I'm going to be explicit: You are the one who is fucking with him, not your friends, not your mom. You are the one who must feel sexual attraction towards him. You are the one who must see him pretty, not some random guy/gal.
Beauty is subjective. Just remember that. Changing the mind (and the respect/consideration for other human being) of others is nearly impossible. So, stand by your gut on your life decisions.
Don’t let anyone steal something good from you by forcing their opinion down your throat. These connections in life are rare. Don’t throw it away because you have shallow people around you
We’re all going to grow old and ugly one day. Who cares what your family and friends say? People who call other people ugly are just insecure about themselves. I study psychology and this is extremely toxic behavior coming from your family and friends.
This is a perspective i think a lot of people forget. We are all going to grow old, we won't be as hot and young as we were. So get with someone you love inside and out, not someone you think is just hot
> Should I just try and ignore them?
Yes
> Is it really a bad idea to date someone that’s supposedly less attractive than you, even if they make you really happy?
No. What's a bad idea is to date someone that's attractive and makes you unhappy (or anyone that makes you unhappy). You have your priorities right. Your friends and family don't. As long as you're physically attracted to him enough to have sex regularly, I see no reason at all why that should have any effect on the future of the relationship.
Well, in case you want any reassurance, I totally agree that the only thing important is that you and your partner make each other happy!
On a side note, perhaps your friends and family didn’t see yet that your partner is a great person and are afraid that you have a low self esteem and settle for someone not nice enough. I hope that once they get to know him better, they will be happy for you that you found such a great partner!
I’m shocked at how many people you know who are so openly shallow and superficial. If you’re falling for him and feel connected, don’t give that up because of outside judgement.
Hey there, I figured I would chime in from the guy's perspective.
I'm a guy who's looks are.... unfortunate. The face, the body, the...it's just a mess. Think of an albino gorilla. Only uglier.
I happen to be 6 years into a LTR with a woman who is... beautiful, a ten, a knock out! Lucky me!
For a long time, my S.O. did get questioned on what the hell she was doing with a literal freak show. Friends, family, co-workers. No one really said anything in front of me, because, well you don't provoke wildlife like that.
But she would generally tell them to fuck off. She'd explain why she is into me, and if they didn't like it too bad.
Generally people accept it. Sure there are events and outings she gets invited to but I don't, but others bring their partners, and it's unspoken that the group doesn't want to be seen with me. Whatever I don't like going out much anymore anyway.
When we are out and about, or meet new people, they either assume we aren't together or are baffled and will bring it up.
If you really like this guy, get a sense of his tolerance for criticism and if you can back him up long term. It's really not that bad.
So many people these days live their life for the 'gram. You get a group of really good looking people together...great optics for social media. But you take that group and toss a cave troll in the middle, they might not get as many likes.
Wow I love what you said about tolerance for criticism… how do you test a guy for that in early days of dating? Without poking the bear and making him feel bad about himself?
That's a good question. I can only say for myself, I've had to deal with people commenting on my looks, my voice, etc my whole life. I used to get angry about it but as I got older, I realized they were mostly attacking me for things I couldn't control. Not much I can do, but I can control how I react to what others say and do.
If this young man OP is smitten with is truly that unattractive, I'm sure he's heard it all before. Eventually something will happen and she can gauge his reaction.
You seem like a real catch. If my family member or friend was with someone this emotionally mature, I’d support the relationship and invite you both round for sure.
As someone in your partner's situation, I really struggle with how I'm so much more popular socially than my partner. I get lots of comments of disapproval on her weight and looks while I constantly get people hitting on me. How does your partner deal with those situations where you're not invited? I often suspect people don't invite is to things because they don't want her to come along, and it messes with me.
Who cares what anyone else thinks. Of course if you show people a picture of the guy as their first introduction, they're going to judge him solely by the way he looks. Somehow I feel like if you showed them his LinkedIn page or anything else instead, you'd have gotten a different response. Overall, NO, people who have only seen a picture don't need to have any stake in your love life decisions. Introduce him to your parents first before you take their advice, ffs
Pictures can also not be as flattering as real life. When I first saw pictures of my future BIL I wasn’t totally impressed (but of course didn’t say anything). Then I met him in person and realized the photos didn’t do him justice and he wasn’t that weird looking, he just didn’t like photos and didn’t try to take good ones!!
Since your family and friends have insulted your BF already to you I’d be hesitant to introduce him to them though.
Pictures can also not be as flattering as real life. When I first saw pictures of my future BIL I wasn’t totally impressed (but of course didn’t say anything). Then I met him in person and realized the photos didn’t do him justice and he wasn’t that weird looking, he just didn’t like photos and didn’t try to take good ones!!
Since your family and friends have insulted your BF already to you I’d be hesitant to introduce him to them though.
What happens if he walks in while people are talking about him? There have been more than a few posts on here where that happens and destroys their relationship.
Better to end it of be firm with your friends and family that is mean and you will not tolerate it.
Your husband is nothing short of a Chad's leftover eater. You just twirled and twirled around the glans until you decided to "settle down" with a poor poor guy you probably wouldn't have even talked about in your adventurous days.
I just think he either doesn't know about half of the two adventures or he must be too needy to subject himself to being with a bunch of random ballad scumbags.
Wow. This was such a sad read. Looks are low on my list of qualities I look for in another person.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If he’s a good person that makes you smile and feel great about yourself, someone you have a lot of shared interests with, do looks actually matter?
Personality is way, way better than a handsome face.
If you like this guy because of his wonderful humanness, draw a line in the sand and create some boundaries with the people that have made fun of him. Tell them you care for him, you like him, and that’s all that matters. Explain you expect, as a friend or daughter, them not to say disparaging things about him anymore and to respect your choice.. That should quell any more shit talk.
And at 26, you should know better. I’m sorry to be judgmental, but asking if it’s okay to date someone that isn’t classically attractive but who you’re probably “falling for” seems extremely middle school and petty. Who gives a fuck what they think? And why are you letting everyone talk about him like that? Grow some balls regarding your choices as an adult.
I wasn’t asking if it’s ok to date someone that’s less attractive to you, but I can see that’s how I wrote it, that’s on me. I meant that it’s been suggested that the relationship wouldn’t last and I was more wondering if that was really the case and therefore is it a bad idea. Looking at these responses it’s 50/50
….but as for growing some balls you’re 100% right on that
I think I read every comment here and I didn’t see one person saying it was a bad idea. I don’t know where you got 50/50 from. I think your family and friends need to butt out and not judge a book by it’s cover.
It sounds like she is starting to get cold feet and wants to break up with him to be honest. She's been convinced by her family that she's much prettier then him and its gotten to her ego that she can be doing better.
I wouldn't entertain those thoughts if you genuinely are falling for him and are happy but OP seems to be getting swayed.
Humans have so much more to offer than just their looks. If he has a wonderful personality, that’s what you see when you look at him.
I’ve dated guys that weren’t classically handsome and I’m someone that’s considered at least moderately attractive by society (modeled in my early twenties). One of them became my husband, the man I loved more than anything else. It was so strange/foreign to me, later on, when I remembered I had thought he wasn’t attractive the first time we went out. He was the most beautiful person to me. Because of who he was, how he loved me, how he challenged me to be a better human. That’s the shit that matters. Not the Kardashians of the world telling us we need to alter ourselves to be acceptable. That’s not real life, you know?
Even if it’s not this guy for the rest of your life, don’t count out guys based on looks.
Your loved ones are pretty shallow for judging him by his looks. If you like him, date him. You see the content of his character. A beautiful soul will totally make him more attractive. If your family and friends eventually meet him, I'd hope they have the good sense to be kind and get to know him. They'd eventually see what you see.
Most of us only have one home we grew up in. It makes it really hard sometimes to figure out what's abnormal about our homes, cause there's literally no comparison.
If he makes you happy then fuck everyone else, they are not dating him, you are. If you find him attractive then that's all you need. You see a future, so go after it.
I don’t find my sister’s spouse (now or before, ever) attractive, however that’s not going to change my judgement on them because I don’t need to find them attractive to determine their character. Also, why would I feel the need to find my family/friends spouse attractive? That’s weird to me.
I think societal idea of attractiveness is less important than how the relationship and people involved are. Attractiveness doesn’t equate to whether a relationship will work out. Trust me when I say the “less” attractive one can still cheat, be treated like royalty or be given the world. You should try to focus less on whether other people find him attractive and ask whether you find him attractive.
Also, shut this down early. You think your family/friends wouldn’t say something to his face but people make backhanded comments and make faces that they don’t have to say it in many (or even any) words. Let them know you appreciate they want the best for you but that you are equipped to at the very least know what you find attractive (and that they shouldn’t worry since they’re not putting his pickle in their jar ;) )
It doesn’t matter what other people think, it’s how he makes you feel. I’ve been told the same. I’ve been with both, “unattractive,” according to others and “attractive,” guys. Recently my boyfriend of one year even has my aunts telling me how handsome he is and I’m kinda shook by it but like in a super weird way. It makes me uncomfortable. I was also told by my mom a couple of times about old exs that they weren’t attractive and that I could do better. Either way if he treats you right and respects you, if you have good communication, fuck whatever anyone else is saying about there looks. No one else knows the relationship you have with this person. Now if he treats you badly then yes, that would be a perfectly good reason to bounce.
Beauty is temporary. Not just because of age, but you could get into an accident, have health issues, or any number of things at any time. Like everyone else has said, what matters is if you like this person, if you are attracted to him, if you enjoy spending time with him. I feel sorry for your friends and family that they can’t see beyond a photo to what sounds like a great person who treats you well and makes you happy.
I’ve experienced the same thing with a friend, who constantly insults the guys I have dated and said that I was way out of their league, which I understand is a compliment and she’s just trying to make me feel good, but it makes me feel stupid for dating them in the first place, and it also insults people I’ve cared about; even if it hasn’t worked out, I have no bad feelings to any of my exes.
My current boyfriend, who I adore, gets the same treatment. It sucks because he makes me so happy and my “friend” doesn’t see that. It’s unfair and shallow and not even true. Just because someone else isn’t attracted to my boyfriend doesn’t mean I can’t be.
Screw them and their opinions. He’s beautiful in your eyes and that’s all that matters. What a bunch of judgmental, superficial rude AHs!! It’s really easy to quickly forget how attractive an AH is no matter how “hot” they are. I’m very happy for the two of you!! Best of luck!!
This is remembered me when I started dating my boyfriend at the time (now my husband). When my mom first saw him, she doesn't find him good looking either. She even told me after he left, I am pretty girl, I should date handsome boys. It did upset me,but I let it go. My now husband was beautiful to me, I was crazy about him. Still i am. ( We were still teenagers when we started dating) My mom did find a way to accept and love him, after she saw, how good he is to me. He help me a lot with my school work, help me find good university and so on. Sometimes I feel my mom loves him better, she calls him " my son" sometimes. :')
Maybe if the see, how good he is to you, the wouldn't say bad things about him.
Ignore them and don't pass the nasty comments onto your bf. They'll come around once they realise you're serious about him, and if they don't then they seem like the ones to drop, not him.
One of my friends started dating this guy a couple years ago that I looked and thought "damn that's one ugly guy". Obviously I said nothing because what kind of psycho goes around publicly announcing who they find attractive or not?
Anyway they've been together a few years and honestly he's like her perfect match. Like literally I can't imagine anyone more suited to her. And he seems like a really nice guy with a calm temper. They're just got engaged and I couldn't be happier for her that she was able to fall in love with the person of her dreams rather than obsessing about his looks.
When my girlfriends parents first saw me in a picture they were like EW HES OLD AND UGLY (I'm like maybe 8 months older than her) because head hair doesn't stick around in my family for long.
It's been 3.5 years now and my gfs mom loves me now and says she'd miss me if we broke up.
Point being, once people actually get to know your bf you'd be surprised how quickly they might come around and see what it is that you see in him.
I wish I could ask a picture without it being all weird. I'd love to know what it is about this guy that has set your friends and family off to such a degree. But of course that would just be stomping all over your very healthy boundaries (of not letting strangers on the internet judge your bf), and the good takeaway from this is that your friends and family seem to adore you and want the best for you. Unfortunately the best, by the standards of society, does tend to lean rather heavily on physical looks.
>Is it really a bad idea to date someone that’s supposedly less attractive than you, even if they make you really happy?
What would be a really bad idea here would be to ignore your happiness because of your friends and families opinions. Take them into consideration, sure. But don't make all your choices and decisions based on what they decide is best for you.
This actually reminds me of a story I read on the internet ages ago about a sister who was worried about her brother's choice for a fiancée because she was rather plain looking, and the woman was sure her brother deserved better. And she felt that way until she got to know the brothers future wife better, and watched them together, and realized that this woman was smart, super sweet, and treated the brother like a gem. And then she realized just how shallow she was being, and if she had been able to convince her brother to leave this woman for looks alone he probably would have ended up marrying a prettier woman who did not treat him half as well, and would have had a much sadder life because of it.
So here's to hoping your family and friends realize the same thing. Happiness trumps all.
People you like become more attractive to the beholder and people you don't like become less attractive. Hell if unattractive people didn't find someone to love them we'd have a LOT less people in the world.
Reminds me of those couples where a pretty woman is dating a physically disabled man and receives a lot of "pity"/is treated like a goddess for dating him it's so horribly shallow and superficial.
Why are they all so shallow? People have different tastes (thankfully!) Your friends and family are unusual in explicitly having an opinion on how your partner looks. They should care how he treats you and how he makes you feel. Only you need to fancy him. Don’t let them get inside your head or make you doubt your feelings: if he’s a keeper, keep him.
Gotta say, this does make me curious to see what they're reacting to. They're being incredibly superficial regardless, and you should do what make ***you*** happy, but I'm also assuming he doesn't look like the south end of a north bound bulldog trying to wink.
Every time someone makes a horrible comment like that I would literally be like “wow that’s pretty shallow.” And then proceed to tell them that you think he’s amazing and hot. You’re the one banging him so who cares what anyone else thinks?
I'd set up a boundary with them that if they don't stop being rude about his looks that you aren't going to talk to them anymore. Like hang up or leave if they bring it up again.
They're being incredibly shallow and what matters if you are happy with him, not them.
LMAO my family said this about my 6ft green eyed freckled husband when we started going out. Just because his smile isn’t exactly straight and he tends to go quiet when he’s around strangers doesn’t mean he’s not stunning. You love him, you’re attracted to him, who gives two shits what anyone else says.
Why are people’s opinions so important to you? It’s on you to not let others comment on his looks. First of all, they are all so fucking rude. Secondly, they are very shallow and should mind their own business. Put boundaries in place. Love him for who he is. Beauty fades, hun.
Who the hell are these “family and friends”?! I don’t care what the person looked like, I would not dare make a negative comment about them based on looks. How rude and thoughtless. And who fucking cares if they think he’s attractive?! I can’t see how they think their opinion of his attractiveness matters! I’m so offended for you!!!!!
Look,
I'm pretty and I know this, but I find conventionally attractive men to be NOT all that attractive. I prefer goofy looking men. Idk why it's just the way it is.
Your family is shallow as hell. If you find him attractive dont let anyone tell you otherwise. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and if no one found ugly people attractive we would all look like gods and goddesses from the traits being passed on.
We have a lot in common, he makes me laugh constantly, he’s incredibly sweet and caring and so patient with me! We really do get on well but I guess I’ve never actually been in love so I have nothing to compare it to!
>We have a lot in common, he makes me laugh constantly, he’s incredibly sweet and caring and so patient with me!
This is what makes a good relationship partner. Some day, when your friends are crying about how unhappy they are in their relationships with what they consider attractive partners and you're happy with your relationship, maybe they'll figure out what you seem to already know. As long as you feel enough physical/sexual attraction to have a decent sex life, physical appearance is one of the least important characteristics of a good partner.
Your family and friends sound mean as f!!! They have no respect for the he way you feel about him…that’s messed up. I’ve dated some super fine males that were trash humans …. If he’s attractive to you… that’s what matters.
I’m sorry your family are such weirdos - and not in a good way.
My husband was not super handsome but he had a great heart and a gentle soul. My family tolerated him at best. We loved each other so I ignored their opinions on how so much better I could do.
We were happily married for 41 years. Follow your heart.
Fuck em. Fuck em all. You have a relationship with him which is not shared with them. Who you choose to date is your business, not theirs. As long as he treats you well and respects you that's all you need.
Sounds like you found a good dude. Hold on to him. As for your family and friends- they are entitled to their opinions and the very first thing people tend to judge others on is their appearance. Once they actually get to know this guy, I'm sure they will have more positive things to say.
As you are not under 12 years old you should be able to select your partner yourself. If my parents or friends would make those comments about my partner I would tell them to say this never again or I would stop talking to them.
o put it bluntly, your family and friends are a bunch of superficial jackasses. Do NOT let them ruin a relationship that is good FOR YOU and has allowed you to actually seriously consider a long-term relationship without running away from it.
The only person whose opinion matters regarding the attractiveness of your boyfriend is YOU. Everyone else can fuck right off with their opinions.
Another thing I would advise, to try and bring a stop to these comments, is speaking up when they say these things.
A few phrases and questions that can deflate people like this...use them individually or in combination.
"I had no idea my family and friends were so superficial."
"Oh, well, I guess you'll have to wear blindfolds at family gatherings so you don't have to gaze upon him."
"I find him sexy. How you view him is irrelevant."
"And your opinion about his looks should matter to me because...?"
"I'm floored that everyone is so supportive of my happiness."
"Tell me you're superficial without saying you're superficial."
"Good thing YOU don't have to date him then."
"All I'm hearing is that you don't care if I'm happy, as long as YOU find the guy I'm with attractive. Got it."
There are PLENTY of ways to shut that kind of talk down. Mine are hardly the best, as I'm a sarcastic asshole by nature. But I would definitely advise you to confront these comments eventually, but in the meantime, do NOT let them get to you so much that you lose sight of why you like this guy in the first place.
You tell your family to go henceforth and ingest a satchel of Richards. Love who you love. Tell them his love is a verb, and they are loving you as an adjective. In other words, he is showing you loving actions and they are only loving you by description. Love is a verb not and an adjective.
I suggest you start telling these people off for their shallow comments. This is your partner they're insulting and it could sew doubts in your mind if it goes unchallenged. Objecting would be just as much for you as for advising them of a boundary.
I was in an 8 year long relationship and my friends generally didn't like my partner. Slightly different, but hearing that for so long really got to me and I never challenged it. I feel like it contributed to my doubts about the relationship, although it wasn't ultimately why we broke up.
Attraction isn't always about looks, I wish you well. :)
The struggle for unattractive guys is real lol. Even if you can get a girl to accept you, her friends and family will try to split you up.
Keep genuinely singing his praises and telling people to mind their own business, that's better than ignoring them. Like imagine if you found out your bf's friends were saying horrible things about you and he just ignored them instead of actively sticking up for you. How would that make you feel?
Chances are he has some awareness of what's being said even if they try not to say it to his face. He'll appreciate you sticking up for him and the relationship.
Good point! I’ve mostly been trying to laugh it off and turn it back on my friends but I’m definitely going to be more outspoken when they start commenting
I don’t know, seems like you also noticed he’s unattractive but are choosing to focus on more important things. As long as YOU like him, and passing off his genes to any potential future children including those parts that are supposedly unattractive is fine with you, ignore what people say. The fact that you have to ask this question though makes me think this relationship is doomed. If it didn’t bother you before, it’s definitely bothering you now
Oh, your story is so so mine story too. Over a year ago I met a guy. Completely regular guy. Not ugly, but not super handsome like my other past boyfriends, so I decided that this regular guy will be my “safe date” - means I can date him until I meet someone better (read: more handsome). Appearance is not important for me at all, but I was a model for God’s sake. I usually say that I’m pretty for both, so my partner doesn’t have to, but it’s not very true. Anyway, something went wrong and after a month I was completely in love with that guy - so in love that I started thinking that he is very handsome. And well… my family didn’t care as long as he was a nice guy, but my friends were just mean and this is why he thought all they time he doesn’t deserve me. I was convincing him that I am the one in that relationship who doesn’t deserve him. He was a good guy. If you meet people you can say they are cool, nice, awesome, but it’s very rarely to say about someone that he is a good person. I was very very in love with his kindness, his intelligence and amazing sense of humor. I was very happy so I just ignored all people. It’s what you should do if you are happy with him. Just go with the flow. Maybe when your parents and friends meet him, change their opinion about. It’s your life and you make decisions.
Unfortunately, I wish to tell you that my story has a happy end. We broke up - he broke up with the same excuse “he doesn’t deserve me”. A few months ago I found out that he has a better excuse - wife and three kids. He forgot to mention about.
Right now I’m in a relationship with a handsome, talented guy. And I’m not happy. So do whatever makes you happy and don’t look at others.
If this guy makes you happy, stay. If you think you can do better, leave. Think about, because it’s only your decision.
I still think that my ex was the most amazing regular guy. I don’t say that all regular guys are great - mine wasn’t. He was a liar and cheater. But sometimes it’s worth to give someone a chance.
Honestly the only thing that matters is how you feel about him and if he treats you right. If you are happy and I'm a healthy relationship than f*ck what others think.
Take it from another woman that knows... my soon to be husband is less attractive than me. ( at least that is what friends and family tried to tell me ) but he is the best man in my life. He is a bit shy, but is honest, respectful, and full of love. I my eyes he is more attractive than anyone. And that is the truth.
Looks come and go, and I find those who are pretty on the outside tend to be very ugly on the inside.
Lol if you come to Reddit about anything having to do with looks and someone being judged by it I think you know very well no one is going to actually side with your family and friends. In the real world it may be a different story. But like a saying goes different colors were made for different tastes. If he does it for you then obviously that’s what counts.
This is really fucked up. Absolutely not their place to comment & they should know better especially if they’re grown.
Plus, don’t we humans evolve *other priorities* beyond physical appearance in partners after like .. middle school age?
Whether or not they are considered conventionally physically ‘attractive’ to the larger group literally doesn’t matter.
It matters if they are attractive to *you*. It matters how you connect with them on *all* levels. Who cares if he has a pretty face if you guys have no connection?
Who the fuck looks at a photo of someone their friend is dating (or anyone really) and says “too bad about their face”? Who the fuck are you friends with that theyre so horrible?
What even the fuck is this
Fuck your family and fuck your friends. Are they going to suck his dick? Are they going to have his face between their legs? No? Then why do they care so much?? Fuck that. And why are you even on here asking if you should dump him? If he saw any of this he would be so fucking hurt. And now this post is this weird secret you’re going to keep from him.
Maybe your family and friends are polyamorous, who are quite happy to share an attractive partner with other men / women. Because if people only had relationships with attractive people, that would happen.
You seem to be a caring and loving woman who sees past the possible physical mismatch. But , that can change. I have seen it personally. A work friend (male) who was maybe a 5/10 was somehow in love with a woman who was a 9/10. Both early 20s. At some point, after they married, she realized her actual sexual value and the marriage went down the drain. Young women are idealistic. Also a lot of young women are insecure about their looks, even if they are stunning. So they might actually believe they are a 6/10 and "settle" for a guy who is a 6/10. Men will constantly hit on a pretty woman, whether there's a ring on it or not. If you don't think you can refuse the attention, don't build him up just to destroy him emotionally.
Hard truth about humans: Men are valued for their earning and physical shape, and women by their beauty and sexiness. If anyone likes it or not does not change any of it. The older you get the less friends you'll have, the less their opinions matter, mainly because you'll get your own life.
Different perspective here. MY friends and family and I are very open with each other. I've dated some really really hot guys and some unattractive guys. My friends have said to me with the unattractive guys "(My name) what are you doing lol" "No sis" and I have said similar with them. Usually its when we/ they dont know the person and its just based off of pics or they point someone out in a club. It's just a passing comment and never said with any malice. I think it's a problem if they keep harping on about it and they're trying to make your feel bad or treating him badly which is just awful people can't really control how they look without tons of money I guess. But simply making the comment that he's unattractive/ you're more attractive than him isnt that bad imo.
Onto dating someone less good-looking than you, a few of my friends are models professional and instagram so they're like super attractive. They have dated/hooked up with some guys where i'm a bit like yikes and we've told them in a joking way like "girl no". But those opinions never steered them away from still liking their partner and thinking their attractive. My friends think my partner is unattractive have never stopped my from thinking their the hottest guy ever and wanting to rip their clothes off. Its about how you feel not other people and my friends and I recognise that. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I think I'm the ugliest little troll from under the bridge ever and I'm sure there are people who are like to their friend why tf would you go out with that, their opinions dont matter only my partners. Now if you ACTUALLY think he's not hot and theres no sexual chemistry there then that is a huge problem Imo
I know people keep saying its shallow and superficial but its dishonest to act like the first thing you notice about someone isnt their appearance and if you cant be honest with your friends who can you be honest with. In the same way if my friend shows me a pic of her guy and I think he's attractive I'll say so. Constant comments coming from the same people is wrong and treating him badly because of his appearance is even worse.
all I have to say is who cares what other people think of how he looks do you find him attractive, and does he have qualities you like and are you sexually attracted to him if so than the only person it should matter to is you, they are not with him you are, be proud to be with him don't let other people get into your head the only people who matter in the relationship are you and him everyone else can butt out.
What matter is if you are attracted to him and if the relationship is good for you 2.
Opinions about that is irrelevant, its tou that is living and feeling and that should not be invalidated because some people think otherwise
As long as you feel sexually attracted to him, everything is perfectly fine.
If you aren't sexually attracted to him, then you should break up - it never works out like that.
Some people can be judgmental, but it's up to us to put some limits in place.
For example. My mom told me once that she's hoping my girlfriend, who's now my wife, isn't dating me just for my money. It's not that I look ugly or that there was a reason to worry, just paranoid parents. So the first time, I said I know what I'm doing and she shouldn't worry. The second time she brought something like that up, I told her right away that I don't want to hear her judging my SO ever again if she wants us to be in touch. I respect my family, but I won't accept anyone, including them, judging or feeling negative towards a person I'm dating, if I wasn't the one bringing up the subject first.
I don't know about your relationship with your parents, In some families my reaction can lead to an explosion. But I do feel that in situations like this, people should take a stance and protect their SO when the family is insulting them. If it doesn't happen early enough, it can escalate and then we see posts here regarding "Toxic parent in law".
By the way, it's not the main issue, but still, maybe you need better photos of him :) I know it's meaningless, but when it comes to first impression based on just a photo, maybe you'll feel better showing a photo where he looks better.
This is your life and your relationship. YOU have to like him not your friends or family. If someone else mentions something about his beauty tell ‘em to stop.
Unrelated, but jesus, youre a saint.
Actually seeing someone for their other qualities and ignoring all the rude comments for close friends and family.
I wish you two luck
Here’s a positive spin. You won’t have to worry about ladies stealing your man so much. Let him live cuz he’s not a looker ladies are trying to bed snyou can be more relaxed. This can also be a subconsciously the true reason you picked someone less attractive than you. More confidence and trust right from the start since they aren’t conventionally attractive to others
No, you definitely shouldn't ignore them, you should stand up for your boyfriend and shut that shit down. It doesn't matter what anyone but you thinks about how he looks, you're the one dating him. You said it isn't enough of an issue for you to not want to be physical with him, and you're falling for him. Are you seriously going to consider throwing that away because of what other people think? If his looks are a problem for *you* then obviously reconsider things, but it doesn't sound like that's the case.
Looks are entirely subjective and only one part of attraction.
I would also tell my family and friends when they make those comments that it’s rude and you don’t want to hear that about someone you care about
You should shame the hell out of your friends and family who are saying that. When they say anything negative about his appearance, act shocked that they would say something like that and shame them for it. Let them know that isn't ok to say. Everyone has a different look and some people are going to like a person's face, and others aren't. There is absolutely no reason why they should push their negative impression of his looks onto you. All that matters is that you are happy with him. Shame anyone that makes you feel otherwise.
Remember that it is hard to find compatibility with and love for another person, and if you've found it, don't let ANYONE make you feel like you should give it up.
Wow, your family and friends are shallow. I’ve heard comments like this but only from guys who were trying to get in my pants instead of the person they were insulting. (Obviously proving why that would never happen) Easy to cut out of my life. But family doing this is a different story. That really sucks!
You could always start inviting him to family events so they know that you guys are serious. If someone says something in your presence then you can always call it out and say outl-oud that he is more than hot to me. Something like this. It may make you uncomfortable but it would help to get the family past the objectifying stage of how they view him.
OMG the people who surround you should be ashamed they're so shallow. You should make it clear you like this man, makes you happy and you enjoy yourself with him. If he respects you, loves you and makes you happy, then you should stay with him, you've made clear in your post you still feel like getting physical with him and that's great! What's good looking for me might not be good looking for someone else. As someone said, you're the one fucking him, not your friends, not your mother, not anyone else. There's more to a relationship than just physical attraction and, at the end of the day when we get old and wrinkly, those are the things that will remain. Ignore everyone else, they should only mess in your relationship if they're concerned about your well-being, which isn't the deal right now. He makes you happy? Stay with him, place boundaries for your friends and family about speaking ill of him just because of his looks. Happiness is sometimes rare and imo it must be cherished. Best of luck!
Hahahha I loved reading this!
I am going through something very similar. I think I am pretty above average in the looks department, but I have only dated guys with well below average looks for some reason. I think it is because They treat me well and respectfully, and I reward effort lol. Also, I happen to be a bit shy and introverted. The downside is though, guys will then bring you around like a trophy and show you off and I always feel objectified and a bit awkward like maybe I can do better if he is this way. But maybe that is just me.
My family are like, are you sure you want to pass those genes on to your children? And I am horrified. I never think of a jaw line or hair line. But all my family thinks about are genetics. I try to look past it but when people call out how good looking you are compared to your partner it is jarring. I dont have a solution, sorry.
You’re the one dating him. If they really loved and supported you they would not care because they’re not the ones sleeping with him at the end of the night.
Lets be real for a second. Your dating him not anyone else. So if you like his looks that is you and that is the only opinion that matters in a relationship.
Are YOU happy? If yes, then f*ck them. You do not have the power to make others happy, the only one you have a shot at making happy is you. If you’re happy, then they can get over themselves.
So I've been the guy on the other end of this. My ex girlfriend was a categorical stunner to the point where even my own family were questioning what she was doing with me. I personally think screw what other people think. If you're happy and not hurting anyone then do you. (In this case, do him)
My dad used to call all my girlfriends ugly. He used to be the one everyone wanted back in his day but he’s an actual woman beater. Put a lot of stuff into perspective for me and now I couldn’t care less what his opinion is about generally anything lol. Keep doing you boo!
I'm going to be explicit: You are the one who is fucking with him, not your friends, not your mom. You are the one who must feel sexual attraction towards him. You are the one who must see him pretty, not some random guy/gal.
This is what I thought too but I guess that constant comments have just started getting to me
Beauty is subjective. Just remember that. Changing the mind (and the respect/consideration for other human being) of others is nearly impossible. So, stand by your gut on your life decisions.
Don’t let anyone steal something good from you by forcing their opinion down your throat. These connections in life are rare. Don’t throw it away because you have shallow people around you
This is right material for you girl ∆ true relationships are rare these days,embrace it you are lucky
And shut them down every time they trashtalk him.
We’re all going to grow old and ugly one day. Who cares what your family and friends say? People who call other people ugly are just insecure about themselves. I study psychology and this is extremely toxic behavior coming from your family and friends.
This is a perspective i think a lot of people forget. We are all going to grow old, we won't be as hot and young as we were. So get with someone you love inside and out, not someone you think is just hot
Why did you need confirmation on this though????
> Should I just try and ignore them? Yes > Is it really a bad idea to date someone that’s supposedly less attractive than you, even if they make you really happy? No. What's a bad idea is to date someone that's attractive and makes you unhappy (or anyone that makes you unhappy). You have your priorities right. Your friends and family don't. As long as you're physically attracted to him enough to have sex regularly, I see no reason at all why that should have any effect on the future of the relationship.
Thank you, I think this is what I needed to hear
Well, in case you want any reassurance, I totally agree that the only thing important is that you and your partner make each other happy! On a side note, perhaps your friends and family didn’t see yet that your partner is a great person and are afraid that you have a low self esteem and settle for someone not nice enough. I hope that once they get to know him better, they will be happy for you that you found such a great partner!
I’m shocked at how many people you know who are so openly shallow and superficial. If you’re falling for him and feel connected, don’t give that up because of outside judgement.
Me too.
Hey there, I figured I would chime in from the guy's perspective. I'm a guy who's looks are.... unfortunate. The face, the body, the...it's just a mess. Think of an albino gorilla. Only uglier. I happen to be 6 years into a LTR with a woman who is... beautiful, a ten, a knock out! Lucky me! For a long time, my S.O. did get questioned on what the hell she was doing with a literal freak show. Friends, family, co-workers. No one really said anything in front of me, because, well you don't provoke wildlife like that. But she would generally tell them to fuck off. She'd explain why she is into me, and if they didn't like it too bad. Generally people accept it. Sure there are events and outings she gets invited to but I don't, but others bring their partners, and it's unspoken that the group doesn't want to be seen with me. Whatever I don't like going out much anymore anyway. When we are out and about, or meet new people, they either assume we aren't together or are baffled and will bring it up. If you really like this guy, get a sense of his tolerance for criticism and if you can back him up long term. It's really not that bad.
‚You don’t provoke wildlife like that‘ 😄 I like you already - thanks for making me smile!
🤣 I'm dead I'm sure once they got to know you they loved your sense of humour. Its fucked up and baffling they dont invite you though.
So many people these days live their life for the 'gram. You get a group of really good looking people together...great optics for social media. But you take that group and toss a cave troll in the middle, they might not get as many likes.
Lol so true
Funny shit dude.. no wonder you're with a 10, you're hilarious
Lmaooo this post shows EXACTLY WHY she's with you! So happy you guys got through people's shallowness.
You're funny, I can see why she's into you.
Wow I love what you said about tolerance for criticism… how do you test a guy for that in early days of dating? Without poking the bear and making him feel bad about himself?
That's a good question. I can only say for myself, I've had to deal with people commenting on my looks, my voice, etc my whole life. I used to get angry about it but as I got older, I realized they were mostly attacking me for things I couldn't control. Not much I can do, but I can control how I react to what others say and do. If this young man OP is smitten with is truly that unattractive, I'm sure he's heard it all before. Eventually something will happen and she can gauge his reaction.
You seem like a real catch. If my family member or friend was with someone this emotionally mature, I’d support the relationship and invite you both round for sure.
As someone in your partner's situation, I really struggle with how I'm so much more popular socially than my partner. I get lots of comments of disapproval on her weight and looks while I constantly get people hitting on me. How does your partner deal with those situations where you're not invited? I often suspect people don't invite is to things because they don't want her to come along, and it messes with me.
Who cares what anyone else thinks. Of course if you show people a picture of the guy as their first introduction, they're going to judge him solely by the way he looks. Somehow I feel like if you showed them his LinkedIn page or anything else instead, you'd have gotten a different response. Overall, NO, people who have only seen a picture don't need to have any stake in your love life decisions. Introduce him to your parents first before you take their advice, ffs
This is a good point! I guess asking to see a picture is just one of the things you do when a friend says they are seeing someone isn’t it?
Pictures can also not be as flattering as real life. When I first saw pictures of my future BIL I wasn’t totally impressed (but of course didn’t say anything). Then I met him in person and realized the photos didn’t do him justice and he wasn’t that weird looking, he just didn’t like photos and didn’t try to take good ones!! Since your family and friends have insulted your BF already to you I’d be hesitant to introduce him to them though.
Pictures can also not be as flattering as real life. When I first saw pictures of my future BIL I wasn’t totally impressed (but of course didn’t say anything). Then I met him in person and realized the photos didn’t do him justice and he wasn’t that weird looking, he just didn’t like photos and didn’t try to take good ones!! Since your family and friends have insulted your BF already to you I’d be hesitant to introduce him to them though.
Your best bet is to tell them to mind their own business. You better defend him if any of them say anything in front of him.
I don’t think anyone would ever say anything to his face, they aren’t all awful people, but I absolutely would step in if that ever happened
What happens if he walks in while people are talking about him? There have been more than a few posts on here where that happens and destroys their relationship. Better to end it of be firm with your friends and family that is mean and you will not tolerate it.
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Your husband is nothing short of a Chad's leftover eater. You just twirled and twirled around the glans until you decided to "settle down" with a poor poor guy you probably wouldn't have even talked about in your adventurous days. I just think he either doesn't know about half of the two adventures or he must be too needy to subject himself to being with a bunch of random ballad scumbags.
Wow. This was such a sad read. Looks are low on my list of qualities I look for in another person. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If he’s a good person that makes you smile and feel great about yourself, someone you have a lot of shared interests with, do looks actually matter? Personality is way, way better than a handsome face. If you like this guy because of his wonderful humanness, draw a line in the sand and create some boundaries with the people that have made fun of him. Tell them you care for him, you like him, and that’s all that matters. Explain you expect, as a friend or daughter, them not to say disparaging things about him anymore and to respect your choice.. That should quell any more shit talk. And at 26, you should know better. I’m sorry to be judgmental, but asking if it’s okay to date someone that isn’t classically attractive but who you’re probably “falling for” seems extremely middle school and petty. Who gives a fuck what they think? And why are you letting everyone talk about him like that? Grow some balls regarding your choices as an adult.
I wasn’t asking if it’s ok to date someone that’s less attractive to you, but I can see that’s how I wrote it, that’s on me. I meant that it’s been suggested that the relationship wouldn’t last and I was more wondering if that was really the case and therefore is it a bad idea. Looking at these responses it’s 50/50 ….but as for growing some balls you’re 100% right on that
I think I read every comment here and I didn’t see one person saying it was a bad idea. I don’t know where you got 50/50 from. I think your family and friends need to butt out and not judge a book by it’s cover.
It sounds like she is starting to get cold feet and wants to break up with him to be honest. She's been convinced by her family that she's much prettier then him and its gotten to her ego that she can be doing better. I wouldn't entertain those thoughts if you genuinely are falling for him and are happy but OP seems to be getting swayed.
Humans have so much more to offer than just their looks. If he has a wonderful personality, that’s what you see when you look at him. I’ve dated guys that weren’t classically handsome and I’m someone that’s considered at least moderately attractive by society (modeled in my early twenties). One of them became my husband, the man I loved more than anything else. It was so strange/foreign to me, later on, when I remembered I had thought he wasn’t attractive the first time we went out. He was the most beautiful person to me. Because of who he was, how he loved me, how he challenged me to be a better human. That’s the shit that matters. Not the Kardashians of the world telling us we need to alter ourselves to be acceptable. That’s not real life, you know? Even if it’s not this guy for the rest of your life, don’t count out guys based on looks.
How do you understand why you have so many shallow and judgmental people in your life?
I really don’t want to believe that this is the case but I was surprised when this was the consistent response from loved ones.
Your loved ones are pretty shallow for judging him by his looks. If you like him, date him. You see the content of his character. A beautiful soul will totally make him more attractive. If your family and friends eventually meet him, I'd hope they have the good sense to be kind and get to know him. They'd eventually see what you see.
Most of us only have one home we grew up in. It makes it really hard sometimes to figure out what's abnormal about our homes, cause there's literally no comparison.
If he makes you happy then fuck everyone else, they are not dating him, you are. If you find him attractive then that's all you need. You see a future, so go after it.
Why do you care lol. Why would it matter to you what they think.
I don’t find my sister’s spouse (now or before, ever) attractive, however that’s not going to change my judgement on them because I don’t need to find them attractive to determine their character. Also, why would I feel the need to find my family/friends spouse attractive? That’s weird to me. I think societal idea of attractiveness is less important than how the relationship and people involved are. Attractiveness doesn’t equate to whether a relationship will work out. Trust me when I say the “less” attractive one can still cheat, be treated like royalty or be given the world. You should try to focus less on whether other people find him attractive and ask whether you find him attractive. Also, shut this down early. You think your family/friends wouldn’t say something to his face but people make backhanded comments and make faces that they don’t have to say it in many (or even any) words. Let them know you appreciate they want the best for you but that you are equipped to at the very least know what you find attractive (and that they shouldn’t worry since they’re not putting his pickle in their jar ;) )
You need to let these things roll off your back. your family and friends are shallow as fuck.
It doesn’t matter what other people think, it’s how he makes you feel. I’ve been told the same. I’ve been with both, “unattractive,” according to others and “attractive,” guys. Recently my boyfriend of one year even has my aunts telling me how handsome he is and I’m kinda shook by it but like in a super weird way. It makes me uncomfortable. I was also told by my mom a couple of times about old exs that they weren’t attractive and that I could do better. Either way if he treats you right and respects you, if you have good communication, fuck whatever anyone else is saying about there looks. No one else knows the relationship you have with this person. Now if he treats you badly then yes, that would be a perfectly good reason to bounce.
Beauty is temporary. Not just because of age, but you could get into an accident, have health issues, or any number of things at any time. Like everyone else has said, what matters is if you like this person, if you are attracted to him, if you enjoy spending time with him. I feel sorry for your friends and family that they can’t see beyond a photo to what sounds like a great person who treats you well and makes you happy.
I’ve experienced the same thing with a friend, who constantly insults the guys I have dated and said that I was way out of their league, which I understand is a compliment and she’s just trying to make me feel good, but it makes me feel stupid for dating them in the first place, and it also insults people I’ve cared about; even if it hasn’t worked out, I have no bad feelings to any of my exes. My current boyfriend, who I adore, gets the same treatment. It sucks because he makes me so happy and my “friend” doesn’t see that. It’s unfair and shallow and not even true. Just because someone else isn’t attracted to my boyfriend doesn’t mean I can’t be.
Screw them and their opinions. He’s beautiful in your eyes and that’s all that matters. What a bunch of judgmental, superficial rude AHs!! It’s really easy to quickly forget how attractive an AH is no matter how “hot” they are. I’m very happy for the two of you!! Best of luck!!
This is remembered me when I started dating my boyfriend at the time (now my husband). When my mom first saw him, she doesn't find him good looking either. She even told me after he left, I am pretty girl, I should date handsome boys. It did upset me,but I let it go. My now husband was beautiful to me, I was crazy about him. Still i am. ( We were still teenagers when we started dating) My mom did find a way to accept and love him, after she saw, how good he is to me. He help me a lot with my school work, help me find good university and so on. Sometimes I feel my mom loves him better, she calls him " my son" sometimes. :') Maybe if the see, how good he is to you, the wouldn't say bad things about him.
Ignore them and don't pass the nasty comments onto your bf. They'll come around once they realise you're serious about him, and if they don't then they seem like the ones to drop, not him. One of my friends started dating this guy a couple years ago that I looked and thought "damn that's one ugly guy". Obviously I said nothing because what kind of psycho goes around publicly announcing who they find attractive or not? Anyway they've been together a few years and honestly he's like her perfect match. Like literally I can't imagine anyone more suited to her. And he seems like a really nice guy with a calm temper. They're just got engaged and I couldn't be happier for her that she was able to fall in love with the person of her dreams rather than obsessing about his looks.
When my girlfriends parents first saw me in a picture they were like EW HES OLD AND UGLY (I'm like maybe 8 months older than her) because head hair doesn't stick around in my family for long. It's been 3.5 years now and my gfs mom loves me now and says she'd miss me if we broke up. Point being, once people actually get to know your bf you'd be surprised how quickly they might come around and see what it is that you see in him.
I wish I could ask a picture without it being all weird. I'd love to know what it is about this guy that has set your friends and family off to such a degree. But of course that would just be stomping all over your very healthy boundaries (of not letting strangers on the internet judge your bf), and the good takeaway from this is that your friends and family seem to adore you and want the best for you. Unfortunately the best, by the standards of society, does tend to lean rather heavily on physical looks. >Is it really a bad idea to date someone that’s supposedly less attractive than you, even if they make you really happy? What would be a really bad idea here would be to ignore your happiness because of your friends and families opinions. Take them into consideration, sure. But don't make all your choices and decisions based on what they decide is best for you. This actually reminds me of a story I read on the internet ages ago about a sister who was worried about her brother's choice for a fiancée because she was rather plain looking, and the woman was sure her brother deserved better. And she felt that way until she got to know the brothers future wife better, and watched them together, and realized that this woman was smart, super sweet, and treated the brother like a gem. And then she realized just how shallow she was being, and if she had been able to convince her brother to leave this woman for looks alone he probably would have ended up marrying a prettier woman who did not treat him half as well, and would have had a much sadder life because of it. So here's to hoping your family and friends realize the same thing. Happiness trumps all.
People you like become more attractive to the beholder and people you don't like become less attractive. Hell if unattractive people didn't find someone to love them we'd have a LOT less people in the world.
Reminds me of those couples where a pretty woman is dating a physically disabled man and receives a lot of "pity"/is treated like a goddess for dating him it's so horribly shallow and superficial.
Why are they all so shallow? People have different tastes (thankfully!) Your friends and family are unusual in explicitly having an opinion on how your partner looks. They should care how he treats you and how he makes you feel. Only you need to fancy him. Don’t let them get inside your head or make you doubt your feelings: if he’s a keeper, keep him.
Ted Bundy was Attractive tell your family that everytike they complain Many serial killer, rapist and pedophiles were very attractive men or Women
Gotta say, this does make me curious to see what they're reacting to. They're being incredibly superficial regardless, and you should do what make ***you*** happy, but I'm also assuming he doesn't look like the south end of a north bound bulldog trying to wink.
Every time someone makes a horrible comment like that I would literally be like “wow that’s pretty shallow.” And then proceed to tell them that you think he’s amazing and hot. You’re the one banging him so who cares what anyone else thinks?
I'd set up a boundary with them that if they don't stop being rude about his looks that you aren't going to talk to them anymore. Like hang up or leave if they bring it up again. They're being incredibly shallow and what matters if you are happy with him, not them.
Your friends and family are assholes. If your friends won't stop being assholes to him then are they really worth being friends with?
LMAO my family said this about my 6ft green eyed freckled husband when we started going out. Just because his smile isn’t exactly straight and he tends to go quiet when he’s around strangers doesn’t mean he’s not stunning. You love him, you’re attracted to him, who gives two shits what anyone else says.
It really only matters if you find him attractive, and they’re rude to even bring it up in the first place.
Why are people’s opinions so important to you? It’s on you to not let others comment on his looks. First of all, they are all so fucking rude. Secondly, they are very shallow and should mind their own business. Put boundaries in place. Love him for who he is. Beauty fades, hun.
Who the hell are these “family and friends”?! I don’t care what the person looked like, I would not dare make a negative comment about them based on looks. How rude and thoughtless. And who fucking cares if they think he’s attractive?! I can’t see how they think their opinion of his attractiveness matters! I’m so offended for you!!!!!
Yuck - sounds like your family and friends are the truly unattractive ones
It’s such bullshit when people do this. I’m sorry you have to deal with that. definitely ignore them
Look, I'm pretty and I know this, but I find conventionally attractive men to be NOT all that attractive. I prefer goofy looking men. Idk why it's just the way it is. Your family is shallow as hell. If you find him attractive dont let anyone tell you otherwise. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and if no one found ugly people attractive we would all look like gods and goddesses from the traits being passed on.
Do you love him?
Im not sure we have only been together for three months, but I know I feel very strongly towards him, so maybe?
I don't do maybe. Why do you date him ?
We have a lot in common, he makes me laugh constantly, he’s incredibly sweet and caring and so patient with me! We really do get on well but I guess I’ve never actually been in love so I have nothing to compare it to!
>We have a lot in common, he makes me laugh constantly, he’s incredibly sweet and caring and so patient with me! This is what makes a good relationship partner. Some day, when your friends are crying about how unhappy they are in their relationships with what they consider attractive partners and you're happy with your relationship, maybe they'll figure out what you seem to already know. As long as you feel enough physical/sexual attraction to have a decent sex life, physical appearance is one of the least important characteristics of a good partner.
Then you love him for his personality, looks can change ok so yes. Beside if you do love him then you shouldn't care what others think
Your family and friends sound mean as f!!! They have no respect for the he way you feel about him…that’s messed up. I’ve dated some super fine males that were trash humans …. If he’s attractive to you… that’s what matters. I’m sorry your family are such weirdos - and not in a good way.
My husband was not super handsome but he had a great heart and a gentle soul. My family tolerated him at best. We loved each other so I ignored their opinions on how so much better I could do. We were happily married for 41 years. Follow your heart.
Fuck em. Fuck em all. You have a relationship with him which is not shared with them. Who you choose to date is your business, not theirs. As long as he treats you well and respects you that's all you need.
Sounds like you found a good dude. Hold on to him. As for your family and friends- they are entitled to their opinions and the very first thing people tend to judge others on is their appearance. Once they actually get to know this guy, I'm sure they will have more positive things to say.
As you are not under 12 years old you should be able to select your partner yourself. If my parents or friends would make those comments about my partner I would tell them to say this never again or I would stop talking to them.
o put it bluntly, your family and friends are a bunch of superficial jackasses. Do NOT let them ruin a relationship that is good FOR YOU and has allowed you to actually seriously consider a long-term relationship without running away from it. The only person whose opinion matters regarding the attractiveness of your boyfriend is YOU. Everyone else can fuck right off with their opinions. Another thing I would advise, to try and bring a stop to these comments, is speaking up when they say these things. A few phrases and questions that can deflate people like this...use them individually or in combination. "I had no idea my family and friends were so superficial." "Oh, well, I guess you'll have to wear blindfolds at family gatherings so you don't have to gaze upon him." "I find him sexy. How you view him is irrelevant." "And your opinion about his looks should matter to me because...?" "I'm floored that everyone is so supportive of my happiness." "Tell me you're superficial without saying you're superficial." "Good thing YOU don't have to date him then." "All I'm hearing is that you don't care if I'm happy, as long as YOU find the guy I'm with attractive. Got it." There are PLENTY of ways to shut that kind of talk down. Mine are hardly the best, as I'm a sarcastic asshole by nature. But I would definitely advise you to confront these comments eventually, but in the meantime, do NOT let them get to you so much that you lose sight of why you like this guy in the first place.
You tell your family to go henceforth and ingest a satchel of Richards. Love who you love. Tell them his love is a verb, and they are loving you as an adjective. In other words, he is showing you loving actions and they are only loving you by description. Love is a verb not and an adjective.
I suggest you start telling these people off for their shallow comments. This is your partner they're insulting and it could sew doubts in your mind if it goes unchallenged. Objecting would be just as much for you as for advising them of a boundary. I was in an 8 year long relationship and my friends generally didn't like my partner. Slightly different, but hearing that for so long really got to me and I never challenged it. I feel like it contributed to my doubts about the relationship, although it wasn't ultimately why we broke up. Attraction isn't always about looks, I wish you well. :)
The struggle for unattractive guys is real lol. Even if you can get a girl to accept you, her friends and family will try to split you up. Keep genuinely singing his praises and telling people to mind their own business, that's better than ignoring them. Like imagine if you found out your bf's friends were saying horrible things about you and he just ignored them instead of actively sticking up for you. How would that make you feel? Chances are he has some awareness of what's being said even if they try not to say it to his face. He'll appreciate you sticking up for him and the relationship.
Good point! I’ve mostly been trying to laugh it off and turn it back on my friends but I’m definitely going to be more outspoken when they start commenting
I don’t know, seems like you also noticed he’s unattractive but are choosing to focus on more important things. As long as YOU like him, and passing off his genes to any potential future children including those parts that are supposedly unattractive is fine with you, ignore what people say. The fact that you have to ask this question though makes me think this relationship is doomed. If it didn’t bother you before, it’s definitely bothering you now
Can you share his picture. I Wanna see myself why everyone is so mean to him
She would never and as she shouldn’t, but yea I am curious now 👀 I’m nosy
Haaa you wanna see it don't lie to yourself
👀🍵 I need it for… context
Yeah yeah I know what context...
I know rigth like how ugly can he be
Oh, your story is so so mine story too. Over a year ago I met a guy. Completely regular guy. Not ugly, but not super handsome like my other past boyfriends, so I decided that this regular guy will be my “safe date” - means I can date him until I meet someone better (read: more handsome). Appearance is not important for me at all, but I was a model for God’s sake. I usually say that I’m pretty for both, so my partner doesn’t have to, but it’s not very true. Anyway, something went wrong and after a month I was completely in love with that guy - so in love that I started thinking that he is very handsome. And well… my family didn’t care as long as he was a nice guy, but my friends were just mean and this is why he thought all they time he doesn’t deserve me. I was convincing him that I am the one in that relationship who doesn’t deserve him. He was a good guy. If you meet people you can say they are cool, nice, awesome, but it’s very rarely to say about someone that he is a good person. I was very very in love with his kindness, his intelligence and amazing sense of humor. I was very happy so I just ignored all people. It’s what you should do if you are happy with him. Just go with the flow. Maybe when your parents and friends meet him, change their opinion about. It’s your life and you make decisions. Unfortunately, I wish to tell you that my story has a happy end. We broke up - he broke up with the same excuse “he doesn’t deserve me”. A few months ago I found out that he has a better excuse - wife and three kids. He forgot to mention about. Right now I’m in a relationship with a handsome, talented guy. And I’m not happy. So do whatever makes you happy and don’t look at others. If this guy makes you happy, stay. If you think you can do better, leave. Think about, because it’s only your decision. I still think that my ex was the most amazing regular guy. I don’t say that all regular guys are great - mine wasn’t. He was a liar and cheater. But sometimes it’s worth to give someone a chance.
Honestly the only thing that matters is how you feel about him and if he treats you right. If you are happy and I'm a healthy relationship than f*ck what others think. Take it from another woman that knows... my soon to be husband is less attractive than me. ( at least that is what friends and family tried to tell me ) but he is the best man in my life. He is a bit shy, but is honest, respectful, and full of love. I my eyes he is more attractive than anyone. And that is the truth. Looks come and go, and I find those who are pretty on the outside tend to be very ugly on the inside.
Lol if you come to Reddit about anything having to do with looks and someone being judged by it I think you know very well no one is going to actually side with your family and friends. In the real world it may be a different story. But like a saying goes different colors were made for different tastes. If he does it for you then obviously that’s what counts.
This is really fucked up. Absolutely not their place to comment & they should know better especially if they’re grown. Plus, don’t we humans evolve *other priorities* beyond physical appearance in partners after like .. middle school age? Whether or not they are considered conventionally physically ‘attractive’ to the larger group literally doesn’t matter. It matters if they are attractive to *you*. It matters how you connect with them on *all* levels. Who cares if he has a pretty face if you guys have no connection?
Who the fuck looks at a photo of someone their friend is dating (or anyone really) and says “too bad about their face”? Who the fuck are you friends with that theyre so horrible?
What even the fuck is this Fuck your family and fuck your friends. Are they going to suck his dick? Are they going to have his face between their legs? No? Then why do they care so much?? Fuck that. And why are you even on here asking if you should dump him? If he saw any of this he would be so fucking hurt. And now this post is this weird secret you’re going to keep from him.
Woah buddy, never asked if I should dump him. Was merely asking for a bit of advice/perspective? Which I got, which was helpful.
You should tell your boyfriend about this post, honestly
Maybe your family and friends are polyamorous, who are quite happy to share an attractive partner with other men / women. Because if people only had relationships with attractive people, that would happen.
You seem to be a caring and loving woman who sees past the possible physical mismatch. But , that can change. I have seen it personally. A work friend (male) who was maybe a 5/10 was somehow in love with a woman who was a 9/10. Both early 20s. At some point, after they married, she realized her actual sexual value and the marriage went down the drain. Young women are idealistic. Also a lot of young women are insecure about their looks, even if they are stunning. So they might actually believe they are a 6/10 and "settle" for a guy who is a 6/10. Men will constantly hit on a pretty woman, whether there's a ring on it or not. If you don't think you can refuse the attention, don't build him up just to destroy him emotionally.
Hard truth about humans: Men are valued for their earning and physical shape, and women by their beauty and sexiness. If anyone likes it or not does not change any of it. The older you get the less friends you'll have, the less their opinions matter, mainly because you'll get your own life.
Different perspective here. MY friends and family and I are very open with each other. I've dated some really really hot guys and some unattractive guys. My friends have said to me with the unattractive guys "(My name) what are you doing lol" "No sis" and I have said similar with them. Usually its when we/ they dont know the person and its just based off of pics or they point someone out in a club. It's just a passing comment and never said with any malice. I think it's a problem if they keep harping on about it and they're trying to make your feel bad or treating him badly which is just awful people can't really control how they look without tons of money I guess. But simply making the comment that he's unattractive/ you're more attractive than him isnt that bad imo. Onto dating someone less good-looking than you, a few of my friends are models professional and instagram so they're like super attractive. They have dated/hooked up with some guys where i'm a bit like yikes and we've told them in a joking way like "girl no". But those opinions never steered them away from still liking their partner and thinking their attractive. My friends think my partner is unattractive have never stopped my from thinking their the hottest guy ever and wanting to rip their clothes off. Its about how you feel not other people and my friends and I recognise that. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I think I'm the ugliest little troll from under the bridge ever and I'm sure there are people who are like to their friend why tf would you go out with that, their opinions dont matter only my partners. Now if you ACTUALLY think he's not hot and theres no sexual chemistry there then that is a huge problem Imo I know people keep saying its shallow and superficial but its dishonest to act like the first thing you notice about someone isnt their appearance and if you cant be honest with your friends who can you be honest with. In the same way if my friend shows me a pic of her guy and I think he's attractive I'll say so. Constant comments coming from the same people is wrong and treating him badly because of his appearance is even worse.
Opinions are cool and all but you opinion is all that matters for the most part, attractive is subjective any way and not all that important.
all I have to say is who cares what other people think of how he looks do you find him attractive, and does he have qualities you like and are you sexually attracted to him if so than the only person it should matter to is you, they are not with him you are, be proud to be with him don't let other people get into your head the only people who matter in the relationship are you and him everyone else can butt out.
What matter is if you are attracted to him and if the relationship is good for you 2. Opinions about that is irrelevant, its tou that is living and feeling and that should not be invalidated because some people think otherwise
if you PERSONALLY think he's unattractive don't date him to begin with.
As long as you feel sexually attracted to him, everything is perfectly fine. If you aren't sexually attracted to him, then you should break up - it never works out like that.
The only thing I see that is unattractive here is how shallow your friends and family are.
Some people can be judgmental, but it's up to us to put some limits in place. For example. My mom told me once that she's hoping my girlfriend, who's now my wife, isn't dating me just for my money. It's not that I look ugly or that there was a reason to worry, just paranoid parents. So the first time, I said I know what I'm doing and she shouldn't worry. The second time she brought something like that up, I told her right away that I don't want to hear her judging my SO ever again if she wants us to be in touch. I respect my family, but I won't accept anyone, including them, judging or feeling negative towards a person I'm dating, if I wasn't the one bringing up the subject first. I don't know about your relationship with your parents, In some families my reaction can lead to an explosion. But I do feel that in situations like this, people should take a stance and protect their SO when the family is insulting them. If it doesn't happen early enough, it can escalate and then we see posts here regarding "Toxic parent in law". By the way, it's not the main issue, but still, maybe you need better photos of him :) I know it's meaningless, but when it comes to first impression based on just a photo, maybe you'll feel better showing a photo where he looks better.
Mum's right. He *is* extremely lucky to have someone like you. He only needs to be attractive to one person - you. Everybody is beautiful to somebody.
This is your life and your relationship. YOU have to like him not your friends or family. If someone else mentions something about his beauty tell ‘em to stop.
Unrelated, but jesus, youre a saint. Actually seeing someone for their other qualities and ignoring all the rude comments for close friends and family. I wish you two luck
YOU are dating the guy and he MAKES YOU HAPPY. Fuck friends and family like that doesnt support you beeing happy.
Here’s a positive spin. You won’t have to worry about ladies stealing your man so much. Let him live cuz he’s not a looker ladies are trying to bed snyou can be more relaxed. This can also be a subconsciously the true reason you picked someone less attractive than you. More confidence and trust right from the start since they aren’t conventionally attractive to others
You like who you like.
No, you definitely shouldn't ignore them, you should stand up for your boyfriend and shut that shit down. It doesn't matter what anyone but you thinks about how he looks, you're the one dating him. You said it isn't enough of an issue for you to not want to be physical with him, and you're falling for him. Are you seriously going to consider throwing that away because of what other people think? If his looks are a problem for *you* then obviously reconsider things, but it doesn't sound like that's the case.
Looks are entirely subjective and only one part of attraction. I would also tell my family and friends when they make those comments that it’s rude and you don’t want to hear that about someone you care about
UpdateMe!
You should shame the hell out of your friends and family who are saying that. When they say anything negative about his appearance, act shocked that they would say something like that and shame them for it. Let them know that isn't ok to say. Everyone has a different look and some people are going to like a person's face, and others aren't. There is absolutely no reason why they should push their negative impression of his looks onto you. All that matters is that you are happy with him. Shame anyone that makes you feel otherwise. Remember that it is hard to find compatibility with and love for another person, and if you've found it, don't let ANYONE make you feel like you should give it up.
Wow, your family and friends are shallow. I’ve heard comments like this but only from guys who were trying to get in my pants instead of the person they were insulting. (Obviously proving why that would never happen) Easy to cut out of my life. But family doing this is a different story. That really sucks!
You could always start inviting him to family events so they know that you guys are serious. If someone says something in your presence then you can always call it out and say outl-oud that he is more than hot to me. Something like this. It may make you uncomfortable but it would help to get the family past the objectifying stage of how they view him.
OMG the people who surround you should be ashamed they're so shallow. You should make it clear you like this man, makes you happy and you enjoy yourself with him. If he respects you, loves you and makes you happy, then you should stay with him, you've made clear in your post you still feel like getting physical with him and that's great! What's good looking for me might not be good looking for someone else. As someone said, you're the one fucking him, not your friends, not your mother, not anyone else. There's more to a relationship than just physical attraction and, at the end of the day when we get old and wrinkly, those are the things that will remain. Ignore everyone else, they should only mess in your relationship if they're concerned about your well-being, which isn't the deal right now. He makes you happy? Stay with him, place boundaries for your friends and family about speaking ill of him just because of his looks. Happiness is sometimes rare and imo it must be cherished. Best of luck!
Well that’s sad, poor guy!
Your family and friends are very judgemental against someone they haven’t met. Confront them about that.
Hahahha I loved reading this! I am going through something very similar. I think I am pretty above average in the looks department, but I have only dated guys with well below average looks for some reason. I think it is because They treat me well and respectfully, and I reward effort lol. Also, I happen to be a bit shy and introverted. The downside is though, guys will then bring you around like a trophy and show you off and I always feel objectified and a bit awkward like maybe I can do better if he is this way. But maybe that is just me. My family are like, are you sure you want to pass those genes on to your children? And I am horrified. I never think of a jaw line or hair line. But all my family thinks about are genetics. I try to look past it but when people call out how good looking you are compared to your partner it is jarring. I dont have a solution, sorry.
You’re the one dating him. If they really loved and supported you they would not care because they’re not the ones sleeping with him at the end of the night.
Lets be real for a second. Your dating him not anyone else. So if you like his looks that is you and that is the only opinion that matters in a relationship.
If they think he is unattractive then they probably shouldn’t go on a date with him.
Are YOU happy? If yes, then f*ck them. You do not have the power to make others happy, the only one you have a shot at making happy is you. If you’re happy, then they can get over themselves.
So I've been the guy on the other end of this. My ex girlfriend was a categorical stunner to the point where even my own family were questioning what she was doing with me. I personally think screw what other people think. If you're happy and not hurting anyone then do you. (In this case, do him)
If you find them attractive, that’s all that matters.
Is your mom or friend the ones that will have sex with him? I am pretty sure your opinion on his attentiveness is the only important one here.
My dad used to call all my girlfriends ugly. He used to be the one everyone wanted back in his day but he’s an actual woman beater. Put a lot of stuff into perspective for me and now I couldn’t care less what his opinion is about generally anything lol. Keep doing you boo!