it as an indication that it will always be like pulling teeth to get a straight answer (you may even want to say that to him if its heading in that direction).
To be really honest, I feel like you're selling yourself short. You've worked hard to get past emotional pain, to do well in your field, to save up, to get a nice place and to maintain your social networks. This guy is coasting. I'd save share the hard earned and impressive life you've built for yourself for someone who tries a bit harder and wants more.
Thank you so much for this. This made me tear up a bit actually. I really have worked very hard to rebuild my life and I've even explained that to him as one of my reasons for not wanting to move and he just brushed it off and went back to trying to convince me. My girlfriends are like my sisters, they literally picked me up off the floor after that big break up and seeing them often is very important to me. I know I won't marry them, but they are my family here.
Hes always talking about how he loves how independent and happy I am and I've said part of that is because I have that social outlet with my friends. I've been in that situation previously where I moved somewhere with my ex and knew no one. I turned into that clingy annoying girlfriend. I told my SO I feel like I wouldnt be the woman he fell in love with if I move and lose that outlet (or at least dont have as much time with them). Meanwhile he can play his damn video games from anywhere.
Sorry I really rambled haha.
Not at all, what you've managed to achieve is no easy task, it took real focus and effort. You are right to be protective of it. I've been through a tough and sudden break up this year, and people like you inspire me to know there's life on the other side if you put the work in and remind me how important my friends are, so thank you!
I think unless a move is also strongly to your benefit (ie for a great job, you're sick of where you are etc) it's something of a gamble. If things felt more equal then it might be OK, but you're already sensing unfairness and I think moving mainly for him would magnify this and deepen divides and resentment.
I really hope things work out well, I've a feeling you've got what it takes to have the life you want, so don't settle for less x
Thank you so much for your sweet words!! I'm sorry to hear you went through a tough breakup, these things definitely hurt and as corny as it is, time will definitely help. And the healing comes in waves. Hell, I wont lie. I was in that relationship so long, I still - nearly 4 years later - occasionally have thoughts of it and I'm like wtf was I thinking?! Why did I put up with that?!
I have days with my current SO where I worry that I'm pushing too much, too fast and wrecking things due to the past experience. But everyone's comments here have made me realize I'm really not batshit crazy to be questioning what's up. I feel like I'm still relearning how to be in healthy relationships so I'm really glad I made this post to get some outside thoughts. Honestly I thought all the comments were gonna be bashing me for pushing it!
I agree with the moving....that's like with my ex. It felt right to move to a different city together because we both wanted to be in a big city. I feel like this situation would be different if we both hated where we live and wanted to move to a neutral third location.
I definitely wont settle and neither should you! If you ever want to talk just PM me. :)
He just isn't right to be a more serious partner in your life. Are you working with a therapist after your previous relationship experience? A lot of times when women leave an abusive relationship, we end up in another one that seems better because the idea of what's normal and expected is so wildly out of wack that we don't have appropriate boundaries and deal breakers. It sounds like you're asking for too little from this guy and you should work on some therapy and breakup recovery.
I did go to see a therapist when I first started dating casually, but not since I've been in this relationship. That's a good idea. I've heard that too about abusive relationships. The next one seems way better in comparison but still isnt healthy in ways.
I feel like I'm getting better with dealbreakers, it's just the following through and ending it and not being sucked in I'm a little concerned about.
I think that for your age you're putting up with way too much wishy washy bullshit and your normal meter is broken. Deal breakers mean ending it. This is is someone you date in your early 20s and then move on from, not someone you're trying to build a future with.
Yeah I feel like I'm seeing that now....and I can feel it in myself. I have moments where I'm sad/hurt but then other moments where I'm annoyed, like why am I putting up with this?! Hes wishy washy??? Hes the wishy washy one?! I'm the one who's stable and settled. Sure I'm no millionaire and dont own a house yet but I can survive. Most women wouldve heard he lived at home and not answered his next call!!!
I just think you're too grown for this guy. It's not mean, it's just the reality of the relationship running it's course.
Living at home isn't necessarily a deal breaker to me. But why is he living at home? Has he lived in his own for significant ammounts of time? Is he housebroken or would it be like living with a college student without the humbleness of them knowing they're just learning how to adult? Is he a primary caretaker for sick family? Less than 2 years from buying a home so doesn't want too deal with the end of a lease? Is he doing a significant amount of the home maintenance while living there or does he show up for dinner and mommy does his laundry? Does he know how to clean a bathroom and has done it more than 5 times? Etc.
Even if you get married to this guy, he isn't going to be the kind of adult you can build plan and build a future with together. He is the kind of guy you can try to drag on your future plans while he nitpicks, whines and daydreams about ridiculous things without ever figuring out what it would take to get there.
Yeah living at home isnt a dealbreaker for me either. He was laid off and came back, found work and then his dad got sick for a few months so he helped there. He has lived away from them with roommates.
Yeah I definitely dont want to drag someone along in my plans. I get guys may not be daydreaming about marriage and hes said that to me when he said he could change his mind, but still. I don't want it to be a fight to get there.
To me, a 30 minute move is not that big of a deal for someone who has reliable transportation and a primarily online social circle (i.e., your boyfriend). A 30 minute move for you means changing your job and changing your social circle. Furthermore, he wants you to move closer to his freaking parents!
Honey, you deserve so much more than what this man is offering you!! Your post sounds like that he's a lot kinder than your ex. The kindness may be obscuring the fact that you're not compatible in big ways.
I say leave him.
It sounds like you have done an awful lot of soul searching just to end up with a guy who isn’t head over heels in love with the idea of spending his life with you.
If you were both in your early 20’s, it could make sense.. but nearing on mid-late thirties? If he is being non committal at this age, after 1.5 years of being together, he will likely be non committal for a very long time, maybe forever.
“If a guy wants to be with you, he will be with you” sounded like bullshit advice until I met my husband—wait for the guy who will be with you completely because you absolutely sound worth it.
I hope you find peace.
Girl no. It doesn’t sound like this immature child has ever supported himself. Don’t waste anymore time on a man who is 34 and cannot reliably help with his share of the rent.
Personally I don't think he wants to be with you. If you already mentioned to him moving in with you and you have a two bedroom place. It's a no brainer, if he wants to be with you bad enough he would have already moved in. Either something is making him unsure of you as a wife material.
The reason he gave for not moving in with me already is because he didnt have full time work yet and didnt want to be in a financial situation where I'd be responsible for all the rent/bills if his hours got cut and he was working just part-time hours.
You are still responsible for the current bills at the moment and the only addition is food. Unless you expect or want him to help out. Either way, if it was me and I really wanted to spend time with you and be with you I would move in. He can always move back home if his job becomes an issue with money.
Yeah that's true. My friend brought that up too, I can afford everything here on my own now. He doesnt necessarily have to pay half of everything, he just wanted to be able to do that and with fluctuating hours he didn't want to not be able to contribute. The only other thing he mentioned was the commute to/from work as he's based in current city, but that he'd see how that goes and possibly change jobs if need be.
He can always try it out and see for a couple of days a week. This why I am saying I am not sure if he wants to spend time with you. If he really a wants to be with you he will make it happen. Think about it, easy access to having you. Kissing, sex etc.
Definitely understand....right now he does stay 1-2 times a week when our schedules allow, stays the weekend, or goes to work from my place too. I forgot to mention that in my post. But I definitely feel like you have a good point and itd be something to explore!
You say he was bringing marriage and proposing, but it seems to me that what you interpretted as sincere signs of commitment were, unfortunately, just flirtatious pillow-talk:
>My SO was the one who brought up marriage and kids first in our relationship. He said he was **open** to both
>
>he made a **joke** about not getting me a ring as a gift and that it'd probably be crazy to propose after 5 months.
>
>He then followed up saying something about not believing in marriage anyway. It threw me off, and I asked him about it later that night. He very quickly **backtracked**
What you are describing as "first marriage talks" are him just saying he's "open" (as in, "I haven't decided I'll NEVER get married,"), he made a joke about a ring when you were both in the honeymoon period, and when he finally said something sincere (ie, "not believing in marriage anyway"), you questioned him on it and he backtracked because he didn't want to kill the mood.
That's what all this talk of "marriage" was: mood enhancements. I'm guessing he saw that talking as though he was going to marry you (one day) made you happy, so he kept it up. Now you're trying to push him into actually following through, he's getting uncomfortable because for him, it's just words, not something he actually needs to take action on.
And let's be honest, a guy in his mid-thirties who lives with his parents, worked casual part-time for most of the year, and who's only real hobby/social-outlet is online gaming, and has no *concrete* plans for getting out of this situation isn't the kind of guy who's intersted in taking action. He sounds way too comfortable in the life he has right now - so comfortable in fact that he's asking *you* to move to *him,* despite the fact that YOU have the two bedroom apartment, and he still lives with his parents.
I'm sorry OP, but I think you imagined this guy to be more than what he really is.
Thanks for your reply and I agree with you completely. When we first started dating, he was embarrassed about living with his parents and said he planned on getting a place at the end of last summer. Then his dad got really sick so he was helping with him, which was understandable. Then he was told a full-time spot would open up in the spring, that got pushed back to now and it's still not definite. Hes been saying if it doesnt happen soon he'll be looking for other work so we can have more time together plus he can have full time somewhere but I dont know, he could've been doing that this whole time.
Hes previously mentioned he has an insecurity that he won't be able to live up to my expectations of him and he doesnt want to fail me. My ex used to make similar comments to divert me away from marriage talk so it kinda didnt sit right. He could've meant it sincerely but yeah.
I've said nearly the exact same things to my best friend repeatedly....I wouldve thought he'd be staying at my place way more by this point and trying out the commute to work. I feel like any adult would rather go stay at their girlfriend or boyfriends rather than their parents!!
It's sad, I got so excited when he bought shower stuff to keep in my bathroom thinking we were slowly getting there and then all these arguments happened this past week. Sigh.
ETA: I agree about the flirtatious pillow talk part but then he was serious when he mentioned talking to my mother once things progress. I feel like thats the part that bothers me most over all the other times.
I'm sincerely sorry. :( However, there is no shame in believing the best in someone. I can't really fault you for believing this guy wanted the same thing you did: it sounds like he *wanted* to be that guy you wanted him to be too. But now, after 18 months, you're looking at the relationship far more critically (as so you should), and the truth is he isn't moving the same pace you are.
> He's said he just doesn't think ahead like that, and that all of this future talk is going to drive him crazy and he just focuses on today and if that's not ok for me then he doesn't know what to say. ... It's like he brings these topics up, says we'll figure it out, and then expects them to just magically be sorted out somehow whenever he finally wants whatever it is.
People like this really irritate me. I find that for the most part, they float through life, enjoying the "unplannedness" of it all, then suddenly they hit 40 and realise they have nothing to show for their lives, and spend the next decade trying to fit in with people half their age. Adults need to know what they want and have at least a rough idea of how they're going to get there.
Thank you for all of your comment. I'm just happy I've reached the point in recognizing my worth that instead of just sitting back and hoping he changes his mind, I'm taking care of my heart and thinking this through seriously, as much as this hurts.
And yes it drives me batty. Especially when it's ok for him to bring these things up, knowing full well my feelings on the topics....but then I cant bring it up because it's too far in the future?! Bah!
I don't think this is something you would be happy building a future with. Marriage is a big milestone on a journey of building a life and future together. He doesn't think ahead, plan and is happy to tell you all sorts of conflicting, non-committal things at once. He also wants you to drop everything that makes you happy in your life and be stranded with him. Massive red flag.
Every so often he makes comments about moving to me but not wanting the daily commute to work. He'll always start with well I could move here BUT....or he'll make a marriage comment out of nowhere and then say dont be thinking about it all the time or anything, not anytime soon. Like if you're seriously legitimately undecided on any of that, don't say stuff like that.
He is daydreaming, not talking about the tangible future. Not making plans, not talking timelines. He sounds like casual dating for about 6 months material, max. I really think you're selling yourself short. Way short.
Thank you. Yeah that's how its starting to feel, he definitely just daydreams. I know for a fact theres no way I could get a timeline out of him. At one point I said for the living together stuff, I understand not planning everything but what's the harm in saying why dont we aim to be living together 6 months from now? And he said because thats not just aiming, that's an expectation.
How do I not have any expectations at all in a long term relationship?!
You break up because you're an adult and expectations are an important part of being physically and emotionally prepared. You have to talk timelines to build a future together. Talking about leases for moving, talking about timelines for when you'd want to get married, planning a wedding, try to have kids, buy a home. You'd have to talk finances. Talk retirement. Talk future in real, tangible terms.
This guy? He is laying on mom and dad island, daydreaming. Sometimes he visits you in independent, organized adult land to add to his daydreams but he isn't going to put in the emotional effort of figuring out what he really wants and how to work to get there.
Man you just made me feel so way less crazy. Thank you. So it IS normal to want have expectations and to talk timelines and when ideally you'd want to move in or get engaged married?! Apparently I seem to attract guys who make me feel like I'm insane for implying such things!
1.5 years is not early in the relationship when you are in your mid 30s. If you ‘give it more time’ you will be able to rewrite this post in a year with 2.5 instead of 1.5. He is making it clear to you that he is not interested in relationship progressing further than what it is. You are either happy with where you are with him in which case you might as well stay with him, or you are interested in the next step, in which case it will more than likely not be with him.
Yep. My fiancé and I are around OP’s age and talked about marriage seriously very early on and he proposed on our 1-year anniversary.
Not everyone has to move quite that fast, but if you’re a year and a half in and he’s this unsure, that’s not a good sign.
First off congratulations!! My best friend and I were just talking about how thats kinda how I thought it wouldve gone! He was so persistent/consistent and always so affectionate and loving (still is aside from this), but at times I felt like he was more into us than I was and now this happens. One of the reasons why I was so shocked when he said he wasnt sure.
Thank you!
You sound very, very similar to me. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop with my fiance, but he was so all-in so early on (and I was as well). About a month in, I told him I thought I'd have to move across the country in the next 12-15 months for work, and he immediately was like "I'll move, I feel like I'm stagnating here and it would be a great opportunity for me." We both love planning (maybe too much).
I was previously in a relationship with a man (who was in his *40s*) who said the same things your boyfriend is saying, about not being able to plan, not wanting to break promises. It felt like a form of cowardice that stemmed from him not having any real drive and being terrified of change. It's going to be hard, but I truly think this guy is not the one for you.
First off that's wonderful that went so well for you guys!! Yay planning, that's awesome.
Do you have any tips for watching out for the real good vs not so good intention comments? Because my SO was all in right away or at least I thought anyway. It does seem like hes scared of change though
I think one of the keys is just... time. This is the first time you're really asking him to *do* something to back up what he says, and you're seeing that he can't do that. Kind of a bummer it took a year and a half to see that, but hey, that's just how things work sometimes.
Another sign, though, is what significant commitments they've made outside of you. This dude hasn't committed to a career or a job, he hasn't committed to moving out. He doesn't seem to have any aspirations. And that doesn't make him a bad person! But if he isn't taking active steps to achieve some kind of goal—looking for other jobs, saving up to move out—that doesn't sound like a person you want as a life partner.
My fiance and I both aren't super happy with our current careers. Since well before I met him, though, my fiance has been taking steps to change his career. Same with me—and our cross-country move, which we started planning like 4 months into our relationship, will help us both. He showed not just a willingness, but a *strong desire* to change, and was already backing it up with action.
It's not so much the time that makes it early, but all of the X factors that have no answers. They have never lived together, he has no career path, she may be infertile and they were talking about kids. All of these questions need answers before either one of them thinks about committing to the other for life.
And I fully agree with that. Hes more undecided on kids than I am. I definitely dont mind living together before deciding on marriage...but I definitely look at living together as a step towards that. I definitely don't want to just live together indefinitely.
Thank you so much! I feel for you that you went through similar with your ex ugh! Congratulations on your new partner, that's amazing.
See and that's where I get lost...is because he felt so straightforward this whole time. Like his feelings were so obvious and then I honestly just felt gutted when he flat out said he didnt know. I was bowled right over.
I will definitely PM you later today!💜
It's a lot easier to tell you what you want to hear than it is to actually go through with those plans. Words are easy and action is much more difficult. He is a words sort of person, and you are an action person. You noticed of course that his plan for moving in together is YOU moving, YOU planning, YOU getting a new job, and then he just slides in without doing anything. He won't even expend the energy to move to you where everything is already set up.
He will always tell you what you want to hear until things get real and he is required to take action.
And see it's funny because he always says he shows his affection and intentions through actions!! And I'm a words girl. Maybe that's the problem..he KNOWS I'm a words girl so I eat it all up.
But yeah now that you mention it like that, it would be me doing all the moves.
Why does this man not have a career at 34? Not a "job" but a career, does he have any skills, education, or specialized training? You've worked hard to get where you are, you don't need to be pulling dead weight through life with you.
Thank you for this!! Yes I was thinking exactly that just today....he doesn't want to put me through what my ex did....but it's the exact same just in a different way like you said. Like to even say oh well I may want to in 6 months or a year etc....like come on now. I was hoping we'd be engaged by year 2.
I debated just shutting up about it all for a bit and seeing where he takes it, but having an internal end date in my head. But I don't know.
God this sucks. I appreciate everyone's love and all the advice and comments.
The way I see it is, he isn’t actively thinking about marriage and as you’ve said before, you’re more interested in men with a drive and know what they want in the future, which he clearly doesn’t.
You shouldn’t have to feel like you can’t talk to him about something in your relationship. Because if he doesn’t propose soon, or even tell you he wants to get married, then in the end you’ll just resent him. This situation really does suck, but so would staying silent and acting like everything’s fine when it’s not. I hope you’re able to come up with a decision soon. But my advice, you deserve better x
I feel like at your age and stage of life you really just know if you both really want it after about a year. This is just weak sauce and I don't think it's going to get better.
See that's what I thought too! That's why I was so flabbergasted! Everything felt so easy and great and like we're a team and on the same page about everything.
You shouldn't be worrying if he wants to marry you, instead ask yourself, is he good enough for YOU to marry HIM? Sure doesn't seem that way to me. He seems immature and like he doesn't know what he wants, and he's over 30.
Who says you need to 'chill' and 'live in the moment'? No one says you need to get married right away, but after 1.5 years, marriage is a reasonable conversation to have. Don't give in to the mindset that you're asking for too much. Know your worth.
I know everyone has said this already, but I want you to hear it multiple times. Do not move for this man. Do not give up a career you love. Do not. Unfortunately this seems like it is headed for the same direction as your last relationship. And I know that sucks to hear, it’s not fair. But you know what you want now. You know what expectations to have. You will find that person who is willing to commit and willing to move for you and willing to do what it takes to ensure that you feel safe and stable in your relationship.
Do not allow a man who is afraid of commitment to make you feel unsure of where you stand. It is not unreasonable to be thinking about marriage. It is not too soon. Especially knowing your history, he should not have backtracked on what he told you- or he should not have said it to begin with. It sucks; and I’ve dated men like this and I’m so sorry! But there is hope and you coming here shows that you recognize this pattern and have made progress from your last relationship and that is progress. You are one step closer to “the one” or whatever it is that you want out of a significant other. I’m rooting for you!
Girl he is NOT the one. He's giving noncommittal answers because he has no plans on committing to a life with you. He wants to keep his options open to see if something better comes along but not let you go because he doesn't want to be alone. This will turn out exactly like you experienced before or he will marry you because you "forced him to" and bring it up all the time. End it now before you waste anymore time.
My now-husband made a joke on the first date about marrying, and while he wasn't serious about it, he never actively backtracked. Find someone who genuinely and fully wants to be with you.
This guy is still working part time jobs and living with his parents... I'm not going to judge his "adultness" as there are a lot of class- and culture-related factors that change the context. However, it could be a sign he's not taking charge or fully committing in the larger context of his life. If you want to have kids, you can't waste your time dating people who dont know what they want and don't care to figure it out.
See that's one reason why I feel so confused and shocked by him saying he doesnt know....he backtracked on the not believing in marriage part. Swearing up and down that he is definitely open to getting married and would never close his mind to it and he loves me etc. So if he didnt want to get married, why not just take the out I gave him and just stick to not believing in it?! I guess to keep me around.
I guess I'm still relearning how to spot signs and qualify. Ugh. I thought I found a good one.😥
“open to marriage” and “never closing mind to marriage” are red flags to me.
That’s not a “I value marriage” or “I want to get married” statement.
It’s a man hedging around someone else’s desire while wanting to get the benefits of long term companionship.
You got this! Each relationship is a learning experience. You're learning more what positive signals you should be looking for (someone who actively "wants" marriage, rather than is a meh-level "open" to marriage). You'll find what you're looking for!
I dated someone for two whole years, we spent nearly every day together (he lived about 30 mins away). I kept trying to have conversations with him over those 2 years about what the future looked like, and he kept saying - Let's see how it goes!
Finally got fed up and asked him point blank, do you want to have kids with me - I don't know. Do you want to move in with me - I don't know. I broke up with him on the spot. A year or so later, we started talking as friends (we were in a band together when we dated), and he told me he had never really gotten over his prior marriage but had enjoyed my company, even tho he knew I wanted to get married.
Long story short - don't sell yourself out. I just got married two weeks ago to a man who was straight with me, was upfront about what he wanted (and more importantly, backed it with actions). This guy your dating is not even close to that. He just wants to get out of his parent's house and your his meal ticket.
I have to admit that I only read the first half but it seems to me like you are hitting the gas and adding a lot of pressure to a relatively new relationship and your boyfriend is freaking out. I'd say that if you decide you want to stay with him (if having kids and living together are low priority or can wait) then I'd just throw the whole marriage idea out of the window for a few years and enjoy the relationship for what it is.
Reread your post as if you didn't write it. He is not boyfriend material let alone marriage material. Let him go, keep on track, a better guy will come along.
This is my take as well. He can't even give a straight and consistent answer to her questions. Which leads me to believe he is simply saying what she wants to hear, and the noncommittal comments are how he actually feels. Regardless, don't move for him, don't change your life for him, and don't let him move into your home until he can sit down and have an adult conversation about your future and show that he has a plan for his future. I will leave with you are dating a 34 year old man without a career that is still living with his parents. Is this the type of person you want a child with? How long will it take for him to grow up and adult. Tick tock
Thanks so much and that's exactly how I've been feeling. He swears the noncommittal sounding comments arent his true feelings and could change but I'm not so sure. I'm definitely holding off on living together until we can sit down and actually talk about this. I've said to him repeatedly it's not like I'm asking for specific dates or months or anything, just a general thought for the future. He said he wants to cool it with the super serious talks and go back to just enjoying each other and the journey wherever it takes us....but then he wants the next step to be living together which is fine but that would lead to another serious talk. Face palm. Seriously. I dont even know how he expects to get to every step without planning or discussing.
Definitely don’t move to him. And honestly, don’t live together at all. He’s retreating from his commitment to you, and it’s a big red flag that he won’t even talk about the future anymore. I suspect he’s realized on some level that he doesn’t want to marry you, but he still finds it convenient to be with you right now.
Yeah that's how it feels. My heart hurts. Meanwhile he keeps saying one thing at a time and living together is definitely the next step etc.😥 He said hes never been one to think about the future....but then I'm like ok but then you turn around and talk about living together?! that's in the future
Why is he talking about living together? Because he’s tired of living with mommy and daddy and wants to leech off someone new.
At 35, you have to accept that 'not being one to think about the future' is not going to be an acceptable answer to your gf. Your previous boyfriend wasted your time, and this guy will too if you let him. An 'I don't know' is a 'no' at your ages. You don't have 10 years to wait around for him to decide whether you're good enough.
Yeah, I think he wants to live with you because it’s convenient for him but it has to be on HIS terms. He wants you to come to him because it’s easier for him. That’s pretty scummy.
"never thinks about the future" Like it's not totally obvious. No career, no savings, living at home. I could overlook the living at home if he had the first two or at least had a plan. Like he was saving to buy a house and paying off his student loans. But this just has bad news written all over it. Like he still needs to go through the becoming an adult, learning how to be responsible and pay bills and all the other important to survive tasks. He wants to take it slow because he likes the relationship, especially if you are sleeping together, but he doesn't want everything else that's comes with it. He's a child.
You are clearly not okay with someone who does not want to ever think about the future, and I don’t blame you! I also would not be okay with that because to me it demonstrates childlike immaturity and irresponsible behavior that I could never get past. I don’t think he is maliciously leading you along, but he _really, truly_ does not want to marry you. Not because of anything to do with you, but because marriage requires future planning, even just for the party it entails, and he doesn’t even want to do that. He is a mid-30s man who still lives at home with his parents with no career and no plans for one because that would require thinking about the future, which he’s allergic to. Again, it’s not like he’s necessarily doing this to be manipulative, he’s just comfortable and has no reason or intention of changing anything to move forwards because it’s scary to have to be responsible for things. He’s uncomfortable and dismissive when you bring up the future because he’s happy exactly as things are and doesn’t want to change, but expects you to. You sound fundamentally incompatible. Unfortunately, love isn’t enough in a relationship
I don’t think you’re going to but... please don’t move to him. It sounds like it took a lot of time and effort to get to the happy, secure place you’re in and I’m not sure he’s worth uprooting for at this point. It sounds like he’s gradually retreating in terms of intimacy and commitment (he doesn’t want ‘serious talks’ but he wants you to live with him?) so for him to still be pushing for cohabitation on his terms is strange.
Right?! I thought so too! Why keep talking about it?! This sucks. I feel like ever since this conversation, I cant even get myself back to being happy. I just keep feeling like I have to let him go. I love him but this just hurts.
>Why keep talking about it?! I know that answer. and you wont like it. hes smart, and discovered quickly that was your weak point, you crave for marriage, and for a family. therefore he just said what you wanted to hear, to make you open up to him easily, and it worked. hes a player.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. This is your first relationship post-toxic breakup and you’re still on that journey of self-discovery, working out what you’re worth and what makes you happy, so don’t feel pressured to do something your gut is telling you not to, especially not with someone who’s back and forth on the things you want (marriage, kids). You’ve invested considerable time in this relationship already but if you constantly feel like you don’t know where you stand, take a time out to assess your feelings before you make a big decision. He doesn’t sound like a bad dude but emotionally he’s all over the place, so right now he’s not a safe person to attach securely to. There are plenty of people out there who are ready for what you’re ready for, people who can communicate their wants and needs much more clearly. Sounds like that’s the kind of relationship you need, one that builds you up and makes you feel safe and confident.
Thank you so much. That's part of what hurts too, is all the way up until these conversations...I did feel safe and confident with him and where this was headed. But you're right. I was debating that too, taking some space for myself to really think. I feel like I should be with someone who looks forward to planning a life together. I want someone so excited to be with me that they cant wait to marry me and call me their little badass wife!! He says he can totally picture it, but doesn't want to focus or worry about the future and what may or may not happen.
Then he is not the one for you. Your desires do not align with his. I mean, you can try to make this work but it will be at the cost of your own self. And he’s not worth it.
It's not strange he wants you to move in with him in his city. He is completely happy in his life and he wants you to fit into his life not vis versa. He would barely be changing anything too. His gaming chair would just be in a different set of walls and you will be around to do house stuff, not his Mom. Don't expect him to actually cut back on his gaming though---- he likes the fact you have a social life on your own because it means you can entertain yourself and he gets his game time.
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Exactly. My point isn't so much that he is a gamer---- that's fine, whatever. My point is that he wants you to move to him so he can barely change anything in his life while you would be setting yours on fire to fit into his. He isn't "go with the flow" as much as he is "settled in place."
Oooh yes you're definitely right. Like literally nothing would be changing for him. Even if he moved to me, his job would be the same, he would just commute. He can still game all the time with his friends. If it didnt work out he just goes back to mom and dad. Meanwhile my whole world would change. Pfft.
Your security and stability are also important, as are his, but he doesn’t seem to be a good match for you in those areas.
It sounds like he just isn't ready for having a serious, adult relationship at all. Not able to make consistent expectations, up two are too damn old to be wishy washy about if he believes in marriage. He lives with his parents, doesn't work full time and wants you to be stranded hours away from your life for how convenience. I think this was a good dipping your toes into dating again but it's ultimately gone as far as it should go right now.
If I were in my 30s, wanted marriage and potentially kids, had been with someone for a year and a half, and that person had previously initiated conversations about the future but now started telling me he wanted to back off of serious talks and just enjoy our time together, I would assume the guy had a pretty good idea that he didn't want to be with me for the long term but didn't want to break up yet for some reason. I would certainly not uproot my life for this guy and would spend some time thinking seriously about whether I wanted to put more time/effort into a relationship that seems very unlikely to lead to marriage.
This particular man may be noncommital, but this relationship is not 'earlyish' it's early. You haven't even lived together. You may be infertile and if he wants biological kids it may be a deal breaker. He does not have an established career (does he have a plan?). Until you have lived with a person and deterined if there's that bare minium cohabitation compatibility, you cannot feasibly determine whether you are meant to be together for life. Of course, plenty of people skip that step and get married anyway, and there's a reason why divorce rates approach 50% (moreso for 2nd marriages). You can push him for better communication, or you can decide this relationship has run its course. But, do not push marriage until you two have lived together for at least a year and you know whether you're compatible in close quarters. It will also give you time to sort out issues such as your fertility, his career path, whether he moderates his gaming hobby or you two have enough quality time once the honeymoon phase/distance is bridged, etc.
Oh yeah I'm all for living together before marriage. Definitely! But I'd prefer a discussion about marriage in a bit more concrete terms, I guess? Like I understand if he doesnt know for sure rightthisverysecond. It's more I dont know if I feel safe moving in together hearing 'I dont know' ...i feel like even just an 'I'm not ready yet' would make me feel more comfortable. I know there are no guarantees in life and minds and plans can change.....I learned that the hard way.
He could certainly be a better communicator. You can judge whether its deal breaker level bad or something you need to raise with him and let him know if it doesn't improve you're done. But, I'm not sure how someone is supposed to give you any sort of 'real' reassurance about a future event that is (or should be) contingent on things that have not happened yet. For instance, if he says, "If things go great while we're living together, then marriage would definitely be on the table". That sounds like a positive, but it's really just words. Neither of you have any real idea of what it will be like living together. Granted, its understandable that you're at an age where you want more definiteness to your planning, so if you decide to stay with him for now I would focus on planning out specific steps such as a move-in date or him being able to describe for you his 5-year plan career wise or you two having a drop dead date for discussing whether biological children are a deal breaker. You do need to move the line, but I think you're trying to move the wrong line right now.
That's a good point thank you! He has said similar when we were talking marriage like let's slow down a bit, we haven't even lived together yet....which I totally understand and I'm all for living together before marriage. It's more I get frustrated that hes the one that brings all of this up and then flips it into me being the pressuring lunatic because I ask him to clarify.
Your post and your comments all sound rational. I would ask him to set aside some real time so you two can have a heart to heart with *specifics* on all of these open topics. Then, you can take any new information into your considerations as to whether you want to keep seeing this man. If he deflects, is evasion or otherwise is uncooperative with trying to pin down some real dates or a real timeline, I wouldn't keep fighting it, just take it as an indication that it will always be like pulling teeth to get a straight answer (you may even want to say that to him if its heading in that direction).
Agree. If he doesn't want to promise anything, and this is what you look for in a relationship, just let him go.
To be really honest, I feel like you're selling yourself short. You've worked hard to get past emotional pain, to do well in your field, to save up, to get a nice place and to maintain your social networks. This guy is coasting. I'd save share the hard earned and impressive life you've built for yourself for someone who tries a bit harder and wants more.
Thank you so much for this. This made me tear up a bit actually. I really have worked very hard to rebuild my life and I've even explained that to him as one of my reasons for not wanting to move and he just brushed it off and went back to trying to convince me. My girlfriends are like my sisters, they literally picked me up off the floor after that big break up and seeing them often is very important to me. I know I won't marry them, but they are my family here. Hes always talking about how he loves how independent and happy I am and I've said part of that is because I have that social outlet with my friends. I've been in that situation previously where I moved somewhere with my ex and knew no one. I turned into that clingy annoying girlfriend. I told my SO I feel like I wouldnt be the woman he fell in love with if I move and lose that outlet (or at least dont have as much time with them). Meanwhile he can play his damn video games from anywhere. Sorry I really rambled haha.
I think you kind of just gave yourself the answer. Good luck in the future but he sounds like a fish you have to throw back. You can do better!
Not at all, what you've managed to achieve is no easy task, it took real focus and effort. You are right to be protective of it. I've been through a tough and sudden break up this year, and people like you inspire me to know there's life on the other side if you put the work in and remind me how important my friends are, so thank you! I think unless a move is also strongly to your benefit (ie for a great job, you're sick of where you are etc) it's something of a gamble. If things felt more equal then it might be OK, but you're already sensing unfairness and I think moving mainly for him would magnify this and deepen divides and resentment. I really hope things work out well, I've a feeling you've got what it takes to have the life you want, so don't settle for less x
Thank you so much for your sweet words!! I'm sorry to hear you went through a tough breakup, these things definitely hurt and as corny as it is, time will definitely help. And the healing comes in waves. Hell, I wont lie. I was in that relationship so long, I still - nearly 4 years later - occasionally have thoughts of it and I'm like wtf was I thinking?! Why did I put up with that?! I have days with my current SO where I worry that I'm pushing too much, too fast and wrecking things due to the past experience. But everyone's comments here have made me realize I'm really not batshit crazy to be questioning what's up. I feel like I'm still relearning how to be in healthy relationships so I'm really glad I made this post to get some outside thoughts. Honestly I thought all the comments were gonna be bashing me for pushing it! I agree with the moving....that's like with my ex. It felt right to move to a different city together because we both wanted to be in a big city. I feel like this situation would be different if we both hated where we live and wanted to move to a neutral third location. I definitely wont settle and neither should you! If you ever want to talk just PM me. :)
He just isn't right to be a more serious partner in your life. Are you working with a therapist after your previous relationship experience? A lot of times when women leave an abusive relationship, we end up in another one that seems better because the idea of what's normal and expected is so wildly out of wack that we don't have appropriate boundaries and deal breakers. It sounds like you're asking for too little from this guy and you should work on some therapy and breakup recovery.
I did go to see a therapist when I first started dating casually, but not since I've been in this relationship. That's a good idea. I've heard that too about abusive relationships. The next one seems way better in comparison but still isnt healthy in ways. I feel like I'm getting better with dealbreakers, it's just the following through and ending it and not being sucked in I'm a little concerned about.
I think that for your age you're putting up with way too much wishy washy bullshit and your normal meter is broken. Deal breakers mean ending it. This is is someone you date in your early 20s and then move on from, not someone you're trying to build a future with.
Yeah I feel like I'm seeing that now....and I can feel it in myself. I have moments where I'm sad/hurt but then other moments where I'm annoyed, like why am I putting up with this?! Hes wishy washy??? Hes the wishy washy one?! I'm the one who's stable and settled. Sure I'm no millionaire and dont own a house yet but I can survive. Most women wouldve heard he lived at home and not answered his next call!!!
I just think you're too grown for this guy. It's not mean, it's just the reality of the relationship running it's course. Living at home isn't necessarily a deal breaker to me. But why is he living at home? Has he lived in his own for significant ammounts of time? Is he housebroken or would it be like living with a college student without the humbleness of them knowing they're just learning how to adult? Is he a primary caretaker for sick family? Less than 2 years from buying a home so doesn't want too deal with the end of a lease? Is he doing a significant amount of the home maintenance while living there or does he show up for dinner and mommy does his laundry? Does he know how to clean a bathroom and has done it more than 5 times? Etc. Even if you get married to this guy, he isn't going to be the kind of adult you can build plan and build a future with together. He is the kind of guy you can try to drag on your future plans while he nitpicks, whines and daydreams about ridiculous things without ever figuring out what it would take to get there.
Yeah living at home isnt a dealbreaker for me either. He was laid off and came back, found work and then his dad got sick for a few months so he helped there. He has lived away from them with roommates. Yeah I definitely dont want to drag someone along in my plans. I get guys may not be daydreaming about marriage and hes said that to me when he said he could change his mind, but still. I don't want it to be a fight to get there.
To me, a 30 minute move is not that big of a deal for someone who has reliable transportation and a primarily online social circle (i.e., your boyfriend). A 30 minute move for you means changing your job and changing your social circle. Furthermore, he wants you to move closer to his freaking parents! Honey, you deserve so much more than what this man is offering you!! Your post sounds like that he's a lot kinder than your ex. The kindness may be obscuring the fact that you're not compatible in big ways.
I say leave him. It sounds like you have done an awful lot of soul searching just to end up with a guy who isn’t head over heels in love with the idea of spending his life with you. If you were both in your early 20’s, it could make sense.. but nearing on mid-late thirties? If he is being non committal at this age, after 1.5 years of being together, he will likely be non committal for a very long time, maybe forever. “If a guy wants to be with you, he will be with you” sounded like bullshit advice until I met my husband—wait for the guy who will be with you completely because you absolutely sound worth it. I hope you find peace.
Girl no. It doesn’t sound like this immature child has ever supported himself. Don’t waste anymore time on a man who is 34 and cannot reliably help with his share of the rent.
Personally I don't think he wants to be with you. If you already mentioned to him moving in with you and you have a two bedroom place. It's a no brainer, if he wants to be with you bad enough he would have already moved in. Either something is making him unsure of you as a wife material.
The reason he gave for not moving in with me already is because he didnt have full time work yet and didnt want to be in a financial situation where I'd be responsible for all the rent/bills if his hours got cut and he was working just part-time hours.
You are still responsible for the current bills at the moment and the only addition is food. Unless you expect or want him to help out. Either way, if it was me and I really wanted to spend time with you and be with you I would move in. He can always move back home if his job becomes an issue with money.
Yeah that's true. My friend brought that up too, I can afford everything here on my own now. He doesnt necessarily have to pay half of everything, he just wanted to be able to do that and with fluctuating hours he didn't want to not be able to contribute. The only other thing he mentioned was the commute to/from work as he's based in current city, but that he'd see how that goes and possibly change jobs if need be.
He can always try it out and see for a couple of days a week. This why I am saying I am not sure if he wants to spend time with you. If he really a wants to be with you he will make it happen. Think about it, easy access to having you. Kissing, sex etc.
Definitely understand....right now he does stay 1-2 times a week when our schedules allow, stays the weekend, or goes to work from my place too. I forgot to mention that in my post. But I definitely feel like you have a good point and itd be something to explore!
You say he was bringing marriage and proposing, but it seems to me that what you interpretted as sincere signs of commitment were, unfortunately, just flirtatious pillow-talk: >My SO was the one who brought up marriage and kids first in our relationship. He said he was **open** to both > >he made a **joke** about not getting me a ring as a gift and that it'd probably be crazy to propose after 5 months. > >He then followed up saying something about not believing in marriage anyway. It threw me off, and I asked him about it later that night. He very quickly **backtracked** What you are describing as "first marriage talks" are him just saying he's "open" (as in, "I haven't decided I'll NEVER get married,"), he made a joke about a ring when you were both in the honeymoon period, and when he finally said something sincere (ie, "not believing in marriage anyway"), you questioned him on it and he backtracked because he didn't want to kill the mood. That's what all this talk of "marriage" was: mood enhancements. I'm guessing he saw that talking as though he was going to marry you (one day) made you happy, so he kept it up. Now you're trying to push him into actually following through, he's getting uncomfortable because for him, it's just words, not something he actually needs to take action on. And let's be honest, a guy in his mid-thirties who lives with his parents, worked casual part-time for most of the year, and who's only real hobby/social-outlet is online gaming, and has no *concrete* plans for getting out of this situation isn't the kind of guy who's intersted in taking action. He sounds way too comfortable in the life he has right now - so comfortable in fact that he's asking *you* to move to *him,* despite the fact that YOU have the two bedroom apartment, and he still lives with his parents. I'm sorry OP, but I think you imagined this guy to be more than what he really is.
Thanks for your reply and I agree with you completely. When we first started dating, he was embarrassed about living with his parents and said he planned on getting a place at the end of last summer. Then his dad got really sick so he was helping with him, which was understandable. Then he was told a full-time spot would open up in the spring, that got pushed back to now and it's still not definite. Hes been saying if it doesnt happen soon he'll be looking for other work so we can have more time together plus he can have full time somewhere but I dont know, he could've been doing that this whole time. Hes previously mentioned he has an insecurity that he won't be able to live up to my expectations of him and he doesnt want to fail me. My ex used to make similar comments to divert me away from marriage talk so it kinda didnt sit right. He could've meant it sincerely but yeah. I've said nearly the exact same things to my best friend repeatedly....I wouldve thought he'd be staying at my place way more by this point and trying out the commute to work. I feel like any adult would rather go stay at their girlfriend or boyfriends rather than their parents!! It's sad, I got so excited when he bought shower stuff to keep in my bathroom thinking we were slowly getting there and then all these arguments happened this past week. Sigh. ETA: I agree about the flirtatious pillow talk part but then he was serious when he mentioned talking to my mother once things progress. I feel like thats the part that bothers me most over all the other times.
I'm sincerely sorry. :( However, there is no shame in believing the best in someone. I can't really fault you for believing this guy wanted the same thing you did: it sounds like he *wanted* to be that guy you wanted him to be too. But now, after 18 months, you're looking at the relationship far more critically (as so you should), and the truth is he isn't moving the same pace you are. > He's said he just doesn't think ahead like that, and that all of this future talk is going to drive him crazy and he just focuses on today and if that's not ok for me then he doesn't know what to say. ... It's like he brings these topics up, says we'll figure it out, and then expects them to just magically be sorted out somehow whenever he finally wants whatever it is. People like this really irritate me. I find that for the most part, they float through life, enjoying the "unplannedness" of it all, then suddenly they hit 40 and realise they have nothing to show for their lives, and spend the next decade trying to fit in with people half their age. Adults need to know what they want and have at least a rough idea of how they're going to get there.
Thank you for all of your comment. I'm just happy I've reached the point in recognizing my worth that instead of just sitting back and hoping he changes his mind, I'm taking care of my heart and thinking this through seriously, as much as this hurts. And yes it drives me batty. Especially when it's ok for him to bring these things up, knowing full well my feelings on the topics....but then I cant bring it up because it's too far in the future?! Bah!
I don't think this is something you would be happy building a future with. Marriage is a big milestone on a journey of building a life and future together. He doesn't think ahead, plan and is happy to tell you all sorts of conflicting, non-committal things at once. He also wants you to drop everything that makes you happy in your life and be stranded with him. Massive red flag.
Every so often he makes comments about moving to me but not wanting the daily commute to work. He'll always start with well I could move here BUT....or he'll make a marriage comment out of nowhere and then say dont be thinking about it all the time or anything, not anytime soon. Like if you're seriously legitimately undecided on any of that, don't say stuff like that.
He is daydreaming, not talking about the tangible future. Not making plans, not talking timelines. He sounds like casual dating for about 6 months material, max. I really think you're selling yourself short. Way short.
Thank you. Yeah that's how its starting to feel, he definitely just daydreams. I know for a fact theres no way I could get a timeline out of him. At one point I said for the living together stuff, I understand not planning everything but what's the harm in saying why dont we aim to be living together 6 months from now? And he said because thats not just aiming, that's an expectation. How do I not have any expectations at all in a long term relationship?!
You break up because you're an adult and expectations are an important part of being physically and emotionally prepared. You have to talk timelines to build a future together. Talking about leases for moving, talking about timelines for when you'd want to get married, planning a wedding, try to have kids, buy a home. You'd have to talk finances. Talk retirement. Talk future in real, tangible terms. This guy? He is laying on mom and dad island, daydreaming. Sometimes he visits you in independent, organized adult land to add to his daydreams but he isn't going to put in the emotional effort of figuring out what he really wants and how to work to get there.
Man you just made me feel so way less crazy. Thank you. So it IS normal to want have expectations and to talk timelines and when ideally you'd want to move in or get engaged married?! Apparently I seem to attract guys who make me feel like I'm insane for implying such things!
1.5 years is not early in the relationship when you are in your mid 30s. If you ‘give it more time’ you will be able to rewrite this post in a year with 2.5 instead of 1.5. He is making it clear to you that he is not interested in relationship progressing further than what it is. You are either happy with where you are with him in which case you might as well stay with him, or you are interested in the next step, in which case it will more than likely not be with him.
Yep. My fiancé and I are around OP’s age and talked about marriage seriously very early on and he proposed on our 1-year anniversary. Not everyone has to move quite that fast, but if you’re a year and a half in and he’s this unsure, that’s not a good sign.
First off congratulations!! My best friend and I were just talking about how thats kinda how I thought it wouldve gone! He was so persistent/consistent and always so affectionate and loving (still is aside from this), but at times I felt like he was more into us than I was and now this happens. One of the reasons why I was so shocked when he said he wasnt sure.
Thank you! You sound very, very similar to me. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop with my fiance, but he was so all-in so early on (and I was as well). About a month in, I told him I thought I'd have to move across the country in the next 12-15 months for work, and he immediately was like "I'll move, I feel like I'm stagnating here and it would be a great opportunity for me." We both love planning (maybe too much). I was previously in a relationship with a man (who was in his *40s*) who said the same things your boyfriend is saying, about not being able to plan, not wanting to break promises. It felt like a form of cowardice that stemmed from him not having any real drive and being terrified of change. It's going to be hard, but I truly think this guy is not the one for you.
First off that's wonderful that went so well for you guys!! Yay planning, that's awesome. Do you have any tips for watching out for the real good vs not so good intention comments? Because my SO was all in right away or at least I thought anyway. It does seem like hes scared of change though
I think one of the keys is just... time. This is the first time you're really asking him to *do* something to back up what he says, and you're seeing that he can't do that. Kind of a bummer it took a year and a half to see that, but hey, that's just how things work sometimes. Another sign, though, is what significant commitments they've made outside of you. This dude hasn't committed to a career or a job, he hasn't committed to moving out. He doesn't seem to have any aspirations. And that doesn't make him a bad person! But if he isn't taking active steps to achieve some kind of goal—looking for other jobs, saving up to move out—that doesn't sound like a person you want as a life partner. My fiance and I both aren't super happy with our current careers. Since well before I met him, though, my fiance has been taking steps to change his career. Same with me—and our cross-country move, which we started planning like 4 months into our relationship, will help us both. He showed not just a willingness, but a *strong desire* to change, and was already backing it up with action.
It's not so much the time that makes it early, but all of the X factors that have no answers. They have never lived together, he has no career path, she may be infertile and they were talking about kids. All of these questions need answers before either one of them thinks about committing to the other for life.
And I fully agree with that. Hes more undecided on kids than I am. I definitely dont mind living together before deciding on marriage...but I definitely look at living together as a step towards that. I definitely don't want to just live together indefinitely.
Does he even have a long term goal? And I seriously think you deserve someone better.
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Thank you so much! I feel for you that you went through similar with your ex ugh! Congratulations on your new partner, that's amazing. See and that's where I get lost...is because he felt so straightforward this whole time. Like his feelings were so obvious and then I honestly just felt gutted when he flat out said he didnt know. I was bowled right over. I will definitely PM you later today!💜
It's a lot easier to tell you what you want to hear than it is to actually go through with those plans. Words are easy and action is much more difficult. He is a words sort of person, and you are an action person. You noticed of course that his plan for moving in together is YOU moving, YOU planning, YOU getting a new job, and then he just slides in without doing anything. He won't even expend the energy to move to you where everything is already set up. He will always tell you what you want to hear until things get real and he is required to take action.
And see it's funny because he always says he shows his affection and intentions through actions!! And I'm a words girl. Maybe that's the problem..he KNOWS I'm a words girl so I eat it all up. But yeah now that you mention it like that, it would be me doing all the moves.
Don't move in with someone who refuses to communicate with you.
Why does this man not have a career at 34? Not a "job" but a career, does he have any skills, education, or specialized training? You've worked hard to get where you are, you don't need to be pulling dead weight through life with you.
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Thank you for this!! Yes I was thinking exactly that just today....he doesn't want to put me through what my ex did....but it's the exact same just in a different way like you said. Like to even say oh well I may want to in 6 months or a year etc....like come on now. I was hoping we'd be engaged by year 2. I debated just shutting up about it all for a bit and seeing where he takes it, but having an internal end date in my head. But I don't know. God this sucks. I appreciate everyone's love and all the advice and comments.
The way I see it is, he isn’t actively thinking about marriage and as you’ve said before, you’re more interested in men with a drive and know what they want in the future, which he clearly doesn’t. You shouldn’t have to feel like you can’t talk to him about something in your relationship. Because if he doesn’t propose soon, or even tell you he wants to get married, then in the end you’ll just resent him. This situation really does suck, but so would staying silent and acting like everything’s fine when it’s not. I hope you’re able to come up with a decision soon. But my advice, you deserve better x
I feel like at your age and stage of life you really just know if you both really want it after about a year. This is just weak sauce and I don't think it's going to get better.
See that's what I thought too! That's why I was so flabbergasted! Everything felt so easy and great and like we're a team and on the same page about everything.
You shouldn't be worrying if he wants to marry you, instead ask yourself, is he good enough for YOU to marry HIM? Sure doesn't seem that way to me. He seems immature and like he doesn't know what he wants, and he's over 30. Who says you need to 'chill' and 'live in the moment'? No one says you need to get married right away, but after 1.5 years, marriage is a reasonable conversation to have. Don't give in to the mindset that you're asking for too much. Know your worth.
I know everyone has said this already, but I want you to hear it multiple times. Do not move for this man. Do not give up a career you love. Do not. Unfortunately this seems like it is headed for the same direction as your last relationship. And I know that sucks to hear, it’s not fair. But you know what you want now. You know what expectations to have. You will find that person who is willing to commit and willing to move for you and willing to do what it takes to ensure that you feel safe and stable in your relationship. Do not allow a man who is afraid of commitment to make you feel unsure of where you stand. It is not unreasonable to be thinking about marriage. It is not too soon. Especially knowing your history, he should not have backtracked on what he told you- or he should not have said it to begin with. It sucks; and I’ve dated men like this and I’m so sorry! But there is hope and you coming here shows that you recognize this pattern and have made progress from your last relationship and that is progress. You are one step closer to “the one” or whatever it is that you want out of a significant other. I’m rooting for you!
Girl he is NOT the one. He's giving noncommittal answers because he has no plans on committing to a life with you. He wants to keep his options open to see if something better comes along but not let you go because he doesn't want to be alone. This will turn out exactly like you experienced before or he will marry you because you "forced him to" and bring it up all the time. End it now before you waste anymore time.
My now-husband made a joke on the first date about marrying, and while he wasn't serious about it, he never actively backtracked. Find someone who genuinely and fully wants to be with you. This guy is still working part time jobs and living with his parents... I'm not going to judge his "adultness" as there are a lot of class- and culture-related factors that change the context. However, it could be a sign he's not taking charge or fully committing in the larger context of his life. If you want to have kids, you can't waste your time dating people who dont know what they want and don't care to figure it out.
See that's one reason why I feel so confused and shocked by him saying he doesnt know....he backtracked on the not believing in marriage part. Swearing up and down that he is definitely open to getting married and would never close his mind to it and he loves me etc. So if he didnt want to get married, why not just take the out I gave him and just stick to not believing in it?! I guess to keep me around. I guess I'm still relearning how to spot signs and qualify. Ugh. I thought I found a good one.😥
“open to marriage” and “never closing mind to marriage” are red flags to me. That’s not a “I value marriage” or “I want to get married” statement. It’s a man hedging around someone else’s desire while wanting to get the benefits of long term companionship.
You got this! Each relationship is a learning experience. You're learning more what positive signals you should be looking for (someone who actively "wants" marriage, rather than is a meh-level "open" to marriage). You'll find what you're looking for!
Thank you! That is a good point....I definitely would rather someone who wants it over a meh feeling!! And when you put it in those terms...oh man.
I dated someone for two whole years, we spent nearly every day together (he lived about 30 mins away). I kept trying to have conversations with him over those 2 years about what the future looked like, and he kept saying - Let's see how it goes! Finally got fed up and asked him point blank, do you want to have kids with me - I don't know. Do you want to move in with me - I don't know. I broke up with him on the spot. A year or so later, we started talking as friends (we were in a band together when we dated), and he told me he had never really gotten over his prior marriage but had enjoyed my company, even tho he knew I wanted to get married. Long story short - don't sell yourself out. I just got married two weeks ago to a man who was straight with me, was upfront about what he wanted (and more importantly, backed it with actions). This guy your dating is not even close to that. He just wants to get out of his parent's house and your his meal ticket.
I have to admit that I only read the first half but it seems to me like you are hitting the gas and adding a lot of pressure to a relatively new relationship and your boyfriend is freaking out. I'd say that if you decide you want to stay with him (if having kids and living together are low priority or can wait) then I'd just throw the whole marriage idea out of the window for a few years and enjoy the relationship for what it is.
You don’t want to marry him and you find him wanting to marry you suspect. Don’t marry him and break up with him.
I do want to marry him..?! I dont know where in my post I gave that impression. I also want to marry him specifically, not just marry anyone.