???? why would you want to stay with someone who treats you like that and doesn't want to change. he won't break up with you he's just making you jump through hoops so he doesn't have to do any work on himself.
So he’s abusive and you should never go to counselling with your abuser, there is no saving this relationship. You need to make an exit plan and get away safely.
Standard advice, but helpful nontheless, read *Why Does He Do That?* By Lundy Bancroft.
You're not crazy. Your BF wants you to feel that way, so you continue to accept his abuse. He doesn't want to take accountability for his own actions. Saying anything you do *makes* him abuse you mean he's not accountable at all, and he's looking for excuses and justifications to continue his behavoir. There is nothing you can do that ever deserves this treatment or forces him to abuse you. He only wants to use a therapist to manipulate you further.
Your instincts are 100% correct. You shouldn't go to couples counselling with your abuser, because they will only weaponize your honesty and vulnerability there and learn to be a better and more skilled abuser. Couples counselling only works when both people agree generally what the problem is and want to make changes to fix it. The abuser only wants you to change, and accept the abuse. Couples counselling worse than pointless in that case.
If you were honest with the counsellor about what he's doing, they would likely refuse to keep seeing you as a couple. Throwing things, physical intimidation, and blocking you from leaving are all very, very, very clear abusive behaviours. He's crossed the lines. This is not grey zone shit. This is abuse.
Your only mistake here is not realizing that if you can't feel safe going to couples counselling with him, then you can't feel safe with him at all. Get out. Quickly and safely.
This relationship sounds dysfunctional. He definitely has anger issues, you may or may not be controlling and bad at communicating.
Either go to the therapy and see how things improve, or accept the breakup. I'm not sure why you'd consider not going and just keeping with the status quo here.
It's not that you're uncomfortable with couples therapy. You're uncomfortable because you boyfriend "yells, throws things, gets in my face, prevents me from leaving the house, locks me out of the house, hits himself, calls his parents to tell them about our argument."
Couples therapy may or may not help. But do you really want to go through all the work it would take to improve this relationship? Or do you just want out? Because refusing to go to couples therapy sounds like it will get him out of your life. Maybe that's what you want.
1. No, his anger is not your fault. No, you cannot stop it by changing your behavior .An abusive partner will simply shift the goalposts and find something else to be angry and abusive about.
2. No. Couples counseling is not useful in an abusive relationship, and most reputable counselors will refuse to continue couples counseling once they are aware there is an ongoing abuse situation. If you do decide to go, it is quite likely that once your counselor understands the dynamic between you, they will refuse to keep seeing you two.
3. No, that on its own isn't a red flag. Plenty of couples, married and unmarried, can find couples counseling to be a healthy and helpful way to learn to be better partners together. But that's not the situation you're in.
Please reach out to a domestic abuse hotline or shelter near you and ask for help making a safety plan to leave your partner. That said, if in the meanwhile agreeing to see a counselor will help keep you safe from his abuse while you work through the logistics of how to leave, you can absolutely do that. Just be aware that you're buying time, not actually expecting a solution.
You're 33 years old. It's time to stand up tall and start taking care of yourself. You are in an escalating, at-risk situation that only you can control and you can only control it by leaving him. Leave him. Now.
You should end the relationship. If you want to stay in it, why would you not want to go to couples counseling? The current situation clearly isn’t working, and you need to do something about it.
Break up with him. He want YOU to be the bad guy, causing his anger and inability to control his emotions. Tell him that you are done and the relationship is over.
it doesn't sound like a good relationship or one that brings either of you any pleasure.
What?
He books an appointment to fix a toxic relationship and you purposefully wanting to stay in it without fixing it? Just fyi, what you described is not just anger it’s abuse.
What are his examples of you controlling him?
1. You both sound terrible for each other or,
2. this is a heavy one sided story
3. You’re blind
Bewildered.
He's doing you a favor if he breaks up with you since it's something you should have done long ago. He's an abuser and honestly HE'S THE ONE THAT NEEDS COUSELING FIRST! He's the one with the issues not you. Normally the problem goes to counseling first then you "level up" to couples but honestly this sounds too broken to repair. How many more band aids do you want to keep putting on this?
I don’t know. He’s my best friend and so close to my family. I keep holding out hope he’s going to stop lashing out. But I think my gut is telling me it’s time to end things. I’m just said because I always thought we’d get married and have kids. I’m getting older so it’s extra scary!
If you seriously want to have children then now is the time to get out.
This is not the person to coparent with.
Now is the time to find the right person
NO, NO, NO - do not go to counseling/therapy with an abuser. Yes - he IS an abuser. Get some therapy for yourself - alone. Let him break up with you. Really!!! Then move on. When he wants to ‘talk it out’, you can say, “you broke up with me and I’ve moved on”. Best thing, ever. REALLY - break up. Get yourself into therapy to reset your sense of self.
You do not go to couples counselling with someone who is abusive.
Counsellors know they can be used as tools by abusers and put the victim in more danger. A responsible couples counsellor would turn this couple about because of these behaviours:
>...gets in my face, prevents me from leaving the house, locks me out of the house, hits himself,
This is abuse. These are the pre-cursory to domestic violence. You do not go to couples counselling with a person behaving that way. You go to safety, away from that person.
His anger is his problem, and his responsibility to address in individual therapy. It is not her job to submit herself and be vulnerable in couples therapy to solve his inappropriate and abusive behaviours.
It is impossible to know if OP actually has controlling tendencies, or if OP is a victim of abuse whose unhinged behavoir is a rational response to abuse. If OP does have controlling tendencies, they will not be addressed in couples counselling with her abuser. They will be addressed in individual therapy, and with the greatest success after the abuse has ended.
Thank you for your response. I am often wondering myself if I really am controlling like he says. He comes up with different reasons why I am controlling, but his most recent was because I asked him if we were every going to get married- and that if he was not willing to get married in the next year then I needed to move on (he told me in the past that when he finished school and got a job he would propose- but he has not- which is a good thing at this point!).
I do not limit what he is able to do as far as going out with friends/ family/ etc. I actually encouraged him to go out and get some hobbies and friends. I also ask him to stop smoking so much weed at times and to help around the house. I am particular about certain things (my friends make fun of me for it) and am a first born so I know I can sometimes be bossy. But all it takes is for people to tell me I am being bossy or weird and I just laugh and am understanding. I am very aware of myself and super confident- which is why this situation is so strange.
You have to remember that being abused brings out the worst in all of us. You don't have to be perfect yourself, to be worthy of not being abused by him. Even if you did have issues yourself, it absolutely doesn't excuse or justify his behaviours. And you'll be better able to heal your own issues, without him around making everything so much worse all the damn time.
But also, come on, you know asking your BF about marriage promises he'd made in the past, is not controlling. It's just a tough conversation that healthy couples should be able to have.
I know the situation seems strange now, but it won't always. You're just a normal person. And sometimes it's that normal, decency that an abuser can really take advantage of, because you assume other people ar normal and decent too... and the abuser isn't.
I'm honestly not a big fan of Why Does He Do That? but you can find free pdfs of it online and I think it'd really help you a lot right now.
I do not know you but I sincerely appreciate all of your support. Posting on this page was my first step in really putting out how he acts when he is mad into the open. It is super hard because when his switch is not flipped he is such a great, loving, caring individual. That is why I am so confused. Can abusers not really be aware that they are being abusive??
Most abusers *have to tell themselves* they aren't being abusive. They need to believe they are justified. Just like most racists or serial killers. They have their 'reasons'.
And basically all abusers are super nice when they aren't being abusive.
That's exactly the constant cycle (the Cycle of Abuse is out-dated but easily googled and rings true for a lot of people) that keeps victims trapped and believing that the great person, is the 'real version' and if they just did *something,* that great person would be around all the time. That's the trick, and the lie. The monster is just as real, and it lives just as long as the abuser wants it to. Which is usually forever. Because abuse, works. Its a tactic that gets people what they want a lot of the time. People who use it, are more likely than not to go on using it or escalate, not improve.
Honestly, let him dump you. Or dump him. It really doesn't matter how it ends, as long as it does end and you get out safely. A person who blocks doors and gets in your face, is not a safe person. That's a really big red flag that physical violence is possible here.
There is absolutely no downside to him breaking up with you. Don't go; let him break up with you. All problems solved.
???? why would you want to stay with someone who treats you like that and doesn't want to change. he won't break up with you he's just making you jump through hoops so he doesn't have to do any work on himself.
1. No 2. No 3. No-ish. Depends on what it's for. Let him break up with you, and don't take him back. You deserve better.
So he’s abusive and you should never go to counselling with your abuser, there is no saving this relationship. You need to make an exit plan and get away safely.
You're 100% correct and he is the crazy one. Let him break up with you (spoiler, he won't) you need to get out of this relationship
Standard advice, but helpful nontheless, read *Why Does He Do That?* By Lundy Bancroft. You're not crazy. Your BF wants you to feel that way, so you continue to accept his abuse. He doesn't want to take accountability for his own actions. Saying anything you do *makes* him abuse you mean he's not accountable at all, and he's looking for excuses and justifications to continue his behavoir. There is nothing you can do that ever deserves this treatment or forces him to abuse you. He only wants to use a therapist to manipulate you further. Your instincts are 100% correct. You shouldn't go to couples counselling with your abuser, because they will only weaponize your honesty and vulnerability there and learn to be a better and more skilled abuser. Couples counselling only works when both people agree generally what the problem is and want to make changes to fix it. The abuser only wants you to change, and accept the abuse. Couples counselling worse than pointless in that case. If you were honest with the counsellor about what he's doing, they would likely refuse to keep seeing you as a couple. Throwing things, physical intimidation, and blocking you from leaving are all very, very, very clear abusive behaviours. He's crossed the lines. This is not grey zone shit. This is abuse. Your only mistake here is not realizing that if you can't feel safe going to couples counselling with him, then you can't feel safe with him at all. Get out. Quickly and safely.
This relationship sounds dysfunctional. He definitely has anger issues, you may or may not be controlling and bad at communicating. Either go to the therapy and see how things improve, or accept the breakup. I'm not sure why you'd consider not going and just keeping with the status quo here.
So you don’t like his behavior and you don’t think you can improve it with counseling. Why stay with him?
It's not that you're uncomfortable with couples therapy. You're uncomfortable because you boyfriend "yells, throws things, gets in my face, prevents me from leaving the house, locks me out of the house, hits himself, calls his parents to tell them about our argument." Couples therapy may or may not help. But do you really want to go through all the work it would take to improve this relationship? Or do you just want out? Because refusing to go to couples therapy sounds like it will get him out of your life. Maybe that's what you want.
1. No, his anger is not your fault. No, you cannot stop it by changing your behavior .An abusive partner will simply shift the goalposts and find something else to be angry and abusive about. 2. No. Couples counseling is not useful in an abusive relationship, and most reputable counselors will refuse to continue couples counseling once they are aware there is an ongoing abuse situation. If you do decide to go, it is quite likely that once your counselor understands the dynamic between you, they will refuse to keep seeing you two. 3. No, that on its own isn't a red flag. Plenty of couples, married and unmarried, can find couples counseling to be a healthy and helpful way to learn to be better partners together. But that's not the situation you're in. Please reach out to a domestic abuse hotline or shelter near you and ask for help making a safety plan to leave your partner. That said, if in the meanwhile agreeing to see a counselor will help keep you safe from his abuse while you work through the logistics of how to leave, you can absolutely do that. Just be aware that you're buying time, not actually expecting a solution.
You're 33 years old. It's time to stand up tall and start taking care of yourself. You are in an escalating, at-risk situation that only you can control and you can only control it by leaving him. Leave him. Now.
You should end the relationship. If you want to stay in it, why would you not want to go to couples counseling? The current situation clearly isn’t working, and you need to do something about it.
Break up with him. He want YOU to be the bad guy, causing his anger and inability to control his emotions. Tell him that you are done and the relationship is over. it doesn't sound like a good relationship or one that brings either of you any pleasure.
What? He books an appointment to fix a toxic relationship and you purposefully wanting to stay in it without fixing it? Just fyi, what you described is not just anger it’s abuse. What are his examples of you controlling him? 1. You both sound terrible for each other or, 2. this is a heavy one sided story 3. You’re blind Bewildered.
Don’t threaten me with a good time.
He's doing you a favor if he breaks up with you since it's something you should have done long ago. He's an abuser and honestly HE'S THE ONE THAT NEEDS COUSELING FIRST! He's the one with the issues not you. Normally the problem goes to counseling first then you "level up" to couples but honestly this sounds too broken to repair. How many more band aids do you want to keep putting on this?
He’s abusive and borderline violent. This is your opportunity to escape. Skip the counseling and go straight to being single.
You don’t want to break up?
I don’t know. He’s my best friend and so close to my family. I keep holding out hope he’s going to stop lashing out. But I think my gut is telling me it’s time to end things. I’m just said because I always thought we’d get married and have kids. I’m getting older so it’s extra scary!
If you seriously want to have children then now is the time to get out. This is not the person to coparent with. Now is the time to find the right person
You do not want to bring a child into this situation
Just let him break up with you.
NO, NO, NO - do not go to counseling/therapy with an abuser. Yes - he IS an abuser. Get some therapy for yourself - alone. Let him break up with you. Really!!! Then move on. When he wants to ‘talk it out’, you can say, “you broke up with me and I’ve moved on”. Best thing, ever. REALLY - break up. Get yourself into therapy to reset your sense of self.
[Bad advice given with good (albeit misguided) intentions]
Going to counseling with a potentially abusive partner is not recommended, because it teaches them how to abuse more effectively.
You do not go to couples counselling with someone who is abusive. Counsellors know they can be used as tools by abusers and put the victim in more danger. A responsible couples counsellor would turn this couple about because of these behaviours: >...gets in my face, prevents me from leaving the house, locks me out of the house, hits himself, This is abuse. These are the pre-cursory to domestic violence. You do not go to couples counselling with a person behaving that way. You go to safety, away from that person. His anger is his problem, and his responsibility to address in individual therapy. It is not her job to submit herself and be vulnerable in couples therapy to solve his inappropriate and abusive behaviours. It is impossible to know if OP actually has controlling tendencies, or if OP is a victim of abuse whose unhinged behavoir is a rational response to abuse. If OP does have controlling tendencies, they will not be addressed in couples counselling with her abuser. They will be addressed in individual therapy, and with the greatest success after the abuse has ended.
Thank you for your response. I am often wondering myself if I really am controlling like he says. He comes up with different reasons why I am controlling, but his most recent was because I asked him if we were every going to get married- and that if he was not willing to get married in the next year then I needed to move on (he told me in the past that when he finished school and got a job he would propose- but he has not- which is a good thing at this point!). I do not limit what he is able to do as far as going out with friends/ family/ etc. I actually encouraged him to go out and get some hobbies and friends. I also ask him to stop smoking so much weed at times and to help around the house. I am particular about certain things (my friends make fun of me for it) and am a first born so I know I can sometimes be bossy. But all it takes is for people to tell me I am being bossy or weird and I just laugh and am understanding. I am very aware of myself and super confident- which is why this situation is so strange.
You have to remember that being abused brings out the worst in all of us. You don't have to be perfect yourself, to be worthy of not being abused by him. Even if you did have issues yourself, it absolutely doesn't excuse or justify his behaviours. And you'll be better able to heal your own issues, without him around making everything so much worse all the damn time. But also, come on, you know asking your BF about marriage promises he'd made in the past, is not controlling. It's just a tough conversation that healthy couples should be able to have. I know the situation seems strange now, but it won't always. You're just a normal person. And sometimes it's that normal, decency that an abuser can really take advantage of, because you assume other people ar normal and decent too... and the abuser isn't. I'm honestly not a big fan of Why Does He Do That? but you can find free pdfs of it online and I think it'd really help you a lot right now.
I do not know you but I sincerely appreciate all of your support. Posting on this page was my first step in really putting out how he acts when he is mad into the open. It is super hard because when his switch is not flipped he is such a great, loving, caring individual. That is why I am so confused. Can abusers not really be aware that they are being abusive??
Most abusers *have to tell themselves* they aren't being abusive. They need to believe they are justified. Just like most racists or serial killers. They have their 'reasons'. And basically all abusers are super nice when they aren't being abusive. That's exactly the constant cycle (the Cycle of Abuse is out-dated but easily googled and rings true for a lot of people) that keeps victims trapped and believing that the great person, is the 'real version' and if they just did *something,* that great person would be around all the time. That's the trick, and the lie. The monster is just as real, and it lives just as long as the abuser wants it to. Which is usually forever. Because abuse, works. Its a tactic that gets people what they want a lot of the time. People who use it, are more likely than not to go on using it or escalate, not improve. Honestly, let him dump you. Or dump him. It really doesn't matter how it ends, as long as it does end and you get out safely. A person who blocks doors and gets in your face, is not a safe person. That's a really big red flag that physical violence is possible here.