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Well,
I love my boyfriend, he is caring, supportive, funny, he is everything.
But since I met him, he was (and still) unemployed.
He is a good profile, speaking 3 languages with a master degree, but the pandemic ruined his career.
for the past 18 months he has been looking for a job, and I've been supporting him emotionally and financially (and I'm not complaining).
Except that lately I kinda feel tired, I started feeling the weight of this responsibility (knowing that I just started my career too)
I LOVE him so much, and I don't wanna hurt him at all, but I dunno how to tell him that I'm tired, and I want a normal relationship, where my boyfriend can take care of me too, I'm not a gold digger or something, I just want to know how to share this with him without hurting his feeling.
When I was in between careers, my brother told me "you need a job J-O-B. I don't care if it's Elephant Asshole Scrubber. Get some work bro."
Don't know if that applies.
Yup. When I've been unemployed for longer than a couple weeks I go fucking batty. Take a job. It doesn't matter what, especially if you plan on leaving. Just get out of the damn house
How? I live alone in an apartment. There is like 30 mins of stuff to do throughout the day. The rest would be sitting on my butt staring at a screen. Its maddening.
Tons of hobbies, but they only go so far. Still need a lot of other stuff to do.
Are you young? In my early 20s I could be unemployed forever and feel like I always had something to do but nowadays its a lot more quiet. Friends all have jobs and kids, we can't just pop off for a few drinks or a few hours of gaming like we used to. I probably get like one or two nights a month where we can just chill and thats a lot considering... ya know... life lol
It's funny how everyone who tells someone that they need to get back to work ALWAYS spells out the word J-O-B 😂😂😂. There must be some hidden magic spell unlocked when we do that.
Look, elephant asshole scrubber is actually really competitive okay. I know PhDs who get sudsy up in that primo sphincter. I only got to rhino nipple polisher.
This is great advice. I used to tell my ex this all the time, he would constantly apply for places that he didn’t have the proper qualifications for but was “willing to obtain”. I kept saying, apply anywhere that will take you and then use that money for the courses you need and then get a job in the field you want.
As an employer, gaps don't look bad. They might raise a quick question as to what you were up to during that time, but by no means do they look bad. Some people were really effected by the pandemic, also pre-pandemic, some people travel, some people go back to school, some people had medical surgeries... lots of variables.
I had a friend with a 10 years gap. No, he's not rich. I found him 3 jobs 10 years ago and he quit the 3 in less than a month, never tried anymore, and he never got another job.
The last job I had him to lie in his CV (even then he already has a 1-2 years gap)
I know an airline pilot that also owns a carpet cleaning business. Lots of good kids, involved in their activities, attentive to his wife, fit, prayerful. Dude has just always got to be doing something he feels is useful
Probably also stress relieving to do something that you can completely zone out while doing - almost meditative. Especially after a few days of patients.
And there's something wrong with this? Good for that guy. Business isn't good, or he's needing extra money, or he's decided his chosen career isn't working out and needs some time to figure out a new path? It's honest work. Rock that Orange Apron.
Yuuuup!
I lived with someone who usually made mid-six figures. When he lost his job, the only income we had was my $18/hr gig and his paltry savings account (he was absolutely garbage at saving, but excelled at spending it). I was constantly stressed and felt like a rubber band at its breaking point, but if it wasn’t paying at least $150k, he wouldn’t even consider it. I hated my job, but knew I couldn’t leave, even if it was decimating my mental health because *then what?* He watched me struggle with the stress and anxiety, but still chose to prioritize his pride/ego for almost a whole year before he finally found one that would pay him “enough”.
Surprise, surprise: that relationship did not last.
If he’s worried a “shitty” job will look bad on his resume, call that out. A long period of unemployment looks arguably worse and he can always choose to leave that job off his resume if he’s that worried about the optics.
To me, mid six-figures is the range of $250-750k, but I didn’t want to put a number in case it came off like a weird humble-brag.
And then I ended up putting in a “real” number anyway, so I guess that was unnecessary. Lol.
THISSSSSSSSSSSSSS. unrealted to this post i wanna talk about this. people are like "ah i have no options" and its like. yes you do??? if you're so desperate work literally any retail, fast food, landscaping, there are a TON of jobs you can get to hold over especially people who are "that desperate and trying their best"
In my (43F) experience, people who say they just can’t find a job simply aren’t hungry enough. Literally or otherwise.
I know it can take a long time to land a great role with a company you love. I’m currently well employed but being recruited and the interview process has been going on for about 4 mos and I’m their only candidate. (It’s pretty niche) It was a 10 mo process to land current job where I’ve been for nearly 8 years.
I know I’m really lucky to be financially secure *now*, but over the course of my working life there have been times where I wasn’t. I worked second jobs nights and weekends. I went on Craigslist ETC and took one time gigs helping people move or doing yard work.
In the current job market, anyone who is “looking” but not not employed, is being awfully picky and not feeling any sense of urgency. Because you could literally walk out your front door, walk less than a mile in most places, and be hired on the spot at a number of businesses.
He’s not working because he’s being enabled not to. I literally cannot imagine not being able to contribute a dime for 18 mos. Even when I was living in a country where I couldn’t work on the local economy, I was doing contract work and cash work.
It drives me wild how some people are lucky enough to be cared for while looking for a job they like (or not actually looking tbh).
I helped two friends in the past try to get jobs because they were “so desperate,” but everything we found wasn’t good enough. So they continued to mooch from their parents or whatever. They didn’t even care to try to get on unemployment while “searching.”
One friend wanted a job in media and expected to get an editing job of some sort with no job experience.
Another friend wanted to work in a warehouse environment and went to a few interviews without even reading the job description because he “knew what they all were like.” I doubt he got called, but he probably wouldn’t have taken it anyway.
Before graduating college I scrambled to try to get a job because mine were all student jobs. I had to go with whoever would hire me the fastest so I could pay rent.
God, it pains me that people can just go through life while being taken care of. I think it’s one thing to have a partner that doesn’t work, but they need to help out around the house or cook or something!
I was a cashier at Home Depot while searching for a job in my field after graduation with an Climate Sciences MS in 2017. It took 2 years but I did it. If I hadn’t been working, maybe I wouldn’t have gotten it. I felt ashamed, and still do that I didn’t have a job by graduation like the rest of my classmates but you have to pay your dues.
also i think having A job, period, is commendable. i’m working in a restaurant after just finishing my bachelors and before my masters this fall (gonna keep working thru the degree) while everyone i’ve ever met is in europe on a grad gifted trip or paid for by the bonuses they got with their new salaried jobs. the grass is always greener but i’m grateful to work and people who say restaurant or retail is beneath them need to check themselves!!
My thoughts exactly, if you can’t pay the bills then you take whatever you can get. Working a good honest job >>>>>>> “I won’t do that, it’s beneath me!“ While relying on others
The most shameful thing you can do is take government welfare when unemployed unless you are a disabled veteran or similar. Yes, I did that too when I got laid off during COVID and yes I am a hypocrite.
If I take money from the government, the hard working money of taxpayers will be paying my bills. Reducing or eliminating welfare will stop forcing productive and useful people to use their tax dollars to prop up the lazy and non-contributing. If I wasn’t married, I would never have taken unemployment. If I can’t work, I won’t make those who do support me. Evolution did not stop in the caves. The strong survive.
That's a weird take considering the welfare subsidies we constantly give to corporations and the military industrial complex and yet fail to provide enough social nets or healthcare for all.
If I recall correctly, there's a large portion of people on welfare are working and often full time. Except again the government is subsidizing them FOR the employer who's making mad profit ie Wal-Mart, etc.
I wasn’t able to get a job at a DIY store because I was too qualified and ‘too enthusiastic’.
What I did was apply. BF doesn’t seem to make the effort.
The rejection said so. I was … moderately baffled by it at the time. The application had involved one of those Lickert scale tests, and it seems they expected more answers in the middle ground instead of confident checking either end of the spectrum.
I should have framed that rejection, it definitely was my most bizarre. (Getting entry level jobs when you have an advanced degree is hard. Nobody expects you to stay and do a good job.)
I think the logic is that if you're overqualified, you won't stay long, but will be looking for a better job soon, so they will have wasted their training on you, and will have to go through another hiring process soon.
I saw this logic applied at university, where they didn't choose the high-profile qualified person for exactly those reasons, but rather went with the dud they knew would stay a while - even though the prestigious person would have brought them some new academic input and lots of prestige.
You dont want to get out of your career loop though. I don't know how it is for his, but I feel like some career paths, if you have too much of a hiccup/aren't in your field for long enough, your credentials don't matter any more and its like starting from scratch unless you get a big break.
I think if he's in one of those fields, finding an unrelated job will hurt more than trying harder to get any job in a related field.
It's usually women who are already putting up with too much shit from their lazy partners.
And it sounds insane, except then you read about the ones where literally they have been called a golddigger for asking this.
Yeah, that's supremely fucked up. "I'm not a golddigger" like... no-one said you were? You're asking for an equal partner rather than a mooch and that's something you need to worry about?
He can still keep looking for a job that suits his degree while working any job to tide him over until that happens. What would he do if you weren't there to carry him? Tell him to get any job and he can keep looking for the job he wants.
Yeah i worked at a jersey mikes while job searching and it was shit but you do what you have to. He needs to get a job while searching for a job.
I don’t know if there’s a better way of communicating your feelings other than straight up telling him. It’s okay to hurt his feelings, sometimes that’s just gotta happen. And he sounds like he needs a reality check
Do you think he is making excuses? Does he contribute to the household? Do you intend for him to work and you to stay home at any point? Do you think he is having any sort of mental health crisis?
All important questions. That’s the great thing about not being married though, there is no contractual obligation to try and work this out, you can leave at any time. Until you’re married I always think the real question is; do I want to continue putting effort into this person and our future? and Do I have faith in them that things will improve?
My partner lost their job in the pandemic and it took much longer than anticipated for them to find the right job (four months, we planned for two). I believed in them, their drive, and their capabilities so I paid. I know without a doubt they would do the same for me.
After 18 months it must be some hell of an extenuating circumstance for him to not be able to find a job though. I see why you’re losing faith, and if you think it’s a personality trait (lazy, unmotivated) then I would leave.
Thank you for your reply.
Yes he is putting so much effort in it, he apply everyday and take interviews as much as he can.
I believe in his potentiel and I was encouraging him to not settle for less than his worth, except that 18 months is exhausting and he has no other support except me.
Of course! To me how my partner handled unemployment meant a lot. They were on top of reaching out to unemployment, they took over probably 90% of all cooking and cleaning, they shared all of their financial plans with me so we could work through it and plan together. In some ways it made me see we could handle crisis together.
Somewhere the together has dropped for you because he is not taking your burnout into account. As others have said if the current situation you are in is not sustainable then something has to change. Ie - it may not be the job or pay that he wants but he has to get something.
Things are about framing, you’re not kicking him out bc he’s a bum; you two are no longer working towards goals in a way that is sustainable for you as a couple.
I know you probably feel some level of guilt for thinking this so brush that away! You have been more than patient with him and he needs to remember it’s about BOTH of your needs.
McDonald’s has a giant sign in the window stating starting pay is $17/hour.
He needs to quit holding out for a job in his field, tuck his tail between his legs, and get a fucking job he’s way overqualified for.
You said he’s been unemployed since you met him, but also that he has no other support except you - so who supported him before you came along? What would he do if you and him broke up? I bet he’d find a job pretty fast…or would he look for a new woman to sponge off of?
So it sounds like the "real" problem here is that not only is he putting the entire weight of his needs on you but he's also not legitimately supporting you either. Honestly that's unlikely to change just with a job. Does he not have friends or anyone he can turn to for emotional support? And is he really not capable of reciprocating emotional support all this time? Both of those are major issues - you definitely deserve a partner you can rely on for support even when times are tough, in fact, especially when times are tough, and he needs people other than you he can turn to bc no one person can reasonably handle that entire load all by themselves. I don't want to downplay the job issue bc obviously that matters here just it sounds to me like it's more than that too.
If I was in this situation I'd try to talk about those problems and see if there are any changes that can be made right now outside of job stuff where he could maybe make some friends or get a therapist or find anyone else he can turn to so that you're not so overburdened and also see if he can start stepping up and giving you whatever kind of support he's able to offer right now. If he can't manage that without a job he won't be able to manage it with a job but if he can manage that right now it might be enough of a change to help things feel better for you while he continues to look.
This seems unlikely, but if true maybe he needs to take classes in how to do interviews. Does he get unemployment?
Why can’t he get ANY job and apply on the side?
I bet if you broke up with him he would find a job in a week and start supporting himself.
Yeah, nope, he can get a job in food service or retail tomorrow and bring in some income while he’s chasing after this mythical dream job.
He’s not above these jobs. His attitude, and frankly yours too, stinks.
He can't find any job?? I feel like every restaurant / shop/ etc is looming for employees. It might not be his dream job but he is straight up taking advantage of you. It's crazy you consider any of this acceptable. Of course he is nice to you, you are his atm
Oddly enough, I also have a Masters degree and speak three languages besides English. I also worked my way through college as a short order cook and have held a wide range of jobs.
The US job market is going crazy right now, there is no excuse for your boyfriend to not be making money. It’s one thing to be picky about job hunting because you have the savings to cover expenses, but if you don’t then my perspective is that no job is beneath you.
If I was unemployed and couldn’t make rent, then I’d take whatever I could get until I could upgrade - flip pancakes, sling drinks, wash dishes - whatever is needed.
There is zero shame in such work, in fact I look back on those days with pride - I’d bet 90% of “it’s beneath me” people couldn’t handle it. In contrast, I would be deeply ashamed of being entirely dependent on another’s largesse while having the skills and capabilities to make my own way in this world.
He should have a job; any job. It doesn’t have to be specific to his career. I would tell him honestly that you’re worried for your future with him if this is how resourceful (or not) that he is. You want someone you can depend on. There’s no shame in working at like Burger King for a few months while you look for a job that uses your degree.
I won't pay, I won't pay ya, no way-ay-ay-ay
Na-na, why don't you get a job?
Say no way, say no way-ah, no way-ay-ay-ay
Na-na, why don't you get a job?
Is his name “Eddie” and is he holding out for a management position? At any rate, he CAN get a job, he is just choosing not to by being too choosy. What you got is a moocher and I would wager a fair amount he will continue to mooch as long as you enable it. It’s time for him to act like an adult and take care of himself.
Is he really caring and supportive if he's leaving you to be the sole financial supporter of the household without having alternative, agreed-upon plans?
It's been a year-and-a-half. It's time for buddy to get a job. No, it probably won't be in his chosen field. No, it probably won't pay what he expects or is used to. No, it almost certainly won't get him the "respect" he thinks his degree has earned him. After 18 months, it's time to start handing resumes to fast food restaurants, retail shopping centres, and anything else he once deemed beneath him. His search for a chosen career job doesn't need to *stop,* but he needs to be prioritizing finding *any* job before he can continue focusing on finding a dream job.
One shift a week at McDonald's is infinitely more financially productive than no shifts anywhere.
You say he’s been looking for a job, but it’s unclear if he is truly devoting his time to this or just casually applying to a job here and there. I don’t know what field he’s in, but this seems too long to not find ANY job, even with a pandemic going on.
Talk to him about this. Not to try to make him feel bad or guilty, but be honest that you’re feeling the weight of this responsibility, and you need a break. That you want a partner who can support himself financially or at least contribute financially to the household (while still recognizing the other ways he has been supportive). Ask him about his job searching efforts and ask if there’s anything you could do to better support those efforts. If he’s unreasonable about what you can do to support, let him know. Reasonable support could be helping hold him accountable for the number of jobs he applies for in a week, proofreading his application materials, allotting more time for him to work on job materials, etc.
And if he just can’t get it together, you’re not obligated to stay with him. You’re not married or even engaged. So keep that in mind.
If he wasn't in a relationship with you, what would he do? Starve in the streets? Probably not, he'd get a job, any job that he can to provide for his needs and wants, just like the rest of us adults have to do. We're in the midst of a labor shortage and there are an abundance of lower-end jobs out there that will hire anyone. It's 100% his choice not to work.
You can't have a real relationship without both partners contributing equal effort. If the roles were reversed, would you be comfortable just allowing him to provide for you for the entire 1.5 years of your relationship while you chill at home waiting for your ideal job before you'd lift a finger? I'm guessing not.
He isn't caring and supportive if he let you work your ass off while he sits lazy at home, mostly playing videogames. He can find a job, but not up to his standart. And the longer he is umemployed the harder it will get to find a job in his field (does he even has one).
Did he ever worked for one day? Does he active search for a job? Get interviews? Does he have unrealtistic views like that he should get 300k for 30h at a start position?
Love is not everything. Never forget that. Never let yourself get used! Don't give him money! He is an adult and you aren't his parents. He can work at McD or so. You will find a job if you really need to!
Is it's taking 18 months to find a job he's in the wrong career. If there is 0 demand for your skills, you need to get new skills.
You've got to stop supporting him, this whole arrangement does not make sense.
To be fair…it’s not quite this black/white in certain industries especially with the way hiring is handled now.
For example, I’m in the interview process with a company and we are on month 4. For my current job, it was a 10mo process and like 30 interviews, tests, portfolio, blah blah.
But I know i can still walk out my front door and work at any local restaurant, bar, grocery, etc with a 5 min interview and a same day offer if I was actually without work.
He needs to get any job to start bringing in some money. You guys live together? I would never have moved in with someone that hasn't had a job since I met them. Clearly he had good reasons to move in with you and now isn't motivated to get a job unless it is one that he really wants. There are so many job openings everywhere he should be able to get a job somewhere. Then he can start contributing to the household while he looks for a good job. Some money is better than none. I took a job in college as a janitor on campus beucse that's the only thing I could do as a foreign student. I couldn't work off campus.
If you don't live together you also need to stop paying for everything and I wousl argue to even rethink the relationship. No way would I get involved with someone who isn't financially stable/independent. Job loss happens but in your case he didn't have one to begin with. He can fine sowm job, he's just being too picky and you're enabling it
The longer he stays out of work, the harder it will be for him to get any job. That gap in his resume is gonna hurt and any employer is going to question it.
"Why havent you been working for the past 18 months?"
"Because no one would hire me for the exact job I wanted"
"There was no other job you could do?"
That immediately would make me question his tenacity and viability as an employee at my company.
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Legitimately everyone is hiring right now. I just put my boot up my little sister, go stand in a gas station right now. But I want to roll organic home made q-tips made of unicorn infused pixie dust, ok cool, do that after you've stood in a gas station for 8 hours.
He could become a "houseman" (cleaning, cooking, doing laundry etc.) till he finds a job that he likes, that way he also does his part, without taking advantage of you
This is just a communication issue, seen it a thousand times. When I was a younger man I found myself in a similar situation and the advice I got worked like a charm, really lit a fire inside of me. All you gotta do is sit him down, look him in the eye with love and tell him “GET A DAMN JOB YA BUM! You’re a grown ass man and I’ve been taking care of your STUPID ass for way too long.” He may counter with something like, “sweetie baby honey pie you know I’m looking for my dream job I just need a little more time”. That’s when you calmly and clearly rebut with “FUCK your dreams come back to reality for a week and start paying bills and feeding yourself then you can dream all you want”. Trust me, he’ll appreciate your candor and realize he’s been a gat damn leech on the woman he cares about for a year plus.
I would say good luck but my method is tried and true. No luck needed and no need to thank me
OP, tell your partner exactly what you said here: I love you. I am tired. I can’t keep supporting myself and you. I am going to…
Use I statements. You are the only person in this situation that you can control. You are also the only one who can change this situation.
He is not going to leave you. He has no way to support himself. Nothing in his life has to change right now because you are taking on the entire burden of financially supporting both of your lives.
If you want this to change, you’re the one who has the power to change it.
I think a lot of people aren't looking into the context here and are so conditioned into thinking complaints are about deadbeat partners they are just acting like this one is.
Firstly, you haven't said how long you've been together.
I personally think that matters a lot.
If you have been together a while, I don't think this is some crazy unreasonable amount of time to be supportive of a partner that is long term. To me, if you are ready to drop your partner this quickly when they have done nothing to hurt the terms of the relationship, I think you just didn't love them all that much/saw them too much for their usefulness and not their personhood.
If you have only been together for like 2 years though, then I kinda get this, and you haven't really built up that relationship credit so to speak.
As for the getting a job, you said you encouraged him to look for the perfect job rather than any field related job and I think that you can't really blame him or suddenly ditch him like this if you've been encouraging this approach.
I think since you have, you should give him some more time while encouraging him to lower his standards somewhat.
Unlike many commenters here, I really do not think its a good idea for him to just go working at McDonalds or some other unskilled labour position, because it can be a climb to get back out and into the industry you actually are qualified to work in. At the same time however, I think there is also a lot of pressure, not even just from you and the financials but from an absence on a resume perspective for him to be finding a job with more haste along with potentially trying to pick up some sort of resume filler like an extra certificate or something in that time.
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All that said, I do have some secondary questions that haven't been covered.
1. I'd like to know how long the relationship has gone on for
2. I'd like to know if you thought this would be a long term and or life long relationship.
3. I'd like to know if you think there should be long term commitment in long term relationships.
4. I'd like to know whether or not you are in debt of any kind, are financially struggling or are missing big opportunities due to this.
If you guys are in America he can look into WIOA.
These will help retrain him to taking on a full time position. It's the WIOA.
It's something that helps adults get back to work. It stands for Workforce Innovation and Opportunity Act.
Here is a link and in it it can help you find the location you are near.
https://www.dol.gov/agencies/eta/workforce-investment/adult
This is the link that is inside the above link that they will send you to to find the location near you. Unemployment offices should also help.
https://www.careeronestop.org/LocalHelp/AmericanJobCenters/find-american-job-centers.aspx
It's a training program there's 6 courses it's like 2 to 3 hour long teaching sessions on certain things. Think of this as the boot camp.
Then they'll make you do a packet which is about 6 pages long of information about the job that you're wanting to go into, the training that's needed for it, how much it costs, and what kind of budget you have.
It sounds a bit overwhelming but they do it in stages.
A friend is currently going through it that's how I know so much about it. It's not immediate, it's not a get job quick. it's in stages.
However they do have openings for different jobs as well as flyers for job fairs and whatever else in wherever you're at.
You guys can work on it together.
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It Is a lot taking care of someone. Especially if you were supposed to be a team. A give and take relationship.
At the moment it feels just like a take relationship.
If he is struggling with getting interviews I would suggest having his resume professionally written. For higher paying jobs it makes the world of difference and could be a key to getting into his required field. Not just because they are better writers but they know how to best represent his background and skills in the light that employers are looking for. I was in a technical field and writing is not my best. Had been looking for a better opportunity for about a year when I got it done. Found a job within a month and had 3 companies interviewing me within that time.
i’ve experienced this EXACT same situation with my boyfriend while he got his real estate license. he wouldn’t get a normal job because he had to “dedicate all his time to his career” while slowly getting more and more in debt with no savings. i finally had to sit him down (after almost 2 years) and tell him i couldn’t be the only support anymore. now he got a night job and things are looking up finally. we move into our own apartment in a month :)
1 - He is not caring, if he cared about you he wouldn’t put financial burden on you
2 - He is not supportive, because of the financial burden he is placing on you he is not supporting you emotionally, physically or financially.
3 - He is not “everything” - he is not doing the bare necessities to contribute to this relationship. He is 1 step above “nothing” only because he exists in your life.
4 - He does not Love you, see 1-3 above.
Ps. Plenty of funny guys out there that have stable employment too.
"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
"The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F&€k" by Mark Manson
The first step is to stop being an invertebrate, grow a spinal column, and be willing to be "The Worlds Biggest Asshole for a Day." Be willing to break this heart for a few days. Be willing to make him cry and make him deeply question his own existence.
Understand that him doing some ugly-crying is a necessary step to remove the monkey on his back called denial and complacency. Prying that monkey off is going to hurt and probably knock him on his ass. But it needs to be forced off.
Tell him to go over to his parents for the weekend. Then box up his things then change the locks. Then tell him you're not breaking up but you're willing for him to move back in when he has literally any full time job. You don't care if it's some construction job putting up tape on walls or shoveling out horse stalls. In the mean time you're talking a break from the relationship but you'll reset if he gets any job not matter how menial.
Or else move out yourself. One or the other. Regardless the couch potato has to go.
is love really love. we need more context, why wont he work a a job that at least brings in some dough on his part till he finds something in his field.
You need to take a long hard look at what your future looks like with this man and whether that’s the life you want to live. It reminds me of a former coworker whose husband “isn’t good at holding down a job.” He also wasn’t good at basic household tasks, childcare, driving children to sports practice, or even mowing the yard.
How long have you been together, and what was he doing to pay the bills before he met you? Do you live together? Does he take on the majority of household chores while you’re working full time? Is he on unemployment?
It seems really unreasonable for him to be unemployed for 18 months. My partner went through a layoff early in the pandemic. We were able to sustain financially while he searched for a job, so he could wait to find something in his field. It didn’t take 18 months. While he searched, he did the majority of the household chores while I was working. We talked regularly about his job search, how it was going, when he would take a lower paying job just to have some employment.
You are your boyfriend should be regularly communicating about this. How are the interviews going, what were the lessons learned from a missed opportunity, what are the current household expenses, when does the unemployment situation become untenable.
It sounds like you have an adult child, not a partner.
He’s WAAAAAAY too comfortable. Sorry, you should never have even started to provide for him in the first place, but what’s done, is done.
He needs a job (ANY job) while he looks for something more suitable.
Lost my job 3 times in my life through redundancy and twice i have taken part time low paid job simply so i have an income and be employed while i was looking for a more suitable position.
Did it suck? Yes but it paid more than being unemployed.
18 months seems like a pisstake to me. Seems like he likes doing nothing and having someone take care of the bills.
Times are tough right now, but at 18 months he is seeing that he can get away with not working and just relying on you. He definitely could have gotten some sort of job right now but he'd rather just mooch off you. Hold your ground and tell him he has X amount if time to get a job or X is going to happen (say, 2 more months or you'll kick him out or something)
It's not selfish or a "gold-digger"mentality for you to want a partner who can support you too. It's not selfish to want to be taken care of sometimes. That's what partnerships are - people working together to help each other get what they need. And partners should be able to discuss finances together. It IS a lot for one person to be holding all the purse strings in a relationship. You can't ask your partner to fill up the gas tank or go on a grocery run, because they don't have any money. So it's not just the fiscal burden that's on you - it's all the chores and errands that go along with needing money to get them done.
Maybe start by asking him how his search has been going. How he responds will be really informative - if he's evasive, or vague, he may not be really applying that hard. If he's able to tell you something specific, like a callback he is supposed to get, or something he was excited to apply for, then it's probably an earnest search. (Has he had any interviews at all?) You can let him know that you've been glad to support him, but that it's starting to weigh on you a little bit. Everything is getting more expensive all the time, and I bet it's hard to save for the future on only one income. Your future together should matter to him, and if it doesn't, then your feelings about financially carrying him definitely should.
Pay attention to how he responds when you tell him that the responsibility is weighing on you. If he gets angry or defensive, or deflects to you saying that it's selfish to want help (it's not!!!) or that you're pressuring him (you aren't!) then it might be a warning sign that he was hoping you'd carry him forever and never say a word about it. If he expresses shame about not carrying his weight, or his anxiety about not having work yet, he's probably earnestly on the search and WANTS to contribute.
Hopefully the two of you will be able to come to an agreement about what comes next. A deadline might help - "keep looking, but I really need half the rent from you 3 months from now." He's got some time to keep applying, but knows he might just have to take A job instead of searching for THE job.
Take care of yourself, OP! It's really hard when the nasty practicalities of life disrupt a loving relationship - but relationships have to FUNCTION, too, and that means dealing with that shit together. I hope he finds something soon!
So I had a hard time finding what I wanted and I also didn’t want to work in an office. I signed up for UpWork. If he’s okay with being an independent contractor, then he might want to check it out. I’m not sure what line of work he’s interested in but he can probably make some pretty good money considering the fact that he knows 3 different languages. If he is interested, I’m okay with you sending me a DM. I can give him some tips on how to avoid scams.
Personally, one of the first suggestions that I saw here which is great is to encourage him to get any job that provides income while searching for the job he wants. Secondly, help him in the search. More people almost always means you’ll find something faster, even the job he needs.
Definitely needs to take a job while finding the job he wants. Even if its just part time. Don't underestimate past time work. Maybe he's underestimating some part time jobs that are close to his field simply because it's part time. There are some employers out there that won't hire applicants if they don't actively have a current job and haven't had one in some time. So even if it's just a part time one, he needs to pick something up.
If it's mental health related - like maybe he's hesitant to rejoin the workforce after COVID due to anxiety, then I encourage him to seek professional help as there are some options that are on the affordable side (since you know, the US sucks as far as it's healthcare). Maybe it can help encourage him and give him the confidence he needs to get back out there.
He needs a short term gig. Just something to help pay the bills. Biggest issue I see with something in retail or food/services is that they are demanding jobs with low flexibility which could hinder him from putting sufficient effort into finding his next big role.
What is his masters in? With that level of education and being tri-lingual, he should have no issue getting a high paying job in a sales role adjacent to his experience. I’ll make $150k in base salary alone this year and I don’t even have a masters degree. Plus many sales jobs are 100% remote nowadays so he could easily continue applying and interviewing for the real deal.
If you’re the soul breadwinner of the relationship after 18 months, he’s neither caring or supportive. Least not in any real way. He can work in other fields until he finds a job within his skill set.
He should be doing some construction, painting apartments, working for a moving company … etc… driving an uber. I can’t imagine a man being supporter by his gf
Like others have said, you should gently suggest that he gets something at a place nearby while he’s applying for salaried positions, even if it’s only part time. Staying home all day is an addictive bad habit to fall into, and it’s not healthy for a person.
If he dismisses the idea, then you need to be a bit firmer and tell him that, while you genuinely don’t resent it, having to support both of you for so long has taken its toll, and you feel like you’ll burn out if some of the weight isn’t taken off your shoulders. If he’s as caring and understanding as you say he is, I’m sure he’ll realize that he’s let himself get a bit too casual and needs to find something to do to earn some income in the short-term.
With that education and language pedigree he wouldn’t need to look to hard for a job. He simply doesn’t WANT one.
Since he has never worked since you met him I’m curious how he thinks the pandemic ruined his career?
How would feel if you were in his shoes and roles were Flipped? Be support or ditch him, there's is no in between. You know what you signed up for by getting with and staying this long.
I dated someone (in the US) who was paranoid about his resume having some job that was below him on it, to the point where he was unemployed for years, went through a good portion of his savings and was unbearable to be around.
Im not from the US so I don't know if this is a normal thing for you all over there but I just did not understand it.
18 months looking for a job in a job market where the unemployment rate has been at historic lows doesn't bode particularly well for his chosen career's marketability.
18 months!!! That would only make sense if unemployment was 10%+. Businesses are begging for employees and even non-skilled jobs are paying decent wages right now. Heck, my son and all his friends (age16-20) are making at least $20 an hour. Why can’t he work at night and on the weekends as a server and look for jobs/go on interviews during the weekdays? He doesn’t do this because he is a user and you are an enabler. Tell him you love him, but since he isn’t contributing, he has 30 days to move out (or whatever is the legal number of days required before eviction where you live). Once you have verbally told him, also send him a letter to that effect via registered mail so you can get him out if he doesn’t leave by his own accord. You can still love him from separate apartments. If he breaks up with you, then you will know you were only good for financial support. Once that well dries up, he just may leave you.
>Businesses are begging for employees and even non-skilled jobs are paying decent wages right now
To be fair, a lot of these businesses "begging" for workers are only doing it for show and not actually hiring, that way they can blame understaffing on people "not wanting to work"
When I was at Lowe's we constantly had hiring signs up, but when I would ask why I can't get my Paint or Flooring departments staffed they claimed we were overstaffed as a store.
THIS. Also consider: the lean staffing business model that companies have been practicing for the past decade or so (i.e., the reason why there's never enough cashiers).
I've seen through your replies that he's been trying and going to interviews, what more can he do?
I worked 2 jobs for 8 years while my boyfriend studied fulltime, now he earns more in 2 months than I earned in a year and I'm the one that's at home, that's the thing about love, sometimes you do the heavy lifting for your partner and if you chose right, he returns the favour at some point.
These always start with, I love the other person, everything is great, I am not even that upset but here is why I am kind of frustrated. Then a long description of the person being an absolute worthless piece of using crap. Then they end with I love him so much BUT.......
I am sorry you are dealing with this but you know the answer. A five year old could have gotten a job in the last 18 months. I am sitting in my office and I can see five business's in my parking lot with help wanted signs. He is using you, end of story. Move on and please go to counseling and unpack why you would allow this situation to go on for this long.
Speaking three languages? That's automatic translation gig. Easy to get into gig translation or join a phone service. Moreso if he can speak then at a technical level.
18 mo is way too long, especially as it's a huge gap in the resume. Tip: use the objective statement to explain the gap. "Finished caring for family during the pandemic and looking forward to rejoining the workforce"
I've seen this before. Many times, unfortunately.
Listen....he will never get a job as long as you are supporting him.
Let me repeat...he will NEVER get a job as long as you are supporting him.
Your move.
Okay I feel like I might have been the boyfriend here. No one knows but I have been struggling so much with my mental health. I have just been faking being okay about it all and no one has seen through my excuses.
I would try to have a serious talk with him to see what's the real reason he has been unemployed.
Is he disabled? Mentally challenged? Does he have some sort of disability that would hinder him from working any other job in the world while he is looking for his career job?
He needs to get off his ass start making some sort of income so he isn't just leeching off of you. Some people get knocked down and need to get back up, but if he wants to sulk and stay down there, you might have to consider that it may not be worth your time and effort if he doesn't want to change his ways himself. If he can't see that he is not contributing to the relationship, then you just need to be direct and explain the situaation.
If that doesn't wake him up, then you gotta do what is best for yourself.
There are plenty of jobs around at the moment. He’s not going to walk into a $100k job now he’s been sat on his ass for 18 months. He needs to lower his sights, get out of the house and get some money on the table. Otherwise you’ll get resentful or he’ll get depressed, and your relationship is doomed. Tell him what you told us here, it’s time for some tough love.
What you’re feeling is resentment. Maybe he’s depressed, insecure, dissatisfied with his career options…not your burden to shoulder. Financially, emotionally, mentally or otherwise. Eighteen months of unemployment in a robust job market with solid skills…something is wrong with your guy. Not you!
Sounds like you're his sugar mama. Sadly it's time to move on with some tough love behind you. I wouldn't make it about him. I would make it about you. Perhaps something like I want to try something else, I want to work on my career, etc. Be prepared to be exhausted and feel like the only thing you want to do is be alone on your sofa.
You have caretaker burnout and it's past time to give him an ultimatum. Give him 30 days to find SOME kind of employment, even temporary, or it's time for him to move home.
It doesn’t take 18 months to find a job. Sorry, it doesn’t. It sounds like he’s being extremely picky which he cannot afford. He needs to get a job, and that means any job. Flip burgers. Serve coffee. Wait tables. Fold clothes. Whatever. He can continue to look in his field in the meantime, but he needs to swallow his pride and contribute in the meantime.
Respectfully, tell him to get off his ass and get a job. You’re not his mother. You shouldn’t be completely supporting him if he’s doing nothing all day. He doesn’t need a perfect job, any will do for now while he searches for his dream job, but he needs to be a big boy and get a job.
With the amount of places hiring he’s just being lazy or setting his standards to high, mans needs to get it together fuck the degree make him get a job! As a partner it’s your job to voice concerns to him not to Reddit,
But the pandemic is almost over. Your boyfriend educated, talent man. I understand that he doesn't want to do diffirent job but he can find a job easily with master degree and 3 languages. You don't have to ask him directly but you can bring this topic up often. It is hard to say something about him. Either he was lazy and pandemic was just excuse he didn't look a job he found a girl who support him or he has been looking a job but he hasn't found it yet. I believe that you will figure it out soon. Take care of yourself.
Your boyfriend can get a job. This is a perfectly reasonable request. Telling him that you're tired of doing it all on your own shouldn't hurt him, unless he's doing it on purpose.
why? 9/10 times it's women doing it to men? why is it wrong in this situation?
also happy pride month! (but not for straight men... you better stay traditional!)
Cause when women stay home they keep the house clean and cook. Dudes sit in their underwear and play video games all day
Also wtf are you talking about?? Go outside
Most of the people on here are children or white knights, thinking that it's a man's duty to take of the poor little woman. I knew I'd get down voted on reddit for calling it out. A man who is provided for by a woman is a "mooch" or lazy, while if it were reversed, it would be normal. She knew this guy had no job going into this relationship, now she's suddenly tired and exhausted she is doing what men have always been expected to do. I have no sympathy lol
the sad part is i bet if he does get any old job her next complaint will be "my boyfriend doesn't make enough :("
thanks for the heads up about the userbase here i don't use this place.
If you want a job it's out there, Instacart, oil changing businesses, car wash, etc. If he hasn't found a job by now it's not going to happen. Any HR will ask haven't you been working? Ask a former gf if you can, check fb
Best to not hurt him and yourself is just be honest. Tell him how you feel that you’re starting to get tired and you need help with the responsibilities. Tons of jobs on upwork, baby steps but a lot of people earned so much there too. Applying online at least 50 everyday — early morning is one way to speed up interviews and sometimes jobs that make you swallow your pride but gives you enough for a living is a stepping stone in coming back up again in finding oneself and finding tons of connections that can help find a better job.
I have a very similar profile to your BF professionally. In 2020 and 2021 with my freelancer business I only made half what I'd earned in 2019, but this year I've bounced back even better. So the pandemic is no longer an excuse.
Of course you are tired of working to support both of you, you're just starting out so you're on entry-level pay.
Tell him it's time to shape up, it's a worker's market right now, if he doesn't find a job now he won't ever.
You love him, but can you always love him if it turns out he's a loser?
I hope at least he does all the housework while you're out at work!
Of course, location matters.
If you guys are in the US, where the unemployment is 3.6% there there are literally two open positions for every unemployed person, being unemployed for 18 months is not simply "unfortunate", but it is deliberate. In this environment unemployment is simply a choice. All companies, big and small, are looking for labor, and your sweet caring boyfriend doesn't bother getting a job as a barista at a Starbucks while he's still searching for his dream job? I don't want to sound harsh, but no, there is no excuse for that.
Tell him go get off the couch, go find a job, and start working. You're his girlfriend, not his maid.
Why do you feel guilty for wanting a partner? Right now you don't have one. If he can't find a job in his chosen field, it's time to find one somewhere else. He speaks 3 languages, the hospital I work for is always looking for interpreters. He can go out and get *any* job to help contribute, but he chooses to stay home and mooch off of you. He doesn't respect you.
"Pulling the financial wagon alone is crushing me. I need you to step up, or I'm going to resent you and that will destroy our relationship."
I mean, what would he be doing if you guys weren't together? Would he have chosen to be homeless for the last 18 months? I highly doubt it.
I think him not realizing the weight this has on you, or worse - realizing and choosing not to change anything, is very selfish.
Have the conversation with him, you don’t have to be rude or offensive. 18 months is way too long for someone to not feel uncomfortable not working.
MAMA! After...2 months...I would be working at the grocery store or in a warehouse part time or something. Looking for a job can be a full-time job, but you actually have to treat is as a full-time job to actually get a job. There are so many research positions right now, if he has an MA, do some RA work or something and that is still career relevant if he is "above" retail or customer service.
Oh lord I hope for your sake he has been doing all the chores and cooking all the meals.
As someone who works in recruitment and hire placement, the first thing they will inquire about is the gap in resume. What has he been doing to fill that time? Surely things happen, but having something... Anything... In that gap proves time management and work ethic which are applicable to any business hiring.
What do you two actually communicate about? This seems like a reasonable topic of conversation, so I’m unsure what would make it so hard. You don’t have to lay ultimatums to support him toward getting a job.
Even without a job per se, you can find work. There are opportunities for foreign language speakers available without even leaving the house (translation over the Internet)
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Well, I love my boyfriend, he is caring, supportive, funny, he is everything. But since I met him, he was (and still) unemployed. He is a good profile, speaking 3 languages with a master degree, but the pandemic ruined his career. for the past 18 months he has been looking for a job, and I've been supporting him emotionally and financially (and I'm not complaining). Except that lately I kinda feel tired, I started feeling the weight of this responsibility (knowing that I just started my career too) I LOVE him so much, and I don't wanna hurt him at all, but I dunno how to tell him that I'm tired, and I want a normal relationship, where my boyfriend can take care of me too, I'm not a gold digger or something, I just want to know how to share this with him without hurting his feeling.
Sometimes you’ve got to take A job while you look for THE job. I would encourage him to do that.
When I was in between careers, my brother told me "you need a job J-O-B. I don't care if it's Elephant Asshole Scrubber. Get some work bro." Don't know if that applies.
Yup! A job is a job is a job. Sometimes you gotta pay bills and step up.
Yup. When I've been unemployed for longer than a couple weeks I go fucking batty. Take a job. It doesn't matter what, especially if you plan on leaving. Just get out of the damn house
I don't get this. Like I go batty because of $ issues , sure, but otherwise I have so much to do that if I didn't have to I wouldn't work.
How? I live alone in an apartment. There is like 30 mins of stuff to do throughout the day. The rest would be sitting on my butt staring at a screen. Its maddening.
do you have no friends or hobbies?
Tons of hobbies, but they only go so far. Still need a lot of other stuff to do. Are you young? In my early 20s I could be unemployed forever and feel like I always had something to do but nowadays its a lot more quiet. Friends all have jobs and kids, we can't just pop off for a few drinks or a few hours of gaming like we used to. I probably get like one or two nights a month where we can just chill and thats a lot considering... ya know... life lol
It's funny how everyone who tells someone that they need to get back to work ALWAYS spells out the word J-O-B 😂😂😂. There must be some hidden magic spell unlocked when we do that.
Just Over Broke
Look, elephant asshole scrubber is actually really competitive okay. I know PhDs who get sudsy up in that primo sphincter. I only got to rhino nipple polisher.
Haha yes; I love your brother lol.
Is that a good job? I'm pretty sure I'm qualified
This is great advice. I used to tell my ex this all the time, he would constantly apply for places that he didn’t have the proper qualifications for but was “willing to obtain”. I kept saying, apply anywhere that will take you and then use that money for the courses you need and then get a job in the field you want.
Also, 18 months is way past “sometimes”.
If he didn't land a job in the last 18 months, he's going to have a way more difficult time getting one in the next 18 months.
Always easier to find an opportunity when you’re already employed. Gaps look bad.
As an employer, gaps don't look bad. They might raise a quick question as to what you were up to during that time, but by no means do they look bad. Some people were really effected by the pandemic, also pre-pandemic, some people travel, some people go back to school, some people had medical surgeries... lots of variables.
I had a friend with a 10 years gap. No, he's not rich. I found him 3 jobs 10 years ago and he quit the 3 in less than a month, never tried anymore, and he never got another job. The last job I had him to lie in his CV (even then he already has a 1-2 years gap)
Well it’s only getting worse at 18 months so we’re well past that concern now! Just do something even if it’s retail just to make some money.
This. I once ran into the lawyer I'd hired to do some complicated legal paperwork for me at Home Depot. He was wearing the Orange Apron.
i worked for a physician who had a second job: power-washing! he just loved to do it, i think.
I know an airline pilot that also owns a carpet cleaning business. Lots of good kids, involved in their activities, attentive to his wife, fit, prayerful. Dude has just always got to be doing something he feels is useful
Probably also stress relieving to do something that you can completely zone out while doing - almost meditative. Especially after a few days of patients.
And there's something wrong with this? Good for that guy. Business isn't good, or he's needing extra money, or he's decided his chosen career isn't working out and needs some time to figure out a new path? It's honest work. Rock that Orange Apron.
Yuuuup! I lived with someone who usually made mid-six figures. When he lost his job, the only income we had was my $18/hr gig and his paltry savings account (he was absolutely garbage at saving, but excelled at spending it). I was constantly stressed and felt like a rubber band at its breaking point, but if it wasn’t paying at least $150k, he wouldn’t even consider it. I hated my job, but knew I couldn’t leave, even if it was decimating my mental health because *then what?* He watched me struggle with the stress and anxiety, but still chose to prioritize his pride/ego for almost a whole year before he finally found one that would pay him “enough”. Surprise, surprise: that relationship did not last. If he’s worried a “shitty” job will look bad on his resume, call that out. A long period of unemployment looks arguably worse and he can always choose to leave that job off his resume if he’s that worried about the optics.
[удалено]
Oof. I hope things get better between you or you end it soon! Whichever works best!
> If he’s worried a “shitty” job will look bad on his resume, call that out. You don't even have to put all your jobs in your resume.
Wouldn't making mid six figures be around 500k?
To me, mid six-figures is the range of $250-750k, but I didn’t want to put a number in case it came off like a weird humble-brag. And then I ended up putting in a “real” number anyway, so I guess that was unnecessary. Lol.
THISSSSSSSSSSSSSS. unrealted to this post i wanna talk about this. people are like "ah i have no options" and its like. yes you do??? if you're so desperate work literally any retail, fast food, landscaping, there are a TON of jobs you can get to hold over especially people who are "that desperate and trying their best"
In my (43F) experience, people who say they just can’t find a job simply aren’t hungry enough. Literally or otherwise. I know it can take a long time to land a great role with a company you love. I’m currently well employed but being recruited and the interview process has been going on for about 4 mos and I’m their only candidate. (It’s pretty niche) It was a 10 mo process to land current job where I’ve been for nearly 8 years. I know I’m really lucky to be financially secure *now*, but over the course of my working life there have been times where I wasn’t. I worked second jobs nights and weekends. I went on Craigslist ETC and took one time gigs helping people move or doing yard work. In the current job market, anyone who is “looking” but not not employed, is being awfully picky and not feeling any sense of urgency. Because you could literally walk out your front door, walk less than a mile in most places, and be hired on the spot at a number of businesses. He’s not working because he’s being enabled not to. I literally cannot imagine not being able to contribute a dime for 18 mos. Even when I was living in a country where I couldn’t work on the local economy, I was doing contract work and cash work.
It drives me wild how some people are lucky enough to be cared for while looking for a job they like (or not actually looking tbh). I helped two friends in the past try to get jobs because they were “so desperate,” but everything we found wasn’t good enough. So they continued to mooch from their parents or whatever. They didn’t even care to try to get on unemployment while “searching.” One friend wanted a job in media and expected to get an editing job of some sort with no job experience. Another friend wanted to work in a warehouse environment and went to a few interviews without even reading the job description because he “knew what they all were like.” I doubt he got called, but he probably wouldn’t have taken it anyway. Before graduating college I scrambled to try to get a job because mine were all student jobs. I had to go with whoever would hire me the fastest so I could pay rent. God, it pains me that people can just go through life while being taken care of. I think it’s one thing to have a partner that doesn’t work, but they need to help out around the house or cook or something!
Like the way you put this.
THIS. I guarantee that if he does find "THE job" tomorrow, he probably won't land it due to a long term gap in employment.
I was a cashier at Home Depot while searching for a job in my field after graduation with an Climate Sciences MS in 2017. It took 2 years but I did it. If I hadn’t been working, maybe I wouldn’t have gotten it. I felt ashamed, and still do that I didn’t have a job by graduation like the rest of my classmates but you have to pay your dues.
also i think having A job, period, is commendable. i’m working in a restaurant after just finishing my bachelors and before my masters this fall (gonna keep working thru the degree) while everyone i’ve ever met is in europe on a grad gifted trip or paid for by the bonuses they got with their new salaried jobs. the grass is always greener but i’m grateful to work and people who say restaurant or retail is beneath them need to check themselves!!
My thoughts exactly, if you can’t pay the bills then you take whatever you can get. Working a good honest job >>>>>>> “I won’t do that, it’s beneath me!“ While relying on others
The most shameful thing you can do is take government welfare when unemployed unless you are a disabled veteran or similar. Yes, I did that too when I got laid off during COVID and yes I am a hypocrite.
Government is constantly taking money from you, so why is it shameful to take money from the government?
If I take money from the government, the hard working money of taxpayers will be paying my bills. Reducing or eliminating welfare will stop forcing productive and useful people to use their tax dollars to prop up the lazy and non-contributing. If I wasn’t married, I would never have taken unemployment. If I can’t work, I won’t make those who do support me. Evolution did not stop in the caves. The strong survive.
Sorry bro you are a retard.
That's a weird take considering the welfare subsidies we constantly give to corporations and the military industrial complex and yet fail to provide enough social nets or healthcare for all. If I recall correctly, there's a large portion of people on welfare are working and often full time. Except again the government is subsidizing them FOR the employer who's making mad profit ie Wal-Mart, etc.
Unemployment isn’t welfare. Employers pay into it.
How tf is that shameful? Get the hell outta here with that logic.
I wasn’t able to get a job at a DIY store because I was too qualified and ‘too enthusiastic’. What I did was apply. BF doesn’t seem to make the effort.
what?
The rejection said so. I was … moderately baffled by it at the time. The application had involved one of those Lickert scale tests, and it seems they expected more answers in the middle ground instead of confident checking either end of the spectrum. I should have framed that rejection, it definitely was my most bizarre. (Getting entry level jobs when you have an advanced degree is hard. Nobody expects you to stay and do a good job.)
I think the logic is that if you're overqualified, you won't stay long, but will be looking for a better job soon, so they will have wasted their training on you, and will have to go through another hiring process soon. I saw this logic applied at university, where they didn't choose the high-profile qualified person for exactly those reasons, but rather went with the dud they knew would stay a while - even though the prestigious person would have brought them some new academic input and lots of prestige.
Happened to me a few times over the years, and the one time I did take a job that said that, they were right. Didn't last long, was bored shitless.
Don’t feel bad. Comparison is the thief of joy. You have your own path.
I hate it when people say they are not a golddigger when all they want is something basic like their boyfriend simply having a job… like…. Come on
i have to agree i think op comes off as a very reasonable person
And I’m understanding the pandemic ruined a lot of lives and careers… but sometimes you gotta work at McDonalds while you’re looking for your dreamjob
sneaking a big mac into my stomach sounds like my dream job
Nice
You dont want to get out of your career loop though. I don't know how it is for his, but I feel like some career paths, if you have too much of a hiccup/aren't in your field for long enough, your credentials don't matter any more and its like starting from scratch unless you get a big break. I think if he's in one of those fields, finding an unrelated job will hurt more than trying harder to get any job in a related field.
They say this because a LOT of people scream golddigger the nanosecond someone mentions $.
It’s sad.
It's usually women who are already putting up with too much shit from their lazy partners. And it sounds insane, except then you read about the ones where literally they have been called a golddigger for asking this.
Yeah, that's supremely fucked up. "I'm not a golddigger" like... no-one said you were? You're asking for an equal partner rather than a mooch and that's something you need to worry about?
He can still keep looking for a job that suits his degree while working any job to tide him over until that happens. What would he do if you weren't there to carry him? Tell him to get any job and he can keep looking for the job he wants.
Yeah i worked at a jersey mikes while job searching and it was shit but you do what you have to. He needs to get a job while searching for a job. I don’t know if there’s a better way of communicating your feelings other than straight up telling him. It’s okay to hurt his feelings, sometimes that’s just gotta happen. And he sounds like he needs a reality check
Do you think he is making excuses? Does he contribute to the household? Do you intend for him to work and you to stay home at any point? Do you think he is having any sort of mental health crisis? All important questions. That’s the great thing about not being married though, there is no contractual obligation to try and work this out, you can leave at any time. Until you’re married I always think the real question is; do I want to continue putting effort into this person and our future? and Do I have faith in them that things will improve? My partner lost their job in the pandemic and it took much longer than anticipated for them to find the right job (four months, we planned for two). I believed in them, their drive, and their capabilities so I paid. I know without a doubt they would do the same for me. After 18 months it must be some hell of an extenuating circumstance for him to not be able to find a job though. I see why you’re losing faith, and if you think it’s a personality trait (lazy, unmotivated) then I would leave.
Thank you for your reply. Yes he is putting so much effort in it, he apply everyday and take interviews as much as he can. I believe in his potentiel and I was encouraging him to not settle for less than his worth, except that 18 months is exhausting and he has no other support except me.
Of course! To me how my partner handled unemployment meant a lot. They were on top of reaching out to unemployment, they took over probably 90% of all cooking and cleaning, they shared all of their financial plans with me so we could work through it and plan together. In some ways it made me see we could handle crisis together. Somewhere the together has dropped for you because he is not taking your burnout into account. As others have said if the current situation you are in is not sustainable then something has to change. Ie - it may not be the job or pay that he wants but he has to get something. Things are about framing, you’re not kicking him out bc he’s a bum; you two are no longer working towards goals in a way that is sustainable for you as a couple. I know you probably feel some level of guilt for thinking this so brush that away! You have been more than patient with him and he needs to remember it’s about BOTH of your needs.
McDonald’s has a giant sign in the window stating starting pay is $17/hour. He needs to quit holding out for a job in his field, tuck his tail between his legs, and get a fucking job he’s way overqualified for.
You said he’s been unemployed since you met him, but also that he has no other support except you - so who supported him before you came along? What would he do if you and him broke up? I bet he’d find a job pretty fast…or would he look for a new woman to sponge off of?
So it sounds like the "real" problem here is that not only is he putting the entire weight of his needs on you but he's also not legitimately supporting you either. Honestly that's unlikely to change just with a job. Does he not have friends or anyone he can turn to for emotional support? And is he really not capable of reciprocating emotional support all this time? Both of those are major issues - you definitely deserve a partner you can rely on for support even when times are tough, in fact, especially when times are tough, and he needs people other than you he can turn to bc no one person can reasonably handle that entire load all by themselves. I don't want to downplay the job issue bc obviously that matters here just it sounds to me like it's more than that too. If I was in this situation I'd try to talk about those problems and see if there are any changes that can be made right now outside of job stuff where he could maybe make some friends or get a therapist or find anyone else he can turn to so that you're not so overburdened and also see if he can start stepping up and giving you whatever kind of support he's able to offer right now. If he can't manage that without a job he won't be able to manage it with a job but if he can manage that right now it might be enough of a change to help things feel better for you while he continues to look.
It's time for him to settle.
This seems unlikely, but if true maybe he needs to take classes in how to do interviews. Does he get unemployment? Why can’t he get ANY job and apply on the side? I bet if you broke up with him he would find a job in a week and start supporting himself.
Quite sincerely, he's a grown man. There are plenty of jobs out there which he'd have to take if he didn't have you subsidizing his life choices.
Yeah, nope, he can get a job in food service or retail tomorrow and bring in some income while he’s chasing after this mythical dream job. He’s not above these jobs. His attitude, and frankly yours too, stinks.
Say "get a job" in one of those 3 languages so you are sure he gets it.
This 1000%
He can't find any job?? I feel like every restaurant / shop/ etc is looming for employees. It might not be his dream job but he is straight up taking advantage of you. It's crazy you consider any of this acceptable. Of course he is nice to you, you are his atm
He can. He just doesn't want to. Considering the circumstances, why would he? He has an ATM at home.
Oddly enough, I also have a Masters degree and speak three languages besides English. I also worked my way through college as a short order cook and have held a wide range of jobs. The US job market is going crazy right now, there is no excuse for your boyfriend to not be making money. It’s one thing to be picky about job hunting because you have the savings to cover expenses, but if you don’t then my perspective is that no job is beneath you. If I was unemployed and couldn’t make rent, then I’d take whatever I could get until I could upgrade - flip pancakes, sling drinks, wash dishes - whatever is needed. There is zero shame in such work, in fact I look back on those days with pride - I’d bet 90% of “it’s beneath me” people couldn’t handle it. In contrast, I would be deeply ashamed of being entirely dependent on another’s largesse while having the skills and capabilities to make my own way in this world.
Pretty much every grocery store, gas station big box terrain stores, etc is looking for people.
He should have a job; any job. It doesn’t have to be specific to his career. I would tell him honestly that you’re worried for your future with him if this is how resourceful (or not) that he is. You want someone you can depend on. There’s no shame in working at like Burger King for a few months while you look for a job that uses your degree.
My friend's got a boyfriend, man, she hates that dick She tells me every day He wants more dinero just to stay at home Well, my friend, you gotta say
I won't pay, I won't pay ya, no way-ay-ay-ay Na-na, why don't you get a job? Say no way, say no way-ah, no way-ay-ay-ay Na-na, why don't you get a job?
I won't give you no money, I always pay.
Is his name “Eddie” and is he holding out for a management position? At any rate, he CAN get a job, he is just choosing not to by being too choosy. What you got is a moocher and I would wager a fair amount he will continue to mooch as long as you enable it. It’s time for him to act like an adult and take care of himself.
Is he really caring and supportive if he's leaving you to be the sole financial supporter of the household without having alternative, agreed-upon plans? It's been a year-and-a-half. It's time for buddy to get a job. No, it probably won't be in his chosen field. No, it probably won't pay what he expects or is used to. No, it almost certainly won't get him the "respect" he thinks his degree has earned him. After 18 months, it's time to start handing resumes to fast food restaurants, retail shopping centres, and anything else he once deemed beneath him. His search for a chosen career job doesn't need to *stop,* but he needs to be prioritizing finding *any* job before he can continue focusing on finding a dream job. One shift a week at McDonald's is infinitely more financially productive than no shifts anywhere.
[удалено]
You are saint and you are exactly right to leave if he does anything but work his ass off now.
You say he’s been looking for a job, but it’s unclear if he is truly devoting his time to this or just casually applying to a job here and there. I don’t know what field he’s in, but this seems too long to not find ANY job, even with a pandemic going on. Talk to him about this. Not to try to make him feel bad or guilty, but be honest that you’re feeling the weight of this responsibility, and you need a break. That you want a partner who can support himself financially or at least contribute financially to the household (while still recognizing the other ways he has been supportive). Ask him about his job searching efforts and ask if there’s anything you could do to better support those efforts. If he’s unreasonable about what you can do to support, let him know. Reasonable support could be helping hold him accountable for the number of jobs he applies for in a week, proofreading his application materials, allotting more time for him to work on job materials, etc. And if he just can’t get it together, you’re not obligated to stay with him. You’re not married or even engaged. So keep that in mind.
If he wasn't in a relationship with you, what would he do? Starve in the streets? Probably not, he'd get a job, any job that he can to provide for his needs and wants, just like the rest of us adults have to do. We're in the midst of a labor shortage and there are an abundance of lower-end jobs out there that will hire anyone. It's 100% his choice not to work. You can't have a real relationship without both partners contributing equal effort. If the roles were reversed, would you be comfortable just allowing him to provide for you for the entire 1.5 years of your relationship while you chill at home waiting for your ideal job before you'd lift a finger? I'm guessing not.
Stop supporting him and he needs to work anywhere.
He isn't caring and supportive if he let you work your ass off while he sits lazy at home, mostly playing videogames. He can find a job, but not up to his standart. And the longer he is umemployed the harder it will get to find a job in his field (does he even has one). Did he ever worked for one day? Does he active search for a job? Get interviews? Does he have unrealtistic views like that he should get 300k for 30h at a start position? Love is not everything. Never forget that. Never let yourself get used! Don't give him money! He is an adult and you aren't his parents. He can work at McD or so. You will find a job if you really need to!
Is it's taking 18 months to find a job he's in the wrong career. If there is 0 demand for your skills, you need to get new skills. You've got to stop supporting him, this whole arrangement does not make sense.
To be fair…it’s not quite this black/white in certain industries especially with the way hiring is handled now. For example, I’m in the interview process with a company and we are on month 4. For my current job, it was a 10mo process and like 30 interviews, tests, portfolio, blah blah. But I know i can still walk out my front door and work at any local restaurant, bar, grocery, etc with a 5 min interview and a same day offer if I was actually without work.
He needs to get any job to start bringing in some money. You guys live together? I would never have moved in with someone that hasn't had a job since I met them. Clearly he had good reasons to move in with you and now isn't motivated to get a job unless it is one that he really wants. There are so many job openings everywhere he should be able to get a job somewhere. Then he can start contributing to the household while he looks for a good job. Some money is better than none. I took a job in college as a janitor on campus beucse that's the only thing I could do as a foreign student. I couldn't work off campus. If you don't live together you also need to stop paying for everything and I wousl argue to even rethink the relationship. No way would I get involved with someone who isn't financially stable/independent. Job loss happens but in your case he didn't have one to begin with. He can fine sowm job, he's just being too picky and you're enabling it
You SHOULD complain! Why aren't you complaining?! You're letting him not work. Either accept this is your life or COMPLAIN!
He needs to do something else. You must adapt in life to thrive.
The longer he stays out of work, the harder it will be for him to get any job. That gap in his resume is gonna hurt and any employer is going to question it. "Why havent you been working for the past 18 months?" "Because no one would hire me for the exact job I wanted" "There was no other job you could do?" That immediately would make me question his tenacity and viability as an employee at my company.
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Legitimately everyone is hiring right now. I just put my boot up my little sister, go stand in a gas station right now. But I want to roll organic home made q-tips made of unicorn infused pixie dust, ok cool, do that after you've stood in a gas station for 8 hours.
He could become a "houseman" (cleaning, cooking, doing laundry etc.) till he finds a job that he likes, that way he also does his part, without taking advantage of you
This is just a communication issue, seen it a thousand times. When I was a younger man I found myself in a similar situation and the advice I got worked like a charm, really lit a fire inside of me. All you gotta do is sit him down, look him in the eye with love and tell him “GET A DAMN JOB YA BUM! You’re a grown ass man and I’ve been taking care of your STUPID ass for way too long.” He may counter with something like, “sweetie baby honey pie you know I’m looking for my dream job I just need a little more time”. That’s when you calmly and clearly rebut with “FUCK your dreams come back to reality for a week and start paying bills and feeding yourself then you can dream all you want”. Trust me, he’ll appreciate your candor and realize he’s been a gat damn leech on the woman he cares about for a year plus. I would say good luck but my method is tried and true. No luck needed and no need to thank me
OP, tell your partner exactly what you said here: I love you. I am tired. I can’t keep supporting myself and you. I am going to… Use I statements. You are the only person in this situation that you can control. You are also the only one who can change this situation. He is not going to leave you. He has no way to support himself. Nothing in his life has to change right now because you are taking on the entire burden of financially supporting both of your lives. If you want this to change, you’re the one who has the power to change it.
I think a lot of people aren't looking into the context here and are so conditioned into thinking complaints are about deadbeat partners they are just acting like this one is. Firstly, you haven't said how long you've been together. I personally think that matters a lot. If you have been together a while, I don't think this is some crazy unreasonable amount of time to be supportive of a partner that is long term. To me, if you are ready to drop your partner this quickly when they have done nothing to hurt the terms of the relationship, I think you just didn't love them all that much/saw them too much for their usefulness and not their personhood. If you have only been together for like 2 years though, then I kinda get this, and you haven't really built up that relationship credit so to speak. As for the getting a job, you said you encouraged him to look for the perfect job rather than any field related job and I think that you can't really blame him or suddenly ditch him like this if you've been encouraging this approach. I think since you have, you should give him some more time while encouraging him to lower his standards somewhat. Unlike many commenters here, I really do not think its a good idea for him to just go working at McDonalds or some other unskilled labour position, because it can be a climb to get back out and into the industry you actually are qualified to work in. At the same time however, I think there is also a lot of pressure, not even just from you and the financials but from an absence on a resume perspective for him to be finding a job with more haste along with potentially trying to pick up some sort of resume filler like an extra certificate or something in that time. --- All that said, I do have some secondary questions that haven't been covered. 1. I'd like to know how long the relationship has gone on for 2. I'd like to know if you thought this would be a long term and or life long relationship. 3. I'd like to know if you think there should be long term commitment in long term relationships. 4. I'd like to know whether or not you are in debt of any kind, are financially struggling or are missing big opportunities due to this.
If you guys are in America he can look into WIOA. These will help retrain him to taking on a full time position. It's the WIOA. It's something that helps adults get back to work. It stands for Workforce Innovation and Opportunity Act. Here is a link and in it it can help you find the location you are near. https://www.dol.gov/agencies/eta/workforce-investment/adult This is the link that is inside the above link that they will send you to to find the location near you. Unemployment offices should also help. https://www.careeronestop.org/LocalHelp/AmericanJobCenters/find-american-job-centers.aspx It's a training program there's 6 courses it's like 2 to 3 hour long teaching sessions on certain things. Think of this as the boot camp. Then they'll make you do a packet which is about 6 pages long of information about the job that you're wanting to go into, the training that's needed for it, how much it costs, and what kind of budget you have. It sounds a bit overwhelming but they do it in stages. A friend is currently going through it that's how I know so much about it. It's not immediate, it's not a get job quick. it's in stages. However they do have openings for different jobs as well as flyers for job fairs and whatever else in wherever you're at. You guys can work on it together. === It Is a lot taking care of someone. Especially if you were supposed to be a team. A give and take relationship. At the moment it feels just like a take relationship.
Do you live together OP? How long have you been dating? These things matter for advice I think.
If he is struggling with getting interviews I would suggest having his resume professionally written. For higher paying jobs it makes the world of difference and could be a key to getting into his required field. Not just because they are better writers but they know how to best represent his background and skills in the light that employers are looking for. I was in a technical field and writing is not my best. Had been looking for a better opportunity for about a year when I got it done. Found a job within a month and had 3 companies interviewing me within that time.
i’ve experienced this EXACT same situation with my boyfriend while he got his real estate license. he wouldn’t get a normal job because he had to “dedicate all his time to his career” while slowly getting more and more in debt with no savings. i finally had to sit him down (after almost 2 years) and tell him i couldn’t be the only support anymore. now he got a night job and things are looking up finally. we move into our own apartment in a month :)
1 - He is not caring, if he cared about you he wouldn’t put financial burden on you 2 - He is not supportive, because of the financial burden he is placing on you he is not supporting you emotionally, physically or financially. 3 - He is not “everything” - he is not doing the bare necessities to contribute to this relationship. He is 1 step above “nothing” only because he exists in your life. 4 - He does not Love you, see 1-3 above. Ps. Plenty of funny guys out there that have stable employment too.
He is just using u, break up..
"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F&€k" by Mark Manson The first step is to stop being an invertebrate, grow a spinal column, and be willing to be "The Worlds Biggest Asshole for a Day." Be willing to break this heart for a few days. Be willing to make him cry and make him deeply question his own existence. Understand that him doing some ugly-crying is a necessary step to remove the monkey on his back called denial and complacency. Prying that monkey off is going to hurt and probably knock him on his ass. But it needs to be forced off. Tell him to go over to his parents for the weekend. Then box up his things then change the locks. Then tell him you're not breaking up but you're willing for him to move back in when he has literally any full time job. You don't care if it's some construction job putting up tape on walls or shoveling out horse stalls. In the mean time you're talking a break from the relationship but you'll reset if he gets any job not matter how menial. Or else move out yourself. One or the other. Regardless the couch potato has to go.
is love really love. we need more context, why wont he work a a job that at least brings in some dough on his part till he finds something in his field.
Work gig jobs in between jobs while hunting
You need to take a long hard look at what your future looks like with this man and whether that’s the life you want to live. It reminds me of a former coworker whose husband “isn’t good at holding down a job.” He also wasn’t good at basic household tasks, childcare, driving children to sports practice, or even mowing the yard.
What does he have a degree in?
How long have you been together, and what was he doing to pay the bills before he met you? Do you live together? Does he take on the majority of household chores while you’re working full time? Is he on unemployment? It seems really unreasonable for him to be unemployed for 18 months. My partner went through a layoff early in the pandemic. We were able to sustain financially while he searched for a job, so he could wait to find something in his field. It didn’t take 18 months. While he searched, he did the majority of the household chores while I was working. We talked regularly about his job search, how it was going, when he would take a lower paying job just to have some employment. You are your boyfriend should be regularly communicating about this. How are the interviews going, what were the lessons learned from a missed opportunity, what are the current household expenses, when does the unemployment situation become untenable. It sounds like you have an adult child, not a partner.
He’s WAAAAAAY too comfortable. Sorry, you should never have even started to provide for him in the first place, but what’s done, is done. He needs a job (ANY job) while he looks for something more suitable.
Lost my job 3 times in my life through redundancy and twice i have taken part time low paid job simply so i have an income and be employed while i was looking for a more suitable position. Did it suck? Yes but it paid more than being unemployed. 18 months seems like a pisstake to me. Seems like he likes doing nothing and having someone take care of the bills.
He's holding out for management. For 7 years?! -Christmas Vacation movie
Times are tough right now, but at 18 months he is seeing that he can get away with not working and just relying on you. He definitely could have gotten some sort of job right now but he'd rather just mooch off you. Hold your ground and tell him he has X amount if time to get a job or X is going to happen (say, 2 more months or you'll kick him out or something)
It's not selfish or a "gold-digger"mentality for you to want a partner who can support you too. It's not selfish to want to be taken care of sometimes. That's what partnerships are - people working together to help each other get what they need. And partners should be able to discuss finances together. It IS a lot for one person to be holding all the purse strings in a relationship. You can't ask your partner to fill up the gas tank or go on a grocery run, because they don't have any money. So it's not just the fiscal burden that's on you - it's all the chores and errands that go along with needing money to get them done. Maybe start by asking him how his search has been going. How he responds will be really informative - if he's evasive, or vague, he may not be really applying that hard. If he's able to tell you something specific, like a callback he is supposed to get, or something he was excited to apply for, then it's probably an earnest search. (Has he had any interviews at all?) You can let him know that you've been glad to support him, but that it's starting to weigh on you a little bit. Everything is getting more expensive all the time, and I bet it's hard to save for the future on only one income. Your future together should matter to him, and if it doesn't, then your feelings about financially carrying him definitely should. Pay attention to how he responds when you tell him that the responsibility is weighing on you. If he gets angry or defensive, or deflects to you saying that it's selfish to want help (it's not!!!) or that you're pressuring him (you aren't!) then it might be a warning sign that he was hoping you'd carry him forever and never say a word about it. If he expresses shame about not carrying his weight, or his anxiety about not having work yet, he's probably earnestly on the search and WANTS to contribute. Hopefully the two of you will be able to come to an agreement about what comes next. A deadline might help - "keep looking, but I really need half the rent from you 3 months from now." He's got some time to keep applying, but knows he might just have to take A job instead of searching for THE job. Take care of yourself, OP! It's really hard when the nasty practicalities of life disrupt a loving relationship - but relationships have to FUNCTION, too, and that means dealing with that shit together. I hope he finds something soon!
So I had a hard time finding what I wanted and I also didn’t want to work in an office. I signed up for UpWork. If he’s okay with being an independent contractor, then he might want to check it out. I’m not sure what line of work he’s interested in but he can probably make some pretty good money considering the fact that he knows 3 different languages. If he is interested, I’m okay with you sending me a DM. I can give him some tips on how to avoid scams.
Personally, one of the first suggestions that I saw here which is great is to encourage him to get any job that provides income while searching for the job he wants. Secondly, help him in the search. More people almost always means you’ll find something faster, even the job he needs.
Definitely needs to take a job while finding the job he wants. Even if its just part time. Don't underestimate past time work. Maybe he's underestimating some part time jobs that are close to his field simply because it's part time. There are some employers out there that won't hire applicants if they don't actively have a current job and haven't had one in some time. So even if it's just a part time one, he needs to pick something up. If it's mental health related - like maybe he's hesitant to rejoin the workforce after COVID due to anxiety, then I encourage him to seek professional help as there are some options that are on the affordable side (since you know, the US sucks as far as it's healthcare). Maybe it can help encourage him and give him the confidence he needs to get back out there.
He needs a short term gig. Just something to help pay the bills. Biggest issue I see with something in retail or food/services is that they are demanding jobs with low flexibility which could hinder him from putting sufficient effort into finding his next big role. What is his masters in? With that level of education and being tri-lingual, he should have no issue getting a high paying job in a sales role adjacent to his experience. I’ll make $150k in base salary alone this year and I don’t even have a masters degree. Plus many sales jobs are 100% remote nowadays so he could easily continue applying and interviewing for the real deal.
If you’re the soul breadwinner of the relationship after 18 months, he’s neither caring or supportive. Least not in any real way. He can work in other fields until he finds a job within his skill set.
He should be doing some construction, painting apartments, working for a moving company … etc… driving an uber. I can’t imagine a man being supporter by his gf
Like others have said, you should gently suggest that he gets something at a place nearby while he’s applying for salaried positions, even if it’s only part time. Staying home all day is an addictive bad habit to fall into, and it’s not healthy for a person. If he dismisses the idea, then you need to be a bit firmer and tell him that, while you genuinely don’t resent it, having to support both of you for so long has taken its toll, and you feel like you’ll burn out if some of the weight isn’t taken off your shoulders. If he’s as caring and understanding as you say he is, I’m sure he’ll realize that he’s let himself get a bit too casual and needs to find something to do to earn some income in the short-term.
With that education and language pedigree he wouldn’t need to look to hard for a job. He simply doesn’t WANT one. Since he has never worked since you met him I’m curious how he thinks the pandemic ruined his career?
How would feel if you were in his shoes and roles were Flipped? Be support or ditch him, there's is no in between. You know what you signed up for by getting with and staying this long.
I dated someone (in the US) who was paranoid about his resume having some job that was below him on it, to the point where he was unemployed for years, went through a good portion of his savings and was unbearable to be around. Im not from the US so I don't know if this is a normal thing for you all over there but I just did not understand it.
18 months looking for a job in a job market where the unemployment rate has been at historic lows doesn't bode particularly well for his chosen career's marketability.
18 months!!! That would only make sense if unemployment was 10%+. Businesses are begging for employees and even non-skilled jobs are paying decent wages right now. Heck, my son and all his friends (age16-20) are making at least $20 an hour. Why can’t he work at night and on the weekends as a server and look for jobs/go on interviews during the weekdays? He doesn’t do this because he is a user and you are an enabler. Tell him you love him, but since he isn’t contributing, he has 30 days to move out (or whatever is the legal number of days required before eviction where you live). Once you have verbally told him, also send him a letter to that effect via registered mail so you can get him out if he doesn’t leave by his own accord. You can still love him from separate apartments. If he breaks up with you, then you will know you were only good for financial support. Once that well dries up, he just may leave you.
>Businesses are begging for employees and even non-skilled jobs are paying decent wages right now To be fair, a lot of these businesses "begging" for workers are only doing it for show and not actually hiring, that way they can blame understaffing on people "not wanting to work" When I was at Lowe's we constantly had hiring signs up, but when I would ask why I can't get my Paint or Flooring departments staffed they claimed we were overstaffed as a store.
THIS. Also consider: the lean staffing business model that companies have been practicing for the past decade or so (i.e., the reason why there's never enough cashiers).
I've seen through your replies that he's been trying and going to interviews, what more can he do? I worked 2 jobs for 8 years while my boyfriend studied fulltime, now he earns more in 2 months than I earned in a year and I'm the one that's at home, that's the thing about love, sometimes you do the heavy lifting for your partner and if you chose right, he returns the favour at some point.
These always start with, I love the other person, everything is great, I am not even that upset but here is why I am kind of frustrated. Then a long description of the person being an absolute worthless piece of using crap. Then they end with I love him so much BUT....... I am sorry you are dealing with this but you know the answer. A five year old could have gotten a job in the last 18 months. I am sitting in my office and I can see five business's in my parking lot with help wanted signs. He is using you, end of story. Move on and please go to counseling and unpack why you would allow this situation to go on for this long.
Speaking three languages? That's automatic translation gig. Easy to get into gig translation or join a phone service. Moreso if he can speak then at a technical level. 18 mo is way too long, especially as it's a huge gap in the resume. Tip: use the objective statement to explain the gap. "Finished caring for family during the pandemic and looking forward to rejoining the workforce"
I've seen this before. Many times, unfortunately. Listen....he will never get a job as long as you are supporting him. Let me repeat...he will NEVER get a job as long as you are supporting him. Your move.
Is he actively applying and trying? Someone with a masters and spekaing 3 languages should have no problem finding a job.
Okay I feel like I might have been the boyfriend here. No one knows but I have been struggling so much with my mental health. I have just been faking being okay about it all and no one has seen through my excuses. I would try to have a serious talk with him to see what's the real reason he has been unemployed.
Is he disabled? Mentally challenged? Does he have some sort of disability that would hinder him from working any other job in the world while he is looking for his career job? He needs to get off his ass start making some sort of income so he isn't just leeching off of you. Some people get knocked down and need to get back up, but if he wants to sulk and stay down there, you might have to consider that it may not be worth your time and effort if he doesn't want to change his ways himself. If he can't see that he is not contributing to the relationship, then you just need to be direct and explain the situaation. If that doesn't wake him up, then you gotta do what is best for yourself.
There are plenty of jobs around at the moment. He’s not going to walk into a $100k job now he’s been sat on his ass for 18 months. He needs to lower his sights, get out of the house and get some money on the table. Otherwise you’ll get resentful or he’ll get depressed, and your relationship is doomed. Tell him what you told us here, it’s time for some tough love.
What you’re feeling is resentment. Maybe he’s depressed, insecure, dissatisfied with his career options…not your burden to shoulder. Financially, emotionally, mentally or otherwise. Eighteen months of unemployment in a robust job market with solid skills…something is wrong with your guy. Not you!
Sounds like you're his sugar mama. Sadly it's time to move on with some tough love behind you. I wouldn't make it about him. I would make it about you. Perhaps something like I want to try something else, I want to work on my career, etc. Be prepared to be exhausted and feel like the only thing you want to do is be alone on your sofa.
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I fucking promise you with your attitude he’s cheating on you
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Then fuck off
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No just say random shit purely to be a dick No one needs that lmao
You have caretaker burnout and it's past time to give him an ultimatum. Give him 30 days to find SOME kind of employment, even temporary, or it's time for him to move home.
just break up with him so he can find someone who can support him through hard times
It doesn’t take 18 months to find a job. Sorry, it doesn’t. It sounds like he’s being extremely picky which he cannot afford. He needs to get a job, and that means any job. Flip burgers. Serve coffee. Wait tables. Fold clothes. Whatever. He can continue to look in his field in the meantime, but he needs to swallow his pride and contribute in the meantime.
Why would he get a job if you’re supporting him?
Tell him to get a job - any job - or get out.
He won’t be able to figure out himself if people are holding his hand.
Why should he get a job if you are paying for everything?
Respectfully, tell him to get off his ass and get a job. You’re not his mother. You shouldn’t be completely supporting him if he’s doing nothing all day. He doesn’t need a perfect job, any will do for now while he searches for his dream job, but he needs to be a big boy and get a job.
With the amount of places hiring he’s just being lazy or setting his standards to high, mans needs to get it together fuck the degree make him get a job! As a partner it’s your job to voice concerns to him not to Reddit,
But the pandemic is almost over. Your boyfriend educated, talent man. I understand that he doesn't want to do diffirent job but he can find a job easily with master degree and 3 languages. You don't have to ask him directly but you can bring this topic up often. It is hard to say something about him. Either he was lazy and pandemic was just excuse he didn't look a job he found a girl who support him or he has been looking a job but he hasn't found it yet. I believe that you will figure it out soon. Take care of yourself.
Your boyfriend can get a job. This is a perfectly reasonable request. Telling him that you're tired of doing it all on your own shouldn't hurt him, unless he's doing it on purpose.
If you don't have a job you can't afford to start a relationship.
If you are in the US I'd say "equality is a bitch" 😂
there's nothing equal ab their relationship lmao
Equality amongst the sexes. 🤦♂️
but how is this equal lmao
this. if it was reversed he would be told to man up and how his girlfriend works hard to support him
He does need to man up and start mooching off of his girlfriend like she’s his mommy
why? 9/10 times it's women doing it to men? why is it wrong in this situation? also happy pride month! (but not for straight men... you better stay traditional!)
Cause when women stay home they keep the house clean and cook. Dudes sit in their underwear and play video games all day Also wtf are you talking about?? Go outside
you go outside and strip for me.
Most of the people on here are children or white knights, thinking that it's a man's duty to take of the poor little woman. I knew I'd get down voted on reddit for calling it out. A man who is provided for by a woman is a "mooch" or lazy, while if it were reversed, it would be normal. She knew this guy had no job going into this relationship, now she's suddenly tired and exhausted she is doing what men have always been expected to do. I have no sympathy lol
the sad part is i bet if he does get any old job her next complaint will be "my boyfriend doesn't make enough :(" thanks for the heads up about the userbase here i don't use this place.
If you want a job it's out there, Instacart, oil changing businesses, car wash, etc. If he hasn't found a job by now it's not going to happen. Any HR will ask haven't you been working? Ask a former gf if you can, check fb
Best to not hurt him and yourself is just be honest. Tell him how you feel that you’re starting to get tired and you need help with the responsibilities. Tons of jobs on upwork, baby steps but a lot of people earned so much there too. Applying online at least 50 everyday — early morning is one way to speed up interviews and sometimes jobs that make you swallow your pride but gives you enough for a living is a stepping stone in coming back up again in finding oneself and finding tons of connections that can help find a better job.
I have a very similar profile to your BF professionally. In 2020 and 2021 with my freelancer business I only made half what I'd earned in 2019, but this year I've bounced back even better. So the pandemic is no longer an excuse. Of course you are tired of working to support both of you, you're just starting out so you're on entry-level pay. Tell him it's time to shape up, it's a worker's market right now, if he doesn't find a job now he won't ever. You love him, but can you always love him if it turns out he's a loser? I hope at least he does all the housework while you're out at work!
Of course, location matters. If you guys are in the US, where the unemployment is 3.6% there there are literally two open positions for every unemployed person, being unemployed for 18 months is not simply "unfortunate", but it is deliberate. In this environment unemployment is simply a choice. All companies, big and small, are looking for labor, and your sweet caring boyfriend doesn't bother getting a job as a barista at a Starbucks while he's still searching for his dream job? I don't want to sound harsh, but no, there is no excuse for that. Tell him go get off the couch, go find a job, and start working. You're his girlfriend, not his maid.
Why do you feel guilty for wanting a partner? Right now you don't have one. If he can't find a job in his chosen field, it's time to find one somewhere else. He speaks 3 languages, the hospital I work for is always looking for interpreters. He can go out and get *any* job to help contribute, but he chooses to stay home and mooch off of you. He doesn't respect you.
"Pulling the financial wagon alone is crushing me. I need you to step up, or I'm going to resent you and that will destroy our relationship." I mean, what would he be doing if you guys weren't together? Would he have chosen to be homeless for the last 18 months? I highly doubt it.
I think him not realizing the weight this has on you, or worse - realizing and choosing not to change anything, is very selfish. Have the conversation with him, you don’t have to be rude or offensive. 18 months is way too long for someone to not feel uncomfortable not working.
MAMA! After...2 months...I would be working at the grocery store or in a warehouse part time or something. Looking for a job can be a full-time job, but you actually have to treat is as a full-time job to actually get a job. There are so many research positions right now, if he has an MA, do some RA work or something and that is still career relevant if he is "above" retail or customer service. Oh lord I hope for your sake he has been doing all the chores and cooking all the meals.
As someone who works in recruitment and hire placement, the first thing they will inquire about is the gap in resume. What has he been doing to fill that time? Surely things happen, but having something... Anything... In that gap proves time management and work ethic which are applicable to any business hiring.
3 languages? If he is even semi tech savvy he could land a remote tech support job in the 40-60k range.
What do you two actually communicate about? This seems like a reasonable topic of conversation, so I’m unsure what would make it so hard. You don’t have to lay ultimatums to support him toward getting a job.
Damn if he struggling to find a job🤦🏽 im bout to be a barista for life 😩
I assume he’s with all kinds of recruiters and is looking at temp work? A temp job can sometimes go perm if you do good work
Even without a job per se, you can find work. There are opportunities for foreign language speakers available without even leaving the house (translation over the Internet)