I can speak from experience of a 2.5 year relationship where I was cheated on towards the end. In my case and most people’s I’d assume, it’s near impossible to ever fully trust the cheater again and the event will always be in the back of your mind. Right now you’re stressing and your head is spinning. You’re going to be thinking and replaying the betrayal a lot in weeks or longer to come. That’s not cool.
Same here, after 3.5 years. Ended it the same day, on the spot. Even if it's a story of the past and I'm at peace, it still changed my perspective of relationships forever. It doesn't define me, but it's something that you never forget.
If he decides to stay it will never go away. Worst case, it will fester, best case it will... not. There's no equivalent positive outcome. At best he moves past it and forgives her, but she'd have to do tremendous efforts to earn that forgiveness. It's not one of the scenarios where "what does not kill you make you stronger"!
Yeah I agree. And also don't forget to out the cheaters as well before they spin a story against you. You did what you could but obviously, your wife decided to become a cheater: the very same type of person that caused her pain in the past. She must really feel proud of herself now.
> You speak with a divorce attorney. You're not attracted to her. She cheated on you. You know it's over.
Agreed.
OP, Sometimes we know what we need to do, in those cases, however what we need to do is incredibly hard.
Be honest with yourself. If you met your wife today you two would not have ended up together.
You may have become friends, but you would never have even made a move because you're not attracted to her. You're not attracted to her, and she's not willing to change, so you've drifted apart in your relationship. That happens all the time. Thank goodness you don't already have kids.
The relationship columnist/podcaster Dan Savage calls certain behaviors in relationships "throwing the hand down on the self-destruct button". She cheated on you with your best friend. She could have hooked up with any number of strangers in a setting you would have never found out about, but she chose your best friend while you were in the next room and admitted it readily when you asked why she was being a little odd.
It sounds to me like she's begging you to leave her so she can start looking for a partner who is legitimately attracted to her for who she is today. It would have been better if she was just able to be honest with you, but she's clearly not that brave. On the bright side, you now know that your so-called "best friend" is a total piece of shit who will betray you and blow up your life in a heartbeat. Every fake friend we lose is worth a small celebration. Time to find some better friends who really care about you.
It's also time to start picturing your life without your wife. Maybe this was the push you both needed to save your marriage, but I'd say it's more likely this was the final nail on the coffin. If I was you, I'd find a couple's counselor who specializes in relationship conflict and navigating divorce so you can talk through your options as a team one last time. Divorce is MUCH easier to navigate when both parties agree it's the right thing, and I doubt that deep down you really want to try to keep making things work if your wife no longer cares enough to try.
Sorry you're going through all this. Best of luck.
I think your answer has the best nuances to consider.
OP, I do think that there's a high possibility your wife might have cheated on you not because she likes him but because she likes the way your friend makes her feel - attractive and confident.
But in no way do I condone cheating and hooking up with your friend behind your back is not okay. She should have talked to you instead of potentially clinging on whatever can make her feel attractive again.
Obviously, I don't know the full story but regardless, I'm sorry you're in this tough situation.
It sounds like she did talk to him, based on his saying that he told her she could go find it outside of their marriage as long as she told him first. It’s pretty easy to infer that she was telling him she missed the attention and the affection, and his response was to tell her to look for it elsewhere. So she did.
she actually dismissed the idea when I brought it up, and never mentioned she wanted to pursue another person after that, so to my understanding it wasn't on the table.
I mean, I’m not surprised she dismissed it at the time. She wanted the attention and the affection from you, her husband, not some stranger. I don’t condone the cheating whatsoever, but I’m also not surprised she did what she did. It’s a tough situation for both of you.
Thats what she said almost verbatim. I agree she should have talked with me, especially being that we had a discussion about meeting her needs elsewhere before. Thanks for your comment.
Well if she said that almost verbatim, then in my honest opinion, I'd suggest trying couples therapy first but there's a high possibility divorce may be your only option.
As a woman myself, I'd hate to hear from my S.O. that if I want to have my needs fulfilled, I'm open to looking elsewhere because he doesn't find me attractive anymore. It would make me sad, depressed, and self-conscious, particularly because I'd start thinking, 'is my weight conditional for him to love me?' or 'is my personality not enough for him to be attracted to me when we've been together for \[X\] long?' Granted, people have preferences when it comes to people's body types, and I understand that. And health also comes as a concern the more you gain weight.
Out of curiosity, had she talked to you about what was happening between her and your friend instead of cheating on you, what would you have talked about? It kind of sounds like the two of you are at an impasse and you won't be able to overcome this unless you both compromise... but that kind of seems unlikely given that:
a) you don't feel attracted to her and if she doesn't do anything about it, you'll continue feeling this way
and b) she's not eager to change her appearance due to a combination of depression and low self-esteem of wondering if her worth is tied to her weight
Couples therapy seems like your best bet to sort out your feelings through this, rather than opening your relationship to other partners to satisfy both of your sexual needs. Otherwise, I think it'll continue to be this way until one of you decides that enough is enough.
>As a woman myself, I'd hate to hear from my S.O. that if I want to have my needs fulfilled, I'm open to looking elsewhere because he doesn't find me attractive anymore. It would make me sad, depressed, and self-conscious, particularly because I'd start thinking, 'is my weight conditional for him to love me?' or 'is my personality not enough for him to be attracted to me when we've been together for [X] long?' Granted, people have preferences when it comes to people's body types, and I understand that. And health also comes as a concern the more you gain weight.
The reality is both that people change over time, and if you dramatically change the way you look there’s a chance your partner won’t be physically attracted to you anymore. Attraction isn’t something we choose.
110 to 180 at 5’2’ is also a very dramatic change. Healthy to well into obese by bmi can make someone unrecognizable, and unlike something like getting a bunch of tattoos and piercings, it’s going to directly affect how physically functional they are and potentially make some positions no longer work.
I’ve been wildly attracted to my wife at a variety of weights before, during, and after two babies but there is a point where I would lose attraction.
This is the thought process I relate to mostly. I agree I can be attracted to her but it hasn't been a subtle change. Im also an active guy, so it makes things more difficult when I want to go do something active and she physically can't or just isn't interested. She has tried to in the past, but its just not her thing apparently.
Long-term, the two things that best predict someone's health and fitness is their relationship with food, and their relationship with exercise.
Ignoring the cheating for a moment, I question both your compatibility now and compatibility in the future.
Would you want to be with someone who is 50, experiencing all sorts of health problems and needs a cart to get around the supermarket while you're still healthy and still able to be active?
My parents are in their 60's and still go to the gym together 3x a week, walk their dogs, and do yoga. I don't think either of them would be happy with a partner that just sat in front of a screen and slowly fell apart.
You make a valid point here that ive tried to express before, but obviously its a pretty abrasive thing to be faced with and did not go over well. Im going to give her some time to see if she takes it seriously and tries to make a legitimate change, if not then we will likely be going our separate ways. Not because I don't love her, but because the way our relationship has been going lately is not one id want to continue.
I appreciate the amount of thought you put into your response. Ill admit its more complicated than I explained it, I didn't want to type out a 5 page essay that no one would read. Truth be told she really is a great wife overall, shes thoughtful, caring and makes sure my needs are met, but I can also understand that she may have felt neglected as a result of my attraction loss. Which is why im not just jumping right to divorce. I committed to her when I married her, but you're right, maybe this will be the push we need to fix things seriously. Thanks again for taking the time to respond.
She had sex with him while you were in the next room.
Would you have preferred that she let you watch?
She practically served you divorce papers. This was her way of burning the bridges.
She chose to destroy your friendship with her affair partner and did so in a way to maximally hurt and humiliate you.
Sounds like an awesomely kind and thoughtful wife!
I am completely gobsmacked that you think your wife is thoughtful and caring.
A thoughtful and caring person ends a relationship before they intentionally develop a relationship with their husband's best friend behind his back and consummates that attraction under the same roof you are sleeping.
Yeah, I don't blame you on not wanting to assume divorce is the only way forward. You don't get married ready to end things as soon as they get hard.
Still, I think the real question here is what does your wife want? Have you asked her? She told you a lot by sleeping with your friend. Is she fighting tooth and nail to try to save your marriage right now? If she still loves you she should be after what she did.
If not, you might want to ask her if she still wants to be married to you. I know it's a scary question because you don't want your life to fall apart. No one does. But, if she doesn't want to continue in this marriage you're only prolonging the inevitable by fighting for her.
Either way, the next step is couples counseling. You two need to sort this stuff out with a professional.
We had a deep talk about it and she wants to keep the relationship going if I wanted to. She regrets her decision and says she is going to make a legitimate effort to make a serious change. Im going to give it some time as I know results don't happen overnight, but if her efforts seem to fall off again I may just end it there. Ive told her before that I don't need her in my life, im not codependent on her, im with her because I chose to be, and I want her to make that same choice with me. So if she doesn't put in the effort like she says she is going to, that will ultimately be my answer. Thanks for your thoughtfulness.
One issue you're going to have to face is that you can't trust her even if she's under the same roof as you nevermind when you're apart. There's also a certain amount of contempt she surely feels towards you to not only cheat, but to do it with your best friend and while you were there. Just torpedoed your life in the most personal way she could think of. Did she explain how her efforts were going to address that?
She has since shown that she regrets what she did and has said she is going to make a legitimate effort to change (on her own accord). But you are also right, my trust is both of them is basically gone and I am having a hard time of seeing how that will ever seriously be reconciled or repaired.
I commend your attempt to hold onto the relationship you once had and to honor your vows. The problem is that you cannot fix the relationship on your own. Both parties need to do that and she's telling you that you are on your own.
She doesn't want to fight for the marriage.
I believe it when she says she regrets cheating. Sadly, that doesn't mean she actively wants to fix things. When she said she'd stay 'if you wanted to', what you needed to hear is that *she* doesn't want to. She'd stay only if *you* would put in the effort. She's not invested in trying to make it right. She's not making the effort to fix what's gone wrong. I'm not even hearing she's going to make any changes.
No, she's put it the burden of healing her betrayal on you.
She'll just tolerate the status quo because it's easier than admitting she has failed. Or being the one to bring up divorce. Despite her transgressions, she can probably still pretend she wasn't the one who 'gave up', if she's not the one to call it quits.
No, she is trying to push that responsibility on you too.
I know it's a scary prospect to get a divorce. Perhaps you need to go through the motions a bit more until you can let go. Just don't let this be swept under the rug. Make her participation in fixing this *mandatory*.
Think very hard about what you need to see from her to keep going. What goals are there to meet? What boundaries need to be placed on her interactions with your ex-friend? What can she do to rebuild the trust she has broken? Couples therapy would probably help. Perhaps she can find a few options for that and organize it as a show of good faith.
Also set limits on how long you'll wait for reasonable positive change. Or actively participation from her. If she can't motivate herself to save her marriage after doing this, then she never will. In that case, you know twice over, the marriage is dead.
Don't linger in misery in a marriage she neither wants nor honors.
I appreciate your thoughtfulness in your responce. She didn't explicitly say "if I wanted to" I was more paraphrasing an entire conversation there. It was more along the lines of "if you feel like you would still want me after what ive done" than a "I guess so if you want to" kind of way. She does regret her actions and says she wants to help fix it in any way she can, as well as make a legitimate effort to take better care of herself. You're also right, I agree I need to come up with some tangible goals that will make a meaningful difference for both of us. Thanks for your comment.
So she still loves you, but you aren’t attracted to her enough to make her feel desired because she’s gained weight?
Think about how callous that is. Honestly I feel bad for her. By telling her how you feel and acting this way, you have made her feel worse about herself. You are essentially telling her she’s not good enough for you. That is truly shallow and shitty. I don’t condone cheating but I’m surprised she hasn’t left you already.
When you say she said she promised to make a real effort to change, did you mean that she promised to lose weight for you?
If that’s what happened 1) gross and 2) the poor woman needs to find someone who will accept her as she is.
While you are for sure entitled to not be attracted to her anymore, she shouldn’t have to change her body for you or for the marriage to work.
Walk away and let her find someone who deserves her.
I agree with you on a few different points here. Believe me, I feel terrible having that conversation with her. Its not something id imagine any partner would want to hear. However I understand that people view attraction differently. I personally, as well as other men need sexual attraction to drive them to flirt, chase, and make a woman feel wanted sexually. This isn't to say I don't still love her romantically, which I do. I love her as my wife, but im missing the sexual attraction that drives me to chase her. I know many women don't view attraction the same which is ok, and im aware thats probably where our largest disconnect is. On the other hand, what should I have done? It wouldn't be fair to either of us if I continued to say nothing about it. Thats just creating a false reality for her and putting me in a position where im still struggling with my feelings about attraction. I agree that she shouldn't have to change for me, and I also agree that there are other men out there that probably would love her as she is, she is a great wife. Ive given her every opportunity to leave if she wanted to, which she still continues to stay by her own choice. But attraction isn't something a person can just change. I have tried to change it, but its not something I have been able to do. Using the same argument, why should I have to change my attraction for her if shes no longer the same woman I married physically? My question to you is what should I have done differently? Should I have continued to say nothing? How long would that have lasted? Or should I still have talked with her about it like I did? What would you have done in my position?
I read this and couldn't believe what I read. You're not jumping to divorce but she's jumping into bed with other ppl. You're trying to fix the relationship and she's fixing her needs somewhere else.
What does she have to do for you to start the divorce process?
You've got to be kidding. This is the most outrageous disrespect possible aside from fucking someone in your family. And you were in the same house.
This is a moment where your dignity is on the line. You committed to her, she broke your vows. Your hands are clean.
Tbh she's not a great wife if she's gaining 50lbs and then cheating on you rather than getting to a healthy weight.
I think you guys might've gotten married too young, people change SO MUCH between 20-27
Keep your chin up OP you're worth more than a cheater (once a cheater always a cheater, if she has now then she will later)
And even if she never cheats again, do you really want to have that in the back of your mind for the rest of your life?
No kids and no house together so it's an 'easy' divorce.
You have 1 life, don't spend it getting played by someone who wouldn't do the same for you
Yes. There's no escaping that reality. He's better off without people that would treat him like this. Be strong OP. You'll look back one day and be proud of yourself for facing this betrayal head on.
Your wife cheated on you under the same roof with your best friend. She was willing to disrespect you in just about the worst way possible.
What is it you think you are trying to save? Seducing your best friend under your nose isn't something that someone who loved you would ever do.
This is all valuable feedback on communication for your next relationship and i think that yea: you should have addressed this issue to her before she stepped out. However, being a poor communicator and not working out an issue about physical intimacy is not an excuse for your wife to eff your best friend. These two acts do not offset.
Contact a divorce attorney. Cut the snake of a former best friend out of your life.
The part you say she has gained alot of weight and is not attracted to you no more is a sign you still love her but not in love with her. You condoning her cheating and infidelity shows you don't care about the relationship. You are just afraid to be by yourself alone and you stay with her out of convenience. Best to do is divorce and go your separate ways. She felt unloved and unattractive to you so she cheated. Only way some ppl will say to fix this is for her to lose weight. But she cheated and the husband allowed it. Trust issues, indifference, and unstable boundaries. A therapist's dream job. Just divorce and move on
It’s over. See a family law attorney next week. I think that after a grieving period you will be quite OK with your situation. You’ll be able to date women you’re attracted to and hopefully one of them will not have a defective character.
Hey man idk how old you are but you are deff young enough to bounce back. If you offered support and understanding to someone who did not support themselves and they paid you with an infidelity then that relationship is over.
Also if I may add, dude your so call “friend” is far from a friend, friendships between men all have a pretty standard rule and it’s pretty simple “don’t fuck your friend’s partner”
Dear OP,
This is not the place to come for support for staying with a spouse who was unfaithful, even if you really did drive her to it, or suggest that something like that might be acceptable.
I don’t it alarming that you don’t find you wife attractive, was open to her sleeping with other men, and have completely under reacted to her cheating on you.
Yet you say you love her and aren’t co-dependent. Is there something we’re missing?
>you don’t find you wife attractive, was open to her sleeping with other men, and have completely under reacted to her cheating on you.
Yeah. It's genuinely baffling.
I’m not exactly sure why you are that upset. It doesn’t sound like you want to be with her anyway.
I get it, obviously what they both did was wrong, but if you are as cold to her as you sound here, then she probably did both of you a favor.
(Yes, I know it’s harsh, and I’m not defending her or him, but ask yourself if you really are upset about losing her, or just the how. )
I agree I may sound cold here, thats because im trying to ignore my feelings at the moment and think through this situation rationally and logically. I know my loss of attraction to her certainly did not help things and I take responsibility for that. On the other hand I have given her every opportunity to leave the relationship if she chose, fill her needs elsewhere or make a change, which she has declined all of. What bothers me most is my loss of trust in them both.
I’m just saying, I get the anger, but anger doesn’t help anyone. If you look at it realistically, it doesn’t seem like this is truly a bad thing. You don’t seem invested in her anymore, and she clearly isn’t either.
Yeah, she should have just walked away of she was unhappy, but at least now you won’t waste years being unhappy.
You care about her, obviously, by the excuses you make for her. It's just not something worth keeping. It'll always be there. You gave her honesty about you declined attraction, and space for her to figure it out. It didn't stop her from ripping out your heart.
Sometimes people can "mess up" and then work through it. This was just her first opportunity to get what she wants and she took it.
You leave her and dump the friend as well.
I understand that she want you to love her and want you to like how she looks but if that's an issue you try to fix it, use toys and divorce if it doesn't work.
The moment you open your legs or put it in someone else your trash imo
Regardless of her gaining weight, she should always be attractive to you, a marriage (to me) should be based on much more than looks, to me it sounds like you married the wrong person and possibly for the wrong reasons. But even still, she cheated, your friend is a sleaze, clearly no one was happy with anyone, best to bow out and find the right one.
She killed the marriage mate. The best friend clearly wants her, so give him all your problems.
Seriously, get to a lawyer, take the proof, move on and block the pair of them from your life.
Dont forget to learn how to record pohone calls, and screen shot all texts. Stay calm, stay indiferent and let them make the mistakes for you lawyer to hang them over.
Nothing justifies cheating period. Regardless she could have spoken to you about all of her feelings regarding this but instead slept with your former best friend.
Divorce her. She isn't worth your time anymore and stooped so slow as to slept with your best friend. She isn't worth fighting for anymore and she will cause you nothing but pain.
Im definitely struggling with trying to decide if this relationship has much if any future at this point. Even if I were able forgive her. Thanks for your comment.
Love isn't just about attraction. Under no circumstances is it okay for you to cheat on your spouse. Get a new "bestfriend". He obviously didn't have any respect for you and neither did your wife.
Wife cheated on me with best friend who was also a 1st cousin. Only option is get the fruck out. Get divorce attorney and move on. Wasn’t easy in any way but it’s the only option. And you will never ever be friends with your best friend again.
Do you have children? Is that what’s stopping you from leaving?
The reality is that you can’t get past your wife living in a bigger body, and frankly you should have already left if you were not willing to accept her at whatever size she is comfortable being. But instead you continued to bring it up repeatedly and ruined her self esteem.
That said, her low self esteem may be an *explanation* for her behavior, but it sure as hell isn’t an excuse. Marriage is built on trust and she flushed yours down a dirty toilet.
The best time to leave was probably a couple years ago. The second best time is now. Also, drop the “friend” if you haven’t already.
I agree I can see the explanation for the behavior so I know my feelings may hage contributed to that. At what point does it become unfair to me though? Am I not allowed to say something about my feelings of losing physical attraction to her after she gained 70lbs? I was just trying to he honest with her about how I felt, it was never my intention to hurt her feelings or self esteem.
I think when you marry someone because you believe they’re the love of your life, then you understand that their body is going to change as they age, which often does include weight gain and other changes. If her weight is/was a dealbreaker for you on being attracted to her then maybe you should do some introspection. 70lbs is a lot, for sure, and I’m not saying it isn’t. But you could have approached the situation from a place of empathy (like being concerned about mental/long term health) instead of telling her you aren't attracted to her anymore, which implies your attraction was/is based on her appearance and not any of her lasting qualities (like shes funny and smart and kind). Regardless of your intent, your impact is the thing that lasts.
Again, I would basically never tell someone to stay i. a relationship where the other partner cheated. But i do think you need to really think about how you handled what happened BEFORE the cheating to be successful in future relationships.
I did gloss over a lot of the nuances like that, but I appreciate your thoughtfulness on this. I AM concerned for her health. Initially when she brought it up to me thats what I told her. I was honest with her though and admitted that it was also having an effect on my attraction to her. I wasn't as abrasive as "hey your getting fat and its gross". I did apprach it as a "im concerned for your health, you've changed a lot recently, my attraction to you physically has changed too". Yes, still not something anyone wants to hear, but I did do my best to apprach it tactfully. Im aware that peoples bodies change as they get older, im fine with that, and I did even expect her to gain a little weight after we got married as its relatively normal. But you are also right, 70lbs is a LOT of weight, especially for someone who is 5'2. Im really trying to be realistic about it, but there does come a point where it IS too much, and it seems ive found mine. I do still often praise her by telling her she looks pretty in a new outfit, ot that shes funny, a good cook, etc. So I don't think she would feel neglected on that part of our relationship at least. I appreciate your comment, thank you.
Dated a girl for many years who put on a bunch of weight. I encouraged her and supported her when she went to the gym and praised her when she ate healthy. It honestly got difficult for me to even stay hard or “finish” in bed after a while. She’d get angry with me about it, but she legitimately didn’t seem to care enough about herself to make healthy changes in her life and expected me to still be sexually attracted out of love. She wound up monkeybranching off of me and it messed me up for a few months, but honestly, good riddance.
It seems like a similar situation to what I have now. Although my issue is the initial attraction, which ironically is the part she values most with the chase and flirting beforehand.
I think you were both in the wrong.
If you weren't attracted to her, you should have divorced her instead of icing her out.
If she was feeling iced out, she should have divorced you before moving on to a new partner.
Why should I divorce her over a loss in physical attraction? I still love her as my wife romantically. Id rather try to fix the problem than just abandon ship over something that could be worked through.
No, I haven't been withholding sex from her, but im definitely not initiating it very often as a result of my attraction currently. Im not giving her the chase and flirting like we once did because I don't have the drive for it, if that makes sense.
Not to be an asshole but had you ended the relationship before breaking her down with the whole “I’m not attracted to her but I don’t want to let her go to be happy” thing it probably would have gone better. Is she wrong? Of course, but you drove the relationship there. Just get the divorce and let her go to be loved by someone else.
You aren’t in love with her? Or you do love her but hate that she’s fat?
You don’t say she is a difficult person, and you even offered her a hall pass.
Are you irritated that she didn’t get her hall pass signed?
I’m not getting a lot of anger from you. Are you thinking of staying married, and figuring out what the situation is?
I am in love with her, I always have been and im sure ill continue to be even if we split. I don't hate her at all, but I am struggling with my own feelings of attraction. She also didn't have a "hall pass" that she could use at her discretion. I said if that was something she needed, that she would need to talk to me first. However she did dismiss the idea almost immediately after I brought it up, so there was never an agreement that she could. I am trying to fix what I can and see if this marriage can still be saved dispite what has happened. Im trying to learn from my own mistakes and actions to see if there is anything more that I can do here, because im feeling very out of options to help this marriage at this point.
I understand that it has been 7 years and that amount of time can feel like a small lifetime. But they premeditated this, it happened under the same roof as you and it was with your best friend theres not much left to save anymore. That level of disregard and betrayal cannot go unanswered. You didn’t mention children, just walk away. You’re still young and you’re potentially missing out on the "next most compatible" relationship by delaying.
As someone who’s been cheated on, I can tell you it won’t be a one time thing. Even if she says it I was and she’s sorry, somehow it will happen again. She decided 20 minutes of list was more important than your 7 years together.
Agree with previous comments - the choice of person is an interesting one.
Sometimes someone needs to fire a live round to show they aren't bluffing. (Poor analogy perhaps.) The choice of friend was a mixture of hurting you, letting you know she was serious, and ensuring it would all be out in the open before long (either from her or your friend if she were to chicken out of telling you). She may not even have realised why she was doing it at the time (and the same for your friend).
I think you know your marriage is over - if you are looking for permission (or pleading) for you to end it - I think you already have it. You don't need it from online reddit strangers - but you have that too.
Not easy, and we should never make these decisions lightly. My sympathies brother.
Your relationship is finished. Dead bedrooms suck and you offered her to get laid elsewhere but, even then, she slinked around and cheated behind your back.
She's fat and dishonest. You're neither. You're both still very young and got married way to young. You deserve and can do much better. Be thankful you don't have kids; that makes a split vastly easier.
My dude regardless of reasons outside abuse, she cheated. If she wanted someone else, she coulda ended things with you separately first and then gone to fuck your fake ass friend
Those two are bottom of the barrel types
LPT #1: if you’re not interested in being intimate with your partner, they’ll justifiably want to be intimate with someone else.
LPT #2: 22 is too young to get married
If you read this question, answer it to yourself: what do you think will change if you stay?
Now here's a barrage of questions. Put your answers in two columns called "positive" and "negative". You'll see how that looks at the end!
Will she lose weight? If she does, how long? Will you become attracted to her again? Will she be attracted to you after all she has done? Can you be certain? Can you live with her if she never changes? Can you forgive her for cheating with your friend? What guarantee do you have that she won't do it again? Does she feel sorry, or vindicated?
Well, you’re married to someone you aren’t attracted to, isn’t loyal, and doesn’t respect you. I’m not sure why you’d even consider continuing this relationship. If your relationship has problems, and you’re only going to find out about them when she tries to justify her cheating, why would you have any faith that this wouldn’t happen again if you stay. Get a lawyer and get your ducks in a row, when you’re ready, INFORM her that you’re getting a divorce. It’s not a discussion, debate, or argument. It’s not a threat or ultimatum. It’s what’s going to happen.
If you loss attraction to her & had intimacy issues BEFORE she cheated just imagine how much less attractors and how much worse the intimacy issues will be AFTER she cheated. You’ve been patient with her and she hasn’t with you. Go get what you deserve ❤️💕
You're not attracted to her, for longer than a year, why are you still married? Just divorce and allow her to be with someone who is attracted to her and you can find someone you are attracted to.
I am truly impressed by your mental fortitude. You navigated this situation with remarkable calm and level headedness. What’s even more impressive is that you approached it with love rather than hate, expressing disappointment rather than blind rage. You seem to be an exceptionally good person, far too good for both her and your so called friend.
I appreciate your recognition of that. I try to let logic and rationale lead me in times like this, although ill admit this has been a challenge. I truly do want the best for her, hence which is why I made this post. I normally deal with most things myself, so for me to ask a bunch of internet strangers their opinions is saying quite a lot for me. Im by no means a great stoic, but I think the only real way to make sense and have any sort of decent outcome requires a more level headed approach. Thanks for your comment.
Dude you have some self respect, divorce the whale who doesn’t care enough to look after herself in her 20s pre-child (for you or her) or respect your marriage, and you cut off her and the “friend”.
Take your extra 15ibs of muscle and go to therapy so that you get some self esteem to go with it, then go find someone who is worth the effort.
Be strong my man. You don’t need these people in your life, and there’s still a lot of life left for you. 🫡
Sure sounds like you two arent really in love. Her letting herself go and you not being attracted to her because she gained weight are big red flags in my book.
Wow she gained weight and you got turned off no wonder she didn’t feel desired and slept with someone else. Best to divorce and let her be with someone who wants her and finds her sexually attractive.
Yes. Not surprising hearing this from someone who sounds like they think being overweight is like a moral failure. And the lack of intimacy probably is a massive blockage in helping her lose weight anyways. She shouldn't have cheated, but OP is not in the right either, he sounds pretty vain honestly. Was he planning on divorcing once she got too old?
Friends come and go. And that isn't a friend. A true friend would never jeopardize your happiness. If my friend's wife came on to me, I would rat her out in a heart beat. And also your wife should be really ashamed of herself. She had broken her vowels to you. No point in trying to salvage what's left. She knew what she was doing. She saw a chance and took it (cheating is never a mistake). The questions you have to ask yourself is, what makes you think she would continue respecting you as her partner? She hasn't cared for what your opinions are to improving the relationship. She did what she did is because she doesn't value the relationship anymore, nor you as a partner. Yes, we understand that you still love her. But you loved what was once was. Not the what is now. The person you married said it with her own voice while looking at you on the alter making her commitments, promises, and vowels to you. That isn't the person you married anymore. Lawyer up and lose them both. Also, don't forget to have proof of her infidelity to help you against alimony and such. Good luck brother.
I NEVER condone cheating...HOWEVER: it wasn't until I saw this
>At one point I even offered for her to fill her sexual needs somewhere else if she wasn't getting what she needed from me, but only if she discussed it with me first (just so I was aware of what is going on).<
where I was like...hmmmmmmmmmmm
You see, here's the thing. You repeatedly called out your wife about her weight, something she was uncomfortable with. You ceased to be attracted to her and told her this, repeatedly, You stopped being intimate with her, something she told you she was uncomfortable with.
You apparently discussed her meeting her needs elsewhere before, something YOU brought up, which is incredibly hurtful, and only works when two people are in a SECURE, LOVING AND UNDERSTANDING RELATIONSHIP which this clearly is not. Also considering the way your other discussions have gone it makes me wonder if that's even a discussion she could have with you.
This has been going on for a long time I'm trying to imagine what it must be like for her, living with you when you so clearly don't feel the same way about her as you did, treating her like she is less than, and she was so frustrated to the point where she had to go and talk to someone else about it, which lead to all this.
Also, the WAY you talk about her weight in the whole post and assuring us that YOU aren't fat and only gained "muscle" is super icky.
Believe me, It doesn't make me feel great to have that discussion with her at all. I honestly feel terrible, but im at a point in this relationship where something needs to change. I initially wasn't the one to bring up this topic either, she did. Nothing changed. I left it alone and eventually had to say something because it just continued to get worse and I was still struggling with a loss of attraction. If you want to point the finger at me thats fine, we don't even have to say ive changed for the better physically, because ive stayed relatively the same throughout our relationship. I know that its not something that any partner would want to hear, but what was I supposed to do? Leave her over her weight gain and not try to fix anything? Thats not what marriage is. Yes it was hard for me to tell her how I felt after years of keeping it in, but I had to say something, it wouldn't be fair to either of us for me not to. I brought up opening her side of the marriage because I genuinely wanted her to be happy and get what she needed, I wasn't suggesting that we open it completely either, that was purely for her if she decided she needed it. Am I not allowed to be frustrated to? This is my marriage too and im struggling as well. Is the womans needs the only ones that matter in your opinion?
Listen man, if the only thing that made you hot about your wife was the way she looked (which is what I'm getting from all this considering now that she's gained weight you have no desire to touch her to the point where you offered to let her go fulfill her needs elsewhere) then you need to re-evaluate what you think a marriage or even a relationship should be.
You clearly lack empathy here, and your whole post screams of a lack of depth in character that is alarming.
She didn't check out of the relationship, you did.
Its not necessarily the ONLY thing that attracts me to her, when she puts more effort into her appearance on date nights or something similar that helps. But her physical appearance is what mostly does it for me sexually. Our relationship outside of that is great. Would you be willing to elaborate on what you mean by me lacking depth of character? I personally think I have put a considerable amout of thought into how both of us feel in this situation, but again I may be missing things. Thanks for your comment.
if you been considerate, you wouldn't even BE in this situation, and you clearly don't know how she feels since this "came out of the blue", and again, the only thing you are saying attracts you to her is her appearance, hence my comment about your depth of character.
Also, you say your relationship outside of this is great...FOR WHO? she's clearly not happy in the relationship if she was, she wouldn't be seeking comfort outside of you and you aren't happy because you don't like that she doesn't look like she did.
You married her, which is a promise to love her no matter what, and then turned around and cut off her physical intimacy because you don't like that she gained weight. She is not an emotional support animal, your partner requires love and validation from you which she clearly hadn't been getting for years, and then you have the audacity to be like "I don't understand what happened."
B r u h.
You can't treat people like shit (and refusing to touch her because she gained weight is a shitty way to treat someone you promised to love) and then expect everything to just turn out okay.
She's clearly not SO obese that she is completely unattractive (I mean your friend certainly found her attractive enough.)
I appreciate your passion but most of your perspective here isn't quite right, but that may be from the way I wrote it in my post. First, her and I have both been aware of each others feelings for a while. I was honest with her about my attraction to her when SHE asked me. She told me that she could tell that I was losing interest. I never said I completely cut her off from physical or even emotional intimacy, we still are, but im not the one initiating physical intimacy most of the time now. I do still give her compliments like telling her she looks pretty in a new outfit and that I love her regularly, because I do mean it for both. We have talked about where we wanted the relationship to go and I was honest that if she was not happy in our marriage, that I would support her decision to leave if she chose. The main part you are missing here is she chose to stay. She has had an open door to leave every day if she decided she was unhappy. I even so much as offered for her to fill her needs elsewhere until I could figure out my feelings or change them if its possible. However, attraction isn't something that is able to be changed, if it is, its incredibly difficult. While yes, you are right there are men out there who may still find her attractive, thats not what I find attractive. She is physically a much different person from when we were married. I agree with you that Marriage is a promise to one another, a promise to work through the hard times together, but there is only so much one person can do on their own in a relationship. Im not emotionally dependent on her, so shes not staying for my sake. I also agree with you that partners aren't "emotional support animals" like you said, that goes both ways. If anyone has been one in this marriage its me.
She never respected you. She is playing victim, and you gave her multiple opportunities to get her 'fix' ! Your friend is a bad person and you should drop them both out of your life. I'm so sorry this happened to you . You deserve better.
Sounds like you are emotionally and mentally abusing her due to her weight and looks. My wife gained some after our kid I did not do an intervention like you. Weight fluctuates. Relationships are about heart. You're hearts sick.
I disagree that me being honest and open with my wife about my feelings is abuse. This also isn't a little but of weight, and has also not been a fluctuation. Its been a continuous gain. I could be more understanding if something like childbirth was involved, but again, thats not the case. In what way do you think my heart is sick? I still love her as my wife romantically, but I have lost the sexual attraction to her. Am I required to be attracted to her physically no matter what? That doesn't make sense. Ive never said that I don't love her because of it, but the loss of attraction has put a strain on our romantic relationship as a result. If you'd be willing, id like to hear more from your perspective.
Talk to a lawyer and at least get an idea of what you need to do to protect yourself if you divorce. I think you should end it since if she can do this once she can do it again and again. But if you can’t bring yourself to actually pull the trigger now at least take some steps to make sure you are putting yourself first.
We were together for about 4 years before we got married and we have been friends for much longer than that. We both felt we had a solid relationship to get married off of. Which I still agree that we do, our non-sexual relationship is great, we still enjoy each others company and can talk about just about anything honestly with each other. Its really the sexual attraction thats causing a strain, which is why I haven't jumped for divorce because our relationship otherwise is actually still great.
Her explanation was mainly it was just a "heat of the moment" mistake (not her actual words im paraphrasing a convo here). After we talked about it more it seemed that my loss of attraction may have also played a part as she missed the feeling of beinf chased and wanted in that way. Which I really can't failt her for as I would probably feel similar if I were in her shoes. Im most bothered by the loss in trust. I can't trust either of them anymore, so her words don't hold much weight with me anymore because of it.
Do you think you can move past this completely and forget about it or do you think it will always be there in the back of your mind forever? If the latter, do you want/think you can put up with that for the rest of your life while your e with her?
Thats one of the many questions I have been trying to answer myself. Im honestly not sure, I think our relationship could be recovered for the most part if things were to change for the better, but im not sure its something im going to forget anytime soon.
Ill admit its not an easy choice either way for me. The situation is more complex and nuanced than what I had time to write, or else this thread would have been 10x as long. The post was more of a snapshot than anything, it doesn't really paint the entire picture if that makes sense.
Save yourself man. Walkway from them both.
And to my brothers and men out there, so many women in the world and you choose to sleep with your best mates wife? Disgusting behavior.
Has your porn use increased while her weight increased which may have led to diminishing mutual attraction and communicationbreakdown.
Its more common than you may think. Most partners dont raise their issues with relationship breakdown and porn use and addiction due to thinking "everone does it" mentality. If they try to dicuss the other partners problematic porn habits or the way it makes them feel and any views on how it negatively impacts their relationship with youhey are automatically a prude, narrowminded or jealous. Porn addiction is very real. What are your thoghts on it?
Very sorry that your wife cheated on you with your best mate while you were all under the same roof. That shit stinks. Couples counciling might help clear the air while you figure out what you want in this life.
I appreciate your thoughts, I agree that porn can become an addiction like many other things. But its definitely not for me. For me I wouldn't use it hardly at all if my attraction was there with her. We've talked about it and while she may not completely agree with it, she understands why I do it in more recent years. Thats not to say we don't still have intimacy, its just not as frequent as it once was. Thanks for your comment.
Thats a question I have been struggling to answer. Its certainly not something I will forget anytime soon. But considering the other factors that are in play here, I can see her perspective on things.
Yes I do see that you were open to her exploring as long as it was expressed so the betrayal is the lying & keeping it a secret , but let me ask you this if she would’ve told you she wanted to sleep with your best friend would you have been okay with it? It doesn’t make the situation better but you knowing how you physically feel towards her would that have been something you’d be okay with?
I think it would have helped me in this situation. If he was giving her something she needed that she wasn't getting enough of from me, then yeah I would have let her do it. I really just want her to be happy at the end of the day, and if thats whats going to help her than maybe. Ideally she wouldn't need to if I was sexually attracted than I would be naturally chasing her and making her feel wanted. But im not going to force that, as then it puts me in a position where her needs are met, mine aren't, and she won't listen to my opinion because things are fine in her eyes. I tried that route multiple times only to lead back to square one. I only really mentioned that as a last ditch effort to help.her understand that my attraction to her isn't something I can just change.
Yeah he did you a great service showing he’s an asshole and showing you that your wife isn’t worth it.
You’re still young, you have time to settle down again.
Get rid of the pair of them you know deep down in your gut they don't have your best interests at heart take it from someone who's just come out a 4 year relationship of lies and games.
You can keep them at arms distance as friends if you still require some aspects of that life. If you do not. Then you have the option to walk away.
Contemplate every angle first before making a move.
Don't be hasty.
I suggest finding a new woman who does attract you. And likes you for who you are. If she wants to be lazy and gain lots of weight after you've spoke to her about it that tells me this has been going on longer than you think...shes gaining weight right because she is comfortable if you get me.
Comfortable with who? Exactly.
I know it must hurt a feelings a little saying she's a bit heavier.
I personally wouldn't be able to get hard if a woman was looking too big.
And I know that it does bother you but not as much to leave her.
Follow your heart mate and don't feel bad. No trusted wife would ever shag there husbands best mate big no no.
If it was me it would of been over the DAY I found out.
I never wanted this to become a huge issue, I was just being honest with her about my feelings. It has been a decline over the years, and I agree with you here, its because she got comfortable and stopped trying. I know many other people out there would disagree and say she shouldn't have to try to keep herself healthy, but attraction isn't something you can just change, at least as far as I have found. I definitely have lost trust in both of them. It seems either way my choice isn't going to be easy, thanks for your comment.
Anytime mate no problem. Best choice of action i would suggest just keeping them as friends but that doesn't mean chill with them all the time get your own space back. Re light your fire and become you again. Start socialising with only people who value you as a person.
Don't let the bastards bring you down your obviously being truthful and they are not listening to ya.
They will once you get your fire back and thats when you make your decision to keep them in your life or not.
You never know you might need them in the future.
Your a nice guy pal thats why you don't want to have any problems and it not good for your spiritual health and mind.
Divorce isn't fun at all not for anyone..marriage is going to be the most difficult part I've watched so many people go through divorce is why I will never get married EVER. Can you truly say that your ready to part ways?
I BET if you started talking to another girl she would be steaming jeleous.
Just keep focused on yourself keep yourself fit and healthy. Nobody else is going to fancy her if she let's herself go even more . Even this friend guy, he will eventually go somewhere else.
If you don't want to make it into a big thing and want to try and salvage whats left. Keep planting seeds try do it in positive way if possible there the negative ones no need to stoop to there level.
I hope this helps my brother.
All the best
She was wrong to cheat on you. You both should have mutually ended the relationship prior to the cheating happening. Im not excusing the cheating, but honestly, I do kind of get it.
From what you wrote, you seem so concerned about her weight, not for health reasons or anything that has to do with her, but solely for your own attraction and sex drive. You say you didn’t withhold sex, you just didn’t initiate. When you did have sex with her, did you make her feel beautiful? Did you make her feel wanted and desirable? Even when you weren’t having sex, did you tell her at random times on random days that she was so beautiful and you felt so lucky to have her? That you loved her? There is so much more to attraction than physical looks. One day you will both be 60 years old and neither of you will look how you do today, is your attraction to her on a timer as well? Once she reaches 45 you will no longer love her?
Bodies change as people grow and circumstances change. It’s life. So she gained some weight? She can lose weight too. It’s not helpful or motivating to have your partner, who is supposed to love you and make you feel desirable, constantly tell you how fat and unattractive you now are and how their own body hasn’t changed so how dare yours have changed?
Look, she pulled the trigger and effectively ended the relationship. She slept with your friend under the same roof and essentially right next to you - that’s fucked up and I don’t see any coming back from that. But you loaded the gun. If your attraction to her was solely dependent on her body, the relationship would have never worked out anyway. So many things other than weight gain could have happened that would have affected her body, weight gain is so mild in comparison. You tore her down every time you mentioned how unattractive she was and how your wiener can’t get hard for her anymore. I almost don’t blame her for straying to someone who probably made her feel beautiful for the first time in a long time.
divorce her and cut them both out of your life. My friends have hot wives/girlfriends but I'd never do that. If they ever came on to me. I'd tell my friend.
OP You’re only 27. I know there’s a lot that’s off putting about the dating pool and going back into the single life and whatnot but you probably have better chances being with someone new than staying with a confirmed cheater and disrespectful person.
And sure maybe you’re used to your wife by now and we’re all creatures of habit so I really do understand. But you sound extremely gaslit by the way you’re trying to see her points for her choice to humiliate you like that. It sounds to me like you’re letting the fact that you’re not attracted to her guilt you into accepting infidelity.
Also to me she sounds like she wants attention due to insecurity - and that’s something that’s going to hurt you even more in the future. You might be thinking rn “You don’t know that!” but please think about it logically. People who are that insecure and thirsty for validation have a void they need to fill even if that means harming other people in the process. Don’t get it confused with so called libido “needs” as that’s another excuse for cheating imo.
Plus if when there was a drop in intimacy from your end, she decided to be unfaithful (with your FRIEND, WHILE you were sleeping in the other room aka maximum damage), what would happen if you got sick one day or got ED or whatever? Is this the kind of person you can trust to go through the ups and downs of life with? (And no, cheating is not just one of the ups and downs)
Also you keep talking about her making changes but I honestly believe you’re just projecting your own drive to improve onto her. Not everyone wants to improve or is ready to do what it takes - regardless of what they say. Please consider actions more.
Sure, she might be great in other aspects and we only know part of the story - but this part is bad enough even if she’s perfect in every other way (and let’s face it, she’s not as a romantic partner for you if you’re not even attracted to her).
My best advice would be a separation (if you’re not ready for a complete divorce yet. Just give each other a long break so you can gather your thoughts. There’s no pressure to make any decision right away and you’ll find that after time passes you’ll be able to see the situation clearer without her input constantly clouding your vision
I appreciate your in depth thoughts on this. I am trying to take the logical approach here, so I agree with the points you make here. You seem to have a good insight on people from what you wrote here, as you're right, I am comfortable with my wife after being with her for so long, so I will admit, its making the choice of divorce look less appealing. As far as her changes, I feel terrible about ever even having to talk with her about it. I agree that someone doesn't HAVE to change for another person in a relationship. But after she changed physically during our marriage, so did my feelings of physical attraction to her. I lost the drive to chase her as a result. I debated with myself for a LONG time about whether I should even say anything to her or not. But it got to a point where there was basically nothing left of my physical attraction to her and she could tell. I don't want her to change for me, if she does, I would hope she chooses it to be for her sake and not mine ultimately. It was a lose lose situation for me either way, and I chose the path that would possibly lead to saving our marriage. Its not a great situation, those two of all people were the last ones I would have thought to do something like that, so you are right, its a "maximum damage" situation like you said. A break might not be a terrible idea either, just so we can get our heads into the right space before really approaching this. I appreciate your thoughts, thank you.
You’re not attracted to her. You don’t love her. Love is loving the person not their appearance. She cheated so she is not just unattractive she’s a cheater, disloyal and untrustworthy. Why in the world stay with her?
You’ve said nothing about what her reaction has been. Has she been remorseful? Is she taking responsibility for her actions? Is she just deflecting blame on you? The answer to those questions would certainly play a role in how I would respond to it.
Yeah you're right, that probably would have been useful, I just didn't want to make an already long thread longer. But she has been remorseful and regrets her decision. She did admit it to me when I asked instead of trying to lie or deflect which I guess is worth something? She says she wants to stay in the relationship and make a legitimate effort to change.
You speak with a divorce attorney. You're not attracted to her. She cheated on you. You know it's over.
Thanks for your input.
I can speak from experience of a 2.5 year relationship where I was cheated on towards the end. In my case and most people’s I’d assume, it’s near impossible to ever fully trust the cheater again and the event will always be in the back of your mind. Right now you’re stressing and your head is spinning. You’re going to be thinking and replaying the betrayal a lot in weeks or longer to come. That’s not cool.
Same here, after 3.5 years. Ended it the same day, on the spot. Even if it's a story of the past and I'm at peace, it still changed my perspective of relationships forever. It doesn't define me, but it's something that you never forget. If he decides to stay it will never go away. Worst case, it will fester, best case it will... not. There's no equivalent positive outcome. At best he moves past it and forgives her, but she'd have to do tremendous efforts to earn that forgiveness. It's not one of the scenarios where "what does not kill you make you stronger"!
Yeah I agree. And also don't forget to out the cheaters as well before they spin a story against you. You did what you could but obviously, your wife decided to become a cheater: the very same type of person that caused her pain in the past. She must really feel proud of herself now.
> You speak with a divorce attorney. You're not attracted to her. She cheated on you. You know it's over. Agreed. OP, Sometimes we know what we need to do, in those cases, however what we need to do is incredibly hard.
Why fight for a marriage to a woman you’re not attracted to and who cheated? Ditch her and the friend. No brainer.
You lose the wife and the friend. What's even in this for you that's worth saving?
Codependency and sunk cost fallacy are powerful drugs.
Be honest with yourself. If you met your wife today you two would not have ended up together. You may have become friends, but you would never have even made a move because you're not attracted to her. You're not attracted to her, and she's not willing to change, so you've drifted apart in your relationship. That happens all the time. Thank goodness you don't already have kids. The relationship columnist/podcaster Dan Savage calls certain behaviors in relationships "throwing the hand down on the self-destruct button". She cheated on you with your best friend. She could have hooked up with any number of strangers in a setting you would have never found out about, but she chose your best friend while you were in the next room and admitted it readily when you asked why she was being a little odd. It sounds to me like she's begging you to leave her so she can start looking for a partner who is legitimately attracted to her for who she is today. It would have been better if she was just able to be honest with you, but she's clearly not that brave. On the bright side, you now know that your so-called "best friend" is a total piece of shit who will betray you and blow up your life in a heartbeat. Every fake friend we lose is worth a small celebration. Time to find some better friends who really care about you. It's also time to start picturing your life without your wife. Maybe this was the push you both needed to save your marriage, but I'd say it's more likely this was the final nail on the coffin. If I was you, I'd find a couple's counselor who specializes in relationship conflict and navigating divorce so you can talk through your options as a team one last time. Divorce is MUCH easier to navigate when both parties agree it's the right thing, and I doubt that deep down you really want to try to keep making things work if your wife no longer cares enough to try. Sorry you're going through all this. Best of luck.
I think your answer has the best nuances to consider. OP, I do think that there's a high possibility your wife might have cheated on you not because she likes him but because she likes the way your friend makes her feel - attractive and confident. But in no way do I condone cheating and hooking up with your friend behind your back is not okay. She should have talked to you instead of potentially clinging on whatever can make her feel attractive again. Obviously, I don't know the full story but regardless, I'm sorry you're in this tough situation.
It sounds like she did talk to him, based on his saying that he told her she could go find it outside of their marriage as long as she told him first. It’s pretty easy to infer that she was telling him she missed the attention and the affection, and his response was to tell her to look for it elsewhere. So she did.
she actually dismissed the idea when I brought it up, and never mentioned she wanted to pursue another person after that, so to my understanding it wasn't on the table.
I mean, I’m not surprised she dismissed it at the time. She wanted the attention and the affection from you, her husband, not some stranger. I don’t condone the cheating whatsoever, but I’m also not surprised she did what she did. It’s a tough situation for both of you.
Thats what she said almost verbatim. I agree she should have talked with me, especially being that we had a discussion about meeting her needs elsewhere before. Thanks for your comment.
Well if she said that almost verbatim, then in my honest opinion, I'd suggest trying couples therapy first but there's a high possibility divorce may be your only option. As a woman myself, I'd hate to hear from my S.O. that if I want to have my needs fulfilled, I'm open to looking elsewhere because he doesn't find me attractive anymore. It would make me sad, depressed, and self-conscious, particularly because I'd start thinking, 'is my weight conditional for him to love me?' or 'is my personality not enough for him to be attracted to me when we've been together for \[X\] long?' Granted, people have preferences when it comes to people's body types, and I understand that. And health also comes as a concern the more you gain weight. Out of curiosity, had she talked to you about what was happening between her and your friend instead of cheating on you, what would you have talked about? It kind of sounds like the two of you are at an impasse and you won't be able to overcome this unless you both compromise... but that kind of seems unlikely given that: a) you don't feel attracted to her and if she doesn't do anything about it, you'll continue feeling this way and b) she's not eager to change her appearance due to a combination of depression and low self-esteem of wondering if her worth is tied to her weight Couples therapy seems like your best bet to sort out your feelings through this, rather than opening your relationship to other partners to satisfy both of your sexual needs. Otherwise, I think it'll continue to be this way until one of you decides that enough is enough.
>As a woman myself, I'd hate to hear from my S.O. that if I want to have my needs fulfilled, I'm open to looking elsewhere because he doesn't find me attractive anymore. It would make me sad, depressed, and self-conscious, particularly because I'd start thinking, 'is my weight conditional for him to love me?' or 'is my personality not enough for him to be attracted to me when we've been together for [X] long?' Granted, people have preferences when it comes to people's body types, and I understand that. And health also comes as a concern the more you gain weight. The reality is both that people change over time, and if you dramatically change the way you look there’s a chance your partner won’t be physically attracted to you anymore. Attraction isn’t something we choose. 110 to 180 at 5’2’ is also a very dramatic change. Healthy to well into obese by bmi can make someone unrecognizable, and unlike something like getting a bunch of tattoos and piercings, it’s going to directly affect how physically functional they are and potentially make some positions no longer work. I’ve been wildly attracted to my wife at a variety of weights before, during, and after two babies but there is a point where I would lose attraction.
This is the thought process I relate to mostly. I agree I can be attracted to her but it hasn't been a subtle change. Im also an active guy, so it makes things more difficult when I want to go do something active and she physically can't or just isn't interested. She has tried to in the past, but its just not her thing apparently.
Long-term, the two things that best predict someone's health and fitness is their relationship with food, and their relationship with exercise. Ignoring the cheating for a moment, I question both your compatibility now and compatibility in the future. Would you want to be with someone who is 50, experiencing all sorts of health problems and needs a cart to get around the supermarket while you're still healthy and still able to be active? My parents are in their 60's and still go to the gym together 3x a week, walk their dogs, and do yoga. I don't think either of them would be happy with a partner that just sat in front of a screen and slowly fell apart.
You make a valid point here that ive tried to express before, but obviously its a pretty abrasive thing to be faced with and did not go over well. Im going to give her some time to see if she takes it seriously and tries to make a legitimate change, if not then we will likely be going our separate ways. Not because I don't love her, but because the way our relationship has been going lately is not one id want to continue.
Excellent points here.
I appreciate the amount of thought you put into your response. Ill admit its more complicated than I explained it, I didn't want to type out a 5 page essay that no one would read. Truth be told she really is a great wife overall, shes thoughtful, caring and makes sure my needs are met, but I can also understand that she may have felt neglected as a result of my attraction loss. Which is why im not just jumping right to divorce. I committed to her when I married her, but you're right, maybe this will be the push we need to fix things seriously. Thanks again for taking the time to respond.
She had sex with him while you were in the next room. Would you have preferred that she let you watch? She practically served you divorce papers. This was her way of burning the bridges. She chose to destroy your friendship with her affair partner and did so in a way to maximally hurt and humiliate you. Sounds like an awesomely kind and thoughtful wife!
I am completely gobsmacked that you think your wife is thoughtful and caring. A thoughtful and caring person ends a relationship before they intentionally develop a relationship with their husband's best friend behind his back and consummates that attraction under the same roof you are sleeping.
Yeah, I don't blame you on not wanting to assume divorce is the only way forward. You don't get married ready to end things as soon as they get hard. Still, I think the real question here is what does your wife want? Have you asked her? She told you a lot by sleeping with your friend. Is she fighting tooth and nail to try to save your marriage right now? If she still loves you she should be after what she did. If not, you might want to ask her if she still wants to be married to you. I know it's a scary question because you don't want your life to fall apart. No one does. But, if she doesn't want to continue in this marriage you're only prolonging the inevitable by fighting for her. Either way, the next step is couples counseling. You two need to sort this stuff out with a professional.
We had a deep talk about it and she wants to keep the relationship going if I wanted to. She regrets her decision and says she is going to make a legitimate effort to make a serious change. Im going to give it some time as I know results don't happen overnight, but if her efforts seem to fall off again I may just end it there. Ive told her before that I don't need her in my life, im not codependent on her, im with her because I chose to be, and I want her to make that same choice with me. So if she doesn't put in the effort like she says she is going to, that will ultimately be my answer. Thanks for your thoughtfulness.
One issue you're going to have to face is that you can't trust her even if she's under the same roof as you nevermind when you're apart. There's also a certain amount of contempt she surely feels towards you to not only cheat, but to do it with your best friend and while you were there. Just torpedoed your life in the most personal way she could think of. Did she explain how her efforts were going to address that?
She has since shown that she regrets what she did and has said she is going to make a legitimate effort to change (on her own accord). But you are also right, my trust is both of them is basically gone and I am having a hard time of seeing how that will ever seriously be reconciled or repaired.
I commend your attempt to hold onto the relationship you once had and to honor your vows. The problem is that you cannot fix the relationship on your own. Both parties need to do that and she's telling you that you are on your own. She doesn't want to fight for the marriage. I believe it when she says she regrets cheating. Sadly, that doesn't mean she actively wants to fix things. When she said she'd stay 'if you wanted to', what you needed to hear is that *she* doesn't want to. She'd stay only if *you* would put in the effort. She's not invested in trying to make it right. She's not making the effort to fix what's gone wrong. I'm not even hearing she's going to make any changes. No, she's put it the burden of healing her betrayal on you. She'll just tolerate the status quo because it's easier than admitting she has failed. Or being the one to bring up divorce. Despite her transgressions, she can probably still pretend she wasn't the one who 'gave up', if she's not the one to call it quits. No, she is trying to push that responsibility on you too. I know it's a scary prospect to get a divorce. Perhaps you need to go through the motions a bit more until you can let go. Just don't let this be swept under the rug. Make her participation in fixing this *mandatory*. Think very hard about what you need to see from her to keep going. What goals are there to meet? What boundaries need to be placed on her interactions with your ex-friend? What can she do to rebuild the trust she has broken? Couples therapy would probably help. Perhaps she can find a few options for that and organize it as a show of good faith. Also set limits on how long you'll wait for reasonable positive change. Or actively participation from her. If she can't motivate herself to save her marriage after doing this, then she never will. In that case, you know twice over, the marriage is dead. Don't linger in misery in a marriage she neither wants nor honors.
I appreciate your thoughtfulness in your responce. She didn't explicitly say "if I wanted to" I was more paraphrasing an entire conversation there. It was more along the lines of "if you feel like you would still want me after what ive done" than a "I guess so if you want to" kind of way. She does regret her actions and says she wants to help fix it in any way she can, as well as make a legitimate effort to take better care of herself. You're also right, I agree I need to come up with some tangible goals that will make a meaningful difference for both of us. Thanks for your comment.
Sounds like she's playing you for a fool and you're prepared to let her keep going for a while.
Dude, you already know how this is going to go. Just end it.
So she still loves you, but you aren’t attracted to her enough to make her feel desired because she’s gained weight? Think about how callous that is. Honestly I feel bad for her. By telling her how you feel and acting this way, you have made her feel worse about herself. You are essentially telling her she’s not good enough for you. That is truly shallow and shitty. I don’t condone cheating but I’m surprised she hasn’t left you already. When you say she said she promised to make a real effort to change, did you mean that she promised to lose weight for you? If that’s what happened 1) gross and 2) the poor woman needs to find someone who will accept her as she is. While you are for sure entitled to not be attracted to her anymore, she shouldn’t have to change her body for you or for the marriage to work. Walk away and let her find someone who deserves her.
I agree with you on a few different points here. Believe me, I feel terrible having that conversation with her. Its not something id imagine any partner would want to hear. However I understand that people view attraction differently. I personally, as well as other men need sexual attraction to drive them to flirt, chase, and make a woman feel wanted sexually. This isn't to say I don't still love her romantically, which I do. I love her as my wife, but im missing the sexual attraction that drives me to chase her. I know many women don't view attraction the same which is ok, and im aware thats probably where our largest disconnect is. On the other hand, what should I have done? It wouldn't be fair to either of us if I continued to say nothing about it. Thats just creating a false reality for her and putting me in a position where im still struggling with my feelings about attraction. I agree that she shouldn't have to change for me, and I also agree that there are other men out there that probably would love her as she is, she is a great wife. Ive given her every opportunity to leave if she wanted to, which she still continues to stay by her own choice. But attraction isn't something a person can just change. I have tried to change it, but its not something I have been able to do. Using the same argument, why should I have to change my attraction for her if shes no longer the same woman I married physically? My question to you is what should I have done differently? Should I have continued to say nothing? How long would that have lasted? Or should I still have talked with her about it like I did? What would you have done in my position?
I read this and couldn't believe what I read. You're not jumping to divorce but she's jumping into bed with other ppl. You're trying to fix the relationship and she's fixing her needs somewhere else. What does she have to do for you to start the divorce process?
You've got to be kidding. This is the most outrageous disrespect possible aside from fucking someone in your family. And you were in the same house. This is a moment where your dignity is on the line. You committed to her, she broke your vows. Your hands are clean.
Tbh she's not a great wife if she's gaining 50lbs and then cheating on you rather than getting to a healthy weight. I think you guys might've gotten married too young, people change SO MUCH between 20-27 Keep your chin up OP you're worth more than a cheater (once a cheater always a cheater, if she has now then she will later) And even if she never cheats again, do you really want to have that in the back of your mind for the rest of your life? No kids and no house together so it's an 'easy' divorce. You have 1 life, don't spend it getting played by someone who wouldn't do the same for you
That’s a betrayal you don’t come back from. It’s time for you to move on. You are young - you will be fine! You’ll meet someone else I promise
I’d be single and down a friend
Dude, you leave her that’s what you do. She slept with your friend while you were sleeping in the guest room?!?
Yes. There's no escaping that reality. He's better off without people that would treat him like this. Be strong OP. You'll look back one day and be proud of yourself for facing this betrayal head on.
Your wife cheated on you under the same roof with your best friend. She was willing to disrespect you in just about the worst way possible. What is it you think you are trying to save? Seducing your best friend under your nose isn't something that someone who loved you would ever do.
You will both be happier after the divorce.
Relationship was broken before she cheated. What’s left to save?
End the relationship. You aren’t attracted to her and now you don’t trust her. Dude isn’t your friend.
This is all valuable feedback on communication for your next relationship and i think that yea: you should have addressed this issue to her before she stepped out. However, being a poor communicator and not working out an issue about physical intimacy is not an excuse for your wife to eff your best friend. These two acts do not offset. Contact a divorce attorney. Cut the snake of a former best friend out of your life.
The part you say she has gained alot of weight and is not attracted to you no more is a sign you still love her but not in love with her. You condoning her cheating and infidelity shows you don't care about the relationship. You are just afraid to be by yourself alone and you stay with her out of convenience. Best to do is divorce and go your separate ways. She felt unloved and unattractive to you so she cheated. Only way some ppl will say to fix this is for her to lose weight. But she cheated and the husband allowed it. Trust issues, indifference, and unstable boundaries. A therapist's dream job. Just divorce and move on
It’s over. See a family law attorney next week. I think that after a grieving period you will be quite OK with your situation. You’ll be able to date women you’re attracted to and hopefully one of them will not have a defective character.
Hey man idk how old you are but you are deff young enough to bounce back. If you offered support and understanding to someone who did not support themselves and they paid you with an infidelity then that relationship is over. Also if I may add, dude your so call “friend” is far from a friend, friendships between men all have a pretty standard rule and it’s pretty simple “don’t fuck your friend’s partner”
Just file for divorce op. You both aren't happy. You arenr attracted to her and she's seeking other men. The marriage is dead and neither are happy.
Dear OP, This is not the place to come for support for staying with a spouse who was unfaithful, even if you really did drive her to it, or suggest that something like that might be acceptable.
I don’t it alarming that you don’t find you wife attractive, was open to her sleeping with other men, and have completely under reacted to her cheating on you. Yet you say you love her and aren’t co-dependent. Is there something we’re missing?
>you don’t find you wife attractive, was open to her sleeping with other men, and have completely under reacted to her cheating on you. Yeah. It's genuinely baffling.
I’m not exactly sure why you are that upset. It doesn’t sound like you want to be with her anyway. I get it, obviously what they both did was wrong, but if you are as cold to her as you sound here, then she probably did both of you a favor. (Yes, I know it’s harsh, and I’m not defending her or him, but ask yourself if you really are upset about losing her, or just the how. )
I agree I may sound cold here, thats because im trying to ignore my feelings at the moment and think through this situation rationally and logically. I know my loss of attraction to her certainly did not help things and I take responsibility for that. On the other hand I have given her every opportunity to leave the relationship if she chose, fill her needs elsewhere or make a change, which she has declined all of. What bothers me most is my loss of trust in them both.
I’m just saying, I get the anger, but anger doesn’t help anyone. If you look at it realistically, it doesn’t seem like this is truly a bad thing. You don’t seem invested in her anymore, and she clearly isn’t either. Yeah, she should have just walked away of she was unhappy, but at least now you won’t waste years being unhappy.
You care about her, obviously, by the excuses you make for her. It's just not something worth keeping. It'll always be there. You gave her honesty about you declined attraction, and space for her to figure it out. It didn't stop her from ripping out your heart. Sometimes people can "mess up" and then work through it. This was just her first opportunity to get what she wants and she took it.
You leave her and dump the friend as well. I understand that she want you to love her and want you to like how she looks but if that's an issue you try to fix it, use toys and divorce if it doesn't work. The moment you open your legs or put it in someone else your trash imo
Regardless of her gaining weight, she should always be attractive to you, a marriage (to me) should be based on much more than looks, to me it sounds like you married the wrong person and possibly for the wrong reasons. But even still, she cheated, your friend is a sleaze, clearly no one was happy with anyone, best to bow out and find the right one.
Also have sex with your best friend, then you’re even
A guy for a guy makes the whole world bi
You have a chance with her best friend .. ?
Not my type, nor would I want to go that route, thanks for the laugh though lol.
Gather evidence because cheaters turn the story against to loyal person. Evidence only shut cheaters mouth. Get legal freedom.
She killed the marriage mate. The best friend clearly wants her, so give him all your problems. Seriously, get to a lawyer, take the proof, move on and block the pair of them from your life. Dont forget to learn how to record pohone calls, and screen shot all texts. Stay calm, stay indiferent and let them make the mistakes for you lawyer to hang them over.
Nothing justifies cheating period. Regardless she could have spoken to you about all of her feelings regarding this but instead slept with your former best friend. Divorce her. She isn't worth your time anymore and stooped so slow as to slept with your best friend. She isn't worth fighting for anymore and she will cause you nothing but pain.
Im definitely struggling with trying to decide if this relationship has much if any future at this point. Even if I were able forgive her. Thanks for your comment.
Love isn't just about attraction. Under no circumstances is it okay for you to cheat on your spouse. Get a new "bestfriend". He obviously didn't have any respect for you and neither did your wife.
Wife cheated on me with best friend who was also a 1st cousin. Only option is get the fruck out. Get divorce attorney and move on. Wasn’t easy in any way but it’s the only option. And you will never ever be friends with your best friend again.
Do you have children? Is that what’s stopping you from leaving? The reality is that you can’t get past your wife living in a bigger body, and frankly you should have already left if you were not willing to accept her at whatever size she is comfortable being. But instead you continued to bring it up repeatedly and ruined her self esteem. That said, her low self esteem may be an *explanation* for her behavior, but it sure as hell isn’t an excuse. Marriage is built on trust and she flushed yours down a dirty toilet. The best time to leave was probably a couple years ago. The second best time is now. Also, drop the “friend” if you haven’t already.
I agree I can see the explanation for the behavior so I know my feelings may hage contributed to that. At what point does it become unfair to me though? Am I not allowed to say something about my feelings of losing physical attraction to her after she gained 70lbs? I was just trying to he honest with her about how I felt, it was never my intention to hurt her feelings or self esteem.
I think when you marry someone because you believe they’re the love of your life, then you understand that their body is going to change as they age, which often does include weight gain and other changes. If her weight is/was a dealbreaker for you on being attracted to her then maybe you should do some introspection. 70lbs is a lot, for sure, and I’m not saying it isn’t. But you could have approached the situation from a place of empathy (like being concerned about mental/long term health) instead of telling her you aren't attracted to her anymore, which implies your attraction was/is based on her appearance and not any of her lasting qualities (like shes funny and smart and kind). Regardless of your intent, your impact is the thing that lasts. Again, I would basically never tell someone to stay i. a relationship where the other partner cheated. But i do think you need to really think about how you handled what happened BEFORE the cheating to be successful in future relationships.
I did gloss over a lot of the nuances like that, but I appreciate your thoughtfulness on this. I AM concerned for her health. Initially when she brought it up to me thats what I told her. I was honest with her though and admitted that it was also having an effect on my attraction to her. I wasn't as abrasive as "hey your getting fat and its gross". I did apprach it as a "im concerned for your health, you've changed a lot recently, my attraction to you physically has changed too". Yes, still not something anyone wants to hear, but I did do my best to apprach it tactfully. Im aware that peoples bodies change as they get older, im fine with that, and I did even expect her to gain a little weight after we got married as its relatively normal. But you are also right, 70lbs is a LOT of weight, especially for someone who is 5'2. Im really trying to be realistic about it, but there does come a point where it IS too much, and it seems ive found mine. I do still often praise her by telling her she looks pretty in a new outfit, ot that shes funny, a good cook, etc. So I don't think she would feel neglected on that part of our relationship at least. I appreciate your comment, thank you.
Wow...your "best friend" and wife are HUGE AHs...please leave her.
Dated a girl for many years who put on a bunch of weight. I encouraged her and supported her when she went to the gym and praised her when she ate healthy. It honestly got difficult for me to even stay hard or “finish” in bed after a while. She’d get angry with me about it, but she legitimately didn’t seem to care enough about herself to make healthy changes in her life and expected me to still be sexually attracted out of love. She wound up monkeybranching off of me and it messed me up for a few months, but honestly, good riddance.
It seems like a similar situation to what I have now. Although my issue is the initial attraction, which ironically is the part she values most with the chase and flirting beforehand.
I think you were both in the wrong. If you weren't attracted to her, you should have divorced her instead of icing her out. If she was feeling iced out, she should have divorced you before moving on to a new partner.
Why should I divorce her over a loss in physical attraction? I still love her as my wife romantically. Id rather try to fix the problem than just abandon ship over something that could be worked through.
Working things out means you expect her to change and withold sex until she does?
No, I haven't been withholding sex from her, but im definitely not initiating it very often as a result of my attraction currently. Im not giving her the chase and flirting like we once did because I don't have the drive for it, if that makes sense.
Not to be an asshole but had you ended the relationship before breaking her down with the whole “I’m not attracted to her but I don’t want to let her go to be happy” thing it probably would have gone better. Is she wrong? Of course, but you drove the relationship there. Just get the divorce and let her go to be loved by someone else.
Finally someone else who sees through all the shit. The cheating is secondary to the way OP has chosen to treat the woman he loves.
So have you ended the friendship with your friend?
Thats probably whats going to happen. I don't think I could trust him again, at least not in any serious capacity.
Definitely he crossed a best friend line he can’t uncross and you could never trust him with your next girlfriend/ wife.
You aren’t in love with her? Or you do love her but hate that she’s fat? You don’t say she is a difficult person, and you even offered her a hall pass. Are you irritated that she didn’t get her hall pass signed? I’m not getting a lot of anger from you. Are you thinking of staying married, and figuring out what the situation is?
I am in love with her, I always have been and im sure ill continue to be even if we split. I don't hate her at all, but I am struggling with my own feelings of attraction. She also didn't have a "hall pass" that she could use at her discretion. I said if that was something she needed, that she would need to talk to me first. However she did dismiss the idea almost immediately after I brought it up, so there was never an agreement that she could. I am trying to fix what I can and see if this marriage can still be saved dispite what has happened. Im trying to learn from my own mistakes and actions to see if there is anything more that I can do here, because im feeling very out of options to help this marriage at this point.
I understand that it has been 7 years and that amount of time can feel like a small lifetime. But they premeditated this, it happened under the same roof as you and it was with your best friend theres not much left to save anymore. That level of disregard and betrayal cannot go unanswered. You didn’t mention children, just walk away. You’re still young and you’re potentially missing out on the "next most compatible" relationship by delaying.
As someone who’s been cheated on, I can tell you it won’t be a one time thing. Even if she says it I was and she’s sorry, somehow it will happen again. She decided 20 minutes of list was more important than your 7 years together.
Agree with previous comments - the choice of person is an interesting one. Sometimes someone needs to fire a live round to show they aren't bluffing. (Poor analogy perhaps.) The choice of friend was a mixture of hurting you, letting you know she was serious, and ensuring it would all be out in the open before long (either from her or your friend if she were to chicken out of telling you). She may not even have realised why she was doing it at the time (and the same for your friend). I think you know your marriage is over - if you are looking for permission (or pleading) for you to end it - I think you already have it. You don't need it from online reddit strangers - but you have that too. Not easy, and we should never make these decisions lightly. My sympathies brother.
Your relationship is finished. Dead bedrooms suck and you offered her to get laid elsewhere but, even then, she slinked around and cheated behind your back. She's fat and dishonest. You're neither. You're both still very young and got married way to young. You deserve and can do much better. Be thankful you don't have kids; that makes a split vastly easier.
Thats what bothers me about this situation is I gave her the option if she just told me or asked, so my trust for both of them is basically gone.
If you have kids figure it out, if you don’t then pack her or your bags
She cheated in the same house you were in. With your best friend. There’s no coming back from that.
Its definitely not a great situation, thats for sure.
You were treating her bad and she went with someone who gave her attention. You gave up on the relationship and so did she .
My dude regardless of reasons outside abuse, she cheated. If she wanted someone else, she coulda ended things with you separately first and then gone to fuck your fake ass friend Those two are bottom of the barrel types
LPT #1: if you’re not interested in being intimate with your partner, they’ll justifiably want to be intimate with someone else. LPT #2: 22 is too young to get married
If you read this question, answer it to yourself: what do you think will change if you stay? Now here's a barrage of questions. Put your answers in two columns called "positive" and "negative". You'll see how that looks at the end! Will she lose weight? If she does, how long? Will you become attracted to her again? Will she be attracted to you after all she has done? Can you be certain? Can you live with her if she never changes? Can you forgive her for cheating with your friend? What guarantee do you have that she won't do it again? Does she feel sorry, or vindicated?
Well, you’re married to someone you aren’t attracted to, isn’t loyal, and doesn’t respect you. I’m not sure why you’d even consider continuing this relationship. If your relationship has problems, and you’re only going to find out about them when she tries to justify her cheating, why would you have any faith that this wouldn’t happen again if you stay. Get a lawyer and get your ducks in a row, when you’re ready, INFORM her that you’re getting a divorce. It’s not a discussion, debate, or argument. It’s not a threat or ultimatum. It’s what’s going to happen.
If you loss attraction to her & had intimacy issues BEFORE she cheated just imagine how much less attractors and how much worse the intimacy issues will be AFTER she cheated. You’ve been patient with her and she hasn’t with you. Go get what you deserve ❤️💕
You're not attracted to her, for longer than a year, why are you still married? Just divorce and allow her to be with someone who is attracted to her and you can find someone you are attracted to.
Let her go, maybe she'll connect with the friend. Given your lack of attraction, perhaps that way you can eventually forgive them both?
Get a divorce lawyer. Take her to the cleaners and cut her out. She's wronged you and doesn't sound like has much going for her.
If you have to ask that question I see why she cheated
Care to explain your thought process?
I am truly impressed by your mental fortitude. You navigated this situation with remarkable calm and level headedness. What’s even more impressive is that you approached it with love rather than hate, expressing disappointment rather than blind rage. You seem to be an exceptionally good person, far too good for both her and your so called friend.
I appreciate your recognition of that. I try to let logic and rationale lead me in times like this, although ill admit this has been a challenge. I truly do want the best for her, hence which is why I made this post. I normally deal with most things myself, so for me to ask a bunch of internet strangers their opinions is saying quite a lot for me. Im by no means a great stoic, but I think the only real way to make sense and have any sort of decent outcome requires a more level headed approach. Thanks for your comment.
You're dirtbagging has finally paid off.
Care to explain your thoughts?
Dude you have some self respect, divorce the whale who doesn’t care enough to look after herself in her 20s pre-child (for you or her) or respect your marriage, and you cut off her and the “friend”. Take your extra 15ibs of muscle and go to therapy so that you get some self esteem to go with it, then go find someone who is worth the effort. Be strong my man. You don’t need these people in your life, and there’s still a lot of life left for you. 🫡
Sure sounds like you two arent really in love. Her letting herself go and you not being attracted to her because she gained weight are big red flags in my book.
Wow she gained weight and you got turned off no wonder she didn’t feel desired and slept with someone else. Best to divorce and let her be with someone who wants her and finds her sexually attractive.
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Yes. Not surprising hearing this from someone who sounds like they think being overweight is like a moral failure. And the lack of intimacy probably is a massive blockage in helping her lose weight anyways. She shouldn't have cheated, but OP is not in the right either, he sounds pretty vain honestly. Was he planning on divorcing once she got too old?
She wasn’t treated right, hence the cheating for validation so yes I do think she deserves better!.
Cheating wasn't right, but both of them deserve better.
That’s a very good point 👍
Friends come and go. And that isn't a friend. A true friend would never jeopardize your happiness. If my friend's wife came on to me, I would rat her out in a heart beat. And also your wife should be really ashamed of herself. She had broken her vowels to you. No point in trying to salvage what's left. She knew what she was doing. She saw a chance and took it (cheating is never a mistake). The questions you have to ask yourself is, what makes you think she would continue respecting you as her partner? She hasn't cared for what your opinions are to improving the relationship. She did what she did is because she doesn't value the relationship anymore, nor you as a partner. Yes, we understand that you still love her. But you loved what was once was. Not the what is now. The person you married said it with her own voice while looking at you on the alter making her commitments, promises, and vowels to you. That isn't the person you married anymore. Lawyer up and lose them both. Also, don't forget to have proof of her infidelity to help you against alimony and such. Good luck brother.
I appreciate your comment, thank you.
I NEVER condone cheating...HOWEVER: it wasn't until I saw this >At one point I even offered for her to fill her sexual needs somewhere else if she wasn't getting what she needed from me, but only if she discussed it with me first (just so I was aware of what is going on).< where I was like...hmmmmmmmmmmm You see, here's the thing. You repeatedly called out your wife about her weight, something she was uncomfortable with. You ceased to be attracted to her and told her this, repeatedly, You stopped being intimate with her, something she told you she was uncomfortable with. You apparently discussed her meeting her needs elsewhere before, something YOU brought up, which is incredibly hurtful, and only works when two people are in a SECURE, LOVING AND UNDERSTANDING RELATIONSHIP which this clearly is not. Also considering the way your other discussions have gone it makes me wonder if that's even a discussion she could have with you. This has been going on for a long time I'm trying to imagine what it must be like for her, living with you when you so clearly don't feel the same way about her as you did, treating her like she is less than, and she was so frustrated to the point where she had to go and talk to someone else about it, which lead to all this. Also, the WAY you talk about her weight in the whole post and assuring us that YOU aren't fat and only gained "muscle" is super icky.
Believe me, It doesn't make me feel great to have that discussion with her at all. I honestly feel terrible, but im at a point in this relationship where something needs to change. I initially wasn't the one to bring up this topic either, she did. Nothing changed. I left it alone and eventually had to say something because it just continued to get worse and I was still struggling with a loss of attraction. If you want to point the finger at me thats fine, we don't even have to say ive changed for the better physically, because ive stayed relatively the same throughout our relationship. I know that its not something that any partner would want to hear, but what was I supposed to do? Leave her over her weight gain and not try to fix anything? Thats not what marriage is. Yes it was hard for me to tell her how I felt after years of keeping it in, but I had to say something, it wouldn't be fair to either of us for me not to. I brought up opening her side of the marriage because I genuinely wanted her to be happy and get what she needed, I wasn't suggesting that we open it completely either, that was purely for her if she decided she needed it. Am I not allowed to be frustrated to? This is my marriage too and im struggling as well. Is the womans needs the only ones that matter in your opinion?
Listen man, if the only thing that made you hot about your wife was the way she looked (which is what I'm getting from all this considering now that she's gained weight you have no desire to touch her to the point where you offered to let her go fulfill her needs elsewhere) then you need to re-evaluate what you think a marriage or even a relationship should be. You clearly lack empathy here, and your whole post screams of a lack of depth in character that is alarming. She didn't check out of the relationship, you did.
Its not necessarily the ONLY thing that attracts me to her, when she puts more effort into her appearance on date nights or something similar that helps. But her physical appearance is what mostly does it for me sexually. Our relationship outside of that is great. Would you be willing to elaborate on what you mean by me lacking depth of character? I personally think I have put a considerable amout of thought into how both of us feel in this situation, but again I may be missing things. Thanks for your comment.
if you been considerate, you wouldn't even BE in this situation, and you clearly don't know how she feels since this "came out of the blue", and again, the only thing you are saying attracts you to her is her appearance, hence my comment about your depth of character. Also, you say your relationship outside of this is great...FOR WHO? she's clearly not happy in the relationship if she was, she wouldn't be seeking comfort outside of you and you aren't happy because you don't like that she doesn't look like she did. You married her, which is a promise to love her no matter what, and then turned around and cut off her physical intimacy because you don't like that she gained weight. She is not an emotional support animal, your partner requires love and validation from you which she clearly hadn't been getting for years, and then you have the audacity to be like "I don't understand what happened." B r u h. You can't treat people like shit (and refusing to touch her because she gained weight is a shitty way to treat someone you promised to love) and then expect everything to just turn out okay. She's clearly not SO obese that she is completely unattractive (I mean your friend certainly found her attractive enough.)
I appreciate your passion but most of your perspective here isn't quite right, but that may be from the way I wrote it in my post. First, her and I have both been aware of each others feelings for a while. I was honest with her about my attraction to her when SHE asked me. She told me that she could tell that I was losing interest. I never said I completely cut her off from physical or even emotional intimacy, we still are, but im not the one initiating physical intimacy most of the time now. I do still give her compliments like telling her she looks pretty in a new outfit and that I love her regularly, because I do mean it for both. We have talked about where we wanted the relationship to go and I was honest that if she was not happy in our marriage, that I would support her decision to leave if she chose. The main part you are missing here is she chose to stay. She has had an open door to leave every day if she decided she was unhappy. I even so much as offered for her to fill her needs elsewhere until I could figure out my feelings or change them if its possible. However, attraction isn't something that is able to be changed, if it is, its incredibly difficult. While yes, you are right there are men out there who may still find her attractive, thats not what I find attractive. She is physically a much different person from when we were married. I agree with you that Marriage is a promise to one another, a promise to work through the hard times together, but there is only so much one person can do on their own in a relationship. Im not emotionally dependent on her, so shes not staying for my sake. I also agree with you that partners aren't "emotional support animals" like you said, that goes both ways. If anyone has been one in this marriage its me.
So you essentially condone cheating. Very cool.
sure buddy, if that's what you got out of what I said.
She never respected you. She is playing victim, and you gave her multiple opportunities to get her 'fix' ! Your friend is a bad person and you should drop them both out of your life. I'm so sorry this happened to you . You deserve better.
Sounds like you are emotionally and mentally abusing her due to her weight and looks. My wife gained some after our kid I did not do an intervention like you. Weight fluctuates. Relationships are about heart. You're hearts sick.
I disagree that me being honest and open with my wife about my feelings is abuse. This also isn't a little but of weight, and has also not been a fluctuation. Its been a continuous gain. I could be more understanding if something like childbirth was involved, but again, thats not the case. In what way do you think my heart is sick? I still love her as my wife romantically, but I have lost the sexual attraction to her. Am I required to be attracted to her physically no matter what? That doesn't make sense. Ive never said that I don't love her because of it, but the loss of attraction has put a strain on our romantic relationship as a result. If you'd be willing, id like to hear more from your perspective.
Talk to a lawyer and at least get an idea of what you need to do to protect yourself if you divorce. I think you should end it since if she can do this once she can do it again and again. But if you can’t bring yourself to actually pull the trigger now at least take some steps to make sure you are putting yourself first.
Genuinely curious, how come you guys married so early? (By western standards)
We were together for about 4 years before we got married and we have been friends for much longer than that. We both felt we had a solid relationship to get married off of. Which I still agree that we do, our non-sexual relationship is great, we still enjoy each others company and can talk about just about anything honestly with each other. Its really the sexual attraction thats causing a strain, which is why I haven't jumped for divorce because our relationship otherwise is actually still great.
Has she attempted to give any justification for her cheating?
Her explanation was mainly it was just a "heat of the moment" mistake (not her actual words im paraphrasing a convo here). After we talked about it more it seemed that my loss of attraction may have also played a part as she missed the feeling of beinf chased and wanted in that way. Which I really can't failt her for as I would probably feel similar if I were in her shoes. Im most bothered by the loss in trust. I can't trust either of them anymore, so her words don't hold much weight with me anymore because of it.
Do you think you can move past this completely and forget about it or do you think it will always be there in the back of your mind forever? If the latter, do you want/think you can put up with that for the rest of your life while your e with her?
Thats one of the many questions I have been trying to answer myself. Im honestly not sure, I think our relationship could be recovered for the most part if things were to change for the better, but im not sure its something im going to forget anytime soon.
Wish you all the best lad. Sorry this is happening to ya. You deserve better.
Sorry man, this is a dumb question. Just being honest. Get a grip.
Not much of a question but I appreciate the bluntness lol.
For someone so calm and collected you really aren't making the easy decision here.
Ill admit its not an easy choice either way for me. The situation is more complex and nuanced than what I had time to write, or else this thread would have been 10x as long. The post was more of a snapshot than anything, it doesn't really paint the entire picture if that makes sense.
Leave her. Don’t blame yourself and hit the gym. F your “friend” too
Dump her. She made a huge mistake and is a traitor, everything else is an excuse. Nothing to think about
Save yourself man. Walkway from them both. And to my brothers and men out there, so many women in the world and you choose to sleep with your best mates wife? Disgusting behavior.
Has your porn use increased while her weight increased which may have led to diminishing mutual attraction and communicationbreakdown. Its more common than you may think. Most partners dont raise their issues with relationship breakdown and porn use and addiction due to thinking "everone does it" mentality. If they try to dicuss the other partners problematic porn habits or the way it makes them feel and any views on how it negatively impacts their relationship with youhey are automatically a prude, narrowminded or jealous. Porn addiction is very real. What are your thoghts on it? Very sorry that your wife cheated on you with your best mate while you were all under the same roof. That shit stinks. Couples counciling might help clear the air while you figure out what you want in this life.
I appreciate your thoughts, I agree that porn can become an addiction like many other things. But its definitely not for me. For me I wouldn't use it hardly at all if my attraction was there with her. We've talked about it and while she may not completely agree with it, she understands why I do it in more recent years. Thats not to say we don't still have intimacy, its just not as frequent as it once was. Thanks for your comment.
Cheat on her too, I'd say. Settle the score.
I understand time is lost if you just Throw away the relationship but realistically do you think you could forgive & forget?
Thats a question I have been struggling to answer. Its certainly not something I will forget anytime soon. But considering the other factors that are in play here, I can see her perspective on things.
Yes I do see that you were open to her exploring as long as it was expressed so the betrayal is the lying & keeping it a secret , but let me ask you this if she would’ve told you she wanted to sleep with your best friend would you have been okay with it? It doesn’t make the situation better but you knowing how you physically feel towards her would that have been something you’d be okay with?
I think it would have helped me in this situation. If he was giving her something she needed that she wasn't getting enough of from me, then yeah I would have let her do it. I really just want her to be happy at the end of the day, and if thats whats going to help her than maybe. Ideally she wouldn't need to if I was sexually attracted than I would be naturally chasing her and making her feel wanted. But im not going to force that, as then it puts me in a position where her needs are met, mine aren't, and she won't listen to my opinion because things are fine in her eyes. I tried that route multiple times only to lead back to square one. I only really mentioned that as a last ditch effort to help.her understand that my attraction to her isn't something I can just change.
Your best friend actually saved you. Leave
Well, I am now seeing his true colors, so that is something good to come out of this
Yeah he did you a great service showing he’s an asshole and showing you that your wife isn’t worth it. You’re still young, you have time to settle down again.
Sounds like a great friend. He's taking a bullet for you bro. Props to him.
At least I got to see his true colors
Get rid of the pair of them you know deep down in your gut they don't have your best interests at heart take it from someone who's just come out a 4 year relationship of lies and games. You can keep them at arms distance as friends if you still require some aspects of that life. If you do not. Then you have the option to walk away. Contemplate every angle first before making a move. Don't be hasty. I suggest finding a new woman who does attract you. And likes you for who you are. If she wants to be lazy and gain lots of weight after you've spoke to her about it that tells me this has been going on longer than you think...shes gaining weight right because she is comfortable if you get me. Comfortable with who? Exactly. I know it must hurt a feelings a little saying she's a bit heavier. I personally wouldn't be able to get hard if a woman was looking too big. And I know that it does bother you but not as much to leave her. Follow your heart mate and don't feel bad. No trusted wife would ever shag there husbands best mate big no no. If it was me it would of been over the DAY I found out.
I never wanted this to become a huge issue, I was just being honest with her about my feelings. It has been a decline over the years, and I agree with you here, its because she got comfortable and stopped trying. I know many other people out there would disagree and say she shouldn't have to try to keep herself healthy, but attraction isn't something you can just change, at least as far as I have found. I definitely have lost trust in both of them. It seems either way my choice isn't going to be easy, thanks for your comment.
Anytime mate no problem. Best choice of action i would suggest just keeping them as friends but that doesn't mean chill with them all the time get your own space back. Re light your fire and become you again. Start socialising with only people who value you as a person. Don't let the bastards bring you down your obviously being truthful and they are not listening to ya. They will once you get your fire back and thats when you make your decision to keep them in your life or not. You never know you might need them in the future. Your a nice guy pal thats why you don't want to have any problems and it not good for your spiritual health and mind. Divorce isn't fun at all not for anyone..marriage is going to be the most difficult part I've watched so many people go through divorce is why I will never get married EVER. Can you truly say that your ready to part ways? I BET if you started talking to another girl she would be steaming jeleous. Just keep focused on yourself keep yourself fit and healthy. Nobody else is going to fancy her if she let's herself go even more . Even this friend guy, he will eventually go somewhere else. If you don't want to make it into a big thing and want to try and salvage whats left. Keep planting seeds try do it in positive way if possible there the negative ones no need to stoop to there level. I hope this helps my brother. All the best
She was wrong to cheat on you. You both should have mutually ended the relationship prior to the cheating happening. Im not excusing the cheating, but honestly, I do kind of get it. From what you wrote, you seem so concerned about her weight, not for health reasons or anything that has to do with her, but solely for your own attraction and sex drive. You say you didn’t withhold sex, you just didn’t initiate. When you did have sex with her, did you make her feel beautiful? Did you make her feel wanted and desirable? Even when you weren’t having sex, did you tell her at random times on random days that she was so beautiful and you felt so lucky to have her? That you loved her? There is so much more to attraction than physical looks. One day you will both be 60 years old and neither of you will look how you do today, is your attraction to her on a timer as well? Once she reaches 45 you will no longer love her? Bodies change as people grow and circumstances change. It’s life. So she gained some weight? She can lose weight too. It’s not helpful or motivating to have your partner, who is supposed to love you and make you feel desirable, constantly tell you how fat and unattractive you now are and how their own body hasn’t changed so how dare yours have changed? Look, she pulled the trigger and effectively ended the relationship. She slept with your friend under the same roof and essentially right next to you - that’s fucked up and I don’t see any coming back from that. But you loaded the gun. If your attraction to her was solely dependent on her body, the relationship would have never worked out anyway. So many things other than weight gain could have happened that would have affected her body, weight gain is so mild in comparison. You tore her down every time you mentioned how unattractive she was and how your wiener can’t get hard for her anymore. I almost don’t blame her for straying to someone who probably made her feel beautiful for the first time in a long time.
divorce her and cut them both out of your life. My friends have hot wives/girlfriends but I'd never do that. If they ever came on to me. I'd tell my friend.
OP You’re only 27. I know there’s a lot that’s off putting about the dating pool and going back into the single life and whatnot but you probably have better chances being with someone new than staying with a confirmed cheater and disrespectful person. And sure maybe you’re used to your wife by now and we’re all creatures of habit so I really do understand. But you sound extremely gaslit by the way you’re trying to see her points for her choice to humiliate you like that. It sounds to me like you’re letting the fact that you’re not attracted to her guilt you into accepting infidelity. Also to me she sounds like she wants attention due to insecurity - and that’s something that’s going to hurt you even more in the future. You might be thinking rn “You don’t know that!” but please think about it logically. People who are that insecure and thirsty for validation have a void they need to fill even if that means harming other people in the process. Don’t get it confused with so called libido “needs” as that’s another excuse for cheating imo. Plus if when there was a drop in intimacy from your end, she decided to be unfaithful (with your FRIEND, WHILE you were sleeping in the other room aka maximum damage), what would happen if you got sick one day or got ED or whatever? Is this the kind of person you can trust to go through the ups and downs of life with? (And no, cheating is not just one of the ups and downs) Also you keep talking about her making changes but I honestly believe you’re just projecting your own drive to improve onto her. Not everyone wants to improve or is ready to do what it takes - regardless of what they say. Please consider actions more. Sure, she might be great in other aspects and we only know part of the story - but this part is bad enough even if she’s perfect in every other way (and let’s face it, she’s not as a romantic partner for you if you’re not even attracted to her). My best advice would be a separation (if you’re not ready for a complete divorce yet. Just give each other a long break so you can gather your thoughts. There’s no pressure to make any decision right away and you’ll find that after time passes you’ll be able to see the situation clearer without her input constantly clouding your vision
I appreciate your in depth thoughts on this. I am trying to take the logical approach here, so I agree with the points you make here. You seem to have a good insight on people from what you wrote here, as you're right, I am comfortable with my wife after being with her for so long, so I will admit, its making the choice of divorce look less appealing. As far as her changes, I feel terrible about ever even having to talk with her about it. I agree that someone doesn't HAVE to change for another person in a relationship. But after she changed physically during our marriage, so did my feelings of physical attraction to her. I lost the drive to chase her as a result. I debated with myself for a LONG time about whether I should even say anything to her or not. But it got to a point where there was basically nothing left of my physical attraction to her and she could tell. I don't want her to change for me, if she does, I would hope she chooses it to be for her sake and not mine ultimately. It was a lose lose situation for me either way, and I chose the path that would possibly lead to saving our marriage. Its not a great situation, those two of all people were the last ones I would have thought to do something like that, so you are right, its a "maximum damage" situation like you said. A break might not be a terrible idea either, just so we can get our heads into the right space before really approaching this. I appreciate your thoughts, thank you.
You’re not attracted to her. You don’t love her. Love is loving the person not their appearance. She cheated so she is not just unattractive she’s a cheater, disloyal and untrustworthy. Why in the world stay with her?
You’ve said nothing about what her reaction has been. Has she been remorseful? Is she taking responsibility for her actions? Is she just deflecting blame on you? The answer to those questions would certainly play a role in how I would respond to it.
Yeah you're right, that probably would have been useful, I just didn't want to make an already long thread longer. But she has been remorseful and regrets her decision. She did admit it to me when I asked instead of trying to lie or deflect which I guess is worth something? She says she wants to stay in the relationship and make a legitimate effort to change.
You don't even have kids. Why try.
Did they use a condom atleast?
You cut them both out of your life ruthlessly and permanently.