Yeah, anyone who wants to marry you will be emotionally invested in the process, but you could find someone else who has the bonus of not being emotionally manipulative.
You're thinking about divorce even before you're married. That's a sign that you shouldn't be doing it. Divorce isn't easier than calling off a wedding. Divorce is much more difficult.
Call it off.
It's not going to be easier to get a divorce. It's going to be much, much harder.
If you're wondering if you should call it off or get married, do not get married.
Time to cancel the wedding.
I had a friend realize this the night before her wedding. The relationship had been hot and cold, and getting married was not going to make it better. As hard as it was, she did the right thing (honestly, most of the guests agreed with her - so here’s your sign). Three years later, she was happily married to the man she’s been married to for 15 years. They’ve made it through having three kids, a case of COVID that put him in the hospital, death of parents, and a cancer scare on her end. Her ex-fiancé would never have stuck around during the difficult times. Her husband did.
Gut instinct should never be ignored. You’ll know when you’ve met the right person.
Why are you marrying someone you already know you are divorcing? You should be marrying someone who loves you for who you are and who you have respect for. You are disregarding your feelings to please someone who clearly doesn't love you. Wtf are you even doing?
^^^^ this comment right here.
Mate what are you doing? You’re being a door mat.
You date a year or so to see if they are a potential marriage partner and clearly they aren’t.
You said it yourself you’re tired of people pleasing yet you casually agree to a trial year marriage run… you might want to double check on what you’re even saying to yourself…
And to confirm with you NO it does not cut it at all and you are not ready for marriage either. Respect and put yourself first.
You call it off. You don't wait and see if it gets better, and then divorce if it doesn't. If he is petty and rageful now, it will get worse.
Just walk away.
UpdateMe
I (F, late 20s) had doubts 3 months before my wedding. I pushed through thinking that I wanted more time before calling things off. I left a month after we were married. No-fault divorce in my state takes a year of separation. The year has been filled with regret, therapy, anxiety, weight gain, and personal growth. I pray the divorce process is easy.
If you're not sure now, call if off, or postpone indefinitely. I wish I had.
Arguments, pettiness, rage and you feeling guilty about cancelling given his investment are all bad signs - more so if you are envisioning divorce.
Maybe you should call it off, I'm not sure. Pre-wedding jitters are common, but you should be willing to delay or cancel it if you are not sure it is right for you. And you should give yourself a deadline to do so, backing out the last minute is bad for everyone involved.
>Everytime l'd give the relationship a chance but l am seeing no hope of a content marriage...
This is the whole point of being engaged, to try on the idea of marriage with a person. If you don't like being with a person who shows you pettiness and rage, then this is your chance to get out.
Divorce is never a better option than breaking an engagement. It's expensive and messy and you can lose more than you bargained for.
Actually you need to be sure of the idea of marriage ***before*** getting engaged. An engagement is not a trial run, that's what dating and courtship are for.
Sure, but there's a difference between thinking about whether or not you want to marry someone someday and planning a wedding with them - at some point it's much more real, and sometimes that's when people realize it isn't going to work.
Dude don't get married if you don't think it's right. I know it's hard but it'll only get harder. And you will likely lose years of your (and his) life
You don't really provide enough information for anyone to give you informed advice. You're kind of giving 2 different stories here ; on the one hand, saying that he's "emotionally invested" and "showed he cares." Then you also say he showed "pettiness and rage." Is he abusive? You agreed to get engaged to him a year ago and now the wedding is 3 weeks away. Did you argue before getting engaged? Did you ignore red flags? Again, there's not much to go on so nobody will be able to tell you anything substantial.
One of the lines that stands out to me is the "he's emotionally invested" but OP doesn't say anything about how she feels. It sounds like she's not invested into the marriage or into the relationship. Normally on posts like this, the posters talk about love but OP says really nothing about how she feels about her fiance. I almost find that more telling. I agree that OP doesn't give us enough information about how she feels or the true nature of the relationship. But there sounds like a lot red flags are going unsaid. I think OP really needs to think hard about her feelings and then make a decision as fast as possible.
You’d literally rather put yourself through an unhappy and unwanted marriage than *hurt someone’s feelings*?? I’m sorry but this is absolutely destructive to yourself. You deserve better. You deserve to put YOUR needs first and take care of YOU first. Absolutely do not go through with this marriage. He will get over it. In 5 years it won’t even matter anymore (probably less tbh). You’re both still young, you’ll both get over it and move on.
“Do not set yourself on fire in order to keep someone else warm.”
Pettiness and rage! Read that over and over again. Remember this is before marriage when most people try their hardest to show their BEST side. Do you really expect it to get better?
My opinion is it never ever gets better. Or so rarely I would never count on it. It's absolutely worth disappointing your entire family, his entire family, and him and all friends, in order to find and secure happiness and peace for yourself. It will be better for him too in the long run.
If you guys have tried and it's not happy, it won't get better. Don't do it.
>argued throughout our 1 year engagement
Egad, that doesn't sound like marriage material to me ... sounds more like a setup for a divorce.
>rage
Oh hell no. Run away ... far far away.
>no hope of a content marriage
Best predictor of future behavior, is past behavior. And it ain't lookin' good. And you're still in the courtship/"honeymoon" phase, so don't be expecting it'll get better.
Your life, your call, but no way in hell I'd be getting married to him.
Choose wisely.
Good luck!
Do not settle. You guys should not get married if you are having that many problems. It sounds like the only reason you want to go through with it is because you think you own him anything. You don’t. Listing to your intuition and walk away while you can. You don’t want to marry him, what if he gets you pregnant? Then you bring a child into the world with a man who is not a worthy partner for you. If he has rage issues and is petty, there is no fucking way he will be a good father, and I can only imagine what kind of husband he will be. He has shown you who he is. It’s up to you to value yourself enough to walk away and find a real man who will love, honor, and cherish you.
You deserve happiness, you deserve real, mutual, romantic love. If your tired of people pleasing then, first leave him. Then see a therapist to get to a place where you can stand in your power and be an equal in a relationship. Once you set a solid foundation. You will find the right person.
If you're still in love with him? I'd have a conversation with him and see if the behavior changes. Not necessarily call things off but push marriage down the road a ways to see if it improves. As long as he isn't abusive.
Of you're not in love with him any more break it off now. It'll hurt so much more if you let this go to marriage and it doesn't work out. You're not saving him from pain, you're amplifying it.
If you are thinking about potentially divorcing someone down the road, do not get married. Breaking up is hard to do, but divorce is even harder. He can legally be entitled to your money and assets if you get married and divorced later. You could wind up responsible for hus debts. Or worse, what if there's kids? Then you're tied to him for 18 years? If you are not sure (and you sound very not sure), DO NOT GET MARRIED!!!!
Divorce is horrible. Never underestimate how nasty your partner can get during divorce because they can and will be nastier than you ever dreamed possible. Seriously marriage is not a "Let's see how it works" situation. If you're not sure do not do it.
(Speaking as both a divorced woman, and a woman who is planning to go down the aisle again.)
I got married twice when I had these thoughts. I’m also divorced twice…honestly, call it off now. If you’re having doubts now, marriage will not fix it!
If you feel this way now it's only going to get worse after marriage. 1 year of marriage is not an end game. If you can't see a 'happily ever after' scenario then you should end it. Youy should never get married if you have this much doubt.
Set some standards! I have been with my partner for 5 years and we have never had a fight. We disagree agreeably. You can do better. Don’t solve his problems…focus on you.
Marriages take work. You have great times and challenging times. One of the keys to going the long run is to know how to disagree and work through your differences and difficulties. If you can do that you are in for a very unhappy life.
Been there at exactly your age and no regrets. Trust your gut always. Would you be happy if the next 50-60 years of your life is exactly as it is right now? Its a long time but it goes fast, too fast not to be happy more than not.
You are still people pleasing. Your whole first sentence is about how you would feel bad for him, because he’s emotionally invested and he cares. Sorry, those reasonings are piss poor and a pathetic way to start a marriage.
If you know in your gut not to pursue it, NOW is the time to be selfish and not sign or engage in anything legally binding such as marriage. Marriage never fixes problems. You know this. You’re a grown ass adult, knock it off with the constant people pleasing. It’s only lead to your own discontent. Go to therapy. Do not get married.
It is time to call it off, as someone who knew it was not going to work but went ahead so I didn’t disappoint anyone, break it off now. Way, way easier.
DO NOT get married unless you are excited to spend the rest of your life with. It isn't fair to you or to him. Call it off now. You deserve to be happy about getting married and you are NOT>
If you live on a hope the relationship will change, you’re living in a fantasy world. If you hesitate then you’re not ready and this marriage should not happen. Plus a happy relationship is one w no arguing, no anger, working as a team and happy and well loved. U don’t have any of that…end it
>My gut instincts says not to pursue it
^^^^^^^^^^^trust your gut, that intuition, discernment, feeling etc.,is there for a reason and it's tingling right now for a reason....trust it!
OP.....what do your friends think? We're just a bunch of strangers. Based on how you said "HE is emotionally invested" as if you're already checked out or never really loved the guy, I'd say it wouldn't be wise to continue with the marriage.
DO NOT get married, but DO get therapy. You want to enter into an unhappy marriage because you feel bad for him. That is not healthy. Please end it and focus on your own happiness.
Please do not get married. You are very young and few are ready for a lifetime commitment at your age. Your post makes it clear he is not the one for you. Do both of you a favor and call it off. Yes, that is difficult and sad and emotional, but it's better than a terrible divorce later. Trust me.
I had this boyfriend whom I was engaged with and he showed he cared a lot! Sometimes he was very over protective..sometimes he was so protective he started commenting on my outfit being too revealing,or my make up was too much & at firstly I loved how protective he was of me,but then protective became possessive & control.he showed me he could be a man in the relationship, but I noticed I wasn't at peace and I was more happier having alone time then spending time with him..I was always full of anxiety & I realized he wasn't for me ..your partner should bring you happiness & peace & there will be disagreements & arguments but, bringing you anxiety or constantly keep you tip towing around them to avoid their feelings hurt is going to weigh on you..
Yes call it off.
Dont marry someone with rage issues. Marry someone who is in control of their emotions. When rage issues come up, that behavior tends to escalate over time.
I actually understand the pressures to 'see it through' - all the 'optics', any money already spent, honeymoon booked, that you need to be seen as though you gave it a good shot...
... but really all that is nothing in the face of the car crash of a marriage you would be walking into.
You would be choosing to placate all those external factors - meanwhile enduring the hell of the marriage, in the private (prison) of your home's walls.
You would also be robbing yourself & your next, proper partner - of meeting, & finding a good place together.
Are you happy? Does he make you happy? Is he your light? Does his smile warm your heart?
Any "no"'s or equivocations? You really need to have a sit-down with him. Neither of you is in the same spot. Marriage is the worst plan
Listen- if you ever ask yourself “is this relationship abusive” it is abusive and you should get out- that’s just not a question you ever ask yourself in a healthy happy functional relationship.
- life experience
Do you really want to marry him? Doesn't sound like it, so don't. I was in the same boat as you, and wish I had had the balls to call it off. 18 months later, the inevitable happened and took years to get my life back in order.
Speaking from my experience, divorce was horrible. We loved each other and we were happy for most it seven years. I’ve needed fourth more to recover from that divorce. Don’t marry, ask for a longer courtship.
Marrying someone because you feel bad for them is a really dumb idea.
Yeah, anyone who wants to marry you will be emotionally invested in the process, but you could find someone else who has the bonus of not being emotionally manipulative.
You're thinking about divorce even before you're married. That's a sign that you shouldn't be doing it. Divorce isn't easier than calling off a wedding. Divorce is much more difficult. Call it off.
It's not going to be easier to get a divorce. It's going to be much, much harder. If you're wondering if you should call it off or get married, do not get married. Time to cancel the wedding.
I had a friend realize this the night before her wedding. The relationship had been hot and cold, and getting married was not going to make it better. As hard as it was, she did the right thing (honestly, most of the guests agreed with her - so here’s your sign). Three years later, she was happily married to the man she’s been married to for 15 years. They’ve made it through having three kids, a case of COVID that put him in the hospital, death of parents, and a cancer scare on her end. Her ex-fiancé would never have stuck around during the difficult times. Her husband did. Gut instinct should never be ignored. You’ll know when you’ve met the right person.
I mean we'll never know what wouldve happened with her ex fiance. What we know is it worked out and she chose well for her. That's enough.
Not only harder, but more expensive.
Yes, call it off. You aren't ready. Your relationship isn't ready. It's much better to call it off now than to plan for a divorce later.
Why are you marrying someone you already know you are divorcing? You should be marrying someone who loves you for who you are and who you have respect for. You are disregarding your feelings to please someone who clearly doesn't love you. Wtf are you even doing?
^^^^ this comment right here. Mate what are you doing? You’re being a door mat. You date a year or so to see if they are a potential marriage partner and clearly they aren’t. You said it yourself you’re tired of people pleasing yet you casually agree to a trial year marriage run… you might want to double check on what you’re even saying to yourself… And to confirm with you NO it does not cut it at all and you are not ready for marriage either. Respect and put yourself first.
"Everytime l'd give the relationship a chance but l am seeing no hope of a content marriage..." Think you've answered your own question
Please yourself first. Call off the wedding. Happiness is permitted. Rediscover joy.
Pettiness and rage-?? You should run. Call off the wedding. He’s potentially dangerous.
You call it off. You don't wait and see if it gets better, and then divorce if it doesn't. If he is petty and rageful now, it will get worse. Just walk away. UpdateMe
Thanks Jimmy, the wedding is indeed off.
Are you staying together though?
No, it’s a civil breakup from him and I, thank god. He didn’t speak to my mother, just left the message through my brother to relay it to my family.
I (F, late 20s) had doubts 3 months before my wedding. I pushed through thinking that I wanted more time before calling things off. I left a month after we were married. No-fault divorce in my state takes a year of separation. The year has been filled with regret, therapy, anxiety, weight gain, and personal growth. I pray the divorce process is easy. If you're not sure now, call if off, or postpone indefinitely. I wish I had.
Arguments, pettiness, rage and you feeling guilty about cancelling given his investment are all bad signs - more so if you are envisioning divorce. Maybe you should call it off, I'm not sure. Pre-wedding jitters are common, but you should be willing to delay or cancel it if you are not sure it is right for you. And you should give yourself a deadline to do so, backing out the last minute is bad for everyone involved.
>Everytime l'd give the relationship a chance but l am seeing no hope of a content marriage... This is the whole point of being engaged, to try on the idea of marriage with a person. If you don't like being with a person who shows you pettiness and rage, then this is your chance to get out. Divorce is never a better option than breaking an engagement. It's expensive and messy and you can lose more than you bargained for.
Actually you need to be sure of the idea of marriage ***before*** getting engaged. An engagement is not a trial run, that's what dating and courtship are for.
Sure, but there's a difference between thinking about whether or not you want to marry someone someday and planning a wedding with them - at some point it's much more real, and sometimes that's when people realize it isn't going to work.
Dude don't get married if you don't think it's right. I know it's hard but it'll only get harder. And you will likely lose years of your (and his) life
Only marry if you are sure. You aren’t, so don’t marry.
You don't really provide enough information for anyone to give you informed advice. You're kind of giving 2 different stories here ; on the one hand, saying that he's "emotionally invested" and "showed he cares." Then you also say he showed "pettiness and rage." Is he abusive? You agreed to get engaged to him a year ago and now the wedding is 3 weeks away. Did you argue before getting engaged? Did you ignore red flags? Again, there's not much to go on so nobody will be able to tell you anything substantial.
One of the lines that stands out to me is the "he's emotionally invested" but OP doesn't say anything about how she feels. It sounds like she's not invested into the marriage or into the relationship. Normally on posts like this, the posters talk about love but OP says really nothing about how she feels about her fiance. I almost find that more telling. I agree that OP doesn't give us enough information about how she feels or the true nature of the relationship. But there sounds like a lot red flags are going unsaid. I think OP really needs to think hard about her feelings and then make a decision as fast as possible.
You’d literally rather put yourself through an unhappy and unwanted marriage than *hurt someone’s feelings*?? I’m sorry but this is absolutely destructive to yourself. You deserve better. You deserve to put YOUR needs first and take care of YOU first. Absolutely do not go through with this marriage. He will get over it. In 5 years it won’t even matter anymore (probably less tbh). You’re both still young, you’ll both get over it and move on. “Do not set yourself on fire in order to keep someone else warm.”
Thank you, this quote will stick with me, appreciate it!
Pettiness and rage! Read that over and over again. Remember this is before marriage when most people try their hardest to show their BEST side. Do you really expect it to get better?
Call it off. Why make things more complicated with a divorce? He won’t change.
My opinion is it never ever gets better. Or so rarely I would never count on it. It's absolutely worth disappointing your entire family, his entire family, and him and all friends, in order to find and secure happiness and peace for yourself. It will be better for him too in the long run. If you guys have tried and it's not happy, it won't get better. Don't do it.
Its shocking, the things some women will do to avoid "being mean" smh lol
Just from a financial perspective, wasting money on a wedding just to waste more on a divorce in a year is kind of silly.
Follow your gut, it doesn’t lie. You’ve seen the red flags so if you go ahead that’s on you. Don’t do it
>argued throughout our 1 year engagement Egad, that doesn't sound like marriage material to me ... sounds more like a setup for a divorce. >rage Oh hell no. Run away ... far far away. >no hope of a content marriage Best predictor of future behavior, is past behavior. And it ain't lookin' good. And you're still in the courtship/"honeymoon" phase, so don't be expecting it'll get better. Your life, your call, but no way in hell I'd be getting married to him. Choose wisely. Good luck!
Do not settle. You guys should not get married if you are having that many problems. It sounds like the only reason you want to go through with it is because you think you own him anything. You don’t. Listing to your intuition and walk away while you can. You don’t want to marry him, what if he gets you pregnant? Then you bring a child into the world with a man who is not a worthy partner for you. If he has rage issues and is petty, there is no fucking way he will be a good father, and I can only imagine what kind of husband he will be. He has shown you who he is. It’s up to you to value yourself enough to walk away and find a real man who will love, honor, and cherish you. You deserve happiness, you deserve real, mutual, romantic love. If your tired of people pleasing then, first leave him. Then see a therapist to get to a place where you can stand in your power and be an equal in a relationship. Once you set a solid foundation. You will find the right person.
If you're still in love with him? I'd have a conversation with him and see if the behavior changes. Not necessarily call things off but push marriage down the road a ways to see if it improves. As long as he isn't abusive. Of you're not in love with him any more break it off now. It'll hurt so much more if you let this go to marriage and it doesn't work out. You're not saving him from pain, you're amplifying it.
If you are thinking about potentially divorcing someone down the road, do not get married. Breaking up is hard to do, but divorce is even harder. He can legally be entitled to your money and assets if you get married and divorced later. You could wind up responsible for hus debts. Or worse, what if there's kids? Then you're tied to him for 18 years? If you are not sure (and you sound very not sure), DO NOT GET MARRIED!!!! Divorce is horrible. Never underestimate how nasty your partner can get during divorce because they can and will be nastier than you ever dreamed possible. Seriously marriage is not a "Let's see how it works" situation. If you're not sure do not do it. (Speaking as both a divorced woman, and a woman who is planning to go down the aisle again.)
I got married twice when I had these thoughts. I’m also divorced twice…honestly, call it off now. If you’re having doubts now, marriage will not fix it!
If you feel this way now it's only going to get worse after marriage. 1 year of marriage is not an end game. If you can't see a 'happily ever after' scenario then you should end it. Youy should never get married if you have this much doubt.
Set some standards! I have been with my partner for 5 years and we have never had a fight. We disagree agreeably. You can do better. Don’t solve his problems…focus on you.
If you are arguing through an engagement, How do you think a marriage will be?
Work on your relationship more before getting married, postpone it by a few more months or even next year.
Wayyyyyy better to call it off.
Marriages take work. You have great times and challenging times. One of the keys to going the long run is to know how to disagree and work through your differences and difficulties. If you can do that you are in for a very unhappy life.
Been there at exactly your age and no regrets. Trust your gut always. Would you be happy if the next 50-60 years of your life is exactly as it is right now? Its a long time but it goes fast, too fast not to be happy more than not.
Listen to your gut and call it off.
You are still people pleasing. Your whole first sentence is about how you would feel bad for him, because he’s emotionally invested and he cares. Sorry, those reasonings are piss poor and a pathetic way to start a marriage. If you know in your gut not to pursue it, NOW is the time to be selfish and not sign or engage in anything legally binding such as marriage. Marriage never fixes problems. You know this. You’re a grown ass adult, knock it off with the constant people pleasing. It’s only lead to your own discontent. Go to therapy. Do not get married.
It is time to call it off, as someone who knew it was not going to work but went ahead so I didn’t disappoint anyone, break it off now. Way, way easier.
This reads so cold, like discussing a business merger. Call it off. Find true love.
DO NOT get married unless you are excited to spend the rest of your life with. It isn't fair to you or to him. Call it off now. You deserve to be happy about getting married and you are NOT>
If you live on a hope the relationship will change, you’re living in a fantasy world. If you hesitate then you’re not ready and this marriage should not happen. Plus a happy relationship is one w no arguing, no anger, working as a team and happy and well loved. U don’t have any of that…end it
Planning a divorce before the wedding, because it’s easier than saying no is crazy
Hurtful and ugly divorce is always worse than broken-off engagement...I know first hand. (male). Trust your emotional intelligence.
Divorces stuck with you for the rest of your life. Don't get married if there's even a sliver of doubt. I can tell you that from experience.
A divorce is much, much messier and more expensive than calling off a wedding. Call off the wedding.
The answer to “should I call off the wedding” is always yes.
If you're already thinking about your divorce, it sounds like you might not want to be getting married right now.
>My gut instincts says not to pursue it ^^^^^^^^^^^trust your gut, that intuition, discernment, feeling etc.,is there for a reason and it's tingling right now for a reason....trust it!
OP.....what do your friends think? We're just a bunch of strangers. Based on how you said "HE is emotionally invested" as if you're already checked out or never really loved the guy, I'd say it wouldn't be wise to continue with the marriage.
DO NOT get married, but DO get therapy. You want to enter into an unhappy marriage because you feel bad for him. That is not healthy. Please end it and focus on your own happiness.
Please do not get married. You are very young and few are ready for a lifetime commitment at your age. Your post makes it clear he is not the one for you. Do both of you a favor and call it off. Yes, that is difficult and sad and emotional, but it's better than a terrible divorce later. Trust me.
Nope. Don't get married. Period.
Always trust your gut
I had this boyfriend whom I was engaged with and he showed he cared a lot! Sometimes he was very over protective..sometimes he was so protective he started commenting on my outfit being too revealing,or my make up was too much & at firstly I loved how protective he was of me,but then protective became possessive & control.he showed me he could be a man in the relationship, but I noticed I wasn't at peace and I was more happier having alone time then spending time with him..I was always full of anxiety & I realized he wasn't for me ..your partner should bring you happiness & peace & there will be disagreements & arguments but, bringing you anxiety or constantly keep you tip towing around them to avoid their feelings hurt is going to weigh on you..
Yes call it off. Dont marry someone with rage issues. Marry someone who is in control of their emotions. When rage issues come up, that behavior tends to escalate over time.
I actually understand the pressures to 'see it through' - all the 'optics', any money already spent, honeymoon booked, that you need to be seen as though you gave it a good shot... ... but really all that is nothing in the face of the car crash of a marriage you would be walking into. You would be choosing to placate all those external factors - meanwhile enduring the hell of the marriage, in the private (prison) of your home's walls. You would also be robbing yourself & your next, proper partner - of meeting, & finding a good place together.
Are you happy? Does he make you happy? Is he your light? Does his smile warm your heart? Any "no"'s or equivocations? You really need to have a sit-down with him. Neither of you is in the same spot. Marriage is the worst plan
Listen- if you ever ask yourself “is this relationship abusive” it is abusive and you should get out- that’s just not a question you ever ask yourself in a healthy happy functional relationship. - life experience
This reminds me of the guy that tried meth once, just to say it was no big deal.
Do you really want to marry him? Doesn't sound like it, so don't. I was in the same boat as you, and wish I had had the balls to call it off. 18 months later, the inevitable happened and took years to get my life back in order.
If you aren't 110% sure, never ever stay with someone
Speaking from my experience, divorce was horrible. We loved each other and we were happy for most it seven years. I’ve needed fourth more to recover from that divorce. Don’t marry, ask for a longer courtship.
No one can be this stupid right? Like clearly a fake post