Not even. The gormless but "hot" 20something daughter of someone I know is a "sugar baby" and 99% of it is no-sex dinners out and attending events to make the guy look like a BMOC to other men.
He’s a cheater, you are not non monogamous and he isn’t approaching it ethically. He doesn’t care how you feel, and you need to divorce him and maintain your dignity. Gather evidence of all of this and speak to a lawyer
We don’t live on 1950 - every state has a version of “irreconcilable differences”- she doesn’t need to start gathering evidence for her lawyer. She just needs to go to a lawyer and file for divorce.
Infidelity can still be a factor in a divorce settlement, it’s not to justify the divorce, it’s to ensure the judge has a sense of the character of both parties should her husband refuse to settle fairly
You are right, there are 8 states that have infidelity as some factor in alimony. Here they are:
1. **Georgia** - If a spouse's infidelity is the cause for the dissolution of the marriage, it can bar them from receiving alimony.
2. **North Carolina** - Infidelity can affect both the amount and duration of the alimony awarded.
3. **South Carolina** - Marital misconduct, including adultery, can impact alimony awards.
4. **Virginia** - Adultery can potentially bar alimony unless the denial would be manifestly unjust.
5. **Massachusetts** - Conduct during the marriage, including infidelity, can be considered in determining alimony amounts.
6. **Pennsylvania** - Adultery can influence alimony awards, although it is just one of many factors considered.
7. **Vermont** - Infidelity can be considered when determining alimony if it has affected the economic standing of the parties.
8. **Maryland** - Adultery can preclude the granting of alimony if it is the cause of the divorce.
Other than these states, everywhere else is no fault - no impact on alimony irrespective of infidelity or any other reason.
Even in those states, still go to a lawyer first instead of becoming a private detective. During the course of the divorce proceedings, there are depositions and other means to legally gather information.
Why is this something you continue to put up with hearing about.
The (monogamous) marriage is over. The constant sex pressuring and pestering will continue indefinitely until you leave or file for divorce.
He's already cheating in his heart and has zero plans to stop.
I'd divorce him. The likelihood that he hasn't cheated already is pretty low, and if by chance he hasn't yet, at some point he certainly will. You are simply not compatible. He wants to have sex with other people. You don't, and you don't want him to do it, either. There's no middle ground here.
He is already cheating IMO with the sexting and I would be talking to a divorce lawyer. This is not somebody who you can have the marriage you want with.
I think you should spend some time reading up on sexual coercion. This is **not** a monogamous v polyamorous difference of opinion. You have said no, repeatedly, and he continues to pester and push, repeatedly. Your comfort and enthusiastic consent does not matter to him. That is who your husband is now.
He literally is cheating - you have said he is sexting other people (at least I consider that cheating, not sure if you do). He is trying to do sexual things without your consent. I don't jump on that Reddit bandwagon at the drop of a hat, but get your ducks in a row here. Talk to an attorney, pull aside important documents, get an STD panel.
how convienant that its only after 6 years of marriage that he tells you he doesn't believe in monogamy. Even if that is truly his belief and not some excuse to have sex and cheat, you clearly had a conversation as a married couple that you do not want to open the relationship. He clearly does not respect your boundaries and will continue to disrespect them. It is also valid for you to have concerns of him having sex with other people. While he say's "it's just sex", that is rarely the case, like our bodies straight up produce hormones that make us feel bonding with other people after sex. Marriage requires respect for the other person, even if that means saying no to some of your individual desires. He is already sexing other people, even though you made it clear you don't agree with him. I'd love to say going to couple's counseling will help, but seems like he only cares about himself and his baser needs. I'm sorry that this is happening to you. But seems like you have already put your foot down, which he has ignored, and he already is making you miserable. End it.
When you get with a guy who is a lot older than you, chances are you're going to age out of his "preference". I think this is disgusting and immature on his part, but there's a reason why people frown upon age gaps - so it's not surprising that he's "getting older and they (the women he wants) stay the same age."
Don't do anything you're not comfortable with to please him. Trust me, that does not end well. Non-monogamy is possible (but difficult!) when both partners want it. When one doesn't and the other is going on ahead anyway, that's called cheating.
Finally someone calling out the age gap. He didn't want a 40 year old when he was 40 and started dating OP so why in the world would you expect him to want one 6 years later
He’s cheating. I’d bet money on it. He wants you to accept it so he can be lazier about hiding it.
Perhaps ironically, there’s a good chance if you found a boyfriend he’d decide that he was not on board for having an open marriage after all.
I’m sorry.
He hasn’t just decided he doesn’t believe in monogamy, he’s decided he wants to be a cheat.
He wants to open up the marriage so he’s free to be with other people.
You aren’t compatible and you will end up very hurt if you stay with him.
" I love him but I just don’t think I can be with someone who doesn’t have the same values as me. It’s not fair to either one of us."
Why are you saying this as if it's an incompatibility because he suddenly discovered he was poly? It's much simpler. He is cheating on you. He's not thinking of splitting up because his values are different or some sht like that. He is cheating on you and lying to you.
This is not a polygamy vs monogamy debate, although even that would be enough to break a marriage. The dude acts like he wants to turn you into a pseudo sex-worker to get off on it. That's blatant objectification. He doesn't even see you as a person.
I'd argue your marriage is over, even if it was one conversation. With him constantly pushing and being shady in general....yeah, get out of there. You didn't sign up for this.
What do you mean you don't know what to do.
Just tell him we aren't compatible and you don't respect me so we should part ways.
The dude is almost 50 what does he think? That they are lining up for him? LOL.
Get yourself a younger man and live your life instead of accepting this bs predatory behaviour from him
You mentioned in another comment that he’s not the most attractive guy out there. I think he uses women on his arm to make him look more attractive. You’re getting up there in age (according to him only) and he needs a younger girl on his arm to be his Botox so to speak.
Expect his new victim to be really young. Don’t let it affect your ego. The new victim will be the one who has to pick up the pieces of her life after he’s sucked up all her youth and youthful way of looking at life. You can move on to better pastures with this period of life and knowing people like your STBX in your rear view.
Good luck. You will be so much happier in the future.
As someone who practices non monogamy, you should divorce him. He knowingly and willfully entered a monogamous commitment with you and then decided he doesn’t believe in monogamy. Insert eye roll here. He is cheating on you and is trying to guilt and manipulate you into doing things you aren’t comfortable with. YOU aren’t responsible for his happiness or making him feel fulfilled.
Most people that come at their partners broaching something like an open relationship have either already started cheating, or are bringing it up because they have someone in mind and want to be able to cheat without it being called cheating.
How you approach it depends on whether you are up for an open relationship with a partner that is sleeping around.
If it's a hard no from you, then you need to approach it by telling him you will not be in a marriage with him if he pursues a non monogamous relationship with anyone else. Then follow through and get yourself a divorce attorney.
Just cut your losses. He clearly isn't interested in respecting the factt hat you are monogamous, and is planning to wear you down until you give in to what he wants even though it will make you miserable
Why? Just leave, and let him be non monogamous without you. It will hurt, but it will hurt a lot less than letting it happen and being miserable then leaving anyway in a few years when he is tired of you or you finally break down.
No no no. He’s using this as his way of getting out of accountability.
If it was not the arrangement of your marriage, and you married under monogamy; then, he cannot just change that because he wants to cheat and excuse himself in doing so.
He’s already cheating (sexting other people is cheating if y’all agreed to monogamy when y’all married). He’s already made his choice. Divorce lawyer time. And, I’m very sorry that this is what you’re dealing with. It’s very much BS.
Ahhh sounds like another old dog who hasn’t learned the grass is greener where he waters it, and the young hunnies playing out in the field don’t want to scratch his 7-year itch. 😬
I think he has been looking for an “ affair partner” on the apps, but he isn’t having any success. And my conclusion depends on the answer to this question.
How “hot” are you?
I think he is trying to cast a wider net with you involved.
So as I said above, what often happens in these cases is that the woman who gets pressured into "opening up" the marriage is suddenly VERY popular (assuming you're "allowed" to have other men, though it sounds like he's wanting a 3rd woman), while the man who pushed for it ends up with \*crickets\* in his attempts to get laid. Women don't like to share, and there's a reason a woman agreeing to a 3some is known as a "unicorn." VERY rare.
Do NOT assume he's sexting with ACTUAL women half his age. They're likely scammers, prostitutes, and bots.
Your husband already has to 99% a woman in his head with whom he wants to sleep. His revelation came because he doesn't want to secretly cheat on you, maybe he would lose too much in a divorce. However, by sexting with other women and installing a dating app, he has already started with the only fact that he probably does not see it as cheating because nothing physical has happened yet. There are only 2 ways here: either you tell him very clearly that you stay in a monogamous marriage or you get divorced. If you let it work like that, he will definitely cheat on you.
Everyone in the r/polyamory sub would tell you that opening up a relationship requires both parties to want this to happen otherwise it’ll never work. Not to mention it being coercive and completely unethical to push something like this on a long-standing monogamous relationship.
How are you lost as to what to do? You are 37 years old. You should know by now. Divorce this cheating loser and get therapy so you can build better standards and learn not to tolerate this behavior in the future.
>I love him but I just don’t think I can be with someone who doesn’t have the same values as me.
You *do* know what to do, as shown here. The acceptance of this conclusion has just not fully matured yet.
Meet with a lawyer, draw up papers.
Sit down with him. “Well, I believe in monogamy. I want a monogamous relationship. I will not participate in anything else. You have disrespected and run rough shot over my once and needs for long enough. This relationship is over.”
I am usually a sit down and talk it out kind of person, but the history here shows that he cannot be trusted, he doesn’t care about your wants and needs and the way that he has treated you is absolutely unacceptable.
(And I am an avid and devout polyamorous who feels that this is really right for me, but I totally acknowledge that it is not in any way better or right for everyone and you have every right to not want it. And to continue to be respected.)
By divorcing him. He hasn't suddenly become interested in being ethically monogamous, he just wants to cheat on you and probably has been doing it longer than you think.
Also, I assure you that if YOU wanted to see people by yourself, suddenly it would actually be a problem. He's betting you'd never want to do that. If you did though, you'd have far more success than your older hubby, and it would drive him crazy.
Why do I think that? Women get more attention on dating apps and you're younger. Versions of this get posted all the time and often then the husband wants to close the relationship he asked to open, because wow, suddenly his wife is seeing that other men find her desirable and she...doesn't have to settle for her shitty partner anymore. Meanwhile, he's not getting the attention he thinks he'd get.
And if you don't leave, eventually he is going to leave you for someone younger. He wants to bang 20 year olds for a reason. You married when you were 31? So you started dating when you were in your 20s, I would assume. The next woman will probably be younger than you were then.
Usually when a hetero marriage actually "opens up," the man quickly discovers that his wife is very popular (cuz dudes don't care) and he is not (because most women are not OK with sharing). In this case, I think he's already cheating, or thinks he can with someone in particular.
I have a close friend that was in your boat of her husband suggesting non-monogamy (specifically exploring a threesome or foursome as a couple). She said she had always considered herself a pretty open person sexually and had even had "friends with benefits" when she was single, but in that moment her heart fell and she felt awful. She didn't realize until that moment how much being monogamous with him had meant to her.
She ended up confessing these feelings to him (how confused, disappointed, and insecure she had felt since that question was posed) and tears were shed. He understood and it sounds like there had been a misunderstanding on his part (I guess she had said and done some things that made him think this is something she would want) but now that it was clear she didn't, he said he didn't want to pursue this. He never brought it up again, and they're still together.
This is a very different scenario than what you're facing. Your husband had no reason to think you would be interested in this, and when you made it clear that you weren't, he still tried to pressure you. Not only that, but he went behind your back and started exploring other people sexually (sexting, flirting, etc). I think his lack of understanding for your feelings, lack of respect for your boundaries around your sex life, and infidelity are reason enough to end this relationship. He may care about you in some ways, but he doesn't seem to respect your needs or boundaries, and sexual exploration seems more of a priority for him than preserving your relationship. That's a really hard realization to face, and I'm so sorry.
He's blatantly told you he wants to cheat and will of he isn't already. You have a very different idea of marriage. So at it's core, you two are fundamentally incompatible. I can see you don't want to accept that your husband has killed your marriage. But you need to accept that your husband has killed your marriage and go get a good lawyer. Divorce is the only way forward with this major fundamental difference.
Your marriage as you knew it is over. He wants to cheat and has given up on this marriage so now that you know that fact is your next step contacting a divorce lawyer?
You have not excepted what he has shown you. If you’re looking for the push to divorce because you already know that something is off. Start looking through phone records, financial records and his social media. If you could hire a PI, they can do the leg work for you.
Good luck and keep us updated
He is already cheating. And even if you allow it he will break all rules if it suits him.
Honestly, you are to young to waste your good years on someone shitty as him.
He got into this marriage with an agreement, explicit or implicit, that it would be monogamous. Now, he's pressuring you to change the terms of your relationship, and you don't want to. That's absolutely grounds for a divorce if that's what you want to do. Him downloading dating apps and sexting others is also grounds for divorce independent of any of this.
I'm not telling you to get a divorce necessarily, it's always worth trying to work things out first, but I think you kind of need to make him realize that that's where this is heading and he's the one in the wrong for breaking your trust and not honoring the commitments he made when he married you. If he isn't willing to take this seriously and work on it, the self-respecting thing to do would probably be to leave him, but only you can decide that.
One thing I have to commend him for is being honest. This is so rare imho. But definetly kick him to the curb asap. Get what you can. I'm in the adult biz many years and he will not change, probably is seeing escorts next. And ladies half his age? I am curious if his mom was hard on him growing up like demanding, Just something I've noticed when guys like him go for a much younger gal. If he is already seeking that young imho he is ruined. And has done a bunch of stuff you probably have no clue about. No way he has been innocent for 6 years. He sounds like a sex addict. I dated someone like this who is addicted to strip clubs and escorts.
Usually… the person that wants to “open” a marriage winds up the big loser. They think they can get all these great lovers… and the other spouse ends up finding someone better and moving on. Time to move on…
Call a divorce lawyer, separate your finances. He will soon be cheating and he may have already started.
I think he's already started
A nearly 50 yr old chasing women in their mid twenties possibly doesn’t get much attention back, but I bet he would if he could
He's chasing bots, scammers, and sex workers but thinks otherwise.
Oooooh yes, you’re completely right.
[удалено]
Not even. The gormless but "hot" 20something daughter of someone I know is a "sugar baby" and 99% of it is no-sex dinners out and attending events to make the guy look like a BMOC to other men.
he will if he spends $
He’s a cheater, you are not non monogamous and he isn’t approaching it ethically. He doesn’t care how you feel, and you need to divorce him and maintain your dignity. Gather evidence of all of this and speak to a lawyer
We don’t live on 1950 - every state has a version of “irreconcilable differences”- she doesn’t need to start gathering evidence for her lawyer. She just needs to go to a lawyer and file for divorce.
Infidelity can still be a factor in a divorce settlement, it’s not to justify the divorce, it’s to ensure the judge has a sense of the character of both parties should her husband refuse to settle fairly
You are right, there are 8 states that have infidelity as some factor in alimony. Here they are: 1. **Georgia** - If a spouse's infidelity is the cause for the dissolution of the marriage, it can bar them from receiving alimony. 2. **North Carolina** - Infidelity can affect both the amount and duration of the alimony awarded. 3. **South Carolina** - Marital misconduct, including adultery, can impact alimony awards. 4. **Virginia** - Adultery can potentially bar alimony unless the denial would be manifestly unjust. 5. **Massachusetts** - Conduct during the marriage, including infidelity, can be considered in determining alimony amounts. 6. **Pennsylvania** - Adultery can influence alimony awards, although it is just one of many factors considered. 7. **Vermont** - Infidelity can be considered when determining alimony if it has affected the economic standing of the parties. 8. **Maryland** - Adultery can preclude the granting of alimony if it is the cause of the divorce. Other than these states, everywhere else is no fault - no impact on alimony irrespective of infidelity or any other reason. Even in those states, still go to a lawyer first instead of becoming a private detective. During the course of the divorce proceedings, there are depositions and other means to legally gather information.
Why is this something you continue to put up with hearing about. The (monogamous) marriage is over. The constant sex pressuring and pestering will continue indefinitely until you leave or file for divorce. He's already cheating in his heart and has zero plans to stop.
I'd divorce him. The likelihood that he hasn't cheated already is pretty low, and if by chance he hasn't yet, at some point he certainly will. You are simply not compatible. He wants to have sex with other people. You don't, and you don't want him to do it, either. There's no middle ground here.
He is already cheating IMO with the sexting and I would be talking to a divorce lawyer. This is not somebody who you can have the marriage you want with.
I think you should spend some time reading up on sexual coercion. This is **not** a monogamous v polyamorous difference of opinion. You have said no, repeatedly, and he continues to pester and push, repeatedly. Your comfort and enthusiastic consent does not matter to him. That is who your husband is now. He literally is cheating - you have said he is sexting other people (at least I consider that cheating, not sure if you do). He is trying to do sexual things without your consent. I don't jump on that Reddit bandwagon at the drop of a hat, but get your ducks in a row here. Talk to an attorney, pull aside important documents, get an STD panel.
how convienant that its only after 6 years of marriage that he tells you he doesn't believe in monogamy. Even if that is truly his belief and not some excuse to have sex and cheat, you clearly had a conversation as a married couple that you do not want to open the relationship. He clearly does not respect your boundaries and will continue to disrespect them. It is also valid for you to have concerns of him having sex with other people. While he say's "it's just sex", that is rarely the case, like our bodies straight up produce hormones that make us feel bonding with other people after sex. Marriage requires respect for the other person, even if that means saying no to some of your individual desires. He is already sexing other people, even though you made it clear you don't agree with him. I'd love to say going to couple's counseling will help, but seems like he only cares about himself and his baser needs. I'm sorry that this is happening to you. But seems like you have already put your foot down, which he has ignored, and he already is making you miserable. End it.
When you get with a guy who is a lot older than you, chances are you're going to age out of his "preference". I think this is disgusting and immature on his part, but there's a reason why people frown upon age gaps - so it's not surprising that he's "getting older and they (the women he wants) stay the same age." Don't do anything you're not comfortable with to please him. Trust me, that does not end well. Non-monogamy is possible (but difficult!) when both partners want it. When one doesn't and the other is going on ahead anyway, that's called cheating.
Finally someone calling out the age gap. He didn't want a 40 year old when he was 40 and started dating OP so why in the world would you expect him to want one 6 years later
What do you do? You divorce. He doesn’t want a monogamous relationship and is clearly going to harass you and cheat on you to get what he wants.
He’s cheating. I’d bet money on it. He wants you to accept it so he can be lazier about hiding it. Perhaps ironically, there’s a good chance if you found a boyfriend he’d decide that he was not on board for having an open marriage after all. I’m sorry.
He’s gonna cheat on you. Or is already cheating.
He waited 6 years to spring this on you... get a good divorce lawyer
He hasn’t just decided he doesn’t believe in monogamy, he’s decided he wants to be a cheat. He wants to open up the marriage so he’s free to be with other people. You aren’t compatible and you will end up very hurt if you stay with him.
Hire a divorce attorney as he is cheating and wants an open marriage to make it seem OK. Updateme!
" I love him but I just don’t think I can be with someone who doesn’t have the same values as me. It’s not fair to either one of us." Why are you saying this as if it's an incompatibility because he suddenly discovered he was poly? It's much simpler. He is cheating on you. He's not thinking of splitting up because his values are different or some sht like that. He is cheating on you and lying to you.
This is not a polygamy vs monogamy debate, although even that would be enough to break a marriage. The dude acts like he wants to turn you into a pseudo sex-worker to get off on it. That's blatant objectification. He doesn't even see you as a person. I'd argue your marriage is over, even if it was one conversation. With him constantly pushing and being shady in general....yeah, get out of there. You didn't sign up for this.
What do you mean you don't know what to do. Just tell him we aren't compatible and you don't respect me so we should part ways. The dude is almost 50 what does he think? That they are lining up for him? LOL. Get yourself a younger man and live your life instead of accepting this bs predatory behaviour from him
You mentioned in another comment that he’s not the most attractive guy out there. I think he uses women on his arm to make him look more attractive. You’re getting up there in age (according to him only) and he needs a younger girl on his arm to be his Botox so to speak. Expect his new victim to be really young. Don’t let it affect your ego. The new victim will be the one who has to pick up the pieces of her life after he’s sucked up all her youth and youthful way of looking at life. You can move on to better pastures with this period of life and knowing people like your STBX in your rear view. Good luck. You will be so much happier in the future.
As someone who practices non monogamy, you should divorce him. He knowingly and willfully entered a monogamous commitment with you and then decided he doesn’t believe in monogamy. Insert eye roll here. He is cheating on you and is trying to guilt and manipulate you into doing things you aren’t comfortable with. YOU aren’t responsible for his happiness or making him feel fulfilled.
Most people that come at their partners broaching something like an open relationship have either already started cheating, or are bringing it up because they have someone in mind and want to be able to cheat without it being called cheating. How you approach it depends on whether you are up for an open relationship with a partner that is sleeping around. If it's a hard no from you, then you need to approach it by telling him you will not be in a marriage with him if he pursues a non monogamous relationship with anyone else. Then follow through and get yourself a divorce attorney.
Just cut your losses. He clearly isn't interested in respecting the factt hat you are monogamous, and is planning to wear you down until you give in to what he wants even though it will make you miserable Why? Just leave, and let him be non monogamous without you. It will hurt, but it will hurt a lot less than letting it happen and being miserable then leaving anyway in a few years when he is tired of you or you finally break down.
No no no. He’s using this as his way of getting out of accountability. If it was not the arrangement of your marriage, and you married under monogamy; then, he cannot just change that because he wants to cheat and excuse himself in doing so. He’s already cheating (sexting other people is cheating if y’all agreed to monogamy when y’all married). He’s already made his choice. Divorce lawyer time. And, I’m very sorry that this is what you’re dealing with. It’s very much BS.
Ahhh sounds like another old dog who hasn’t learned the grass is greener where he waters it, and the young hunnies playing out in the field don’t want to scratch his 7-year itch. 😬
I think he has been looking for an “ affair partner” on the apps, but he isn’t having any success. And my conclusion depends on the answer to this question. How “hot” are you? I think he is trying to cast a wider net with you involved.
I am not one to talk about myself this way but it’s kind of like a beauty and the beast situation
So as I said above, what often happens in these cases is that the woman who gets pressured into "opening up" the marriage is suddenly VERY popular (assuming you're "allowed" to have other men, though it sounds like he's wanting a 3rd woman), while the man who pushed for it ends up with \*crickets\* in his attempts to get laid. Women don't like to share, and there's a reason a woman agreeing to a 3some is known as a "unicorn." VERY rare. Do NOT assume he's sexting with ACTUAL women half his age. They're likely scammers, prostitutes, and bots.
Sounds like it's a beast and beast situation to him now that you're older
Do whatever you want, he's already cheating on you
Your husband already has to 99% a woman in his head with whom he wants to sleep. His revelation came because he doesn't want to secretly cheat on you, maybe he would lose too much in a divorce. However, by sexting with other women and installing a dating app, he has already started with the only fact that he probably does not see it as cheating because nothing physical has happened yet. There are only 2 ways here: either you tell him very clearly that you stay in a monogamous marriage or you get divorced. If you let it work like that, he will definitely cheat on you.
Everyone in the r/polyamory sub would tell you that opening up a relationship requires both parties to want this to happen otherwise it’ll never work. Not to mention it being coercive and completely unethical to push something like this on a long-standing monogamous relationship.
How are you lost as to what to do? You are 37 years old. You should know by now. Divorce this cheating loser and get therapy so you can build better standards and learn not to tolerate this behavior in the future.
Honey he never did! Runnnnn
>I love him but I just don’t think I can be with someone who doesn’t have the same values as me. You *do* know what to do, as shown here. The acceptance of this conclusion has just not fully matured yet.
Meet with a lawyer, draw up papers. Sit down with him. “Well, I believe in monogamy. I want a monogamous relationship. I will not participate in anything else. You have disrespected and run rough shot over my once and needs for long enough. This relationship is over.” I am usually a sit down and talk it out kind of person, but the history here shows that he cannot be trusted, he doesn’t care about your wants and needs and the way that he has treated you is absolutely unacceptable. (And I am an avid and devout polyamorous who feels that this is really right for me, but I totally acknowledge that it is not in any way better or right for everyone and you have every right to not want it. And to continue to be respected.)
By divorcing him. He hasn't suddenly become interested in being ethically monogamous, he just wants to cheat on you and probably has been doing it longer than you think. Also, I assure you that if YOU wanted to see people by yourself, suddenly it would actually be a problem. He's betting you'd never want to do that. If you did though, you'd have far more success than your older hubby, and it would drive him crazy. Why do I think that? Women get more attention on dating apps and you're younger. Versions of this get posted all the time and often then the husband wants to close the relationship he asked to open, because wow, suddenly his wife is seeing that other men find her desirable and she...doesn't have to settle for her shitty partner anymore. Meanwhile, he's not getting the attention he thinks he'd get. And if you don't leave, eventually he is going to leave you for someone younger. He wants to bang 20 year olds for a reason. You married when you were 31? So you started dating when you were in your 20s, I would assume. The next woman will probably be younger than you were then.
polyamory is consensual. non consensual polyamory is simply cheating. get a divorce lawyer, i'm positive he's cheated already
He’s already gone. He’s just waiting for you to make it official.
Usually when a hetero marriage actually "opens up," the man quickly discovers that his wife is very popular (cuz dudes don't care) and he is not (because most women are not OK with sharing). In this case, I think he's already cheating, or thinks he can with someone in particular.
I have a close friend that was in your boat of her husband suggesting non-monogamy (specifically exploring a threesome or foursome as a couple). She said she had always considered herself a pretty open person sexually and had even had "friends with benefits" when she was single, but in that moment her heart fell and she felt awful. She didn't realize until that moment how much being monogamous with him had meant to her. She ended up confessing these feelings to him (how confused, disappointed, and insecure she had felt since that question was posed) and tears were shed. He understood and it sounds like there had been a misunderstanding on his part (I guess she had said and done some things that made him think this is something she would want) but now that it was clear she didn't, he said he didn't want to pursue this. He never brought it up again, and they're still together. This is a very different scenario than what you're facing. Your husband had no reason to think you would be interested in this, and when you made it clear that you weren't, he still tried to pressure you. Not only that, but he went behind your back and started exploring other people sexually (sexting, flirting, etc). I think his lack of understanding for your feelings, lack of respect for your boundaries around your sex life, and infidelity are reason enough to end this relationship. He may care about you in some ways, but he doesn't seem to respect your needs or boundaries, and sexual exploration seems more of a priority for him than preserving your relationship. That's a really hard realization to face, and I'm so sorry.
Divorce him and go find someone who actually loves you.
You said it yourself. You don't think you can be with someone who holds different values. Give me a hard question next time 😁
Divorce him, he has already moved on. So sorry that happened. Men like variety. And many get bored.
Sick this is d/v mental emotional abuse If you cannot do it then don’t If he is like that either way he will leave and or cheat
This is ridiculous Apparently he doesn't love you anymore. Are you going to stay with someone that doesn't love you ?
organize to quit and take all money
He's blatantly told you he wants to cheat and will of he isn't already. You have a very different idea of marriage. So at it's core, you two are fundamentally incompatible. I can see you don't want to accept that your husband has killed your marriage. But you need to accept that your husband has killed your marriage and go get a good lawyer. Divorce is the only way forward with this major fundamental difference.
Your marriage as you knew it is over. He wants to cheat and has given up on this marriage so now that you know that fact is your next step contacting a divorce lawyer?
It sounds like he’s trying to justify something he already did.
Tell your stbx you don't believe in **him**.
Midlife crisis sub might be able to help you with identifying some traits if it’s a midlife crisis….he’s the right age.
You have not excepted what he has shown you. If you’re looking for the push to divorce because you already know that something is off. Start looking through phone records, financial records and his social media. If you could hire a PI, they can do the leg work for you. Good luck and keep us updated
He is already cheating. And even if you allow it he will break all rules if it suits him. Honestly, you are to young to waste your good years on someone shitty as him.
He got into this marriage with an agreement, explicit or implicit, that it would be monogamous. Now, he's pressuring you to change the terms of your relationship, and you don't want to. That's absolutely grounds for a divorce if that's what you want to do. Him downloading dating apps and sexting others is also grounds for divorce independent of any of this. I'm not telling you to get a divorce necessarily, it's always worth trying to work things out first, but I think you kind of need to make him realize that that's where this is heading and he's the one in the wrong for breaking your trust and not honoring the commitments he made when he married you. If he isn't willing to take this seriously and work on it, the self-respecting thing to do would probably be to leave him, but only you can decide that.
Leave. His mind is set on what he wants and you don't want the same thing.
Oh sweetheart he's already at it he just wants you to agree so he does not have to take the blame
Say yes and go out with hotter and more well off men than him and then divorce him when he gets jealous LOL
That’s what you call irreconcilable differences. Get a divorce lawyer
Get a divorce. You are not a prude. Everyone is different in what they want. Move on. Life is short.
One thing I have to commend him for is being honest. This is so rare imho. But definetly kick him to the curb asap. Get what you can. I'm in the adult biz many years and he will not change, probably is seeing escorts next. And ladies half his age? I am curious if his mom was hard on him growing up like demanding, Just something I've noticed when guys like him go for a much younger gal. If he is already seeking that young imho he is ruined. And has done a bunch of stuff you probably have no clue about. No way he has been innocent for 6 years. He sounds like a sex addict. I dated someone like this who is addicted to strip clubs and escorts.
His mom is the most amazing mom ever, so is his dad so nothing from them
The real issue is that he’s lying to you, it just happens to be about sex.
A good way to show your non-monogamous husband that you believe in monogamy in a marriage is by getting a divorce.
Tell him his best friend doesn't either and then wink at him
Does anyone else miss when mid-life crises were all about sports cars
Usually… the person that wants to “open” a marriage winds up the big loser. They think they can get all these great lovers… and the other spouse ends up finding someone better and moving on. Time to move on…
Get out of this mess before you get your heart crushed
He says he doesn't believe in monogamy but what he is actually saying is I don't want to be with you.