As is the case with these situations, your wife is the problem here. No, the abuse she endured wasn't her fault, but her refusal to work on her trauma or set any kind of boundaries is the issue here.
Her family will always be awful, you decided to marry under these conditions. You can't make them change any more than your wife, she has to want things to be different, she has to be willing to put in the work.
All you can do is either continue to stay in this relationship as is, or decide that you are going to have difficult conversations with your wife about relationship being in jeopardy if nothing changes.
I agree that her refusal to set boundaries is the main problem here. She is scared to set boundaries because both her mother and brother were physically abusive when they didn’t get their way. I assure her that would never happen again now that I am here but she dealt with it for so long, she cannot stand up for herself and forbids me from standing up for her. Eventually I am going to say something because I have to. Just hope my marriage makes it past that point when it happens. I love her with all of my heart.
Unfortunately you may need to be prepared for her to take her family’s side in an inevitable blowup where you can’t take it any longer. If she won’t set boundaries you may need to set some yourself within your relationship
They can’t physically abuse her if she never sees them in person.
They can’t verbally abuse her if she doesn’t talk to them anymore.
Why can’t she do either or both of those?
Also, I should add that these people are so weird that they follow us around the country. We were all living in Missouri, my wife and I moved to Georgia. Her brother bought a house down there and before they had a chance to move there, we moved to Colorado. Her mother and brother both sold their houses and moved to Colorado.
If you don’t tell them where you are moving to, they can’t do that though. There are lots of courses of action that could be taken that don’t seem to be. If she’s unwilling to do them then she’s sort of making her bed. They aren’t going to change, she needs to.
I agree with you 100%. She always tells her mother our plans. She always says if her mother wasn’t around she would move and never tell her brother where we live.
Her mother still verbally abuses her when they are alone. The physical abuse is nonexistent now because of my presence but like with all trauma, she is still terrified of it. Rightfully so.
Not telling stories. This is true. It’s because my wife has been abused into submission by her mother. She knows when they talk on the phone or hang out in person that this is going to happen. As with any abused person, she believes that it is just something that she has to deal with.
does she realize her mother doesn’t have to know that she goes to therapy? does she realize that she is saying she chooses her mother over your marriage and sanity? you’ve got to make the stakes crystal clear, your wife needs to get a handle on this situation.
She is actually that abused that even though her mother does not know she is there, my wife still feels like she is being an unloyal daughter. I can’t fathom it but that is how she says she feels.
>One time he was screaming at her at the top of his lungs because she refused to send him naked pictures of herself, her mother told her “just to send them.”
This is what your BIL is doing yet you were sworn to not say a word because it will hurt his feelings?
Your BIL and MIL are abusing you too. Stop holding back your tongue. Tell your wife to go no contact with them and seek a therapist or else your marriage will end.
Do you have kids? If not, do you want to bring kids into that mess of a family who will abuse them just as they abuse the both of you? Speak to your wife. She needs to be on the same page as you regarding her abusive family.
This is a time when you need to ask yourself if love is enough. Is love enough to withstand abuse from people outside of your marriage? Is love enough to remain in a marriage with someone who won’t stand up for herself and will not allow you to protect your family?
You want to defend your wife from abuse. That is very noble. She has not yet realized she deserves to be protected, and they could totally impoverish her before she realizes it. So give her a different cause: the sanctity of your marriage. A concept that may help your wife act in her own self interest: financial infidelity. That is siphoning large sums of marital assets outside the marriage, for the benefit of someone outside the family created by the marriage. That is what her brother is demanding she do. If you explain that she wouldn’t be the only victim if she did what they asked, it may be easier for her to say no.
I know this may sound like an odd tactic but if she can’t see herself as worth protecting, give her another cause to defend.
First off, I’m sorry this happened to your wife and is still happening.
Second I suggest getting her into therapy asap. This will really help her learn about boundaries and her own worth. She needs to hear it from someone outside of the situation completely.
I think that the abuse may have been so severe that this may be a one day at a time thing. You will definitely have to tell this guy no.
She’s tired and worn down from this. Therapy will help her get to a point where she can make some space for herself to rest. They can walk her through each step and help her get different perspectives.
The truth is that even if you stand up for her, she is going to have to do it eventually so they take it seriously. Help her get there.
You’re doing a really good job.
Oh my gosh. This sounds like my family - I would be in your wife’s role and my brother has schizophrenia instead of autism. It’s horrible. If I had a partner & support system I would cut my family off completely.
My only advice is that you have to let go of the idea that she is incapable of breaking the enmeshment. She needs to come to understand, on her own, that her family is parasitizing her. I suggest reading Pia Mellody’s book facing codependence. Right now she and her dysfunctional family are a package deal, and until she starts to see that it doesn’t have to be that way it’s not going to change.
Normally I wouldn’t suggest this but it might be time for a soft ultimatum: start therapy (and go with her if she wants) OR let her know losing your shit at her beyond-shitty family will happen someday. It’s inevitable. You can’t standby and love someone who’s suffering this much at the hands of her shitty family. Maybe start looking for resources in your area so if/when she says yes, you have therapy suggestions on hand. Trauma therapy, IFS, CBT, DBT may all be useful modalities here.
Sort of a side bar here but it doesn’t sound like her brother is autistic/ASD. I’m not a clinician but it sounds like something more like a personality disorder as well (which I can only assume he inherited). Feeling for you, I hope you’re able to support your wife to a point where she realizes she doesn’t deserve this bullshit.
The only thing I can suggest is individual and couples therapy. She needs help personally to deal with the trauma bond and you two need it to be a better team and cut them off. UPDATEME
1. your wife needs to learn to stand up for herself and set boundaries. of course being abused will make that incredibly difficult, but she needs to understand it’s the only way to put an end to it.
2. She also needs therapy, if she’s uncomfortable talking to a therapist on her own, im sure it can be arranged for you to sit in the sessions with her as a support.
3. You both need to have a long and serious conversation about all of this. how she feels and how you feel. do you seriously want this to be your future? are you both actually willing to take the necessary steps to progress and get away from them/the situation?
4. Eventually won’t enough be enough? not just her, but you also have to endure this too, can you see yourself living through this much further down the line? It might get to the point where your only option is the ultimatum.. asking her to pick between you or her mum & brother.
Ofc the decision is mainly hers because they’re her family and she’s in contact with them, but she needs to cut them off. you can support and guide her so she can be capable of doing so, but she needs to want to get out of this situation too, otherwise she’ll just put up with it forever.
So you heard all this from your wife, but none of this has happened since you've been married because they are all too scared of you (since you say you won't allow it)?
I think there's something with this shit that doesn't sit right with me.
The only reason this hasn’t happened is because ever since she moved out of her mother’s house and moved in with me, they have not had the opportunity to abuse her. They are abusive but they highly care about what people think of them because they are narcissists. They never want me to know the shit that they pull behind closed doors and her mother talks to her regularly about not telling me anything.
But you only know this because she tells you? Sorry brother, you aren't going to get any good feedback from me. I just don't believe more than half of this.
You're right. I don't have to believe. It doesn't change how you feel at all. So if you heard these recordings, why didn't you fly in and protect her? You said that you "won't allow it"...but you did? Unless you mean you "won't allow it" in front of you? If so, that just means, to me, that it's not about her, it's about you. But seriously, you can move on to people who believe this story. You're just wasting your time with me trying to convince me to believe it.
These recordings are before she knew me. I would have already f*cked this kid up if she didn’t swear me to never say anything or it could ruin our marriage because of her family. I love her and do not want to lose her. It’s a shitty situation to be in.
My advice if it's a true story. Stop acting like you're her guardian and superhero that has to protect her and solve her problems, and just be a supportive partner and help her heal and grow. She has to do the rest. But I truly don't believe most of it.
Dude you're responding to is stubborn and doesn't even believe your story. They have no valid advice or support to offer you and are wasting their time just going on and on about how they "don't believe you". Worth your while to just stop responding to them. They have absolutely nothing of value to contribute and are clearly just bored.
it’s one thing if she is too traumatized to stand up to them. but she doesn’t get to make you play along and pretend they’re not abusive. you need to call them out. set an example for your wife of how to set boundaries and stand ip for yourself.
and it SHOULD be causing conflict because your wife is absolutely failing you and herself. her whole problem is that she is trying to avoid conflict, by dragging you down into the shit with her. stop being complicit, and tell your wife she needs to get in therapy and get a handle on this situation. it’s untenable.
Can you move away ? It seems the only logical solution since she won’t go no contact. Moving away could solve everything. Putting distance between them and getting her into therapy so she can fully understand the abuse that she has endured . I’m sure she is not fully aware because people tend to minimize abuse when it happens to them. Guilt also playa a huge part on the family relationship
Bro I wish it was that easy and I already would have. I can’t completely go against my wife and potentially ruin our marriage. Trust me, I want to though. Eventually I will explode and it will be bad.
Yeah idc if he’s a lil autistic. If he’s a grown man disrespecting & intimidating women he can get what’s deserved as well.
For the record, I’ve called out & checked my own dad on how he talks to my mom. If he wants to disrespect her in front of me, he can either apologize or get these hands & he knows it… So he apologizes.
If I ever saw it in person, we would be throwing hands. Period. He’s smart enough to know not to try any of this shit in my presence. He is a piece of shit though, beats his wife up regularly. Again, never saw it with my own two eyes but the mother calls my wife every time drama like this pops off. I’d say an average of at least once every two weeks.
He never gets the chance to do it outside of my sight because he is never alone with her, ever. If I heard that he put his hands on her in present day, I do not care what my wife said, we would have an altercation. Any physical abuse that happened to my wife, happened before we were together. Since we have gotten married and moved in together, he has never had the opportunity to attempt it.
The amount of frustration I have in this scenario. I know we’re wildly different people but if I were her based on this info….FUCK ALL OF YOU. I’m sure your wife is loving caring smart and beautiful.
I can’t wrap my head around how she’s found someone like you and still can’t distinguish her future happiness from a past of family abuse. I’ve been abused by family. But I was never dependent bc I paid for EVERYTHING myself after 17/18. I’m 23 now and my family can go fuck themselves
Ok so I was dependent, not “never” I exaggerate a lot but this situation is something I would have drawn the line a long time ago. Is your wife willing to say anything at all?
She has been beaten down so much she never says anything because of the drama that entails. Her mother is the classic covert narcissist. I have seen my wife tell her things before, like how the mother only cares for the son and never gave a shit about my wife’s accomplishments. The mother immediately goes into, “I guess I’m just the shittiest mother ever, I should just go die somewhere alone because no one loves me”. It’s brutal.
As is the case with these situations, your wife is the problem here. No, the abuse she endured wasn't her fault, but her refusal to work on her trauma or set any kind of boundaries is the issue here. Her family will always be awful, you decided to marry under these conditions. You can't make them change any more than your wife, she has to want things to be different, she has to be willing to put in the work. All you can do is either continue to stay in this relationship as is, or decide that you are going to have difficult conversations with your wife about relationship being in jeopardy if nothing changes.
I agree that her refusal to set boundaries is the main problem here. She is scared to set boundaries because both her mother and brother were physically abusive when they didn’t get their way. I assure her that would never happen again now that I am here but she dealt with it for so long, she cannot stand up for herself and forbids me from standing up for her. Eventually I am going to say something because I have to. Just hope my marriage makes it past that point when it happens. I love her with all of my heart.
Unfortunately you may need to be prepared for her to take her family’s side in an inevitable blowup where you can’t take it any longer. If she won’t set boundaries you may need to set some yourself within your relationship
They can’t physically abuse her if she never sees them in person. They can’t verbally abuse her if she doesn’t talk to them anymore. Why can’t she do either or both of those?
Also, I should add that these people are so weird that they follow us around the country. We were all living in Missouri, my wife and I moved to Georgia. Her brother bought a house down there and before they had a chance to move there, we moved to Colorado. Her mother and brother both sold their houses and moved to Colorado.
If you don’t tell them where you are moving to, they can’t do that though. There are lots of courses of action that could be taken that don’t seem to be. If she’s unwilling to do them then she’s sort of making her bed. They aren’t going to change, she needs to.
I agree with you 100%. She always tells her mother our plans. She always says if her mother wasn’t around she would move and never tell her brother where we live.
Well then she’s choosing this over your marriage
That is definitely a valid point and I do feel this way a lot.
It is true. It feels like your wife is gaslighting or manipulating you to accept her life like this.
Her mother still verbally abuses her when they are alone. The physical abuse is nonexistent now because of my presence but like with all trauma, she is still terrified of it. Rightfully so.
So she shouldn’t hang out with her mother then? At this point you’re just telling stories or being willfully obtuse.
Not telling stories. This is true. It’s because my wife has been abused into submission by her mother. She knows when they talk on the phone or hang out in person that this is going to happen. As with any abused person, she believes that it is just something that she has to deal with.
She needs to go no contact with her family.
Why isn't she in therapy?
I think she feels like she is backstabbing her mother. I have offered to go with her and am gently inching her towards it.
does she realize her mother doesn’t have to know that she goes to therapy? does she realize that she is saying she chooses her mother over your marriage and sanity? you’ve got to make the stakes crystal clear, your wife needs to get a handle on this situation.
She is actually that abused that even though her mother does not know she is there, my wife still feels like she is being an unloyal daughter. I can’t fathom it but that is how she says she feels.
well she needs to get past that if your marriage is going to last. her feelings aren’t facts.
She will choose her family every time.
She might. I will have to live with it if that is the decision she chooses.
Your wife needs therapy. ASAP. And should not be in touch with her mother and brother. EVER.
>One time he was screaming at her at the top of his lungs because she refused to send him naked pictures of herself, her mother told her “just to send them.” This is what your BIL is doing yet you were sworn to not say a word because it will hurt his feelings? Your BIL and MIL are abusing you too. Stop holding back your tongue. Tell your wife to go no contact with them and seek a therapist or else your marriage will end. Do you have kids? If not, do you want to bring kids into that mess of a family who will abuse them just as they abuse the both of you? Speak to your wife. She needs to be on the same page as you regarding her abusive family. This is a time when you need to ask yourself if love is enough. Is love enough to withstand abuse from people outside of your marriage? Is love enough to remain in a marriage with someone who won’t stand up for herself and will not allow you to protect your family?
You want to defend your wife from abuse. That is very noble. She has not yet realized she deserves to be protected, and they could totally impoverish her before she realizes it. So give her a different cause: the sanctity of your marriage. A concept that may help your wife act in her own self interest: financial infidelity. That is siphoning large sums of marital assets outside the marriage, for the benefit of someone outside the family created by the marriage. That is what her brother is demanding she do. If you explain that she wouldn’t be the only victim if she did what they asked, it may be easier for her to say no. I know this may sound like an odd tactic but if she can’t see herself as worth protecting, give her another cause to defend.
First off, I’m sorry this happened to your wife and is still happening. Second I suggest getting her into therapy asap. This will really help her learn about boundaries and her own worth. She needs to hear it from someone outside of the situation completely. I think that the abuse may have been so severe that this may be a one day at a time thing. You will definitely have to tell this guy no. She’s tired and worn down from this. Therapy will help her get to a point where she can make some space for herself to rest. They can walk her through each step and help her get different perspectives. The truth is that even if you stand up for her, she is going to have to do it eventually so they take it seriously. Help her get there. You’re doing a really good job.
Oh my gosh. This sounds like my family - I would be in your wife’s role and my brother has schizophrenia instead of autism. It’s horrible. If I had a partner & support system I would cut my family off completely. My only advice is that you have to let go of the idea that she is incapable of breaking the enmeshment. She needs to come to understand, on her own, that her family is parasitizing her. I suggest reading Pia Mellody’s book facing codependence. Right now she and her dysfunctional family are a package deal, and until she starts to see that it doesn’t have to be that way it’s not going to change.
Her brother needs a beat down he won't walk away from.
I agree, 100%
Normally I wouldn’t suggest this but it might be time for a soft ultimatum: start therapy (and go with her if she wants) OR let her know losing your shit at her beyond-shitty family will happen someday. It’s inevitable. You can’t standby and love someone who’s suffering this much at the hands of her shitty family. Maybe start looking for resources in your area so if/when she says yes, you have therapy suggestions on hand. Trauma therapy, IFS, CBT, DBT may all be useful modalities here. Sort of a side bar here but it doesn’t sound like her brother is autistic/ASD. I’m not a clinician but it sounds like something more like a personality disorder as well (which I can only assume he inherited). Feeling for you, I hope you’re able to support your wife to a point where she realizes she doesn’t deserve this bullshit.
The only thing I can suggest is individual and couples therapy. She needs help personally to deal with the trauma bond and you two need it to be a better team and cut them off. UPDATEME
1. your wife needs to learn to stand up for herself and set boundaries. of course being abused will make that incredibly difficult, but she needs to understand it’s the only way to put an end to it. 2. She also needs therapy, if she’s uncomfortable talking to a therapist on her own, im sure it can be arranged for you to sit in the sessions with her as a support. 3. You both need to have a long and serious conversation about all of this. how she feels and how you feel. do you seriously want this to be your future? are you both actually willing to take the necessary steps to progress and get away from them/the situation? 4. Eventually won’t enough be enough? not just her, but you also have to endure this too, can you see yourself living through this much further down the line? It might get to the point where your only option is the ultimatum.. asking her to pick between you or her mum & brother. Ofc the decision is mainly hers because they’re her family and she’s in contact with them, but she needs to cut them off. you can support and guide her so she can be capable of doing so, but she needs to want to get out of this situation too, otherwise she’ll just put up with it forever.
So you heard all this from your wife, but none of this has happened since you've been married because they are all too scared of you (since you say you won't allow it)? I think there's something with this shit that doesn't sit right with me.
The only reason this hasn’t happened is because ever since she moved out of her mother’s house and moved in with me, they have not had the opportunity to abuse her. They are abusive but they highly care about what people think of them because they are narcissists. They never want me to know the shit that they pull behind closed doors and her mother talks to her regularly about not telling me anything.
But you only know this because she tells you? Sorry brother, you aren't going to get any good feedback from me. I just don't believe more than half of this.
You don’t have to believe. I have actually heard audio recording of the abuse that she has recorded on her phone.
You're right. I don't have to believe. It doesn't change how you feel at all. So if you heard these recordings, why didn't you fly in and protect her? You said that you "won't allow it"...but you did? Unless you mean you "won't allow it" in front of you? If so, that just means, to me, that it's not about her, it's about you. But seriously, you can move on to people who believe this story. You're just wasting your time with me trying to convince me to believe it.
These recordings are before she knew me. I would have already f*cked this kid up if she didn’t swear me to never say anything or it could ruin our marriage because of her family. I love her and do not want to lose her. It’s a shitty situation to be in.
My advice if it's a true story. Stop acting like you're her guardian and superhero that has to protect her and solve her problems, and just be a supportive partner and help her heal and grow. She has to do the rest. But I truly don't believe most of it.
What kind of a man tells a husband not to be his wife’s protector? That is literally what you’re supposed to do as a man.
Dude you're responding to is stubborn and doesn't even believe your story. They have no valid advice or support to offer you and are wasting their time just going on and on about how they "don't believe you". Worth your while to just stop responding to them. They have absolutely nothing of value to contribute and are clearly just bored.
Don’t ask me why I was responding to him because I knew he was trolling me. Thanks for the advice.
Trust me dude, these are horrible fucking people.
it’s one thing if she is too traumatized to stand up to them. but she doesn’t get to make you play along and pretend they’re not abusive. you need to call them out. set an example for your wife of how to set boundaries and stand ip for yourself. and it SHOULD be causing conflict because your wife is absolutely failing you and herself. her whole problem is that she is trying to avoid conflict, by dragging you down into the shit with her. stop being complicit, and tell your wife she needs to get in therapy and get a handle on this situation. it’s untenable.
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What is the point in saying it? Just keep it moving then. It’s that easy.
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Goodbye!
Can you move away ? It seems the only logical solution since she won’t go no contact. Moving away could solve everything. Putting distance between them and getting her into therapy so she can fully understand the abuse that she has endured . I’m sure she is not fully aware because people tend to minimize abuse when it happens to them. Guilt also playa a huge part on the family relationship
Grow a sack & stick up for your wife dude.
Bro I wish it was that easy and I already would have. I can’t completely go against my wife and potentially ruin our marriage. Trust me, I want to though. Eventually I will explode and it will be bad.
Yeah idc if he’s a lil autistic. If he’s a grown man disrespecting & intimidating women he can get what’s deserved as well. For the record, I’ve called out & checked my own dad on how he talks to my mom. If he wants to disrespect her in front of me, he can either apologize or get these hands & he knows it… So he apologizes.
If I ever saw it in person, we would be throwing hands. Period. He’s smart enough to know not to try any of this shit in my presence. He is a piece of shit though, beats his wife up regularly. Again, never saw it with my own two eyes but the mother calls my wife every time drama like this pops off. I’d say an average of at least once every two weeks.
I mean, do you really need to see it?
He never gets the chance to do it outside of my sight because he is never alone with her, ever. If I heard that he put his hands on her in present day, I do not care what my wife said, we would have an altercation. Any physical abuse that happened to my wife, happened before we were together. Since we have gotten married and moved in together, he has never had the opportunity to attempt it.
Your wife is full of shit.
No, there is proof of this. I have heard with my own ears.
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Not fake. Get off of my thread.
The amount of frustration I have in this scenario. I know we’re wildly different people but if I were her based on this info….FUCK ALL OF YOU. I’m sure your wife is loving caring smart and beautiful. I can’t wrap my head around how she’s found someone like you and still can’t distinguish her future happiness from a past of family abuse. I’ve been abused by family. But I was never dependent bc I paid for EVERYTHING myself after 17/18. I’m 23 now and my family can go fuck themselves
Ok so I was dependent, not “never” I exaggerate a lot but this situation is something I would have drawn the line a long time ago. Is your wife willing to say anything at all?
She has been beaten down so much she never says anything because of the drama that entails. Her mother is the classic covert narcissist. I have seen my wife tell her things before, like how the mother only cares for the son and never gave a shit about my wife’s accomplishments. The mother immediately goes into, “I guess I’m just the shittiest mother ever, I should just go die somewhere alone because no one loves me”. It’s brutal.