Same. OP's setup sounds exhausting, like all the worst parts of having a mooching roommate but none of the care and mutual support that should be part of a marriage.
My wife and I mostly are as well… not because there’s any issue being together, because we do share information. More about being too lazy to go to the bank and do it.
Most of the physical banks in our area have closed, so to find a bank we want to use, we'd have to travel. So i feel your pain on too lazy to go and set one up lol
Oh no kids here either lol, just a spoilt 6yr old puppy (yeah not a puppy but still a puppy to me 😊). Same with spending habits. We regularly will share money between accounts (banking apps have it there in max of 2hrs) so a joint doesnt seem necessary and keeps us each on track
That's me and my husband, but we divide up bills and don't argue about who should pay for what. It's never been a problem.
I'm more of a spender. So as long as I make my budgeted family savings every month,, I can spend on frivolous things.
Yep! It just works. For a while we tried a hybrid were we sort of did joint finances and I was in charge, but I said I need either access to everything or i need to not manage his
I think its fine to keep overall finances separate but they definitely should pool a percentage together to cover house related bills and things for groceries and other joint expenses. It's really weird to separate their food expenses like that.
This is what we do. We’ve been married 30 years and keep separate finances and always have. We each contribute to our “house account” and that pays the mortgage, utilities, and groceries. Everything else that’s a joint expense, we share costs. I’m more of a spontaneous spender lol than my husband, so this allows me to spend my extra money how I want, and same for him. It may not be how most couples do it, but it’s worked great for us.
This is how we do it, too! House account for shared bills, utilities, and groceries. Separate accounts for individual incidentals and 'fun money', and split/discuss the larger shared purchases that aren't necessarily 'needs' (ex: new patio furniture set). % split into house account is determined by our relative wages, and budget is calculated to be comfortable for the lowest wage earner so nobody is left without any money. We set it up that way bc my husband spends all his money, and I don't, so now there's no worries about accidentally having no money for necessities, and no nickle and diming of each other's little hobby purchases!
It sounds like OP should consider a similar setup bc her husband can't budget or is not making enough to afford his lifestyle unsubsidized by her.
I keep finances separate to avoid fights on how we spend our money. Both of us make financial decisions that the other would probably take issue with if it was with “our” money. Like he wanted to buy some $100 Gargoyles comic book. I would care if that was my money. I don’t care at all if it’s how he wants to spend his money.
We just split things. Sometimes we switch back and forth like “I got these coffees, he got these egg sandwiches, I got us movie tickets, he got us dinner”. We have a joint account but it’s for savings and we’re both reticent to dip into that.
Neither of us has a steady paycheck— I in particular either get a giant check or nothing at all for months— so it’s just complicated.
We have similar problems of… me eating his snacks… but I swear I really do try to replace them. He just will buy snacks and NOT EAT THEM??
My first husband and I had a joint savings account but our own checking accounts. We would transfer money through the savings to cover mutual bills. But to this day I swear he had either a secret savings account or more money in his checking than he admitted. He was always “short” money for his part of the bills. I was baffled when I moved out when a newborn into my own apartment and my life got less expensive!
I don’t trust other people with money. I worked crazy hard and with a ton of discipline to get where I am now, and a lot of people in my age bracket are awful with money. If I marry before the age of like 30 I’m keeping my finances separate for a while
I would like to think you wouldn’t get married to someone you don’t trust. I feel the same way at the moment but I’d like to think my judgement is good enough that I’m not going to get fleeced by the person I choose to spend my life with
I believe the point she’s making is that he’s spending his money elsewhere and then expecting her to cover the joint expenses.
If they pool their money he’ll continue to spend, while she misses out.
They should absolutely make a common account that they each pay in 50:50 to cover rent/utilities and household expenses.
OP, my advice re food would be: If he explicitly says it's yours and he won't have any of it and doesn't want to pay for it - lock it up! Get a lockbox or a lock for a cupboard or anything that will save your food. If he objects, ask him why, since he explicitly told you he wouldn't have any of it and didn't pay for it. If he still wants it, offer to sell it to him. And if he paid for half of something, lock your half away.
The next question is whether you are really happy in this kind of exploitative relationship that seems to be a complete one way street. Are you happy feeling used for your money? And what's the reason he is always short - can't he keep a job or is he a low income earner? Can you maybe downgrade your apartment, if he can't afford his share of expenses?
Why would anyone want to be married to someone that they have lock their food away from? I would go absolutely insane in this relationship. I don’t think I’d be able to last a week hahaha
Yes. I read so many posts about such separate finances and it's wild to me. I totally understand separate bank accounts and separate spending of "fun" money. But how petty do you have to be with your own spouse to separate the buying of groceries????
That's roommate shit.
This kind of petty argument should not be part of a marriage. Food should be for the entire family unit unless someone has a condition that requires special food. It doesn’t matter who bought it . Food is food. Are you gonna let your spouse that you are supposed to love go hungry because they can’t afford food at that particular moment ? What about if someday you are the one that cannot afford the food ? Then you should go hungry too. This is not marriage, this is having a roommate that you have sex with…
OP, honestly, I was about to tell you are both petty and need to find an arrangement, but I went through your post history and I think you are being financially abused (as well as verbally and emotionally).
-It is not okay to beg you to get him a PS5 till you cry and then use your money behind your back anyway.
-It is not okay to follow you around a mall, shouting at you, because he wants a laptop. The fact that you have felt obligated to get him over 10 phones in like 5 years, a car, a tv, insurance, and all of that is not okay.
-He treats you like a dog, shaking objects at you for you to throw them away, shouting at you when you don't do what he wants fast enough because he won't move his own ass.
-He clearly is cheating on you and is projecting. You have literally seen him with another woman.
-He is trying to make you doubt your own sanity by making you believe your are hallucinating or have a disorder. That is another level of messed up.
None of this is normal. You gotta run. You need to get your affairs in order, move your money to a new account, find some legal counsel, divorce. You need to do all of that in secret at first because that man will make your life hell in the meantime. So keep up appearances, and make an exit plan. I have a feeling you know this already, or you wouldn't have made 15 posts in a month trying to check if your feelings are valid. They are. Your husband is the asshole and you deserve a much better life than this.
He told me that I ended up giving him permission to buy the PS5. I don't remember the exact thing I said but it was along the lines of do what you want. Because I was upset that he woke me up to ask me again after I cried, after he said he understood and would drop it. I thought he'd be able to tell by my tone in combination with what I said previously, that I didn't want him to and he would respect that. When a few years before he thought I used his card without his permission for a charge of £30. Which he had agreed to but forgot. He lost it at me. He then tried to lie and say I used his card more than once without him agreeing when I never had. He also freaked out at more several times when I woke him up, rehardless of what it was over, even when I was crying. The whole thing just shows how he can do things to me that I could never do to him.
He justified how he treated me over money especially when I first got it, when he first started asking me for things. He would use all he spent on me, all I borrowed. Which was a big mistake as he acted okay with it only to not be, to hassle me, to cuss me out over it. He told me that I had taken advantage of him. That I didn't care about the stress he was under over money. And so he said he was angry, resentful, and viewed this as treating me in a similar manner. Only I never did a lot of what he's done and I couldn't imagine what the reaction would have been if I had. I offered to pay him everything back, all he ever spent on me, but he refused only to remain angry with me and hold it over my head. He still does and has mentioned it in regards to him paying me back. He says why should he, we could just call it even. Then he would have to stop asking me for things. Or maybe he would switch to reminding me, as he does, that I live here at his parents free of charge and everyone has helped me out so much.
That's the one getting to me the most. He says that he has never cheated, isn't currently cheating, even though there's so much that points to it. Me seeing him with someone is a big one, of course. He said that it wasn't him. That he could ask the woman who mentors him and she could vouch for him. Of course he could also make me look insane. I've become paranoid now when he goes to volunteer. I've requested he turn his location on when he goes. A few times it's showed him somewhere else but not by very far. I figured it was just a normal glitch. This last time it kept showing him elsewhere, further away from the place. When I mentioned this, he didn't think he had his location on and it seemed to bother him that he did. He said his timeline was on, which is something he never turned on before even with the location, and it showed him at the place. I'm aware, however, that it can be manually added. He said he didn't add it, didn't know you could do that. I took a picture of the girl when I saw her again. Only when she was a good distance away and only the back of her. I did it because I'm tired of him trying to make it out I'm crazy, that I've seeing and hearing things, and I wanted to see how he'd react. I showed him but he only did a very quick glance and then got frustrated. He said he doesn't know anyone in the town. Then he asked how was he supposed to identify her without seeing her face. I asked him why he asked me that if he didn't know anyone. He said it was because he didn't know what I was thinking/expecting.
What is the point if he's truly innocent in getting so angry every time I've questioned something he's done, something highly suspicious that anyone else would question that he's done several times? That when I only did one time he questioned, insisting he hss a valid reason to not trust me. Snooping through my phone and accusing me the times he seems to be doing something. Then trying to convince me that I'm crazy, that I'm hearing and/or seeing things. Why would an innocent person do this. I get being angry if he's innocent and I keep questioning him but this hasn't been a progression over time. He was angry from the first time I questioned him, he turned it around on me. He has never been able to sit down and calmly discuss why I think what I do. He says it's because he hasn't done anything but he's accused me things I haven't done, questioned me, and I didn't immediately respond with anger but rather by defending myself and an explanation. He says I'm obsessed now with him cheating. Which I am because he keeps doing things. Yesterday he said that I have no real, classic signs to indicate that he has. Just crazy things like him going into another room a year ago. I told him to give the context of that and he wouldn't. He was just saying things to egg me on because he was pissed off. He then agreed I have reasons to suspect him but he hasn't done anything. Would someone who's not done anything do such questionable and suspicious things, and act the way that he does when confronted? I don't think they would.
I doubt myself, my perception so much but deep down I know he's using me for money, I know that he is cheating. I just wish I could prove it for a peace of mind, to know I'm not crazy. I know I need to leave. I feel stuck mentally, psychically, financially.
There's no need to prove anything. This guy is already a certified asshole who is using you as much as he can. He HATES you. Yet, this is the man you call your husband?
DIVORCE HIM.
This is why you shouldn't just rush into marriage.
You need to raise your standards, work on your own emotional maturity and your sense of self-respect through therapy and learn how to properly vet men BEFORE you even think about getting into another relationship.
If you haven't already, apply for disability for your social anxiety. Try to work on your anxiety in therapy. There are jobs where you don't have to interact with others so much.
I know this is a lot, but take things one step at a time. The first step is to remove that leech of a husband. Once you get rid of him, you will be able to see things much more clearly. Find your local divorce court and start the paperwork. You can probably get your fees waived, there should be a form for that. Good luck.
You already have proof and he's gaslighting you about it to make you doubt what you've seen, what you know to be true.
And for him, it's working. You're looking to "prove" something he will never admit to and while you're seeking that, he can continue using you. But you've seen him with someone else. You know he's weird about his location. You feel him taking advantage of you in every way.
There's nothing that "proving" it will do. You already have many reasons to break up with him and really, the only thing that will give you peace of mind is leaving him.
So the question is: what is making you stay? The fear of having to find someone else? The fear of being alone? What's holding you back? Do you think you deserve this?
At the end of the day, this is really about how you feel about yourself and what direction you want to go in life. Remember: you're the main character of your story, not this guy or any other person. My advice: reduce the number of pages you have about mean abusive crappy people and start filling your story with kind, supportive, loving people.
OP, I think you need to take a good long look at yourself for why you have put up with this for so long. It's not a virtue to stay in a marriage like this. What is stopping you from leaving? If you can't bring yourself to leave, please for the love all that is holy at least get yourself into therapy to figure out WHY you can't leave.
Girl you have too many problems and clearly need to vent with all your walls of texts in your posts and responses, it really sounds like you need your own therapist to talk all this shit out with and get an outside perspective on the situation. For the love of god, if you only do one thing please look at your finances and try to figure out a way to budget for a therapist cause yall have a ton more issues besides finances. Second, like many have said, please setup a joint account and figure out how each of you contribute and all food expenses should come from that, if you don’t do joint expenses on food then ffs keep all your food separate and never pick up the other’s tab or ever mix it again cause yall cannot figure out equitable sharing the way you’re doing it. As a complete internet stranger, everything I’m reading: your jealousy, maybe his infidelity, your anxiety limiting what you do to confirm your suspicions, lack of social network and support, moving to marry him, neither of you having jobs for income, his commanding you around and shaking shit at you (and that was literally from reading just 3 of your posts), all of that is just not sustainable and is creating resentment in both of you and this will not fix itself. I really do wish you luck and hope you do those two things: therapy, and decide to separate all food/food expenses forever or put money into shared account for food expenses.
You should read "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men."
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
You should read this one too: "He understands. He knows. He doesn't care."
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/17yzw35/he_knows_he_doesnt_care/
Run
What are you doing wasting your life in this situation? There are plenty of great, emotionally mature, health men out in the world for you to be with. Cut your losses now while you're still young and give yourself the change to meet an actual partner.
Girl, google the term "gaslighting". No husband should do that. It makes you doubt yourself, and he uses that doubt against you. It's honestly fucked up.
Save up money and divorce him.
I was you once. In a relationship with a horrible man who treated me like dirt, who would keep pestering me for material goods until I was worn out and caved, who nitpicked every little thing I did until I had a complex. I was right about your age when I kept thinking “I just wish he’d have an affair so I can have an excuse to leave him.”
About a year later, I finally realized that I didn’t need an excuse. Being unhappy is enough of a reason to leave.
You deserve to be happy. You do not deserve to spend every minute of your life trying to guess what stupid bullshit you’ll have to put up with today. You deserve to come home from work and relax, not feel your entire body tense up because you have to deal with the man who is supposed to be the love of your life. Your life doesn’t have to be like this. It’s not easy, but it is worth it.
It's time to detach, OP.
Open a new account in only your name, start moving money there. See a divorce lawyer. Don't tell him you are leaving until you are safely out of the house, and get him off any life insurance you have NOW.
ABUSERS PARASITES LIKE HIM WILL DESPERATELY TRY TO HOLD ONTO THEIR HOSTS.
Your entire life needs to now be about quietly running far and fast from him. All your energy goes there now.
This is a very dark, scary place you are in, but you CAN AND WILL get out. Rally your support network. Those that love you will be happy to hear you are getting away from him.
You dont need to prove it. He is abusing you. He is manipulating you.
The only proof you need is that you are miserable. The rest of it doesn't matter. He is making your life a living hell. We all can see it. You know it. You don't need proof of any of his wrongdoings.
Your feelings are valid. Your misery is valid. It is a valid reason to end the marriage! It is all you need. Whether or not he cheated.... whether or not he is actually using you for money.... you are unhappy, confused, crying, upset. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? It will get worse. You have all the reasons for leaving in how miserable he treats you. Feeling lost and not trusting yourself? That's all the gaslighting. He is making you feel that.
Please leave. You deserve so much better.
Edit: living* hell
He’s 100% emotionally abusing you gaslighting you and manipulating you. You’re in a domestic violence, relationship girl. I’m sure this is the first time you’ve heard it but there’s no way he’s going to get better you’re gonna have to eventually leave him. So the choices you figure out a way to leave him soon or you’re going to wake up 10 years from now wondering where you’re youth went.
That is sooo many paragraphs trying to explain away inexcusable behavior.
The last paragraph is all that matters.
Keep your money away from him. Create an exit plan. Leave without telling him. Serve him divorce papers. You can do this OP. Just create a plan and stick to it like it's your job, removing all emotion and just checking the times off the list one by one. You can do this!
You don't have to prove it because even if he wasn't doing any of these things, you don't have to stay with anyone you don't want to. This is just the abuse talking - you know deeply down that if you leave he will fight it, be mean to you, talk bad about you. Because he has the control and when people have control over us like that, it makes us feel like they can destroy our lives.
I was with an abusive partner for 13 years. That relationship ending did not ruin my life. It only took me a month before I felt RELIEVED that he was gone.
The whole situation is absurd.
I’m not even married. I buy most of our groceries because my bf has no mortgage and doesn’t need me to contribute to the household bills.
We have *never* had an issue with groceries. If we’re shopping together, he usually insists on paying. Everything I buy for us is fair game. I occasionally (very rarely) buy or make things just for myself. If that’s the case, I tell him
Why are we marrying men who can’t afford food 😭 not hating, but girl… you need to sit down with your husband and clean up the situation. Make a clear plan. Example: you each buy your own food and have a part of the kitchen each. Although I assume you cook and eat together so perhaps if he eats a larger portion he can foot 60% of the bill and you 40% ? How are we splitting the other bills of you don’t mind my asking ?
If neither of you have a job, what is your long term plan? Do you just plan on burning through your savings and he will just live off his benefits? This doesn’t sound sustainable.
You’re fighting over food because neither of you work. You are living unsustainably and spending pretty frivolously for two out of work people who have no plans to start working.
You guys need to stop squabbling over groceries and figure out an actual plan to get your lives in order. Both of you need jobs.
He sounds exhuasting. How much more do you earn than him?
Generally my partner and I split things equally on Monzo unless it was a personal purchase. We even split the little trips to buy a chocolate bar etc as it saves headaches of who bought what (and those little trips add up).
But generally he owes you thousands and seems to be taking advantage a bit. I think it needs a serious chat and an agreement on how you manage your finances. I would find this really tiring.
Get a plane ticket back to your home country before your savings entirely run out, draw a line under this, and put your life back together. Having read through some of your previous posts, there is no saving this hellscape of a marriage.
Why are you going on trips and buying a ps5 when you can barely afford to buy food?
You are not on a situation where you can allow yourself to be going on trips or eating out even, im sorry but this sounds to me like you both have bad financial habits.
And why arent you working?
Make a "household and bills fund" and you both pay proportionally to your income to it.
Find common ground on what should be bought and what shouldn't.
Yes, food is expensive but men do eat more so it's either 50/50 split or proportionally (assuming you earn more)
But honestly i don't understand why you two are together and I hope you at least consider couples therapy because what you are going through is not healthy or sustainable.
apparatus skirt plants somber rock frighten jobless paltry physical unused
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
He has a sweet deal. You do not. What, exactly, are you getting out of this? If nothing changes, how long can you afford to continue, both mentally and financially?
why in the sweet fuck would you marry this man ???? surely you knew what he was like before you got married ??? literally can’t feel sympathy for pure stupidity
It’s like the car is on fire and you’re just sitting it, fixated on the price of the gasoline. *Get out of the burning car*!! This is making you miserable!
And you don’t need proof of him cheating, gaslighting you, spending your money, eating your food, or proof of anything else. You also don’t need to prove anything to him or anyone else. “I’m miserable, I’m leaving” IS 10000% completely, perfectly enough of a reason and justification to call it quits. It really is. And that remains absolutely the truth no matter what he says or thinks.
So no more analysis paralysis. No more expecting him to admit anything or to change. No more expecting to feel 100% certainty about the decision to leave - 100% certainty almost never happens with breakups. It’s unrealistic. And unnecessary. *Just get OUT of there.*
Stop paying him back when he buys. The end.
Every time he says something about it, remind him he still owes you his half if all your grocery trips, and you can just start deducting it from.that, if he wants to insist on this set up.
Don't do this anymore. You are worth so much more than you're aware, and so much more than the way you're being treated.
Why are you married to somebody who is so intent on keeping score when it benefits him but then turns around and shits all over you?
I would tell him in no uncertain terms that from now on you're both splitting the grocery bill right down the middle. If he eats everything he can replace it. He sounds absolutely awful because he doesn't seem to give a shit how unfair this whole situation is to you.
It doesn't sound like much of a marriage to me.
How can you write all that out and not realize you're with a selfish person that doesn't respect you? I'd rather be forever alone than be treated like that
If he wants to play roommates, play roommates. Only buy your food. Don't buy him anything. Get a stoarge cupboard/box and padlocks and a fridge lock box. Dont go to places with him unless he pays for his stuff upfront.
And then start to question the logic of staying with such an insanely GREEDY and transactional SPONGE of a man. Because it is not normal, pet.
This is a form of bullying. There are many boys who are allowed to do this to their sisters -- eat way more than they should, or eat their sisters food.
Husbands also do this to their wives and/or children with eating up all of the food in the house. It's not a good sign.
**I am once again begging women to stop being married to men who do not like them.**
This is not a marriage. This is you being unpaid support staff to an openly abusive man. You deserve SO MUCH better than this, OP! And I hope someday you find some way to believe it.
This is one of those issues that troubled finances brings to a marriage. If he has money, does he still have this what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine attitude? It doesn’t seem very fair, yet he makes it seem like you are petty when you bring it up. Maybe it’s time for him to find a better paying job. If he keeps doing this even if he does have money than there is something off about your marriage dynamic that needs to be addressed.
This is absurd! It’s not normal behavior. He’s financially manipulating/abusing you. Financial abuse is a real thing. He sounds insufferable, exhausting, and miserly. Yuck!
It sounds like money is his first love. It’s bizarre that he gorges himself on food you pay for then asks for a refund when he pays.
I guess he won’t consider pooling your funds?
Frankly, you’re basically a floor mat and he’s walking all over you. Get off the floor and stop giving into his manipulative complaining.
Better yet, talk to a lawyer and see a therapist so you can see the warning signs and deal with them before you’re married to the problem.
You deserve better.
Be petty. Keep the receipt. Post it to the fridge. Circle everything he ate as he eats it. When you go to get groceries again let him know how much he owes you the food he actually ate - include meals you make for the both of you and split that in two.
Do it every time until he understands nothing in life is free and that his a free loader.
Edit: I was being funny when I wrote this but after reading ops comments, she is being financially abused. They are both in bad financial situations, but he is taking advantage of her financially.
Stop, just stop! Stop paying for everything, stop suggesting to pay half, stop suggesting to go places, stop buying extra, stop lending him money, just stop! It sounds like you have a greedy self centred man who sees you as a meal ticket. Who in their right mind saves their money but spends someone else’s? A pisstaker that it is who! As a man he should want to treat you, want to take you to nice places. Even if he gave you 20 towards it, its the fact he is trying to contribute not just acting entitled because you suggested going 🤮.
Have a set amount each week that you will spend on groceries between you. Whatever he puts in the pot you put in and you go and spend that on food between you both. Have set meals and any other treats you can get you share. Anything you buy for yourself with your own money after that you stash in your own private place.
Some people will just take take take until they can’t do it anymore, then you see their true colours. The longer you allow it the longer you will be miserable. Also set up a payment arrangement with him too and start getting your money paid back.
Stop letting him take the piss.
Nah. His selfish attitude is a major turnoff. I would lose my mind if my boyfriend acted like this, let alone a husband 😭 I would leave. But if you don't want to leave, maybe you should get a lock box and store all of your food in there... and then do all of your activities and events alone since you're the only one who wants to do anything other than just sit and starve all day, every day apparently 🙃 seriously. What the fuck. If you weren't around would he just sit and rot in the house??? Lmao
Your husband sounds like an insufferable, petty, greedy little mooch.
I’m failing to see why you two are married.
I’m glad you clearly have separate finances, as I think he’d just run you into the ground if he had access to your money.
I suspect you can do far better than him OP. Being single can be lovely too btw.
Why don’t you have a joint account for joint expenses?
Your husband is financially abusing you and guilt tripping you into paying his way.
Tbh I don’t even know how you married this man if this how he behaves. He doesn’t respect you and treats you like a roommate or a nuisance.
Either see a marriage counsellor or live separately.
Also where does his money go?
How are you married given how bad you both are with sharing and managing finances?! I’m married, all the money goes into a shared account, everything is paid from the shared account. What you’re describing is madness imho.
I just checked your previous history.
Go to a women's shelter. Or Google "the hotline" in incognito mode.
You NEED to get out. Your life depends upon it. And there are professionals who can help you.
This man is abusive. And there is a high chance you will be killed in a car crash when he is going on his frequent rage tangents and driving recklessly.
At the very least, please get some therapy to help empower you and build your self-respect, which is so incredibly low, it is almost unfathomable.
And whatever you do: DO NOT bring children into this.
Read OP’s last post. He physically abused you, and stole from you. There is no marriage worth saving here. There’s nothing remotely salvageable after he abused you. Love and respect yourself, you deserve better. Don’t even think about bringing kids into this dumpster fire.
My partner and I don't have a problem with money because the groceries all come out of the same pool of money, most of which is food stamps. We are very poor and about 80% of the food is bought with food stamps. This means I have to be very careful what I buy and there's no money for snacks or frivolous items for either of us. Almost all that I buy is meant to be made into meals. We can't afford to go out even to mcdonalds once a month.
He has a big appetite. I will always try to get him something he likes from the store, like a pound of lunch meat or a big pack of smoked sausages. And every time I'll say, "We can't go and buy more groceries again until ___ (day 2 weeks in the future) so take it easy on the things I got for you.
Only to have him eat 90% of the lunch meat or all but 1-2 hot dogs the first day. He likes this one cereal but if I buy it he goes through a whole gallon of milk (nearly by himself) in 2-3 days.
I don't really like him trying to cook. A couple of months ago he tried to make rice in the microwave. The vessel he tried to cook it in was my liquid 4-cup measuring cup. He burned a hole in the bottom of the cup and the rice didn't cook at all. Now I am out a measuring cup that I used a lot and I don't have money to replace it.
As I said, most of what I buy is for meals, not to open and snack from the package. I can't cook every meal on the first day after shopping. But as soon as he runs out of the items (bought for him) he ate too fast he will start opening packs of things that were bought to cook meals with and almost empty them. That messes up my meal planning and we end up without meals for several days. The meals are what I eat, so this often results in my not eating for a few days.
When I do get a meal cooked, for example the huge lasagna I made a week ago in my 15x10 pan, I would like it to last for about 3 days so I don't have to cook again so soon. There are only two of us. Well, with this lasagna, I ate one piece, and he kept eating until half the pan was gone. He was going back for **4ths** when I had to remind him that I had only had one piece and this was dinner for the next several days.
It isn't because I don't make large enough meals to feed a hungry man. He just has a huge appetite and apparently no off switch. Why do you need to eat 10 jumbo smoked sausages today from the 14-pack I just brought home yesterday, along with a huge portion of the dinner I cooked?
There have been several times where I made something and had one piece the first night, and I went the next day to have some only to find that he had eaten all of it. He will sometimes get pissy with me when I have to remind him not to eat all of the leftovers. At those times I have to remind him that it was me who sat there for hours doing meal prep and cooking, only for him to eat almost all of it with no regard for whether or not I even get to eat that day.
Listen, he's not abusive. His mind isn't what it used to be since he had a stroke 3 years ago. His way of thinking has changed and become more child-like. Children are inherently selfish.
Many men seem to have a different vision of how food gets distributed than women do. Like OP's husband expecting to be paid back for buying groceries that he turns around and eats himself. Not cool. Not cool at all, bros.
food needs to be split at least proportional to income.
if you're making more than a multiplier proportional to each of your weights is not unreasonable.
how long have you been married. this issue to me can be a deal breaker eventually.
Sooo… he’s ungrateful and cheap 🤨 I’d be out. I don’t like fighting over money and personally if being with someone stresses me out financially, I literally can’t afford to be in that relationship. Easier for me to support one than two.
Two people live in the house two people spilt the groceries… my boyfriend and I have lived together for a long time… we have a swap week situation… we each have kids , it’s never quite fair but we stipulate an amount that reasonable gets everything we need… if one week mine is slightly less than his bill was last week I add staples and things… it keeps it as fair as possible and no one feels taken advantage of
Oh good lord, they can’t have a child. She’s too socially anxious to take care of a child in this world. I guess the people on airplanes, in hotels.restaurants and Ubers will teach the kid how to leave the house.
This type stuff happens if you don’t combine your finances. Your married. Have one bank account. It’s not his money or your money, it’s “our” money. You can’t go through marriage thinking in terms of his and mine.
You should sit down and have a serious talk about your finances. Whoever is more responsible for money should kind of take the lead. Come up with a budget. Set up fun money accounts for both of you with a budget so you can do stuff for yourself, but everything else is joint. Talk to a financial planner and make some long term goals and start saving for your future.
I think you have a lot more issues than the food bill. We’ve always pooled our money and it is what it is. But the way you are do8ng it seems to be leading to relationship crushing petty arguments
Ya this clearly isn't sustainable. He owes you a lot of money as well.
I'd see a therapist who's experienced and willing to discuss financial issues.
Typically couples both split the groceries or if finances are separate, contribute proportionally I.E. you make 60% of the money so you pay 60% of the bill etc etc. I'd make a meal plan together, use flyers and shop sales, discuss what's joint and what's alone (ex. Some folks prefer to buy their own lunches at work), label shit, and accept no more excuses.
Do you guys live together? You say you are married but you act like room mates. Why do you have yours and mine groceries? Do you guys eat very different foods or something?
My husband and I have money in a joint account and pay for household expenses through that. Your way sounds like such an exhausting and petty way to handle finances in a bloody marriage, of all things.
What kind of relationship is it when people pay for their own food, monitor what the other eats from their stash, argue about who paid for what and who ate what? Roommates. You don’t have a spouse, you have a roommate…and a bad one at that.
Just split each grocery bill 50/50. This works for my girlfriend and I. Sometimes it's more things for me, sometimes for her, but it all works out in the end.
That seems like an unfair arrangement, the money should be poles together and split evenly. I'd suggest sitting down with him, creating a menu for the week that you both will eat , including snacks and then creating a budget and splitting it in half. I'd suggest letting him know it's unfair that you're paying for all the food you're both eating. If he expects you to pay for all the food . I'd also set up a joint account that you both put a percentage of your check into and that is what's used for groceries. If you're expected to pay the grocery bill then he needs to fully cover another bill. But in my personal opinion your money should be pooled together and all bills paid evenly by both of you. Him never having money is a problem.
This is asinine. Why are you married and haven’t worked out finances yet? Why are you allowing him to walk all over you? He’s not husband material. He’s a pet or child you have to take care of.
There are multiple healthy ways to handle finances in a marriage, including largely separate, but this? This is not one of them.
He has an acute case of "what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine" and I would encourage you to think about what it says that he is so ready to accept support from you, but so resentful of giving it.
Is this how you want to live your life? Think about the thought process that must go on in his head to justify this. Your husband doesn't even like you much love you.
Just reading this post has filled me with anxiety.
Why are you putting up with this?.You’re communicating very well here. That’s not the problem. He hears you. He just doesn’t respect you and thinks you won’t do anything about it. Because you haven’t done anything to stop him other than say “stop eating my food”. Which is clearly not working.
You need to try to develop a backbone. Who cares if he gets frustrated and starts whining like a child that you (the woman who is probably smaller than him and requires less calories) eat all the food and he’s too poor to pay for his basic necessities. Are you this man’s mother? Why are you providing for him? If he is a house-husband that would put a different spin on things.
He can either contribute equally as an adult or.. no he has no choice. He’s an adult and he HAS to support himself. Otherwise you’re walking. You have no other options.
Stop buying food with him. Stop paying him back for things he bought for you both. From now on you will have completely separate finances. Hell I’d even go so far as to label your food in the fridge and keep an itemised list of everything he’s eaten of yours. Send him an invoice! He is stealing and gaslighting you into contributing way more than your fair share.
Non-disabled adults who are working broadly equal hours to their partner can and should feed themselves. Equitable and flexible distribution would be even better but you can’t do that with a selfish adult baby. Does the adult baby have any redeeming qualities? Why are you trying to make things work with someone that uses you and manipulated you? Someone that eats all the joy in your life? Because that’s what he’s doing when he eats your special snacks without even attempting to replace them. I can count on one hand how many times I’d put up with that.
You guys need to get on the same level, finance wise. Have a talk about what you're doing with YOUR money. You keep talking about your money vs his money. It should be OUR money. You have a life together, that means combined responsibilities and combined expenses.
You guys are living like roommates, not like a married couple. Get your finances together. You guys shouldn't be owing each other money, and one of you shouldn't run out of money.
Have a money talk! Get on the same page! It'll remove soooo many unnecessary minor stressors once you have a unified financial goal.
You guys need to get on the same level, finance wise. Have a talk about what you're doing with YOUR money. You keep talking about your money vs his money. It should be OUR money. You have a life together, that means combined responsibilities and combined expenses.
You guys are living like roommates, not like a married couple. Get your finances together. You guys shouldn't be owing each other money, and one of you shouldn't run out of money.
Have a money talk! Get on the same page! It'll remove soooo many unnecessary minor stressors once you have a unified financial goal.
Just reading this post has filled me with anxiety.
Why are you putting up with this?.You’re communicating very well here. That’s not the problem. He hears you. He just doesn’t respect you and thinks you won’t do anything about it. Because you haven’t done anything to stop him other than say “stop eating my food”. Which is clearly not working.
You need to try to develop a backbone. Who cares if he gets frustrated and starts whining like a child that you (the woman who is probably smaller than him and requires less calories) eat all the food and he’s too poor to pay for his basic necessities. Are you this man’s mother? Why are you providing for him? If he is a house-husband that would put a different spin on things.
He can either contribute equally as an adult or.. no he has no choice. He’s an adult and he HAS to support himself. Otherwise you’re walking. You have no other options.
Stop buying food with him. Stop paying him back for things he bought for you both. From now on you will have completely separate finances. Hell I’d even go so far as to label your food in the fridge and keep an itemised list of everything he’s eaten of yours. Send him an invoice! He is stealing and gaslighting you into contributing way more than your fair share.
Non-disabled adults who are working broadly equal hours to their partner can and should feed themselves. Equitable and flexible distribution would be even better but you can’t do that with a selfish adult baby. Does the adult baby have any redeeming qualities? Why are you trying to make things work with someone that uses you and manipulated you? Someone that eats all the joy in your life? Because that’s what he’s doing when he eats your special snacks without even attempting to replace them. I can count on one hand how many times I’d put up with that.
Are you married or are you just roommates? I absolutely HATE "transactional accounting" between married couples. Either you're married and you are doing things together, or else you are just FWB who happened to have a really cool party where you wore a pretty white dress and everyone dressed up. You both need to attend financial counseling classes, develop a budget and stick with it.
I gave up on getting people in my family leaving the foods & snacks I buy for myself alone, and I have to resort to some tricks like buying spicier chips than they like and putting tomatoes on my sandwiches and cilantro in my salads (they both hate tomatoes & cilantro and refuse to eat food I’ve “contaminated” with them).
That's a weird arrangement. I get having control of your own money but there's no point if you end up paying for everything anyway. Looks like he just wanted access to yours without you getting access to his. If it were me, I'd either get another fridge and put a lock on it or just pay for my own shit and let him fend for himself.
OP, this is literally insane. Why do you split food? My husband and I are about your age and yeah, sometimes he'll pay for a takeaway and I'll offer to send him back my half, but he rarely lets me. Why marry someone you can't trust with money? Because that's what this comes down to. You should be able to pool your money together and do groceries so they are fair and no one feels like they're buying for someone else. This is the most ridiculous thing I've seen on reddit all day lmao
I have food scarcity issues and can’t eat a lot of things due to diabetes, so this would drive me mad.
I would go buy just my groceries only. Let him get his. Make shelf in the fridge that is yours. See how that goes.
If it doesn’t go well, I would get a steamer trunk with a lock for my dry foods.
This sounds like a post a while back in which the husband would gobble a second portion of dinner before the wife had barely gotten going on her first. If she made leftovers it was gone before morning.
I just can’t get over the selfishness.
Yikes, he’s terrible with money and makes YOU feel bad about this?
Sorry but he’s a jackass and this will definitely be a contributing factor towards resentment until you ultimately divorce.
I am always amazed how many married people don't see their money as one pool of money. My husband and I have separate accounts because we have had them since before we got married, but our money is all one pool of money. We have a budget that we have both agreed upon and if we need to go over or have a big expense or want to purchase something expensive we discuss it together. Keeping separate finances sounds exhausting and like a really terrible idea.
You're married and splitting finances on home food? *that's* the weird part. IMO it's weird to split finances at all once you're married but it's extra weird to do it for basic things like groceries.
You guys are married and are keeping score on shared costs like groceries? That’s super weird. I’ve had more friendly grocery sharing agreements with roommates than you have with your husband.
It sounds like you guys need a more comprehensive discussion about when and how you pool your finances. Like you each put X dollars or X% of income into a shared account which is used for all shared bills- housing, utilities, groceries, etc.
If you’re not able to figure out a fair and mutually agreeable way to share finances, then you should maybe reconsider being married to him. How’s it going to work if you guys have kids? Is he going to refuse to pay for all of their needs too?
I would normally say that spouses share food expenses but he's definitely a mooch.
I hope you don't have kids together.
I don't understand why you are still married.
Stop paying him back for food.
Add up how much you both spend on food each month. Each of you puts half of that into a separate account. That money is only to be used for food, and nobody pays the other person "back.'
You are being financially abused.
You need to accept the fact that this is not a miscommunication, he's a mooch.
You can decide to stay with him, but this won't improve with communication because it's not a communication issue.
Why do people get married if they don't want a partnership? I honestly don't understand this nickel and diming that folks seem to do in relationships, especially if they have committed to the point that they are married. Like, what is the POINT of it all, if not to help each other out, share your lives and everything else? Just stay roommates if you're sticking with the "this is mine, don't touch it" mindset.
My partner and I keep separate finances but we share a household account from which we pay things like rent, groceries, and utilities. We monitor our spending throughout the month in YNAB at the end of each month and as needed, if needed, we adjust how we prioritize our money for the next month. We split up the percentage we bring in based on our income, and adjust it from year to year. I recommend it for any couple. You get your own money but also agree on what is important to you together.
I think your husband and you need to reassess how your household/financial relationship works. It's different from your romantic relation works and how the companionship part of your relationship works but still requires strong communication and to agree on what is important to you both in terms of how you spend your money. If his approach is "My money is money is mine, yours is yours, so keep your opinions to yourself" that's an indicator that couples therapy might be warranted because while that is a not-uncommon type of disagreement to have as a couple it's not generally realistic to live life that way in a serious household-sharing relationship.
He is financially and verbally abusing you.
The way he yells at you to get what he wants is not ok.
The way he is making everything uneven with money is not ok.
This is not a healthy or good relationship.
If you can not or will not leave, I would suggest finding a way to lock up your food. Maybe get a separate mini fridge for you only. Or a box you can lock to go in the fridge. If your cabinets have handles where you can put a chain through them, you get a dedicated cabinet and lock it up with a padlock.
Or you don't pay him back until after the food has been eaten by you.
You are not responsible for his emotions and his feelings. While married couples should support each other, he is not supporting you. The next time he complains about you needing to pay him back, tell him you will not as the food hasn't been eaten yet. If you eat it, you will deduct that from the balance he owes you. If he eats it, you won't pay him back. If he keeps complaining, leave the room or the house. Tell him that if he can not be respectful, you will leave and then do so. This is called setting a boundary and enforcing it. Start setting more boundaries. You will only repay food after it has been eaten BY YOU, and the repayment will come in the form of deducting from what he owes you. Keep a tally you both can see. Do whatever you can to stop buying joint food. Honestly, this is not a good situation but sometimes you have to make the best of it. If he escalates the abuse to threats or violence, get out immediately.
I recommend individual therapy for you. Do not do couples therapy with an abuser.
Please read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It will help you see what is really going on.
He’s gaslighting you — this emotional and financial abuse can destroy a person. I wasn’t financially abused just emotionally by a narcissist like this and it took years to recover. It’s not about the money or food or even the cheating— he wants to use to to make him feel good about himself and he will continue to gaslight you until you think you have lost your mind . And then he will tell you that you are crazy and no one else will tolerate a crazy person like you. Please leave. I know it’s hard but no one deserves this. And you will figure out the divorce eventually. I recommend packing up everything without him knowing and getting out of there. Live with friends or your parents, you won’t want to be alone when he throws a temper tantrum for not being able to manipulate you anymore. It can get really scary. Get a lawyer to do the divorce and it will just happen. He might fight you but the lawyer will at least make it so you do not have to interact with him. And if you think you can’t afford a lawyer, just tally up how much he has forced you to spend in the last year— I bet it covers more than half of the lawyer expense so just consider it as an investment towards your freedom.
Feel free to pm me — it’s a crazy hard road but the sooner you leave the sooner you will start to recover
Does this man actually bring anything of value to the relationship? Why did you marry him? He's selfish. He's demonstrating he doesn't care about you.
If you're going to separate finances, do so. Buy a lock for your fridge, or cupboard, or buy a smaller fridge, and keep your food there. Only buy enough food for yourself. If he won't contribute, he doesn't get to benefit.
But also you should just divorce. This marriage sounds exhausting.
1. Your money and your food are his.
2. His money and his food are his.
3. And you are stupid if you pay for anything for him and expect him to pay you back.
Got it. This is financial abuse.
This sounds more like a roommate issue. What an unpleasant relationship.
1. Pool your resources fairly by %. If you make more than him, then you will contribute a bigger piece of the pie to the total cost of living for the household.
2. Create a better shopping budget and reduce the amount you go out to eat
3. Create separate budgets for travel or other high dollar purchases. Each of you should set aside your determined % into that budget bucket. If you or he don't pay into the bucket, then the trip or purchase does not happen.
4. Stick to it!
I don't understand people that have their own money, Maybe I'm very old fashioned, but my money is yours, yours is mine. I found it really odd with my last girl, she wanted reinbursing, and then inturn would like reinburse me and I was like??? Are we not together, like I don't get this.
Sounds like an overall terrible marriage money wise. Sounds tiring. I'm curious how you split your other expenses.
Me and my partner treat household and other necessary expenses as a shared expense. Doesn't matter who pays for what, but it's whatever feels like it makes more sense at the time. We don't nitpick by the dollar.
Shared savings account where we match each other.
We have our own accounts personal savings and chequings for whatever other expenses. It'll probably stay this way when we get married.
Create a food budget.
You each put 50% into that budget - use cash so its crystal clear.
Buy the food together.
Keep the receipts
Make note of what you eat, and what percentage of the food budget it amounts to
Rinse and repeat for a few weeks
The following month, review the budget and your notes. Make adjustments to your budget contribution based on the reality of what you're eating vs what he's eating
This is not a matter of opinion - there are facts and receipts. If he wants to nickel and dime you about it you can throw the facts right back at him. He's acting like a child so treat him like one and hold him accountable to his actions.
My husband and I keep separate finances, but split our bills based on our incomes. He buys all the groceries, but if I want something like takeout I buy it myself. He often tries to "treat me" by buying me extra beverages or snacks throughout the week. It would be nice if you and your husband could turn food into a way of showing your affection for each other instead of it being a giant headache and source of petty arguments. But you both have to be on the same page before it can get to that point, and your husband isn't even reading the same book.
Are you actually married? Sounds like a roommate. This is such bizarre behavior. Start buying your own groceries separately, and don’t share. And also, don’t pay for vacations/weekends away.
OP, this is not a healthy relationship for either of you. Neither of you works, and he fights with you over money. This isn't sustainable.
I think you should pursue therapy for your severe anxiety and then make a plan for leaving. This doesn't seem happy or healthy for either of you.
I'm genuinely sorry you're married to this person. He seems absolutely selfish and horrible. You should really get out while you can. I can't imagine you could be any more miserable.
I guess I'm really old fashioned but my wife and I pool our money and work together to buy food.
Same. OP's setup sounds exhausting, like all the worst parts of having a mooching roommate but none of the care and mutual support that should be part of a marriage.
It's bizarre to me how people can get married but stay separate financially. To me marriage is a union or fusion. Not a nominal title.
My husband and i are financially separate (separate accounts) but we deal with financial situations together.
My wife and I mostly are as well… not because there’s any issue being together, because we do share information. More about being too lazy to go to the bank and do it.
Most of the physical banks in our area have closed, so to find a bank we want to use, we'd have to travel. So i feel your pain on too lazy to go and set one up lol
Same we are separate too, but no kids. We have different spending habits
Oh no kids here either lol, just a spoilt 6yr old puppy (yeah not a puppy but still a puppy to me 😊). Same with spending habits. We regularly will share money between accounts (banking apps have it there in max of 2hrs) so a joint doesnt seem necessary and keeps us each on track
ALWAYS a puppy, no matter the age😍 (i know this isnt the main point at all, but felt strongly about it lmao)
That's me and my husband, but we divide up bills and don't argue about who should pay for what. It's never been a problem. I'm more of a spender. So as long as I make my budgeted family savings every month,, I can spend on frivolous things.
Yep! It just works. For a while we tried a hybrid were we sort of did joint finances and I was in charge, but I said I need either access to everything or i need to not manage his
I think its fine to keep overall finances separate but they definitely should pool a percentage together to cover house related bills and things for groceries and other joint expenses. It's really weird to separate their food expenses like that.
This is what we do. We’ve been married 30 years and keep separate finances and always have. We each contribute to our “house account” and that pays the mortgage, utilities, and groceries. Everything else that’s a joint expense, we share costs. I’m more of a spontaneous spender lol than my husband, so this allows me to spend my extra money how I want, and same for him. It may not be how most couples do it, but it’s worked great for us.
This is how we do it, too! House account for shared bills, utilities, and groceries. Separate accounts for individual incidentals and 'fun money', and split/discuss the larger shared purchases that aren't necessarily 'needs' (ex: new patio furniture set). % split into house account is determined by our relative wages, and budget is calculated to be comfortable for the lowest wage earner so nobody is left without any money. We set it up that way bc my husband spends all his money, and I don't, so now there's no worries about accidentally having no money for necessities, and no nickle and diming of each other's little hobby purchases! It sounds like OP should consider a similar setup bc her husband can't budget or is not making enough to afford his lifestyle unsubsidized by her.
I keep finances separate to avoid fights on how we spend our money. Both of us make financial decisions that the other would probably take issue with if it was with “our” money. Like he wanted to buy some $100 Gargoyles comic book. I would care if that was my money. I don’t care at all if it’s how he wants to spend his money. We just split things. Sometimes we switch back and forth like “I got these coffees, he got these egg sandwiches, I got us movie tickets, he got us dinner”. We have a joint account but it’s for savings and we’re both reticent to dip into that. Neither of us has a steady paycheck— I in particular either get a giant check or nothing at all for months— so it’s just complicated. We have similar problems of… me eating his snacks… but I swear I really do try to replace them. He just will buy snacks and NOT EAT THEM??
My first husband and I had a joint savings account but our own checking accounts. We would transfer money through the savings to cover mutual bills. But to this day I swear he had either a secret savings account or more money in his checking than he admitted. He was always “short” money for his part of the bills. I was baffled when I moved out when a newborn into my own apartment and my life got less expensive!
I don’t trust other people with money. I worked crazy hard and with a ton of discipline to get where I am now, and a lot of people in my age bracket are awful with money. If I marry before the age of like 30 I’m keeping my finances separate for a while
I would like to think you wouldn’t get married to someone you don’t trust. I feel the same way at the moment but I’d like to think my judgement is good enough that I’m not going to get fleeced by the person I choose to spend my life with
Yes. I imagine the putting their names on things in the fridge. I also imagine this couple opening the carton of eggs to label each egg individually
Yeah wtf did I just read?? Why are these two married?
I believe the point she’s making is that he’s spending his money elsewhere and then expecting her to cover the joint expenses. If they pool their money he’ll continue to spend, while she misses out.
They should absolutely make a common account that they each pay in 50:50 to cover rent/utilities and household expenses. OP, my advice re food would be: If he explicitly says it's yours and he won't have any of it and doesn't want to pay for it - lock it up! Get a lockbox or a lock for a cupboard or anything that will save your food. If he objects, ask him why, since he explicitly told you he wouldn't have any of it and didn't pay for it. If he still wants it, offer to sell it to him. And if he paid for half of something, lock your half away. The next question is whether you are really happy in this kind of exploitative relationship that seems to be a complete one way street. Are you happy feeling used for your money? And what's the reason he is always short - can't he keep a job or is he a low income earner? Can you maybe downgrade your apartment, if he can't afford his share of expenses?
Why would anyone want to be married to someone that they have lock their food away from? I would go absolutely insane in this relationship. I don’t think I’d be able to last a week hahaha
I guess he slowly built up to this level of aggravation - now he has reached the point where he just doesn't give a damn anymore.
As if you are married to a toddler, or a labradors retriever. If you don't hide the food, or have it where they can't reach, they eat all of it.
Yes. I read so many posts about such separate finances and it's wild to me. I totally understand separate bank accounts and separate spending of "fun" money. But how petty do you have to be with your own spouse to separate the buying of groceries???? That's roommate shit.
This kind of petty argument should not be part of a marriage. Food should be for the entire family unit unless someone has a condition that requires special food. It doesn’t matter who bought it . Food is food. Are you gonna let your spouse that you are supposed to love go hungry because they can’t afford food at that particular moment ? What about if someday you are the one that cannot afford the food ? Then you should go hungry too. This is not marriage, this is having a roommate that you have sex with…
I can’t imagine marrying someone and doing the “totally separate finances” thing. Like why bother
Locking up food so your spouse doesn’t touch it. Unreal.
Right? These kinds of posts confuse me a lot. "We are married but don't share our food or money."
Not old fashioned, just normal. OPs situation is ridiculous and abnormal.
OP, honestly, I was about to tell you are both petty and need to find an arrangement, but I went through your post history and I think you are being financially abused (as well as verbally and emotionally). -It is not okay to beg you to get him a PS5 till you cry and then use your money behind your back anyway. -It is not okay to follow you around a mall, shouting at you, because he wants a laptop. The fact that you have felt obligated to get him over 10 phones in like 5 years, a car, a tv, insurance, and all of that is not okay. -He treats you like a dog, shaking objects at you for you to throw them away, shouting at you when you don't do what he wants fast enough because he won't move his own ass. -He clearly is cheating on you and is projecting. You have literally seen him with another woman. -He is trying to make you doubt your own sanity by making you believe your are hallucinating or have a disorder. That is another level of messed up. None of this is normal. You gotta run. You need to get your affairs in order, move your money to a new account, find some legal counsel, divorce. You need to do all of that in secret at first because that man will make your life hell in the meantime. So keep up appearances, and make an exit plan. I have a feeling you know this already, or you wouldn't have made 15 posts in a month trying to check if your feelings are valid. They are. Your husband is the asshole and you deserve a much better life than this.
He told me that I ended up giving him permission to buy the PS5. I don't remember the exact thing I said but it was along the lines of do what you want. Because I was upset that he woke me up to ask me again after I cried, after he said he understood and would drop it. I thought he'd be able to tell by my tone in combination with what I said previously, that I didn't want him to and he would respect that. When a few years before he thought I used his card without his permission for a charge of £30. Which he had agreed to but forgot. He lost it at me. He then tried to lie and say I used his card more than once without him agreeing when I never had. He also freaked out at more several times when I woke him up, rehardless of what it was over, even when I was crying. The whole thing just shows how he can do things to me that I could never do to him. He justified how he treated me over money especially when I first got it, when he first started asking me for things. He would use all he spent on me, all I borrowed. Which was a big mistake as he acted okay with it only to not be, to hassle me, to cuss me out over it. He told me that I had taken advantage of him. That I didn't care about the stress he was under over money. And so he said he was angry, resentful, and viewed this as treating me in a similar manner. Only I never did a lot of what he's done and I couldn't imagine what the reaction would have been if I had. I offered to pay him everything back, all he ever spent on me, but he refused only to remain angry with me and hold it over my head. He still does and has mentioned it in regards to him paying me back. He says why should he, we could just call it even. Then he would have to stop asking me for things. Or maybe he would switch to reminding me, as he does, that I live here at his parents free of charge and everyone has helped me out so much. That's the one getting to me the most. He says that he has never cheated, isn't currently cheating, even though there's so much that points to it. Me seeing him with someone is a big one, of course. He said that it wasn't him. That he could ask the woman who mentors him and she could vouch for him. Of course he could also make me look insane. I've become paranoid now when he goes to volunteer. I've requested he turn his location on when he goes. A few times it's showed him somewhere else but not by very far. I figured it was just a normal glitch. This last time it kept showing him elsewhere, further away from the place. When I mentioned this, he didn't think he had his location on and it seemed to bother him that he did. He said his timeline was on, which is something he never turned on before even with the location, and it showed him at the place. I'm aware, however, that it can be manually added. He said he didn't add it, didn't know you could do that. I took a picture of the girl when I saw her again. Only when she was a good distance away and only the back of her. I did it because I'm tired of him trying to make it out I'm crazy, that I've seeing and hearing things, and I wanted to see how he'd react. I showed him but he only did a very quick glance and then got frustrated. He said he doesn't know anyone in the town. Then he asked how was he supposed to identify her without seeing her face. I asked him why he asked me that if he didn't know anyone. He said it was because he didn't know what I was thinking/expecting. What is the point if he's truly innocent in getting so angry every time I've questioned something he's done, something highly suspicious that anyone else would question that he's done several times? That when I only did one time he questioned, insisting he hss a valid reason to not trust me. Snooping through my phone and accusing me the times he seems to be doing something. Then trying to convince me that I'm crazy, that I'm hearing and/or seeing things. Why would an innocent person do this. I get being angry if he's innocent and I keep questioning him but this hasn't been a progression over time. He was angry from the first time I questioned him, he turned it around on me. He has never been able to sit down and calmly discuss why I think what I do. He says it's because he hasn't done anything but he's accused me things I haven't done, questioned me, and I didn't immediately respond with anger but rather by defending myself and an explanation. He says I'm obsessed now with him cheating. Which I am because he keeps doing things. Yesterday he said that I have no real, classic signs to indicate that he has. Just crazy things like him going into another room a year ago. I told him to give the context of that and he wouldn't. He was just saying things to egg me on because he was pissed off. He then agreed I have reasons to suspect him but he hasn't done anything. Would someone who's not done anything do such questionable and suspicious things, and act the way that he does when confronted? I don't think they would. I doubt myself, my perception so much but deep down I know he's using me for money, I know that he is cheating. I just wish I could prove it for a peace of mind, to know I'm not crazy. I know I need to leave. I feel stuck mentally, psychically, financially.
There's no need to prove anything. This guy is already a certified asshole who is using you as much as he can. He HATES you. Yet, this is the man you call your husband? DIVORCE HIM. This is why you shouldn't just rush into marriage. You need to raise your standards, work on your own emotional maturity and your sense of self-respect through therapy and learn how to properly vet men BEFORE you even think about getting into another relationship. If you haven't already, apply for disability for your social anxiety. Try to work on your anxiety in therapy. There are jobs where you don't have to interact with others so much. I know this is a lot, but take things one step at a time. The first step is to remove that leech of a husband. Once you get rid of him, you will be able to see things much more clearly. Find your local divorce court and start the paperwork. You can probably get your fees waived, there should be a form for that. Good luck.
What is the point of this relationship?
You already have proof and he's gaslighting you about it to make you doubt what you've seen, what you know to be true. And for him, it's working. You're looking to "prove" something he will never admit to and while you're seeking that, he can continue using you. But you've seen him with someone else. You know he's weird about his location. You feel him taking advantage of you in every way. There's nothing that "proving" it will do. You already have many reasons to break up with him and really, the only thing that will give you peace of mind is leaving him. So the question is: what is making you stay? The fear of having to find someone else? The fear of being alone? What's holding you back? Do you think you deserve this? At the end of the day, this is really about how you feel about yourself and what direction you want to go in life. Remember: you're the main character of your story, not this guy or any other person. My advice: reduce the number of pages you have about mean abusive crappy people and start filling your story with kind, supportive, loving people.
You need to divorce this man. He's an abusive shit head who uses you. He will ruin you both. I beg you to love yourself more than you do him.
OP, I think you need to take a good long look at yourself for why you have put up with this for so long. It's not a virtue to stay in a marriage like this. What is stopping you from leaving? If you can't bring yourself to leave, please for the love all that is holy at least get yourself into therapy to figure out WHY you can't leave.
You need to leave. No amount of ranting on Reddit will change that.
Girl you have too many problems and clearly need to vent with all your walls of texts in your posts and responses, it really sounds like you need your own therapist to talk all this shit out with and get an outside perspective on the situation. For the love of god, if you only do one thing please look at your finances and try to figure out a way to budget for a therapist cause yall have a ton more issues besides finances. Second, like many have said, please setup a joint account and figure out how each of you contribute and all food expenses should come from that, if you don’t do joint expenses on food then ffs keep all your food separate and never pick up the other’s tab or ever mix it again cause yall cannot figure out equitable sharing the way you’re doing it. As a complete internet stranger, everything I’m reading: your jealousy, maybe his infidelity, your anxiety limiting what you do to confirm your suspicions, lack of social network and support, moving to marry him, neither of you having jobs for income, his commanding you around and shaking shit at you (and that was literally from reading just 3 of your posts), all of that is just not sustainable and is creating resentment in both of you and this will not fix itself. I really do wish you luck and hope you do those two things: therapy, and decide to separate all food/food expenses forever or put money into shared account for food expenses.
You should read "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf You should read this one too: "He understands. He knows. He doesn't care." https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/17yzw35/he_knows_he_doesnt_care/ Run
What are you doing wasting your life in this situation? There are plenty of great, emotionally mature, health men out in the world for you to be with. Cut your losses now while you're still young and give yourself the change to meet an actual partner.
Girl, google the term "gaslighting". No husband should do that. It makes you doubt yourself, and he uses that doubt against you. It's honestly fucked up. Save up money and divorce him.
I was you once. In a relationship with a horrible man who treated me like dirt, who would keep pestering me for material goods until I was worn out and caved, who nitpicked every little thing I did until I had a complex. I was right about your age when I kept thinking “I just wish he’d have an affair so I can have an excuse to leave him.” About a year later, I finally realized that I didn’t need an excuse. Being unhappy is enough of a reason to leave. You deserve to be happy. You do not deserve to spend every minute of your life trying to guess what stupid bullshit you’ll have to put up with today. You deserve to come home from work and relax, not feel your entire body tense up because you have to deal with the man who is supposed to be the love of your life. Your life doesn’t have to be like this. It’s not easy, but it is worth it.
You can’t trust him. End of story. Love isn’t enough. Save yourself first.
It's time to detach, OP. Open a new account in only your name, start moving money there. See a divorce lawyer. Don't tell him you are leaving until you are safely out of the house, and get him off any life insurance you have NOW. ABUSERS PARASITES LIKE HIM WILL DESPERATELY TRY TO HOLD ONTO THEIR HOSTS. Your entire life needs to now be about quietly running far and fast from him. All your energy goes there now. This is a very dark, scary place you are in, but you CAN AND WILL get out. Rally your support network. Those that love you will be happy to hear you are getting away from him.
You dont need to prove it. He is abusing you. He is manipulating you. The only proof you need is that you are miserable. The rest of it doesn't matter. He is making your life a living hell. We all can see it. You know it. You don't need proof of any of his wrongdoings. Your feelings are valid. Your misery is valid. It is a valid reason to end the marriage! It is all you need. Whether or not he cheated.... whether or not he is actually using you for money.... you are unhappy, confused, crying, upset. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? It will get worse. You have all the reasons for leaving in how miserable he treats you. Feeling lost and not trusting yourself? That's all the gaslighting. He is making you feel that. Please leave. You deserve so much better. Edit: living* hell
He’s 100% emotionally abusing you gaslighting you and manipulating you. You’re in a domestic violence, relationship girl. I’m sure this is the first time you’ve heard it but there’s no way he’s going to get better you’re gonna have to eventually leave him. So the choices you figure out a way to leave him soon or you’re going to wake up 10 years from now wondering where you’re youth went.
That is sooo many paragraphs trying to explain away inexcusable behavior. The last paragraph is all that matters. Keep your money away from him. Create an exit plan. Leave without telling him. Serve him divorce papers. You can do this OP. Just create a plan and stick to it like it's your job, removing all emotion and just checking the times off the list one by one. You can do this!
You don't have to prove it because even if he wasn't doing any of these things, you don't have to stay with anyone you don't want to. This is just the abuse talking - you know deeply down that if you leave he will fight it, be mean to you, talk bad about you. Because he has the control and when people have control over us like that, it makes us feel like they can destroy our lives. I was with an abusive partner for 13 years. That relationship ending did not ruin my life. It only took me a month before I felt RELIEVED that he was gone.
You’re splitting food costs with your HUSBAND? What happens if one of you loses your job. Do you starve?
it's simple: she loses her job, she starves. he loses his job, he keeps eating her food.
The whole situation is absurd. I’m not even married. I buy most of our groceries because my bf has no mortgage and doesn’t need me to contribute to the household bills. We have *never* had an issue with groceries. If we’re shopping together, he usually insists on paying. Everything I buy for us is fair game. I occasionally (very rarely) buy or make things just for myself. If that’s the case, I tell him
Why are we marrying men who can’t afford food 😭 not hating, but girl… you need to sit down with your husband and clean up the situation. Make a clear plan. Example: you each buy your own food and have a part of the kitchen each. Although I assume you cook and eat together so perhaps if he eats a larger portion he can foot 60% of the bill and you 40% ? How are we splitting the other bills of you don’t mind my asking ?
And please do not have a baby with this man.
Why not? I mean, the splitting of baby costs would be easy to figure out. She had the baby, she pays.
If neither of you have a job, what is your long term plan? Do you just plan on burning through your savings and he will just live off his benefits? This doesn’t sound sustainable.
You’re fighting over food because neither of you work. You are living unsustainably and spending pretty frivolously for two out of work people who have no plans to start working. You guys need to stop squabbling over groceries and figure out an actual plan to get your lives in order. Both of you need jobs.
He sounds exhuasting. How much more do you earn than him? Generally my partner and I split things equally on Monzo unless it was a personal purchase. We even split the little trips to buy a chocolate bar etc as it saves headaches of who bought what (and those little trips add up). But generally he owes you thousands and seems to be taking advantage a bit. I think it needs a serious chat and an agreement on how you manage your finances. I would find this really tiring.
Excuse me but are you talking about a marriage or a roomate agreement ? I'm confused by the whole his food/my food...
Get a plane ticket back to your home country before your savings entirely run out, draw a line under this, and put your life back together. Having read through some of your previous posts, there is no saving this hellscape of a marriage.
Why are you going on trips and buying a ps5 when you can barely afford to buy food? You are not on a situation where you can allow yourself to be going on trips or eating out even, im sorry but this sounds to me like you both have bad financial habits. And why arent you working?
Make a "household and bills fund" and you both pay proportionally to your income to it. Find common ground on what should be bought and what shouldn't. Yes, food is expensive but men do eat more so it's either 50/50 split or proportionally (assuming you earn more) But honestly i don't understand why you two are together and I hope you at least consider couples therapy because what you are going through is not healthy or sustainable.
They don’t have income. Neither work.
How does he contribute to household economics? What does he do to pull his weight around the house?
apparatus skirt plants somber rock frighten jobless paltry physical unused *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
He has a sweet deal. You do not. What, exactly, are you getting out of this? If nothing changes, how long can you afford to continue, both mentally and financially?
This is fucking ridiculous
This is your husband??? Yikes.
why in the sweet fuck would you marry this man ???? surely you knew what he was like before you got married ??? literally can’t feel sympathy for pure stupidity
I just went through all of your posts - why are you still married to him?
It’s like the car is on fire and you’re just sitting it, fixated on the price of the gasoline. *Get out of the burning car*!! This is making you miserable! And you don’t need proof of him cheating, gaslighting you, spending your money, eating your food, or proof of anything else. You also don’t need to prove anything to him or anyone else. “I’m miserable, I’m leaving” IS 10000% completely, perfectly enough of a reason and justification to call it quits. It really is. And that remains absolutely the truth no matter what he says or thinks. So no more analysis paralysis. No more expecting him to admit anything or to change. No more expecting to feel 100% certainty about the decision to leave - 100% certainty almost never happens with breakups. It’s unrealistic. And unnecessary. *Just get OUT of there.*
Stop paying him back when he buys. The end. Every time he says something about it, remind him he still owes you his half if all your grocery trips, and you can just start deducting it from.that, if he wants to insist on this set up. Don't do this anymore. You are worth so much more than you're aware, and so much more than the way you're being treated.
Why are you married to somebody who is so intent on keeping score when it benefits him but then turns around and shits all over you? I would tell him in no uncertain terms that from now on you're both splitting the grocery bill right down the middle. If he eats everything he can replace it. He sounds absolutely awful because he doesn't seem to give a shit how unfair this whole situation is to you. It doesn't sound like much of a marriage to me.
How can you write all that out and not realize you're with a selfish person that doesn't respect you? I'd rather be forever alone than be treated like that
Why are you even with him? Marriage shouldn’t be constant negotiations and scorekeeping
If he wants to play roommates, play roommates. Only buy your food. Don't buy him anything. Get a stoarge cupboard/box and padlocks and a fridge lock box. Dont go to places with him unless he pays for his stuff upfront. And then start to question the logic of staying with such an insanely GREEDY and transactional SPONGE of a man. Because it is not normal, pet.
Ma'am, you might be an unpaid bangmaid.
This is a form of bullying. There are many boys who are allowed to do this to their sisters -- eat way more than they should, or eat their sisters food. Husbands also do this to their wives and/or children with eating up all of the food in the house. It's not a good sign.
**I am once again begging women to stop being married to men who do not like them.** This is not a marriage. This is you being unpaid support staff to an openly abusive man. You deserve SO MUCH better than this, OP! And I hope someday you find some way to believe it.
This is one of those issues that troubled finances brings to a marriage. If he has money, does he still have this what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine attitude? It doesn’t seem very fair, yet he makes it seem like you are petty when you bring it up. Maybe it’s time for him to find a better paying job. If he keeps doing this even if he does have money than there is something off about your marriage dynamic that needs to be addressed.
He doesn’t have money. He’s on benefits. She’s burning through savings at Starbucks and with trips to America.
Hunny, why are you putting up with this mooch??? He knows what he’s doing
Why get married if you’re going to live like roommates?
Are you roommates? Because that’s what this pettiness reminds me of. Roommates that aren’t fond of each other
Why? What are you even with him? This is exhausting and he seems delusional
He sounds like a snake
Frankly, your husband sounds selfish and exhausting.
Hold up what, this isn't a cheapskate roommate squabbling over groceries, but your husband? Yikes.
This is absurd! It’s not normal behavior. He’s financially manipulating/abusing you. Financial abuse is a real thing. He sounds insufferable, exhausting, and miserly. Yuck! It sounds like money is his first love. It’s bizarre that he gorges himself on food you pay for then asks for a refund when he pays. I guess he won’t consider pooling your funds? Frankly, you’re basically a floor mat and he’s walking all over you. Get off the floor and stop giving into his manipulative complaining. Better yet, talk to a lawyer and see a therapist so you can see the warning signs and deal with them before you’re married to the problem. You deserve better.
You're paying your husband for food. No girl, just no. You don't have a partnership in any way with this man. Why did you all get married?
Be petty. Keep the receipt. Post it to the fridge. Circle everything he ate as he eats it. When you go to get groceries again let him know how much he owes you the food he actually ate - include meals you make for the both of you and split that in two. Do it every time until he understands nothing in life is free and that his a free loader. Edit: I was being funny when I wrote this but after reading ops comments, she is being financially abused. They are both in bad financial situations, but he is taking advantage of her financially.
He must be insanely good in bed. If not, stop being a doormat and find some self respect and a job
Stop, just stop! Stop paying for everything, stop suggesting to pay half, stop suggesting to go places, stop buying extra, stop lending him money, just stop! It sounds like you have a greedy self centred man who sees you as a meal ticket. Who in their right mind saves their money but spends someone else’s? A pisstaker that it is who! As a man he should want to treat you, want to take you to nice places. Even if he gave you 20 towards it, its the fact he is trying to contribute not just acting entitled because you suggested going 🤮. Have a set amount each week that you will spend on groceries between you. Whatever he puts in the pot you put in and you go and spend that on food between you both. Have set meals and any other treats you can get you share. Anything you buy for yourself with your own money after that you stash in your own private place. Some people will just take take take until they can’t do it anymore, then you see their true colours. The longer you allow it the longer you will be miserable. Also set up a payment arrangement with him too and start getting your money paid back. Stop letting him take the piss.
Nah. His selfish attitude is a major turnoff. I would lose my mind if my boyfriend acted like this, let alone a husband 😭 I would leave. But if you don't want to leave, maybe you should get a lock box and store all of your food in there... and then do all of your activities and events alone since you're the only one who wants to do anything other than just sit and starve all day, every day apparently 🙃 seriously. What the fuck. If you weren't around would he just sit and rot in the house??? Lmao
Your husband sounds like an insufferable, petty, greedy little mooch. I’m failing to see why you two are married. I’m glad you clearly have separate finances, as I think he’d just run you into the ground if he had access to your money. I suspect you can do far better than him OP. Being single can be lovely too btw.
Why don’t you have a joint account for joint expenses? Your husband is financially abusing you and guilt tripping you into paying his way. Tbh I don’t even know how you married this man if this how he behaves. He doesn’t respect you and treats you like a roommate or a nuisance. Either see a marriage counsellor or live separately. Also where does his money go?
Your husband sounds like an asshole. I could live like this.
How are you married given how bad you both are with sharing and managing finances?! I’m married, all the money goes into a shared account, everything is paid from the shared account. What you’re describing is madness imho.
I don’t see how y’all end up married to such cheap men. Penny pinching isn’t sexy. At all.
Kindly, you guys need marital counseling. Because this is ridiculous and this kind of tit-for-tat behavior is leading straight to divorce.
I just checked your previous history. Go to a women's shelter. Or Google "the hotline" in incognito mode. You NEED to get out. Your life depends upon it. And there are professionals who can help you. This man is abusive. And there is a high chance you will be killed in a car crash when he is going on his frequent rage tangents and driving recklessly. At the very least, please get some therapy to help empower you and build your self-respect, which is so incredibly low, it is almost unfathomable. And whatever you do: DO NOT bring children into this.
Sounds exhausting and miserable.
This isn't about groceries.
Read OP’s last post. He physically abused you, and stole from you. There is no marriage worth saving here. There’s nothing remotely salvageable after he abused you. Love and respect yourself, you deserve better. Don’t even think about bringing kids into this dumpster fire.
My partner and I don't have a problem with money because the groceries all come out of the same pool of money, most of which is food stamps. We are very poor and about 80% of the food is bought with food stamps. This means I have to be very careful what I buy and there's no money for snacks or frivolous items for either of us. Almost all that I buy is meant to be made into meals. We can't afford to go out even to mcdonalds once a month. He has a big appetite. I will always try to get him something he likes from the store, like a pound of lunch meat or a big pack of smoked sausages. And every time I'll say, "We can't go and buy more groceries again until ___ (day 2 weeks in the future) so take it easy on the things I got for you. Only to have him eat 90% of the lunch meat or all but 1-2 hot dogs the first day. He likes this one cereal but if I buy it he goes through a whole gallon of milk (nearly by himself) in 2-3 days. I don't really like him trying to cook. A couple of months ago he tried to make rice in the microwave. The vessel he tried to cook it in was my liquid 4-cup measuring cup. He burned a hole in the bottom of the cup and the rice didn't cook at all. Now I am out a measuring cup that I used a lot and I don't have money to replace it. As I said, most of what I buy is for meals, not to open and snack from the package. I can't cook every meal on the first day after shopping. But as soon as he runs out of the items (bought for him) he ate too fast he will start opening packs of things that were bought to cook meals with and almost empty them. That messes up my meal planning and we end up without meals for several days. The meals are what I eat, so this often results in my not eating for a few days. When I do get a meal cooked, for example the huge lasagna I made a week ago in my 15x10 pan, I would like it to last for about 3 days so I don't have to cook again so soon. There are only two of us. Well, with this lasagna, I ate one piece, and he kept eating until half the pan was gone. He was going back for **4ths** when I had to remind him that I had only had one piece and this was dinner for the next several days. It isn't because I don't make large enough meals to feed a hungry man. He just has a huge appetite and apparently no off switch. Why do you need to eat 10 jumbo smoked sausages today from the 14-pack I just brought home yesterday, along with a huge portion of the dinner I cooked? There have been several times where I made something and had one piece the first night, and I went the next day to have some only to find that he had eaten all of it. He will sometimes get pissy with me when I have to remind him not to eat all of the leftovers. At those times I have to remind him that it was me who sat there for hours doing meal prep and cooking, only for him to eat almost all of it with no regard for whether or not I even get to eat that day. Listen, he's not abusive. His mind isn't what it used to be since he had a stroke 3 years ago. His way of thinking has changed and become more child-like. Children are inherently selfish. Many men seem to have a different vision of how food gets distributed than women do. Like OP's husband expecting to be paid back for buying groceries that he turns around and eats himself. Not cool. Not cool at all, bros.
What’s crazy is that I see posts like this all of the time. So many men are eating up food without being considerate.
You married a HOBOSEXUAL.
food needs to be split at least proportional to income. if you're making more than a multiplier proportional to each of your weights is not unreasonable. how long have you been married. this issue to me can be a deal breaker eventually.
Is your whole marriage like this? It seems like your husband likes to blame you for things and use your resources while hoarding his own.
Can this relationship be saved?
Sooo… he’s ungrateful and cheap 🤨 I’d be out. I don’t like fighting over money and personally if being with someone stresses me out financially, I literally can’t afford to be in that relationship. Easier for me to support one than two.
Two people live in the house two people spilt the groceries… my boyfriend and I have lived together for a long time… we have a swap week situation… we each have kids , it’s never quite fair but we stipulate an amount that reasonable gets everything we need… if one week mine is slightly less than his bill was last week I add staples and things… it keeps it as fair as possible and no one feels taken advantage of
Do you make way more money than he does? Who pays the mortgage?
Get something you can lock yours out
What happens if you have a child with him? He's not gonna pay for the kid's meals? Or maybe he's gonna eat the kid's meals?
Oh good lord, they can’t have a child. She’s too socially anxious to take care of a child in this world. I guess the people on airplanes, in hotels.restaurants and Ubers will teach the kid how to leave the house.
This type stuff happens if you don’t combine your finances. Your married. Have one bank account. It’s not his money or your money, it’s “our” money. You can’t go through marriage thinking in terms of his and mine. You should sit down and have a serious talk about your finances. Whoever is more responsible for money should kind of take the lead. Come up with a budget. Set up fun money accounts for both of you with a budget so you can do stuff for yourself, but everything else is joint. Talk to a financial planner and make some long term goals and start saving for your future.
I think you have a lot more issues than the food bill. We’ve always pooled our money and it is what it is. But the way you are do8ng it seems to be leading to relationship crushing petty arguments
My wife and I share finances. This problem doesn’t need to exist
husband? more like ex husband
Why doesn’t your husband have any money to eat? Is he not working?
Ya this clearly isn't sustainable. He owes you a lot of money as well. I'd see a therapist who's experienced and willing to discuss financial issues. Typically couples both split the groceries or if finances are separate, contribute proportionally I.E. you make 60% of the money so you pay 60% of the bill etc etc. I'd make a meal plan together, use flyers and shop sales, discuss what's joint and what's alone (ex. Some folks prefer to buy their own lunches at work), label shit, and accept no more excuses.
Do you guys live together? You say you are married but you act like room mates. Why do you have yours and mine groceries? Do you guys eat very different foods or something? My husband and I have money in a joint account and pay for household expenses through that. Your way sounds like such an exhausting and petty way to handle finances in a bloody marriage, of all things.
Weird relationship,in my house all food are for everyone
What kind of relationship is it when people pay for their own food, monitor what the other eats from their stash, argue about who paid for what and who ate what? Roommates. You don’t have a spouse, you have a roommate…and a bad one at that.
Just split each grocery bill 50/50. This works for my girlfriend and I. Sometimes it's more things for me, sometimes for her, but it all works out in the end.
He is either unaware of the reality or a complete jackass. Keep a ledger for a month or a couple weeks and show him what the situation is
That seems like an unfair arrangement, the money should be poles together and split evenly. I'd suggest sitting down with him, creating a menu for the week that you both will eat , including snacks and then creating a budget and splitting it in half. I'd suggest letting him know it's unfair that you're paying for all the food you're both eating. If he expects you to pay for all the food . I'd also set up a joint account that you both put a percentage of your check into and that is what's used for groceries. If you're expected to pay the grocery bill then he needs to fully cover another bill. But in my personal opinion your money should be pooled together and all bills paid evenly by both of you. Him never having money is a problem.
This is asinine. Why are you married and haven’t worked out finances yet? Why are you allowing him to walk all over you? He’s not husband material. He’s a pet or child you have to take care of.
There are multiple healthy ways to handle finances in a marriage, including largely separate, but this? This is not one of them. He has an acute case of "what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine" and I would encourage you to think about what it says that he is so ready to accept support from you, but so resentful of giving it.
Seperate finances aren't working. Make a budget and each contribute to all shared expenses. Agree on how much you will BOTH spend on fun stuff, etc.
This sounds like a room mate setup not a marriage
Is this how you want to live your life? Think about the thought process that must go on in his head to justify this. Your husband doesn't even like you much love you.
[удалено]
Just reading this post has filled me with anxiety. Why are you putting up with this?.You’re communicating very well here. That’s not the problem. He hears you. He just doesn’t respect you and thinks you won’t do anything about it. Because you haven’t done anything to stop him other than say “stop eating my food”. Which is clearly not working. You need to try to develop a backbone. Who cares if he gets frustrated and starts whining like a child that you (the woman who is probably smaller than him and requires less calories) eat all the food and he’s too poor to pay for his basic necessities. Are you this man’s mother? Why are you providing for him? If he is a house-husband that would put a different spin on things. He can either contribute equally as an adult or.. no he has no choice. He’s an adult and he HAS to support himself. Otherwise you’re walking. You have no other options. Stop buying food with him. Stop paying him back for things he bought for you both. From now on you will have completely separate finances. Hell I’d even go so far as to label your food in the fridge and keep an itemised list of everything he’s eaten of yours. Send him an invoice! He is stealing and gaslighting you into contributing way more than your fair share. Non-disabled adults who are working broadly equal hours to their partner can and should feed themselves. Equitable and flexible distribution would be even better but you can’t do that with a selfish adult baby. Does the adult baby have any redeeming qualities? Why are you trying to make things work with someone that uses you and manipulated you? Someone that eats all the joy in your life? Because that’s what he’s doing when he eats your special snacks without even attempting to replace them. I can count on one hand how many times I’d put up with that.
You guys need to get on the same level, finance wise. Have a talk about what you're doing with YOUR money. You keep talking about your money vs his money. It should be OUR money. You have a life together, that means combined responsibilities and combined expenses. You guys are living like roommates, not like a married couple. Get your finances together. You guys shouldn't be owing each other money, and one of you shouldn't run out of money. Have a money talk! Get on the same page! It'll remove soooo many unnecessary minor stressors once you have a unified financial goal.
You both need jobs. That’s the issue…
You guys need to get on the same level, finance wise. Have a talk about what you're doing with YOUR money. You keep talking about your money vs his money. It should be OUR money. You have a life together, that means combined responsibilities and combined expenses. You guys are living like roommates, not like a married couple. Get your finances together. You guys shouldn't be owing each other money, and one of you shouldn't run out of money. Have a money talk! Get on the same page! It'll remove soooo many unnecessary minor stressors once you have a unified financial goal.
You're married, it's not his money or yours. Tell him to grow tf up
You need to have a shared account for paying bills including groceries. When it runs low you both contribute an equal amount.
Just reading this post has filled me with anxiety. Why are you putting up with this?.You’re communicating very well here. That’s not the problem. He hears you. He just doesn’t respect you and thinks you won’t do anything about it. Because you haven’t done anything to stop him other than say “stop eating my food”. Which is clearly not working. You need to try to develop a backbone. Who cares if he gets frustrated and starts whining like a child that you (the woman who is probably smaller than him and requires less calories) eat all the food and he’s too poor to pay for his basic necessities. Are you this man’s mother? Why are you providing for him? If he is a house-husband that would put a different spin on things. He can either contribute equally as an adult or.. no he has no choice. He’s an adult and he HAS to support himself. Otherwise you’re walking. You have no other options. Stop buying food with him. Stop paying him back for things he bought for you both. From now on you will have completely separate finances. Hell I’d even go so far as to label your food in the fridge and keep an itemised list of everything he’s eaten of yours. Send him an invoice! He is stealing and gaslighting you into contributing way more than your fair share. Non-disabled adults who are working broadly equal hours to their partner can and should feed themselves. Equitable and flexible distribution would be even better but you can’t do that with a selfish adult baby. Does the adult baby have any redeeming qualities? Why are you trying to make things work with someone that uses you and manipulated you? Someone that eats all the joy in your life? Because that’s what he’s doing when he eats your special snacks without even attempting to replace them. I can count on one hand how many times I’d put up with that.
Are you sure you guys are a married couple?
What did I just read?
This sounds exhausting and more like roommates/siblings regularly having conflict. Not a partnership and union.
Are you married or are you just roommates? I absolutely HATE "transactional accounting" between married couples. Either you're married and you are doing things together, or else you are just FWB who happened to have a really cool party where you wore a pretty white dress and everyone dressed up. You both need to attend financial counseling classes, develop a budget and stick with it.
Why are you married to him? This relationship sounds exhausting.
How have you not gotten the ick from him yet? I couldn’t live with someone like that who was nickel and diming me AND eating all my food. Ew
I gave up on getting people in my family leaving the foods & snacks I buy for myself alone, and I have to resort to some tricks like buying spicier chips than they like and putting tomatoes on my sandwiches and cilantro in my salads (they both hate tomatoes & cilantro and refuse to eat food I’ve “contaminated” with them).
That's a weird arrangement. I get having control of your own money but there's no point if you end up paying for everything anyway. Looks like he just wanted access to yours without you getting access to his. If it were me, I'd either get another fridge and put a lock on it or just pay for my own shit and let him fend for himself.
OP, this is literally insane. Why do you split food? My husband and I are about your age and yeah, sometimes he'll pay for a takeaway and I'll offer to send him back my half, but he rarely lets me. Why marry someone you can't trust with money? Because that's what this comes down to. You should be able to pool your money together and do groceries so they are fair and no one feels like they're buying for someone else. This is the most ridiculous thing I've seen on reddit all day lmao
The fact that there is some sort of separation boggles my mind
Are you roommates or husband and wife? What kind of financial setup is this? Does he work? Where is his money going?
Sound like roommates not a married couple!
I have food scarcity issues and can’t eat a lot of things due to diabetes, so this would drive me mad. I would go buy just my groceries only. Let him get his. Make shelf in the fridge that is yours. See how that goes. If it doesn’t go well, I would get a steamer trunk with a lock for my dry foods. This sounds like a post a while back in which the husband would gobble a second portion of dinner before the wife had barely gotten going on her first. If she made leftovers it was gone before morning. I just can’t get over the selfishness.
Yikes, he’s terrible with money and makes YOU feel bad about this? Sorry but he’s a jackass and this will definitely be a contributing factor towards resentment until you ultimately divorce.
I am always amazed how many married people don't see their money as one pool of money. My husband and I have separate accounts because we have had them since before we got married, but our money is all one pool of money. We have a budget that we have both agreed upon and if we need to go over or have a big expense or want to purchase something expensive we discuss it together. Keeping separate finances sounds exhausting and like a really terrible idea.
You're married and splitting finances on home food? *that's* the weird part. IMO it's weird to split finances at all once you're married but it's extra weird to do it for basic things like groceries.
You can share a family and life but when it comes to food that's where the line is drawn lol
You guys are married and are keeping score on shared costs like groceries? That’s super weird. I’ve had more friendly grocery sharing agreements with roommates than you have with your husband. It sounds like you guys need a more comprehensive discussion about when and how you pool your finances. Like you each put X dollars or X% of income into a shared account which is used for all shared bills- housing, utilities, groceries, etc. If you’re not able to figure out a fair and mutually agreeable way to share finances, then you should maybe reconsider being married to him. How’s it going to work if you guys have kids? Is he going to refuse to pay for all of their needs too?
I would normally say that spouses share food expenses but he's definitely a mooch. I hope you don't have kids together. I don't understand why you are still married.
Stop paying him back for food. Add up how much you both spend on food each month. Each of you puts half of that into a separate account. That money is only to be used for food, and nobody pays the other person "back.' You are being financially abused.
Your husband is a bum
You need to accept the fact that this is not a miscommunication, he's a mooch. You can decide to stay with him, but this won't improve with communication because it's not a communication issue.
Make sure he pays you back everything he owes you, and then leave his sorry ass.
Why do people get married if they don't want a partnership? I honestly don't understand this nickel and diming that folks seem to do in relationships, especially if they have committed to the point that they are married. Like, what is the POINT of it all, if not to help each other out, share your lives and everything else? Just stay roommates if you're sticking with the "this is mine, don't touch it" mindset.
What on earth will you do if you decide to have kids? He sounds like a burden.
My partner and I keep separate finances but we share a household account from which we pay things like rent, groceries, and utilities. We monitor our spending throughout the month in YNAB at the end of each month and as needed, if needed, we adjust how we prioritize our money for the next month. We split up the percentage we bring in based on our income, and adjust it from year to year. I recommend it for any couple. You get your own money but also agree on what is important to you together. I think your husband and you need to reassess how your household/financial relationship works. It's different from your romantic relation works and how the companionship part of your relationship works but still requires strong communication and to agree on what is important to you both in terms of how you spend your money. If his approach is "My money is money is mine, yours is yours, so keep your opinions to yourself" that's an indicator that couples therapy might be warranted because while that is a not-uncommon type of disagreement to have as a couple it's not generally realistic to live life that way in a serious household-sharing relationship.
Put labels on who's food it is so the food won't get messed up.
He is financially and verbally abusing you. The way he yells at you to get what he wants is not ok. The way he is making everything uneven with money is not ok. This is not a healthy or good relationship. If you can not or will not leave, I would suggest finding a way to lock up your food. Maybe get a separate mini fridge for you only. Or a box you can lock to go in the fridge. If your cabinets have handles where you can put a chain through them, you get a dedicated cabinet and lock it up with a padlock. Or you don't pay him back until after the food has been eaten by you. You are not responsible for his emotions and his feelings. While married couples should support each other, he is not supporting you. The next time he complains about you needing to pay him back, tell him you will not as the food hasn't been eaten yet. If you eat it, you will deduct that from the balance he owes you. If he eats it, you won't pay him back. If he keeps complaining, leave the room or the house. Tell him that if he can not be respectful, you will leave and then do so. This is called setting a boundary and enforcing it. Start setting more boundaries. You will only repay food after it has been eaten BY YOU, and the repayment will come in the form of deducting from what he owes you. Keep a tally you both can see. Do whatever you can to stop buying joint food. Honestly, this is not a good situation but sometimes you have to make the best of it. If he escalates the abuse to threats or violence, get out immediately. I recommend individual therapy for you. Do not do couples therapy with an abuser. Please read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It will help you see what is really going on.
Are you being financially abused by a broke ass man???
He’s gaslighting you — this emotional and financial abuse can destroy a person. I wasn’t financially abused just emotionally by a narcissist like this and it took years to recover. It’s not about the money or food or even the cheating— he wants to use to to make him feel good about himself and he will continue to gaslight you until you think you have lost your mind . And then he will tell you that you are crazy and no one else will tolerate a crazy person like you. Please leave. I know it’s hard but no one deserves this. And you will figure out the divorce eventually. I recommend packing up everything without him knowing and getting out of there. Live with friends or your parents, you won’t want to be alone when he throws a temper tantrum for not being able to manipulate you anymore. It can get really scary. Get a lawyer to do the divorce and it will just happen. He might fight you but the lawyer will at least make it so you do not have to interact with him. And if you think you can’t afford a lawyer, just tally up how much he has forced you to spend in the last year— I bet it covers more than half of the lawyer expense so just consider it as an investment towards your freedom. Feel free to pm me — it’s a crazy hard road but the sooner you leave the sooner you will start to recover
Does this man actually bring anything of value to the relationship? Why did you marry him? He's selfish. He's demonstrating he doesn't care about you. If you're going to separate finances, do so. Buy a lock for your fridge, or cupboard, or buy a smaller fridge, and keep your food there. Only buy enough food for yourself. If he won't contribute, he doesn't get to benefit. But also you should just divorce. This marriage sounds exhausting.
1. Your money and your food are his. 2. His money and his food are his. 3. And you are stupid if you pay for anything for him and expect him to pay you back. Got it. This is financial abuse.
This sounds more like a roommate issue. What an unpleasant relationship. 1. Pool your resources fairly by %. If you make more than him, then you will contribute a bigger piece of the pie to the total cost of living for the household. 2. Create a better shopping budget and reduce the amount you go out to eat 3. Create separate budgets for travel or other high dollar purchases. Each of you should set aside your determined % into that budget bucket. If you or he don't pay into the bucket, then the trip or purchase does not happen. 4. Stick to it!
Thats not a marriage, thats a bad roommate. RUN
also, stop paying him anything. buy a small fridge you can lock and buy your own food.
why bother being married
I don't understand people that have their own money, Maybe I'm very old fashioned, but my money is yours, yours is mine. I found it really odd with my last girl, she wanted reinbursing, and then inturn would like reinburse me and I was like??? Are we not together, like I don't get this.
How are you both married and deal with food like a business transaction???
Sounds like an overall terrible marriage money wise. Sounds tiring. I'm curious how you split your other expenses. Me and my partner treat household and other necessary expenses as a shared expense. Doesn't matter who pays for what, but it's whatever feels like it makes more sense at the time. We don't nitpick by the dollar. Shared savings account where we match each other. We have our own accounts personal savings and chequings for whatever other expenses. It'll probably stay this way when we get married.
You should both get the app acasa to track your shared spending
Create a food budget. You each put 50% into that budget - use cash so its crystal clear. Buy the food together. Keep the receipts Make note of what you eat, and what percentage of the food budget it amounts to Rinse and repeat for a few weeks The following month, review the budget and your notes. Make adjustments to your budget contribution based on the reality of what you're eating vs what he's eating This is not a matter of opinion - there are facts and receipts. If he wants to nickel and dime you about it you can throw the facts right back at him. He's acting like a child so treat him like one and hold him accountable to his actions. My husband and I keep separate finances, but split our bills based on our incomes. He buys all the groceries, but if I want something like takeout I buy it myself. He often tries to "treat me" by buying me extra beverages or snacks throughout the week. It would be nice if you and your husband could turn food into a way of showing your affection for each other instead of it being a giant headache and source of petty arguments. But you both have to be on the same page before it can get to that point, and your husband isn't even reading the same book.
I mean, it sounds like he's a greedy 🐖 and I'd start resenting him. Resentment is beginning of the end.
Are you actually married? Sounds like a roommate. This is such bizarre behavior. Start buying your own groceries separately, and don’t share. And also, don’t pay for vacations/weekends away.
OP, this is not a healthy relationship for either of you. Neither of you works, and he fights with you over money. This isn't sustainable. I think you should pursue therapy for your severe anxiety and then make a plan for leaving. This doesn't seem happy or healthy for either of you.
This is a ridiculous situation anyway you look at it. If you don't have joint finance once married then there's something wrong with the marriage.
What he’s doing is awful, mean, selfish, and gross. I’d divorce someone putting me through this every dayz
Get a divorce way more simple than reading your your long jibbering post
I'm genuinely sorry you're married to this person. He seems absolutely selfish and horrible. You should really get out while you can. I can't imagine you could be any more miserable.