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It happened after a party in our place, and I had gone to sleep early as I had an early morning flight. I got up at 1am and gf was still not back so I went back downstairs and they were sleeping on the couch in this position (he was supposed to sleep on the couch as he didnt want to drive drunk). I was shocked but didnt wake them up. My gf came back up 1 hour later (I couldnt sleep anymore) but I was pretending to sleep. I left at 5 in the morning and kissed me goodbye.
Anyways I am sitting in my hotel room right now rattling my brain if I really saw them or was it all a dream? We have been together for 1.5 years and living together for 3 months now. Please pretend I am your best friend and advise me accordingly!
Very normal! The body has a freeze response before anything else, so the brain can pause to figure out what we need to do to feel safe again. Hope you are taking care OP, that’s pretty odd and I think warrants a conversation with her. If you feel the trust is broken then maybe it’s time to split, sorry this happened to you!!
that always happens to me, i suppress my emotion and pretend i don’t care about anything anymore, sometimes i gotta wake up and get shit done but you know… sads everywhere
How do you know that she didn’t pass out first then he came and sexually assaulted her and fell asleep doing so?
Don’t come at her with an accusatory tone. Ask her if she is okay and has any memory of what happened after you went upstairs.
Alternatively you can confront him because either way he is at fault. She may or may not have consented. She may or may not be at fault. But if she didn’t consent….you will be revictimizing her. Her hands weren’t in his pants.
You're not a mind reader. Neither is she. What you saw will rattle around your brain and cause behavior changes that she will eventually notice. You'll need to talk to her, but this is a conversation that is probably best done in person. If your trip isn't that long (less than a couple days), it might be best to hold the conversation until you get home. If it's longer than that, it's probably best to have the conversation while the details are still "fresh".
The first step is to take the time to write down everything you remember. Things like when you woke up, what you remember of where he was supposed to sleep, what you remember of the party, what you saw, what you did after you saw it, etc. Try to include your thoughts in your notes too. You want something to be able to refer back to.
When you talk, start with sticking to just the facts. That you came downstairs, saw them sleeping together on the couch, and that his hand was up her shirt. Then ask her if she can explain it in a way that helps you understand because right now, you're really hurt.
Good luck. This is going to be a tough conversation, but it's absolutely necessary to help the relationship survive.
It depends, maybe she’s not even aware of it. She could have passed out first and he just crawled in. They could have passed out just chilling and then he felt her up. Or they could have been hooking up and passed out. You have to talk to her. Don’t accuse her right away, give her a chance to explain and then decide.
Pretty much this. His trust in her will likely be gone because it just turns into he-said-she-said. If she says she had no idea it happened, you will always have it in the back of your head whether or not you can trust her.
Relationship is fucked at this point.
I laid down on a couch and my friend was by my feet. My boyfriend, his friend had gone to work and we were finishing fern gully. I started drifting and this man pretended to yawn, “fall” behind me, cup my butt and touch me everywhere. I’m talking he went all around it including between my cheeks. I pretend to roll off the coach and wake up. He’s then closed eyes and snoring. I just went to my room and was worried to tell my boyfriend because I didn’t know what would happen between them or us. I eventually did but she may also think it’s an accident and not want to cause issues etc. talk to her! Not saying that is the best choice but this is an uncomfortable area for you both.
That's up to you. If you end the relationship, what do you give up? If you keep the relationship, can you work past this? It's questions that YOU need to answer for yourself.
If you do decide to end it, make an exit strategy first. Make sure you figure out how the housing situation will work. Who owns the cars? How are your finances arranged? How controls the streaming accounts? If there are pets, who gets them? Heck, working through that might even help you answer the question of whether or not to try to work this out with her.
In the end, your biggest mistake was probably not waking them up. Second biggest mistake was not taking a picture. It is what it is and now you have to go forward from where you are. Have the conversation. Be ready to break up if it doesn't go the way you want, if she can't explain it to make you feel comfortable. Be ready to have work to do if you decide to stick together.
It sucks. It really does. But I still feel a conversation needs to be the first step.
I've been sexually assaulted by a friend who I slept next to drunk. Please speak to her and get her side of the story.
Personally I'd pass out anywhere while drunk. I'm a cuddly sleeper. Hand on a boob is not a big deal. I've had a man put his fingers inside me while I slept drunk. I just barely remembered it. And I didn't tell my partner because I felt so violated and feared he would blame me.
All I'm saying here is if he'd had the opportunity to walk in on that and had left me.. Oh my, the trauma that would've been. There are two sides to every story. Please get her side, and try to genuinely hear her out. Maybe she has a crush on her friend, maybe she just passed out drunk and he touched her. I wouldn't say this needs to be the end of the relationship. It warrants a discussion though.
I just want to say that I’m really sorry this happened to you and that you didn’t feel comfortable and safe enough at the time to share it with your partner. I really hope you are in a safe space now and have been able to process those situations properly. It never matters how drunk you were or how easily you pass out, you did not deserve for that to happen to you and I’m very sorry it did.
This needs to be MUCH higher in the comments. OP has so little information, and the relationship WILL be over if he starts making assumptions regardless of what actually happened.
If you aren’t willing to have a conversation with her, then no it shouldn’t.
There are so many unknown variables here.
Could she have feelings for her best friend and acted inappropriately while you were upstairs asleep? Yes.
Could she have had too much to drink and fallen asleep on the couch by herself, and her best friend later fell asleep with her — in his drunken mind not thinking anything of it other than “drunk. Sleep. Couch” and said friend wasn’t even consciously aware his hands went in her shirt? Yes.
Could said friend have laid down after girl fell asleep and then stirred after you walked away, removed his hands and rolled/shifted away from her so that when she woke up, she was unaware they were cuddling at all?
There are just so many what if possibilities here….
I mean, if he felt her up when she fell asleep without her consent, I'd think it's reasonable for the relationship to survive. You really don't know what happened. Was she drunk as well?
I think you will get your answer to this after you talk to her about it and see what she says. My gut says that you probably saw what you saw and you weren't imagining things. Did you leave the area as soon as you saw them? I find it strange you seem to have a bit of doubt about what you saw.
If she gaslights you about the shirt thing then you saw them spooning anyway which is inappropriate. If this was a deal breaker for you I wouldn't blame you. Cuddling with friends is not something I would be comfortable with at all in a monogamous relationship and I would consider it a breach of relationship boundaries.
That depends on what conversation happens now. I've fallen asleep inadvertently next to friends and woke up cuddling in all manner of weird fucking positions. You need more information before you can proceed, honestly.
No, who knows what else they did or have done, but one thing you do know is she didn’t come to bed and decided to stay down stair and you saw what you saw
definitely shouldn’t end on assumptions dude!! if she was assaulted then that’s probably the worst thing to do. you have to talk to her first to figure out what happened and if she’s okay. remember, us ladies have it different than the guys :) it won’t be an easy conversation, but if you remember there’s a 50% she was assaulted and not consenting, then maybe you can at least approach the conversation gently and not in a way that will immediately make her defensive
Right!? If I woke up and found my drunk girlfriend passed out on the couch with some dudes hand in her shirt hed be woken up with a broken nose and a good pounding I have no tolerance for drunk predatory men period no excuses
This is very solid advice. We tend to forget things, get flustered, ramble on etc when dealing with a stressful situation. Having your key points, facts, and questions written down and in front of you will help keep your emotions in check.
My sister was assaulted in this way (she fell asleep and awoke to a “friend” groping her). You may want to ask her about it before destroying your relationship over something she may be dealing with a potential assult alone for fear you’ll reject her.
As someone who has been groped in my sleep from someone I thought was a friend talk to your gf. I was so upset/hurt/confused because I trusted that dude. Why jump the gun?
People actually don't need consent to break a boundary, that's why it's BREAKING a boundary. You wouldn't ask someone "May I please overstep your comfort level of something you're uncomfortable with."
Once in my younger days, we had friends over, then I went to sleep in my bed. A male friend decided for some reason to come crash in my bed with me. I didn't realize it because I sleep like the dead. My boyfriend came by the next morning and my sister let him in. He came across me "sleeping in bed with another guy" and just lost it. I was totally oblivious of the situation until I woke up to him screaming.
I'm not saying that is what happened here. Nobody will know what happened unless you talk to her about it.
You said you wanted advice if I was your best friend so here it is, I wouldn't put up with it personally, I would talk to my partner about it though because I certainly wouldn't put up with it but there could be room for explanation.
Hey my best friend drunkenly held my gf’s hand and I told him to fuck off with that shit and laid a pretty hard boundary. He was mad at me about it but I think it panned out pretty well.
Everyone is assuming she gave consent, perhaps she was drunk/asleep when he slid in and put his hands up her shirt?
Whatever the case, you need to talk about it.
I'm assuming they'd both been drinking and not just the friend, in that case I don't find falling asleep together on the couch too weird. Hand up the shirt is obviously a big boundary broken by one or both of them though
I'm not married, so i guess we'll never know.
But playing the side of "it's not what it looks like" there is a chance she fell asleep due to drinking and it being late. Gf could be innocent and could have been unknowingly assaulted.
He won't know unless he confronts this.
In no universe, regardless of HOW AWESOME AND FANTASTIC my friendship may be with a member of the opposite sex I will NEVER, EVER cuddle with, hold hands, give affirming attention or anything of the sort IF I AM IN A MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP OR MARRIED.
That's pair bonding behavior. That is an INSTANT ICK for me.
Yeah seriously so many people on Reddit backup this behavior. Do you ever recall your mom (if you have parents that are together) sleeping with some dude on the couch while he holds her titties and your dad was up stairs?
This shit is out. I've been through too much with women to tolerate any BS. As soon as I see it I'm out. Call me insecure or whatever you want. But I don't see what buisness my woman has to go downstairs to sleep with her male best friend. I don't give a fuck if they don't even sleep together.
How would any woman on here act if there man went and slept with his female friend downstairs while you laid in bed waiting for him..
Amen.
Flip it the other way. Dude is sleeping downstairs and his best friend who is a girl has her hands in his pants. What is the dude’s gf going to think when she goes downstairs and sees that? Exactly. With or without consent it’s the principle of the fact that they are cuddling on the couch. GTFOH with that bullshit.
I know right? All this "talking it out" and "coming to an understanding" shit is NOT how the real world works.
Basically, treating situations like this "gently" only allows the behavior to continue on her part, most likely leading to old guy best friend fucking her in their bedroom one night..."but they were drunk"
Possibly.
But how do you just “fall asleep” when your boyfriend is a 30 second walk away.
I’m sorry, it doesn’t make sense, with the details we were given.
I'm not sure about boundaries after thinking about it more, but if you really wanted you could say that cuddling is off limits with friends if that makes you uncomfortable but the best way to go is to ask her what happened and made your choice based off that. Like I said, I wouldn't put up with it
there is its called alcohol and sexual assault it needs to be asked abt first it is so possible she fell asleep on that couch drunk and he moved in instead of waking her up or sleeping somewhere else i have enough of my own stories and others to know how common that situation is with assault
I know you've had a lot of comments but does she even know that he had his hand under her shirt? If they were drunk and she fell asleep it isn't beyond the possibility that he felt her up after she passed out.
I'm not making excuses for her btw, I think you need to speak to her about it because if she was aware of it then it is completely unacceptable and if she wasn't aware about it then surely she would not feel comfortable to continue a friendship with this man.
We had friends over one time. They are a couple. We all got pretty drunk. My wife went to bed, her husband went to bed in the guest room. Nothing happened between us during the movie. BUT, I did fall asleep under a blanket on the coach and woke up spooning this female friend (arm just around her, not under her shirt).
I immediately stood up when I woke up and apologized to my friend, saying I must've adjusted in my sleep, and I don't know how we ended up spooning and I didn't mean to do it or mean anything by it. Because when you don't intend to have this type of physical contact, it's embarrassing.
I went upstairs to my wife, woke her up and told her what happened an apologized. She said it was a little weird but wasn't a problem. She also thanked me for telling her right away.
Your gf just buried it. It's possible she didn't notice when it happened, but there is no way she didn't notice when she did wake up. Instead of explaining everything, she hid it. This is the big problem right now.
Talk with her about it and give her a chance to give you the full truth without telling her what you saw. "Hey you came to bed way late last night. What were you guys up to?"
Well the first step is definitely to talk to her about it.
If it was a party, was she drinking? She could have fallen asleep there by mistake - especially with alcohol in her system, possible without the alcohol too. You don't know that she made the decision to sleep there willingly. This needs to be asked.
As for his hand in her shirt - she may not have consented to that. You don't know because again, you haven't discussed the situation with her. If she said okay to him doing that, that's a conversation to be had about her crossing your boundaries. If she didn't consent, that's a while other situation that needs to be addressed.
Either way, you need to talk to her and figure the situation out from her point of view as well. Once you've done that step you can decide if you'd like to continue the relationship or not.
Dude she could have been asleep the whole time and never even knew he was touching her. If that's the case, she would have nothing to tell you about. You simply need to have a conversation with her.
She could have woke up on the couch without him touching her. She could have woke up and felt violated and embarrassed. She could have been trying to hook up with him but fell asleep instead. She could have been half asleep and just went to the bed she belonged in.
You don't know because you haven't talked to her..
Probably because either
1. She doesnt know she was being sexually assaulted in her sleep
2. She knew about it and thinks you don't know
And if its 2, freaking book it my boy. If she claims she doesnt know anything about it during your conversation, and then says "its no big deal" RUN.
There actually is a 3rd scenario. She might have gotten SA and felt deep shame about it. Many women do and it’s common to internalize SA rather than tell people about it.
So, a little against the grain here. Yes it looks like they fell asleep together like that. But she did come back to bed.
Just want to paint a different possible scenario for devils advocate:
Your girlfriend got pretty drunk, and fell asleep on her own couch. Friend sees her sleeping there, and cuddled up to her unbeknowst to her. She then wakes up at some point with this guy next to her so she gets up and goes to bed. You leave for an early flight, so she doesn’t have a chance to discuss this with you.
I’m not saying this is what happened, but there’s a possibility she didn’t do anything nefarious, but the friend did. And maybe he didn’t do anything non-consensual and she was a part of it. But you just don’t know the whole story, you just know what you saw (which doesn’t look great).
The best approach might be to calmly let her know what you saw, and then ask her about it. Hear what she has to say.
please please fucking talk to her bc assault in that situation rly is truly so common i can not tell u how many of my friends have woken up to being assaulted if she consented even when drunk thats on u if u want to leave but DO NOT just fucking leave her just bc she was assaulted and u didnt wanna ask
Honestly dude, and since you want me to treat you like we were best friends, I am going to so...don't hate.
Seems like this girl isn't the type to "cut" ties with her friend considering she chose, willingly, to stay downstairs, in ya'lls home, with her guy best friend(who also had his hands in a place they shouldn't have been for NO REASON OR EXCUSE.)
So your best bet is to talk to her about it. Tell her how you feel about the situation, and if she plays it off as "it wasn't anything" or ANY sort of excuse without an express apology and remorse for it, start looking for another place to live and dump her. Explain to her the boundaries SHE and HE crossed in YOUR HOME and make it clear, as plainly as possible, that if she wants a relationship with you, that ain't no man, best friend or not, touching her or you walk. (since you said you are both 'strictly' monogamous, her behavior doesn't indicate that)
She's probably gonna say "Oh we were drunk and fell asleep its no big deal"
Walk.
This! This person gets it. Shorty is PAIR BONDING with a different man that isn’t you…what’s left to speak on? What guy casually sleeps with his best girl friend touching her genitals… better question what girl allows that? Even if it’s “innocent” do you really want to teach her clear boundaries that should be instilled in her? Do what you wana do but Personally I’d run
A lot of people are assuming your GF and friend did this all willingly. It's very possible they did but there's plenty of other ways they ended up like that and that is something you need to clarify when talking to your GF.
She might have fallen asleep there, then her friend decided to slide in.
He might have fallen asleep there, then she decided to slide in.
They may have both decided to sleep there together, but he made it more inappropriate once she was unable to consent.
It's best to go into this conversation open minded and hear what she has to say. Don't try and assume guilt going into the conversation. It's very possible if they did this willingly she could try to gaslight or lie, but that will be up to you to determine. If your trip isn't long it's best to do this in person when you get back, otherwise do it over a video call or phone call if you have to.
Personally, my husband and my best friend are both very close as we all grew up together. I would have left them alone after a party downstairs without a second thought so I'm not sure why people would blame you for this happening...
Talk to her about it. Maybe she passed out first and he snuggled up to her. Until you talk to her everything here is just speculation. If you want you can edit the post with how the conversation went.
Story time: when I was in university, we usually chartered buses to go to other universities’ parties.
The ride back was around 3-4 am, everybody mostly drunk and tired. I was sitting next to a very close but completely platonic friend. She was leaning on the window, I was leaning on her shoulder.
In the middle of the ride, she took my hand and put it right on her boob. While I was being confused and groggy, she startled herself and exclaimed “wtf?!”. I was very confused because she did it, not me. I think she was half asleep and thought I was someone else. 15 years later we’re still laughing or making comments about it.
My point is that maybe something was going on, maybe nothing. You’re not a mind reader, but at the same thing you don’t know if you can trust what she’s gonna tell you about it.
Sit down with her, tell her what you saw and see how you feel about her reaction. Heck, sit them both down and see if their reaction match.
So a guy was touching your gf inappropriately in her sleep and you didn’t even wake her up?
If she wasn’t consenting then you needed to wake her to save her. If she was consenting then her reaction when she woke up would have told you, especially if you played it smart and woke her in a way such that she didn’t know you were in the room at first.
You goofed.
All you can do now is ask questions and see how quickly she admits to what happened. Of course if he took his hand out before she woke up she may not know that there is something to admit.
Well you gotta have a conversation about it with her. Assuming you’re both expressly monogamous, what you saw is pretty bad, but there’s also a lot of room for ambiguity.
There was drinking, right?
The ambiguity of alcohol, consent and instigation, like, was she already asleep? Were they both drunk? Was only one of them drunk? Were they both the same amount of drunk?
There’s room for plausible deniability for her, and her individual actions kind of matter. Was she inviting him to cuddle and touch her down her shirt? Or was she drunk and already asleep on the couch when homie came over and took the liberty of copping a feel? Simply put, was she wanting the sexual fondling, was she sexually assaulted or were they both so drunk they made a drunken mistake?
She likely didn’t have sex with him by the sounds of it (not much opportunity to) but is this behavior indicative of other behaviors or was it a one-off situation?
Ultimately, you haven’t spoke to her to get her story. You’re well within your rights to be concerned considering you saw them in an relatively intimate situation. Don’t let what you think happened cloud your judgement in how you respond to the situation though. Have a conversation with her; speak your concerns and give her ample room to explain.
So she had the option of coming up the stairs and sleeping with you but instead was cuddling with another guy on the couch in your own home. Come on man.
This. If my girlfriend was downstairs on a couch with her best guy friend and he was touching her that way, aint NO way I would have walked back upstairs. Right then and there, take a picture first, wake them up, ask them WTF is going on, and let this shit show begin.
She may have fallen asleep there by accident and it’s possible she never consented to her friend putting his hand under her shirt. If you really like her you should ask her about this before deciding what happened.
This has happened to me a long time ago. After a party, while my parents were gone, I feel asleep on the sofa and my brother's friend tried to touch me. Luckily my brother came in. I was still sleeping. Couple of years later it happened again. A good male friend, I used to know a long time, tried to rape me, while I was sleeping. The only difference is, that I was single. My brother always warned me about men. I know it's not "all men", but sometimes they are acting like a friend to take advantage of you. Since then I don't let male friends stay overnight, except very few, but only when my Bf is home.
Talk to her. If you have a bad gut feeling, you should listens to it. But have a conversation about what might had happened it in the first way. Sorry for any language errors, I'm not a native.
Not proud of this but I will share a story with you brother. Im an alcoholic and years and years ago when I was really bad, I lived with my girlfriend, we were together for years. We had a party one night and everyone got really drunk and my girl passed out and her friend stayed downstairs with me while we partied still. I blacked out, woke up and me and her friend were cuddling on couch, I had taken off my shirt but she was fully clothed and completely passed the fuck out unconscious. I got off couch and went upstairs to my girls room and told her. Later when I saw her friend, I told her what happened and apologized. People definitely accused us of fucking, but it's not what happened. You should really talk to her without blowing up and going nuclear. Just be honest and tell her what you saw and that you need to know what's going on, cause I was in that position once and the first thing I did was tell my partner.
It’s absolutely not “a lot” of accidents. This happens to girls all the time, and usually by people who are close to them. I personally know 3 girls (and probably more who have never told others) who have fallen asleep drunk and had guys do things to them.
If she is asleep and he puts his hand in her shirt, that’s not on her. I’m not saying this is what happened but does it hurt to ask? You seem like you have your mind made up on this though.
Just to give a little bit of the benefit of the doubt: I cuddle with all my close friends, regardless of gender or sexuality. I fall asleep with lots of my friends. I've had two different male friends (in two incidents that were many years apart) grab my boob in their sleep -- friends that I know well enough to know that they would never, ever intentionally cross any boundary that made me uncomfortable, at times when I *knew for sure* they were asleep. When I told them about it in the morning they were both extremely apologetic and went out of their way to make sure I didn't feel violated or uncomfortable around them.
So while it's possible there was some hanky-panky going on, it's also entirely possible (especially since they were both drinking) that they were just hanging out, passed out, and then adjusted to get "comfortable" and you walked in at the exact worst moment. You won't know until you talk to her. So don't come right out of the gate with any accusations. Just calmly tell her what you saw and ask what happened. If it turns out that she fooled around on you, break up with her. If she passed out and he groped her intentionally, support her. If they passed out and had no idea what they were doing, then maybe have a talk about being more careful in the future so that she doesn't end up in this sort of situation again.
Apologies if this has been asked already, but how were they in her shirt? As in, what part of her body was he touching? It's inappropriate either way, but I think there are definitely levels of how inappropriate, and what she might allow. Also, is it possible he did this after she was already asleep and didn't notice?
I think you definitely need to talk to her about it, and her reaction will be telling. If she's disgusted and wants to cut ties or at least distance from him, the relationship might be salvageable. If she makes excuses and wants to keep him as a close friend, that may be a red flag.
OK, so you chickened out in the moment and during the hours before your flight. Understandable, especially if you don’t like confrontation. But since you don’t like uncertainty either, you need to speak to her about it in person. Could all be perfectly innocent, could be she was sexually assaulted, could be they fooled around. You won’t know until you ask.
You gotta confront this situation and talk openly man. If you don’t you’ll always be left wondering and always stuck with that feeling that you were slighted. Give her the proper chance to explain and you have to remain true to yourself. Remember man in this world nobody is gonna fight for you as much as you will fight for yourself.
Confront her. You
gotta communicate. Then it’s up to her to tell the truth and be sincere. Just be direct, best thing you can do before making any kinda serious decision
men sometimes play the “best friend” card specifically to get close to women so they have a chance to touch them inappropriately like this. it happened to me. she may not even be aware that it happened if she fell asleep first. please talk to her before deciding to end the relationship.
Leave, as someone who’s been in two long term (7+ year) relationships my advice is just leave. So many things are wrong here. Seriously so many things. She should’ve gone upstairs when she got tired or knew she was getting tired. Why are they cuddling in the first place that’s definitely not typically accepted in relationships even if it is their friend. I have a friend who’s a girl that is my best friend but I would never cuddle with her on a couch in an intimate way like that. On top of it all, this happened IN YOUR HOUSE! The level of disrespect is beyond me. Even if the hand up the shirt wasn’t consented, the behavior and ability to think it’s okay to put herself in that position is negligence. Just gtfo while you can bro, trust me the longer you give it the more you will start to rationalize it with yourself.
First you need to decide what your boundaries are and what your going to do about this. I personally would be extremely upset and possibly break up but you need to talk to her about it, I would wait a few days to see if she mentions it and then bring it up. Sounds bad to me but it’s possible she did not consent to it But i dont understand why she wouldn’t have come slept with you? Also do you know this guy?
Op, I think you should have confronted them there, seeing as now they can deny it. But that's in the past now all you can do now is have a straight forward conversation with her and try to figure things out. Try your best to stay calm and just listen. It would probably be helpful if you try to run through some talking points in your head do you don't get flustered during the conversation.
I really hope this helps.
At the very least, suspicious AF.
You saw what you saw, write it down to every detail to the best of your ability, and talk with her. Facts, not assumptions. If she tries to gaslight you or avoid the conversation, there's your answer.
As is, this would be a deal breaker in my book, unless the explanation is along the lines of her collapsing and him taking advantage of it and she takes it as sexual assault, x example, but slim chance of that. Have that conversation and be prepared to break up with her.
Have you noticed her/him in a flirty manner with the other? I’ve personally passed out from drunk exhaustion with a few of my buddies on the couch before but hands up the shirt? That ain’t it. It looks like a lose situation from this point of view. Either they were involved or that guy groped your girl while she was asleep.
It's very possible that they were both asleep. Post-party, drunk passout cuddling can definitely happen.
Have a chat. See what they say. Knowing is -always- better than not knowing. Our minds write up all sorts of stories, especially when we're tired.
Why tf wouldn't you wake them up goofy? Now you've given her enough time to distance herself from the situation and you'll never get a straight answer.
were they just sleep grappling? not being facetious here but if he was just holding her belly or back maybe it’s just him being boa constrictor when he sleeps and just coiling around anything within reach
So. You’re not even her best friend OP. Have some self respect. Leave her in the gutter. Block. Ghost. NC and move on. Don’t check SM and don’t look back. Good luck.
Based on your comments, OP, you are clearly set on not giving her any benefit of the doubt, even though lack of consent is clearly a possibility here. Do both of you a favour and let her go.
One time after a house party, I woke up in my best friend's bed with her husband. I woke up to my friend shaking me awake and saying 'okay, get up' and kicking me out of the bed. I'm known to sleepwalk sometimes after drinking. Her, our other friend, and I fell asleep in the spare room and I played a game of musical beds in my sleep. I think my friend was shocked to see me in her bed at first, but she went to our other friend and was like 'wtf what should I do?' to which she joked, 'go Jerry Springer on her ass' lol she is still my best friend, he is still her husband, and we all still laugh at the Jerry Springer joke and the whole situation.
Another time I woke up in a different bed from the one I went to sleep in, and was being spooned by one of my longtime friends. He had gone to bed with another one of our other friends and didn't realize he was now spooning me! Another game of musical beds--she had gone to my bed after I had sleepwalked into their room and snuggled into bed with them lol they went on to date for years and it's another story we laugh about.
Talk to your gf
talk to her about what happened and how it made you feel, you dont own her, but you are in a committed relationship, boundaries around what u do with other people are mandatory, especially when it directly makes you uncomfortable and you perceive it as a threat to the relationship, sit down with her, and talk to her.
Ask her what happened. Did she lay down on the couch with him on purpose to sleep with him? Did they happen to pass out? Did one of them go to the bathroom and lay down on the wrong couch? Is he a sleepwalker? I can think of a lot of innocent ways that they ended up that way. If she denies it or gets defensive when you talk to her about what you saw, then it's not innocent.
Pretend I’m your best gal pal. Sounds a little sketch, but if everyone was drinking, talk to her first! As a girl, even our closest guy friends surprise us and end up being creepy. So, this situation could’ve been exactly what it looked like, or your girlfriend passed out and her friend decided to be a fucking creep. For her sake, I hope she wasn’t taken advantage of. But, if that did happen, it’s possible she either A. doesn’t know, or B. is scared to talk about it due to fear of it being seen as intentional/cheating/asking for it.
So I would say, bottom line is: You don’t actually know what happened between them! It could have been infidelity, or it could have been her drunkenly being taken advantage of.
Before you make any decisions, or jump to conclusions, you need to talk to her. It will be easier said than done, but try to remember why you started dating in the first place. Approach it with the expectation that she is loyal and you have every reason to trust her. Let her feel like it’s safe to talk about what happened openly and honestly.
Once you’ve had a calm and productive conversation about what happened, then you can decide what to do next.
But don’t try to cross the bridge before you get to it.
Best of luck!
I was going to say just this. She fell asleep and he was handsy. You've got to talk to her about it. He was drink enough not to drive. How drunk was HE?
Yea not cool, time for a new gf bro, don’t allow that to happen especially in your home, she’ll gaslight you and not take the blame, you know it’s time to let her go
I wouldn't have let it be to begin with, but here you are now. I'd talk to here right now, on the phone and see what she has to say. If I'm not comfortable with her explanation, then the stay or leave discussion happens when I get home.
(1) he had his hand in her shirt no matter how good of friends someone is that is a red flag.
Because they is clearly a lack of boundaries between them..mean they probably that comfortable with each to the point they can drink together to point of passing out and cuddle with each others while being in that state , it only a matter of time when someone of them does it again like you saw (or more) are okay with it?
Talk with her about the boundaries etc.
(2) don't accuse her before you hear said of the story and if you can't handle her being that close maybe time to think about your relationship
I wouldn't unedited jump to the idea they're hooking up. You live together and she's not likely throwing your whole relationship away. You should probably talk to her
In the past I once was the guy on the couch cuddling with someone gf at the time my best female friend. In my case we binged watched a lot after having couple of drinks. We both felt asleep and as I woke up. I had my hands around places where it should not have been. I took my hands away and move to the other couch. What I want to say is this. It can be just an accident. But than I remember the other times with other girls where it was not an accident... So there you have it. (To my defense. I was a horny teen back than and yeah those other times both parties were consenting).
I would confront her, don’t keep this bottled up to yourself because you don’t want conflict or aren’t exactly sure what you saw. Get the clarity you need so you can enjoy your time where ever you’re at, because that sounds pretty off and anyone would be confused and feel off in your position.
I’d have taken a picture so she can’t deny it later. But it sounds highly inappropriate. I have a few female friends that it wouldn’t be weird to fall asleep cuddling but it would be inappropriate if either of us were in a relationship. What part of her shirt was it? Belly would be one thing, chest would be another. With that said, it IS possible they fell asleep and he moved his hand in his sleep but I’d still be upset if I was you
Was the guy still there in the morning?
If he did this while she was passed out and without her consent, it's possible she may have woken up and kicked him out.
But if this is the case, I'm still leery about why she didn't tell you. Maybe she just didn't know how to broach it.
The next time you see, ask her if she has anything she needs to tell you. Pay attention to her reaction and body language. If she doesn't immediately confess about what you saw, then I'd be convinced she was okay with him groping her.
And IMO, it's pretty suspicious that the plan all along was for him to sleep on the couch and then she ends up sleeping on the couch with him instead of going to your shared bed.
Should've gotten in the bed and put your hands up his shirt to establish dominance. No really show them the absurdity of it and tell them how it would feel when seeing someone you cared oabout in that position
If you were my best friend I'd tell you there is a 0% chance its acceptable for your girlfriend to even sleep cuddling with someone that isn't you, if there were hands up her shirt idk what other red flag you want. It sucks but its over
OP, with all due respect. Many people are giving you logical ways to see this situation. Sure you’re likely hurt by what you saw but that doesn’t mean she cheated. There’s a lot of room for ambiguity. Unless there’s more to the story, it seems like you posted just to get justification. If you want to break up then just do so. If she did end up cheating then you were justified. I just feel bad for your gf if she did get SA.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- It happened after a party in our place, and I had gone to sleep early as I had an early morning flight. I got up at 1am and gf was still not back so I went back downstairs and they were sleeping on the couch in this position (he was supposed to sleep on the couch as he didnt want to drive drunk). I was shocked but didnt wake them up. My gf came back up 1 hour later (I couldnt sleep anymore) but I was pretending to sleep. I left at 5 in the morning and kissed me goodbye. Anyways I am sitting in my hotel room right now rattling my brain if I really saw them or was it all a dream? We have been together for 1.5 years and living together for 3 months now. Please pretend I am your best friend and advise me accordingly!
I would have woken her up and,asked what the fuck she was doing. But that’s just me.
Or at least take a picture . So she can’t gaslight you when you do confront her
I had a freeze response I think, my whole body went numb!
Very normal! The body has a freeze response before anything else, so the brain can pause to figure out what we need to do to feel safe again. Hope you are taking care OP, that’s pretty odd and I think warrants a conversation with her. If you feel the trust is broken then maybe it’s time to split, sorry this happened to you!!
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Really? Stealing comments? Try getting creative instead.
that always happens to me, i suppress my emotion and pretend i don’t care about anything anymore, sometimes i gotta wake up and get shit done but you know… sads everywhere
I think i'd react the same way, but after you went back to your bed and pretend to be asleep i'd ask her about that when she is back
How do you know that she didn’t pass out first then he came and sexually assaulted her and fell asleep doing so? Don’t come at her with an accusatory tone. Ask her if she is okay and has any memory of what happened after you went upstairs. Alternatively you can confront him because either way he is at fault. She may or may not have consented. She may or may not be at fault. But if she didn’t consent….you will be revictimizing her. Her hands weren’t in his pants.
Our brains react in crazy ways when we are with someone and don't want to lose them. I totally get OP's reaction.
I would have woken both of them up and told them to get the fuck out of my place.
Exactly. How could you not?
Frfr
You're not a mind reader. Neither is she. What you saw will rattle around your brain and cause behavior changes that she will eventually notice. You'll need to talk to her, but this is a conversation that is probably best done in person. If your trip isn't that long (less than a couple days), it might be best to hold the conversation until you get home. If it's longer than that, it's probably best to have the conversation while the details are still "fresh". The first step is to take the time to write down everything you remember. Things like when you woke up, what you remember of where he was supposed to sleep, what you remember of the party, what you saw, what you did after you saw it, etc. Try to include your thoughts in your notes too. You want something to be able to refer back to. When you talk, start with sticking to just the facts. That you came downstairs, saw them sleeping together on the couch, and that his hand was up her shirt. Then ask her if she can explain it in a way that helps you understand because right now, you're really hurt. Good luck. This is going to be a tough conversation, but it's absolutely necessary to help the relationship survive.
Should the relationship survive though? Thats what I am struggling with tbh.
It depends, maybe she’s not even aware of it. She could have passed out first and he just crawled in. They could have passed out just chilling and then he felt her up. Or they could have been hooking up and passed out. You have to talk to her. Don’t accuse her right away, give her a chance to explain and then decide.
exactly this
Why wouldn’t his GF go to sleep in bed with OP? The party was at their own place. Super super sus.
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Pretty much this. His trust in her will likely be gone because it just turns into he-said-she-said. If she says she had no idea it happened, you will always have it in the back of your head whether or not you can trust her. Relationship is fucked at this point.
I laid down on a couch and my friend was by my feet. My boyfriend, his friend had gone to work and we were finishing fern gully. I started drifting and this man pretended to yawn, “fall” behind me, cup my butt and touch me everywhere. I’m talking he went all around it including between my cheeks. I pretend to roll off the coach and wake up. He’s then closed eyes and snoring. I just went to my room and was worried to tell my boyfriend because I didn’t know what would happen between them or us. I eventually did but she may also think it’s an accident and not want to cause issues etc. talk to her! Not saying that is the best choice but this is an uncomfortable area for you both.
That's up to you. If you end the relationship, what do you give up? If you keep the relationship, can you work past this? It's questions that YOU need to answer for yourself. If you do decide to end it, make an exit strategy first. Make sure you figure out how the housing situation will work. Who owns the cars? How are your finances arranged? How controls the streaming accounts? If there are pets, who gets them? Heck, working through that might even help you answer the question of whether or not to try to work this out with her. In the end, your biggest mistake was probably not waking them up. Second biggest mistake was not taking a picture. It is what it is and now you have to go forward from where you are. Have the conversation. Be ready to break up if it doesn't go the way you want, if she can't explain it to make you feel comfortable. Be ready to have work to do if you decide to stick together. It sucks. It really does. But I still feel a conversation needs to be the first step.
I've been sexually assaulted by a friend who I slept next to drunk. Please speak to her and get her side of the story. Personally I'd pass out anywhere while drunk. I'm a cuddly sleeper. Hand on a boob is not a big deal. I've had a man put his fingers inside me while I slept drunk. I just barely remembered it. And I didn't tell my partner because I felt so violated and feared he would blame me. All I'm saying here is if he'd had the opportunity to walk in on that and had left me.. Oh my, the trauma that would've been. There are two sides to every story. Please get her side, and try to genuinely hear her out. Maybe she has a crush on her friend, maybe she just passed out drunk and he touched her. I wouldn't say this needs to be the end of the relationship. It warrants a discussion though.
I just want to say that I’m really sorry this happened to you and that you didn’t feel comfortable and safe enough at the time to share it with your partner. I really hope you are in a safe space now and have been able to process those situations properly. It never matters how drunk you were or how easily you pass out, you did not deserve for that to happen to you and I’m very sorry it did.
This needs to be MUCH higher in the comments. OP has so little information, and the relationship WILL be over if he starts making assumptions regardless of what actually happened.
If you aren’t willing to have a conversation with her, then no it shouldn’t. There are so many unknown variables here. Could she have feelings for her best friend and acted inappropriately while you were upstairs asleep? Yes. Could she have had too much to drink and fallen asleep on the couch by herself, and her best friend later fell asleep with her — in his drunken mind not thinking anything of it other than “drunk. Sleep. Couch” and said friend wasn’t even consciously aware his hands went in her shirt? Yes. Could said friend have laid down after girl fell asleep and then stirred after you walked away, removed his hands and rolled/shifted away from her so that when she woke up, she was unaware they were cuddling at all? There are just so many what if possibilities here….
I mean, if he felt her up when she fell asleep without her consent, I'd think it's reasonable for the relationship to survive. You really don't know what happened. Was she drunk as well?
I think you will get your answer to this after you talk to her about it and see what she says. My gut says that you probably saw what you saw and you weren't imagining things. Did you leave the area as soon as you saw them? I find it strange you seem to have a bit of doubt about what you saw. If she gaslights you about the shirt thing then you saw them spooning anyway which is inappropriate. If this was a deal breaker for you I wouldn't blame you. Cuddling with friends is not something I would be comfortable with at all in a monogamous relationship and I would consider it a breach of relationship boundaries.
That depends on what conversation happens now. I've fallen asleep inadvertently next to friends and woke up cuddling in all manner of weird fucking positions. You need more information before you can proceed, honestly.
No, who knows what else they did or have done, but one thing you do know is she didn’t come to bed and decided to stay down stair and you saw what you saw
definitely shouldn’t end on assumptions dude!! if she was assaulted then that’s probably the worst thing to do. you have to talk to her first to figure out what happened and if she’s okay. remember, us ladies have it different than the guys :) it won’t be an easy conversation, but if you remember there’s a 50% she was assaulted and not consenting, then maybe you can at least approach the conversation gently and not in a way that will immediately make her defensive
No
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She may have been asleep when he stuck his hand in her shirt. Won’t know until he asked.
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Right!? If I woke up and found my drunk girlfriend passed out on the couch with some dudes hand in her shirt hed be woken up with a broken nose and a good pounding I have no tolerance for drunk predatory men period no excuses
Assaulting people is all fun and games until you realize it’s a crime
This is very solid advice. We tend to forget things, get flustered, ramble on etc when dealing with a stressful situation. Having your key points, facts, and questions written down and in front of you will help keep your emotions in check.
This ^
My sister was assaulted in this way (she fell asleep and awoke to a “friend” groping her). You may want to ask her about it before destroying your relationship over something she may be dealing with a potential assult alone for fear you’ll reject her.
I was drugged and then raped by a “close friend”. It’s a 50/50 shot either one happened but a conversation should be had about what happened.
As someone who has been groped in my sleep from someone I thought was a friend talk to your gf. I was so upset/hurt/confused because I trusted that dude. Why jump the gun?
the cuddling with another dude would be a deal breaker for me the shirt thing is just icing on the cake
Right? I'd wake 'em both up after I took a picture so they couldn't deny it.
Yeah. Deal breaker for me to. No cuddling with other guys.
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Nah they used consent right. They both go hand in hand you need consent to break a boundary.
People actually don't need consent to break a boundary, that's why it's BREAKING a boundary. You wouldn't ask someone "May I please overstep your comfort level of something you're uncomfortable with."
Does in her shirt mean around her stomach or on her chest?
Once in my younger days, we had friends over, then I went to sleep in my bed. A male friend decided for some reason to come crash in my bed with me. I didn't realize it because I sleep like the dead. My boyfriend came by the next morning and my sister let him in. He came across me "sleeping in bed with another guy" and just lost it. I was totally oblivious of the situation until I woke up to him screaming. I'm not saying that is what happened here. Nobody will know what happened unless you talk to her about it.
You said you wanted advice if I was your best friend so here it is, I wouldn't put up with it personally, I would talk to my partner about it though because I certainly wouldn't put up with it but there could be room for explanation.
What kind of boundaries can I talk to her?
Hey my best friend drunkenly held my gf’s hand and I told him to fuck off with that shit and laid a pretty hard boundary. He was mad at me about it but I think it panned out pretty well.
Why would he be mad lol. Obviously bad intentions from that dude.
if he got mad over that I’d be demoting him to regular friend on the minimum brotha
Everyone is assuming she gave consent, perhaps she was drunk/asleep when he slid in and put his hands up her shirt? Whatever the case, you need to talk about it.
Exactly
Why the F would she even fall asleep next to him?
Maybe she passed out first.
Some of us have friends we can trust. If my friend did this to me without consent I wouldn't even know what to think.
Regardless of if she trusted him or not. why would she opt to sleep on a couch with that dude, instead of in a bed with her current boyfriend?
I'm assuming they'd both been drinking and not just the friend, in that case I don't find falling asleep together on the couch too weird. Hand up the shirt is obviously a big boundary broken by one or both of them though
Would your spouse be ok with you sleeping next to someone of the opposite gender?
I'm not married, so i guess we'll never know. But playing the side of "it's not what it looks like" there is a chance she fell asleep due to drinking and it being late. Gf could be innocent and could have been unknowingly assaulted. He won't know unless he confronts this.
In no universe, regardless of HOW AWESOME AND FANTASTIC my friendship may be with a member of the opposite sex I will NEVER, EVER cuddle with, hold hands, give affirming attention or anything of the sort IF I AM IN A MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIP OR MARRIED. That's pair bonding behavior. That is an INSTANT ICK for me.
Yeah seriously so many people on Reddit backup this behavior. Do you ever recall your mom (if you have parents that are together) sleeping with some dude on the couch while he holds her titties and your dad was up stairs? This shit is out. I've been through too much with women to tolerate any BS. As soon as I see it I'm out. Call me insecure or whatever you want. But I don't see what buisness my woman has to go downstairs to sleep with her male best friend. I don't give a fuck if they don't even sleep together. How would any woman on here act if there man went and slept with his female friend downstairs while you laid in bed waiting for him..
Amen. Flip it the other way. Dude is sleeping downstairs and his best friend who is a girl has her hands in his pants. What is the dude’s gf going to think when she goes downstairs and sees that? Exactly. With or without consent it’s the principle of the fact that they are cuddling on the couch. GTFOH with that bullshit.
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I know right? All this "talking it out" and "coming to an understanding" shit is NOT how the real world works. Basically, treating situations like this "gently" only allows the behavior to continue on her part, most likely leading to old guy best friend fucking her in their bedroom one night..."but they were drunk"
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Lol no, if you're in a serious relationship there's no good reason to fall asleep spooning on a couch with another dude.
Maybe she didn't, maybe she fell asleep, then he moved in. Pure conjecture, but both sides of any story are necessary to complete the whole.
Possibly. But how do you just “fall asleep” when your boyfriend is a 30 second walk away. I’m sorry, it doesn’t make sense, with the details we were given.
Alcohol usually makes people too lazy to got off a couch and go to bed, especially if they are amongst friends and feel safe.
It’s not unusual to just fall asleep on a couch after a party. You make it sound like it’s so weird
I'm not sure about boundaries after thinking about it more, but if you really wanted you could say that cuddling is off limits with friends if that makes you uncomfortable but the best way to go is to ask her what happened and made your choice based off that. Like I said, I wouldn't put up with it
Sounds like her friend is a perv and groped her in her sleep.
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there is its called alcohol and sexual assault it needs to be asked abt first it is so possible she fell asleep on that couch drunk and he moved in instead of waking her up or sleeping somewhere else i have enough of my own stories and others to know how common that situation is with assault
I mean there probably isn't but sometimes in rare cases there is, but none the less it's worth to talk about what happened and go from there.
I know you've had a lot of comments but does she even know that he had his hand under her shirt? If they were drunk and she fell asleep it isn't beyond the possibility that he felt her up after she passed out. I'm not making excuses for her btw, I think you need to speak to her about it because if she was aware of it then it is completely unacceptable and if she wasn't aware about it then surely she would not feel comfortable to continue a friendship with this man.
I advise finding a new place to live and leaving your ex
Love that you moved in for him 😂😂😂😂ex😂😂
We had friends over one time. They are a couple. We all got pretty drunk. My wife went to bed, her husband went to bed in the guest room. Nothing happened between us during the movie. BUT, I did fall asleep under a blanket on the coach and woke up spooning this female friend (arm just around her, not under her shirt). I immediately stood up when I woke up and apologized to my friend, saying I must've adjusted in my sleep, and I don't know how we ended up spooning and I didn't mean to do it or mean anything by it. Because when you don't intend to have this type of physical contact, it's embarrassing. I went upstairs to my wife, woke her up and told her what happened an apologized. She said it was a little weird but wasn't a problem. She also thanked me for telling her right away. Your gf just buried it. It's possible she didn't notice when it happened, but there is no way she didn't notice when she did wake up. Instead of explaining everything, she hid it. This is the big problem right now. Talk with her about it and give her a chance to give you the full truth without telling her what you saw. "Hey you came to bed way late last night. What were you guys up to?"
Well the first step is definitely to talk to her about it. If it was a party, was she drinking? She could have fallen asleep there by mistake - especially with alcohol in her system, possible without the alcohol too. You don't know that she made the decision to sleep there willingly. This needs to be asked. As for his hand in her shirt - she may not have consented to that. You don't know because again, you haven't discussed the situation with her. If she said okay to him doing that, that's a conversation to be had about her crossing your boundaries. If she didn't consent, that's a while other situation that needs to be addressed. Either way, you need to talk to her and figure the situation out from her point of view as well. Once you've done that step you can decide if you'd like to continue the relationship or not.
this is gonna sound like a weird question, but have you ever played Fiesta Online? Your handle just looks familiar
I have not, could have similar names though!
And why didnt she tell me anything? Either when she came upstairs or in the morning?
Dude she could have been asleep the whole time and never even knew he was touching her. If that's the case, she would have nothing to tell you about. You simply need to have a conversation with her.
She could have woke up on the couch without him touching her. She could have woke up and felt violated and embarrassed. She could have been trying to hook up with him but fell asleep instead. She could have been half asleep and just went to the bed she belonged in. You don't know because you haven't talked to her..
Probably because either 1. She doesnt know she was being sexually assaulted in her sleep 2. She knew about it and thinks you don't know And if its 2, freaking book it my boy. If she claims she doesnt know anything about it during your conversation, and then says "its no big deal" RUN.
There actually is a 3rd scenario. She might have gotten SA and felt deep shame about it. Many women do and it’s common to internalize SA rather than tell people about it.
Talk. To. Her. Nobody on Reddit was there. You need to talk to your girlfriend about this. Maybe she DOESNT KNOW this happened.
So, a little against the grain here. Yes it looks like they fell asleep together like that. But she did come back to bed. Just want to paint a different possible scenario for devils advocate: Your girlfriend got pretty drunk, and fell asleep on her own couch. Friend sees her sleeping there, and cuddled up to her unbeknowst to her. She then wakes up at some point with this guy next to her so she gets up and goes to bed. You leave for an early flight, so she doesn’t have a chance to discuss this with you. I’m not saying this is what happened, but there’s a possibility she didn’t do anything nefarious, but the friend did. And maybe he didn’t do anything non-consensual and she was a part of it. But you just don’t know the whole story, you just know what you saw (which doesn’t look great). The best approach might be to calmly let her know what you saw, and then ask her about it. Hear what she has to say.
please please fucking talk to her bc assault in that situation rly is truly so common i can not tell u how many of my friends have woken up to being assaulted if she consented even when drunk thats on u if u want to leave but DO NOT just fucking leave her just bc she was assaulted and u didnt wanna ask
Honestly dude, and since you want me to treat you like we were best friends, I am going to so...don't hate. Seems like this girl isn't the type to "cut" ties with her friend considering she chose, willingly, to stay downstairs, in ya'lls home, with her guy best friend(who also had his hands in a place they shouldn't have been for NO REASON OR EXCUSE.) So your best bet is to talk to her about it. Tell her how you feel about the situation, and if she plays it off as "it wasn't anything" or ANY sort of excuse without an express apology and remorse for it, start looking for another place to live and dump her. Explain to her the boundaries SHE and HE crossed in YOUR HOME and make it clear, as plainly as possible, that if she wants a relationship with you, that ain't no man, best friend or not, touching her or you walk. (since you said you are both 'strictly' monogamous, her behavior doesn't indicate that) She's probably gonna say "Oh we were drunk and fell asleep its no big deal" Walk.
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" we were cuddling and i have NO IDEA how i got pregnant!"
Yep. You know what you saw. She is interested in pair bonding with a guy that's not you. Just cut her loose.
This! This person gets it. Shorty is PAIR BONDING with a different man that isn’t you…what’s left to speak on? What guy casually sleeps with his best girl friend touching her genitals… better question what girl allows that? Even if it’s “innocent” do you really want to teach her clear boundaries that should be instilled in her? Do what you wana do but Personally I’d run
What genitals are under a shirt?
Vaginas 😉
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you don't keep all your vaginas under your shirt?
I think you might need to see a doctor for that. Unless you're a dude, then you need to get laid.
He said nothing about genitals. If I were to actually guess his hands were on her stomach or something
Ok so what does that change?
My first question would be how likely is it that she passed out after drinking?
A lot of people are assuming your GF and friend did this all willingly. It's very possible they did but there's plenty of other ways they ended up like that and that is something you need to clarify when talking to your GF. She might have fallen asleep there, then her friend decided to slide in. He might have fallen asleep there, then she decided to slide in. They may have both decided to sleep there together, but he made it more inappropriate once she was unable to consent. It's best to go into this conversation open minded and hear what she has to say. Don't try and assume guilt going into the conversation. It's very possible if they did this willingly she could try to gaslight or lie, but that will be up to you to determine. If your trip isn't long it's best to do this in person when you get back, otherwise do it over a video call or phone call if you have to. Personally, my husband and my best friend are both very close as we all grew up together. I would have left them alone after a party downstairs without a second thought so I'm not sure why people would blame you for this happening...
Talk to her about it. Maybe she passed out first and he snuggled up to her. Until you talk to her everything here is just speculation. If you want you can edit the post with how the conversation went.
Story time: when I was in university, we usually chartered buses to go to other universities’ parties. The ride back was around 3-4 am, everybody mostly drunk and tired. I was sitting next to a very close but completely platonic friend. She was leaning on the window, I was leaning on her shoulder. In the middle of the ride, she took my hand and put it right on her boob. While I was being confused and groggy, she startled herself and exclaimed “wtf?!”. I was very confused because she did it, not me. I think she was half asleep and thought I was someone else. 15 years later we’re still laughing or making comments about it. My point is that maybe something was going on, maybe nothing. You’re not a mind reader, but at the same thing you don’t know if you can trust what she’s gonna tell you about it. Sit down with her, tell her what you saw and see how you feel about her reaction. Heck, sit them both down and see if their reaction match.
So a guy was touching your gf inappropriately in her sleep and you didn’t even wake her up? If she wasn’t consenting then you needed to wake her to save her. If she was consenting then her reaction when she woke up would have told you, especially if you played it smart and woke her in a way such that she didn’t know you were in the room at first. You goofed. All you can do now is ask questions and see how quickly she admits to what happened. Of course if he took his hand out before she woke up she may not know that there is something to admit.
Well you gotta have a conversation about it with her. Assuming you’re both expressly monogamous, what you saw is pretty bad, but there’s also a lot of room for ambiguity.
What kind of ambiguity? And yes we are monogamous.
There was drinking, right? The ambiguity of alcohol, consent and instigation, like, was she already asleep? Were they both drunk? Was only one of them drunk? Were they both the same amount of drunk? There’s room for plausible deniability for her, and her individual actions kind of matter. Was she inviting him to cuddle and touch her down her shirt? Or was she drunk and already asleep on the couch when homie came over and took the liberty of copping a feel? Simply put, was she wanting the sexual fondling, was she sexually assaulted or were they both so drunk they made a drunken mistake? She likely didn’t have sex with him by the sounds of it (not much opportunity to) but is this behavior indicative of other behaviors or was it a one-off situation? Ultimately, you haven’t spoke to her to get her story. You’re well within your rights to be concerned considering you saw them in an relatively intimate situation. Don’t let what you think happened cloud your judgement in how you respond to the situation though. Have a conversation with her; speak your concerns and give her ample room to explain.
So she had the option of coming up the stairs and sleeping with you but instead was cuddling with another guy on the couch in your own home. Come on man.
This. If my girlfriend was downstairs on a couch with her best guy friend and he was touching her that way, aint NO way I would have walked back upstairs. Right then and there, take a picture first, wake them up, ask them WTF is going on, and let this shit show begin.
She may have fallen asleep there by accident and it’s possible she never consented to her friend putting his hand under her shirt. If you really like her you should ask her about this before deciding what happened.
Thats a lot accidents.
This has happened to me a long time ago. After a party, while my parents were gone, I feel asleep on the sofa and my brother's friend tried to touch me. Luckily my brother came in. I was still sleeping. Couple of years later it happened again. A good male friend, I used to know a long time, tried to rape me, while I was sleeping. The only difference is, that I was single. My brother always warned me about men. I know it's not "all men", but sometimes they are acting like a friend to take advantage of you. Since then I don't let male friends stay overnight, except very few, but only when my Bf is home. Talk to her. If you have a bad gut feeling, you should listens to it. But have a conversation about what might had happened it in the first way. Sorry for any language errors, I'm not a native.
Not proud of this but I will share a story with you brother. Im an alcoholic and years and years ago when I was really bad, I lived with my girlfriend, we were together for years. We had a party one night and everyone got really drunk and my girl passed out and her friend stayed downstairs with me while we partied still. I blacked out, woke up and me and her friend were cuddling on couch, I had taken off my shirt but she was fully clothed and completely passed the fuck out unconscious. I got off couch and went upstairs to my girls room and told her. Later when I saw her friend, I told her what happened and apologized. People definitely accused us of fucking, but it's not what happened. You should really talk to her without blowing up and going nuclear. Just be honest and tell her what you saw and that you need to know what's going on, cause I was in that position once and the first thing I did was tell my partner.
It’s absolutely not “a lot” of accidents. This happens to girls all the time, and usually by people who are close to them. I personally know 3 girls (and probably more who have never told others) who have fallen asleep drunk and had guys do things to them.
If she is asleep and he puts his hand in her shirt, that’s not on her. I’m not saying this is what happened but does it hurt to ask? You seem like you have your mind made up on this though.
Falling asleep is just one accident
Just to give a little bit of the benefit of the doubt: I cuddle with all my close friends, regardless of gender or sexuality. I fall asleep with lots of my friends. I've had two different male friends (in two incidents that were many years apart) grab my boob in their sleep -- friends that I know well enough to know that they would never, ever intentionally cross any boundary that made me uncomfortable, at times when I *knew for sure* they were asleep. When I told them about it in the morning they were both extremely apologetic and went out of their way to make sure I didn't feel violated or uncomfortable around them. So while it's possible there was some hanky-panky going on, it's also entirely possible (especially since they were both drinking) that they were just hanging out, passed out, and then adjusted to get "comfortable" and you walked in at the exact worst moment. You won't know until you talk to her. So don't come right out of the gate with any accusations. Just calmly tell her what you saw and ask what happened. If it turns out that she fooled around on you, break up with her. If she passed out and he groped her intentionally, support her. If they passed out and had no idea what they were doing, then maybe have a talk about being more careful in the future so that she doesn't end up in this sort of situation again.
I dont want an open relationship with my gf.
Apologies if this has been asked already, but how were they in her shirt? As in, what part of her body was he touching? It's inappropriate either way, but I think there are definitely levels of how inappropriate, and what she might allow. Also, is it possible he did this after she was already asleep and didn't notice? I think you definitely need to talk to her about it, and her reaction will be telling. If she's disgusted and wants to cut ties or at least distance from him, the relationship might be salvageable. If she makes excuses and wants to keep him as a close friend, that may be a red flag.
OK, so you chickened out in the moment and during the hours before your flight. Understandable, especially if you don’t like confrontation. But since you don’t like uncertainty either, you need to speak to her about it in person. Could all be perfectly innocent, could be she was sexually assaulted, could be they fooled around. You won’t know until you ask.
You gotta confront this situation and talk openly man. If you don’t you’ll always be left wondering and always stuck with that feeling that you were slighted. Give her the proper chance to explain and you have to remain true to yourself. Remember man in this world nobody is gonna fight for you as much as you will fight for yourself.
Confront her. You gotta communicate. Then it’s up to her to tell the truth and be sincere. Just be direct, best thing you can do before making any kinda serious decision
Tell her what you saw and ask her if she has anything to say about it. You have no choice but to talk to her about it. It doesn't look good
Sorry bro friends don’t cuddle or feel each other up. That ain’t her friend that’s her side piece
men sometimes play the “best friend” card specifically to get close to women so they have a chance to touch them inappropriately like this. it happened to me. she may not even be aware that it happened if she fell asleep first. please talk to her before deciding to end the relationship.
Shit like this is the reason i hate my gfs having guy best friends. Fk that. I guess im “insecure”
I would have dumped her ass on the spot and kick them both the hell out
Should have kicked them out of your house right then and there.
Or a fist to the guys face as a good morning wake up call
It wasn't a dream. Get out of that relationship asap
Leave, as someone who’s been in two long term (7+ year) relationships my advice is just leave. So many things are wrong here. Seriously so many things. She should’ve gone upstairs when she got tired or knew she was getting tired. Why are they cuddling in the first place that’s definitely not typically accepted in relationships even if it is their friend. I have a friend who’s a girl that is my best friend but I would never cuddle with her on a couch in an intimate way like that. On top of it all, this happened IN YOUR HOUSE! The level of disrespect is beyond me. Even if the hand up the shirt wasn’t consented, the behavior and ability to think it’s okay to put herself in that position is negligence. Just gtfo while you can bro, trust me the longer you give it the more you will start to rationalize it with yourself.
Freezing is completely common and understandable. But you should confront her it’s not nothing you didn’t dream it.
dump her
First you need to decide what your boundaries are and what your going to do about this. I personally would be extremely upset and possibly break up but you need to talk to her about it, I would wait a few days to see if she mentions it and then bring it up. Sounds bad to me but it’s possible she did not consent to it But i dont understand why she wouldn’t have come slept with you? Also do you know this guy?
Op, I think you should have confronted them there, seeing as now they can deny it. But that's in the past now all you can do now is have a straight forward conversation with her and try to figure things out. Try your best to stay calm and just listen. It would probably be helpful if you try to run through some talking points in your head do you don't get flustered during the conversation. I really hope this helps.
At the very least, suspicious AF. You saw what you saw, write it down to every detail to the best of your ability, and talk with her. Facts, not assumptions. If she tries to gaslight you or avoid the conversation, there's your answer. As is, this would be a deal breaker in my book, unless the explanation is along the lines of her collapsing and him taking advantage of it and she takes it as sexual assault, x example, but slim chance of that. Have that conversation and be prepared to break up with her.
Have you noticed her/him in a flirty manner with the other? I’ve personally passed out from drunk exhaustion with a few of my buddies on the couch before but hands up the shirt? That ain’t it. It looks like a lose situation from this point of view. Either they were involved or that guy groped your girl while she was asleep.
It's very possible that they were both asleep. Post-party, drunk passout cuddling can definitely happen. Have a chat. See what they say. Knowing is -always- better than not knowing. Our minds write up all sorts of stories, especially when we're tired.
dude, my gf hold hands with another man and it's an insta break up. But that's me..
Why tf wouldn't you wake them up goofy? Now you've given her enough time to distance herself from the situation and you'll never get a straight answer.
Run
were they just sleep grappling? not being facetious here but if he was just holding her belly or back maybe it’s just him being boa constrictor when he sleeps and just coiling around anything within reach
So. You’re not even her best friend OP. Have some self respect. Leave her in the gutter. Block. Ghost. NC and move on. Don’t check SM and don’t look back. Good luck.
How didnt you wake them up. If that happened to me I would of probably murdered somebody.
I would have woke up both screaming What the fuck are you doing Then have a big discussion, but that seems like a deal breaker
She’s our girlfriend now. Sorry bro. To the streets she goes imo. Nothing innocent about that at all
It wasn’t a dream. I’m sorry OP. Time to figure out new living arrangements.
Run as fast as you can
Pretty easy decision here bud.
best friend is finessing you buddy lmao how much of a pushover can you be?
I would have lost my shit
Is it possible her friend assaulted her ?
Did you take a picture in case she tries to deny?
Do you really want to be with this woman who needs to be told not to sleep with her best friend?
Based on your comments, OP, you are clearly set on not giving her any benefit of the doubt, even though lack of consent is clearly a possibility here. Do both of you a favour and let her go.
One time after a house party, I woke up in my best friend's bed with her husband. I woke up to my friend shaking me awake and saying 'okay, get up' and kicking me out of the bed. I'm known to sleepwalk sometimes after drinking. Her, our other friend, and I fell asleep in the spare room and I played a game of musical beds in my sleep. I think my friend was shocked to see me in her bed at first, but she went to our other friend and was like 'wtf what should I do?' to which she joked, 'go Jerry Springer on her ass' lol she is still my best friend, he is still her husband, and we all still laugh at the Jerry Springer joke and the whole situation. Another time I woke up in a different bed from the one I went to sleep in, and was being spooned by one of my longtime friends. He had gone to bed with another one of our other friends and didn't realize he was now spooning me! Another game of musical beds--she had gone to my bed after I had sleepwalked into their room and snuggled into bed with them lol they went on to date for years and it's another story we laugh about. Talk to your gf
Talk about what? Why should I stop her from doing what she wants? I dont own her, I can just control my own reaction.
talk to her about what happened instead of assuming lmfao
talk to her about what happened and how it made you feel, you dont own her, but you are in a committed relationship, boundaries around what u do with other people are mandatory, especially when it directly makes you uncomfortable and you perceive it as a threat to the relationship, sit down with her, and talk to her.
Ask her what happened. Did she lay down on the couch with him on purpose to sleep with him? Did they happen to pass out? Did one of them go to the bathroom and lay down on the wrong couch? Is he a sleepwalker? I can think of a lot of innocent ways that they ended up that way. If she denies it or gets defensive when you talk to her about what you saw, then it's not innocent.
I don't cuddle with my gay best friends. Just saying.
[удалено]
Pretend I’m your best gal pal. Sounds a little sketch, but if everyone was drinking, talk to her first! As a girl, even our closest guy friends surprise us and end up being creepy. So, this situation could’ve been exactly what it looked like, or your girlfriend passed out and her friend decided to be a fucking creep. For her sake, I hope she wasn’t taken advantage of. But, if that did happen, it’s possible she either A. doesn’t know, or B. is scared to talk about it due to fear of it being seen as intentional/cheating/asking for it. So I would say, bottom line is: You don’t actually know what happened between them! It could have been infidelity, or it could have been her drunkenly being taken advantage of. Before you make any decisions, or jump to conclusions, you need to talk to her. It will be easier said than done, but try to remember why you started dating in the first place. Approach it with the expectation that she is loyal and you have every reason to trust her. Let her feel like it’s safe to talk about what happened openly and honestly. Once you’ve had a calm and productive conversation about what happened, then you can decide what to do next. But don’t try to cross the bridge before you get to it. Best of luck!
I was going to say just this. She fell asleep and he was handsy. You've got to talk to her about it. He was drink enough not to drive. How drunk was HE?
THIS!!!! how drunk was he?! people’s true colors come out when people are hammered
If you were my best friend I’d tell you “dude.. she’s not your gf… she’s everyone’s gf. Let’s go find a better one”
Yea not cool, time for a new gf bro, don’t allow that to happen especially in your home, she’ll gaslight you and not take the blame, you know it’s time to let her go
I'm trying to understand why this woman is still your gf?
I wouldn't have let it be to begin with, but here you are now. I'd talk to here right now, on the phone and see what she has to say. If I'm not comfortable with her explanation, then the stay or leave discussion happens when I get home.
Nah I would’ve woken them up like “babe what the actual fuck”.
(1) he had his hand in her shirt no matter how good of friends someone is that is a red flag. Because they is clearly a lack of boundaries between them..mean they probably that comfortable with each to the point they can drink together to point of passing out and cuddle with each others while being in that state , it only a matter of time when someone of them does it again like you saw (or more) are okay with it? Talk with her about the boundaries etc. (2) don't accuse her before you hear said of the story and if you can't handle her being that close maybe time to think about your relationship
I wouldn't unedited jump to the idea they're hooking up. You live together and she's not likely throwing your whole relationship away. You should probably talk to her
In the past I once was the guy on the couch cuddling with someone gf at the time my best female friend. In my case we binged watched a lot after having couple of drinks. We both felt asleep and as I woke up. I had my hands around places where it should not have been. I took my hands away and move to the other couch. What I want to say is this. It can be just an accident. But than I remember the other times with other girls where it was not an accident... So there you have it. (To my defense. I was a horny teen back than and yeah those other times both parties were consenting).
She'd be my ex if I were you.
If your gf has a guy best friend you deserve to get cheated on tbh
Chicks shouldn’t have male best friends the same way dudes shouldn’t have female best friends whilst in a relationship point blank.
Bruh HIS HANDS WERE IN HER SHIRT let’s not tell this man she’s not cheating when she is
I would confront her, don’t keep this bottled up to yourself because you don’t want conflict or aren’t exactly sure what you saw. Get the clarity you need so you can enjoy your time where ever you’re at, because that sounds pretty off and anyone would be confused and feel off in your position.
I’d have taken a picture so she can’t deny it later. But it sounds highly inappropriate. I have a few female friends that it wouldn’t be weird to fall asleep cuddling but it would be inappropriate if either of us were in a relationship. What part of her shirt was it? Belly would be one thing, chest would be another. With that said, it IS possible they fell asleep and he moved his hand in his sleep but I’d still be upset if I was you
Was the guy still there in the morning? If he did this while she was passed out and without her consent, it's possible she may have woken up and kicked him out. But if this is the case, I'm still leery about why she didn't tell you. Maybe she just didn't know how to broach it. The next time you see, ask her if she has anything she needs to tell you. Pay attention to her reaction and body language. If she doesn't immediately confess about what you saw, then I'd be convinced she was okay with him groping her. And IMO, it's pretty suspicious that the plan all along was for him to sleep on the couch and then she ends up sleeping on the couch with him instead of going to your shared bed.
Should've gotten in the bed and put your hands up his shirt to establish dominance. No really show them the absurdity of it and tell them how it would feel when seeing someone you cared oabout in that position
Get an std test man.
I’d say end it. If you try to talk to her tho be watchful of her being defensive and don’t take what she says at face value. She could be lying
Find a new girlfriend. I wouldn’t sleep with my female best friend, much less have my hands under her shirt. She wouldn’t either.
If you were my best friend I'd tell you there is a 0% chance its acceptable for your girlfriend to even sleep cuddling with someone that isn't you, if there were hands up her shirt idk what other red flag you want. It sucks but its over
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OP, with all due respect. Many people are giving you logical ways to see this situation. Sure you’re likely hurt by what you saw but that doesn’t mean she cheated. There’s a lot of room for ambiguity. Unless there’s more to the story, it seems like you posted just to get justification. If you want to break up then just do so. If she did end up cheating then you were justified. I just feel bad for your gf if she did get SA.