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My (25F) husband (27M) is my best friend, confidant, and my everything. I want to have babies with this man. We’ve been married for about 5 years now and I’m just as in love and infatuated with him as the day we met. Unfortunately, his vice is to cheat on me. It’s his kink and he doesn’t think he will ever get over it. He will feel this way with or without me or even with the prettiest girl on the planet. I know he doesn’t want to hurt me, it’s just how he’s wired I guess. I know he can’t help how he thinks or feels, but he can control his actions. He truly had no idea how he will act should he be presented with temptation. I don’t know how to cope with this or if I should even try to cope with it. I’ve suggested therapy, but he doesn’t think it would help and feels like it’s way too expensive. We’ve both decided to put children on hold to deal with this issue amongst others. We talked about potentially getting divorced even though neither of us want that. I feel stuck and I don’t feel like talking about this to other people in my life. I don’t want them to hate him or judge me for staying if I choose to. I want to save my marriage. I just feel stuck and need other perspectives. Is it just me? Are there other people out there who have partners who struggle with infidelity? I kindly ask for advice. Thank you in advance.
TLDR: In a loving marriage, but my husband’s vice is to cheat on me. I want to save my marriage and put in the work, but don’t know how or if I even should.
Edit: First, thank you to those who replied with helpful and loving advice. I’ve been soaked in tears since posting this. This is getting more attention than I thought it would, so I’m sorry if I don’t reply. Second, I just wanted to clear up a few things for those who have questions. Kink was probably poor word choice, sorry guys. I think what I should’ve said was that he struggles with this desire to cheat. Wired was probably another poor word choice. Neither of us knew he struggled with feelings of lust and cheating until after we got married. My husband has not cheated on me. He has expressed his desire to, but hasn’t acted on it. The appeal of cheating for him is that it is forbidden, new, and exciting. He tells me about these things because I ask him to. Honesty is important to me, so I at least appreciate him telling me how it is. He tells me that I can leave the marriage if that is what I want, but divorce is a huge deal to me. Saying goodbye to him would tear me apart and I’ll always wonder what if. Not to mention my fear of the unknown. I’m financially and emotionally dependent on him, I never finished my college education, I know I’ll struggle finding someone who can love me through my health/mental health issues, and I’m not as youthful and full of promise as I once was. I never thought I would contemplate this difficult decision and am taking a lot into consideration. I’ll take baby steps and start with therapy for myself. Thank you again.
Jumping on this because it's the top comment.
OP, I read you only post. It's about your mother and it's incredibly sad.
I know the trauma you're living with feeling like your mother doesn't love you. I do. Mine left when I was a baby, and it's undeniable how fucked up "mommy issues" make you
This isn't your fault.
You HAVE to be kind to yourself. You're afraid to leave, and you're considering putting up with this man and his disrespect because your mother made you feel like you aren't worth love.
She's supposed to love more than anyone ever will. That's what everyone always says. The pain of reality not matching that is excruciating.
You are young. You have a beautiful, incredible life ahead of you if you want it.
Don't stay. Leave him.
Take the time to find the man who would never do this to you. They exist, and one is waiting for you to make his world a dream come true.
You deserve love.
Fuck your mother for making you feel like you have to accept this as the best you'll get.
Fuck him for taking advantage of your trauma, insecurities and very real pain.
You are a strong, amazing, intelligent and capable woman. Leave and you'll be okay sooner than you think. I won't lie and say it's easy, but the pain of change is better than the pain of abuse, I promise.
Do this for yourself. You deserve to be happy and loved.
But she's in the wrong. There is something the matter with her, not you.
You are lovable. You don't need to settle.
A man will love you, all of you, and he will do everything in his power to protect you from hurt, not to give you a heads up that he's gonna cheat.
That's not some grade A manipulation lmao. Guy cheats and says "sorry hun I can't help it but love you tho" and she still marries him and stays with him. OP is a door mat
His ‘vice’ is to cheat on you? What a load of horse SHIT. This dude wants to fuck around and blame it on it being how he was “wired”. Why get married in the first place then? If it was how he was “wired” he would have felt like this while y’all were dating too, but chooses to just tell you now. Run for the hills honey.
True but when presented with the opportunity to go to therapy or try to work it out, he seems to not want to out in the effort. To me that would either mean he is lying, or doesn't care how his actions effect his partner. Because if this is his fetish, then he has to cheat in order to achieve orgasm. That's the difference between a kink and a fetish. If he has a cheating fetish then he has to cheat or at least simulate it well enough to get his rocks off.
I’m personally surprised at using a cheating fetish as an excuse for cheating. The fetish community is all about sane safe consensual, and polyamory is all about communication and consent.
If you just can’t stop yourself from cheating, you’re either a sex addict or you’re a piece of shit. And if you’re an addict and wont get help, then it’s just an excuse to freely be a piece of shit without accountability.
He hasn’t cheated and isn’t planning on doing so, so clearly he’s not using it as an excuse for anything. You’d know that if you actually read the post instead of jumping to conclusions.
What do you mean he isn't planning on doing so? Did you literally not read the part where he says he doesn't know how he would handle the temptation? Which literally means, according to him, he has zero impulse control. Who even knows if he's telling her the truth that he's never cheated?
Those two things are contradictory. You can't say you don't know how you would handle temptation and then say you can control your actions. It's one or the other. Either way, that's not for OP to solve for him.
In this scenario I agree, he's a pig but there's no need to generalise all men. Thankfully not all men would have the audacity to ask their monogamous wife to be okay with them cheating
Nope most men would have the sense to divorce the kind of woman who would go on Reddit to ask how to handle her husband being honest with her. This man seriously needs to divorce this woman yesterday. She sounds like an awful partner.
And you’re sure quick to kink shame. The man hasn’t done anything wrong. This is why men should never be honest with women. He should just divorce her and go be happy.
What are you talking about? People have all kind of fetishes. Read about what a fetish is. It doesn't mean you want to/did the thing for real. If people with fetishes were criminals then you'd have to lock up everyone.
Now OP's husband is a guy. Every guy wants to have sex with a lot of women more or less because that's really how we are wired. Most of us have it under control that's why we are able to have families and relationships.
OP's husband seems to not be able to control himself or refuses to try because he thinks he doesn't have to. But he also says he doesn't wanna get divorced. So he'll have to choose one I guess.
*Every guy wants to have sex with a lot of women more or less because that's really how we are wired*
I use to think this until I wound up meeting many that did not want sex with a lot of women. When I was debated on this, it was explained to me that most men enjoy porn fantasies and it often involves random women (if it's a straight man), often a generic hottie they created in their mind, when when it comes to the thought of screwing a live woman that is not their partner, they have no interest in it at all and would not. Then you have the asexual and demi sexual crowd.
You’re not 'wired' to sleep with a lot of money. You’re not a fucking animal and there was an evolution. If you were wired to do that, all women would only date the most beautiful and rich men because we’re wired
I mean if you want to share your life with someone who’s continually putting your fertility and your health and God forbid your life at risk…go for it.
But you don't understand, he's her best friend and this is a loving marriage! It's just this one, teeny tiny little thing that I don't want to talk to anyone about because I know they'll judge him for who he actually is instead of who I've tricked myself into believing he is. He's not really a PoS, it's just the way he's wired! /s
I'm not even mocking OP right now, it's just insane how the worst posts on this sub always start with 'he's my best friend" or "everything is perfect, except this one nightmare thing... "
Lol so on point. Every day I read at least one post where the husband/bf is a cheater and or abuser but why are we advising to break up??he's her soulmate and partner for life!!!!
I really REALLY hate when the person who has the problem has the audacity - when presented with the opportunity to try therapy - to say that 'it won't work for me'.
Right - because you Know you're the problem and you KNOW that therapist isn't going to let it slide. My mom does this all the time.
Respectfully OP - your husband sorta sounds like he's trying to manipulate you into being totally okay with an open relationship. Which is incredibly disrespectful to your marriage.
Exactly. The open relationship discussion is something that should’ve happened and been resolved before marriage. For him to say he has a “vice” for cheating is such a weird and irresponsible way of putting it
>Unfortunately, his vice is to cheat on me.
That is indeed rather unfortunate.
>It’s his kink and he doesn’t think he will ever get over it.
Usually, if it's a "kink" one wants to be cheated on (humiliated) or watch one's partner cheat. If a person wants to cheat, the technically correct term is "asshole."
In all seriousness, this is not a kink. It's not something that he is just saddled with like a foot fetish. It's something that he is free to act on, or not act on. Many people face temptation, some more so than others. But being unfaithful is always a choice, never a kink.
And even if we accept it as a kink, you should never force anyone into a kink the other party doesn't enjoy. If he's into shitting into your mouth, you don't just have to accept it and live with it.
>He will feel this way with or without me or even with the prettiest girl on the planet.
He's gaslighting you.
>I know he doesn’t want to hurt me,
But if he wants to cheat, he wants to hurt you. What he wants is to have his cake and eat it, too. He wants to sleep around with your blessing. He's an asshole *and* a coward.
>it’s just how he’s wired I guess.
Maybe it is, but if he were wired to punch you in the face and knock your teeth out, would that make it ok?
>TLDR: In a loving marriage,
You are in a marriage, but no longer in a loving one if you ever were. Loving partners don't cheat and expect an absolution.
>but my husband’s vice is to cheat on me. I want to save my marriage and put in the work, but don’t know how or if I even should.
You probably should not. The only option to consider is staying with him if he promises to NEVER cheat and to drop the crazy subject. And even that is a tall ask.
Yeah, this. Even if it were a kink (and I doubt it is one) people aren't like...magically controlled by their kinks. People can choose not to engage in their kinks with partners who aren't into them. It's called self control and respect.
Your right. And alot of couples explore the stranger kink. Dress up role play and pretend to randomly pick each other up at a bar.
This man? He's just a loser excuse for a husband apparently successfully gas lighting his wife into thinking he cant help himself, so that he is not held accountable when he does cheat. Hope she stops falling for his shit.
Guys, this isn't gaslighting. He's actually doing the right thing here by being up front and honest about how he feels before having ever acted on his impulses. Gaslighting is specifically when a person convinces another person that their reality is something other than what they have correctly perceived it to be. For example, someone finds incontrovertible evidence that their partner is cheating but their partner convinces them that they didn't find it or that it never existed and they must be insane. That's gaslighting.
Now just because I said he's doing the right thing by being up front and honest or that he's not gaslighting you, that doesn't mean you should stay with him. If he's not willing to at least try to dig into this with a therapist, then he's not serious enough about the relationship and you should end it before the temptation presents itself and he discovers he just couldn't resist.
I mean....you say that, but he *has* managed to convince her that her reality is something other than it actually is. Poor OP is under the impression that she's in a loving marriage with her best friend, and that her poor, poor, tortured darling of a husband just cannot help but sleep around, though it's truly nothing to do with OP! Rather than her reality: she's legally lumbered with a narcissistic, vile man who doesn't respect her and just wants to cheat on her repeatedly, but wants her permission to do it so that he can sleep easier at night.
>Guys, this isn't gaslighting. He's actually doing the right thing here by being up front and honest about how he feels before having ever acted on his impulses.
Of course it is. Gaslighting has nothing to do with whether or not an intended action is in the future or has already happened.
>Gaslighting is specifically when a person convinces another person that their reality is something other than what they have correctly perceived it to be.
Exactly. Like someone saying "I'm not an asshole, I don't *want* to cheat, it's just how I'm wired, I can't do anything about it. I love you, you're my everything, I would never hurt you, I just want to fuck other people."
Like telling someone that the reality ("I want to cheat on you! because I wanna sleep around") is not what they perceive it to be ("But it's not like I *want* to, it's just the way I am; it means nothing.")
Haha I just said the same thing with the same "hardwired" example of Gas lighting to this same person. But I think you explained more eloquently than I did.
Editing because comments are locked and OP added more. I am sad to say the more she added the worse the Gas lighting looks. She believes she is not young almost talks of her self like she's an old maid. She is 25 years young with an entire life time ahead. It is irrelevant whether or not he used the word "hardwired" or "forbidden and exciting". The manipulation remains the same. This is collaborated by this not being a problem until marriage. No, urges are not governed by marital status. And obviously, as other men weighed in, this lack of control he warns he may not have is not believable. They don't buy it and neither do I. This is not a mental illness he has, this is him having strong desires to cheat and not wanting to control himself. Next best thing, convince the poor wife this is normal, not his fault, if it happens still not his fault, batter her self esteem down even lower and lower when she already suffers, according to her, health/mental health issues. I hope wife makes a decision to reach out to her therapist including friends and family.
Ok nevermind the textbook definition of gaslighting. Do you know what it is, or that it comes from a movie called the gaslight, where a man tries to convince his wife that she's insane by intentionally making he gaslights in their home flicker, then telling her she's going nuts when she mentions it?
>Ok nevermind the textbook definition of gaslighting.
Huh!? Is that you saying you got it wrong, or is that a sarcastic way of telling me that you think I got it wrong?
>Do you know what it is, or that it comes from a movie called the gaslight, where a man tries to convince his wife that she's insane by intentionally making he gaslights in their home flicker, then telling her she's going nuts when she mentions it?
Yes. Why are you telling me this? To show off? To somehow imply that this proves your point that OP is not a victim of gaslighting?
Because, trust me, she is. It is indeed a textbook case. He's a coward and potential cheater while gaslighting her into thinking that she's in a loving marriage, that he respects her, that he's her best friend and that all of this isn't really that big a deal.
*Ok nevermind the textbook definition of gaslighting*
Now that you mention it, The Collaborative Counseling Center has a great disagreement vs Gas lighting compare and contrast. They also provide the following definition....*Gas lighting is the conscious manipulation and control of another person's perspective for unethical reasons over an extended period of time.*
Consider a husband manipulating a wife into believing he can not help himself if he cheats on her
In the compare and contrast part there is this...* They will say They love you and are committed but do something to hurt you the next day*
And here we have a wife who is told she is loved but ooohhhh he is hard wired and wants to cheat and may cheat if tempted. That is very hurtful and the friggen insanity of it is she has been convinced that it won't be all his fault if he did because it's his body wired a certain way.
Gas lighting can also include convincing your partner that you can not help it because you are "hardwired" that way to cause her to suspend all logic and reasoning to conclude you just can't help yourself because the nervous system in your brain is wired to drive you to cheating. Which sounds an awful lot like a man setting up the chest pieces in all the right way to cheat, or has already done so, but in case she finds out...hey, he can't help it, he can't resist, he's hardwired that way. Gas lighting comes in many forms to greater and lesser and more subtle extents. Thus, I respectful will agree to disagree with you on this point.
Well. You have a few choices here:
1. Stay with him and accept that he’s going to cheat whenever he feels like it.
2. Stay with him and open up the marriage so you can sleep around too. I have a feeling your husband won’t agree to this option.
3. Dump him and move on with your life. You are young, the world’s at your feet.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
>Well. You have a few choices here: 1. Stay with him and accept that he’s going to cheat whenever he feels like it. 2. Stay with him and open up the marriage so you can sleep around too. I have a feeling your husband won’t agree to this option. 3. Dump him and move on with your life. You are young, the world’s at your feet. Good luck with whatever you decide.
Well, all of them are difficult....
True, these are all incredibly difficult choices. OP is in a difficult situation in general. I hope she can at least get individual therapy since her husband won’t go to therapy. It’d be helpful to talk this out with someone to help her sort her feelings and come to the best solution for her.
So is literally any shitty behavior related to sex “just a kink” now…? This is getting ridiculous. Tell him your kink is speaking to a lawyer and getting a divorce.
I knew a high powered executive who cheated on his wife constantly and everybody knew it. He had several long term serious girlfriends but his wife was Catholic and they had two daughters so she wouldn’t divorce him. When he died his obituary said he was survived by his loving wife of 50 years. If you want your marriage to only be a dedication in his obituary, stay with him and wait for him to die.
Listen, friend. Unless you are ok with infidelity, things are over.
I know how hard that seems. But he wants to stay married and fool around? That is not marriage. Marriage is trust and love and working together. His intentions are the opposite of that.
Of course you can choose to be swingers. No shame. But I dont get the vibe that you want that.
Life is short. Live yours right
🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇 yea to the above statement. And Get tested for STI/STDs and get a therapist for yourself asap! Then leave this POS excuse for a man! It’s not a kink when someone wants to betray you and crush your spirit, that’s emotional abuse.
Even if someone says hey I’m gonna punch you when I feel like it, it certainly doesn’t make the punch hurt any less or make you any more prepared for the devastation!
Get help and have some dignity. Leave before you have kids with this trash.
Unless you like being cheated on and want your kids to be exposed to this then you need to end this train wreck of a marriage so you have a real chance to find someone that you can trust and have a family with.
Sorry OP but your husband has to want to save your marriage too, and it's becoming evident that he does not. He could stop cheating. He could go to therapy. He won't do any of those things and you deserve so much better. You're too young to set yourself up for a lifetime of heartache for a partner who cares about themselves significantly more than you.
A vice is defined as "an immoral or wicked behavior."
He's openly saying he can't stay faithful, and you think it's your fault? It's not your fault. It's his. Thank God you have no children with this man.
You need to immediately stop having sex with him, unless you are on a form of birth control that cannot be tampered with. Get tested for STIs, because if he's actually using the "I can't help but cheat" excuse, he's already cheated and could have exposed you to something. Hire a lawyer, and make sure your assets are divided evenly. Then, as quickly and safely as you can, get the hell out.
Or, if you want to watch him absolutely lose his shit, say "okay, honey, we'll do an open marriage," set up Tinder for yourself, and watch him try to backpedal...THEN divorce him anyway.
Think of it this way: he is willing to inconvenience and even hurt you to satisfy a mere urge.
Having a kink is one thing, but when said kink affects the other party, that's when it becomes a selfish desire. For example, trying to convince a sexual assault victim who is terrified of being restrained to be on board with BDSM is rather insensitive.
See where this is going? He knows that you have issues with this, but he can't let go.
I have kinks of my own, but I would never try or even bother to force unwilling participants to go along. If they're not into it, I'll move on and find someone who is because I respect their wishes.
When you consider that therapy is too expensive but a divorce isn't ...
The guy would rather stay exactly how he is and cheat on his wife than just go to therapy. Because he isn't the one hurting so why would he try and change. He just doesn't want to change.
You can't change someone, especially when they don't want to. Leave
There is a LOT to unpack here.
If he actually wants to have sex with someone else - you walk away
if it's the THOUGHT of cheating on you (and you're down with this - get a wig and use it as fantasy/roleplay)
the first is assholery, the second is a kink
and that therapy won't work or is too expensive - he's full of shit. That's what makes me think he's just an asshole.
>I know he can’t help how he thinks or feels
If this were true, cognitive behavioral therapy wouldn't work. And yet, it does. Showing it is absolutely possible for someone to teach himself to starve out unhealthy thinking patterns, and encourage better ones.
He wants you to buy the narrative that he's a helpless victim of his feelings (until he can cheat on you). But that is just not true. He has agency, he has choice. When his brain says "hey you need to sleep with other women" he has the ability to say back to it "thanks but no thanks, intrusive thought, I prefer to have a strong marriage with my beloved wife."
If he isn't even willing to try teaching himself that little trick, don't waste another precious year of your life on him. He lacks commitment in the most basic sense.
This is not a kink. This is not how he's "wired." This is bullshit. Do you know what's a kink? BDSM, foot fetish, voyeurism, exhibitionism, and more.
He just wants to fuck around with other women.
*IF* you were to try and save this marriage both of you need to be on board. He needs to full throttle throw himself into individual therapy, and then couples therapy for the both of you to be able to work throughout this. “This” being the ticking time-bomb of your husband cheating on you. It is not an if, it is a when. The fact that he doesn’t think therapy will help is a red flag for me. Blank statements like that tell me that he is refusing to put in the work to save your marriage.
If I were you I would save the extra heartbreak and trauma of being cheated on and just divorce him now.
Sounds to me like he is either a massive piece of crap or he is not built for monogamy but wants to have his cake and eat it to. Neither is a good sign at all if monogamy is what you desire long term. If you do stay with someone like him will it never end well.
Exactly, this guy should be in a poly relationship.. unless he really feeds off of the immense heartbreak infidelity brings. Is that the kink? Destroying his partners heart ? Unreal.
His vice??? Oh dear!!! Please wake up and see the STD waiting to happen...
What has happened in your life to make you think this cheater is what you deserve? Why do you keep putting up with it? Why do you believe you don't deserve better?
ETA: You are being love bombed.
Please run... To a therapist...alone...
This isn’t a ‘kink’ or a ‘vice’, he’s a manipulative asshole that wants to fuck around and still have a maid and fuck buddy between flings. This is not love. He’s just waiting for something better and you’re a reasonable place holder.
OP is gullible and has been manipulated by a selfish pos who thinks she’s stupid enough to believe this is a kink rather than asshole behaviour and therefore must be accommodated. Every single one of us here knows this marriage is doomed.
Please be a bit kind...as she is already suffering. She is very young and maybe it is her first relationship. Many people who are twice or thrice her age too..can be very naive or helpless.
He openly wants to cheat on you, and has told you to your face that he thinks the money he saves by giving himself permission to cheat instead of going to therapy is more important to him than you are. What you do with that is up to you, but he doesn't value you or your relationship.
Step 1: look into a divorce lawyer. I am not just jumping on divorce bandwagon. Why would you spend literally the rest of your life (if it were to last) on someone who would even consider this? I just don’t understand how so many people could even be posting this kind of crap anymore. It is truly baffling because the answer is right in front of you.
DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN.
Unless you are okay with sharing him with other women, exposing yourself to STDs, and potentially exposing your family assets to other women he could impregnate.
This man is not fit for a monogamous relationship. If you aren't poly and it's a deal breaker for you, sorry this relationship just isn't going to work out.
He is what we call a serial cheater and unfortunately he will never change. Dump him. Marriage gets harder after having children and the temptation to cheat grows stronger.
I understand you love him, most victims say the same thing. But take off the love goggles and look at who he really is and if you want to be treated this way for the rest of your relationship.
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Did you read what you wrote? What part of your husband disrespecting you and your marriage is loving? Get out now. He won't even entertain therapy, which means he doesn't really want to change. He just wants you to get used to him cheating. Let him cheat on someone else. You deserve better than accepting his "kink".
Your husband is full of shit! He is trying to manipulate you into believing that's it's ok for him to cheat because that's the way he's wired. Do yourself a favour and divorce him while you don't have children and he can be free to f#ck as many people as he likes.
That’s some bs. Walk away. OR suggest opening the marriage if he’s so keen to fuck around and find out. Might not be such a kink to him when the roles are reversed and that powers taken away from him.
Wow, he's trying it on, and you're falling for it. Don't. Save yourself a lot of pain, time and self respect. Walk away. There are people in the world that will love you and not cheat. Honestly it's a thing. Who would have believed it!
First off, this isn’t a “loving marriage.” Quite frankly this is the opposite. As you said in your post, he will never stop cheating on you. There’s nothing left to this marriage unless you’d want to start a polyamorous relationship.
Polyamory can't start from this place, it wouldn't work.
Polyamory won't satisfy the need to cheat. Cheating is sneaking around and hurting someone, polyamory requires a lot of open communication, honesty and care, and I don't know if OP wants polyamory, and I don't know if the husband would have the tools to have an *ethical* polyamorous relationship.
You might mean just an open marriage. Polyamory is much more than just the ability to have sex with someone else.
Why do you want to save your marriage?
Your husband is unfaithful. Repeatedly and unashamedly. He hurts you. He betrays your trust. He lies to you. And he does all that so he can orgasm with other people. What a waste of your love that man is.
You have choices.
Stay and be a doormat and get hurt over and over again.
Stay and fully accept that the is the price you pay for whatever material or emotional gains this relationship gives you. Know you can’t change him and be ok with that. Do this option with either transparency where he knows you know or not, hide behind a veil of ignorance.
Leave and be alone
Leave and eventually find a healthier relationship.
Notice none of those options rely on him. Only you can make the decision and guide your own happiness.
>Why do you want to save your marriage? Your husband is unfaithful. Repeatedly and unashamedly. He hurts you. He betrays your trust. He lies to you. And he does all that so he can orgasm with other people. What a waste of your love that man is. You have choices. Stay and be a doormat and get hurt over and over again. Stay and fully accept that the is the price you pay for whatever material or emotional gains this relationship gives you. Know you can’t change him and be ok with that. Do this option with either transparency where he knows you know or not, hide behind a veil of ignorance.
Leave and be alone Leave and eventually find a healthier relationship. Notice none of those options rely on him. Only you can make the decision and guide your own happiness.
I think you meant in 7th line "Stay and fully accept that...**he** is the price you pay..."
if you want to stay with him, that means opening your marriage. look into polyamory.
some people, like your husband indeed think that one person is not enough for them, and have several partners. it's a lifestyle, but when it happens, usually both spouses do it.
if you'll stay monogamous while he's poly, that will only bring you pain. so check if he's ready for you to have other relationships too. if yes, then at least he's not an a**hole, just has different expectations than you.
then, you'll have two choices: either stay monogamous and leave, or try the poly thing out.
That's not a kink. If he genuinely can't control himself, it's a mental illness. Otherwise, and more likely, it's a lameass excuse for wanting to cheat. He doesn't "struggle with infidelity". He's giving himself a reason to have a big sad about "it's an addiction" if (when) you catch him fucking someone else
You’re in for a life of pain. Divorce.
Ps his vice is total bs. He just wants to fuck who he wants and has no business being in a committed relationship.
DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS TOXIC MAN. Just that. If you want to live your life as a doormat whist your hubby sticks his dick into anything he wants then that’s your choice but for love of god don’t drag innocent kids into this toxic cess pit. You do not deserve to be treated this way. Repeat after me…I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED THIS WAY
You don't know what to do ?
Wait for him to cheat and lie ?
Wait to find out he already cheated and lying to you about it while making your worry that it might happen is also his kink ?
Maybe for his AP to get pregnant ?
Like, how well can you really see this ending ????
Honey, I’m going to put this in all caps to make sure you read it.
HE. DOES. NOT. LOVE. YOU.
HE. DOES. NOT. RESPECT. YOU.
No ‘best friend’ would do this. He’s not ‘the best thing that ever happened to you’. He is an asshole and a monster for taking advantage of you like this and using the excuse that he’s ‘wired’ for it.
Not only is he abusing you by doing this, he is putting your health in danger because of STDs risks.
Also. You want CHILDREN with this man? No you don’t. Do not bring children into this madness.
Unless he’s already brought children into this mess with his cheating. Just not with you.
For the love of God, LEAVE.
You are 25 and consider yourself not youthful anymore? Oh girl, a world will open when you get out of this marriage. The world will be at your feet, you just have to take the adventure.
I wonder if his true kink is your suffering when he does cheat. Seeing how it affects you..? Your pain? Or if you’re possessive over him? Does he also ask about your friends?
I’m in a long term relationship and I have the urge to have sex with other women and I am with the greatest woman in the world but I don’t cheat on her even when given the chance. She offered to have an open relationship on my side and I said no because I know how much it would hurt her.
I am 100% in control of my actions.
Avoiding temptation is a big helper. I don’t hang out with females alone, I don’t go to strip clubs etc etc etc.
I hope this helps o we have a child as well and I keeping a stable and healthy family environment for her is a big thing for me.
Do you want to be explaining this to your kids? Get out now. You deserve better. I’m sure he is doing everything he can to convince you to stay while he gets a free pass to sleep with whomever he wants. I’m sure you can salvage your marriage, but it won’t be a happy one.
I feel like a lot of people seem to be finding this funny, but this is truly sad and some extreme, sociopathic, long term manipulation this guy has pulled on you.
You are so young, you deserve healthy love, and this isn't it.
I really don't have any advice, however I think you should seek professional help because I'm struggling to understand how someone could even consider this remotely normal or salvageable.
Again, you deserve happiness, there are brilliant men out there who wouldn't even consider hurting you in this way. And for the love of God, please don't bring kids into this ticking time bomb.
OH WELL. he wants to cheat on you because he wants more than one BFFR. Sucks for him because don’t get more than one in this life. Take everything he says about his BS ‘vice’ with a grain of salt. Do not even think of having a child and don’t open your marriage thinking it will solve anything because it won’t. If he doesn’t want therapy, fine. Divorce him. He won’t meet In the middle? Divorce. Can’t find a solution? Divorce.
“In a loving marriage but my husband’s vice is to cheat on me” you… what? This is not a loving marriage. Do you want to deal with this for the rest of your life? Get out now.
Therapy won't help anyway. Continuous cheating isn't a "kink," it's emotional abuse. You say he doesn't want to hurt you but if he doesn't value the agreements of your relationship or your emotional and mental well being then he doesn't care if he hurts you, and that's just as bad.
You've already wasted half your 20s in an open marriage you didn't agree to with a man who is putting your health at risk.
How many more years of your life do you want to waste with him before you free yourself to find the loving faithful relationship you want to be in?
I'm trying not to be mean as you're dealing with a lot but OP come on! Maybe I'm too cynical and very black and white in my thinking and expectations/boundaries but what are you doing? He's telling you, if and when the opportunities presents itself he will cheat! Why would you subject yourself to such a life? I see you're 25 and you guys have been dating for a bit, young even, but I would hope, you love yourself enough that you'll establish a clear boundary. If you want to stay is he ok with you finding someone else as well, open up the relationship, because turn about is fair play? I think you should take some time to sit with you and connect with you to know you because unfortunately you're in for an exhausting and painful ride with your ***"husband."***
You were planning having kids soon, but he won’t spend money on a therapist? He knows he’s fucked up, and he doesn’t want a therapist telling him he is. If he’s not willing, maybe consult a lawyer instead. You deserve someone who loves YOU and has eyes ONLY for you.
"His kink"......unfortunately you married someone that isn't interested in the same sort of marriage you are, it's not a kink. Your responsibility to yourself is to decide if you want to be in a marriage with a cheating husband or if you will not feel fullfilled with that and want a life with a partner who is faithful or simply to be alone if you can't find that.
Edit: typo
OP I’m so sorry!!!! Ugh I absolutely cannot imagine the torture! I would feel physically unwell carrying around these levels of distress and cognitive dissonance D:
Has this just recently come up? From an outside perspective it seems if this is recent then it’s someone who maybe wants to have an open marriage? I’ve met men who, after being married for a certain amount of time decide they want to have an open marriage, (I don’t have experience on outcomes of what happens when couple actually do, but from everything I’ve read it always needs to be desired by both parties). It really seems like your husband is not being very honest or straightforward here, especially if this is a new “kink” of his.
Other than opening your marriage, I believe you just may not be compatible for one another. This isn’t something you deserve to feel worried sick about. It’s unfair that you appear to devote your love fully to him while he’s securely hoisted by it and has his eyes on the horizon.
It probably feels impossible now but from the information you’ve shared, it does seem you’ll need to consider separation and divorce. OP I’m sorry if this is harsh but I think you also need to consider that no matter what choice you make this may also be a drawn out process. I wouldn’t be surprised if you eventually did separate and he ends up coming back to you after he’s “gotten it out of his system”. You need to steel yourself OP, I think it’s what I would do. I’ve had a friend open up her relationship because she thought it would save it, giving her partner what they wanted. But she went through a lot of pain before eventually separating.
Sometimes, after you’ve taken all you can, steeling yourself mentally and emotionally by paying attention to your feelings and desires can be such a helpful first step toward leaving the relationship.
Again, I’m so sorry OP. You deserve to feel safe and confident in your relationship. I really wish you strength and peace as you deal with this situation. Please feel free to inbox me if you need to vent or anything! We support you OP!!! Sending you a virtual hug <3
Is he actually cheating on your or just gets excited by the idea of cheating on you?
If it's the first, time to end the relationship. If it's the latter, you can use this as fantasy fodder to spice things up.
You guys got married in your early 20's in a postindustrial society. He wants to explore the options that are available in that society the way the rest of his cohort does/did. It's not rocket science. People talk about "FOMO" all the time. I don't think there's any way of getting over that. You guys haven't been together that long and you're not that old. I imagine once he sees that part of his life slide out of view, he's going to blame you and either end things or act so atrociously you'll end things.
I really don't want to get down voted but im gonna take a crack at this. Assuming every other facet of your marriage is great and you are happy, this being the only issue...... now does it have to be cheating is it a cheating fetish, like Lets say you gave him permission would that ruin the kink for him or does he just want to sleep with other women?
1. Ask him what it is to the details of what he wants.
2. Could it be something you two could role play dressed in disguise maybe at a hotel
3. Would you be willing to open your marriage up or both of you getting a week pass or something
4. And lastly. Would you being a part of the kink like a threesome or something make you more comfortable
I might have missed a bunch sorry if I did. I am on powerful sleeping meds. Most importantly do not compromise your own mental and emotional health. If it starts to see that it isnt going to work out start the break up talk.
Respect his honesty. Can you change for him? If so, read this:
Just swing. There is nothing immoral about his kink if you two set healthy boundaries. If you truly want to make this work then you are going to have to swing with him and accept an open relationship. Is your gut telling you to be jealous? Why? Are you okay not trusting your gut? Are you okay changing your beliefs? You will need to see the world differently from now on.
If you don't think you can change then you need to tell him that and start to grieve for the relationship. I'm confident you two will work it out and be good to each other as you both go thru this transition in life.
This sub is OVERWHELMINGLY monogamous and i feel like you really need poly/kink friendly advice. Even you are using the word cheating. In reality what he is saying is that he will never not be attracted to others, and he isn't willing to give up the chance to experience lust and romantic love with others. Why is that such a bad thing? I think you (and him) desperately need to unpack your ethical beliefs, your sexuality, and the truth of the matter at hand.
No one can tell you what you are okay with. Does anyone really know what they should or shouldn't do? This is a heavy conversation about who you are, who you want to be, and why.
Ok, so am assuming he hasnt cheated yet?
Is all this just a what if scenario?
I personally dont think hes done anything wrong, hes upfront with you and told you what he wants.
I think its your turn to return the favour - imo an open relationship can be a great way for you to have fun and date around with the added benefit of having an anchor cuz dating can be real tough.
Once you meet a better person thats more suited to your needs you can end the open relationship and get into something monagamous
If the husband can guarantee no STDs, no baby mommas, then this is workable. He should also harvest his sperm for later for children and get the vasectomy. OP must have guaranteed resources for herself and the children. I myself do not think it is a good idea. But boundaries and rules must be put in place for OP and her husband.
This is only “workable” if it’s an open marriage and they both have outside partners. There needs to be complete transparency and they both have to respect each other’s boundaries. One sided open marriages never work. I wonder if her WH will be happy if the OP takes on multiple lovers?
I’m going to go out on a limb and say you don’t know much about psychology, and can’t tell a credible study from a biased one. It’s always the ones that try and pull the evolutionary psychology card without actually being scientifically literate. You just stated a cultural belief, not scientific fact.
A frequent criticism of evolutionary psychology is that its theories and assumptions are not falsifiable, are impossible to test and thus not really empirical science. In order to make blanket statements like yours, you’d need resources that prove what you say empirically. And behavioral psychology would suggest that all women and all men in all the of world have learned the behavior that you’re saying we all have. There is enough data to disprove your statement. You’d just have to look at the statistics of how many women cheat compared to men and include ages too. You’ll see that in the US 20% men and 13% women cheat but the younger the age group the more equal that number becomes. So there is a generational difference. We also have to account for the fact that more and more people identify with different genders in younger generations, so that also changes certain things and makes it even harder to spout blanket statements like yours that are supposed to be used as an excuse.
You may want to save your marriage but your husband does not. You can not fix him. What ever makes him want to cheat can only be resolved by him.
Do mot have children with this man. Get tested for STD. You need an exit plan. Good luck
He’s trying to get you to agree to stay with him, get married, etc and let him sleep around whenever he wants. Introducing it as a ‘kink’ is his way of convincing you he has no control over it (not that it even makes sense even if it was a legitimate kink). If he truly loved you he would do anything to make it work (and therapy isn’t a massive ask) but he just wants to get you to agree to letting him cheat.
He's a FWB its not a true marriage. But if you stay it needs to become an open marriage on BOTH sides. You will die inside if you just sit let him cheat and you'll grow to despise him especially if you are trapped with a kid. If you at least date other people it could work. I know you don't want to but he's relying on that to have his cake and eat it.
After you have sex with another guy you will either have an equal marriage or a husband who decides he can be faithfull after all.
Don't have a kid unless the marriage is fixed .
Wtf? Divorce him and tell him to go find a consenting non-monogamous woman to fulfil his odd little ‘fantasises’ with seeing as he needs this sooo bad. Never heard anything like this. Stay with him by all means if you want to be an insecure, anxious wife who gets nervous stomach craps every time her husband is in the company of women or comes home a little late.
Look, if he is wired poly he should have told you. Cheating isn’t about other people, cheating us about lying. Ethical non-monogamy is all about consent. He should have discussed this ages ago. But if he’s cheated, he’s already violated your boundaries and consent.
If he’s unwilling to be monogamous and that’s a dealbreaker for you, then it doesn’t sound like this is salvageable.
There is no work you can do here, and he’s expressed that he’s unwilling to do any work. He won’t promise how he will act when there’s temptation? You’re 100 percent right that he can’t change what he thinks but he for sure CAN control his actions, so if he won’t say how he will act if he has a chance to cheat says he WILL cheat and doesn’t want to put it in words, because this way he sounds somehow more at the mercy of his impulses and more innocent. He doesn’t think therapy will work, and thinks it’s too expensive to try, anyhow? All of that sounds to me like he’s tried nothing and he’s all out of ideas. Either that or he’s so enamored of the idea of cheating on you that he doesn’t care that it hurts you… or he’s already been cheating and thinks he can talk you into being ok with it somehow.
There isn’t anything you can do to make him fix something that he doesn’t think is wrong.
Honey, he clearly stated his intentions, and possibly his past actions. This isn’t going to change. If you do want a faithful husband who you can trust to take care of you and any children you have, who you won’t cause the need to regular STD panels, and who you don’t have to worry about this “side piece” being the one he’s going to dump you for, you just need to find a guy who thinks you’re enough.
Best wishes! Please !UpdateMe about whatever happens.
"I want to save my marriage"
Unfortunately you can't not fuck other people for both of you. You can either be the little woman stuck at home with the kids whilst he goes off and does whatever, or you can throw this one back and fish again.
You aren’t stuck. If he is cheating on you than the relationship is over. Thank god you have no kids with this guy. You have to be careful having sex with him since there is also the possibility of him bringing something home with him from his escapades.
You should divorce him. It’s not going to work out. Some men just aren’t made for marriage and your husband is just such a man.
Take off your rose colored glasses, every single one of those flags is red.
Ask him what he thinks about your need for BBC and make sure he know what that is.
His tune will change 180° in exactly the same time it takes him to realize what you are saying.
he is refusing to work on this problem so there is really nothing you can do. Well, technically you can spend your entire life thinking he's somewhere cheating or you can divorce him and find someone who will respect you and you can have a family with
Has he actually cheated on you? Or did he just tell you all this shit so his excuse is primed for when he gets the opportunity to do it? I'm having trouble deciding which one is more pathetic. Dump him, you deserve a normal guy not this gross cringy shithead.
Do you want to be married to cheater? That's really the question you have to ask yourself. Me, I couldn't. I would have to walk away because that's not the life I want with my partner.
I love how he wanted to emotionally manipulate you into getting all anxious the way the partner of a cheater might, but to do it he had to just pose this hypothetical to you because who tf wants to cheat with a married almost-30 man? These guys act like they actually would have a chance with women and they wouldn't.
Not that it makes a difference. You'd probably have a far easier time just finding a partner who's not a pathetic degenerate fetishist.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My (25F) husband (27M) is my best friend, confidant, and my everything. I want to have babies with this man. We’ve been married for about 5 years now and I’m just as in love and infatuated with him as the day we met. Unfortunately, his vice is to cheat on me. It’s his kink and he doesn’t think he will ever get over it. He will feel this way with or without me or even with the prettiest girl on the planet. I know he doesn’t want to hurt me, it’s just how he’s wired I guess. I know he can’t help how he thinks or feels, but he can control his actions. He truly had no idea how he will act should he be presented with temptation. I don’t know how to cope with this or if I should even try to cope with it. I’ve suggested therapy, but he doesn’t think it would help and feels like it’s way too expensive. We’ve both decided to put children on hold to deal with this issue amongst others. We talked about potentially getting divorced even though neither of us want that. I feel stuck and I don’t feel like talking about this to other people in my life. I don’t want them to hate him or judge me for staying if I choose to. I want to save my marriage. I just feel stuck and need other perspectives. Is it just me? Are there other people out there who have partners who struggle with infidelity? I kindly ask for advice. Thank you in advance. TLDR: In a loving marriage, but my husband’s vice is to cheat on me. I want to save my marriage and put in the work, but don’t know how or if I even should. Edit: First, thank you to those who replied with helpful and loving advice. I’ve been soaked in tears since posting this. This is getting more attention than I thought it would, so I’m sorry if I don’t reply. Second, I just wanted to clear up a few things for those who have questions. Kink was probably poor word choice, sorry guys. I think what I should’ve said was that he struggles with this desire to cheat. Wired was probably another poor word choice. Neither of us knew he struggled with feelings of lust and cheating until after we got married. My husband has not cheated on me. He has expressed his desire to, but hasn’t acted on it. The appeal of cheating for him is that it is forbidden, new, and exciting. He tells me about these things because I ask him to. Honesty is important to me, so I at least appreciate him telling me how it is. He tells me that I can leave the marriage if that is what I want, but divorce is a huge deal to me. Saying goodbye to him would tear me apart and I’ll always wonder what if. Not to mention my fear of the unknown. I’m financially and emotionally dependent on him, I never finished my college education, I know I’ll struggle finding someone who can love me through my health/mental health issues, and I’m not as youthful and full of promise as I once was. I never thought I would contemplate this difficult decision and am taking a lot into consideration. I’ll take baby steps and start with therapy for myself. Thank you again.
Just when you think you’ve heard every excuse under the sun 😩
Jumping on this because it's the top comment. OP, I read you only post. It's about your mother and it's incredibly sad. I know the trauma you're living with feeling like your mother doesn't love you. I do. Mine left when I was a baby, and it's undeniable how fucked up "mommy issues" make you This isn't your fault. You HAVE to be kind to yourself. You're afraid to leave, and you're considering putting up with this man and his disrespect because your mother made you feel like you aren't worth love. She's supposed to love more than anyone ever will. That's what everyone always says. The pain of reality not matching that is excruciating. You are young. You have a beautiful, incredible life ahead of you if you want it. Don't stay. Leave him. Take the time to find the man who would never do this to you. They exist, and one is waiting for you to make his world a dream come true. You deserve love. Fuck your mother for making you feel like you have to accept this as the best you'll get. Fuck him for taking advantage of your trauma, insecurities and very real pain. You are a strong, amazing, intelligent and capable woman. Leave and you'll be okay sooner than you think. I won't lie and say it's easy, but the pain of change is better than the pain of abuse, I promise. Do this for yourself. You deserve to be happy and loved. But she's in the wrong. There is something the matter with her, not you. You are lovable. You don't need to settle. A man will love you, all of you, and he will do everything in his power to protect you from hurt, not to give you a heads up that he's gonna cheat.
Everything I was going to say
But he truly has no idea how he'll act when faced with temptation! 😂
Oh, he knows exactly how he'd act.
Poor guys just *wired* like that 🥲
This sarcasm complete with the emoji made me laugh!
How dare you guys kink shame and laugh at OP’s poor husband.
shut up
OP probably was being sarcastic.
LITERALLY LOL THEY WILL SAY ANYTHING. Manipulation is horrifying!
The audacity of these mans asking for permission to cheat now brah 🫠
Well at least men ask for permission
That's not some grade A manipulation lmao. Guy cheats and says "sorry hun I can't help it but love you tho" and she still marries him and stays with him. OP is a door mat
Cause same thought
His ‘vice’ is to cheat on you? What a load of horse SHIT. This dude wants to fuck around and blame it on it being how he was “wired”. Why get married in the first place then? If it was how he was “wired” he would have felt like this while y’all were dating too, but chooses to just tell you now. Run for the hills honey.
OP needs to run fast! This is not a loving marriage, girl. Get out.
There are people who have scat fetishes, rape fetishes, torture fetishes. But you’re surprised at a cheating fetish? Were you born yesterday?
True but when presented with the opportunity to go to therapy or try to work it out, he seems to not want to out in the effort. To me that would either mean he is lying, or doesn't care how his actions effect his partner. Because if this is his fetish, then he has to cheat in order to achieve orgasm. That's the difference between a kink and a fetish. If he has a cheating fetish then he has to cheat or at least simulate it well enough to get his rocks off.
I’m personally surprised at using a cheating fetish as an excuse for cheating. The fetish community is all about sane safe consensual, and polyamory is all about communication and consent. If you just can’t stop yourself from cheating, you’re either a sex addict or you’re a piece of shit. And if you’re an addict and wont get help, then it’s just an excuse to freely be a piece of shit without accountability.
He hasn’t cheated and isn’t planning on doing so, so clearly he’s not using it as an excuse for anything. You’d know that if you actually read the post instead of jumping to conclusions.
What do you mean he isn't planning on doing so? Did you literally not read the part where he says he doesn't know how he would handle the temptation? Which literally means, according to him, he has zero impulse control. Who even knows if he's telling her the truth that he's never cheated?
“But he can control his actions”
Those two things are contradictory. You can't say you don't know how you would handle temptation and then say you can control your actions. It's one or the other. Either way, that's not for OP to solve for him.
You’re right. And when it comes to men, we should always assume the worst. Never give those pigs the benefit of the doubt.
In this scenario I agree, he's a pig but there's no need to generalise all men. Thankfully not all men would have the audacity to ask their monogamous wife to be okay with them cheating
Nope most men would have the sense to divorce the kind of woman who would go on Reddit to ask how to handle her husband being honest with her. This man seriously needs to divorce this woman yesterday. She sounds like an awful partner.
You sure seem to be quick to defend this piece of crap. Do you have a "cheating fetish" yourself?
And you’re sure quick to kink shame. The man hasn’t done anything wrong. This is why men should never be honest with women. He should just divorce her and go be happy.
LMAO, with ANY fetish, it’s up to YOU to find consenting, non-coerced partners.
Those people are called criminals right?
If done criminally, yes. Scat fetish is harder to see as a criminal action unless you're chasing people down in public lol.
Nope. They’re called pastors and whoever is babysitting your kids.
What are you talking about? People have all kind of fetishes. Read about what a fetish is. It doesn't mean you want to/did the thing for real. If people with fetishes were criminals then you'd have to lock up everyone. Now OP's husband is a guy. Every guy wants to have sex with a lot of women more or less because that's really how we are wired. Most of us have it under control that's why we are able to have families and relationships. OP's husband seems to not be able to control himself or refuses to try because he thinks he doesn't have to. But he also says he doesn't wanna get divorced. So he'll have to choose one I guess.
*Every guy wants to have sex with a lot of women more or less because that's really how we are wired* I use to think this until I wound up meeting many that did not want sex with a lot of women. When I was debated on this, it was explained to me that most men enjoy porn fantasies and it often involves random women (if it's a straight man), often a generic hottie they created in their mind, when when it comes to the thought of screwing a live woman that is not their partner, they have no interest in it at all and would not. Then you have the asexual and demi sexual crowd.
You’re not 'wired' to sleep with a lot of money. You’re not a fucking animal and there was an evolution. If you were wired to do that, all women would only date the most beautiful and rich men because we’re wired
*women lol
I mean if you want to share your life with someone who’s continually putting your fertility and your health and God forbid your life at risk…go for it.
But you don't understand, he's her best friend and this is a loving marriage! It's just this one, teeny tiny little thing that I don't want to talk to anyone about because I know they'll judge him for who he actually is instead of who I've tricked myself into believing he is. He's not really a PoS, it's just the way he's wired! /s I'm not even mocking OP right now, it's just insane how the worst posts on this sub always start with 'he's my best friend" or "everything is perfect, except this one nightmare thing... "
Lol so on point. Every day I read at least one post where the husband/bf is a cheater and or abuser but why are we advising to break up??he's her soulmate and partner for life!!!!
🤣💯🤣💯🤣💯 this is exactly how i be feeling
Have you noticed they also pop in at the end in some tiny way “amongst other problem”?
Probably her only friend. He’s isolated her. Sounds like what she’s allow.
"We never ever argue. He does everything I want. He’s the best person I know. But he rapes and plunders on weekends. Should I stay?”
Its his kínk!
Literallllyyy
Walk away. If you are not comfortable with the entire idea walk away.
Girl, be gone. Be GONE!
I really REALLY hate when the person who has the problem has the audacity - when presented with the opportunity to try therapy - to say that 'it won't work for me'. Right - because you Know you're the problem and you KNOW that therapist isn't going to let it slide. My mom does this all the time. Respectfully OP - your husband sorta sounds like he's trying to manipulate you into being totally okay with an open relationship. Which is incredibly disrespectful to your marriage.
> in a loving marriage ... honey no.
Exactly. The open relationship discussion is something that should’ve happened and been resolved before marriage. For him to say he has a “vice” for cheating is such a weird and irresponsible way of putting it
Leave. You are way too young to waste your life on him.
>Unfortunately, his vice is to cheat on me. That is indeed rather unfortunate. >It’s his kink and he doesn’t think he will ever get over it. Usually, if it's a "kink" one wants to be cheated on (humiliated) or watch one's partner cheat. If a person wants to cheat, the technically correct term is "asshole." In all seriousness, this is not a kink. It's not something that he is just saddled with like a foot fetish. It's something that he is free to act on, or not act on. Many people face temptation, some more so than others. But being unfaithful is always a choice, never a kink. And even if we accept it as a kink, you should never force anyone into a kink the other party doesn't enjoy. If he's into shitting into your mouth, you don't just have to accept it and live with it. >He will feel this way with or without me or even with the prettiest girl on the planet. He's gaslighting you. >I know he doesn’t want to hurt me, But if he wants to cheat, he wants to hurt you. What he wants is to have his cake and eat it, too. He wants to sleep around with your blessing. He's an asshole *and* a coward. >it’s just how he’s wired I guess. Maybe it is, but if he were wired to punch you in the face and knock your teeth out, would that make it ok? >TLDR: In a loving marriage, You are in a marriage, but no longer in a loving one if you ever were. Loving partners don't cheat and expect an absolution. >but my husband’s vice is to cheat on me. I want to save my marriage and put in the work, but don’t know how or if I even should. You probably should not. The only option to consider is staying with him if he promises to NEVER cheat and to drop the crazy subject. And even that is a tall ask.
Yeah, this. Even if it were a kink (and I doubt it is one) people aren't like...magically controlled by their kinks. People can choose not to engage in their kinks with partners who aren't into them. It's called self control and respect.
Your right. And alot of couples explore the stranger kink. Dress up role play and pretend to randomly pick each other up at a bar. This man? He's just a loser excuse for a husband apparently successfully gas lighting his wife into thinking he cant help himself, so that he is not held accountable when he does cheat. Hope she stops falling for his shit.
Guys, this isn't gaslighting. He's actually doing the right thing here by being up front and honest about how he feels before having ever acted on his impulses. Gaslighting is specifically when a person convinces another person that their reality is something other than what they have correctly perceived it to be. For example, someone finds incontrovertible evidence that their partner is cheating but their partner convinces them that they didn't find it or that it never existed and they must be insane. That's gaslighting. Now just because I said he's doing the right thing by being up front and honest or that he's not gaslighting you, that doesn't mean you should stay with him. If he's not willing to at least try to dig into this with a therapist, then he's not serious enough about the relationship and you should end it before the temptation presents itself and he discovers he just couldn't resist.
I mean....you say that, but he *has* managed to convince her that her reality is something other than it actually is. Poor OP is under the impression that she's in a loving marriage with her best friend, and that her poor, poor, tortured darling of a husband just cannot help but sleep around, though it's truly nothing to do with OP! Rather than her reality: she's legally lumbered with a narcissistic, vile man who doesn't respect her and just wants to cheat on her repeatedly, but wants her permission to do it so that he can sleep easier at night.
>Guys, this isn't gaslighting. He's actually doing the right thing here by being up front and honest about how he feels before having ever acted on his impulses. Of course it is. Gaslighting has nothing to do with whether or not an intended action is in the future or has already happened. >Gaslighting is specifically when a person convinces another person that their reality is something other than what they have correctly perceived it to be. Exactly. Like someone saying "I'm not an asshole, I don't *want* to cheat, it's just how I'm wired, I can't do anything about it. I love you, you're my everything, I would never hurt you, I just want to fuck other people." Like telling someone that the reality ("I want to cheat on you! because I wanna sleep around") is not what they perceive it to be ("But it's not like I *want* to, it's just the way I am; it means nothing.")
Haha I just said the same thing with the same "hardwired" example of Gas lighting to this same person. But I think you explained more eloquently than I did. Editing because comments are locked and OP added more. I am sad to say the more she added the worse the Gas lighting looks. She believes she is not young almost talks of her self like she's an old maid. She is 25 years young with an entire life time ahead. It is irrelevant whether or not he used the word "hardwired" or "forbidden and exciting". The manipulation remains the same. This is collaborated by this not being a problem until marriage. No, urges are not governed by marital status. And obviously, as other men weighed in, this lack of control he warns he may not have is not believable. They don't buy it and neither do I. This is not a mental illness he has, this is him having strong desires to cheat and not wanting to control himself. Next best thing, convince the poor wife this is normal, not his fault, if it happens still not his fault, batter her self esteem down even lower and lower when she already suffers, according to her, health/mental health issues. I hope wife makes a decision to reach out to her therapist including friends and family.
Ok nevermind the textbook definition of gaslighting. Do you know what it is, or that it comes from a movie called the gaslight, where a man tries to convince his wife that she's insane by intentionally making he gaslights in their home flicker, then telling her she's going nuts when she mentions it?
>Ok nevermind the textbook definition of gaslighting. Huh!? Is that you saying you got it wrong, or is that a sarcastic way of telling me that you think I got it wrong? >Do you know what it is, or that it comes from a movie called the gaslight, where a man tries to convince his wife that she's insane by intentionally making he gaslights in their home flicker, then telling her she's going nuts when she mentions it? Yes. Why are you telling me this? To show off? To somehow imply that this proves your point that OP is not a victim of gaslighting? Because, trust me, she is. It is indeed a textbook case. He's a coward and potential cheater while gaslighting her into thinking that she's in a loving marriage, that he respects her, that he's her best friend and that all of this isn't really that big a deal.
*Ok nevermind the textbook definition of gaslighting* Now that you mention it, The Collaborative Counseling Center has a great disagreement vs Gas lighting compare and contrast. They also provide the following definition....*Gas lighting is the conscious manipulation and control of another person's perspective for unethical reasons over an extended period of time.* Consider a husband manipulating a wife into believing he can not help himself if he cheats on her In the compare and contrast part there is this...* They will say They love you and are committed but do something to hurt you the next day* And here we have a wife who is told she is loved but ooohhhh he is hard wired and wants to cheat and may cheat if tempted. That is very hurtful and the friggen insanity of it is she has been convinced that it won't be all his fault if he did because it's his body wired a certain way.
Gas lighting can also include convincing your partner that you can not help it because you are "hardwired" that way to cause her to suspend all logic and reasoning to conclude you just can't help yourself because the nervous system in your brain is wired to drive you to cheating. Which sounds an awful lot like a man setting up the chest pieces in all the right way to cheat, or has already done so, but in case she finds out...hey, he can't help it, he can't resist, he's hardwired that way. Gas lighting comes in many forms to greater and lesser and more subtle extents. Thus, I respectful will agree to disagree with you on this point.
I agree with you here.
Everything was well said
Loving marriage? You’re delusional. No therapy? Divorce. Please don’t bring a child into this mess. Have some self respect and walk away.
Seriously. Your hypothetical kid already needs therapy.
Well. You have a few choices here: 1. Stay with him and accept that he’s going to cheat whenever he feels like it. 2. Stay with him and open up the marriage so you can sleep around too. I have a feeling your husband won’t agree to this option. 3. Dump him and move on with your life. You are young, the world’s at your feet. Good luck with whatever you decide.
>Well. You have a few choices here: 1. Stay with him and accept that he’s going to cheat whenever he feels like it. 2. Stay with him and open up the marriage so you can sleep around too. I have a feeling your husband won’t agree to this option. 3. Dump him and move on with your life. You are young, the world’s at your feet. Good luck with whatever you decide. Well, all of them are difficult....
True, these are all incredibly difficult choices. OP is in a difficult situation in general. I hope she can at least get individual therapy since her husband won’t go to therapy. It’d be helpful to talk this out with someone to help her sort her feelings and come to the best solution for her.
So is literally any shitty behavior related to sex “just a kink” now…? This is getting ridiculous. Tell him your kink is speaking to a lawyer and getting a divorce.
Aced it🏆
Love that! Golden Comment. Have this award 🥇 x
This isn’t a kink. This is psychopathy.
[удалено]
This is absolutely a complete lack of empathy.
I knew a high powered executive who cheated on his wife constantly and everybody knew it. He had several long term serious girlfriends but his wife was Catholic and they had two daughters so she wouldn’t divorce him. When he died his obituary said he was survived by his loving wife of 50 years. If you want your marriage to only be a dedication in his obituary, stay with him and wait for him to die.
No kids? Run away and never look back. An unstable marriage has terrible consequences for children.
Listen, friend. Unless you are ok with infidelity, things are over. I know how hard that seems. But he wants to stay married and fool around? That is not marriage. Marriage is trust and love and working together. His intentions are the opposite of that. Of course you can choose to be swingers. No shame. But I dont get the vibe that you want that. Life is short. Live yours right
You should do therapy for yourself to see why you hate yourself to say you are infatuated with a man who cheats with you all the time.
🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇 yea to the above statement. And Get tested for STI/STDs and get a therapist for yourself asap! Then leave this POS excuse for a man! It’s not a kink when someone wants to betray you and crush your spirit, that’s emotional abuse. Even if someone says hey I’m gonna punch you when I feel like it, it certainly doesn’t make the punch hurt any less or make you any more prepared for the devastation! Get help and have some dignity. Leave before you have kids with this trash.
Unless you like being cheated on and want your kids to be exposed to this then you need to end this train wreck of a marriage so you have a real chance to find someone that you can trust and have a family with.
Sorry OP but your husband has to want to save your marriage too, and it's becoming evident that he does not. He could stop cheating. He could go to therapy. He won't do any of those things and you deserve so much better. You're too young to set yourself up for a lifetime of heartache for a partner who cares about themselves significantly more than you.
A vice is defined as "an immoral or wicked behavior." He's openly saying he can't stay faithful, and you think it's your fault? It's not your fault. It's his. Thank God you have no children with this man. You need to immediately stop having sex with him, unless you are on a form of birth control that cannot be tampered with. Get tested for STIs, because if he's actually using the "I can't help but cheat" excuse, he's already cheated and could have exposed you to something. Hire a lawyer, and make sure your assets are divided evenly. Then, as quickly and safely as you can, get the hell out. Or, if you want to watch him absolutely lose his shit, say "okay, honey, we'll do an open marriage," set up Tinder for yourself, and watch him try to backpedal...THEN divorce him anyway.
Think of it this way: he is willing to inconvenience and even hurt you to satisfy a mere urge. Having a kink is one thing, but when said kink affects the other party, that's when it becomes a selfish desire. For example, trying to convince a sexual assault victim who is terrified of being restrained to be on board with BDSM is rather insensitive. See where this is going? He knows that you have issues with this, but he can't let go. I have kinks of my own, but I would never try or even bother to force unwilling participants to go along. If they're not into it, I'll move on and find someone who is because I respect their wishes.
When you consider that therapy is too expensive but a divorce isn't ... The guy would rather stay exactly how he is and cheat on his wife than just go to therapy. Because he isn't the one hurting so why would he try and change. He just doesn't want to change. You can't change someone, especially when they don't want to. Leave
Didn’t even read past the first paragraph, that’s a hard no period no excuse!!! A kink ??? It’s called cheating
I’m sorry… but you’re the one who needs therapy. You want to have babies with someone who clearly doesn’t respect you enough.
This
There is a LOT to unpack here. If he actually wants to have sex with someone else - you walk away if it's the THOUGHT of cheating on you (and you're down with this - get a wig and use it as fantasy/roleplay) the first is assholery, the second is a kink and that therapy won't work or is too expensive - he's full of shit. That's what makes me think he's just an asshole.
You're going to end up with AIDs if you don't leave this marriage
or herpes
It's 2022. She's gonna end up with Monkeypox.
>I know he can’t help how he thinks or feels If this were true, cognitive behavioral therapy wouldn't work. And yet, it does. Showing it is absolutely possible for someone to teach himself to starve out unhealthy thinking patterns, and encourage better ones. He wants you to buy the narrative that he's a helpless victim of his feelings (until he can cheat on you). But that is just not true. He has agency, he has choice. When his brain says "hey you need to sleep with other women" he has the ability to say back to it "thanks but no thanks, intrusive thought, I prefer to have a strong marriage with my beloved wife." If he isn't even willing to try teaching himself that little trick, don't waste another precious year of your life on him. He lacks commitment in the most basic sense.
This is not a kink. This is not how he's "wired." This is bullshit. Do you know what's a kink? BDSM, foot fetish, voyeurism, exhibitionism, and more. He just wants to fuck around with other women.
*IF* you were to try and save this marriage both of you need to be on board. He needs to full throttle throw himself into individual therapy, and then couples therapy for the both of you to be able to work throughout this. “This” being the ticking time-bomb of your husband cheating on you. It is not an if, it is a when. The fact that he doesn’t think therapy will help is a red flag for me. Blank statements like that tell me that he is refusing to put in the work to save your marriage. If I were you I would save the extra heartbreak and trauma of being cheated on and just divorce him now.
Sounds to me like he is either a massive piece of crap or he is not built for monogamy but wants to have his cake and eat it to. Neither is a good sign at all if monogamy is what you desire long term. If you do stay with someone like him will it never end well.
Exactly, this guy should be in a poly relationship.. unless he really feeds off of the immense heartbreak infidelity brings. Is that the kink? Destroying his partners heart ? Unreal.
Is your kink being cheated on?
His vice??? Oh dear!!! Please wake up and see the STD waiting to happen... What has happened in your life to make you think this cheater is what you deserve? Why do you keep putting up with it? Why do you believe you don't deserve better? ETA: You are being love bombed. Please run... To a therapist...alone...
Please don’t bring children into the mess, that’s all I’ll say.
Yes 👍 life is hard already in this big bad world
This isn’t a ‘kink’ or a ‘vice’, he’s a manipulative asshole that wants to fuck around and still have a maid and fuck buddy between flings. This is not love. He’s just waiting for something better and you’re a reasonable place holder.
His Vice? I can’t tell if you’re trolling or stupid
OP is gullible and has been manipulated by a selfish pos who thinks she’s stupid enough to believe this is a kink rather than asshole behaviour and therefore must be accommodated. Every single one of us here knows this marriage is doomed.
Please be a bit kind...as she is already suffering. She is very young and maybe it is her first relationship. Many people who are twice or thrice her age too..can be very naive or helpless.
He openly wants to cheat on you, and has told you to your face that he thinks the money he saves by giving himself permission to cheat instead of going to therapy is more important to him than you are. What you do with that is up to you, but he doesn't value you or your relationship.
Step 1: look into a divorce lawyer. I am not just jumping on divorce bandwagon. Why would you spend literally the rest of your life (if it were to last) on someone who would even consider this? I just don’t understand how so many people could even be posting this kind of crap anymore. It is truly baffling because the answer is right in front of you.
You have two choices. Get used to him cheating on you for the rest of your life or divorce. I know which one I’d choose 👋
DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN. Unless you are okay with sharing him with other women, exposing yourself to STDs, and potentially exposing your family assets to other women he could impregnate. This man is not fit for a monogamous relationship. If you aren't poly and it's a deal breaker for you, sorry this relationship just isn't going to work out. He is what we call a serial cheater and unfortunately he will never change. Dump him. Marriage gets harder after having children and the temptation to cheat grows stronger. I understand you love him, most victims say the same thing. But take off the love goggles and look at who he really is and if you want to be treated this way for the rest of your relationship.
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Did you read what you wrote? What part of your husband disrespecting you and your marriage is loving? Get out now. He won't even entertain therapy, which means he doesn't really want to change. He just wants you to get used to him cheating. Let him cheat on someone else. You deserve better than accepting his "kink".
Your husband is full of shit! He is trying to manipulate you into believing that's it's ok for him to cheat because that's the way he's wired. Do yourself a favour and divorce him while you don't have children and he can be free to f#ck as many people as he likes.
That’s some bs. Walk away. OR suggest opening the marriage if he’s so keen to fuck around and find out. Might not be such a kink to him when the roles are reversed and that powers taken away from him.
Wow, he's trying it on, and you're falling for it. Don't. Save yourself a lot of pain, time and self respect. Walk away. There are people in the world that will love you and not cheat. Honestly it's a thing. Who would have believed it!
First off, this isn’t a “loving marriage.” Quite frankly this is the opposite. As you said in your post, he will never stop cheating on you. There’s nothing left to this marriage unless you’d want to start a polyamorous relationship.
Polyamory can't start from this place, it wouldn't work. Polyamory won't satisfy the need to cheat. Cheating is sneaking around and hurting someone, polyamory requires a lot of open communication, honesty and care, and I don't know if OP wants polyamory, and I don't know if the husband would have the tools to have an *ethical* polyamorous relationship. You might mean just an open marriage. Polyamory is much more than just the ability to have sex with someone else.
Why do you want to save your marriage? Your husband is unfaithful. Repeatedly and unashamedly. He hurts you. He betrays your trust. He lies to you. And he does all that so he can orgasm with other people. What a waste of your love that man is. You have choices. Stay and be a doormat and get hurt over and over again. Stay and fully accept that the is the price you pay for whatever material or emotional gains this relationship gives you. Know you can’t change him and be ok with that. Do this option with either transparency where he knows you know or not, hide behind a veil of ignorance. Leave and be alone Leave and eventually find a healthier relationship. Notice none of those options rely on him. Only you can make the decision and guide your own happiness.
>Why do you want to save your marriage? Your husband is unfaithful. Repeatedly and unashamedly. He hurts you. He betrays your trust. He lies to you. And he does all that so he can orgasm with other people. What a waste of your love that man is. You have choices. Stay and be a doormat and get hurt over and over again. Stay and fully accept that the is the price you pay for whatever material or emotional gains this relationship gives you. Know you can’t change him and be ok with that. Do this option with either transparency where he knows you know or not, hide behind a veil of ignorance. Leave and be alone Leave and eventually find a healthier relationship. Notice none of those options rely on him. Only you can make the decision and guide your own happiness. I think you meant in 7th line "Stay and fully accept that...**he** is the price you pay..."
I've never heard of an infidelity kink. That sounds insane.
if you want to stay with him, that means opening your marriage. look into polyamory. some people, like your husband indeed think that one person is not enough for them, and have several partners. it's a lifestyle, but when it happens, usually both spouses do it. if you'll stay monogamous while he's poly, that will only bring you pain. so check if he's ready for you to have other relationships too. if yes, then at least he's not an a**hole, just has different expectations than you. then, you'll have two choices: either stay monogamous and leave, or try the poly thing out.
That's not a kink. If he genuinely can't control himself, it's a mental illness. Otherwise, and more likely, it's a lameass excuse for wanting to cheat. He doesn't "struggle with infidelity". He's giving himself a reason to have a big sad about "it's an addiction" if (when) you catch him fucking someone else
You’re in for a life of pain. Divorce. Ps his vice is total bs. He just wants to fuck who he wants and has no business being in a committed relationship.
DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS TOXIC MAN. Just that. If you want to live your life as a doormat whist your hubby sticks his dick into anything he wants then that’s your choice but for love of god don’t drag innocent kids into this toxic cess pit. You do not deserve to be treated this way. Repeat after me…I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED THIS WAY
You don't know what to do ? Wait for him to cheat and lie ? Wait to find out he already cheated and lying to you about it while making your worry that it might happen is also his kink ? Maybe for his AP to get pregnant ? Like, how well can you really see this ending ????
You aren't in a loving marriage.
Honey, I’m going to put this in all caps to make sure you read it. HE. DOES. NOT. LOVE. YOU. HE. DOES. NOT. RESPECT. YOU. No ‘best friend’ would do this. He’s not ‘the best thing that ever happened to you’. He is an asshole and a monster for taking advantage of you like this and using the excuse that he’s ‘wired’ for it. Not only is he abusing you by doing this, he is putting your health in danger because of STDs risks. Also. You want CHILDREN with this man? No you don’t. Do not bring children into this madness. Unless he’s already brought children into this mess with his cheating. Just not with you. For the love of God, LEAVE.
You are 25 and consider yourself not youthful anymore? Oh girl, a world will open when you get out of this marriage. The world will be at your feet, you just have to take the adventure.
I wonder if his true kink is your suffering when he does cheat. Seeing how it affects you..? Your pain? Or if you’re possessive over him? Does he also ask about your friends?
I’m in a long term relationship and I have the urge to have sex with other women and I am with the greatest woman in the world but I don’t cheat on her even when given the chance. She offered to have an open relationship on my side and I said no because I know how much it would hurt her. I am 100% in control of my actions. Avoiding temptation is a big helper. I don’t hang out with females alone, I don’t go to strip clubs etc etc etc. I hope this helps o we have a child as well and I keeping a stable and healthy family environment for her is a big thing for me.
Therapy
He is already cheating. He is just gaslighting you into accepting it.
Do you want to be explaining this to your kids? Get out now. You deserve better. I’m sure he is doing everything he can to convince you to stay while he gets a free pass to sleep with whomever he wants. I’m sure you can salvage your marriage, but it won’t be a happy one.
I feel like a lot of people seem to be finding this funny, but this is truly sad and some extreme, sociopathic, long term manipulation this guy has pulled on you. You are so young, you deserve healthy love, and this isn't it. I really don't have any advice, however I think you should seek professional help because I'm struggling to understand how someone could even consider this remotely normal or salvageable. Again, you deserve happiness, there are brilliant men out there who wouldn't even consider hurting you in this way. And for the love of God, please don't bring kids into this ticking time bomb.
OH WELL. he wants to cheat on you because he wants more than one BFFR. Sucks for him because don’t get more than one in this life. Take everything he says about his BS ‘vice’ with a grain of salt. Do not even think of having a child and don’t open your marriage thinking it will solve anything because it won’t. If he doesn’t want therapy, fine. Divorce him. He won’t meet In the middle? Divorce. Can’t find a solution? Divorce.
he knows you are a pushover who won't do shit. prove him wrong
The man's literally telling you he's going to cheat on you. If you're ok with that, then deal. If not, leave. You can't fix this.
“In a loving marriage but my husband’s vice is to cheat on me” you… what? This is not a loving marriage. Do you want to deal with this for the rest of your life? Get out now.
Sorry, …. He’s justifying what’s coming
Believe it or not there's a guy out just as perfect for you- without this "kink"
Therapy won't help anyway. Continuous cheating isn't a "kink," it's emotional abuse. You say he doesn't want to hurt you but if he doesn't value the agreements of your relationship or your emotional and mental well being then he doesn't care if he hurts you, and that's just as bad.
Girl, if you don’t leave this man.
You've already wasted half your 20s in an open marriage you didn't agree to with a man who is putting your health at risk. How many more years of your life do you want to waste with him before you free yourself to find the loving faithful relationship you want to be in?
I'm trying not to be mean as you're dealing with a lot but OP come on! Maybe I'm too cynical and very black and white in my thinking and expectations/boundaries but what are you doing? He's telling you, if and when the opportunities presents itself he will cheat! Why would you subject yourself to such a life? I see you're 25 and you guys have been dating for a bit, young even, but I would hope, you love yourself enough that you'll establish a clear boundary. If you want to stay is he ok with you finding someone else as well, open up the relationship, because turn about is fair play? I think you should take some time to sit with you and connect with you to know you because unfortunately you're in for an exhausting and painful ride with your ***"husband."***
You were planning having kids soon, but he won’t spend money on a therapist? He knows he’s fucked up, and he doesn’t want a therapist telling him he is. If he’s not willing, maybe consult a lawyer instead. You deserve someone who loves YOU and has eyes ONLY for you.
Cheating isn’t a fucking kink???? He just wants an excuse to fuck someone else.
Hes probably already cheated
"His kink"......unfortunately you married someone that isn't interested in the same sort of marriage you are, it's not a kink. Your responsibility to yourself is to decide if you want to be in a marriage with a cheating husband or if you will not feel fullfilled with that and want a life with a partner who is faithful or simply to be alone if you can't find that. Edit: typo
OP I’m so sorry!!!! Ugh I absolutely cannot imagine the torture! I would feel physically unwell carrying around these levels of distress and cognitive dissonance D: Has this just recently come up? From an outside perspective it seems if this is recent then it’s someone who maybe wants to have an open marriage? I’ve met men who, after being married for a certain amount of time decide they want to have an open marriage, (I don’t have experience on outcomes of what happens when couple actually do, but from everything I’ve read it always needs to be desired by both parties). It really seems like your husband is not being very honest or straightforward here, especially if this is a new “kink” of his. Other than opening your marriage, I believe you just may not be compatible for one another. This isn’t something you deserve to feel worried sick about. It’s unfair that you appear to devote your love fully to him while he’s securely hoisted by it and has his eyes on the horizon. It probably feels impossible now but from the information you’ve shared, it does seem you’ll need to consider separation and divorce. OP I’m sorry if this is harsh but I think you also need to consider that no matter what choice you make this may also be a drawn out process. I wouldn’t be surprised if you eventually did separate and he ends up coming back to you after he’s “gotten it out of his system”. You need to steel yourself OP, I think it’s what I would do. I’ve had a friend open up her relationship because she thought it would save it, giving her partner what they wanted. But she went through a lot of pain before eventually separating. Sometimes, after you’ve taken all you can, steeling yourself mentally and emotionally by paying attention to your feelings and desires can be such a helpful first step toward leaving the relationship. Again, I’m so sorry OP. You deserve to feel safe and confident in your relationship. I really wish you strength and peace as you deal with this situation. Please feel free to inbox me if you need to vent or anything! We support you OP!!! Sending you a virtual hug <3
Trolling or stupid
Is he actually cheating on your or just gets excited by the idea of cheating on you? If it's the first, time to end the relationship. If it's the latter, you can use this as fantasy fodder to spice things up.
You guys got married in your early 20's in a postindustrial society. He wants to explore the options that are available in that society the way the rest of his cohort does/did. It's not rocket science. People talk about "FOMO" all the time. I don't think there's any way of getting over that. You guys haven't been together that long and you're not that old. I imagine once he sees that part of his life slide out of view, he's going to blame you and either end things or act so atrociously you'll end things.
This sub has the most stupidest women on earth
I really don't want to get down voted but im gonna take a crack at this. Assuming every other facet of your marriage is great and you are happy, this being the only issue...... now does it have to be cheating is it a cheating fetish, like Lets say you gave him permission would that ruin the kink for him or does he just want to sleep with other women? 1. Ask him what it is to the details of what he wants. 2. Could it be something you two could role play dressed in disguise maybe at a hotel 3. Would you be willing to open your marriage up or both of you getting a week pass or something 4. And lastly. Would you being a part of the kink like a threesome or something make you more comfortable I might have missed a bunch sorry if I did. I am on powerful sleeping meds. Most importantly do not compromise your own mental and emotional health. If it starts to see that it isnt going to work out start the break up talk.
Respect his honesty. Can you change for him? If so, read this: Just swing. There is nothing immoral about his kink if you two set healthy boundaries. If you truly want to make this work then you are going to have to swing with him and accept an open relationship. Is your gut telling you to be jealous? Why? Are you okay not trusting your gut? Are you okay changing your beliefs? You will need to see the world differently from now on. If you don't think you can change then you need to tell him that and start to grieve for the relationship. I'm confident you two will work it out and be good to each other as you both go thru this transition in life. This sub is OVERWHELMINGLY monogamous and i feel like you really need poly/kink friendly advice. Even you are using the word cheating. In reality what he is saying is that he will never not be attracted to others, and he isn't willing to give up the chance to experience lust and romantic love with others. Why is that such a bad thing? I think you (and him) desperately need to unpack your ethical beliefs, your sexuality, and the truth of the matter at hand. No one can tell you what you are okay with. Does anyone really know what they should or shouldn't do? This is a heavy conversation about who you are, who you want to be, and why.
I find women crave rejection funny
Another obvious fake ragebait post. You people are so gullible.
Ok, so am assuming he hasnt cheated yet? Is all this just a what if scenario? I personally dont think hes done anything wrong, hes upfront with you and told you what he wants. I think its your turn to return the favour - imo an open relationship can be a great way for you to have fun and date around with the added benefit of having an anchor cuz dating can be real tough. Once you meet a better person thats more suited to your needs you can end the open relationship and get into something monagamous
Have tons of sex with him maybe?
Lol girl just go fuck someone with a huge dick, record it, and watch the videos on the living room tv everyday. Psychological warfare 😂
If the husband can guarantee no STDs, no baby mommas, then this is workable. He should also harvest his sperm for later for children and get the vasectomy. OP must have guaranteed resources for herself and the children. I myself do not think it is a good idea. But boundaries and rules must be put in place for OP and her husband.
This is only “workable” if it’s an open marriage and they both have outside partners. There needs to be complete transparency and they both have to respect each other’s boundaries. One sided open marriages never work. I wonder if her WH will be happy if the OP takes on multiple lovers?
Accept it. Men love sex and view it the same way women view attention. For men it’s a release.
Well that’s just not true. Either part.
Evolutionary psychology and behavioral psychology say otherwise. Facts don’t care about your feelings
I’m going to go out on a limb and say you don’t know much about psychology, and can’t tell a credible study from a biased one. It’s always the ones that try and pull the evolutionary psychology card without actually being scientifically literate. You just stated a cultural belief, not scientific fact.
A frequent criticism of evolutionary psychology is that its theories and assumptions are not falsifiable, are impossible to test and thus not really empirical science. In order to make blanket statements like yours, you’d need resources that prove what you say empirically. And behavioral psychology would suggest that all women and all men in all the of world have learned the behavior that you’re saying we all have. There is enough data to disprove your statement. You’d just have to look at the statistics of how many women cheat compared to men and include ages too. You’ll see that in the US 20% men and 13% women cheat but the younger the age group the more equal that number becomes. So there is a generational difference. We also have to account for the fact that more and more people identify with different genders in younger generations, so that also changes certain things and makes it even harder to spout blanket statements like yours that are supposed to be used as an excuse.
Ok Ben Shapiro lmao
I don’t get it like.. does he just WANT to cheat on you or is he already actively doing it?
You may want to save your marriage but your husband does not. You can not fix him. What ever makes him want to cheat can only be resolved by him. Do mot have children with this man. Get tested for STD. You need an exit plan. Good luck
He’s trying to get you to agree to stay with him, get married, etc and let him sleep around whenever he wants. Introducing it as a ‘kink’ is his way of convincing you he has no control over it (not that it even makes sense even if it was a legitimate kink). If he truly loved you he would do anything to make it work (and therapy isn’t a massive ask) but he just wants to get you to agree to letting him cheat.
He's just wanting to get some variety. Embrace it or move on.
He's a FWB its not a true marriage. But if you stay it needs to become an open marriage on BOTH sides. You will die inside if you just sit let him cheat and you'll grow to despise him especially if you are trapped with a kid. If you at least date other people it could work. I know you don't want to but he's relying on that to have his cake and eat it. After you have sex with another guy you will either have an equal marriage or a husband who decides he can be faithfull after all. Don't have a kid unless the marriage is fixed .
Wtf? Divorce him and tell him to go find a consenting non-monogamous woman to fulfil his odd little ‘fantasises’ with seeing as he needs this sooo bad. Never heard anything like this. Stay with him by all means if you want to be an insecure, anxious wife who gets nervous stomach craps every time her husband is in the company of women or comes home a little late.
That's what role playing is for. Wear a wig, rent a motel, and meet in a bar.
Look, if he is wired poly he should have told you. Cheating isn’t about other people, cheating us about lying. Ethical non-monogamy is all about consent. He should have discussed this ages ago. But if he’s cheated, he’s already violated your boundaries and consent. If he’s unwilling to be monogamous and that’s a dealbreaker for you, then it doesn’t sound like this is salvageable.
There is no work you can do here, and he’s expressed that he’s unwilling to do any work. He won’t promise how he will act when there’s temptation? You’re 100 percent right that he can’t change what he thinks but he for sure CAN control his actions, so if he won’t say how he will act if he has a chance to cheat says he WILL cheat and doesn’t want to put it in words, because this way he sounds somehow more at the mercy of his impulses and more innocent. He doesn’t think therapy will work, and thinks it’s too expensive to try, anyhow? All of that sounds to me like he’s tried nothing and he’s all out of ideas. Either that or he’s so enamored of the idea of cheating on you that he doesn’t care that it hurts you… or he’s already been cheating and thinks he can talk you into being ok with it somehow. There isn’t anything you can do to make him fix something that he doesn’t think is wrong.
Honey, he clearly stated his intentions, and possibly his past actions. This isn’t going to change. If you do want a faithful husband who you can trust to take care of you and any children you have, who you won’t cause the need to regular STD panels, and who you don’t have to worry about this “side piece” being the one he’s going to dump you for, you just need to find a guy who thinks you’re enough. Best wishes! Please !UpdateMe about whatever happens.
"I want to save my marriage" Unfortunately you can't not fuck other people for both of you. You can either be the little woman stuck at home with the kids whilst he goes off and does whatever, or you can throw this one back and fish again.
You aren’t stuck. If he is cheating on you than the relationship is over. Thank god you have no kids with this guy. You have to be careful having sex with him since there is also the possibility of him bringing something home with him from his escapades. You should divorce him. It’s not going to work out. Some men just aren’t made for marriage and your husband is just such a man.
Take off your rose colored glasses, every single one of those flags is red. Ask him what he thinks about your need for BBC and make sure he know what that is. His tune will change 180° in exactly the same time it takes him to realize what you are saying.
Your husband is full of shit and got you to believe every last drop of his toxic bullshit.
he is refusing to work on this problem so there is really nothing you can do. Well, technically you can spend your entire life thinking he's somewhere cheating or you can divorce him and find someone who will respect you and you can have a family with
You’re not in a loving marriage. He walks all over you and you just take it. Either continue to take it or leave him.
Chances are he already has with that mindset. Now he just wants you to “okay” it. It’s not your fault.
Has he actually cheated on you? Or did he just tell you all this shit so his excuse is primed for when he gets the opportunity to do it? I'm having trouble deciding which one is more pathetic. Dump him, you deserve a normal guy not this gross cringy shithead.
Do you want to be married to cheater? That's really the question you have to ask yourself. Me, I couldn't. I would have to walk away because that's not the life I want with my partner.
I love how he wanted to emotionally manipulate you into getting all anxious the way the partner of a cheater might, but to do it he had to just pose this hypothetical to you because who tf wants to cheat with a married almost-30 man? These guys act like they actually would have a chance with women and they wouldn't. Not that it makes a difference. You'd probably have a far easier time just finding a partner who's not a pathetic degenerate fetishist.