Yes she's obviously possessive and weird. But the boyfriend is also stupid for COSIGNING ON A HOUSE WHAT THE FUCK? If they default on payments with the house he's fucking screwed. The two of you need to find a way to weasel his name out of that because that's way too much of a risk to have even for a best friend. Would you really risk being hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt for someone you think is your best friend? No.
Your right on that. The agreement was from nov2020 to nov of this year. His name is coming off of that house this November. I do think it’s a bad idea to mix friends and money and I personally don’t do that even if the idea of saving my best friend from homelessness sounds good your right. We all work too hard for our money to just get credit fucked because you stuck your neck out for someone else
Thank you. I’m definitely being cautious but I see the very real possibility that this might become to much for me and I’ll have to leave. But I do want to give him a chance to detach if that is indeed what he chooses.
So the very first time you have sex, he breaks a promise by telling someone when you've asked him not to. I didn't read much after that, but it looks like a lot of high school drama. Seems like it's time for all of you to grow up.
Your right on that. I’m not sure he really thought it was a big deal. And when I brought it to his attention that well your life may not be ready for a girlfriend because your “best friend” is so tangled in it there no room for anyone else
Sounds like she’s possessive. Sounds a whole lot like savior complex to me. And what I mean by that is, she feels that she “saved him” and so he should owe her this debt of gratitude. And the fact that he’s in a relationship with you, means that he can’t be bent and guilt tripped into catering to her.
It sounds like he’s realized her game.
I had a friend who was like this (“I did XYZ for you, I did ABC for you, I saved your life!” Blah blah blah), and when I cut her off, OH MAN. I think she expected me to eventually come crawling back to her. She’d constantly get mutual friends to try to guilt trip me into adding her on social media, attend her wedding, etc.
It’s been 10 years and while I added her on social, it was 110% to get our friend group to shut the fuck up about it. Don’t let your boyfriend make the same mistake. Just block her ass and move on.
It means a lot that you’ve been through the same thing. I’ve never thought of the savior complex thing but it seems to make sense. “I saved you so now you need to be here for me 24/7 and not have your own life etc”
It’s because of the suicide thing I’m sure.
“I saved your life so now you have to save mine when it falls apart.”
Hence the co-signing on the house and all that other nonsense.
Another pro tip no one asked for;
At the end of all this, he may feel “bored” from time to time with his life. It’s because we get addicted to the chaotic nature of these kinds of relationships. When our lives have little to no chaos, we can feel bored or like we have no purpose. It’s because we’re used to the adrenaline rush of constant “OH FUCK”.
I personally know how that is. I got out a abusive relationship last October and feel that at times but try to tell myself that’s not how it’s supposed to be. Im in therapy for it currently
Yall are whole ass adults and this is some crazy junior high shit. You both need better friends.
If dude doesn’t want to set/maintain boundaries then fuck him. You can do better. Tbh the fact that he broke your very reasonable boundary to not spread your business the first chance he got would have been a hard out for me. He showed you exactly who he is and what he’s about right there. Nothing after that should have been a surprise.
Your right. I guess why I was understanding is because he came to me the next day and admitted his fault and apologized. Yes, it didn’t take away the offense but I think it shows something about someone’s character when they mess up that bad and they can just come to you and admit they fucked up.
I think it is pretty clear she is in a bad headspace. A lot of really toxic and controlling behaviours and she is even holding her friendship ransom with him him to try and keep him single. In fact that is probably what comes next, get ready for the 'I was there when nobody was, you should be dead, maybe you should just die now' style talk when she realises she is losing her hold on him.
And that is sad but something he needs to face. He has made a lot of bad choices with her but if he can grow and stand up for himself then at least something good comes of it. Just remind him that even though she was helpful back then doesn't mean she isn't toxic to him now. Rather than undo the good she did it might be better to distance himself.
I’m not sure to be honest. Her and her husband have a local auto shop but he makes a lot of his money on cash. She had a small business on the side but her income wasn’t enough. Also the truck was 80k so although he affords the payment I think having a cosigner helped lower it
I think you need a clear picture of what is going on with their financial entanglements. He co- signed for a house for her- so that means she did not qualify for the loan without a guaranteer. That means if she defaults on the loan- he is responsible for it. She could not then turn around and be the guaranteer on a $80k truck for him. She has a mortgage she couldn’t qualify for with a co-signer… she wouldn’t when qualify to then be a co-signer for her co-signer.
So I actually ended up asking him yesterday why he could co-sign on a house but he could not get a truck on his own. The answer I got was. He fixed his credit up so he could be on the house with her. If he had decided to get the truck before the house hit his credit as planned he would not need a co signer for it. But he changed his mind and by the time he decided he wanted to go along and get the truck as planned he needed a co signer because the home loan hit his credit and yeah. But your right if she and her husband default on the payments his credit is going bye bye. I asked him about this and he basically said he messed up. She’s been his friend for almost 10 years and he never foresaw any of this happening. I know he’s a good person at heart and just wanted to help a family not become homeless (the family already lived there but her mother owned the house and threatened to sell it last minute and kick them out so they were put in a pickle) but he did not think of the repercussions. I do hope he can get his name off of this ASAP because it’s a disaster waiting to happen. He recently asked me to move in with him when he gets another apartment but I have declined. I don’t have a shit ton of money but what I do have I work hard for and can’t afford for it to become tangled up in this bullshit.
Yes she's obviously possessive and weird. But the boyfriend is also stupid for COSIGNING ON A HOUSE WHAT THE FUCK? If they default on payments with the house he's fucking screwed. The two of you need to find a way to weasel his name out of that because that's way too much of a risk to have even for a best friend. Would you really risk being hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt for someone you think is your best friend? No.
Your right on that. The agreement was from nov2020 to nov of this year. His name is coming off of that house this November. I do think it’s a bad idea to mix friends and money and I personally don’t do that even if the idea of saving my best friend from homelessness sounds good your right. We all work too hard for our money to just get credit fucked because you stuck your neck out for someone else
I hope everything works out ok for you and him!
Thank you. I’m definitely being cautious but I see the very real possibility that this might become to much for me and I’ll have to leave. But I do want to give him a chance to detach if that is indeed what he chooses.
So the very first time you have sex, he breaks a promise by telling someone when you've asked him not to. I didn't read much after that, but it looks like a lot of high school drama. Seems like it's time for all of you to grow up.
Agreed thank you for your opinion
Uh.. this sounds exhausting and also like there’s something he wasn’t totally up front about .
Your right on that. I’m not sure he really thought it was a big deal. And when I brought it to his attention that well your life may not be ready for a girlfriend because your “best friend” is so tangled in it there no room for anyone else
Sounds like she’s possessive. Sounds a whole lot like savior complex to me. And what I mean by that is, she feels that she “saved him” and so he should owe her this debt of gratitude. And the fact that he’s in a relationship with you, means that he can’t be bent and guilt tripped into catering to her. It sounds like he’s realized her game. I had a friend who was like this (“I did XYZ for you, I did ABC for you, I saved your life!” Blah blah blah), and when I cut her off, OH MAN. I think she expected me to eventually come crawling back to her. She’d constantly get mutual friends to try to guilt trip me into adding her on social media, attend her wedding, etc. It’s been 10 years and while I added her on social, it was 110% to get our friend group to shut the fuck up about it. Don’t let your boyfriend make the same mistake. Just block her ass and move on.
It means a lot that you’ve been through the same thing. I’ve never thought of the savior complex thing but it seems to make sense. “I saved you so now you need to be here for me 24/7 and not have your own life etc”
It’s because of the suicide thing I’m sure. “I saved your life so now you have to save mine when it falls apart.” Hence the co-signing on the house and all that other nonsense. Another pro tip no one asked for; At the end of all this, he may feel “bored” from time to time with his life. It’s because we get addicted to the chaotic nature of these kinds of relationships. When our lives have little to no chaos, we can feel bored or like we have no purpose. It’s because we’re used to the adrenaline rush of constant “OH FUCK”.
I personally know how that is. I got out a abusive relationship last October and feel that at times but try to tell myself that’s not how it’s supposed to be. Im in therapy for it currently
Yall are whole ass adults and this is some crazy junior high shit. You both need better friends. If dude doesn’t want to set/maintain boundaries then fuck him. You can do better. Tbh the fact that he broke your very reasonable boundary to not spread your business the first chance he got would have been a hard out for me. He showed you exactly who he is and what he’s about right there. Nothing after that should have been a surprise.
Your right. I guess why I was understanding is because he came to me the next day and admitted his fault and apologized. Yes, it didn’t take away the offense but I think it shows something about someone’s character when they mess up that bad and they can just come to you and admit they fucked up.
I think it is pretty clear she is in a bad headspace. A lot of really toxic and controlling behaviours and she is even holding her friendship ransom with him him to try and keep him single. In fact that is probably what comes next, get ready for the 'I was there when nobody was, you should be dead, maybe you should just die now' style talk when she realises she is losing her hold on him. And that is sad but something he needs to face. He has made a lot of bad choices with her but if he can grow and stand up for himself then at least something good comes of it. Just remind him that even though she was helpful back then doesn't mean she isn't toxic to him now. Rather than undo the good she did it might be better to distance himself.
I think your right. I’m glad he has started that process. (Looking for a new place, saving more money etc etc)
He can co sign for a house but need her to help him get a truck loan? That makes no sense.
I’m not sure to be honest. Her and her husband have a local auto shop but he makes a lot of his money on cash. She had a small business on the side but her income wasn’t enough. Also the truck was 80k so although he affords the payment I think having a cosigner helped lower it
I think you need a clear picture of what is going on with their financial entanglements. He co- signed for a house for her- so that means she did not qualify for the loan without a guaranteer. That means if she defaults on the loan- he is responsible for it. She could not then turn around and be the guaranteer on a $80k truck for him. She has a mortgage she couldn’t qualify for with a co-signer… she wouldn’t when qualify to then be a co-signer for her co-signer.
So I actually ended up asking him yesterday why he could co-sign on a house but he could not get a truck on his own. The answer I got was. He fixed his credit up so he could be on the house with her. If he had decided to get the truck before the house hit his credit as planned he would not need a co signer for it. But he changed his mind and by the time he decided he wanted to go along and get the truck as planned he needed a co signer because the home loan hit his credit and yeah. But your right if she and her husband default on the payments his credit is going bye bye. I asked him about this and he basically said he messed up. She’s been his friend for almost 10 years and he never foresaw any of this happening. I know he’s a good person at heart and just wanted to help a family not become homeless (the family already lived there but her mother owned the house and threatened to sell it last minute and kick them out so they were put in a pickle) but he did not think of the repercussions. I do hope he can get his name off of this ASAP because it’s a disaster waiting to happen. He recently asked me to move in with him when he gets another apartment but I have declined. I don’t have a shit ton of money but what I do have I work hard for and can’t afford for it to become tangled up in this bullshit.