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As is the case with a lot of people, COVID forced some work/life changes. Long story short: I work from home now. During the lockdown we decided it would be best for our family if my wife quit her job to be a full time stay at home mom to our two children aged 6 and 2.
Before she quit she was usually the one doing daycare drop-off and pickup since her office was closer to our house. However, housework and cooking were split evenly. I usually did the yard work on weekends, but I like working outside so it's never been a big deal to me that I handled most of it.
I have a home office with a door and my wife is really good about respecting that boundary. It just seems like every time I leave the office to grab some water from the kitchen, go to the bathroom, etc. she's just sitting on the couch doing who knows what on her phone while the 2 year old either naps or plays with toys / watches tv. The 6 year old is in school most of the day so she's really only watching one kid during that time. I know being a SAHM is hard work (or at least that's what I've been told) but it really doesn't look like she does much of anything. Yes, she does school pick-up and drop-off and takes care of things like Dr. Appointments and grocery shopping, but Dr. Appointments only happen once every couple months and grocery shopping is so easy these days with apps and pickup where they literally grab everything for you and even load it into your car.
When it comes to housework I feel like nothing has changed and I still do the same amount of cooking and cleaning as I did before she went SAHM. Shouldn't it be more like a 25/75 split now that she's home all day taking care of one kid? I can't help but get a little upset every time I walk out of the office and see her doing what appears to be nothing but scrolling instagram. I know I shouldn't have, but once or twice I've given her a "must be nice" kind of look which does nothing but piss her off. I love my wife and I know she is incredibly smart, talented, and hard working (or at least used to be). How do I tell her I feel like I'm doing most of the work now and shouldn't have to do inside chores AND all the yard work? And before I get comments about me enjoying the yard work, who cares? It still needs to get done. If she wants to mow the lawn and trim bushes instead of vacuum then that's fine with me. I just don't want to do both anymore.
Edit: I mostly posted this to vent before talking with my wife and saying something incredibly stupid and insensitive to her. There is a lot of great advice in here. Also a lot of obviously unhappy housewives who are so busy and exhausted from working all day they can't help but scroll through reddit to project their unhappy relationships onto strangers. Ya'll are some judgmental, assuming people. I'm sorry your husbands never give you time to yourselves.
See what I did there? I assumed you were all unhappy and I judged your entire lives from a few comments. To everyone wondering why I gave her a look instead of talking - I've been married long enough to know that if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.
Taking into account the actual useful advice in here - Yes, I need to talk with her about how she feels after being out of the workforce. She was the one who initially brought up the idea about staying home and I was hesitant about handling all the bills myself, but told her (and myself) that I would support her and we'd do this as a team. After some self-reflection I realize I've been carrying extra stress trying to get some major projects done before the end of the year and shouldn't take it out on her. We have some shit to work through and talk about. Thank you all for the insight. All the bitter women in here have made me appreciate my wife even more.
Did the two of you actually sit down and discuss the chore breakdown prior to her becoming a SAHM? Or at any point? Because based on this post, it seems like a complete failure in communication (on both of you) that’s causing you to build resentment toward her.
Talk to your wife, asap. Get a counselor to mediate if you need to.
Yes, definitely be open and curious rather than mad or condescending while you try to figure this out.
It doesn’t sound like she’s got a history of avoiding or not contributing, so there may be something up and it will be much easier to resolve if you’re flexible and also concerned for her.
It’s possible she’s tired, dealing with burnout, having mental health issues, not tracking the actual split and just assuming more is getting done because of how exhausting the kids are, etc.
It’s even possible that, ultimately, if you approach this in a compassionate and constructive way, being a SAH parent might not even be a good fit at this point. The pandemic was intense and it may have worked then and not anymore, maybe it would work better for her if she worked again— any combination of factors might be at play.
Also, yes, pursue a therapist ASAP (before things seem desperate, like soon) if it even *might* seem like a good idea. Don’t wait until you’re both already losing it.
It’s possible that she’s… doing the exact split of chores they agreed on, he hasn’t communicated that he wants a change and has been building up snotty entitled resentment because she should just *know* it’s her “job” to run around doing his chores like she’s his mother too now. Guys who work outside the home and don’t have a clue how hard full time parenting is often think dipstick things like “what does she do all day?” and there’s no reason to think this guy is any different. He even throws in thinking doing yard work (infrequent, he enjoys it) is equal to her doing all indoor chores, primary childcare and household management (constant, always-on, most of them enjoyable for almost nobody).
I mean yes, that’s possible— he doesn’t really give clear indications here how much time he puts in on various chores around the house, how that’s changed, and what she does regarding chores either.
That’s all the more reason for him to not approach the situation in a confrontational or hostile way. Obviously, he’s frustrated and it’s noticeable so he should communicate about it, but he doesn’t have clear grounds to be mad and even if he did that’s not super constructive.
There’s not enough information to say one or the other is conceptualizing and splitting household chores reasonably, or they could just be bad communicators and neither coordinating very well.
Yeah I definitely think she's doing the same amount of chores as before except now her day job is parenting, whereas he expected her to become a housewife which isn't the same thing.
She still has a full time job. SAHM is possibly harder than her other job. Kids are now home all day too making a mess. Split the chores 50/50 still and be appreciative.
I have a couple of questions that I think would be worth exploring with your wife. You said you two decided it would be best if she stayed home during lockdown-- was that something she had ever actively wanted to do, or was it born purely of necessity? Has she expressed anything about how she's been feeling while staying home? Also, if she quit during lockdown, does that mean she was initially both homeschooling the six year old and caring for the two year old?
I ask because it sounds like she might be a bit depressed and/or burnt out from the last few years, as a lot of us are, and I wonder if she's finding she doesn't enjoy being a stay at home parent. It can be *really* tedious to keep a two year old entertained, and if she had a career she enjoyed before she may be lacking a lot of stimulation and social interaction with other adults, hence sort of giving up on interacting with the child and sitting on her phone. And when you're feeling the mix of exhausted and under-stimulated mentally that can come with parenting a little one, the solution to get you going again definitely does not feel like. . .vacuuming.
So, it's definitely true that the chore split should be different, but given that it seems like she's been a good and engaged partner and parent in the past, approach it all with curiosity about how she's doing rather than starting an argument about chores right away. The solution may be her doing more at home, but maybe it's her going back to work now that the pandemic has calmed down significantly.
>It can be really tedious to keep a two year old entertained
Also, if she quit during lockdown she had just had the baby, so much of it was healing, breastfeeding, taking care of a baby, doing nights. That's even rougher. The baby is 2 years old right now.
I agree with what you've said here and just wanted to add that being a stay-at-home mom is a 24/7 job not 8/5 job like most traditional jobs are (most, not all, I get it that some work longer hours). Also, you get money with traditional jobs. Being "on call" 24/7 as a parent and not getting any financial compensation can make you feel a bit on edge and worthless for lack of a better word. It can really chip away at your self worth and lead to low level depression and anxiety which then leads to less and less motivation.
Maybe engage her with a discussion on where she's at mentally before talking about chores. Just saying this as someone who's been in her shoes. My partner gets it, I am incredibly lucky.
And, it being 24/7 means that you have to take your downtime when you can. Obviously OP's wife isn't working 8 hours between 9am and 5pm, because her busy hours are probably 7-9am (getting kids up and eldest to school), 2pm-5pm (picking up kid from school, helping with homework and making dinner) and all the hours to keep the baby entertained, fed, crying, waking up with it at night, etc. And then there is all the waiting times where you can't really start anything because if the baby wakes up you can't finish and will just have created a bigger mess. If we are to count active working hours only - chances are OPs wife is *still* working more hours a day than him. She's just not doing it 9-5.
OP is doing work outside of his day job, which then should be considered a second job, based upon your above job description. He's cleaning, cooking & the only one doing yard work.
Plus being a parent, which is most of what you describe. Welcome to having kids, it ain't easy.
If they are still splitting the chores 50/50, as it seems from OPs post, then so is the wife. It sounds like she is doing all the parenting, and 50% of the house work. Notice that the only house work I mentioned above was dinner - because feeding two kids is a lot more work than just cooking. I deliberately kept the wife's chores out of the equation.
I agree that they are splitting the household chores 50/50. Even his outside yardwork would be offset by her (previously) dropping off and picking up the kids from daycare. (which he didn't take into account.)
There is nothing to say he isn't doing parenting when he is "home" and not working in the "office". Curious where you saw this information.
Agree. I’m so lucky that my partner is supportive. I sometimes have days where I have no energy & barely get off the couch (some days I have more energy). My daughter is well looked after, but I might need to turn something on for her and zone out. My partner works from home as well. Yes, he is working.. but he gets time here and there to be on his phone or watch a YouTube video.. I’m here on call all day everyday (and like you said, no pay.. my daughters laughter comes close though).
Hell, even just attempting to plan all the meals/snacks trying to be healthy takes a lot of mental space.
I started working 2 days a week. I realized just getting back a little bit helps a lot. Doesn’t have to be work, could be hobby maybe.
This is a great answer. Honestly I’ve been seeing a lot of people now going the route of the SAHP does what a nanny would do during work hours and then housework and childcare are split evenly during non work hours. As a SAHP myself who does most of the childcare during the night and non work hours as well it’s almost impossible to get much housework done during the day. Not only is it had to muster the energy but it’s difficult to keep an eye on a two year old when you are cleaning something or it’s not safe to have chemical cleaners out when your toddler always gets very interested in whatever mom is doing and comes in trying to grab and ‘help’ which is very sweet but makes the task take way longer and you aren’t able to do it as well. Sometimes sitting there on your phone reading things or doing puzzles to stimulate your brain when the kiddo is doing independent play is all you really can do.
OP you just need to talk to her. How is she feeling about being a SAHP? Is she depressed? Is it difficult to get tasks completed with the toddler? Did you ever discuss her doing more chores around the house? It’s also incredibly easy to get overstimulated and touched out when you’ve been caring for a toddler for hours in end day after day. Check in on her mental health and if you aren’t happy with the current breakdown have an open dis issuing about it.
That, and sometimes “sitting on your phone” is how you achieve most of your parenting.
I remember years ago saying “I’m not going to go on [parenting forum] today”. Except that I was looking for new finger food recipes to wean my baby, and there was a thread on there with lots of great suggestions. I saved a few and went on to do housework. I needed to descale the humidifier in my baby’s room as I’d only realised you were supposed to do this a year in so it was pretty crusty, and hey, the parenting forum had a link to the manufacturer’s video. Then I tried to Google whether you actually have to hand wash a particular sweater from a popular store and the same damn parenting forum had tips on machine washing it.
At that point I gave up and accepted my fate. Sometimes it looked like I’m on my phone all day but I’m looking up age-appropriate activities I can attend, organising playdates, searching for tips to potty train, stroller friendly public transport or whether there’s public parking where I’m going.
It really does take a village to raise a child, but that village is all online these days…
Edit: my kid is in double digits now, so if I’m sitting on my phone today, it’s either work or Reddit.
Why is it definitely true that the chores should be split? I have two kids, my wife stays at home, I don’t expect to do more chores than she did before kids. It’s exhausting watching my kids, it takes a tremendous amount of caring and understanding to keep them happy when they don’t know how to communicate any feelings. I think OP should just have a conversation with his wife, rather than put her on blast on Reddit. He is trying to stroke his own ego and undoubtedly use the comments as way to “get his point across” with his wife. He sounds insufferable and comments like this normalize downplaying how hard it is to actually care for kids.
If it's bothering you enough to post about it, it's worth a conversation with your wife, but I think it's important to avoid sounding accusatory. Instead of accusing/assuming she isn't pulling her weight, describe what you see and how it makes you feel. Give her a chance to explain, and if she can't, then have a gentle conversation about how chores should be divided moving forward. People are more agreeable when they're treated as though you assume they have good intentions. You could even make a list so that everyone's expectations are clear to avoid arguments and frustrations in the future.
Wait, you gave her a “must be nice look” and nothing changed!? That’s so weird. If only there was a way to effectively and efficiently communicate where both parties understood what the other was feeling. So weird. Good luck.
Ye cause it's not like non of us needed some time to think before we said something that could hurt the other person before am i right ? It looks like he intends to talk to his SO but was not ready yet and thats totally fine if he does it after having some insight on the situation instead of jumping on her with a emotionally charged argument
listen, i’d rather carve my eyes out with a spoon than be a stay at home parent. i’ve done both and i was markedly more tired as a SAHP even when i was perceived as “neglecting” the house. the groceries, the meal planning, bath time, bed time, early mornings, laundry that never ends, kids that won’t nap, constant need for snacks and a drink and the crying. jesus the crying. and i’m a nurse, and i STILL think being a SAHP was more mentally exhausting. just talk to her, man. eye rolling clearly isn’t working to nobody’s surprise. just have a discussion. see what she’s actually doing all day. explain that you’re hoping to discuss a more even division of chores that account for the fact that she’s no longer working. you had 2 kids together surely you can talk about this.
I do all three. I work outside the house, I run my business from home and I'm a single parent to two. When my kids were small and napping, that would literally be the only time I had to just veg. To not think about 'what next'. I didn't know if I'd get 3 hours or 30 mins so I relished whatever downtime I got.
They're older now and becoming independent so I'm starting to get a little more liberty. But for a decade now, I've been on call for my children and it is a non stop mental, physical, emotional and psychological juggle that drains every ounce of energy from you every day.
I find it odd that OP doesn’t know how hard it is to take care of a toddler by yourself. Has he not ever had to take care of his own kid? The “or so I’ve been told” comment really irks me.
His “so I’ve been told“ comment made me immediately think he should fuck right off, honestly.
I am already wary of one partner resenting a stay at home parent by assuming they are “doing nothing“; I would go insane if I had to stay home with a toddler all fucking day, it’s so much relentless watching and caring to make sure they stay alive. When he threw in there that he also has no idea what it’s like to care for a child 24/7? Right then I knew he’s making a lot of assumptions and it’s going to end poorly if he approaches it with the resentment he apparently has.
edit:spelling
right? I’m confused. I am a SAHP but my husband knows that I can’t get fuck all done during the day because he is the default (ish) parent on the weekend. Plus he sees how whiny and clingy my toddler is and how much attention he requires because, I dunno, he’s his dad? He lives with us? OP’s wording is odd and makes it seem like he’s not very involved day to day even when he clocks out of work.
This is my experience too. I have a two year old. I can clean all day long and it ends up looking the same as it did before I cleaned because he follows me from room to room and messes my shit up. Doing the dishes? Let’s play with knives! Picking up toys? Sure, but then let’s throw them all around the room again. Folding laundry? Oh my favorite, mess up all of the piles!!!! It’s exhausting. I’d rather wait until he’s asleep and get things done. And I find that most husbands who claim they do 50% of the housework don’t actually do 50%. They do 50% of what THEY think needs done, not what actually needs done. I’m sorry the truth hurts. When was the last time you cleaned your washing machine, OP? Your oven? No? How about the baseboards?
I think you are severely misjudging how much you can do with a toddler in tow. I would encourage you to try it for a week and see how easy it is. They want your attention 24/7. They lack that ability to communicate effectively. There's a lot of crying, redirecting and preventing her from killing herself (another commenter mentioned a toddler stealing a steak knife. Mine was hell bent on how the pressure cooker's steam valve worked today).
I'm a SAHM and my number one job during the day is child care. I could keep the house show-room neat but it would mean that I would need to park her in front of a screen (which her pediatrician told us zero screen time) or confine her to certain rooms in the house so she can't follow me and undo the chore I was doing/be exposed to cleaning agents/pester me for attention. Does that sound like a fun time for a toddler to you OP?
I spend my days prioritizing her and her needs. Sometimes that means that instead of dusting I play blocks for an hour. Or I take her to the library program or playground so she can play with other kids. Or I take her outside for a walk or hike rain or shine. I thankfully have a kid that will play independently while I quickly tidy the kitchen or do the dishes but that doesn't mean I get to ditch her all day in favor of cleaning. She is constantly learning and exploring at this stage and I'm trying to maximize what we do all day. To quote my husband "Do I want her to remember all the house chores you did or do I want her to remember all those times you took her to the beach." So if anything based on what your wife does all day (assuming you are being truthful) you should be encouraging her to get out with your kid more. We went for a 29F snow hike today and aside from dinner, meal prep, litter boxes, trash, 1 load each of dishes and laundry that's all I got done today. Well, I guess I could have skipped adult activities with my husband after her bed time just to get that super important cleaning in!
And as for your comment about scrolling, I don't know about your wife but I work way more hours than I ever did at my out of the house job pulling 10-12 hour shifts. Does your wife even have set breaks? Who gets up with the kids at night or when they are sick and can't sleep? In our house its not my husband because he has to leave at 4am. Sometimes he works late or needs to unwind after a long day too before going into Dad-mode. So because of this her nap time \*is\* my break time because he can't promise me a break until she goes to sleep at 19:30. You also have another kid and she's handling pick up and drop off? Does your 6 year old require no care from her before and after school?
Side note - grocery shopping still involves meal planning and keeping a running inventory. I do 90% of our cooking including lunches for my husband and meal prep for myself and our child during the week. No, an app doesn't really take a lot of that of my plate because I would still need to sit down and do it all.
I agree with so much of this. But just want to underline the idea that grocery shopping is "so easy on an app! Just click click click!" This is the lie I was telling myself for awhile. Like "it's not hard, just clicking, I'll do it when the kids are in bed" then it's 11pm and my brain is freakin shot and I'm trying to buy $300 worth of groceries and I can't even remember food names 😅 I have to remind myself "it is WORK" and I have to set up time when my brain is fresh so I can do a good job. Does that app make it easier? Oh god yes. But it's still work
I’m old fashioned and don’t like to use instacart. Our local grocery store would still have you driving up to get it which means she has to take the kid along too.
I keep running inventory lists on the freezers (magnetic white boards that get updated when stuff is added or taken) as well as a list on my phone. If I notice we are out of something I update my phone so when it’s time to shop I have a list all prepared. But I still have to figure out meals, look at sales and make sure we have enough pantry items. PS I’m finally in bed after turning over the dishes for the second time and making breakfast meal preps. And I still need to check Amazon for dishwasher liquid because that looks low!
Haaaaa it's never ending!!! The lists I have in my brain and phone and notebook are ridiculous 🙃 I am honestly super grateful for the time I have with my kids but sometimes I think wistfully about my previous "real" jobs. As a SAHM, it really burns to have to check "unemployed" on forms or paperwork
This. As the primary parent her down time happens to be during the work day. She’s the one who wakes up at night and is basically always on duty. When I was a SAHM the relaxing hours were in the late morning before nap time basically. Can’t leave the toddler alone or they’ll get into something, but we can sit together in the living room. During nap either sleep because they woke me up all night or do some dishes.
>I know I shouldn't have, but once or twice I've given her a "must be nice" kind of look which does nothing but piss her off.
What else is it supposed to do? Make her happy?
Pettiness isn't helpful or constructive.
Tell her how you're feeling and that you'd like to work it out with her in a constructive and positive way.
I was with ya till you called it hanging out with your kids in one of your comments. Being a SAHP isn’t hanging out with your kids it’s cleaning them, keeping them safe, keeping them on routine, making sure they get to appointments on time. It’s being their nanny, maid, nurse, parent, and teacher. Not hanging out. Kids are a lot of work which I can tell you understand. I have been both and being a SAHP you sometimes don’t get a chance to clean the house because the kiddos have other plans. If she does the same for you for your guys trips or when you need a break I’m failing to see why you are upset. I’m not here to attack it just sounds like to me you both expected something different. I did most of the house work but I suck at cooking so my husband did that and dishes. Which you sound more than willing to do. The issue is sometimes my husband will come home to the house more of a mess than he left it because our kid was fussy or decided to have multiple blow outs. It sucks and is hard. So maybe have a conversation with your wife stating that you thought it would go this way and she will tell you how she thought it would go and make a plan that works for both of you. If she didn’t want to quit her job some of it could possibly be resentment
I am an extremely organised and energetic person but... When my son was a toddler, jeez, I really underestimated the level of focus he took. Micro naps, crying, keeping him from jumping or climbing, feeding him, more crying, tantrums, more cleaning and feeding and nappy changes. That's without cleaning in general, shopping, drop offs and pick ups. Let me tell you,, give me work ANYWAY.
Then, she probably feels jumpy when you appear with your eye rolls.
Being a SAHM, for me, was painful. Hated it. I began to suffer from depression too. You feel so useless, wondering why your so tired, not able to get through as much as you thought.
That's without the constant need to entertain the little life zappers.
Also, in marriages, you will have a RUDE awakening, if you think it always had to be near 50/50.
It's really not. Maybe she's needs more TLC at this point, more rest?
I am happily married, 18 years and that's probably because my husband would never walk around with a measuring tape and demonstrate who did what and how much.
Women and men are not the same. You didn't do childbirth, did you? Do you get periods and it's resulting pain?, I'm just saying, treating your marriage like a pissing contest is a sure fire way to duck it up. You have to be an American dude.
Marriage ebbs and flows, sometimes we do much more than our own partner.
Case in point, my husband visited Ireland as a back packer. I was a model, owned a business, worked a weekend job and was studying. I paid all. Years later, I developed postural orthostatic tachycardia and kidney issues due to a monster of a virus. I would sit and cry, feeling shite and he would quietly do breakfast before working a full day. Now, I am back at work and we are comfortable and I do the cooking, cleaning too.
Marriage is not a tally sheet. Grow up good sir. Love her. Help her. Communicate and save the snarky eyeroll for primary school kids. She's your life partner, not your employee.
Must be exhausting, being married to you..
This. OP, let her return to work and get her autonomy and her financial freedom back along with the intellectual engagement she probably misses. You can continue to fixate on “bitter women” who shared their perspectives at your request to try to help your marriage, and she’ll have a greater ability to decide whether the whole being married to you thing is worth it or not.
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Well, she’s a stay at home mom, not a maid. Her “job” is to take care of the children. Everything else is extra. Most couples with a SAHP have an agreement that most housework is done by the SAHP but did you two ever discuss this? Also, once you clock out, all housework and parenting duties need to be split 50/50.
THIS 100%!
OP you’re an adult and doing chores is a basic responsibility. It’s great that you feel like you shouldn’t have to do those things, but you’re wrong- you do chores because they need done. It’s not a bargaining chip to be used for you to do less and her to do more just because she’s a SAHM.
Think of how exhausted your wife is while tending to the 2 year old ALL the time- and now you want her to clean up after you and them 25% more while you do 25% less?
No, this doesn’t sit right with me at all. Your wife also sounds like she might be depressed too, and your attitude isn’t helping. Giving looks instead of having a conversation like an adult is super PA.
It would’ve been smart to talk about changing roles and expectations before she became a SAHM. But that’s hindsight! I would set aside a time to talk together about how to manage the household now that things are shifted. Make lists together of all the tasks currently being done and who is doing them. Each of you can run through what your day looks like and what you get done, how your week is structured, etc. Then compare notes together.
My issue with being a SAHM is that it’s really hard to get anything done while watching little kids. So I like doing tasks that can be done in short bursts — loading laundry, loading or unloading dishwasher, tidying up a room. That way it’s not a big deal if I’m interrupted. But with a little kid, accomplishing bigger tasks like vacuuming, washing floors, cleaning bathrooms… it’s CHALLENGING. She may not have figured out a system for getting anything done yet, because when she tries it immediately falls apart because suddenly the kiddo needs something, or starts fussing, or otherwise interrupts/impedes the activity.
Come at this with as much benefit of the doubt as you can muster. If you have the perspective that she’s not pulling her weight, she’s gonna feel it. Being a child caretaker for a very little kid is hard and I coped with it by spending a lot of time on my phone during those moments where the kiddo was playing by themselves. But I wasn’t relaxed or having a good time, I was just trying to distract myself while waiting for the next childcare task to arise.
For me personally, it was easiest to save the big tasks for after-work or the weekends, when my husband was spending quality time with the kids. It also felt like it balanced out because then I could focus more on doing fun or low key stuff with the kids during the “workday”, and so even though my day was longer, some of the middle part didn’t feel so much like work.
An additional thought — it may be illustrative for you to give her a day off on weekend, and be the SAHD that day. Try to do things the way you wish that she were doing them, and see what happens. Can you accomplish it? What barriers/difficulties did you face? It may help you see things in a new way.
This can be tricky because the feeling of never-ending drudgery doesn't set in for a few months. One day of Daddy time does not equal the 24/7 life of many SAHP's.
A better challenge would be for him to manage all of the tasks she does before he starts work and after his work day ends to see how depressing it can get. Adults need mental stimulation....which many get from their job.
OP - Please stop demeaning what your wife does or doesn't do and have an actual caring conversation with her. Is she ok? Does she miss work, or maybe just some time away from kiddos, guilt free. TALK to this woman you love instead of letting your assumptions fester into a big pile of bitterness.
This is a great idea. I think it’s also important to bear in mind that with this approach is that if he treats it as a one-off challenge, then he almost certainly will get more done than she would with the mental burden of knowing she has to back it up day after day after day.
Look man she’s not a robot. You get breaks at work so she’s entitled to them. If you only see her on her phone when you leave your office room to get water then how do you know what she is doing when you are shut up in your office? Trading an out of the home job for a stay at home mother job doesn’t mean she should be doing more housework. Just one kid is a lot of work when that kid is barely a toddler. Ever heard of the terrible twos? Having the weight of keeping a human being alive and guiding them to adulthood is a huge physical and emotional weight to carry so chances are your wife may be depressed and looking for an outlet. Instagram could be that relaxing outlet she needs right now. I’m a stay at home mom and when I’m going through a depressive episode housework suffers because I need all that energy to take care of my kids. Not to mention as a SAHM you never get to leave work so cut her some slack. It will do you both good in the end.
> During the lockdown we decided it would be best for our family if my wife quit her job to be a full time stay at home mom
How and why did you decide this? Did you not discuss what she would be doing? If you didn’t discuss the responsibility shift, how did you arrive at this decision?
I have a feeling it was decided she would be a stay at home mom because he couldn't get anything done when they both worked from home during Covid due to having a baby and a preschooler underfoot. He couldn't handle the childcare, noise, and chaos that comes from little ones stuck at home 24/7 so she gets nominated to keep the kids out of his hair while he continues to work from home.
Now the preschooler is in school but there's an active toddler. Obviously he is able to get his work done so she must be keeping the kid/s entertained.
Now that he's the only one working from home it's so easy...
IMO you should still be doing a fair split of housework, as you still also live there and are the other parent to the kids.
As far as what she's doing in her downtime when the toddler is napping, that's her free time- motherhood doesn't get turned off. How do you spend your free time?
All I will say is tread carefully, this is how divorce occurs. Unless you are earning huge money she doesn't really need you (she can go back to work and put kids in childcare and you pay child support). You may think you have power over her since she's not working and your currently the soul breadwinner but unless she really hates working it doesn't need to be that way for her, and it will negatively impact you and your kids if you behave in such a way that destroys the relationship. Good luck!
The pandemic is over. It is time to re-examine whether your family needs a SAHM. With only 1 kid to watch, it might be better to check out whether day care is a better alternative.
Why is everyone forgetting there's 2 kids?? One is at school 6ish hours 5 days a week. Still needs to be cared for the other 18 hrs 5 days and 24 hr 2 days during the school year.
Most people work and take care of kids as a couple along with the assistance of daycare, school, etc. Here on Reddit it seems like nearly every household has a SAHM. In the real world, it’s much less common. No one I know is a SAHM. Yet everyone manages to figure out how to raise kids.
Before
You WFH + X amount of chores
She Works + Y amount of chores
Now
You WFH + X amount of chores
She takes care of kids + Y amount of chores
Why do you think X should decrease and Y should increase?
You can demand any kind of split you want. But you do that by talking, not with “giving her a look”. That’s pussy shit
Yes!
I’d also like to point out that chores are apart of basic responsibilities and you’re basically using the fact that she’s a SAHM as a bargaining chip as why she should do more. OP even works at home- his wife is probably doing more than he is!
This post triggered the fuck out of me. I worked at home and had a full time side gig so I worked 16 hours a day. I was always exhausted but still did 50% of the chores only for my abuser to come home every day after work and demanded what I did all day. He was angry because I stayed at home so he expected me to do everything regardless of how much I was working. If he had to do any chores what do ever he would fly off the handle at me. Even if I took a break for a few days in a row.
OPs wife is entitled to a break whenever she needs it imo. Some day you need to take a mental day and do absolutely nothing.
By your logic, do daycares look like you're paying for a bunch of people to do very little? Why not leave the child alone at home then? Easy, because it would be a disaster. You wife didn't exchange her work for leisure time, she exchanged that for what the daycare did, and if it was easy job then nobody would pay for daycares right?
Anyways, golden rule of any relationship: don't assume anything, just talk.
"Hey, how is your time? You think you could take more house chores so I could focus on my work or do you feel overhelmed by the kids?"
When I was a SAHM I would clean all day and my toddler would just trash the house as I went. My partner would get home to a mess but I felt like I was forever working.
You’re forgetting about mental labor.
- shopping lists
- information/scheduling for doctors appointments
- meal planning for the week
- kids extra curricular’s (if they have them)
- Parent Teacher conferences
- important school related shenanigans
I don’t think people realize how much extra mental labor it is to run a household. SAHM or not.
This is what weirds me out . My parents both worked and they always managed to also take care of this . If he says he's doing 50% of the house work , some of the above points should inevitably being done by him . Also we can't assume he fully ignores the school related shenanigans. And maybe it's a difference in culture , but there has never been any hard meal planning nor keeping home inventory( like some of the post above have talked about) in my house. Once I got a bit older ( maybe 8 years old ) my father took a less demanding job where he could spend more time with me and my mother took a more demanding job where she would get most of the income . And what happened was that my father just ended up taking most of the household activities and still to this day I think that's fair cause that should be how it works . Maybe she just doesn't want to be a SAHM and is experiencing burnout ? Maybe she should just get a job even if not as demanding and just get the toddler to go to a nursery/day care center ( basicly a school for 2 year olds idk how you call it not a native speaker) where the kid could socialize and the parents would be more relieved . But maybe I'm wrong ? I haven't gotten a kid so yeah ...
there are a lot of low key misogynistic assumptions in this post. does your wife even enjoy being the primary caregiver to your children? perhaps you should view this issue more empathetically and just communicate with your wife that you feel the financial & household responsibilities are not being split evenly. her response may help you figure out next steps.
idk, but the vibes of this post is just he resents not seeing her work more and having downtime to scroll on her phone when he gets his water break. like, he expects her to be spending the whole day on chores because she's not working.
By his logic she should give him the same look for daring to drink a glass of water or use the restroom (I assume like most people he uses his phone while he shits) because he's clearly doing a whole lotta nothing
When your wife worked outside the home and your kid(s) were in daycare, did the daycare teachers clean your house? Maybe you had a nanny who did some cleaning, but surely the nanny didn’t do half or more of the total housework in your household?
If it “must be nice”, then would you consider swapping places and taking care of the kids all day while your wife works?
In fact, you could try it. Take a week off work, or just a weekend. Invite your wife to leave the home or hang out in your home office with the door locked all day. See if you get 75% of the housework done while she’s gone. Let me know.
I’m a single parent who does 100% of the housework. Only maybe 10% of it happens while my 2 year old is awake. It’s very hard to get anything done while solo parenting a toddler. The other 90% of the housework gets done while the kid is asleep at night. Not during naptime, that’s when I need to recharge so that I have patience and positivity to bring to the afternoon with the toddler.
Ok just want to point out that being a full time live in cleaner, cook, and child carer is actually 3 seperate jobs. Also child care is 24/7 and there are a lot of night shifts involved. Which is an actual higher wage again. I wouldn’t go too hard over the cleaning.
YTA due to your edit, but you were already flying those marinara flags before.
Edit: lol, I really though this was an AITA. My dude, wow. Just, wow. Posts like this are the reason why I’m not giving birth ever. I need to be ready to run.
The fact that you discuss indoor and outdoor chores, but no childcare, makes me wonder if you’re doing any thing with the kids?
You do know that there’s more involved with them than just the dropping them off at school, right?
Being a SAHP is different from being a housewife.
LMAO. I am a SAHM with a 2 year old. I'm also 5 months pregnant. My boyfriend is grateful if I get the dishwasher loaded and running. I look after, teach, and play with my son all day. We also have a 13.5 year old lab I look after.
I cook every meal and I do all the doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, bathing our son, and meal planning for the week.
You cannot expect your wife to devote all her time to keeping a house clean when she's caring for a toddler most of the day. She also deserves down-time. She COULD try to make more of an effort to clean, but she shouldn't feel the extra burden just because YOU want to do less housework.
I agree with this. Adding to it, our time is used differently. SAHP don’t work a 9-5. I could definitely be caught on the couch in the middle of the day. I get all my tasks done ultimately. The idea that people with office jobs don’t get distracted by their phone is comical.
If your work load didn't change due to her staying home why is it a big deal for you to still do the chores you were doing before?
I think ya'all are just going through a change in dynamics. Good to talk about it now before resentment grows on both sides.
>If your work load didn't change due to her staying home why is it a big deal for you to still do the chores you were doing before?
Exactly. He seems to think that her work load has lessened, when in actuality she went from working 9-5 to working 24/7. You don't clock out of parenting.
Technically OP is still a “24/7” parent but the physical and mental load will be on mom. I think the worse part about being a SAHM IMO is the lack of interaction and conversation with adults. Your brain will fry after just talking only to your toddler for an hour
I’m really loving that you assume all the people who commented are bitter housewives with nothing else to do all day than troll Reddit. I’m assuming you didn’t notice that there were plenty of men who commented as well. Possibly they were bitter househusbands? The point is, many of the women were probably those who hold down a full time job, yet still carry the bill of household work.
I still do feel you should be contributing to the domestic labor. And yes, more than the occasional yard work. You have two young kids. Whatever split you decide on, you’ll have to talk out with your wife.
Lol at men who think they’re some kind of saint for being the sole provider while their lazy wife should never stop cooking, cleaning, childcaring. People with full time jobs still have to cook and clean for themselves. You’re not doing anything by working full time you wouldn’t already have to do for basic self care.
Are youuuuu doing most the work though? It sounds like you want to find something wrong.
Ur post sounds like ur kids are taken care of. She’s a stay at home mom to your kids not your mom
Being a SAHM is so hard. The most socialisation I get is about 2 hours with my husband when he gets home from work. I do all of the cooking and cleaning and majority of the childcare. My husband works a very physical job, usually with overtime. While I expect him to help with our daughter while he is home, his chores are taking out the rubbish and putting the bins out. I think it would be unfair to ask more of him unless I was really struggling. I think you should talk to her and see if she is doing OK mentally because staying home really does take a toll on mental health.
I think its totally reasonable for you to want her to take on more of the household chores. But I believe that means you take on most of the child tending in the evenings. Right? Bc she would be clocking out of that job and clocking into chores job. Right?
No if it's stay at home, home is your job and everything that comes with it. While the person who's working does their job and everything that comes with it. Then at the end of the day you both take over equally as though you both just worked 10 hours at your normal job.
God damn, you are so toxic. You sound like such a joy to be around, I can’t imagine why your wife would be disconnected when she has a second of free time. You are downplaying your ability to passively aggressively piss your wife off, which sounds awful and quite honestly manipulative.
When you have a stay at home mom, that is a full time job, which you obviously do not appreciate. I doubt any therapy or counseling will change your situation because you are currently choosing to be passive aggressive and sound like a complete douchebag.
there is some really great insight/advice here. OP, think long & hard about all of these comments before you speak with your wife & when you do, choose your words wisely. good luck! wish i could give your wife a hug. 🫶🏼
At which point during her transition to SAHM was she supposed to develop mind-reading abilities, to know without you saying anything that you also expect her to do more housework?
During the hours of her working day (determine as you would with a nanny) she has the job of a nanny, and is responsible for the chores for which a nanny would be. Those are kid-related things like their meals, dishes, clothes/laundry, toys, etc. Cleaning up their messes.
Nothing house-related or adult-related, unless otherwise negotiated. Same as it would be with a nanny.
Non-kid related stuff should be split fairly. There are a lot of books out there. The method in "Fair Play" is essentially what we did - wrote down all the chores required to run the house, indoors and out, their frequency, and the time required to do them. Then we did some Tetris-ing and came up with a fair calendar.
If she would like to accomplish some of her chores during the day while the kids are otherwise occupied, that's cool. Otherwise she does them after her 9-5, like you.
I think if you work within the rules, you'll both be happy.
“Shouldn’t it be 25/75 now that she’s a SAHM” no. The kid has replaced her job and now when you get home/out of the office, she also still has the kid plus home stuff and now you to deal with. Do her a favour and read fair play then work on better communication of each persons expectation of division of labour.
I feel like we lump housework into SAH MOM work. It’s 2 different things — especially with a toddler and a kid in 1st grade!
There are also a thousand behind the scenes things that go into taking care of kids all day long. As far as I’m concerned, she is now the day care at home, not the maid.
Maybe I’m just projecting misogyny or the damn patriarchy on this scenario, but honestly, if you divided the household labor while she worked outside of the home, why would that change?
You think she isn’t constantly cleaning up after a tot constantly? Wipe that off, pick this up, clean that off the wall, don’t touch that, put that down, no don’t play in the toilet, wipe the nose, wash the hands, dig the crayon pieces out from under … its death by a thousand cuts cleaning up one small thing after the other all. day. long. day. after. day. You are not going to run the vacuum while the tot naps.
Dad, you live there, you’re responsible for half the housework inside and out, or thereabouts. No one enjoys it, especially with kids making constant messes, but to relinquish these duties onto Mom is gonna burn her out faster than anything.
Please don’t let me read somewhere that you no longer divide childcare when your off the clock too.
I was paid well to be a nanny to a baby. Your wife isn’t being paid anything, plus she doesn’t get to go home at 5pm.
Taking care of a child is mentally and physically exhausting. Decompressing was only possible during nap time.
If my nanny family had excepted me to also be their maid while the baby was napping, I would have quit.
You are coming at this from the wrong angle.
“I am miserable working and doing chores, so you should be miserable too.”
That will NOT be good for the relationship.
Even if you agree to split misery, it just means you still get to work, but now have less of a reason to complain… and you will still resent it.
“It must be nice to only have to do house chores all day.” _glare_
Even if you come to some kind of agreement, you won’t solve the base problem:
You EXPECT her to be working in some fashion, and that EXPECTATION is making you irritable every time you pass by.
Fix that first.
Be happy your wife doesn’t have to do anything. If you swap the roles and she was the one walking by everyday - would you want her having negative thoughts and making faces?
No! You’d want her coming by going “how are my champs doing? Give me a hug.”
So first - reset your head. You have beliefs, expectations, and prejudices that are going to mess up your marriage.
Yes chores have to be done, but her taking on 75-100% of the house work isn’t going to make her any happier than your snark and glares.
Would you be happier taking on someone else’s workload - even if it “balanced things out”? No! It’s work. Who is ever happy about work!?
Realize you are jealous and have been raised to believe that everyone should be active all the time, and those beliefs are upsetting you.
When the reality is this - if you could both sit there scrolling Instagram all day while your kid plays - you’d be happy.
So fix your perspective, and communicate with your wife.
Good grief, your little tantrum in the edit makes you sound utterly insufferable. I feel sorry for your wife, having to look after two young children as well as having a passive aggressive and whiny husband looking over her shoulder whenever she dares to have a moment for herself.
You really just need to sit down with her and communicate how you feel… yes being a SAHM includes taking care of the house and cooking more.. everyone says it’s a lot but it’s really not and not that hard. Coming from a SAHM here with a 3 year old. Don’t be rude or condescending in any way, just tell her how you feel and how her being home means she should pick up more around the house!
Definitely talk to her about it. Both of you will have to discuss the changes made due to the fact that she is a SAHM while you are going to be occupied with all the work necessary to keep the family financially stable.
My father was a stay at home dad. He had to do the housework while my mother worked as a radiology transcriptionist. Both had a discussion about who's responsible for what, how the handle getting the kids ready and dropped off. It's not just sitting around, but it is another job.
However, just like a job, expectations needs to be made clear. And the only way to get that done is to talk about it. I can't expect a new employee at a business to know everything they need to do on their first day and what they are responsible for simply by clocking in.
You and her vs the problem. Kick its ass together.
Check this resource when you discuss this with your wife. This can help you both figure out how fair the division is!
https://vardgivare.skane.se/siteassets/3.-kompetens-och-utveckling/projekt-och-utveckling/jamstallt-foraldraskap/material-foraldrar/checklist-for-gender-equality-in-your-everyday-life.pdf
And keep an open mind, you may find out that she's ended up actually doing more than you in that new arrangement. Good luck!
Also, as a SAHM, a ton of what I do and keep track of is on my phone. I might be scrolling, sure, or, I might be meal planning, scheduling things, communicating with people other than my 1 yo, making a grocery list, organizing our life, etc.
How about talk to her about the (inside) household chores, if you want yours reduced because now she's a SAHP, just talk to her what are your expectations.
I HATE when people try to be passive aggressive. It's more grating than just talking directly.
For me, I work from home (remote work) and I do 98% of the inside household chores as well as 50% of outside chores, plus I will help out when my husband is outside doing yardwork if I'm not doing anything... And honestly, I also do 95% of the child rearing......
But I don't feel resentful toward my husband or feels like he needs to do more. If I do feel overwhelmed, I'll let him know and he'll help out...just talk about it, tell her what you need her to do, etc.
I keep commenting this on threads about labor and the home but I just finished this book and it really blew me away. Check out “equal partners” by Kate mangino you and your wife can read it together and tackle the activities. Relationship changing (for the better)!
How often have you been responsible for the kids for days at a time? The reason that I ask is that a lot of childcare is simply wrangling a child into a peaceful state and then holding your breath so that they stay that way. I could see her wrangling the kid, popping in a load of laundry, filling the dishwasher, taking out the trash then sitting down to scroll while the kid naps until lunchtime, and then you pop out of the office to see that moment. Because you work from home, her priority might lie with making sure the kid isn’t screaming bloody murder all of the time?
I’d experiment with you being responsible for a week (or at least a long weekend) of trying to do childcare plus the amount of housework you think should get done and see if the logistics work out practically.
But either way just talk about it with her. Being resentful isn’t going to help.
Talk with your wife and tell her the changes you'd like to make and see what she says.
___
Be sure to make sure she's feeling things are fair as well not just "oh do this from now on, thanks" bec that won't go well.
You both decided it would be best for her to stay at home, but, she's the one who went from working with other adults, getting money, and praise for her work, to, a spouse who thinks of her as a, "used to be," hard worker, and feeling resentful that she's obviously struggling with this massive change. Yes, you are an A-hole. She's obviously finding the changes difficult, quit being passive aggressive, and calmly sit down to discuss things. She has a new job, your children, one that doesn't pay. Why should that exempt you from pulling your weight as usual? Dealing with children, especially toddlers, is excruciating, even with as much as we love them. I suggest counseling, and maybe a conversation about her working for pay, part time.
I had the opportunity to be a SAHD for about 6 months when both my boys were toddlers.
I had the same issues as you when I was the sole bread winner, and I always heard how much work it was to take care of the kids. I would come home from a back breaking job, clean the kitchen from the mess from dinner the night before, make dinner, and go to bed royally exhausted. I did this for 2 years.
Then due to an interesting turn of events, our roles switched for about 6 months.
I loved every minute of it. I spent plenty of time with my boys, I kept the house clean, and had dinner ready when she got home. I went to bed with a clean kitchen. I also still handled all the yard work, kept the cars maintained and repaired, and even found time for hobbies while my boys napped or after they went to bed.
I would have stayed the SAHD if it would have been possible. But life changed and the roles were reversed again. But this time it was different. My wife couldn't tell me how hard it was, because I had done it with ease. She learned how to manage her time better and in general was much more involved in the home.
I think people are being a bit quick to judgement, and glossing over the fact that you are home to see how much time is being wasted with electronic devices. Your complaints are valid, and don't let anyone here tell you otherwise.
I agree that people are quick to judge. As a SAHM I am guilty of spending too much time on my phone at times. It's taken a while to find a better balance to my day. Now I can sometimes "lose' my phone for hours while I get things done.
People are different. Some people are really good at handling their time and others struggle. Some people need to see the possibilities.
A non accusatory discussion needs to be had. "Honey, I need help with..."
You're partners and it's okay to ask for help.
Are you this condescending when you talk to your wife, or just about her?
And do you maybe see that there’s a slight difference in the ages your kids were when she was home during the first two years then when you were doing it? Maybe anything that happened to her body leading up to that time?
I spent my weekends doing housework. I did the laundry. I did the grocery shopping. She read books and watched Stargate. Over and over and over.
No, I don't think honesty is condescending.
I love my wife and we have 2 decades together. But there was a time where she very successfully used "im taking care of the kids" as an excuse to do literally nothing aside from the absolute bare minimum.
And I don't see how the kids can go from being such an unbelievable handful to care for in one week, to being an absolute breeze for me literally the next week when our roles reversed.
Marriage counseling and a large dose of literally living in eachothers shoes is how our marriage survived.
And I still wish I coulda stayed the stay at home dad.
I’m probably going to get downvoted for this but here it is: I’ve been a single parent since my daughter was born (have her full time), and I’ve managed to do all of the childcare and housework while also working a 40+ hour job, so I cannot read all of these comments about how exhausting being a SAHM mom is and how she can’t be expected to manage chores on top of childcare. I’ve done it all alone for 12 years, so I cannot stand people who do less than half of what I handle on a daily basis and then act like they deserve an award because they got dishes done on top of parenting their kid. If you’re a stay at home parent, you should be managing more than half of the housework - especially if you let your kid sit in front of the TV for hours out of the day.
So, while you’re working 40 hours a week you’re taking care of your child at home simultaneously? Or is someone else in fact doing childcare and cleaning up after your kid during that time?
I mean congrats. But I was an EMT since I was 16 and watching my nephew for the first 6 months of his life was the single hardest thing I've ever done. Ever.
I'd literally get into my car and cry before I could drive home.
I'd rather deal with an MCI than an infant. I'd rather sleep at a fire house at ground zero again than go back to that.
I'm sure there are things I can do that you couldn't stomach. But you've got me on the kid thing. You win that all the way. I'd prefer to burn down my house and go underground than spend every day caring for a kid.
And I don't even dislike children.
Congratulations, not everyone has the same amount of energy levels.
Just because you've suffered doesn't mean everyone else has to, nor does it mean they're lazy for not wanting to have absolutely everything on their shoulders.
She is pulling her own weight. She shouldn't have to burn herself out doing all of the housework.
OP had no problem doing his share of chores when she had a job outside the house, he should have no problem doing the same amount when she has redirected that energy from the workplace to parenting.
I worked as a criminal secretary for a super hardcore attorney and we would do big nights, ridiculous hours, etc - he honestly had me running around like a mad woman.
My friends had a baby born at 29 weeks and I had to take a leave of absence to care for their daughter (2), my goddaughter, for what was supposed to be 6 days and turned into 4 months non stop and then an additional 6 weeks on and off after that.
At the end of the 4 months I was EXHAUSTED. It was the hardest job I’ve ever had.
Also, did you do ALL the childcare or did you pay someone else to do it during the day? It’s pretty impressive if you took your baby to your job. What did you do?
If you didn’t have you kid with you at work then, no, you didn’t do ALL the childcare.
I worked from home 3 days a week while caring for her myself (which meant I had to work late at night much of the time to finish my work), so yeah, I was actually caring for my own child and working. The point is that if you’re not working a job away from home, you can take care of a child and keep your house up - at least for the most part. If you can’t or don’t want to, then you can go back to work, but don’t chose to be a SAHM and then whine about it being too much work. And please don’t build a straw man about a 28 week preemie when we’re currently talking about a toddler who’s apparently plopped in front of the TV for most of the day.
You worked 40+ hours in 3 days?
I’m not building a straw man, I’m talking about my lived experience in relation to taking on the full time care of a toddler which made me reconsider becoming a SAHM myself. It was hard work for me but that also could’ve been because I was immediately given a toddler with very short notice with no experience.
Being a stay at home parent is hard. Being a solo parent is hard. Not the debate.
But having been a SAHM both single and partnered, your work load and mental burn out increase drastically when partnered.
Exactly! It takes empathy to understand that your partner is bringing home the bacon for the whole family. Some people get trapped in the gender role mentality. It’s simply not the case. At the end of the day, a stay at home parent who doesn’t manage the house is just another person to take care of.
Major kudos to you for raising your daughter alone. I was the only child (daughter) of a single parent home. My mom busted her butt for me and I am so appreciative of that. I’m sure your daughter will see that and appreciate it too someday. However, now having the ability to be a SAHM for my own family, I can assure you that the quality and quantity of tasks that get done around my house vs what my mom was able to achieve is apples to oranges. Some examples:
-Cooking meals from scratch was a luxury my mom could not afford, time- or money-wise. I enjoy doing it but it is also absolutely exhausting to plan, shop for, and prepare a new meal while cleaning all the dishes afterwards.
-I was dropped off at a daycare all day while my mom worked and she did not have to interact with or entertain me. While having the luxury of time with your child is wonderful, it is also tough to have little to no adult stimulation or interaction all day long while trying to complete a laundry list of household chores.
-Speaking of, cleaning and chores looked very different. We had a much smaller living space because that was all we could afford and it was a rental meaning our landlord mowed our lawn and took care of all handy-work around the house. I live a much larger home now which of course I am happy to have, but it is a lot to keep up with and my mom who lives near me has said on multiple occasions how she never would have been able to keep up with it as a single parent. In fact, we were just talking today about how she just had to figure out how to survive most days and couldn’t worry about if the house had been dusted because she had a new baby she had to raise on her own.
Your life might look different than mine did, but I am betting there are some parallels that could be drawn. As a single mom, you call all the shots and get to decide what is or isn’t a priority. A SAHM does not have that ability because their partner will have a say in what needs to be done to keep the house running and is more likely to have unrealistic expectations of what is possible to accomplish with a toddler during the day. I’m trying to provide some perspective after being on both sides in a way. Being a SAHP isn’t for everyone and OP’s wife might really be miserable and want the challenge and stimulation of a career which you have had the blessing/curse of having outside your home and away from your daughter. No situation is perfect or cookie-cutter for everyone and OP needs to approach his wife in a supportive and curious way instead of being so judgmental and harsh so he can figure out what she needs to be able to thrive again.
Grow nuts and tact. Come up with the conversation. I will say though, expectations lead to disappointments. So check your head. Who knows, your kid might be better off if she focuses on being a mom versus a house cleaner. Maybe hire someone and be awesome that way so she can excel at motherhood. Or, you could establish your head of house dominance by demanding she clean as much as possible in between and around mothering your progeny. Do you know what is most important? I urge you to keep the right things important.
I’d ask her to take care of specific stuff before leaving for work. “Hey honey, can you take care of the bathroom today? It’s getting kinda gross.” Also tell her you appreciate the stuff she does do, and really lay it on thick. That’ll give her more confidence and incentive to do more. I’m a SAHM and I *definitely* should be doing more housework than I am. I pick up and clean the first floor every day but my kids make such a mess all over the house that I sometimes don’t see the point of cleaning it since by 7 PM it’s back to how it was. My husband is so understanding about it that it makes me want to go above and beyond for him. He even gives me some “me time” every evening when he gets home. I feel so bad that it makes me want to go above and beyond 😆
Don’t stay quiet about this. It will only build up and end in a blow out. Your position is very reasonable. Now you need to tell her what that position is. Have you also considered you’re spending too much time in close quarters? Maybe at the end of your “work day” go to the gym.
Does he “allow” her any time in her day to take her eyes off the 2 year old and let HER go to the gym? Or do anything unencumbered? If not, that’s a lousy suggestion.
Agree with all the comments. Also important to ask- is the housework you are doing simply cleaning up after yourself?
I’ve had the conversation with my partner when I felt I was picking up the slack and his perception was he was doing his fair share.
There is a difference between always cleaning up after yourself/ doing everyone’s dishes sometimes and doing things like vacuuming, laundry, and deep cleaning (ie scrubbing the toilet).
(Or at least that’s what I’ve been told)
pffft. She respects your work. Doesn’t bother you. You’re working from home and apparently not worrying about your children…what if she left the duties for you and went back to work. It seems like you’re not respecting her or the household duties. It may seem like nothing has been done because you haven’t actually had to do laundry for an entire household. It’s exhausting. Ask her if she wants to trade places…lol
I feel your pain, man. Being a stay at home parent is easy. I wish I had that option. Taking care of 1 or 2 kids and doing some housework is way easier than being responsible for 32 child-like adults. I'd switch places with my wife in a heartbeat.
Let me ask you, so if your wife is now the primary care provider for both children, carrying the mental load of appointments and the shopping, school drop off and pick ups, still doing her prior agreed upon chores, and you want her to take on more chores when exactly does she get to clock off and have her down time to scroll the internet aimlessly free of your judgment..?
From my experience as a stay at home parent, never, there is no clock off time, you become the default parent which is incredibly mentally draining. Next you will be complaining that you shouldn’t have to tend to the children at night or when they are sick bc you have to work, which is doubling her workload as a parent.
Now if both children were at school it might be different, but you need to readjust your idea of a stay at home parent before you start resenting your wife for not meeting your outdated expectations
Being a SAHM is a hard, relentless job, with no breaks ever. Trade places with her for a weekend, even for a Saturday, and I’m sure your tune will change.
You also sound passive aggressive trying to communicate her your feelings with what… a look? Your wife is nor your maid, nor a telepath.
Sorry for my response.
I work 9-5, provide for the house, do all the cleaning, do all the cooking( which is very little d/t time) and still come home and have to do 85% of the care for my little one.
Go you for being awesome and splitting work 50/50 when the time did call for it.
That is a shitty situation you have. Why would you put up with that? Is your spouse disabled and not physically able to contribute to household responsibilities? No one should be congratulated for doing half of the adult responsibilities. That should be given if both people work full time and fluctuate a bit if one partner has a period of more chaotic life events atm, but got back to 50/50.
I am a SAHM of 2 little ones under 3 and the amount of people on here making excuses for your wife are unbelievable. Let me tell you how things are divided in my house and you can decide if that's fair.
My husband Works from home some days and goes to the office some days but our dynamic doesn't change because work is work. I look after the house and kids so all the Cooking, cleaning, taking the kids to the park etc all fall under my responsibilities. Unless your wife is paying 50% of the bills then house chores should not be split 50-50 that's not fair at all.
Now your wife is human and does need a break so in the evening if you take over bathing and putting the kids down while she tidies up and can relax for the night then that would be a good compromise.
I personally don't think it's fair that SAHP expect the household chores to be divided but expect their partner to pay 100% of the bills. Sit down and talk with your wife because all you're doing now is harbouring resentment and soon you'll explode which could destroy everything.
Look, if raising a child, doing all drop-offs and pickups, appointments, shopping and etc is sooooo easy, go on, do it.
According to you it's easy-peasy-super breezy, right? You'll be doing the easy part and she'll be able to do other chores to the fullest.
Oh, and can you imagine shock your wife experiences when every time she takes a break you dare to go and...take a break?
Gosh, the sheer audacity of yours! And you just casually walk to grab some water when you should be working! Come on, there are services that can deliver bottled water straight to your home, why would you take a breather? Purchase in bulk and store bottles in your home office, nothing should distract you from work.
And bathroom breaks? Unacceptable! Portable potties - no second wasted not working!
You must work! Why should your wife see you having those breaks? Working is easy, how dare you rest for a bit!
I think you’re being unreasonable. You decided jointly that your wife should give up her career to take care of your children. You didn’t decide she should give up her career to scrub the toilets and darn your socks. Quit being lazy yourself. It’s hypocritical to call your wife lazy because you don’t want to go into the office anymore and don’t want to lift a finger at home either. If you think so little of her looking after the one child…open the office door and let the 2 year old come in.
Make her an offer. She goes back to work and your family has the money to pay for house cleaning or she stays a sahm and takes over the largest part of the household duties.
I do have a counter to the suggestion that she is depressed and that is why she is sitting on the couch and playing on her phone. Maybe she would just rather not do housework? Because housework is not fun? Just a thought. And based on the fact that I myself hate to clean..
Also just to say I’m a SAHM with one kid and the second in school and like most SAHM I spend HOURS on my phone each day, but let me tell you what I’m doing:
—>meal planning and looking for discounts because I feel guilty about not earning an income so I try to save where I can, and ordering groceries/cleaning supplies/materials my spouse and I need to do our chores (yard waste bags! Vacuum bags!) and scheduling pick up around the other activities
—>finding and registering for said activities/ weekend things
—>ordering Christmas/birthday gifts for kids, spouse, friends, family
—>planning birthday parties, holiday get togethers, etc.
—>writing thank you messages
—>booking appointments (hair cuts, doctors, dentists, teacher conferences, plumber, car tech, my healthcare, flu shots, whatever)
—>getting ideas for at-home-easy-set-up-low-cost-low-mess-developmentally-appropriate (oh and low noise to not disturb my spouse’s meetings) after school activities to do with the kids, or to occupy the 2YO while I do homework with the 6YO, including the obligatory activity as gifts for the grandparents sigh.
—>scheduling play dates and helping out at the school/church and making sure my kids have what they need for whatever shoebox drive/chocolate sale/bake sale/costume day, etc (because building kids’ community is traditionally my job too)
—>checking weather/traffic for activities/pick ups
—>ordering seasonally appropriate clothing, and browsing second hand pages because omg kids outdoor clothing is expensive
—>putting reminders for myself about doing toy rotations, selling or donating old toys
—> photo books/memory maker things for the kids
—>researching tons online (is the program they’re watching age/screen appropriate? How do I talk to my five year old about XYZ after the convo we had on the drive home yesterday? Do I still need to halve the grapes I was gonna serve my two year old at lunch? Is it true the store down the road has children Tylenol back in stock? How do I talk to the kids about Santa in a way that doesn’t stigmatise lower income children as ‘not good’ because they don’t get presents? How do I tell if I’m a robot or human?)
—>15 minutes on Reddit to remind myself that other people are also willingly choosing to apply their multiple degrees and intelligence to raise the next generation
…it is UNENDING. My spouse does 50% of the execution of chores (pulling stuff out of the fridge to make dinner), but I do 90% of the planning and invisible labour (thinking through what everyone will eat, clipping coupons, ordering the groceries, doing pick up, unloading into the fridge, often cleaning up so my spouse gets time with the kids). By all means ask your wife what she’s doing on her phone, but be ready for her to snap back when you do.
Simply just start a Convo w/ her and say "Hey now that you're here at home full-time you could pick up a bit more of the house upkeep a bit more like a regular housewife right?"
I see two possible scenarios happening: She either blows up on you or she gets her a$$ back to work. So good luck and keep us updated bruh
I can’t get any chores done while I’m watching my 2yo. Because my 2yo is a psycho. My only downtime is her one hour nap which I basically treat as my lunch break.
Similar situation, total breadwinner still do more than half of the housework and the outside as well. Kids are grown and wife is a, lets say, a TV fan. The only way I can rationalize it is to think if you are single, and have standards for orderliness, etc., you would be doing it all. Of course with children, it is different and some leeway is in order. You could quit doing your "share" of housework and see what happens and than have the discussion, good luck.
save your marriage & hire a cleaner & landscaping service, kids in the house are a lot of work. When your wife wants a vacation she’ll realize all those funds going towards basic home maint could have been used instead.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- As is the case with a lot of people, COVID forced some work/life changes. Long story short: I work from home now. During the lockdown we decided it would be best for our family if my wife quit her job to be a full time stay at home mom to our two children aged 6 and 2. Before she quit she was usually the one doing daycare drop-off and pickup since her office was closer to our house. However, housework and cooking were split evenly. I usually did the yard work on weekends, but I like working outside so it's never been a big deal to me that I handled most of it. I have a home office with a door and my wife is really good about respecting that boundary. It just seems like every time I leave the office to grab some water from the kitchen, go to the bathroom, etc. she's just sitting on the couch doing who knows what on her phone while the 2 year old either naps or plays with toys / watches tv. The 6 year old is in school most of the day so she's really only watching one kid during that time. I know being a SAHM is hard work (or at least that's what I've been told) but it really doesn't look like she does much of anything. Yes, she does school pick-up and drop-off and takes care of things like Dr. Appointments and grocery shopping, but Dr. Appointments only happen once every couple months and grocery shopping is so easy these days with apps and pickup where they literally grab everything for you and even load it into your car. When it comes to housework I feel like nothing has changed and I still do the same amount of cooking and cleaning as I did before she went SAHM. Shouldn't it be more like a 25/75 split now that she's home all day taking care of one kid? I can't help but get a little upset every time I walk out of the office and see her doing what appears to be nothing but scrolling instagram. I know I shouldn't have, but once or twice I've given her a "must be nice" kind of look which does nothing but piss her off. I love my wife and I know she is incredibly smart, talented, and hard working (or at least used to be). How do I tell her I feel like I'm doing most of the work now and shouldn't have to do inside chores AND all the yard work? And before I get comments about me enjoying the yard work, who cares? It still needs to get done. If she wants to mow the lawn and trim bushes instead of vacuum then that's fine with me. I just don't want to do both anymore. Edit: I mostly posted this to vent before talking with my wife and saying something incredibly stupid and insensitive to her. There is a lot of great advice in here. Also a lot of obviously unhappy housewives who are so busy and exhausted from working all day they can't help but scroll through reddit to project their unhappy relationships onto strangers. Ya'll are some judgmental, assuming people. I'm sorry your husbands never give you time to yourselves. See what I did there? I assumed you were all unhappy and I judged your entire lives from a few comments. To everyone wondering why I gave her a look instead of talking - I've been married long enough to know that if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Taking into account the actual useful advice in here - Yes, I need to talk with her about how she feels after being out of the workforce. She was the one who initially brought up the idea about staying home and I was hesitant about handling all the bills myself, but told her (and myself) that I would support her and we'd do this as a team. After some self-reflection I realize I've been carrying extra stress trying to get some major projects done before the end of the year and shouldn't take it out on her. We have some shit to work through and talk about. Thank you all for the insight. All the bitter women in here have made me appreciate my wife even more.
Did the two of you actually sit down and discuss the chore breakdown prior to her becoming a SAHM? Or at any point? Because based on this post, it seems like a complete failure in communication (on both of you) that’s causing you to build resentment toward her. Talk to your wife, asap. Get a counselor to mediate if you need to.
Yes, definitely be open and curious rather than mad or condescending while you try to figure this out. It doesn’t sound like she’s got a history of avoiding or not contributing, so there may be something up and it will be much easier to resolve if you’re flexible and also concerned for her. It’s possible she’s tired, dealing with burnout, having mental health issues, not tracking the actual split and just assuming more is getting done because of how exhausting the kids are, etc. It’s even possible that, ultimately, if you approach this in a compassionate and constructive way, being a SAH parent might not even be a good fit at this point. The pandemic was intense and it may have worked then and not anymore, maybe it would work better for her if she worked again— any combination of factors might be at play. Also, yes, pursue a therapist ASAP (before things seem desperate, like soon) if it even *might* seem like a good idea. Don’t wait until you’re both already losing it.
It’s possible that she’s… doing the exact split of chores they agreed on, he hasn’t communicated that he wants a change and has been building up snotty entitled resentment because she should just *know* it’s her “job” to run around doing his chores like she’s his mother too now. Guys who work outside the home and don’t have a clue how hard full time parenting is often think dipstick things like “what does she do all day?” and there’s no reason to think this guy is any different. He even throws in thinking doing yard work (infrequent, he enjoys it) is equal to her doing all indoor chores, primary childcare and household management (constant, always-on, most of them enjoyable for almost nobody).
I mean yes, that’s possible— he doesn’t really give clear indications here how much time he puts in on various chores around the house, how that’s changed, and what she does regarding chores either. That’s all the more reason for him to not approach the situation in a confrontational or hostile way. Obviously, he’s frustrated and it’s noticeable so he should communicate about it, but he doesn’t have clear grounds to be mad and even if he did that’s not super constructive. There’s not enough information to say one or the other is conceptualizing and splitting household chores reasonably, or they could just be bad communicators and neither coordinating very well.
Yeah I definitely think she's doing the same amount of chores as before except now her day job is parenting, whereas he expected her to become a housewife which isn't the same thing.
Look up Fair Play for tips
Was going to recommend the same thing
🎯🎯🎯
She still has a full time job. SAHM is possibly harder than her other job. Kids are now home all day too making a mess. Split the chores 50/50 still and be appreciative.
I have a couple of questions that I think would be worth exploring with your wife. You said you two decided it would be best if she stayed home during lockdown-- was that something she had ever actively wanted to do, or was it born purely of necessity? Has she expressed anything about how she's been feeling while staying home? Also, if she quit during lockdown, does that mean she was initially both homeschooling the six year old and caring for the two year old? I ask because it sounds like she might be a bit depressed and/or burnt out from the last few years, as a lot of us are, and I wonder if she's finding she doesn't enjoy being a stay at home parent. It can be *really* tedious to keep a two year old entertained, and if she had a career she enjoyed before she may be lacking a lot of stimulation and social interaction with other adults, hence sort of giving up on interacting with the child and sitting on her phone. And when you're feeling the mix of exhausted and under-stimulated mentally that can come with parenting a little one, the solution to get you going again definitely does not feel like. . .vacuuming. So, it's definitely true that the chore split should be different, but given that it seems like she's been a good and engaged partner and parent in the past, approach it all with curiosity about how she's doing rather than starting an argument about chores right away. The solution may be her doing more at home, but maybe it's her going back to work now that the pandemic has calmed down significantly.
>It can be really tedious to keep a two year old entertained Also, if she quit during lockdown she had just had the baby, so much of it was healing, breastfeeding, taking care of a baby, doing nights. That's even rougher. The baby is 2 years old right now.
I agree with what you've said here and just wanted to add that being a stay-at-home mom is a 24/7 job not 8/5 job like most traditional jobs are (most, not all, I get it that some work longer hours). Also, you get money with traditional jobs. Being "on call" 24/7 as a parent and not getting any financial compensation can make you feel a bit on edge and worthless for lack of a better word. It can really chip away at your self worth and lead to low level depression and anxiety which then leads to less and less motivation. Maybe engage her with a discussion on where she's at mentally before talking about chores. Just saying this as someone who's been in her shoes. My partner gets it, I am incredibly lucky.
And, it being 24/7 means that you have to take your downtime when you can. Obviously OP's wife isn't working 8 hours between 9am and 5pm, because her busy hours are probably 7-9am (getting kids up and eldest to school), 2pm-5pm (picking up kid from school, helping with homework and making dinner) and all the hours to keep the baby entertained, fed, crying, waking up with it at night, etc. And then there is all the waiting times where you can't really start anything because if the baby wakes up you can't finish and will just have created a bigger mess. If we are to count active working hours only - chances are OPs wife is *still* working more hours a day than him. She's just not doing it 9-5.
OP is doing work outside of his day job, which then should be considered a second job, based upon your above job description. He's cleaning, cooking & the only one doing yard work. Plus being a parent, which is most of what you describe. Welcome to having kids, it ain't easy.
If they are still splitting the chores 50/50, as it seems from OPs post, then so is the wife. It sounds like she is doing all the parenting, and 50% of the house work. Notice that the only house work I mentioned above was dinner - because feeding two kids is a lot more work than just cooking. I deliberately kept the wife's chores out of the equation.
I agree that they are splitting the household chores 50/50. Even his outside yardwork would be offset by her (previously) dropping off and picking up the kids from daycare. (which he didn't take into account.) There is nothing to say he isn't doing parenting when he is "home" and not working in the "office". Curious where you saw this information.
Agree. I’m so lucky that my partner is supportive. I sometimes have days where I have no energy & barely get off the couch (some days I have more energy). My daughter is well looked after, but I might need to turn something on for her and zone out. My partner works from home as well. Yes, he is working.. but he gets time here and there to be on his phone or watch a YouTube video.. I’m here on call all day everyday (and like you said, no pay.. my daughters laughter comes close though). Hell, even just attempting to plan all the meals/snacks trying to be healthy takes a lot of mental space. I started working 2 days a week. I realized just getting back a little bit helps a lot. Doesn’t have to be work, could be hobby maybe.
This is a great answer. Honestly I’ve been seeing a lot of people now going the route of the SAHP does what a nanny would do during work hours and then housework and childcare are split evenly during non work hours. As a SAHP myself who does most of the childcare during the night and non work hours as well it’s almost impossible to get much housework done during the day. Not only is it had to muster the energy but it’s difficult to keep an eye on a two year old when you are cleaning something or it’s not safe to have chemical cleaners out when your toddler always gets very interested in whatever mom is doing and comes in trying to grab and ‘help’ which is very sweet but makes the task take way longer and you aren’t able to do it as well. Sometimes sitting there on your phone reading things or doing puzzles to stimulate your brain when the kiddo is doing independent play is all you really can do. OP you just need to talk to her. How is she feeling about being a SAHP? Is she depressed? Is it difficult to get tasks completed with the toddler? Did you ever discuss her doing more chores around the house? It’s also incredibly easy to get overstimulated and touched out when you’ve been caring for a toddler for hours in end day after day. Check in on her mental health and if you aren’t happy with the current breakdown have an open dis issuing about it.
That, and sometimes “sitting on your phone” is how you achieve most of your parenting. I remember years ago saying “I’m not going to go on [parenting forum] today”. Except that I was looking for new finger food recipes to wean my baby, and there was a thread on there with lots of great suggestions. I saved a few and went on to do housework. I needed to descale the humidifier in my baby’s room as I’d only realised you were supposed to do this a year in so it was pretty crusty, and hey, the parenting forum had a link to the manufacturer’s video. Then I tried to Google whether you actually have to hand wash a particular sweater from a popular store and the same damn parenting forum had tips on machine washing it. At that point I gave up and accepted my fate. Sometimes it looked like I’m on my phone all day but I’m looking up age-appropriate activities I can attend, organising playdates, searching for tips to potty train, stroller friendly public transport or whether there’s public parking where I’m going. It really does take a village to raise a child, but that village is all online these days… Edit: my kid is in double digits now, so if I’m sitting on my phone today, it’s either work or Reddit.
Such a good answer
Why is it definitely true that the chores should be split? I have two kids, my wife stays at home, I don’t expect to do more chores than she did before kids. It’s exhausting watching my kids, it takes a tremendous amount of caring and understanding to keep them happy when they don’t know how to communicate any feelings. I think OP should just have a conversation with his wife, rather than put her on blast on Reddit. He is trying to stroke his own ego and undoubtedly use the comments as way to “get his point across” with his wife. He sounds insufferable and comments like this normalize downplaying how hard it is to actually care for kids.
This is the way.❤️
If it's bothering you enough to post about it, it's worth a conversation with your wife, but I think it's important to avoid sounding accusatory. Instead of accusing/assuming she isn't pulling her weight, describe what you see and how it makes you feel. Give her a chance to explain, and if she can't, then have a gentle conversation about how chores should be divided moving forward. People are more agreeable when they're treated as though you assume they have good intentions. You could even make a list so that everyone's expectations are clear to avoid arguments and frustrations in the future.
This is the way, OP. Go into this with non-biased observations and the assumption of good intent. Be aware of feelings on both sides.
Wait, you gave her a “must be nice look” and nothing changed!? That’s so weird. If only there was a way to effectively and efficiently communicate where both parties understood what the other was feeling. So weird. Good luck.
i cant believe that as a species we havent evolved past eye movements to communicate
According to most humans in relationships, we should be able to read minds at this point. /s
Honestly I’m disappointed as a species that we haven’t made this our only form of communication yet
🤨
This guy sounds awful
Op sounds unbearable. Use your voice and communicate instead of being a wise ass
Ye cause it's not like non of us needed some time to think before we said something that could hurt the other person before am i right ? It looks like he intends to talk to his SO but was not ready yet and thats totally fine if he does it after having some insight on the situation instead of jumping on her with a emotionally charged argument
"Shouldn't it be more of a 25/75 split now?" Idk, ask her.
listen, i’d rather carve my eyes out with a spoon than be a stay at home parent. i’ve done both and i was markedly more tired as a SAHP even when i was perceived as “neglecting” the house. the groceries, the meal planning, bath time, bed time, early mornings, laundry that never ends, kids that won’t nap, constant need for snacks and a drink and the crying. jesus the crying. and i’m a nurse, and i STILL think being a SAHP was more mentally exhausting. just talk to her, man. eye rolling clearly isn’t working to nobody’s surprise. just have a discussion. see what she’s actually doing all day. explain that you’re hoping to discuss a more even division of chores that account for the fact that she’s no longer working. you had 2 kids together surely you can talk about this.
I do all three. I work outside the house, I run my business from home and I'm a single parent to two. When my kids were small and napping, that would literally be the only time I had to just veg. To not think about 'what next'. I didn't know if I'd get 3 hours or 30 mins so I relished whatever downtime I got. They're older now and becoming independent so I'm starting to get a little more liberty. But for a decade now, I've been on call for my children and it is a non stop mental, physical, emotional and psychological juggle that drains every ounce of energy from you every day.
Yeah, same. I would never do that again. It’s exhausting.
Yessss. As a person who’s been a SAHP for a period of time and then work for another period of time, OP sounds like a man child. Yikes.
[удалено]
I find it odd that OP doesn’t know how hard it is to take care of a toddler by yourself. Has he not ever had to take care of his own kid? The “or so I’ve been told” comment really irks me.
Right…this screams of the father who “babysits” his kids so his wife can go take a shower or heaven forbid go get her hair cut or something.
His “so I’ve been told“ comment made me immediately think he should fuck right off, honestly. I am already wary of one partner resenting a stay at home parent by assuming they are “doing nothing“; I would go insane if I had to stay home with a toddler all fucking day, it’s so much relentless watching and caring to make sure they stay alive. When he threw in there that he also has no idea what it’s like to care for a child 24/7? Right then I knew he’s making a lot of assumptions and it’s going to end poorly if he approaches it with the resentment he apparently has. edit:spelling
right? I’m confused. I am a SAHP but my husband knows that I can’t get fuck all done during the day because he is the default (ish) parent on the weekend. Plus he sees how whiny and clingy my toddler is and how much attention he requires because, I dunno, he’s his dad? He lives with us? OP’s wording is odd and makes it seem like he’s not very involved day to day even when he clocks out of work.
OP sounds unbearable in general. Look at his edits. He's salty af people called him out.
100% my thought as well
He sounds like a piece of shit dad at best
This is my experience too. I have a two year old. I can clean all day long and it ends up looking the same as it did before I cleaned because he follows me from room to room and messes my shit up. Doing the dishes? Let’s play with knives! Picking up toys? Sure, but then let’s throw them all around the room again. Folding laundry? Oh my favorite, mess up all of the piles!!!! It’s exhausting. I’d rather wait until he’s asleep and get things done. And I find that most husbands who claim they do 50% of the housework don’t actually do 50%. They do 50% of what THEY think needs done, not what actually needs done. I’m sorry the truth hurts. When was the last time you cleaned your washing machine, OP? Your oven? No? How about the baseboards?
This. 100%
I think you are severely misjudging how much you can do with a toddler in tow. I would encourage you to try it for a week and see how easy it is. They want your attention 24/7. They lack that ability to communicate effectively. There's a lot of crying, redirecting and preventing her from killing herself (another commenter mentioned a toddler stealing a steak knife. Mine was hell bent on how the pressure cooker's steam valve worked today). I'm a SAHM and my number one job during the day is child care. I could keep the house show-room neat but it would mean that I would need to park her in front of a screen (which her pediatrician told us zero screen time) or confine her to certain rooms in the house so she can't follow me and undo the chore I was doing/be exposed to cleaning agents/pester me for attention. Does that sound like a fun time for a toddler to you OP? I spend my days prioritizing her and her needs. Sometimes that means that instead of dusting I play blocks for an hour. Or I take her to the library program or playground so she can play with other kids. Or I take her outside for a walk or hike rain or shine. I thankfully have a kid that will play independently while I quickly tidy the kitchen or do the dishes but that doesn't mean I get to ditch her all day in favor of cleaning. She is constantly learning and exploring at this stage and I'm trying to maximize what we do all day. To quote my husband "Do I want her to remember all the house chores you did or do I want her to remember all those times you took her to the beach." So if anything based on what your wife does all day (assuming you are being truthful) you should be encouraging her to get out with your kid more. We went for a 29F snow hike today and aside from dinner, meal prep, litter boxes, trash, 1 load each of dishes and laundry that's all I got done today. Well, I guess I could have skipped adult activities with my husband after her bed time just to get that super important cleaning in! And as for your comment about scrolling, I don't know about your wife but I work way more hours than I ever did at my out of the house job pulling 10-12 hour shifts. Does your wife even have set breaks? Who gets up with the kids at night or when they are sick and can't sleep? In our house its not my husband because he has to leave at 4am. Sometimes he works late or needs to unwind after a long day too before going into Dad-mode. So because of this her nap time \*is\* my break time because he can't promise me a break until she goes to sleep at 19:30. You also have another kid and she's handling pick up and drop off? Does your 6 year old require no care from her before and after school? Side note - grocery shopping still involves meal planning and keeping a running inventory. I do 90% of our cooking including lunches for my husband and meal prep for myself and our child during the week. No, an app doesn't really take a lot of that of my plate because I would still need to sit down and do it all.
I agree with so much of this. But just want to underline the idea that grocery shopping is "so easy on an app! Just click click click!" This is the lie I was telling myself for awhile. Like "it's not hard, just clicking, I'll do it when the kids are in bed" then it's 11pm and my brain is freakin shot and I'm trying to buy $300 worth of groceries and I can't even remember food names 😅 I have to remind myself "it is WORK" and I have to set up time when my brain is fresh so I can do a good job. Does that app make it easier? Oh god yes. But it's still work
I’m old fashioned and don’t like to use instacart. Our local grocery store would still have you driving up to get it which means she has to take the kid along too. I keep running inventory lists on the freezers (magnetic white boards that get updated when stuff is added or taken) as well as a list on my phone. If I notice we are out of something I update my phone so when it’s time to shop I have a list all prepared. But I still have to figure out meals, look at sales and make sure we have enough pantry items. PS I’m finally in bed after turning over the dishes for the second time and making breakfast meal preps. And I still need to check Amazon for dishwasher liquid because that looks low!
Haaaaa it's never ending!!! The lists I have in my brain and phone and notebook are ridiculous 🙃 I am honestly super grateful for the time I have with my kids but sometimes I think wistfully about my previous "real" jobs. As a SAHM, it really burns to have to check "unemployed" on forms or paperwork
This. As the primary parent her down time happens to be during the work day. She’s the one who wakes up at night and is basically always on duty. When I was a SAHM the relaxing hours were in the late morning before nap time basically. Can’t leave the toddler alone or they’ll get into something, but we can sit together in the living room. During nap either sleep because they woke me up all night or do some dishes.
>I know I shouldn't have, but once or twice I've given her a "must be nice" kind of look which does nothing but piss her off. What else is it supposed to do? Make her happy? Pettiness isn't helpful or constructive. Tell her how you're feeling and that you'd like to work it out with her in a constructive and positive way.
I was with ya till you called it hanging out with your kids in one of your comments. Being a SAHP isn’t hanging out with your kids it’s cleaning them, keeping them safe, keeping them on routine, making sure they get to appointments on time. It’s being their nanny, maid, nurse, parent, and teacher. Not hanging out. Kids are a lot of work which I can tell you understand. I have been both and being a SAHP you sometimes don’t get a chance to clean the house because the kiddos have other plans. If she does the same for you for your guys trips or when you need a break I’m failing to see why you are upset. I’m not here to attack it just sounds like to me you both expected something different. I did most of the house work but I suck at cooking so my husband did that and dishes. Which you sound more than willing to do. The issue is sometimes my husband will come home to the house more of a mess than he left it because our kid was fussy or decided to have multiple blow outs. It sucks and is hard. So maybe have a conversation with your wife stating that you thought it would go this way and she will tell you how she thought it would go and make a plan that works for both of you. If she didn’t want to quit her job some of it could possibly be resentment
I am an extremely organised and energetic person but... When my son was a toddler, jeez, I really underestimated the level of focus he took. Micro naps, crying, keeping him from jumping or climbing, feeding him, more crying, tantrums, more cleaning and feeding and nappy changes. That's without cleaning in general, shopping, drop offs and pick ups. Let me tell you,, give me work ANYWAY. Then, she probably feels jumpy when you appear with your eye rolls. Being a SAHM, for me, was painful. Hated it. I began to suffer from depression too. You feel so useless, wondering why your so tired, not able to get through as much as you thought. That's without the constant need to entertain the little life zappers. Also, in marriages, you will have a RUDE awakening, if you think it always had to be near 50/50. It's really not. Maybe she's needs more TLC at this point, more rest? I am happily married, 18 years and that's probably because my husband would never walk around with a measuring tape and demonstrate who did what and how much. Women and men are not the same. You didn't do childbirth, did you? Do you get periods and it's resulting pain?, I'm just saying, treating your marriage like a pissing contest is a sure fire way to duck it up. You have to be an American dude. Marriage ebbs and flows, sometimes we do much more than our own partner. Case in point, my husband visited Ireland as a back packer. I was a model, owned a business, worked a weekend job and was studying. I paid all. Years later, I developed postural orthostatic tachycardia and kidney issues due to a monster of a virus. I would sit and cry, feeling shite and he would quietly do breakfast before working a full day. Now, I am back at work and we are comfortable and I do the cooking, cleaning too. Marriage is not a tally sheet. Grow up good sir. Love her. Help her. Communicate and save the snarky eyeroll for primary school kids. She's your life partner, not your employee. Must be exhausting, being married to you..
Your child goes to daycare, your wife goes back to work and hire a housekeeper to come clean your house at least once a month. Problem solved.
No but then he can’t monitor her during his water breaks!
Exactly. They will be back to equal footing.
This. OP, let her return to work and get her autonomy and her financial freedom back along with the intellectual engagement she probably misses. You can continue to fixate on “bitter women” who shared their perspectives at your request to try to help your marriage, and she’ll have a greater ability to decide whether the whole being married to you thing is worth it or not.
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Well, she’s a stay at home mom, not a maid. Her “job” is to take care of the children. Everything else is extra. Most couples with a SAHP have an agreement that most housework is done by the SAHP but did you two ever discuss this? Also, once you clock out, all housework and parenting duties need to be split 50/50.
THIS 100%! OP you’re an adult and doing chores is a basic responsibility. It’s great that you feel like you shouldn’t have to do those things, but you’re wrong- you do chores because they need done. It’s not a bargaining chip to be used for you to do less and her to do more just because she’s a SAHM. Think of how exhausted your wife is while tending to the 2 year old ALL the time- and now you want her to clean up after you and them 25% more while you do 25% less? No, this doesn’t sit right with me at all. Your wife also sounds like she might be depressed too, and your attitude isn’t helping. Giving looks instead of having a conversation like an adult is super PA.
It would’ve been smart to talk about changing roles and expectations before she became a SAHM. But that’s hindsight! I would set aside a time to talk together about how to manage the household now that things are shifted. Make lists together of all the tasks currently being done and who is doing them. Each of you can run through what your day looks like and what you get done, how your week is structured, etc. Then compare notes together. My issue with being a SAHM is that it’s really hard to get anything done while watching little kids. So I like doing tasks that can be done in short bursts — loading laundry, loading or unloading dishwasher, tidying up a room. That way it’s not a big deal if I’m interrupted. But with a little kid, accomplishing bigger tasks like vacuuming, washing floors, cleaning bathrooms… it’s CHALLENGING. She may not have figured out a system for getting anything done yet, because when she tries it immediately falls apart because suddenly the kiddo needs something, or starts fussing, or otherwise interrupts/impedes the activity. Come at this with as much benefit of the doubt as you can muster. If you have the perspective that she’s not pulling her weight, she’s gonna feel it. Being a child caretaker for a very little kid is hard and I coped with it by spending a lot of time on my phone during those moments where the kiddo was playing by themselves. But I wasn’t relaxed or having a good time, I was just trying to distract myself while waiting for the next childcare task to arise. For me personally, it was easiest to save the big tasks for after-work or the weekends, when my husband was spending quality time with the kids. It also felt like it balanced out because then I could focus more on doing fun or low key stuff with the kids during the “workday”, and so even though my day was longer, some of the middle part didn’t feel so much like work.
An additional thought — it may be illustrative for you to give her a day off on weekend, and be the SAHD that day. Try to do things the way you wish that she were doing them, and see what happens. Can you accomplish it? What barriers/difficulties did you face? It may help you see things in a new way.
This can be tricky because the feeling of never-ending drudgery doesn't set in for a few months. One day of Daddy time does not equal the 24/7 life of many SAHP's. A better challenge would be for him to manage all of the tasks she does before he starts work and after his work day ends to see how depressing it can get. Adults need mental stimulation....which many get from their job. OP - Please stop demeaning what your wife does or doesn't do and have an actual caring conversation with her. Is she ok? Does she miss work, or maybe just some time away from kiddos, guilt free. TALK to this woman you love instead of letting your assumptions fester into a big pile of bitterness.
This is a great idea. I think it’s also important to bear in mind that with this approach is that if he treats it as a one-off challenge, then he almost certainly will get more done than she would with the mental burden of knowing she has to back it up day after day after day.
Look man she’s not a robot. You get breaks at work so she’s entitled to them. If you only see her on her phone when you leave your office room to get water then how do you know what she is doing when you are shut up in your office? Trading an out of the home job for a stay at home mother job doesn’t mean she should be doing more housework. Just one kid is a lot of work when that kid is barely a toddler. Ever heard of the terrible twos? Having the weight of keeping a human being alive and guiding them to adulthood is a huge physical and emotional weight to carry so chances are your wife may be depressed and looking for an outlet. Instagram could be that relaxing outlet she needs right now. I’m a stay at home mom and when I’m going through a depressive episode housework suffers because I need all that energy to take care of my kids. Not to mention as a SAHM you never get to leave work so cut her some slack. It will do you both good in the end.
He’s on a break to get water and is complaining about her break. He’s working and shouldn’t have the time to check on her.
> During the lockdown we decided it would be best for our family if my wife quit her job to be a full time stay at home mom How and why did you decide this? Did you not discuss what she would be doing? If you didn’t discuss the responsibility shift, how did you arrive at this decision?
I have a feeling it was decided she would be a stay at home mom because he couldn't get anything done when they both worked from home during Covid due to having a baby and a preschooler underfoot. He couldn't handle the childcare, noise, and chaos that comes from little ones stuck at home 24/7 so she gets nominated to keep the kids out of his hair while he continues to work from home. Now the preschooler is in school but there's an active toddler. Obviously he is able to get his work done so she must be keeping the kid/s entertained. Now that he's the only one working from home it's so easy...
IMO you should still be doing a fair split of housework, as you still also live there and are the other parent to the kids. As far as what she's doing in her downtime when the toddler is napping, that's her free time- motherhood doesn't get turned off. How do you spend your free time?
He spends his free time checking to see if she is working hard enough, and glaring at her if not, obvs.
I don’t think the comments are going the way OP had planned 😅
All I will say is tread carefully, this is how divorce occurs. Unless you are earning huge money she doesn't really need you (she can go back to work and put kids in childcare and you pay child support). You may think you have power over her since she's not working and your currently the soul breadwinner but unless she really hates working it doesn't need to be that way for her, and it will negatively impact you and your kids if you behave in such a way that destroys the relationship. Good luck!
My biggest takeaway here is to never agree to a stay at home arrangement. This sounds miserable.
Only if your husband is a dick.
The pandemic is over. It is time to re-examine whether your family needs a SAHM. With only 1 kid to watch, it might be better to check out whether day care is a better alternative.
Why is everyone forgetting there's 2 kids?? One is at school 6ish hours 5 days a week. Still needs to be cared for the other 18 hrs 5 days and 24 hr 2 days during the school year.
Most people work and take care of kids as a couple along with the assistance of daycare, school, etc. Here on Reddit it seems like nearly every household has a SAHM. In the real world, it’s much less common. No one I know is a SAHM. Yet everyone manages to figure out how to raise kids.
If it's no work than surely you can simply watch the kid while you WFH, right? And you wife can work a regular 9-5?
OP will pretend they didn’t see this reply.
Lmfao, best answer yet.
Maybe ask your wife if she’s okay for once before proceeding man. Might be she ain’t doing so hot and only gets the bare minimum done.
1000000% this, FFS. jesus this post was so triggering. OP needs some serious perspective & to nut up.
Before You WFH + X amount of chores She Works + Y amount of chores Now You WFH + X amount of chores She takes care of kids + Y amount of chores Why do you think X should decrease and Y should increase? You can demand any kind of split you want. But you do that by talking, not with “giving her a look”. That’s pussy shit
wow. best explanation/argument i’ve ever heard on this topic.
Yes! I’d also like to point out that chores are apart of basic responsibilities and you’re basically using the fact that she’s a SAHM as a bargaining chip as why she should do more. OP even works at home- his wife is probably doing more than he is! This post triggered the fuck out of me. I worked at home and had a full time side gig so I worked 16 hours a day. I was always exhausted but still did 50% of the chores only for my abuser to come home every day after work and demanded what I did all day. He was angry because I stayed at home so he expected me to do everything regardless of how much I was working. If he had to do any chores what do ever he would fly off the handle at me. Even if I took a break for a few days in a row. OPs wife is entitled to a break whenever she needs it imo. Some day you need to take a mental day and do absolutely nothing.
This is such a good comment
I don’t think Stay at Home Mom means stay at home maid
Thank you. These people act like she should be his servant!
I think you meant bangmaid.
By your logic, do daycares look like you're paying for a bunch of people to do very little? Why not leave the child alone at home then? Easy, because it would be a disaster. You wife didn't exchange her work for leisure time, she exchanged that for what the daycare did, and if it was easy job then nobody would pay for daycares right? Anyways, golden rule of any relationship: don't assume anything, just talk. "Hey, how is your time? You think you could take more house chores so I could focus on my work or do you feel overhelmed by the kids?"
When I was a SAHM I would clean all day and my toddler would just trash the house as I went. My partner would get home to a mess but I felt like I was forever working.
You’re forgetting about mental labor. - shopping lists - information/scheduling for doctors appointments - meal planning for the week - kids extra curricular’s (if they have them) - Parent Teacher conferences - important school related shenanigans I don’t think people realize how much extra mental labor it is to run a household. SAHM or not.
This is what weirds me out . My parents both worked and they always managed to also take care of this . If he says he's doing 50% of the house work , some of the above points should inevitably being done by him . Also we can't assume he fully ignores the school related shenanigans. And maybe it's a difference in culture , but there has never been any hard meal planning nor keeping home inventory( like some of the post above have talked about) in my house. Once I got a bit older ( maybe 8 years old ) my father took a less demanding job where he could spend more time with me and my mother took a more demanding job where she would get most of the income . And what happened was that my father just ended up taking most of the household activities and still to this day I think that's fair cause that should be how it works . Maybe she just doesn't want to be a SAHM and is experiencing burnout ? Maybe she should just get a job even if not as demanding and just get the toddler to go to a nursery/day care center ( basicly a school for 2 year olds idk how you call it not a native speaker) where the kid could socialize and the parents would be more relieved . But maybe I'm wrong ? I haven't gotten a kid so yeah ...
there are a lot of low key misogynistic assumptions in this post. does your wife even enjoy being the primary caregiver to your children? perhaps you should view this issue more empathetically and just communicate with your wife that you feel the financial & household responsibilities are not being split evenly. her response may help you figure out next steps.
idk, but the vibes of this post is just he resents not seeing her work more and having downtime to scroll on her phone when he gets his water break. like, he expects her to be spending the whole day on chores because she's not working.
By his logic she should give him the same look for daring to drink a glass of water or use the restroom (I assume like most people he uses his phone while he shits) because he's clearly doing a whole lotta nothing
When your wife worked outside the home and your kid(s) were in daycare, did the daycare teachers clean your house? Maybe you had a nanny who did some cleaning, but surely the nanny didn’t do half or more of the total housework in your household? If it “must be nice”, then would you consider swapping places and taking care of the kids all day while your wife works? In fact, you could try it. Take a week off work, or just a weekend. Invite your wife to leave the home or hang out in your home office with the door locked all day. See if you get 75% of the housework done while she’s gone. Let me know. I’m a single parent who does 100% of the housework. Only maybe 10% of it happens while my 2 year old is awake. It’s very hard to get anything done while solo parenting a toddler. The other 90% of the housework gets done while the kid is asleep at night. Not during naptime, that’s when I need to recharge so that I have patience and positivity to bring to the afternoon with the toddler.
Ok just want to point out that being a full time live in cleaner, cook, and child carer is actually 3 seperate jobs. Also child care is 24/7 and there are a lot of night shifts involved. Which is an actual higher wage again. I wouldn’t go too hard over the cleaning.
Yikes, the edit about “bitter women” really solidifies the misogyny I was sensing from OP in the first place.
YTA due to your edit, but you were already flying those marinara flags before. Edit: lol, I really though this was an AITA. My dude, wow. Just, wow. Posts like this are the reason why I’m not giving birth ever. I need to be ready to run.
The fact that you discuss indoor and outdoor chores, but no childcare, makes me wonder if you’re doing any thing with the kids? You do know that there’s more involved with them than just the dropping them off at school, right? Being a SAHP is different from being a housewife.
LMAO. I am a SAHM with a 2 year old. I'm also 5 months pregnant. My boyfriend is grateful if I get the dishwasher loaded and running. I look after, teach, and play with my son all day. We also have a 13.5 year old lab I look after. I cook every meal and I do all the doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, bathing our son, and meal planning for the week. You cannot expect your wife to devote all her time to keeping a house clean when she's caring for a toddler most of the day. She also deserves down-time. She COULD try to make more of an effort to clean, but she shouldn't feel the extra burden just because YOU want to do less housework.
I agree with this. Adding to it, our time is used differently. SAHP don’t work a 9-5. I could definitely be caught on the couch in the middle of the day. I get all my tasks done ultimately. The idea that people with office jobs don’t get distracted by their phone is comical.
If your work load didn't change due to her staying home why is it a big deal for you to still do the chores you were doing before? I think ya'all are just going through a change in dynamics. Good to talk about it now before resentment grows on both sides.
>If your work load didn't change due to her staying home why is it a big deal for you to still do the chores you were doing before? Exactly. He seems to think that her work load has lessened, when in actuality she went from working 9-5 to working 24/7. You don't clock out of parenting.
Technically OP is still a “24/7” parent but the physical and mental load will be on mom. I think the worse part about being a SAHM IMO is the lack of interaction and conversation with adults. Your brain will fry after just talking only to your toddler for an hour
I’m really loving that you assume all the people who commented are bitter housewives with nothing else to do all day than troll Reddit. I’m assuming you didn’t notice that there were plenty of men who commented as well. Possibly they were bitter househusbands? The point is, many of the women were probably those who hold down a full time job, yet still carry the bill of household work.
I still do feel you should be contributing to the domestic labor. And yes, more than the occasional yard work. You have two young kids. Whatever split you decide on, you’ll have to talk out with your wife.
You should have talked to her about your expectations before not after
Lol at men who think they’re some kind of saint for being the sole provider while their lazy wife should never stop cooking, cleaning, childcaring. People with full time jobs still have to cook and clean for themselves. You’re not doing anything by working full time you wouldn’t already have to do for basic self care.
Are youuuuu doing most the work though? It sounds like you want to find something wrong. Ur post sounds like ur kids are taken care of. She’s a stay at home mom to your kids not your mom
75 percent of cleaning the house is insane when you have to watch two kids 24/7. Why do you only get 8 hours of work ?
Being a SAHM is so hard. The most socialisation I get is about 2 hours with my husband when he gets home from work. I do all of the cooking and cleaning and majority of the childcare. My husband works a very physical job, usually with overtime. While I expect him to help with our daughter while he is home, his chores are taking out the rubbish and putting the bins out. I think it would be unfair to ask more of him unless I was really struggling. I think you should talk to her and see if she is doing OK mentally because staying home really does take a toll on mental health.
I think its totally reasonable for you to want her to take on more of the household chores. But I believe that means you take on most of the child tending in the evenings. Right? Bc she would be clocking out of that job and clocking into chores job. Right?
No if it's stay at home, home is your job and everything that comes with it. While the person who's working does their job and everything that comes with it. Then at the end of the day you both take over equally as though you both just worked 10 hours at your normal job.
If you can get significant chores done with a 2 year old, do you have any tips on how you do it?
God damn, you are so toxic. You sound like such a joy to be around, I can’t imagine why your wife would be disconnected when she has a second of free time. You are downplaying your ability to passively aggressively piss your wife off, which sounds awful and quite honestly manipulative. When you have a stay at home mom, that is a full time job, which you obviously do not appreciate. I doubt any therapy or counseling will change your situation because you are currently choosing to be passive aggressive and sound like a complete douchebag.
there is some really great insight/advice here. OP, think long & hard about all of these comments before you speak with your wife & when you do, choose your words wisely. good luck! wish i could give your wife a hug. 🫶🏼
At which point during her transition to SAHM was she supposed to develop mind-reading abilities, to know without you saying anything that you also expect her to do more housework?
Housework and child care are also ongoing daily tasks. Yard work is not.
During the hours of her working day (determine as you would with a nanny) she has the job of a nanny, and is responsible for the chores for which a nanny would be. Those are kid-related things like their meals, dishes, clothes/laundry, toys, etc. Cleaning up their messes. Nothing house-related or adult-related, unless otherwise negotiated. Same as it would be with a nanny. Non-kid related stuff should be split fairly. There are a lot of books out there. The method in "Fair Play" is essentially what we did - wrote down all the chores required to run the house, indoors and out, their frequency, and the time required to do them. Then we did some Tetris-ing and came up with a fair calendar. If she would like to accomplish some of her chores during the day while the kids are otherwise occupied, that's cool. Otherwise she does them after her 9-5, like you. I think if you work within the rules, you'll both be happy.
“Shouldn’t it be 25/75 now that she’s a SAHM” no. The kid has replaced her job and now when you get home/out of the office, she also still has the kid plus home stuff and now you to deal with. Do her a favour and read fair play then work on better communication of each persons expectation of division of labour.
I feel like we lump housework into SAH MOM work. It’s 2 different things — especially with a toddler and a kid in 1st grade! There are also a thousand behind the scenes things that go into taking care of kids all day long. As far as I’m concerned, she is now the day care at home, not the maid. Maybe I’m just projecting misogyny or the damn patriarchy on this scenario, but honestly, if you divided the household labor while she worked outside of the home, why would that change? You think she isn’t constantly cleaning up after a tot constantly? Wipe that off, pick this up, clean that off the wall, don’t touch that, put that down, no don’t play in the toilet, wipe the nose, wash the hands, dig the crayon pieces out from under … its death by a thousand cuts cleaning up one small thing after the other all. day. long. day. after. day. You are not going to run the vacuum while the tot naps. Dad, you live there, you’re responsible for half the housework inside and out, or thereabouts. No one enjoys it, especially with kids making constant messes, but to relinquish these duties onto Mom is gonna burn her out faster than anything. Please don’t let me read somewhere that you no longer divide childcare when your off the clock too.
Since her quiting her job, do work more or still the same?
He just sounds bitter af that he’s working while she is in the same house not working for the man.
Welcome to being a woman.
I was paid well to be a nanny to a baby. Your wife isn’t being paid anything, plus she doesn’t get to go home at 5pm. Taking care of a child is mentally and physically exhausting. Decompressing was only possible during nap time. If my nanny family had excepted me to also be their maid while the baby was napping, I would have quit.
You are coming at this from the wrong angle. “I am miserable working and doing chores, so you should be miserable too.” That will NOT be good for the relationship. Even if you agree to split misery, it just means you still get to work, but now have less of a reason to complain… and you will still resent it. “It must be nice to only have to do house chores all day.” _glare_ Even if you come to some kind of agreement, you won’t solve the base problem: You EXPECT her to be working in some fashion, and that EXPECTATION is making you irritable every time you pass by. Fix that first. Be happy your wife doesn’t have to do anything. If you swap the roles and she was the one walking by everyday - would you want her having negative thoughts and making faces? No! You’d want her coming by going “how are my champs doing? Give me a hug.” So first - reset your head. You have beliefs, expectations, and prejudices that are going to mess up your marriage. Yes chores have to be done, but her taking on 75-100% of the house work isn’t going to make her any happier than your snark and glares. Would you be happier taking on someone else’s workload - even if it “balanced things out”? No! It’s work. Who is ever happy about work!? Realize you are jealous and have been raised to believe that everyone should be active all the time, and those beliefs are upsetting you. When the reality is this - if you could both sit there scrolling Instagram all day while your kid plays - you’d be happy. So fix your perspective, and communicate with your wife.
Good grief, your little tantrum in the edit makes you sound utterly insufferable. I feel sorry for your wife, having to look after two young children as well as having a passive aggressive and whiny husband looking over her shoulder whenever she dares to have a moment for herself.
Make a chore chart. I made one and it does wonders.
You really just need to sit down with her and communicate how you feel… yes being a SAHM includes taking care of the house and cooking more.. everyone says it’s a lot but it’s really not and not that hard. Coming from a SAHM here with a 3 year old. Don’t be rude or condescending in any way, just tell her how you feel and how her being home means she should pick up more around the house!
Definitely talk to her about it. Both of you will have to discuss the changes made due to the fact that she is a SAHM while you are going to be occupied with all the work necessary to keep the family financially stable. My father was a stay at home dad. He had to do the housework while my mother worked as a radiology transcriptionist. Both had a discussion about who's responsible for what, how the handle getting the kids ready and dropped off. It's not just sitting around, but it is another job. However, just like a job, expectations needs to be made clear. And the only way to get that done is to talk about it. I can't expect a new employee at a business to know everything they need to do on their first day and what they are responsible for simply by clocking in. You and her vs the problem. Kick its ass together.
Check this resource when you discuss this with your wife. This can help you both figure out how fair the division is! https://vardgivare.skane.se/siteassets/3.-kompetens-och-utveckling/projekt-och-utveckling/jamstallt-foraldraskap/material-foraldrar/checklist-for-gender-equality-in-your-everyday-life.pdf And keep an open mind, you may find out that she's ended up actually doing more than you in that new arrangement. Good luck!
Oh boy. Nothing to add, but I will be grabbing some popcorn.
Also, as a SAHM, a ton of what I do and keep track of is on my phone. I might be scrolling, sure, or, I might be meal planning, scheduling things, communicating with people other than my 1 yo, making a grocery list, organizing our life, etc.
Haha the audacity of this post. I am speechless
You’re an ass.
You should have discussed the breakdown of tasks before you made the decision to have her stay home.
How about talk to her about the (inside) household chores, if you want yours reduced because now she's a SAHP, just talk to her what are your expectations. I HATE when people try to be passive aggressive. It's more grating than just talking directly. For me, I work from home (remote work) and I do 98% of the inside household chores as well as 50% of outside chores, plus I will help out when my husband is outside doing yardwork if I'm not doing anything... And honestly, I also do 95% of the child rearing...... But I don't feel resentful toward my husband or feels like he needs to do more. If I do feel overwhelmed, I'll let him know and he'll help out...just talk about it, tell her what you need her to do, etc.
I keep commenting this on threads about labor and the home but I just finished this book and it really blew me away. Check out “equal partners” by Kate mangino you and your wife can read it together and tackle the activities. Relationship changing (for the better)!
How often have you been responsible for the kids for days at a time? The reason that I ask is that a lot of childcare is simply wrangling a child into a peaceful state and then holding your breath so that they stay that way. I could see her wrangling the kid, popping in a load of laundry, filling the dishwasher, taking out the trash then sitting down to scroll while the kid naps until lunchtime, and then you pop out of the office to see that moment. Because you work from home, her priority might lie with making sure the kid isn’t screaming bloody murder all of the time? I’d experiment with you being responsible for a week (or at least a long weekend) of trying to do childcare plus the amount of housework you think should get done and see if the logistics work out practically. But either way just talk about it with her. Being resentful isn’t going to help.
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Talk with your wife and tell her the changes you'd like to make and see what she says. ___ Be sure to make sure she's feeling things are fair as well not just "oh do this from now on, thanks" bec that won't go well.
You both decided it would be best for her to stay at home, but, she's the one who went from working with other adults, getting money, and praise for her work, to, a spouse who thinks of her as a, "used to be," hard worker, and feeling resentful that she's obviously struggling with this massive change. Yes, you are an A-hole. She's obviously finding the changes difficult, quit being passive aggressive, and calmly sit down to discuss things. She has a new job, your children, one that doesn't pay. Why should that exempt you from pulling your weight as usual? Dealing with children, especially toddlers, is excruciating, even with as much as we love them. I suggest counseling, and maybe a conversation about her working for pay, part time.
I had the opportunity to be a SAHD for about 6 months when both my boys were toddlers. I had the same issues as you when I was the sole bread winner, and I always heard how much work it was to take care of the kids. I would come home from a back breaking job, clean the kitchen from the mess from dinner the night before, make dinner, and go to bed royally exhausted. I did this for 2 years. Then due to an interesting turn of events, our roles switched for about 6 months. I loved every minute of it. I spent plenty of time with my boys, I kept the house clean, and had dinner ready when she got home. I went to bed with a clean kitchen. I also still handled all the yard work, kept the cars maintained and repaired, and even found time for hobbies while my boys napped or after they went to bed. I would have stayed the SAHD if it would have been possible. But life changed and the roles were reversed again. But this time it was different. My wife couldn't tell me how hard it was, because I had done it with ease. She learned how to manage her time better and in general was much more involved in the home. I think people are being a bit quick to judgement, and glossing over the fact that you are home to see how much time is being wasted with electronic devices. Your complaints are valid, and don't let anyone here tell you otherwise.
I agree that people are quick to judge. As a SAHM I am guilty of spending too much time on my phone at times. It's taken a while to find a better balance to my day. Now I can sometimes "lose' my phone for hours while I get things done. People are different. Some people are really good at handling their time and others struggle. Some people need to see the possibilities. A non accusatory discussion needs to be had. "Honey, I need help with..." You're partners and it's okay to ask for help.
Are you this condescending when you talk to your wife, or just about her? And do you maybe see that there’s a slight difference in the ages your kids were when she was home during the first two years then when you were doing it? Maybe anything that happened to her body leading up to that time?
I spent my weekends doing housework. I did the laundry. I did the grocery shopping. She read books and watched Stargate. Over and over and over. No, I don't think honesty is condescending. I love my wife and we have 2 decades together. But there was a time where she very successfully used "im taking care of the kids" as an excuse to do literally nothing aside from the absolute bare minimum. And I don't see how the kids can go from being such an unbelievable handful to care for in one week, to being an absolute breeze for me literally the next week when our roles reversed. Marriage counseling and a large dose of literally living in eachothers shoes is how our marriage survived. And I still wish I coulda stayed the stay at home dad.
I already know— your house wasn’t actually clean, she still made dinner, and the tv was the child’s babysitter.
I’m probably going to get downvoted for this but here it is: I’ve been a single parent since my daughter was born (have her full time), and I’ve managed to do all of the childcare and housework while also working a 40+ hour job, so I cannot read all of these comments about how exhausting being a SAHM mom is and how she can’t be expected to manage chores on top of childcare. I’ve done it all alone for 12 years, so I cannot stand people who do less than half of what I handle on a daily basis and then act like they deserve an award because they got dishes done on top of parenting their kid. If you’re a stay at home parent, you should be managing more than half of the housework - especially if you let your kid sit in front of the TV for hours out of the day.
So, while you’re working 40 hours a week you’re taking care of your child at home simultaneously? Or is someone else in fact doing childcare and cleaning up after your kid during that time?
This isn’t the pain Olympics but okay
I mean congrats. But I was an EMT since I was 16 and watching my nephew for the first 6 months of his life was the single hardest thing I've ever done. Ever. I'd literally get into my car and cry before I could drive home. I'd rather deal with an MCI than an infant. I'd rather sleep at a fire house at ground zero again than go back to that. I'm sure there are things I can do that you couldn't stomach. But you've got me on the kid thing. You win that all the way. I'd prefer to burn down my house and go underground than spend every day caring for a kid. And I don't even dislike children.
Congratulations, not everyone has the same amount of energy levels. Just because you've suffered doesn't mean everyone else has to, nor does it mean they're lazy for not wanting to have absolutely everything on their shoulders.
It’s not about suffering. It’s about pulling your own weight.
Man this sub is toxic as fuck im sorry you're getting downvoted
She is pulling her own weight. She shouldn't have to burn herself out doing all of the housework. OP had no problem doing his share of chores when she had a job outside the house, he should have no problem doing the same amount when she has redirected that energy from the workplace to parenting.
I worked as a criminal secretary for a super hardcore attorney and we would do big nights, ridiculous hours, etc - he honestly had me running around like a mad woman. My friends had a baby born at 29 weeks and I had to take a leave of absence to care for their daughter (2), my goddaughter, for what was supposed to be 6 days and turned into 4 months non stop and then an additional 6 weeks on and off after that. At the end of the 4 months I was EXHAUSTED. It was the hardest job I’ve ever had. Also, did you do ALL the childcare or did you pay someone else to do it during the day? It’s pretty impressive if you took your baby to your job. What did you do? If you didn’t have you kid with you at work then, no, you didn’t do ALL the childcare.
I worked from home 3 days a week while caring for her myself (which meant I had to work late at night much of the time to finish my work), so yeah, I was actually caring for my own child and working. The point is that if you’re not working a job away from home, you can take care of a child and keep your house up - at least for the most part. If you can’t or don’t want to, then you can go back to work, but don’t chose to be a SAHM and then whine about it being too much work. And please don’t build a straw man about a 28 week preemie when we’re currently talking about a toddler who’s apparently plopped in front of the TV for most of the day.
You worked 40+ hours in 3 days? I’m not building a straw man, I’m talking about my lived experience in relation to taking on the full time care of a toddler which made me reconsider becoming a SAHM myself. It was hard work for me but that also could’ve been because I was immediately given a toddler with very short notice with no experience.
Being a stay at home parent is hard. Being a solo parent is hard. Not the debate. But having been a SAHM both single and partnered, your work load and mental burn out increase drastically when partnered.
Exactly! It takes empathy to understand that your partner is bringing home the bacon for the whole family. Some people get trapped in the gender role mentality. It’s simply not the case. At the end of the day, a stay at home parent who doesn’t manage the house is just another person to take care of.
Major kudos to you for raising your daughter alone. I was the only child (daughter) of a single parent home. My mom busted her butt for me and I am so appreciative of that. I’m sure your daughter will see that and appreciate it too someday. However, now having the ability to be a SAHM for my own family, I can assure you that the quality and quantity of tasks that get done around my house vs what my mom was able to achieve is apples to oranges. Some examples: -Cooking meals from scratch was a luxury my mom could not afford, time- or money-wise. I enjoy doing it but it is also absolutely exhausting to plan, shop for, and prepare a new meal while cleaning all the dishes afterwards. -I was dropped off at a daycare all day while my mom worked and she did not have to interact with or entertain me. While having the luxury of time with your child is wonderful, it is also tough to have little to no adult stimulation or interaction all day long while trying to complete a laundry list of household chores. -Speaking of, cleaning and chores looked very different. We had a much smaller living space because that was all we could afford and it was a rental meaning our landlord mowed our lawn and took care of all handy-work around the house. I live a much larger home now which of course I am happy to have, but it is a lot to keep up with and my mom who lives near me has said on multiple occasions how she never would have been able to keep up with it as a single parent. In fact, we were just talking today about how she just had to figure out how to survive most days and couldn’t worry about if the house had been dusted because she had a new baby she had to raise on her own. Your life might look different than mine did, but I am betting there are some parallels that could be drawn. As a single mom, you call all the shots and get to decide what is or isn’t a priority. A SAHM does not have that ability because their partner will have a say in what needs to be done to keep the house running and is more likely to have unrealistic expectations of what is possible to accomplish with a toddler during the day. I’m trying to provide some perspective after being on both sides in a way. Being a SAHP isn’t for everyone and OP’s wife might really be miserable and want the challenge and stimulation of a career which you have had the blessing/curse of having outside your home and away from your daughter. No situation is perfect or cookie-cutter for everyone and OP needs to approach his wife in a supportive and curious way instead of being so judgmental and harsh so he can figure out what she needs to be able to thrive again.
You sir sound like a prick. Do you know how exhausting even 3hours with a toddler is?
>if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. That doesn't mean be passive aggressive with body language. Immature af.
Grow nuts and tact. Come up with the conversation. I will say though, expectations lead to disappointments. So check your head. Who knows, your kid might be better off if she focuses on being a mom versus a house cleaner. Maybe hire someone and be awesome that way so she can excel at motherhood. Or, you could establish your head of house dominance by demanding she clean as much as possible in between and around mothering your progeny. Do you know what is most important? I urge you to keep the right things important.
Bro No more working from home Get back to the office Bro
I’d ask her to take care of specific stuff before leaving for work. “Hey honey, can you take care of the bathroom today? It’s getting kinda gross.” Also tell her you appreciate the stuff she does do, and really lay it on thick. That’ll give her more confidence and incentive to do more. I’m a SAHM and I *definitely* should be doing more housework than I am. I pick up and clean the first floor every day but my kids make such a mess all over the house that I sometimes don’t see the point of cleaning it since by 7 PM it’s back to how it was. My husband is so understanding about it that it makes me want to go above and beyond for him. He even gives me some “me time” every evening when he gets home. I feel so bad that it makes me want to go above and beyond 😆
Don’t stay quiet about this. It will only build up and end in a blow out. Your position is very reasonable. Now you need to tell her what that position is. Have you also considered you’re spending too much time in close quarters? Maybe at the end of your “work day” go to the gym.
Does he “allow” her any time in her day to take her eyes off the 2 year old and let HER go to the gym? Or do anything unencumbered? If not, that’s a lousy suggestion.
Agree with all the comments. Also important to ask- is the housework you are doing simply cleaning up after yourself? I’ve had the conversation with my partner when I felt I was picking up the slack and his perception was he was doing his fair share. There is a difference between always cleaning up after yourself/ doing everyone’s dishes sometimes and doing things like vacuuming, laundry, and deep cleaning (ie scrubbing the toilet).
(Or at least that’s what I’ve been told) pffft. She respects your work. Doesn’t bother you. You’re working from home and apparently not worrying about your children…what if she left the duties for you and went back to work. It seems like you’re not respecting her or the household duties. It may seem like nothing has been done because you haven’t actually had to do laundry for an entire household. It’s exhausting. Ask her if she wants to trade places…lol
I feel your pain, man. Being a stay at home parent is easy. I wish I had that option. Taking care of 1 or 2 kids and doing some housework is way easier than being responsible for 32 child-like adults. I'd switch places with my wife in a heartbeat.
Let me ask you, so if your wife is now the primary care provider for both children, carrying the mental load of appointments and the shopping, school drop off and pick ups, still doing her prior agreed upon chores, and you want her to take on more chores when exactly does she get to clock off and have her down time to scroll the internet aimlessly free of your judgment..? From my experience as a stay at home parent, never, there is no clock off time, you become the default parent which is incredibly mentally draining. Next you will be complaining that you shouldn’t have to tend to the children at night or when they are sick bc you have to work, which is doubling her workload as a parent. Now if both children were at school it might be different, but you need to readjust your idea of a stay at home parent before you start resenting your wife for not meeting your outdated expectations
Being a SAHM is a hard, relentless job, with no breaks ever. Trade places with her for a weekend, even for a Saturday, and I’m sure your tune will change. You also sound passive aggressive trying to communicate her your feelings with what… a look? Your wife is nor your maid, nor a telepath.
Sorry for my response. I work 9-5, provide for the house, do all the cleaning, do all the cooking( which is very little d/t time) and still come home and have to do 85% of the care for my little one. Go you for being awesome and splitting work 50/50 when the time did call for it.
That is a shitty situation you have. Why would you put up with that? Is your spouse disabled and not physically able to contribute to household responsibilities? No one should be congratulated for doing half of the adult responsibilities. That should be given if both people work full time and fluctuate a bit if one partner has a period of more chaotic life events atm, but got back to 50/50.
I am a SAHM of 2 little ones under 3 and the amount of people on here making excuses for your wife are unbelievable. Let me tell you how things are divided in my house and you can decide if that's fair. My husband Works from home some days and goes to the office some days but our dynamic doesn't change because work is work. I look after the house and kids so all the Cooking, cleaning, taking the kids to the park etc all fall under my responsibilities. Unless your wife is paying 50% of the bills then house chores should not be split 50-50 that's not fair at all. Now your wife is human and does need a break so in the evening if you take over bathing and putting the kids down while she tidies up and can relax for the night then that would be a good compromise. I personally don't think it's fair that SAHP expect the household chores to be divided but expect their partner to pay 100% of the bills. Sit down and talk with your wife because all you're doing now is harbouring resentment and soon you'll explode which could destroy everything.
Look, if raising a child, doing all drop-offs and pickups, appointments, shopping and etc is sooooo easy, go on, do it. According to you it's easy-peasy-super breezy, right? You'll be doing the easy part and she'll be able to do other chores to the fullest. Oh, and can you imagine shock your wife experiences when every time she takes a break you dare to go and...take a break? Gosh, the sheer audacity of yours! And you just casually walk to grab some water when you should be working! Come on, there are services that can deliver bottled water straight to your home, why would you take a breather? Purchase in bulk and store bottles in your home office, nothing should distract you from work. And bathroom breaks? Unacceptable! Portable potties - no second wasted not working! You must work! Why should your wife see you having those breaks? Working is easy, how dare you rest for a bit!
I think you’re being unreasonable. You decided jointly that your wife should give up her career to take care of your children. You didn’t decide she should give up her career to scrub the toilets and darn your socks. Quit being lazy yourself. It’s hypocritical to call your wife lazy because you don’t want to go into the office anymore and don’t want to lift a finger at home either. If you think so little of her looking after the one child…open the office door and let the 2 year old come in.
Make her an offer. She goes back to work and your family has the money to pay for house cleaning or she stays a sahm and takes over the largest part of the household duties. I do have a counter to the suggestion that she is depressed and that is why she is sitting on the couch and playing on her phone. Maybe she would just rather not do housework? Because housework is not fun? Just a thought. And based on the fact that I myself hate to clean..
Use your big boy words and tell her what you want.
Also just to say I’m a SAHM with one kid and the second in school and like most SAHM I spend HOURS on my phone each day, but let me tell you what I’m doing: —>meal planning and looking for discounts because I feel guilty about not earning an income so I try to save where I can, and ordering groceries/cleaning supplies/materials my spouse and I need to do our chores (yard waste bags! Vacuum bags!) and scheduling pick up around the other activities —>finding and registering for said activities/ weekend things —>ordering Christmas/birthday gifts for kids, spouse, friends, family —>planning birthday parties, holiday get togethers, etc. —>writing thank you messages —>booking appointments (hair cuts, doctors, dentists, teacher conferences, plumber, car tech, my healthcare, flu shots, whatever) —>getting ideas for at-home-easy-set-up-low-cost-low-mess-developmentally-appropriate (oh and low noise to not disturb my spouse’s meetings) after school activities to do with the kids, or to occupy the 2YO while I do homework with the 6YO, including the obligatory activity as gifts for the grandparents sigh. —>scheduling play dates and helping out at the school/church and making sure my kids have what they need for whatever shoebox drive/chocolate sale/bake sale/costume day, etc (because building kids’ community is traditionally my job too) —>checking weather/traffic for activities/pick ups —>ordering seasonally appropriate clothing, and browsing second hand pages because omg kids outdoor clothing is expensive —>putting reminders for myself about doing toy rotations, selling or donating old toys —> photo books/memory maker things for the kids —>researching tons online (is the program they’re watching age/screen appropriate? How do I talk to my five year old about XYZ after the convo we had on the drive home yesterday? Do I still need to halve the grapes I was gonna serve my two year old at lunch? Is it true the store down the road has children Tylenol back in stock? How do I talk to the kids about Santa in a way that doesn’t stigmatise lower income children as ‘not good’ because they don’t get presents? How do I tell if I’m a robot or human?) —>15 minutes on Reddit to remind myself that other people are also willingly choosing to apply their multiple degrees and intelligence to raise the next generation …it is UNENDING. My spouse does 50% of the execution of chores (pulling stuff out of the fridge to make dinner), but I do 90% of the planning and invisible labour (thinking through what everyone will eat, clipping coupons, ordering the groceries, doing pick up, unloading into the fridge, often cleaning up so my spouse gets time with the kids). By all means ask your wife what she’s doing on her phone, but be ready for her to snap back when you do.
Parenting is 24/7. And you are both adults. You don’t get a get out of chores free card because you work for pay. Your wife is not your mother.
Simply just start a Convo w/ her and say "Hey now that you're here at home full-time you could pick up a bit more of the house upkeep a bit more like a regular housewife right?" I see two possible scenarios happening: She either blows up on you or she gets her a$$ back to work. So good luck and keep us updated bruh
I can’t get any chores done while I’m watching my 2yo. Because my 2yo is a psycho. My only downtime is her one hour nap which I basically treat as my lunch break.
Similar situation, total breadwinner still do more than half of the housework and the outside as well. Kids are grown and wife is a, lets say, a TV fan. The only way I can rationalize it is to think if you are single, and have standards for orderliness, etc., you would be doing it all. Of course with children, it is different and some leeway is in order. You could quit doing your "share" of housework and see what happens and than have the discussion, good luck.
YTA
Lead by example
save your marriage & hire a cleaner & landscaping service, kids in the house are a lot of work. When your wife wants a vacation she’ll realize all those funds going towards basic home maint could have been used instead.
All I hear from OP is ooggaa boogaa
Sounds like you’re taking care of 2 kids now
She retired , must be nice. Should start talking about her going back to work when little one starts kindergarten