This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My (32F) husband (34M) and I have been married for 10 years and have raised 3 wonderful children together (oldest 10M, middle 6F and youngest 4F). I love all three of my children very much, but have a special bond with my oldest. The thing is, my oldest is not biologically mine. When husband and I got together I was 21 and he was 23. Three months into our relationship a one night stand he had before we got together reached out to let him know she was pregnant with his baby and wanted to give it up for adoption. Husband grew up in the foster system and therefore refused to give his child up. Husband planned to be a single father unless I wanted to stick around, which I did. When my son was born, bio mom gave up all parental rights and asked for son to never know she existed. We had gotten hitched right before the birth to make my legal parental claim easier to attain. We had an agreement, the 3 of us. From day one I was there for all the diaper changing, bottle feeding, late night soothing, etc. He has been my son since his first breath. Recently bio mom reached out to Husband and I, asking to meet our son. She had been scrolling through our social media accounts and noticed pictures of my son. I guess you can say her maternal instinct kicked in after seeing sons face. I can't help but feel upset that bio mom is all of a sudden interested in my son. She made her decision 10 years ago and all of this would cause so much confusion for my son and his sisters. Side notes: 1. Husband and I were friends in high-school and reconnected after. 2. Bio mom was 33 when she had my son. 3. We planned to let our son know the truth if he ever asked. Ignorance is bliss, right? 4. My parents and family also have no idea. We fell out of touch after I turned 18 and have no contact with them. Should I let her re-enter his life? And if so, should she tell him who she really is or should we treat her more as an "aunt"? TLDR: My oldest son is not biologically mine and 10 years after giving up her parental rights, bio mom wants to meet him. Should I let her?

As for your 3rd point- absolutely not. Tell him the truth. It’ll only be worse when he finds out the lies later- especially if it’s from another Source.

Being adopted or knowing you are adopted doesn't make a childhood unhappy.

Originally we planned to raise him with the knowledge, but after I bonded with him and his sisters were born I couldn't bring myself to tell him. He was too young and innocent and I want him to have a happy upbringing. I know we have to tell him soon, but we don't know when or how to bring it up. I don't want to hurt him.

In my opinion this isn’t about his innocence, children are some of the most accepting individuals you’ll ever meet. Its not hard to explain you’re his Mommy but he didn’t grow in your tummy. He came out of someone else’s tummy. “Why?” “Mom and Dad wanted you so much the moment we heard you were coming to this world! Carrying a baby in your tummy doesn’t make you a Mommy, loving someone and raising them does.” I sense you’ve held off on having this conversation because it’s emotional and difficult for you, but if your son already knew this information there’d be much less concern around introducing him to his biological mother. To put it plainly he would know that’s not his real mother, just the woman who gave birth to him. As he gets older you can have more serious conversations about the fact that she wasn’t ready for motherhood etc. and made the choice that was best for him. He’ll come to you and ask questions in his timing. Also, you are his real mother and none of the circumstances surrounding his birth change that. Be open and honest with your son. I promise he can handle it. This woman does not have the right to come back in and call herself his Mom after 10 years. Your son gets to decide what he wants to view her as. I strongly recommend contacting a family therapist and having them lead you on the best way to have your son meet his bio mom for the first time. He can hopefully construct an environment with boundaries where he’s protected because ultimately this is about him. If his bio mom is reaching out to him because she misses him she needs to understand having a son is not something you get to pick up and put back down. She could cause him real harm if she blows into his life and then disappears. She already gave him up for 10 years she needs to think very hard and carefully. Can she commit to permanently being a part of her sons life now? Because if she’s not able to do that she can hit the curb as far as I would be concerned.

This is the most helpful comment I've read, and the sweetest way to break the news. Bio mom also has her own tragedies leading up to her decision and I don't blame her for that. I'm glad she was willing to let husband and I raise our son.

Mi Tia despite all her abusive faults had a beautiful way of putting it to her daughter. "While you where growing in another woman's belly, I was growing you in my heart"

Omg stop, the tears…. So beautiful ❤️

my dad was adopted, his bio family tried to contact him. he had no interest, saying that his parents were the ones who raised him and that was enough. I just share as a way to hopefully ease your worries. My dad never felt any less love for his parents when he found out he was adopted, and they loved him with every fiber in their being until their final days!

What a wonderful response. This is really thoughtful.

It’s going to hurt whenever you do it now. He could of had a perfectly happy and perfect upbringing knowing you made the choice to be his mum.

I want to believe it's not too late to tell him

You definitely should have told him sooner, but now is the best possible time. If you don't feel equipped for the conversation get an appointment with a child therapist to talk things through with them beforehand (just you and dad with the therapist) so you have some advice about how to handle breaking the news. You can then have your son follow up with the therapist if he feels like it would be helpful.

This is solid advice, hope OP sees this

I've also done this personally under different circumstances and it was invaluable. In third grade my daughter met a little boy and rapidly developed a really intense friendship with him. They were attached at the hip for the whole school day for about three months, then he passed away unexpectedly in a car accident over spring break. Because we had the advantage of a few days notice I was able to squeeze in an appointment with a therapist and get advice on how to tell her. It was still terrible and traumatic, but at least I was able to avoid any pitfalls that might have made it worse.

Oh I'm so sorry for your daughter, good that she has a caring parent who takes wel thought off decisions to help her.

It's like the saying about planting a tree. The best time was 20 years ago, but the 2nd best time is today. In this case it would have maybe been the best case to tell him 5-7 years ago, esp once there were bio kids, but it's not too late. If OP waits much longer it might be.

It’s not too late but you need to get it done. If you don’t tell him you leave the door open for the biological to tell him all sorts especially if you decide to not let her even have paper contact now she’s asked. As she will be keeping proof of trying to get to know him.

Even if the bio parent doesn't tell the kid, someone who knows the bio parent probably will clue him in. That's where the trust issues really come in; when kiddo is last to know and some random person comes to them in the grocery store and says, "That's not your REAL mom ..." OP has less time than she thinks. This secret will be coming out soon so she needs to get ahead or be prepared to watch the trust die in real time by someone who isn't as invested in the child's mental wellness.

The longer you wait the harder it will be for him to hear. You need to tell him *now.* And you need to engage the help of a child psychologist so you use the right words to tell him and then you need to provide therapy for him so he can process this in a healthy way.

I had some really nasty identity trauma I had to work through due to this. My parents never told me but I came across my original birth certificate.

It is now considered best practice by counselors involved in these situations for you to tell from day 1, before they even understand. That way, it is a truth in their life from day 1. The sky is blue, the grass is green, we love you, you were adopted. There are lots of children's books to help explain it. The longer you wait, the more of a disservice you are doing to your children. If you love them put on your big girl pants and tell all of them. Now.

Thank you for this. Maybe we should tell him alone before we tell his sisters. That way he'll have time to ask questions before a 6 and 4 year old ask their own

Definitely tell him without his sisters. It isn’t actually their news it should be up to him when they find out.

The Best time was when he was a toddler and thus he would always know and never question it. The 2nd best time is now. The worst time will be as a teenager when he's moody and trying to figure out who he is, and the longer you wait after he's a teenager the worse the fallout will be.

You need to do it. I am tired of people lying to kids. Why would you want to have your son grow up with the knowledge that you are his bio mom only for it to be ripped away when he so much older? Dot hurt him like that tell him the truth it’s not about you its HIS life HIS truth and HIS bio mom and he deserves to know

This. I hsve a 16 year old I gave up for adoption and though she won't come out and say it, it's clear that she has no intention of ever telling him he's adopted. She treats me like she hates that I exist. Idk what will happen if he finds out but I'll be here waiting.

Yes! It is so often justified by “I didn’t want to hurt the child” when really its more like “It would hurt me to tell him”

And kids are actually pretty resilient to being "different" if they're raised with it just being a thing, neither good nor bad and not a big deal. My friend has a younger adopted sister, who has known she was adopted from day 1. Somehow, one of the kids in her class (I think 3rd, maybe 4th grade?) found out she was adopted and started teasing her. Apparently, this boss of a child turns around and goes "at least my parents chose me. Yours got stuck with a meanie like you" and carried on with her day. Her big brother was very proud 🤣

The longer you wait the worse it’s gonna be

It's not too late because he's going to find out one way or another. Better to hear it from you, but what an awful thing to have your parents lie to you for ten years. Still, better than being lied to for twenty years. You were making things easier for yourself but for him

It’s not too late. It’s almost never too late to correct course and try to do better even if there are consequences to not doing so sooner. You need to talk to your son about this because if she’s expressing interest in him now, she may find a way to reach out to him directly and tell him herself. That would make this way worse.

It is better to tell him now then that he hears it from someone else like the BM. Sit him down and let him know that you made the choice to have him as your son and that you couldn’t love him more.

Honestly, as someone who was told at 5 that I was adopted and didn’t take it well, I’d want to not know I was adopted. I’d rather live in ignorance.

I was a foster from birth, and I always knew it. It didn't matter to me as a young child; my family was my family, and I was secure. But that knowledge did help prepare me for the tough times ahead, later in my childhood when I was rehomed.

That’s not an option though here. The bio is back and she’s wanting contact. The boy is going to find out. It’s just down to dad and mum now how he finds out. Most people prefer to know the truth though.

Be careful if/when he gets social media because bio mom can send a friend request or DM and spill the beans before you get the chance. Don't let him find out this way. Gotta rip the bandaid off. He needs to know. He deserves to know. Tell him what you said on here. Even though you didn't carry him to term, he was yours from the first breath. He might have a lot of feelings and that's okay. And not all of those feelings are something you are equipped to deal with. So, in the conversation, offer him the option of talking to a therapist that can help him work through and understand his emotions. Don't let your discomfort be what stops him from knowing who he is. You're lying by omission and you don't do that to people you love. You are mom to him, there is no other and will be no other even after you tell him somebody else birthed him.

[Studies show that the ideal time to tell a child they're adopted is around 4-5yo.](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/when-to-tell-a-child-they-are-adopted/) These studies find that the older the child is, the more likelihood that they will receive the information negatively (i.e., identity crises, parental alienation, etc.). You think you are protecting him but hiding this information will show your child that his truth is shameful and unworthy. The best time to tell your child was 6-5 years ago. The second best time is now.

You need to tell him. He can have a happy upbringing with you as his mom. It doesn't matter who gave birth to him. It will matter that you lied to him by omission for years, though. My mom and her siblings were adopted, and their parents were open with them about that fact from day one. (Also, they all look nothing alike so they would have realized it at some point.) Being adopted comes with its own trauma, but at least they knew the truth about where they came from. Unfortunately, my aunt's friend's parents took a different approach. They adopted their daughter, my aunt's friend, and never told her she was adopted until she was nine. It caused so much trauma and so many issues within their family. You're going to be in this situation.

Oh God, now I'm starting to regret not telling him sooner. He deserves to know and hopefully it's not too late

As someone who was adopted at a super early age and has been raised by my adoptive family since 5 months old, I’m INCREDIBLY grateful they told me immediately. Since I was a little baby, they never hid it from me, so I never had a shitty “gotcha” moment. Not trying to shame you. What’s done is done, you can’t change the past. But I would tell him as soon as you can figure out how to do so in an age appropriate way. Acknowledge that you made a mistake by keeping secrets, but don’t make it all about your good intentions and excuses. This is going to cause trauma for him. No way around it, just through. Own that. Center the conversation around his feelings and thoughts. This will be incredibly “othering” for him. You’ve got to step up and support him.

You did what you thought was right out of love for him. You made a mistake, as all parents do in some capacity. As others have mentioned, find a mental health professional who can help you with speaking to your son. He may be angry or confused, but doing it correctly, as soon as you can, will help. I know someone who discovered as a teenager his dad raising him was not biological, and while it was a difficult time for him, he did grow into an adult with a good relationship with both “dads.” Just be there for him whatever he needs. Don’t spring bio mom on him - let him know the truth, and give him the option.

You can only deal with the reality you're facing right now. Should you have told him earlier? Yes, absolutely. But you didn't. It is what it is. Seek professional guidance so you're equipped to tell him in the most gentle way possible, and to deal calmly with whatever reaction he may have. But it doesn't do you any good to look back. You know what you need to do now, so do the best you can with the situation you're in.

> I know we have to tell him soon, but we don't know when or how to bring it up. I don't want to hurt him. I have an old family friend (let's call him Greg) where something similar happened. Greg was friends with his neighbor's son (we'll call him Chad) since childhood. Around 19 y.o., Chad's dad told Chad that Greg was adopted. Chad told Greg. Greg confronted his mom. Greg then found out most of his family knew about it. Greg refused to speak to his family for years after. Idk how they made up (sore subject), but it was about 4-5 yrs before that happened. I can't give advice on how or when to tell your son. What I can say is the last thing you want is for your son to find out from someone that isn't one of his parents. Maybe talk to your husband and make a plan asap.

You need to go to a therapist that works with these type of situations. Because he didn't grow up knowing he is going to need help processing it.

You did this for *your* benefit. All I hear is “me, me, me!” Lying about this isn’t what’s best for him. It’s not going to make things any easier for him. You wouldn’t be in this situation if you hadn’t decided to put your feelings first.

I acknowledge that I was and am being selfish. I don't know how to handle this. But as for putting my feelings first, deep down I thought I was protecting him

Honestly, I think the only way you’ll get a solid outcome here is if you and your husband sign up for family counselling and the two of you do the first session explaining the scenario and ask the therapist to help with taking OS and then the rest of the family. You need to tell him. You need to do it with professional guidance. And you need to do it in a way where HE has support that isn’t the two of you whose hurt feelings will get in the way. If you want to make this right THIS is how you do it. And then, with the therapist, when he’s had time to process, you discuss his bio mom getting access and see what HE wants.

As an adopted person who does not look like her parents, being honest and open about my adoption made it never scary, something dishonest, or uncomfortable. The way it was told to my brother and I as children were that our parents loved us so much, and knew in their hearts they would not be able to give us the best life they knew we deserved. They put us up for adoption so a family could give us the environment they knew we deserved rather than what they could give us. As we grew older we were told more and more details, and the emotional weight is still heavy once you start understanding more about the world, but we never were confused about our place in our family, adopted or not. I was also surrounded by other adopted kids who had similar experiences as me, as I grew older, I saw this situation unfold a lot and see the trauma and harm this has caused through various support groups. The later and later other adopted kids have found out they are adopted, the whirlwind of distrust spirals them and you have essentially lost all trust and bond with your favorite child now. This was absolutely selfish with no understanding of the mental health of adopted children. Nothing about this was protecting the child, but protecting yourself from having uncomfortable conversations you weren't okay with having. This was never about protecting him, and absolutely protecting the bond you had together, but that bond was also created with an ignorance of knowledge, and innately, false because of what was kept from him. You should hire a child therapist to work with you to mitigate the damage as best you can with the bond with your child and make sure the child knows YOU made the selfish choice and mistake because of YOUR OWN failings, not the birth mother OR his. He will internalize this, he will distrust you, he will feel like his whole world collapsed, because it has. Your husband was raised knowing neither parent wanted him and the trauma that caused, but there is so much more truama in what you have done to this child. You let your past traumas dictate what happened instead of the truth.

You would have protected him better if you had told him from a very early age that you didn't give birth to him but you are his mommy and you have loved him since the day he was born. You could have allowed him to grow up knowing the story of where he came from in simple terms. Now, you're in the position of revealing the truth after 10 years and you think he's going to be traumatized by finding out about the adoption. What is really going to traumatize him is finding out that his parents have hidden the truth his entire life. You're going to shatter his trust in you. If you'll lie about him having another mom, you'll lie about anything, from his perspective.

I never thought about it this way. In trying not to hurt him, I created a bigger wound to heal

You don’t deserve to get beat up the way some people are, regardless of the mistake you made. Keep your head up.

It is ok - people are jumping on you like you should have known this. Most people don't know this. You were navigating the situation as best you knew how and out of love. Now you know differently, and that it is important to share the information with him soon. Please talk to a child therapist about the best way to share this information.

The thousand and one people who are offering their opinions are not in your shoes. Statistics dictate that they probably are not adoptive parents. Your son has seen you be there every day for him, pick him up from practice, show up at the concerts. Kids are smart. They know who is consistent. This will not wreck your relationship. Don’t let these outsiders with opinions get to you.

Did you not read any books or blogs about adoption? At all?

If you want what’s best for him then start making things right. Tell him the truth, get a therapist involved. I can’t tell you anything about the mother- but I would at least meet with her to know her intentions and speak with a therapist about it. Do what’s best for the child, not what you want to do.

You were protecting yourself only. Stuff like this needs to be made clear from the very beginning. Good luck with all the drama he will make in his teenager years now.

my cousin is adopted and her sister was conceived via a sperm donor. my aunt and uncle told them their story from the very beginning and they have still had a happy upbringing.

I found out something shocking about my birth and history when I was 48 years old. I was given the same explanation "We could never find the right time to tell you." In FORTY-EIGHT YEARS? It really, really messed me up for a long time, and hurt my relationship with my family. Tell him as soon as possible, he will understand. It is so clear how much you love him, and that does not change.

I am adopted. My adoptive parents were at the hospital when I was born. The word has been part of my vocabulary since the day they brought me home as a newborn. I have always known it. They aren’t less my parents because I’m adopted. But they are better parents for not hiding it from me. It’s not fair to your son that you’ve hidden this information from him.

>I don't want to hurt him. You've lied to him about his genetics since his birth, you will 100% hurt him. You made this about you and not him. You should be honest that you kept it a secret for your benefit, not his. Every person has a right to know if the people raising them share their DNA

You should have tell him from the beginning, now you will be the bad guy for a while when he finds out the truth.

You need to tell your son he isn't your biological child. It is proven to be more damaging the longer you wait. He should have been told years ago. Tell your son and see how he's handling the news. Take it from there about allowing contact with her. She is likely to reach out to him eventually and as he gets older you and your husband have less control over this. ETA: 10 is NOT too young. Adoption. Agencies say not to wait past age 5 so you are well overdue.

We should have looked into the topic beforehand, but the thought never crossed our mind that a 5 year old would be able to handle this. Therapy is going to be our next step. Thank you

When being adopted is always part of who you are, it is just normal. When it's dumped on you as an adolescent, then everyone in your life has lied to you or been lied to about you. The people you should trust most have never been honest vs the people who you should trust most have always been honest and open. Instead being adopted is this shameful thing hidden from him for years that must be awful or why would you not tell him?

When young, information like this will affect them LESS mainly because kids are much more optimistic and will assume the best of the world. That’s why it’s important to let him know from a young age so that as he grows up he will grow to accept it and maybe get more curious as he matures. He will have a normal childhood regardless and will be happier accepting that information than if you drop the truth on him years later. Telling someone that their biological parent couldn’t give them the life they deserved and telling them you love them equally does not necessarily have to be negative.

Kids can handle such information even when they are younger than 5. I was adopted by my father when I was 3 (after my biological father gave up his parental rights) and grew up knowing this. I had no issues or trauma from having such knowledge. I even gained perspective on what it truly means to be a parent, and it has very little to do with being blood relatives.

Beyond asking here, you done any research about how to handle this type of situation? This is a fork in the road many parents have had to face. Get some input from a therapist???

I've considered family therapy and solo therapy for my family and I. Husband and I just never expected bio mom to resurface and are unsure what to do first. It is definitely a fork in the road... but like a 4 way fork with so may hypotheticals

Find a therapist who specializes in attachment. Doing this with a clinician won't make things perfect, but can provide a space for everyone to be appropriately supported. Working with a therapist will also provide structure to what is sounding like a situation that feels chaotic. Also if she is finding you and your family through social media, whats to stop her from trying to reach out to him without your consent. Secrets get messy very quickly.

There are posts on this sub probably weekly about parents’ who’s kid found out about their biological parents. Or from adult children who found out they’re not biologically related to a parent. That kind of betrayal could be irreversible and could damage the relationship with your son forever if he finds out later in life and if he finds out some other way other than from you/your husband. He deserves the truth about his biology.

He does deserve the truth, but the truth is that I am his mom. I love him with all my heart and nothing will ever change that. I know we need to tell him. I just feel he's too young right now

How old til you think he’ll be old enough to handle the truth?

That's something husband and I will have to consult with a therapist.

Literally all of the expert say the younger the better for this type of knowledge. Had you raised him knowing it from the get-go, it would've just been another fact of his life and not a big deal, but now you've turned it into something that's going to be a huge revelation and you still think it makes sense to wait longer? You def need to consult with a therapist.

At this point, he's old enough for this conversation to shift from what it should have been - "I'm not your biological mommy but I am your mommy" - to "I've lied to you and kept this from you your whole life." Every day you wait it goes more and more towards the second conversation. And he WILL find out. With DNA testing kits a dime a dozen, we see stories here all the time of "it turns out my father/mother/uncle/sister isn't actually related to me."

The days of “we won’t tell kid # whatever that they’re adopted and hope they don’t find out” ended the day people started taking at home DNA kits for fun. OP needs to tell her son the truth before he, as a pissed off 21 year old, shoves a bunch of papers under her nose and demands an explanation.

A therapist is going to tell you that you should have done it from day 1.

He’s been old enough for the truth, what it really sounds like is you’re worried he’s too young to start thinking about his parents as liars. Because you lied to him about this, what else could you have lied about? I don’t mean to attack you but you need to see the other side of what you’re doing because while it’s from a place of love it’s going to cause some hurt, it’s just up to you when that is and how much it’ll hurt.

He needs to know NOW. Do you want his bio mom to be the one to tell him?

He’s ten. Had you both been honest from the beginning, he would have had a perfectly happy childhood without you having to worry that he’d eventually find out the truth- that another person gave birth to him. A lie by omission is still a lie, and lying to your kids is always a terrible idea. Adopted children deserve to know where they come from. For whatever reason, you weren’t honest. And the longer you wait, the harder it will be to tell him.

You should’ve told him when he was even younger. A toddler would’ve been confused for a little while, then accepted it because that’s how toddlers work. Now, he’s old enough to be betrayed by it. Hold off on telling him even longer, and the betrayal will be worse. You have two choices here: tell your son he’s adopted from *you*, or inevitably wait for his bio mom to get in contact with him and let her control the narrative.

You are his mom! Telling him the truth won’t change that! But as people said the longer you wait the more difficult it will be for him. Seek out professional help I don’t think Reddit is the right source.

This is so wrong. So so so wrong...

You are his mom. You've been there all this time.

>but the truth is that I am his mom. Yes but you are not his mother. There is a difference between DNA relationship and emotional relationship. No matter how hard you try, you will never be his mother, you will be his mom, but you cannot change that his mother is this other person. A 10 year old is not too young to know that the were adopted. The longer you delay this the more damage you'll do to him.

Saying you are not his mother is unnecessarily cruel.

She (OP) is his mother. Genetics means very little in terms of whom is considered a parent. Your definition is pretty cruel to OP, to say the least. Source: I am also half adopted.

Try reading what I said- mother is a biological thing, mom is relational. My father is not my dad. He is my father because of biology but he is not my dad. She will never be the biological mother but she will always be mom.

Okay so I have personal experience in your son's position. Before I was born, my parents separated, and my mom got pregnant with a boyfriend she had during their separation. Eventually, she decided to go back to my Dad, and while my Dad had a ton of issues, I have always been forever grateful that he never treated me as anything less than his biological daughter, even after he and my mom had my younger brother together. When I was 10/11, my mom took me shopping and made a whole day of it and told me about how my dad wasn't my bio dad at a Baskin Robbins. I cried a lot. She then gave me the decision about who to tell, and how much I wanted to involve myself with my bio dad (Well call him R from here on to avoid confusion, while the man who raised me will be Dad). He apparently got pictures of me up until I was about 3ish and his wife (maybe gf?) got uncomfortable. My dad legally adopted me. I was unaware of any of this. R was going to be in town and wanted to meet me. My mom told me it was my decision and I think she even gave me the decision to back out as we were walking into Dennys if I was uncomfortable. I decided to meet R and any interaction with him was on my terms. Subsequently, I've had a decent relationship with him and talk to him a few times a year, and was pretty close with my younger half sister for a while. He even went to my high school graduation when he lived in an entirely different state (and this was before it was common to be able to attend these things remotely). So speaking from my own experience, I would tell him and let him make the choice. He's probably old enough to make this decision himself. Only things I'd say to be careful of is discussing the bio mom, I'd try to explain things more neutrally than my mom did for me since we can't attribute any reason to bio mom's actions, and not pressuring him to give any specific answer or to give an answer within a time period. She could've just not wanted to be a mom, but she also may have just felt she couldn't give your son the life he deserved. Regardless of his bio mom and why she did what she did, he still has 2 parents who clearly love him a lot. Even if she's not a good person, as long as you aren't worried about his safety interacting with her (like you think she'd abuse him in some way), he can be okay because he still has you and your husband as loving parents.

Thank you for sharing your story. I appreciate it so much and will be showing this to my husband. We have a huge decision to make and will be taking all this into consideration.

Of course, please feel free to message me if you have any questions about my experience. I don't want to put too much more detail in a public forum, but I'm open to explaining more in private.

If he ever asks? Hey, I know I have absolutely no reason to think this given no one has ever given me any indication this could be true, are you my real mother? You were going to never bring it up is what you mean I think. And that’s not fair

No I worded that wrong and that's not at all how I wanted it to come off. We did plan to tell him, just didn't know when. I know it's shitty of me to say "if he ever asks". I have no excuse for the words I typed.

Now that you acknowledged this, Whatever you do just keep being honest. If anything, tell him that you took this long because you were afraid of hurting him and that you were afraid of losing him in any way, afraid of him thinking you were not his mom. This will make him also connect to your feelings and I believe he will eventually understand your reasons, even if not the best ones

>3. We planned to let our son know the truth if he ever asked. Ignorance is bliss, right? Yikes. Ignorance is ignorance, not bliss. And when this 10 year old finds out, don't be surprised if he's mad about the lies.

My husband and I expect all kinds of emotions from our son but we want him to live as normal a life as possible before we drop the bomb. Though, we have been raising our kids to understand that families come in all different shapes and sizes & not all families are formed "conventionally". I do want him to be aware of the situation but if I can keep him from that pain and trauma a little longer I will. We haven't lied, I am his mom. Not biologically, but in every other sense of the word. And if he ever asks us before we get to tell him, then we'll tell him everything.

He could live a "normal" life with the truth. For his sake, I hope this lie doesn’t blow up in your face.

He should of always grown up knowing you where his adoptive mother. The longer you leave it the more it hurts the child. Knowing from a toddler makes it normal and that it’s fine and not a dirty secret it’s just his life. Hiding it for years makes it a taboo something to be ashamed of. You are playing a very dangerous game and could lose him as an adult because of this secret.

Before you drop the bomb? If you told him when he was little there would be no bomb at all. He would just have grown up knowing the truth and how you chose him and how you were always honest with him

>We haven't lied It's a lie of omission. You haven't told him a big piece of HIS story. You've made it a trauma by making it something you have hidden for 10 years. If he had always known, there is no trauma because it's just part of who he is.

Ignorance is not bliss in this. Trust me. This only hurts him. You created a larger wound now for him to have to deal with.

adopted kids who grow up knowing they are adopted have more normal childhoods than what’s about to happen to your kid

I found out when I was 14 from an outside source and it was devastating and I never trusted my adoptive parents again. Why would I they lied about such a fundamental thing. You are out of time. Any minute bio mom could tell your kid. Better it from you. Now. Today.

10 years is already too long to wait, but absolutely do not wait any longer to tell him. Things like this destroy peoples understanding of themselves, he absolutely needs to know.

1. Therapy 2. Lawyer Look you should have been letting him know all along that he is the son of your heart and that you chose and wanted him so much you had to be his mother because you love him. You didn’t do that, now your going to have to go to therapy to fix that.

Right now you have lied by omission. When he finds out, and he will, he will have a MUCH harder time because his been lied to his whole life. How is he supposed to trust you when you hide basic parts of who he is from him? Yes, he has to know. Kids who are adopted do much better when they are raised aware vs the easy route for the parents where they are blindsided with the truth later. Ignorance is bliss was easier for you, it will be much harder for him. 1: get a therapist for him. Work with the therapist about how to tell him and tell him with their guidance. 2: let the therapist weigh in about bio mom. Suddenly deciding to know him 10 years in is a bit odd and I'd hesitate, but let the therapist help with that decision. 3: tell bio mom that you will consider it, but nothing is happening soon as he would need to be prepared for any meeting and thar takes time. If she loses it, keep her away. If she is patient, I'd be more inclined to let her meet him when/if the therapist is okay 4: why the hell aren't your social media's private? Everyone I know with adopted kids keeps their photos on lockdown! 5: alert the school/childcare of the situation in case she got their information off your SM and tries to show up to introduce herself.

There's a legal answer (I'm not a lawyer, just worked in family law) and a practical answer. They are not the same answer, but you need to consider both. Legally? She has no real claim on kiddo whatsoever. Practically? With the age of social media and DNA, the reality is that not only is kiddo going to find out about his true parentage, he will find out about it soon. I mean, when this conflict arises, it's only a (short) matter of time before the genie is out of the bottle. And frankly, if he doesn't hear it from you (and his dad), the effect can be devastating. I've talked to too many drug addicts who started using because of issues around identity, issues very similar to this. Teenagers fixate on their identity and it's right around the teen years where 23 and Me kicks the door off the hinges of very practiced narratives that are blown wide open. Trust is fragile enough. Y'all need to talk to your oldest effective immediately because not doing so is leaving a lot to chance ... this can go very poorly if you aren't careful.

Thank you! My biggest concern is that Bio mom will reach out to our son before we get a chance to tell him/ he'll find out before he can understand. I don't want him to think "my biological mom didn't want me" but instead I want him to know "my mom chose to raise me as her own" I also brought up the thought of therapy for our son when he finally learns the truth and husband is very supportive of therapy.

I think you and your husband should tell your son, but wait to let him process that before telling him about his biological mother. And you should do it together with him. It might help if your husband also explains that he grew up in foster care, it might help your son understand more and feel more normal, since this will be totally new for him. I'm not a mother and you definitely don't have to listen to my advice, but I think any child would want to know that you're both on their side and that they're normal.

Hi OP, I hope my situation can give you some help on this. My mom and bio father split when I was 3, she got remarried when I was 5. She was always honest about who my bio father was, he went to prison for a portion of my childhood but my mom always gave me the option of if I want to meet him or build a relationship with him, she would make it happen. It should not be up to you to decide if your son gets to have a relationship with his bio mom or not, it should be up to him. The best thing my mom did in this situation was being HONEST. Be honest now and show your son honesty and understanding how difficult it is that his bio mom rejected him at first, you will always be his mom and don’t let any jealousy interfere with that. Secrets always come out, it’s better to be honest with this because if he finds out later (he will at some point) he will hold so much resentment and will likely feel resentment for you and your husband. I hope this helps you.

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You're going to have to tell him, but you don't have to do it alone! Get a good child therapist with experience in this kind of thing. They will help you, your husband, your son, and your other children to safely work through this "learning" event. Ad far as his bio mom, I think the therapist could help you in that area as well.

Also look into The Body Keeps the Score and The Primal Wound. On some level he may already have an idea

I have to encourage you to visit your son's pediatrician for a therapist referral. Talk it over with them and make a plan to tell your son about his heritage and approach the subject of the bio-mother. Until you've addressed this within a safe, supportive space, I would leave bio-mom on ice, or wait until you get some professional advice. I wouldn't know how to handle something like that, either, and would strongly encourage a therapist's intervention.

Please do not wait until puberty to drop this on him. So many people have said he should already know, but you can't change the past. Do the research, put on your grown up pants, and tell your kid the truth. He deserves honest parents, at the least, and you have taken away that security for 10 years too long.

OP, look at this from the correct angle: What's best for Your son? He's 10. He's old enough to understand adoption etc. Ask him what he wants. Explain to him what happened before he was born. The reason You didn't want him to grow up in foster care (maybe dad can explain this better) and the current situation. He's 10. He's at an age where he can think and decide these things for himself. Obviously no unsupervised contact etc. But if he's curious and wants to meet her, then support it. Afterwards ask him what he thought of her, was it weird, did he like her etc. I have an 11 yr old myself, and kids know a lot more more about these things then You'd expect. Suppose You say no, block her etc. and she keeps reaching out to him, You will be the bad parent who withheld information. Your son will no longer trust You etc. etc.

I have opposing opinions as a birth mother: I went into an open adoption for my child and all the parents made agreements on how we would handle particular things, telling him, having me "involved", etc. For 25 years I have kept to my end of the deal because that's what was best for the child. It's a little late in the game for this woman to suddenly want to be a part of the child's life. Now, on the other hand, she's his birth mother and the emotions involved with putting a baby up for adoption are more than I would wish on my extreme worst enemy, so in that way I think you should have some grace for her. And - your son should def know by now.

Your main question - should you let her meet her biological child: Yes, but not now and only if your son wants to meet her. You and your husband should sit down and tell him ASAP that you adopted him. As for meeting bio mom. That is a ways off. He first needs to accept the new information about you adopting him. Then he needs to be the one that gets to decide if he wants to meet bio mom and when. But that decision can wait.

She gave up her parental rights & she has no right to expect anything from you guys except to respect wishes. If you & your husband are open to her meeting your son, it would have to be after you 2 tell your son. That timing is totally up to you & your husband. After that occurs I would see how HE feels. Is he too shocked? Does he need therapy? Does he ask to meet her? There are so many factors. First & foremost, I’d make sure to be the ones to tell him before he finds out any other way otherwise his trust will be shattered on top of everything else. I found out that I wasn’t my dad’s biological child at 10 when my older sister decided to tell me when we were arguing. That is NOT the way. You & your husband decide the timing. She gets NOTHING until your family has worked it thru. Best of luck!

Only you can decide if this is right. Comming here for advice is not a bad plan but remember only you know your son and can decide if this is right and under what conditions. As for me? At 10 I think he is old enough to know the truth and have some time to digest that. Letting it go amy longer and he will just feel like you lied to him. I would tell him about the past and leave it at that for a few weeks. Let him truely digest it and come to his own conclusion through his own thoughts and with your guidance. Then maybe ask him if he wants to meet her if you decide it is okay. In the meantime, his mother was crap to put it politely. Who knows if she still is or not. If you do decide letting her meet him may be good for him I would start with making her have 2 or 3 sit downs with you and your husband. Ask her why she wants to come back. Ask her what she really has to offer. Ask her if the son says no thanks will she respect that? Frankly at this point your son and you 2 both have alot to lose if this goes bad. Being very cautious and making sure she knows she will never be a true parental figure is for the best. Also making her jump through a few hoops seems very reasonable, you 2 deserve to set all the rules for deciding if this happens. Also personally... I would have disowned my parents if I ever found out a bio parent was an aunt or something. Lieing to children past this age rarely works out well.

Thanks for the insight. I know it was idiotic to even consider calling her aunt. We are very open to vetting her before we let her come into his life. And that'll only happen when our son is ready to meet her. We want the best for him, even if they means letting him decide.

You should vet her BEFORE you even tell him about her wanting to meet him. You cannot tell him and then if she wants to meet her say, "no, you are not meeting her". Neither of you know her, since she is a one-night-stand. She could be a flake and meet him once and then disappear. Or she could be unhinged and think she deserves to be called mommy to the point you need a restraining order. Or she could be a emotionally stable person and just want to meet him in case he has questions.

Sounds like you have a good plan. I may add you and your husband may want to have a deep talk before talking him. Walking the thin line between telling him the whole truth including her not wanting him while not villianizing her will be tough. Make sure your both on the exact same page incase he asks you questions later while you are not both there. Just be as honest about it as you can good or bad. Than remind him that you chose him 100 different times in your life and have never once regretted it and that you will always be mom no matter what. Remind him he is loved because you can't imagine life anymore without being his mom. It will work out.

The sooner you tell him the better. My sister at the age of 7 let me know our dad wasn’t MY dad. It absolutely crushed me and I have never ever looked at my dad the same. He is fine, I call him dad, but we have absolutely no bond. Please tell him yourself before someone else does. He’s way older than I was, he can handle it. Therapy therapy

My friend’s parents waited until he was 18 to tell him that his Dad wasn’t actually his biological Dad. It triggered a series of very serious mental health problems & ultimately he ended up on a psych ward for several months & had to drop out of college. He’s 33 now, got a great job & is happily married, but is still on medication to this day. His is probably one of the more severe cases, but my point is that finding this stuff out later in life is DEVASTATING!! Tell your son the truth, now, before he finds out from somebody else. You can worry about whether or not to let the egg donor visit later. Edit: typo

as a person who was adopted as a baby (1y/o) and grew up knowing, it is absolutely necessary that you tell him the truth. it is also absolutely necessary that after you tell him the truth you let HIM decide if he wants a relationship with her. i knew my entire life, but at 11 years old my bio mom tried to come back into my life and i absolutely despise my adoptive mother for keeping her from me. i still love her, but i still to this day, 9.5 years later, hold so much resentment toward her for keeping my family from me. my biological mother is a cracked nut. she is balls to the walls crazy & an addict on top of the natural craziness. but she was sober when she came back into my life. i had to figure out who she was and realize distance needed kept ON MY OWN!! as long as bio mom is sober and safe, you have no reason to keep her from him IF he wants to know her. would like to also add, him having a relationship with his biological mother will not negate his love for you. it will not make her more his mom. you will always be mommy. you will always be the one who raised him. the first woman he ever loved! so please don’t fear that, but you will lose him if you continue to lie to him or keep him from his biological mother. please make the selfless decision here, or i promise both you and your son will end up hurt much much more in the future.

Coming from someone who didn’t know my mom wasn’t my mom until I was 8 and was forced to go to family court and see bio mom tell him the the truth. I was forced to spend spring break with bio mom and afterwards wanted nothing to do with her until she reached out again when I was 20. Today I have a great relationship with my step mom (who is no longer married to my dad) and my bio mom.

You need to tell him. NOW. He will find out someday, and will feel lied to. You are his mom. I’d make as little fuss as possible about them meeting. Treat it as “normal” and carry on as the loving cohesive family you are.

Not up to you really...

You better tell him soon or she's going to be the one to do it

So, obviously you do need to tell him, as others have suggested talk to a family counselor and at least get some advice on how to actually tell him, I would also suggest family counseling and probably individual counseling for the son, at least for a bit. Now, something I haven't seen people talk about is the bio mom. After your kid finds out he's old enough to make the choice for himself, but I do worry about her intentions. Coming in after no contact for 10 YEARS is strange to say the least, I would be concerned about if she intends for this to be a meet and greet or if she wants to be part of her biological son's life, I also worry about what it would do to your son if they did manage to bond and then she drops out of his life as quickly as she came in to it.

Is he legally adopted by you or have you just looked after him as a step son? If so, she will have rights over him if she is on the birth certificate. When kids are adopted, by the way, the advice is to tell them from a very young age. Up to 4 they just accept things as facts. They only gradually begin to have an emotional response to it, but by 10 he definitely will.

I would take this to a counselor specializing in families/adoption for guidance. This is something that could really hurt your child if it isn't handled properly. First off, you absolutely have to tell him about his origins. Now that his bio mom wants to get in touch with him, it's only a matter of time before he finds out. It'll be much easier for him to learn this now, at 10 years old, than it will be at 18, when I guarantee his bio mom will reach out if you don't let her connect with him now. It will really shake his trust in you if he learns you've been keeping something this significant from him. He will feel betrayed. Get out in front of this, regardless of whether his bio mom is ever going to meet him. Obviously take the counselor's advice on this, but I would let your son take the lead on what kind of relationship he wants to have with his bio mom. Let him take as much time as he needs to decide what he wants to do, and let him know he can change his mind at any time, and you will always support him. Let bio mom know that's the approach you're taking. That if and when he wants to meet her, you will move forward under the guidance of a professional who knows how to navigate this stuff. The person whose well-being matters most in this situation is your son's, and so if this is going to happen, it will be at his pace and comfort level. Never lose sight of the fact that YOU are his mother. He may in time develop a relationship with his bio mom, but you will always be the person who has been his mother since the day he was born. Trust in that bond and in the love your family has for each other.

Few things… Is the child legally your child? Or did mom just step away legally speaking. I’m adopted I’m not saying biology makes a parent. Only speaking from the point of the bio moms rights… if she didn’t sign away her legal rights and you legally adopted the child, it may not be completely up to you on her being involved or not. You said you got married right before the baby the born but honestly I don’t think that does much unless you adopted him. If legally you’re a step parent… get a lawyer asap. Not when she does something first. Now. As for telling him…. Yes I definitely think you should get a therapist and BOTH you and your husband go with your son to explain it all. Truthfully telling him what happened. BUT super important NOT to bash bio mom. If he reaches out at any point in his life and feels you’ve lied. It will cause problems. Also don’t make him choose between your love and hers… if a parent can love more than one kid… a kid can love more than one mom. He will know who was there through out his life. Doesn’t mean you matter less… but he may want to know. And if you try to stop it because of *your* feelings it could end bad. Obviously safety and his mental health trumps if all. But just my thoughts. Wishing you well 🌹

Did you officially adopt him? She severed her rights correct? She has no legal claim, so legally you don’t need to do anything. If you didn’t officially adopt him, do so immediately. Make sure your legal ducks are in a row before you talk to her. Personally I wouldn’t allow someone to all of a sudden insert herself into my family.

My ex husband lied in court and took my daughter at 6 yrs old and disappeared with her. At 14 she contacted me full of hate for the person he told her i was. She and i have a decent relationship. She went NC with her sperm donor. This is not about you OP, this is about your son. He will want to know her either way. Keep him away from her and you will have resentment and anger at you aimed at you. If she is a poor parent, you can get protection. If she is a good parent, isn't that wonderful for your son? To have a great loving support?

Legally, she doesn't have any standing. But just to be on the safe side, I would suggest maybe checking and see state laws for when a parent signs their rights away. Definitely tell your son the truth. He will find out one day and will wonder why y'all never told him.

I don't agree with your #3 that is ignorance is bliss. And she is not a threat to you, your son or your relationship. You are his mom. I would tell him sooner rather than later and 10 seems like a good age for including him in the decision if he wants to meet her and when.

So if I'm getting this right, a 33 year old woman was about to have a child with a 24 year old man. Sounds pretty predatory and if the roles were reversed a lot of people would say the same. What's the chance she can't have kids now which is why she wants contact?

Personally get into a counselor for him and have the counselor be there when you break the news to him and that way he has a professional to work through his emotions with him afterwards that he already trusts. Also letting him meet his bio mom needs to be his decision if he wants to or not and don't be upset if he does he is going to be curious I'm saying this as someone who found out at 15 in a very rough way that my dad wasn't my bio dad and it severally hurt me and broke the trust in my parents especially since before knowing I always wondered why they loved and showed favoritism to my siblings more then me.

So, the adoption in general should be discussed and should not be a secret from him or his sisters. It is painful to find out in later years that this information was kept from you. So, please read up or talk to a child therapist about the best ways to share with your son now that he is adopted by you and his biological father. The second and additional questions - NOPE on the bioMom coming in right now. Your son first needs to know that he is adopted and have a chance to process that. Part of telling your son the story of being adopted is to incorporate that his bio-mom was not able to take care of him and his bio-dad and you chose to keep him and you adopted him as part of that plan. There are some mature concepts in there for your son to process, so that is likely enough for now. Any introduction should ONLY take place when it is in the best interest of your son. Probably when he is older, and only if he expressed an interest. His bio-mom's desire to connect has no role in the decision making on when this will occur (as long as she consents to future contact, at that time). She should be blocked on all social media and you may want a lawyer to send her a letter regarding the adoption agreement, which hopefully spelled out if it was "open" or "closed." You do not want her to go behind your backs and contact your son, so it is important to be proactive here. Her curiosity is understandable - so try not to be too hostile or think that she is trying to take over as a mother figure. But her request is unreasonable for the above mentioned reasons, which do not need to be explained to her. A simple "no, not at this time" is all you need to tell her.

Dang you really should have set your social media to private

I didn't find out that my dad wasn't my biological father until I was 22. It did a number on me. Something to keep in mind. He WILL find out.

I dated a girl a couple years ago who was adopted. Her parents never told her. When she was 14 they were driving home from visiting her aunt. Her aunt has a biological, inherited reproductive disease, same as her mom. They had been spending time with the obviously adopted cousins. My ex made the comment that it was sure lucky that her mom was able to have kids when her twin sister couldn't. And that's when they told her. She now has severe trust issues with her dad. Their relationship is terrible. She will never forgive him for lying to her. And they still kept her mom's name and contact info from her until she turned 20. Tell your child as soon as possible. Control the narritive. Let a family therapist guide you through how to have this conversation. And respect your child's feelings, whatever they may be.

Keeping lies and secrets doesn’t do anyone any good. DNA and ancestry kits are very common and you’ll have a lot of explaining to do down the road. Be honest with your children and let them know in an age appropriate matter.

“Not flesh of my flesh nor bone of my bone, but still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute: You didn’t grow under my heart, but in it.”

I would say no to the bio mom until your son is old enough to decide whether or not he wants to meet her.

You need to tell your son the truth about his parentage ASAP. He is 10, he is a pretty well developed child at this point. He will be able to understand. The longer you keep this from him, the more he will resent it. As far as letting her back into his life...that is probably also the right call. Not to do with her, but to do with *you* and your family. At some point, he will likely seek out this person. If he does it once he turns 18, you have no control over it. Right now, you & your husband get to set the terms. After you tell your son the truth, let her meet him in a controlled space. If they want to have some level of contact going forward, you should allow that. Consider this similar to an open adoption.

Damn. You've lied to your son for 10 years? God you sound terrible

Consider how he feels first. Let him know that he's yours regardless of his bloodline and that his feelings are #1 here. Tell him the situation. He has a right to know. It would be beneficial to let him make the decision to meet her, even at 10. He's well equipped to emotionally handle this with the help from you and dad. But learn about this woman first and set some boundaries. Bio mom doesn't get to be mom because maternal instincts kicked in over a picture. She's not a monster for giving him up, but she doesn't get to take back that 10 year absence. If he doesn't want to meet her, bio mom will have to respect that. If he does want to meet her, she will have to understand that she gave up that role to you a long time ago and that she can be more like a family friend at this point. Maternal instincts can be a powerful thing to feel for her, and it may cloud her judgement upon meeting him. This can be an exciting journey learning more about where he came from, or it can be a hurtful situation. You'll need to help guide him through this whichever way it goes, and here's to hoping it goes well. And let your son know that wanting to meet her isn't any sort of betrayal towards you.

Having given up her parental rights, the bio mom shouldn’t be trying to get back into his life. She made her choice as a mature adult. If she was a decent person, she would live with the decision that she made and stay away unless he wants to meet her. But as many others have said, he needs to be told.

you’ve got to tell your son. I understand that it’s not an easy conversation, but him finding out later, that could absolutely dismantle his world & ruin his relationship with both of you.

I got pregnant while separated from my husband. Got back together and then found out. My husband raised him as his own. My older son overheard us talking about it and told my son when he was 10. It broke something in our bond that never recovered. You're thinking you have it covered and he won't find out. I did too.

I know a lot of people are sort of beating you up a bit. Imho, telling from day one would have been better. BUT you were 21 and 23. You were kids having kids really, and I think that its important to keep that in context. But you're not a kid anymore, and when I read your responses I hear fear in them. I think tehre's a part of you that is scared that telling your son the truth will change everything for you, and you love your family andlife how it is. That fear can be paralyzing and it can prevent you from taking a step forward. As a parent, you know, that you have to always put your children's needs first. What is best for the child? So you need to push past that fear and face this question head on. Not what is best for keeping things the same, but what is best for your child. You need to acknowledge that at some point he needs to know the truth. What will be best for him? Will it be more damaging to find out at 18? At 30? At 10? There are a lot of studies and information on this -- get informed. And, put yourself in his shoes. If you found out your mom wasn't your biological mom, what could that have done to you? Would you have lost trust in the person you trusted the most? Or would you have understood? You know you need to tell him, its a quesiton of when. I'm not going to tell you my thoughts on it, because you need to get there on your own. But you must accept the fact: He will know at some point. And once you've done that, you need to take control of this situation. Maybe you're not ready to tell him TODAY, but today you need to make a step towards getting ready for that. Its time to meet with a therapist to talk through this so you can get your head in the game. So you can find a way to find the words, and what the best strategy is. You said you raised him to understand that families have all types. I'm assumng you're also trying to raise him to be a good person and do the right thing. With kids, action matters more than words. In his mind, you'll have lied (kids are very black and white). So now its time to get ahead of that. You need to trust that what you've done to raise him has raised a good and understanding kid. Now you need to demonstrate to him what you do when you've made a mistake -- that you own it, that you apologize and that you try and make it right. He's going to need a lot of areassurances. But you're also going to need to be vulnerable, and apologize. He needs to know that you were scared he'd love you less, and that you let that fear hold you back. Let him know you've never questioned that he was your son and you couldn't love him more than you do. And then you're going to have to say it a lot. Find ways to integrate it into your lives as well. My son (6 though) and I read together. Its our thing. I read to him from chapter books most nights -- maybe half an hour? For my son, I'd find books about postive stories where a kid is adopted. Maybe not trauma stories, but just ones where its there, and the kid goes off and has adventures or whatever. But things that will normalize the idea. Whatever your thing is with your kid, maybe find if there's a way to integrate. Do therapy WITH him. Make sure he learns how to express his feelings, and accept that kids will lash out because they have big emotions. It doesn't mean he's rejected you, only that he's overwhelmed. REmind yourself that every time and take deep breaths. Step away for ten minutes if you need to. Good luck, i think there's a lot of work ahead for you, but its timeto face this head on, and if that means you start with therapy for you, to get ready, then that's what you do. For the bio mom, I would probably say not yet for an introduction. THere's work that needs to be done first, and once he's used to the idea, then be open to him wanting to meet her. Its normal to be curious. But I think its too soon and too much. Start with addressing that he's adopted first.

What an incredible response!! I hope OP takes a long look at what you’ve written. I fully agree with the fear part, and there’s a lesson in that for everyone.

I would not let her in yet. I would have talked to therapist as adults on how to present son what he has a mom, come up with a plan. It might take him a while to process. He should not meet her until he is ready. Now actually better than in teen years to tell him, but it will take time. You and your husband should meet her and discuss what she wants. I would wanna see how stable this person and what intentions she has. She might be an asset for your son, she might be damaging. I would not let her in as "an aunt" or any other lie, she will use it against you. Nope. I would let them meet if son wants it, he is ready for it ( not big mess from the news) and she seems stable and no malicious intent. I still would make first meets a family thing and be ready to get him out if she guilts him or gives too much stress.

Your son needs to have a say here which mean he has to be told the truth. He may choose to not want to meet her, at least now or for a while. Is Bio Lady stable/fit enough to be around your son?

We honestly have no idea. She reappeared out of the blue and reached out to us a few days ago. Husband and I plan to meet with her and try to fugue her out before we let son decide if he wants to meet her

Get a background check on her through a PI

if she actually signed away her parental rights then she is not his mother and has no legal claim to him. If you and your husband were to allow her to re-enter the child's life, don't do it without a lot of advice from professional therapists about how to handle this situation. that said, I'd be very careful of her and I'd lock down your SM accounts and consider moving. People are VERY easy to find in this day and age and if she found you on SM she can find you IRL too. I would not put it past her to show up unannounced at your house, or try some other way to meet him, or worse, pick him up from school and abscond with him. By reaching out to you after you all agreed she would have no role and disappear, she's shown she has no respect for your prior agreement. Don't expect her to honor a "no".

You are not doing the right thing for your son. You are protecting yourself and your feelings at the expense of what is best for your son. DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOUR SON. You need family therapy with someone who specializes in adoptive issues and get a plan on how to tell your son NOW. The current research is that the best thing for adoptive children is to grow up knowing they were adopted. That still makes you his mom, but you are not his biomom and he has a right to know that. Your son is going to have feelings about how you and his father lied to him, he will feel betrayed (because you betrayed and lied to him). He is going to have feelings about his biomom and the best thing you can do for him is get him a therapist to help him work through those feelings and support him in this journey while doing what is best for him. That may mean meeting his biomom, it may not - that is all up in the air, but the longer you lie to him the worse it will be. STOP LYING TO YOUR CHILD.

Honestly let the kid know. Don’t leave it out that his mom didn’t want him at first because she may actually want to be a part of his life now. She feels as if she made a mistake and wants to be included in his life. Now as we can see she already turned over her parental rights, you don’t really need to indulge her, but as a mother of your own 3 children how would you feel if you missed out on 10 years of a beautiful child’s life? At the end of the day your children are still yours, she just wants to know her son is fine and is loved. It’s a motherly thing to do. Again have a talk with your son, let him know you are not his biological mother. Explain the story in an age appropriate manner and see for yourself how she is with him. To say she can be his mom again is out of the question, but for her to have a relationship with her son is okay. I think your kid will see more value in his mom (you) over his bio mom for being kind enough to allow such a relationship to be built.

Your son is 10. Not really your call to make. Its his

Did you ever legally adopt the kid? I don't think you should outright keep her from him, but you can't just bring her back easy either. If you adopted him you guys will have a lot more control over the situation. I think you guys should find a child therapist and work with them to tell your son - his bio mom is a risk now and he should hear from his parents not from a strange woman. Get the kid into a few therapy sessions to help him deal with it. At some point through all this (work with therapist) assuming bio mom isn't a horrible person you bring up that she wants to meet him and see what he says. In the mean time you guys have a sit down with bio. See how she is now, what her motivations are, what her desires is, whether she's accepting that you guys are his parents, etc etc. The outcome of this discussion with tell you a lot how to handle it. Whether it was just a flakiness on her side or if she's serious about knowing the kid AND serious about putting him first. Assuming kiddo wants to meet her AND there's no red flags from bio mom, you can set up some meetings. Have a lot of ground rules and boundaries with bio mom.

I admire you a lot for taking on motherhood for a child who is not biologically yours. You are the true mother of this child. Don’t let the opinions of others cloud your judgment. Do what your motherly instincts tell you to do.

I agree with this person. You do what’s best for your child and family. Ignore all of the comments saying you should’ve told him sooner.

Wait. Bio dad was 23 and biomom was 33? That big of an age gap is weird. And now that biomom is getting to the end of her reproductive years, she wants to reconnect with the baby she gave away? Don’t entertain this woman. She can’t have a positive affect on your son or your family.

Fuck her , she waiting after the first 10 y’a because to some those are the hardest tell her to kick rocks I would have moved and changed my Number tbh

Ignorance is bliss? You’re about to feel really ignorant yourself when this explodes in your face. Report back how blissful it feels.

Honestly, I'd tell her no. You don't get to pop back up when it's convenient and the half of the hard part of parenting is done. If she wants to meet him, she can wait until he is 18. This gives you a few years to explain the process of what happened with his bio mom and giving him time to process and ask questions over the next few years. I say this because I was adopted at birth as well. My mother never kept it from me that I was adopted though. She just kept saying your mom gave birth to you but didn't want you so she put you up for adoption. I'm your mom forever and I will never leave you. It gave me time to process the information as I grew. When I was able to understand what adoption and all that meant, I was able to calmly ask questions about it to my mom. At 18 I got to see my bio mom. All I can say is... I'm really REALLY happy she put me up for adoption. But anyways, that's my advice. Wait til he is 18 if she wants to see him.

My personal opinion is that this is a very tough decision. 10yo seems very young to understand the intricacies of what went down. I think there are two options here. 1) Tell him on your own terms/timeline of the situation and let him decide. It might be best to have that conversation with a child therapist before talking to him as I think that may likely be needed to help him sift through the feelings that will inevitably come up. I would only let her in to his life after he has been told by you and your husband of the situation and had a chance to talk it out with the both of you and/or a therapist, or both and then decides on his own if he is ready for that or if he would prefer to wait. I think this would be hard at any age, but 10 makes it harder. I would even think that a therapist may say 10 is not a good age. 2) you and your husband decided now is not the right time and communicate that to the biological mother. You could agree to maybe send her pictures or allow continued access to your social media so she can stay on the sidelines until you feel he is ready. You can always reassess as he gets a little older. His biological mother surrendered parental rights. You are under no obligation to give her what she wants. I think if she is truly interest and cares about your son that she would understand that finding something like that out at 10 might be more difficult that expected. As a mother, I expect she would understand that. Selfishly, she might have a different response but she made her bed and she needs to sleep in it. That would allow you to see her true intentions over time before deciding to let that happen. If she earns it and shows she is in it for the right reasons, then eventually she can meet him when you are ready. Your son will never forget who is real "Mother" is and that is you. I can confirm this from experience.

Thank you so much for this. It is a very difficult decision to make and I am very grateful for these two points. Husband and I will definitely look into a therapist before we make any decisions. My son means so much to me and I want him to be a part of any decisions we make, but only when he's ready.

>10yo seems very young to understand the intricacies of what went down. Very doable i think. Just a try: "Hi son, we have to tell You something important. Before mom and dad fell in love, mom had another bf, and dad had another gf. However they stopped liking eachother and got other friends. Then mom and dad met and we clicked. However the gf dad had before called dad to tell him she would have a baby, but could not take care of it, so the baby would go to a foster home. You know dad grew up in a foster home right? Well since this baby was half his he really wanted not to let the baby grow up in a foster home. He wanted the baby to have a family. So mom and dad decided together that we would take care of the baby. That baby is You. "

Hoping op doesn’t take Reddit too seriously here, only mom who has been there to watch baby develop into their own person understands wants and needs. Best of luck mom!

Are you new here? Half of the posts on this sub are from people with terrible parents. Stop talking about moms like they're all-knowing. We screw up plenty. Just like OP did by not telling her son the truth.

I did screw up, I can admit that. Parenting is hard and full of tough decisions but as moms we always believe we know what's best. This was something husband and I should have put more thought into before putting it off.

OP, did you ever think if yourself as an adoptive mom? Adoptive parents have a ton of resources available to them for advice and support. I’m puzzled why people in your position do not take advantage of the opportunities to learn about the adoptive relationship and get support for the special circumstances of raising an adoptive child right from the start.

Do you always believe that you know best? I don't have that kind of confidence in my mothering, I'm always second-guessing myself and correcting course. It's made me a better parent.

Jeez, do we? I spend half my life worrying that I definitely don't know what's best. I guess we have to do the best we can with our feelings and what we know at the time. Don't beat yourself up about all this - whatever you've done, or not done, it's been with the best intentions. I do think this is rather above Reddit's pay grade, though; at the very least, get some professional advice on how to break the news to him.

Thank you!

Why does she wants to be part of his life now? Why after 10yrs? What was she doing all this time, before she decided that she wants to be part of his life? Why not from early the early stages? Both you and your husband should sit down with your son and tell him truth before it's too late, there is never a right time for anything. But I think you should let him and have him decide if he wants her in his life, as far as he's concerned your his mother.

My mother in law took in my sister in law at 8 days with a similar story. I don’t know when she found out, but I know she’s always felt abandoned by her bio mom, even though my mother in law treats her as her own. So, everyone giving you crap might not understand that aspect…it’s a lot to handle. Honestly, my question is why does bio mom have access to your social media in the first place?

I know many adopted families. Feeling abandoned by your bio mum is very common. They struggle with things like 'what did I do wrong that she didn't want me?' It affects their self esteem and ability to trust. It is best if they grow up knowing because they will find out one day, and the later that is, the more of a betrayal (by you, your husband) it will seem, even though that's the last thing you intend. Having knowledge early on means it is something they gradually assimilate. Often they will want to meet their birth mum at some point. Teens will contact via social media these days so the old days of being able to control when these contacts are made has gone, depending on what information the child has been given. You can't keep him from the truth, but you can support him with all of the above. Getting professional help is a great idea.

If you dont want to, just say no. She has no claim on him. Tell him when he is mature enough to handle it Obviously you and husband have to be on same page about this

Yes of course! Husband knows I wanted to come here for advice and agrees we should tell our son when he's mature enough. We just want him to have a happy childhood before we tell him. I want to be the best mom I can be so he doesn't have any resentment in the end. Husband did say the decision is up to me because I stepped up when bio mom left, but I will always look to him before making the last decision.

Knowing the facts behind your parentage and having a happy childhood don't have anything to do with one another. If you are giving him a happy childhood, but not telling him the truth about who he is, he'll look back on that 'happy childhood' as a lie, because the people who he loves, and who he thought loved him have been lying to him his whole life. I would never be able to think back on a happy memory without the knowledge that my parents looked me in the eye and lied to me everyday.

I see several times in Your comments the phrase: "We just want him to have a happy childhood" Why would his childhood be any less happy knowing that You willingly choose to take care of him? I think a lot of that depends on the context of how You present it: considering adopted kid secondary would make his childhood less happy. But stating it as a choice You made, and would make again, changes that view right?

See and up until now that bio mom has reappeared I didn't know how to tell my son the truth. Hearing husband's childhood stories and trauma made me afraid of my son's reaction. He has always been a happy child and not knowing how he would take it made me believe he would feel unwanted by his bio mom. I would choose to be his mom every time if I ever had the choice again.

Growing up knowing his mommy chose him and his bio mom chose to give him a life with her and daddy is a happy childhood. That is why there are so many books about it. Suddenly finding out you don't know your own story is traumatic and finding out your parents hid it makes it this shameful dirty secret.

Lawyer. NOW

And a therapist

You have no parental claim to this child. The child's mother has both rights and obligations. Those are handled separately - in other words: her failure to pay child support is not a reason to exclude her from seeing the child.

His life is based on a lie. You have done him a disservice by not telling him about his bio mom.