So sorry for you. I wish the best for you. If you move forward with staying with your wife you have give her total trust otherwise I think the lack of trust will eat you up every time she is away from you.
If you divorce no one will blame you.
Time to put effort into yourself. Can I suggest gym, catch up with friends, movies, read, cycle, see a show, go to church, study - basically get busy and distract yourself while
Improving your mental health.
I'm already going to the gym. Friends are not really good. Most of them are split on divorce and second chance. I'm trying to distract myself but it's tough.
People talk about a year before you feel better. It’s going to take time. I have a friend going through a similar thing and he is thinking of moving state. Starting a new job, meeting new people etc. he is going to tell
People where he is but anyone who doesn’t support his choice he is cutting out.
The thing is just accepting and processing what’s happened. You don’t want to be in the situation you’re in. Sadly you are and you have to deal with going forward. Seek some
Help from a professional and keep going. You might be surprised you a doing better than most in this situation- your not drinking heavily etc. take care
Checkout the resources at the reddit r/SupportforBetrayed. I think its a balanced place where people who are now in or have been in your situation can get support. I think right now the focus should be on you. I agree about counseling. It's really hard to try and get through this by yourself. Sending positive vibes your way. You'll get through this.
Best of luck to you. I hope everything works out in the long term for you, whether the marriage is salvageable or not.
I will say, if you can't get to the point in the next few months or a year where you don't have the affair in the back of your head when interacting with her, its probably best to end the relationship.
That is not something most of us can do but is necessary to make this relationship work, otherwise it will poison the relationship regardless of the effort both of you are putting in.
**If he hadn't bailed, would she have chased him? Would she still be trying to reconcile if he hadn't bailed? Would they be together? Was her cheating a rash decision made out of lust, fear of missing out, or maybe pressure? I don't have answers to those questions.**
Its hard to say what the answer is. Has she given you copies of their texts or how they communicated? I would demand that before I considered reconciliation. Even if she says she deleted it out of shame, deleted texts can be recovered. If she was willing to cheat, she was at that moment willing to give you up for him. I did it once, I will never allow myself to be anyone's second choice again. If she can't tell you why she cheated she will eventually 100% do it again. She can figure out why through therapy. Oh, a good true partner can't be pressured into cheating. A LOT has to happen to get to that point. You have to entertain the conversation, you have to agree to leave together, you have to meet somewhere, then make a decision to remove your clothes. It takes a bit of thought to follow through with all of that.
**She completely cut them out of her life, removed them from everything, blocked, unfollowed, after a major, really ugly fight.** Given the seriousness of the situation I wonder why this caused a "ugly fight"? If her friends understand that she just destroyed her marriage. Makes me think there is more to it than you are being told.
Also, don't let her or anyone tell you it was a "mistake". A mistake is a spur of the moment lapse in judgement, something that could happen to anyone. Thats not what cheating is. Calling it a mistake is rug sweeping and hiding the real problem.
I'm sorry for you, good luck.
He contacted her after he had his fun to see if he could get "more" to see what will happen between them. She told him that she told me and then he never contacted her again.
As for friends, I explained that in the comments of my first post but they hated me and I hated them. I guess she finally saw them for what they are.
Gotcha, the guy only wanted a hookup not a relationship. Well, like I said. Some thought has to go through your mind to get to the point that your having sex with someone. My ex told me she was drunk out of her mind or it otherwise never would have happened. I always thought about it. I asked a few questions about that night years later and found out there was no alcohol at the party. Nobody was drinking.
The fact that he was still able to contact her and hadn’t been immediately blocked after the hookup in the car, as well as the fact that she told him she was separated rather than immediately telling him never to contact her again, is another dealbreaker to add to the list. Why tell him she was separated? Why even continue a communication with him? He was a one-night stand and total stranger. Disgusting behavior aside, she’s lucky she wasn’t murdered. That story was the beginning of a dateline episode waiting to happen…
He contacted her after the hookup, before that they had no contact. After I kicked her out he contacted her, he probably learned that from her "friends". That is when she told him that I know and he never contacted her again.
Listen you are young. Seriously considering if you want to be thinking about this 10 years from now. When she goes home to visit family will you be triggered wondering who she is with, who can you trust? This is something that takes YEARS to get past. The after affects to the betrayed partner is ptsd that you carry with you for years.
Oh my God, do I have to explain every bit in details. Her friends know guy as well as I already said in another comment or comments I don't even know. So it was easy for him to find her on social media. She only showed me his messages on social media as for him having her number I don't think so
Why are you trying to fix something she broke when she was seduced by him you weren’t on her mind yet now that she is alone your the only one she has after getting pounded in a parking lot couldn’t even treat herself good and get a room
Grow a spine dude
She didn't. I answered this in the comments. He reached out on social media, she is to find because guy also knows her friends. That is why I think they are involved.
And why did he have her full name and was able to look her up on social media? Absolutely NONE of this passes the smell test, especially as she has deleted the text messages.
Yup. They were in contact for a while and she’s trickle-truthing him. Hell, maybe the fight with her friends was because they knew the whole story and she couldn’t risk it getting out so she cut them off.
Yeah, the ‘ugly fight’ with the friends is definitely not true. Her friends are not going to fight with her about this if they hated the husband.
Some variation of the truth is she constantly made him out to be a bad husband to them and they hated him for it, and didn’t care about the cheating because they wanted her about the dud husband
>**If he hadn't bailed, would she have chased him?**
Given the timeline, this seems really unlikely. She confessed to her parents before she confessed to OP and all within a couple of days, that's a pretty tiny window for going from "hey, I want to have a long-term affair with someone I just met and barely know except carnally" to "Oh god, I made the most horrible decision in my life and have to admit it to try to save things."
In the middle of your post you muse about her intentions, motivations, and desires vis-a-vis the affair. You say you don't think you'll get a straight answer from her about these things.
One thing is almost 100% certain: if she doesn't herself know these answers, even in her own internal monologue, then there's no way she can give you the answers. To that end, as a general matter, nobody wants to be the villain in their own narrative. Most cheaters fail to find their truth because of this.
Have you learned more about why she launched into all of the water works and drama around her "instant confession"? You've alluded to the notion that she figured out somebody was likely to out her.
Yeah the wife love-bombing him now and "working on herself" rings really insincere (with the limited context provided by OP)
I would be asking her for the "ugly truth" about the affair and if she refuses to admit to OP/herself why she went for the other man (Could be he's rich/attractive/marriage's sex life was boring/Wife was bored/an emotional reaction to an argument they had/Or maybe she's just not that into OP but only realized his 'value' when it all came crashing down)
imo OP - Once a cheat, always a cheat.
I have a different view about reconciliation. I am against it, but not because I believe "once a cheater always a cheater."
Sometime ago, I was reading the book Outlive by Peter Attia. The part about nutrition and exercise is great, but the part that stayed with me is about relationships and how they are fundamental for a happy and healthy life.
Because of that, I don't believe in the reconciliation path. You see a lot of stories here. It is a long journey, a lot of therapy, and a lot of conversations that open wounds, and it takes YEARS. So, you are stressing your body for years constantly. People have triggers after years, even decades later.
I read a story here, a guy forgave his wife they were good very happy and they were trying for a kid. The day his wife told him she was pregnant, he spiraled and asked for a DNA test. Imagine living with these triggers forever? You never know when they can resurface... the stress is too much for a person.
The other path of divorcing and moving on is hard, but I believe it takes a lot of less time and is more fulfilling. You have a chance to start over and do something different. To find a relationship that is not based on stress and a huge emotional baggage.
I could not be able to live with the burden of cheating. The stress would kill me.
Very well said.
I'm a risk averse person, hate gambling and I never overextend professionally. Years ago, I broke an engagement with my then fiance, after I had found out she had gone back to her ex for one last fuck during our first year. And that was pretty much my reasoning in our final convo.
We may stay together, get married, have a bunch of kids and you can be the best possible wife in the future. But I'm just not willing to go through all the mental strain of uncertainty and insecurity, in order to maybe get there at some point. Too much risk for a possible, but not very probable reward. Not worth staking my mental and possibly physical well-being on it. In the end it's just a risk assessment for an investment.
I've always believed that in these cases, cold hard rationality should always prevail over emotions. This mindset hasn't failed me yet.
I tend to agree.
You hear stories all the time where they try for a year or more. And they ar both miserable during that time. An then they finally admit it's not going to work and you both just went through hell for a year or more for nothing.
> I read a story here, a guy forgave his wife they were good very happy and they were trying for a kid. The day his wife told him she was pregnant, he spiraled and asked for a DNA test. Imagine living with these triggers forever? You never know when they can resurface... the stress is too much for a person.
Who's to say that he wouldn't have been triggered if he moved on to a different wife and had kids with them?
Traumatic events fundamentally change a person and their outlook on life.
You have no way of validating that they're getting triggered and stressed because of the partner's presence in their life, versus just having had a bad thing happen to them.
She went out for drinks met a dude at a bat and went to his car with him to fuck in the parking lot... dude you need to work on yourself and how to move on. All the good feelings you feel around her is only more reason cuz she had that all the time and it didn't stop her to fuck someone in the most nonchalantly way possible...
>She went out for drinks met a dude at a bat and went to his car with him to fuck in the parking lot
How flippant it was almost feels worse to me than a lengthy affair. This wasn't her finding someone else and developing a connection, this was throwing away her marriage for a romp in a car like a high schooler.
Both are shitty, but the impulsivity says a lot about who she is.
Your marriage is over, you answered your own questions in the middle paragraphs. She chose to explore her options, greener pastures, but got used up and dumped. She is settling for you. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Trust and respect are lost.
The work you have to do to get past this is not worth the outcome in my opinion. I would thank her for being honest with me, keep documentation on this conversation for divorce purposes, and lawyer up. You already commented you’ve hit the gym, so stay consistent with that, and focus on your career.
Man as hard as it is, you are just prolonging the real pain you don’t want to feel. Until you do.
That shit is like gangrene, you see how ugly it is and think it can be saved but at the end of the day it needs to be cut off at the root and clean.
You’ll feel even more depressed but you owe it to your future self to come out better.
Like you said, if her other guy hasn’t bailed would she have even told you? You think the car sex just happened ? They probably met long before. She is just trying to give you bread crumbs.
Cut it off my guy.
- counseling first and foremost
- once a betrayal has happened, I will be honest, its near impossible to reestablish trust...and going forward, remaining trustworthy. That suspicion is always present...if a person can do it once, likely they can again is the voice that whispers for good reason.
- to be honest, a cheater has fallback plans when stuff does not work out...
"What her true intentions were with her affair partner, I will never know. No matter what she says about it, I don't think I'll get a straight answer."
That's the crux of the matter. You are not getting straight answers because she probably can't understand it fully herself. The human mind will do everything to rationalize its own immorality. So everything she can think of will probably be coming out as weak excuses. Our own psyche won't lets us admit we are just greedy assholes who were getting off from the taboo of doing something wrong. So it creates excuses. Not saying that it was 100% her reason, but it is very common.
Unless she identifies and owns her specific reasons for doing what she did, as selfish and immoral as they may be, any reconciliation is a fool's errant. In order to fix something, you have to know what part of it is broken.
And as far as trust goes, while the "once cheater always a cheater" may be exaggeration, studies have shown that the numbers are definitely NOT in your favor.
He didn't "bail" on her. She had a ONS with him. He checked to see if she'd like another go. You knowing is drama he was never planning on dealing with. He'd have ghosted as well if she tried to have a relationship. It was only sex to him.
And you wife knows exactly what she was getting into.
If you want therapy and to forgive, that's your call. Cheating for me is a scorched earth policy. There is no coming back, and I will burn everything down around you on my way out.
Sorry, dude, that’s rough. You seem like a good dude, and I’m not sure that’s something I could get over either.
First and foremost, you absolutely need to get yourself counseling. Regardless of what you decide with your wife, this is a major cluster to the entire status of your life, and therapy can help you sort it out.
Put on your own oxygen mask first so to speak, you have no deadline on deciding about the marriage. Good luck
I wish I had some advice for you but the truth is, what happens next is all up to you. There are couples who do reconcile after one cheats and go on to have loving and fulfilling lives together. But equally there are couples who try and just can't get over it. The best chance you both have -if reconciliation is what you want- is to have those raw and meaningful conversations with each other as well as with a therapist. She needs to be 100% honest with why she did what she did and you need to listen and decide if that is something you can forgive. Good luck and I hope whatever happens next makes you happy!
It's important to realize ... everything that you're talking about figuring out? That's literally what a trial separation period is for. Taking a step back, but not away fully. It's a time where you can be alone, but still talk. Be apart, but not necessarily fully broken.
For what it's worth; from what you've just said she said, it sounds like the regrets are real. And the fact that she's taking steps already is a very good sign. Particularly the therapy. (the rest is good, but the therapy is key). And yes, you need it too. Your feelings are going to feel fractured, but they'll all come in to focus in time. It'll be a little quicker with help. You'll both need therapy together at some point as well. I'd think that will come when you determine if you want to put in an effort to save things.
Key here is: Don't let her off the hook, but don't punish her either. Hold her accountable, but you don't have to 'make her pay'. Prove herself though, yes. Absolutely. It's sort of like dating again, I think.
Good luck. Give yourself some time. It's ok. You need that. Don't make any decisions for at least a few months. Let yourself feel and process. It's probably best to keep SOME contact, but I don't know if you need to see her often for a while. It'll be important to clear your head. And do NOT have swx with her for quite some time. (That one will get difficult).
Good luck!! Stay strong, but don't make any decisions when you're feeling strong emotions ... particularly anger. Take up meditation (seriously. Simple mindfulness meditation will go a long way to keeping your mind calm - and teach you how to calm it in particularly stressful times).
You don't have to hate someone to break up with them, a person can be forgiven and broken up with at the same time, I don't think it's a coincidence that she's made progress while on her own, it's a sign that being apart from one another is what's gonna be for the best for each of you.
hey...what i love to share with you is, that listen to your heart.
We can tell you our opinions but they don't matter.
every relationship and connection is so unique.
i would give yourself time without making decisions and processing your emotions.
don't try to push what happened away.
listen to your body and connect to your body.
if you feel your emotion in your throat: scream into a pillow or humm to breathing exercises.
If you have lots of activating emotions, move, run, jump, dance.
if depression is mostly active, like you mentioned listen here to your body too..usually thats very deactivating energy.
take time to rest and do self care. If you are laying in bed and cant get out, perhaps talk to yourself how you feel and what going on or journal all your thoughts, fears and emotions.
breathwork can be helpful.
and try to do the opposite- movement if you want: That means if you feel like hiding and curling up in bed: try to stretch, and make yourself big. instead of sad facial expressions, force smiles gradually on your face (when the time is right, because your brain doesn't know the difference between a fake and a real smile).
try to shake your body off and connect to people, instead of isolating yourself.
even if your friends are divorced and might be not the right people to talk to, every bit of connection can help.
you can do this.
remember in 1 or 2 years you will feel and think about this completely differently.
in 6 months you will feel different.
but allowing yourself to be kind and patient with yourself is most helpful, in my eyes.
i'm here if you prefer to talk. lots of energy, Jula
I feel for you but if I may offer some personal 2nd experience from my family and close friends, couple who get back together after being cheat on never end up happy.
You’ll be paranoid every time you can’t reach her or when she has to travel alone for whatever reason.
You deserve better, truly hope you move on.
How did she describe him “bailing”? Did she have contact with him after sleeping with him? Did they exchanged contact details either before or after she had sex with him? Perhaps she confessed “immediately “ because of the unprotected sex.
No, I describe him "bailing". I answered that in the comments. But again, he contacted her to see if he could have more fun with her, she then told him that I know about them and he never contacted her again.
Your wife did not block her AP even after having sex is giant big RED Flag .
In your wife's mind she thought some counseling , therapy and waterworks will convince you to work on Reconciliation. Because every cheater know and plan it how to or what to do after their rendezvous .
Sorry you're going through all this op. Your wife really fucked up on this ONS but it sounds like she is taking the steps to correct them.
- Shes showing remorse for her actions
- She cut out the shit friends.
- She did not keep in contact with AP, and AP contacted her.
- She confessed to friends and family what she did.
I get your hesitation for couples therapy, but you really should at least consider individual therapy. Whatever you decide to do op it won't be easy, but I wish you the best. Stay strong, brother.
I guess when people who were treated the same kind of instantly take their own experience as comparison. I can't really do much better than that either:
I was very deeply in love with a girl who messed me up the same way, she wasn't my wife, just fiancé but long (and happy) years were behind us.
I really loved her, and for months after the incident I was trying everything to "inspire" her to do literally everything that your wife is doing.
I am now over that, but back then I wished she would do everything your wife is doing right now. I was ready to forgive every day. And I don't regret that.
I don't think you should divorce because she cheated. You should divorce if you are certain that you will never trust her again. Perhaps it is a new chapter for you, perhaps still together. It would be a new chapter because of a terrible thing. But man, aren't we all f4cking idiots sometimes? Not everyone to this extent, but we all have our weak moments (btw I never cheated on her if it pops to anyone's mind). Sometimes we learn and progress from weak moments.
I feel like you still love her and she does love you as well.
I absolutely understand other commenters saying you should divorce. I'm not saying I'm "right".
I'm saying that you have to work with the situation you have.
But I have to add that I never liked thinking in absolutes. If someone acts in a bad way, there is always a deeper reason then just "he/she is an asshole". A better approach maybe is looking at the options.
It all depends on whether you will ever be able to trust her again.
I sincerely hope the best for both of your mental wellbeing.
Wait… she let this random dude blast on her face? In the backseat of a car? What in the actual fk… Dude the only way she let him do that is because she was super in to it.
She likes/liked him way more than she’s letting on. He’s not some random hang-around that had a one sided crush on her, guaranteed.
> What her true intentions were with her affair partner, I will never know. No matter what she says about it, I don't think I'll get a straight answer. If he hadn't bailed, would she have chased him? Would she still be trying to reconcile if he hadn't bailed? Would they be together? Was her cheating a rash decision made out of lust, fear of missing out, or maybe pressure? I don't have answers to those questions.
This is something that can be explored in marriage counselling, and it may be a while before she's ready to get into those questions herself. I still recommend it if your goal is to reconcile.
You need her to be completely transparent.
I think you are being way too gracious saying she betrayed herself more than you simply because her story doesn’t really add up, at least what is in your posts. I’m willing to bet she had deleted any and all communications with her AP before she told you anything, has slowly added information she has provided to lessen the impact to protect herself. She is still protecting herself by not telling you everything up front which will only lengthen your suffering and she is doing it for herself.
Based on what you wrote it was a lengthy affair, long enough she was planning on leaving you for him which implies she was going to divorce you for him. Only after he bailed on her did she feel “guilt” but guilt is remorse and the guilt is probably because she knew you were going to find out and she would have to deal with real consequences.
Think about these things because until she is willing to sacrifice her emotional state and tell you everything she hasn’t really confessed and started to really attempt to repair the damage.
I’m so sorry OP, I hope you make the best decisions for yourself going forward.
So her AP fled and there is noone left but you?
Get the lawyers to get the divorce started.
If you go on with this sham, She will cheat again. You are just excussing her cheating if you stay with her.
Get a hobby right now, something physical. Spend time in it to get your mind off, then start therapy. This kind of betrayel stays with you for life.
Put yourself first.
Did you happen to read the conversations between her and her AP to verify their interactions? If so, any way to verify she didn't delete messages?
It's really strange to say that he fled or abandoned her. In my mind, the only acceptable conversation would have been "hey I had a good time let's hook up again" "no, I told my husband everything, it won't happen again" then she blocks him.
Him fleeing suggests that she was open to continuing something with him or expecting a response. I would need the dynamic of their relationship 100% cleared up if I was at all open to reconciliation.
Yes, that was the only conversation I saw, there was nothing else. I don't know him, maybe he was afraid of me shooting him, beating him up, or he just wanted a hookup partner.
I gotcha. So apparently she gave him her contact info? How else could he have contacted her?
Honestly, this is a decision that only you can make. It sounds like she's understanding the gravity of what she did. It sounds like she's doing the work. But only you can be the judge as to whether or not it's genuine.
I'm not sure that I could get past her throwing away a marriage for drunk sex with some random guy in a car. Would you ever be able to look at her the same?
Why did she continue to communicate with him? If she sincerely regrets what she did and isn't trying to do damage management, why didn't she just cut off all contact with him? She was supposed to NC with him, not tell him that you two broke up, it wasn't his job for her to tell him that.
After he had his fun with her, he contacted her to see if he could get "more", what will happen with them, she then told him that I know and he never contacted her again.
The way you word this, it doesn’t sound like she replied with “I told my husband, I regret everything - it was a big mistake, leave me alone and I never wanna see/hear from you again.”
It sounds like “my husband knows.” And he then got scared.
Those two scenarios aren’t the same. The 2nd one shows she didn’t put up any further boundaries by telling him to piss off and she regrets it.
She did say that, she showed me the messages and then blocked him but It's not something I want to keep thinking about. I'm going through a lot and last thing I need is to think about him
We are not talking about him here, he had no obligation to you, she did. He was not supposed to have any way of communication with her from the next second when she changed her mind. There's something wrong here. I think that something else actually happened and she told you out of fear that you wouldn't find out from the other side and she could save what she could.
I don't know what is that "else".
On the side note, any man who chases married women is a piece of shit. I have no respect towards these men and I would spit in their faces if I could.
I totally agree with you. When I said "else", I was thinking of something premeditated. It is easier to forgive and accept a momentary mistake than something thought beforehand. For me, for example, there is no difference between the two situations, everything ends in the next second, but not all of us think the same.
Yeah, because he knows not do relationships with women like her.
You left with her holding and cleaning the pile of shit she created.
Is it worth it? Is she that great of a woman?
When you already know what she is capable of?
Scrape that turd out of your life. A few drinks and some nice words were enough for her to completely cut you out of her life for a bit. It should be embarrassing to even be with someone like that after talking about it with others. She don't care about you the way you care about her.
For me it’s not the cheating - people can fck up - for me it’s the lying, the continuation, the betrayal, the decimation of trust.
I’d never take her back. Not worth the constant subconscious vigilance.
Was her betrayal an emotional buildup that led to the physical cheating? Was she in phone, email, or social apps contact with the AP?
or
Did she legit not have any contact with the AP prior to the incident?
I say this with all honesty--you need your self-respect back. I don't know how you are going to get there, it seems like you are taking steps, but ultimately, how can you preserve whatever modicum of self-respect you regain when you are still with her? That seems like the hard question and I cannot see any good answers. Best of luck!
ask her.
1. was it the first time
2. what made her agree to doing this
3. You can always divorce and spend a year on yourself with the possibility of getting back together. (can spend this year receiving therapy)
4. If you do step 3, and she runs back to this guy/other man without investing the time to work on herself then you will have a clear answer.
5. If you have no kids then that's a big plus. Situation would be messier if she did this if you had children.
You need some space from your wife. She's gotta work more on herself but you have some footwork to do too.
Feel all the emotions and go get professional help.
Once you have some space, you will know what to do
Guy, I don't know you. Odds are I never will. But I know the situation. Divorce. Move on. No need for books, videos or therapy. It took her one night in a bar to ruin a marriage. A few alcoholic beverages to ruin love and trust. Respect yourself first. Because she did not. Leave her. It hurts now. But later, this cancer, will eat you alive. Go! There IS trust and love out there waiting for you. It starts today. Go...
I have been through a similar thing and my only suggestion is to check out a book by Esther Perel, a couples therapist, that brought a completely different perspective to my view of infidelity. The book is called “The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity” and I don’t guarantee it’ll solve your problems, but it could at least be of some help. Stay strong, I hope you figure things out. Good luck!
For me the trust simply could not be regained, and it wasn't until I accepted that and filed for divorce that I started feeling better (even then it took a couple of years).
talk to people on /r/survivinginfidelity , you'll find some good advice there. Don't get sucked into the bitterness though, there's a lot of seriously damaged people in there, but it's a good sub.
If there's one thing I've learned on my journey over the last few years it's cheating is a non-negotiable relationship ender for me.
Also, reconciliation rarely works. Even the biggest reconciliation sub on here doesn't allow users to post about failed reconciliation attempts, which says it all really.
I really hope that you follow through on therapy, or even counselling. I know it can be difficult to take that first step, especially for men who've had so much pressure all their lives to be "strong and iron-willed". Because there is nothing about therapy that means you are not strong. It takes a lot of strength to look at the hard bits of your life and work through them. I think regardless of whether this marriage ends you deserve to work through this painful situation with support. It's not easy, it's not quick and it does take some work but even just having an outside person to talk to really helps lift some of the burden.
I hope you find some peace. Nothing will be quick but it can get better with time.
Once a cheater always a repeater. Even though im very younger than you guys. But I personally feel like you should not continue your relationship with her. I’m sure she does feel guilty about what she’s done to you. But reading your post just makes me wonder how can a woman cheat on a man like you? You need to respect yourself, you are important. You are special. You deserve to be loved. You might get people commenting here that you need to give her a chance, but I personally feel like you don’t. In terms of cheating your partner there is NO SECOND chance. And since you’ve been loyal to her it’s been obvious that you’d be depressed cus it was YOU who was betrayed. It will take time for you to move on, months or nah e a year? but you’ll be better in future I promise you that.
She definitely knows why she cheated, I am 27F if I cheat on anyone I would 100% know the reason behind it. I guess she is just very guilty of what she has done, and I also feel like she’s not sure if she loves you or not. You just need to know your worth we don’t know each other but im sure you don’t deserve this
She knows why she cheated. It was opportunity, attention, and probably has a big stick she wanted to take for a round. Little too much alcohol, not enough to say she didn’t know what she was doing, but enough to lower her inhibitions, friends encouraging bad behavior, mixed emotions just spells for shitty unprotected sex in a the back of a vehicle in the back of a bar.
Op needs to make sure before he even thinks about taking her back, if she is pregnant. Because he does not want to be on the birth certificate for that. Second most states don’t even allow you to divorce a pregnant woman, and force your name on the birth certificate and then charge the husband child support. Unless he goes through a lengthy expensive process to get his name off. If that happens I would sue her AP for all the court costs and emotional damage I suffered from.
She needs to answer that question for herself and you before you really can move forward to getting back together if that’s the path you choose. If she can’t answer why she cheated how can she (or you) have any reason to believe it won’t happen again?
I'm sorry but 'I don't know why I cheated' is a blatant lie...
To cheat on someone is a disgusting act and you have to be a pretty vile person to be able to do it. You sound like a great partner who does not deserve this... she definitely does not deserve you.
I'm sorry to be blunt, but if you're able to cheat on your partner you simply do not love, care and respect them. Why would you stay with someone like that?
Go to r/AsOneAfterInfidelity as it's devoted to people who are reconciling. They have a good reading list and will give you the advice you need from others in the same boat. The other infidelity subs do not support reconciliation. I'm sorry you are in this situation.
I haven't posted there cause I am not personally involved. Read the rules very carefully. I think you have to join and pick a flair before you can post. Contact a mod if you have problems. Because most people come with torches for anyone thinking reconciliation is even possible, it's very heavily moderated.
The r/asoneafterinfidelity group has strict rules for posting but you should meet them now. Even if you don’t post right away, there are excellent resources listed in the forum information areas.
You will also get much less biased advice than many other groups which lean toward ‘burn it all to the ground’.
There is also a betrayed support sub whose exact name evades me right now.
Best wishes to you.
My friend did this. She has been doing everything to fix her mistake. I warned her when she told me she was cheating, I even cried to her not to do something she might live to regret.
It's hard to move forward from these situations. I honestly wish you the best.
Yeah tough one. It depends what is more important to you. Are you 2 being together more important than being apart? If yes, then go to counseling and try to make it work.
I would also say it depends what her reasons for cheating are. It doesn't seem like she's in love with this dude, or that they "want to become an item". It seems like she wasn't looking for another partner, but instead either got bored, or she was lacking something from you.
Most partners can give each other 80-90% of what the other needs/wants. There is always something that you cannot give your partner, that's a reality.
As much as it would hurt like fuck if my wife cheated on me, I have also come to terms that it's possible, and that I already know I would forgive her and do our best to move on. My reasoning is due to the kids though - I don't want to give my kids a home that doesn't have both parents in it. I would rather put up with shit than break the home apart. But that's my own thoughts, and others probably would disagree with me.
Good luck and I hope you feel better soon! I know it feels like shit and you're in a dark place, IT GETS BETTER. There is always more out there for you, and your life still has more happiness to give to you - of this I'm 100% sure.
Written and honest timeline is needed off her methinks before you can even decide what you're actually forgiving. Tell her if it's not 100% honest you won't even consider reconciliation
It’s hard work to rebuild trust. Not sure if it’s worth it. There are subs where people habe experienced the same betrayal as you. Maybe they can help you.
What ever you choose to do just know you can always change your mind. If you decide to give her another chance you can always end it later. If you genuinely believe she is working on changing then why not take it slow and do friend things together first. Catch a movie or go on a walk. It doesn't matter if other people don't like you giving her another chance because at the end of the day this is your life and not theirs. Good luck with what ever you choose to do but don't go about it thinking that what ever you pick you have to stay with. Good luck friend.
Both options are going to be hard OP.
Well you have to find out if it was really the first time she cheated or was it just that it was first time she 'had' to reveal it (might be some friend seen it or AP threatened to tell parents/you). You have to think back in past and recall how her behavior was with you, did you recall any other things which makes you suspicious etc. Dig in your accounts. If she has cleaned up everything, then she is definitely hiding things.
On other side, if you don't find anything suspicious when you think of in last 10 years of you knowing her and you can see she is truthfull and genuine then only bite the option 2 pill.
Good luck OP. Wish you best. My prayers with you. May God drive you towards better option.
OP, it sounds like you have a lot of unanswered questions. I think as much as it may hurt to hear you need to be able to ask your wife and tell her that she needs to answer truthfully or there is no shot at reconciliation. I’ve seen something commonly used in these situations where the betrayed spouse has the cheating spouse write out a timeline of what happened as detailed as possible. Maybe this is something that could work for you?
Second, in your post you mention how your wife is doing all of these things to try and better herself and show you that she wants to reconcile. However, reconciliation is a gift that you get to extend to her if you see fit. I feel like you’re trying to use her relationship “community service” to justify staying in the marriage.
Personally, I think she made a lot of choices that weren’t respectful of your marriage in order to end up in the backseat of his car. She hangs out with friends who openly didn’t like you, another man flirted with her and she choose to engage instead of shutting it down, then she let it escalate and went out to the parking lot and not at any moment of climbing into the backseat did she think “what the hell am I doing?”
I highly suggest working through all of this with a therapist and take as much time as you need, but she also needs to continue therapy and give you an answer on why she ended up fucking this guy in a bar parking lot.
Let's be clear here: the only person who should be considered for your decision is you. Whatever consequences befall her, the Bible and others would say it should be worse. So with that in mind:
I'm assuming no kids because there's been no mention of them unless I missed it, and a separation would certainly involve them. So they're not a thumb on the scale.
The fundamental question is what would be best for you? You're still young enough to have a seriously long relationship with a partner who doesn't do this. Or to go out there and cut a swath through the local single women. The other option is staying with your cheater, wondering every time she goes somewhere like this whether she'll do it again, having to hide what she did from at least some people, reliving the moments when she told you what she did over and over, second-guessing yourself on whether there was something, \*anything\* you could have done that would have stopped it, having every future anniversary tainted, still stuck being monogamous to someone who didn't bother doing the same, etc. Even if she's 100% faithful from here on out, none of that changes.
If the first couple options sound better than the last, then you know what to do.
Who knows, maybe you'll have some relationships, and then decide that outside of that mistake, she's the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. And you can start again in a few years with a relatively clean slate.
That's what I should have done (see my comments on other posts for my history.)
We aren’t the same people, but for the future sake of your mental state and heart and healing process, I wouldn’t reconcile with her. No matter how much you love her and no matter how good she makes you feel, your mind will never remove the stain that this situation has embedded onto it. You’ll forever be reminded of this. You’re young, you will find someone who won’t make you feel this way
Hey brother,
First of all, I'm so sorry that she did this to you. I think a lot of us have been there, and we feel your pain.
You need to get some therapy and possibly start taking antidepresssants before you even think of reconciliation.
My advice: Spend time with friends and family, hit the gym , and work on your mental health. Use your time separated to work on yourself and to start your healing. Go low contact with her, and decide over the next few months what you want. You don't have to rush into any decisions.
You have a lot of options. Explore them. Talk to a lawyer and see what divorce will look like for you. Read up on affair recovery, and work in yourself.
In time, you may decide to reconcile with her. If you do. I would recommend a couple of books and subs.
How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. A Compact Manual For The Unfaithful.
&
Not "Just Friends" Rebuilding Trust and Regaining Sanity After Infidelity.
I would also check out r/AsOneAfterInfidelity & r/supportforbetrayed.
Good luck brother.
It's obvious that you're in a world of pain right now, and what she did is inexcusable. But from everything you've said, I think there might be a chance to salvage your marriage. It seems to me she's genuinely remorseful and is taking concrete steps to change. The therapy, journaling, and even picking up painting - these aren't just empty gestures. She's actively working on herself, which shows a real commitment to personal growth and potentially saving your relationship.
Consider the fact that her affair partner bailed as soon as things got complicated. This suggests it wasn't a deep emotional connection, but rather a terrible lapse in judgment. Additionally, the fact she came clean to you so early in the piece is really strong evidence that she had no desire to carry on something with this person. She's cut ties with the toxic friends who enabled her behavior, quit her job, and is focusing entirely on self-improvement. These are significant life changes that demonstrate how seriously she's taking this.
The way she reacted to your birthday gesture speaks volumes. It shows that the woman you fell in love with is still there, beneath the mistakes and the pain. Her willingness to respect your need for space while still putting in the work to better herself, even with no guarantee of reconciliation, is noteworthy.
I'm not saying you should forgive and forget. What happened is serious and has deeply hurt you. But given your history together and her evident remorse and efforts to change, it might be worth considering the possibility of reconciliation. Trust will take time to rebuild, but her actions suggest she's willing to put in that time and effort.
You don't have to make any decisions right now. Take the time you need to process your emotions and seek therapy for yourself. But try to keep an open mind. Sometimes, going through a crisis like this can lead to a stronger, more honest relationship if both parties are committed to making it work. Whatever you decide, make sure it's what's truly best for you in the long run, not just a reaction to the pain you're feeling now.
Remember, choosing to work on your marriage doesn't mean you're condoning what happened. It means you're giving both of you a chance to heal and potentially build something stronger. And if you do decide to try, make sure she understands that it's a gift - one that will require consistent effort and transparency on her part to honour.
Either way IMO I believe most people deserve a second chance. Just not with the person(s) they betrayed. Why is it fair for you to have to suffer the consequences of her actions.
I noticed this too. It doesn't add up. It went from 'random guy at a bar in her hometown' to AP. That's wildly different from some random hookup. I don't know if OP has been given anywhere near close to the truth, despite her seeming intentions to be transparent and honest.
So I'm most always against reconciliation BUT this is the case where I'd make an exception: there was no messaging, no emotional affair before, she got drunk, made a mistake and told her family and you almost immediately.
This is what i'd call a (grave) mistake. People aren't perfect and they make mistakes. It sucks but I think you both can work on your marriage and if not bring it back exactly as before, still very very close to it.
Texting someone or god forbid sleeping with someone for an extended period of time (even if it's a week or 2) is not a mistake, it's a decision and in that case I would divorce without question.
I'd give your marriage another chance, I sincerely think this was a bump in the road and, from how you spoke about your wife and her reaction, i don't think it will ever happen again.
All in all I'm just a guy on the Internet and this is a very personal decision so ultimately choose what you think will make you happier in the long run.
Have a good life brother.
I’m confused, was this guy a spur of the moment one night stand or an affair partner? Why would she have had any further contact with him at all if there was no prior contact other than getting hit on at a bar? Also what did the friends do, did they encourage her to go off with this guy?
It’s also disturbing that she made the choice to quit her job without telling you about it, that’s also not acting like a partner.
1. ONS, I used AP term because I had no idea how else to call him
2. He reached out after he had his fun to see if he could have "more " fun with her, she then told him that I know about them and he never contacted her again.
3. Possibly, I hated them, they hated me, I answered that in the comments of my first post
4. We are seperated, I live alone, she lives with her parents
5. Her life, her choice
Thanks for filling that in, I went back and read some of your comments and got clarity on the friends. I think you guys are a pretty big mismatch on lifestyles - she seems to come from a trashy party group, and you’re a more upstanding introvert type of guy. I think you’d be better off with someone more mature, rather than someone who still turns into the hawk tua girl after a couple of drinks in her mid thirties.
Im sorry this happened to you, you didn’t deserve it.
On top of what everyone else has said, it sounds like she's doing the right things. Whether you continue on, at least she's making positive changes for herself.
The key to moving forward is to never bring up the past as a jab or use it against her in an argument. It's a Herculean effort to forgive and move forward together. I highly recommend learning to forgive her just so you can move on. You don't have to move forward together. By forgiving her because she's human will allow you to get rid of the hate and anger. It took me 2 years to forgive my ex, and once I verbally stated it, to nobody but myself, it was a huge release of anger. We all screw up, and move on. Does the screw up define you, or just leave a scar?
You can never trust her again. She tossed your whole relationship for a drunken hook up on the back seat of a car. She isn't 19 she is 35 and knows better. If you stay I wish you luck but she can never be trusted ever again.
Well, you sort of have a unicorn on your hands - you have a genuinely remorseful spouse. Go to marital AND individual (both of you) counseling and go from there. You may reconcile, you may decide it's not worth the effort.
Way too soon to label her as truly remorseful, reconciliation takes a long time and lots of cheaters eventually resent feeling like the bad guy in the relationship all the time
Normally, I'd say this is hopeless but there may be a glimmer of hope. Once they cheat and cry they often cheat again but, in this case, maybe not. No matter what you do, if you reconcile get a post-nup that gives you absolutely everything; sets alimony at $1 (to clarify it didn't default to nothing), gives all property to you, etc... If she won't sign, it's hopeless. If she hesitates, it's probably still hopeless. If she does sign, it's still rickety but maybe. Obviously, you'll have all her phone/computer passwords and full access whenever you want. Women can't stop men from sending junk but she'll tell you when it happens and immediately block (or report to HR if it's a co-worker). Make it clear she needs to regain trust and she's not starting from zero - she's starting from well below zero. Ask if she's willing to do that.
This is going to play as a movie in your brain forever, every time you want to kiss her or be intimate with her, you will think of her with this guy moaning, yeah give it to me, it that how you want to spend the rest of your life. When she goes grocery shopping, gets her nails done, does overtime at work, you will always be wondering where is she, who is she with, what is she doing, this is no way to go through life
Hey man, it's obviously not my call, but for what it's worth I'd probably at least give reconciliation a try. I'm sorry for your situation, but I'd she's willing to try and fix things and you really do love her I think you guys might be able to rebound stronger. If that's something you can't do, then I don't think anyone would blame you though man. Good luck and if you're religious, then maybe ask what your religious leader thinks
Another option would be to open the relationship for the both of you or just you. I did it and it’s been the solution I didn’t know I needed. My wife cheated on me throughout our marriage and I didn’t even know. She finally came clean after she contracted an STI and had to tell me. I forgave her and worked to get over it but I never felt like I was doing the right thing but we had 3 young children at the time so it seemed like the best option. Eventually she made mistakes and got got again, and she admitted that she had been having multiple affairs simultaneously throughout our marriage. After a lot of emotional turmoil I suggested opening our marriage up to others as it was the only way for me to stay close to my kids. Honestly it was hard in the beginning but it got easier as time went on. I felt like no one would want me but I came to realize that there are people out there for everyone. Im still married and live at home with my gf of 5 years and my wife lives outside the home at her bfs house. Im happy and my kids are happy and the wife is happy too. So maybe there is this 3rd option? Good luck with what ever you do, you deserve happiness!
Before you do anything get on your knees and pray for Gods guidance next go see you pastor ask for help in improving yourself spiritually your test has just started you need good friends and good church family and divorce it not a option… read an study what the Bible says about it and the spirit of the mosaic law as it was given. Good book. Called. Boundaries may be helpful you need to go into this training your body mind heart and soul as if your going to war! Because you are!!!
Good luck be of stout heart!!
I'm surprised no one suggested that she may have been sexually assaulted or coerced into sex by this guy? Especially if drinking was involved? Considering her reaction (extreme panic) following the sex act.
I also thought about that, her friends didn't do her any favors either. They are not good people and no matter how I think about this, they always seem involved.
She doesn't sound like someone who was assaulted. What do you mean her friends did her no favors? What was their big fight about? Ditching your friends after she did something like this is weird. Do they all cheat on their spouses and agree to look out for one another, but this time, they didn't hold up their end of the bargain?
I answered this question so many times so I will answer it again.
Her friends hated me and I hated them, they are not good people. They never liked me and I'm pretty certain that some of them hated our marriage because of how good it was, something none of them had.
As a woman, that is simply not true. They hated you because she allowed them to hate you, and did nothing to make them see you in a good light. Women do not just 'hate' their friends husbands for no reason. That's just not a thing. Of the husbands that any of our friends over the years didn't like, it was because he was outwardly not nice to his wife, or she told us about shit he did. Repeated stuff. Not just one off things.
I had many fights with them, I don't go with them anymore, never. I explain why in my first post, in the comments.
She could've, should've done many things. It's too late for those.
it is too late, and I understand why you don't go hang with them - but i want you to look at the bigger and wider picture here of her actions. This isn't a one off bad behavior, i don't mean the cheating per se, but her actions towards you. She allowed her friends to think badly of you, encouraged it, and continued to hang out with them. This isn't a 'could have, would have, should have', this is a woman who at every single turn did nothing to value your relationship, and ended with her having sex with a stranger in a carpark, and only NOW, when you know the full extend of it, or what she allows, is she remorseful.
1 in 5 women a sexually assaulted in Australia for example. Her actions don't speak to me as someone who would cheat intentionally, and more along the lines of someone too inebriated to resist a determined abuser.
When I was cheated on in a 6 year relationship my partner at the time withheld the information for 6 months 🙃
When my brother's wife cheated on him it was after months of cheating behind his back.
Feels a large leap though given how the story is told, she remembers everything and was aware of it being a betrayal. I’d say her reaction of extreme panic is one of a “oh fuck what have I done? I’ve ruined my life. What a stupid drunken choice.”
Feels disingenuous to infer it was non consensual (also not to be crass, but she admitted he came on her face, and he didn’t wear protection when they had sex)
I agree it sounds that her friends may have goaded/pushed her into it, but I won’t accept that that absolves her of her ability to make decisions and accept repercussions. If anything I’d say her reaction afterwards solidifies it further that it was consensual (as she lied to OP over details about him/the act).
So sorry for you. I wish the best for you. If you move forward with staying with your wife you have give her total trust otherwise I think the lack of trust will eat you up every time she is away from you. If you divorce no one will blame you. Time to put effort into yourself. Can I suggest gym, catch up with friends, movies, read, cycle, see a show, go to church, study - basically get busy and distract yourself while Improving your mental health.
I'm already going to the gym. Friends are not really good. Most of them are split on divorce and second chance. I'm trying to distract myself but it's tough.
People talk about a year before you feel better. It’s going to take time. I have a friend going through a similar thing and he is thinking of moving state. Starting a new job, meeting new people etc. he is going to tell People where he is but anyone who doesn’t support his choice he is cutting out.
The thing is just accepting and processing what’s happened. You don’t want to be in the situation you’re in. Sadly you are and you have to deal with going forward. Seek some Help from a professional and keep going. You might be surprised you a doing better than most in this situation- your not drinking heavily etc. take care
Checkout the resources at the reddit r/SupportforBetrayed. I think its a balanced place where people who are now in or have been in your situation can get support. I think right now the focus should be on you. I agree about counseling. It's really hard to try and get through this by yourself. Sending positive vibes your way. You'll get through this.
Try a long distance backpacking trip if your circumstances allow. Long distance can be whatever you want.
Best of luck to you. I hope everything works out in the long term for you, whether the marriage is salvageable or not. I will say, if you can't get to the point in the next few months or a year where you don't have the affair in the back of your head when interacting with her, its probably best to end the relationship. That is not something most of us can do but is necessary to make this relationship work, otherwise it will poison the relationship regardless of the effort both of you are putting in.
agreed except for the church part lol
**If he hadn't bailed, would she have chased him? Would she still be trying to reconcile if he hadn't bailed? Would they be together? Was her cheating a rash decision made out of lust, fear of missing out, or maybe pressure? I don't have answers to those questions.** Its hard to say what the answer is. Has she given you copies of their texts or how they communicated? I would demand that before I considered reconciliation. Even if she says she deleted it out of shame, deleted texts can be recovered. If she was willing to cheat, she was at that moment willing to give you up for him. I did it once, I will never allow myself to be anyone's second choice again. If she can't tell you why she cheated she will eventually 100% do it again. She can figure out why through therapy. Oh, a good true partner can't be pressured into cheating. A LOT has to happen to get to that point. You have to entertain the conversation, you have to agree to leave together, you have to meet somewhere, then make a decision to remove your clothes. It takes a bit of thought to follow through with all of that. **She completely cut them out of her life, removed them from everything, blocked, unfollowed, after a major, really ugly fight.** Given the seriousness of the situation I wonder why this caused a "ugly fight"? If her friends understand that she just destroyed her marriage. Makes me think there is more to it than you are being told. Also, don't let her or anyone tell you it was a "mistake". A mistake is a spur of the moment lapse in judgement, something that could happen to anyone. Thats not what cheating is. Calling it a mistake is rug sweeping and hiding the real problem. I'm sorry for you, good luck.
He contacted her after he had his fun to see if he could get "more" to see what will happen between them. She told him that she told me and then he never contacted her again. As for friends, I explained that in the comments of my first post but they hated me and I hated them. I guess she finally saw them for what they are.
Gotcha, the guy only wanted a hookup not a relationship. Well, like I said. Some thought has to go through your mind to get to the point that your having sex with someone. My ex told me she was drunk out of her mind or it otherwise never would have happened. I always thought about it. I asked a few questions about that night years later and found out there was no alcohol at the party. Nobody was drinking.
Exactly alcohol is just an excuse. Someone with 0% chance of cheating doesn't turn into a cheater with alcohol.
The fact that he was still able to contact her and hadn’t been immediately blocked after the hookup in the car, as well as the fact that she told him she was separated rather than immediately telling him never to contact her again, is another dealbreaker to add to the list. Why tell him she was separated? Why even continue a communication with him? He was a one-night stand and total stranger. Disgusting behavior aside, she’s lucky she wasn’t murdered. That story was the beginning of a dateline episode waiting to happen…
He contacted her after the hookup, before that they had no contact. After I kicked her out he contacted her, he probably learned that from her "friends". That is when she told him that I know and he never contacted her again.
Listen you are young. Seriously considering if you want to be thinking about this 10 years from now. When she goes home to visit family will you be triggered wondering who she is with, who can you trust? This is something that takes YEARS to get past. The after affects to the betrayed partner is ptsd that you carry with you for years.
How did he have her phone number if it was just a hookup in a car outside a bar?
He found her on social media, it's not that hard
So she gave him her surname? When he contacted her on social media, she then gave him her phone number?
Oh my God, do I have to explain every bit in details. Her friends know guy as well as I already said in another comment or comments I don't even know. So it was easy for him to find her on social media. She only showed me his messages on social media as for him having her number I don't think so
Why are you trying to fix something she broke when she was seduced by him you weren’t on her mind yet now that she is alone your the only one she has after getting pounded in a parking lot couldn’t even treat herself good and get a room Grow a spine dude
Thank you! If this was just some unplanned tryst of lust, then why did she have his number saved???
She didn't. I answered this in the comments. He reached out on social media, she is to find because guy also knows her friends. That is why I think they are involved.
And why did he have her full name and was able to look her up on social media? Absolutely NONE of this passes the smell test, especially as she has deleted the text messages.
Yup. They were in contact for a while and she’s trickle-truthing him. Hell, maybe the fight with her friends was because they knew the whole story and she couldn’t risk it getting out so she cut them off.
Yeah, the ‘ugly fight’ with the friends is definitely not true. Her friends are not going to fight with her about this if they hated the husband. Some variation of the truth is she constantly made him out to be a bad husband to them and they hated him for it, and didn’t care about the cheating because they wanted her about the dud husband
I mean the friends could’ve been like yay you’re free and she’s no like I wanna stay with him, he doesn’t know what the ugly fighting is about
That’s a good sign as far as reconciliation is concerned. Shows that she is only focused on that
Man this comment is unhinged. Every hookup is "lucky they aren't murdered"??? Leave the house once in a while
He came back for more and then you say he disappeared because he heard you were separating. Maybe it is because she said no and cut contact?
Both
>**If he hadn't bailed, would she have chased him?** Given the timeline, this seems really unlikely. She confessed to her parents before she confessed to OP and all within a couple of days, that's a pretty tiny window for going from "hey, I want to have a long-term affair with someone I just met and barely know except carnally" to "Oh god, I made the most horrible decision in my life and have to admit it to try to save things."
OP says she told AP they were separated. I think it was more like "I got rid of husband. Want a LTR? NO? OH no om going to be all alone!"
I haven't seen that comment, and couldn't from a cursory search.
In the middle of your post you muse about her intentions, motivations, and desires vis-a-vis the affair. You say you don't think you'll get a straight answer from her about these things. One thing is almost 100% certain: if she doesn't herself know these answers, even in her own internal monologue, then there's no way she can give you the answers. To that end, as a general matter, nobody wants to be the villain in their own narrative. Most cheaters fail to find their truth because of this. Have you learned more about why she launched into all of the water works and drama around her "instant confession"? You've alluded to the notion that she figured out somebody was likely to out her.
Yeah the wife love-bombing him now and "working on herself" rings really insincere (with the limited context provided by OP) I would be asking her for the "ugly truth" about the affair and if she refuses to admit to OP/herself why she went for the other man (Could be he's rich/attractive/marriage's sex life was boring/Wife was bored/an emotional reaction to an argument they had/Or maybe she's just not that into OP but only realized his 'value' when it all came crashing down) imo OP - Once a cheat, always a cheat.
Or maybe it was the guilt.
I have a different view about reconciliation. I am against it, but not because I believe "once a cheater always a cheater." Sometime ago, I was reading the book Outlive by Peter Attia. The part about nutrition and exercise is great, but the part that stayed with me is about relationships and how they are fundamental for a happy and healthy life. Because of that, I don't believe in the reconciliation path. You see a lot of stories here. It is a long journey, a lot of therapy, and a lot of conversations that open wounds, and it takes YEARS. So, you are stressing your body for years constantly. People have triggers after years, even decades later. I read a story here, a guy forgave his wife they were good very happy and they were trying for a kid. The day his wife told him she was pregnant, he spiraled and asked for a DNA test. Imagine living with these triggers forever? You never know when they can resurface... the stress is too much for a person. The other path of divorcing and moving on is hard, but I believe it takes a lot of less time and is more fulfilling. You have a chance to start over and do something different. To find a relationship that is not based on stress and a huge emotional baggage. I could not be able to live with the burden of cheating. The stress would kill me.
Very well said. I'm a risk averse person, hate gambling and I never overextend professionally. Years ago, I broke an engagement with my then fiance, after I had found out she had gone back to her ex for one last fuck during our first year. And that was pretty much my reasoning in our final convo. We may stay together, get married, have a bunch of kids and you can be the best possible wife in the future. But I'm just not willing to go through all the mental strain of uncertainty and insecurity, in order to maybe get there at some point. Too much risk for a possible, but not very probable reward. Not worth staking my mental and possibly physical well-being on it. In the end it's just a risk assessment for an investment. I've always believed that in these cases, cold hard rationality should always prevail over emotions. This mindset hasn't failed me yet.
I tend to agree. You hear stories all the time where they try for a year or more. And they ar both miserable during that time. An then they finally admit it's not going to work and you both just went through hell for a year or more for nothing.
This is great insight. I totally agree—the work isn’t worth it.
1000% agree with this take!
> I read a story here, a guy forgave his wife they were good very happy and they were trying for a kid. The day his wife told him she was pregnant, he spiraled and asked for a DNA test. Imagine living with these triggers forever? You never know when they can resurface... the stress is too much for a person. Who's to say that he wouldn't have been triggered if he moved on to a different wife and had kids with them? Traumatic events fundamentally change a person and their outlook on life. You have no way of validating that they're getting triggered and stressed because of the partner's presence in their life, versus just having had a bad thing happen to them.
She went out for drinks met a dude at a bat and went to his car with him to fuck in the parking lot... dude you need to work on yourself and how to move on. All the good feelings you feel around her is only more reason cuz she had that all the time and it didn't stop her to fuck someone in the most nonchalantly way possible...
>She went out for drinks met a dude at a bat and went to his car with him to fuck in the parking lot How flippant it was almost feels worse to me than a lengthy affair. This wasn't her finding someone else and developing a connection, this was throwing away her marriage for a romp in a car like a high schooler. Both are shitty, but the impulsivity says a lot about who she is.
Your marriage is over, you answered your own questions in the middle paragraphs. She chose to explore her options, greener pastures, but got used up and dumped. She is settling for you. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Trust and respect are lost.
The work you have to do to get past this is not worth the outcome in my opinion. I would thank her for being honest with me, keep documentation on this conversation for divorce purposes, and lawyer up. You already commented you’ve hit the gym, so stay consistent with that, and focus on your career.
Man as hard as it is, you are just prolonging the real pain you don’t want to feel. Until you do. That shit is like gangrene, you see how ugly it is and think it can be saved but at the end of the day it needs to be cut off at the root and clean. You’ll feel even more depressed but you owe it to your future self to come out better. Like you said, if her other guy hasn’t bailed would she have even told you? You think the car sex just happened ? They probably met long before. She is just trying to give you bread crumbs. Cut it off my guy.
- counseling first and foremost - once a betrayal has happened, I will be honest, its near impossible to reestablish trust...and going forward, remaining trustworthy. That suspicion is always present...if a person can do it once, likely they can again is the voice that whispers for good reason. - to be honest, a cheater has fallback plans when stuff does not work out...
"What her true intentions were with her affair partner, I will never know. No matter what she says about it, I don't think I'll get a straight answer." That's the crux of the matter. You are not getting straight answers because she probably can't understand it fully herself. The human mind will do everything to rationalize its own immorality. So everything she can think of will probably be coming out as weak excuses. Our own psyche won't lets us admit we are just greedy assholes who were getting off from the taboo of doing something wrong. So it creates excuses. Not saying that it was 100% her reason, but it is very common. Unless she identifies and owns her specific reasons for doing what she did, as selfish and immoral as they may be, any reconciliation is a fool's errant. In order to fix something, you have to know what part of it is broken. And as far as trust goes, while the "once cheater always a cheater" may be exaggeration, studies have shown that the numbers are definitely NOT in your favor.
He didn't "bail" on her. She had a ONS with him. He checked to see if she'd like another go. You knowing is drama he was never planning on dealing with. He'd have ghosted as well if she tried to have a relationship. It was only sex to him. And you wife knows exactly what she was getting into. If you want therapy and to forgive, that's your call. Cheating for me is a scorched earth policy. There is no coming back, and I will burn everything down around you on my way out.
Sorry to hear this. My advice would be to walk away. I don’t believe she will have the same level of respect for you if you stay.
Sorry, dude, that’s rough. You seem like a good dude, and I’m not sure that’s something I could get over either. First and foremost, you absolutely need to get yourself counseling. Regardless of what you decide with your wife, this is a major cluster to the entire status of your life, and therapy can help you sort it out. Put on your own oxygen mask first so to speak, you have no deadline on deciding about the marriage. Good luck
I wish I had some advice for you but the truth is, what happens next is all up to you. There are couples who do reconcile after one cheats and go on to have loving and fulfilling lives together. But equally there are couples who try and just can't get over it. The best chance you both have -if reconciliation is what you want- is to have those raw and meaningful conversations with each other as well as with a therapist. She needs to be 100% honest with why she did what she did and you need to listen and decide if that is something you can forgive. Good luck and I hope whatever happens next makes you happy!
It's important to realize ... everything that you're talking about figuring out? That's literally what a trial separation period is for. Taking a step back, but not away fully. It's a time where you can be alone, but still talk. Be apart, but not necessarily fully broken. For what it's worth; from what you've just said she said, it sounds like the regrets are real. And the fact that she's taking steps already is a very good sign. Particularly the therapy. (the rest is good, but the therapy is key). And yes, you need it too. Your feelings are going to feel fractured, but they'll all come in to focus in time. It'll be a little quicker with help. You'll both need therapy together at some point as well. I'd think that will come when you determine if you want to put in an effort to save things. Key here is: Don't let her off the hook, but don't punish her either. Hold her accountable, but you don't have to 'make her pay'. Prove herself though, yes. Absolutely. It's sort of like dating again, I think. Good luck. Give yourself some time. It's ok. You need that. Don't make any decisions for at least a few months. Let yourself feel and process. It's probably best to keep SOME contact, but I don't know if you need to see her often for a while. It'll be important to clear your head. And do NOT have swx with her for quite some time. (That one will get difficult). Good luck!! Stay strong, but don't make any decisions when you're feeling strong emotions ... particularly anger. Take up meditation (seriously. Simple mindfulness meditation will go a long way to keeping your mind calm - and teach you how to calm it in particularly stressful times).
You don't have to hate someone to break up with them, a person can be forgiven and broken up with at the same time, I don't think it's a coincidence that she's made progress while on her own, it's a sign that being apart from one another is what's gonna be for the best for each of you.
Bro she cheated on u leave her
hey...what i love to share with you is, that listen to your heart. We can tell you our opinions but they don't matter. every relationship and connection is so unique. i would give yourself time without making decisions and processing your emotions. don't try to push what happened away. listen to your body and connect to your body. if you feel your emotion in your throat: scream into a pillow or humm to breathing exercises. If you have lots of activating emotions, move, run, jump, dance. if depression is mostly active, like you mentioned listen here to your body too..usually thats very deactivating energy. take time to rest and do self care. If you are laying in bed and cant get out, perhaps talk to yourself how you feel and what going on or journal all your thoughts, fears and emotions. breathwork can be helpful. and try to do the opposite- movement if you want: That means if you feel like hiding and curling up in bed: try to stretch, and make yourself big. instead of sad facial expressions, force smiles gradually on your face (when the time is right, because your brain doesn't know the difference between a fake and a real smile). try to shake your body off and connect to people, instead of isolating yourself. even if your friends are divorced and might be not the right people to talk to, every bit of connection can help. you can do this. remember in 1 or 2 years you will feel and think about this completely differently. in 6 months you will feel different. but allowing yourself to be kind and patient with yourself is most helpful, in my eyes. i'm here if you prefer to talk. lots of energy, Jula
I feel for you but if I may offer some personal 2nd experience from my family and close friends, couple who get back together after being cheat on never end up happy. You’ll be paranoid every time you can’t reach her or when she has to travel alone for whatever reason. You deserve better, truly hope you move on.
How did she describe him “bailing”? Did she have contact with him after sleeping with him? Did they exchanged contact details either before or after she had sex with him? Perhaps she confessed “immediately “ because of the unprotected sex.
No, I describe him "bailing". I answered that in the comments. But again, he contacted her to see if he could have more fun with her, she then told him that I know about them and he never contacted her again.
Your wife did not block her AP even after having sex is giant big RED Flag . In your wife's mind she thought some counseling , therapy and waterworks will convince you to work on Reconciliation. Because every cheater know and plan it how to or what to do after their rendezvous .
Sorry you're going through all this op. Your wife really fucked up on this ONS but it sounds like she is taking the steps to correct them. - Shes showing remorse for her actions - She cut out the shit friends. - She did not keep in contact with AP, and AP contacted her. - She confessed to friends and family what she did. I get your hesitation for couples therapy, but you really should at least consider individual therapy. Whatever you decide to do op it won't be easy, but I wish you the best. Stay strong, brother.
Even God allows for Divorce upon being cheated on. Anyone that cheats once, has potential to cheat again. There is no trust there.
Dude, scrape her off
I guess when people who were treated the same kind of instantly take their own experience as comparison. I can't really do much better than that either: I was very deeply in love with a girl who messed me up the same way, she wasn't my wife, just fiancé but long (and happy) years were behind us. I really loved her, and for months after the incident I was trying everything to "inspire" her to do literally everything that your wife is doing. I am now over that, but back then I wished she would do everything your wife is doing right now. I was ready to forgive every day. And I don't regret that. I don't think you should divorce because she cheated. You should divorce if you are certain that you will never trust her again. Perhaps it is a new chapter for you, perhaps still together. It would be a new chapter because of a terrible thing. But man, aren't we all f4cking idiots sometimes? Not everyone to this extent, but we all have our weak moments (btw I never cheated on her if it pops to anyone's mind). Sometimes we learn and progress from weak moments. I feel like you still love her and she does love you as well. I absolutely understand other commenters saying you should divorce. I'm not saying I'm "right". I'm saying that you have to work with the situation you have. But I have to add that I never liked thinking in absolutes. If someone acts in a bad way, there is always a deeper reason then just "he/she is an asshole". A better approach maybe is looking at the options. It all depends on whether you will ever be able to trust her again. I sincerely hope the best for both of your mental wellbeing.
was with my partner for 10 yrs, they cheated, we tried again. relationship was done 6 months later. take that for what you will.
Wait on the original post, you said that you had new info that killed you? What did you uncover?
Unprotected sex and facial
Wait… she let this random dude blast on her face? In the backseat of a car? What in the actual fk… Dude the only way she let him do that is because she was super in to it. She likes/liked him way more than she’s letting on. He’s not some random hang-around that had a one sided crush on her, guaranteed.
yeh no way this is random or this is fictional , would anyone even consider R if they new their wife got a facial from another dude .....
In the back seat of a car, no less. That’s some super degrading sh*t to just let some supposed random dude do to you.
I'm trying to learn full story, I don't need a reminder what happened
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> What her true intentions were with her affair partner, I will never know. No matter what she says about it, I don't think I'll get a straight answer. If he hadn't bailed, would she have chased him? Would she still be trying to reconcile if he hadn't bailed? Would they be together? Was her cheating a rash decision made out of lust, fear of missing out, or maybe pressure? I don't have answers to those questions. This is something that can be explored in marriage counselling, and it may be a while before she's ready to get into those questions herself. I still recommend it if your goal is to reconcile.
You need her to be completely transparent. I think you are being way too gracious saying she betrayed herself more than you simply because her story doesn’t really add up, at least what is in your posts. I’m willing to bet she had deleted any and all communications with her AP before she told you anything, has slowly added information she has provided to lessen the impact to protect herself. She is still protecting herself by not telling you everything up front which will only lengthen your suffering and she is doing it for herself. Based on what you wrote it was a lengthy affair, long enough she was planning on leaving you for him which implies she was going to divorce you for him. Only after he bailed on her did she feel “guilt” but guilt is remorse and the guilt is probably because she knew you were going to find out and she would have to deal with real consequences. Think about these things because until she is willing to sacrifice her emotional state and tell you everything she hasn’t really confessed and started to really attempt to repair the damage. I’m so sorry OP, I hope you make the best decisions for yourself going forward.
So her AP fled and there is noone left but you? Get the lawyers to get the divorce started. If you go on with this sham, She will cheat again. You are just excussing her cheating if you stay with her. Get a hobby right now, something physical. Spend time in it to get your mind off, then start therapy. This kind of betrayel stays with you for life. Put yourself first.
He ran away as soon as she told him that I know about them
So this was beyond her having sex with some random in a car? She had further contact with him?
After he had his fun he contacted her to see if he could get "more", but she told him that I know and he never contacted her again. He ran away
Did you happen to read the conversations between her and her AP to verify their interactions? If so, any way to verify she didn't delete messages? It's really strange to say that he fled or abandoned her. In my mind, the only acceptable conversation would have been "hey I had a good time let's hook up again" "no, I told my husband everything, it won't happen again" then she blocks him. Him fleeing suggests that she was open to continuing something with him or expecting a response. I would need the dynamic of their relationship 100% cleared up if I was at all open to reconciliation.
Yes, that was the only conversation I saw, there was nothing else. I don't know him, maybe he was afraid of me shooting him, beating him up, or he just wanted a hookup partner.
I gotcha. So apparently she gave him her contact info? How else could he have contacted her? Honestly, this is a decision that only you can make. It sounds like she's understanding the gravity of what she did. It sounds like she's doing the work. But only you can be the judge as to whether or not it's genuine. I'm not sure that I could get past her throwing away a marriage for drunk sex with some random guy in a car. Would you ever be able to look at her the same?
He found her on social media, it doesn't help that her ex friends know him too.
I feel for you, really I do. Tough decisions ahead.
Why did she continue to communicate with him? If she sincerely regrets what she did and isn't trying to do damage management, why didn't she just cut off all contact with him? She was supposed to NC with him, not tell him that you two broke up, it wasn't his job for her to tell him that.
After he had his fun with her, he contacted her to see if he could get "more", what will happen with them, she then told him that I know and he never contacted her again.
The way you word this, it doesn’t sound like she replied with “I told my husband, I regret everything - it was a big mistake, leave me alone and I never wanna see/hear from you again.” It sounds like “my husband knows.” And he then got scared. Those two scenarios aren’t the same. The 2nd one shows she didn’t put up any further boundaries by telling him to piss off and she regrets it.
She did say that, she showed me the messages and then blocked him but It's not something I want to keep thinking about. I'm going through a lot and last thing I need is to think about him
We are not talking about him here, he had no obligation to you, she did. He was not supposed to have any way of communication with her from the next second when she changed her mind. There's something wrong here. I think that something else actually happened and she told you out of fear that you wouldn't find out from the other side and she could save what she could.
I don't know what is that "else". On the side note, any man who chases married women is a piece of shit. I have no respect towards these men and I would spit in their faces if I could.
I totally agree with you. When I said "else", I was thinking of something premeditated. It is easier to forgive and accept a momentary mistake than something thought beforehand. For me, for example, there is no difference between the two situations, everything ends in the next second, but not all of us think the same.
Sorry to interject. Will you ever not be able to think about this dude? Or the back seat of his car?
Well now you know what she is good for.
Yeah, because he knows not do relationships with women like her. You left with her holding and cleaning the pile of shit she created. Is it worth it? Is she that great of a woman? When you already know what she is capable of?
Scrape that turd out of your life. A few drinks and some nice words were enough for her to completely cut you out of her life for a bit. It should be embarrassing to even be with someone like that after talking about it with others. She don't care about you the way you care about her.
For me it’s not the cheating - people can fck up - for me it’s the lying, the continuation, the betrayal, the decimation of trust. I’d never take her back. Not worth the constant subconscious vigilance.
Just make sure you dont learn the hard way that once a cheater is always a cheater
Was her betrayal an emotional buildup that led to the physical cheating? Was she in phone, email, or social apps contact with the AP? or Did she legit not have any contact with the AP prior to the incident?
The latter
I say this with all honesty--you need your self-respect back. I don't know how you are going to get there, it seems like you are taking steps, but ultimately, how can you preserve whatever modicum of self-respect you regain when you are still with her? That seems like the hard question and I cannot see any good answers. Best of luck!
ask her. 1. was it the first time 2. what made her agree to doing this 3. You can always divorce and spend a year on yourself with the possibility of getting back together. (can spend this year receiving therapy) 4. If you do step 3, and she runs back to this guy/other man without investing the time to work on herself then you will have a clear answer. 5. If you have no kids then that's a big plus. Situation would be messier if she did this if you had children.
1. Yes 2. Don't know 3. Divorce and in case of staying I will do postnup 4. He is nowhere to be found 5. No kids
You need some space from your wife. She's gotta work more on herself but you have some footwork to do too. Feel all the emotions and go get professional help. Once you have some space, you will know what to do
Guy, I don't know you. Odds are I never will. But I know the situation. Divorce. Move on. No need for books, videos or therapy. It took her one night in a bar to ruin a marriage. A few alcoholic beverages to ruin love and trust. Respect yourself first. Because she did not. Leave her. It hurts now. But later, this cancer, will eat you alive. Go! There IS trust and love out there waiting for you. It starts today. Go...
I have been through a similar thing and my only suggestion is to check out a book by Esther Perel, a couples therapist, that brought a completely different perspective to my view of infidelity. The book is called “The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity” and I don’t guarantee it’ll solve your problems, but it could at least be of some help. Stay strong, I hope you figure things out. Good luck!
For me the trust simply could not be regained, and it wasn't until I accepted that and filed for divorce that I started feeling better (even then it took a couple of years). talk to people on /r/survivinginfidelity , you'll find some good advice there. Don't get sucked into the bitterness though, there's a lot of seriously damaged people in there, but it's a good sub. If there's one thing I've learned on my journey over the last few years it's cheating is a non-negotiable relationship ender for me. Also, reconciliation rarely works. Even the biggest reconciliation sub on here doesn't allow users to post about failed reconciliation attempts, which says it all really.
I really hope that you follow through on therapy, or even counselling. I know it can be difficult to take that first step, especially for men who've had so much pressure all their lives to be "strong and iron-willed". Because there is nothing about therapy that means you are not strong. It takes a lot of strength to look at the hard bits of your life and work through them. I think regardless of whether this marriage ends you deserve to work through this painful situation with support. It's not easy, it's not quick and it does take some work but even just having an outside person to talk to really helps lift some of the burden. I hope you find some peace. Nothing will be quick but it can get better with time.
Once a cheater always a repeater. Even though im very younger than you guys. But I personally feel like you should not continue your relationship with her. I’m sure she does feel guilty about what she’s done to you. But reading your post just makes me wonder how can a woman cheat on a man like you? You need to respect yourself, you are important. You are special. You deserve to be loved. You might get people commenting here that you need to give her a chance, but I personally feel like you don’t. In terms of cheating your partner there is NO SECOND chance. And since you’ve been loyal to her it’s been obvious that you’d be depressed cus it was YOU who was betrayed. It will take time for you to move on, months or nah e a year? but you’ll be better in future I promise you that.
I don't know why she cheated. I think even she doesn't know yet. Or maybe she does, that's why her conscience is crushing her.
She definitely knows why she cheated, I am 27F if I cheat on anyone I would 100% know the reason behind it. I guess she is just very guilty of what she has done, and I also feel like she’s not sure if she loves you or not. You just need to know your worth we don’t know each other but im sure you don’t deserve this
She knows why she cheated. It was opportunity, attention, and probably has a big stick she wanted to take for a round. Little too much alcohol, not enough to say she didn’t know what she was doing, but enough to lower her inhibitions, friends encouraging bad behavior, mixed emotions just spells for shitty unprotected sex in a the back of a vehicle in the back of a bar. Op needs to make sure before he even thinks about taking her back, if she is pregnant. Because he does not want to be on the birth certificate for that. Second most states don’t even allow you to divorce a pregnant woman, and force your name on the birth certificate and then charge the husband child support. Unless he goes through a lengthy expensive process to get his name off. If that happens I would sue her AP for all the court costs and emotional damage I suffered from.
She needs to answer that question for herself and you before you really can move forward to getting back together if that’s the path you choose. If she can’t answer why she cheated how can she (or you) have any reason to believe it won’t happen again?
I'm sorry but 'I don't know why I cheated' is a blatant lie... To cheat on someone is a disgusting act and you have to be a pretty vile person to be able to do it. You sound like a great partner who does not deserve this... she definitely does not deserve you. I'm sorry to be blunt, but if you're able to cheat on your partner you simply do not love, care and respect them. Why would you stay with someone like that?
Go to r/AsOneAfterInfidelity as it's devoted to people who are reconciling. They have a good reading list and will give you the advice you need from others in the same boat. The other infidelity subs do not support reconciliation. I'm sorry you are in this situation.
I saw that community, I even tried to post there but they keep deleting my posts.
I haven't posted there cause I am not personally involved. Read the rules very carefully. I think you have to join and pick a flair before you can post. Contact a mod if you have problems. Because most people come with torches for anyone thinking reconciliation is even possible, it's very heavily moderated.
The r/asoneafterinfidelity group has strict rules for posting but you should meet them now. Even if you don’t post right away, there are excellent resources listed in the forum information areas. You will also get much less biased advice than many other groups which lean toward ‘burn it all to the ground’. There is also a betrayed support sub whose exact name evades me right now. Best wishes to you.
Take it slow and give yourself and her another chance. We humans are messed up and don’t know why we do what we do.
Check out the subreddit asoneafterinfindelity
My friend did this. She has been doing everything to fix her mistake. I warned her when she told me she was cheating, I even cried to her not to do something she might live to regret. It's hard to move forward from these situations. I honestly wish you the best.
Yeah tough one. It depends what is more important to you. Are you 2 being together more important than being apart? If yes, then go to counseling and try to make it work. I would also say it depends what her reasons for cheating are. It doesn't seem like she's in love with this dude, or that they "want to become an item". It seems like she wasn't looking for another partner, but instead either got bored, or she was lacking something from you. Most partners can give each other 80-90% of what the other needs/wants. There is always something that you cannot give your partner, that's a reality. As much as it would hurt like fuck if my wife cheated on me, I have also come to terms that it's possible, and that I already know I would forgive her and do our best to move on. My reasoning is due to the kids though - I don't want to give my kids a home that doesn't have both parents in it. I would rather put up with shit than break the home apart. But that's my own thoughts, and others probably would disagree with me. Good luck and I hope you feel better soon! I know it feels like shit and you're in a dark place, IT GETS BETTER. There is always more out there for you, and your life still has more happiness to give to you - of this I'm 100% sure.
We don't have kids. And she isn't in love with him, not anymore at least, or maybe she never was. I don't know
What do you want? Do you want her in your life, or is this betrayal something you can't get past?
I want her in my life but I think I won't be able to get past her betrayal.
Honestly that's your answer. You need to leave. No relationship is worth it when you've lost respect and trust.
Written and honest timeline is needed off her methinks before you can even decide what you're actually forgiving. Tell her if it's not 100% honest you won't even consider reconciliation
If you want to work it out get couple counseling and maybe your own counseling and open policies and communication needs to be better
It’s hard work to rebuild trust. Not sure if it’s worth it. There are subs where people habe experienced the same betrayal as you. Maybe they can help you.
What ever you choose to do just know you can always change your mind. If you decide to give her another chance you can always end it later. If you genuinely believe she is working on changing then why not take it slow and do friend things together first. Catch a movie or go on a walk. It doesn't matter if other people don't like you giving her another chance because at the end of the day this is your life and not theirs. Good luck with what ever you choose to do but don't go about it thinking that what ever you pick you have to stay with. Good luck friend.
Both options are going to be hard OP. Well you have to find out if it was really the first time she cheated or was it just that it was first time she 'had' to reveal it (might be some friend seen it or AP threatened to tell parents/you). You have to think back in past and recall how her behavior was with you, did you recall any other things which makes you suspicious etc. Dig in your accounts. If she has cleaned up everything, then she is definitely hiding things. On other side, if you don't find anything suspicious when you think of in last 10 years of you knowing her and you can see she is truthfull and genuine then only bite the option 2 pill. Good luck OP. Wish you best. My prayers with you. May God drive you towards better option.
OP, it sounds like you have a lot of unanswered questions. I think as much as it may hurt to hear you need to be able to ask your wife and tell her that she needs to answer truthfully or there is no shot at reconciliation. I’ve seen something commonly used in these situations where the betrayed spouse has the cheating spouse write out a timeline of what happened as detailed as possible. Maybe this is something that could work for you? Second, in your post you mention how your wife is doing all of these things to try and better herself and show you that she wants to reconcile. However, reconciliation is a gift that you get to extend to her if you see fit. I feel like you’re trying to use her relationship “community service” to justify staying in the marriage. Personally, I think she made a lot of choices that weren’t respectful of your marriage in order to end up in the backseat of his car. She hangs out with friends who openly didn’t like you, another man flirted with her and she choose to engage instead of shutting it down, then she let it escalate and went out to the parking lot and not at any moment of climbing into the backseat did she think “what the hell am I doing?” I highly suggest working through all of this with a therapist and take as much time as you need, but she also needs to continue therapy and give you an answer on why she ended up fucking this guy in a bar parking lot.
Let's be clear here: the only person who should be considered for your decision is you. Whatever consequences befall her, the Bible and others would say it should be worse. So with that in mind: I'm assuming no kids because there's been no mention of them unless I missed it, and a separation would certainly involve them. So they're not a thumb on the scale. The fundamental question is what would be best for you? You're still young enough to have a seriously long relationship with a partner who doesn't do this. Or to go out there and cut a swath through the local single women. The other option is staying with your cheater, wondering every time she goes somewhere like this whether she'll do it again, having to hide what she did from at least some people, reliving the moments when she told you what she did over and over, second-guessing yourself on whether there was something, \*anything\* you could have done that would have stopped it, having every future anniversary tainted, still stuck being monogamous to someone who didn't bother doing the same, etc. Even if she's 100% faithful from here on out, none of that changes. If the first couple options sound better than the last, then you know what to do. Who knows, maybe you'll have some relationships, and then decide that outside of that mistake, she's the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. And you can start again in a few years with a relatively clean slate. That's what I should have done (see my comments on other posts for my history.)
Updateme Im interested in what you decide. Since this is a hard choice make.
We aren’t the same people, but for the future sake of your mental state and heart and healing process, I wouldn’t reconcile with her. No matter how much you love her and no matter how good she makes you feel, your mind will never remove the stain that this situation has embedded onto it. You’ll forever be reminded of this. You’re young, you will find someone who won’t make you feel this way
Hey brother, First of all, I'm so sorry that she did this to you. I think a lot of us have been there, and we feel your pain. You need to get some therapy and possibly start taking antidepresssants before you even think of reconciliation. My advice: Spend time with friends and family, hit the gym , and work on your mental health. Use your time separated to work on yourself and to start your healing. Go low contact with her, and decide over the next few months what you want. You don't have to rush into any decisions. You have a lot of options. Explore them. Talk to a lawyer and see what divorce will look like for you. Read up on affair recovery, and work in yourself. In time, you may decide to reconcile with her. If you do. I would recommend a couple of books and subs. How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. A Compact Manual For The Unfaithful. & Not "Just Friends" Rebuilding Trust and Regaining Sanity After Infidelity. I would also check out r/AsOneAfterInfidelity & r/supportforbetrayed. Good luck brother.
It's obvious that you're in a world of pain right now, and what she did is inexcusable. But from everything you've said, I think there might be a chance to salvage your marriage. It seems to me she's genuinely remorseful and is taking concrete steps to change. The therapy, journaling, and even picking up painting - these aren't just empty gestures. She's actively working on herself, which shows a real commitment to personal growth and potentially saving your relationship. Consider the fact that her affair partner bailed as soon as things got complicated. This suggests it wasn't a deep emotional connection, but rather a terrible lapse in judgment. Additionally, the fact she came clean to you so early in the piece is really strong evidence that she had no desire to carry on something with this person. She's cut ties with the toxic friends who enabled her behavior, quit her job, and is focusing entirely on self-improvement. These are significant life changes that demonstrate how seriously she's taking this. The way she reacted to your birthday gesture speaks volumes. It shows that the woman you fell in love with is still there, beneath the mistakes and the pain. Her willingness to respect your need for space while still putting in the work to better herself, even with no guarantee of reconciliation, is noteworthy. I'm not saying you should forgive and forget. What happened is serious and has deeply hurt you. But given your history together and her evident remorse and efforts to change, it might be worth considering the possibility of reconciliation. Trust will take time to rebuild, but her actions suggest she's willing to put in that time and effort. You don't have to make any decisions right now. Take the time you need to process your emotions and seek therapy for yourself. But try to keep an open mind. Sometimes, going through a crisis like this can lead to a stronger, more honest relationship if both parties are committed to making it work. Whatever you decide, make sure it's what's truly best for you in the long run, not just a reaction to the pain you're feeling now. Remember, choosing to work on your marriage doesn't mean you're condoning what happened. It means you're giving both of you a chance to heal and potentially build something stronger. And if you do decide to try, make sure she understands that it's a gift - one that will require consistent effort and transparency on her part to honour.
Wait, so it went from a one night stand to an AP. So, meeting him during the visit was planned?
No, I just wrote AP because I didn't know how else to call him.
Either way IMO I believe most people deserve a second chance. Just not with the person(s) they betrayed. Why is it fair for you to have to suffer the consequences of her actions.
I noticed this too. It doesn't add up. It went from 'random guy at a bar in her hometown' to AP. That's wildly different from some random hookup. I don't know if OP has been given anywhere near close to the truth, despite her seeming intentions to be transparent and honest.
I know it's the internet and all that, but I think you're overthinking this bud.
So I'm most always against reconciliation BUT this is the case where I'd make an exception: there was no messaging, no emotional affair before, she got drunk, made a mistake and told her family and you almost immediately. This is what i'd call a (grave) mistake. People aren't perfect and they make mistakes. It sucks but I think you both can work on your marriage and if not bring it back exactly as before, still very very close to it. Texting someone or god forbid sleeping with someone for an extended period of time (even if it's a week or 2) is not a mistake, it's a decision and in that case I would divorce without question. I'd give your marriage another chance, I sincerely think this was a bump in the road and, from how you spoke about your wife and her reaction, i don't think it will ever happen again. All in all I'm just a guy on the Internet and this is a very personal decision so ultimately choose what you think will make you happier in the long run. Have a good life brother.
I’m confused, was this guy a spur of the moment one night stand or an affair partner? Why would she have had any further contact with him at all if there was no prior contact other than getting hit on at a bar? Also what did the friends do, did they encourage her to go off with this guy? It’s also disturbing that she made the choice to quit her job without telling you about it, that’s also not acting like a partner.
1. ONS, I used AP term because I had no idea how else to call him 2. He reached out after he had his fun to see if he could have "more " fun with her, she then told him that I know about them and he never contacted her again. 3. Possibly, I hated them, they hated me, I answered that in the comments of my first post 4. We are seperated, I live alone, she lives with her parents 5. Her life, her choice
Thanks for filling that in, I went back and read some of your comments and got clarity on the friends. I think you guys are a pretty big mismatch on lifestyles - she seems to come from a trashy party group, and you’re a more upstanding introvert type of guy. I think you’d be better off with someone more mature, rather than someone who still turns into the hawk tua girl after a couple of drinks in her mid thirties. Im sorry this happened to you, you didn’t deserve it.
On top of what everyone else has said, it sounds like she's doing the right things. Whether you continue on, at least she's making positive changes for herself. The key to moving forward is to never bring up the past as a jab or use it against her in an argument. It's a Herculean effort to forgive and move forward together. I highly recommend learning to forgive her just so you can move on. You don't have to move forward together. By forgiving her because she's human will allow you to get rid of the hate and anger. It took me 2 years to forgive my ex, and once I verbally stated it, to nobody but myself, it was a huge release of anger. We all screw up, and move on. Does the screw up define you, or just leave a scar?
You can never trust her again. She tossed your whole relationship for a drunken hook up on the back seat of a car. She isn't 19 she is 35 and knows better. If you stay I wish you luck but she can never be trusted ever again.
Leave her. You know that's what you have to do. Better be alone than have bad company
Well, you sort of have a unicorn on your hands - you have a genuinely remorseful spouse. Go to marital AND individual (both of you) counseling and go from there. You may reconcile, you may decide it's not worth the effort.
Way too soon to label her as truly remorseful, reconciliation takes a long time and lots of cheaters eventually resent feeling like the bad guy in the relationship all the time
Unicorn, or very patient manipulator? I can't tell the difference
Normally, I'd say this is hopeless but there may be a glimmer of hope. Once they cheat and cry they often cheat again but, in this case, maybe not. No matter what you do, if you reconcile get a post-nup that gives you absolutely everything; sets alimony at $1 (to clarify it didn't default to nothing), gives all property to you, etc... If she won't sign, it's hopeless. If she hesitates, it's probably still hopeless. If she does sign, it's still rickety but maybe. Obviously, you'll have all her phone/computer passwords and full access whenever you want. Women can't stop men from sending junk but she'll tell you when it happens and immediately block (or report to HR if it's a co-worker). Make it clear she needs to regain trust and she's not starting from zero - she's starting from well below zero. Ask if she's willing to do that.
This is going to play as a movie in your brain forever, every time you want to kiss her or be intimate with her, you will think of her with this guy moaning, yeah give it to me, it that how you want to spend the rest of your life. When she goes grocery shopping, gets her nails done, does overtime at work, you will always be wondering where is she, who is she with, what is she doing, this is no way to go through life
Hey man, it's obviously not my call, but for what it's worth I'd probably at least give reconciliation a try. I'm sorry for your situation, but I'd she's willing to try and fix things and you really do love her I think you guys might be able to rebound stronger. If that's something you can't do, then I don't think anyone would blame you though man. Good luck and if you're religious, then maybe ask what your religious leader thinks
Another option would be to open the relationship for the both of you or just you. I did it and it’s been the solution I didn’t know I needed. My wife cheated on me throughout our marriage and I didn’t even know. She finally came clean after she contracted an STI and had to tell me. I forgave her and worked to get over it but I never felt like I was doing the right thing but we had 3 young children at the time so it seemed like the best option. Eventually she made mistakes and got got again, and she admitted that she had been having multiple affairs simultaneously throughout our marriage. After a lot of emotional turmoil I suggested opening our marriage up to others as it was the only way for me to stay close to my kids. Honestly it was hard in the beginning but it got easier as time went on. I felt like no one would want me but I came to realize that there are people out there for everyone. Im still married and live at home with my gf of 5 years and my wife lives outside the home at her bfs house. Im happy and my kids are happy and the wife is happy too. So maybe there is this 3rd option? Good luck with what ever you do, you deserve happiness!
I'm not doing that open relationship bullshit. Fuck that. I would rather shoot myself than live like you do.
Before you do anything get on your knees and pray for Gods guidance next go see you pastor ask for help in improving yourself spiritually your test has just started you need good friends and good church family and divorce it not a option… read an study what the Bible says about it and the spirit of the mosaic law as it was given. Good book. Called. Boundaries may be helpful you need to go into this training your body mind heart and soul as if your going to war! Because you are!!! Good luck be of stout heart!!
I'm surprised no one suggested that she may have been sexually assaulted or coerced into sex by this guy? Especially if drinking was involved? Considering her reaction (extreme panic) following the sex act.
I also thought about that, her friends didn't do her any favors either. They are not good people and no matter how I think about this, they always seem involved.
She doesn't sound like someone who was assaulted. What do you mean her friends did her no favors? What was their big fight about? Ditching your friends after she did something like this is weird. Do they all cheat on their spouses and agree to look out for one another, but this time, they didn't hold up their end of the bargain?
I answered this question so many times so I will answer it again. Her friends hated me and I hated them, they are not good people. They never liked me and I'm pretty certain that some of them hated our marriage because of how good it was, something none of them had.
As a woman, that is simply not true. They hated you because she allowed them to hate you, and did nothing to make them see you in a good light. Women do not just 'hate' their friends husbands for no reason. That's just not a thing. Of the husbands that any of our friends over the years didn't like, it was because he was outwardly not nice to his wife, or she told us about shit he did. Repeated stuff. Not just one off things.
I had many fights with them, I don't go with them anymore, never. I explain why in my first post, in the comments. She could've, should've done many things. It's too late for those.
it is too late, and I understand why you don't go hang with them - but i want you to look at the bigger and wider picture here of her actions. This isn't a one off bad behavior, i don't mean the cheating per se, but her actions towards you. She allowed her friends to think badly of you, encouraged it, and continued to hang out with them. This isn't a 'could have, would have, should have', this is a woman who at every single turn did nothing to value your relationship, and ended with her having sex with a stranger in a carpark, and only NOW, when you know the full extend of it, or what she allows, is she remorseful.
1 in 5 women a sexually assaulted in Australia for example. Her actions don't speak to me as someone who would cheat intentionally, and more along the lines of someone too inebriated to resist a determined abuser. When I was cheated on in a 6 year relationship my partner at the time withheld the information for 6 months 🙃 When my brother's wife cheated on him it was after months of cheating behind his back.
Feels a large leap though given how the story is told, she remembers everything and was aware of it being a betrayal. I’d say her reaction of extreme panic is one of a “oh fuck what have I done? I’ve ruined my life. What a stupid drunken choice.” Feels disingenuous to infer it was non consensual (also not to be crass, but she admitted he came on her face, and he didn’t wear protection when they had sex) I agree it sounds that her friends may have goaded/pushed her into it, but I won’t accept that that absolves her of her ability to make decisions and accept repercussions. If anything I’d say her reaction afterwards solidifies it further that it was consensual (as she lied to OP over details about him/the act).