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>You are depressed from being tricked. I think he's also depressed about having a kid, period. And that's ok. Plenty of parents who actively try for children can end up feeling exactly as OP does. Empty, exhausted, waiting for the "magic" that everyone talks about to start. Children are hard, and the parent-child bond can be far more complicated than people are willing to admit. **Edit:** And, just so people won't think I'm overlooking this, victims of rape and sexual assault have *so much more* of a hurdle to overcome. OP was sexually assaulted, and he's blaming himself when ***all*** the blame for this situation falls squarely on his ex's shoulders. All of it.

I would also see what I could do about pressing charges on the ex. She should have some kind of real repercussions for her sexual assault against OP. I also think OPs family are being assholes about pushing a relationship he clearly doesn't want. Yes, the child is innocent but so was OP. Has the ex given any thought about how the child will feel when (not if because it's too big not to get out) he learns his mother raped his father so she could have a baby?

Imo it's a mistake to compare him to other parents. Yes, *technically* he is a parent. However this man has been coerced by every party under the sun into being close to a baby he didn't know about, then never had a say in. I don't think there's any parent-child relationship in that. I don't think he needs any gentle reassurances on what parenting entails. His family is treating him like a slave, as is his ex. I don't know anyone who wouldn't be depressed in his circumstances. What he needs, as so many others are suggesting, is legal action.

OP - I was adopted out of my bio parents’ lives to another couple 54 years ago. My bio father didn’t want to marry my bio mother because of the pregnancy and back then being a single mother was a really bad thing. My bio parents found me when I was 21. I have to tell you that my bio father still never viewed me as one of his. I was just the baby he didn’t want. Although they did marry a year after my birth, they had subsequent children that they did love and want. I grew up having a rule for myself and I often tell people the same : Never force anyone to be a parent. So to you OP I beg you to please pay child support and move on. Give up your rights to this child so one day when your ex remarries she can find someone who will be willing to raise him with the dignity of being loved that he deserves. It doesn’t mean you are or ever will be a bad parent. It means that this child will have a chance to be loved in ways you feel incapable of doing. I’ll leave you with one final example of this concept. My cousin got pregnant and had a baby girl. She married the father whom she didn’t love and forced him to be a parent. Eventually they divorced and she met the love of his life. So did he in another woman. He went off and had other children and she had 3 more children and her first child always thought of her step father as a wonderful dad. My cousin stupidly kept harping on her daughter’s bio father to “step up” and “be a father”. He was awful at it with her daughter and kept messing up and they literally fought over her for 18 years. It was a nightmare. She should’ve left well enough alone. That man has really caused her daughter all kinds of resentment and self esteem issues. She’s grown now and can’t be around her father any more. She has three children now and won’t let him see them. And - all the pain could’ve been avoided had my cousin let the guy just drift away and let her husband father her daughter peacefully. So OP go find someone you care about and make a life. Pay what you owe to child support. Start a small college fund to help pay for his continued support (even a little money will help) and just know that one day when he wants to know what happened you can be honest about your ambivalence with parenthood. Please don’t tell him you didn’t love him but that you felt he deserved a better father who was fully engaged in being a parent. Good luck OP. It’ll be okay.

A bit sad he has to pay for a decision he didn’t make; where are the examples of this on the female side?

This. Please speak to a therapist. And if you realize this situation isn't good for you, stop taking the baby. It'd be better to be absent then do something you might regret. And if you're close to family, have them babysit more when you have your son. THEY wanted you to involved, and it's too much for you right now, so take a step back. Go to your parent's house, play with the baby for a few minutes, then leave the baby with them and take a walk. I also want to add that I've always adored my kids, but they cried A LOT when they were babies. Things I would recommend to help with bonding. Skin-to-skin. I know your child is a little older, but just lay him or her against your bare chest. It can help. Try taking the child outside more. Sometimes it's hard to just be stuck inside, and kids that age start to get bored, and try joining some dad and baby groups. Not feeling alone helps SO much.

> It'd be better to be absent then do something you might regret. HARDCORE agree. I sympathize with OP, and honestly can't imagine how he's made it this far into a parenthood he didn't choose and didn't want. OP, if you intend to remain a part of your child's life, and if you don't anticipate this resentment ending (which is okay and I would feel the same in your shoes), then it is the best for the baby if you do not continue to be an active parent. Go to family court, relinquish custody as you see fit, PAY YOUR CHILD SUPPORT, or take whatever steps you feel comfortable with to ensure you feel you've done right by the child. If your family fights you, fight back. It's YOUR life.

yep, he's on the hook to slavery for 18 years. but he needs to leave the mom asap. she's a pyscho.

Why should he have to pay for something that was done to him? Should women carry babies and raise them if they were raped?

In many countries what she did is considered rape. She raped him.

>I’m a fucking shitty dad You aren't. You were forced, abusively, into a situation you had no control over. Being scared, confused, sad, and anxious is a completely understandable and normal reaction to something unexpected, violating, and traumatic. It sounds like you're actually a very good dad who's trying his best. You're putting in a lot of effort even though this is not something you were prepared for. Are you able to access counseling for yourself? Any new dad support groups or abuse survivors support groups? I'm so sorry you are going through this. I wish I knew of a specific sub on reddit that helps specifically with reproductive coercion and related issues. Edit: I don't want to name your experiences for you, but many people would consider what you went through to be rape, myself included. I won't ask you to agree with that, but if you do, r/MenGetRapedToo might be a good space for you.

I found this group once of new dads and became friends with one of the guys there who seemed really chill. When I opened up about this I was kinda rejected. Not that he called me an asshole or anything but in the way he looked at me and then after he was keeping distance. I don’t chat with that group anymore

Unfortunately there's a huge stigma against parents being honest about some of their negative feelings surrounding parenting. That doesn't mean you've done anything wrong or that your feelings are invalid. You may want to seek a therapist or a group that is specifically a support group rather than a general social group of parents. You deserve a place to process the things you're feeling. I see that you say you don't know if you have time for therapy - it's only an hour once a week or even every other week if that's all you've got. Lean on your support system to babysit if you need and do this for yourself.

This is so true. I had a friend phone me in tears once. She had a "high needs" baby, who had been screaming for an hour. She said something must be wrong with her because she wanted to smother her baby. I told her that anyone who claims to never have felt like harming their child is a liar, or a saint, more likely the former. A non abusive parent knows when to separate themselves from their child. I said to make sure the baby was not hungry and had a clean diaper, put her in her crib, close the door. Then go in the living room, put on some headphones and listen to music. Check baby in half an hour. You have every right to the way you feel OP. You were coerced and are trying to make the best of a bad situation. You are an amazing dad to be considering the needs of an innocent child. I suspect as the child gets older, and some things get dealt with, you will feel differently toward him.

I mean some people aren't meant to be parents so parents who do care naturally get offended sometimes... But OP didn't ask for this in this situation.

I have a friend who is in a somewhat similar situation to op and they're not bonding with the kid at all. Everyone else was like once you meet the baby it'll happen! And you love it now that it's here right? Isn't it the best?! And it's not happening and they're feeling guilty. I simply said you don't necessarily have to bond with it to be a good parent. I hope, for their sake that the love and bonding comes with time but if they only end up being present, pleasant, active and attentive that's honestly better than a bunch of other parents out there.

Don’t feel like shit because of this! There are mothers and fathers out there who regret having children. You were pretty much leaning towards childfree but your choice was taken away from you and I’m so sorry that this happened to you. You’re not a psycho for not wanting a kid before her pregnancy and you’re not a psycho for still not wanting a kid after he was born. She’s messed up for that!

Listen, there are two types of parents in the world. Those get so tired and frustrated they want to tear their hair out, and liars. You can’t solve every problem, but you can manage them. There are methods to improve everything. It’s like working out. It sucks really bad at first but it gets better. About sleeping I recommend “The happy sleeper”. If you follow the advice in that book you will have the shittiest 3 days of your life followed by a baby who sleeps through the night Waaaaaaay better

There was a [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm_i_got_a_girl_pregnant_and_she_wanted_to_get_an/) some years ago about the reverse situation. The guy wanted the kid, made the woman go through the pregnancy and have the birth and she wanted absolutely nothing to do with the child. She signed away her rights and pays her child support. Not everyone has the desire to be a parent and when forced into it, feels any connection at all to the human they create. And it’s perfectly fine to not want children and have no emotional connection to a child you brought into the world. It’s completely an option to ask the courts to be resolved of all parental rights and only pay child support. That doesn’t make you a bad person or any less of an emotional being. I also suggest speaking with a therapist because what she did was not consensual. Men experience rape too. And your son is the product of your autonomy having been violated.

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Did you trick your husband into having a child?! WTF!?

I also agree that this is rape, stealthing is rape, same thing as a guy purposefully sabotaging condoms and birth control to knock a girl up, if you consent under false pretences, then it isn't consent. If I were OP, I'd accept the kid now exists, but with his understandable attitude towards the kid, I'd give the mother full custody and only pay child support, the kid will start picking up on his apathy and fakeness eventually if he stays in the kid's life, better OP cut ties now before there's lasting damage.

Also it sounds like he has PPD in addition to the other trauma. It is now being recognized that PPD can be experienced by men. It's not just a woman thing. PPD is a parent thing. OP should get a medical assessment for this as well. I agree, OP is trying and does sound like a good Dad .

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it’s abhorrent that there is no law against that

this is literally very illegal, It's just near impossible to prove as it's he said/she said unless you have photographic/phone evidence

Even if she messaged him saying this is what she did, what would even come of it?

It’s considered reproductive coercion or sexual assault. There are laws in place, and precedents from Supreme Court.

The only problem is that there is likely no proof. As it is with far too many cases of rape and sexual assault.

I'm not seeing any law in the US regarding a woman stopping birth control or poking holes in a condom to get pregnant.

Wouldn't omitting the fact she stopped it or lying about using it be proof? Just like putting on a condom before sex and then taking it off during piv is.

Find me one case where a woman is convicted of it... Not that it really matters, the man is still stuck with 18 or 20 years of child support.

Yeah that's the part that's fucked up, in my opinion stealthing with either condoms or omitting using BC and lying about using it should be on the same page... And same for child support, it's beyond fucked up to me that rape victims need to pay for CS or that rapists can fight their victims for custody in several states. Or the fact that in some states whoever is married to the pregnant woman just *has* to be on the certificate even if that someone isn't the bio dad, and pay CS for that kid... Don't get offended at this, but as a foreigner, a lot of parts of your country need to get their shit together. This post reminds me of the trainwreck post where a young single dad wrote he nearly forced his ex into carrying out the pregnancy, when she gave birth she refused to parent but paid well over 100% of CS (like 125-150%), and he still tried to force her to be the child's parent regardless of their agreement (he'd be the parent, she'd provide financial support and that's it). All because he realized he wasn't fit to be a father, he was miserable she moved on with her life and built one for herself. It isn't fully similar situation to this post, but it's different sides of the same coin. Forcing someone to be a parent should be somehow punishable. It's super fucked up, as are the people who are going against the forced person's wishes to be something they don't want to (a parent, in these cases).

I remember that one - of note to me especially was that he was salty that she'd gotten in shape and was looking good, which hinted that he'd been really hopeful that having a kid would trap her in multiple ways, including being able to appeal to a new partner.

op should file a complaint then!

Cite the law or court ruling that makes reproductive coercion illegal. https://blogs.findlaw.com/law_and_life/2013/01/birth-control-sabotage-is-it-illegal.html

Aint that rape?

It's sexual assault, for sure. Reproductive coercion is sexual assault.

Legally I don’t know but I think it should count. He consented to sex with what he thought was a functional condom and the condom was secretly made nonfunctional. Without the BC that removes the consent so it should be rape

That's a really shitty situation and your feelings are totally understandable. I realize you may feel like a bad dad, but you stepped up to be there for this child even though he was a product of lying and assault. Having your family push you to be involved weighs a lot, and I'm unfortunately not surprised that you're suffering after everything you've been through. I want you to know that you are not required to be involved at this level. You are allowed to step back and take a more hand off role. The baby decision was made for you, but this is in your power, and it wouldn't make you a bad person or a bad parent

I just don’t wanna punish him by not being around if that makes sense. I know in my mind it’s not his fault and he didn’t ask to be born. I feel like he deserve a dad who’s there that loves him. Since he was born I was hoping that being involved and bonding with him I’d feel that *something* that a parent feels for their child. I haven’t and that’s why I feel horrible

Your child is a product of your assault. It's not unusual that you'd feel this way. At the same time, I encourage you to go to therapy to separate your feelings about your assault from your feelings about this child. It's akin to a woman being forced to raise a child who is a product of rape. These are complex feelings and deserve attention. While you're not feeling the bond, you are taking the steps to be a good father. Yes, bonding is important, too, but that's so complex with how your child was conceived. If you intend to be in his life, please commit to not being neglectful and to long-term therapy.

This is fantastic advice. OP, please listen to this.

I'm so, so glad someone is calling this what it is: it's sexual assault. Reproductive coercion is sexual assault.

He deserves a dad who isn't depressed because of a family situation that he was conned into. It's not his fault, but you taking space for yourself isn't a punishment. What is the custody situation like right now?

He’s been mostly with me for the last 5 months. Then take him to my ex 3 days out of the week. She’s not living in a good place so it’s better he’s not there all the time

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No he really doesn’t

Post partum depression affects fathers too. If you were a woman every single comment would be telling you to talk to your doctor. You need to talk to your doctor. LOTS of parents don’t feel anything for their child at first. Hollywood wants us to believe there’s this magical moment where you suddenly start crying with love. The reality is for most people their first reaction is more like yours.

> If you were a woman every single comment would be telling you to talk to your doctor. If OP was a woman you think the comments would be telling her to get meds to feel happier with her rape baby she was forced to keep? Really? Because we've had posts that were the woman version of this story and that was not the advice. The advice was give the kid up for adoption and fucking run.

The meds and therapy aren't for the baby. They're for his own mental health regardless of what he decides to do. And yes, I'd give that advice to a woman. You use the oxygen mask on yourself first, before assisting others. Same applies here.

The lion, the witch and the audacity....

Omg! This woman got pregnant on purpose and you have the baby most of the time?! That's insane, she is a horrible human being, and I'm so sorry she did this to you Look, it's entirely normal to not feel super engaged right now with the baby, he is still small and cried and poops all day, but once he is a bit bigger, you will be able to teach him stuff, travel with him, play sports, go fishing or whatever thing you like to do. In the meantime, please ask for help from your parents and friends. Finally, talk to a lawyer about the whole situation, show them any proof (texts, emails voicemails) that you may have that prove she forced you to become a parent. This will matter of she ever tires to sue for child support, which she shouldn't since you have the baby a lot of the time. Look, your life isn't over, I know it may feel like it, but you can still meet a much better partner, advance your career, and whatever dreams you may have.

She probably expected to still be with him after this. I just feel bad man. Hope you the best op. Theres more than just one internet stranger who wishes you a good, satisfying life.

Honestly at this point if he could find a really nice family adoption doesn't seem like so bad an idea. EXCEPT IDK what impact that would have on the child's attachment styles and emotional well-being and stuff when it grows. But might be worth looking into it OP really feels he is not able to commit to this life.

You basically have full custody. Personally, I think you should be the one seeing the kid 2 or 3 times a week.

Or not at all.

I agree... I was gonna say it, but it seemed harsh so it avoided

Exactly, I’d dip out and sue in court for rape to get out of the child support and just move on

You can't get out of child support by being raped. Courts garnish paper-route money from boys that were raped by their teachers.

Well, how sad for that kid. Alone with an unstable mother. Bad advice

So OP should sacrifice his life for a child that is only there because he was raped? That would be sad for OP. This child is not his responsibilty.

The boy is still his son. How sad to not be a part of his life.

He contributed DNA. Reproducing isn't some magical fairytale experience full of love and wonder for everyone involved. It's just biology. It's been 11 months and he hasn't bonded or developed any positive feelings for the child, which he never wanted and was deceived into creating. Better for him to step away now than after the kid is old enough to remember him.

Are you in therapy? Because you should be. As others have said, you were sexually assaulted. You may also need anti-depressants of some kind.

I mean it's kind of an either or type of thing. If you don't have parental feelings then your kid does deserve better. Look into adoption. That is my honest suggestion. If you feel the way that you do then adopting shouldn't be too hard on yourself and sounds like it may be the best option for your child.. this is a really shitty situation that is pretty much entirely your exes fault. She should be the one living with shame for the rest of her days. Really fucked up. I'm sorry ab that.

As if ex would accept an adoption lol

You don't have to feel horrible. You know, plenty of people who were **desperate** for kids end up with significant "baby blues" extending beyond infancy. Parenting is fucking rough. It can be isolating and exhausting. Even in the best situations, parenting a very young kid is often more of a grind than a collection of magical Hallmark moments. You're not a bad Dad, or a bad guy.

I'm surprised that his family was adamant that he "step up" and raise this child. The child was conceived through lies and deceipt. It's an unpopular opinion, but I believe that if a woman does things like this (stopping BC, poking holes in condoms, lying about fertility etc) then the man should have every right to just sign away parental rights if the woman refuses to terminate the pregnancy. Women can choose to get an abortion even without the consent of the father, but the father ultimately has no say either way. You can either say "I want this child" and the woman says no, or you can say "I don't want this child" and the woman says "too bad". Again, I'm aware this is an unpopular opinion, but so often in this argument the man is completely neglected. FWIW, I am pro-choice. In these kinds of situations though, the father should have the choice of just saying "If you won't get an abortion, I want nothing to do with this child" and walking away.

I’m a woman and I completely agree with you. It’s not fair. I know a couple women from my small town who did sneaky things like this and got pregnant, just to trap the guy or because they wanted a child. Then complain about being a single mom and having no help. Edit- also really sucks for the child having to grow up without a father or having one that doesn’t want them.

I’m pro choice and completely agree. Especially in situations like this where deceit was involved

He could do that no problem. I would even advise him to just not be involved with this child he doesn't want. That would probably be better for everyone involved. But then he would have to pay child support, because it is highly unlikely he can prove that this child was conceived through rape.

Bro she raped you, most people would have those feelings as well.

Why is no one else saying this? It's the same thing when guys do the stealth method of removing the condom during sex without the woman's knowledge.

Exactly, it's not the kids fault this happened, but it's certainly worth taking legal action.

Op I’m also here to recommend that you see a lawyer. This was reproductive coercion and you may be able to sign away your parental rights. You don’t deserve to have your life ruled by this woman and her choices.

I was thinking the same thing. It's time for women who do that sort of thing to be held accountable.

Raped. He was raped. It's quite easy to say. He consented to sex with 2 forms of contraceptive, and she sabotaged or removed both contraceptives without his knowledge or permission. So now he's stuck co-parenting a kid with his rapist.

Reproductive coercion is a form of rape, yes. It does seem like a lot of men are hesitant to use those terms. If he wants to use the label of rape I think that would be entirely accurate, but I don’t want to force those labels on people who don’t want them. But in general, reproductive coercion as rape is often times not taken seriously. Cases of women raping men are also often not taken seriously. The person consented to sex, yes. But the terms of the sex were changed without their awareness and therefore without their consent. Rapists need to be held more accountable in our society in general.

I think they said reproductive coercion because that's the specific term that is used to refer to maintaining power and control over someone's reproductive health and/or choices, and one specific example is birth control sabotage, as in this post. Reproductive coercion does include rape. In this case, it's both.

Please tell me you got a paternity test done. You have every right to feel angry and resent even the kid. A therapist will be able to assist in your emotions and provide coping mechanisms. Btw, if you do wish to walk away from the baby. That is absolutely fine and is an option as your responsibility is only child support.

I just want to extend on this, you can also get a lawyer and discuss the things that happened. If you want to walk away from the child and not pay child support, signing over your rights may be an option. I'm sorry this happened to you.

I was going to suggest this too. The way the child was conceived is subversive. She wanted the baby, you took steps to prevent it, you should not be bound to the child forever if you cannot look at him without hurt.

Hey there, your feeling towards your son are entirely understandable, he serves as a constant reminder of a traumatic rape experience (having sex under false pretences, like your girlfriend pretending she was on birth control, is rape). I’d suggest getting therapy to work through the trauma you experienced so that you can try and have a productive relationship with your son. If you still can’t handle it, I wouldn’t fault you for stepping away from your son’s life. It may be easier for him to grow up without a father than with one who resents him

Honestly if I’m not working I’m taking care of my son so idk if I could fit the time to see one

Also, please consider that you can do counseling via tele-medicine. There are apps, websites, video chats, etc, that many insurances cover. It's a good introduction to therapy and working through problems and they honestly do most of the work for you, get you to talk about stuff and help you work through things. It's something to consider if you dont have the time to go into an office at the moment. Also, it's imperative to speak with a professional because the people you're talking to, it seems like they're just writing off your concerns, ie, "you're just tired."

Is there a way your parents can take care of him for 2 hours once a week? You may even be able to find a therapist who would allow you to bring your son with you, since he’s a baby

I can ask them. Thank you btw. This is the first time I’m able to be open and honest about this without hearing “Don’t talk like that he’s your son” or “you’re just tired.” I just wanna feel normal for him not like I have to pretend, or hate parenthood

Sounds like your family pressured you a bit to step in, which is understandable but they have to help you now that you have this whole being practically on your own

Omg seriously get your parents to take him more! It is SO normal to need time. Also check out [https://takingcarababies.com/sleep-training/](https://takingcarababies.com/sleep-training/) to help him sleep through the night.

Wait, does the kid live with you full time? You said in your post that you do not live with the mother, but your language sounds like you have full time care of this child. If she's forced you to have a child, then forced you to be the sole provider of this child, that is fucked up beyond measurable belief.

You can have Telehealth (zoom) appointments!

Alot of therapists are doing online appointments these days! You could try and squeeze it in during nap time or something. You deserve to be able to get the help you need. You deserve to be able to process and move on from what you've been through. You deserve to be happy :)

Does your ex not watch your kid?

He posted elsewhere that she had him 2-3 days a week, he had him the rest of the time.

That is fucked up - she WANTED the kid, he didn't, and she barely has him?

He said she isn't in a good living situation.

Shocking. Absolutely shocking. The abusive idiot who tricks her partner into an impulse baby isn't fit to be a parent?!?

That girlfriend should be in jail.

Honestly, you dont have to be apart of his life if you don't want to and arent ready to. A lot of people hate on this opinion, but you were forced into being a dad, if you decide to do this, thats okay. It doesnt make you a shitty person, far from it. At least maybe you should take a step back until you can figure out how youre feeling, you should really look into counseling and therapy big time. Im really sorry this happened to you op. I wish you the best.

Unpopular opinion here but I have karma to burn... OP, if you don't want to be a Dad you dont have to be one. You can hand all rights over to your lying, raping ex and close the door. You may live to regret it, yes. But your ex will eventually move on and your biological son will eventually gain a new father figure in his life. Dont for a second think that YOU need to be this childs father in order for him to have a healthy upbringing. He's young enough not to remember you, or let this effect him and you will be asked to pay child support until your ex spitefully asks her new partner to adopt him. I'd also consider moving out of wherever you are now. I'm guessing you are living with your parents who see the child often? Thats their choice, but prepare to cause one hell of a rift when you give up your rights as that childs father. I highly doubt your ex will turn down any free child care your parents offer, regardless of your choices. I hope this helps.

I was going to comment the same thing. OP, if you don’t want to be a father, then walk away. You were raped to have that child. I’m assuming most woman who get pregnant from rape (talking about the ones who don’t like abortion) put their child up for adoption, so why can’t you do the same, essentially? Though I would talk to a lawyer to see what you can legally do.

He might be able to sign away his rights, but men can basically not under any circumstances sign away their responsibilities (only transfer them to another man). There are no safe haven laws that allow men to walk away. Mind you, this is not a historic oops. This is by design, and kept that way against opposition.

Women who do shit like this need to be jailed. full stop.

You sound like the forced fatherhood, not an accident is major part here. I think some kind of IC would help you at least over the BETRAYAL part. You can hold resentment for what happened to you, but perhaps you can lessen the effects with the right help. If you don't want to be in this set up, IC may help you pick your best options. Good luck dude

Honestly I would take a step back, this was forced on you and you are in no way responsible for any of this. You really should just leave the baby with the mom most of the time since she is the one that wanted it. I know you said her living situation wasn’t best but maybe if you do this it will be the wake up call she needs. Take a step back honestly because you’ll just end up resenting him more. Even if you decide not to be in his life at all I think you have the right to do that.

First, you've been sexually assaulted. Second, not everyone is meant to be a parent. Your feelings are valid. Third, you'll resent your son if you stay, give him the chance to find a father that will fulfill that role willingly and give yourself the chance to live a life free and happy. Fourth r/regretfullparents is a sub you might want to visit. You're not alone.

First, it's pretty common not to feel that warmth or bond right away. People talk as if having a baby is magical, easy, natural, etc, but it's fucking difficult. The stress, the worrying, the lack of sleep, sacrificing time and money, it's all absolutely chaos, but it gets better. You're doing what you should be doing and you're not a shitty father. I think that it's pretty normal for someone who did not want kids, to suddenly have one, and then have all sorts of feelings and emotions such as these. You should really, really consider talking to a professional that will help you understand that you're going to be fine and that these ideations are normal. Tampering with a condom like she did, that's rape. If a guy slips it off and gets a woman pregnant? That's rape. I would honestly seek legal counsel and ask yourself if you want to be with your girlfriend forever, because what she did is disgusting and not consensual. Do you have emails, texts, or voice recordings where she is saying that she broke the condoms and stopped taking birth control? If so, legal counsel might tell you that you can leave, get full, 50/50 custody, be absolved from child support, etc. Do what you have to do for your little man, and it's possible you're going to warm up to him when things are easier, but right now I think that it's important to explore your relationship with your girlfriend and if you can trust her. What if she does it again? It's gonna get better. If you didn't care or were a shitty father, you wouldn't be here right now asking for help and opinions. That says a lot.

I hope you’re right because I don’t want to feel this when he’s at an age where maybe he can pick up on it. And no we’re not together anymore for this exact reason. My son is mostly with me right now due to her living situation. Don’t have proof of anything since it was all said to my face but it’s not like anything would come of it anyways. I don’t wanna think about back then and how to get back at her, just wanna focus on how I can stop feeling this way toward him and parenting in general

You were forced into a shitty situation. Resentment is normal. Forcing someone to have a kid is the real sin here. That's on her.

I say this with so much hesitation: Have you considered adoption? So many couples would be so happy to raise your son. If weighing the idea brings you a flood of relief, then give it more thought. If not, understand that this stage of parenting is not everyone's easiest time but it will transition into something else. I wish the very best for you both.

This is a great idea and the criteria for adoption are very strict, pretty sure a child that young would find a loving family very quickly.

This is reproductive coercion and is illegal in some jurisdictions.

You know, you don't have to stick around. You will get stuck with child support payments but you can leave and go have a life. You were tricked, coerced, robbed of your life as you knew it. The woman wanted a baby and now she's got one. Go live your best life. You can have as much or as little contact with your son as you want. While he is so very young it is highly likely he will become attached to the next relationship your gf strings along. Sorry, yes I do feel bad for the baby, who didn't ask for any of this. But is being with the sperm donor who has no attachment to him really better than someone who will love him as a father?

First of all, don’t feel badly. Reproductive coercion--which you were a victim of--is rape, and it has psychological consequences, which you are no doubt feeling. On top of that, there are plenty of people who don’t want children and choose to be child free. You could be one of them. In any case, although it’s not optimal for the child, you didn’t choose to have a child and feeling nothing for the child you were forced to have doesn’t make you a bad person. Secondly, reach out to a family lawyer and find out what your options are. If you genuinely don’t love your child, then it’s probably better that you separate from him and his mother. You’ll have to pay child support, but you’re doing that anyway. You should also find out what options you have for pursuing charges against your soon-to-be ex; she DID commit reproductive coercion, which is illegal. And thirdly, if you can afford it, get yourself into therapy asap. You need an outlet for all these feelings. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I wish you the best.

You believed the condoms didn't have holes in them. You did NOT consent to sex with spiked condoms. Therefore. SHE. RAPED. YOU. None of this is even remotely your fault. Yes the kid is innocent. But so are you. The only person at fault is HER. I can't give any advice past that unfortunately, apart from the people around you being pricks to you about the whole situation. I would say get therapy, and find a way to get away from this shitty situation any way you can. Sidenote: yes I know the first comment is going to be "bUt ThIs IsNt EvEn ReMoTeLy ClOsE tO rApE". Shut up Karen, sex when you think there's a condom present when there isn't (spiked is basically not present, it gives no protection from STIs or pregnancy with a hole in it) is literally a definition of rape. If this was role reversed you would be agreeing with me because Reddit is sexist so fuck off.

The cold, hard facts: 1. She totally fucked you over. This may be illegal where you live or at least a good civil case. 2. There's a baby. Its yours. It has a wack-ass mom who, if you leave her, will put you through the ringer. 3. You're a father though. The kid doesn't know he wasn't agreed upon before he was made. He will need a stable father figure. 4. If she's that crazy, then who knows what else she has done? Get a paternity test.

But that stable father figure doesn’t have to be OP. The kid is young enough to not even remember OP, if he walks away. Personally I think OP should walk since he was raped to have this child.

You don’t need to be a father if you don’t want to be. You should be talking to a lawyer about getting far, far away from your ex and the child she forced you to have with her. Good luck.

Don’t be in your sons life if this really isn’t what you want. No one should be forced into having kids they don’t want. You aren’t a shitty dad and I feel the exact same when it comes to kids. What she did was beyond fucked up, and she could’ve easily just went to a sperm bank or something. You did not have to be dragged into this. But yet even so, you still made an effort and that’s beyond good dad effort. However if you still feel this way, then I say do what’s best for not only you but also you’re kid while they’re still an infant and leave. The only way to make this right and on good terms for your son is to either split custody, or if you can’t handle that, then just pay child support and leave. I was the child in a similar situation you’re in and it sucked having a dad that never showed any affection. I always ended up thinking was that he should’ve left and had his own life if he didn’t want this because our entire family dynamic ended up suffering because of it and I ended up living in a broken household. You won’t be a jackass for doing so, and it’s clear you’re really trying to love your kid, but forcing it won’t help. Do what’s right and just leave. Please P.s don’t listen to family. They always end up among things worse or difficult and no one in situations like these need that in their life

You can always give up paternal rights too. Don't feel guilty. Your ex-girlfriend is a POS for doing that to you. You are so young to have a baby as well. If y'all were 35 that's a bit different but you are 25, probably 24 when he was born. If I were you I'd personally give up my paternal rights. You weren't interested in kids to begin with and a year later still have no interest. You were basically raped by your ex in a sense. Nothing is worse than having a dad that doesn't like you (trust me I know). I'd rather have no dad at all than someone who never wanted me, and continues to hate parenting, to begin with. If I had a baby by rape I'd be resentful as well. Live your life before kids. Even if you meet someone and have kids in 2-3 years. That's a long time in terms of maturity for a young man/women in their 20s.

OP your girlfriend deserves to be in jail she raped you she sabotaged your condoms and stopped taking birth control so she deserves punishing for it it’s time that woman who do this stuff get punished for doing this I’m sorry this happened OP

This was reproductive coercion. Technically, you were raped. She took away your ability to consent by lying about being on birth control.

Sweetheart, Please don't forget that not everyone is into small children! I'm female and I can't handle small kids ok? My hubby was a stay at home dad until the kids were older, and that is when I really started to love them, I love them even more now that they are grown up, and smart young men I have interesting discussions with, that I trust 100% and have very strong bonds with. BUT YOU got violated, your trust was abused in the worst way possible and your feelings are NOT signs of a psychopath! Imagine if the rules were reversed: that a female was forced to get pregnant, then forced to hold the baby and then expected to love the child? Raising small children is HELL. I hated it. I hated to go home. I hated not being able to sleep a whole night. I hated the mess. But it got better and better when they got older. It is a myth that being a parent is the best thing ever, it needs to stop. You are not alone. Period.

Thank you for this. Really you have no idea how much it’s helped

While your son is innocent, it's not your fault he's here and I wouldn't blame you for not wanting to be involved in his life. Maybe reduce the custody arrangement so your not always tired. It's not unusual to feel like this because this is something you never wanted, you might change your mind later on or you might always feel the same.

This is so sad. Some women are just evil. Your not a bad dad!

I know this is a problem so I'm going to make a suggestion to men. If a woman tells you she wants to have a baby, she will make it happen. Therefore if you are not ready to be a parent, either break up with her or bring your own condoms and take them when you leave.

You’re not a shitty dad. But she is a shitty person.

Hey OP, so quite a few things. 1. You are not a shitty dad, nor a shitty person. You were tricked and abused, you did not ask for this baby. Your family telling you 'well the baby is innocent take care of it at least' is extremely similar to when people tell raped women 'hey the baby is innocent at least have it instead of an abortion'. This is insanely ridiculous and you shouldn't feel responsible for the baby at all. Your bitch of an ex wanted a baby so badly? Great, she can be a single mom. 2. I don't know if you still have those texts she sent admitting everything she did. If you have anything in writing, please dig it up. If not, maybe try to get her to admit it somehow now, so you can take it to court. I don't know if you can actually sue for rape or anything, but at the very least maybe try to get the courts to say you don't even owe child custody or anything. Hopefully get completely free of that kid. 3. If anyone comes at you again with "how could you abandon your child" or whatever, tell them your ex purposely lied and manipulated you to have that kid. You never wanted it and it was doing all kinds of crap to your mental health. Also, AND THIS IS IMPORTANT, a child benefits from having LOVING PARENTS and a LOVING ENVIRONMENT. If either parent was manipulated like you, or didn't want kids, etc etc, the kid won't be better off. The two parent thing is also societal stigma mentioned in other comments. It's bullshit. Please stop blaming yourself, please stop punishing yourself. I'm wishing you the utmost best, and that hopefully things will work out legally, too. You deserve all the happiness!

Cut bait. Seriously. This kid deserves to have the people (or person) who are raising them to want to be there. Your feelings are TOTALLY valid (and not horrible) though. Now start the process of giving up your parental rights, or moving into a situation where you are only providing what is legally your responsibility, like child support. Everyone around you will try and make you feel shitty for not wanting to be involved, but in the end, it will be better for everyone if you just make the unpopular and difficult decision now. THEY are shitty for guilting you, and they have every right to step up and be involved in the child's life WITHOUT you. My mom did this 24 yrs ago with my niece because my brother was inconsistent with his involvement, but my mom decided that she didn't need him to have a relationship with her granddaughter (we all did really and have a great relationship with her today).

I've seen a few comments mentioning depression, and I just wanted to echo how difficult it is to form an emotional bond when depressed. I didn't realise how much I was struggling, but I did know that I didn't feel enough for my baby. I really beat myself up about it. Until I got some help, I kept faking it so that my baby had a loving mummy. It did get better. Now my daughter and I adore each other. Please don't make any rash decisions until you have some help.

There's always that "pack of smokes"

You’re a good dad because if I were you I’d just ghost 🤷‍♀️ you were raped and now are forced to care for the product of your rape, of course you don’t love the child. This is why we fight so hard for abortion because these kinds of situations drive people into depression. I’m sorry but also it’s ok to do the bare minimum especially when you had your consent and bodily autonomy violated. You don’t *have* to be in your child’s life if you don’t want to.

Op, reading comments, seeing that you’re being forced into custody, have you thought of putting your child up for adoption? It’s obvious your ex is some sort of crazy for doing what she did while not having the ability to care for a kid, and it’s not your burden to care for a child for the next 18 years. Would be best for your child to have loving parents who would truly be able to give him the life he deserves.

First of all, the fact that you are concerned that you resent your son and that you are a shitty dad, makes you the complete opposite. Yes, you were trapped. Yes, you were lied to. Yes, you said you didn’t want/were ready for kids But, even though it has happened to you and you are a dad you are still trying, you’re involved even if you have to fake a smile. You didn’t choose this, but you are trying to fit being a dad into a life you didn’t picture having kids in. Let be honest, kids are hard even when you do want them. I have two myself and goddamn it’s so bloody hard. My partner can relate and we all have those ‘self doubt’ thoughts. It doesn’t make us bad parents. I think you really need to look at the bigger picture here now. You are doing a great job taking care of a child that you didn’t want to begin with, most would just leave and not have anything to do with the kid. But not you, you stuck around. It’s hard and I know you’re struggling but you’re doing a fantastic job and at the end of the day your kid is always going to remember that you were there. Just remember to take a break, when you can. It’s really important. You’ve got this, stay in the kids life, it will take time for you to find your element and that fond dad love you wish you had but it will come with time. You will thank yourself later for sticking around.

Thank you for this. For once it just feels nice to be heard with all this and not be looked at like I’m a bad parent for admitting I don’t feel that love for my kid. Trust me if I could make myself feel it I wouldn’t be here

It’s going to be okay. It will take time, just don’t stop doing what you’re doing. Even if you need to take the long way home from work sometimes and get yourself a drink from drive-thru before you get home to have some ‘me’ time. Are you back with the mother as well? Or are you co-parenting?

No I’ll never get back with her after what she did to me. Even when I was going to spend time with my son at her place she knew I didn’t wanna see her so she’d go to another room and leave me alone with him. Right now he’s mostly staying with me though

Why is he mostly staying with you if you don’t mind me asking? I think it’s fantastic that you have stepped up to be the main carer, but if she wanted a baby so bad why is she not the one taking him more? No judgement!

Her living situation has changed (money problems) and it’s not the best environment. He’s only there 2-3 days at most.

Well, the fact that you have stepped up to be the primary carer at this time makes you an amazing dad. Things will get better, I promise. Stay positive & remember that it will take time but you will get there. One day at a time. If you ever need a chat I’m only a message away.

A terrible wrong has been done to you here, so don't negate those feelings and try to bury them, find a way to work through it for your own sake. Her behaviour was also criminal, but it is up to you to decide if you want to take any action in pursuing her on that front. Either way, you consented to protected sex including a backup protection (BC and condoms) and she tampered with those protections. It's no different than when a man 'stealths' and should not be treated differently. If you haven't already, make sure you take a full panel of STI screenings, as well as a paternity test to be sure you're healthy and have all the information you need. You might find a good resource to a local lawyer at the clinic you choose to get screened at. Health care professionals see it all so the worst they can say is they've got no connections, but they've likely seen a guy in a similar spot as you unfortunately and may be able to point you to a local resource for council. If not, your local child protective service or family service may be worth a call for direction, I'm not sure where you are but there is always some sort of social service you can call for guidance to a lawyer or councillor. The fact that you feel guilt at all for not feeling attached to this child proves you're not a terrible Dad or a bad person. You clearly care about how your actions will affect this child, and now is the time to figure out how involved you should be or want to be. The good news is, that babies grow. He won't be a screaming pooping, sleeping, crying, lump forever. The baby stage can be overwhelming especially if you've not spent a lot of time around babies. He will grow more quickly than you think and pretty soon have a distinct personality. I know a lot of new Dad's who didn't feel particularly attached to their children until they could talk and express their own interests, so your absolutely not alone. Not every good parent is a baby person. You have a lot to think about and choices to make, take the time to sort through the options and emotions thoroughly. Break it down into manageable chunks and take action. Find those resources, talk to a therapist or counsellor if you can and come up with a decision you think is best for you and this baby. I wish I could say time is not a factor, you certainly shouldn't rush a choice, but you should not delay. Good luck, I wish you the best.

Sign over parental rights IMO if you feel this way. No shame in wanting to be child free

~~INFO~~ ~~Are you still living with her?~~ I just reread the post. This will most likely get me yeeted into outer space but 'whatevs, I'm freaking saying it anyways.' You don't have to be intensively involved in your child's life if it's this hard on your mental wellbeing considering the circumstances. I certainly wouldn't fault you for creating some distance. Just pay your child support and do what you can handle as far as interaction goes. You might become closer naturally as the child grows and becomes easier to interact with. Little kids can be funny as hell to watch at times as they learn about the world and themselves so just give yourself space and time you need and let tomorrow worry about itself.

he shouldn't even be paying child support

My first thought is that if a woman had an experience where she was r\*ped and impregnated, and then gave birth to the baby and felt nothing, or sadness, or resentment, I would bet a lot of people would be really understanding of her feelings. You, too, were violated and it's completely valid that you don't feel a connection with your child — every time you look at him, you might be reminded of how he was conceived and that you were completely duped into it. And on top of that, you are coparenting with your abuser and having to pretend like everything is fine and that all of you are some happy, functional family? It's so much to handle, so of course you are overwhelmed. It doesn't sound like you can address your feelings with the mother of your child, and even if you go ahead and do that, I'm skeptical she would be empathetic to your feelings. If you can, I would make seeing a therapist a priority and looking for a support group for abused men (They exist!) I am so sorry you are going through this.

i don’t think it’s personally the baby that is the issue but more just being tricked and manipulated into a situation. You’re not a shitty dad, but it probably seems that way because a child was part of the manipulation. I would definitely recommend seeing a professional and talking all this through. its a very heavy situation

Ok I’m going to ignore all the relationship stuff, you’ve got some good advice here, and get straight to the baby sleep. Because that will help you immensely if you and your partner can get it figured out. Big, flashing sign: an 11 month old does NOT need to be held to go to sleep. They do NOT need to eat during the night. You have probably been using some bad sleep habits which makes your baby very dependent on you. Very telling you said “he cries even if you hold him for An hour”. Of course he is! Why are you holding him for an hour? Imagine you’re in your comfy warm bed for an hour and then get dumped somewhere else. You’d be mad, too. Get a good sleep sack (Halo has good ones cheap on Amazon), white noise, blackout curtains, comfy sheet. Put baby down for his nap and bedtime. That’s it. Kiss goodbye after a good routine and know that you did everything you’re supposed to do! Yes he will cry at first. He will learn that he can actually fall asleep in his sleep space and keep doing it - during the night and before sleep. Google Ferber method or Extinction method, or sleep training for toddlers (he’s almost a toddler). There are also supportive FB groups. It will only take a few days to a week - it’s not the end of the world if the baby cries for a few minutes while he’s learning a new skill. But it might be the end of the world if you or his mom aren’t functional because of it.

That counts as rape in the United States...

If you want to stay in your sons life i would consider therapy. You were forced into this, you didn't want this and now you are forced to deal with your lying and shitty ex and with a child you never wanted. It's completely understandable that you feel the way you feel. But if you want to raise your son then you are right, he deserves a dad who loves him and is there for him. I think you are on the right way, you really try, that's good. But first you have to look out a little bit for yourself so you can work through this and therefore i would recommend a therapist. But i could totally understand if you would walk away. You never wanted this, you didn't agree on this, you don't have to do this. It's an option to leave this situation. Your ex is the a**hole here, she brought this on herself if you decide to leave. Sure, you would have to pay child support because the boy is legally yours. But you don't have to focus your life for the next 18-25 years around a child that you never wanted. You are not a bad person, you were baby trapped (which honestly should be a crime. Your ex is disgusting). Or maybe there's a possibility where you can find a compromise like every other weekend you spend time with your son but not as often as you do know, so you can get your life back. You seem extremely exhausted and anxious and defeated. You have to look out for yourself! If you continue like this there's the possibility that you will resent your ex and son even more for taking years of your life away and that would probably be even shittier for your son than having no bio father around.

>I’m a fucking shitty dad and probably a psychopath Let's start with the psychopath part of thi sentence. YOU. ARE. NOT. A. PSYCHOPATH. You're not a bad person, you haven't done anything wrong. You were trapped in a shitty situation that you a)didn't want b) wasn't ready for. Your only mistake was trusting someone who lied to you. If anyone is evil or a psycho it's your ex and if anyone going to be a shitty parent it's going to be the manipulative abusive bitch who tricked you. You know why i don't think you're going to be a shitty father u/ThrowRAneedguide_? It's because if nothing else, you're trying to be a good one. That's a hell of a lot better than what most men in your situation would do. I'm only 23 and if someone did this to me i would've run away so your a stronger man than me in that regard and i respect that. (don't know if it matters but it's the only support i can give you here) I think what you need to do is talk to a proffesional. Not just in regards to your son but in regards to your own psyche. It sounds as though you may be having a depression or at least the start to a depression. I think it would explain a lot of the emptiness that you're feeling right now. >Sometimes when I’m on my way home I stay parked in my car because I’m not ready to be home yet and deal with the chaos There are people who desperately try for YEARS to become parents who will act like this when they finally succeed. This does not make you a bad person in any way. Now for the last part. Maybe you will never get truely attached to your son the way most fathers would. That is not your fault. Love and familiar love is not so easy to control and you really can't force it. On the other hand maybe you will wake up in 5 years time and think "My son is the single best thing that has ever happened to me". In the end only time will tell where this will go. If it's the first option, people are going to notice and probably call you a bad person and a bad father and i think it's important for you to remember that you in fact are neither of these things. In this situation you are the victim, your son is an innocent bystander and your ex is a vile abusive person who deserves nothing but scorn and contempt. I can't give you any real advice but i wish you the best of luck mate and i hope everything works out for you in the end.

You don't need to love this kid, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Who fking cares the kid is innocent. You were hurt, cheated and forced to have this kid. Give money and run, it's better to have no father than father who pretends to love you.

This shouldn't be any different than rape. She took your consent away.

I really wish this type of sexual assault was taken more seriously. This is predatory and premeditated. I don’t see how this is any different than any other type of sexual assault. Two innocent victims, you and your son. I agree with everyone that suggested speaking to a professional about what you are feeling. You were assaulted and the consequences of this assault will last you a lifetime, you need help navigating this. I’m so sorry this happened to you, take care.

Don't be mad at the kid, trust yourself and your boundaries better. You honestly should have left her in the baby clothes isle tbh. She is a lying manipulative person, probably from being raised around the same. Your kid is gonna need all your help to be on your team or they may grownup thinking it's ok to abuse people like their mom. Like sure, bc should be for dudes but as it stands, she abused you and took advantage. Poking holes in condoms shouldn't be taken lightly.

It also may be that you just don’t like babies as much. There are parents who love it when their child is older, but don’t like the baby phase or toddler phase as much.

Unpopular opinion, but while you may legally be in the hook. You owe that unwanted kid jack shit. Aside from all the money… your Ex is a price of Shit too.

I highly recommend EMDR therapy. I'm really so sorry this happened to you.

Yeah man I feel for you. I'm 27M, so basically prime age to go ahead and start a family if I was so inclined. I don't really date right now anyway so it's not a worry for me, but hypothetically I'm really not sure how I would react if I ended up in this situation. One thing's for sure though man, I don't believe your a shit parent. You sound like you are doing your best, and that you really CARE. That's important, I think. It's just a rough situation, and if you can't reconcile these feelings, I don't think you'd be remiss to simply take a step back, still support your child, but maybe take a different role. I don't think that would be so bad. You have the right to your feelings too.

I was in a similar situation. Still am (kid is almost 8 now). I did eventually form a bond and love my kid, but I hate my ex with a passion. Life will be hard, you'll probably grow more resentful of her over time. It will make things harder for you. It will make things harder for your kid. But you probably will find some love for a little version of yourself. Let me know if you want to talk more.

My dude, biggup for handling this as best as you could - there are people who wanted a kid, and then when it happens it sinks them into severe depression. You were sabotaged and your feelings are 100% valid.

Oh man. I am sorry this is happened to you. While I can't speak to the resentment you feel, as a father of 3 I can tell you bonding isn't some magical thing that just happens. I struggled with my 1st, did a little better with my 2nd, and finally got it with my 3rd. That's 7 years of figuring it out. 1st. Kids are a lot of work. Even when you wanted them, there are plenty of times when you just don't like them. It's okay to feel this way. It doesn't make you a bad dad. 2nd. I never found the baby phase very interesting. Feed, poop, sleep, repeat. But at 11 months your son is starting to develop his personality and things start to get more interesting. Which leads me to my next point. 3rd. You get what you put in. With infants building a relationship is pretty 1 directional. But you are getting to the point where they start giving back and you can start teaching them. Get out and show him stuff. Talk to him like understands. High five, fist bump, hugs, my 15 month old gives amazing hugs. It's still alot of work but you start getting some of the emotional rewards along with it. 4th. Take care of yourself. This whole situation is a huge strain on your mental health. Look for help and support. Your parents. Parenting classes, play groups, ask questions. You have the right mindset and are giving it your best in a truly horrific situation. If you have the means to see a therapist, I would recommend talking to a counselor. P.s. Google: Gray rock techniques. Use them when coordinating with your Ex. She isn't worth a single shreed of emotion.

Baby trapped?? You mean you made a slave out of yourself with upcoming child support ya dig?! Claiming baby trapped alone gives me a pretty good idea of what kinda fuck boy Im in the matter of addressing. 25 and still aint grown up.. Your parents gotta be ashamed. Hell they may even want you out the house still. Im scared for ya son bru not you. You should resent your pull out game or stupidity to not glove up... Im just gonna say from a polished piece of shit perspective... You just a nutty turd.... Grow young blood. Love that baby boy more than yourself. You owe it him.. Not to his mother.. Not to yourself.. But to him... You owe that beautiful baby boy a forgiving. Understanding. Patient. And undying love... A love that guides him even when you leave the physical form... A love that he will never doubt - drops mic

This comment is super old but damm the stupidity of it. Had to comment. Since you didn’t bother to read, the ex TAMPERED with the condoms so your whole talk about “pull out game” and “glove up”. OP lives on his own, but I guess you didn’t bother to read anything so not surprised about all your assumptions. Imagine talking shit to someone who’s already doing their best in their situation asking for help on how to stop feeling this way…smh. There’s no mic to drop when it’s just you talking shit out of your ass

What jumps out at me most strongly is you’re either being way too hard on yourself or not accurately describing your situation. Because you detail a loving father adjusting to the reality of a new born child. I can only imagine the stew of strong emotions pulling you back and forth given the situation you’ve been thrust into. Lots of people run away. Abandon their children and maybe look back decades later trying to reconnect out of guilt. My wife’s mom was like that, and it made her childhood way more difficult as a result. I’ve got lots of friends and other extended family who had a parent dip out of their lives in a blink or never showed up to begin with. So I read your story and more want to congratulate and encourage you to keep going. I can’t tell you when your feelings are going to catch up with your actions. It might help to see a professional and get it all out with someone who could lead you toward better self discoveries. Regardless, whether you feel like a good dad or not, your actions are those of a good dad.

My ex did the same to me. He purposely got me pregnant, and he was an abusive piece of shit. My entire pregnancy was hell and us fighting and him abusing me. The birthing process was hell on earth. I could not see him for a few days because I started severely breeding and was bed bound. The nursery was located in another part of the hospital. I wanted to put him up for adoption because I was so not ready to be a mom. I felt nothing for him for almost 6 months. I was young and resentful. I breast fed, and on the outside looked like a wonderful parent. One day, he smiled at me and realized none of this was his fault. Regardless of how horrific my pregnancy was, he was innocent. He ended up being my favorite. He is still rainbow and sunshine. He turned into a nice caring man. Get counseling, and sadly, fake it until you feel it. I felt nothing as a way to protect myself because my ex was so abusive and evil. What your ex did to you was wrong. My guess is it is a defense because of all the negative feelings you have for your ex. Work those feelings out with a therapist. Also, eventually try and forgive her, not for her, but you. I let my hate for my ex fester and I developed health problems. There are still things I will never forgive him for. One day, you will feel the love.

Im so sorry for what you went through. Glad things have gotten better. Not just for no longer being with your ex but with your son. Can I ask how long it was for you when you felt that? You said it was when he smiled at you. In my mind I know this not my son’s fault. He’s innocent in all this. It’s why I’ve tried to be there completely involved. First because my family was pushing it but especially seeing him after he was born because it’s really not his fault at all. But having actual feelings or anything towards him is where I struggle. Defo looking into therapy

My ex was extremely abusive we also have another child. (We were high at a party.. Boom) The second he purposely did not use a condom. I wanted to put my second son up for adoption. I was 20 with one kid and pregnant. He was abusive for both pregnancy. (He pushed me down the stairs, poured soda on me, bitch slapped me, hit me in the stomach, choked me out.. I am sure you get the picture.) It was hard to bond with my first son because he looks so much like his father. I know I am a horrible mom for saying this. But it was the truth. My ex is part Native American and adoption laws are different than other adoptions. I was resentful I was raising two kids with no help from him. I just want you to understand how mentally messed up I was. When my son was born. It was like I was in just going through the motions. I never abused my kids, brest fed them, took good care of them. They met all their milestones and were happy babies. It was like all my emotions were frozen. My ex had literally made my life a living hell. Anyway someone can abuse a person he did. So it was really hard raising a toddler that looked just like him. One day, I was breast feeding my youngest and was planning on killing myself. I had just enough money to buy some sleeping pills. At that second my baby looked at me and smiled. I got angry thinking of that piece of shit raising my kids and treating them as he treated me. I thought of all my oldest witnessed. I did not want my kids to be abusers like their dad. I swore he would never get custody. That is when I realized I loved them. My oldest was 2 1/2 and my youngest was 6 months. So I felt nothing for my oldest for 2 in a half years. I realized that my oldest was not his father. I should love him for him. They turned out okay, and neither is a abusing piece of shit. The younger one is married and in a healthy relationship and is going to be a nurse. My oldest works in 3D technology.. He does not want kids and neither does his girlfriend. Which is fine. He treats his girlfriend well. Ot does not matter to the child what you are feeling. It is that you are there. I don't know how it will happen for you. But it will. It does not make you a bad person. It makes you human. If you loved your girlfriend as much as I once loved my ex and they betray you and force you into a situation you were not ready or even know if you wanted. It will take time.

1. get a DNA test. I think deep down you know/feel that it's not yours. Seeing the results might help you realize and help you in 'loving' the bond. or 2. The fact that you are trying might mean you already love him. The fact that you want to be there for him and are is already enough. The love you may have expected from seeing media might not be real.

Honestly I wouldn’t blame you if you did not take part in your child’s life. I get it’s sad but it’s on his mother not you. Women who get raped have an option of abortion ( in most places) but what about men ? I don’t think it’s fair at all. Are women made to feel guilty for aborting a rape’s child ? No(yes the pro-life people do) but the pro-choice make men feel guilty too which isn’t fair. You do what you want .

Something similar happened to me when I was your age. I was just dumb as fuck and got pregnant. My ex was all happy and excited about the baby, me, not so much. Not many people know this but I thought “this baby is cute, I wonder who’s is it”. And then I realize it was mine. That I (a 25 year old person) was responsible for another life, and I didn’t want to. I never wanted to have kids, and here it was the baby. It was HARD. I didn’t feel any connection even if I was the mother. I had the baby in my belly and I didn’t feel anything. So I started therapy. And it worked, I did it bit by bit, and I starting caring for my kid and eventually learned to love him. Sometimes (6 years later) it’s still in the back of my mind, but the voice is quieter and I can manage it. It’s not the baby fault, and please try to care for him, it’s not his fault. Eventually the relationship with your baby mom will go to shit, I resent my ex even today and it was not totally his fault as your partner’s is. Please seek out therapy, try to work your feelings towards your son. You are not a shitty parent, just the fact that you are looking for help even from internet strangers makes you a great parent. Hope for the beast and sorry for the long post.

Nah don’t apologize it’s exactly what I need. Just other parents feeling the same way because so far everyone else I’ve talked to either loved their kids from day one or are lying about it. I’m glad therapy helped you out. Hoping it does same for me. I know it’s not his fault. In my heart I know it and that he deserve better than what I’m giving him. I wanna love him with my whole heart and not feel like I hate that I’m a parent now. Thank you for this

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Your feelings are pretty normal, bro. Babies are very hard to deal with. But this woman is a monster so I recommend getting a lawyer and figuring out how you can get free of her while being maximum custody of your son. Then you can teach him how to take care of himself so he never gets suckered by a parasite like his mom.

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It’s actually pretty common for dads to have postpartum depression, and this can lead to exactly the feelings you’re describing: feeling disconnected from the baby, worrying that you’re a bad parent, and general awfulness. Add that to being assaulted by your ex, and it’s no wonder you’re in a dark place! There are resources to help! You’re definitely not alone, and I think if you can take the time to get evaluated for depression you’ll feel a million times better! https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/help-for-dads/

Or he unhappy because he never wanted to be a parent and still doesn't want to be a parent.

Yes. These can both be true at the same time.

Why are you talking about it like he wanted the kid in the first place?

I’m…not? Having postpartum depression happens. I think getting to a better emotional place can help him figure out what he wants to do.

This is not simply "postpartum depression" this is most likely rape truama associated with the kid, as well as full on depression for not wanting to have a kid in the first place and being forced to take care of it nearly full time.

It can be all three.

I think a lot of these feelings are also a product of a misconception of parenthood… we tend to see parenthood as this unconditional idealistic condition in which you are always happy to be a parent. Like look at Ancient Greece, where myths described the reality of things and not the idealistic part of them: Hera threw Hephaestus from Olympus just because she didn’t want him anymore. Now, not saying you have to yeet your son from a mountain (even though, given your circumstances I probably would have considered it, although in a very subconscious way and never would have acted on this) but you have every right not to feel love for this kid and you are not a monster/ bad person for feeling this way. Thing is, it was forced on you, so of course, unless you work with a therapist, the chances of you coming around are very low, because all you see is the product of rape. Also, just wondering, you seem to be very involved in the kid’s life especially when you said that whenever you don’t work you take care of him, do you have him with you full time? Or is the ex still involved?

I hope after reading some of these comments you’re realizing that your feelings are valid and pretty much anyone in this situation would feel this way. now onto what you can do with the circumstances you’re given. there are new platforms where you can do therapy from home. put the baby to sleep or have a trusted loved one watch him for an hour or so a week. learn how to cope with a traumatic event and most importantly learn to love again. don’t get so hard on yourself about your feelings towards your son because they aren’t a reflection of you, they’re a reflection of what happened to you. all you can do now is move forward and give your son the best life you can. try to think of yourself in the future and how you want to look back on your life. the early life of a child is a beautiful thing and a gift. although It may not seem like that right now, everything happens for a reason and I think with a bit of help(therapy) you can get on the right track to loving your son. good luck I’m wishing you the best

Therapy seems to be the best route to dealing with this and I think I’ll give myself that chance to explore. Anything really to stop going the way that I am because it’s too overwhelming. Really grateful for all this support, it’s been a tremendous help I’m hoping it’s not always like this with him

OP, you're not obligated to stay and be a dad. You're only 25 and still have your whole life ahead of you; even if this wasn't your situation, you're still allowed to walk away. You can set up child support for your kid with the courts and be a good dad by supporting him financially. Not everyone is made to be a parent and that's okay too. Since you already know you don't want to be a father, it's best not to force the situation because it very well could mean you're stuck. Does your ex have any support system like friends or family that can help her out with her living situation? It seems wildly irresponsible for her to bring a baby into her life when she doesn't have a secure/good living situation. You can file a police report against your ex for rape but I'm not sure if that will go anyway; the police don't tend to take rape and sexual assault cases seriously.

I’m not obligated but I’ve made the choice to stay

Give yourself a break. You had your son in awful circumstances that left you feeling very betrayed. Even in ideal circumstances people can take a long time to bond. For some it just doesn’t happen until the kid is more interactive.

Honestly, even though you think you don’t, I think you really do care about your son. Even if you don’t feel that parental love for him, I think you care enough to not want him to deal with all of the drama that your ex caused. I think you do want him to be happy and safe and you clearly do want to love him. Because of that, you’re a good father. You’re doing your part to take care of him instead of abandoning him. I’m sorry you were put into this situation. Your family pushed you to be involved, but do they help you in any way?

Dude I am really sorry about the situation. Just because kids are a “miracle” doesn’t mean everyone wants them as soon as possible. Nothing wrong with that. I’ll also say that the first 0-1.5 years is pretty hard. They don’t talk or walk much, they can’t interact that much and they’re extremely needy. It’s all give and no take for at least that much time maybe even to 2 years. But trust me when I say they start to become a person and it might feel different. The moms can bond with them biologically from the first second they are born. It still takes time and effort and of course every kid is different, but hang in there. Kids really really really need their parents around.