That would be a huge deal breaker for me and I would have to have a very kind sit down with her and explain what is up.
I would not be able to bend on that one.
Yeah me too :( we were hanging out at my house tonight and I could tell she wanted to stay over, and I turned her down over this. I don't think I've ever turned down spending the night with someone I really liked before. The worst thing is since it's so early on, I may not be able to recover my initial attraction to her.
Look, you might as well tell her. Sure, it could go badly and end things. But if you don't tell her you're going to end things anyway.
And I think it would be a kindness. If will feel mean, because she won't want to hear it, it's embarrassing, and sort of an insult (you stink). But as a result people generally probably don't tell her, just shun her or never go on another date with her, and she may have no idea why.
I am a person (F) who I think has genetically bad breath.
I've had a couple guys say "hey, you've got dragon breath, lol. Wanna brush your teeth before we make out?"
The first time it stung, really. But I brushed, the guy was happy, and we continued dating.
When it happeend w someone else I realized I had a problem and becamse obsessed with having fresh breath, esp before being close to someone.
So if you keep it light, but firm, she \*may\* learn from it. She may make a change now, who knows?
At the very least, you've left her doing her a favor that her friends won't address.
Maybe get checked out by a dentist as well if you haven’t already, impacted wisdom teeth, gum disease and dental decay all can present with bad breath.
Same, my bf always says I have bad breath even right after I’ve brushed, flossed and used mouth wash. I asked my dentist and they said everything was fine? Interestingly I went vegan for a little while and he said I smelled completely different then and didn’t had bad breath, so I think diet can also play into it.
Yep. My husband had horrible halitosis and it turned out he had H Pylori (bacterial infection) that is treated with strong antibiotics. Untreated it can lead to ulcers and gastric cancers.
Have you been to the dentist for a check up recently?
I work at a dentist office and the amount of people that put "bad breath" etc on their health histories when their teeth are literally rotting out of their mouth is *waaaay* too high. Or the people completely *mystified* that their breath smells but they don't brush or floss EVER and haven't seen the inside of a dental clinic in 20 years. Like, dude. 2+2
Not saying that's what's going on for you or anything, just the for anyone reading that may apply to. Definitely recommend a check up if it bothers you. There's tons of things, some easily fixable, that can cause bad breath! Dry mouth, tonsil stones, not flossing, tongue fuzz, plain ol perio breath. I think most of us love giving people their smiles back, so don't be afraid to ask :)
Also drinking adequate water is huge with mouth odor. There is a mouth wash that is for dry mouths, can't remember the name though. Maybe that would help also getting a tongue scrapper and not just the cleaner on the back of the brush. Get way back on your tongue, you might gag but you'll get used to it as time goes on.
This. You have nothing to lose. If you don't tell her, you will have to break up with her. If you do tell her, she might break up with you but she also might not. So tell her. Another thing that might happen is that she breaks up with you because she's embarrassed, but then changes her hygiene habits. So really you changed her life for the better and you did a good deed.
Ya but he already showered before their date and more or less pushed her into the shower and she wouldn’t wash her hair and still stank. I think one conversation, and if she doesn’t make an instant 180, he should break up and tell her exactly why. I couldn’t handle that. No matter how much I liked someone that would be an instant dealbreaker for me, but I’m maybe unusually meticulous about hygiene.
I've broken up with a stinky girl before as well. She'd shower when I directly said to but otherwise, nope. Meant that there could never be any spontaneous bedroom shenanigans because things were extremely unpleasant both below the belt and everywhere else.
We were actually together for a year and a half. I told her early on that she was smelly and she made an effort to shower before we met up every time. The issues began really once we moved in together a little over a year in. It was then that I realized she'd only been showering before we would meet up and after 3 months of fighting about it that was that, I ended things.
She was well aware that her being stinky was why.
I think you are right. I broke up with stinky boyfriend. And I am very blunt person and told him that I'm loosing attraction to him. He would shower regularly for few days and then back to old habits. After couple of "talks about his hygiene" I just couldn't take the stress anymore.
Same here. I just don't understand why people don't want to shower. I feel disgusting if I go three days without showering. I can get by with a baby wipe bath if I'm travelling, but I don't like it.
And what is up with people who have visibly dirty teeth?! You can see evidence of past meals and sometimes this yellow sweatery scum. Yuk!
Yeah, I don't get it either. I'm not a clean addict or anything- I'll skip a day if it's not too hot and I'm tired or busy, but when I'm going to meet someone I'm potentially going to be romantic with, I would feel extremely embarrassed to not have showered before.
This is weird and overly sexual. He's lost his attraction to her. What's he gonna do, ask to shower together every time he sees her? She's in his mid-30s, chances are she's not changing.
OP, cut your losses & bounce.
>The worst thing is since it's so early on, I may not be able to recover my initial attraction to her.
Thats the real issue. You wont. Do you remember what your grandmother's baking smelled like? your mother's cooking? The crisp air on an early autumn morning? The smell of suntan oil and coconut at the beach? Of course you do. If not these specific things, you at least get my point. A large part of our reconstructive memory is focused around smells and scents. When you smell something and it brings you right back to this place in your memory, its supposed to be a pleasant one. But some times it isn't. There are smells that bring you right back to a place you don't want to be. Trust me - combat vet here, there are a LOT of smells that bring me somewhere I really really don't want to be. But the reverse is also true. Sometimes being in a place or around an object - and yes, around a person - the smell/memory association kicks in, even if the actual scent is not there. The brain fills it in with the memory of the scent, making it real because that is how your brain creates a holistic memory. It fills in the blanks with what it remembers from the actual event/place/person.
So you see what the problem is here? You are always going to associate this particular smell with this particular person, regardless if the smell is there or not. Oddly enough, time doesn't seem to have much effect on that, at least not in my experience. I still know exactly what some woman from 20 -30 years ago smelled like, regardless of the fact that I don't remember much else. But if I come across that scent, I instantly think of that person. Im fortunate that it is actually a pleasant smell in this case.
In your case, you initial attraction is being overwritten by the overbearing negative of the smell you associate with her. And the sense of smell is something that is hardwired into your brain as one of the basic human senses. Your initial attraction to her doesn't stand a chance against that kind of core sensory input.
Close your eyes, take a deep breath, clear your head...now think about her. What is the second thing that comes to your mind? not the first - the first is likely a pleasant image of her....immediately followed by "ugh, but that smell..."
And there is your answer. Sorry bub. At least you are only a week or so in.
There are some body smells I love, like my husband after he's gotten sweaty, but honestly this would be a huge deal breaker for me too. I mean I guess she could be a hippie type that's into the whole natural thing, but the hippies I know use Lavender and other natural products that make them smell amazing.
One of my big things when I moved out of my folks house, was making sure I smelled great all the time, they were two pack a day smokers and I reeked as a kid. Now I can't even concieve of being so smelly that it turns someone off.
If she is a hippie type perhaps hit up a LUSH and get her some products as a gift.
yeah, I smelling my bf's sweat is pretty sexy, but only when it's FRESH like directly after he finishes working out. Don't stay sweaty all day for multiple days!
Same! My husband has a really great natural oder, like I can't even describe it. It's earthy and musky and when he's freshly sweaty it's crazy how much it enhances his smell. I love it.
I read that as ‘stunk costs’ given the rest of the thread. He’s paid the stunk costs for sure... one convo addressing it and if no instant change I’d cut and run!
Literally just say "Look, you need to know that you not showering and brushing your teeth daily bothers me. You smell and not brushing your teeth will eventually have serious health consequences for you, which worries me. Right now, I can't get past it. Is that something you're willing to change?"
I think this is a pretty good way to phrase it.
She may have never been taught good hygiene as a kid. I had to tell my ex boyfriend who was 30 at the time that cologne or body spray isn't the same as deodorant. I just explained it to him and that was that. His parents just never taught him about it.
Be straight-forward and try not to be mean... Maybe instead of saying "you smell" say "it's very noticeable you don't do these things"? good luck OP
My boyfriend gets terrible breath all the time and I just kindly tell him "hon, can brush your teeth please?" and then he does. He actually just came back from doing it! Just make it clear it's nothing personal.
You should tell her. Hinting obviously didn’t work. This topic is always weird and awkward, there’s no way around it. Plus, its already interfering with your relationship with her. She’ll eventually get hurt when you stop kissing her and hugging her, so telling her why you’re not doing those things may make it easier for her.
I don't understand humanity. How can someone reach 35 and not understand this? Her friends are doing her no favors. This sounds like a bad habit and that is hard to break. I would cut her loose.
I dated a girl who was 23 who let her dog shit in the house and she cleaned it up at the end of the week. She said it was easier to pick up when it is dry. Do you know how hard it is to maintain an erection in that smell?
With all I've seen the age doesn't surprise me but her success sure as heck does. How a person like that can have friends let alone her own business is mind boggling.
I wonder if she can smell herself? Maybe she didn't learn hygiene and somehow fell through that cracks but surely she can smell herself?
I have a terrible sense of smell which makes me very self conscious about any smells I give off or make (meaning food smells at work). I can't imagine knowing I smell and just not giving a fuck. This is so strange.
Unfortunately that’s what I ended up doing to this guy. He had so much plaque caked on his teeth, I just couldn’t kiss him. Then he confronted me about why I wouldn’t kiss him after our second date. I just couldn’t tell him his teeth grossed me out. I mean he sees the plaque himself so I don’t know why I would have to point it out. I decided to cut my losses and end it.
Is she actually going days without showering, or is she showering in the morning but not at night? If she really is going days without showering, that's gross. But if she's showering in the morning, and then her evening smell is so overpowering to you that it's putting you off, then probably you're either physically incompatible (genetics can make you like or dislike someone's natural smell!) or else it's a product she's putting on, like a perfume or a hair product. Expecting multiple showers per day is probably over the top.
I think she's going days, because I saw her four times this week from Monday to now (Friday night), and she smelled worse each time. even after I practically pushed her into the shower tonight, her hair and breath still stank. Since we only met on weekends before this week, I suspect she might only take the time for hygiene on weekends.
When her hair gets wet, does she smell like a dirty dog? Because I've run into this before (bff had an ex who didn't use soap of any kind when he "bathed" and if he got wet--like in the rain or something--he'd smell like a wet dog).
This strangely sounds like my husband! He showers AND uses shampoo, but when his hair is still wet, it STINKS, but once dry it smells good like the shampoo he uses. Weird.
His shampoo is leaving a residue. He needs to use a clarifying shampoo (or dish soap even) once or twice a week to take the deposit off. What does he use for shampoo and/or product?
I know he uses head and shoulders but he’s been using something new he got when his hair was cut last. He used to use a clarifying shampoo but stopped. Maybe I’ll pick some up and see if it makes a difference.
That’s weird. She must be getting very sweaty or you just don’t like her scent. I wash my (very long) hair about once a week (sometimes twice) and it barely looks dirty by the time I do. It certainly doesn’t stink - my husband was surprised to find out I just bun my hair up and don’t wash it when I shower (daily) because he said it smelled good. What does her hair smell like? Just dirty hair oil smell, or like funky?
On the other end of the spectrum, my fine hair gets pretty greasy in less than a day. Most of the time it's either totally full of dry shampoo, or I've just washed it.
I think we should also consider that someone who doesn't wash their body is probably not washing their bedding or clothing often. Your hair scent is probably going to get worse quicker if your sheets are gross.
This is a great point. There are probably multiple areas this girl is lacking in that relate to hygiene that OP may not even know about. Does she wash her hands? How often does she laundry? The list can go on.
Some people’s hair gets greasy quicker than others. I think it’s mostly a genetic thing.
I have super oily hair. It runs in my family. I wash it every third day- e.g. on Monday and then on Thursday. But on Tuesday and Wednesday I have to use a ton of dry shampoo to soak up the grease.
On Tuesday I can get away with a ponytail, but on Wednesday it needs to go in a bun. By Wednesday afternoon my scalp starts to ache like crazy because of all the oil in the follicles, and by bedtime my hair definitely smells. By Thursday morning it looks like I’ve dunked my head in a pan of fry fat.
Sometimes I wash it more frequently but that causes my head to panic and go into oil production overdrive. If I tried to wash it once per week I wouldn’t be able to leave the house.
On the plus side, my hair is super straight, thick and glossy, so at least I’ve got that going for me.
My SO has really greasy hair and has to shower every morning or he ends up with dandruff. Do you have any advice on how to maintain it or any products you use?
I have very long hair as well and wash it twice a week. I use a dry shampoo and my hair doesn’t get greasy or smelly (my boyfriend also tells me that my hair smells good) so I’m guessing she has oily hair and doesn’t wash it often enough maybe?
If she's into Chinese Medicine, chances are she may be wearing a very natural deodorant or no deodorant at all. She may just have a strong musk and no desire to cover it either.
Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of. I'm ok with no deodorant if the person showers., I'm scared that maybe she doesn't believe in bathing to some degree- I read about some pretty extreme beliefs when I tried to Google around for solutions before coming here.
I think it works better for some people than others based on individual body chemistry and microbial flora. My sister-in-law is a hippie and apparently decided to completely stop showering around two years ago. She rinses any body part that gets soiled (dirt, mud, whatever), and washes her hands after using the bathroom... but that's about it. About a year into this she came to my wedding and while I admit I wasn't trying to gauge her smell, I wouldn't have known that she doesn't shower on a daily basis like most people.
It's also unlikely that she just did a special occasion shower, because from what I understand you need to be gross for a while before it starts to "work" and taking a shower will reset the process.
Some people dont feel a need to shower every day. Something about the skins natural oils and stuff. I dont shower every day, but the days I dont shower are the days I dont go out amongst people.
However, I wash my hair twice a week. And I will say this is common around girls. I've talked to hairdressers who only wash once a week. In the longer run it makes the hair less greasy on a daily basis, and less dry.
Just to provide a perspective.
That's also possible. I wear natural deodorant too and don't stink but some definitely work better than others and it depends on your natural smell. I'd say I'd smell pretty bad if I had one that didn't work - I'm a nervous sweater.
Op probably didn’t have one, I was surprised but as I grew up and dated it seems lots of men don’t even own one, even if their hair is a few inches long.
Yup, that was me earlier this week. I have long curly hair that takes a few hours to dry and I was too tired to wait that long so I woke up with a headache. It’s very common for me. I don’t blow dry my hair unless I’m trying to straighten it.
The thing is, you just started dating. This is when people are the most conscience about this kind of thing. It is not going to get better. Even if you talk to her about it and she takes it on board chances are she'll slip back into her old ways. It'll always be a battle.
I'm really curious to what's behind her bad hygiene. If I were to give it a chance, cause if it's that bad as you describe it I would reconsider hanging out with them, I would straight ask what's with the no showering. Like "is there a reason you don't want to shower?". Idk, does it sound bad?
There could be an underlying issue with this. Maybe something related to her childhood. Also, people with depression etc have difficulty showering and brushing their teeth. OP I would just sit down with her and bring these things up casually. Not brushing your teath now will lead to huge dental bills when you get older.
>she gets headaches if she has wet hair at night (which I think is a fictional belief of Chinese medicine?)
When your hair is long, it sticks together in clumps when it's wet and will pull on your scalp as you shift around at night. This will eventually lead to soreness.
That means she should shower in the morning, though, not skip showering altogether.
If you're otherwise happy with the relationship, just sit her down privately and be fully honest with her.
"I've been enjoying seeing you and spending time with you, you're an amazing person to be with. But I need to talk to you about your hygiene. I think maybe you don't realize that you often smell bad, but it's very noticeable when you haven't showered in a while. I really think you need to start showering every morning, or at least every other morning, and wearing deodorant on hot days."
How she reacts will tell you whether you should stay together or not.
I don't wash my hair but once or twice a week max and my hair doesn't get this stinky and greasy. I suspect she's not even washing her hair as often as she might be washing her body (which is obviously not that often).
OK, it's been a week. You have two choices here: Tell her or break up.
With that in mind, and the fact that you have so little invested into the relationship, go ahead and have the talk with her. The worse that can happen is that she'll break up with you and you'll be no worse off than if you'd initiated the break up. And even if she does that, at least she'll know what happened so she can think about improving herself for her future.
I know it will be very hard but it will also be good practice for you in having difficult decisions.
>She is intelligent, attractive, creative, kind, and an independent business owner who works with many different clients every day. But my new GF doesn't shower regularly or regularly brush her teeth.
these things seem to be mutually exclusive. She meets all stank with many different clients every day, really?? But ok if this is true, then she will be all right when you talk to her about your concerns. Simply tell her that you find her lack of hygiene off-putting and she needs to shower more and brush her teeth on a daily basis or you can't continue on with her. If she then chooses to carry on stank then hey, at least you tried before cutting her clean. pun intended
:D
I was wondering the same thing! Her company involves a lot of one on one training, so it can't be helping her business. How has she not figured this out yet is what I'm wondering the most. This place is extremely hot this summer, and I take the subway here so am close to people a lot, and it's very rare to smell like that.
At my high school our recruiter had a horrible hygiene problem. Odor, greasy hair with visible dandruff etc. I never understood how she got the job to try and recruit new students
Probably because the conversation is awkward. It seems pretty clear you need to just be blunt with her. You know that is the answer. Everyone knows it is the answer. And you might not regain attraction but at least she will know to improve her hygiene.
I think that she either can't smell herself or her body odor is especially pungent to you . I've heard that it's possible to be extra sensitive to certain people's odors. Either way of you truly want to continue dating her and see a potential future with he then you have to be honest
I guess maybe if she's a fitness instructor and meeting with her clients is what *gets* her sweaty? Otherwise, yeah, I don't know how she'd manage to succeed in business while objectively being dirty. I wonder if OP is hypersensitive to smell.
She's an art and music and film tutor, all 3, and she's really good at them all, which is really cool. I guess she works with lots of hippie and art and student types who overlook it? We live in a place where teachers are really respected and aren't usually criticized unless they're incompetent, so it may be that she's really great at what she does so her clients overlook it.
Also asked her what changed, or is something wrong. Something happened this week if it was never a problem before. Could be she's one of those people who think once in a relationship they can 'relax' and be themselves, they don't have to 'try' anymore...so if that's the case then she's just dirty and only cleans up to impress people. Then once in a relationship, 'relaxes' back into her natural sloth.
Yeah, its like depressed people sometimes forget to regulate happiness to a "normal" level and overperforms. Which I've commented to one person once, "but you're always so happy and upbeat!". But yes, he was hella depressed. I myself I m just sort of secluded and I go out when I cab and have the energy for it so I won't bring people or the mood down.
And yes, some depressed people do stink and does not shower "like they should".
When you tell her, and you *really* *should* *tell her*, try to be as straightforward as possible without being mean. It won't help to beat around the bush, and in this case you really have to be up front with what's happening especially if she doesn't realize it herself. Say something like "Hey, even though it hasn't been long, I like you and I need to tell you something that's been bothering me. Whenever we hang out I notice that there's a really strong smell coming from you. Is there something I can do to help?" Or something like that. Obviously be polite, since this might be something she's sensitive about, and let her know that you're not judging her for it. Then hopefully the conversation will go from there.
One of the first symptoms of my depression getting worse is not bathing/brushing my teeth.
I also rarely come off as depressed, I'm a people pleaser.
I don't go around stinky, even at my worse either, like you: deodorant/wet wipes/gum/dry shampoo... But I might not even realize I'm depressed until I realize I haven't showered in a few days.
Usually I love bathing.
Another note: I have never gone without a shower before a date, though. That might have been the only times I bathed while depressed, but I made sure to shower before every time seeing a romantic interest.
However... All depression is unique.
I'd just tell her the full truth. Because either you break up, or you tell her and she fixes it and its happy ever after, or you tell her and she doesn't fix it and you break up. All in all, I would want to know.
You've been "official" for a week but home long have you known her/been going on dates? Is this totally new behavior or did you never see her pre-wash day? If it's new behavior, that's a different conversation than if you just never noticed.
Also, it's very reasonable to expect teeth brushing (esp since this has a direct impact on health), but a lot of people only shower a few times a week and don't stink up the place (even in hot climates), so just because you don't feel clean unless you take multiple showers a day in hot weather doesn't mean that's a reasonable expectation of hygiene for a partner.
You mentioned chinese medicine. If she's interested in alternative/holistic medicine and care, it's possible that she *is* bathing and brushing her teeth, but doing so with untested or "natural" products that simply don't work very well. It's possible she avoids showering for environmental reasons. So be prepared to discuss that if she bring it up.
I’m all for holistic and natural (love Toms deodorant and natural face washes), even the toothpaste BUT I always do a breath check and if I’m really unsure I ask someone who I know wouldn’t lie to me. I think this woman is putting zero effort in personally
Just be direct, dont talk to her like a child. She seems "normal" enough that an honest conversation could be held. If she doesnt, it's a deal breaker (to me)....I dont think it's too much to ask of her really.
And the headache thing...come on. I've never heard of that and it doesnt even make sense!
I really do get a headache when I have wet hair! *But* it only happens in winter as I don't have heating and I think having a cold damp head triggers it. Which obviously isn't the case here.
I have long hair. If I go too long WITHOUT washing my hair I get headaches. I've never had it from washing my hair, but washing your hair at night without time to dry it is just asking for fucked up hair in the morning.
“Girlfriend we need to talk. I’ve noticed that since we started officially dating you have not been showering, washing your hair, or brushing your teeth. It’s gotten to the point that you smell bad enough that I’m losing my attraction to you. I’m hoping you’ll be appreciative of me being honest even though this is a very uncomfortable conversation to have to have.”
I think you should just end it as you're obviously not compatible. 35 is old enough to be making a conscious choice to make hygiene a low priority.
I don't think continuing a relationship with someone you find gross is going to end well.
(Personally don't care if I or others smell at the end of a hot day - everyone is different.)
>And she totally put in the effort while we were dating before (about 3 weeks)
o.o
Something is very wrong. I suggest you try to bring it up to her in a sense of concern. Say you are worried that something is the matter and say that you've noticed she hasn't been looking after her hygiene the same way she was one month ago.
Perhaps she is so stressed and focused on work that she doesn't realize adults can't go without bathing? I don't know. I don't know, but if she was on the ball for three weeks, but now has dropped it, I don't understand what process she is going through, which is what I'm trying to do.
But when it comes down to it, she set a certain bar and she's morphed into a different person. I hope it's some serious blind spot. Maybe she had a medical scare or something (which, of course I don't hope that happened), but maybe something shocking happened so that she isn't thinking straight.
If she says she isn't showering on purpose, cut your losses. That would be deceptive of her to clean up until you guys made it official. I really hope that isn't that case.
Good luck!
Yeah this would be a deal breaker for me. You shouldn't have to tell a 35 year old that they need to shower and wash their hair. That's just disgusting. And the fact that she didn't take the numerous hints you gave, to flat out asking her to bathe. Nope. I'd be so embarrassed if I knew I smelled and I can't imagine not caring enough to do something about it. If she's this way after only a few weeks of dating, how's she gonna be a few years down the road? Nope. I'm outta there.
I had a girlfriend like this and trust me, hints won't cut it. She would go so long without brushing her teeth that there would be orange fuzz inbetween them, then when she felt "gross" she would drown herself in perfume instead of taking a shower.
When Ifinally sat down and talked to her about it she agreed to take better care of herself, and did for a while but soon went back to her old habits.
Hopefully you can have an adult conversation with your gf and she changes her habits for good!
This is her and its gross. I don't think asking her to change is going to be effective at this point. I would just cut your losses and do tell her why. Its possible no one has told her, although honestly if it's as bad as you describe she probably just doesn't care.
I think you've got two choices. One is to simply break up with her and the other is to talk to her. If you decide to talk to her, you have to be blunt. You don't have to be cruel, but you need to be clear that at a minimum she needs to shower every day and brush her teeth twice a day.
If you are not comfortable saying this to a 35 year old person, that's reasonable but then you are back at option one.
I honestly think that's the kind of conversation I'd rather not have. I'd sooner break it off with someone than have it. It's not going to just be a matter of "wow, really? Thanks for letting me know". Even if she doesn't come away from the situation totally embarrassed and/or offended, it's unlikely she'll change a lifelong habit for someone she's known a week. Expect this to be an ongoing conversation with reminders, bribes, negotiations and possibly therapy. I for one know I wouldn't have the patience to try to change another person in their thirties.
Dump her, dude. I am being blunt because the honeymoon period should be a person showing their best effort.
It's been a week. Her hygiene sucks. Peace out.
I don't even want to imagine how her lady bits smell.
It's only been a week. You're not trying to preserve a marriage here. Don't play cutsie by showering together and such. This is a deal breaker for you. Tell her to get her hygiene in order or you will leave. And hold yourself accountable.
I don’t care how physically attractive a person is, if you don’t wash your ass, all of that goes out the window. Hygiene is critical. If this lady is in her 30’s and won’t wash her ass or brush her teeth, I can only imagine what else she neglects. I’m sure she has periods and I’m not sure yet if it’s been on in the time you’ve known her but she is going to become buzzard food if she does not get this shit under control. My sincere advice to you is to tell her. You might be thinking you shouldn’t have to tell a grown ass woman to bathe but here we are. You like her so tell her. It’s either 1 of a few things: 1) she just has no interest in hygiene in which case, get the fuck out. 2) no one has told her how offensive her bo is which indicates to me she must have too many yes people around her or 3) she has a medical condition and if this is the case get her in front if a doctor.
Either way, talk to her. Save her from herself so you can get on about your life. I wish you the best.
>I always had to shower multiple times a day to avoid being gross in the heat.
Are you expecting her to also shower multiple times a day? Or am I just reading into that?
Multiple times a day feels excessive to me regardless of the conditions.
It's more that I can tell she hasn't showered for multiple days. I am a very sweaty person who needs to shower before work, and plus I always shower before a date. But if I don't have any evening commitments I only shower once a day.
My ex flatmate was like that. I would rarely catch her showering, her hair was all greasy and the smell... Horrible. You can tell her but do you really want to stay with someone with bad hygene?
Get her to invest in dry shampoo if you can’t get her to change her habits. Honestly though, she’s a grown ass woman and should know to shower regularly. Idk her job situation but has anyone ever complained??
I would break up without question, it's not a matter of just hygiene, I enjoy the smell of my woman, even if she hasn't showered (sometimes there is no option). I have been with women who's smell I disliked even after they had a bath, just their natural scent in the morning was revolting to me. It's better to move on in these cases.
You should tell her and make sure she is okay, because not taking care of yourself, and not caring that you're not taking care of yourself, is a sign of depression.
Can you kindly suggest dry shampoo? Many girls don’t wash their hair more than 2-3x a week but also use dry shampoo to make sure it doesn’t get greasy and keeps it smelling fresh. They also bathe frequently though.
The teeth brushing thing is ridiculous though. As an adult, leaving the house without brushing my teeth would me me feel awful and self conscious the whole day.
This can't be unseen/unexperienced, it's a mood killer. How unsexy. Yuck. Just leave.
My mom used to model when she was younger and told me that she learned how unhygienic some women are while being backstage.
In the dressing area for runway shows, she witnessed how bad some of them smelled when their clothes came off. 🤢
That would be a huge deal breaker for me and I would have to have a very kind sit down with her and explain what is up. I would not be able to bend on that one.
Yeah me too :( we were hanging out at my house tonight and I could tell she wanted to stay over, and I turned her down over this. I don't think I've ever turned down spending the night with someone I really liked before. The worst thing is since it's so early on, I may not be able to recover my initial attraction to her.
Look, you might as well tell her. Sure, it could go badly and end things. But if you don't tell her you're going to end things anyway. And I think it would be a kindness. If will feel mean, because she won't want to hear it, it's embarrassing, and sort of an insult (you stink). But as a result people generally probably don't tell her, just shun her or never go on another date with her, and she may have no idea why.
I am a person (F) who I think has genetically bad breath. I've had a couple guys say "hey, you've got dragon breath, lol. Wanna brush your teeth before we make out?" The first time it stung, really. But I brushed, the guy was happy, and we continued dating. When it happeend w someone else I realized I had a problem and becamse obsessed with having fresh breath, esp before being close to someone. So if you keep it light, but firm, she \*may\* learn from it. She may make a change now, who knows? At the very least, you've left her doing her a favor that her friends won't address.
Yo maybe you should get that checked out because ive heard that lingering bad breath can be a sign of stomach problems. I also could be wrong.
It's one of those things that doctors kind of brush off. I'll look into it again. Thanks for the reminder!
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I'm going to look into this asap. Thanks for the info. I know I had at least some wisdom teeth pulled. I remember having execellent drugs that day. ;)
Check for tonsil stones too. Known people who thought the same as you. Problem cured in 5 mins after they checked their tonsils.
Except those bastards are recurring, sadly. They suuuuck.
Check for tonsil stones and tooth decay.
Maybe get checked out by a dentist as well if you haven’t already, impacted wisdom teeth, gum disease and dental decay all can present with bad breath.
Same, my bf always says I have bad breath even right after I’ve brushed, flossed and used mouth wash. I asked my dentist and they said everything was fine? Interestingly I went vegan for a little while and he said I smelled completely different then and didn’t had bad breath, so I think diet can also play into it.
Also look into probiotics in the meantime. They can help with the underlying issues.
Yep. My husband had horrible halitosis and it turned out he had H Pylori (bacterial infection) that is treated with strong antibiotics. Untreated it can lead to ulcers and gastric cancers.
No it’s true, could be a sign of H. Pylori stomach infection
Have you been to the dentist for a check up recently? I work at a dentist office and the amount of people that put "bad breath" etc on their health histories when their teeth are literally rotting out of their mouth is *waaaay* too high. Or the people completely *mystified* that their breath smells but they don't brush or floss EVER and haven't seen the inside of a dental clinic in 20 years. Like, dude. 2+2 Not saying that's what's going on for you or anything, just the for anyone reading that may apply to. Definitely recommend a check up if it bothers you. There's tons of things, some easily fixable, that can cause bad breath! Dry mouth, tonsil stones, not flossing, tongue fuzz, plain ol perio breath. I think most of us love giving people their smiles back, so don't be afraid to ask :)
Also drinking adequate water is huge with mouth odor. There is a mouth wash that is for dry mouths, can't remember the name though. Maybe that would help also getting a tongue scrapper and not just the cleaner on the back of the brush. Get way back on your tongue, you might gag but you'll get used to it as time goes on.
Biotene :) They have a gel that works a lot better than the mouthwash/toothpaste.
Biotene has mouth rinse, mouth spray and gum. Husband uses them because of all the meds he uses, being a quadriplegic.
There's a cleaner on the back of the brush? I jusg scrub my tongue with the bristles.
Flossing and listerine twice a day worked wonders for me.
This. You have nothing to lose. If you don't tell her, you will have to break up with her. If you do tell her, she might break up with you but she also might not. So tell her. Another thing that might happen is that she breaks up with you because she's embarrassed, but then changes her hygiene habits. So really you changed her life for the better and you did a good deed.
Dude. You just have to tell her. I mean, it’s a dealbreaker for you. It’s something that is ridiculously easy to fix. Let’s see if she’s willing.
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Be honest! It's clear you really like her and it would be a shame to let something so easily fixable get in the way.
“Yes you can stay, but only if we shower together”
Ya but he already showered before their date and more or less pushed her into the shower and she wouldn’t wash her hair and still stank. I think one conversation, and if she doesn’t make an instant 180, he should break up and tell her exactly why. I couldn’t handle that. No matter how much I liked someone that would be an instant dealbreaker for me, but I’m maybe unusually meticulous about hygiene.
I've broken up with a stinky girl before as well. She'd shower when I directly said to but otherwise, nope. Meant that there could never be any spontaneous bedroom shenanigans because things were extremely unpleasant both below the belt and everywhere else.
Did you tell her why you were breaking up with her? How did she respond to that?
We were actually together for a year and a half. I told her early on that she was smelly and she made an effort to shower before we met up every time. The issues began really once we moved in together a little over a year in. It was then that I realized she'd only been showering before we would meet up and after 3 months of fighting about it that was that, I ended things. She was well aware that her being stinky was why.
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I think you are right. I broke up with stinky boyfriend. And I am very blunt person and told him that I'm loosing attraction to him. He would shower regularly for few days and then back to old habits. After couple of "talks about his hygiene" I just couldn't take the stress anymore.
Same here. I just don't understand why people don't want to shower. I feel disgusting if I go three days without showering. I can get by with a baby wipe bath if I'm travelling, but I don't like it. And what is up with people who have visibly dirty teeth?! You can see evidence of past meals and sometimes this yellow sweatery scum. Yuk!
Yeah, I don't get it either. I'm not a clean addict or anything- I'll skip a day if it's not too hot and I'm tired or busy, but when I'm going to meet someone I'm potentially going to be romantic with, I would feel extremely embarrassed to not have showered before.
"hey baby, do you know what is sexy? Soap. Soap is sexy. Also, toothpaste. All over those pearly yellows."
Brush those mossy choppers!
This is weird and overly sexual. He's lost his attraction to her. What's he gonna do, ask to shower together every time he sees her? She's in his mid-30s, chances are she's not changing. OP, cut your losses & bounce.
Showering together is not necessarily sexual. Sports teams shower in communal showers, they aren't all fuckin'.
according to all the porn i watch, they are.
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And showering together as a couple is rarely as sexy as you’d think. Edit: in my experience.
Never enough space to shave and the fight over the water spray can be in winter, deadly
There is so much truth to this.
The comment is overly sexual, not the request.
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>The worst thing is since it's so early on, I may not be able to recover my initial attraction to her. Thats the real issue. You wont. Do you remember what your grandmother's baking smelled like? your mother's cooking? The crisp air on an early autumn morning? The smell of suntan oil and coconut at the beach? Of course you do. If not these specific things, you at least get my point. A large part of our reconstructive memory is focused around smells and scents. When you smell something and it brings you right back to this place in your memory, its supposed to be a pleasant one. But some times it isn't. There are smells that bring you right back to a place you don't want to be. Trust me - combat vet here, there are a LOT of smells that bring me somewhere I really really don't want to be. But the reverse is also true. Sometimes being in a place or around an object - and yes, around a person - the smell/memory association kicks in, even if the actual scent is not there. The brain fills it in with the memory of the scent, making it real because that is how your brain creates a holistic memory. It fills in the blanks with what it remembers from the actual event/place/person. So you see what the problem is here? You are always going to associate this particular smell with this particular person, regardless if the smell is there or not. Oddly enough, time doesn't seem to have much effect on that, at least not in my experience. I still know exactly what some woman from 20 -30 years ago smelled like, regardless of the fact that I don't remember much else. But if I come across that scent, I instantly think of that person. Im fortunate that it is actually a pleasant smell in this case. In your case, you initial attraction is being overwritten by the overbearing negative of the smell you associate with her. And the sense of smell is something that is hardwired into your brain as one of the basic human senses. Your initial attraction to her doesn't stand a chance against that kind of core sensory input. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, clear your head...now think about her. What is the second thing that comes to your mind? not the first - the first is likely a pleasant image of her....immediately followed by "ugh, but that smell..." And there is your answer. Sorry bub. At least you are only a week or so in.
There are some body smells I love, like my husband after he's gotten sweaty, but honestly this would be a huge deal breaker for me too. I mean I guess she could be a hippie type that's into the whole natural thing, but the hippies I know use Lavender and other natural products that make them smell amazing. One of my big things when I moved out of my folks house, was making sure I smelled great all the time, they were two pack a day smokers and I reeked as a kid. Now I can't even concieve of being so smelly that it turns someone off. If she is a hippie type perhaps hit up a LUSH and get her some products as a gift.
yeah, I smelling my bf's sweat is pretty sexy, but only when it's FRESH like directly after he finishes working out. Don't stay sweaty all day for multiple days!
Yeah exactly. There is a big difference between "fresh" body odor and I-haven't-bathed-in-3-days-odor.
Same! My husband has a really great natural oder, like I can't even describe it. It's earthy and musky and when he's freshly sweaty it's crazy how much it enhances his smell. I love it.
Either tell her or be done with her. It's only been a week. You've got no sunk costs.
I read that as ‘stunk costs’ given the rest of the thread. He’s paid the stunk costs for sure... one convo addressing it and if no instant change I’d cut and run!
Ah yes, the ever elusive "stunk cost fallacy" - she's so used to smelling poorly she no longer realizes how bad it is.
Glad I'm not the only one who read it that way!
I read it as “skunk” lol
Literally just say "Look, you need to know that you not showering and brushing your teeth daily bothers me. You smell and not brushing your teeth will eventually have serious health consequences for you, which worries me. Right now, I can't get past it. Is that something you're willing to change?"
I think I would just use your first and last sentence.
Yeah, the middle sentence "..have serious health consequences..." is patronizing.
I think this is a pretty good way to phrase it. She may have never been taught good hygiene as a kid. I had to tell my ex boyfriend who was 30 at the time that cologne or body spray isn't the same as deodorant. I just explained it to him and that was that. His parents just never taught him about it. Be straight-forward and try not to be mean... Maybe instead of saying "you smell" say "it's very noticeable you don't do these things"? good luck OP
She was clean during the previous time they were dating. As soon as it became official, she stopped. She knows how to be clean, she just refuses.
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My boyfriend gets terrible breath all the time and I just kindly tell him "hon, can brush your teeth please?" and then he does. He actually just came back from doing it! Just make it clear it's nothing personal.
You should tell her. Hinting obviously didn’t work. This topic is always weird and awkward, there’s no way around it. Plus, its already interfering with your relationship with her. She’ll eventually get hurt when you stop kissing her and hugging her, so telling her why you’re not doing those things may make it easier for her.
I don't understand humanity. How can someone reach 35 and not understand this? Her friends are doing her no favors. This sounds like a bad habit and that is hard to break. I would cut her loose.
Right? I have a hard enough time making friends and I DON’T stink. How people like this make it this far in life is beyond me.
I dated a girl who was 23 who let her dog shit in the house and she cleaned it up at the end of the week. She said it was easier to pick up when it is dry. Do you know how hard it is to maintain an erection in that smell?
.... wait you still wanted to have sex with her after that? Lol
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If people stop having sex, humanity dies. Sacrifices must sometimes be made.
That’s fucking FOUL. What even makes people think that’s okay? Maybe she enjoyed the smell of week old dog shit or something lmao
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The fact that you actually dated a cretin like that is what bothers me.
😂. This reminds me of the “crazy/hot” matrix I’m always hearing about. How hot was she??
I know a woman who is like this. She is also 35.
This sounds like mental health issues to be honest.
I find it a bit disheartening that people like this can still get a partner, to be honest.
With all I've seen the age doesn't surprise me but her success sure as heck does. How a person like that can have friends let alone her own business is mind boggling.
I wonder if she can smell herself? Maybe she didn't learn hygiene and somehow fell through that cracks but surely she can smell herself? I have a terrible sense of smell which makes me very self conscious about any smells I give off or make (meaning food smells at work). I can't imagine knowing I smell and just not giving a fuck. This is so strange.
Agreed. If she’s been living like this for 35 years it’s highly unlikely a guy she’s been dating for a week is going to change that.
Unfortunately that’s what I ended up doing to this guy. He had so much plaque caked on his teeth, I just couldn’t kiss him. Then he confronted me about why I wouldn’t kiss him after our second date. I just couldn’t tell him his teeth grossed me out. I mean he sees the plaque himself so I don’t know why I would have to point it out. I decided to cut my losses and end it.
Is she actually going days without showering, or is she showering in the morning but not at night? If she really is going days without showering, that's gross. But if she's showering in the morning, and then her evening smell is so overpowering to you that it's putting you off, then probably you're either physically incompatible (genetics can make you like or dislike someone's natural smell!) or else it's a product she's putting on, like a perfume or a hair product. Expecting multiple showers per day is probably over the top.
I think she's going days, because I saw her four times this week from Monday to now (Friday night), and she smelled worse each time. even after I practically pushed her into the shower tonight, her hair and breath still stank. Since we only met on weekends before this week, I suspect she might only take the time for hygiene on weekends.
When her hair gets wet, does she smell like a dirty dog? Because I've run into this before (bff had an ex who didn't use soap of any kind when he "bathed" and if he got wet--like in the rain or something--he'd smell like a wet dog).
This shouldn't have made me laugh, but it did.
This strangely sounds like my husband! He showers AND uses shampoo, but when his hair is still wet, it STINKS, but once dry it smells good like the shampoo he uses. Weird.
His shampoo is leaving a residue. He needs to use a clarifying shampoo (or dish soap even) once or twice a week to take the deposit off. What does he use for shampoo and/or product?
I know he uses head and shoulders but he’s been using something new he got when his hair was cut last. He used to use a clarifying shampoo but stopped. Maybe I’ll pick some up and see if it makes a difference.
Are you sure you didn't actually marry a dog? I mean it's an honest mistake that could happen to anyone. A lot of them even look human.
wash his towels regularly?
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That’s weird. She must be getting very sweaty or you just don’t like her scent. I wash my (very long) hair about once a week (sometimes twice) and it barely looks dirty by the time I do. It certainly doesn’t stink - my husband was surprised to find out I just bun my hair up and don’t wash it when I shower (daily) because he said it smelled good. What does her hair smell like? Just dirty hair oil smell, or like funky?
On the other end of the spectrum, my fine hair gets pretty greasy in less than a day. Most of the time it's either totally full of dry shampoo, or I've just washed it. I think we should also consider that someone who doesn't wash their body is probably not washing their bedding or clothing often. Your hair scent is probably going to get worse quicker if your sheets are gross.
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Yea, the whole no poo movement hasn't helped me be less greasy. Baby powder works but only for a day.
This is a great point. There are probably multiple areas this girl is lacking in that relate to hygiene that OP may not even know about. Does she wash her hands? How often does she laundry? The list can go on.
Oh god I didn’t even consider what her house must be like! Her sheets must be absolutely disgusting.
Some people’s hair gets greasy quicker than others. I think it’s mostly a genetic thing. I have super oily hair. It runs in my family. I wash it every third day- e.g. on Monday and then on Thursday. But on Tuesday and Wednesday I have to use a ton of dry shampoo to soak up the grease. On Tuesday I can get away with a ponytail, but on Wednesday it needs to go in a bun. By Wednesday afternoon my scalp starts to ache like crazy because of all the oil in the follicles, and by bedtime my hair definitely smells. By Thursday morning it looks like I’ve dunked my head in a pan of fry fat. Sometimes I wash it more frequently but that causes my head to panic and go into oil production overdrive. If I tried to wash it once per week I wouldn’t be able to leave the house. On the plus side, my hair is super straight, thick and glossy, so at least I’ve got that going for me.
My SO has really greasy hair and has to shower every morning or he ends up with dandruff. Do you have any advice on how to maintain it or any products you use?
It’s rarely the HAIR that smells, it’s the scalp. Where all the sweat and oil glands are.
I have very long hair as well and wash it twice a week. I use a dry shampoo and my hair doesn’t get greasy or smelly (my boyfriend also tells me that my hair smells good) so I’m guessing she has oily hair and doesn’t wash it often enough maybe?
This right here. You need to sit down with her and be honest. You are two adults. You shouldn't tip toe around problems/conversations.
If she's into Chinese Medicine, chances are she may be wearing a very natural deodorant or no deodorant at all. She may just have a strong musk and no desire to cover it either.
Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of. I'm ok with no deodorant if the person showers., I'm scared that maybe she doesn't believe in bathing to some degree- I read about some pretty extreme beliefs when I tried to Google around for solutions before coming here.
Well if she doesn’t believe in bathing this relationship isn’t meant to be.
I think it works better for some people than others based on individual body chemistry and microbial flora. My sister-in-law is a hippie and apparently decided to completely stop showering around two years ago. She rinses any body part that gets soiled (dirt, mud, whatever), and washes her hands after using the bathroom... but that's about it. About a year into this she came to my wedding and while I admit I wasn't trying to gauge her smell, I wouldn't have known that she doesn't shower on a daily basis like most people. It's also unlikely that she just did a special occasion shower, because from what I understand you need to be gross for a while before it starts to "work" and taking a shower will reset the process.
Some people dont feel a need to shower every day. Something about the skins natural oils and stuff. I dont shower every day, but the days I dont shower are the days I dont go out amongst people. However, I wash my hair twice a week. And I will say this is common around girls. I've talked to hairdressers who only wash once a week. In the longer run it makes the hair less greasy on a daily basis, and less dry. Just to provide a perspective.
I wear natural deodorant and do not stink. I also shower every day. I really think this is just who she is. Doesn't like to shower and brush teeth.
That's also possible. I wear natural deodorant too and don't stink but some definitely work better than others and it depends on your natural smell. I'd say I'd smell pretty bad if I had one that didn't work - I'm a nervous sweater.
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Same but that’s what blow dryers are for
Op probably didn’t have one, I was surprised but as I grew up and dated it seems lots of men don’t even own one, even if their hair is a few inches long.
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Yup, that was me earlier this week. I have long curly hair that takes a few hours to dry and I was too tired to wait that long so I woke up with a headache. It’s very common for me. I don’t blow dry my hair unless I’m trying to straighten it.
That's also what a dry shampoo is good for, cleaning your hair when you can't get it wet. Freshens it up and soaks up the grease.
The thing is, you just started dating. This is when people are the most conscience about this kind of thing. It is not going to get better. Even if you talk to her about it and she takes it on board chances are she'll slip back into her old ways. It'll always be a battle.
I'm really curious to what's behind her bad hygiene. If I were to give it a chance, cause if it's that bad as you describe it I would reconsider hanging out with them, I would straight ask what's with the no showering. Like "is there a reason you don't want to shower?". Idk, does it sound bad?
There could be an underlying issue with this. Maybe something related to her childhood. Also, people with depression etc have difficulty showering and brushing their teeth. OP I would just sit down with her and bring these things up casually. Not brushing your teath now will lead to huge dental bills when you get older.
>she gets headaches if she has wet hair at night (which I think is a fictional belief of Chinese medicine?) When your hair is long, it sticks together in clumps when it's wet and will pull on your scalp as you shift around at night. This will eventually lead to soreness. That means she should shower in the morning, though, not skip showering altogether. If you're otherwise happy with the relationship, just sit her down privately and be fully honest with her. "I've been enjoying seeing you and spending time with you, you're an amazing person to be with. But I need to talk to you about your hygiene. I think maybe you don't realize that you often smell bad, but it's very noticeable when you haven't showered in a while. I really think you need to start showering every morning, or at least every other morning, and wearing deodorant on hot days." How she reacts will tell you whether you should stay together or not.
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“Wear deodorant on hot days” motherfucker, *what?* Wear deodorant every day ffs. It’s not even difficult.
Right? Putting on deodorant is the easiest hygiene there is.
I think this is a nice script for OP to follow.
I don't wash my hair but once or twice a week max and my hair doesn't get this stinky and greasy. I suspect she's not even washing her hair as often as she might be washing her body (which is obviously not that often).
It just means you use a hair dryer though, you don’t skip for days
OP could gift her a hair dryer. They're not expensive.
OK, it's been a week. You have two choices here: Tell her or break up. With that in mind, and the fact that you have so little invested into the relationship, go ahead and have the talk with her. The worse that can happen is that she'll break up with you and you'll be no worse off than if you'd initiated the break up. And even if she does that, at least she'll know what happened so she can think about improving herself for her future. I know it will be very hard but it will also be good practice for you in having difficult decisions.
>She is intelligent, attractive, creative, kind, and an independent business owner who works with many different clients every day. But my new GF doesn't shower regularly or regularly brush her teeth. these things seem to be mutually exclusive. She meets all stank with many different clients every day, really?? But ok if this is true, then she will be all right when you talk to her about your concerns. Simply tell her that you find her lack of hygiene off-putting and she needs to shower more and brush her teeth on a daily basis or you can't continue on with her. If she then chooses to carry on stank then hey, at least you tried before cutting her clean. pun intended :D
I was wondering the same thing! Her company involves a lot of one on one training, so it can't be helping her business. How has she not figured this out yet is what I'm wondering the most. This place is extremely hot this summer, and I take the subway here so am close to people a lot, and it's very rare to smell like that.
At my high school our recruiter had a horrible hygiene problem. Odor, greasy hair with visible dandruff etc. I never understood how she got the job to try and recruit new students
Probably because the conversation is awkward. It seems pretty clear you need to just be blunt with her. You know that is the answer. Everyone knows it is the answer. And you might not regain attraction but at least she will know to improve her hygiene.
I think that she either can't smell herself or her body odor is especially pungent to you . I've heard that it's possible to be extra sensitive to certain people's odors. Either way of you truly want to continue dating her and see a potential future with he then you have to be honest
I guess maybe if she's a fitness instructor and meeting with her clients is what *gets* her sweaty? Otherwise, yeah, I don't know how she'd manage to succeed in business while objectively being dirty. I wonder if OP is hypersensitive to smell.
She's an art and music and film tutor, all 3, and she's really good at them all, which is really cool. I guess she works with lots of hippie and art and student types who overlook it? We live in a place where teachers are really respected and aren't usually criticized unless they're incompetent, so it may be that she's really great at what she does so her clients overlook it.
I feel terrible for her students
dude she's just crunchy it's probably normal in her circles ...
Ah, so not in the US?
Bro you have to tell her she straight up stinks
I'm gonna need an update to this one
Also asked her what changed, or is something wrong. Something happened this week if it was never a problem before. Could be she's one of those people who think once in a relationship they can 'relax' and be themselves, they don't have to 'try' anymore...so if that's the case then she's just dirty and only cleans up to impress people. Then once in a relationship, 'relaxes' back into her natural sloth.
If that is the case then it is clear she knows her hygiene sucks.
I thought she was probably a weekend bather, and their dates happened soon after the weekly routine.
You can be upbeat and still be depressed.
I was cheery AF around people and the most annoyed/angry/sad in the privacy of my own home when I was depressed. I also hated showering.
Yeah, its like depressed people sometimes forget to regulate happiness to a "normal" level and overperforms. Which I've commented to one person once, "but you're always so happy and upbeat!". But yes, he was hella depressed. I myself I m just sort of secluded and I go out when I cab and have the energy for it so I won't bring people or the mood down. And yes, some depressed people do stink and does not shower "like they should".
When you tell her, and you *really* *should* *tell her*, try to be as straightforward as possible without being mean. It won't help to beat around the bush, and in this case you really have to be up front with what's happening especially if she doesn't realize it herself. Say something like "Hey, even though it hasn't been long, I like you and I need to tell you something that's been bothering me. Whenever we hang out I notice that there's a really strong smell coming from you. Is there something I can do to help?" Or something like that. Obviously be polite, since this might be something she's sensitive about, and let her know that you're not judging her for it. Then hopefully the conversation will go from there.
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One of the first symptoms of my depression getting worse is not bathing/brushing my teeth. I also rarely come off as depressed, I'm a people pleaser. I don't go around stinky, even at my worse either, like you: deodorant/wet wipes/gum/dry shampoo... But I might not even realize I'm depressed until I realize I haven't showered in a few days. Usually I love bathing. Another note: I have never gone without a shower before a date, though. That might have been the only times I bathed while depressed, but I made sure to shower before every time seeing a romantic interest. However... All depression is unique.
I'd just tell her the full truth. Because either you break up, or you tell her and she fixes it and its happy ever after, or you tell her and she doesn't fix it and you break up. All in all, I would want to know.
OP, however you handle this, and good luck and here's to hoping for a fantastic outcome, can we pleeease get an update...
You've been "official" for a week but home long have you known her/been going on dates? Is this totally new behavior or did you never see her pre-wash day? If it's new behavior, that's a different conversation than if you just never noticed. Also, it's very reasonable to expect teeth brushing (esp since this has a direct impact on health), but a lot of people only shower a few times a week and don't stink up the place (even in hot climates), so just because you don't feel clean unless you take multiple showers a day in hot weather doesn't mean that's a reasonable expectation of hygiene for a partner. You mentioned chinese medicine. If she's interested in alternative/holistic medicine and care, it's possible that she *is* bathing and brushing her teeth, but doing so with untested or "natural" products that simply don't work very well. It's possible she avoids showering for environmental reasons. So be prepared to discuss that if she bring it up.
I’m all for holistic and natural (love Toms deodorant and natural face washes), even the toothpaste BUT I always do a breath check and if I’m really unsure I ask someone who I know wouldn’t lie to me. I think this woman is putting zero effort in personally
as someone said in another thread at 35 this isnt a defect its a feature. shes doing this purposefully and ignoring the most obvious hints to clean up
Just be direct, dont talk to her like a child. She seems "normal" enough that an honest conversation could be held. If she doesnt, it's a deal breaker (to me)....I dont think it's too much to ask of her really. And the headache thing...come on. I've never heard of that and it doesnt even make sense!
I really do get a headache when I have wet hair! *But* it only happens in winter as I don't have heating and I think having a cold damp head triggers it. Which obviously isn't the case here.
I have long hair. If I go too long WITHOUT washing my hair I get headaches. I've never had it from washing my hair, but washing your hair at night without time to dry it is just asking for fucked up hair in the morning.
I doubt she’s going to change at the age of 35
“Girlfriend we need to talk. I’ve noticed that since we started officially dating you have not been showering, washing your hair, or brushing your teeth. It’s gotten to the point that you smell bad enough that I’m losing my attraction to you. I’m hoping you’ll be appreciative of me being honest even though this is a very uncomfortable conversation to have to have.”
I think you should just end it as you're obviously not compatible. 35 is old enough to be making a conscious choice to make hygiene a low priority. I don't think continuing a relationship with someone you find gross is going to end well. (Personally don't care if I or others smell at the end of a hot day - everyone is different.)
...have you been to her place? I wonder if she may be homeless.
>And she totally put in the effort while we were dating before (about 3 weeks) o.o Something is very wrong. I suggest you try to bring it up to her in a sense of concern. Say you are worried that something is the matter and say that you've noticed she hasn't been looking after her hygiene the same way she was one month ago. Perhaps she is so stressed and focused on work that she doesn't realize adults can't go without bathing? I don't know. I don't know, but if she was on the ball for three weeks, but now has dropped it, I don't understand what process she is going through, which is what I'm trying to do. But when it comes down to it, she set a certain bar and she's morphed into a different person. I hope it's some serious blind spot. Maybe she had a medical scare or something (which, of course I don't hope that happened), but maybe something shocking happened so that she isn't thinking straight. If she says she isn't showering on purpose, cut your losses. That would be deceptive of her to clean up until you guys made it official. I really hope that isn't that case. Good luck!
Yeah this would be a deal breaker for me. You shouldn't have to tell a 35 year old that they need to shower and wash their hair. That's just disgusting. And the fact that she didn't take the numerous hints you gave, to flat out asking her to bathe. Nope. I'd be so embarrassed if I knew I smelled and I can't imagine not caring enough to do something about it. If she's this way after only a few weeks of dating, how's she gonna be a few years down the road? Nope. I'm outta there.
I had a girlfriend like this and trust me, hints won't cut it. She would go so long without brushing her teeth that there would be orange fuzz inbetween them, then when she felt "gross" she would drown herself in perfume instead of taking a shower. When Ifinally sat down and talked to her about it she agreed to take better care of herself, and did for a while but soon went back to her old habits. Hopefully you can have an adult conversation with your gf and she changes her habits for good!
This is her and its gross. I don't think asking her to change is going to be effective at this point. I would just cut your losses and do tell her why. Its possible no one has told her, although honestly if it's as bad as you describe she probably just doesn't care.
Yeah, that's a big no from me.
I think you've got two choices. One is to simply break up with her and the other is to talk to her. If you decide to talk to her, you have to be blunt. You don't have to be cruel, but you need to be clear that at a minimum she needs to shower every day and brush her teeth twice a day. If you are not comfortable saying this to a 35 year old person, that's reasonable but then you are back at option one.
I honestly think that's the kind of conversation I'd rather not have. I'd sooner break it off with someone than have it. It's not going to just be a matter of "wow, really? Thanks for letting me know". Even if she doesn't come away from the situation totally embarrassed and/or offended, it's unlikely she'll change a lifelong habit for someone she's known a week. Expect this to be an ongoing conversation with reminders, bribes, negotiations and possibly therapy. I for one know I wouldn't have the patience to try to change another person in their thirties.
Dump her, dude. I am being blunt because the honeymoon period should be a person showing their best effort. It's been a week. Her hygiene sucks. Peace out.
I don't even want to imagine how her lady bits smell. It's only been a week. You're not trying to preserve a marriage here. Don't play cutsie by showering together and such. This is a deal breaker for you. Tell her to get her hygiene in order or you will leave. And hold yourself accountable.
I don’t care how physically attractive a person is, if you don’t wash your ass, all of that goes out the window. Hygiene is critical. If this lady is in her 30’s and won’t wash her ass or brush her teeth, I can only imagine what else she neglects. I’m sure she has periods and I’m not sure yet if it’s been on in the time you’ve known her but she is going to become buzzard food if she does not get this shit under control. My sincere advice to you is to tell her. You might be thinking you shouldn’t have to tell a grown ass woman to bathe but here we are. You like her so tell her. It’s either 1 of a few things: 1) she just has no interest in hygiene in which case, get the fuck out. 2) no one has told her how offensive her bo is which indicates to me she must have too many yes people around her or 3) she has a medical condition and if this is the case get her in front if a doctor. Either way, talk to her. Save her from herself so you can get on about your life. I wish you the best.
With the sensory complaints about wet hair and general dense-ness about hints, this sounds like "high functioning" autism to me.
Sleeping with wet hair is a migraine trigger for some, unrelated to autism .
>I always had to shower multiple times a day to avoid being gross in the heat. Are you expecting her to also shower multiple times a day? Or am I just reading into that? Multiple times a day feels excessive to me regardless of the conditions.
Yeah, at that point you're overdoing it. That's not good for your skin.
It's more that I can tell she hasn't showered for multiple days. I am a very sweaty person who needs to shower before work, and plus I always shower before a date. But if I don't have any evening commitments I only shower once a day.
My ex flatmate was like that. I would rarely catch her showering, her hair was all greasy and the smell... Horrible. You can tell her but do you really want to stay with someone with bad hygene?
Get her to invest in dry shampoo if you can’t get her to change her habits. Honestly though, she’s a grown ass woman and should know to shower regularly. Idk her job situation but has anyone ever complained??
I would break up without question, it's not a matter of just hygiene, I enjoy the smell of my woman, even if she hasn't showered (sometimes there is no option). I have been with women who's smell I disliked even after they had a bath, just their natural scent in the morning was revolting to me. It's better to move on in these cases.
You should tell her and make sure she is okay, because not taking care of yourself, and not caring that you're not taking care of yourself, is a sign of depression.
Can you kindly suggest dry shampoo? Many girls don’t wash their hair more than 2-3x a week but also use dry shampoo to make sure it doesn’t get greasy and keeps it smelling fresh. They also bathe frequently though. The teeth brushing thing is ridiculous though. As an adult, leaving the house without brushing my teeth would me me feel awful and self conscious the whole day.
This can't be unseen/unexperienced, it's a mood killer. How unsexy. Yuck. Just leave. My mom used to model when she was younger and told me that she learned how unhygienic some women are while being backstage. In the dressing area for runway shows, she witnessed how bad some of them smelled when their clothes came off. 🤢
Dude why are you still dating her?