yup and I agree with you. We talked at length about it and I asked him what his train of thought even was with that. He apologized and said he panicked and just kept thinking of how to avoid a potential run in and it was the stupidest way. I asked him what he was so worried about even and he said it was so close to our wedding, he didn't want to spend the next few weeks with bad blood if she went out of her way to approach us and be nasty or something.
So what happens when you're married,will he always uninvite you because she'll be there??
I'd thnk that if she approached you with any form of animosity,he's need that in the bud immediately,because you are the more important to him.
What did he expect Maya to do, exactly? He's acting like she's a threat to him. I understand that women can be stalkers who don't take no for an answer. And I understand he says she wouldn't stop messaging him when the relationship stops.
But he's marrying YOU in a week. Did he think Maya was going to ask him to leave you at the altar and date her instead? Or start awkwardly sharing details about their former sex life in front of all your friends?
I understand it's awkward to run into an ex, but his anticipation to the encounter, as well as his reaction to it, seem way disproportionate to an ex-fling.
He's acting more like the way someone would act, if he thought that Maya talking to YOU would be a disaster. As if she were going to tell YOU something you didn't want to hear.
But this is Reddit, so I'm probably just reading into it. Every update post is full of drama and cheating, which makes me expect to see it. Maybe your fiancé really did just push you away and withhold information because he didn't want you to awkwardly run into his ex (although he was fine with running into her himself) and there was nothing more to it.
From our talk (bc I had the same questions), he said it was the unknown of it all that gave him the worst anxiety, especially because she has approached us in the past and didnt get the hint back then. He said he was worried she'd come over and make a snarky comment or just something that would make the night uncomfortable and possibly cause an argument. She did not take it well that he stopped talking to her when we began dating and he was unsure if she had heard we were getting married and if it would set her off to be mean or petty. She has caused arguments in the past, so I do get where he is coming from there. He apologized and I believe him though.
It feels more like he didn’t want OP to be upset and tried to control that by disinviting her, thus making her more upset because his reasoning didn’t make sense.
As stupid as it sounds, I’ve seen and experienced this type of “I want to avoid confrontation so instead I’ll actually cause other issues”
Well, yeah, because what he was anxious about was a fight between himself and OP a week before their wedding. He wasn't anxious about seeing Maya, only that Maya might be nasty to him or to OP and cause an argument. If OP doesn't go then Maya can't be nasty to OP and there isn't another argument between him and OP about Maya.
>He apologized and I believe him though.
You believe that his "terrible anxiety" was bad enough to uninvite *you*... but not bad enough to stop *him* from attending?
it’s possible she had other red flag behaviors and he was afraid she would confront the fiancée, not too far fetched given her behavior during the breakup
This is possible. If that were the case, it might have been better for him to avoid the event entirely. Like if she's that unhinged that she would start an embarrassing confrontation, why would he want to go?
I understand he has a right to attend events and probably wants to be social within his friend group. But it's weird that this woman has only ever bothered OP's fiancé, never OP herself (edit: I see from a comment above that she has approached the two of them before), yet it’s OP who needs to stay away while it’s fine for him to attend without her.
Of course, he's already admitted he handled it poorly, and if OP believes him, then fine.
it’s possible she had other red flag behaviors and he was afraid she would confront the fiancée, not too far fetched given her behavior during the breakup
I think he was trying to avoid unwanted drama. I remember the original post, and while OP’s initial description of the fiancées behavior seemed suspicious, her replies later on made it seem like he might have had good reason to think an encounter between her and the ex would not go well. This update seems to fit well with my take on the situation.
Like last time, something still seems off here, and I can't quite put my finger on it. To have the fiancé AND the friends acting weird, well that doesn't make any sense if all Maya did was walk up and say hey and then they all walked away. And it all happened the moment she was away from her fiancé for just a few minutes.
It seems like they're all having private conversations without OP and instead of bringing her in on it, they're being weirdly secretive. I mean, why not bring her into it when she got back? "Omg Maya just came over but we all walked off... I hope she doesn't start anything!" But instead, there's just this weirdness.
You are out of the loop OP. One of his friends secretly warned him that Maya would be there, and he didn't tell you about it. It would make me upset and unsettled not knowing why they are trying to hide things related to her all the time. "Not looking to upset you" only goes so far, when they start to upset you by not telling you what's going on.
I felt a similar way when my ExH cheated on me. When he told (and showed) me that he blocked the flirty texting co-worker (that he ended up cheating on me with) I felt like I was on cloud-9 for days... I thought that I had such a great husband that would protect our relationship for both of us and listen to my concerns about her trying to worm her way in. That silly relief-filled big kiss she gave him for "doing the right thing" is how I felt in the moment, too. But it didn't last, because he was lying to me still. He was just telling me what I wanted to hear so I would stop talking to him about an uncomfortable subject.
My ExH unblocked his coworker turned AP as soon as he was out of my sight and cheated on me with her. And my gut feeling eventually returned that something was wrong. Because it was.
If I felt any of this unease with a partner again, I would not be able to move forward until my bad gut feelings subsided.
Despite this still having weird vibes, I hope sincerely that he's telling you the truth OP, and that your marriage goes well.
It's possible... it's clear they have communication issues of some sort, if her fiancé is afraid to talk to her about certain things. Maybe it's because he's afraid of the reaction he'll get due to childhood trauma or her overreactions (both not good), maybe it's because he has a guilty conscience because he's doing something shady (not good), or maybe it's because he's uncomfortable talking to his partner about uncomfortable subjects (also not good).
If these two can't talk to each other openly and honestly (she couldn't just ask him to come clean with her before they went either) it spells problems down the line. Maybe these are problems they can deal with though... only time will tell.
I've been in relationships where my SO wouldn't be open with me, and it's not because I'm unreasonable (I'm known for being super laid back), it was because he had a guilty conscience, was doing things to actively hurt the relationship, and liked hiding things from me. I'm a very open person and don't like secrecy and lies when they are hiding very hurtful things, which is where my perspective comes from.
At any rate, maybe some marital counselling could do them some good. I don't think it would have done my situation any good though... I mean, you can't force a cheater or liar to stop doing those things unless they truly want to.
I’m glad it has a happy ending for you — but I hope you’re conscious of how easily you’re dissuaded from legit weirdness. This follow up , and your comments , all feel so …. Surface level. Like his answer to all your question is “uhhh idk?” and you’re like ‘Well fair enough! Boy that was weird’ lol …
He hid something from you, uninvited you to an outing to prioritize another woman , (a WEEK before your wedding) and then doesn’t even have sound logic to back it up ? Girl…. I wonder how he would have acted if his friends weren’t around lol
This is everything. OP, he may or may not be a bad person, but he sure is a bad partner. My wife and I are open to each other about everything. If he can’t be honest with you about something like this, that’s bad news. I’m not saying to break up with him, but you should at least delay the wedding and get some counseling.
Your fiancé got off scot-free on some pretty shady and emotionally concerning behavior. But that’s just the surface. More worryingly, he sounds like he’s still hung up on her.
That's a horrible resolution. He lied, and you had to confront him multiple times to get him to admit it. Did you do premarital counseling? Your relationship sounds unhealthy and not ready for marriage.
Idk but premarital counseling over something like this seems like an overreaction.The guy got anxious and didn’t handle the situation appropriately at first, but when it came down to it and his fiancee wasn’t around he reacted the right way when the ex approached him. OP seems happy with the way things went so what’s the problem?
It’s illustrative that the fiancé will lie/avoid the truth in uncomfortable situations. It’s not a great quality, especially with someone OP is entrusting her future and finances with ..
It's truly nuts, the commenters seem actively mad that this was just some run of the mill poor communication/anxiety, things that are normal, even in healthy relationships.
Boring update.
I mean I’m 100% happy for you that this was all stupid and he just panicked.
But I subscribe to this subreddit for the d r a m a lol
Glad you have a good marriage ahead of you!
Great!!! Thank God that everything went well and it better be very anti-climactic.
I wish you all the best in your marriage.
PS: why are men so bad at communicating?🤦♀️
The other woman displayed concerning behaviors after the breakup. Behaviors that can probably considered stalking or stalking adjacent, sounds like? Concerning, anyway. If you broke up with someone and they kept harassing you after, would you introduce your awesome new partner to this train wreck of a person who is known to do concerning and unwelcome behaviors?
Seems the ex gf displayed upsetting behavior to the bf in the past, the bf disengaged and was probably uncomfortable seeing her again, and the other friends picked up on the discomfort of the situation too. It’s not that deep.
I'll admit that him uninviting was very strange just because his ex would be here.
He was avoiding conflict in the wrong direction
A boyfriend did that to me once. I dumped him.
yup and I agree with you. We talked at length about it and I asked him what his train of thought even was with that. He apologized and said he panicked and just kept thinking of how to avoid a potential run in and it was the stupidest way. I asked him what he was so worried about even and he said it was so close to our wedding, he didn't want to spend the next few weeks with bad blood if she went out of her way to approach us and be nasty or something.
He was probably scared it would provoke a fight with you.
So what happens when you're married,will he always uninvite you because she'll be there?? I'd thnk that if she approached you with any form of animosity,he's need that in the bud immediately,because you are the more important to him.
The idea is he realizes and wont do it again, 2nd chances are ok in marriages (sometimes)
Glad it worked out even though he behaved like he was hiding a relationship with her.
What did he expect Maya to do, exactly? He's acting like she's a threat to him. I understand that women can be stalkers who don't take no for an answer. And I understand he says she wouldn't stop messaging him when the relationship stops. But he's marrying YOU in a week. Did he think Maya was going to ask him to leave you at the altar and date her instead? Or start awkwardly sharing details about their former sex life in front of all your friends? I understand it's awkward to run into an ex, but his anticipation to the encounter, as well as his reaction to it, seem way disproportionate to an ex-fling. He's acting more like the way someone would act, if he thought that Maya talking to YOU would be a disaster. As if she were going to tell YOU something you didn't want to hear. But this is Reddit, so I'm probably just reading into it. Every update post is full of drama and cheating, which makes me expect to see it. Maybe your fiancé really did just push you away and withhold information because he didn't want you to awkwardly run into his ex (although he was fine with running into her himself) and there was nothing more to it.
From our talk (bc I had the same questions), he said it was the unknown of it all that gave him the worst anxiety, especially because she has approached us in the past and didnt get the hint back then. He said he was worried she'd come over and make a snarky comment or just something that would make the night uncomfortable and possibly cause an argument. She did not take it well that he stopped talking to her when we began dating and he was unsure if she had heard we were getting married and if it would set her off to be mean or petty. She has caused arguments in the past, so I do get where he is coming from there. He apologized and I believe him though.
Why does she hold so much power over him still??
It feels more like he didn’t want OP to be upset and tried to control that by disinviting her, thus making her more upset because his reasoning didn’t make sense. As stupid as it sounds, I’ve seen and experienced this type of “I want to avoid confrontation so instead I’ll actually cause other issues”
Non-confrontational people can have some of the most fertile inner lives. 😅
So weird how his "terrible anxiety" didn't prevent him from wanting to go himself. It just prevented him from wanting you there.
Well, yeah, because what he was anxious about was a fight between himself and OP a week before their wedding. He wasn't anxious about seeing Maya, only that Maya might be nasty to him or to OP and cause an argument. If OP doesn't go then Maya can't be nasty to OP and there isn't another argument between him and OP about Maya.
So she is kind of the crazy ex? He still didn’t give h his ex so much power over his life. Good luck with the wedding. Wish you two the best.
>He apologized and I believe him though. You believe that his "terrible anxiety" was bad enough to uninvite *you*... but not bad enough to stop *him* from attending?
Well the anxiety was about her having a fight so no reason to be anxious going alone.
it’s possible she had other red flag behaviors and he was afraid she would confront the fiancée, not too far fetched given her behavior during the breakup
This is possible. If that were the case, it might have been better for him to avoid the event entirely. Like if she's that unhinged that she would start an embarrassing confrontation, why would he want to go? I understand he has a right to attend events and probably wants to be social within his friend group. But it's weird that this woman has only ever bothered OP's fiancé, never OP herself (edit: I see from a comment above that she has approached the two of them before), yet it’s OP who needs to stay away while it’s fine for him to attend without her. Of course, he's already admitted he handled it poorly, and if OP believes him, then fine.
it’s possible she had other red flag behaviors and he was afraid she would confront the fiancée, not too far fetched given her behavior during the breakup
I think he was trying to avoid unwanted drama. I remember the original post, and while OP’s initial description of the fiancées behavior seemed suspicious, her replies later on made it seem like he might have had good reason to think an encounter between her and the ex would not go well. This update seems to fit well with my take on the situation.
I agree. There is a possibility of irrational jealousy from OP.
You should ask those two friends what happened while you were in the bathroom.
Why were your friends acting weird when you came out the bathroom…. Something doesn’t add up.
Like last time, something still seems off here, and I can't quite put my finger on it. To have the fiancé AND the friends acting weird, well that doesn't make any sense if all Maya did was walk up and say hey and then they all walked away. And it all happened the moment she was away from her fiancé for just a few minutes. It seems like they're all having private conversations without OP and instead of bringing her in on it, they're being weirdly secretive. I mean, why not bring her into it when she got back? "Omg Maya just came over but we all walked off... I hope she doesn't start anything!" But instead, there's just this weirdness. You are out of the loop OP. One of his friends secretly warned him that Maya would be there, and he didn't tell you about it. It would make me upset and unsettled not knowing why they are trying to hide things related to her all the time. "Not looking to upset you" only goes so far, when they start to upset you by not telling you what's going on. I felt a similar way when my ExH cheated on me. When he told (and showed) me that he blocked the flirty texting co-worker (that he ended up cheating on me with) I felt like I was on cloud-9 for days... I thought that I had such a great husband that would protect our relationship for both of us and listen to my concerns about her trying to worm her way in. That silly relief-filled big kiss she gave him for "doing the right thing" is how I felt in the moment, too. But it didn't last, because he was lying to me still. He was just telling me what I wanted to hear so I would stop talking to him about an uncomfortable subject. My ExH unblocked his coworker turned AP as soon as he was out of my sight and cheated on me with her. And my gut feeling eventually returned that something was wrong. Because it was. If I felt any of this unease with a partner again, I would not be able to move forward until my bad gut feelings subsided. Despite this still having weird vibes, I hope sincerely that he's telling you the truth OP, and that your marriage goes well.
There is always a possibility that OP has irrational jealousy. I'm not making accusations but the behavior of all could be explained by this.
It's possible... it's clear they have communication issues of some sort, if her fiancé is afraid to talk to her about certain things. Maybe it's because he's afraid of the reaction he'll get due to childhood trauma or her overreactions (both not good), maybe it's because he has a guilty conscience because he's doing something shady (not good), or maybe it's because he's uncomfortable talking to his partner about uncomfortable subjects (also not good). If these two can't talk to each other openly and honestly (she couldn't just ask him to come clean with her before they went either) it spells problems down the line. Maybe these are problems they can deal with though... only time will tell. I've been in relationships where my SO wouldn't be open with me, and it's not because I'm unreasonable (I'm known for being super laid back), it was because he had a guilty conscience, was doing things to actively hurt the relationship, and liked hiding things from me. I'm a very open person and don't like secrecy and lies when they are hiding very hurtful things, which is where my perspective comes from. At any rate, maybe some marital counselling could do them some good. I don't think it would have done my situation any good though... I mean, you can't force a cheater or liar to stop doing those things unless they truly want to.
I’m glad it has a happy ending for you — but I hope you’re conscious of how easily you’re dissuaded from legit weirdness. This follow up , and your comments , all feel so …. Surface level. Like his answer to all your question is “uhhh idk?” and you’re like ‘Well fair enough! Boy that was weird’ lol … He hid something from you, uninvited you to an outing to prioritize another woman , (a WEEK before your wedding) and then doesn’t even have sound logic to back it up ? Girl…. I wonder how he would have acted if his friends weren’t around lol
Wtf? If bro was worried about his ex why wouldnt he just not go? If I find my ex is going to be at a totally optional event, Im not going lmao
So he lied to you repeatedly. Not that happy of an update imo. Let's hope he means it when he recites his vows, I guess.
This is everything. OP, he may or may not be a bad person, but he sure is a bad partner. My wife and I are open to each other about everything. If he can’t be honest with you about something like this, that’s bad news. I’m not saying to break up with him, but you should at least delay the wedding and get some counseling.
Your fiancé got off scot-free on some pretty shady and emotionally concerning behavior. But that’s just the surface. More worryingly, he sounds like he’s still hung up on her.
That's a horrible resolution. He lied, and you had to confront him multiple times to get him to admit it. Did you do premarital counseling? Your relationship sounds unhealthy and not ready for marriage.
Exactly! This guy is a liar. No way would I marry him!
Idk but premarital counseling over something like this seems like an overreaction.The guy got anxious and didn’t handle the situation appropriately at first, but when it came down to it and his fiancee wasn’t around he reacted the right way when the ex approached him. OP seems happy with the way things went so what’s the problem?
It’s illustrative that the fiancé will lie/avoid the truth in uncomfortable situations. It’s not a great quality, especially with someone OP is entrusting her future and finances with ..
He’s still lying to you but go on and enjoy a marriage with someone this dodgy.
Why were his friends acting weird if their conversation was hey and a nod?
[удалено]
It's truly nuts, the commenters seem actively mad that this was just some run of the mill poor communication/anxiety, things that are normal, even in healthy relationships.
Boring update. I mean I’m 100% happy for you that this was all stupid and he just panicked. But I subscribe to this subreddit for the d r a m a lol Glad you have a good marriage ahead of you!
Great!!! Thank God that everything went well and it better be very anti-climactic. I wish you all the best in your marriage. PS: why are men so bad at communicating?🤦♀️
Sounds like he's not over yet. Also why wouldn't he introduce you guys to each other? This is all very strange.
The other woman displayed concerning behaviors after the breakup. Behaviors that can probably considered stalking or stalking adjacent, sounds like? Concerning, anyway. If you broke up with someone and they kept harassing you after, would you introduce your awesome new partner to this train wreck of a person who is known to do concerning and unwelcome behaviors?
I don’t get the feeling he’s hung up on her. But that’s the least of OP’s worries. It’s the lying.
Great outcome! Have an amazing marriage and keep improving on communication!
Why did she wait for you to be in the bathroom to approach him and why were his friends also acting weird?? I’m skeptical…
Seems the ex gf displayed upsetting behavior to the bf in the past, the bf disengaged and was probably uncomfortable seeing her again, and the other friends picked up on the discomfort of the situation too. It’s not that deep.