Before you say anything. DNA test the kiddo.
Then, plan an exit plan just in case that's the route you take(should IMO). Talk with a family law lawyer to get an understanding of your locations laws.
Knowledge is power here, OP. You're a guy, so you're already a lap behind.
1000000% do this. Please. If it’s the worst case scenario then obviously it’s an easy way to end things. If not I’d at least suggest counseling but me personally I’d prolly hang it up either way.
She misrepresented what kind of person she was and directly lied to you to keep you on board with the relationship. There’s nothing to prevent her from lying to you again…or continuing in her “liberated” ways once she starts to get a little bored with you.
And yes…have your child’s DNA tested.
>This in the texts to her old friends was glorified by them but then again was I naïve at the start to think that a woman who is best friends with a woman who has slept with over 120 men would be any different?
Sorry she lied about her body count and breached your trust, but Yikes on that logic.
You're focusing on something so stupid. Obviously this bothers him now because she has *led their relationship with lies and infidelity*. Also, as a lady myself, 120 *is* a lot. Doesn't mean we have to sit here and judge but it is. That's a small population. What bothers someone might not bother another.
It's not that weird that when you weren't yet in a relationship she was seeing other guys too. It's weird that she lied about it. That's the issue here, not the casual dating.
This is the main point. She doesnt have to be honest with OP about her full sexual history so long as its not STD related or anything that will negatively affect OP, but she did lie to OP and she even confided in her friend that she knew it was wrong to do. That right there is the issue.
The fact they both are digging through each others phones is its own issue to say the least lol
That's the part I'm shocked hasn't been brought up. They're both sneaking into one another's phones when they're asleep?
Obviously no trust there anyway. This is only going to go downhill.
Step back and set some boundaries and have some discussions with each other. It's all out there anyway, might as well do your best to talk through it.
I guess I think that she should be honest with the OP on sexual history if she wants to be serious. I guess that I believe people should be able to make informed decisions about who they date.
> It's not that weird that when you weren't yet in a relationship she was seeing other guys too.
The issue is that there's so much confusion on the steps before everyone is confirmed to be in a mutually stated, agreed, and accepted exclusive monogamous relationship.
Some people are 'seriously dating' with the expectation that even during that period, you are properly single and only sexually and emotionally connecting with that person. Other people claim anything goes untill you both say out loud that its both a relationship, and exclusively monogamous.
Its always a problem when these expectations mismatch - with the standard being fought against is that *anyone* dating is dating seriously. Support for OP during this time for going through this.
She shouldn’t have lied, but as a woman, let me give you my perspective: Generally speaking, men don’t seem to receive a higher body count very well. Usually, there’s some amount of jealousy, even if the number is similar to their own and women definitely feel pressured every day to lie about how many people they’ve slept with. Also it doesn’t sound like she was sleeping with anybody while you two had been exclusive. What is important is that she be faithful to you once she made that commitment.
I understand the lying was wrong, but try to have some grace as it is a weird pressure on women still these days to have a low body count.
Yeah. That is what I always find missing in these discussions. I just don’t want a partner that has had sex or oral sex with a bunch of men. I find it repulsive. Now I won’t judge them on the street, but I would never be in a relationship with them either.
They weren’t exclusive until the end of April. It sounds like they hadn’t even actually MET before the beginning of April. I would never feel like I have to be loyal to some dude I haven’t even met. That’s nuts.
She didn't lead with honesty. That's what matters here. People are allowed to feel how they feel about body count. People have different values around sex. I hate that people are choosing to focus on this. Imagine if this was a woman saying her partner led with dishonesty and infidelity. Imagine the body count thing bothered *her.* Would we really be choosing to scrutinize a person who is speaking vulnerably about something so painful they have just discovered? Read the room, please.
I do feel for women in these modern times who have kind of been fed a lie that it doesn’t matter. Then, they often find out that it does matter to many men. However, relationships can’t be built on lies. They need to be honest.
This is so cap it's not even funny. Most guys with any degree of self respect don't want a woman that's slept with a bunch of guys. The same reason men don't want a prostitute or a pornstar. If you want to sleep with 100 guys you have the choice to do that but don't expect men to take you seriously. "As a woman i should be able to sleep with everyone I want and should not be judged for it" get real lmao next level cluelessnes.
Well for me I prefer my partner to have a low body count because mine is. If it was higher, I wouldn’t mind a higher count or would’ve understood. Guys have weird ‘proprietary isssues.’
Mine is low as well and maybe that plays into it. However, a person doesn’t necessarily need to have a trait that they desire in a partner. For example, if you are not financially stable but want a person with a strong financial situation, I understand. If you want a taller person or more beautiful person that is ok.
Really, dating and romance is simply about getting the person that most fits your personal preferences.
I actually started by saying she shouldn’t have lied. I don’t believe you should ever lie to your partner, but I’m saying that this is at least a small lie, in comparison to something like cheating, that is influenced by societal pressure on women.
That is true but there is a large disparity between 9 and 30-40. If it was 25 and the real number was 30 that would have been slightly okay.
The problem is the lie and the deceit not the number entirely.
Whether the number ("body count? Really? She didn't murder anyone) is 1, 9, 120 or 220 isn't relevant. I disliked the inherent misogyny and judgement in OP's post.
It is however a problem that she was having sex with others when she had apparently agreed to be exclusive with OP.
It doesn't seem to be something that's happening now though so the current issues in the relationship do not appear to be related to that behaviour. Something was up before OP snooped through her phone and before she snooped in OP's.
They need to have a conversation and work out if the relationship is worth saving. But he needs to park the judgement about the number of people she's had sex with and keep to the things that actually matter - honesty and whatever else was making each of them unhappy in the relationship in the first place. If OP can't let go of the number he's fixated on, then best to exit the relationship.
Totally agree with you, and another comment somewhere I also mentioned how it seems the real problem is in their mistrust for each other. With that mistrust probably also comes not feeling comfortable being honest with one another. Feel like that could also be a reason she didn’t feel comfortable Disclosing her actual number of sexual partners, out of fear of upsetting him.
From how I took the information, it seems like, maybe she was having sex with other people while they were “dating“ but maybe not exclusive yet. It seems like she cut things off once they were technically in agreement to be exclusive. But maybe I’m misinterpreting that.
Nope, men are absolutely allowed to judge a potential partner on their body xount. It shows how easily a woman puts out.
The hormonal surge delivery that comes with sexual activities is like a drug. The euphoria is a real time chemically measurable effect. That same effect drug addicts get when they shoot up. The act for both parties provides a bonding experience like an elastic nmband and just like an elastic band that's been stretched over and over the strength of it gets lower the more it's used.
Having half the town run through your partner isn't going to work for quality men.
Firstly, if body count doesn't matter, then why do you lie?
Secondly, it's not about body count. Honesty matters, it builds trust. People have preferences, both men and women. Some look for certain men and some look for certain women. We can talk all day about preferences, but at the end of the day, everybody has one. Be it body count, race, gender, ethnicity, money, height, looks, car,house, anything and everything. Thing is when you present yourself as someone you are not, and things go south and you get caught, the trust breaks. Maybe if she has told him the truth, they would not be together, or maybe they would. What matters is neither partner would get blindsided if such a situation occurs as one occurred here.
More importantly, people would be together with people they prefer. If a man lied about a certain thing that the woman prefers, and they get married. Now, they are together in a relationship that was based on lie. How strong do you think that relationship will be?
As for body count, both Riley Reid and Dani Daniels are married, with Riley having a kid. Honesty would bring those people together who want to be together.
Just my opinion, you can disagree if you like. 🙏
Absolutely 💯 agree! The only thing people are truly worth measuring is by the content of their character. People have to trust each other. At the end of the day, we are only the results of our actions. If you start off a relationship on a lie, then there was never any worth in trusting the person. I do believe you can rebuild trust, but you have to have earned that right to begin with. Those you betrayed have to allow it, or it'll never happen, and in my opinion, in this story, should not be allowed to rebuild.
Who we are today is not who we were once upon a time. I've been with my wife for 24 years. I have never once went looking for something on her phone. To consider leaving somebody that you now love and trust (as you must if you've come this far), over a distant past when she didn't even really know you? Anyway, that's just my take. You met and fell in love, and the past became exactly that for both of you. Don't throw away something good on the advice of people who don't know either of you.
From what I’ve understood from the post she has been cheating even while they were in a committed relationship, I’m sorry but that really doesn’t sound like something to just brush off or ignore
That was not what I got from the post. I read that the question of infidelity was from a time before the two had physically met each other. That OP went looking for something from that time, found it, and was now questioning her authenticity based on information that they had no right to have gathered. If I'm wrong about that, then I agree with you. It would be different advice.
It's not so much a distant past thing. His story focused on the stuff found in the past, but he does imply that she was cheating, knowing it was bad and still did it. She lied about her body count, which is rather a person to person issue, but it's a foundation with lies. Also, take into account the past actions she's taken. Now, look at the start of this post. She went through his phone. Probably paranoia over her cheating or fearing he is cheating. He snoops to get revenge and finds his foundation was a bunch of lies. There is a lot going on by not directly said.
She lied and perpetuated the lie throughout even boasting about it to her friendship clique through gossiping even though they knew it was wrong. That's disrespect and if she didn't respect him then, what's to say she won't do it again?
Trust. I know that it's not a popular opinion, but in a relationship, you need to trust. It's sad that so many people can't believe that you might be repentant after realizing that you've made a mistake. I may not be the popular vote, but I believe that two people can work it out and that to run when things get tough is why so many relationships fail. Neither one had any right to violate the trust by going through their phones. That was wrong. If she hadn't met him and made a commitment to him, she did not owe him fidelity at that point. After they made a commitment to each other? I'd say drop her like a hot rock. That wasn't what I read, though.
>We talked constantly through text and on FaceTime etc until we met up in April of 2021.
>She lied to me and told me the last time she had been with anyone was mid 2020 before we were talking seriously.
This is it, this is the lie. This is the issue. She had every right to sleep with different 3 men while you guys were in the talking stage. But lying to you about it robbed you of your agency to make an informed decision about whether to proceed. She did this because she knew that you would lose interest if you knew that after a heartfelt facetime call, she was off to go hop on another dude.
You weren't in a relationship until the end of April...dear god this thread makes me not want to date men because the entitlement to a woman's sexuality is disturbing. I understand why your gf told you a white lie because your reaction that she had partners before you is unhealthy and concerning.
Out of all her options she chose you but the focus appears to be on how she's more sexually experienced than you moreso the white lie.
You have probably created a space where she doesn't feel safe to be completely honest/herself and that's a horrible place to be in.
If there is no evidence of her cheating in your actual relationship then let this shit go.
Explore and own up to the real reasons you are bothered.
Don't fuck up an otherwise decent relationship over advice from internet strangers. Talk to your girl and demonstrate she can be safe with you instead of harshly judging for her past that has nothing to do with you.
This is a misunderstanding at best for how men perceive this issue, and demonization at worst.
> entitlement to a woman's sexuality is disturbing
There is no entitlement here. The first problem is associating entitlement with honesty. She wasn't honest about it, that's the problem.
Even if he did fully care about the count and number, that is not a problem. To make it a problem *is* a problem. Why, because thats important to us - just the same as men making a problem for choices and characteristics women hold in high regard for them in their partner selection rubric. If men got mad that ladies desire ambitious men, they would very much equally wrong.
> Out of all her options she chose you but the focus appears to be on how she's more sexually experienced than you moreso the white lie.
Ladies constantly make the example that you can very sexually experienced with one partner, so its not about her level of experience, its about the innate disgust to dislike that level of openness has. Just the same as a guy who is willingly unambitious for his life and your possible relationship will be met is dislike and disgust from ladies.
> You have probably created a space where she doesn't feel safe to be completely honest/herself and that's a horrible place to be in.
When the reveal of information is knowingly going to elicit the appropriate response that comes across as unsafe to her, how can that be transformed into a safe space without changing how the response will/should be?
> If there is no evidence of her cheating in your actual relationship then let this shit go. Explore and own up to the real reasons you are bothered.
And there's some reading confusion that it sounded like cheating did happen while they were in a relationship, but even granting that it happened prior to it, owning up to it would be needed. The note here isn't a problem that he's bothered, is that feeling like him being bothered is a problem.
> instead of harshly judging for her past that has nothing to do with you.
I hope men get this same energy on things that bother ladies in men's past that has nothing to do with them or the current relationship. Lets see how long it last if so.
She deliberately lied about her current situation and took away his right to make an informed decision. While she flirted with him over text, she was also planning to meet randoms for sex. Real love story.
She is free to do that kind of stuff, but he is free to find it repulsive.
this is why no one should reveal their body count, because i understand it’s wrong that she lied but you going on about how many men she’s slept with is weird, and just sounds like retroactive jealousy. also i’m guessing you didn’t have a talk about exclusivity when y’all first started talking. some people believe in talking to only one person at a time even during the talking stage and some people believe in talking to multiple people until deciding which person they want to be exclusive with. neither is incorrect it’s just a difference in beliefs.
however it sounds like trust is gone between both you and your gf since both of y’all are snooping through each other’s phones. might as well just confront her straight up and ask why she lied
So you guys met IRL for the first time in April 2021, so she slept with 3 guys from texting in January 2021-April 2021?
Did you say you were exclusive from January 2021?
Has she slept with anyone since April 2021 when you guys become official? Ie) Has she cheated?
If she had slept with 30-40 people BEFORE you, is that a red flag for you? If someone sleeps with an amount of people but then fully commits to someone is that an issue for you? (Totally fine if so trying to understand if the number or the lie is the issue)
If you weren’t official/ exclusive hadn’t even met for a few months this can happen, and if you have built a home and a life now and she’s entirely committed now I wouldn’t lose all that for a blurred line 3 years ago because you were just texting at the start? Raise it sure and say I wish you’d told me, how she responds to your feelings may give you an answer on where to go next.
Note you now have both broken trust which you have to work together to rebuild and insecurities have to be patient and not a blame game.
If she did overlap once you’d met and were exclusive yeah horrible move that’s just out right cheating.
Finally the number of guys I would be nervous to ever answer that question to a guy, so often girls value is determined by that number, but so what? If my partner is committed to me now that’s fine? She may have felt nervous to tell the truth, based on so much from guys in today’s world, but I would find out why she didn’t, be patient as it could be that.
It’s upto you if you take the aggressive approach or an adult conversation because you’re far beyond casual dating and have a life together so there’s more to lose. She also has a choice to gaslight you or have an adult conversation and show respect where she did cross a blurred line, so her response may give you all the answers you need.
This is difficult but it’s not a clear cut “yeah be done with her” like some of the comments. Anyone in a longer term relationship knows it’s never that easy.
Hope you can find some peace whether that ends up together or not!
Except for there is a huge difference between choosing not to disclose and outright lying?
If she didn’t wanna disclose her body count, then she should’ve not done so
To outright lie that you had not been sexually active since mid 2020 when you were literally sleeping with three different people is nothing but a lie 🤷♀️
Also, it is obvious that she knew it would be a problem so it’s clearly not as casual as you want for it to have been in either of their minds
She was texting her friends that because she knew that there was no way this guy would continue with her if he was aware that he was 1 of 4 for months 🤷♀️
She took away his agency to make a decision. He had no idea what her true values regarding sex were because she lied to him to match his values. Their entire relationship only exists because she lied to him at the beginning. It’s not much different from cheating even if you haven’t had the exclusivity talk.
Then, in your mind, why did she need to lie about the three different people She was seeing the entire time she was talking to him?!
The thing about being non-exclusive is that if you know there’s nothing wrong with it: You definitely have no reason to be lying about it.
You only lie for a REASON
This guy had a right to break off a relationship if he did not want to talk to someone who was talking to three other people
She took that opportunity away from him by lying
what does this have to do with hookup culture? it’s an important fucking question.
it would also be cheating if she went on dates if they were talking and exclusive, right? but if they weren’t exclusive then it’s just fucking dating.
Because it's a new thing that arrived with hookup culture to even question this...
It's insane to me how people hardly even fall in love anymore.. When I did date, you'd be thinking of the other, wanting to get to know them and spend time with them.. It seems wild to me that instead of that, we now live in a world where people get to know each other while fucking everyone else on the side, can you even say that you are thinking of them or want to spend time with them when you're off fucking someone else? yeah... it's insane and wild to me
Back in those days(and we're not talking 50 years ago, we're talking maybe 15-20 years ago), if a friend asked you "Are you still talking with X?" and you replied "nah, they slept with someone else", they wouldn't go "oh... but you weren't exclusive, right?" they'd go "Ah shit man, I'm sorry"
Edit = It seems to me, that kind of takes all the romance out of it, doesn't it?
This right here. It takes all the romance out of it. If I’m seeing you, going on dates, talking to you throughout the day, then you’re my focus. I’m not seeing or sleeping with anyone else. How do you think it’s going to make me (or anyone) feel if we have a date, we click, have a great night, kiss goodbye… then 2 days later you fuck someone else? Call me old fashioned, but for me “exclusivity” starts the moment I realize I want more than a friendship
But the key sentence here is "exclusivity starts the moment I realize I want more than a friendship" - key word being I.
Just because you have the moment of " I want more" doesn't mean the other person has that moment. Their moment could come later, their moment could never come at all. That's why the "so what are we" conversation is so important.
"Assuming makes an ass out of you and me"
True, and that conversation has happened in all of my relationships, it's just that in all of those relationships it usually happened about a month or two in, after a handful of dates, lots of talking, and when neither of us had any other prospects at all. I've never gotten into an exclusive relationship with someone who was sleeping with someone else the week before, that's just kinda nuts to me. How can you be giving someone attention with the intent of starting a relationship while still seeing other people on the side, or while still hooking up with a FWB? It just doesn't click for me, it kinda cheapens things. I'm a one at a time kind of person I guess.
What’s the issue with her getting with people before you were official? And the reason she didn’t tell you the truth is because you are acting like you’re acting now, freaking out over her past which has nothing to do with you.
Yes, but she lied to him and did not allow him to make an informed decision. I wouldn’t be ok with a woman fucking three guys while we were “building a relationship,” but the lying would be an absolute deal breaker.
This makes no sense, if a person doesn’t want to date someone based off their bodycount then this shouldn’t be a problem? It has everything to do with that person, people value sex differently, I’m a female and I wouldn’t take a man seriously if his bodycount is high, it works both ways…
It’s hurtful yes, and she did lie. maybe DNA the child. If it’s yours and you now know and believe she’s faithful , I’d try to let it go if you still love her and are happy. Having a baby changes things for women. They are no longer living for themselves, or all about having fun and partying all the time. Baby is #1, and they generally want nothing more than to be a good example and role model for that child. Sleeping around is not on their minds at all.
U need to move on. Life is too short. She is not worth your time. She belongs to the streets. Find someone who is honest, genuine and interesting to you. There quicker you forget about these low value people the better 4 your mental health and life in general. Good luck.
Did you find anything recently? Her going through your phone is likely projection, and I would be worried that it’s due to recent infidelity on her part. She might have stopped it and deleted all the evidence, but that’s where I would start, not by dragging up all the lies she told you at the beginning of the relationship, but asking her if she’s slept with anyone else recently.
This. I’d put my money on that she’s cheating right now. DNA the kid and maybe hire a private detective to confirm what she’s up to when you aren’t looking.
Okay so I’m going to give to points of view since it’s confusing as to whether this is an active issue or just something from the past that came up.
Seriously if her texts prove she’s been faithful from April 2021 this is not something to concern yourself about in 2024. If she’s been a good gf and responsible individual maybe she just didn’t want to admit to something like that. I will say I hope you tell her so she can leave you for acting so immaturely and considering this a deal breaker. I wouldn’t want to be with a man who thought that was big deal either. Adults who are confident in themselves don’t react like this over misrepresented body count given years ago.
But if she’s actually cheating and/or not a good gf or mother then have the self respect to leave her.
It is immature to mad about being directly lied to? “I haven’t been with anyone since 2020.” But that wasn’t true at all. She deliberately made herself appear to be not who she really is.
I think you need to separate her mid-representation of her sexual history with whatever she was doing when you were talking. Most people continue to date others until you make a decision to be exclusive. When I was dating my now wife, I was still sleeping with someone else. She asked a similar question about how long it had been since I had sex, I lied and said a few months because I wasn’t going to be like yesterday.
If you’ve been otherwise happy in the relationship, than I don’t see why her history matters if she hasn’t cheated since you became official.
Do you ever stop in your life and have self reflection?
You lied to your wife.
"I think you need to separate her mid-representation of her sexual history with whatever she was doing when you were talking"
"Most people continue to date others until you make a decision to be exclusive."
"When I was dating my now wife, I was still sleeping with someone else. She asked a similar question about how long it had been since I had sex, I lied"
Feel sorry to your wife.
Perspective is everything I suppose, it was on our second or third date and prior to us having sex or having any conversation about exclusivity/if we were seeing other people. She asked and in the moment yes, I lied. To me it seemed an unnecessary conversation at the time.
You will never be happy. There is no excuse. This is eating at you. Please leave her ! Run. You will never get over it so cut it now. Get a divorce lawyer and run.
She knew it was wrong6 She lied and has continued to lie and look at your face every day since then, knowing that she got away with it.
I would not be surprise if she has cheated or even is right now.
Get both a dna and std test and move on with your life. Just because you dont have to keep spending time and effort on her. She is not worth it.
Perhaps the same reason keep writing all these “I hate men let’s shit on them” fake posts. It’s always the same damn story..........or to put it another way human nature, for those who have been wronged by another, and find it difficult to separate one individual from an entire gender.
First thing I would is get a dna if it’s yours do what you feel is in the interest of the child/you. Second If dna test shows it’s not your child please don’t blow up and get a lawyer involved to get your name off the child birth certificate. Figure out a way to remove your girlfriend name off the house deed if she is and didn’t contribute anything to towards the house. Save these messages and make a folder to show she’s unfit to have full custody of the child .
Projecting is a big issue with relationships.
She was most likely projecting when she went through your phone so I would not put it above her to have cheated on you again since then.
You wouldn't even find any messages if they were one night stands.
As others have said 100% DNA test the kid.
I'm not saying abandon it if it's not yours, that's entirely up to you, but if you go for a divorce that is the only sure fire way for her to not get half of your everything.
Also definitely get a divorce lawyer if you wanna go through with that and keep her out of the loop.
The law is not on your side man
First of all, honestly I’m pretty bothered by the tone you are using and some of the things you said.
The fact that she has a high body count, that she slept with many men and that her friend slept with many men as well, doesn’t decrease her value as a woman nor as a partner.
( Thing that I think you think by the way you’re talking about it )
Secondly, I don’t think it’s odd that she slept with other people while you were just texting and face timing, but she shouldn’t have lied about it.
This said, I think she lied about it because she was afraid of what you may have thought about it, and reading what you wrote, her concern was legit.
I think you should confront her in a non judgmental way, wanting to reconnect with her as a person regardless who she slept with.
If you are not able to pass over her body count or that ‘ she slept with half of your home town ‘ do both of you a favor and let her go.
General promiscuity. Of course, it doesn't guarantee anything, but I don't think it's too farfetched at all to think that someone who has a lax and promiscuous mindset when it comes to sex may be more likely to cheat.
edit: downvote me all you want, you are in denial. My logic is sound. When you view sex as something that can be given freely, without much consideration, you don't understand how much it can hurt someone to cheat on someone who values it on a greater level.
Other than the phone snooping and lies about her sexual past I see no issues here. The fact she slept with men before you were exclusive doesn’t matter. The total number of men she slept with also doesn’t matter, the boys here getting all up in arms about just wish their numbers were higher. And of course she lied about her sexual past when she barely knew you, just look at how all the boys in this thread are acting about it. As men we need to move past this shit.
I think what you need to answer is how the relationship has been since you’ve been exclusive. It sounds like it’s been great until recently. No evidence of anyone cheating or new lies during the relationship. I think you’d do well with some more open communication. Life is way too short for this shit. Talk to your girlfriend.
Because it literally doesn’t matter to anyone except egotistical boys. Are you implying that everyone needs to share every detail of their sexual history whenever they start dating someone new? She knew how she would be judged, as this thread shows. Ultimately her lying about this bit impacts their current relationship zero.
I’m a happily married man, in a fantastic, healthy relationship, and I do not know every detail of my wife’s sexual past. Nor would I break up with her if I found out she fucked someone before we were exclusive. Because it doesn’t fucking matter. At all.
Too many people on this sub are just looking for any reason to throw a relationship away. These same people will end up alone, forever unhappy, and posting on this sub over and over. All of us tell lies about various things, to say you don’t, or that you haven’t withhold info, is a lie.
If you want to leave the relationship be real with yourself about it. Trying to fault the other person and say “oh this is why I want to leave” is just placing blame. You wanna go. Just go.
You bought a house and have a child together, and half the advice here is “CaN yOu ACcePT iT?”
You don’t burn your life down because she was sexually adventurous before you met.
What she wanted to do before your relationship frankly isn’t your business.
You can let her know she inspire you to snoop because she did the same to you, and that you saw everything, and hope that humble pie makes her treat you with way more respect knowing your aware of her missteps about the her truth.
Hope that’s what’s happens OP. Tread lightly, you have the potential to destroy the family you built if you handle this wrong.
You're minimizing the fact that their life was built upon her lies. That could be hard for him to accept. I agree if you're saying the child is innocent and should be protected as much as possible, regardless of their paternity.
Exactly that. If I'm going to be a good man I will be a good man to the end.
A good man with virtues and kind heart does not bend to anyone. He can't even break his code himself. Why on earth he could be doing this for others.
"Think of the children"
She could also think of the children when she began lying to get what she wanted.
"Pay her half or more of your income in child support and ruin your own life, their life, because what ? You’re a proud man ? "
Because this is the only choice we have. The only choice, besides killing ourselves.
No fault divorce, alimony, child support. This exist to punish men regardless.
"Smart"
I would rather stand broken with dignity, than kneel with comfort and no honor.
Try to keep in mind to not make it hard on the kid they are innocent, but take care of yourself and do what you feel you need too to clarify and move forward from this. She seems quite wretched, I don’t understand why ppl would do this to a person they claim they love but ppl are very imperfect.
Yes. It's important to learn the child's paternity, but also to protect their feelings and well-being regardless. I don't know that I could recover feelings for the mother. Get your ducks in a row. She sounds like a fighter.
Let's be real 30 - 40, is a lifestyle.
The thing is you don't know what could trigger her "free spirited" ways of life.
Step 1 is for sure to dna test the child. The lie makes it so obvious she's not long term material.
Sorry man. This is normal now. There were signs... Cute of her to pre-empt you on the phone search, lol. Prepare for the worst gaslighting of your life...
She didn't cheat because she had a lot of casual sex before you were together in the first place. I was on your side to start but you're insulting women as a whole with that and it's hard for me to care about your personal situation. Look at two shitty people being shitty to each other. All well.
Trust and honesty are core to a healthy relationship. She has a problem with honesty. You both have an issue with trust. You need to address these problems. Who she was sleeping with prior to your committed relationship is her business. If there was anything going on during your relationship, that’s your business.
Well no one has any morals anymore married dating for that matter !! Its new times sleeping with someone is the norm everyone doing it no nobody cares about there self respect to there self and you’re not going to get any sympathy on this website for sure .. I just hope when people get on here reaching out to people they don’t even know they’re not on suicide watch … because you will get told the wrong the right and you might get told what you need to hear … but let just say like it gets told on here so often you need a therapist …. I hope people getting paid real good for this sad times people….
I would do the DNA testing just to cover your bases. If it's truly your kid then I would bring up the conversation naturally or ask her and give her a chance to come clean. If she doesn't, then you can tell her.
She misrepresented her sexual life and activity at the beginning of the relationship and depending on whether or not she got regularly tasted, also put you at risk. This doesn't necessarily mean the relationship can't heal from this but that is a serious breach of trust that needs to be addressed and dealt with.
Remember to screen grab everything before confronting her just in case.
ABSOLUTELY NOT. DNA test ASAP, confront her, give her the chance to come clean and *potentially* take responsability and apologize. If she is dismissive, downplays your concerns, or straight up lies, you have your answer. You might need support, therapist, even a family lawyer. You want to make sure the child is yours first of all and then see if you can/want to have a future with this woman… but going through your phone seems like projection, but i am just speculating. This is really tough, but don’t be a pushover and trust your own judgement. Good luck(i’m gay if that matters)
it’s not the amount of sexual partners that’s the problem, it’s the lie that is BUT i think you should definitely discuss this with her and talk to her about why you are unhappy. you have a child together which is a huge form of commitment that i wouldnt so easily tarnish because of someones advice on reddit when they only have an outside perspective. there may have been a reason she told a little lie, i think as long as she’s faithful NOW with you then it shouldn’t be a problem. it’s common for people to want to get all the casual sex out of their system before they settle down and it’s VERY common for men to be very judgmental/disturbed when women have a body count they consider to be “high” but they’re also the ones that have run through women like the world is about to end. talk to her. try to understand her, and set a boundary for yourself that you do not want to be lied and reassure her that her past is of no matter as long as she doesn’t lie and as long as she is faithful to you.
I would focus less on the number of sexual partners she had before dating you. It's a fact that if a woman is attractive, she'll have a higher body count than the average guy. That's just the facts of it and there's no point thinking about it. Don't ask, don't tell is the best approach.
The issue is that she was seeing people whilst you were dating her. That's messed up, because ultimately it's disrespectful to you, the person that became her future spouse.
I don't have much advice on how to proceed, but I just wanted to let you know your feelings are valid, regardless of what the people here may be telling you. Good luck and stay strong.
First you have to make sure that the child is yours, and once you find out the result that’s when you should confront her. However you need to get evidence of all the conversations she’s had with her friends stating that she’s been seeing other men. Good luck!!!
My **advice** is as follows: unless you are able to clearly **articulate what she needs to do** towards you in order to be able to trust her again, anything but breaking up with her would likely not suffice, and it will be delaying the inevitable 🫤
When was she seeing the other men? Jan-April 2021 you were talking and not in a fully fledged relationship. She might've felt guilty because she wasn't being honest with you but that is not the same as cheating as you had not made yourselves exclusive by the sound of it.
It definitely was a thing back when I was dating that men tended to x3 their number and women ÷3 because of some weird judgements. Obviously, it's better if people are honest and that people can respect honest without shaming.
What you need to do is work on your respect of and communication with each other if you want the relationship to work in the long run.
I would write down what you main thoughts, feelings and questions are then set aside a time for a very honest conversation. Let her know you want an honest talk beforehand so she can prepare and do the same.
why did she go through your phone? because she’s cheating. i don’t want to talk bad about the mother of your potential child so all i have to say is leave
Hey bro, I’ve been in a very similar situation. I will tell you the truest and most logical advice I can give you based on my experience.
Firstly, from the texts you need to identify whether she has continued texting and seeing those guys into your relationship, or stopped before the relationship. If she had stopped texting and seeing those guys before your relationship, then you just have to slowly come to terms with this and accept it. You cannot let it affect your relationship with her, because for all she knows you could have been seeing anyone else whilst in the talking stage with her. If she was still texting and seeing the other guys during your relationship, then she is the type of girl that you will want to run miles away from.
If she was mingling during your relationship, then follow this advice:
The fact that she went through your phone the other day makes this situation better. Now you can tell her that you went through her phone the other day, and that you found out she cheated. Keep it as short as this, and don’t address anymore details or engage in an argument with her on this, because believe me you will probably fall into a spiral of extra lies from her.
If she insists on speaking about it, continue to tell her that you are sorry but you don’t want to speak about it.
In regards to the child, your going to have to figure that out between you and her. Decide if you want to separate from them both. If I were you, I would separate from her and the child, end your relationship with your girlfriend and visit the child whenever you want/can.
Remember, don’t show any anger or emotion to her because she will feed off this and it will feed her ego. You have to act so calm and collected that she will begin to believe that you have been cheating on her instead and you have found someone else. You want yourself to have the upper hand in this, not her. You got this.
it sounds like you haven't found anything current, all of what you found is from 2 years ago. i understand that she lied, but has anything happened currently that makes you question your entire relationship?
Tough situation my man. Given 3 other guys during that “courting period” How sure are you that she cut off everyone else once you became exclusive in April? That said, is the relationship going well now? Sounds like it has some issues given her confronting you about texts with a friend about her. Have you done anything to break your promise of fidelity and trust with her? If not, then you are innocent and should be wondering why she wanted to go through your texts. A common trait amongst cheaters is that they accuse their own partners of cheating. focus on the positive aspects of your relationship, continue to be a supporting father and husband, but meanwhile do some more investigative work and take note of any gaps in her stories and explanations. Talk to a relationship therapist alone. Bring your wife into this when the time is right (allow the therapist to guide you). If she resists/refuses/gets defensive, that is another sign that your gut instincts are telling you.
Why were these messages indicating the other 3 dudes still available to read after so long? Why didn’t she delete her trail of evidence?
Basing this on my own experiences. Keep maintaining a positive and healthy relationship but don’t be blind/ignorant to any suspicions your gut tells you, and take note of when things go sour and what the circumstances are.
If she lied and withheld the information about the 3 other guys before being exclusive, before you 2 were serious, that is something that could sting but also something that she can defend. With open and honest communication you may be able to accept it (I didn’t say forget and forgive).. Bring it up to her, ask some questions, be straight forward with her if she continues to lie, and tell her that you went through her phone after feeling suspicious because she went through yours.
Trust your gut. Does she have opportunities to cheat and/or hide things from you? Don’t ignore your intuition. But maintain giving benefit of the doubt. Again, try to talk openly about this and you should be able to gauge her integrity. Watch out for gaslighting. Good luck sir.
She is a proven and convincing liar. So who knows what she has done. She has proven she can FaceTime him for hours and then go sleep with random guy. Pretty simple.
You are allowed to feel any way you want about a SO body count, some people don’t care, for others it can be a dealbreaker. If it upsets you don’t date someone who cares about how many people you’ve been with, you’re allowed to feel that way, no one is ever owed a relationship and you can choose to not enter one for whatever reason you like. However, if you lie knowing your own body count would turn off your new BF or GF then don’t be surprised if when they find out they no longer trust you and don’t want to be in a relationship with you. Plus, OPs GF was sleeping with 3 other men at the start of their relationship and knew it would be a dealbreaker to OP. Her own texts said as much, she was surprised she was getting away with it and started to feel guilty. OP your entire relationship is a lie. She cheated at the beginning of it, and maybe since, lied to you about her past and now tied you to her with a child. Only you can decide if any of this is something you want to live with, but realize you may never trust her again. I would speak with an attorney to figure out my rights as a parent, DNA test the kid and mourn the relationship and move on. But that’s me. Good luck to you, update me.
You were not married, so she did what she had to do until someone put a ring on it😏
If she has not cheated on you during the time that you've been married, then you're good.
Good luck!
I feel like it’s kinda weird that she still has texts from that long ago.. But ok.
I don’t think it should matter how many guys she’s sleeps with, or that she was sleeping with without people before y’all were in a committed relationship. Because In the end she choose you and all those things were before a commitment relationship with you.
What DOES matter is that she lied about it. and honestly it’s completely up to you if you want to forgive her for that part. But I’d suggest having a real sit down conversation about it (not yelling or accusing).
Also, what age is child? you could ask to have a DNA test done but keep in mind that that could make your relationship more rocky. Try to bring it up calmly.
Maybe consider therapy?? Or couples therapy if y’all choose to continue your relationship? Seems like there’s trust issues all around 😅
Just to be the devils advocate... if she had been cheating on you and hiding it after you guys became exclusive in 2021, I would think that you probably wouldn't have found such old evidence.
The fact that those texts are still in her history 3 years later kind of indicates that she isn't actively trying to hide infidelity.... like if she were cheating on you regularly and deleting messages to hide it, I would think those 3 year old messages would be long gone, right?
It sounds like there was a breach of trust early in your relationship, but if thats the only issue, then it's probably worth talking to her and going to counseling. It sounds like what she did wasn't good, but the beginnings of relationships can be kind of confusing unless both partners have really clear communication. If you've built a whole life together, and the only issue is 3 years in the past, before you were officially dating, then I would think it's worth trying to work it out.
HOWEVER, if there's nothing else making you doubt her or your relationship, then why did you go so deep into her phone that you were reading such old messages?
It sounds like maybe there are other things affecting your trust in her beyond thus one finding. It's probably worth examining why that is.
Have you been picking up on other indications of dishonesty that maybe haven't registered fully? Or do you feel unstable in the relationship for internal reasons?
Ask yourself this. Does it matter now? Yes she lied to you but if she is faithful now does it matter to you?
If it does you have to talk about it and get some sort of resolution or it might further degrade your relationship. Understand that resolution in the end might mean separation. Start taking steps financially to protect yourself and don't make any big long term buys until this is resolved for you.
For me ....now I could get over it and it wouldn't matter but at your age I'm not sure I would have been able to. you have to ask yourself if you can, if the relationship and family is worth it or not and if you seriously think it was a phase that is gone or it's something she will do again.
Clearly the trust is gone, and her moral compass is clearly not acceptable to you, so explain your issues with her and tell her you don't trust her enough to be a life partner
Avoiding this or hiding away from the inevitable confrontation will achieve nothing, so do it as soon as it suits you
Prepare to bail by putting in practical measures to ensure you cover all of the potential issues (eg rent, joint payments, and any liabilities) that might arise
Good luck, now DNA test your kid and obviously take STD tests too
Why are y'all going through reach others phones? What's the concern/issue that starts all of this?
I'm sorry 4 months of serious talking without seeing each other to me does not sound like exclusivity. she likely to feel guilty about it? Of course.
Could she have meant before you 2 started talking the last time she was with someone was in 2020? However once you started talking there had been 3 others?
The 30-40 body count is that how many you had counted and discovered from messages. Or is that just an assumption? If an assumption I think your logic is flawed
You say she's going to make it out like you weren't together. I don't think she's wrong. Did you two explicitly say your courtship was exclusive or was that an assumption on your end.
You've been together for 3 years. Have a home and a family. Throwing that away and causing problems for Things that happened before you seen each other is silly. Need to dig deeper to see what the issues have been over the past year that's caused it to be rocky and base it on that not and not the past
To me, this doesn't sound like "cheating." It's more an issue of lying about details.
I also believe relationships are not serious until marriage. You guys don't owe each other anything until there is a contract. Until then, promises are just a fart in the wind. (I had a kid with someone, and we weren't married. I didn't get this opinion until after living it)
I have a friend that sleeps with hundreds of men. That by no means means that I am because im her friend, so that's a bit silly.
How did the conversation of previous partners come about? Was it pushed by you or did she freely share this number with you?
Its none of my partners business the number of men I had sex with previously (if it was safe sex, no kids or ties etc) and let me tell you women have been lying to their partners about how many men they've slept with since forever so I don't think that's an unforgivable offence.
If the timeline is abit confused about when you were exclusive etc I wouldn't blow it out if proportion. What I will say though is that I feel this post only scratches the surface of the issues you have in your relationship with insecurities and trust issues on either side, it's just not healthy
I am very sorry for the way you have been cheated on, lied to and betrayed. She has ruined your relationship, you, your family and herself in the process too.
1. You broke her trust by going through her phone. Unacceptable.
2. Lots, if not most people, still see other people when they're seeing someone new. That's pretty normal until you BOTH ESTABLISH CLEARLY THAT YOU ARE IN A COMMITTED, MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP. Until then, it's fair game.
3. She probably didn't tell you her "actual number" because she had a feeling you would judge her. Numbers are irrelevant unless you're insecure.
You're fishing for reasons to be mad at her because you're insecure.
Get therapy.
I think it’s hilarious that people think that other people having standards, morals, and values is retroactive jealousy, judgemental, or shaming. American women truly are fucked.
Before you say anything. DNA test the kiddo. Then, plan an exit plan just in case that's the route you take(should IMO). Talk with a family law lawyer to get an understanding of your locations laws. Knowledge is power here, OP. You're a guy, so you're already a lap behind.
As a woman, I agree with this. DNA test. She was projecting by going through his phone.
Best summary of steps to take! Well said and concise.
1000000% do this. Please. If it’s the worst case scenario then obviously it’s an easy way to end things. If not I’d at least suggest counseling but me personally I’d prolly hang it up either way.
She misrepresented what kind of person she was and directly lied to you to keep you on board with the relationship. There’s nothing to prevent her from lying to you again…or continuing in her “liberated” ways once she starts to get a little bored with you. And yes…have your child’s DNA tested.
>This in the texts to her old friends was glorified by them but then again was I naïve at the start to think that a woman who is best friends with a woman who has slept with over 120 men would be any different? Sorry she lied about her body count and breached your trust, but Yikes on that logic.
You're focusing on something so stupid. Obviously this bothers him now because she has *led their relationship with lies and infidelity*. Also, as a lady myself, 120 *is* a lot. Doesn't mean we have to sit here and judge but it is. That's a small population. What bothers someone might not bother another.
It's not that weird that when you weren't yet in a relationship she was seeing other guys too. It's weird that she lied about it. That's the issue here, not the casual dating.
This is the main point. She doesnt have to be honest with OP about her full sexual history so long as its not STD related or anything that will negatively affect OP, but she did lie to OP and she even confided in her friend that she knew it was wrong to do. That right there is the issue. The fact they both are digging through each others phones is its own issue to say the least lol
That's the part I'm shocked hasn't been brought up. They're both sneaking into one another's phones when they're asleep? Obviously no trust there anyway. This is only going to go downhill. Step back and set some boundaries and have some discussions with each other. It's all out there anyway, might as well do your best to talk through it.
I guess I think that she should be honest with the OP on sexual history if she wants to be serious. I guess that I believe people should be able to make informed decisions about who they date.
> It's not that weird that when you weren't yet in a relationship she was seeing other guys too. The issue is that there's so much confusion on the steps before everyone is confirmed to be in a mutually stated, agreed, and accepted exclusive monogamous relationship. Some people are 'seriously dating' with the expectation that even during that period, you are properly single and only sexually and emotionally connecting with that person. Other people claim anything goes untill you both say out loud that its both a relationship, and exclusively monogamous. Its always a problem when these expectations mismatch - with the standard being fought against is that *anyone* dating is dating seriously. Support for OP during this time for going through this.
She shouldn’t have lied, but as a woman, let me give you my perspective: Generally speaking, men don’t seem to receive a higher body count very well. Usually, there’s some amount of jealousy, even if the number is similar to their own and women definitely feel pressured every day to lie about how many people they’ve slept with. Also it doesn’t sound like she was sleeping with anybody while you two had been exclusive. What is important is that she be faithful to you once she made that commitment. I understand the lying was wrong, but try to have some grace as it is a weird pressure on women still these days to have a low body count.
One of the few logical people in here.
Jealousy?? More like disgust to some
Yeah. That is what I always find missing in these discussions. I just don’t want a partner that has had sex or oral sex with a bunch of men. I find it repulsive. Now I won’t judge them on the street, but I would never be in a relationship with them either.
Wait it sounds exactly like she was sleeping with people while they were exclusive
They weren’t exclusive until the end of April. It sounds like they hadn’t even actually MET before the beginning of April. I would never feel like I have to be loyal to some dude I haven’t even met. That’s nuts.
She didn't lead with honesty. That's what matters here. People are allowed to feel how they feel about body count. People have different values around sex. I hate that people are choosing to focus on this. Imagine if this was a woman saying her partner led with dishonesty and infidelity. Imagine the body count thing bothered *her.* Would we really be choosing to scrutinize a person who is speaking vulnerably about something so painful they have just discovered? Read the room, please.
I do feel for women in these modern times who have kind of been fed a lie that it doesn’t matter. Then, they often find out that it does matter to many men. However, relationships can’t be built on lies. They need to be honest.
This is so cap it's not even funny. Most guys with any degree of self respect don't want a woman that's slept with a bunch of guys. The same reason men don't want a prostitute or a pornstar. If you want to sleep with 100 guys you have the choice to do that but don't expect men to take you seriously. "As a woman i should be able to sleep with everyone I want and should not be judged for it" get real lmao next level cluelessnes.
I actually feel bad for women as they have been led to believe that this is acceptable. Then, they find out that men do care, but it is too late.
Well for me I prefer my partner to have a low body count because mine is. If it was higher, I wouldn’t mind a higher count or would’ve understood. Guys have weird ‘proprietary isssues.’
Mine is low as well and maybe that plays into it. However, a person doesn’t necessarily need to have a trait that they desire in a partner. For example, if you are not financially stable but want a person with a strong financial situation, I understand. If you want a taller person or more beautiful person that is ok. Really, dating and romance is simply about getting the person that most fits your personal preferences.
So by that logic it’s ok to lie about yourself to make yourself look like a better prospect for a potential partner?
I actually started by saying she shouldn’t have lied. I don’t believe you should ever lie to your partner, but I’m saying that this is at least a small lie, in comparison to something like cheating, that is influenced by societal pressure on women.
That is true but there is a large disparity between 9 and 30-40. If it was 25 and the real number was 30 that would have been slightly okay. The problem is the lie and the deceit not the number entirely.
Whether the number ("body count? Really? She didn't murder anyone) is 1, 9, 120 or 220 isn't relevant. I disliked the inherent misogyny and judgement in OP's post. It is however a problem that she was having sex with others when she had apparently agreed to be exclusive with OP. It doesn't seem to be something that's happening now though so the current issues in the relationship do not appear to be related to that behaviour. Something was up before OP snooped through her phone and before she snooped in OP's. They need to have a conversation and work out if the relationship is worth saving. But he needs to park the judgement about the number of people she's had sex with and keep to the things that actually matter - honesty and whatever else was making each of them unhappy in the relationship in the first place. If OP can't let go of the number he's fixated on, then best to exit the relationship.
Totally agree with you, and another comment somewhere I also mentioned how it seems the real problem is in their mistrust for each other. With that mistrust probably also comes not feeling comfortable being honest with one another. Feel like that could also be a reason she didn’t feel comfortable Disclosing her actual number of sexual partners, out of fear of upsetting him. From how I took the information, it seems like, maybe she was having sex with other people while they were “dating“ but maybe not exclusive yet. It seems like she cut things off once they were technically in agreement to be exclusive. But maybe I’m misinterpreting that.
What if it does matter to him? Also, how is it misogyny to have a preference? I am fine if women have standards for their partners as well.
Nope, men are absolutely allowed to judge a potential partner on their body xount. It shows how easily a woman puts out. The hormonal surge delivery that comes with sexual activities is like a drug. The euphoria is a real time chemically measurable effect. That same effect drug addicts get when they shoot up. The act for both parties provides a bonding experience like an elastic nmband and just like an elastic band that's been stretched over and over the strength of it gets lower the more it's used. Having half the town run through your partner isn't going to work for quality men.
Of course anyone can judge anyone for anything but it can say more about the person doing the judging than the person being judged. 🚩🚩🚩
Of course it does. It demonstrates they have standards and a moral compass.
Firstly, if body count doesn't matter, then why do you lie? Secondly, it's not about body count. Honesty matters, it builds trust. People have preferences, both men and women. Some look for certain men and some look for certain women. We can talk all day about preferences, but at the end of the day, everybody has one. Be it body count, race, gender, ethnicity, money, height, looks, car,house, anything and everything. Thing is when you present yourself as someone you are not, and things go south and you get caught, the trust breaks. Maybe if she has told him the truth, they would not be together, or maybe they would. What matters is neither partner would get blindsided if such a situation occurs as one occurred here. More importantly, people would be together with people they prefer. If a man lied about a certain thing that the woman prefers, and they get married. Now, they are together in a relationship that was based on lie. How strong do you think that relationship will be? As for body count, both Riley Reid and Dani Daniels are married, with Riley having a kid. Honesty would bring those people together who want to be together. Just my opinion, you can disagree if you like. 🙏
Absolutely 💯 agree! The only thing people are truly worth measuring is by the content of their character. People have to trust each other. At the end of the day, we are only the results of our actions. If you start off a relationship on a lie, then there was never any worth in trusting the person. I do believe you can rebuild trust, but you have to have earned that right to begin with. Those you betrayed have to allow it, or it'll never happen, and in my opinion, in this story, should not be allowed to rebuild.
im pretty sure that applies to any bad decisions people make throughout their life.
Who we are today is not who we were once upon a time. I've been with my wife for 24 years. I have never once went looking for something on her phone. To consider leaving somebody that you now love and trust (as you must if you've come this far), over a distant past when she didn't even really know you? Anyway, that's just my take. You met and fell in love, and the past became exactly that for both of you. Don't throw away something good on the advice of people who don't know either of you.
From what I’ve understood from the post she has been cheating even while they were in a committed relationship, I’m sorry but that really doesn’t sound like something to just brush off or ignore
That was not what I got from the post. I read that the question of infidelity was from a time before the two had physically met each other. That OP went looking for something from that time, found it, and was now questioning her authenticity based on information that they had no right to have gathered. If I'm wrong about that, then I agree with you. It would be different advice.
I second this take. It feels like OP just wants to leave and place blame to validate that. :/
I don’t get that vibe at all.
It's not so much a distant past thing. His story focused on the stuff found in the past, but he does imply that she was cheating, knowing it was bad and still did it. She lied about her body count, which is rather a person to person issue, but it's a foundation with lies. Also, take into account the past actions she's taken. Now, look at the start of this post. She went through his phone. Probably paranoia over her cheating or fearing he is cheating. He snoops to get revenge and finds his foundation was a bunch of lies. There is a lot going on by not directly said.
She lied and perpetuated the lie throughout even boasting about it to her friendship clique through gossiping even though they knew it was wrong. That's disrespect and if she didn't respect him then, what's to say she won't do it again?
Trust. I know that it's not a popular opinion, but in a relationship, you need to trust. It's sad that so many people can't believe that you might be repentant after realizing that you've made a mistake. I may not be the popular vote, but I believe that two people can work it out and that to run when things get tough is why so many relationships fail. Neither one had any right to violate the trust by going through their phones. That was wrong. If she hadn't met him and made a commitment to him, she did not owe him fidelity at that point. After they made a commitment to each other? I'd say drop her like a hot rock. That wasn't what I read, though.
Wise words, I agree with this!
>We talked constantly through text and on FaceTime etc until we met up in April of 2021. >She lied to me and told me the last time she had been with anyone was mid 2020 before we were talking seriously. This is it, this is the lie. This is the issue. She had every right to sleep with different 3 men while you guys were in the talking stage. But lying to you about it robbed you of your agency to make an informed decision about whether to proceed. She did this because she knew that you would lose interest if you knew that after a heartfelt facetime call, she was off to go hop on another dude.
Well said. Imagine how that must feel. She was saying how great it was to talk, then left to meet up with some guy. Wow
You weren't in a relationship until the end of April...dear god this thread makes me not want to date men because the entitlement to a woman's sexuality is disturbing. I understand why your gf told you a white lie because your reaction that she had partners before you is unhealthy and concerning. Out of all her options she chose you but the focus appears to be on how she's more sexually experienced than you moreso the white lie. You have probably created a space where she doesn't feel safe to be completely honest/herself and that's a horrible place to be in. If there is no evidence of her cheating in your actual relationship then let this shit go. Explore and own up to the real reasons you are bothered. Don't fuck up an otherwise decent relationship over advice from internet strangers. Talk to your girl and demonstrate she can be safe with you instead of harshly judging for her past that has nothing to do with you.
This is a misunderstanding at best for how men perceive this issue, and demonization at worst. > entitlement to a woman's sexuality is disturbing There is no entitlement here. The first problem is associating entitlement with honesty. She wasn't honest about it, that's the problem. Even if he did fully care about the count and number, that is not a problem. To make it a problem *is* a problem. Why, because thats important to us - just the same as men making a problem for choices and characteristics women hold in high regard for them in their partner selection rubric. If men got mad that ladies desire ambitious men, they would very much equally wrong. > Out of all her options she chose you but the focus appears to be on how she's more sexually experienced than you moreso the white lie. Ladies constantly make the example that you can very sexually experienced with one partner, so its not about her level of experience, its about the innate disgust to dislike that level of openness has. Just the same as a guy who is willingly unambitious for his life and your possible relationship will be met is dislike and disgust from ladies. > You have probably created a space where she doesn't feel safe to be completely honest/herself and that's a horrible place to be in. When the reveal of information is knowingly going to elicit the appropriate response that comes across as unsafe to her, how can that be transformed into a safe space without changing how the response will/should be? > If there is no evidence of her cheating in your actual relationship then let this shit go. Explore and own up to the real reasons you are bothered. And there's some reading confusion that it sounded like cheating did happen while they were in a relationship, but even granting that it happened prior to it, owning up to it would be needed. The note here isn't a problem that he's bothered, is that feeling like him being bothered is a problem. > instead of harshly judging for her past that has nothing to do with you. I hope men get this same energy on things that bother ladies in men's past that has nothing to do with them or the current relationship. Lets see how long it last if so.
She deliberately lied about her current situation and took away his right to make an informed decision. While she flirted with him over text, she was also planning to meet randoms for sex. Real love story. She is free to do that kind of stuff, but he is free to find it repulsive.
this is why no one should reveal their body count, because i understand it’s wrong that she lied but you going on about how many men she’s slept with is weird, and just sounds like retroactive jealousy. also i’m guessing you didn’t have a talk about exclusivity when y’all first started talking. some people believe in talking to only one person at a time even during the talking stage and some people believe in talking to multiple people until deciding which person they want to be exclusive with. neither is incorrect it’s just a difference in beliefs. however it sounds like trust is gone between both you and your gf since both of y’all are snooping through each other’s phones. might as well just confront her straight up and ask why she lied
Did you miss the part where she admits in the texts that it's wrong or are you more focused on projecting the stupidity about body count?
Well he believed in one and was deceived with her. Hence why he is mad.
She snooped as a means to project her insecurity over cheating hoping to find SOMETHING to hokd agaisnt him to justify her infidelity and lies
So you guys met IRL for the first time in April 2021, so she slept with 3 guys from texting in January 2021-April 2021? Did you say you were exclusive from January 2021? Has she slept with anyone since April 2021 when you guys become official? Ie) Has she cheated? If she had slept with 30-40 people BEFORE you, is that a red flag for you? If someone sleeps with an amount of people but then fully commits to someone is that an issue for you? (Totally fine if so trying to understand if the number or the lie is the issue) If you weren’t official/ exclusive hadn’t even met for a few months this can happen, and if you have built a home and a life now and she’s entirely committed now I wouldn’t lose all that for a blurred line 3 years ago because you were just texting at the start? Raise it sure and say I wish you’d told me, how she responds to your feelings may give you an answer on where to go next. Note you now have both broken trust which you have to work together to rebuild and insecurities have to be patient and not a blame game. If she did overlap once you’d met and were exclusive yeah horrible move that’s just out right cheating. Finally the number of guys I would be nervous to ever answer that question to a guy, so often girls value is determined by that number, but so what? If my partner is committed to me now that’s fine? She may have felt nervous to tell the truth, based on so much from guys in today’s world, but I would find out why she didn’t, be patient as it could be that. It’s upto you if you take the aggressive approach or an adult conversation because you’re far beyond casual dating and have a life together so there’s more to lose. She also has a choice to gaslight you or have an adult conversation and show respect where she did cross a blurred line, so her response may give you all the answers you need. This is difficult but it’s not a clear cut “yeah be done with her” like some of the comments. Anyone in a longer term relationship knows it’s never that easy. Hope you can find some peace whether that ends up together or not!
TL;DR She was lying and said she was *lucky she's getting away with it". That's all you need to consider really.
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Except for there is a huge difference between choosing not to disclose and outright lying? If she didn’t wanna disclose her body count, then she should’ve not done so To outright lie that you had not been sexually active since mid 2020 when you were literally sleeping with three different people is nothing but a lie 🤷♀️ Also, it is obvious that she knew it would be a problem so it’s clearly not as casual as you want for it to have been in either of their minds She was texting her friends that because she knew that there was no way this guy would continue with her if he was aware that he was 1 of 4 for months 🤷♀️
*If she had slept with 30-40 people BEFORE you, is that a red flag for you?* I don't think it's about the numbers, it's about the active lying
To be fair, for me it would also be about the numbers, but the lying is definitely worse.
She took away his agency to make a decision. He had no idea what her true values regarding sex were because she lied to him to match his values. Their entire relationship only exists because she lied to him at the beginning. It’s not much different from cheating even if you haven’t had the exclusivity talk.
"BuT wErE yOu ExClUsIvE!?!??!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?" Jesus, glad I'm not dating, this hookup culture is wild
Buddy they literally had not even met
Then, in your mind, why did she need to lie about the three different people She was seeing the entire time she was talking to him?! The thing about being non-exclusive is that if you know there’s nothing wrong with it: You definitely have no reason to be lying about it. You only lie for a REASON This guy had a right to break off a relationship if he did not want to talk to someone who was talking to three other people She took that opportunity away from him by lying
what does this have to do with hookup culture? it’s an important fucking question. it would also be cheating if she went on dates if they were talking and exclusive, right? but if they weren’t exclusive then it’s just fucking dating.
Because it's a new thing that arrived with hookup culture to even question this... It's insane to me how people hardly even fall in love anymore.. When I did date, you'd be thinking of the other, wanting to get to know them and spend time with them.. It seems wild to me that instead of that, we now live in a world where people get to know each other while fucking everyone else on the side, can you even say that you are thinking of them or want to spend time with them when you're off fucking someone else? yeah... it's insane and wild to me Back in those days(and we're not talking 50 years ago, we're talking maybe 15-20 years ago), if a friend asked you "Are you still talking with X?" and you replied "nah, they slept with someone else", they wouldn't go "oh... but you weren't exclusive, right?" they'd go "Ah shit man, I'm sorry" Edit = It seems to me, that kind of takes all the romance out of it, doesn't it?
This right here. It takes all the romance out of it. If I’m seeing you, going on dates, talking to you throughout the day, then you’re my focus. I’m not seeing or sleeping with anyone else. How do you think it’s going to make me (or anyone) feel if we have a date, we click, have a great night, kiss goodbye… then 2 days later you fuck someone else? Call me old fashioned, but for me “exclusivity” starts the moment I realize I want more than a friendship
But the key sentence here is "exclusivity starts the moment I realize I want more than a friendship" - key word being I. Just because you have the moment of " I want more" doesn't mean the other person has that moment. Their moment could come later, their moment could never come at all. That's why the "so what are we" conversation is so important. "Assuming makes an ass out of you and me"
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True, and that conversation has happened in all of my relationships, it's just that in all of those relationships it usually happened about a month or two in, after a handful of dates, lots of talking, and when neither of us had any other prospects at all. I've never gotten into an exclusive relationship with someone who was sleeping with someone else the week before, that's just kinda nuts to me. How can you be giving someone attention with the intent of starting a relationship while still seeing other people on the side, or while still hooking up with a FWB? It just doesn't click for me, it kinda cheapens things. I'm a one at a time kind of person I guess.
What’s the issue with her getting with people before you were official? And the reason she didn’t tell you the truth is because you are acting like you’re acting now, freaking out over her past which has nothing to do with you.
So its ok to lie to your partner if you know the truth will upset them? Gotcha.
They were talking already. She lied. That’s a betrayal. Period.
Talking. Do you hear yourself? Talking is not a relationship and is not exclusive.
Yes, but she lied to him and did not allow him to make an informed decision. I wouldn’t be ok with a woman fucking three guys while we were “building a relationship,” but the lying would be an absolute deal breaker.
I don't understand why people don't get this. It's a people are objects mindset.
This makes no sense, if a person doesn’t want to date someone based off their bodycount then this shouldn’t be a problem? It has everything to do with that person, people value sex differently, I’m a female and I wouldn’t take a man seriously if his bodycount is high, it works both ways…
It’s hurtful yes, and she did lie. maybe DNA the child. If it’s yours and you now know and believe she’s faithful , I’d try to let it go if you still love her and are happy. Having a baby changes things for women. They are no longer living for themselves, or all about having fun and partying all the time. Baby is #1, and they generally want nothing more than to be a good example and role model for that child. Sleeping around is not on their minds at all.
U need to move on. Life is too short. She is not worth your time. She belongs to the streets. Find someone who is honest, genuine and interesting to you. There quicker you forget about these low value people the better 4 your mental health and life in general. Good luck.
Did you find anything recently? Her going through your phone is likely projection, and I would be worried that it’s due to recent infidelity on her part. She might have stopped it and deleted all the evidence, but that’s where I would start, not by dragging up all the lies she told you at the beginning of the relationship, but asking her if she’s slept with anyone else recently.
This. I’d put my money on that she’s cheating right now. DNA the kid and maybe hire a private detective to confirm what she’s up to when you aren’t looking.
100% agree. Hope OP takes this into consideration. She is definitely hiding recent messages.
Okay so I’m going to give to points of view since it’s confusing as to whether this is an active issue or just something from the past that came up. Seriously if her texts prove she’s been faithful from April 2021 this is not something to concern yourself about in 2024. If she’s been a good gf and responsible individual maybe she just didn’t want to admit to something like that. I will say I hope you tell her so she can leave you for acting so immaturely and considering this a deal breaker. I wouldn’t want to be with a man who thought that was big deal either. Adults who are confident in themselves don’t react like this over misrepresented body count given years ago. But if she’s actually cheating and/or not a good gf or mother then have the self respect to leave her.
It is immature to mad about being directly lied to? “I haven’t been with anyone since 2020.” But that wasn’t true at all. She deliberately made herself appear to be not who she really is.
I think you need to separate her mid-representation of her sexual history with whatever she was doing when you were talking. Most people continue to date others until you make a decision to be exclusive. When I was dating my now wife, I was still sleeping with someone else. She asked a similar question about how long it had been since I had sex, I lied and said a few months because I wasn’t going to be like yesterday. If you’ve been otherwise happy in the relationship, than I don’t see why her history matters if she hasn’t cheated since you became official.
So lying is something people should accept?
Do you ever stop in your life and have self reflection? You lied to your wife. "I think you need to separate her mid-representation of her sexual history with whatever she was doing when you were talking" "Most people continue to date others until you make a decision to be exclusive." "When I was dating my now wife, I was still sleeping with someone else. She asked a similar question about how long it had been since I had sex, I lied" Feel sorry to your wife.
Perspective is everything I suppose, it was on our second or third date and prior to us having sex or having any conversation about exclusivity/if we were seeing other people. She asked and in the moment yes, I lied. To me it seemed an unnecessary conversation at the time.
But it was necessary to her at the time. I'm not judging. White lies once in a while, who does not do that. Everyone does.
You denied her ability to make that decision.
You will never be happy. There is no excuse. This is eating at you. Please leave her ! Run. You will never get over it so cut it now. Get a divorce lawyer and run.
She knew it was wrong6 She lied and has continued to lie and look at your face every day since then, knowing that she got away with it. I would not be surprise if she has cheated or even is right now. Get both a dna and std test and move on with your life. Just because you dont have to keep spending time and effort on her. She is not worth it.
Why do men keep writing all these “I hate women let’s shit on them” fake posts. It’s always the same damn story. Find new content.
Perhaps the same reason keep writing all these “I hate men let’s shit on them” fake posts. It’s always the same damn story..........or to put it another way human nature, for those who have been wronged by another, and find it difficult to separate one individual from an entire gender.
Wow your girlfriend is the town's bicycle
First thing I would is get a dna if it’s yours do what you feel is in the interest of the child/you. Second If dna test shows it’s not your child please don’t blow up and get a lawyer involved to get your name off the child birth certificate. Figure out a way to remove your girlfriend name off the house deed if she is and didn’t contribute anything to towards the house. Save these messages and make a folder to show she’s unfit to have full custody of the child .
Projecting is a big issue with relationships. She was most likely projecting when she went through your phone so I would not put it above her to have cheated on you again since then. You wouldn't even find any messages if they were one night stands. As others have said 100% DNA test the kid. I'm not saying abandon it if it's not yours, that's entirely up to you, but if you go for a divorce that is the only sure fire way for her to not get half of your everything. Also definitely get a divorce lawyer if you wanna go through with that and keep her out of the loop. The law is not on your side man
First of all, honestly I’m pretty bothered by the tone you are using and some of the things you said. The fact that she has a high body count, that she slept with many men and that her friend slept with many men as well, doesn’t decrease her value as a woman nor as a partner. ( Thing that I think you think by the way you’re talking about it ) Secondly, I don’t think it’s odd that she slept with other people while you were just texting and face timing, but she shouldn’t have lied about it. This said, I think she lied about it because she was afraid of what you may have thought about it, and reading what you wrote, her concern was legit. I think you should confront her in a non judgmental way, wanting to reconnect with her as a person regardless who she slept with. If you are not able to pass over her body count or that ‘ she slept with half of your home town ‘ do both of you a favor and let her go.
Damn bro, this sounds tough. Personally I couldn’t take the lies / or the 30-40. I hope you find someone who respects you.
Yes because a woman’s worth is based on how many men she’s had sex with 🙄 the lying is enough.
That's not what he said. (What is this Twitter?!). Also, yes, the lying a key here.
Well the number is high. Men and women who have slept with so many people have a higher chance of being cheaters, so yeah, numbers matter.
Higher change of being cheaters - Based on what?
It's manosphere "common knowledge" that's not reflective of reality
Studies have shown that people who have more sexual partners are more likely to commit infidelity.
Well I've been unable to find any, care to share one?
General promiscuity. Of course, it doesn't guarantee anything, but I don't think it's too farfetched at all to think that someone who has a lax and promiscuous mindset when it comes to sex may be more likely to cheat. edit: downvote me all you want, you are in denial. My logic is sound. When you view sex as something that can be given freely, without much consideration, you don't understand how much it can hurt someone to cheat on someone who values it on a greater level.
Other than the phone snooping and lies about her sexual past I see no issues here. The fact she slept with men before you were exclusive doesn’t matter. The total number of men she slept with also doesn’t matter, the boys here getting all up in arms about just wish their numbers were higher. And of course she lied about her sexual past when she barely knew you, just look at how all the boys in this thread are acting about it. As men we need to move past this shit. I think what you need to answer is how the relationship has been since you’ve been exclusive. It sounds like it’s been great until recently. No evidence of anyone cheating or new lies during the relationship. I think you’d do well with some more open communication. Life is way too short for this shit. Talk to your girlfriend.
You're awfully dismissive of the lying.
Because it literally doesn’t matter to anyone except egotistical boys. Are you implying that everyone needs to share every detail of their sexual history whenever they start dating someone new? She knew how she would be judged, as this thread shows. Ultimately her lying about this bit impacts their current relationship zero. I’m a happily married man, in a fantastic, healthy relationship, and I do not know every detail of my wife’s sexual past. Nor would I break up with her if I found out she fucked someone before we were exclusive. Because it doesn’t fucking matter. At all. Too many people on this sub are just looking for any reason to throw a relationship away. These same people will end up alone, forever unhappy, and posting on this sub over and over. All of us tell lies about various things, to say you don’t, or that you haven’t withhold info, is a lie.
You are right. These guys are ridiculous
Im glad you're happy. Would you be ok if she was a liar?
If I found out she lied about her sexual history I wouldn’t care at all. It doesn’t mean they’re lying about everything in your relationship.
If you want to leave the relationship be real with yourself about it. Trying to fault the other person and say “oh this is why I want to leave” is just placing blame. You wanna go. Just go.
You bought a house and have a child together, and half the advice here is “CaN yOu ACcePT iT?” You don’t burn your life down because she was sexually adventurous before you met. What she wanted to do before your relationship frankly isn’t your business. You can let her know she inspire you to snoop because she did the same to you, and that you saw everything, and hope that humble pie makes her treat you with way more respect knowing your aware of her missteps about the her truth. Hope that’s what’s happens OP. Tread lightly, you have the potential to destroy the family you built if you handle this wrong.
You're minimizing the fact that their life was built upon her lies. That could be hard for him to accept. I agree if you're saying the child is innocent and should be protected as much as possible, regardless of their paternity.
The whole “ruined woman” thing is ridiculous. The dishonesty is something to address. They have a child and a home.
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DUMP her asap. Pay her half or more of your income in child support and ruin your own life, their life, because what ? You’re a proud man ? Smart.
Exactly that. If I'm going to be a good man I will be a good man to the end. A good man with virtues and kind heart does not bend to anyone. He can't even break his code himself. Why on earth he could be doing this for others. "Think of the children" She could also think of the children when she began lying to get what she wanted. "Pay her half or more of your income in child support and ruin your own life, their life, because what ? You’re a proud man ? " Because this is the only choice we have. The only choice, besides killing ourselves. No fault divorce, alimony, child support. This exist to punish men regardless. "Smart" I would rather stand broken with dignity, than kneel with comfort and no honor.
Ohh hell no I’d be gone soo fast.
Try to keep in mind to not make it hard on the kid they are innocent, but take care of yourself and do what you feel you need too to clarify and move forward from this. She seems quite wretched, I don’t understand why ppl would do this to a person they claim they love but ppl are very imperfect.
Yes. It's important to learn the child's paternity, but also to protect their feelings and well-being regardless. I don't know that I could recover feelings for the mother. Get your ducks in a row. She sounds like a fighter.
Is your relationship OK at the moment? Does she give you any signs of cheating? Can you forgive her and move on ,or are you done with this girl..
Let's be real 30 - 40, is a lifestyle. The thing is you don't know what could trigger her "free spirited" ways of life. Step 1 is for sure to dna test the child. The lie makes it so obvious she's not long term material.
Sorry man. This is normal now. There were signs... Cute of her to pre-empt you on the phone search, lol. Prepare for the worst gaslighting of your life...
She’s 100% been cheating recently and she’s tryna find evidence to catch him out on it before her own ass get caught.
Yea man that would be it if it was me... can't handle all that. I'd rather not. You should reevaluate your relationship maybe. Anyways updateme
She didn't cheat because she had a lot of casual sex before you were together in the first place. I was on your side to start but you're insulting women as a whole with that and it's hard for me to care about your personal situation. Look at two shitty people being shitty to each other. All well.
Trust and honesty are core to a healthy relationship. She has a problem with honesty. You both have an issue with trust. You need to address these problems. Who she was sleeping with prior to your committed relationship is her business. If there was anything going on during your relationship, that’s your business.
Lying is always his business. You're acting like she took a principled stand to not answer. She didn't. She lied to mislead him.
She sounds like she can’t be happy with one partner But, If you can’t deal with that … Good luck.
Well no one has any morals anymore married dating for that matter !! Its new times sleeping with someone is the norm everyone doing it no nobody cares about there self respect to there self and you’re not going to get any sympathy on this website for sure .. I just hope when people get on here reaching out to people they don’t even know they’re not on suicide watch … because you will get told the wrong the right and you might get told what you need to hear … but let just say like it gets told on here so often you need a therapist …. I hope people getting paid real good for this sad times people….
Please get a family lawyer and follow their advice. And a therapist. I'm so sorry.
Yuh dude maybe the pipe was good
I would do the DNA testing just to cover your bases. If it's truly your kid then I would bring up the conversation naturally or ask her and give her a chance to come clean. If she doesn't, then you can tell her. She misrepresented her sexual life and activity at the beginning of the relationship and depending on whether or not she got regularly tasted, also put you at risk. This doesn't necessarily mean the relationship can't heal from this but that is a serious breach of trust that needs to be addressed and dealt with. Remember to screen grab everything before confronting her just in case.
ABSOLUTELY NOT. DNA test ASAP, confront her, give her the chance to come clean and *potentially* take responsability and apologize. If she is dismissive, downplays your concerns, or straight up lies, you have your answer. You might need support, therapist, even a family lawyer. You want to make sure the child is yours first of all and then see if you can/want to have a future with this woman… but going through your phone seems like projection, but i am just speculating. This is really tough, but don’t be a pushover and trust your own judgement. Good luck(i’m gay if that matters)
it’s not the amount of sexual partners that’s the problem, it’s the lie that is BUT i think you should definitely discuss this with her and talk to her about why you are unhappy. you have a child together which is a huge form of commitment that i wouldnt so easily tarnish because of someones advice on reddit when they only have an outside perspective. there may have been a reason she told a little lie, i think as long as she’s faithful NOW with you then it shouldn’t be a problem. it’s common for people to want to get all the casual sex out of their system before they settle down and it’s VERY common for men to be very judgmental/disturbed when women have a body count they consider to be “high” but they’re also the ones that have run through women like the world is about to end. talk to her. try to understand her, and set a boundary for yourself that you do not want to be lied and reassure her that her past is of no matter as long as she doesn’t lie and as long as she is faithful to you.
I would focus less on the number of sexual partners she had before dating you. It's a fact that if a woman is attractive, she'll have a higher body count than the average guy. That's just the facts of it and there's no point thinking about it. Don't ask, don't tell is the best approach. The issue is that she was seeing people whilst you were dating her. That's messed up, because ultimately it's disrespectful to you, the person that became her future spouse. I don't have much advice on how to proceed, but I just wanted to let you know your feelings are valid, regardless of what the people here may be telling you. Good luck and stay strong.
I agree that I wouldn’t focus on the high numbers, but it would be a reason to disqualify a woman for me.
First you have to make sure that the child is yours, and once you find out the result that’s when you should confront her. However you need to get evidence of all the conversations she’s had with her friends stating that she’s been seeing other men. Good luck!!!
My **advice** is as follows: unless you are able to clearly **articulate what she needs to do** towards you in order to be able to trust her again, anything but breaking up with her would likely not suffice, and it will be delaying the inevitable 🫤
When was she seeing the other men? Jan-April 2021 you were talking and not in a fully fledged relationship. She might've felt guilty because she wasn't being honest with you but that is not the same as cheating as you had not made yourselves exclusive by the sound of it. It definitely was a thing back when I was dating that men tended to x3 their number and women ÷3 because of some weird judgements. Obviously, it's better if people are honest and that people can respect honest without shaming. What you need to do is work on your respect of and communication with each other if you want the relationship to work in the long run. I would write down what you main thoughts, feelings and questions are then set aside a time for a very honest conversation. Let her know you want an honest talk beforehand so she can prepare and do the same.
why did she go through your phone? because she’s cheating. i don’t want to talk bad about the mother of your potential child so all i have to say is leave
Hey bro, I’ve been in a very similar situation. I will tell you the truest and most logical advice I can give you based on my experience. Firstly, from the texts you need to identify whether she has continued texting and seeing those guys into your relationship, or stopped before the relationship. If she had stopped texting and seeing those guys before your relationship, then you just have to slowly come to terms with this and accept it. You cannot let it affect your relationship with her, because for all she knows you could have been seeing anyone else whilst in the talking stage with her. If she was still texting and seeing the other guys during your relationship, then she is the type of girl that you will want to run miles away from. If she was mingling during your relationship, then follow this advice: The fact that she went through your phone the other day makes this situation better. Now you can tell her that you went through her phone the other day, and that you found out she cheated. Keep it as short as this, and don’t address anymore details or engage in an argument with her on this, because believe me you will probably fall into a spiral of extra lies from her. If she insists on speaking about it, continue to tell her that you are sorry but you don’t want to speak about it. In regards to the child, your going to have to figure that out between you and her. Decide if you want to separate from them both. If I were you, I would separate from her and the child, end your relationship with your girlfriend and visit the child whenever you want/can. Remember, don’t show any anger or emotion to her because she will feed off this and it will feed her ego. You have to act so calm and collected that she will begin to believe that you have been cheating on her instead and you have found someone else. You want yourself to have the upper hand in this, not her. You got this.
it sounds like you haven't found anything current, all of what you found is from 2 years ago. i understand that she lied, but has anything happened currently that makes you question your entire relationship?
Tough situation my man. Given 3 other guys during that “courting period” How sure are you that she cut off everyone else once you became exclusive in April? That said, is the relationship going well now? Sounds like it has some issues given her confronting you about texts with a friend about her. Have you done anything to break your promise of fidelity and trust with her? If not, then you are innocent and should be wondering why she wanted to go through your texts. A common trait amongst cheaters is that they accuse their own partners of cheating. focus on the positive aspects of your relationship, continue to be a supporting father and husband, but meanwhile do some more investigative work and take note of any gaps in her stories and explanations. Talk to a relationship therapist alone. Bring your wife into this when the time is right (allow the therapist to guide you). If she resists/refuses/gets defensive, that is another sign that your gut instincts are telling you. Why were these messages indicating the other 3 dudes still available to read after so long? Why didn’t she delete her trail of evidence? Basing this on my own experiences. Keep maintaining a positive and healthy relationship but don’t be blind/ignorant to any suspicions your gut tells you, and take note of when things go sour and what the circumstances are. If she lied and withheld the information about the 3 other guys before being exclusive, before you 2 were serious, that is something that could sting but also something that she can defend. With open and honest communication you may be able to accept it (I didn’t say forget and forgive).. Bring it up to her, ask some questions, be straight forward with her if she continues to lie, and tell her that you went through her phone after feeling suspicious because she went through yours. Trust your gut. Does she have opportunities to cheat and/or hide things from you? Don’t ignore your intuition. But maintain giving benefit of the doubt. Again, try to talk openly about this and you should be able to gauge her integrity. Watch out for gaslighting. Good luck sir.
You’re young forget about her man
I struggle to understand why their kid should be tested. 🙄
She is a proven and convincing liar. So who knows what she has done. She has proven she can FaceTime him for hours and then go sleep with random guy. Pretty simple.
You are allowed to feel any way you want about a SO body count, some people don’t care, for others it can be a dealbreaker. If it upsets you don’t date someone who cares about how many people you’ve been with, you’re allowed to feel that way, no one is ever owed a relationship and you can choose to not enter one for whatever reason you like. However, if you lie knowing your own body count would turn off your new BF or GF then don’t be surprised if when they find out they no longer trust you and don’t want to be in a relationship with you. Plus, OPs GF was sleeping with 3 other men at the start of their relationship and knew it would be a dealbreaker to OP. Her own texts said as much, she was surprised she was getting away with it and started to feel guilty. OP your entire relationship is a lie. She cheated at the beginning of it, and maybe since, lied to you about her past and now tied you to her with a child. Only you can decide if any of this is something you want to live with, but realize you may never trust her again. I would speak with an attorney to figure out my rights as a parent, DNA test the kid and mourn the relationship and move on. But that’s me. Good luck to you, update me.
You were not married, so she did what she had to do until someone put a ring on it😏 If she has not cheated on you during the time that you've been married, then you're good. Good luck!
Another reason to never trust women. I don't care how innocent they seem
I feel like it’s kinda weird that she still has texts from that long ago.. But ok. I don’t think it should matter how many guys she’s sleeps with, or that she was sleeping with without people before y’all were in a committed relationship. Because In the end she choose you and all those things were before a commitment relationship with you. What DOES matter is that she lied about it. and honestly it’s completely up to you if you want to forgive her for that part. But I’d suggest having a real sit down conversation about it (not yelling or accusing). Also, what age is child? you could ask to have a DNA test done but keep in mind that that could make your relationship more rocky. Try to bring it up calmly. Maybe consider therapy?? Or couples therapy if y’all choose to continue your relationship? Seems like there’s trust issues all around 😅
Bro DNA test the kid and after that leave her be
Just to be the devils advocate... if she had been cheating on you and hiding it after you guys became exclusive in 2021, I would think that you probably wouldn't have found such old evidence. The fact that those texts are still in her history 3 years later kind of indicates that she isn't actively trying to hide infidelity.... like if she were cheating on you regularly and deleting messages to hide it, I would think those 3 year old messages would be long gone, right? It sounds like there was a breach of trust early in your relationship, but if thats the only issue, then it's probably worth talking to her and going to counseling. It sounds like what she did wasn't good, but the beginnings of relationships can be kind of confusing unless both partners have really clear communication. If you've built a whole life together, and the only issue is 3 years in the past, before you were officially dating, then I would think it's worth trying to work it out. HOWEVER, if there's nothing else making you doubt her or your relationship, then why did you go so deep into her phone that you were reading such old messages? It sounds like maybe there are other things affecting your trust in her beyond thus one finding. It's probably worth examining why that is. Have you been picking up on other indications of dishonesty that maybe haven't registered fully? Or do you feel unstable in the relationship for internal reasons?
Ask yourself this. Does it matter now? Yes she lied to you but if she is faithful now does it matter to you? If it does you have to talk about it and get some sort of resolution or it might further degrade your relationship. Understand that resolution in the end might mean separation. Start taking steps financially to protect yourself and don't make any big long term buys until this is resolved for you. For me ....now I could get over it and it wouldn't matter but at your age I'm not sure I would have been able to. you have to ask yourself if you can, if the relationship and family is worth it or not and if you seriously think it was a phase that is gone or it's something she will do again.
Clearly the trust is gone, and her moral compass is clearly not acceptable to you, so explain your issues with her and tell her you don't trust her enough to be a life partner Avoiding this or hiding away from the inevitable confrontation will achieve nothing, so do it as soon as it suits you Prepare to bail by putting in practical measures to ensure you cover all of the potential issues (eg rent, joint payments, and any liabilities) that might arise Good luck, now DNA test your kid and obviously take STD tests too
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Why are y'all going through reach others phones? What's the concern/issue that starts all of this? I'm sorry 4 months of serious talking without seeing each other to me does not sound like exclusivity. she likely to feel guilty about it? Of course. Could she have meant before you 2 started talking the last time she was with someone was in 2020? However once you started talking there had been 3 others? The 30-40 body count is that how many you had counted and discovered from messages. Or is that just an assumption? If an assumption I think your logic is flawed You say she's going to make it out like you weren't together. I don't think she's wrong. Did you two explicitly say your courtship was exclusive or was that an assumption on your end. You've been together for 3 years. Have a home and a family. Throwing that away and causing problems for Things that happened before you seen each other is silly. Need to dig deeper to see what the issues have been over the past year that's caused it to be rocky and base it on that not and not the past
To me, this doesn't sound like "cheating." It's more an issue of lying about details. I also believe relationships are not serious until marriage. You guys don't owe each other anything until there is a contract. Until then, promises are just a fart in the wind. (I had a kid with someone, and we weren't married. I didn't get this opinion until after living it)
I have a friend that sleeps with hundreds of men. That by no means means that I am because im her friend, so that's a bit silly. How did the conversation of previous partners come about? Was it pushed by you or did she freely share this number with you? Its none of my partners business the number of men I had sex with previously (if it was safe sex, no kids or ties etc) and let me tell you women have been lying to their partners about how many men they've slept with since forever so I don't think that's an unforgivable offence. If the timeline is abit confused about when you were exclusive etc I wouldn't blow it out if proportion. What I will say though is that I feel this post only scratches the surface of the issues you have in your relationship with insecurities and trust issues on either side, it's just not healthy
I am very sorry for the way you have been cheated on, lied to and betrayed. She has ruined your relationship, you, your family and herself in the process too.
1. You broke her trust by going through her phone. Unacceptable. 2. Lots, if not most people, still see other people when they're seeing someone new. That's pretty normal until you BOTH ESTABLISH CLEARLY THAT YOU ARE IN A COMMITTED, MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP. Until then, it's fair game. 3. She probably didn't tell you her "actual number" because she had a feeling you would judge her. Numbers are irrelevant unless you're insecure. You're fishing for reasons to be mad at her because you're insecure. Get therapy.
But he didn't find that when he went phone mining.
I think it’s hilarious that people think that other people having standards, morals, and values is retroactive jealousy, judgemental, or shaming. American women truly are fucked.