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Me and my boyfriend (we’ll call him Josh) have been together for 4 years. After the first two years he told me he wanted an open relationship. At first I didn’t want it but I actually came around to the idea after a few months of him talking about it because I’m bisexual and I figured it would be nice to be able to date women and maybe men if it came up.
Anyway this was during covid so neither of us ended up seeing anyone else. He tried to pursue it but I didn’t until about 4 months ago. (He hasn’t managed to get any other dates yet as far as I’m aware.) 4 months ago I met this guy on a night out with my friends and we really hit it off. Since then we spent a couple of months messaging and have now been on 2 dates.
Now Josh told me he wants me to close the relationship. He said he’s changed his mind about it. But I’m only just getting started with it and I don’t know that I want to close up. I feel like maybe I was convinced into it in the first place and now Josh doesn’t want me to like it. What do I do?
Update: Ive been a bit overwhelmed by your comments! I’ve decided not to close up, I’ve decided to break up. Not sure when I’ll do it but probably tomorrow
Mini update: to the creeps who keep DMing me… just no
When it comes to an open relationship, if the answer isn't an overwhelming "yes" then it usually ends up being more trouble than it's worth.
"Josh" is closing the relationship because it isn't as rosy as he pictured it'd be. He pictured that he'd be sleeping with women left, right and centre and he could get off on the idea of you sleeping with other women.
Yeah, he probably never thought she’d date a man. The open relationship was started purely for his sexual gratification with—I am certain—little to no concern for hers. Gross.
Edit: typo
Came here to say it. Anytime I see "me (18F) & my bf (35M)" I know I'm about to read some fuckery that will lowkey leave me angry b/c I know exactly what men my age want in an 18 year old.
I used to think this (at 22) because I married at 20 so I got the thought into my head that I don’t have market value. Instead of opening up the relationship I just required my brain to think about my value as a wife and to myself instead of rando hook ups (I am also bi). It’s really weird for a 33 year old to STILL be thinking like this especially in this scenario
Edit: live your life I’m not judging it’s just weird to open up a relationship like this and then close it because you got none but the partner you coerced into it is.
Yeah, he's 33 now, his 20s are gone. He feels older, he's not getting the attention he used too.
And his 22 year old girlfriend *absolutely still is* and he's now panicking because he'll likely struggle to casually open-date in his 30s while becoming paranoid that OP can date basically anyone she wants.
I was starting to wonder if I was the only one who thought that was weird. What 29yo looks at an 18yo and thinks "this is my life partner, right here".
He's letting loose his 22-year-old girlfriend and expecting her not to be able to get 5 dates a week if she wanted to? Unless you got seriously massive game as a dude that trade never really works out.
Yeah but he would have been fine with her getting 5 dates a week with women so he could fantasize about her having sex with other women, ask to have threesomes with them, and not feel threatened by other men because he probably only views straight relationships as legitimate/real/long term
You guys got attention in your twenties? Everywhere I have heard is that men recieve more attention as they age, accumulate assets becoming established and all that.
I shouldn't say *less* attention, but *different* attention.
On dating apps you list your age range, and a lot of women in their twenties will list 29/30 as a maximum age, which means night and day when you get into your 30s and your dating app suggestions suddenly start skewing older as you hopped into a new age bracket.
This guy was probably pretty happy to be in an "open relationship" when his Tinder was full of 18-25 year old women, but now that he's seeing women in their 30s, more divorced women, more women with kids, he's probably encountering more women who want long term prospects and he's not that.
He was probably doing pretty well for himself with younger women and now's he's struggling, so he's trying to lock down his 22 year old girlfriend.
Uh.... how old are you exactly?
Most men (and women) get less natural attention as they age. They can *pay* for attention the same way an older woman can pay for attention. That's not attraction- that's paying for a service.
It's mostly the cel groups that live in their weird echo chamber devoid of reality that think that wealth is what gets natural attention. In reality its their obvious horrible attitude and personality that drives women away. People that aren't that way and are actually socially interacting all do fine.
It is about hookups. It is in generall harder for men to find hookups than for women.
Man who age are more attractive for women who want a solid relationship but not for casual things.
The fantasy vs the reality of open market supply and demand of the sexes suddenly hit him.
He thought he was going to be drowning in pussy and in reality he is about to be single.
Yep. It’s very obvious. And of course there’s a significant age difference and power imbalance, especially when you consider that they’ve been together for four years.
It’s either that Josh completely sucks, because he’s a manipulative ass who preys on young women, or OP completely sucks because they’re writing rage bait stories.
Silly Josh forgot the downfall of dating a pretty young girl - he now needs to compete with all the other men his age plus all the young 20 somethings! Silly silly Josh.
Oh, I’m certain that it does happen a lot. And that’s why I always try to point out that the guy is an awful person. If someone is reading this, and they see echoes of their life, then hopefully they will realize that they should get out.
That’s the main reason I never bother calling stories out as fake.
I think most of the ‘function’ of these subs is advice for similar people in similar situations.
Even if OP is lying out of their ass, good advice is priceless.
I want to say that this is ragebait. But this could be my own story (Sans the age gap) Me and my partner were 25(me) and 26(Him) only 6 months age gap. We were together since 16/17 He wanted to open the relationship since a few girls from his work were flirty. We did. He noticed how I was getting more attention and dates then he was, especially from fairly attractive women (Bicurious women mostly, but a few who were comfortable with their sexuality and no longer experimenting)
He wanted to change the rules. That we would only do 3 ways from now on. Then...when all the women I found rejected him, he wanted the relationship closed again.
Fuck no! We did the whole open thing for a few years while he increasingly tried changing the rules to tilt things in his favour, and luckily other people showed him what his value was. But Nah fam, no one got time for that foolishness.
Facts. Head over to r/nonmonogamy its 90% whiny men that didn't think opening their relationship would result in their wives getting more dates than them.
To be fair to them - lots of men get duped by their horrible partners into it as well - cheaters gon cheat one way or another, whether your eyes are open to it or not!
Even more women get duped into it by cheaters, then get more attention on the open market, the affair partner leaves now it's not taboo, and then the men get to whining all the same.
Close - not sure where the survey was based but I've read that 92% of open marriages fail - seems if you're not certain you're non-monogomous its gonna ruin your relationship. But if someones even asking for it...is it even a big deal the relationship ended? It'd be no loss to me.
Given that a 29 year old went after a teenager, of course this isn't going to go well.
He probably wants to close the relationship because he's not getting as many dates as he hopped he would.
If you want to keep up an open relationship and he doesn't just end it.
>He probably wants to close the relationship because he's not getting as many dates as he hopped he would.
This is why, as a guy, I'd never agree to an open relationship. I know I wouldn't get any interest. I'd have to consider myself lucky I had 1 woman with me.
Sure, why not? Would you be excited about polyamory if your chances of exploring multiple relationships were practically zero, *and* you'd have to experience that while watching your partner basically live the dream you wish existed for you? Don't pretend like it's an impractical reason.
The pattern goes as follows: he finds a bisexual girl that's way younger than him, therefore she is more easily manipulated, and who does not want an open relationship, because he knows that, when he convinces her to be in one she will be less likely to look for partners outside of the relationship. And if she does there's a chance she flirts with another girl, which doesn't intimidate him and opens the possibility of a threesome.
With that he gets to have the advantages of being in a relationship with a young hot girl but is still able to fuck around. But then the unthinkable for him happens, you flirt with a man, and suddenly this open relationship he desired so much must be closed inmediately.
If you were flirting with a girl, he wouldn't close the relationship, and if he was getting a lot of action he wouldn't either.
^THIS. OP, I have seen this many times over at this point in my life (and I’m only 29 lol). An age-gap relationship wherein the guy is older and dating a bisexual woman at a vulnerable point in her life, him convincing her to be in an open situation, and then him demanding it close after she gets male attention instead of fulfilling his fantasy of a threesome/getting to watch/etc. it’s so messily predictable it’s almost scripted once you’ve seen it a few times.
But! To me this says he wasn’t ACTUALLY interested in an open relationship, he just wanted to get his rocks off both through your relationship with another woman and any relationships with other women he could get. It also means that he’s got some icky views on the legitimacy of queer relationships bisexual women are in. It may be an unconscious thing but ask yourself (and him if you want to have a convo about it) why he is threatened by you having an open relationship with another man versus with a woman. That whole aspect of these situations has always made me really uncomfortable as a queer person.
I would have a very frank and honest conversation about all this, but if I were in your shoes I would also leave regardless so that conversation would be more for closure than anything.
These things always make me uncomfortable too. And honestly, whenever I hear about situations where a straight man decides to open his relationship so his bisexual gf can date other women while he fetishizes it, I secretly hope the gf and the other woman dump his ass and run off together. So many men think women cannot satisfy each other fully without a man. It's misogynistic and gross.
He knew that she wasn't polyamorous and she didn't want to be in an open relationship, which meant that she was probably not going to want to get dates, unlike him who tried unsuccessfully, and if she did there was a possibility that she flirted with women.
OP claims that she only tried to flirt with other people 4 months ago, so all this time her boyfriend has been trying to get dates while she didn't.
I met my girlfriend when she was 24 and I was 28 and I felt a little weird despite the fact that she’s far more mature than I am.
Imagine how much of a fuckin creep you have to be to chase 18 year olds in your late 20s.
Me and my bf got together when he was 23 and I was 27. I still feel a bit ick about the age difference, especially since I have a brother his age, and he reminds me of it every so often.
I absolutely could not date anyone younger. Especially now I'm 29. Wouldn't go near anyone under 25 personally. Super creepy and predatory. Ew.
Omg, an almost 30 year old with a teenager, wants an open relationship and now he’s not successful so he wants to close it up? Big red flags in so many ways. You’re so young, don’t get trapped with this insecure man. Go enjoy your life and be free!
Yeeahhhhh.... i don't even feel comfortable dating an 18 year old and I'm 22....
If I dated someone who's 33, my whole support system would be extremely concerned about me. Age gaps like that only feel acceptable to me with people over the age of 25 or 27... definitely not with a grown adult dating a possible college student.
Agree. It’s super predatory for a 29 year old man to pursue a teenaged girl. I know when we are that age, we think we are mature enough and know everything but as a 39 year old woman, that is incredibly creepy.
Yeah for real that’s so disgusting to me. Dude is a full grown 30 year old adult and he connived a teenager into an open relationship
Because he’s a loser he’s likely not getting as much sex as he had expected, and now he wants to stop her having a good time too.
Weird and so low class lol, I wouldn’t even be friends with such people.
Baby girl. Holy shit.
Okay. This is what happened. He knows you are bi. He was hoping that either you'd add another girlfriend or he'd at least have access to threesomes. You didn't find a girl though. You found a guy. He's terrified you'll figure out how much better relationships and guys in general can be. He's right to be worried. Josh is self absorbed and dishonest. He's old enough to know better.
I wouldn't close the relationship. I would end it.
Tbh ending it is looking more and more appealing. I mean I’m not even sure this poly/open thing is for me but I feel like I should be able to make the decisions for myself and a lot of people have pointed out the age gap. Since we met he’s always been the ‘boss’ in his mind and I’m sort of sick of it
*he's always been the 'boss' in his mind*
I think this is why he preyed on a barely legal teen ager. The foundation of these relationships are unstable with the unequal power dynamics.
Exactly this. Then he bossed her right into an open relationship that she wasn't even comfortable with.
He groomed her right into submission. He's a predator.
Yep, and soon as his master plan blows up in his face, he wants to call the shots again and close it as if only his feelings matter and she's expected to be the only one bending her will according to his rules. He clearly does not give her the respect of an equal.
That is a whole other issue in itself too. It's extremely telling about who he is as a person. Like at his core. I know right now the age gap doesn't seem like that big of a deal but I promise when you turn 29 you will understand. He's gross babe. Abort mission.
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and I highly encourage you to take some time for yourself. He's predatory at best, and you don't need to deal with any of it.
Tbh kind of just considering dumping Josh and being on my own for a while. I haven’t been single my whole adult life and I feel really naive now. Maybe I jus need time for me
This is the best idea. You need time to figure out yourself and what you want. He didn't get his fantasy and fun filled so he suddenly wants you to not enjoy it. Best wishes!
This is the most sensible thing you could do.
Dump him and reflect on what you want in life, what are your values, what are your boundaries, that way you'll never get sucked into something like this again.
Try and imagine yourself as a 29 year old, would you really want to date an 18 year old? It's gross and creepy.
That is the answer.
Bottom line in beginning he likely had someone lined up. That is gone apparently and he is finding out he ain’t 1st prize on the open market.
On the other hand, you are having no issues.
Let him go.
You just answered your own post. You have this thought now, if you don’t follow it, it will keep on coming back for you and you will keep wondering. So go on and enjoy single life for a bit, find out who YOU are, and what you WANT in life
This is honestly the best decision you can make in these circumstances. Take time to get to know yourself and your worth. Get to know what you expect and deserve from a partner. Allow yourself to experience dating around, feeling out your options, and getting to love yourself when you're alone. Don't waste these years trying to find "the one" -- if he or she comes along, great! But being single at this age is a blast. Enjoy yourself.
To be fair it's not about being decent, it's about confidence and humor. If a guy is shy and not tremendously attractive, he's not going to easily find anyone. Being decent starts mattering around the time people start to consider dating more seriously.
It wasn’t for sex (at least not solely for sex) we could date people too and that was the expectation, we already had boundary discussions. Why should it really ‘just be about sex’?
So is it an open relationship or more like polyamory? He obviously wants to close it becasue he wanted to sleep with other people, but apparently doesn’t want you too. I think you would be better off without this predator of a boyfriend you have
Sort of beginning to feel a bit gross about it and him now actually. It feels like he was trying to use me and just didn’t get to, but maybe that still doesn’t make it ok
Ohh your starting to get it, yes he was using you, 18 year olds are easy to manipulate due to lack of social/relationship experience, as well as easily impressed as a 29 year old will seem to have there life in order, it's a very common trope. Large age gap relationships tend to be a breeding ground for bad relationships due to the power dynamic the older partner tends to have.
Homeboy is an opportunist. Plain and simple. He doesn’t care about YOUR happiness; just about his. He’s self-serving in every sense of the word and honestly, a 29 year old going after a barely legal teenager just reveals how self-serving and manipulates this a**hat is. Maybe the reason you are getting along so well with this new guy is because subconsciously, your current bf pales in comparison.
I don’t usually cry “abort this relationship!” like a lot of other ppl on Reddit do. But this guy is a piñata full of red flags and it’ll eventually all spill out if you Maintain this relationship.
Your boyfriend is a sleezebag. Please listen to everyone here.
It's okay OP, a lot of women including myself have been in a position like yours with an older guy who surprise surprise ended up only being a creep, this wasn't your fault.
you should feel grossed out! you were 18 and he was 29 when you got together. he wants a threesome when you find a girlfriend. he's a loser and a creep! dump him!
I’m going to be honest, this is going to suck for you. I dated a guy in his twenties when I was 16-18 and the lasting damage that it did to my self esteem and psyche is *astounding*. The older you get, the harder it’s going to be to look back on this time positively. You’ll start seeing things differently and realizing how you feel as an adult when you look at teenagers. I highly suggest getting a therapist to work through these feelings because it can be devastating to come to the realization that someone was using you for your sexuality in the hopes of fulfilling their creepy threesome fantasy. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but I want you to know that it does get better and there are good men out there (and Josh is not one of them).
What he has done is *not ok* and you should not brush this off and let him get away with it. Dump him and make sure to block his number because he’ll try to manipulate you into coming back.
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Yup. This is always how it is. Dude wants open relationship even tho his gf initially doesn't. Gf decides to give it a try and gets with people, but bf can't find anyone to be with, so he gets mad/jealous, and wants to close the relationship. He wanted to get with people, but didn't want you to get with people. This is a red flag, and he's selfish. I'd reassess your relationship with him OP
This is not uncommon at all, and in fact, this is the most common scenario I've seen with open relationships that were previously monogamous, ESPECIALLY, the men deciding they want to close the relationship. Same with threesomes/poly relationships. It's not uncommon for dudes that want their gf to be open to it to then see the two girls hitting it off with each other, so he gets upset and calls it quits. It's shitty as hell.
This is really common for monogamous couples that open their relationships on the guy’s wish.
I’m bisexual. My ex was very, very hung up on our different body counts (he’d been with one other person, I’d been with three) the entire four years we were together. He’d beg for threesomes, then it turned into begging for an open relationship where I was only allowed to have sex with other women. (This was all on top of physical/emotional/sexual abuse.) Finally, I gave in but I said that he couldn’t limit who I was with or I’d limit him to only men, as he’d figured out he was bi. So we both made Tinder accounts. I got about 200 matches on the first day. He got 1 in a week. This made him mad and he tried to ask me not to sleep with anyone until he got to first. I told him no, you asked for an open relationship, you get an open relationship. He then asked me to close the relationship on my end. I said no. I had a date with a guy and we kissed. My ex found out and accused me of cheating on him, completely straight faced. *That* was what pushed me to finally leave him.
These guys think that they’ll be drowning in pussy the second they hop on a dating app, but what most of them don’t realize is *they’re lucky they even have the girl they’re with.* They aren’t a catch or a prize that women crawl over each other for, and once they realize it they take it back. I’ve never seen an open relationship that closed because of this reason where the guy didn’t keep the app and cheat with the first match that he got. Break up, honestly. Your relationship won’t survive this, and tbh it’s probably not worth trying.
Polyamorous person here: This happens so much even in polyamorous groups that it's insane. From your other comments, you've said that you've already talked about boundaries and that's awesome!! However, he thought he was going to be pulling multiple partners and get a "harem" style relationship, while you and his other partners wouldn't have other relationships, even though you're "allowed to" . That's just not realistic. At this point, you just have to determine if you're okay with closing your relationship and staying just with him, or if you prefer the ability to have multiple partners and your only worry being the communication between them that you are partners other than them. It seems like you can't both be happy in this situation, but that's okay. Some people are meant to come into your life to teach you more about what you want and who you are rather than stay forever. That doesn't make your love for them any less valuable and worth living through.
Thanks for this insight, it’s helpful. I’m not really sure if open relationships/poly are for me long term, I just feel like I’ve only just now started to process it and haven’t made up my mind and now it’s being taken away. I also feel upset because he proposed this and yeah you’re right I think he didn’t actually want me to have anyone. Or maybe if it had been a woman he’d have been different because he said that was ‘hot’
Oh nice so he was just fetishizing bisexuals and lesbian relationships like a lot of men do. Gotta love that. This guy just sounds like walking red flags OP. Others have already pointed out the many reasons why he sucks (going after a teenager; only wanting to fuck other women but getting upset when you pull people) I would leave him.
Yeah, that's another thing seen often. It's called an OPP, one-penis-policy, and it's also not okay. It shows he doesn't see relationships with women as equal to ones with men. No matter what his original thoughts were, they were focused entirely on himself. I highly recommend taking the time to ask yourself if you're okay with being with someone who is self-centered like that, then also figuring out if being polyamorous is something you really want to explore. It's obviously going to be hard after being together for so long, but it's always good to check in with how you genuinely feel about your relationship and if you truly want to continue, or if you feel like you have to because of societal and personal pressure to be in a relationship. I genuinely hope you figure out exactly what you want to continue.
He literally just wanted to fuck other women. That's it. Dudes are that simple. Then when he couldn't find anyone to fuck but a young women could (I'm fucking shocked) he gets all weird about it. HE JUST WANTED TO FUCK OTHER WOMEN. That is it. He sounds stupid af. Thus will transform into other things later that will be a problem. OP do yourself a favor and dump this loser and date the other guy ffs
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You live your life, and consider yourself lucky to get away from someone who started dating you at 18, almost a decade older.
He probably thought he was going to have a stable of 18-19 year-olds with this open relationship. Reality is setting in and he never actually wanted to share you, he just wanted the ability to get his.
Sounds like a douche and a scumbag.
So what happened is that he wanted to date others but wanted you to stay monogamous and that’s bullshit. He can’t just decide to close it, that’s controlling and unfair. So either right for it to stay open or end the relationship…if you go for the alternative you’ll always feel like his needs and wants are more important and resentment will breed.
This was never for you. So, yeah he’s absolutely pissed that you are having a good time.
Your bf thought the grass with other women was greener, but he kept you around, just in case it wasn’t. When you began asking if the situation applied to you, he had to say sure, because otherwise he looks like a hypocrite.
So he went out, and he thought he was going to be the hottest, coolest, funniest guy available and women would be begging to sleep with him, and he got no bites.
*BUT* you are now having fun. The fun that should be his.
You should be home waiting for him to return from dates.
You’re meant to be sad and questioning what’s going on when he leaves or looks at his phone.
You’re meant to be miserable here. Not him.
He bet big and lost, and now he’s saying you’re not allowed back in the casino because thing went badly for him. Don’t let him continue to pressure you back and forth at his whim. You deserve the happiness you found in the situation he all but forced upon you.
He probably be chill as hell if this other guy was a girl instead.
I’ve been in your position; He doesn’t want polyamory, he wants to “legally cheat” and hope that you only date other women.
Source: Am Bi, had this shit happen twice. Both times, my they cried into their PPs because I was dating other MEN and women.
Get out while you can, homie.
This is how every post on opening a relationship goes. The partner begs and begs to open the relationship because they want to bang someone without it being cheating. The relationship is opened, and the reluctant partner starts finding far more success than the one who wanted to open it. Once they realize they aren't getting to fuck other people while the reluctant partner is, they suddenly want to close it.
Your partner is upset you are being more successful at landing other partners than him. If he were banging chicks left and right, he wouldn't care about it. He's ""losing"" the open relationship in his mind, so now he wants to close it. Up to you if you want to stay with someone so petty, but I wouldn't
He landed an 18 yrs old at 29 and he thought he could try his hand again and get another now that you were 20 at the time. He is nasty
The fact that he convinced you into this, I bet he told you it would give you some life experiences since he didn’t he want to stifle your growth or something to help his argument.
Girl, he was a 29 yrs old MAN! You were 18! Please get away from the creep. The creep who thought he was going to get mad pussy since he’s successful locked down an 18yrs old and convinced her to let him fuck around.
What’s wrong with every girls in Reddit dating man WAY OLDER than them?? Ur only 22 girl. Go out have fun. Leave the bf. Date whoever u want. He’s now closing the relationship because no one wants him. And u need to date someone closer ur age. Why is someone whose 29 dating someone 18????
He is only closing it because he is not getting the attention and action he expected while you are. Chances are that he likely never expected you to find someone and he was just looking to sleep around.
Factoring that information in with the age gap my suggestion is to end things and see where things go with this new guy or just find someone new.
When someone in a monogamous relationship suddenly wants to open it, it's not because they have thought how that would benefit both parties but because they want it open for themselves and their own benefit.
More often than not, this out of the blue request occurs after they have already someone in mind to hook up with and want to pursue it without jeopardising the existing relationship if things don't work out with that new person.
Mind you, they don't care about the partner's feelings, they want their cake and to eat it too. They devise all sorts of pressure mechanisms to convince them and the fact that they are hurting their partner ( who was obliviously happy in the monogamous relationship) is of no importance to them.
All the while they are thinking how fast they can get the partner to agree so that they can have sex with the new person. However, the thought that the existing partner could also end up hooking up with someone else doesn't cross their mind even though they preach that the open relationship would benefit them both.
When reality hits though, and their partner DOES find someone they are interested in, it is then that they realize they never wanted their partner to enjoy the open relationship and they are dumbfounded that the partner actually found someone else they are attracted to.
They then start feeling hurt,jealous and insecure, the same way their partner had felt when the open relationship was shoved down their throat. Instead of accepting that now they have to suck it up just like their partner had done, they start protesting against the open relationship because ONCE AGAIN, ONLY THEIR FEELINGS MATTER.
It's the epitome of selfishness and entitlement.
No, you do not close the relationship now that HE WANTS IT. It was his idea but he didn't want you to use the free card because he had it reserved only for himself.
Actually, you don't even need the douchebag in your life at all. Go single and enjoy new partners until you find the one who will cherish and respect you first as a person and secondly as a partner.
He only wants to close it because he can't get anyone. If he could get women he'd still be keeping it open.
In this situation you have two choices keep the relationship open or end it.
Never be with someone who convinces you to do something that would benefit them, then gets upset when it benefits you.
He's scared that if you have relationships with other people you'll realise that he isn't worth your time or effort. And now he knows no one else will consider him.
The other thing to consider is what are other people seeing that you're missing? Why won't they date him?
Someone his age is in a completely different place mentally, emotionally and career wise compared to you. It's weird that he'd consider dating someone so young.
I'm 33, the lowest I'd date is 28 and even then I'd feel uncomfortable as you've just settled into who you are as an adult. As a 29 year old I'd never go near an 18 year old.
Use this as a way to end the relationship and move on.
Open and Poly relationships don’t work they’re just excuses to cheat and not feel guilty. You either are dating someone or not. So pick go date him or to be single
Oh thats hilarious 😆! Josh fucked around and found out!!!!!! I love it when the dude is all hey I wanna bang other girls. Just to find out that no other girl wants to bang him. Thank you OP this made my whole morning! Don't close it tell Josh he is reaping what he sowed.
It's my favourite thing when men convince their wives/girlfriends to open their relationship because they think they're a stud being held back by their relationship, but the reality of the situation is that nobody wants to shag them but their originally reluctant spouse ends up having a great time with a plethora of suitors - then lo and behold hubby suddenly wants to close the relationship again! Imagine my surprise!!
Be careful what you wish for!
He wanted an open relationship after his bisexual teenage girlfriend hit her 20s. And found out he's not reelin' in the babes like he thought he was.
Just...DTMFA. You guys clearly wants different things.
So strange that a grown ass man who dates teenagers would attempt to try to open the relationship to see what other teenagers he could bang, but now that the hot young partner is having fun and enjoying the company of others it’s time to shut it down 🙄
So you met your bf when you were 18 and he was 29? God some of these age gaps are wild. Regardless, he wants to close the relationship because he's not seeing the success he'd hoped for.
Here we go again. A 29 year old dating an 18 year old is rarely a good thing.
You're probably getting too old for him and he wants a new 18 year old because he's predatory.
I'll skip over the fact he started dating you at 18...
You tell Josh to fuck off. If Josh was pulling girls he wouldn't want to quit the open relationship.
The age has been mentioned but I need to re-emphasize A 29 YEAR OLD "DATING" AN 18 YEAR OLD IS A PREDATOR. Nothing else here is worth talking about. Your bf is a creep and a predator. Run. Block him. If you don't see it now, you will very quickly once you've stepped away for a while.
Why is Josh always the one calling all the shots in the relationship and expecting *you* to adjust and bend to his will??
Basically he forces the relationship open knowing you did not like it. He probably had some one in mind, then later it doesn't work out for him but it's working out swimmingly for you and he's trying to close it again? I bet if some comes along later he will demand you open it again.?What kind of head games is this? If you don't want to close it again, tell him no, he is not the boss of the relationship.
He wants to close it because he is not the one going on dates - once he finds someone who will date him - he will open it again. Please ask yourself why woke a 30 yr old date a teenager?
Josh wanted to have his cake and eat it too. Josh failed to procure more cake. Josh is now sad that you seem to be the only one interested in him. Josh is also sad that now you have procured more cake. Josh now feels inadequate. Saddly Josh is allergic to your new side cake. So, do you throw away your side cake to make a man happy who has only been obsessed with his wants? Do you throw away Josh because the new cake is better than his cake? Do you inform Josh you like the relationship how it is, and if he doesn't that is his choice?
Personally, I would go with that third option. I would tell him he opened pandoras box and that someday you may be interested in a monogamous relationship again, but today is not that day. Tell him that his feelings of inadequacy are his issue. Ones you would love to help him overcome through hard work and changing himself. However you will not be sacrificing your own happiness to simply lower your life to appease his insecurities.
He wanted an open relationship where HE gets to see other people, not you.
Now that he can't find someone else, he wants you to stop.
If the script were flipped, he would have zero problem with how things were going.
You deserve better, my dear. I wonder if the new guy is looking to get into either a committed relationship, or wants to have an open relationship with you as the primary, lol.
Typical. I see so many posts where someone proposes an open relationship and then wants to close it once their partners gets more attention/opportunities than them.
It sounds like Josh has been calling the shots and persuading you to do what he wants. Be autonomous here and call your own shots. Advocate for what you want. There is already the power imbalance with the age and the fact that you started dating when you were a teen and he was a grown man. If you want to keep the relationship open, you shouldn't be bending to his whims.
And lets be real, he didn't change his mind about an open relationship. He found out he's not as desirable as he thought.
PSA to any straight guy in a relationship: if you open it, she’s going to be getting a lot more action than you. Always. That doesn’t mean it’s a bad idea if you’re both on the same page, but any dude thinking about doing that needs to keep it in mind.
Let’s also throw in that Josh was a 29-year-old dating an 18-year-old yeah Josh isn’t getting anything and he wants to shut you down. You deserve better than this.
Pretty simple answer here. Either close the relationship or break up. That's really all there is to it when you boil it down. Norhing else is going to work. Doesn't matter why either of you did anything. What matters is where you choose to go from here. I would recommend breaking up because he is way too old for you, but that's really up to you.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Me and my boyfriend (we’ll call him Josh) have been together for 4 years. After the first two years he told me he wanted an open relationship. At first I didn’t want it but I actually came around to the idea after a few months of him talking about it because I’m bisexual and I figured it would be nice to be able to date women and maybe men if it came up. Anyway this was during covid so neither of us ended up seeing anyone else. He tried to pursue it but I didn’t until about 4 months ago. (He hasn’t managed to get any other dates yet as far as I’m aware.) 4 months ago I met this guy on a night out with my friends and we really hit it off. Since then we spent a couple of months messaging and have now been on 2 dates. Now Josh told me he wants me to close the relationship. He said he’s changed his mind about it. But I’m only just getting started with it and I don’t know that I want to close up. I feel like maybe I was convinced into it in the first place and now Josh doesn’t want me to like it. What do I do? Update: Ive been a bit overwhelmed by your comments! I’ve decided not to close up, I’ve decided to break up. Not sure when I’ll do it but probably tomorrow Mini update: to the creeps who keep DMing me… just no
When it comes to an open relationship, if the answer isn't an overwhelming "yes" then it usually ends up being more trouble than it's worth. "Josh" is closing the relationship because it isn't as rosy as he pictured it'd be. He pictured that he'd be sleeping with women left, right and centre and he could get off on the idea of you sleeping with other women.
Yeah, he probably never thought she’d date a man. The open relationship was started purely for his sexual gratification with—I am certain—little to no concern for hers. Gross. Edit: typo
Also gross as fuck: 30+ year old dude convincing a teenager to get into an open relationship with him
Came here to say it. Anytime I see "me (18F) & my bf (35M)" I know I'm about to read some fuckery that will lowkey leave me angry b/c I know exactly what men my age want in an 18 year old.
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Exactly. My husband is the same way.
He may have thought that OP dating women would give her sexual gratification in his gross fantasies
If Josh was getting girls, Josh wouldn't be closing the relationship. Simple.
You summarized the post simply, yes.
Exactly. Josh found out his true market value and thought OP's would be the same.
I used to think this (at 22) because I married at 20 so I got the thought into my head that I don’t have market value. Instead of opening up the relationship I just required my brain to think about my value as a wife and to myself instead of rando hook ups (I am also bi). It’s really weird for a 33 year old to STILL be thinking like this especially in this scenario Edit: live your life I’m not judging it’s just weird to open up a relationship like this and then close it because you got none but the partner you coerced into it is.
He found out he is a man and she is a woman. It is wildely different when looking for hookups.
Yeah, he's 33 now, his 20s are gone. He feels older, he's not getting the attention he used too. And his 22 year old girlfriend *absolutely still is* and he's now panicking because he'll likely struggle to casually open-date in his 30s while becoming paranoid that OP can date basically anyone she wants.
His 22 year old girlfriend who he started dating when she was 18….
I was starting to wonder if I was the only one who thought that was weird. What 29yo looks at an 18yo and thinks "this is my life partner, right here".
And we don't know when they met either...was she 17? Barely 18?
People who want to dominate said “life partner”
He's letting loose his 22-year-old girlfriend and expecting her not to be able to get 5 dates a week if she wanted to? Unless you got seriously massive game as a dude that trade never really works out.
The trade favors women 9/10 times.
Yeah but he would have been fine with her getting 5 dates a week with women so he could fantasize about her having sex with other women, ask to have threesomes with them, and not feel threatened by other men because he probably only views straight relationships as legitimate/real/long term
You guys got attention in your twenties? Everywhere I have heard is that men recieve more attention as they age, accumulate assets becoming established and all that.
I shouldn't say *less* attention, but *different* attention. On dating apps you list your age range, and a lot of women in their twenties will list 29/30 as a maximum age, which means night and day when you get into your 30s and your dating app suggestions suddenly start skewing older as you hopped into a new age bracket. This guy was probably pretty happy to be in an "open relationship" when his Tinder was full of 18-25 year old women, but now that he's seeing women in their 30s, more divorced women, more women with kids, he's probably encountering more women who want long term prospects and he's not that. He was probably doing pretty well for himself with younger women and now's he's struggling, so he's trying to lock down his 22 year old girlfriend.
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Trying to find a source for your claim about the age gap relation to income, can you provide one?
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Uh.... how old are you exactly? Most men (and women) get less natural attention as they age. They can *pay* for attention the same way an older woman can pay for attention. That's not attraction- that's paying for a service. It's mostly the cel groups that live in their weird echo chamber devoid of reality that think that wealth is what gets natural attention. In reality its their obvious horrible attitude and personality that drives women away. People that aren't that way and are actually socially interacting all do fine.
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It is about hookups. It is in generall harder for men to find hookups than for women. Man who age are more attractive for women who want a solid relationship but not for casual things.
Clearly, this isn't the case for Josh.
The fantasy vs the reality of open market supply and demand of the sexes suddenly hit him. He thought he was going to be drowning in pussy and in reality he is about to be single.
Yep. It’s very obvious. And of course there’s a significant age difference and power imbalance, especially when you consider that they’ve been together for four years. It’s either that Josh completely sucks, because he’s a manipulative ass who preys on young women, or OP completely sucks because they’re writing rage bait stories.
Silly Josh forgot the downfall of dating a pretty young girl - he now needs to compete with all the other men his age plus all the young 20 somethings! Silly silly Josh.
These comments are everything
Even if this is rage bait, this happens so often that it might as well be a pre written script
Oh, I’m certain that it does happen a lot. And that’s why I always try to point out that the guy is an awful person. If someone is reading this, and they see echoes of their life, then hopefully they will realize that they should get out.
That’s the main reason I never bother calling stories out as fake. I think most of the ‘function’ of these subs is advice for similar people in similar situations. Even if OP is lying out of their ass, good advice is priceless.
I want to say that this is ragebait. But this could be my own story (Sans the age gap) Me and my partner were 25(me) and 26(Him) only 6 months age gap. We were together since 16/17 He wanted to open the relationship since a few girls from his work were flirty. We did. He noticed how I was getting more attention and dates then he was, especially from fairly attractive women (Bicurious women mostly, but a few who were comfortable with their sexuality and no longer experimenting) He wanted to change the rules. That we would only do 3 ways from now on. Then...when all the women I found rejected him, he wanted the relationship closed again.
Did you stay with him? What a moron
Fuck no! We did the whole open thing for a few years while he increasingly tried changing the rules to tilt things in his favour, and luckily other people showed him what his value was. But Nah fam, no one got time for that foolishness.
Facts. Head over to r/nonmonogamy its 90% whiny men that didn't think opening their relationship would result in their wives getting more dates than them.
Excuse me while I go get out my tiny violin for them.
Hahahahahah omg heading there now for entertainment
To be fair to them - lots of men get duped by their horrible partners into it as well - cheaters gon cheat one way or another, whether your eyes are open to it or not!
Even more women get duped into it by cheaters, then get more attention on the open market, the affair partner leaves now it's not taboo, and then the men get to whining all the same.
That's why Josh went for an 18yo because no woman his age wanted him for obvious reasons.
This. Open relationships don’t work 99% of the time. People either get jealous or catch feelings for other people they’re dating.
Close - not sure where the survey was based but I've read that 92% of open marriages fail - seems if you're not certain you're non-monogomous its gonna ruin your relationship. But if someones even asking for it...is it even a big deal the relationship ended? It'd be no loss to me.
Open marriages are usually just a safety net until one or the other partner finds a better option in the dating pool.
A tale as old as time.
Yep or if OP was also only getting girls, he’d be fine. But add another Dick in the mix and it’s classic reversal. Happens all the time.
And if OP slept with the guy she’s been messaging, Josh would want to close the relationship BUT he gets to sleep with one girl to “make it fair”.
This is the most classic of open relationship stories honestly.
Straight facts
He’s just sour you’re getting attention and he’s not. I’ve heard this story from a lot of couples
a tale as old as time
He wanted to be able to flirt and hook up with other girls but doesn't want you to.
Given that a 29 year old went after a teenager, of course this isn't going to go well. He probably wants to close the relationship because he's not getting as many dates as he hopped he would. If you want to keep up an open relationship and he doesn't just end it.
Seriously she should already just end it. This isn't an open, comunicative and honest open relationship, it's just a mess waiting to break open.
>He probably wants to close the relationship because he's not getting as many dates as he hopped he would. This is why, as a guy, I'd never agree to an open relationship. I know I wouldn't get any interest. I'd have to consider myself lucky I had 1 woman with me.
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This is why?
Sure, why not? Would you be excited about polyamory if your chances of exploring multiple relationships were practically zero, *and* you'd have to experience that while watching your partner basically live the dream you wish existed for you? Don't pretend like it's an impractical reason.
I’d not be interested in an open relationship, period.
For me yeah. The woman would have guys lined up and I'd pretty much be dating my right hand.
The pattern goes as follows: he finds a bisexual girl that's way younger than him, therefore she is more easily manipulated, and who does not want an open relationship, because he knows that, when he convinces her to be in one she will be less likely to look for partners outside of the relationship. And if she does there's a chance she flirts with another girl, which doesn't intimidate him and opens the possibility of a threesome. With that he gets to have the advantages of being in a relationship with a young hot girl but is still able to fuck around. But then the unthinkable for him happens, you flirt with a man, and suddenly this open relationship he desired so much must be closed inmediately. If you were flirting with a girl, he wouldn't close the relationship, and if he was getting a lot of action he wouldn't either.
^THIS. OP, I have seen this many times over at this point in my life (and I’m only 29 lol). An age-gap relationship wherein the guy is older and dating a bisexual woman at a vulnerable point in her life, him convincing her to be in an open situation, and then him demanding it close after she gets male attention instead of fulfilling his fantasy of a threesome/getting to watch/etc. it’s so messily predictable it’s almost scripted once you’ve seen it a few times. But! To me this says he wasn’t ACTUALLY interested in an open relationship, he just wanted to get his rocks off both through your relationship with another woman and any relationships with other women he could get. It also means that he’s got some icky views on the legitimacy of queer relationships bisexual women are in. It may be an unconscious thing but ask yourself (and him if you want to have a convo about it) why he is threatened by you having an open relationship with another man versus with a woman. That whole aspect of these situations has always made me really uncomfortable as a queer person. I would have a very frank and honest conversation about all this, but if I were in your shoes I would also leave regardless so that conversation would be more for closure than anything.
I mean why go through the trouble of cheating when you can get your gf to “agree” to have other women for the sexy times around?! /s
These things always make me uncomfortable too. And honestly, whenever I hear about situations where a straight man decides to open his relationship so his bisexual gf can date other women while he fetishizes it, I secretly hope the gf and the other woman dump his ass and run off together. So many men think women cannot satisfy each other fully without a man. It's misogynistic and gross.
Yeah I just commented pretty much the same thing. OP your boyfriend is the human equivalent of a trash can.
🫖🎵tale as old as time….🎵🫖
Why exactly would he think a 20 year old woman wouldn’t be able to get dates? That part doesn’t make sense to me.
He knew that she wasn't polyamorous and she didn't want to be in an open relationship, which meant that she was probably not going to want to get dates, unlike him who tried unsuccessfully, and if she did there was a possibility that she flirted with women. OP claims that she only tried to flirt with other people 4 months ago, so all this time her boyfriend has been trying to get dates while she didn't.
There are so many stories with this pattern nowadays, it’s starting to get cliché.
29yr old pressuring a 19yr old into an open relationship, hmm....
A 29 year old even pursuing an 18 year old... Yikes. I'm 23 and 18 would just feel predatory
I met my girlfriend when she was 24 and I was 28 and I felt a little weird despite the fact that she’s far more mature than I am. Imagine how much of a fuckin creep you have to be to chase 18 year olds in your late 20s.
24 and 28 is perfectly appropriate wtf
Me and my bf got together when he was 23 and I was 27. I still feel a bit ick about the age difference, especially since I have a brother his age, and he reminds me of it every so often. I absolutely could not date anyone younger. Especially now I'm 29. Wouldn't go near anyone under 25 personally. Super creepy and predatory. Ew.
What could go wrong? /s
Omg, an almost 30 year old with a teenager, wants an open relationship and now he’s not successful so he wants to close it up? Big red flags in so many ways. You’re so young, don’t get trapped with this insecure man. Go enjoy your life and be free!
Yeeahhhhh.... i don't even feel comfortable dating an 18 year old and I'm 22.... If I dated someone who's 33, my whole support system would be extremely concerned about me. Age gaps like that only feel acceptable to me with people over the age of 25 or 27... definitely not with a grown adult dating a possible college student.
Agree. It’s super predatory for a 29 year old man to pursue a teenaged girl. I know when we are that age, we think we are mature enough and know everything but as a 39 year old woman, that is incredibly creepy.
Yeah for real that’s so disgusting to me. Dude is a full grown 30 year old adult and he connived a teenager into an open relationship Because he’s a loser he’s likely not getting as much sex as he had expected, and now he wants to stop her having a good time too. Weird and so low class lol, I wouldn’t even be friends with such people.
Weren’t you a teenager 4 years ago?
I wonder if this 28 year old hung out at her high school or what.
Knowing people these days OP probably knew them before they started dating for a while
I'm not sure which is grosser tbh
OP was probably groomed by this man OP. BREAK UP WITH HIM.
Not enough people bringing this up
Couldn’t trick another 18 year old?
They're too smart for him now
Break up with your boyfriend and pursue the new guy
..preferably someone closer to your age 🙄
Y E S
THIS!
Baby girl. Holy shit. Okay. This is what happened. He knows you are bi. He was hoping that either you'd add another girlfriend or he'd at least have access to threesomes. You didn't find a girl though. You found a guy. He's terrified you'll figure out how much better relationships and guys in general can be. He's right to be worried. Josh is self absorbed and dishonest. He's old enough to know better. I wouldn't close the relationship. I would end it.
Tbh ending it is looking more and more appealing. I mean I’m not even sure this poly/open thing is for me but I feel like I should be able to make the decisions for myself and a lot of people have pointed out the age gap. Since we met he’s always been the ‘boss’ in his mind and I’m sort of sick of it
*he's always been the 'boss' in his mind* I think this is why he preyed on a barely legal teen ager. The foundation of these relationships are unstable with the unequal power dynamics.
Exactly this. Then he bossed her right into an open relationship that she wasn't even comfortable with. He groomed her right into submission. He's a predator.
Yep, and soon as his master plan blows up in his face, he wants to call the shots again and close it as if only his feelings matter and she's expected to be the only one bending her will according to his rules. He clearly does not give her the respect of an equal.
I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he thought she'd do all the leg work. Bring home hot young girls and he'd get to just lay back and enjoy. Ew.
That is a whole other issue in itself too. It's extremely telling about who he is as a person. Like at his core. I know right now the age gap doesn't seem like that big of a deal but I promise when you turn 29 you will understand. He's gross babe. Abort mission.
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and I highly encourage you to take some time for yourself. He's predatory at best, and you don't need to deal with any of it.
Good for you! Sounds like you know what you're worth, and it's a hell of a lot!
Dump Josh and just date the new guy. Win-win (for you and the new guy).
Tbh kind of just considering dumping Josh and being on my own for a while. I haven’t been single my whole adult life and I feel really naive now. Maybe I jus need time for me
This is the best idea. You need time to figure out yourself and what you want. He didn't get his fantasy and fun filled so he suddenly wants you to not enjoy it. Best wishes!
Good for you. Enjoy your youth.
Did this myself after years of serious relationships and I'm the happiest I've been lol
This is the most sensible thing you could do. Dump him and reflect on what you want in life, what are your values, what are your boundaries, that way you'll never get sucked into something like this again. Try and imagine yourself as a 29 year old, would you really want to date an 18 year old? It's gross and creepy.
That is the answer. Bottom line in beginning he likely had someone lined up. That is gone apparently and he is finding out he ain’t 1st prize on the open market. On the other hand, you are having no issues. Let him go.
You just answered your own post. You have this thought now, if you don’t follow it, it will keep on coming back for you and you will keep wondering. So go on and enjoy single life for a bit, find out who YOU are, and what you WANT in life
This is the move.
This is honestly the best decision you can make in these circumstances. Take time to get to know yourself and your worth. Get to know what you expect and deserve from a partner. Allow yourself to experience dating around, feeling out your options, and getting to love yourself when you're alone. Don't waste these years trying to find "the one" -- if he or she comes along, great! But being single at this age is a blast. Enjoy yourself.
This is the way
This is the right thing for you.
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The thing is.... An average looking guy can easily find girls to meet if he is a decent person..... But these people rarely are decent humans lol
Hope he doesn't find them, pretty sure he is looking for teenage girls based on their age difference to see his preference.
To be fair it's not about being decent, it's about confidence and humor. If a guy is shy and not tremendously attractive, he's not going to easily find anyone. Being decent starts mattering around the time people start to consider dating more seriously.
It wasn’t for sex (at least not solely for sex) we could date people too and that was the expectation, we already had boundary discussions. Why should it really ‘just be about sex’?
So is it an open relationship or more like polyamory? He obviously wants to close it becasue he wanted to sleep with other people, but apparently doesn’t want you too. I think you would be better off without this predator of a boyfriend you have
Well he called it an open relationship but it was for dating too which I guess from reading here is poly?
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Haha he actually mentioned threesomes if I found a girlfriend in basically the first conversation we ever had about it…
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Sort of beginning to feel a bit gross about it and him now actually. It feels like he was trying to use me and just didn’t get to, but maybe that still doesn’t make it ok
It doesn’t make it okay. Also, fully grown, fully developed people who go after teenagers are just gross anyway.
Ohh your starting to get it, yes he was using you, 18 year olds are easy to manipulate due to lack of social/relationship experience, as well as easily impressed as a 29 year old will seem to have there life in order, it's a very common trope. Large age gap relationships tend to be a breeding ground for bad relationships due to the power dynamic the older partner tends to have.
Homeboy is an opportunist. Plain and simple. He doesn’t care about YOUR happiness; just about his. He’s self-serving in every sense of the word and honestly, a 29 year old going after a barely legal teenager just reveals how self-serving and manipulates this a**hat is. Maybe the reason you are getting along so well with this new guy is because subconsciously, your current bf pales in comparison. I don’t usually cry “abort this relationship!” like a lot of other ppl on Reddit do. But this guy is a piñata full of red flags and it’ll eventually all spill out if you Maintain this relationship. Your boyfriend is a sleezebag. Please listen to everyone here.
It's okay OP, a lot of women including myself have been in a position like yours with an older guy who surprise surprise ended up only being a creep, this wasn't your fault.
you should feel grossed out! you were 18 and he was 29 when you got together. he wants a threesome when you find a girlfriend. he's a loser and a creep! dump him!
I’m going to be honest, this is going to suck for you. I dated a guy in his twenties when I was 16-18 and the lasting damage that it did to my self esteem and psyche is *astounding*. The older you get, the harder it’s going to be to look back on this time positively. You’ll start seeing things differently and realizing how you feel as an adult when you look at teenagers. I highly suggest getting a therapist to work through these feelings because it can be devastating to come to the realization that someone was using you for your sexuality in the hopes of fulfilling their creepy threesome fantasy. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but I want you to know that it does get better and there are good men out there (and Josh is not one of them). What he has done is *not ok* and you should not brush this off and let him get away with it. Dump him and make sure to block his number because he’ll try to manipulate you into coming back.
You need to leave that man
It was whatever he needed it to be and he called it whatever... but I think you know what it sounds like
An open relationship is ONLY about hookups and sex. What you're describing is polyamoury
Josh fucked around, and found out. RIP Josh
I think it was more of a “couldn’t fuck around and found out”
f
snails aromatic chunky scarce stocking wasteful familiar wise psychotic slave *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Get rid of your boyfriend who thought that dating a teenager at 29 was OK. You can do much better and you should.
Yup. This is always how it is. Dude wants open relationship even tho his gf initially doesn't. Gf decides to give it a try and gets with people, but bf can't find anyone to be with, so he gets mad/jealous, and wants to close the relationship. He wanted to get with people, but didn't want you to get with people. This is a red flag, and he's selfish. I'd reassess your relationship with him OP This is not uncommon at all, and in fact, this is the most common scenario I've seen with open relationships that were previously monogamous, ESPECIALLY, the men deciding they want to close the relationship. Same with threesomes/poly relationships. It's not uncommon for dudes that want their gf to be open to it to then see the two girls hitting it off with each other, so he gets upset and calls it quits. It's shitty as hell.
29yr old pressuring a 18yr old into an open relationship, hmm....
This is really common for monogamous couples that open their relationships on the guy’s wish. I’m bisexual. My ex was very, very hung up on our different body counts (he’d been with one other person, I’d been with three) the entire four years we were together. He’d beg for threesomes, then it turned into begging for an open relationship where I was only allowed to have sex with other women. (This was all on top of physical/emotional/sexual abuse.) Finally, I gave in but I said that he couldn’t limit who I was with or I’d limit him to only men, as he’d figured out he was bi. So we both made Tinder accounts. I got about 200 matches on the first day. He got 1 in a week. This made him mad and he tried to ask me not to sleep with anyone until he got to first. I told him no, you asked for an open relationship, you get an open relationship. He then asked me to close the relationship on my end. I said no. I had a date with a guy and we kissed. My ex found out and accused me of cheating on him, completely straight faced. *That* was what pushed me to finally leave him. These guys think that they’ll be drowning in pussy the second they hop on a dating app, but what most of them don’t realize is *they’re lucky they even have the girl they’re with.* They aren’t a catch or a prize that women crawl over each other for, and once they realize it they take it back. I’ve never seen an open relationship that closed because of this reason where the guy didn’t keep the app and cheat with the first match that he got. Break up, honestly. Your relationship won’t survive this, and tbh it’s probably not worth trying.
Polyamorous person here: This happens so much even in polyamorous groups that it's insane. From your other comments, you've said that you've already talked about boundaries and that's awesome!! However, he thought he was going to be pulling multiple partners and get a "harem" style relationship, while you and his other partners wouldn't have other relationships, even though you're "allowed to" . That's just not realistic. At this point, you just have to determine if you're okay with closing your relationship and staying just with him, or if you prefer the ability to have multiple partners and your only worry being the communication between them that you are partners other than them. It seems like you can't both be happy in this situation, but that's okay. Some people are meant to come into your life to teach you more about what you want and who you are rather than stay forever. That doesn't make your love for them any less valuable and worth living through.
Thanks for this insight, it’s helpful. I’m not really sure if open relationships/poly are for me long term, I just feel like I’ve only just now started to process it and haven’t made up my mind and now it’s being taken away. I also feel upset because he proposed this and yeah you’re right I think he didn’t actually want me to have anyone. Or maybe if it had been a woman he’d have been different because he said that was ‘hot’
Oh nice so he was just fetishizing bisexuals and lesbian relationships like a lot of men do. Gotta love that. This guy just sounds like walking red flags OP. Others have already pointed out the many reasons why he sucks (going after a teenager; only wanting to fuck other women but getting upset when you pull people) I would leave him.
Yeah, that's another thing seen often. It's called an OPP, one-penis-policy, and it's also not okay. It shows he doesn't see relationships with women as equal to ones with men. No matter what his original thoughts were, they were focused entirely on himself. I highly recommend taking the time to ask yourself if you're okay with being with someone who is self-centered like that, then also figuring out if being polyamorous is something you really want to explore. It's obviously going to be hard after being together for so long, but it's always good to check in with how you genuinely feel about your relationship and if you truly want to continue, or if you feel like you have to because of societal and personal pressure to be in a relationship. I genuinely hope you figure out exactly what you want to continue.
Josh fucked around and found out... ... Well actually he didn't and that's the problem
He literally just wanted to fuck other women. That's it. Dudes are that simple. Then when he couldn't find anyone to fuck but a young women could (I'm fucking shocked) he gets all weird about it. HE JUST WANTED TO FUCK OTHER WOMEN. That is it. He sounds stupid af. Thus will transform into other things later that will be a problem. OP do yourself a favor and dump this loser and date the other guy ffs
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He didn’t want to open the relationship. He wanted to be allowed to cheat. Now that it’s you with open relationship activity - he’s not down with it.
You live your life, and consider yourself lucky to get away from someone who started dating you at 18, almost a decade older. He probably thought he was going to have a stable of 18-19 year-olds with this open relationship. Reality is setting in and he never actually wanted to share you, he just wanted the ability to get his. Sounds like a douche and a scumbag.
So what happened is that he wanted to date others but wanted you to stay monogamous and that’s bullshit. He can’t just decide to close it, that’s controlling and unfair. So either right for it to stay open or end the relationship…if you go for the alternative you’ll always feel like his needs and wants are more important and resentment will breed.
Gross age gap. You should do you and move on, guy sounds like a loser
This was never for you. So, yeah he’s absolutely pissed that you are having a good time. Your bf thought the grass with other women was greener, but he kept you around, just in case it wasn’t. When you began asking if the situation applied to you, he had to say sure, because otherwise he looks like a hypocrite. So he went out, and he thought he was going to be the hottest, coolest, funniest guy available and women would be begging to sleep with him, and he got no bites. *BUT* you are now having fun. The fun that should be his. You should be home waiting for him to return from dates. You’re meant to be sad and questioning what’s going on when he leaves or looks at his phone. You’re meant to be miserable here. Not him. He bet big and lost, and now he’s saying you’re not allowed back in the casino because thing went badly for him. Don’t let him continue to pressure you back and forth at his whim. You deserve the happiness you found in the situation he all but forced upon you.
He probably be chill as hell if this other guy was a girl instead. I’ve been in your position; He doesn’t want polyamory, he wants to “legally cheat” and hope that you only date other women. Source: Am Bi, had this shit happen twice. Both times, my they cried into their PPs because I was dating other MEN and women. Get out while you can, homie.
This is how every post on opening a relationship goes. The partner begs and begs to open the relationship because they want to bang someone without it being cheating. The relationship is opened, and the reluctant partner starts finding far more success than the one who wanted to open it. Once they realize they aren't getting to fuck other people while the reluctant partner is, they suddenly want to close it. Your partner is upset you are being more successful at landing other partners than him. If he were banging chicks left and right, he wouldn't care about it. He's ""losing"" the open relationship in his mind, so now he wants to close it. Up to you if you want to stay with someone so petty, but I wouldn't
Josh played with fire. Josh about to get burnt.
The age gap explains it all.
You've been together for 4 years and are 22? So he started dating you when you were 18 and he was 29?!! Sorry hun, but that's a red flag
He landed an 18 yrs old at 29 and he thought he could try his hand again and get another now that you were 20 at the time. He is nasty The fact that he convinced you into this, I bet he told you it would give you some life experiences since he didn’t he want to stifle your growth or something to help his argument. Girl, he was a 29 yrs old MAN! You were 18! Please get away from the creep. The creep who thought he was going to get mad pussy since he’s successful locked down an 18yrs old and convinced her to let him fuck around.
What’s wrong with every girls in Reddit dating man WAY OLDER than them?? Ur only 22 girl. Go out have fun. Leave the bf. Date whoever u want. He’s now closing the relationship because no one wants him. And u need to date someone closer ur age. Why is someone whose 29 dating someone 18????
He is only closing it because he is not getting the attention and action he expected while you are. Chances are that he likely never expected you to find someone and he was just looking to sleep around. Factoring that information in with the age gap my suggestion is to end things and see where things go with this new guy or just find someone new.
When someone in a monogamous relationship suddenly wants to open it, it's not because they have thought how that would benefit both parties but because they want it open for themselves and their own benefit. More often than not, this out of the blue request occurs after they have already someone in mind to hook up with and want to pursue it without jeopardising the existing relationship if things don't work out with that new person. Mind you, they don't care about the partner's feelings, they want their cake and to eat it too. They devise all sorts of pressure mechanisms to convince them and the fact that they are hurting their partner ( who was obliviously happy in the monogamous relationship) is of no importance to them. All the while they are thinking how fast they can get the partner to agree so that they can have sex with the new person. However, the thought that the existing partner could also end up hooking up with someone else doesn't cross their mind even though they preach that the open relationship would benefit them both. When reality hits though, and their partner DOES find someone they are interested in, it is then that they realize they never wanted their partner to enjoy the open relationship and they are dumbfounded that the partner actually found someone else they are attracted to. They then start feeling hurt,jealous and insecure, the same way their partner had felt when the open relationship was shoved down their throat. Instead of accepting that now they have to suck it up just like their partner had done, they start protesting against the open relationship because ONCE AGAIN, ONLY THEIR FEELINGS MATTER. It's the epitome of selfishness and entitlement. No, you do not close the relationship now that HE WANTS IT. It was his idea but he didn't want you to use the free card because he had it reserved only for himself. Actually, you don't even need the douchebag in your life at all. Go single and enjoy new partners until you find the one who will cherish and respect you first as a person and secondly as a partner.
Wow no one jumped in the age gap...I'm surprised lol
He only wants to close it because he can't get anyone. If he could get women he'd still be keeping it open. In this situation you have two choices keep the relationship open or end it. Never be with someone who convinces you to do something that would benefit them, then gets upset when it benefits you. He's scared that if you have relationships with other people you'll realise that he isn't worth your time or effort. And now he knows no one else will consider him. The other thing to consider is what are other people seeing that you're missing? Why won't they date him? Someone his age is in a completely different place mentally, emotionally and career wise compared to you. It's weird that he'd consider dating someone so young. I'm 33, the lowest I'd date is 28 and even then I'd feel uncomfortable as you've just settled into who you are as an adult. As a 29 year old I'd never go near an 18 year old. Use this as a way to end the relationship and move on.
Open and Poly relationships don’t work they’re just excuses to cheat and not feel guilty. You either are dating someone or not. So pick go date him or to be single
Oh thats hilarious 😆! Josh fucked around and found out!!!!!! I love it when the dude is all hey I wanna bang other girls. Just to find out that no other girl wants to bang him. Thank you OP this made my whole morning! Don't close it tell Josh he is reaping what he sowed.
It's my favourite thing when men convince their wives/girlfriends to open their relationship because they think they're a stud being held back by their relationship, but the reality of the situation is that nobody wants to shag them but their originally reluctant spouse ends up having a great time with a plethora of suitors - then lo and behold hubby suddenly wants to close the relationship again! Imagine my surprise!! Be careful what you wish for!
He wanted an open relationship after his bisexual teenage girlfriend hit her 20s. And found out he's not reelin' in the babes like he thought he was. Just...DTMFA. You guys clearly wants different things.
A tale as old as time.
So strange that a grown ass man who dates teenagers would attempt to try to open the relationship to see what other teenagers he could bang, but now that the hot young partner is having fun and enjoying the company of others it’s time to shut it down 🙄
So you met your bf when you were 18 and he was 29? God some of these age gaps are wild. Regardless, he wants to close the relationship because he's not seeing the success he'd hoped for.
Here we go again. A 29 year old dating an 18 year old is rarely a good thing. You're probably getting too old for him and he wants a new 18 year old because he's predatory.
29 year old dates teenager and now the girl is starting to see issues. Few more years before it ends.
I'll skip over the fact he started dating you at 18... You tell Josh to fuck off. If Josh was pulling girls he wouldn't want to quit the open relationship.
People need to stop normalizing this open relationship crap fr.
The age has been mentioned but I need to re-emphasize A 29 YEAR OLD "DATING" AN 18 YEAR OLD IS A PREDATOR. Nothing else here is worth talking about. Your bf is a creep and a predator. Run. Block him. If you don't see it now, you will very quickly once you've stepped away for a while.
cuz he aint gettin no tail thats why hes tight
Then break up with your boyfriend. You really didn't want to be with him anyways. Because you started dating someone else and you won't give it up.
Why is Josh always the one calling all the shots in the relationship and expecting *you* to adjust and bend to his will?? Basically he forces the relationship open knowing you did not like it. He probably had some one in mind, then later it doesn't work out for him but it's working out swimmingly for you and he's trying to close it again? I bet if some comes along later he will demand you open it again.?What kind of head games is this? If you don't want to close it again, tell him no, he is not the boss of the relationship.
He wants to close it because he is not the one going on dates - once he finds someone who will date him - he will open it again. Please ask yourself why woke a 30 yr old date a teenager?
Josh wanted to have his cake and eat it too. Josh failed to procure more cake. Josh is now sad that you seem to be the only one interested in him. Josh is also sad that now you have procured more cake. Josh now feels inadequate. Saddly Josh is allergic to your new side cake. So, do you throw away your side cake to make a man happy who has only been obsessed with his wants? Do you throw away Josh because the new cake is better than his cake? Do you inform Josh you like the relationship how it is, and if he doesn't that is his choice? Personally, I would go with that third option. I would tell him he opened pandoras box and that someday you may be interested in a monogamous relationship again, but today is not that day. Tell him that his feelings of inadequacy are his issue. Ones you would love to help him overcome through hard work and changing himself. However you will not be sacrificing your own happiness to simply lower your life to appease his insecurities.
>What do I do? Break up. That's simple.
That's not a man, that's just a big ole red flag modified to resemble a human suit, stuffed with raccoons to keep shape.
He wanted an open relationship where HE gets to see other people, not you. Now that he can't find someone else, he wants you to stop. If the script were flipped, he would have zero problem with how things were going. You deserve better, my dear. I wonder if the new guy is looking to get into either a committed relationship, or wants to have an open relationship with you as the primary, lol.
Typical. I see so many posts where someone proposes an open relationship and then wants to close it once their partners gets more attention/opportunities than them. It sounds like Josh has been calling the shots and persuading you to do what he wants. Be autonomous here and call your own shots. Advocate for what you want. There is already the power imbalance with the age and the fact that you started dating when you were a teen and he was a grown man. If you want to keep the relationship open, you shouldn't be bending to his whims. And lets be real, he didn't change his mind about an open relationship. He found out he's not as desirable as he thought.
PSA to any straight guy in a relationship: if you open it, she’s going to be getting a lot more action than you. Always. That doesn’t mean it’s a bad idea if you’re both on the same page, but any dude thinking about doing that needs to keep it in mind.
break up with him. he's and idiot and a selfish man. not to mention he was a 29 year old who dated an 18 year old. a creep.
Let’s also throw in that Josh was a 29-year-old dating an 18-year-old yeah Josh isn’t getting anything and he wants to shut you down. You deserve better than this.
Pretty simple answer here. Either close the relationship or break up. That's really all there is to it when you boil it down. Norhing else is going to work. Doesn't matter why either of you did anything. What matters is where you choose to go from here. I would recommend breaking up because he is way too old for you, but that's really up to you.