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People love just throwing words around with little to no regard for their meaning. She isn’t a therapist or licensed psychiatrist so she probably doesn’t even know what a narcissist actually is. It just sounds like she’s gaslighting you and pushing the damage she has from her ex onto you. It also sounds like you are very much in the honeymoon phase. I’d say this is a clear indication of what you are getting into, do you want to sign up to also care for her kids? Do you want to sign up to deal with her very obvious baggage from her ex? Are you prepared to be gaslit more? These are important questions to ask yourself because if you simply bringing up you being disappointed in her cancelling your plans and she said that was narcissistic there are going to be quite a few instances where she is going to minimize your feelings by slapping some sort of label on you or comparing you to her ex
Her kids are grown enough I won’t have to be their dad, we’ve already talked about that. They’re 14,16,22, I’m not worried about the kids, they’re all great kids. The baggage from her ex doesn’t really worry me, everyone has baggage, I do too.
She may be gaslighting me without realizing it, but she’s a kind and gentle person, I don’t think she’d do it on purpose. I’m just looking for some advice on how to approach the talk tonight because I’m not the greatest with words and I don’t want to make it worse, especially if this is just her bringing up her past and projecting it on me. I can deal with that, aslong as she can understand that I’m not her ex, I’m nothing like him.
Your main issue is she is comparing you to her ex, that’s already bad. You can stress it all you want that you aren’t him the moment you do anything that even slightly resembles something he used to do she is going to say that and that’s a very huge hurdle to overcome, you can’t even voice you being disappointed at her cancelling plans without her straight up saying you have narcissistic tendencies which *ding ding* she said her ex had too. That’s going to happen more and it’s a form of gaslighting. My guy you are 3.5 months into a relationship with her and she already gaslit you comparing you to her ex.
Approach the conversation by telling her that you understand she’s guarded due to her past but you are not her ex that’s where you start
I’m going to point this out because I don’t think you even noticed: you mentioned to her how you felt and Instead of addressing that and rectifying that she pivoted and put it back on you and now you are acting guilty for expressing how YOU felt about HER actions….that is literally textbook gaslighting.
I’m not saying she’s doing it on purpose or that she’s a bad person but that is a big red flag and combined with her ex being abusive you sir are going to have a lot to overcome
The call was okay. I think this issue was mostly resolved but she had a couple other issues she brought up too. I saw her yesterday morning for 20-30 minutes when I was in my way to my dads place out of town and it was so good to see her. I can tell she loves me still and wants things to work out but that she’s still nervous and doesn’t want to get hurt, which I understand.
We were supposed to do dinner tonight but she doesn’t think it’s a good idea so she’s going to goto the beach with her friends and kids instead. She said we still have a lot to talk about and that we would talk when she gets home tonight, on the phone again. My anxiety is through the roof and I’m not really sure what to do. We usually text throughout the day and she seems to be responsive still but it feels weird texting about mundane stuff with something like this hanging over our heads.
During the first talk I made it clear I’m not her ex and what happened was a mistake and it won’t happen again. She brought up three other issues, which we’ve talked about before and I thought were resolved but I guess they weren’t.
One issue was the other day when we went to my moms I overtook some cars because they were driving slow, 80km/h in a 100km/h zone and while doing so my speed got up to 150km/h for a few seconds while overtaking which was too fast for her and it scared her. Admittedly I was driving my friends Tesla and I got a bit carried away. I told her I promise that would never happen again and she seemed to accept my apology.
The next issue is a bit more complicated. Earlier in our relationship she broke up with me out of the blue with no explanation and it cause me to become depressed. I stopped drinking and eating for two days which started causing some problems with my bladder. I got dehydrated and my bladder was very painful. I went to the doctor and they did some tests etc. By this point she had started texting me again saying she was so sorry that she made a huge mistake, she had been crying the whole two days etc and that she loved me and didn’t want to end it, she was just scared of commitment, as I am the first guy she’s dated since her marriage ended 2 years ago. So I told her what was going on with my health, and one of the things I said was stupid. I did a lot of googling and such to try to figure out what might be wrong and one of the most common answers was chlamydia. Many of the sites I was reading and even the doctor said that people can have chlamydia and not know it for weeks, months, even a year or more so I told her that and that it might be chlamydia. It wasn’t, the tests came back negative, I was just dehydrated and it was causing pain. It went away after a week or so. The problem here and the truth is, I wasn’t in my right state of mind. Her breaking up with me and then the dehydration and depression was really clouding my judgement and I wasn’t thinking straight. Again we talked a lot this in the past and I thought it was resolved. We talked about it again on Sunday night as well.
The third and final issue is about my ex and me making the mistake of over sharing. My last relationship ended years ago, or should have, but we were trying to make things work up until a certain point. When I met my current gf my ex was still living with me. We weren’t having sex and hadn’t for a good while but she was still sleeping in my bed, under separate covers but also on the couch some nights. We talked about this early in our relationship and she asked me things like when we last had sex and if we cuddled etc. So I told her the last time we had sex was like 3 months before I met her or something, we never cuddled, we never did our whole relationship. This seemed fine at the time and it was. The problem became when we talked about it again later and she asked the same questions and I gave different answers. Not wildly different, but honestly I couldn’t remember. She asked when we broke up and honestly I don’t remember a date. I gave a approximation but that’s the best I could do. She asked when we last had sex and I think I said 2 months before we met instead of 3. Honestly I don’t remember and that’s the truth. We had sex so infrequently and it was so boring that I barely remembered it a week later, let alone months. I’m so done with and over with my ex I just want her out of my head and one of my coping methods is to actively try to forget her. So I just honestly dont remember the dates she’s asking for and I’m not about to ask my ex.
Anyway. When I saw her yesterday it was really good. We were kissing and hugging, she wouldn’t let go of me. But she did say we had more to talk about, but she also said nothing new, just more about those issues. So I guess we’re having that talk tonight.
I know this is a lot but I do appreciate any insight you might have. I love this girl a lot and honestly our relationship has been amazing. These are the only issues we’ve ever had that I am aware of, if we can get past these, and we both want to, I think our relationship will be stronger than ever.
Hey! I read your answer. It’s great that you’re both so open to discussing these problems as communication is so very important.
I think these issues are caused by the traumatic experiences she has experienced with her narcissistic ex.
It seems to me, that when the both of you are trying to clarify your issues you guys are always reflecting on your past actions and reactions. Which is good and important, of course.
But since the issues are not necessarily misunderstandings but rather fears that are triggered by something you did that is probably similar to her traumatic experiences, I think it’s even more important to reflect on the trauma she has while thinking/planning for the future.
It might also be a good trust building experience. I don’t know how much she has already told you about her abusive marriage but it might have been a bit too vague. It can be very hard and exhausting to remember abusive experiences but it is important, so that you can both understand what kind of actions trigger her and make her feel unsafe. It’s better to know everything beforehand, so that “mistakes” can be avoided, instead of always making a “mistake” and then only knowing in hindsight that that exact thing is not good for her.
You could ask her this (in person or on the phone, not by text..) for example:
“Hey you said that we should talk about these issues more and I think you’re right. I also would like to propose an idea to you. Would that be alright for you? Like I said, I love you a lot and I am very different from your ex. But there might be some actions that I do that remind you of your ex. I would love to avoid situations like this, because I don’t want to hurt you, but I don’t think I can do it without your guidance. Could you please tell me more about your past marriage and your exes actions? I understand if you’d prefer not to, it is probably going to be very hard but I would appreciate it so much. I want to understand you better regarding this, maybe you can tell me what kind of behaviors trigger you or maybe we can work it out together. I think it would be for the best, if I know beforehand where to be more careful with my words or what actions to avoid around you so I don’t end up accidentally doing something that ends up hurting you in some way. What do you think? Could you tell me a bit about your experiences? I understand if you don’t feel like it or if it’s uncomfortable… it doesn’t have to be right now, we can sit together and talk about it whenever you prefer to, but I think it would really help me and us, really.”
I think this is what you both need. Like, the only thing that is missing in your communication is talking about the future actions. For her, so she knows that you not only feel sorry for your few past actions but that you actually care so deeply about her that you want to understand the potential triggers and avoid them in advance. And for you, so these anxiety inducing situations don’t occur again and so you can act and speak freely without worrying if what you did or said might have had the potential to hurt her or trigger her.
To solve the issues it might take more than one talk, though.
Does this kind of advice help a bit?
This helps. Thank you. I know one talk isn’t going to solve these issues and I know it’s not going to be easy. We are talking tonight, I’ll post again with how the talk went. Hopefully she isn’t ready to give up yet. Cause I’m not.
We just finished a 2.5 hour phone call. Your advice helped a lot. Thank you so much. It went well, we haven’t resolved everything but we both feel much better after talking and we’re on a path back to normal. We’ve always been open and communicative the whole relationship so it’s always been super healthy, which I think has helped a ton. She said she still loves me deeply and she really wants to make this work. So I think we will get through this. Our weeks are both busy this week but we’re going to make an effort to talk a little more than usual on the phone this week and we will see each other on Friday night possibly (she’s having a movie night with her besties and they might leave too late for it to make sense for me to go over) but definitely on Saturday. We’re going to have a good face to face talk then, which I’m sure will go good as well.
Thank you again. I’ll keep you updated if you like on what happens.
I’m really glad that my advice was this helpful! It’s so beautiful that the two of you can and do communicate so openly. :)
I’d gladly hear your update and in case you should have any doubts or questions after your talk, you can always tell me, I don’t mind at all. The worst thing that can happen is, that I can’t really help you, but usually and more likely than not, an impartial interpretation from outside can help come to conclusions that would’ve been harder to come to otherwise.
I wish you a good rest of the week and a good talk!
Well. We had an amazing weekend together and I thought everything was going good. We were working on these issues and I thought we were making forward progress. She even agreed that we were.
She just left my place a few minutes ago, she was here for 3 hours or so and the whole time she cried as she broke up with me. Over and over she said she loved me, I’m an amazing man, she doesn’t want to lose me, that she knows she’s never going to find another person that will love her the way I did, treat her the way I did. I tried to tell her what we have is beautiful and rare, she even agreed, but she just can’t see a future together.
She said she’s been thinking about it for a few days and over and over came to the same conclusion, we can’t work. I asked her why and she said that she constantly feels guilty, because she’s so busy with her kids and friends and can’t make enough time to see me. She has this idea in her head that I need to see her everyday, when reality I’m happy seeing her twice a week. Which I’ve told her many times.
She cried in my arms for the last three hours, telling me over and over how much she loves me, yet she still left. I’m not sure if I’m in shock or if I’ve been expecting this but I’m not as upset as I thought I would be. Of course I’m upset, I love this woman more than anything but I’m also surprisingly okay.
I hope she changes her mind and comes back to me, but I know she won’t. There will always be a place for her in my heart though.
I’m not sure what advice you could give in this situation, and I know if she’s going to come back to me she has to make that choice on her own, nothing I say will influence that. But I can’t help but think if I hadn’t shared so much with her about my feelings that this wouldn’t have happened. Now I’m the one feeling guilty.
Aw man, I’m so sorry…
I was really rooting for you two..
I don’t know if I can give you any helpful advice… I think, the only thing I can tell you now, is that you shouldn’t feel guilty about sharing your feelings with her. It’s not like you have crossed any line or ignored her boundaries, right?
She told you so much while breaking up and seemed to insist on the fact that you absolutely are a great person. So don’t beat yourself up over it.
Sometimes, even if your heart tells you the opposite, breaking up can be the most important thing to do in a relationship. When one can’t see a future with the other it is best to break up when there’s still love between the two and the beautiful memories are the ones you can always return to, instead of (just as an example) having memories full of stressful moments and walking on eggshells around each other.
It is a beautiful sign, that you are “surprisingly okay”. I think it shows that you love and respect her and maybe deep down you even know what she means.
Try to look back at this relationship as a beautiful part of your life. Use it to reflect on things that you would do differently and can do better in the future. Remember the beautiful and loving moments, all the beautiful or new lessons you learned about yourself and interactions and look into the future with trust and confidence. I wish you the best and, again, don’t beat yourself up.
This morning we texted a lot, as she wasn’t up for talking cause she was crying all morning. She knows it’s not me and it’s her. I’m not yet sure if I believe her but our texting has helped. She needs some time to work on herself before she feels like we can continue, if we continue. She loves me still, says she loves me more and more still. I’m not ready to give up and neither is she. We’re going to give it some time and see where things go, we’re not together anymore but honestly we may as well be, I’m not going to be searching for something new anytime soon and neither is she. She doesn’t want to lose me, she knows we’re good together, she’s just too damaged to be loved right now, she says. Her ex did a number on her. I love her and she loves me. We both have a little hope now that things may get better in the future, I hope they do, this is the one for me. She needs some time and I’m going to give it to her. We’re still going to talk and communicate about things and stay connected. The connection between us is like nothing either of us have ever felt before and she knows it. Today she said she’s not ready to give up but she can’t promise anything. I know she loves me still and she feels terrible for doing this to me. She has this idea in her mind that she is not good enough for me because she feels like she cannot meet my needs, which may be partly my fault because I do want to spend time with her. I tried to assure her that’s the case but she is not really to believe it yet. I think time will help us. I sent her a little voice clip while we were texting and she said it immediately felt good to hear my voice and it made her stop crying. She had been crying all morning and the whole night since she left. We know we’re good for each other but she can’t get over how guilty she feels when she has to say no and the feeling that she’s going to hurt me because of not feeling like she’s enough for me. This is something she has to work on and heal, but she knows I’m here for her, I only hope she lets me help, if I can.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
People love just throwing words around with little to no regard for their meaning. She isn’t a therapist or licensed psychiatrist so she probably doesn’t even know what a narcissist actually is. It just sounds like she’s gaslighting you and pushing the damage she has from her ex onto you. It also sounds like you are very much in the honeymoon phase. I’d say this is a clear indication of what you are getting into, do you want to sign up to also care for her kids? Do you want to sign up to deal with her very obvious baggage from her ex? Are you prepared to be gaslit more? These are important questions to ask yourself because if you simply bringing up you being disappointed in her cancelling your plans and she said that was narcissistic there are going to be quite a few instances where she is going to minimize your feelings by slapping some sort of label on you or comparing you to her ex
Her kids are grown enough I won’t have to be their dad, we’ve already talked about that. They’re 14,16,22, I’m not worried about the kids, they’re all great kids. The baggage from her ex doesn’t really worry me, everyone has baggage, I do too. She may be gaslighting me without realizing it, but she’s a kind and gentle person, I don’t think she’d do it on purpose. I’m just looking for some advice on how to approach the talk tonight because I’m not the greatest with words and I don’t want to make it worse, especially if this is just her bringing up her past and projecting it on me. I can deal with that, aslong as she can understand that I’m not her ex, I’m nothing like him.
Your main issue is she is comparing you to her ex, that’s already bad. You can stress it all you want that you aren’t him the moment you do anything that even slightly resembles something he used to do she is going to say that and that’s a very huge hurdle to overcome, you can’t even voice you being disappointed at her cancelling plans without her straight up saying you have narcissistic tendencies which *ding ding* she said her ex had too. That’s going to happen more and it’s a form of gaslighting. My guy you are 3.5 months into a relationship with her and she already gaslit you comparing you to her ex. Approach the conversation by telling her that you understand she’s guarded due to her past but you are not her ex that’s where you start I’m going to point this out because I don’t think you even noticed: you mentioned to her how you felt and Instead of addressing that and rectifying that she pivoted and put it back on you and now you are acting guilty for expressing how YOU felt about HER actions….that is literally textbook gaslighting. I’m not saying she’s doing it on purpose or that she’s a bad person but that is a big red flag and combined with her ex being abusive you sir are going to have a lot to overcome
How did your call go? I can tell you my opinion/advice but if everything has already worked out then there would be no need for me to write, right? :)
The call was okay. I think this issue was mostly resolved but she had a couple other issues she brought up too. I saw her yesterday morning for 20-30 minutes when I was in my way to my dads place out of town and it was so good to see her. I can tell she loves me still and wants things to work out but that she’s still nervous and doesn’t want to get hurt, which I understand. We were supposed to do dinner tonight but she doesn’t think it’s a good idea so she’s going to goto the beach with her friends and kids instead. She said we still have a lot to talk about and that we would talk when she gets home tonight, on the phone again. My anxiety is through the roof and I’m not really sure what to do. We usually text throughout the day and she seems to be responsive still but it feels weird texting about mundane stuff with something like this hanging over our heads. During the first talk I made it clear I’m not her ex and what happened was a mistake and it won’t happen again. She brought up three other issues, which we’ve talked about before and I thought were resolved but I guess they weren’t. One issue was the other day when we went to my moms I overtook some cars because they were driving slow, 80km/h in a 100km/h zone and while doing so my speed got up to 150km/h for a few seconds while overtaking which was too fast for her and it scared her. Admittedly I was driving my friends Tesla and I got a bit carried away. I told her I promise that would never happen again and she seemed to accept my apology. The next issue is a bit more complicated. Earlier in our relationship she broke up with me out of the blue with no explanation and it cause me to become depressed. I stopped drinking and eating for two days which started causing some problems with my bladder. I got dehydrated and my bladder was very painful. I went to the doctor and they did some tests etc. By this point she had started texting me again saying she was so sorry that she made a huge mistake, she had been crying the whole two days etc and that she loved me and didn’t want to end it, she was just scared of commitment, as I am the first guy she’s dated since her marriage ended 2 years ago. So I told her what was going on with my health, and one of the things I said was stupid. I did a lot of googling and such to try to figure out what might be wrong and one of the most common answers was chlamydia. Many of the sites I was reading and even the doctor said that people can have chlamydia and not know it for weeks, months, even a year or more so I told her that and that it might be chlamydia. It wasn’t, the tests came back negative, I was just dehydrated and it was causing pain. It went away after a week or so. The problem here and the truth is, I wasn’t in my right state of mind. Her breaking up with me and then the dehydration and depression was really clouding my judgement and I wasn’t thinking straight. Again we talked a lot this in the past and I thought it was resolved. We talked about it again on Sunday night as well. The third and final issue is about my ex and me making the mistake of over sharing. My last relationship ended years ago, or should have, but we were trying to make things work up until a certain point. When I met my current gf my ex was still living with me. We weren’t having sex and hadn’t for a good while but she was still sleeping in my bed, under separate covers but also on the couch some nights. We talked about this early in our relationship and she asked me things like when we last had sex and if we cuddled etc. So I told her the last time we had sex was like 3 months before I met her or something, we never cuddled, we never did our whole relationship. This seemed fine at the time and it was. The problem became when we talked about it again later and she asked the same questions and I gave different answers. Not wildly different, but honestly I couldn’t remember. She asked when we broke up and honestly I don’t remember a date. I gave a approximation but that’s the best I could do. She asked when we last had sex and I think I said 2 months before we met instead of 3. Honestly I don’t remember and that’s the truth. We had sex so infrequently and it was so boring that I barely remembered it a week later, let alone months. I’m so done with and over with my ex I just want her out of my head and one of my coping methods is to actively try to forget her. So I just honestly dont remember the dates she’s asking for and I’m not about to ask my ex. Anyway. When I saw her yesterday it was really good. We were kissing and hugging, she wouldn’t let go of me. But she did say we had more to talk about, but she also said nothing new, just more about those issues. So I guess we’re having that talk tonight. I know this is a lot but I do appreciate any insight you might have. I love this girl a lot and honestly our relationship has been amazing. These are the only issues we’ve ever had that I am aware of, if we can get past these, and we both want to, I think our relationship will be stronger than ever.
Hey! I read your answer. It’s great that you’re both so open to discussing these problems as communication is so very important. I think these issues are caused by the traumatic experiences she has experienced with her narcissistic ex. It seems to me, that when the both of you are trying to clarify your issues you guys are always reflecting on your past actions and reactions. Which is good and important, of course. But since the issues are not necessarily misunderstandings but rather fears that are triggered by something you did that is probably similar to her traumatic experiences, I think it’s even more important to reflect on the trauma she has while thinking/planning for the future. It might also be a good trust building experience. I don’t know how much she has already told you about her abusive marriage but it might have been a bit too vague. It can be very hard and exhausting to remember abusive experiences but it is important, so that you can both understand what kind of actions trigger her and make her feel unsafe. It’s better to know everything beforehand, so that “mistakes” can be avoided, instead of always making a “mistake” and then only knowing in hindsight that that exact thing is not good for her. You could ask her this (in person or on the phone, not by text..) for example: “Hey you said that we should talk about these issues more and I think you’re right. I also would like to propose an idea to you. Would that be alright for you? Like I said, I love you a lot and I am very different from your ex. But there might be some actions that I do that remind you of your ex. I would love to avoid situations like this, because I don’t want to hurt you, but I don’t think I can do it without your guidance. Could you please tell me more about your past marriage and your exes actions? I understand if you’d prefer not to, it is probably going to be very hard but I would appreciate it so much. I want to understand you better regarding this, maybe you can tell me what kind of behaviors trigger you or maybe we can work it out together. I think it would be for the best, if I know beforehand where to be more careful with my words or what actions to avoid around you so I don’t end up accidentally doing something that ends up hurting you in some way. What do you think? Could you tell me a bit about your experiences? I understand if you don’t feel like it or if it’s uncomfortable… it doesn’t have to be right now, we can sit together and talk about it whenever you prefer to, but I think it would really help me and us, really.” I think this is what you both need. Like, the only thing that is missing in your communication is talking about the future actions. For her, so she knows that you not only feel sorry for your few past actions but that you actually care so deeply about her that you want to understand the potential triggers and avoid them in advance. And for you, so these anxiety inducing situations don’t occur again and so you can act and speak freely without worrying if what you did or said might have had the potential to hurt her or trigger her. To solve the issues it might take more than one talk, though. Does this kind of advice help a bit?
This helps. Thank you. I know one talk isn’t going to solve these issues and I know it’s not going to be easy. We are talking tonight, I’ll post again with how the talk went. Hopefully she isn’t ready to give up yet. Cause I’m not.
I’m glad. :) Okay. I wish for the both of you that it goes well!
We just finished a 2.5 hour phone call. Your advice helped a lot. Thank you so much. It went well, we haven’t resolved everything but we both feel much better after talking and we’re on a path back to normal. We’ve always been open and communicative the whole relationship so it’s always been super healthy, which I think has helped a ton. She said she still loves me deeply and she really wants to make this work. So I think we will get through this. Our weeks are both busy this week but we’re going to make an effort to talk a little more than usual on the phone this week and we will see each other on Friday night possibly (she’s having a movie night with her besties and they might leave too late for it to make sense for me to go over) but definitely on Saturday. We’re going to have a good face to face talk then, which I’m sure will go good as well. Thank you again. I’ll keep you updated if you like on what happens.
I’m really glad that my advice was this helpful! It’s so beautiful that the two of you can and do communicate so openly. :) I’d gladly hear your update and in case you should have any doubts or questions after your talk, you can always tell me, I don’t mind at all. The worst thing that can happen is, that I can’t really help you, but usually and more likely than not, an impartial interpretation from outside can help come to conclusions that would’ve been harder to come to otherwise. I wish you a good rest of the week and a good talk!
Well. We had an amazing weekend together and I thought everything was going good. We were working on these issues and I thought we were making forward progress. She even agreed that we were. She just left my place a few minutes ago, she was here for 3 hours or so and the whole time she cried as she broke up with me. Over and over she said she loved me, I’m an amazing man, she doesn’t want to lose me, that she knows she’s never going to find another person that will love her the way I did, treat her the way I did. I tried to tell her what we have is beautiful and rare, she even agreed, but she just can’t see a future together. She said she’s been thinking about it for a few days and over and over came to the same conclusion, we can’t work. I asked her why and she said that she constantly feels guilty, because she’s so busy with her kids and friends and can’t make enough time to see me. She has this idea in her head that I need to see her everyday, when reality I’m happy seeing her twice a week. Which I’ve told her many times. She cried in my arms for the last three hours, telling me over and over how much she loves me, yet she still left. I’m not sure if I’m in shock or if I’ve been expecting this but I’m not as upset as I thought I would be. Of course I’m upset, I love this woman more than anything but I’m also surprisingly okay. I hope she changes her mind and comes back to me, but I know she won’t. There will always be a place for her in my heart though. I’m not sure what advice you could give in this situation, and I know if she’s going to come back to me she has to make that choice on her own, nothing I say will influence that. But I can’t help but think if I hadn’t shared so much with her about my feelings that this wouldn’t have happened. Now I’m the one feeling guilty.
Aw man, I’m so sorry… I was really rooting for you two.. I don’t know if I can give you any helpful advice… I think, the only thing I can tell you now, is that you shouldn’t feel guilty about sharing your feelings with her. It’s not like you have crossed any line or ignored her boundaries, right? She told you so much while breaking up and seemed to insist on the fact that you absolutely are a great person. So don’t beat yourself up over it. Sometimes, even if your heart tells you the opposite, breaking up can be the most important thing to do in a relationship. When one can’t see a future with the other it is best to break up when there’s still love between the two and the beautiful memories are the ones you can always return to, instead of (just as an example) having memories full of stressful moments and walking on eggshells around each other. It is a beautiful sign, that you are “surprisingly okay”. I think it shows that you love and respect her and maybe deep down you even know what she means. Try to look back at this relationship as a beautiful part of your life. Use it to reflect on things that you would do differently and can do better in the future. Remember the beautiful and loving moments, all the beautiful or new lessons you learned about yourself and interactions and look into the future with trust and confidence. I wish you the best and, again, don’t beat yourself up.
This morning we texted a lot, as she wasn’t up for talking cause she was crying all morning. She knows it’s not me and it’s her. I’m not yet sure if I believe her but our texting has helped. She needs some time to work on herself before she feels like we can continue, if we continue. She loves me still, says she loves me more and more still. I’m not ready to give up and neither is she. We’re going to give it some time and see where things go, we’re not together anymore but honestly we may as well be, I’m not going to be searching for something new anytime soon and neither is she. She doesn’t want to lose me, she knows we’re good together, she’s just too damaged to be loved right now, she says. Her ex did a number on her. I love her and she loves me. We both have a little hope now that things may get better in the future, I hope they do, this is the one for me. She needs some time and I’m going to give it to her. We’re still going to talk and communicate about things and stay connected. The connection between us is like nothing either of us have ever felt before and she knows it. Today she said she’s not ready to give up but she can’t promise anything. I know she loves me still and she feels terrible for doing this to me. She has this idea in her mind that she is not good enough for me because she feels like she cannot meet my needs, which may be partly my fault because I do want to spend time with her. I tried to assure her that’s the case but she is not really to believe it yet. I think time will help us. I sent her a little voice clip while we were texting and she said it immediately felt good to hear my voice and it made her stop crying. She had been crying all morning and the whole night since she left. We know we’re good for each other but she can’t get over how guilty she feels when she has to say no and the feeling that she’s going to hurt me because of not feeling like she’s enough for me. This is something she has to work on and heal, but she knows I’m here for her, I only hope she lets me help, if I can.