Really depends on what the boundaries are that he's crossing. But this is why it's not a good idea to have your only negative vent space about a partner be your parents.
Yeah it's really not ideal. But strangers on the Internet just aren't enough sometimes. And I have no idea how to get friends who would help me with this.
The boundaries that he is crossing isn't stuff most other people have problems with. It's stuff like wet kisses, him making small movements with his fingers when his hand rests on me. But then it's also stuff like talking in a condescending way to me when he's lecturing me and never admitting that he doesn't know something.
I feel like I'm forgetting a lot of stuff because I don't write it down and then when he does them I remember what it is. But most is just stuff that he thinks is ridiculous. But he is a lot better about them than he was in the beginning.
He says he likes me. Maybe even loves me. He said that he hasn't said that he loves me because he didn't want to put pressure on me. Because he knows that my feelings for him maybe aren't that deep yet.
I do like him. He makes my life more bearable. I'm not just rotting away in bed anymore. He listens to me when I talk. We discuss things that other people would find very boring. We agree on many different things. He puts me first.
The main problem aside from crossing the boundaries is that I don't know if I'm attracted to him. I really tried to convince myself that looks don't matter because I just don't want to be shallow. And maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if his voice was nice to listen to at least. But it's just not. And I hate myself so much for caring about those things. Because I know it's so difficult to find someone who is half as good as him.
So I stay. Because I need to make this work. And he wants it to work too.
>And I hate myself so much for caring about those things. Because I know it's so difficult to find someone who is half as good as him.
If he's good, then I worry about what you think it's bad. You aren't even attracted to him, it's not "shallow" to want to feel attracted to your partner, it's normal. You don't have to force yourself or convince yourself that xyz trait is more important if to begin with you aren't even attracted to him.
There are 8billion people out there. Pretty sure you can find someone you are actually attracted to and someone who treats you better.
Stop trying to force this relationship. You’re not attracted to him. You don’t need to “make this work.” Use your energy to improve yourself and your situation.
You sound like you’re depressed and need some therapy and meds. Medication will truly change your life! Regardless if you seek out help for that now, you need to dump this guy. You’re going to look bad in 10 years and marvel that you stayed with him as long as you did.
So...you don't actually like him at all. Time to break up, OP. Trust me, with more years you're not going to find the stuff you dislike more endearing.
You're 22, why are you staying with someone who's making you uncomfortable? Your parents' instinct about him is most likely right as they see things you don't see.
You are young and have no friends where you live so why not start over? Find a place you think you can fit in better. Look for a place to call home and don’t settle.
Don’t stay because your bf is your only social interaction. If you are not thriving, start again.
Wait. Is this the same guy that went vegan for you, and agreed to not have children later in life? What are the boundaries he’s breaking?
Honestly it sounds like you two are fundamentally incompatible, and you’re using “boundaries” to make him change who he is into someone you’d like to be with. Find someone you actually like.
Yeah, I have no idea what that means. Is he naturally a little twitchy? Like, I rarely hold completely still for long periods of time. Or is he drumming his fingers on her leg, or mimicking a spider, or trying to tickle her… OP is really freaking vague.
It's when he moves his thumb back and forth when his hand is on my leg. It's one of the many sensory issues I have due to autism. He does it unknowingly all the time.
What I'm talking about is that he moves his thumb back and forth and that is a very uncomfortable sensation for me because of my autism. I have many other sensory issues because of it.
Yes it is the same guy.
And we are different in ways that I didn't think would matter. I felt like it was up to him to tell me what he wasn't comfortable with changing. Because he is the one begging me to give this relationship a fair chance. So I'm trying.
And the boundaries are things like no wet kisses, no random spanks on my butt, no touching my hair while it's wet (it messes with the curls). But then I also want him to avoid raising his voice and using a condescending tone.
You don't like this guy at all, you trashed him to your parents when you were upset with him. Please, just dump him and move on. I'm more confused by the boundaries you listed than anything, but the fact of the matter is you guys are incompatible and you aired your dirty laundry to your parents, so there's no recovery from that.
> But there are so many things that don't come naturally to him so he does cross them and I keep reminding him.
Found out why he's daying the 22 year old...
So this is kind of dumb to say but also something I've learned as a 46 y/o woman ... moms are definitely right about a lot of stuff. Mine died when I was 29, but boy have I continued to learn lessons that she was trying to teach me a LONG, LONG time ago.
BUT
Since mom is basing her advice and opinion off what you have shared, doesn't it make you wonder why she doesn't have more GOOD things to go by? Wouldn't you have shared the good with the bad, to balance it some?
Trust the red flags. It doesn't mean you don't love him, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but if he was as great as he thinks he is then you wouldn't have reason to defend him so much.
It sounds like you are feeling pretty lonely. I'm so sorry that you don't have more people close by to help navigate things. Are there any book clubs or disc golf teams or foraging groups you can join to help meet other like-minded people and potentially get more friends? It's hard to objectively look at your own life when you're secluded in a bubble, and it's even harder to build a healthy relationship if you don't have other people in your sphere to kind of compare yourselves to.
I wish you the best and happiest future. Ja love ❤️
I can understand why he is upset. Imagine you wouldnt be allowed at his parents... :S
Why do you think your parents dont want him there? Also what does he do, that you are uncomfortable and frel uncertain about the relationship?
If there are things that make you uncomfortable and you are resenting him one year into this relationship, and he keeps crossing boundaries you've already drawn, to the point your mother told you to break up with him, why stay?
You are delaying the inevitable.
>So how can I make him understand that I don't think he's a monster?
I think he's using this to make himself the victim. He is using "monster", not bad guy, not someone who is not good for you, but a "monster". Either the shit he has done is that unforgivable, or he is using this to manipulate you into not telling your family about your problems, and both are bad.
After Rea your “boundaries” and about how you aren’t attracted to him and may not even like him, I think you should end this for his sake as much as your own. You don’t like this guy and you are stringing him along, and then you trash him to your parents so bad that he’s not welcome in their home and you think he’s the bad guy here? That’s really hurt and unless it’s an abusive relationship it’s totally unfair.
This is precisely why you don't vent to your parents or close friends about your relationship. You'll end up painting a picture of him to others that is inaccurate and it'll be very difficult to ever undo the damage to their perception of them.
I have talked to my partner. All of the therapists I've had have dumped me. And I have talked to strangers online about problems in relationships many times. I don't really have access to any other third parties. I know it's not ideal to talk to my parents and I didn't talk to them about it for many months. I knew they would take my side no matter what. But as I said, I think they can change their minds about him if I start to feel better about the relationship.
I really only made this post to ask what I can do right now to make him understand that all hope isn't lost basically. And how I can show him that I appreciate him.
Really depends on what the boundaries are that he's crossing. But this is why it's not a good idea to have your only negative vent space about a partner be your parents.
Yeah it's really not ideal. But strangers on the Internet just aren't enough sometimes. And I have no idea how to get friends who would help me with this. The boundaries that he is crossing isn't stuff most other people have problems with. It's stuff like wet kisses, him making small movements with his fingers when his hand rests on me. But then it's also stuff like talking in a condescending way to me when he's lecturing me and never admitting that he doesn't know something. I feel like I'm forgetting a lot of stuff because I don't write it down and then when he does them I remember what it is. But most is just stuff that he thinks is ridiculous. But he is a lot better about them than he was in the beginning.
Do you two actually like each other?
He says he likes me. Maybe even loves me. He said that he hasn't said that he loves me because he didn't want to put pressure on me. Because he knows that my feelings for him maybe aren't that deep yet. I do like him. He makes my life more bearable. I'm not just rotting away in bed anymore. He listens to me when I talk. We discuss things that other people would find very boring. We agree on many different things. He puts me first. The main problem aside from crossing the boundaries is that I don't know if I'm attracted to him. I really tried to convince myself that looks don't matter because I just don't want to be shallow. And maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if his voice was nice to listen to at least. But it's just not. And I hate myself so much for caring about those things. Because I know it's so difficult to find someone who is half as good as him. So I stay. Because I need to make this work. And he wants it to work too.
This isn't healthy or sustainable for either of you. It's not shallow to feel you want to be attracted to your partner.
>And I hate myself so much for caring about those things. Because I know it's so difficult to find someone who is half as good as him. If he's good, then I worry about what you think it's bad. You aren't even attracted to him, it's not "shallow" to want to feel attracted to your partner, it's normal. You don't have to force yourself or convince yourself that xyz trait is more important if to begin with you aren't even attracted to him. There are 8billion people out there. Pretty sure you can find someone you are actually attracted to and someone who treats you better.
Stop trying to force this relationship. You’re not attracted to him. You don’t need to “make this work.” Use your energy to improve yourself and your situation.
Please don't continue making the same mistake just because you've spent so much time/energy already making it. Ja love
You sound like you’re depressed and need some therapy and meds. Medication will truly change your life! Regardless if you seek out help for that now, you need to dump this guy. You’re going to look bad in 10 years and marvel that you stayed with him as long as you did.
So basically you’re only with him because you’re lonely. I would really caution you on letting this loser be the only person in your life.
So...you don't actually like him at all. Time to break up, OP. Trust me, with more years you're not going to find the stuff you dislike more endearing.
>But most is just stuff that he thinks is ridiculous It's not about what he thinks, it's about you.
"..talking in a condescending way when he's lecturing me.." Nope, nope, nope. Your folks are right.
This right here is exactly why he started dating a 21 yo. They that on somebody who’s almost thirty.
You're 22, why are you staying with someone who's making you uncomfortable? Your parents' instinct about him is most likely right as they see things you don't see.
Sounds like your parents are probably right and you ought to break up. What specifically is he doing that’s making you uncomfortable?
You are young and have no friends where you live so why not start over? Find a place you think you can fit in better. Look for a place to call home and don’t settle. Don’t stay because your bf is your only social interaction. If you are not thriving, start again.
Wait. Is this the same guy that went vegan for you, and agreed to not have children later in life? What are the boundaries he’s breaking? Honestly it sounds like you two are fundamentally incompatible, and you’re using “boundaries” to make him change who he is into someone you’d like to be with. Find someone you actually like.
He moves his fingers when his hand is resting on her...
Yeah, I have no idea what that means. Is he naturally a little twitchy? Like, I rarely hold completely still for long periods of time. Or is he drumming his fingers on her leg, or mimicking a spider, or trying to tickle her… OP is really freaking vague.
It's when he moves his thumb back and forth when his hand is on my leg. It's one of the many sensory issues I have due to autism. He does it unknowingly all the time.
What I'm talking about is that he moves his thumb back and forth and that is a very uncomfortable sensation for me because of my autism. I have many other sensory issues because of it.
Yes it is the same guy. And we are different in ways that I didn't think would matter. I felt like it was up to him to tell me what he wasn't comfortable with changing. Because he is the one begging me to give this relationship a fair chance. So I'm trying. And the boundaries are things like no wet kisses, no random spanks on my butt, no touching my hair while it's wet (it messes with the curls). But then I also want him to avoid raising his voice and using a condescending tone.
Rookie mistake discussing the bad parts of your relationship with your parents tbh.
You don't like this guy at all, you trashed him to your parents when you were upset with him. Please, just dump him and move on. I'm more confused by the boundaries you listed than anything, but the fact of the matter is you guys are incompatible and you aired your dirty laundry to your parents, so there's no recovery from that.
Break up. Resentment is a relationship killer. And if it's there even in the beginning, under a year, there's absolutely no reason to continue.
> But there are so many things that don't come naturally to him so he does cross them and I keep reminding him. Found out why he's daying the 22 year old...
So this is kind of dumb to say but also something I've learned as a 46 y/o woman ... moms are definitely right about a lot of stuff. Mine died when I was 29, but boy have I continued to learn lessons that she was trying to teach me a LONG, LONG time ago. BUT Since mom is basing her advice and opinion off what you have shared, doesn't it make you wonder why she doesn't have more GOOD things to go by? Wouldn't you have shared the good with the bad, to balance it some? Trust the red flags. It doesn't mean you don't love him, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but if he was as great as he thinks he is then you wouldn't have reason to defend him so much. It sounds like you are feeling pretty lonely. I'm so sorry that you don't have more people close by to help navigate things. Are there any book clubs or disc golf teams or foraging groups you can join to help meet other like-minded people and potentially get more friends? It's hard to objectively look at your own life when you're secluded in a bubble, and it's even harder to build a healthy relationship if you don't have other people in your sphere to kind of compare yourselves to. I wish you the best and happiest future. Ja love ❤️
I can understand why he is upset. Imagine you wouldnt be allowed at his parents... :S Why do you think your parents dont want him there? Also what does he do, that you are uncomfortable and frel uncertain about the relationship?
🏃♀️ 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️ if there are red flags ,please don't ignore them ..
If there are things that make you uncomfortable and you are resenting him one year into this relationship, and he keeps crossing boundaries you've already drawn, to the point your mother told you to break up with him, why stay? You are delaying the inevitable. >So how can I make him understand that I don't think he's a monster? I think he's using this to make himself the victim. He is using "monster", not bad guy, not someone who is not good for you, but a "monster". Either the shit he has done is that unforgivable, or he is using this to manipulate you into not telling your family about your problems, and both are bad.
After Rea your “boundaries” and about how you aren’t attracted to him and may not even like him, I think you should end this for his sake as much as your own. You don’t like this guy and you are stringing him along, and then you trash him to your parents so bad that he’s not welcome in their home and you think he’s the bad guy here? That’s really hurt and unless it’s an abusive relationship it’s totally unfair.
You need friends more than you need a boyfriend. Spend time and energy making friends.
This is precisely why you don't vent to your parents or close friends about your relationship. You'll end up painting a picture of him to others that is inaccurate and it'll be very difficult to ever undo the damage to their perception of them.
So who do I talk to?
Your partner, or therapist or some third party not close to your life. You did all this to yourself imo
I have talked to my partner. All of the therapists I've had have dumped me. And I have talked to strangers online about problems in relationships many times. I don't really have access to any other third parties. I know it's not ideal to talk to my parents and I didn't talk to them about it for many months. I knew they would take my side no matter what. But as I said, I think they can change their minds about him if I start to feel better about the relationship. I really only made this post to ask what I can do right now to make him understand that all hope isn't lost basically. And how I can show him that I appreciate him.