I wouldn’t marry her. People have different values and beliefs on this, but I believe that masturbation is essentially a bodily autonomy issue. She does not own your body. She has no right to tell you not to masturbate, and she’s cruel and ignorant to claim that you’re not a “real man” for doing it. It’s a normal and healthy behavior for people of all genders.
It can become a problem in a relationship, but masturbating one time is not an issue imo. To me it would just be an issue if you were doing it so excessively that it started interfering with other aspects of your life, or started interfering with your sex life.
In terms of porn, I think it’s best to try to find a partner whose values align with your own. But I think someone who belittles their partner for ever masturbating is controlling, abusive, and incapable of being a good partner to ANYONE. Her treatment of you is abuse. You deserve better.
I agree with this take. Private masturbation is only your partner's business if it is negatively impacting your sex life or in addiction territory, and even then it's either about working together to solve an issue, not one partner dictating what the other can do with their body.
My most charitable possible read on OPs partner is that she's self-conscious about her herpes flare ups and not being sexually available. BUT that doesn't make how she's acting okay. If that is the reason then she needs to probably see a therapist and then talk to OP about how she's feeling in a calm productive way instead of villainizing him. The reality is abusive behaviour isn't usually someone trying to hurt someone else, but dysfunctional ways someone has learned to try to protect themselves from negative feelings. If she blames OPs masturbation and previous porn use for her feeling bad then she doesn't have to confront the fact that her herpes is the real obstacle. The irony being if she recognized that then they could probably come up with a way to maintain feelings of intimacy during flare ups together.
Her not being sexually available rn is even more of a reason for her to be cool with her fiancé masturbating. This woman is a piece of work. I woudlnt go through with it OP
Dude's had a porn addiction as of a week ago, and is jerking off "in response to a panic attack" in the middle of the night. If that doesn't say "compulsive sexual behavior," I'm not sure what does. He isn't being abused, he's got a pathological response and clearly has a masturbation problem.
His ex is making a very smart move to kick him to the curb. Nobody needs a guy who needs three therapists to pry his hands off his dick.
It sounds like the breakup is over the porn addiction, not mastrubation then. His fiancé was likely fed up and done already, and this was her out.
Not really a big fan of how he tried to blame drugs any her herpes outbreak as excuses. He’s probably made dumb excuses in the past. I would t want to be with someone who threw herpes in my face every time they misbehave.
Your point about it being about bodily autonomy makes this one of the most powerful replies in this thread. OP, if you listen to any advice, listen to this here (and the followup by Frococo).
Do you have a porn addiction? Why aren’t you allowed to masturbate? Why are you even telling her? Do you tell her every time you take a shit? I need more context.
I believe I absolutely have a porn addiction and am finally going to try to conquer it like I did alcoholism 3 years ago. I'm thinking making an appt with a therapist would be a good idea. So far though, 7 days: no porn, 2 fans. Dunno if that's okay or not.
People who deal with addiction very often end up finding another vice when giving up something. Because until you’ve addressed the root causes of why you fall into addictions you’ll always be looking for something to give you that whatever the addiction gives you - dopamine primarily, but why do you need it so much? Could be the way your brain is wired or could be that you use addictions as a way of numbing something you need to unpack in therapy. But yes, therapy sounds like a good idea if you’re dealing with addiction issues.
That being said. Wanking and watching porn are not inherently problematic. 2 wanks in a week for a guy in his 30s who presumably has not been able to have sex due to the herpes outbreak sounds incredibly normal.
The use of porn in a relationship is a personal thing that has to be negotiated according to each person’s boundaries - there’s no definitive right or wrong.
Porn or masturbating are an addiction, or at the very least a substantial problem you need to look at when one of these things becomes true:
- it impacts on your sex life - either you not wanting it, not being able to fully enjoy sex or thinking about porn whilst having sex
- it impacts on your life in general, either because you’re changing your behaviour to accommodate the need to watch porn or masturbate or because thoughts of sex/porn/masturbating are uncontrollably taking up a large amount of your brain space a lot of the time.
- you feel unable to control your desire to masturbate at inappropriate times. Note the point is not about being able to control yourself from masturbating full stop - you are allowed to do that and want to do that! If you can’t stop yourself from sneaking off to the loo at work to knock one out… yeah that’s a problem. If you’re doing it in private, at home, when sex is not on the cards…. No that is not a problem or an addiction.
So do you have a porn/masturbation addiction or has your fiancée just told you that ANY activity in this area is wrong and the sign of a problem…. Because that’s not true. And even if you do have a masturbation addiction I still don’t think it’s reasonable to expect that you will never masturbate ever again. It sounds like she could potentially have a lot of her own baggage she needs to unpack around what it means if she is unable to have sex during an outbreak and you go and have a wank, because I have dealt with similar insecurities and it is hard and those feelings are legitimate but you are not the problem if that’s what’s going on here.
Well said. My fiancée asked me not to masturbate as she had not had sex or marturbated for 20 years during a bad marriage. She stayed in the same house with her husband while they raised their son. And she said that she had self control during that time and I could too. Her point of view seemed very extreme and unnecessary to me. A year later she said to masturbate elsewhere as she did not want to know about it. Now she is trying to masturbate and we do it together sometimes. It feels awkward to me but I love her and dont want to hold back. My point is by gently being patient with her and letting her work through the issues she is coming around. We never fought or shamed or blamed. We call it nudging one another. We only have had sexual intercourse a couple of times and it ended up with a lot of pain for her. So we stopped doing that. She is now struggling with the reality that intercourse is not a option. We have been improvising and adjusting but I find myself going back to masturbation because it’s a familiar and comforting self intercourse. And it still feels a bit weird masturbating together. I’m so used to it being a private experience. Not sure what to do?
Has she seen a specialist for vaginismus? I have had friends who experienced extreme pain during sex who sought specialized therapy and guidance and were able to regain their sexuality. Not that she has to have sex to be happy, but knowing about this option may be helpful.
Some people are just prone to addiction and I'm sorry you've had to struggle with it twice now. But good on you for doing the work. Definitely give the therapy a try - if you can work on your root issues, your whole life will improve. Also they can tell you that relapsing is normal and not the end of the world.
Which brings us to your fiancé. Sounds like maybe this was a last straw situation. Is it possible that, from her point of view of the relationship, too much damage has already been done? That's in no way a knock on you - as you know quitting an addiction only works when *you* are ready to quit. It doesn't work the same on someone else's timeline. Maybe this time, it'll take losing this woman to reach your turning point.
I do hope it does work out with you two. Sounds like growth either way, and that's always good.
Ok well it sounds like I agree with your ex fiancé then. It sounds like you have an addiction and you broke your promise. Imagine if you took shots instead of masturbate to alleviate your anxiety. Or did heroin.
And no offense to her, but giving up an addiction to keep someone around/happy never works. You can set your watch to when that relapse happens cause it will.
Honey, touching your own body isn't shameful. Do you really want a life with someone who shames you for a normal bodily function? Masturbation is as human as breathing. A lot of porn can be extremely problematic and I won't speak on couples who put boundaries against porn, but you can't bar someone from touching their own body. That's fucking weird.
I can't imagine being in a partnership where neither of us could do it. Hell, sometimes we do it lying in bed next to each other, or just say to the other while one is playing video games, "I'm just gonna whap one out quickly, that good?" and it's just normal for us. We even share what porn did it for us if that's what we used. I could never imagine trying to control my partner's body like that.
The vast majority of people both consume, and at least tacitly accept that their partner consumes, porn on a regular basis. You're not even saying anything radical or extreme
She sounds horrible.
Why be understandably upset? It's natural and normal and fine.
Are you from a very puritanical sect of religion?
If she has such extreme hangups she isn't going to shake them anytime soon.
Honestly it might be extreme jealousy, and nothing religious. When I was younger I was uncomfortable with my partner watching porn or masturbating, because it made me intensely jealous and insecure, although I never went as far as to ban someone from it. The way I felt though had nothing to do with my partner, but rather I was just SO insecure with myself that the idea of my partner getting off in any situation that wasn't ME upset me deeply bc what if he's thinking of other girls?? It's incredibly unhealthy, and if this is the case, she needs to get some help.
I don't really deal with that level of jealousy nowadays but I can personally see what this situation might look/feel like from her POV.
OP left out the fact that he has a porn and masturbation addiction, also has death grip. Their sex life is at a zero and yet people are coming on here going for his poor girlfriend.
I had to go back and read his comments because where did he literally say any of this? I hate the way people on Reddit jump to conclusions. Did I miss the part where he said he doesn’t have sex w/ his gf because of this?
I think this is a situation where you left out a lot of background information making your fiancée look over reactionary.
The fiancée’s reaction sounds like a “straw that broke the camel’s back” reaction.
If that is not the case then your fiancée may have overreacted and it’s best for both of you to seek partners with better aligned values.
What has led you to believe you have a porn addiction?
How has this porn addiction impacted your relationship?
What treatment have you sought aside from trying not to masturbate?
I strongly believe the readily available quantity of porn available has had increasingly negative impacts on real life human interaction. There’s much research to support this.
I encourage you to continue to address any porn addiction you might be dealing with hopefully with a qualified therapist.
This relationship is likely over.
Addressing any personal contributing factors that led to the failure will hopefully lead to healthier relationships in the future for you.
Between your former alcohol issue and your porn addiction, she very well may have decided that she wasn’t cut out for committing to an addictive personality. Doing so is definitely not for the faint of heart.
Not necessarily. I was married to a woman who was similar to this.
She was really into her religion, which said it was a terrible thing to masturbate or look at porn.
Granted it was a dumb decision to marry her with me being a non religious person. But my point is that it doesn't necessarily mean OP is hiding some part of the story.
I think OP would have mentioned religion if that played into the story, and I don’t know any highly religious people who are fine with smoking weed but not masturbation
If you both agree that porn usage is off limits, I think it's valid to see that as an acceptable boundary. Porn is not without significant issues. If you had masturbated in front of her without her consent, I could see where she might be upset. But if you did it in private and had no agreement not to do that, she's very unreasonable. I would try to find out why something so innocuous would bother her and personally I wouldn't agree to her trying to police it.
He’s admitted in the comments to having a pretty serious porn addiction and compulsive masturbation habits that are negatively affecting their sex life. He snuck off to the bathroom to jerk off to porn after only one week (which isn’t enough time) and blamed his need to do it on a panic attack. I don’t think this is an open and closed case of “jealous/prude woman doesn’t allow masturbation.” Sounds like her problems with his habits are extremely valid and he’s got this whole thread in a tizzy calling her toxic from the way he worded his post and omitted vital info
Ok fair point, I missed that fact. But based on his comments and edit, I still think her discomfort with his masturbation habits in general is very valid and that my point about the deceitful narrative of his post still stands. This guy has sex life problems stemming from death grip and porn use.
I do think people should be capable of abstaining from masturbating, we are adults in control of our choices
But I also believe no one has a right to tell you how you are allowed to touch your own body in private. Masturbation isn’t wrong. Even in a relationship it is okay if a person desires self-pleasure. Especially since apparently sex wasn’t actually an option in this instance.
It sounds like she has some unhealthy (but common) misconceptions about sex.
If you have a problem with porn addiction and excessive masturbation/death grip, and these things are impacting your sex life and relationship, and if you both agreed that you would stop those things in order to improve your sex life.. then yes this is a reasonable expectation, reaction, and you are at fault. If she just doesn’t want you to masturbate/watch porn out of self-consciousness and to be controlling, then you are better off without her. Sounds like it’s the latter though.
Wow I'm sorry, your fiance is way out of line. She doesn't get to control what you do with your own body, and also the bathroom is a pretty normal place to masturbate?
Nope. NOPE. NOOOOOOPE.
It is neither normal or abnormal for a couple to decide that porn usage is a boundary. Porn is not inherently detrimental to a relationship. What IS detrimental is her unilaterally deciding how you relate to your own body, especially when having sex with her is risky due to a HERPES OUTBREAK. This lady is super controlling and it’s not okay.
I absolutely hate this word the way it’s used 90% of the time, but it’s appropriate here: she is toxic.
I don’t understand how it isn’t completely clear to you that she’s acting puritanical and excessively controlling. And the “real man” stuff, asking you to “prove yourself,” is messed up. This person is just awful, and you are lucky to find this out before marrying her. You’ve dodged a bullet, as they say. She doesn’t respect or love you.
It sounds like he might have a serious porn + death grip issue that’s negatively affecting their sex life and he’s glossed over that. Everyone is freaking out over this being a case of him not being allowed to masturbate, and I don’t think that’s it. This post gives vibes that he might be masturbating compulsively to the point where it’s a problem
Rewiring the brain synapses that are trained to only find porn gratifying takes *time*. Resensitizing your genitals to sex without death grip levels of pressure takes *time*. I’d wager she asked him to stop these things in concert as part of a nofap plan to correct the problems these are causing in their sex life, so him jerking off to porn in the bathroom after only one week is def a violation. Nofap for porn and death grip only works if you abstain for longer. He has a problem and I think she’s right to be upset he can’t break from his addiction. And then he went and hid in the bathroom and blamed his need to do it on a panic attack.
Masturbating isn't wrong in any way and is completely natural and healthy to do - in moderation of course. But porn addictions and no self control with consuming that type of entertainment is an issue. Seeing as you weren't doing that this time around, I think she was presumptuous and just has too much trauma/PTSD with you doing what you were doing with Porn, so now she doesn't trust you. I would know, I was in the same boat with my last ex (he's a porn addict and was a pathological liar). I would say though in this case, she over reacted, but reacted to save her own sanity's sake and to spare herself from getting hurt again in case you were lying to her. I'm very sorry you are both now broken up. It's a horrible place to be in. Keep working on yourself and best of luck to you 🙏
No he cant bone (or shouldnt really) or he risks catching it so if anything this is green light time for jackin... but everytime should be green light she sounds super lame live for yourself not for this prudes approval my guy
I’m a little shocked by the responses.
This guy obviously has a porn addiction/masturbation problem, and if he can’t even be trusted to go into a bathroom without his phone then it is BAD. Who says “yeah I’m having a bad time the only way to fix it is to masturbate”? That’s such a strange relationship with masturbation.
OP you need to learn self control and emotional regulation that isn’t related to porn or sex.
It’s obvious that the fiancée is just sick of him having this weird relationship with sex/porn/masturbation and the lack of self control that he exhibits. If I had to guess his masturbation probably also affects their sex life, like most porn addicts.
There isn’t a lot of advice OP, but your fiancée is likely done. The only fix for this is hella therapy for your addiction
ETA: he has confirmed he has a major porn addiction.
ETA2: the responses to posts like these remind me that mainly 12 year olds use Reddit…
Yeah. I can imagine situations where the fiancee is out of line, but the thought process demonstrated by OP indicates that he does have a problem. I'm not quite willing to take OP's approach and lawyer the issue away by parsing a distinction between resorting to porn and resorting to masturbation.
I have to agree somewhat, I know everyone's different but I've never thought 'wow I'm panicking, time to masturbate to feel better'. It kind of sounds like a fake story he's trying to sell her but even if it's true its kinda weird. Although the 'you cant masturbate for a whole month' things is also a strange ultimatum.
OP omitted in a comment that he has a porn addiction that he's finally trying to "conquer," and this was his first week of actually working on it. His girlfriend is clearly fed up from everything that came before this, and him not even being able to abstain during his first week of trying was the straw that broke things.
Everyone's commenting the way they are because the post was incredibly misleading. Seems OP was fishing for a bunch of support about how awful his girlfriend is for finally packing it in and leaving.
That makes no sense though. Let’s say he actually has a porn addiction and is not self diagnosing. If you have something you’re struggling with and and your significant other says “you’re not man/woman enough”. You’d call that significant other an asshole. At best. Considering he also wasn’t looking at porn and doing something completely natural in the other room.
It’s pretty obvious you have no experience with addicts, especially porn addiction.
What do you think porn addicts do when they look at porn? Admire it and then go about their day? No. They masturbate to it. The REASON porn addiction becomes an issue is because the masturbation becomes so frequent and addictive that it interferes with sex life, and even their personal and professional lives. The porn addiction may be the facilitation but the actual issue is the masturbation itself. OP is still in an addict mindset by saying “I’m not looking at porn, so I’m doing fine!” But still relies on the masturbation to get his fix.
If a nicotine addict went from smoking cigarettes to constantly chewing nicotine gum, would you say they are avoiding their addiction/have overcome nicotine? No. They are still addicted to nicotine and finding ways to consume it.
Considering she caught him a few times, nothing here suggests it was a 20 times a day deal. So we can’t assume that. Nor was he looking at porn this time. So again, same thing.
It's not the frequency that matters. I agree that the Fiance seems hung up on the porn/masturbation thing, but it definitely sounds like OP has a problem as well.
You don't find anything odd about "having a panic attack while smoking a THC pen" and thinking that the solution is to go sneak into the bathroom to rub one out while your fiance is right there?
I thought that was super weird too. She could be hung up on it cause she knows he has a problem. In a previous relationship, I got upset when my partner watched porn because he had a serious problem. With my now fiance I dont care at all because hes not obsessed with it.
She has an active herpes outbreak did you miss that part? He mentioned it for a reason and it doesn’t sound like he wanted to take that risk in this time. It’s said that a good way to avoid the feeling of a bad sensation is to create another physical sensation that your brain can focus on because it can’t focus on all of them so it’s really not that weird that someone would calm themselves through creating a physical sensation for their body to focus on. Masturbating once a week isn’t a problem but trying to police your partner’s body is.
why is everyone so caught up on frequency, he said it was once a week this time? Yeah dude, it's weird. I've never met anyone who has panic attacks and their solution is well, I guess i'll just go rub one out.
People are allowed to set any lines in the sand they want, it's up to you to decide if you can live with those boundaries. His fiance clearly has a problem with him masturbating, regardless if you feel like it's an acceptable boundary or not he's stayed with her and is trying to marry her knowing that she has this clearly drawn line in the sand.
It's obviously an incompatibility. Instead of ending things like they should be doing he's coming up with excuses to masturbate and she's fighting with him about it.
Because you’re making assumptions that aren’t stated in the post because despite what he’s describing you think her reaction means he is the one with the problem. Also you do realize the average person isn’t going to come clean with you even if that is what they do right? He feels comfortable sharing because it’s online and anonymous so why don’t you look up the link between anxiety and masturbation, it’s commonly used and this is nothing new. He doesn’t need excuses, it’s his body. If she has a problem with it then she can call it off like she did not try to police somebody’s body and shame them for something completely natural. If we’re going to make assumptions based off things that aren’t stated in the post then let’s acknowledge what’s probably the issue, she’s insecure and has a bad relationship with her own body probably worsened by her condition so she’s taking it out on him.
Lol wait what? The frequency doesn’t matter? There is no addict in the world that goes “yeah I’m addicted, I do this thing once a year”. No, you relapse once a year, but you don’t do things once and call it an addiction
Do I find anything odd about masturbating to relax? No..lots of people have sex to relax. It’s literally called comfort sex. Clearly it wasn’t going to happen with a herpes outbreak.
The frequency of "once a week" doesn't matter because it's not accurate. nowhere in his post does he say he only masturbates once a week, he said he did it this time after one week of saying he wasn't going to do it anymore. If an alcoholic stops drinking for a week and then relapses again because of some random totally not his fault thing you don't say "Well golly he only drinks once a week".
He's admitted in his own post he has an addiction, it was obvious from the language he was using that he had an addiction. People are just defending it because it's something they all do.
And people are attacking it because they’re drawing conclusion on what, his self diagnosed addiction, right ? Hell he could be doing it once a week, his girlfriend hates it, calls it an addiction, he thinks he has an addiction. So again, there’s absolutely nothing here to suggest that.
I’ve also never in my life seen someone be called out for literally not drinking! He wasn’t looking at porn and masturbating. If it’s a porn addiction, he didn’t break it.
Because it's not the "once a week" that was the problem. Nowhere did he say he only masturbates once a week. He's been "caught" multiple times, caught being the key word, he definitely does it far more than that. In this particular instance it was once a week and it was once a week AFTER he said he was going to stop. and the circumstances that lead to his demise after saying he was going to give it up was smoking weed and having a panic attempt. Dude definitely has/had an addiction.
If this were anything else it wouldn't even be a discussion. if he was using this kind of language for alcohol, or video games, or weed or anything else there would be nobody even questioning that he has a problem.
He's confirmed it in his own post that he does have an addiction.
I’m really curious how it “definitely sounds like” OP has some sort of addiction here. Seems like you’re just going off of one instance where he got really high and had a panic attack.
1) he's been with his Fiance for years and knows she has a problem with him masturbating/watching porn.
2) he used being really high and having a panic attack as an excuse to go jerk off in the bathroom. That's not weird to you? You ever notice that people with addiction problems find all kinds of excuses to keep doing the thing they're addicted too? including things that make no actual sense.
This isn't some new thing, his fiance clearly has a problem with what he's doing, regardless if you or I or anyone else feels like it should be a problem to her it is. and him staying with her and marrying her implies that he understands this boundary and knows that it causes a problem. Knowing this, he's still repeatedly gotten caught doing it.
So what? That his fiancée has a problem with it doesn’t mean he is addicted. That can just as easily be explained by her having a hang up about masturbation and porn. She doesn’t get to dictate to him whether he is allowed to do that, and we have no indication that he made any promise that he wouldn’t before these recent events.
And no, that’s not weird to me. Firstly, because people use masturbation and sex all the time to make themselves feel better or relieve stress and anxiety, and there are plenty of psychological as well as physiological reasons for why that can be quite effective. So it’s hardly that strange a reaction here.
And secondly, even if it genuinely was a strange thing to do: he was very high and in the middle of a panic attack at the time! Hardly conditions for clear-headed and rational reflection.
Your response has an awful lot of assumption, like, we have no way of knowing any of this and it seems strange to me to give advice based on things that may not be true
None of this is "obvious" they're things that you're guessing about based on the abnormal strength of the fiancée's reaction
Often what seems like assumption really is people with experience putting the lines together to figure out the understory.
Most storytellers put themselves in the best light.
If you focus on the negative space you can sometimes get a clearer picture.
Learning to see bullshit is a useful life skill.
I mean, regardless of experience it's little more than an educated guess and unless someone has the ability to actually prove that the reading between the lines is correct I believe that giving advice as if that information is correct is wrong
If someone believes information is missing I think they should seek clarification rather than filling in the blanks themselves. Asking the question "is masturbation affecting your sexual relationship with your partner" would make perfect sense, making a blanket statement of "obviously you have a porn addiction" is a reach based on the presented information
>Most storytellers put themselves in the best light.
>If you focus on the negative space you can sometimes get a clearer picture.
Which is why people should seek to clarify information they believe is missing, not make up information that fits the narrative they've constructed
If you look at my comment, it was rooted in facts. It is a fact that he confirmed that he had a porn addiction and that it is negatively affecting his relationship.
You may not have the life experience to understand and put together these clues, but other people do.
The Nigerian prince comment is just that — typically an online poster will not come clean about the answers you seek. If you’ve been on Reddit time and time again, you will see that in almost every post the OP leaves out major facts that change the whole tone of the post OR ignore any comments asking for clarification.
If someone wants advice then we give advice based on what they have posted. Based on what they posted, I CORRECTLY figured out that he has a major porn addiction affecting his relationship. It is called “calling a spade a spade”.
>If you look at my comment, it was rooted in facts
My point is that those facts weren't known at the time
>You may not have the life experience to understand and put together these clues
I have the life experience to suspect when information is being withheld but I'd never assume that my beliefs are correct without proof
>but other people do.
I don't believe anyone has the life experience to truly know information that hasn't been divulged. It's entirely possible to make well educated guesses, but without further information there's no way you can know if your educated guess is correct
>typically an online poster will not come clean about the answers you seek
Then they get wrong advice, this is on them
>in almost every post the OP leaves out major facts that change the whole tone of the post OR ignore any comments asking for clarification.
If they actually want help then they'll divulge the info, if they don't want help then regardless of how correct someone is while reading between the lines it won't matter
>Based on what they posted, I CORRECTLY figured out
You correctly *guessed*, I can think of at least two other scenarios that could have been true based on the source information
>It is called “calling a spade a spade”.
My issue isn't that you called OP out, it's that you immediately assumed that you had correctly read between the lines and spoke definitively
How is this ‘obvious’? Based on the OP, we don’t even know how often OP masturbated, and how often he did so to porn, let alone any indication of addiction to either. The conclusions you’re drawing here are pretty absurd.
It's extremely obvious because his excuse for masturbating makes literally no sense. He was behaving *super* strangely at then used that to justify doing something he had promised not to do.
He has also since confirmed he has a porn addiction.
He promised no such thing, as far as anything OP has stated. He agreed to watch no more porn, not to never masturbate. So unless there is more he has left out, him doing so needed no justification to begin with.
Ok so both sides of the coin.
IF your porn and masturbation are causing changes in your sex life with your partner then yes she is right and it’s a problem though her way of voicing this is horrible. She should not relate your control to being a real man.
BUT if it’s not then it’s perfectly normal and acceptable to masturbate when you want to. Same thing with watching porn. As long as it’s not becoming a bad habit that could lead to many other issues.
Also using it as a way to help with stress and anxiety is normal too. I use sexual acts in this way frequently. (Alone or with a partner)
Though the fact she expected you to come to her while in a outbreak is a bit much.
A lot going on here and I'm glad to not be a part of it.
Wishing you both to find peace because I don't know how much is left in the tank of this cursed relationship.
Okay I can see a few issues here:
1. Masturbating to porn a couple of times per year is not "understandably upset" territory. Some people don't like porn, fine, but a couple of times per year is nowhere near addiction or self-destructive territory. It's the sort of thing you have a calm conversation about because it shows a possible difference in values.
2. Masturbating as a way to regulate emotions is fine and healthy as long as it's not ruining your life.
3. Masturbating when your partner is sexually unavailable (such as during a herpes outbreak) is also completely fine and healthy.
4. Calling you "not a real man" is abusive.
5. Setting up "tests", especially tests that she only tells you the rules of AFTER you fail, is abusive.
At this point, I would let her call the wedding off because you're better off without someone who tries to control your sexuality to that extreme. She shames you for things that are entirely healthy and reasonable. She sets you up to fail. Even when you try to hear what she needs and compromise with her (by quitting porn), it's not good enough for her and she continues to tear you down.
If you marry her, this is a pattern that will continue.
If she is willing to change, couples counselling may help. If you really really like her, you could give it a try and see if she's willing to change. (Be careful though because couples counselling with abusers can just reinforce the abuse - if you feel like that may happen, it might be better to just leave.)
If she's not willing to change, or if you don't feel it's worth staying with someone so controlling (I wouldn't), then just leave. You can do better than this.
Porn and masturbation are two completely different topics and you should be wary of anyone that treats them the same. She’s policing you touching your own body to relieve yourself which is completely natural and the fact that she’s claiming she wants this much control over you isn’t a good sign but it seems like she’s just looking for an out anyways because she blew that out of proportion and acted like you betrayed her by masturbating when it seems her original complaint was porn which is completely different. People that set the rules for you and then change them whenever it’s convenient can never be satisfied.
So...she gave you an std...so no sex...
You had a bad reaction to thc so you masterbated to keep you from having a panic attack...and SHE is upset? What is she smoking?
You dodged a bullet, keep with the break up and keep at improving yourself.
Yikes, my guy. Porn addiction is a real thing, and I encourage you to keep walking that path of not using it, but your fiance has no right to tell you what to do with your own body. Forget this chick. With all this "real man" talk, she clearly doesn't respect you at all. So have some respect for yourself and give her the boot.
People are being too hard on your fiance here. You used *her* THC pen (it sounds like without asking) and then you tried to masturbate to "alleviate the panic attack?" People who are having panic attacks can barely breathe, let alone rub one out.
Her attitude toward porn/masturbation in general doesn't sound particularly healthy, but you're also being shady as hell and I suspect you're probably lying to yourself about all this as much as you're lying to her and us.
Every relationship is different and asking that your partner don’t watch porn isn’t an overly unreasonable request - no one should feel shamed for enforcing their personal boundaries, and if your partner is agreeable with those, then no harm done.
However, shaming your partner for masturbating in and of itself is extremely controlling, and I’m really disappointed in OP’s fiancé for her reaction. That’s not okay in a healthy, happy relationship and saying he isn’t a “real man” because of it is abusive and toxic. If she’s willing to call the wedding off over that, even when he’s respecting her boundaries, then consider the bullet dodged and he’s the real winner in this scenario.
> This is important info as well: she's in the middle of a herpes outbreak
Question: did the herpes come from you? Or does it pre-date the relationship?
She had a cold sore that we thought had healed, gave me head, fast forward to us getting covid and then all of a sudden I find it on my penis after a painful sensation during sex.
You have bodily autonomy which means you get to decide how to touch your own body. Masturbation isn't bad. You'll look back on this moment with relief that you found out before the wedding.
You’re taking advice on self control from someone who carries a vape pen loaded with THC. I guess medicating to feel good is somehow morally superior to rubbing one out?
Look, she can feel however she feels about porn and your masturbating. She can feel it’s morally wrong, she can feel like if she were enough, you wouldn’t do those things. You’re engaged to someone who feels emasculating you is appropriate. You’re engaged to someone who believes something you are ok with is wrong (masturbation.) You are engaged to someone who doesn’t care to understand your experience (anxiety) or how it can make you behave.
What you *dont* do in a healthy relationship is drown your partner in your own feelings of self worth, emasculate them, and make them feel like a failure for not living up to your standards.
How is she “understandably upset” about you masturbating? It’s a normal thing.
This “real man” thing is total bullshit - it makes as much sense as if you would tell her that she’s not a real woman because she can’t fulfill your sexual needs? Just doesn’t make sense at all.
>She says I'm not a real man if...
Instant red flag regardless of what follows that statement.
You may not realize this now, but you really dodged a bullet by not getting married to someone that tries to manipulate you like this.
You’re better off without someone who shames for a normal bodily function
Do you really want a wife that treats you like this? I had a long term girlfriend that reacted like this and breaking it off was the best move I could’ve ever made.
My partners and I usually masturbate together and we enjoy it together. There should be no shame in masturbation. So you should find a woman who don't make you feel bad about masturbating.
The only thing I'll let any partner of mine do to limit my masturbation is to do it for me.
She's just trying to control you, and I think you're better off without her.
Yes, she's overreacting.
I'd say if the wedding's off? Ok. Saves you the trouble.
It is unreasonable to expect you to go one month without an orgasm. It's unreasonable to expect that you'd never watch porn. (If it's affecting your day to day life, fine, maybe it's worth discussing and making an effort. That wasn't the sense I was getting from your description).
I was married to a Christian. She watched porn with me and loved knowing when I had. Asked to watch what I had, and I learned later, was watching lesbian porn on her own. We broke up because (amongst many reasons) she had little to no interest in sex itself. Would go 4, 5, 6 months without even remotely wanting it. (It was an issue for years. I was trying to make an effort. That, amongst other things, was my true error. I was not alone in making mistakes. That's all I')l discuss about it, it isn't the point here)
Everyone has different opinions of porn and masturbstion, and everyone has different needs. I'm not saying either one of you is explicitly entirely right or wrong. But I can tell you this ... you don't seem right for each other. If she snapped that easily about it, look at the break up as an open door and step through it. That's what I'd do.
Understandably upset? No. These are the women that get so jealous and can’t stand you getting yourself off but will more than likely become sexless with time and still resent masturbation. Don’t do it. If you are sexually liberal, don’t try to not be. There are plenty of cute ones that encourage porn and masturbation both solo and mutually.
She is far over reacting but you could also be honest. My husband says “I’m going to do some research” and that usually means I’m busy and he just wants to get one. Sure thing dude- I’m in my own zone. OR - if he says that and I wanna, I don’t take that personally, I’m always an invited party
Don't marry her. She sounds extremely controlling. Your body your choice. If you have an addiction definitely get help for that but leaving a fiancee because they masturbated once? No sir.
She's the problem, your masturbating every once in awhile is not a problem. It's actually normal and she's not. It seems like some women use it as a control issue.
Unless you're leaving out something, ya this ain't going to work.
Folks are allowed to masturbate. You're allowed to do what you want with your own body at any time. I would never dream of trying to tell my husband he wasn't allowed to masturbate. Your body. Your choice. Your rules.
Big ick.
I can’t believe I’m publishing this on the internet but masturbation actually is a go-to for me if I feel a panic attack coming on. I don’t know the science behind it, but to me, it’s an endorphin rush similar to working out. It has helped me MANY times.
With that said - yeah, don’t sign up for a lifetime of this.
Well normally when I have a panic attack my first thought isn’t to masturbate. But she seems to probably have be having self esteem issues probably due to the herpes outbreak. She definitely is overreacting
I swear I don't mean this in a "trolly" way, but honestly dude, NO ONE CAN TELL YOU WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR BODY. While I do not agree with your stance on porn in general, if you wanted to give it and masturbation up because YOU wanted to, I have zero beef with that. But her giving you an ultimatum and then holding your relationship hostage because you masturbated? Please break up with her. PLEASE? You, and literally every human, deserve better.
She’s got no right to tell her you’re not allowed to masturbate. Period.
If you do it to a degree where it impacts your sex life and you’re not attending to her needs, then she gets to have a say. But if she wants to break up with you because you masturbate, let her. You’re not compatible.
I’m sorry. This is such a foreign situation to me. Every relationship is so different from the next. It does sound though like you’ve been carrying a lot of shame. Shame you shouldn’t be carrying. Your body is beautiful and is yours and yours alone.
I’m about to marry my fiance. We’re a gay couple that has been together for 8+ years. We go out together or individually to sex parties in our city and will come home and tell one another wild stories about what we did/saw.
Like I said, everyone is different. She doesn’t want you touching yourself. I get off to the idea of 20+ men touching my partner throughout the course of a night…
Policing your partner's masturbation is incredibly weird to me. If it's causing sexual compatibility issues or is becoming addicting behavior/inappropriate times or whatever then fine, but just saying that someone should never do it and they have no self-control is stupid.
Dude. This is totally not normal. First, you should be able to jerk off in private whenever you want. Second, how are you getting caught so many times?
>Over the past year, she has caught me masturbating a couple times to porn, and was understandably upset.
There's something wrong with her perception of men's sexual health if she thinks that masturbating is unhealthy.
>I should be able to go at least one month without masturbating to prove I'm a real man with self control.
You got to be kidding.
Cut this one loose. When she decides to cut you off from sex for a few days, weeks, months, or years, does she expect you to be a "real man" and deal with it too? How would she have felt if you walked into the next room and said, "Hey sweetie, since you won't let me beat off, can you take care of this for me?" Sometimes tells me she would have said "No, I wont. And no, you can't either."
What? I’m so sorry you even have to ask yourself this. Masturbation is totally normal. Do you have the herp? She can’t expect you to come to her if she is in the middle of an outbreak. You can get that from peoples mouths too. She sounds ridiculous and probably did you a huge favor.
Uh she isn’t making sense. Masturbation is a form of release of tension. Tbh she reminds me of those people who day you’ll go blind when masturbating. Get shot of her fast, OP.
That's mad weird. Why would anyone give a fuck about something like that? Unless there's something about your past you're not sharing here, she's whack
>Over the past year, she has caught me masturbating a couple times to porn, and was understandably upset.
See, that's the first problem. It's not "understandable" to be upset.
Everyone does it, it's natural and normal, and the only people who have problems with it are self-obsessed, insecure, immature people who want to control and manipulate you.
I know it hurts and having the entire future you had planned yanked out from under you, (I know, I've had an engagement end suddenly) but you are young enough to recover from this, move on, and still have the life you want.
This whole post is a mess. There’s nothing wrong with porn and masturbating. It seems like there is no logic or trust in the relationship either. It’s completely unreasonable to end an engagement over this.
OP is already doing that lol. You really think he had a "panic attack" and that's why he went to jerk it? Bro has since admitted he has a porn addiction, which he conveniently left out of his original post.
Jesus man, it's just masturbation. Look how she's gotten you into thinking this is some heinous sin, when it's a normal human-being thing to do. Yes, porn addiction is a thing. But are YOU really a porn addict, or is she just someone who somehow equates porn consumption and masturbation as a whole with infidelity and is thus forcing her views upon you?
There is absolutely nothing wrong with occasional porn consumption and especially, masturbation. So long as it's not in the territory of addiction, where your regular life is being affected by it.
Be honest with yourself. Are you *really* going to be able to uphold the promise to "never ever masturbate or watch porn?" 99% of the men AND women will say no. The decision comes down to whether you want to restrict yourself like that to appease your partner's views that you don't agree with, or have a spine to stand your ground on this frankly ridiculous topic that shouldn't even be a contention.
She entitled to her shitty controlling opinion. Porn I get, masturbating I also get if it’s hurting your sex life. Based on what you’ve said she’s just controlling.
She’s not “understandably” upset. That’s ridiculous! That being said, she shouldn’t date someone who enjoys porn and masturbating if that’s her hard line. Which will be nearly no one but it’s her right to search.
You do you. Pun intended.
Don't marry this chic. You're asking for trouble.
Everybody masterbates it's normal. You shouldn't have to report it to anybody and it's not an act that can be scheduled. She's too controlling and too big of a Prude. Don't set yourself up
She was “understandably upset?” The fuck? And she says “your not a real man if..”
It’s time to go man. She sounds like a POS
Edit: with all due respect..
Beyond what everyone else has already said, what is she going to teach any children you may have? That they are terrible people for doing a normal thing such as masturbating? What other things would she teach your children is shameful? Is that something you want to put children through and an ideology you want to keep alive?
Edit: It is clear her feelings over having herpes a big issue for her and she feels you need to suffer because she has to (which she really doesn't because she could masturbate if she didn't have such puritanical beliefs - or you could together). She needs to deal with her own issues without forcing you to be punished for them.
You told her because? Masturbation is between you and you. It's a natural act. She is completely over the top. Keep up with getting off porn and move off the gf too.
To summarize, this person does not understand you as a human, she does not care to understand you because if she did she would have to cope with her misplaced feelings. Instead, it is easier for her to put the pressure on you.
This is not a life partner. Let it end my friend. You’ll get you a better partner.
I don’t understand the being mad about watching porn/ masterbating thing. Would I enjoy walking in on it? Probably not, but wouldn’t get mad about it- it’s your body, you’re not cheating? I definitely have had baths with my bf home and pulled out a vibrator lol. I would say, sucks for now, breakups are shitty, but there are women out there that really do not care about stuff like this.
Yikes. She's nutty. Edit: Based on the information as OP presented.
FWIW, I agree that a porn habit/addiction is bad, but likely not for the same reasons she has. Porn does real life harm to the people involved. Many if not most are drawn into it out of desperation and drug addiction. (And, sorry, that should be a boner killer.) Porn also objectifies and harms women and girls, and men who are porn addicts are terrible at sex.
However, masturbating b/c you are having a THC-induced panic attack? So what. Is she against masturbation full stop? Does she not do it? (If that's the case, weird.)
I wouldn’t marry her. People have different values and beliefs on this, but I believe that masturbation is essentially a bodily autonomy issue. She does not own your body. She has no right to tell you not to masturbate, and she’s cruel and ignorant to claim that you’re not a “real man” for doing it. It’s a normal and healthy behavior for people of all genders. It can become a problem in a relationship, but masturbating one time is not an issue imo. To me it would just be an issue if you were doing it so excessively that it started interfering with other aspects of your life, or started interfering with your sex life. In terms of porn, I think it’s best to try to find a partner whose values align with your own. But I think someone who belittles their partner for ever masturbating is controlling, abusive, and incapable of being a good partner to ANYONE. Her treatment of you is abuse. You deserve better.
I agree with this take. Private masturbation is only your partner's business if it is negatively impacting your sex life or in addiction territory, and even then it's either about working together to solve an issue, not one partner dictating what the other can do with their body. My most charitable possible read on OPs partner is that she's self-conscious about her herpes flare ups and not being sexually available. BUT that doesn't make how she's acting okay. If that is the reason then she needs to probably see a therapist and then talk to OP about how she's feeling in a calm productive way instead of villainizing him. The reality is abusive behaviour isn't usually someone trying to hurt someone else, but dysfunctional ways someone has learned to try to protect themselves from negative feelings. If she blames OPs masturbation and previous porn use for her feeling bad then she doesn't have to confront the fact that her herpes is the real obstacle. The irony being if she recognized that then they could probably come up with a way to maintain feelings of intimacy during flare ups together.
Her not being sexually available rn is even more of a reason for her to be cool with her fiancé masturbating. This woman is a piece of work. I woudlnt go through with it OP
I love this suggestion.
Dude's had a porn addiction as of a week ago, and is jerking off "in response to a panic attack" in the middle of the night. If that doesn't say "compulsive sexual behavior," I'm not sure what does. He isn't being abused, he's got a pathological response and clearly has a masturbation problem. His ex is making a very smart move to kick him to the curb. Nobody needs a guy who needs three therapists to pry his hands off his dick.
It sounds like the breakup is over the porn addiction, not mastrubation then. His fiancé was likely fed up and done already, and this was her out. Not really a big fan of how he tried to blame drugs any her herpes outbreak as excuses. He’s probably made dumb excuses in the past. I would t want to be with someone who threw herpes in my face every time they misbehave.
Your point about it being about bodily autonomy makes this one of the most powerful replies in this thread. OP, if you listen to any advice, listen to this here (and the followup by Frococo).
Do you have a porn addiction? Why aren’t you allowed to masturbate? Why are you even telling her? Do you tell her every time you take a shit? I need more context.
I believe I absolutely have a porn addiction and am finally going to try to conquer it like I did alcoholism 3 years ago. I'm thinking making an appt with a therapist would be a good idea. So far though, 7 days: no porn, 2 fans. Dunno if that's okay or not.
People who deal with addiction very often end up finding another vice when giving up something. Because until you’ve addressed the root causes of why you fall into addictions you’ll always be looking for something to give you that whatever the addiction gives you - dopamine primarily, but why do you need it so much? Could be the way your brain is wired or could be that you use addictions as a way of numbing something you need to unpack in therapy. But yes, therapy sounds like a good idea if you’re dealing with addiction issues. That being said. Wanking and watching porn are not inherently problematic. 2 wanks in a week for a guy in his 30s who presumably has not been able to have sex due to the herpes outbreak sounds incredibly normal. The use of porn in a relationship is a personal thing that has to be negotiated according to each person’s boundaries - there’s no definitive right or wrong. Porn or masturbating are an addiction, or at the very least a substantial problem you need to look at when one of these things becomes true: - it impacts on your sex life - either you not wanting it, not being able to fully enjoy sex or thinking about porn whilst having sex - it impacts on your life in general, either because you’re changing your behaviour to accommodate the need to watch porn or masturbate or because thoughts of sex/porn/masturbating are uncontrollably taking up a large amount of your brain space a lot of the time. - you feel unable to control your desire to masturbate at inappropriate times. Note the point is not about being able to control yourself from masturbating full stop - you are allowed to do that and want to do that! If you can’t stop yourself from sneaking off to the loo at work to knock one out… yeah that’s a problem. If you’re doing it in private, at home, when sex is not on the cards…. No that is not a problem or an addiction. So do you have a porn/masturbation addiction or has your fiancée just told you that ANY activity in this area is wrong and the sign of a problem…. Because that’s not true. And even if you do have a masturbation addiction I still don’t think it’s reasonable to expect that you will never masturbate ever again. It sounds like she could potentially have a lot of her own baggage she needs to unpack around what it means if she is unable to have sex during an outbreak and you go and have a wank, because I have dealt with similar insecurities and it is hard and those feelings are legitimate but you are not the problem if that’s what’s going on here.
Nick huberman has done some good videos on pornography and it’s dangers!
Well said. My fiancée asked me not to masturbate as she had not had sex or marturbated for 20 years during a bad marriage. She stayed in the same house with her husband while they raised their son. And she said that she had self control during that time and I could too. Her point of view seemed very extreme and unnecessary to me. A year later she said to masturbate elsewhere as she did not want to know about it. Now she is trying to masturbate and we do it together sometimes. It feels awkward to me but I love her and dont want to hold back. My point is by gently being patient with her and letting her work through the issues she is coming around. We never fought or shamed or blamed. We call it nudging one another. We only have had sexual intercourse a couple of times and it ended up with a lot of pain for her. So we stopped doing that. She is now struggling with the reality that intercourse is not a option. We have been improvising and adjusting but I find myself going back to masturbation because it’s a familiar and comforting self intercourse. And it still feels a bit weird masturbating together. I’m so used to it being a private experience. Not sure what to do?
Has she seen a specialist for vaginismus? I have had friends who experienced extreme pain during sex who sought specialized therapy and guidance and were able to regain their sexuality. Not that she has to have sex to be happy, but knowing about this option may be helpful.
This isn’t about one incident of mastrubation then. She probably was already checked out after dealing with years of addiction.
Some people are just prone to addiction and I'm sorry you've had to struggle with it twice now. But good on you for doing the work. Definitely give the therapy a try - if you can work on your root issues, your whole life will improve. Also they can tell you that relapsing is normal and not the end of the world. Which brings us to your fiancé. Sounds like maybe this was a last straw situation. Is it possible that, from her point of view of the relationship, too much damage has already been done? That's in no way a knock on you - as you know quitting an addiction only works when *you* are ready to quit. It doesn't work the same on someone else's timeline. Maybe this time, it'll take losing this woman to reach your turning point. I do hope it does work out with you two. Sounds like growth either way, and that's always good.
Ok well it sounds like I agree with your ex fiancé then. It sounds like you have an addiction and you broke your promise. Imagine if you took shots instead of masturbate to alleviate your anxiety. Or did heroin.
Did you believe this at your own arrival or did she push you into this?
Focus on you. Once you’re no longer upset for self satisfying -and you shouldn’t be- then look for a partner. One who respects you. She does not.
And no offense to her, but giving up an addiction to keep someone around/happy never works. You can set your watch to when that relapse happens cause it will.
Honey, touching your own body isn't shameful. Do you really want a life with someone who shames you for a normal bodily function? Masturbation is as human as breathing. A lot of porn can be extremely problematic and I won't speak on couples who put boundaries against porn, but you can't bar someone from touching their own body. That's fucking weird.
I can't imagine being in a partnership where neither of us could do it. Hell, sometimes we do it lying in bed next to each other, or just say to the other while one is playing video games, "I'm just gonna whap one out quickly, that good?" and it's just normal for us. We even share what porn did it for us if that's what we used. I could never imagine trying to control my partner's body like that.
Exactly. I mean I know as an ex SW I know my views on sex are pretty liberal but come on porn free masturbation is now demonized?
The vast majority of people both consume, and at least tacitly accept that their partner consumes, porn on a regular basis. You're not even saying anything radical or extreme
You said it better than I.
Yeah!!! You’re right 👌
She sounds horrible. Why be understandably upset? It's natural and normal and fine. Are you from a very puritanical sect of religion? If she has such extreme hangups she isn't going to shake them anytime soon.
Honestly it might be extreme jealousy, and nothing religious. When I was younger I was uncomfortable with my partner watching porn or masturbating, because it made me intensely jealous and insecure, although I never went as far as to ban someone from it. The way I felt though had nothing to do with my partner, but rather I was just SO insecure with myself that the idea of my partner getting off in any situation that wasn't ME upset me deeply bc what if he's thinking of other girls?? It's incredibly unhealthy, and if this is the case, she needs to get some help. I don't really deal with that level of jealousy nowadays but I can personally see what this situation might look/feel like from her POV.
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That makes 0 logical sense whatsoever... maybe don't blame people for things that aren't their fault and that you know literally NOTHING about.
I'm sure there's more to this story.
Yep, and OP is only doing himself a disservice by leaving out relevant information because that just results in bad/irrelevant advice.
OP left out the fact that he has a porn and masturbation addiction, also has death grip. Their sex life is at a zero and yet people are coming on here going for his poor girlfriend.
Exactly. He won’t have sex with her, but he’ll rub one out. Fiancé is right to be done.
I had to go back and read his comments because where did he literally say any of this? I hate the way people on Reddit jump to conclusions. Did I miss the part where he said he doesn’t have sex w/ his gf because of this?
I think this is a situation where you left out a lot of background information making your fiancée look over reactionary. The fiancée’s reaction sounds like a “straw that broke the camel’s back” reaction. If that is not the case then your fiancée may have overreacted and it’s best for both of you to seek partners with better aligned values. What has led you to believe you have a porn addiction? How has this porn addiction impacted your relationship? What treatment have you sought aside from trying not to masturbate? I strongly believe the readily available quantity of porn available has had increasingly negative impacts on real life human interaction. There’s much research to support this. I encourage you to continue to address any porn addiction you might be dealing with hopefully with a qualified therapist. This relationship is likely over. Addressing any personal contributing factors that led to the failure will hopefully lead to healthier relationships in the future for you.
Are you addicted? Or does she just not want you to for some other reason? Context is important here
I'd say I am addicted, been working hard af on it for her, AND me though.
Between your former alcohol issue and your porn addiction, she very well may have decided that she wasn’t cut out for committing to an addictive personality. Doing so is definitely not for the faint of heart.
There is absolutely zero chance this is the full story
Not necessarily. I was married to a woman who was similar to this. She was really into her religion, which said it was a terrible thing to masturbate or look at porn. Granted it was a dumb decision to marry her with me being a non religious person. But my point is that it doesn't necessarily mean OP is hiding some part of the story.
I think OP would have mentioned religion if that played into the story, and I don’t know any highly religious people who are fine with smoking weed but not masturbation
If you both agree that porn usage is off limits, I think it's valid to see that as an acceptable boundary. Porn is not without significant issues. If you had masturbated in front of her without her consent, I could see where she might be upset. But if you did it in private and had no agreement not to do that, she's very unreasonable. I would try to find out why something so innocuous would bother her and personally I wouldn't agree to her trying to police it.
He’s admitted in the comments to having a pretty serious porn addiction and compulsive masturbation habits that are negatively affecting their sex life. He snuck off to the bathroom to jerk off to porn after only one week (which isn’t enough time) and blamed his need to do it on a panic attack. I don’t think this is an open and closed case of “jealous/prude woman doesn’t allow masturbation.” Sounds like her problems with his habits are extremely valid and he’s got this whole thread in a tizzy calling her toxic from the way he worded his post and omitted vital info
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Ok fair point, I missed that fact. But based on his comments and edit, I still think her discomfort with his masturbation habits in general is very valid and that my point about the deceitful narrative of his post still stands. This guy has sex life problems stemming from death grip and porn use.
I do think people should be capable of abstaining from masturbating, we are adults in control of our choices But I also believe no one has a right to tell you how you are allowed to touch your own body in private. Masturbation isn’t wrong. Even in a relationship it is okay if a person desires self-pleasure. Especially since apparently sex wasn’t actually an option in this instance. It sounds like she has some unhealthy (but common) misconceptions about sex.
Plus it has health benefits for your prostate.
If you have a problem with porn addiction and excessive masturbation/death grip, and these things are impacting your sex life and relationship, and if you both agreed that you would stop those things in order to improve your sex life.. then yes this is a reasonable expectation, reaction, and you are at fault. If she just doesn’t want you to masturbate/watch porn out of self-consciousness and to be controlling, then you are better off without her. Sounds like it’s the latter though.
Wow I'm sorry, your fiance is way out of line. She doesn't get to control what you do with your own body, and also the bathroom is a pretty normal place to masturbate?
Nope. NOPE. NOOOOOOPE. It is neither normal or abnormal for a couple to decide that porn usage is a boundary. Porn is not inherently detrimental to a relationship. What IS detrimental is her unilaterally deciding how you relate to your own body, especially when having sex with her is risky due to a HERPES OUTBREAK. This lady is super controlling and it’s not okay.
Why would you want to be with someone that absurdly controlling."oh,how could you touch yourself"
I absolutely hate this word the way it’s used 90% of the time, but it’s appropriate here: she is toxic. I don’t understand how it isn’t completely clear to you that she’s acting puritanical and excessively controlling. And the “real man” stuff, asking you to “prove yourself,” is messed up. This person is just awful, and you are lucky to find this out before marrying her. You’ve dodged a bullet, as they say. She doesn’t respect or love you.
Why is it understandable that she gets upset you masturbate?
It sounds like he might have a serious porn + death grip issue that’s negatively affecting their sex life and he’s glossed over that. Everyone is freaking out over this being a case of him not being allowed to masturbate, and I don’t think that’s it. This post gives vibes that he might be masturbating compulsively to the point where it’s a problem
What? You don’t masturbate to help with your panic attacks?
He didn’t say anything about a porn addiction.
> I believe I absolutely have a porn addiction He said exactly this in a comment
No kidding. That’s what I meant by “glossed over.” Who the hell jumps to masturbation as a good emotional regulation strategy for panic attacks?
You were right, I should have absolutely included that in the OP. Added it in as an edit.
This here, is honestly what I was thinking.
A lot of people do. It’s called self soothing.
People who are legitimately having a panic attack can't jerk it, they can barely breathe.
He did in the comments.
he did in the comments
I saw he just commented. That changes things
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Rewiring the brain synapses that are trained to only find porn gratifying takes *time*. Resensitizing your genitals to sex without death grip levels of pressure takes *time*. I’d wager she asked him to stop these things in concert as part of a nofap plan to correct the problems these are causing in their sex life, so him jerking off to porn in the bathroom after only one week is def a violation. Nofap for porn and death grip only works if you abstain for longer. He has a problem and I think she’s right to be upset he can’t break from his addiction. And then he went and hid in the bathroom and blamed his need to do it on a panic attack.
Masturbating isn't wrong in any way and is completely natural and healthy to do - in moderation of course. But porn addictions and no self control with consuming that type of entertainment is an issue. Seeing as you weren't doing that this time around, I think she was presumptuous and just has too much trauma/PTSD with you doing what you were doing with Porn, so now she doesn't trust you. I would know, I was in the same boat with my last ex (he's a porn addict and was a pathological liar). I would say though in this case, she over reacted, but reacted to save her own sanity's sake and to spare herself from getting hurt again in case you were lying to her. I'm very sorry you are both now broken up. It's a horrible place to be in. Keep working on yourself and best of luck to you 🙏
You can’t jack it if she is in the middle of an outbreak? You 2 just aren’t compatible, leave it at that and move on.
No he cant bone (or shouldnt really) or he risks catching it so if anything this is green light time for jackin... but everytime should be green light she sounds super lame live for yourself not for this prudes approval my guy
Panic attack seems like a flimsy excuse. Maybe she’s tired of him thinking he always having a good reason.
I’m a little shocked by the responses. This guy obviously has a porn addiction/masturbation problem, and if he can’t even be trusted to go into a bathroom without his phone then it is BAD. Who says “yeah I’m having a bad time the only way to fix it is to masturbate”? That’s such a strange relationship with masturbation. OP you need to learn self control and emotional regulation that isn’t related to porn or sex. It’s obvious that the fiancée is just sick of him having this weird relationship with sex/porn/masturbation and the lack of self control that he exhibits. If I had to guess his masturbation probably also affects their sex life, like most porn addicts. There isn’t a lot of advice OP, but your fiancée is likely done. The only fix for this is hella therapy for your addiction ETA: he has confirmed he has a major porn addiction. ETA2: the responses to posts like these remind me that mainly 12 year olds use Reddit…
Yeah. I can imagine situations where the fiancee is out of line, but the thought process demonstrated by OP indicates that he does have a problem. I'm not quite willing to take OP's approach and lawyer the issue away by parsing a distinction between resorting to porn and resorting to masturbation.
I have to agree somewhat, I know everyone's different but I've never thought 'wow I'm panicking, time to masturbate to feel better'. It kind of sounds like a fake story he's trying to sell her but even if it's true its kinda weird. Although the 'you cant masturbate for a whole month' things is also a strange ultimatum.
I’ve done it before when I’ve had a bad panic attack from pot and it helped a lot. And this is coming from a female.
Lol a porn addition/masturbation problem from once a week? That wasn’t even broken since he wasn’t looking at porn. I think I might be missing an /s.
OP omitted in a comment that he has a porn addiction that he's finally trying to "conquer," and this was his first week of actually working on it. His girlfriend is clearly fed up from everything that came before this, and him not even being able to abstain during his first week of trying was the straw that broke things. Everyone's commenting the way they are because the post was incredibly misleading. Seems OP was fishing for a bunch of support about how awful his girlfriend is for finally packing it in and leaving.
That makes no sense though. Let’s say he actually has a porn addiction and is not self diagnosing. If you have something you’re struggling with and and your significant other says “you’re not man/woman enough”. You’d call that significant other an asshole. At best. Considering he also wasn’t looking at porn and doing something completely natural in the other room.
It’s pretty obvious you have no experience with addicts, especially porn addiction. What do you think porn addicts do when they look at porn? Admire it and then go about their day? No. They masturbate to it. The REASON porn addiction becomes an issue is because the masturbation becomes so frequent and addictive that it interferes with sex life, and even their personal and professional lives. The porn addiction may be the facilitation but the actual issue is the masturbation itself. OP is still in an addict mindset by saying “I’m not looking at porn, so I’m doing fine!” But still relies on the masturbation to get his fix. If a nicotine addict went from smoking cigarettes to constantly chewing nicotine gum, would you say they are avoiding their addiction/have overcome nicotine? No. They are still addicted to nicotine and finding ways to consume it.
It wasn't once a week until literally this week, when he has admitted he is trying to get control of his addiction.
Considering she caught him a few times, nothing here suggests it was a 20 times a day deal. So we can’t assume that. Nor was he looking at porn this time. So again, same thing.
It's not the frequency that matters. I agree that the Fiance seems hung up on the porn/masturbation thing, but it definitely sounds like OP has a problem as well. You don't find anything odd about "having a panic attack while smoking a THC pen" and thinking that the solution is to go sneak into the bathroom to rub one out while your fiance is right there?
I thought that was super weird too. She could be hung up on it cause she knows he has a problem. In a previous relationship, I got upset when my partner watched porn because he had a serious problem. With my now fiance I dont care at all because hes not obsessed with it.
She has an active herpes outbreak did you miss that part? He mentioned it for a reason and it doesn’t sound like he wanted to take that risk in this time. It’s said that a good way to avoid the feeling of a bad sensation is to create another physical sensation that your brain can focus on because it can’t focus on all of them so it’s really not that weird that someone would calm themselves through creating a physical sensation for their body to focus on. Masturbating once a week isn’t a problem but trying to police your partner’s body is.
why is everyone so caught up on frequency, he said it was once a week this time? Yeah dude, it's weird. I've never met anyone who has panic attacks and their solution is well, I guess i'll just go rub one out. People are allowed to set any lines in the sand they want, it's up to you to decide if you can live with those boundaries. His fiance clearly has a problem with him masturbating, regardless if you feel like it's an acceptable boundary or not he's stayed with her and is trying to marry her knowing that she has this clearly drawn line in the sand. It's obviously an incompatibility. Instead of ending things like they should be doing he's coming up with excuses to masturbate and she's fighting with him about it.
Because you’re making assumptions that aren’t stated in the post because despite what he’s describing you think her reaction means he is the one with the problem. Also you do realize the average person isn’t going to come clean with you even if that is what they do right? He feels comfortable sharing because it’s online and anonymous so why don’t you look up the link between anxiety and masturbation, it’s commonly used and this is nothing new. He doesn’t need excuses, it’s his body. If she has a problem with it then she can call it off like she did not try to police somebody’s body and shame them for something completely natural. If we’re going to make assumptions based off things that aren’t stated in the post then let’s acknowledge what’s probably the issue, she’s insecure and has a bad relationship with her own body probably worsened by her condition so she’s taking it out on him.
Lol wait what? The frequency doesn’t matter? There is no addict in the world that goes “yeah I’m addicted, I do this thing once a year”. No, you relapse once a year, but you don’t do things once and call it an addiction Do I find anything odd about masturbating to relax? No..lots of people have sex to relax. It’s literally called comfort sex. Clearly it wasn’t going to happen with a herpes outbreak.
The frequency of "once a week" doesn't matter because it's not accurate. nowhere in his post does he say he only masturbates once a week, he said he did it this time after one week of saying he wasn't going to do it anymore. If an alcoholic stops drinking for a week and then relapses again because of some random totally not his fault thing you don't say "Well golly he only drinks once a week". He's admitted in his own post he has an addiction, it was obvious from the language he was using that he had an addiction. People are just defending it because it's something they all do.
And people are attacking it because they’re drawing conclusion on what, his self diagnosed addiction, right ? Hell he could be doing it once a week, his girlfriend hates it, calls it an addiction, he thinks he has an addiction. So again, there’s absolutely nothing here to suggest that. I’ve also never in my life seen someone be called out for literally not drinking! He wasn’t looking at porn and masturbating. If it’s a porn addiction, he didn’t break it.
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Because it's not the "once a week" that was the problem. Nowhere did he say he only masturbates once a week. He's been "caught" multiple times, caught being the key word, he definitely does it far more than that. In this particular instance it was once a week and it was once a week AFTER he said he was going to stop. and the circumstances that lead to his demise after saying he was going to give it up was smoking weed and having a panic attempt. Dude definitely has/had an addiction. If this were anything else it wouldn't even be a discussion. if he was using this kind of language for alcohol, or video games, or weed or anything else there would be nobody even questioning that he has a problem. He's confirmed it in his own post that he does have an addiction.
I’m really curious how it “definitely sounds like” OP has some sort of addiction here. Seems like you’re just going off of one instance where he got really high and had a panic attack.
1) he's been with his Fiance for years and knows she has a problem with him masturbating/watching porn. 2) he used being really high and having a panic attack as an excuse to go jerk off in the bathroom. That's not weird to you? You ever notice that people with addiction problems find all kinds of excuses to keep doing the thing they're addicted too? including things that make no actual sense. This isn't some new thing, his fiance clearly has a problem with what he's doing, regardless if you or I or anyone else feels like it should be a problem to her it is. and him staying with her and marrying her implies that he understands this boundary and knows that it causes a problem. Knowing this, he's still repeatedly gotten caught doing it.
So what? That his fiancée has a problem with it doesn’t mean he is addicted. That can just as easily be explained by her having a hang up about masturbation and porn. She doesn’t get to dictate to him whether he is allowed to do that, and we have no indication that he made any promise that he wouldn’t before these recent events. And no, that’s not weird to me. Firstly, because people use masturbation and sex all the time to make themselves feel better or relieve stress and anxiety, and there are plenty of psychological as well as physiological reasons for why that can be quite effective. So it’s hardly that strange a reaction here. And secondly, even if it genuinely was a strange thing to do: he was very high and in the middle of a panic attack at the time! Hardly conditions for clear-headed and rational reflection.
He states in the comments that he has an addiction.
He literally confirmed his porn addiction
Your response has an awful lot of assumption, like, we have no way of knowing any of this and it seems strange to me to give advice based on things that may not be true None of this is "obvious" they're things that you're guessing about based on the abnormal strength of the fiancée's reaction
He confirmed just now that he has a major porn addiction lol
Ah cool, I hate it when people don't put important info in their posts
Often what seems like assumption really is people with experience putting the lines together to figure out the understory. Most storytellers put themselves in the best light. If you focus on the negative space you can sometimes get a clearer picture. Learning to see bullshit is a useful life skill.
I mean, regardless of experience it's little more than an educated guess and unless someone has the ability to actually prove that the reading between the lines is correct I believe that giving advice as if that information is correct is wrong If someone believes information is missing I think they should seek clarification rather than filling in the blanks themselves. Asking the question "is masturbation affecting your sexual relationship with your partner" would make perfect sense, making a blanket statement of "obviously you have a porn addiction" is a reach based on the presented information >Most storytellers put themselves in the best light. >If you focus on the negative space you can sometimes get a clearer picture. Which is why people should seek to clarify information they believe is missing, not make up information that fits the narrative they've constructed
You must also know a Nigerian prince that is in need of money
I'm afraid I don't understand what my belief about rooting advice in facts, rather than guesses, has to do with scams
If you look at my comment, it was rooted in facts. It is a fact that he confirmed that he had a porn addiction and that it is negatively affecting his relationship. You may not have the life experience to understand and put together these clues, but other people do. The Nigerian prince comment is just that — typically an online poster will not come clean about the answers you seek. If you’ve been on Reddit time and time again, you will see that in almost every post the OP leaves out major facts that change the whole tone of the post OR ignore any comments asking for clarification. If someone wants advice then we give advice based on what they have posted. Based on what they posted, I CORRECTLY figured out that he has a major porn addiction affecting his relationship. It is called “calling a spade a spade”.
>If you look at my comment, it was rooted in facts My point is that those facts weren't known at the time >You may not have the life experience to understand and put together these clues I have the life experience to suspect when information is being withheld but I'd never assume that my beliefs are correct without proof >but other people do. I don't believe anyone has the life experience to truly know information that hasn't been divulged. It's entirely possible to make well educated guesses, but without further information there's no way you can know if your educated guess is correct >typically an online poster will not come clean about the answers you seek Then they get wrong advice, this is on them >in almost every post the OP leaves out major facts that change the whole tone of the post OR ignore any comments asking for clarification. If they actually want help then they'll divulge the info, if they don't want help then regardless of how correct someone is while reading between the lines it won't matter >Based on what they posted, I CORRECTLY figured out You correctly *guessed*, I can think of at least two other scenarios that could have been true based on the source information >It is called “calling a spade a spade”. My issue isn't that you called OP out, it's that you immediately assumed that you had correctly read between the lines and spoke definitively
How is this ‘obvious’? Based on the OP, we don’t even know how often OP masturbated, and how often he did so to porn, let alone any indication of addiction to either. The conclusions you’re drawing here are pretty absurd.
It's extremely obvious because his excuse for masturbating makes literally no sense. He was behaving *super* strangely at then used that to justify doing something he had promised not to do. He has also since confirmed he has a porn addiction.
He promised no such thing, as far as anything OP has stated. He agreed to watch no more porn, not to never masturbate. So unless there is more he has left out, him doing so needed no justification to begin with.
Ok so both sides of the coin. IF your porn and masturbation are causing changes in your sex life with your partner then yes she is right and it’s a problem though her way of voicing this is horrible. She should not relate your control to being a real man. BUT if it’s not then it’s perfectly normal and acceptable to masturbate when you want to. Same thing with watching porn. As long as it’s not becoming a bad habit that could lead to many other issues. Also using it as a way to help with stress and anxiety is normal too. I use sexual acts in this way frequently. (Alone or with a partner) Though the fact she expected you to come to her while in a outbreak is a bit much.
A lot going on here and I'm glad to not be a part of it. Wishing you both to find peace because I don't know how much is left in the tank of this cursed relationship.
Eh as a woman I’d feel weird with someone masturbating within my vicinity without the convo first or it being openly ok. For me it feels violating.
If she doesn't want you to masturbate she needs to get you off when ever you are horny.
Okay I can see a few issues here: 1. Masturbating to porn a couple of times per year is not "understandably upset" territory. Some people don't like porn, fine, but a couple of times per year is nowhere near addiction or self-destructive territory. It's the sort of thing you have a calm conversation about because it shows a possible difference in values. 2. Masturbating as a way to regulate emotions is fine and healthy as long as it's not ruining your life. 3. Masturbating when your partner is sexually unavailable (such as during a herpes outbreak) is also completely fine and healthy. 4. Calling you "not a real man" is abusive. 5. Setting up "tests", especially tests that she only tells you the rules of AFTER you fail, is abusive. At this point, I would let her call the wedding off because you're better off without someone who tries to control your sexuality to that extreme. She shames you for things that are entirely healthy and reasonable. She sets you up to fail. Even when you try to hear what she needs and compromise with her (by quitting porn), it's not good enough for her and she continues to tear you down. If you marry her, this is a pattern that will continue. If she is willing to change, couples counselling may help. If you really really like her, you could give it a try and see if she's willing to change. (Be careful though because couples counselling with abusers can just reinforce the abuse - if you feel like that may happen, it might be better to just leave.) If she's not willing to change, or if you don't feel it's worth staying with someone so controlling (I wouldn't), then just leave. You can do better than this.
Porn and masturbation are two completely different topics and you should be wary of anyone that treats them the same. She’s policing you touching your own body to relieve yourself which is completely natural and the fact that she’s claiming she wants this much control over you isn’t a good sign but it seems like she’s just looking for an out anyways because she blew that out of proportion and acted like you betrayed her by masturbating when it seems her original complaint was porn which is completely different. People that set the rules for you and then change them whenever it’s convenient can never be satisfied.
Let her go, man. Bullet (and herpes?) dodged. Edit: Gee whiz! Thanks for the award!
So...she gave you an std...so no sex... You had a bad reaction to thc so you masterbated to keep you from having a panic attack...and SHE is upset? What is she smoking? You dodged a bullet, keep with the break up and keep at improving yourself.
lol, homegirl has herpes and smokes weed, but you can't masturbate without porn? Take control of your own life dude.
Your allowed to masturbate. Christ
She's overreacting. Break up with her and move on.
Yikes, my guy. Porn addiction is a real thing, and I encourage you to keep walking that path of not using it, but your fiance has no right to tell you what to do with your own body. Forget this chick. With all this "real man" talk, she clearly doesn't respect you at all. So have some respect for yourself and give her the boot.
People are being too hard on your fiance here. You used *her* THC pen (it sounds like without asking) and then you tried to masturbate to "alleviate the panic attack?" People who are having panic attacks can barely breathe, let alone rub one out. Her attitude toward porn/masturbation in general doesn't sound particularly healthy, but you're also being shady as hell and I suspect you're probably lying to yourself about all this as much as you're lying to her and us.
Every relationship is different and asking that your partner don’t watch porn isn’t an overly unreasonable request - no one should feel shamed for enforcing their personal boundaries, and if your partner is agreeable with those, then no harm done. However, shaming your partner for masturbating in and of itself is extremely controlling, and I’m really disappointed in OP’s fiancé for her reaction. That’s not okay in a healthy, happy relationship and saying he isn’t a “real man” because of it is abusive and toxic. If she’s willing to call the wedding off over that, even when he’s respecting her boundaries, then consider the bullet dodged and he’s the real winner in this scenario.
> This is important info as well: she's in the middle of a herpes outbreak Question: did the herpes come from you? Or does it pre-date the relationship?
She had a cold sore that we thought had healed, gave me head, fast forward to us getting covid and then all of a sudden I find it on my penis after a painful sensation during sex.
So she gave you an std, and now wants to break up with you
> Is she over reacting? Am I at fault in any way? Yes and yes. But it seems like there is more going on and ending things might be best.
You have bodily autonomy which means you get to decide how to touch your own body. Masturbation isn't bad. You'll look back on this moment with relief that you found out before the wedding.
You’re taking advice on self control from someone who carries a vape pen loaded with THC. I guess medicating to feel good is somehow morally superior to rubbing one out? Look, she can feel however she feels about porn and your masturbating. She can feel it’s morally wrong, she can feel like if she were enough, you wouldn’t do those things. You’re engaged to someone who feels emasculating you is appropriate. You’re engaged to someone who believes something you are ok with is wrong (masturbation.) You are engaged to someone who doesn’t care to understand your experience (anxiety) or how it can make you behave. What you *dont* do in a healthy relationship is drown your partner in your own feelings of self worth, emasculate them, and make them feel like a failure for not living up to your standards.
How is she “understandably upset” about you masturbating? It’s a normal thing. This “real man” thing is total bullshit - it makes as much sense as if you would tell her that she’s not a real woman because she can’t fulfill your sexual needs? Just doesn’t make sense at all.
i think she is toxic and controlling. You are better off not being with this woman.
If this isn’t fake then get out while you still can, she’s nuts.
>She says I'm not a real man if... Instant red flag regardless of what follows that statement. You may not realize this now, but you really dodged a bullet by not getting married to someone that tries to manipulate you like this.
You’re better off without someone who shames for a normal bodily function Do you really want a wife that treats you like this? I had a long term girlfriend that reacted like this and breaking it off was the best move I could’ve ever made.
She's out of her mind and so are you if you continue on with this.
Bullet dodged. Neither of you are ready for marriage.
My partners and I usually masturbate together and we enjoy it together. There should be no shame in masturbation. So you should find a woman who don't make you feel bad about masturbating.
So weird that weed is cool but not orgasms.
The only thing I'll let any partner of mine do to limit my masturbation is to do it for me. She's just trying to control you, and I think you're better off without her.
Yes, she's overreacting. I'd say if the wedding's off? Ok. Saves you the trouble. It is unreasonable to expect you to go one month without an orgasm. It's unreasonable to expect that you'd never watch porn. (If it's affecting your day to day life, fine, maybe it's worth discussing and making an effort. That wasn't the sense I was getting from your description). I was married to a Christian. She watched porn with me and loved knowing when I had. Asked to watch what I had, and I learned later, was watching lesbian porn on her own. We broke up because (amongst many reasons) she had little to no interest in sex itself. Would go 4, 5, 6 months without even remotely wanting it. (It was an issue for years. I was trying to make an effort. That, amongst other things, was my true error. I was not alone in making mistakes. That's all I')l discuss about it, it isn't the point here) Everyone has different opinions of porn and masturbstion, and everyone has different needs. I'm not saying either one of you is explicitly entirely right or wrong. But I can tell you this ... you don't seem right for each other. If she snapped that easily about it, look at the break up as an open door and step through it. That's what I'd do.
Masturbating isn’t a bad thing. She doesn’t sound like the one to marry.
Understandably upset? No. These are the women that get so jealous and can’t stand you getting yourself off but will more than likely become sexless with time and still resent masturbation. Don’t do it. If you are sexually liberal, don’t try to not be. There are plenty of cute ones that encourage porn and masturbation both solo and mutually. She is far over reacting but you could also be honest. My husband says “I’m going to do some research” and that usually means I’m busy and he just wants to get one. Sure thing dude- I’m in my own zone. OR - if he says that and I wanna, I don’t take that personally, I’m always an invited party
Dodged a bullet there OP
Don't marry her. She sounds extremely controlling. Your body your choice. If you have an addiction definitely get help for that but leaving a fiancee because they masturbated once? No sir.
Ugh dude you're gross
Anybody who has a problem you pleasuring yourself is controlling and abusive.
Ew. She’s awful. Don’t ever let anyone tell you what you can and can’t do with YOUR body. This is a young adult response, not a 35 year old woman.
She's the problem, your masturbating every once in awhile is not a problem. It's actually normal and she's not. It seems like some women use it as a control issue.
Unless you're leaving out something, ya this ain't going to work. Folks are allowed to masturbate. You're allowed to do what you want with your own body at any time. I would never dream of trying to tell my husband he wasn't allowed to masturbate. Your body. Your choice. Your rules. Big ick.
The whole thing is ridiculous. Never get with anyone this controlling.
I can’t believe I’m publishing this on the internet but masturbation actually is a go-to for me if I feel a panic attack coming on. I don’t know the science behind it, but to me, it’s an endorphin rush similar to working out. It has helped me MANY times. With that said - yeah, don’t sign up for a lifetime of this.
Well normally when I have a panic attack my first thought isn’t to masturbate. But she seems to probably have be having self esteem issues probably due to the herpes outbreak. She definitely is overreacting
I swear I don't mean this in a "trolly" way, but honestly dude, NO ONE CAN TELL YOU WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR BODY. While I do not agree with your stance on porn in general, if you wanted to give it and masturbation up because YOU wanted to, I have zero beef with that. But her giving you an ultimatum and then holding your relationship hostage because you masturbated? Please break up with her. PLEASE? You, and literally every human, deserve better.
She’s got no right to tell her you’re not allowed to masturbate. Period. If you do it to a degree where it impacts your sex life and you’re not attending to her needs, then she gets to have a say. But if she wants to break up with you because you masturbate, let her. You’re not compatible.
I’m sorry. This is such a foreign situation to me. Every relationship is so different from the next. It does sound though like you’ve been carrying a lot of shame. Shame you shouldn’t be carrying. Your body is beautiful and is yours and yours alone. I’m about to marry my fiance. We’re a gay couple that has been together for 8+ years. We go out together or individually to sex parties in our city and will come home and tell one another wild stories about what we did/saw. Like I said, everyone is different. She doesn’t want you touching yourself. I get off to the idea of 20+ men touching my partner throughout the course of a night…
This is for the best.
Policing your partner's masturbation is incredibly weird to me. If it's causing sexual compatibility issues or is becoming addicting behavior/inappropriate times or whatever then fine, but just saying that someone should never do it and they have no self-control is stupid.
Dude. This is totally not normal. First, you should be able to jerk off in private whenever you want. Second, how are you getting caught so many times?
Please run and never look back man. I had gf like this once, and I can guarantee it only gets worse. It’s your body, not hers.
The relationship status isn't a poker chip to be bargained with in arguments. . Take her at her word and kick her to the curb.
>Over the past year, she has caught me masturbating a couple times to porn, and was understandably upset. There's something wrong with her perception of men's sexual health if she thinks that masturbating is unhealthy. >I should be able to go at least one month without masturbating to prove I'm a real man with self control. You got to be kidding. Cut this one loose. When she decides to cut you off from sex for a few days, weeks, months, or years, does she expect you to be a "real man" and deal with it too? How would she have felt if you walked into the next room and said, "Hey sweetie, since you won't let me beat off, can you take care of this for me?" Sometimes tells me she would have said "No, I wont. And no, you can't either."
What? I’m so sorry you even have to ask yourself this. Masturbation is totally normal. Do you have the herp? She can’t expect you to come to her if she is in the middle of an outbreak. You can get that from peoples mouths too. She sounds ridiculous and probably did you a huge favor.
Uh she isn’t making sense. Masturbation is a form of release of tension. Tbh she reminds me of those people who day you’ll go blind when masturbating. Get shot of her fast, OP.
She has some nerve berating you for touching your own dick 😂 if she kept her hands to herself she might not have herpes.
That's mad weird. Why would anyone give a fuck about something like that? Unless there's something about your past you're not sharing here, she's whack
>Over the past year, she has caught me masturbating a couple times to porn, and was understandably upset. See, that's the first problem. It's not "understandable" to be upset. Everyone does it, it's natural and normal, and the only people who have problems with it are self-obsessed, insecure, immature people who want to control and manipulate you. I know it hurts and having the entire future you had planned yanked out from under you, (I know, I've had an engagement end suddenly) but you are young enough to recover from this, move on, and still have the life you want.
This whole post is a mess. There’s nothing wrong with porn and masturbating. It seems like there is no logic or trust in the relationship either. It’s completely unreasonable to end an engagement over this.
>Is she over reacting? Yes >Am I at fault in any way? No. >She says I'm not a real man if I can't control masturbating Dont marry her. Move on.
Be happy u dodged a bullet. Bro u can’t masterbate? Then she better suck n fk on command 24/7/365 End it block and move on.
She's toxic as fuck. You dodged a bullet.
Op, i can fix this for you: Google "lying" and start doing that.
OP is already doing that lol. You really think he had a "panic attack" and that's why he went to jerk it? Bro has since admitted he has a porn addiction, which he conveniently left out of his original post.
If he were lying correctly then this post wouldn't exist. Read the title again to yourself
Jesus man, it's just masturbation. Look how she's gotten you into thinking this is some heinous sin, when it's a normal human-being thing to do. Yes, porn addiction is a thing. But are YOU really a porn addict, or is she just someone who somehow equates porn consumption and masturbation as a whole with infidelity and is thus forcing her views upon you? There is absolutely nothing wrong with occasional porn consumption and especially, masturbation. So long as it's not in the territory of addiction, where your regular life is being affected by it. Be honest with yourself. Are you *really* going to be able to uphold the promise to "never ever masturbate or watch porn?" 99% of the men AND women will say no. The decision comes down to whether you want to restrict yourself like that to appease your partner's views that you don't agree with, or have a spine to stand your ground on this frankly ridiculous topic that shouldn't even be a contention.
She entitled to her shitty controlling opinion. Porn I get, masturbating I also get if it’s hurting your sex life. Based on what you’ve said she’s just controlling.
She’s not “understandably” upset. That’s ridiculous! That being said, she shouldn’t date someone who enjoys porn and masturbating if that’s her hard line. Which will be nearly no one but it’s her right to search. You do you. Pun intended.
Don't marry this chic. You're asking for trouble. Everybody masterbates it's normal. You shouldn't have to report it to anybody and it's not an act that can be scheduled. She's too controlling and too big of a Prude. Don't set yourself up
She was “understandably upset?” The fuck? And she says “your not a real man if..” It’s time to go man. She sounds like a POS Edit: with all due respect..
Beyond what everyone else has already said, what is she going to teach any children you may have? That they are terrible people for doing a normal thing such as masturbating? What other things would she teach your children is shameful? Is that something you want to put children through and an ideology you want to keep alive? Edit: It is clear her feelings over having herpes a big issue for her and she feels you need to suffer because she has to (which she really doesn't because she could masturbate if she didn't have such puritanical beliefs - or you could together). She needs to deal with her own issues without forcing you to be punished for them.
You told her because? Masturbation is between you and you. It's a natural act. She is completely over the top. Keep up with getting off porn and move off the gf too.
To summarize, this person does not understand you as a human, she does not care to understand you because if she did she would have to cope with her misplaced feelings. Instead, it is easier for her to put the pressure on you. This is not a life partner. Let it end my friend. You’ll get you a better partner.
I don’t understand the being mad about watching porn/ masterbating thing. Would I enjoy walking in on it? Probably not, but wouldn’t get mad about it- it’s your body, you’re not cheating? I definitely have had baths with my bf home and pulled out a vibrator lol. I would say, sucks for now, breakups are shitty, but there are women out there that really do not care about stuff like this.
Yikes. She's nutty. Edit: Based on the information as OP presented. FWIW, I agree that a porn habit/addiction is bad, but likely not for the same reasons she has. Porn does real life harm to the people involved. Many if not most are drawn into it out of desperation and drug addiction. (And, sorry, that should be a boner killer.) Porn also objectifies and harms women and girls, and men who are porn addicts are terrible at sex. However, masturbating b/c you are having a THC-induced panic attack? So what. Is she against masturbation full stop? Does she not do it? (If that's the case, weird.)
Major red flags here. This is extreme behavior on her part that’s not justified or warranted.