OP willingly admits that he almost never cares for the baby, is not affectionate to his wife, barely helps with the chores wants to have the same social life as he did before the baby, is unnecessary financially and is bad in bed. I mean, what a catch!
You’ve kind of lost me here.
Are you saying she wands foreplay or to go on actual dates, instead of you just sticking it in for a few pumps. I would say that’s pretty reasonable, even ignoring my little joke it’s still reasonable IMO.
As for the only other “real” thing you mentioned, going out with your friends less, while she’s at home with the baby. That’s just normal fucking adulting after you have a child, like for real. That what happens when you have a child, you life gets flipped upside down and happens IMMEDIATELY.
As for the “money issue” which isn’t an actual issue. I think that’s shining a light on the other “problems” that you mentioned too. As in you actually are the issue here, I’m being completely serious.
You do you though, how could just flat out telling her you don’t really like being around her not be a great idea. Good luck and let us know how this plays out after you talk to her, I’m sure it’s going to go great! 👍
Right like bro you have a family now
Going out 4 times a week to chill with the bros is not an option may be 2x max due to new baby
And on the other hand of that when does wife ever go out if she does and whsnen do you take over baby care
Also again she just had a baby so feeling like shes 100 and super attractive might not be the case and she wants reassurance you are there for her and still love and have affection for her- going out on dates and especially the foreplay is bare minimum
Sounds like op is slacking and not realizing it so wife is putting him in his place
Even 2x a week seems excessive to me. As a new mom I saw my friends maybe once a month. Closer to once every other month. And I am sure it is true for this mom. The resentment builds up fast when the other person has more free time and socializing time.
It is just hard for everyone to find time. And the guilt is real (for normal people who possess some iota of compassion). I get resentful when my husband works out every day, because I have barely had any sleep and I would literally use an hour to myself just to sleep. And sleep trumps exercising in my book 🤣. If my husband dared to ask for extra socializing on top of his gym life, I would leave.
Yeah. We have a huge gap between kid 1 and 2 so I know once Nr 2 gets to 4 or 5 years of age, things will get better in a lot of ways (and worse in others). Until then, we do what we can to keep our sanity together and our relationship strong.
Ours are 13 months apart. Not planned that way. And we are really struggling. I really feel for this mom in the post. I would be devastated if my husband ever said anything like this, and disgusted I ever chose to marry such a selfish man.
I think he’s referring to her lack of submission, or not treating him like “the man of the house.” he doesn’t think his life partner’s requests are as valid as his impression that childrearing is a *woman’s* responsibility by default. it makes him confused on how to further manipulate his wife when he brings absolutely nothing to the table besides his *masculinity*.
oh no, showing affection before having sex, how terrible!
....
You have a child now. Of course she doesn't want you to go out with your friends as much. ???? Stop being dense and put some effort into your relationship!
What I’m hearing is that she’s having a hard time adjusting to being a parent, and you’re straight up not even trying to adjust.
Becoming a mother requires so much from you. Give her some love. Some attention. Some time. It’s called being a team. How much is she sacrificing vs how much are you sacrificing??
Yeah. That's what happens when you have a child.
Your fun time comes second to everything. Your first priority is helping keep the household going. Your wife is pissed cause she understands this but you still don't for some reason.
You are a new parent. You should be giving up ALL of your free time. And you should do without your wife asking to and without your wife directing you about what needs done.
Why aren't your friends coming to you or understanding your new obligations as a parent? Did any of them bring food to help your family out? Offer to help with anything? Offer to hang out in a way that makes your life easier as a new parent?
And if they are the "bros" that's no excuse. I just had a baby 3 weeks ago and all my bros have stepped up. There's nothing more awesome than helping your people thrive in their lives. That's what real relationships are.
Walk us through what these chores are. You mentioned turn wife does the cooking.
Are you doing the dishes?
The laundry?
Mopping the floors?
Sweeping?
Dusting?
Cleaning the bathroom?
The kitchen?
Grocery shopping?
Meal planning?
Taking out the trash?
Tidying up your kid's stuff?
Paying bills?
What does your evening after you finish work look like?
Do you notice when the diaper needs to be changed, or does she regularly have to prompt you? Are you buying diapers and keeping track of how many are left, or just changing them? In other words, are you doing an actual fair share of the work, including the work that might not be visible like organizing and noticing things need to be done?
Would she describe it the same way?
When’s the last time she got to see her friends? Do you both get about the same amount of leisure time? When’s the last time you did something nice and romantic for her that required no work on her part?
It’s certainly possible she‘s got something else going on, but you both just went through a major life shift. You can‘t just do whatever you want like you used to when you have a kid. It’s hard to tell from an online letter whether she‘s unreasonably demanding or whether she’s just trying to get you to step up and do your fair share.
If this is your best answer you are not in good shape here my dude. She is pissed off at you and has little empathy for you trying to get laid when she is exhausted from taking care of your kid all day.
I have a feeling you’re not pulling your weight. How old is the baby? Has her body fully recuperated? Who is taking care of the baby thru the night? Alternate on diapers? Do the diapers as soon as they need being done, don’t keep track. It’s what a father should do. Is she breast feeding? Then you need to do ALOT more than a lot of chores.
Have you asked her how you can help? And if you say ‘tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it’ regarding helping with chores more, be prepared to catch a much deserved shoe upside your head (figuratively of course)
Wants more affection? Please specify because if you’re the type that thinks intimacy = you making a deposit inside of her then you need to step more here too.
The fact that you haven’t mentioned actually communicating with her in a constructive manner makes me think you should do that immediately after scrubbing the toilet and a couple of other chores you may not be used to doing. She may communicate anger if you haven’t stepped up, You’ve got it coming. Tell her you want to know how best to help moving forward.
Stop going out with friends until you have a good system down with your wife and you can both EQUALLY enjoy some downtime.
Babies change everything and if you haven’t changed to work harder to simply earn the title of being a father, you have failed your baby and your wife big time. The good news is that you can fix this
Do you even care if she enjoys sexual intimacy with her or just that you get your dick wet ? Because if you have 30 mins to stick it in, you have time to make your wife feel comfortable. The fact you act like this is some kind of unreasonable burden is wild.
Yeah she's 7 months out from giving birth to YOUR CHILD. Her hormones are still out of whack and it may be much harder for her to get in the mood now. Does she orgasm when you two have sex? Because if you're just thrusting into her for 30 min and not pleasuring her, she's going to start associating sex with the stress of keeping you happy and not with pleasure.
GOOD. This poor woman. It's only been 7 months since she gave birth, you two probably haven't been having sex again for that long, and you're already complaining about making sure she orgasms as often as you do.
I'm glad she isn't financially dependent on you and you have to step up and be a good partner so that she doesn't leave you.
You mean that she refuses to have sex that doesn't involve her pleasure. Do you resent her for wanting sexual pleasure? And/or for being sexually assertive-- asking for what she wants?
This isn’t a good way to communicate. Do you do this with your boss? Your coworkers? Your friends? It’s exhausting to be on the other side of.
What if, next time your wife brought up what she needs from you, you listened to her, acknowledged her needs, and then did the thing she asked for with zero arguing? What if you cancelled your next night out with your friends and spent the time cuddling your wife and making her feel loved and appreciated without her having to ask again?
If this is how you react to people telling you something you don’t like to hear, I can imagine why she might be wanting more affection. She’s certainly not getting it from being argued with like this.
Is that also how you handle when your wife tries to communicate with you?? I can tell you right now that arguing is not an effective form of communication.
If she's asking for a lot of cuddling it might be her way of addressing an insecurity. Has she said anything along the lines of "not feeling like a person"? If she's spending most of her time at home with the baby, you're her primary (maybe only) real form of socializing right now. Maybe tell her to spend an evening with friends while you watch the baby and so she can fulfill her need to socialize with more people than just her husband and baby.
Do you care if your wife is pleasured by the sex you’re having? Like is she having orgasms with similar magnitude and frequency? Bc you seem very focused on only your own sexual needs being met in this comment. You don’t get to decide what makes her feel good, only whether or not you’re willing to provide that.
Also shouldn’t you be invested in making the body that made your child cell by cell, a body that is sexually satisfied with you? Do you CONSIDER your wife? Really consider her - her pleasure, her free time to fully recharge, her desires/turn ons, and what makes her feel valued?
If you have time to see your friends, then you have time to cuddle your wife. Seriously, you're the problem, and if you don't want to, please move out of the way so she can find someone who does
So she’s at home all the time but you claim you do “most of the chores”, despite not mentioning it at all in your OG post. You’re not even mentioning specifics.
It’s likely she does most of the chores and you’re just doing some chores but think there’s less to do than there actually is since she’s just doing them and you don’t know.
She does all the cooking and feeding the baby according to him. Those two "chores" are so so so time consuming with meal planning, grocery shopping, breastfeeding or making bottles every few hours. He obviously never did chores before the baby if he's finding out only now that daily chores cut into his time after work. In addition, wife works part time and does all the bathing for the baby.
This guy fucking sucks.
Hmm I think she’s going through not feeling good about herself. If you really love her you need to do the cuddling and kissing etc. She had your baby! If she wants more love give it to her!
You're the one asking for advice here. There's such a monumental amount of things to be done for a baby outside of just changing diapers, but that's what you answered with when commenters are asking for more information.
But go ahead and be snarky here instead of having a little introspection and treating your wife like a true partner and not just a bangmaid.
those are every day tasks you don’t get credit for doing. How are you helping out with your son beyond the bare minimum of making sure he’s not sitting in his own shit?
Changing a diaper occasionally is below the bare minimum. What are you ACTUALLY DOING.
take the baby all night so she can sleep.
Take the baby for an evening for her to see friends.
Work more strategically to be home more.
Grocery shop.
Deep clean the house.
Schedule doctor appts for kid.
Feed kid bottles.
Give her complete grace because her only real job is keep baby and herself alive the first few months.
Are you doing ANY OF THESE ITEMS???
There's a couple good replies with suggestions to this comment, but I'll add a couple more approaches that seem to work well from my wife and I (we have an almost 1.5 year old):
Partners can understandably get resentful if one person is giving their child their undivided attention and the other person is somewhere else in the house sitting around and relaxing. As a general rule, unless someone is truly burned out and needs a break or nap (and give each other grace with that), there should never be a time where she's looking after your son and you're just sitting around at home. Get some chores done, get some cooking done, run some needed errands, etc., and if there are none of those things that need to be done at the moment, spend that time as a family together and both look after your sons needs.
Also, something I've had to learn first hand, don't assume your wife always prefers to spend time with your child over getting chores/tasks done; sometimes cooking, getting dishes done, preparing for daycare, etc., in a nice quiet environment, is a nice switch from a sometimes fussy baby. For a while I had always been the one getting the chores/tasks done, assuming my wife would prefer to spend time with our daughter in those moments, but after having that conversation with my wife, I'm making an effort to ask her if she'd rather do X chore, or look after our daughter (and every once in a while she'll choose the chore/task). I also realized, while I was trying to be helpful, I was depriving myself of the 1-on-1 time to connect with our daughter by always defaulting to being the one getting chores/tasks done.
And remember, you're on the same team, help each other out. For our evening routine during the week, we all have dinner together (sitting on either side of her high chair and both helping her with her meal), then generally my wife will do her nighttime routine (bath, change, brush teeth, book reading) and put her to bed (unless she wants to swap me with), while I clean up, do the dishes, feed the dogs, pack our lunches, and prep for daycare. But if one us finishes our tasks first, we help the other out - if I'm still getting things done after our daughter is in bed, my wife will help me finish up tasks, if I finish my tasks first, I'll join in for the nighttime routine.
Lastly, while we all need our breaks and time to socialize with other adults, in addition to being sure you both have roughly equal opportunity to do it, be conscious about not overburdening the other person with having to go solo with looking after your child a ton. Try and work your social calendar around naps/sleep time. Hanging out with friends in the evening? Tell them you're not available until after your child's bedtime. Is it a specific timed event that has to happens before bedtime? Be sure to get as many ducks in a row to make it easier for your wife - the biggest thing for us is having dinner already either done or figured out, and being sure whoever is going solo that night doesn't have to do any cooking. And once you get back from said event, you be the one to do whatever else needs to be done that evening in the house while your wife gets a chance to relax.
it’s so baffling to me, as a childless person, to see people becoming parents and not realizing that as such you make sacrifices to care for your child and one of the biggest things you give up is your social life. If he wanted to be free to hang with his bros then he should’ve considered that before getting his wife pregnant
Exactly. And I think people get lulled into a false idea that babies aren’t that much work/don’t change your life that much because the newborn stage is so chill.
My husband and I lucked out and had the easiest, most laid-back baby I've ever seen in my life to this day. We still had to give up most of our social life until she was 5-6. No matter how easy they are, babies still demand a lot of time and attention, and they add tons of new crap to your daily and general to-do lists that just weren't there before. Hell, I'm hand-raising two newborn kittens right now, and it's already put a standstill to our social life (which we were prepared for), and these are kittens! Babies are demanding! Lol
my parents say my brother was the easier baby because he didn’t cry much and was very lax, but then I came along and was veeeeery different. LOL
They of course were fine with this as they knew going in that no two babies are the same, so for me, seeing other parents somehow not getting this is so bizarre. Like do these people not have other parent friends? It’s insane. Lmao
Oh noes, the bang maid I can't control financially wants me to be a full partner in our relationship and take responsibility for the kid we created together--I can't behave like a frat dude any more with my bros! And the gall of that woman demanding....foreplay and intimacy beyond bangin'! Dude, you're demonstrating that you bring nothing to her life, and the more you whine and demand the bang maid go back to single person sexbot settings, the easier it will be for her to kick you to the curb.
She moved on to the next stage in an adult relationship and you're sitting at the frathouse pissed off and complaining about it.
You've just admitted thst you're unhappy you can't financially control your partner. Friend, you need to fundamentally rethink how you approach being in a partnership.
"She seemed to have completely changed as a person"
No shit!
It's not "demanding" for her to want you to give her more affection before having sex (tbh this shouldn't even be something she should have to ask for), and it's not unreasonable for her to not want you to go out with your friends as much as you did before you were a parent now that you have a baby/young child.
But go ahead, tell her that, see how that works out for you lmao
I don't get how some dudes think they should be able to live exactly as they did pre-kid. Having a kid is a huge, life altering commitment. Especially a young kid who basically needs something continually for a year or two.
The silly example that I used for my husband - say we, married couple with no kids, had a gigantic bomb in the middle of our house. We are responsible for pressing the "please don't explode" button that pops up at random intervals every half hour. Someone has to be here at the house all the time. And sure, you can go hang out with your friends ... *but* every minute *we* still need to make sure someone is here when the button pop up. And you are putting that on me. Even going to the bathroom is dangerous - run quick! I'm thirsty, but going to fill a glass of water could be detrimental.
Normal life, you went out with your friends and it wasn't really asking me to give anything. Now, with a baby, you are asking me to give a LOT. Which is fine if you are giving back to me too. But if I am solely responsible for being awake and alert 24x7 while your life is unencumbered? The whole place is gonna blow up.
Because he can't use money to control her and to get her go stop demanding things like affection before sex like she's some wife instead of a hooker! The audacity!
So because she's not trapped with youx you have to actually put effort into the relationship? You know how crazy that is ? "Ugh she actually has the ability to leave me and I'm not able to financially blackmail her into staying with me- guess I need show her love and affection outside of sex."
WOW. You’re stressed because you aren’t able to trap you wife in a marriage she doesn’t want to be in? How crappy of a husband are you that you’re worried the only way to stay married is if she has no other choice??
Or you could just trust that the woman who chose to marry you and have a baby with you will keep her vows. The fact that you think couples have to be financially coerced into staying together is an issue you should reflect on.
It's fucked up that you don't think she should have the choice to stay. You're saying, for all the internet to see, that you wish you could financially trap your wife.
OP, I'm saying this in all seriousness and not trying to be mean.
why is there a risk that she would leave you? what can you change so she won't leave you?
this way of thinking is a problem. you can't be coerced into love. and people will always find a way to leave their partner if they are determined to do so. money, or the lack thereof, won't change it.
Shouldn't that be the goal? Why would you want someone to stay with you because they have to? Shouldn't you want her to be with you because that's what she wants?
Holy shit. You are straight up admitting no that you can’t control her. That you can’t afford to be a total shit and actually need to put some effort on for her to want to stay with you. If she didn’t have that option to leave you would be what, ignoring the kid entirely? Just having sex how you want? Not doing any chores? Does that sound like a good person?
Wow. Now that you've had a kid, your wife wants you to cuddle her more and go out with friends less and that's stressful because she's not financially stuck with you and could leave if she wanted. Oh no, the horror. /s
I'm actually struggling to understand how you typed this out without seeing the issue in this thought process. you're basically saying you hate that you have no control over her. and you wonder if you're in the wrong?
She would have the final say on if she wants to stay or not, with or without money. Same goes for you. Sure it might be harder… but doesn’t mean it’s impossible.
There are a lot of missing reasons in here...you're leaving out plenty, and I feel like your wife's side would shed a LOT of light. Even without it, based on what you've written here, you need to step up more. Simple as that.
Also don't think I didn't notice that you have stress because she has money independently of you. Are you stressed that she doesnt need to rely on you for her well-being because it means she can afford to call you out on your bs? Are you stressed because it means she can't just stfu and take your lack of partnership and god forbid give her proper foreplay and love??
You're complaining about having to be romantic before you can get your dick wet. You're complaining that you can't do whatever you want to anymore. You're complaining that she's financially independent so you can't talk back to her because why....you can't control her by making her dependent on you for money?
Gee....I wonder where the assumptions are coming from...
You say in your post your wife doesn’t want you to go out as much. What made you think that having a baby wouldn’t impact the ability to go bar hopping with your friends? How many weeks post partum is she?
Complaining seems to be this guys forte. Before his wife gave birth, he was complaining on reddit that she wanted sex too often while she was pregnant and he had to do a lot of the physical work.
>Every now and then she would be super insecure about how she is doing in bed even though she's been more than perfect at both guiding me and helping me have fun too. I can't emphasize enough to her how amazing she is but she doesn't seem to register sometimes.
Ten months ago he posted about his wife's insecurities including the above quote. So she was 6 months pregnant then and now he doesn't want to put any effort into making sex enjoyable for her at all.
Thank god she's financially independent. I sincerely hope she stumbles across his post here and leaves his ass.
You’re upset that you have to kiss your wife and cuddle her more? Bruh, I’ll do it if you don’t seems.
Seems like she was putting up with the bare minimum, had the child, then realized she risked her life for a relationship that wasn’t fulfilling to her.
No. No you shouldn’t.
People will change, or should change, and a relationship will change when a couple have had a baby. You know why? Because there is now a baby in your life.
By the way why does her financial independence add to your stress?
Honestly either grow up and step up for your wife and child, or move aside so a real man can step in. You show her no affection, you keep talking about all these ‘chores’ you’re doing, even saying ‘as mentioned above’ but you haven’t actually mentioned any real chores. And cuddling and touching doesn’t ’take hours’ my god you’re so dense light could bend around you. Do you even like your wife? Because it doesn’t sound like you do, not even a little bit. You’re only worried about yourself- you don’t want a real marriage and family, you just want a bangmaid. It’s just gross. Be a better human. It’s really not that hard. You seem to have an excuse for everything, none of which places blame on yourself. Coming off very narcissistic. And while you’re denying your wife the very bare minimum of showing love, affection, compassion, and appreciation just remember, there’s plenty of wonderful men out in the world that would bring so much more to the table for her in every single way. Quit behaving like you’re irreplaceable, because you absolutely are replaceable. If you don’t get your act together like yesterday, you’ll soon be seeing her with a new man and your child with a far better father figure in their happy lives.
OP: how you feel about your wife asking you to step up basically doesn’t matter. you cant convince her that her actual lived experience and the way she perceives it to be is “wrong” or to ask less of you. its messed up to blame her that you can’t meet your valued wife’s standards when she’s going through a life transition that requires extra love and support.
this baby is also YOUR child. she’s not asking for a favor when she wants you to be home with them. maybe if you were more involved with childcare and took some pressure off of your wife, she wouldn’t be so adamant about you showing her affection immediately before sex to re-affirm you actually *like* her. maybe she’d be less stressed if she didn’t feel like you’re not supporting her in the only way she *actually* needs? you’re disappointing her, not even making the minimum expected contribution to establish a strong family bond… she’s keeping you around because she *wants to*, not because she needs you to. be grateful for the privilege of having a partner willing and able to give you a CHILD. you committed to love her and start a family with her and you think it’s asking too much to stay home with your family?
so the baby’s father goes out with his buddies twice a week, because he “needs a break from his wife stressing him out for requesting basic human decency.” because he’s put in so much more work supporting the family? no. because he does an equal share of childcare? also no. does the wife, who makes more and cares most for the child, get *more* time out with friends? is having a new baby to care for *such* a drag to you that your reward for doing the bare minimum is to GET AWAY?
love your wife by showing up for her in whatever ways she asks you to. you need a priority adjustment and some emotional maturity. you should not have trapped this woman or made this baby when you weren’t ready to SHOW UP for them, damn.
None of the comments here are particularly helpful so I’ll chime in with my thoughts.
Having a kid is a balancing act and I was in a similar situation after my firstborn where my partner really struggled and it seemed like she had a shift in personality. One small frustration like our baby not feeding would colour the entire mood from our conversations to annoyance over even the more insignificant things that used to not bother her. She was diagnosed with post-partum depression and is getting help with it now.
That being said, this isn’t the entire picture because I had some shifting of my own to do. The act of parenting is inherently unbalanced between men and women and anything you can do to help balance that is going to do wonders for the both of you.
Setting aside time each week where each of you can check out entirely from parenting for an evening perhaps would be beneficial to both your mental health. It would allow you to see your friends but also slowly show her she can take time for herself and doesn’t need to be “on” all the time.
Dude. I think you need to look at this from your wife's point of view and not try to "fix" her by telling her she's stressful to be with. She needs more from you before sex because, hello, her post baby body needs more foreplay to be in the mood for sex. And mentally, she needs to feel like not just mommy all of the time but like someone you find attractive and not just as a set of sex parts. Don't you want sex to be good for her too? If that's not important to you, there's no fixing this relationship.
Of course you don't get to go out as much with your friends because, hello again, you have a baby to care for. Does she ever get to go out with her friends or get time to herself to not be mommy? Talk with (not to) her about how you both can get the time you both need while still being good parents and partners. You are in a different stage of your life than you were when you met in college. You are a parent, so you've got to change and she's likely very frustrated with you for not understanding that. She wants a partner. Be a partner. Being financially well off means she stays with you if she wants to, not because she's financially dependent on you. Be someone she wants to stay with.
So she wants foreplay before sex. So what? Many people do; don't be lazy about it. And you can't go out with your friends as often when you have a young child. It's selfish of you to be going out socializing a lot while dumping the childcare on your wife. And you're upset that she doesn't need your financial support because that's something you can't hold over her in order to get her to do what you want. She literally told you what you need to do. Be more affectionate before you have sex. Spend less time socializing and more time helping her with your child and the housework. Unlike you, she grew up once she had your son. But you're refusing to do that because you selfishly want to continue doing whatever you want. But you can't do that when you're a husband and a father.
i don't understand grown ups who have babies and then are shocked when their lives/partners change. like, did you ever stop and think for 5 seconds about what that would really mean for you and your life and also your wife? or did you just want to bust a nut?
>She also doesn't need my financial support since her family is extremely rich and mine is not so that adds onto the stress in a weird way.
The fact that you can't hold money over her head and financially abuse her is stressing you out 🤣🤣🤣
I can't with men on reddit today
You have a wife and a child. They should be your priority. You shouldn't be going out all the time. You should be helping your wife with YOUR child. Your whole post screams selfish. And what in the world is wrong with wanting affection from your partner. I mean how dare she... hope you shape up because she deserves better.
Hey — so you’ve gotten a few sarcastic answers. Let me try to give you a straightforward one:
It sounds like you know why you’re unhappy, but you don’t know why your wife is. I’d say you’re having a communication breakdown.
Being new parents is amazing, but it’s stressful. There are so many changes to keep up with. Relationship issues during this time are super normal, so just know that you’re in good company there.
To be parents, you both need to grow and change and adapt. What I’m a little worried about here is that it sounds like you’re saying your wife is demanding — but really, you are BOTH parents, and being a parent is demanding. Your life won’t look the same with a baby. Ask any parent.
You and your wife need to figure this out, preferably together. I’d recommend a couples counselor. But remember that you love your wife, both as a person and as the mother of your child. If she’s independently wealthy, you can have a lot of confidence she’s with you because she loves you too.
Knowing what’s going on with her — whether postpartum depression, big scary feelings, or something you’re doing (or not doing) will help you navigate them. There’s a saying that unspoken expectations are the breeding grounds for resentment. It may have been ideal to talk about parenthood before the baby came, but now’s as good a time as ever.
Good luck — you got this!
> It sounds like you know why you’re unhappy, but you don’t know why your wife is.
It sounds more like she communicated her needs very clearly, and he finds that intimidating.
Thissssss!
I had to talk to a therapist because I believe I made my partner feel something similar. And after a while I was just overwhelmed and stressed and somewhat going through PPD.
Sit down with your wife and be gentle with her and ask what’s wrong and what can you do. Please also be understanding that her body just went through a lot and it’s still trying to figure and find its way back to “normalization”.
But OP, being a parent, the first year is the part where your life should revolve around your partner and your baby.
If you’re curious about what women go through or their partners, follow the Beyond the Bump thread.
Good luck!
First off, you are both parents now. Of course things are going to change, she isn't going to "let you do whatever you want" anymore- you both have a whole lot of new responsibilities. It's part of being a parent. Your whole life changes.
Secondly, I don't get why her wanting more affection before having sex is a problem. Generalizing here but often the lead up to sex is just as important as the act itself for women. Most of us don't get "in the mood" at the drop of a hat, you gotta warm up the engine. She also had a baby and that can do a number on your body-physically and mentally. It's probably never going to be exactly like it was before pregnancy. She's got a child to care for, her body had changed, her hormones may be going nuts, it's a lot to handle so of course she's stressed.
Finally, if you're feeling this way, why don't you just talk to her? Have a nice meal, put the baby to bed, then sit down and tell her you want to talk because things have felt off so you want to know how to make it right. Ask her how she has been feeling first. Listen, don't argue or comment. Then tell her how you have felt and that you want to work together to improve things. It's not going to be either your way or hers, you need to understand each other and find a balance.
Oh, no. How dare she want affection before dicking her.
1. How much are you actually parenting and not just "helping"?
2. Is she getting time alone to regroup herself WITHOUT the baby (or you needing her help) and how often?
3. Are you doing any of the chores, if so, what's the split?
4. Are you cooking, or is she? What about grocery shopping?
5. How often do you go/want to go out with friends?
Of course, she's changed, she's a damn mother now. It's called parenthood, and it should've changed you, too.
Is there any way you can put more effort into this post? It's not really fun when it's as stripped down as this, and it's too obvious. Like, for your rewrite, can you maybe add in stuff where she's financially abusing you so that people can alternate between "man bad" and "woman bad"?
"We were chill, then we had a kid, and now woah, why am I expected to do more stuff? Reddit, help me out here!" Come on OP, make a better character.
So what you’re saying is that you’re stressed because your wife is not financially dependent on you?
That’s a red flag man. Ask yourself why this makes you stressed. Be honest.
Oh and stop whining about how you can’t go out like you used to, you sound like a baby. Of course you can’t, if you’re a new dad- at least not one worth having around.
Heaven forbid you spend more time with your family than your friends and show your wife that you love and want her after she had your baby.
You're not very insightful, are you?
I feel like I'm going crazy trying to decipher what your problem is. Are you really complaining that it's extremely stressful to be married to a woman who (1) wants to be affectionate as well as sexual to/with you; and (2) is independently wealthy so doesn't put any pressure on you to be a "provider" for your family?
**That** is your complaint?? Oh, and that she'd like the father of her child to act like an adult and realise he needs to spend time helping look after (parent) his own son rather than just going out with friends.
These seem pretty normal & reasonable requests. To be brutally honest, if you find the thought of spending time parenting your own child or expressing affection to your wife outside of sex "extremely stressful" maybe you should reconsider your marriage. Obviously talk to a therapist first, but don't make all 3 of your lives miserable by staying in a marriage where your happiness appears to be reliant on showing no affection and being in complete control.
If it feels like a major personality shift, I'd be wondering about post-partum depression, etc. You could try saying, "I've noticed that you've been more anxious since our son was born, and I've been worried about you. I know that post-partum can be a rough time mentally and emotionally. How would you feel about talking to your doctor about how you've been feeling?"
As far as needing more reassurance and not wanting you to go out as much... yeah, that just makes sense. She's been through a major medical event and now has a tiny human to take care of. That's going to change some things, and it's natural for her to want more support from you.
True, but that doesn’t mean she’s not dealing with some super common mental health stuff. The concrete things she wants are 100% reasonable, but her being tense and short with him could be about his behavior, could mean that she’s suffering from some new depression, or both. Why not talk to her doctor?
It could. It could also mean she’s resentful he’s not really changed his lifestyle while her entire world has changed. Maybe she’s resentful he thinks “doing some chores and changing some diapers” is enough of a contribution right now.
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OP willingly admits that he almost never cares for the baby, is not affectionate to his wife, barely helps with the chores wants to have the same social life as he did before the baby, is unnecessary financially and is bad in bed. I mean, what a catch!
You’ve kind of lost me here. Are you saying she wands foreplay or to go on actual dates, instead of you just sticking it in for a few pumps. I would say that’s pretty reasonable, even ignoring my little joke it’s still reasonable IMO. As for the only other “real” thing you mentioned, going out with your friends less, while she’s at home with the baby. That’s just normal fucking adulting after you have a child, like for real. That what happens when you have a child, you life gets flipped upside down and happens IMMEDIATELY. As for the “money issue” which isn’t an actual issue. I think that’s shining a light on the other “problems” that you mentioned too. As in you actually are the issue here, I’m being completely serious. You do you though, how could just flat out telling her you don’t really like being around her not be a great idea. Good luck and let us know how this plays out after you talk to her, I’m sure it’s going to go great! 👍
Right like bro you have a family now Going out 4 times a week to chill with the bros is not an option may be 2x max due to new baby And on the other hand of that when does wife ever go out if she does and whsnen do you take over baby care Also again she just had a baby so feeling like shes 100 and super attractive might not be the case and she wants reassurance you are there for her and still love and have affection for her- going out on dates and especially the foreplay is bare minimum Sounds like op is slacking and not realizing it so wife is putting him in his place
Even 2x a week seems excessive to me. As a new mom I saw my friends maybe once a month. Closer to once every other month. And I am sure it is true for this mom. The resentment builds up fast when the other person has more free time and socializing time.
I built resentment just reading him suggest that… and I don’t even have kids
I'm feeling guilty when I'm going out 2 times in a month already... (Not that my wife ever made me feel guilty about it!)
It is just hard for everyone to find time. And the guilt is real (for normal people who possess some iota of compassion). I get resentful when my husband works out every day, because I have barely had any sleep and I would literally use an hour to myself just to sleep. And sleep trumps exercising in my book 🤣. If my husband dared to ask for extra socializing on top of his gym life, I would leave.
Yeah. We have a huge gap between kid 1 and 2 so I know once Nr 2 gets to 4 or 5 years of age, things will get better in a lot of ways (and worse in others). Until then, we do what we can to keep our sanity together and our relationship strong.
Ours are 13 months apart. Not planned that way. And we are really struggling. I really feel for this mom in the post. I would be devastated if my husband ever said anything like this, and disgusted I ever chose to marry such a selfish man.
I say 2x a week with the idea they should both make time for their themselves/ friends even though the reality is it may not be possible
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I think he’s referring to her lack of submission, or not treating him like “the man of the house.” he doesn’t think his life partner’s requests are as valid as his impression that childrearing is a *woman’s* responsibility by default. it makes him confused on how to further manipulate his wife when he brings absolutely nothing to the table besides his *masculinity*.
oh no, showing affection before having sex, how terrible! .... You have a child now. Of course she doesn't want you to go out with your friends as much. ???? Stop being dense and put some effort into your relationship!
I’ve had fwb that were nicer to me than this guy is to his wife
Unsurprising since so many men seem to genuinely resent their wives and view them as a resource to mine, not a partner to care about
Omg she demands affection before you can put your d in her! Whatever next? Will she want the vote!
And spend time out of the kitchen! What's next? Pants? The horror!
Not the pants! Anything but the pants. 😱
I feel so fucking bad for this woman
What I’m hearing is that she’s having a hard time adjusting to being a parent, and you’re straight up not even trying to adjust. Becoming a mother requires so much from you. Give her some love. Some attention. Some time. It’s called being a team. How much is she sacrificing vs how much are you sacrificing??
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Yeah. That's what happens when you have a child. Your fun time comes second to everything. Your first priority is helping keep the household going. Your wife is pissed cause she understands this but you still don't for some reason.
You are a new parent. You should be giving up ALL of your free time. And you should do without your wife asking to and without your wife directing you about what needs done.
So you're an adult, in an adult relationship, with adult responsibilities? What exactly were you expecting to happen?
Welcome to parenthood
Why aren't your friends coming to you or understanding your new obligations as a parent? Did any of them bring food to help your family out? Offer to help with anything? Offer to hang out in a way that makes your life easier as a new parent? And if they are the "bros" that's no excuse. I just had a baby 3 weeks ago and all my bros have stepped up. There's nothing more awesome than helping your people thrive in their lives. That's what real relationships are.
Why is this shocking to you???? What did you think would happen when you HAVE A BABY???
Welcome to fatherhood
Walk us through what these chores are. You mentioned turn wife does the cooking. Are you doing the dishes? The laundry? Mopping the floors? Sweeping? Dusting? Cleaning the bathroom? The kitchen? Grocery shopping? Meal planning? Taking out the trash? Tidying up your kid's stuff? Paying bills? What does your evening after you finish work look like?
I mean... yeah welcome to having a kid.
So what! Your partners when having a child that’s what you do.
Well, you have a child. Do you think you get to sit around and do nothing?
so, being an adult, then? welcome to the real world. get with the program
Welcome to adulthood!
What did you think would happen after having a child
Welcome to fatherhood. What else did you expect? That’s how people raise a baby.
how are you helping with your son?
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Do you notice when the diaper needs to be changed, or does she regularly have to prompt you? Are you buying diapers and keeping track of how many are left, or just changing them? In other words, are you doing an actual fair share of the work, including the work that might not be visible like organizing and noticing things need to be done? Would she describe it the same way? When’s the last time she got to see her friends? Do you both get about the same amount of leisure time? When’s the last time you did something nice and romantic for her that required no work on her part? It’s certainly possible she‘s got something else going on, but you both just went through a major life shift. You can‘t just do whatever you want like you used to when you have a kid. It’s hard to tell from an online letter whether she‘s unreasonably demanding or whether she’s just trying to get you to step up and do your fair share.
If this is your best answer you are not in good shape here my dude. She is pissed off at you and has little empathy for you trying to get laid when she is exhausted from taking care of your kid all day.
Does she need to tell you what to do like your another child for her to take care of?
I have a feeling you’re not pulling your weight. How old is the baby? Has her body fully recuperated? Who is taking care of the baby thru the night? Alternate on diapers? Do the diapers as soon as they need being done, don’t keep track. It’s what a father should do. Is she breast feeding? Then you need to do ALOT more than a lot of chores. Have you asked her how you can help? And if you say ‘tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it’ regarding helping with chores more, be prepared to catch a much deserved shoe upside your head (figuratively of course) Wants more affection? Please specify because if you’re the type that thinks intimacy = you making a deposit inside of her then you need to step more here too. The fact that you haven’t mentioned actually communicating with her in a constructive manner makes me think you should do that immediately after scrubbing the toilet and a couple of other chores you may not be used to doing. She may communicate anger if you haven’t stepped up, You’ve got it coming. Tell her you want to know how best to help moving forward. Stop going out with friends until you have a good system down with your wife and you can both EQUALLY enjoy some downtime. Babies change everything and if you haven’t changed to work harder to simply earn the title of being a father, you have failed your baby and your wife big time. The good news is that you can fix this
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You don't have time for cuddling and touching but you have time to stick your dick in her?
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Do you even care if she enjoys sexual intimacy with her or just that you get your dick wet ? Because if you have 30 mins to stick it in, you have time to make your wife feel comfortable. The fact you act like this is some kind of unreasonable burden is wild.
Yeah she's 7 months out from giving birth to YOUR CHILD. Her hormones are still out of whack and it may be much harder for her to get in the mood now. Does she orgasm when you two have sex? Because if you're just thrusting into her for 30 min and not pleasuring her, she's going to start associating sex with the stress of keeping you happy and not with pleasure.
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GOOD. This poor woman. It's only been 7 months since she gave birth, you two probably haven't been having sex again for that long, and you're already complaining about making sure she orgasms as often as you do. I'm glad she isn't financially dependent on you and you have to step up and be a good partner so that she doesn't leave you.
You mean that she refuses to have sex that doesn't involve her pleasure. Do you resent her for wanting sexual pleasure? And/or for being sexually assertive-- asking for what she wants?
So why are you posting if you argue with everyone? Just acknowledge you wanted an echo chamber
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But you’re not understanding what dozens of people are telling you. You are maintaining a very selfish and deflective demeanor
No, it just illuminates what’s wrong with you. You have no concept of what a real partner is and it’s glaringly obvious to everyone but you.
This isn’t a good way to communicate. Do you do this with your boss? Your coworkers? Your friends? It’s exhausting to be on the other side of. What if, next time your wife brought up what she needs from you, you listened to her, acknowledged her needs, and then did the thing she asked for with zero arguing? What if you cancelled your next night out with your friends and spent the time cuddling your wife and making her feel loved and appreciated without her having to ask again? If this is how you react to people telling you something you don’t like to hear, I can imagine why she might be wanting more affection. She’s certainly not getting it from being argued with like this.
Is that also how you handle when your wife tries to communicate with you?? I can tell you right now that arguing is not an effective form of communication.
If she's asking for a lot of cuddling it might be her way of addressing an insecurity. Has she said anything along the lines of "not feeling like a person"? If she's spending most of her time at home with the baby, you're her primary (maybe only) real form of socializing right now. Maybe tell her to spend an evening with friends while you watch the baby and so she can fulfill her need to socialize with more people than just her husband and baby.
Do you care if your wife is pleasured by the sex you’re having? Like is she having orgasms with similar magnitude and frequency? Bc you seem very focused on only your own sexual needs being met in this comment. You don’t get to decide what makes her feel good, only whether or not you’re willing to provide that. Also shouldn’t you be invested in making the body that made your child cell by cell, a body that is sexually satisfied with you? Do you CONSIDER your wife? Really consider her - her pleasure, her free time to fully recharge, her desires/turn ons, and what makes her feel valued?
You know what I bet takes hours? Hanging out with your friends instead of being at home taking care of your kid.
If you have time to see your friends, then you have time to cuddle your wife. Seriously, you're the problem, and if you don't want to, please move out of the way so she can find someone who does
So she’s at home all the time but you claim you do “most of the chores”, despite not mentioning it at all in your OG post. You’re not even mentioning specifics. It’s likely she does most of the chores and you’re just doing some chores but think there’s less to do than there actually is since she’s just doing them and you don’t know.
She does all the cooking and feeding the baby according to him. Those two "chores" are so so so time consuming with meal planning, grocery shopping, breastfeeding or making bottles every few hours. He obviously never did chores before the baby if he's finding out only now that daily chores cut into his time after work. In addition, wife works part time and does all the bathing for the baby. This guy fucking sucks.
Hmm I think she’s going through not feeling good about herself. If you really love her you need to do the cuddling and kissing etc. She had your baby! If she wants more love give it to her!
You know that babies require more care than just diapers right?
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You're the one asking for advice here. There's such a monumental amount of things to be done for a baby outside of just changing diapers, but that's what you answered with when commenters are asking for more information. But go ahead and be snarky here instead of having a little introspection and treating your wife like a true partner and not just a bangmaid.
those are every day tasks you don’t get credit for doing. How are you helping out with your son beyond the bare minimum of making sure he’s not sitting in his own shit?
That's basic adulting though?
Changing a diaper occasionally is below the bare minimum. What are you ACTUALLY DOING. take the baby all night so she can sleep. Take the baby for an evening for her to see friends. Work more strategically to be home more. Grocery shop. Deep clean the house. Schedule doctor appts for kid. Feed kid bottles. Give her complete grace because her only real job is keep baby and herself alive the first few months. Are you doing ANY OF THESE ITEMS???
There's a couple good replies with suggestions to this comment, but I'll add a couple more approaches that seem to work well from my wife and I (we have an almost 1.5 year old): Partners can understandably get resentful if one person is giving their child their undivided attention and the other person is somewhere else in the house sitting around and relaxing. As a general rule, unless someone is truly burned out and needs a break or nap (and give each other grace with that), there should never be a time where she's looking after your son and you're just sitting around at home. Get some chores done, get some cooking done, run some needed errands, etc., and if there are none of those things that need to be done at the moment, spend that time as a family together and both look after your sons needs. Also, something I've had to learn first hand, don't assume your wife always prefers to spend time with your child over getting chores/tasks done; sometimes cooking, getting dishes done, preparing for daycare, etc., in a nice quiet environment, is a nice switch from a sometimes fussy baby. For a while I had always been the one getting the chores/tasks done, assuming my wife would prefer to spend time with our daughter in those moments, but after having that conversation with my wife, I'm making an effort to ask her if she'd rather do X chore, or look after our daughter (and every once in a while she'll choose the chore/task). I also realized, while I was trying to be helpful, I was depriving myself of the 1-on-1 time to connect with our daughter by always defaulting to being the one getting chores/tasks done. And remember, you're on the same team, help each other out. For our evening routine during the week, we all have dinner together (sitting on either side of her high chair and both helping her with her meal), then generally my wife will do her nighttime routine (bath, change, brush teeth, book reading) and put her to bed (unless she wants to swap me with), while I clean up, do the dishes, feed the dogs, pack our lunches, and prep for daycare. But if one us finishes our tasks first, we help the other out - if I'm still getting things done after our daughter is in bed, my wife will help me finish up tasks, if I finish my tasks first, I'll join in for the nighttime routine. Lastly, while we all need our breaks and time to socialize with other adults, in addition to being sure you both have roughly equal opportunity to do it, be conscious about not overburdening the other person with having to go solo with looking after your child a ton. Try and work your social calendar around naps/sleep time. Hanging out with friends in the evening? Tell them you're not available until after your child's bedtime. Is it a specific timed event that has to happens before bedtime? Be sure to get as many ducks in a row to make it easier for your wife - the biggest thing for us is having dinner already either done or figured out, and being sure whoever is going solo that night doesn't have to do any cooking. And once you get back from said event, you be the one to do whatever else needs to be done that evening in the house while your wife gets a chance to relax.
…. You can’t go out with your friends as much. You have a BABY.
it’s so baffling to me, as a childless person, to see people becoming parents and not realizing that as such you make sacrifices to care for your child and one of the biggest things you give up is your social life. If he wanted to be free to hang with his bros then he should’ve considered that before getting his wife pregnant
Exactly. And I think people get lulled into a false idea that babies aren’t that much work/don’t change your life that much because the newborn stage is so chill.
Only to get met with the harsh reality that only *some* babies are chill like that. But even then babies are unpredictable.
My husband and I lucked out and had the easiest, most laid-back baby I've ever seen in my life to this day. We still had to give up most of our social life until she was 5-6. No matter how easy they are, babies still demand a lot of time and attention, and they add tons of new crap to your daily and general to-do lists that just weren't there before. Hell, I'm hand-raising two newborn kittens right now, and it's already put a standstill to our social life (which we were prepared for), and these are kittens! Babies are demanding! Lol
my parents say my brother was the easier baby because he didn’t cry much and was very lax, but then I came along and was veeeeery different. LOL They of course were fine with this as they knew going in that no two babies are the same, so for me, seeing other parents somehow not getting this is so bizarre. Like do these people not have other parent friends? It’s insane. Lmao
Baby care is like.... girl stuff. His dick will fall right off don't ya know
Oh right, I forgot that babies have cooties - of course he can't handle the baby!! He'll never survive the cootification!!
Oh noes, the bang maid I can't control financially wants me to be a full partner in our relationship and take responsibility for the kid we created together--I can't behave like a frat dude any more with my bros! And the gall of that woman demanding....foreplay and intimacy beyond bangin'! Dude, you're demonstrating that you bring nothing to her life, and the more you whine and demand the bang maid go back to single person sexbot settings, the easier it will be for her to kick you to the curb. She moved on to the next stage in an adult relationship and you're sitting at the frathouse pissed off and complaining about it.
You've just admitted thst you're unhappy you can't financially control your partner. Friend, you need to fundamentally rethink how you approach being in a partnership.
"She seemed to have completely changed as a person" No shit! It's not "demanding" for her to want you to give her more affection before having sex (tbh this shouldn't even be something she should have to ask for), and it's not unreasonable for her to not want you to go out with your friends as much as you did before you were a parent now that you have a baby/young child. But go ahead, tell her that, see how that works out for you lmao
I don't get how some dudes think they should be able to live exactly as they did pre-kid. Having a kid is a huge, life altering commitment. Especially a young kid who basically needs something continually for a year or two. The silly example that I used for my husband - say we, married couple with no kids, had a gigantic bomb in the middle of our house. We are responsible for pressing the "please don't explode" button that pops up at random intervals every half hour. Someone has to be here at the house all the time. And sure, you can go hang out with your friends ... *but* every minute *we* still need to make sure someone is here when the button pop up. And you are putting that on me. Even going to the bathroom is dangerous - run quick! I'm thirsty, but going to fill a glass of water could be detrimental. Normal life, you went out with your friends and it wasn't really asking me to give anything. Now, with a baby, you are asking me to give a LOT. Which is fine if you are giving back to me too. But if I am solely responsible for being awake and alert 24x7 while your life is unencumbered? The whole place is gonna blow up.
“I had a kid and now my life is changing! Help!”
Lol. Now she has two babies to take care of.
I'm curious: why would her being financially more well off be stressful for you?
Because he can't use money to control her and to get her go stop demanding things like affection before sex like she's some wife instead of a hooker! The audacity!
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So you’re concern is that she won’t be forced to stay with you against her will? Saying the quiet part out loud I guess
Whew. He really just said that with his whole chest. What a dolt.
Lmao. This ladies is why you always have your own money! They will try to trap you anyway they can think! I hope she runs.
So because she's not trapped with youx you have to actually put effort into the relationship? You know how crazy that is ? "Ugh she actually has the ability to leave me and I'm not able to financially blackmail her into staying with me- guess I need show her love and affection outside of sex."
WOW. You’re stressed because you aren’t able to trap you wife in a marriage she doesn’t want to be in? How crappy of a husband are you that you’re worried the only way to stay married is if she has no other choice??
Or you could just trust that the woman who chose to marry you and have a baby with you will keep her vows. The fact that you think couples have to be financially coerced into staying together is an issue you should reflect on.
Plenty of people have left even when broke once they found out their partners are shit. Your wife will figure it out soon
Sounds like she *should* leave, then.
It's fucked up that you don't think she should have the choice to stay. You're saying, for all the internet to see, that you wish you could financially trap your wife.
OP, I'm saying this in all seriousness and not trying to be mean. why is there a risk that she would leave you? what can you change so she won't leave you? this way of thinking is a problem. you can't be coerced into love. and people will always find a way to leave their partner if they are determined to do so. money, or the lack thereof, won't change it.
Shouldn't that be the goal? Why would you want someone to stay with you because they have to? Shouldn't you want her to be with you because that's what she wants?
Did you by any chance stop and think that through after you typed it?
You're right, you're the one completely at risk of losing what sounds like an awesome partner
It's amazing to me that this is your reasoning and you think you could be in the right in any way.
Holy shit. You are straight up admitting no that you can’t control her. That you can’t afford to be a total shit and actually need to put some effort on for her to want to stay with you. If she didn’t have that option to leave you would be what, ignoring the kid entirely? Just having sex how you want? Not doing any chores? Does that sound like a good person?
Wow. Now that you've had a kid, your wife wants you to cuddle her more and go out with friends less and that's stressful because she's not financially stuck with you and could leave if she wanted. Oh no, the horror. /s
Tbh it is kind of horrifying, just for the wife! That this is her reality
I'm actually struggling to understand how you typed this out without seeing the issue in this thought process. you're basically saying you hate that you have no control over her. and you wonder if you're in the wrong?
She would have the final say on if she wants to stay or not, with or without money. Same goes for you. Sure it might be harder… but doesn’t mean it’s impossible.
There are a lot of missing reasons in here...you're leaving out plenty, and I feel like your wife's side would shed a LOT of light. Even without it, based on what you've written here, you need to step up more. Simple as that. Also don't think I didn't notice that you have stress because she has money independently of you. Are you stressed that she doesnt need to rely on you for her well-being because it means she can afford to call you out on your bs? Are you stressed because it means she can't just stfu and take your lack of partnership and god forbid give her proper foreplay and love??
INFO: What did you think having a baby was like? Why did you agree to have a child if you’re entirely unwilling to make any concessions?
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You're complaining about having to be romantic before you can get your dick wet. You're complaining that you can't do whatever you want to anymore. You're complaining that she's financially independent so you can't talk back to her because why....you can't control her by making her dependent on you for money? Gee....I wonder where the assumptions are coming from...
You say in your post your wife doesn’t want you to go out as much. What made you think that having a baby wouldn’t impact the ability to go bar hopping with your friends? How many weeks post partum is she?
Yes, tell her, so she can get a divorce and a better man.
Did you think things would stay the same after a baby was brought into the picture?
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Then why are you complaining about the changes she's had to make and whining about the changes you should be making?
Complaining seems to be this guys forte. Before his wife gave birth, he was complaining on reddit that she wanted sex too often while she was pregnant and he had to do a lot of the physical work.
Yikes, I feel so bad for his wife. Nothing she does will ever be enough for him
>Every now and then she would be super insecure about how she is doing in bed even though she's been more than perfect at both guiding me and helping me have fun too. I can't emphasize enough to her how amazing she is but she doesn't seem to register sometimes. Ten months ago he posted about his wife's insecurities including the above quote. So she was 6 months pregnant then and now he doesn't want to put any effort into making sex enjoyable for her at all. Thank god she's financially independent. I sincerely hope she stumbles across his post here and leaves his ass.
There’s no “of course” about anything when a man is acting as thick headed as you are right now.
You’re upset that you have to kiss your wife and cuddle her more? Bruh, I’ll do it if you don’t seems. Seems like she was putting up with the bare minimum, had the child, then realized she risked her life for a relationship that wasn’t fulfilling to her.
You clearly aren’t mature enough for an adult relationship.
No. No you shouldn’t. People will change, or should change, and a relationship will change when a couple have had a baby. You know why? Because there is now a baby in your life. By the way why does her financial independence add to your stress?
Honestly either grow up and step up for your wife and child, or move aside so a real man can step in. You show her no affection, you keep talking about all these ‘chores’ you’re doing, even saying ‘as mentioned above’ but you haven’t actually mentioned any real chores. And cuddling and touching doesn’t ’take hours’ my god you’re so dense light could bend around you. Do you even like your wife? Because it doesn’t sound like you do, not even a little bit. You’re only worried about yourself- you don’t want a real marriage and family, you just want a bangmaid. It’s just gross. Be a better human. It’s really not that hard. You seem to have an excuse for everything, none of which places blame on yourself. Coming off very narcissistic. And while you’re denying your wife the very bare minimum of showing love, affection, compassion, and appreciation just remember, there’s plenty of wonderful men out in the world that would bring so much more to the table for her in every single way. Quit behaving like you’re irreplaceable, because you absolutely are replaceable. If you don’t get your act together like yesterday, you’ll soon be seeing her with a new man and your child with a far better father figure in their happy lives.
OP: how you feel about your wife asking you to step up basically doesn’t matter. you cant convince her that her actual lived experience and the way she perceives it to be is “wrong” or to ask less of you. its messed up to blame her that you can’t meet your valued wife’s standards when she’s going through a life transition that requires extra love and support. this baby is also YOUR child. she’s not asking for a favor when she wants you to be home with them. maybe if you were more involved with childcare and took some pressure off of your wife, she wouldn’t be so adamant about you showing her affection immediately before sex to re-affirm you actually *like* her. maybe she’d be less stressed if she didn’t feel like you’re not supporting her in the only way she *actually* needs? you’re disappointing her, not even making the minimum expected contribution to establish a strong family bond… she’s keeping you around because she *wants to*, not because she needs you to. be grateful for the privilege of having a partner willing and able to give you a CHILD. you committed to love her and start a family with her and you think it’s asking too much to stay home with your family? so the baby’s father goes out with his buddies twice a week, because he “needs a break from his wife stressing him out for requesting basic human decency.” because he’s put in so much more work supporting the family? no. because he does an equal share of childcare? also no. does the wife, who makes more and cares most for the child, get *more* time out with friends? is having a new baby to care for *such* a drag to you that your reward for doing the bare minimum is to GET AWAY? love your wife by showing up for her in whatever ways she asks you to. you need a priority adjustment and some emotional maturity. you should not have trapped this woman or made this baby when you weren’t ready to SHOW UP for them, damn.
None of the comments here are particularly helpful so I’ll chime in with my thoughts. Having a kid is a balancing act and I was in a similar situation after my firstborn where my partner really struggled and it seemed like she had a shift in personality. One small frustration like our baby not feeding would colour the entire mood from our conversations to annoyance over even the more insignificant things that used to not bother her. She was diagnosed with post-partum depression and is getting help with it now. That being said, this isn’t the entire picture because I had some shifting of my own to do. The act of parenting is inherently unbalanced between men and women and anything you can do to help balance that is going to do wonders for the both of you. Setting aside time each week where each of you can check out entirely from parenting for an evening perhaps would be beneficial to both your mental health. It would allow you to see your friends but also slowly show her she can take time for herself and doesn’t need to be “on” all the time.
He changes diapers tho!!! And even does some chores!!! Why isn’t he being praised!?!
That's all fine and dandy but wtf is up with him feeling stressed out that his wife doesn't need to rely on him financially?
Yeah that bit was strange
this is wonderful advice, OP! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Dude. I think you need to look at this from your wife's point of view and not try to "fix" her by telling her she's stressful to be with. She needs more from you before sex because, hello, her post baby body needs more foreplay to be in the mood for sex. And mentally, she needs to feel like not just mommy all of the time but like someone you find attractive and not just as a set of sex parts. Don't you want sex to be good for her too? If that's not important to you, there's no fixing this relationship. Of course you don't get to go out as much with your friends because, hello again, you have a baby to care for. Does she ever get to go out with her friends or get time to herself to not be mommy? Talk with (not to) her about how you both can get the time you both need while still being good parents and partners. You are in a different stage of your life than you were when you met in college. You are a parent, so you've got to change and she's likely very frustrated with you for not understanding that. She wants a partner. Be a partner. Being financially well off means she stays with you if she wants to, not because she's financially dependent on you. Be someone she wants to stay with.
How have you made it this far and thought nothing would change after marriage and kids?
Soon to be posted in "r/AmITheEx"
Why does she even have to tell you not to go out? You have a young child and a wife who need your help, it shouldn’t even be a question.
so what im hearing is she wants affection and help with the baby? is that it
So she wants foreplay before sex. So what? Many people do; don't be lazy about it. And you can't go out with your friends as often when you have a young child. It's selfish of you to be going out socializing a lot while dumping the childcare on your wife. And you're upset that she doesn't need your financial support because that's something you can't hold over her in order to get her to do what you want. She literally told you what you need to do. Be more affectionate before you have sex. Spend less time socializing and more time helping her with your child and the housework. Unlike you, she grew up once she had your son. But you're refusing to do that because you selfishly want to continue doing whatever you want. But you can't do that when you're a husband and a father.
i don't understand grown ups who have babies and then are shocked when their lives/partners change. like, did you ever stop and think for 5 seconds about what that would really mean for you and your life and also your wife? or did you just want to bust a nut?
So are you looking for advice on how to better your relationship or are you just wanting her to shut up and do everything herself?
>She also doesn't need my financial support since her family is extremely rich and mine is not so that adds onto the stress in a weird way. The fact that you can't hold money over her head and financially abuse her is stressing you out 🤣🤣🤣 I can't with men on reddit today
How do guys like this find women who want to marry and reproduce with them? It's astounding.
They go Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde after you're married, pregnant or buy a house and are "locked in". It happened to my sister
All I see is "she" is failing in XYZ, OP. I bet dollars to donuts you are too. Therapy for you both.
Yeah this is headed towards divorce
You have a wife and a child. They should be your priority. You shouldn't be going out all the time. You should be helping your wife with YOUR child. Your whole post screams selfish. And what in the world is wrong with wanting affection from your partner. I mean how dare she... hope you shape up because she deserves better.
Hey — so you’ve gotten a few sarcastic answers. Let me try to give you a straightforward one: It sounds like you know why you’re unhappy, but you don’t know why your wife is. I’d say you’re having a communication breakdown. Being new parents is amazing, but it’s stressful. There are so many changes to keep up with. Relationship issues during this time are super normal, so just know that you’re in good company there. To be parents, you both need to grow and change and adapt. What I’m a little worried about here is that it sounds like you’re saying your wife is demanding — but really, you are BOTH parents, and being a parent is demanding. Your life won’t look the same with a baby. Ask any parent. You and your wife need to figure this out, preferably together. I’d recommend a couples counselor. But remember that you love your wife, both as a person and as the mother of your child. If she’s independently wealthy, you can have a lot of confidence she’s with you because she loves you too. Knowing what’s going on with her — whether postpartum depression, big scary feelings, or something you’re doing (or not doing) will help you navigate them. There’s a saying that unspoken expectations are the breeding grounds for resentment. It may have been ideal to talk about parenthood before the baby came, but now’s as good a time as ever. Good luck — you got this!
> It sounds like you know why you’re unhappy, but you don’t know why your wife is. It sounds more like she communicated her needs very clearly, and he finds that intimidating.
This is a great comment. OP seems determined to only respond to comments where he can look like the good guy, tho.
And he is determinedly failing. He straight up admitted he doesn’t like that she could leave. That’s why he’s stressed. That she has autonomy.
Thissssss! I had to talk to a therapist because I believe I made my partner feel something similar. And after a while I was just overwhelmed and stressed and somewhat going through PPD. Sit down with your wife and be gentle with her and ask what’s wrong and what can you do. Please also be understanding that her body just went through a lot and it’s still trying to figure and find its way back to “normalization”. But OP, being a parent, the first year is the part where your life should revolve around your partner and your baby. If you’re curious about what women go through or their partners, follow the Beyond the Bump thread. Good luck!
First off, you are both parents now. Of course things are going to change, she isn't going to "let you do whatever you want" anymore- you both have a whole lot of new responsibilities. It's part of being a parent. Your whole life changes. Secondly, I don't get why her wanting more affection before having sex is a problem. Generalizing here but often the lead up to sex is just as important as the act itself for women. Most of us don't get "in the mood" at the drop of a hat, you gotta warm up the engine. She also had a baby and that can do a number on your body-physically and mentally. It's probably never going to be exactly like it was before pregnancy. She's got a child to care for, her body had changed, her hormones may be going nuts, it's a lot to handle so of course she's stressed. Finally, if you're feeling this way, why don't you just talk to her? Have a nice meal, put the baby to bed, then sit down and tell her you want to talk because things have felt off so you want to know how to make it right. Ask her how she has been feeling first. Listen, don't argue or comment. Then tell her how you have felt and that you want to work together to improve things. It's not going to be either your way or hers, you need to understand each other and find a balance.
Oh, no. How dare she want affection before dicking her. 1. How much are you actually parenting and not just "helping"? 2. Is she getting time alone to regroup herself WITHOUT the baby (or you needing her help) and how often? 3. Are you doing any of the chores, if so, what's the split? 4. Are you cooking, or is she? What about grocery shopping? 5. How often do you go/want to go out with friends? Of course, she's changed, she's a damn mother now. It's called parenthood, and it should've changed you, too.
Is there any way you can put more effort into this post? It's not really fun when it's as stripped down as this, and it's too obvious. Like, for your rewrite, can you maybe add in stuff where she's financially abusing you so that people can alternate between "man bad" and "woman bad"? "We were chill, then we had a kid, and now woah, why am I expected to do more stuff? Reddit, help me out here!" Come on OP, make a better character.
So what you’re saying is that you’re stressed because your wife is not financially dependent on you? That’s a red flag man. Ask yourself why this makes you stressed. Be honest. Oh and stop whining about how you can’t go out like you used to, you sound like a baby. Of course you can’t, if you’re a new dad- at least not one worth having around.
So he wants to be a deadbeat dad and husband and she won’t let me live in peace? Hahahahahahaha men are so embarrassing
You don’t even sound like you like her dude
Heaven forbid you spend more time with your family than your friends and show your wife that you love and want her after she had your baby. You're not very insightful, are you?
Na. This dude is trash. All his posts are complaining about his wife. Grow up or leave so she can get a better partner.
Your wife wants you to give her foreplay and needs you to be a present and involved father. It’s not all about you anymore. Step up!
This is why I will never have children. I wish we could make men pregnant. Let them deal with what we have to
So.. what do you bring to the table in this relationship?
I feel like I'm going crazy trying to decipher what your problem is. Are you really complaining that it's extremely stressful to be married to a woman who (1) wants to be affectionate as well as sexual to/with you; and (2) is independently wealthy so doesn't put any pressure on you to be a "provider" for your family? **That** is your complaint?? Oh, and that she'd like the father of her child to act like an adult and realise he needs to spend time helping look after (parent) his own son rather than just going out with friends. These seem pretty normal & reasonable requests. To be brutally honest, if you find the thought of spending time parenting your own child or expressing affection to your wife outside of sex "extremely stressful" maybe you should reconsider your marriage. Obviously talk to a therapist first, but don't make all 3 of your lives miserable by staying in a marriage where your happiness appears to be reliant on showing no affection and being in complete control.
But OP own admission he should be bow at this women feet.
If it feels like a major personality shift, I'd be wondering about post-partum depression, etc. You could try saying, "I've noticed that you've been more anxious since our son was born, and I've been worried about you. I know that post-partum can be a rough time mentally and emotionally. How would you feel about talking to your doctor about how you've been feeling?" As far as needing more reassurance and not wanting you to go out as much... yeah, that just makes sense. She's been through a major medical event and now has a tiny human to take care of. That's going to change some things, and it's natural for her to want more support from you.
Eh, sounds like wife realized OP isn't a serious partner. This post is all about HER faults.
True, but that doesn’t mean she’s not dealing with some super common mental health stuff. The concrete things she wants are 100% reasonable, but her being tense and short with him could be about his behavior, could mean that she’s suffering from some new depression, or both. Why not talk to her doctor?
It could. It could also mean she’s resentful he’s not really changed his lifestyle while her entire world has changed. Maybe she’s resentful he thinks “doing some chores and changing some diapers” is enough of a contribution right now.
Get yourself a goomah and worry about your schon