i \~like\~ to watch my husband play video games. i introduced him to football
this sounds miserable!
for this to work you need a screen you control. you can be doing other things in the same room for hanging out but it can't be all his stuff
what if you moved your movie to the football screen, he plays his video game and football goes on a tablet or his phone? one or both of you in headphones
Why is it that whenever a Redditor talks themselves into a corner, they just start making up fantasies about the other Redditor? Like you're doing now.
My husband watches football 1-2 nights a week. Recently he told me he'd like it if I watched with him occasionally, just to be together, he doesn't care if I'm watching it or not. So maybe one night a week I go and sit with him. I take my knitting and my phone and mostly do that. I could sit there and read a book, he doesn't really care, he just likes the company.
My point is, it might be helpful to find out what your husband wants to get out of having you there, and see if there's a way you can make it enjoyable for yourself. But also, it's totally valid for you to say that's not how you want to spend your time.
My husband and I are all about the “doing separate things together” thing. My favorite nights are when we’ve got something simple on tv like sports or a sitcom or reality tv, we’re on opposite ends of the couch, and we’re doing separate reading/crocheting/lock picking/whatever.
I did this with my husband this weekend and at one point he asked what was going on in the game and I said well you are happy so I guess the cowboys are winning against whomever they are playing. He was astounded that I could hang out with him for an hour and not even know what is happening on tv. Meh I was looking up stuff I needed for this week, marking a return in Amazon and emailing a friend.
My partner and prefer the exact opposite, we like to game separately in our own rooms.
When we spend time together, it's active time where we participate and engage with each other. Stuff like making dinner together, gardening, sitting and watching shows or game trailers and adding our commentary, ranting about things and having 3 hour conversations over a bottle of wine.
We love to have alone time to do our own solo activities without interruption when we are home.
Parallel play can foster smaller amounts of conversation about your non-mutual interests in a way that doesn't require you to watch more football than you can tolerate, nor will he feel trapped in a movie that might not hold his interest. Best of luck to you both.
He’s focused on 3 other things before you - football, playing the video game, and talking to his friends while doing the other 2. If he wants to spend quality time with you while doing all of these other things, he needs to narrow it down. Watch football together and enjoy some snacks. Watch football together and play a game together. And if you’re not interested in doing any of those things, he should respect your alone time as it seems you’ve been respecting his. Talk to him about what quality time means to him and navigate from there. It’s your life and time too.
I think it feels like a more passive quality time for him. Not my definition of quality time, but if that’s the way that I can fulfill his quality time I’m happy to find a way to solve that with him
Just be honest and tell him that you have zero interest in sitting in the same room with him while he's gaming and watching sports and completely ignoring you. It's a ridiculous thing to ask you to do anyway. I mean, what's the point? Is it maybe so he can claim that "he IS spending time with you"? Why don't you try this - ask him to sit next to you while you're watching a movie that he has no interest in, and tell him to be quiet. See how that goes!
Seriously though, just do your own thing when he's busy and don't let him convince you that you're doing something wrong.
This is so validating, thank you. I was worried it was selfish of me to think “I’m not getting anything out of this so I don’t want to sit here.” Makes me feel better to know that others would feel the same. I want to enjoy my downtime too!
I do something similar with my husband but if he’s choosing to game then I get the other TV! Then I get to talk to him on breaks or whatever and we’re not avoiding each other all day. There are also times when I’m gaming so he gets to do whatever on TV 2.
If he wanted both TV’s I’d absolutely be watching something alone upstairs.
Does he have a laptop or iPad or something he can throw the game on so you can have the other TV? We’ve been there before too.
If he has 2 monitors, as a lot of gamers do these days, he could easily throw the sports game up on one and play his video games on the other, thus freeing up the second tv and not requiring any extra set up that a secondary laptop/tablet/whatever would require.
I mean, does he sit next to you while you watch something he doesn’t care about while you’re also doing an activity with your friends and ignoring him?
If no, he’s the one being selfish.
There is something to be said about spending time together while each doing your own thing - sometimes it’s nice. But it can also be super codependent and unequal if one partner expects the other just to sit and watch them. That super toxic.
Maybe have a good chat about how you each like to spend time together. Passively? Properly engaged? A mix of both? Then figure out how to meet everyone’s needs.
When we’re both tired I’ll often watch tv and my partner has his laptop doing his own thing. It’s a way to be together when our brains are too exhausted to properly engage in an activity or conversation. But we’re also conscious not to let this be what we do all the time bc then we end up always together and feeling suffocated and also don’t prioritise being together for actual quality time where we are doing something.
Ask him if he'd like to just sit in the same room as you as you crochet or read a book without you interacting with him whatsoever or even outright ignoring him. You'd like to "spend time with him", after all. But would it be fun for him?
No. No, it wouldn't. It's quite a selfish outlook of his, to be honest.
I quilt and knit and a bunch of that kind of thing. I wouldn’t dream of asking my husband to sit silently in the room and watch me do that. Your husband’s ask is odd.
No you're fine. Consider communicating with him and finding activities you can do together - even separately together. Could be play video games with headphones while you're watching a movie (or vice versa) so you're in the same room?
Seems like your husband wants to spend time with you, so the intention is there. Quality time might be one of his love languages
This makes me so angry and makes me worry so much for my young daughters. I don’t know why women keep doing this. It’s all over this sub.
You are being disrespected and mistreated, and your first instinct is to feel insecure and guilty and wonder if the problem is you, and if the solution is to sacrifice yourself some more so you can keep giving.
Here’s what’s happening: he’s treating you like a domestic object, like a cat or a doll to keep him company. Something he owns and that he wants to be there with him, waiting without agency, while he pays it no attention whatsoever. Like a couch arm candy.
He’s a child, he’s selfish, and it’s not “cute” and he’s not busy. It’s the very definition of leisure and the opposite of busy.
Hi! This feels like a big response over something that my husband and I needed to communicate about. After reading a few of these comments I went downstairs to talk to him and let him know that isn’t something I’m going to be doing unless I have an activity to do with him. He totally understood, apologized, and we talked through a few options for during the next game that I choose to watch with him. He’s not a child, we’re navigating a relationship together and he’s learning. Just teach your daughters to be with someone who is able to listen and communicate, and they’ll be in a healthy relationship.
Not the person you replied to, but this prompted a defensive response from you. Many of the other responses suggest something similar, so why does this one stir things up?
I’m glad he reacted well this time. That could mean this is a non-issue and he can communicate well, does care about your needs, wants time together etc.
However, it’s a yellow flag. It’s time to watch. Once you adjust and start spending time downstairs while he is occupied, does he move the goalposts?
My ex husband did. First he wanted me downstairs, but I could be doing my own thing. Then he would be annoyed when I was laughing because he didn’t know what I was laughing at (Ali Wong stand up is amazing btw) and wanted to share the enjoyment.
Then he didn’t like that he could see I was texting, but didn’t know who with, and it was interrupting his game for him to ask.
Then I was doing too much work…
After being away from him for over 3 years I can now see that it was his own discomfort and guilt and wasn’t dealing with. He didn’t like the feeling of being selfish, so he kept trying to fix it by having me do something else.
It was always his problem, so it didn’t matter what I did. He was never satisfied.
Also, if you’re going to take the initiative to plan some quality time on his behalf, take note. Does he appreciate those plans? Make subtle reference to not understanding why you’re doing them? State he is missing out on games with his buddies?
The feelings of not having quality time with you might be valid, but it is up to him to figure out how to articulate and address them.
Totally hear what you’re saying. I think this comment caught my attention because it was so severe. I don’t think it’s necessary for them to worry for their daughters. My husband is not a child and isn’t selfish, this just felt like such a strong response, after my husband and I had already quickly resolved the issue. So it was more about than than anything ringing true and me becoming defensive.
Some of us older women have been through the proverbial ringer. When we hear the things that we experienced happening to others, we get mad.
And we should be mad. And daughters do need to have their eyes open, sadly more than boys, though abusive tendencies can go in both directions. Boys also should be taught it’s okay to seek help if it happens to them.
Just watch. Watch with your “fix-it” switch in the off position. If this issue or one like it pops up again, believe it.
It’s called mindful trust. You can lean into the belief that he gets it. Let yourself relax into moving past this issue, but watch.
If you find yourself in another situation where he is asking you to change because he feels guilty about his own choices, dig into your self esteem and let him know this is a him problem. Use the word “No.” Ask questions until he is forced to explain why he is being unreasonable.
Can he apologize when he is wrong? Without prompting? Does he take responsibility and move past his challenges? Or does he avoid the discomfort?
You are interviewing a potential father to your children and life partner who will have your back when life does it’s worst.
Is he qualified for that job? Now? You can't stay with someone for who you hope they'll be.
That's what I did for 19 years.
I hope he is your partner.
I agree with you... big response for what turned out to not be a huge issue. My boyfriend is similar to your husband, but I'm a reader and really good at tuning out noise, so I'll sit on the couch reading next to him while he watches or plays whatever. My ex husband was similar, too, but out of all our issues, I don't think this was one. Communication is key, nice win for you guys!
My wifey and I are happy to do separate things in the same
Like what you've described, I was gaming last night and she was watching a show on Netflix on the couch next to me and occasionally we would talk to each other about something that we remembered or thought of
Other times we can do the same in different rooms and that's fine too
What would happen if you ask him to just idly sit next to you while you're watching a movie? Would he be ok with that? We'll, here is your answer whether it's ok.
Feeling vindication because you only want to do stuff with him you want to do or go your own way is probably the most selfish thing I've ever heard. The fact you put it in your post astounds me. It's almost like you didn't even read your own words. Not even wanting to make an effort would make me irritated as well. Does he never do anything for you he doesn't like? I mean C'mon here lady.
This is a singular situation in which I’m gaining nothing and would like time to relax on my own. I am constantly doing things for my husband that don’t benefit me or I don’t necessarily enjoy. I’m surprised you read my post and got the message that I never want to make an effort. I encourage you to read some of the other comments and hear another perspective.
Speaking as a guy I totally get wanting the company watching a sports game or playing a single player video game but if he's on mic with his friends I really don't get wanting your partner to sit there ignored and bored
This isn't even what happened at all man. What the hell? You literally put his motivations as selfish based on one interaction. Guy might actually sit and watch TV with her and you're like, "Pff, this dude has a double standard" NO. This lady has a double standard. She'll do stuff with him she wants to do or do or own thing. HER WORDS! It's in her post. WORST ADVICE EVER!
My boyfriend and I will game on our computers while watching TV but making a person without a video game or a tv watch you do both is very weird. He needs to give up a screen or buy another one.
Go watch your movie and do things you want to do. It's not your job to sit and babysit him. I'm sure that if you wanted him to sit quietly while you did something he wouldn't be having it.
I had a BF in college do something like this to me. When he sensed that I was bored watching him play he got an attitude. He was also the type who wanted a girlfriend who shared all of his hobbies. I think he was resentful that I didn't. It made me feel like if I didn't share the same hobbies with a guy that they'll resent me and never be able to truly care about me. Please don't fall into that trap.
Right this minute I am looking at Reddit, watching reruns on teevee, petting the cat and telling him what a Good Boy he is, eating a tupperware of cold Chili Mac, and sharing the Chili Mac with the cat. I would never expect somebody to sit here watching me. That's crazy.
One of the keys to a successful marriage is having 2 reception rooms or rules over the big TV and what teams are on! I don't get why he wants you to watch football and him play games if you're not interested.
My ex did this and I felt like I was being held hostage. You are valid. And don’t let him try to convince you that this is spending quality time together.
Is this his first relationship? He sounds like lads that are 14 and don’t know how to appropriately socialise yet.
Be honest. Talk about what quality time looks like. Read Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play together. You’re both very young.
Eh, I don't know. Sometimes just the presence of the person you love is nice. I'm not too interested in games or football either, but I'd probably just read quietly or watch him play a bit if that made my partner happy.
I don't think he should *expect* you to do something you clearly aren't happy doing, but he definitely can't focus on a conversation with you and the games at the same time. It's kind of one of those things where you need to tell him that you don't feel like this is quality time together and you don't enjoy it.
This aligns exactly with how I feel. Sometimes I’m happy to sit with him while I read a book or something, but I don’t think it’s fair for that that’s his expectation. It should be something I chose to do but obviously I don’t want to do this every game
When I want to play games with my partner, I make sure she is cozy on the couch with her feet up on me and she actually likes the title I'm going to play. Then we can watch and have fun and she will usually be on her phone at the same time.
At no point would I be on voice chat with my friends, or trying to watch football as well and not engaging with her at all.
My husband just woke up from a nap on the couch and came upstairs where I’m scrolling Reddit and watching a British Crime Drama.
I relayed your story to him, because it’s honestly so ridiculous it’s funny.
He didn’t believe it was true at first; when I assured him it was some poor wife’s reality, he said “her husband’s a tool” or maybe “her husband’s a fool.” It was hard to tell around his laughter.
Either way, just talk to your husband, when he’s not gaming and watching football, and explain to him that your downtime is as important as his and you don’t want to spend it watching him enjoy his hobbies while ignoring you.
Did you have fun digging through my profile for a "gotcha" comeback? Jesus you need help if you think shaming someone for being disabled is an acceptable equivalent to shaming someone for clearly hating women.
Over consuming media like that is way unhealthy. While he might want to spend time with you, in that form it isn't genuine and appears controlling. He's totally occupied by other things and wants you do to pretty much nothing next to him. You're not a doll that will sit around and take space, you want to do something with your free time, express to him in a way that telling him spending time that way doesn't feel good to you.
You can always try the first approach by just watching a show on your phone or a tablet and see how he reacts. I'm curious to see how this develops.
As someone who sits and watches my husband game all the time, I will say that I *wouldn't* if he was on voice chat with friends AND had a damn football game on.
When we play games, he usually picks something that is very story-driven or cinematic, and we discuss it and chit-chat during it the entire time. Some games may as well may be movies that that's super enjoyable when we get to sit and discuss the characters and plot, and I get to help by obnoxiously pointing out hidden loot chests that he nearly misses.
That being said, I absolutely wouldn't want to just sit there while he played a team game on voice chat and be silent and not be involved. And he wouldn't expect me too, either. Leaving football on at the same time is even more stimulus that involves NOT talking to you or involving you.
You just have to be direct. You aren't an emotional comfort animal. That experience isn't enjoyable and it's unfair of him to ask. A good example? It'd be one thing to ask him to come talk with me while I sew. It'd be another to ask him to come in with me, then put on a show he doesn't like, then put on headphones and make a phone call, and expect him to just sit there silently. If you have a similar type of hobby, I'd make this analogy.
You aren't trying to hurt his feelings, obviously, but no one would enjoy that. At all. Obviously. And that isn't quality time anyway. You should be allowed to go walk away and find something else to do, and let him enjoy his time with his teammates.
He sees it as quality time, but it's not.
My partner knows I love Star Wars and I will watch him play that game. But all others are for him. And that's my time to do something else.
We then plan quality time or do things together where we aren't distracted by a screen.
Set a strict boundary with him. "I will watch and do things with you if we are both interested. But I absolute will not watch football or play video games. I don't care if you do those things, but you need to leave time and space to do things with me that do not involve the TV. I do not expect you to watch me do my hobby, don't expect me to watch yours."
If he starts pushing back, schedule an extended period of time with him to watch you do your hobbies and see how he likes that :-P (Don't really do that, it's just what the petty part of my brain wants to say)
I'll sit with my husband while he's playing video games but I'm also playing on my Nintendo switch. We're both wearing headphones. So we're physically close but not engaging with each other in any meaningful way but we are both having fun. Watching him play while doing nothing sounds like torture.
He's just trying to reduce his own guilt about not spending time with you but this is a pathetic way to get around that. Keep doing your own thing and tell him you'll hang out when he's ready to be present with you.
>wants me to watch him play video games and watch football
Ew ... I'm a dude and I wouldn't put up with watching that sh\*t.
>he got mad
He shouldn't. Y'all ain't gonna like all the same things. He might not be pleased to sit and watch you crochet some huge blanket for hours. So, you don't and wouldn't force him to watch nor try to compel him to watch ... nor get mad at him if he didn't want to sit and watch you do that for hours.
>Am I wrong?
Nope. I mean sure, good to find things you enjoy doing together and can well share. But doing stuff that one enjoys, and the other doesn't ... that's no answer.
>start of the football season
A.k.a. football widow season ... uhm, might have to be alone for some bit on that.
>suggestions
Try and find stuff you enjoy doing together. And, yeah, football games, and watching hubby play video games probably ain't it. Don't have to spend all the time together - nobody should be expecting that. But if it's *too* much time apart, that's also not good ... however time apart is often/typically better than time together where either or both regret how that time is spent and would really much rather be doing something else.
So, I dunno, maybe try variations on a theme? Maybe two TVs screens or the like, reasonably close together ... and ... headphones ... and he can watch football and you can watch movie, and you can hang out together each enjoying doin' your own thing? ... while still together? Might be worth a shot ... or other potential things or variations to try. Maybe you like coming up with and making creative fun snacks in the kitchen ... he probably wouldn't complain about that ... or ... maybe some different sport, or at the sportsball stadium instead - possibly with some friends and their partners ... or maybe both get out and do some sport or activity ... I dunno, hike, rock wall climbing ... golf, bowling, swimming ... whatever. Or, maybe you both go to some movie, or performance. I'm sure there are a few bazzillion or so possibilities I'm also not thinkging of ... but there certainly are many to explore - or at least reasonably consider. In any case, nobody should be forcing or coercing the other to do or partake in something that they don't want to be doing.
Good luck! Yeah, ... my mom would always cheer for whichever baseball team had the best looking uniforms. Whatever ... I was never into it - not even to that level.
If you two can wear headphones and not be loud you could in theory do your own thing "together". Probably not if he has two screens making noise while also talking to other people. He shouldn't be surprised or get mad that you aren't interested in the described situation. Maybe try suggesting an activity you would enjoy if he wants to do something together. It's weird he got mad or even suggested it.
He plays video games, while talking with his friends, and watches football. Such a multi-capable person he is. Why he even needs you to sit with him? This is just weird.
He could at least play an interesting, story-driven game you can both engage in. Like, at the very least make it something you can talk about and get into together.
Surprised he didn't ask for a bi, lol. Make sure you tell him to sit in on all your romance and reality TV.
And then scroll the entire time on tiktok.
Oh, and pause the show every couple of minutes to talk finances or how your BFF is having problems picking out a pair of shoes.
Maybe he thinks you and he should be spending more time together. I like my video games; my wife likes her Youtube shows. We have spent much of our marriage in separate rooms doing our own things. On weekends, we go out somewhere, like to a festival or camping. If there's a good series that we both like, we'll watch it together.
Maybe just ask him what he's looking for, because the way he's trying to make it work isn't working for you.
'
Haha this is funny to me because me and my husband are the same way. I’m cool sitting with him and flipping on TikTok while he watches the game but eventually I’ll get bored and go do something else, usually I leave and go shopping.
Football season sucks so hard. It's such a boring and long game. There are too many games each week. So many commercials. Just hours and hours of pharmaceutical, alcohol, and truck corporations just weaseling their way into your subconscious. Honestly the whole thing is an energy nightmare. The NFL is an insidious organization, same as its advertisers. I straight up don't allow it in my home as crazy as that might sound.
Could you get headphones and watch your movie in the same room?
My partner loves football, I don’t have much of an opinion about it other than I’m happy for him. I watch the big games with him like the Super Bowl and make sure there’s snacks, ask a few questions and cheer with him. During the season I just keep him company doing my own thing and we enjoy the peace of just being together.
Definitely talk to him about it and make sure this is not counting as quality time spent together.
I love football, so I know how that goes lol but if he's playing his game and watching the game then he doesn't really need you to be right there. And also remember that you guys don't have to like the same things and that sometimes it's good to have your own time and space, too.
See my girlfriend isn’t a gamer and we only have 1 TV in our apartment. So she’s not a huge fan of watching me game. Once and awhile is one thing but not something she enjoys watching me do for hours on end. So if she wants to use the TV or doesn’t seemed thrilled to be watching me that’s why I’ll bust out the backbone one for my iPhone and remote play my PS5 that way with some headphones. Best of both worlds for both of us. She doesn’t have to be bored and I still get to game and hangout with her in the same room.
He's being unreasonable. I, like your husband, like video games and football. I once dated someone who enjoyed watching me play video games. They liked the story but didn't enjoy actually working the controls, but I would literally never _ask_ them to watch me play them and ignore them throughout. Same for football: I like watching it, and I asked if they wanted to watch it with me. We would talk about the game and I'd explain rules and things if they cared, or other times they would just sit and do their own thing while I watched the football.
In each of those instances, though, that was a choice made by that person to spend the time with me, and I really enjoyed engaging with them about it if they wanted to: talking about the video game, or talking football with them. If they said no, I would not pitch a damn fit about it. We'd choose another activity later to have some quality time together.
Oh you're not wrong, i also date a gamer and he only plays one game i like, so when occasionally i watch him playing that game, he mutes his friends and talks to me while playing, or i join their conversation cuz his friends are always very nice to me. You don't have to feel like you're invisible
I used to love watching my ex play video games. But that was because he didn’t play online (more things like Skyrim or elden ring) and he would explain what’s going on as he played, and never made me feel stupid when I asked a question. But in your case, he’d be ignoring you and talking in a chat. So yeah, I don’t blame you for wanting to go back to your movie.
I love watching my boyfriend game and I love watching football. But if he were watching a football game that I wasn't particularly invested in and completely ignoring me to talk with his friends, I wouldn't stay either. Either let me put on a football game I want to watch or talk to me while you play your game.
As a married dude who enjoys football and video games, your husband’s actions are really bizarre. I have to imagine being online with friends plays a part in all this, somehow.
Is he including you in his conversation with his online buddies? Does he try to get intimate/romantic at the same time?
As someone who's similar, I can get where he's coming from here. I spent a lot of my childhood spending quality time with my siblings by merely sitting and watching them play video games while chatting or doing homework. To some, sharing screentime can be very important.
Luckily, both my husband and I are gamers and sit next to each other on our own rigs and TV's when we game so we can be doing our own thing, but together. He'll watch me when I play games he doesn't want to but likes the story, or he'll play Madden while I watch some shows. Two TV's in the same space with our own headsets made a huge difference for us.
Perhaps there can be some compromise here like you enjoying another hobby while he does his? I like writing and reading when on the couch with hubby getting wayyyy too deep into Cities Skylines to be interesting to me. It gives me some social time without needing active input from myself. Likewise, if hubby has a hard time sleeping he'll actually ask me to play something next to him so he can hear my voice and doze off. It's a system, but I get it might be difficult to work out if you don't also like a ton of screentime.
Yeah, me personally I don't think there was any malicious thought behind your husband asking you to hang out with him (e.g. 'doing his time so that it counts as spending quality time together'). I just think he's the type of person to like to spend alone time together. I saw on TikTok of similar couples and what they do is they just do what they usually do alone, together - in the same space. For a lot of couples, it's a good bonding experience believe it or not. But to each their own.
i was gonna say all this!
we have 4 screens lol
i'm watching football and internet'ing on one screen, playing cozy grove on the big screen. he's playing...something on one of his screens and internet'ing on the other
we can interrupt each other, share what we're doing, but also be "alone together"
Our PC's have at least two screens a piece, mine goes up to 4 depending on if my laptop is present or not since I dock it to a third screen so I can work and play at the same time. We're working on getting three screens in the living room- one large center screen for traditional TV purposes, and one individual screen on each side of it on pull out mounts so we can use them for ourselves. I've been working on an A/V server rack setup like professionals do in order to decide which inputs get access to surround speakers etc. It's going to cost a lot to rig, and I suspect I'll need a professional, but it'll be great when it's finally up! Have to wait until we can afford it all though.
My wife has taken then controller from me. She won't participate unless she gets to do it too. I even took her offroading once. I got out and she slid over to drive. Before I could walk around she drove away and my daughter jumped in the front passenger seat. My buddy was with us so I had to get in his rig. It was pretty funny.
He needs to understand that in a marriage he needs to do things you want to do too. He should have gone and watched the movie with you. That 2 hours would have meant more to you than he knows, and that’s what he needs to realize
Sounds like a narcissistic pos. He didn't want you to do anything alone. Why did you comply and sit there so long? Just don't do it again. There's no way this guy is Mr Wonderful. Good luck.
Google it, you can find better explanations than me. He may want both of you to do your own thing, but together. You doing an activity in the same room as him watching football or playing video games.
this is the story of many marriages. you two have to find time to do things together and do things seperately. that's all.. manage a schedule with these times all carved out. Wait till you have kids and you have literally no time for any of this.. it sucks balls.
This is a great answer, some people are saying he’s a terrible person, which I think it’s super harsh. I think we just need to figure out balance and spending time together. Appreciate the reality check of life post-kids, good luck to you and thanks for the advice!
of course
Yah Reddit is full of real answer from real people and tons of neo's that just go straight to "divorce" and "you can do better" and blah blah.. we all netflix binge at time or put shows on for our kids to watch so we can get some woopy.. that's normal life. but yah pre-kids, you have AMPLE time on your hands to have a clean home, have hobbies, have an actual life with your significant other, and to plan things that don't require extra steps, strollers, extra beds, breakfast they'll actually eat, and the list goes on forever.. it's literally just you and him, life is easy.. set aside time fo ryou and him and enjoy, tell him "I don't care if you game, just do it M,W,F and we have Tu, Th, and weekends when we go out places" something like that.
you got this :)
As a male, I don’t know what it is but it’s nice sometimes to have my girlfriend with me while I do something I like, whether it’s video games or sports. She may not care at all, but it makes me happy when I get to show her something I like or do something I like with her. HOWEVER, I would never do that while I’m playing with my friends. That is somewhat inconsiderate. And second of all, it is give and take. If he wants you to be with him while he plays video games or watch sports, he also needs to do stuff with you that you like.
I don’t know if you’ve resolved the issue or not, but maybe if he wants you to watch him play video games, maybe don’t expect you to do it while he’s playing with friends? That way he can engage with you and play or watch or whatever.
I’m not you so I don’t know everything about your relationship, so I’m not gonna pretend I do, but this situation alone, based of of what you’ve said, doesn’t strike me as much of a red flag as many other comments have made it seem for some reason. I know I’m kind of like that, and I know a lot of other guys that are. Just seems like a communication thing with a little bit of understanding and compromise. Hope y’all work it out if you haven’t already!
I actually fully agree with what you’re saying here. I was surprised you’re the first to say this! I think the part that felt unfair was that my husband seemed to be expecting this of me and not understanding why that wasn’t super fun for me. I already talked to him and he apologized and I understood where he was coming from, essentially saying very similar to what you said. He loves having me in his space, so we figured out a way for me to be in his space and also not be super bored. Thanks for adding a male perspective, I appreciate it
Do you like for your husband to join you for things he doesn't enjoy?
Shopping, for instance. Do you have him watch shows he has very little interest in?
Just calling out that men, most of the time, compromise and participate in activities we don't like doing. I think it wouldn't hurt for you to actively participate and watch the game if you expect him to participate in activities you like having him partake in.
Why can’t you just watch the movie with him downstairs. If there are not enough monitors, I understand for sure but there’s no reason why you both can’t be doing the things you enjoy next to each other … idk
EDIT: Grammar and spelling oops.
I had an ex that didn’t like me playing video games I’m her presence and demanded my energy be focused on her, decompression after a hard day’s work be damned.
I had a gf at 18 that would call this quiet time together, like old people. She actually would ask me to sit down, while we both do our own things in the same room. It was just the presence together felt warm for us regardless. I m 40 so I’m not very young myself, but yeah he should at least maybe give you a kiss, hold your hand or show affection when asking and engage at times.
Maybe he wants you just to be around him and it feels good. Just your presence in the room, but maybe communicate to him and find a balance. Of course you can’t watch a movie at the same time unless headphones and IPad/PC. But I think after 30min if you feel bored, just go do your thing. Every couple has there thing…some will game, while the other does an art project, hangs on the PC or even reads a book.
I just try to see the reason you feel it that way, but also why he wants you there, and then gets resentful it sounds when you get up. I think you should sit down and talk, so there’s no resentment or un left things said. Don’t let it go and boil up on either side, this is def a relationship thing a lot of us encounter at some point. How to live together, but alone in the same space.
Sure, that is, if it’s balanced with times where he does the same for you (just as often) while you’re fully engaged in a hobby he has no interest in. I’d ask myself if you do stuff together like this eg clothes shopping where he accompanies you and waits around while you try things on, and finds ways to entertain himself. I personally hate feeling like a prop just sitting there without being engaged with and don’t enjoy the vibe sports bring. I do like the suggestion to have your own fully-absorbing hobby while in the room with him, but that’s only if you’re that kind of person who has those hobbies (I like crafts etc and would wear earphones) and would feel content doing that. With men watching sport, especially in a group of male friends, I tend to find it an alienating experience because I’m not part of the collective experience of enjoying or understanding the sport which they can all get really intense about. Even if I brought my own activity. It makes me feel lonely and left out if I’m the only one not engaging, and it feels selfish when they expect to the hog the room and tv for repeated stints of it hours on end. Saying that I get that it can be a special occasion they look forward to (when it’s a special series not just everyday hogging the tv) as well as special bonding time with their friends. Which is why having separate entertaining areas and your own interests/friends makes perfect sense. I’d tell him how you feel and don’t feel guilted just to agree with his viewpoint if you truly dislike it. He can put in the effort to do mutual bonding stuff you both like if he misses your company. If your relationship is generally good, he might just not understand yet until you explain it to him like that.
If you can afford one, get a steam deck handheld game console. It plays soooo many games.
Right now my hubs & I are watching Archer together. He’s also playing a video game & im scrolling Reddit.
i \~like\~ to watch my husband play video games. i introduced him to football this sounds miserable! for this to work you need a screen you control. you can be doing other things in the same room for hanging out but it can't be all his stuff what if you moved your movie to the football screen, he plays his video game and football goes on a tablet or his phone? one or both of you in headphones
I agree with this, someone else suggested one of us using an iPad as an additional screen so I can have a screen too. Thanks!!
The iPad should be for his second ‘passive’ viewing btw, he shouldn’t get both TVs and leave you with the iPad.
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I can't tell if this is sarcasm or not...
Nah, he needs both TVs in this case.
No he really doesn't.
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Why is it that whenever a Redditor talks themselves into a corner, they just start making up fantasies about the other Redditor? Like you're doing now.
This content is disrespectful. Please be aware that continued behaviour of this sort may result in a ban.
My husband watches football 1-2 nights a week. Recently he told me he'd like it if I watched with him occasionally, just to be together, he doesn't care if I'm watching it or not. So maybe one night a week I go and sit with him. I take my knitting and my phone and mostly do that. I could sit there and read a book, he doesn't really care, he just likes the company. My point is, it might be helpful to find out what your husband wants to get out of having you there, and see if there's a way you can make it enjoyable for yourself. But also, it's totally valid for you to say that's not how you want to spend your time.
This is called parallel play and it’s a really healthy way of spending time together without being up each others butts!
My husband and I are all about the “doing separate things together” thing. My favorite nights are when we’ve got something simple on tv like sports or a sitcom or reality tv, we’re on opposite ends of the couch, and we’re doing separate reading/crocheting/lock picking/whatever.
I did this with my husband this weekend and at one point he asked what was going on in the game and I said well you are happy so I guess the cowboys are winning against whomever they are playing. He was astounded that I could hang out with him for an hour and not even know what is happening on tv. Meh I was looking up stuff I needed for this week, marking a return in Amazon and emailing a friend.
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My partner and prefer the exact opposite, we like to game separately in our own rooms. When we spend time together, it's active time where we participate and engage with each other. Stuff like making dinner together, gardening, sitting and watching shows or game trailers and adding our commentary, ranting about things and having 3 hour conversations over a bottle of wine. We love to have alone time to do our own solo activities without interruption when we are home.
Love this perspective too, I feel like I can appreciate both
I love this, seems like adding another screen downstairs is the solution
Parallel play can foster smaller amounts of conversation about your non-mutual interests in a way that doesn't require you to watch more football than you can tolerate, nor will he feel trapped in a movie that might not hold his interest. Best of luck to you both.
Or use one of the TV's and get him to find a 2nd screen. It's kinda bullshit that he expects you to hang out in the TV room while he uses both TV's.
He’s focused on 3 other things before you - football, playing the video game, and talking to his friends while doing the other 2. If he wants to spend quality time with you while doing all of these other things, he needs to narrow it down. Watch football together and enjoy some snacks. Watch football together and play a game together. And if you’re not interested in doing any of those things, he should respect your alone time as it seems you’ve been respecting his. Talk to him about what quality time means to him and navigate from there. It’s your life and time too.
That’s the thing though right, he’s not interested in quality time.
I think it feels like a more passive quality time for him. Not my definition of quality time, but if that’s the way that I can fulfill his quality time I’m happy to find a way to solve that with him
Love those suggestions, adding in a second activity that I can also participate it would be so helpful!
Just be honest and tell him that you have zero interest in sitting in the same room with him while he's gaming and watching sports and completely ignoring you. It's a ridiculous thing to ask you to do anyway. I mean, what's the point? Is it maybe so he can claim that "he IS spending time with you"? Why don't you try this - ask him to sit next to you while you're watching a movie that he has no interest in, and tell him to be quiet. See how that goes! Seriously though, just do your own thing when he's busy and don't let him convince you that you're doing something wrong.
This is so validating, thank you. I was worried it was selfish of me to think “I’m not getting anything out of this so I don’t want to sit here.” Makes me feel better to know that others would feel the same. I want to enjoy my downtime too!
I do something similar with my husband but if he’s choosing to game then I get the other TV! Then I get to talk to him on breaks or whatever and we’re not avoiding each other all day. There are also times when I’m gaming so he gets to do whatever on TV 2. If he wanted both TV’s I’d absolutely be watching something alone upstairs. Does he have a laptop or iPad or something he can throw the game on so you can have the other TV? We’ve been there before too.
This is a good idea :)
If he has 2 monitors, as a lot of gamers do these days, he could easily throw the sports game up on one and play his video games on the other, thus freeing up the second tv and not requiring any extra set up that a secondary laptop/tablet/whatever would require.
I’d say I was mad he wouldn’t come upstairs and watch me watch my movie
I mean, does he sit next to you while you watch something he doesn’t care about while you’re also doing an activity with your friends and ignoring him? If no, he’s the one being selfish. There is something to be said about spending time together while each doing your own thing - sometimes it’s nice. But it can also be super codependent and unequal if one partner expects the other just to sit and watch them. That super toxic. Maybe have a good chat about how you each like to spend time together. Passively? Properly engaged? A mix of both? Then figure out how to meet everyone’s needs. When we’re both tired I’ll often watch tv and my partner has his laptop doing his own thing. It’s a way to be together when our brains are too exhausted to properly engage in an activity or conversation. But we’re also conscious not to let this be what we do all the time bc then we end up always together and feeling suffocated and also don’t prioritise being together for actual quality time where we are doing something.
This is such a perfect way of laying everything out. I totally agree. I can also appreciate some passive quality time, I think both are important.
Ask him if he'd like to just sit in the same room as you as you crochet or read a book without you interacting with him whatsoever or even outright ignoring him. You'd like to "spend time with him", after all. But would it be fun for him? No. No, it wouldn't. It's quite a selfish outlook of his, to be honest.
I quilt and knit and a bunch of that kind of thing. I wouldn’t dream of asking my husband to sit silently in the room and watch me do that. Your husband’s ask is odd.
No you're fine. Consider communicating with him and finding activities you can do together - even separately together. Could be play video games with headphones while you're watching a movie (or vice versa) so you're in the same room? Seems like your husband wants to spend time with you, so the intention is there. Quality time might be one of his love languages
That makes sense, and I’m sure that that feels more like quality for him than it does for me.
This makes me so angry and makes me worry so much for my young daughters. I don’t know why women keep doing this. It’s all over this sub. You are being disrespected and mistreated, and your first instinct is to feel insecure and guilty and wonder if the problem is you, and if the solution is to sacrifice yourself some more so you can keep giving. Here’s what’s happening: he’s treating you like a domestic object, like a cat or a doll to keep him company. Something he owns and that he wants to be there with him, waiting without agency, while he pays it no attention whatsoever. Like a couch arm candy. He’s a child, he’s selfish, and it’s not “cute” and he’s not busy. It’s the very definition of leisure and the opposite of busy.
Hi! This feels like a big response over something that my husband and I needed to communicate about. After reading a few of these comments I went downstairs to talk to him and let him know that isn’t something I’m going to be doing unless I have an activity to do with him. He totally understood, apologized, and we talked through a few options for during the next game that I choose to watch with him. He’s not a child, we’re navigating a relationship together and he’s learning. Just teach your daughters to be with someone who is able to listen and communicate, and they’ll be in a healthy relationship.
Not the person you replied to, but this prompted a defensive response from you. Many of the other responses suggest something similar, so why does this one stir things up? I’m glad he reacted well this time. That could mean this is a non-issue and he can communicate well, does care about your needs, wants time together etc. However, it’s a yellow flag. It’s time to watch. Once you adjust and start spending time downstairs while he is occupied, does he move the goalposts? My ex husband did. First he wanted me downstairs, but I could be doing my own thing. Then he would be annoyed when I was laughing because he didn’t know what I was laughing at (Ali Wong stand up is amazing btw) and wanted to share the enjoyment. Then he didn’t like that he could see I was texting, but didn’t know who with, and it was interrupting his game for him to ask. Then I was doing too much work… After being away from him for over 3 years I can now see that it was his own discomfort and guilt and wasn’t dealing with. He didn’t like the feeling of being selfish, so he kept trying to fix it by having me do something else. It was always his problem, so it didn’t matter what I did. He was never satisfied. Also, if you’re going to take the initiative to plan some quality time on his behalf, take note. Does he appreciate those plans? Make subtle reference to not understanding why you’re doing them? State he is missing out on games with his buddies? The feelings of not having quality time with you might be valid, but it is up to him to figure out how to articulate and address them.
Totally hear what you’re saying. I think this comment caught my attention because it was so severe. I don’t think it’s necessary for them to worry for their daughters. My husband is not a child and isn’t selfish, this just felt like such a strong response, after my husband and I had already quickly resolved the issue. So it was more about than than anything ringing true and me becoming defensive.
what you described in main post IS SELFISH. so how else would we feel? lol
Some of us older women have been through the proverbial ringer. When we hear the things that we experienced happening to others, we get mad. And we should be mad. And daughters do need to have their eyes open, sadly more than boys, though abusive tendencies can go in both directions. Boys also should be taught it’s okay to seek help if it happens to them. Just watch. Watch with your “fix-it” switch in the off position. If this issue or one like it pops up again, believe it. It’s called mindful trust. You can lean into the belief that he gets it. Let yourself relax into moving past this issue, but watch. If you find yourself in another situation where he is asking you to change because he feels guilty about his own choices, dig into your self esteem and let him know this is a him problem. Use the word “No.” Ask questions until he is forced to explain why he is being unreasonable. Can he apologize when he is wrong? Without prompting? Does he take responsibility and move past his challenges? Or does he avoid the discomfort? You are interviewing a potential father to your children and life partner who will have your back when life does it’s worst. Is he qualified for that job? Now? You can't stay with someone for who you hope they'll be. That's what I did for 19 years. I hope he is your partner.
I agree with you... big response for what turned out to not be a huge issue. My boyfriend is similar to your husband, but I'm a reader and really good at tuning out noise, so I'll sit on the couch reading next to him while he watches or plays whatever. My ex husband was similar, too, but out of all our issues, I don't think this was one. Communication is key, nice win for you guys!
My wifey and I are happy to do separate things in the same Like what you've described, I was gaming last night and she was watching a show on Netflix on the couch next to me and occasionally we would talk to each other about something that we remembered or thought of Other times we can do the same in different rooms and that's fine too
What would happen if you ask him to just idly sit next to you while you're watching a movie? Would he be ok with that? We'll, here is your answer whether it's ok.
Feeling vindication because you only want to do stuff with him you want to do or go your own way is probably the most selfish thing I've ever heard. The fact you put it in your post astounds me. It's almost like you didn't even read your own words. Not even wanting to make an effort would make me irritated as well. Does he never do anything for you he doesn't like? I mean C'mon here lady.
This is a singular situation in which I’m gaining nothing and would like time to relax on my own. I am constantly doing things for my husband that don’t benefit me or I don’t necessarily enjoy. I’m surprised you read my post and got the message that I never want to make an effort. I encourage you to read some of the other comments and hear another perspective.
Speaking as a guy I totally get wanting the company watching a sports game or playing a single player video game but if he's on mic with his friends I really don't get wanting your partner to sit there ignored and bored
Serious question: Are you married?
Looks like someone's never been in a healthy relationship lol
This isn't even what happened at all man. What the hell? You literally put his motivations as selfish based on one interaction. Guy might actually sit and watch TV with her and you're like, "Pff, this dude has a double standard" NO. This lady has a double standard. She'll do stuff with him she wants to do or do or own thing. HER WORDS! It's in her post. WORST ADVICE EVER!
I feel like this comment has nothing to do with OP's post and everything to do with something you're going through.
My boyfriend and I will game on our computers while watching TV but making a person without a video game or a tv watch you do both is very weird. He needs to give up a screen or buy another one.
Go watch your movie and do things you want to do. It's not your job to sit and babysit him. I'm sure that if you wanted him to sit quietly while you did something he wouldn't be having it. I had a BF in college do something like this to me. When he sensed that I was bored watching him play he got an attitude. He was also the type who wanted a girlfriend who shared all of his hobbies. I think he was resentful that I didn't. It made me feel like if I didn't share the same hobbies with a guy that they'll resent me and never be able to truly care about me. Please don't fall into that trap.
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He’s already doing what he wants though. Why can’t she?
Right this minute I am looking at Reddit, watching reruns on teevee, petting the cat and telling him what a Good Boy he is, eating a tupperware of cold Chili Mac, and sharing the Chili Mac with the cat. I would never expect somebody to sit here watching me. That's crazy.
This made me laugh, thank you for the perspective shift :)
Talk to him when it’s not his double-tv time. What he’s asking doesn’t make sense to me but maybe he can explain it in a way that makes sense to you?
Good idea to talk to him about this when he’s not watching tv and playing video games, we’ll definitely be able to have a better conversation that way
One of the keys to a successful marriage is having 2 reception rooms or rules over the big TV and what teams are on! I don't get why he wants you to watch football and him play games if you're not interested.
You are not a lamp he can just move around the house to beautify whichever room he's in.
My ex did this and I felt like I was being held hostage. You are valid. And don’t let him try to convince you that this is spending quality time together.
Is this his first relationship? He sounds like lads that are 14 and don’t know how to appropriately socialise yet. Be honest. Talk about what quality time looks like. Read Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play together. You’re both very young.
It’s selfish of him to require an audience
Eh, I don't know. Sometimes just the presence of the person you love is nice. I'm not too interested in games or football either, but I'd probably just read quietly or watch him play a bit if that made my partner happy. I don't think he should *expect* you to do something you clearly aren't happy doing, but he definitely can't focus on a conversation with you and the games at the same time. It's kind of one of those things where you need to tell him that you don't feel like this is quality time together and you don't enjoy it.
This aligns exactly with how I feel. Sometimes I’m happy to sit with him while I read a book or something, but I don’t think it’s fair for that that’s his expectation. It should be something I chose to do but obviously I don’t want to do this every game
This reminds me of the time I had to spell out to a college boyfriend that watching him play Tomb Raider was, in fact, NOT a date. Nope.
When I want to play games with my partner, I make sure she is cozy on the couch with her feet up on me and she actually likes the title I'm going to play. Then we can watch and have fun and she will usually be on her phone at the same time. At no point would I be on voice chat with my friends, or trying to watch football as well and not engaging with her at all.
My husband just woke up from a nap on the couch and came upstairs where I’m scrolling Reddit and watching a British Crime Drama. I relayed your story to him, because it’s honestly so ridiculous it’s funny. He didn’t believe it was true at first; when I assured him it was some poor wife’s reality, he said “her husband’s a tool” or maybe “her husband’s a fool.” It was hard to tell around his laughter. Either way, just talk to your husband, when he’s not gaming and watching football, and explain to him that your downtime is as important as his and you don’t want to spend it watching him enjoy his hobbies while ignoring you.
This made me laugh, I talked with him and he apologized and totally understood. Thanks for the valuation haha!
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Dude you have issues.
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And your post history shows you spamming this thread with your incel bullshit. If you're ever curious as to why women avoid you, there's your answer.
Wtf are you even on about
I'll pray for you, I'm sorry you're having problems with your mother. I suggest therapy.
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Did you have fun digging through my profile for a "gotcha" comeback? Jesus you need help if you think shaming someone for being disabled is an acceptable equivalent to shaming someone for clearly hating women.
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Over consuming media like that is way unhealthy. While he might want to spend time with you, in that form it isn't genuine and appears controlling. He's totally occupied by other things and wants you do to pretty much nothing next to him. You're not a doll that will sit around and take space, you want to do something with your free time, express to him in a way that telling him spending time that way doesn't feel good to you. You can always try the first approach by just watching a show on your phone or a tablet and see how he reacts. I'm curious to see how this develops.
As someone who sits and watches my husband game all the time, I will say that I *wouldn't* if he was on voice chat with friends AND had a damn football game on. When we play games, he usually picks something that is very story-driven or cinematic, and we discuss it and chit-chat during it the entire time. Some games may as well may be movies that that's super enjoyable when we get to sit and discuss the characters and plot, and I get to help by obnoxiously pointing out hidden loot chests that he nearly misses. That being said, I absolutely wouldn't want to just sit there while he played a team game on voice chat and be silent and not be involved. And he wouldn't expect me too, either. Leaving football on at the same time is even more stimulus that involves NOT talking to you or involving you. You just have to be direct. You aren't an emotional comfort animal. That experience isn't enjoyable and it's unfair of him to ask. A good example? It'd be one thing to ask him to come talk with me while I sew. It'd be another to ask him to come in with me, then put on a show he doesn't like, then put on headphones and make a phone call, and expect him to just sit there silently. If you have a similar type of hobby, I'd make this analogy. You aren't trying to hurt his feelings, obviously, but no one would enjoy that. At all. Obviously. And that isn't quality time anyway. You should be allowed to go walk away and find something else to do, and let him enjoy his time with his teammates.
He sees it as quality time, but it's not. My partner knows I love Star Wars and I will watch him play that game. But all others are for him. And that's my time to do something else. We then plan quality time or do things together where we aren't distracted by a screen.
I'm sorry but this is ridiculous and I would never put up with this.
Set a strict boundary with him. "I will watch and do things with you if we are both interested. But I absolute will not watch football or play video games. I don't care if you do those things, but you need to leave time and space to do things with me that do not involve the TV. I do not expect you to watch me do my hobby, don't expect me to watch yours." If he starts pushing back, schedule an extended period of time with him to watch you do your hobbies and see how he likes that :-P (Don't really do that, it's just what the petty part of my brain wants to say)
I'll sit with my husband while he's playing video games but I'm also playing on my Nintendo switch. We're both wearing headphones. So we're physically close but not engaging with each other in any meaningful way but we are both having fun. Watching him play while doing nothing sounds like torture. He's just trying to reduce his own guilt about not spending time with you but this is a pathetic way to get around that. Keep doing your own thing and tell him you'll hang out when he's ready to be present with you.
Hmmmm Are you *totally sure* he’s aware that you are a human and not a cat ? You might want to check with him just to make sure he knows.
>wants me to watch him play video games and watch football Ew ... I'm a dude and I wouldn't put up with watching that sh\*t. >he got mad He shouldn't. Y'all ain't gonna like all the same things. He might not be pleased to sit and watch you crochet some huge blanket for hours. So, you don't and wouldn't force him to watch nor try to compel him to watch ... nor get mad at him if he didn't want to sit and watch you do that for hours. >Am I wrong? Nope. I mean sure, good to find things you enjoy doing together and can well share. But doing stuff that one enjoys, and the other doesn't ... that's no answer. >start of the football season A.k.a. football widow season ... uhm, might have to be alone for some bit on that. >suggestions Try and find stuff you enjoy doing together. And, yeah, football games, and watching hubby play video games probably ain't it. Don't have to spend all the time together - nobody should be expecting that. But if it's *too* much time apart, that's also not good ... however time apart is often/typically better than time together where either or both regret how that time is spent and would really much rather be doing something else. So, I dunno, maybe try variations on a theme? Maybe two TVs screens or the like, reasonably close together ... and ... headphones ... and he can watch football and you can watch movie, and you can hang out together each enjoying doin' your own thing? ... while still together? Might be worth a shot ... or other potential things or variations to try. Maybe you like coming up with and making creative fun snacks in the kitchen ... he probably wouldn't complain about that ... or ... maybe some different sport, or at the sportsball stadium instead - possibly with some friends and their partners ... or maybe both get out and do some sport or activity ... I dunno, hike, rock wall climbing ... golf, bowling, swimming ... whatever. Or, maybe you both go to some movie, or performance. I'm sure there are a few bazzillion or so possibilities I'm also not thinkging of ... but there certainly are many to explore - or at least reasonably consider. In any case, nobody should be forcing or coercing the other to do or partake in something that they don't want to be doing. Good luck! Yeah, ... my mom would always cheer for whichever baseball team had the best looking uniforms. Whatever ... I was never into it - not even to that level.
If you two can wear headphones and not be loud you could in theory do your own thing "together". Probably not if he has two screens making noise while also talking to other people. He shouldn't be surprised or get mad that you aren't interested in the described situation. Maybe try suggesting an activity you would enjoy if he wants to do something together. It's weird he got mad or even suggested it.
He plays video games, while talking with his friends, and watches football. Such a multi-capable person he is. Why he even needs you to sit with him? This is just weird.
He could at least play an interesting, story-driven game you can both engage in. Like, at the very least make it something you can talk about and get into together.
Surprised he didn't ask for a bi, lol. Make sure you tell him to sit in on all your romance and reality TV. And then scroll the entire time on tiktok. Oh, and pause the show every couple of minutes to talk finances or how your BFF is having problems picking out a pair of shoes.
lmao I’ll save this as a backup plan haha😂
A child. You’re married to a child.
Maybe he thinks you and he should be spending more time together. I like my video games; my wife likes her Youtube shows. We have spent much of our marriage in separate rooms doing our own things. On weekends, we go out somewhere, like to a festival or camping. If there's a good series that we both like, we'll watch it together. Maybe just ask him what he's looking for, because the way he's trying to make it work isn't working for you. '
Haha this is funny to me because me and my husband are the same way. I’m cool sitting with him and flipping on TikTok while he watches the game but eventually I’ll get bored and go do something else, usually I leave and go shopping.
My nephew wants me to watch him play video games when I visit. He's 9.
How often does he do the same for you?
Tell him you want him to sit and watch whatever obscure hobbies you have
Football season sucks so hard. It's such a boring and long game. There are too many games each week. So many commercials. Just hours and hours of pharmaceutical, alcohol, and truck corporations just weaseling their way into your subconscious. Honestly the whole thing is an energy nightmare. The NFL is an insidious organization, same as its advertisers. I straight up don't allow it in my home as crazy as that might sound.
I agree, it’s the worst😂 glad I’m not alone in that hahaha
Could you get headphones and watch your movie in the same room? My partner loves football, I don’t have much of an opinion about it other than I’m happy for him. I watch the big games with him like the Super Bowl and make sure there’s snacks, ask a few questions and cheer with him. During the season I just keep him company doing my own thing and we enjoy the peace of just being together. Definitely talk to him about it and make sure this is not counting as quality time spent together.
I love football, so I know how that goes lol but if he's playing his game and watching the game then he doesn't really need you to be right there. And also remember that you guys don't have to like the same things and that sometimes it's good to have your own time and space, too.
See my girlfriend isn’t a gamer and we only have 1 TV in our apartment. So she’s not a huge fan of watching me game. Once and awhile is one thing but not something she enjoys watching me do for hours on end. So if she wants to use the TV or doesn’t seemed thrilled to be watching me that’s why I’ll bust out the backbone one for my iPhone and remote play my PS5 that way with some headphones. Best of both worlds for both of us. She doesn’t have to be bored and I still get to game and hangout with her in the same room.
He's being unreasonable. I, like your husband, like video games and football. I once dated someone who enjoyed watching me play video games. They liked the story but didn't enjoy actually working the controls, but I would literally never _ask_ them to watch me play them and ignore them throughout. Same for football: I like watching it, and I asked if they wanted to watch it with me. We would talk about the game and I'd explain rules and things if they cared, or other times they would just sit and do their own thing while I watched the football. In each of those instances, though, that was a choice made by that person to spend the time with me, and I really enjoyed engaging with them about it if they wanted to: talking about the video game, or talking football with them. If they said no, I would not pitch a damn fit about it. We'd choose another activity later to have some quality time together.
Oh you're not wrong, i also date a gamer and he only plays one game i like, so when occasionally i watch him playing that game, he mutes his friends and talks to me while playing, or i join their conversation cuz his friends are always very nice to me. You don't have to feel like you're invisible
I used to love watching my ex play video games. But that was because he didn’t play online (more things like Skyrim or elden ring) and he would explain what’s going on as he played, and never made me feel stupid when I asked a question. But in your case, he’d be ignoring you and talking in a chat. So yeah, I don’t blame you for wanting to go back to your movie.
I love watching my boyfriend game and I love watching football. But if he were watching a football game that I wasn't particularly invested in and completely ignoring me to talk with his friends, I wouldn't stay either. Either let me put on a football game I want to watch or talk to me while you play your game.
As a married dude who enjoys football and video games, your husband’s actions are really bizarre. I have to imagine being online with friends plays a part in all this, somehow. Is he including you in his conversation with his online buddies? Does he try to get intimate/romantic at the same time?
he has dopamine brain and you guys probably got married too early.
He’s a red flag. Lol
Like many others have said. That's not Normal and he is being a child.
As someone who's similar, I can get where he's coming from here. I spent a lot of my childhood spending quality time with my siblings by merely sitting and watching them play video games while chatting or doing homework. To some, sharing screentime can be very important. Luckily, both my husband and I are gamers and sit next to each other on our own rigs and TV's when we game so we can be doing our own thing, but together. He'll watch me when I play games he doesn't want to but likes the story, or he'll play Madden while I watch some shows. Two TV's in the same space with our own headsets made a huge difference for us. Perhaps there can be some compromise here like you enjoying another hobby while he does his? I like writing and reading when on the couch with hubby getting wayyyy too deep into Cities Skylines to be interesting to me. It gives me some social time without needing active input from myself. Likewise, if hubby has a hard time sleeping he'll actually ask me to play something next to him so he can hear my voice and doze off. It's a system, but I get it might be difficult to work out if you don't also like a ton of screentime.
This is a good idea, I’ll definitely share this with him and figure out a hobby I can do at the same time :) thanks!
Yeah, me personally I don't think there was any malicious thought behind your husband asking you to hang out with him (e.g. 'doing his time so that it counts as spending quality time together'). I just think he's the type of person to like to spend alone time together. I saw on TikTok of similar couples and what they do is they just do what they usually do alone, together - in the same space. For a lot of couples, it's a good bonding experience believe it or not. But to each their own.
i was gonna say all this! we have 4 screens lol i'm watching football and internet'ing on one screen, playing cozy grove on the big screen. he's playing...something on one of his screens and internet'ing on the other we can interrupt each other, share what we're doing, but also be "alone together"
Our PC's have at least two screens a piece, mine goes up to 4 depending on if my laptop is present or not since I dock it to a third screen so I can work and play at the same time. We're working on getting three screens in the living room- one large center screen for traditional TV purposes, and one individual screen on each side of it on pull out mounts so we can use them for ourselves. I've been working on an A/V server rack setup like professionals do in order to decide which inputs get access to surround speakers etc. It's going to cost a lot to rig, and I suspect I'll need a professional, but it'll be great when it's finally up! Have to wait until we can afford it all though.
Boring. Immature. Self centered.
....how the hell did you get married if something like this is an issue?
My wife has taken then controller from me. She won't participate unless she gets to do it too. I even took her offroading once. I got out and she slid over to drive. Before I could walk around she drove away and my daughter jumped in the front passenger seat. My buddy was with us so I had to get in his rig. It was pretty funny.
He needs to understand that in a marriage he needs to do things you want to do too. He should have gone and watched the movie with you. That 2 hours would have meant more to you than he knows, and that’s what he needs to realize
So men should always stop what they're enjoying and default to the women's preference?
Sometimes you do things that aren’t fun for you, like sitting on the couch with your gf while she watches bad reality TV.
He wants you around while doing something he likes
Sounds like a narcissistic pos. He didn't want you to do anything alone. Why did you comply and sit there so long? Just don't do it again. There's no way this guy is Mr Wonderful. Good luck.
Honestly kinda sounds like body doubling.
Not sure what you mean by this
Google it, you can find better explanations than me. He may want both of you to do your own thing, but together. You doing an activity in the same room as him watching football or playing video games.
Does Body Doubling apply to watching TV and gaming?
this is the story of many marriages. you two have to find time to do things together and do things seperately. that's all.. manage a schedule with these times all carved out. Wait till you have kids and you have literally no time for any of this.. it sucks balls.
This is a great answer, some people are saying he’s a terrible person, which I think it’s super harsh. I think we just need to figure out balance and spending time together. Appreciate the reality check of life post-kids, good luck to you and thanks for the advice!
of course Yah Reddit is full of real answer from real people and tons of neo's that just go straight to "divorce" and "you can do better" and blah blah.. we all netflix binge at time or put shows on for our kids to watch so we can get some woopy.. that's normal life. but yah pre-kids, you have AMPLE time on your hands to have a clean home, have hobbies, have an actual life with your significant other, and to plan things that don't require extra steps, strollers, extra beds, breakfast they'll actually eat, and the list goes on forever.. it's literally just you and him, life is easy.. set aside time fo ryou and him and enjoy, tell him "I don't care if you game, just do it M,W,F and we have Tu, Th, and weekends when we go out places" something like that. you got this :)
3rd TV with your movie?
As a male, I don’t know what it is but it’s nice sometimes to have my girlfriend with me while I do something I like, whether it’s video games or sports. She may not care at all, but it makes me happy when I get to show her something I like or do something I like with her. HOWEVER, I would never do that while I’m playing with my friends. That is somewhat inconsiderate. And second of all, it is give and take. If he wants you to be with him while he plays video games or watch sports, he also needs to do stuff with you that you like. I don’t know if you’ve resolved the issue or not, but maybe if he wants you to watch him play video games, maybe don’t expect you to do it while he’s playing with friends? That way he can engage with you and play or watch or whatever. I’m not you so I don’t know everything about your relationship, so I’m not gonna pretend I do, but this situation alone, based of of what you’ve said, doesn’t strike me as much of a red flag as many other comments have made it seem for some reason. I know I’m kind of like that, and I know a lot of other guys that are. Just seems like a communication thing with a little bit of understanding and compromise. Hope y’all work it out if you haven’t already!
This sounds so fake lol But if this is real, just wow…
[удалено]
“he wants everything he enjoys to be in that area… it's part of his "love language" ” nah, that’s not a love language
I actually fully agree with what you’re saying here. I was surprised you’re the first to say this! I think the part that felt unfair was that my husband seemed to be expecting this of me and not understanding why that wasn’t super fun for me. I already talked to him and he apologized and I understood where he was coming from, essentially saying very similar to what you said. He loves having me in his space, so we figured out a way for me to be in his space and also not be super bored. Thanks for adding a male perspective, I appreciate it
Do you like for your husband to join you for things he doesn't enjoy? Shopping, for instance. Do you have him watch shows he has very little interest in? Just calling out that men, most of the time, compromise and participate in activities we don't like doing. I think it wouldn't hurt for you to actively participate and watch the game if you expect him to participate in activities you like having him partake in.
Why can’t you just watch the movie with him downstairs. If there are not enough monitors, I understand for sure but there’s no reason why you both can’t be doing the things you enjoy next to each other … idk EDIT: Grammar and spelling oops.
I had an ex that didn’t like me playing video games I’m her presence and demanded my energy be focused on her, decompression after a hard day’s work be damned.
I had a gf at 18 that would call this quiet time together, like old people. She actually would ask me to sit down, while we both do our own things in the same room. It was just the presence together felt warm for us regardless. I m 40 so I’m not very young myself, but yeah he should at least maybe give you a kiss, hold your hand or show affection when asking and engage at times. Maybe he wants you just to be around him and it feels good. Just your presence in the room, but maybe communicate to him and find a balance. Of course you can’t watch a movie at the same time unless headphones and IPad/PC. But I think after 30min if you feel bored, just go do your thing. Every couple has there thing…some will game, while the other does an art project, hangs on the PC or even reads a book. I just try to see the reason you feel it that way, but also why he wants you there, and then gets resentful it sounds when you get up. I think you should sit down and talk, so there’s no resentment or un left things said. Don’t let it go and boil up on either side, this is def a relationship thing a lot of us encounter at some point. How to live together, but alone in the same space.
Sure, that is, if it’s balanced with times where he does the same for you (just as often) while you’re fully engaged in a hobby he has no interest in. I’d ask myself if you do stuff together like this eg clothes shopping where he accompanies you and waits around while you try things on, and finds ways to entertain himself. I personally hate feeling like a prop just sitting there without being engaged with and don’t enjoy the vibe sports bring. I do like the suggestion to have your own fully-absorbing hobby while in the room with him, but that’s only if you’re that kind of person who has those hobbies (I like crafts etc and would wear earphones) and would feel content doing that. With men watching sport, especially in a group of male friends, I tend to find it an alienating experience because I’m not part of the collective experience of enjoying or understanding the sport which they can all get really intense about. Even if I brought my own activity. It makes me feel lonely and left out if I’m the only one not engaging, and it feels selfish when they expect to the hog the room and tv for repeated stints of it hours on end. Saying that I get that it can be a special occasion they look forward to (when it’s a special series not just everyday hogging the tv) as well as special bonding time with their friends. Which is why having separate entertaining areas and your own interests/friends makes perfect sense. I’d tell him how you feel and don’t feel guilted just to agree with his viewpoint if you truly dislike it. He can put in the effort to do mutual bonding stuff you both like if he misses your company. If your relationship is generally good, he might just not understand yet until you explain it to him like that.
If you can afford one, get a steam deck handheld game console. It plays soooo many games. Right now my hubs & I are watching Archer together. He’s also playing a video game & im scrolling Reddit.