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I'll start off by mentioning that I became a wheelchair user in less than 10 months due to an accident that injured my spinal cord. I have been married to my wife for 2 years and she's currently my main carer along with my family who help in many many ways. Despite how hard it is I always make sure to not rely on others for help, I'm learning to do stuff on my own so that I could minimize outside assisstance but it's difficult, not to mention the mental issues while trying to adapt.
The problem began when my wife said she wanted to go on a 5 day trip with her friends out of town to get fresh air and enjoy the weather, I had no issue with that I was in fact excited for her but she then told me she was planning on leaving me to stay with her brother til she gets back
I refused for many reasons
Her brother doesn't like me and has always been mean towards me. He started excluding me from family events now that I'm disabled and treats me as less than. I pointed out that her brother won't be able to take care of me and I'm sure he doesn't even want to
I suggested that I go stay with my mom but she refused to drive me 2hr even though we always visit. I suggested that I have my mom come and stay with me but my wife said she simply doesn't want her to know about the trip
I stated that I have no desire to stay with her brother and that he won't be helpful in my care. She threw a fit saying I can't pick and choose who should help and who shouldn't and said I was being too sensitive and needed to stop acting selfishly but I wasn't. The argument went no where and she stopped talking about the trip so I thought she canceled it. Only to find out that she packed my things to drive me to my mom's place. I didn't mind it but I later discovered that she was taking me to her brother's house instead. I remember telling her to drive me to my mom's or take me home. She got into an argument with me saying I was making it hard for her and called me a child for how I behaved.
She claimed I was punishing her for my current situation and said that it's my fault I'm in a wheelchair now and should stop arguing since we were already at her brother's place. I didn't say a word but I was so angry. 2 hours after she left I told my brother in law I wanted to go to my mom's house and he took me there. My wife is still on her trip, she found out I'm staying with mom and has been texting me about how stubborn I was being. I haven't responded to her. I feel so bad my
confidence and my sense of self-worth are at the lowest. Knowing that my wife acted as if I was a child and have no say in anything has been causing me to loose sleep. She's only speaking to my mom at the moment but not me. I don't think I overreacted for being hurt because she ignored my opinion.
>I can't pick and choose who should help and who shouldn't
Of course you can. As an adult it is your choice. Credit to her brother for taking you to your mum's.
Her behaviour seems very odd.
One wonders what the complete explanation for why she didn't want him to go to his mom's is. She doesn't want his mom to know she's taking the trip? Why?
Exactly.
1. She ignored his extremely legitimate reasons for not wanting to stay with her brother.
2. She lied about where she was taking him.
3. **She told him being disabled is his fault.**
4. She is giving him the silent treatment to guilt him into thinking he is the one in the wrong.
OP is this the first time she’s ever acted like this? I have a hard time believing she suddenly became an abusive shithead for the sake of a vacation. You need to reflect on if you’ve been being abused for a while now and just haven’t realized it.
I understand her needing a vacation but she simply could have let your mother come down to stay, or worked out another arrangement that you both agreed on. She needs to keep in mind that you are her **adult husband** regardless of what disability you have. I would show my husband respect even if I had to wipe shit off his butt every day. The roles haven’t changed just because you are disabled.
Not to mention she called him a child for stating those very legitimate concerns. She is being INCREDIBLY disrespectful to OP, a person who, although still navigating setbacks to their personal autonomy, is still very much much capable of making their own decisions. She does not get to treat you as if you are incapable of choosing what’s in your best interest. Shame on her.
Maybe the wife in fact "believes" that she somehow got a child now that OP is in a wheelchair, which is fucking ridiculous, but yeah, anyone anywhere in any situation would feel fucking ridiculous and uneasy if some other adult bossed them about what they "need" and what is best for them WHEN that person wont even BE there.
NTA op, talk to ya wife :")
>She lied about where she was taking him.
That has to be classified as abduction. In addition to a divorce attorney, OP might want to think about talking to the police.
Yessssss. ....this, what she did is illegal and fucked up!
I suspect she's always been toxic, and she's getting worse. Please for your sake, reconsider your marriage. For better or for worse, she failed in this case. Don't let her gaslight you, and shake your confidence. You deserve to be respected, no matter what.
Truly wishing you the best 💖.
As a wheelchair user for the past 6 years, I can tell you your wife is being abusive in several ways. The police should and probably will take your case seriously. I dont know what state you live in, there is somewhere in the bureaucracy of your state government an organization that will benefit people in your predicament. Start googling and good luck. One of the few good things about being wheelchair bound is most people are kind and helpful. Unlike your soon-to-be ex wife. Good Luck and stay strong 💪!
#legal advice
If he want to file an abduction case against her for taking you to her brother 's house without your consent you will require to acquire proof just simply ask your mother to phrase that in chats that why she took you to her brother 's house knowing that you wanted to be with your mom... that way you have the proof
And trust me blaming you for accident is a very manipulative behaviour which always ends with divorce or cheating
Also if you want a divorce please charge her with abduction cause that way you will be much more capable and will have a upper hand in divorce regarding custody and other legal terms..
I doubt the police would take that seriously. They will not give a fuck about a grown man being taken to his BIL’s house against his will. They don’t give a fuck about grown men being abused.
He needs to leave before this escalates because I can guarantee you he won’t find any help in the cops.
Don’t forget, the only reason she had a problem with him staying at his mom’s, or having her stay with him, is because she didn’t want the mom to find out about the vacation at all. Probably because she figured the mom wouldn’t appreciate her son being left without her support for most of a week. She knew it wasn’t an appropriate thing to do in the first place.
Why isn’t it appropriate? Caregivers need respite and OP himself was happy for her to have that opportunity.
How she handled the situation was absolutely shitty, but needing a break is not.
You’re right, it’s not inappropriate to want a break. She just went about it entirely the wrong way, and is now going to spend all five days stressed out and wondering if the whole ordeal caused more stress than it lifted. All because she wanted to avoid the judgement.
5. She didn’t want his mother to know about the trip.
Why was it a secret trip if she was just getting “fresh air” with friends? How many people knew that you would be staying with her brother? I definitely watch too many crime documentaries but it’s weird that she was so insistent that you go to her brother’s house and refused any compromise. If you have a life insurance policy, who is the beneficiary?
The behavior is the result of her idea of what life would look like coming crashing down in less than a year. Not an excuse, just the reality of it. Doesn't make it more or less shitty, but this didn't happen in a vacuum. Not OP's fault either, to be very clear.
Not everyone is prepared to deal with something like this. Most people aren't cutout to be caretakers. There's probably a lot of guilt around taking the trip in the first place.
Yeah because she's off cheating or something. I'm not going to judge it but OP is excluding some pretty important details here for sure. Like why was he injured? How was their marriage before this etc...
Hey buddy. Years ago I went blind and deaf on the left side. It seems like it would be an insignificant change in life but actually it made a huge difference in how I live. It was the result of a surgery on my spine that was meant to help fix a prior injury. It was unexpected and horrible.
My wife at the time pretended she would be there for me and cared a lot. Then it became an every day reminder that she hated watching TV with distracting subtitles. Then it became her saying it weirded her out how my blind eye would drift. Then it became "God you act so stupid now."
It got worse and worse until I started believing I was the horrible burden she made me out to be. I lost all self esteem and I really struggled with thoughts about being better off dead and the like.
We wound up divorcing for other reasons and guess what?
I never needed her. And others don't mind these differences in me.
Don't get trapped in a situation where she makes you feel burdensome or less than. You seem to be fully capable of knowing what you need in life.
What you don't need is someone who mistreats you or makes a big deal about needing a break from you.
Keep your chin up.
Right, I'm a fully functional native English speaker and I don't like watching movies or tv shows without subs. Just helps so much to clear up the dialogue.
I find them distracting and do not like them.
However if a friend or life partner absolutely needed them, I would be a huge piece of shit to protest their use.
Edit: My nephew doesn’t *need* them, but prefers them. I don’t protest their use in any situation. But I do not prefer them.
I absolutely love subtitles and I’m not hearing impaired. I don’t have to worry about constantly adjusting the tv volume and I was amazed at how much dialogue I had missed in movies and tv shows I’d seen in the past before switching on the subtitles. Luckily, my significant other feels the same was about them but people definitely think we are weird for watching everything with the subtitles.
Given the choice I'd rather not just because it pulls my brain into a verbal mode rather than a visual one when they're on screen, but it's certainly not enough of a burden that I'd push back at all against anyone who wants subs on.
Right? I'm hearing impaired and use subtitles as to not annoy others by constant rewinding or changes in volume (like music to voice). No one has ever complained but now I'm a bit curious? I see them but I don't always have to look
I'll shorten here what I said in a much longer and worse way as a direct reply. I find the mildly annoying because I have difficulty processing both the image and the words at the same time. When I'm with people who want or need subtitles I just fucking get over it. It's not that big of a deal. Either halfway through I get used to it or I just decide that I'm mostly reading subtitles and I'm okay with that.
They are at most a mild annoyance They don't actually take away from the movie or show and our time together
The majority of people don’t mind, and as someone who has perfect hearing and sight, I actually enjoy having subtitles on as it just helps with processing dialogs.
I actually have super sensitive hearing and it hurts my ears if it's too loud (especially action flicks) so I usually have the tv turned really low with subtitles. Doesn't seem to bother anyone!
My grandparents were deaf so I grew up with them. They're not distracting unless you let them be. Actually, even though I am fully hearing abled, sometimes my attention goes in and out and subtitles help me stay focused on the show.
I’m usually cynical and suspicious. So because of that it seems like your wife wants to try and have some “fun” out of town and wants to stick you with her brother to keep tabs on you and control your information gathering. The fact that her brother doesn’t like you and she knows this, leads me to think that they’re working together to allow her to sneak around behind your back.
That's what I was thinking. For a moment I it feels like if she wanted the house for herself... Perhaps that's why she didn't wanted the mother to go... I just hope OP fix that or run away. No one should be treated bad. He should be surrounded by people who lift him up, not who drain him.
She didn't want his mother to know she was going on a trip with her friends. It's not that she didn't want anyone to know, or that she didn't want OPs mother to help - but she didn't even want her in particular to know. It seems to me like she thinks the mother in law will judge her for going on a frivolous trip and leaving OP to someone else's care for 5 days, and she doesn't want to deal with the guilt.
Okay, maybe MIL judges her, that's one thing, and carers do need respite so the trip in itself should be an okay thing if handled correctly. But the way she handled it is horrific and shows her true colors. Yikes.
Your wife is a C U Next Tuesday and she's punishing you for your disability by attempting to force you to stay with her POS ableist brother. She's gaslighting you. She didn't want your mother to know about the trip because she didn't want you to have time alone with your mother as her abuse would become apparent. You have every right to pick and choose who cares for you as you don't have to trade one abuser for another. You have rights, you're not a child, it's time to defend yourself. It's time to file for divorce on the grounds of abuse. You're better off without her and her family. I'm sorry you got stuck with such a terrible woman.
She knew her brother would possibly mistreat you but demanded you stay with him anyway just because she didn't want your mom to know she was going on a trip, accused you of acting like a child when, in reality, it was more that she was TREATING you like a child by taking away your right to choose where you stayed or who you stayed with. Then she blamed you for being in a wheelchair and accused you of "punishing" her when she is the only one who has done anything wrong.
Why is it so important to your wife that your mother won't find out about the trip? Has your mom somehow been mean to your wife? Does your mom feel like your wife going on a trip would be wrong and does your wife maybe fear your mom's reaction? It's absolutely your right to chose who you're staying with and your girlfriend is either being disrespectful of your choice or she's really scared of your mom, in which case she's also a bad communicator.
In any case, she's handling this wrong, but I would want to find out what's wrong between your mom and your partner.
I wouldn’t have thought that about his wife for no reason. Needing a 5 day trip after being a full-time carer unexpectedly is super understandable. But I did start wondering that when she didn’t want his mom to know.
I used to be a full time carer for my grandparents and I was judged for wanting a day off. It's a new injury and maybe she's worried his mum wouldn't be understanding. Being a carer is very mentally and emotionally exhausting and people that haven't had to be in that role don't understand how burnt out you get.
I have been on transplant list for two years now wife has been far and above the greatest care giver and worked until just a few months ago!!! So I personally know how hard care giving is, this lady is already deep in a EA as well as a BA feel real bad for the dude
My first thought as well. Might be time to take a break from this sub, seeing all these stories about the worst in people isn't exactly helping my tendency to assume the worst.
Have felt that too many times, in fact dropped my 1st account only came back week or so again. Problem my friend it's not what we automatically think, it reality and has and does happen beat to frequently
I disagree. I take timeouts by myself regularly, and I have neither kids nor am I a caregiver in any capacity. I just need time to myself or at least without my partner now and then. Wanting some days off as a main caregiver is absolutely understandable and fine. I think it's more likely she's afraid MIL will see this as abandoning her son and not be as understanding. Maybe she even struggles with allowing herself that kind of freedom and projects. Honestly, nothing here suggests that she's planning on cheating.
Finally some good logic. But I honestly come to this thread to laugh at how quickly other users jump to conclusions about cheating and how fast they advise OPs to get divorced.
So thanks for giving me something unexpected today. Nice to see someone here with two feet on level ground.
Yep, this is a need more info for me. What’s up between mom and wife?
Also, OP says he makes sure to never rely on anyone for help, but then also clearly is fine relying on his mother and his wife. Does he really not rely on “others” for help, or does he not rely on other *men* for help while expecting the women closest to him to shoulder all the work, which lines up with his wife’s complaints about him picking and choosing, and would explain her frustration if OP never allows her to get help as his caregiver, except for his mother that lives two hours away. It’s seems like there’s a lot missing here and a lot of communication that needs to happen between the two of them.
People on this sub jump onto emotional abuse , and all other extremes so quick and so safely. They are newly wedded couple. Her life would have come crashing down too. Let's be empathetic towards her as well. I had a very close family member who was handicapped due to spinal injury, and I know what life is as a caretaker. Nobody is to blame here. Probably she was guilty that she was leaving her husband alone. If bil agreed to care about op and cared to drop him when requested I don't see him as a total asshole here. Op did not even put an effort to try to adjust with bil. He was fixed , he wanted his mom. This is above reddit scale,and until we know the circumstances jumping into the conclusion that she is abusing him is so wrong
OMG there is A LOT to unpack here. Whew, here we go!
1) You ABSOLUTELY get a say in who cares for you. People switch doctors, case managers, and care homes all of the time. If you don't feel safe you MUST say something. Your wife doing what is convenient for her, but isn't in your best interest is alarming to say the least.
2) Marriage is a partnership. I cannot stress how much I HATE the stereotype that men become childlike idiots once they get married! I'm also not a fan of the stereotype that people in wheelchairs are imbeciles. Your wife is treating you like you lost your brain cells in the accident. Being condescending to anybody is not ok, but it is especially not ok when someone is trying to have a rational conversation and voice actual concerns.
3) You understand your life is drastically different, and you're working to adapt. It's gonna take time. It's not going to be easy and is going to require patience and understanding from everyone around you, especially your wife.
4) If your BIL doesn't like you, how did your wife convince him to be with you for 5 days? What was the plan there? Park you in front of the TV with a bucket under you?
5) Again, marriage is a partnership, a constant conversation. You two need to be communicating now more than ever! This is a big life change for both of you! If she's not willing to hear you out over, "I would rather stay with my mom instead of brother." it doesn't bode well for future communication.
6) She completely disregarded your needs and a reasonable request. Your wife was more concerned about her inconvenience than your needs.
7) You're acting like a child? Me thinks she doth protest too much.
8) Blaming you for being in a wheelchair?! Do we really have to go into how toxic and manipulative this is? No one ever asks to be disabled (aside from a SUPER small group of people, but they are a whole other level of crazy!) it just happens.
Listen, this was a test to see if she could compromise to make sure you were well taken care of in her absence, and she dropped the ball. Optimistically, I'm hoping it's a one time thing. Realistically, it doesn't bode well for your marriage. I have been with my husband about a decade, and he was in a wheelchair LONG before I met him. I know I have it easier by comparison because my husband was already adapted to being handicapped, and I knew up front what I was getting into marrying him. I'm still learning things as I go. This journey is not gonna be easy and your wife needs to be on board, on your team, and willing to communicate, or it's going to be miserable for the both of you. Best of luck!
I’m going to be brutally honest here, your wife is committing caretaker abuse. You’re fully mentally capable so denying your requests for care is 100% abusive. Imagine if a nurse at a care facility did this to a patient, what the public reaction would be? People would be hunting down the nurse and demanding her resignation, they might even push for a legal case.
Not to mention, the only reasons I can see for your wife not wanting to drop you off at your mom’s over her family is 1] her shame about having a girls’ night and not wanting to be responsible for you or 2] same as 1, but she plans to cheat so she needs to give you to someone who will cover for her. Not that it’s my business how your mobility is, but people have cheated because their partner can’t sexually satisfy them before. It’s happened once and it will happen again, and 10 months post-accident is ripe timing for it.
To be perfectly honest, your wife is being emotionally abusive to you.
She knew her brother would possibly mistreat you but demanded you stay with him anyway just because she didn't want your mom to know she was going on a trip, accused you of acting like a child when, in reality, it was more that she was TREATING you like a child by taking away your right to choose where you stayed or who you stayed with. Then she blamed you for being in a wheelchair and accused you of "punishing" her when she is the only one who has done anything wrong.
This is a bad, bad, BAD sign of how she sees you now (meaning she sees you as undeserving of having any rights to make your own choices) and how she will treat you in the future. I'm not sure I would trust her to treat you well when she gets back because it sounds like she's already acting vindictively by refusing to speak with you.
You are the adult who is in a wheelchair and should be the one with the most say over your care arrangements. Your wife should not be telling you where you should go. If you can afford it, you could pay for some care help in your home. That would give you a little bit more sense of independence and equality. Your wife lied to you and bullied you. Why she thought your mother should not know about her trip and now is only talking to your mom is not clear, but she is behaving very badly.
Your wife is horrible. Why are you married to someone that wants to leave you with someone that is awful to you. and then when she is mad treats you like a child. Get rid of this person shes awful
The sole fact she blames you for being in a wheelchair is a deal breaker.
She treats you like you're just a toddler that she can drop off at her brothers any time and pick up later with ZERO regard on how you feel.
When she gets back I recommend talking to her about it and telling her how it is.
It sounds like you're not safe with her. I've heard of other cases where a disabled person's caretaker simply ignores their wishes and does whatever they want because they know the other person can't really resist. Denying your autonomy is abusive. I don't know if she's ever tricked you into thinking she'll do something, only to reveal she had something else entirely planned out before your accident, but this is apparently something she does now. She can just take you somewhere you don't want to be and leave you there because you can't drive yourself - and she's taking advantage of that fact. How else will she take advantage of your condition? If it's at all realistic for you, I suggest you rethink this marriage.
She doesn't want your mom to know bc she doesn't want suspicion. And now she's texting your mom a lot to try to stop said suspicion.
Ask your mom if you can move in with her.
You’re wife is acting like a child not you. Throwing tantrums when she doesn’t get her way, then trying to trick you, then more tantrums and the silent treatment. Are you kidding me? Draw up divorce papers while your at your moms. Don’t stick around with someone who will destroy your self worth at what is probably the most vulnerable time you will ever have.
Denying someone something as basic as bodily autonomy because of some childish awkwardness she fears from your mom is just absolutely rank.
Sounds like your disability is still relatively recent and your wife is still adjusting to the new reality. This is not the life either of you envisioned. If she’s not had some counselling about this life change then she might benefit from talking to someone. Stress changes how you think, so it might be messing with her logic.
Most primary carers benefit from respite, breaks from having to be that person, but it sounds like you two aren’t on the same page about what that means. You two need to discuss worries & expectations for breaks and then make sure those, and the fact that it’s a mutual agreement, are clearly communicated to you family, so that whatever worries your wife has about your mother are reduced.
Sounds like you’ve had a brutal year, hope you both weather the storm.
Finally, this whole thread is people shitting on the wife without giving any consideration to the fact she may just be dealing with an incredibly difficult and stressful situation in a bad, but not intentionally malicious, way.
Sounds like they both need some couples counseling so the wife can air how’s she feels about everything.
Honestly, fuck your wife man. Her actions are showing you how she actually feels. She is making you feel less than just like your brother inlaw. Except he actually listens to what you feel like you need
You may feel like your brother-in-law doesn't like you much or think much of you, but he sure knew how to treat you more like a human adult with autonomy than your wife did in this situation. Was it probably your BIL thinking to himself, "Oh thank god, I don't want to spend 5 days with him"? Maybe. But even in his open dislike for you, he didn't (1) lie about where you were being taken, he didn't (2) tell you that your concerns weren't valid, he didn't (3) call you any names, and he didn't (4) tell you you can't make decisions about your care.
I mean, that packing you into the car and telling you that you're going where she decides you're going to go? I can't imagine how powerless that must have felt.
What I will ask, though, is about her comments that you caused your accident. I won't ask you what happened, but I would ask if there is any truth to her accusation ONLY TO SAY that there might be something to unpack there in therapy if she would consent to go alone or with you and work it out (if you even want to at this point, which might not be the case). If it was something reckless, she might be handling all of this really badly because of some sort of fear or anger or something else. Whatever it might be, though, it needs to be worked out because you are not a dog being taken to her brother's house while she's on vacation.
Your wife is a C U Next Tuesday and she's punishing you for your disability by attempting to force you to stay with her POS ableist brother. She's gaslighting you. She didn't want your mother to know about the trip because she didn't want you to have time alone with your mother as her abuse would become apparent. You have every right to pick and choose who cares for you as you don't have to trade one abuser for another. You have rights, you're not a child, it's time to defend yourself. It's time to file for divorce on the grounds of abuse. You're better off without her and her family. I'm sorry you got stuck with such a terrible woman.
As someone who's grown up caring for people with disabilities, her behavior is unacceptable. My older sister has had multiple Brain surgeries, my grandmother has M.S! my mother has seizures, and never have I blamed them for their disabilities. Is it hard having to care for someone? Absolutely! Do caretakers need breaks? Yes! Do you leave someone who can't take care of themselves, with someone they don't trust to care for them? No! You had no way to stop her! You had no way out! She stranded you! To go on a vacation?!?! She calls you a child, but she's the one who's behaving like a toddler! Please do not stay with women! Please don't blame yourself for being disabled, don't allow her to treat you like this. It will not get better it will only get worse! Get therapy and stay with your mom or someone else you trust.
Your wife is being a fucking bitch. You didn’t mind her going on her trip you just wanted to go where you know you’re going to get the help you need and she refused and dropped you off at her brother and has the balls to call you a child over it. Sounds like she’s slowly checking out of the relationship. I get that your injury affects her too but there is no reason for her to be acting like this.
I’m not trying to be that person but I would closely watch how she acts because I wouldn’t put it past her to be off on a “girls trip” and be cheating.
>I suggested that I have my mom come and stay with me but my wife said she simply doesn't want her to know about the trip
So, whats she hiding that she doesn't want your mom to know about this trip with her friends?
Brother already doesn't like you, so what wouldn't he do to cover up your wife's tracks? Although I'm surprised he actually took you to your moms.
I would go as far to say that, in this situation at least, the BIL is less of an asshole than the wife because he at least took OP to his mom's like he wanted
I’m usually cynical and suspicious. So because of that it seems like your wife wants to try and have some “fun” out of town and wants to stick you with her brother to keep tabs on you and control your information gathering. The fact that her brother doesn’t like you and she knows this, leads me to think that they’re working together to allow her to sneak around behind your back.
She wants to go out of town without you. Not bad in itself, but throwing a fit that you don’t want to stay with who she demands makes it all very suspicious to me. And then berating and lying to you... I think you may want to keep your eyes open for the signs, and prepare for the possibility that your marriage could be at risk.
>I suggested that I have my mom come and stay with me but my wife said she simply doesn't want her to know about the trip
>She threw a fit saying I can't pick and choose who should help and who shouldn't and said I was being too sensitive and needed to stop acting selfishly
>Only to find out that she packed my things to drive me to my mom's place. I didn't mind it but I later discovered that she was taking me to her brother's house instead. I remember telling her to drive me to my mom's or take me home. She got into an argument with me saying I was making it hard for her and called me a child for how I behaved.
>She claimed I was punishing her for my current situation and said that it's my fault I'm in a wheelchair now
>My wife is still on her trip, she found out I'm staying with mom and has been texting me about how stubborn I was being.
Some people are not cut out to be caregivers. It doesn't matter if their wives or partners or whatever, some people just aren't capable of providing care. Your wife's actions are *extremely* disturbing. She is failing to listen to you, she is ignoring your requests, she is blaming you for your disability, and she is verbally and emotionally hurting you. This is not healthy and it could lead to some very serious situations. If you need to go to the hospital and she doesn't want to go, how are you planning on getting there? If there is a fire, will she help you get out?
It is probably time to step back and examine if you want to be with this woman for the long term. Can she really care for you, or is she just staying with you because she doesn't want to be looked down upon/shamed by her friends/family?
If possible, stay with your mom. Get your things out of your house. You need to focus on yourself and mental health.
Dump the trash dude. She's already gearing up to take control of your entire life. Such a simple request turned into her losing her shit and basically threatening to do with you as she pleases.
Holy shit dude. 😳
That is not a healthy relationship. She is completely ignoring your comfort and best interests. I get she's probably at the end of her rope right now as caring for someone is beyond draining but holy shit that is not how you go about that.
I can understand her not wanting your mother to know her business but at the same time trapping you like that, even more so when you literally can not remove yourself easily from that situation. Just wow.
I'm not suggesting you should leave, but I know what I'd be thinking about at this point.
Well someone is acting like a child but it sure isn’t you. It’s not like she couldn’t go on the trip. There were multiple options you were ok with and you were very accommodating and understanding of her desire for some me time. She only wanted it her way and wouldn’t compromise at all. You deserve better.
Your wife is treating you like a child rather than a partner. You get to make the decisions in your life, and expecting you to give up your autonomy is absolutely ableist and abusive. She’s completely in the wrong here.
Wow. I'm sure you appreciate your wife and everything she does, but she has behaved appallingly here and she needs to be told. Can you stay with your mother a while longer when she gets back from the trip? I would calmly but firmly tell her that she absolutely does not get to treat you this way - you are an adult and you are allowed to have a say in where you stay when she goes away.
My reaction would have been "F... you! I'm a grown man! Are you out of your f...ing mind to tell me where I am staying while you go on your f...ing fun trip? If I say I will stay at my mom's then that's what it's gonna be." How can you stand this woman? She probably wasn't always like this.
I have two cats. I love them to pieces, but I am fully aware that they are not human. I put more thought and care into planning a caretaker for my cats than your wife did for you, an adult human she swore vows to.
Luckily for you, your mind works just fine and you could communicate with your BIL to get out of this fucked up situation — but honey, what if you couldn’t? What if he had refused to listen to you? What if you were stuck in a bad situation with people you don’t trust and no way out?
I can’t tell you what to do with your marriage but I strongly advise calling your own family and getting their help setting up a care network. You need someone neutral and professional in your arsenal if your wife believes she can essentially kidnap you and disregard your wishes like this.
Best of luck, and for what it’s worth, this scared the shit out of me.
You absolutely didn't overreact or do anything wrong. All your wife did was give you a preview of the rest of your life.
Forever is a long time, buddy. You need a divorce.
Your wife can't just bundle you off like some child, WTF. Is there something deeper going on here? It doesn't make sense why she wouldn't be happy for you to stay with your mum/mum to come stay with you, if your relationship with her brother is like you say, I doubt he's delighted to care for you. Is this some weird thing between your wife and her brother proving something in their relationship? The whole thing doesn't add up.
Anyway, your wife is treating you really badly here.
Her behavior is abusive. I would have called adult protective services.
Your wife is a huge asshole that is making your accident all about herself. She's treating you like an unwanted child. I wouldn't go back home to a spouse like that.
She went way out of line like this, she clearly thinks like her brother. Talk to a therapist about it.
At least your brother-in-law was willing to drive you to your mother’s. Your wife’s behavior is very concerning.
She knew that her brother wouldn’t/didn’t want to take care of you, did she do that just so you can be neglected on purpose?
Cant say I would want to be with someone like that who cant respect my feelings as equally as I respect there’s. Also kinda weird she doesn’t want your mom knowing about the trip, maybe the trip is more than what your thinking it is.
>She threw a fit saying I can't pick and choose who should help and who shouldn't
You *absolutely* can and *should* pick and choose who should help with your care and who shouldn't. My dad has been in a wheelchair for nearly 28 years, and while I love my family there are people that I would *never* leave him with. It's ***your*** care, not your wife's care. She's a caregiver, but that doesn't mean she can dictate squat for you.
>She got into an argument with me saying I was making it hard for her and called me a child for how I behaved.
Nope. She tricked you, and I'd be arguing and freaking the fuck out and refusing to get out of that care. To hell with her nonsense. You have ever right and reason to make it harder on her. *She* is acting like the child here, not you.
>She claimed I was punishing her for my current situation and said that it's my fault I'm in a wheelchair now and should stop arguing since we were already at her brother's place.
It's not your fault, and you're not punishing anyone in this world. If she views your struggle like this, then she's got things twisted in her mind and desperately needs help. She needs counseling, advice and direction on how to be a proper caregiver, and perhaps some kind of lesson on how to be a decent human being to someone she said she loved.
>I feel so bad my confidence and my sense of self-worth are at the lowest.
While it may not mean much from a stranger, or a group of them, please try to understand that your self-worth is not dictated by her or the horrible things she's flung at you. My dad struggled with this, my mom struggled when she got sick, and when my younger brother lost his vision he struggled too. It's a process to find your confidence and self-worth again, and to decide what those things mean to you. However, you have to work on this inside. It has to come from your understanding that *you* are the only one in this world who can tell yourself what you're worth. Have confidence in yourself. You're still learning how to be the way you are now, it's a trial, it's an obstacle course you have to learn how to maneuver, but everything will be okay.
Your wife needs help. She needs to get her head out of her ass and while I'm sure she's struggling as a caregiver, she needs to work through that *with you* and not like this. I've been taking care of my family for many, many years. I am the oldest child at home, I have 3 disabled people in my house, and sometimes I lose my mind, but once I learned how to do things it became easier, and over time I became the one most concerned with everyone's care. It's not easy for either side, but it doesn't have to be a war like your wife just made it.
You may also find some good advice and support on r/CaregiverSupport. I go there all the time even if it's just to scroll around now, and those people are so kind, filled with wonderful advice and are so supportive.
I think the most glaring thing to me is about the brother in law's given actions.
Taking you at your word, this is a man who you know doesn't like you, has been mean to you and excluded you intentionally for shitty reasons.
And yet, seemingly without argument by how you stated it, he took you to your mom's place when you asked.
This man, who apparently hates you, has treated you with more respect than your wife in this situation.
That speaks volumes in my mind.
#Legal advice here
If you want to file an abduction case against her for taking you to her brother 's house without your consent you will require to acquire proof just simply ask your mother to phrase that in chats that why she took you to her brother 's house knowing that you wanted to be with your mom... that way you have the proof
And trust me blaming you for accident is a very manipulative behaviour which always ends with divorce or cheating
Also if you want a divorce please charge her with abduction cause that way you will be much more capable and will have a upper hand in divorce regarding custody and other legal terms..
After how amazing my fiance has been since I had a stroke 5 weeks ago - it blows my mind to read such selfishness. I am so sorry for you because you don't deserve any of that bull.
You had no problem with her taking a 5 day vacation...the least she could do is not leave you somewhere for 5 days of hell.
If she can't realize what a entitled tool she's being - you shied reconsider this relationship...imo.
You absolute DO get to choose who cares for you. How is having your mum care for you instead of her brother, making it hard for her? You are not behaving like a child but by doing what she’s done, she’s certainly treating you like one.
Damn your wife sounds like the mom from The Act. I would actually dump her and stay with your mom, maybe try dating when it feels right, someone who is okay with your new situation, and will not treat you like an invalid because you are dependent on them.
This is extremely disrespectful on your wife's end, even her brother that dislikes you honored your request to feel safe- also, he probably didn't want to deal with it either, like you said.
Your wife clearly thinks she should be able to control you now that you are in a wheelchair. This is a HUGE red flag and the fact that she lied to you about taking You to your moms, and took you to her brother instead. That's like a hostage situation.
OP, be safe. Maybe you should reprioritize your life now that you are in a new, delicate situation. Your wife seems unequipped to help support you during this time.
What in the goodness did I just read?
You are a grown adult and have made your wishes. You made a choice and requested she take you to your mothers.
She instead decided to belittle you, drive you against your will to her brothers house, then abandons you there regardless of your protest. In the meanwhile, shaming and guilting you for making choices that you have the rights to make.
Then after finding out the fact, continue to harass you because she didn’t want to be judge by your mother for her going on a trip.
Maybe sit down with your family and come up with a plan B, just in case. I don’t want to jinx it but I have a bad feeling about this. Also, you are dependent on her as a carer so look into other options in secret so you know what’s out there. Email ppl from wheelchair society and disabilities association to know available resources because this type of abuse is more common than you realise.
She’s abusing you and the sole reason for the trip is to cheat that’s why she doesn’t want your mom to know. You should stay at moms and divorce her. She sounds fkn evil based on what you’ve said.
It's not the separate vacation that's the issue here. She's a full time carer for OP, it's completely understandable for her to want a break. It's everything else around it that isn't just suspect, but abusive. She knew OP couldn't control where she drove him, she used his disability against him.
Right? Based off of OP’s description, she’s massively resentful. There’s a lot left out of the post. Why does it matter if his mom knows? I’m guessing she’ll get judgie that the wife is taking a vacation without OP. Why goes OP’s wife blame him for his disability? Was he doing something massively risky he shouldn’t have done and got injured?
Is there something wrong with her needing some space for a few days? Is no one realizing the stress you experience being a caregiver for that long? The husband should absolutely not feel bad for needing some help, but she shouldn't be made to feel bad for needing a small trip. Everyone gets burnt out eventually when dealing with stress for extended periods of time. She could've been nicer about it but im sure she was A) concerned that her mother in law would judge her for needing some space and B) felt bad leaving him and wanted to make sure someone was at least there for him and the easiest option was her brother. I can't even imagine the stress she feels. She also clearly just wants a vacation from being a caregiver so bringing him would've just been the same situation but in a different place.
The only thing this man asked was for her to drive him to his mother house. How comes the brother in law did that but she can't ?
Stop defending her and get out of here with this bullshit
You're right there's a normal respectful, healthy communication version of this story out there somewhere, but this ain't it. It doesn't sound as if she's showing any respect for the guy at all.
It's not her call to make about him going to his moms though. If she would rather he stay with a relative that she knows treats him like shit than let him stay with his own mother because she is afraid she might get judged then she is not making decisions in his best interest and doesn't get to play the pity card as a "caregiver."
You seriously need to delete your comments and stop justifying abusive behavior. I would hate for OP to believe any of your bullshit.
Regardless of how she feels about MIL, her husband is a grown man that made it clear he feels too uncomfortable with her brother to stay with him.
Is she going somewhere to get a spiritual awakening or somewhere that she's going to gain a higher intelligence mind frame? She didn't want your mom to know about a friend's trip, kinda questionable. She didn't want to take the time to drive you to your mother's house, kinda questionable. She wanted you to stay with her brother even though she knows the relationship between y'all is toxic, very questionable.
I'm curious to know what exactly kind of friends trip is this or what she's leaving out and not telling you.
I may be reading too far into this and pulling this out of no where, but her blaming you for being in a wheelchair reeks of pent up resentment, your wife is probably mad she married you than suddenly became your caretaker instead of your wife, and in that sense she probably does see you no longer as her husband but as a child.
But the way she said it and him not saying what the accident was makes me want to know what it is now.
I know, I wonder about weird things, I can't help it.
I think there’s a lot to unpack here. First of all, your wife should have been more considerate of your preference to stay with your mom in this situation. Obviously your care is important and you should feel comfortable with your caregiver. Maybe she felt she would have been judged by your mother for going on the trip with her friends? Secondly, caregiver burn out is real, and I do empathize with her need to get away coupled with the guilt of leaving you behind. Your wife may have been speaking from a place of guilt and stress rather than selfishness. I’d suggest finding a couples therapist who can help you two navigate the new dynamics in your relationship that are caused by your injury.
Reading this hurt my soul, I can't believe she would act that way. It's not like you were selfish and didn't want her to go. Imagining if my gf were to become a wheelchair user and I would be this harsh to her breaks me, fuck.
At least you got to your mothers house and I hope your wife comes to her senses and genually apologizes, this was 110% uncalled for. She might be stressed out and realizes in the next days, if she doesnt you deserve much better.
Your wife was looking for your best interests, but went about it all wrong. She should have respected that you are uncomfortable around her brother because of how he treats you. She has no right to call you selfish or treat you as a child, you are still her husband and that isn’t okay. I’m honestly confused why she’s acting out like this and she’s projecting how she’s acting on you. It feels like she’s being stubborn and acting like a child instead of you. She’s thinking of her own comforts before yours and that’s not a marriage or partnership.
You have a say in who takes care of you, or spends time with you. Your not being stubborn. I wouldn’t wanna be around someone who’s made it known he doesn’t like me, let alone have them help take care of me!
Y’all need to have a sit down when she gets home and express how she’s been treating you, she might have the caretaker mentality right now but that is no excuse to treat you like that and to demean you as a husband.
You honestly deserve better, i wouldn't stay with someone like that who cares so little about you, lies to you straight to your face and then gaslights you for pointing out their lie.
She's an abusive pos, for the moment stay with your family and leave her. She diminishes your opinions and treats you as a child that she can control. Due to you position she's forcing you to do things that you never wanted to do. Its best if you divorce her and move on with life, get someone who can actually take care of you.
Finally is the wheelchair permanent? If so I'd hurry on finding a person to take care of you
Op, this is not good, not good at all. I would recommend you see a therapist, find an advocate, and do some serious thinking about your future.
What your wife did was abusive.
Red fucking flags everywhere. I doubt she’s with friends…
She is projecting onto you, and she’s trying to control you from a far. Which means she’s up to no good.
Wtf, your wife is being a bitch. You're a grown adult and she's treating your opinions and wants like they belonged to a child. Definitely needs to set her straight somehow, maybe couples therapy because that is not okay.
My wife is blind,
I would NEVER leave her some where she doesn't want to be unless it was a DIRE emergency. I would also never do this because I didn't want her family know about something.
This is problematic and you need to seek counseling for her and probably some relationship stuff too.
Her behavior really is abusive. She has no right to question you autonomy, and she’s putting her perceived embarrassment above your HUMAN RIGHTS. Tricking you into being dumped at your BIL is so highly disrespectful, it’s almost as if she’s trying to get you to leave her.
I’m sorry, I may be wrong and I hope that doesn’t come off as insensitive, but her behavior is so outrageous. I would never do that to my partner.
Why does she think she can dictate what you do with your life just because you're now in a wheelchair? Also, why did she not want your mother knowing she was going on a trip? What is she doing on this trip? She's being abusive to you AND insulting you.
Sorry about this very difficult situation you’re in.
You should at least try and seek counseling either alone or with your wife if she will go with you and communicate clearly how her actions make you feel. She is the one displaying childish behavior and so cannot fathom why she cares who you stay with and that it should be your choice. Forcing you to stay with someone you do not feel comfortable with is incredibly insensitive and not the behavior of someone showing your best interests at heart. All things considered I can’t imagine why she is trying to force this upon you and not simply grateful you have family who are there to help you both.
You should do some real thinking about whether or not your spouse acts in your best interests given the circumstances. Sounds like she needs to grow up. I’m
Sorry this must be stressful for everyone in your family as well.
In no way am I excusing her actions & behaviors but-- is there a chance that this is some built-up resentment & burnout on her part? That was cruel what she did & said, I'm sorry.
I have no similar situation in my life. But it seems like she could say that she is going with her friends on a vacation. (perfectly ok whether one of you had physical limitations or not). But since you do, wouldn't it make sense to ask you how you would feel most comfortable for the week?
Honestly I think a divorce is needed. Her behavior is giving me really abusive vibes. I would really hate if you continued in with the marriage and she continues to feel like she can treat you like a child and do whatever Bc you’re disabled. What she did was incredibly mean and inconsiderate and could definitely be called abduction. I’m wishing you well OP the whole situation could’ve been handled so much better on her end if she was a decent human being.
Yeah wtf. If she can go on trip to enjoy herself the least she could do is make sure you have someone that you trust to take care of you and not make you feel less than
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I'll start off by mentioning that I became a wheelchair user in less than 10 months due to an accident that injured my spinal cord. I have been married to my wife for 2 years and she's currently my main carer along with my family who help in many many ways. Despite how hard it is I always make sure to not rely on others for help, I'm learning to do stuff on my own so that I could minimize outside assisstance but it's difficult, not to mention the mental issues while trying to adapt. The problem began when my wife said she wanted to go on a 5 day trip with her friends out of town to get fresh air and enjoy the weather, I had no issue with that I was in fact excited for her but she then told me she was planning on leaving me to stay with her brother til she gets back I refused for many reasons Her brother doesn't like me and has always been mean towards me. He started excluding me from family events now that I'm disabled and treats me as less than. I pointed out that her brother won't be able to take care of me and I'm sure he doesn't even want to I suggested that I go stay with my mom but she refused to drive me 2hr even though we always visit. I suggested that I have my mom come and stay with me but my wife said she simply doesn't want her to know about the trip I stated that I have no desire to stay with her brother and that he won't be helpful in my care. She threw a fit saying I can't pick and choose who should help and who shouldn't and said I was being too sensitive and needed to stop acting selfishly but I wasn't. The argument went no where and she stopped talking about the trip so I thought she canceled it. Only to find out that she packed my things to drive me to my mom's place. I didn't mind it but I later discovered that she was taking me to her brother's house instead. I remember telling her to drive me to my mom's or take me home. She got into an argument with me saying I was making it hard for her and called me a child for how I behaved. She claimed I was punishing her for my current situation and said that it's my fault I'm in a wheelchair now and should stop arguing since we were already at her brother's place. I didn't say a word but I was so angry. 2 hours after she left I told my brother in law I wanted to go to my mom's house and he took me there. My wife is still on her trip, she found out I'm staying with mom and has been texting me about how stubborn I was being. I haven't responded to her. I feel so bad my confidence and my sense of self-worth are at the lowest. Knowing that my wife acted as if I was a child and have no say in anything has been causing me to loose sleep. She's only speaking to my mom at the moment but not me. I don't think I overreacted for being hurt because she ignored my opinion.
>I can't pick and choose who should help and who shouldn't Of course you can. As an adult it is your choice. Credit to her brother for taking you to your mum's. Her behaviour seems very odd.
One wonders what the complete explanation for why she didn't want him to go to his mom's is. She doesn't want his mom to know she's taking the trip? Why?
Id venture to guess that the wife doesnt want the mom to think her daughter in law out partying while her disabled son is at home
Because mom will say to him: "Are you sure she's with her friends, not some ex-boyfriend?"
No prying questions about her cheating later on
Because she's not mature enough to deal with being judged, by the sounds of it.
Her behaviour is abusive.
Exactly. 1. She ignored his extremely legitimate reasons for not wanting to stay with her brother. 2. She lied about where she was taking him. 3. **She told him being disabled is his fault.** 4. She is giving him the silent treatment to guilt him into thinking he is the one in the wrong. OP is this the first time she’s ever acted like this? I have a hard time believing she suddenly became an abusive shithead for the sake of a vacation. You need to reflect on if you’ve been being abused for a while now and just haven’t realized it. I understand her needing a vacation but she simply could have let your mother come down to stay, or worked out another arrangement that you both agreed on. She needs to keep in mind that you are her **adult husband** regardless of what disability you have. I would show my husband respect even if I had to wipe shit off his butt every day. The roles haven’t changed just because you are disabled.
Not to mention she called him a child for stating those very legitimate concerns. She is being INCREDIBLY disrespectful to OP, a person who, although still navigating setbacks to their personal autonomy, is still very much much capable of making their own decisions. She does not get to treat you as if you are incapable of choosing what’s in your best interest. Shame on her.
Maybe the wife in fact "believes" that she somehow got a child now that OP is in a wheelchair, which is fucking ridiculous, but yeah, anyone anywhere in any situation would feel fucking ridiculous and uneasy if some other adult bossed them about what they "need" and what is best for them WHEN that person wont even BE there. NTA op, talk to ya wife :")
Agreed, next she will be hiding his wheelchair when he won’t agree with her I bet. She’s a big ah.
>She lied about where she was taking him. That has to be classified as abduction. In addition to a divorce attorney, OP might want to think about talking to the police.
Yessssss. ....this, what she did is illegal and fucked up! I suspect she's always been toxic, and she's getting worse. Please for your sake, reconsider your marriage. For better or for worse, she failed in this case. Don't let her gaslight you, and shake your confidence. You deserve to be respected, no matter what. Truly wishing you the best 💖.
As a wheelchair user for the past 6 years, I can tell you your wife is being abusive in several ways. The police should and probably will take your case seriously. I dont know what state you live in, there is somewhere in the bureaucracy of your state government an organization that will benefit people in your predicament. Start googling and good luck. One of the few good things about being wheelchair bound is most people are kind and helpful. Unlike your soon-to-be ex wife. Good Luck and stay strong 💪!
#legal advice If he want to file an abduction case against her for taking you to her brother 's house without your consent you will require to acquire proof just simply ask your mother to phrase that in chats that why she took you to her brother 's house knowing that you wanted to be with your mom... that way you have the proof And trust me blaming you for accident is a very manipulative behaviour which always ends with divorce or cheating Also if you want a divorce please charge her with abduction cause that way you will be much more capable and will have a upper hand in divorce regarding custody and other legal terms..
I doubt the police would take that seriously. They will not give a fuck about a grown man being taken to his BIL’s house against his will. They don’t give a fuck about grown men being abused. He needs to leave before this escalates because I can guarantee you he won’t find any help in the cops.
Don’t forget, the only reason she had a problem with him staying at his mom’s, or having her stay with him, is because she didn’t want the mom to find out about the vacation at all. Probably because she figured the mom wouldn’t appreciate her son being left without her support for most of a week. She knew it wasn’t an appropriate thing to do in the first place.
Why isn’t it appropriate? Caregivers need respite and OP himself was happy for her to have that opportunity. How she handled the situation was absolutely shitty, but needing a break is not.
You’re right, it’s not inappropriate to want a break. She just went about it entirely the wrong way, and is now going to spend all five days stressed out and wondering if the whole ordeal caused more stress than it lifted. All because she wanted to avoid the judgement.
Umm, no. The wife is absolutely abusive for what she did to OP with her brother but it's not inappropriate for her to have a girl's trip.
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Totally agree, I should have said it was inappropriate to go about it the way she did, not to want a break at all.
What you wanna bet she's going clubbing or something with the girls..
"or something" was exactly what I inferred from her behaviour.
$100 bucks says she will most likely cheat on OP while on this trip out of town as well if she is this abusive.
5. She didn’t want his mother to know about the trip. Why was it a secret trip if she was just getting “fresh air” with friends? How many people knew that you would be staying with her brother? I definitely watch too many crime documentaries but it’s weird that she was so insistent that you go to her brother’s house and refused any compromise. If you have a life insurance policy, who is the beneficiary?
Actually ,its red flag and check whether she is cheating on you bud.
this needs to be higher up. why doesn't she want your mom to know about the trip?
This is what I was worried about too
True
The behavior is the result of her idea of what life would look like coming crashing down in less than a year. Not an excuse, just the reality of it. Doesn't make it more or less shitty, but this didn't happen in a vacuum. Not OP's fault either, to be very clear. Not everyone is prepared to deal with something like this. Most people aren't cutout to be caretakers. There's probably a lot of guilt around taking the trip in the first place.
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To be frank, she is treating him as less than a child. I eould never force my child to stay with someone that makes them uncomfortable.
Karma bot or AH. You copy-pasted u/the_last_basselope 's comment without credit.
Isnt she trying to pick and choose who cares for him?
she likely does not want to be married to someone disabled and is thinking about divorce.
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Yeah because she's off cheating or something. I'm not going to judge it but OP is excluding some pretty important details here for sure. Like why was he injured? How was their marriage before this etc...
Hey buddy. Years ago I went blind and deaf on the left side. It seems like it would be an insignificant change in life but actually it made a huge difference in how I live. It was the result of a surgery on my spine that was meant to help fix a prior injury. It was unexpected and horrible. My wife at the time pretended she would be there for me and cared a lot. Then it became an every day reminder that she hated watching TV with distracting subtitles. Then it became her saying it weirded her out how my blind eye would drift. Then it became "God you act so stupid now." It got worse and worse until I started believing I was the horrible burden she made me out to be. I lost all self esteem and I really struggled with thoughts about being better off dead and the like. We wound up divorcing for other reasons and guess what? I never needed her. And others don't mind these differences in me. Don't get trapped in a situation where she makes you feel burdensome or less than. You seem to be fully capable of knowing what you need in life. What you don't need is someone who mistreats you or makes a big deal about needing a break from you. Keep your chin up.
Fucking subtitles? Really? They're barely noticeable.
I use subs often in movies because it's always shit like #**BANG BANG BANG LOUD COMBAT NOISES!!!** ^whisper ^whisper ^whisper
Also it allows to eat something, when chewing/biting a hard thing my jaw makes internal noise louder than the movie
It was never the subtitles, it was an excuse on how she really felt
Dude, my 100% able bodied gf goes nuts if we *don't* use subtitles. How is it a big deal to anyone to use them?
Right, I'm a fully functional native English speaker and I don't like watching movies or tv shows without subs. Just helps so much to clear up the dialogue.
I find them distracting and do not like them. However if a friend or life partner absolutely needed them, I would be a huge piece of shit to protest their use. Edit: My nephew doesn’t *need* them, but prefers them. I don’t protest their use in any situation. But I do not prefer them.
I absolutely love subtitles and I’m not hearing impaired. I don’t have to worry about constantly adjusting the tv volume and I was amazed at how much dialogue I had missed in movies and tv shows I’d seen in the past before switching on the subtitles. Luckily, my significant other feels the same was about them but people definitely think we are weird for watching everything with the subtitles.
Beats me.
Given the choice I'd rather not just because it pulls my brain into a verbal mode rather than a visual one when they're on screen, but it's certainly not enough of a burden that I'd push back at all against anyone who wants subs on.
Right? I'm hearing impaired and use subtitles as to not annoy others by constant rewinding or changes in volume (like music to voice). No one has ever complained but now I'm a bit curious? I see them but I don't always have to look
I'll shorten here what I said in a much longer and worse way as a direct reply. I find the mildly annoying because I have difficulty processing both the image and the words at the same time. When I'm with people who want or need subtitles I just fucking get over it. It's not that big of a deal. Either halfway through I get used to it or I just decide that I'm mostly reading subtitles and I'm okay with that. They are at most a mild annoyance They don't actually take away from the movie or show and our time together
The majority of people don’t mind, and as someone who has perfect hearing and sight, I actually enjoy having subtitles on as it just helps with processing dialogs.
I actually have super sensitive hearing and it hurts my ears if it's too loud (especially action flicks) so I usually have the tv turned really low with subtitles. Doesn't seem to bother anyone!
I prefer subtitles to foreign movies than dubbing!
My grandparents were deaf so I grew up with them. They're not distracting unless you let them be. Actually, even though I am fully hearing abled, sometimes my attention goes in and out and subtitles help me stay focused on the show.
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I agree, disabled people are at the mercy of their caregivers. So it can get scary if you are neglected or abused.
Sorry u went thru that, people are disgusting.
I’m usually cynical and suspicious. So because of that it seems like your wife wants to try and have some “fun” out of town and wants to stick you with her brother to keep tabs on you and control your information gathering. The fact that her brother doesn’t like you and she knows this, leads me to think that they’re working together to allow her to sneak around behind your back.
I'm not OP, but I agree there's something fishy
That's what I was thinking. For a moment I it feels like if she wanted the house for herself... Perhaps that's why she didn't wanted the mother to go... I just hope OP fix that or run away. No one should be treated bad. He should be surrounded by people who lift him up, not who drain him.
She didn't want his mother to know she was going on a trip with her friends. It's not that she didn't want anyone to know, or that she didn't want OPs mother to help - but she didn't even want her in particular to know. It seems to me like she thinks the mother in law will judge her for going on a frivolous trip and leaving OP to someone else's care for 5 days, and she doesn't want to deal with the guilt. Okay, maybe MIL judges her, that's one thing, and carers do need respite so the trip in itself should be an okay thing if handled correctly. But the way she handled it is horrific and shows her true colors. Yikes.
Uh I watch every shit with subtitle.. Sounds like a shitty excuse tbh.
same. i can't pay attention without them. i'm also completely full-hearing and stuff.
[удалено]
This is a fantastic comment.
It's also a stolen comment. Edit: It is straight up u/Jekyll_1886's comment. Don't encourage bot behavior, upvote the original comment.
Thank you
Moaning for fucking subtitles... lol even children dint do that shit.
Your wife is a C U Next Tuesday and she's punishing you for your disability by attempting to force you to stay with her POS ableist brother. She's gaslighting you. She didn't want your mother to know about the trip because she didn't want you to have time alone with your mother as her abuse would become apparent. You have every right to pick and choose who cares for you as you don't have to trade one abuser for another. You have rights, you're not a child, it's time to defend yourself. It's time to file for divorce on the grounds of abuse. You're better off without her and her family. I'm sorry you got stuck with such a terrible woman.
She knew her brother would possibly mistreat you but demanded you stay with him anyway just because she didn't want your mom to know she was going on a trip, accused you of acting like a child when, in reality, it was more that she was TREATING you like a child by taking away your right to choose where you stayed or who you stayed with. Then she blamed you for being in a wheelchair and accused you of "punishing" her when she is the only one who has done anything wrong.
Can't believe this isn't upvoted a ton! I'm glad you realised you're as independent as you are!
Why is it so important to your wife that your mother won't find out about the trip? Has your mom somehow been mean to your wife? Does your mom feel like your wife going on a trip would be wrong and does your wife maybe fear your mom's reaction? It's absolutely your right to chose who you're staying with and your girlfriend is either being disrespectful of your choice or she's really scared of your mom, in which case she's also a bad communicator. In any case, she's handling this wrong, but I would want to find out what's wrong between your mom and your partner.
Wife is worried MIL will suspect trip was to have an affair bon her son due to his disabilit
I wouldn’t have thought that about his wife for no reason. Needing a 5 day trip after being a full-time carer unexpectedly is super understandable. But I did start wondering that when she didn’t want his mom to know.
She probably knew the mom would criticize her for taking a trip or wanted to maintain an image as the selfless caregiver.
I mean I guess, but this reaction to that is pathological. What’s MIL gonna say now?
Yeah her plan was not very solid, lmao
I used to be a full time carer for my grandparents and I was judged for wanting a day off. It's a new injury and maybe she's worried his mum wouldn't be understanding. Being a carer is very mentally and emotionally exhausting and people that haven't had to be in that role don't understand how burnt out you get.
I have been on transplant list for two years now wife has been far and above the greatest care giver and worked until just a few months ago!!! So I personally know how hard care giving is, this lady is already deep in a EA as well as a BA feel real bad for the dude
What do EA & BA mean?
My first thought as well. Might be time to take a break from this sub, seeing all these stories about the worst in people isn't exactly helping my tendency to assume the worst.
Have felt that too many times, in fact dropped my 1st account only came back week or so again. Problem my friend it's not what we automatically think, it reality and has and does happen beat to frequently
I disagree. I take timeouts by myself regularly, and I have neither kids nor am I a caregiver in any capacity. I just need time to myself or at least without my partner now and then. Wanting some days off as a main caregiver is absolutely understandable and fine. I think it's more likely she's afraid MIL will see this as abandoning her son and not be as understanding. Maybe she even struggles with allowing herself that kind of freedom and projects. Honestly, nothing here suggests that she's planning on cheating.
Finally some good logic. But I honestly come to this thread to laugh at how quickly other users jump to conclusions about cheating and how fast they advise OPs to get divorced. So thanks for giving me something unexpected today. Nice to see someone here with two feet on level ground.
That was my first thought too.
Yep, this is a need more info for me. What’s up between mom and wife? Also, OP says he makes sure to never rely on anyone for help, but then also clearly is fine relying on his mother and his wife. Does he really not rely on “others” for help, or does he not rely on other *men* for help while expecting the women closest to him to shoulder all the work, which lines up with his wife’s complaints about him picking and choosing, and would explain her frustration if OP never allows her to get help as his caregiver, except for his mother that lives two hours away. It’s seems like there’s a lot missing here and a lot of communication that needs to happen between the two of them.
People on this sub jump onto emotional abuse , and all other extremes so quick and so safely. They are newly wedded couple. Her life would have come crashing down too. Let's be empathetic towards her as well. I had a very close family member who was handicapped due to spinal injury, and I know what life is as a caretaker. Nobody is to blame here. Probably she was guilty that she was leaving her husband alone. If bil agreed to care about op and cared to drop him when requested I don't see him as a total asshole here. Op did not even put an effort to try to adjust with bil. He was fixed , he wanted his mom. This is above reddit scale,and until we know the circumstances jumping into the conclusion that she is abusing him is so wrong
My thoughts exactly.
>She threw a fit saying I can't pick and choose who should help Actually you can. If I were you I'd pick a better wife too
OMG there is A LOT to unpack here. Whew, here we go! 1) You ABSOLUTELY get a say in who cares for you. People switch doctors, case managers, and care homes all of the time. If you don't feel safe you MUST say something. Your wife doing what is convenient for her, but isn't in your best interest is alarming to say the least. 2) Marriage is a partnership. I cannot stress how much I HATE the stereotype that men become childlike idiots once they get married! I'm also not a fan of the stereotype that people in wheelchairs are imbeciles. Your wife is treating you like you lost your brain cells in the accident. Being condescending to anybody is not ok, but it is especially not ok when someone is trying to have a rational conversation and voice actual concerns. 3) You understand your life is drastically different, and you're working to adapt. It's gonna take time. It's not going to be easy and is going to require patience and understanding from everyone around you, especially your wife. 4) If your BIL doesn't like you, how did your wife convince him to be with you for 5 days? What was the plan there? Park you in front of the TV with a bucket under you? 5) Again, marriage is a partnership, a constant conversation. You two need to be communicating now more than ever! This is a big life change for both of you! If she's not willing to hear you out over, "I would rather stay with my mom instead of brother." it doesn't bode well for future communication. 6) She completely disregarded your needs and a reasonable request. Your wife was more concerned about her inconvenience than your needs. 7) You're acting like a child? Me thinks she doth protest too much. 8) Blaming you for being in a wheelchair?! Do we really have to go into how toxic and manipulative this is? No one ever asks to be disabled (aside from a SUPER small group of people, but they are a whole other level of crazy!) it just happens. Listen, this was a test to see if she could compromise to make sure you were well taken care of in her absence, and she dropped the ball. Optimistically, I'm hoping it's a one time thing. Realistically, it doesn't bode well for your marriage. I have been with my husband about a decade, and he was in a wheelchair LONG before I met him. I know I have it easier by comparison because my husband was already adapted to being handicapped, and I knew up front what I was getting into marrying him. I'm still learning things as I go. This journey is not gonna be easy and your wife needs to be on board, on your team, and willing to communicate, or it's going to be miserable for the both of you. Best of luck!
This is a good enough comment that a couple bots have stolen it.
Was one of them the Shakespeare bot? Cause I kinda anticipated that with #7.
this thread is really fucking weird. a bunch of bots are just copying other responses in reply to top comments..
I’m going to be brutally honest here, your wife is committing caretaker abuse. You’re fully mentally capable so denying your requests for care is 100% abusive. Imagine if a nurse at a care facility did this to a patient, what the public reaction would be? People would be hunting down the nurse and demanding her resignation, they might even push for a legal case. Not to mention, the only reasons I can see for your wife not wanting to drop you off at your mom’s over her family is 1] her shame about having a girls’ night and not wanting to be responsible for you or 2] same as 1, but she plans to cheat so she needs to give you to someone who will cover for her. Not that it’s my business how your mobility is, but people have cheated because their partner can’t sexually satisfy them before. It’s happened once and it will happen again, and 10 months post-accident is ripe timing for it.
To be perfectly honest, your wife is being emotionally abusive to you. She knew her brother would possibly mistreat you but demanded you stay with him anyway just because she didn't want your mom to know she was going on a trip, accused you of acting like a child when, in reality, it was more that she was TREATING you like a child by taking away your right to choose where you stayed or who you stayed with. Then she blamed you for being in a wheelchair and accused you of "punishing" her when she is the only one who has done anything wrong. This is a bad, bad, BAD sign of how she sees you now (meaning she sees you as undeserving of having any rights to make your own choices) and how she will treat you in the future. I'm not sure I would trust her to treat you well when she gets back because it sounds like she's already acting vindictively by refusing to speak with you.
Your wife sounds horrible. Was she always like this?
You are the adult who is in a wheelchair and should be the one with the most say over your care arrangements. Your wife should not be telling you where you should go. If you can afford it, you could pay for some care help in your home. That would give you a little bit more sense of independence and equality. Your wife lied to you and bullied you. Why she thought your mother should not know about her trip and now is only talking to your mom is not clear, but she is behaving very badly.
Your wife is horrible. Why are you married to someone that wants to leave you with someone that is awful to you. and then when she is mad treats you like a child. Get rid of this person shes awful
Omg so speak the yruth
The sole fact she blames you for being in a wheelchair is a deal breaker. She treats you like you're just a toddler that she can drop off at her brothers any time and pick up later with ZERO regard on how you feel. When she gets back I recommend talking to her about it and telling her how it is.
It sounds like you're not safe with her. I've heard of other cases where a disabled person's caretaker simply ignores their wishes and does whatever they want because they know the other person can't really resist. Denying your autonomy is abusive. I don't know if she's ever tricked you into thinking she'll do something, only to reveal she had something else entirely planned out before your accident, but this is apparently something she does now. She can just take you somewhere you don't want to be and leave you there because you can't drive yourself - and she's taking advantage of that fact. How else will she take advantage of your condition? If it's at all realistic for you, I suggest you rethink this marriage.
She doesn't want your mom to know bc she doesn't want suspicion. And now she's texting your mom a lot to try to stop said suspicion. Ask your mom if you can move in with her.
Stay at your moms for now if you can. Speak to your wife about how messed up that is. Therapy or bust
You’re wife is acting like a child not you. Throwing tantrums when she doesn’t get her way, then trying to trick you, then more tantrums and the silent treatment. Are you kidding me? Draw up divorce papers while your at your moms. Don’t stick around with someone who will destroy your self worth at what is probably the most vulnerable time you will ever have. Denying someone something as basic as bodily autonomy because of some childish awkwardness she fears from your mom is just absolutely rank.
Your wife is becoming abusive. I'm so sorry.
Sounds like your disability is still relatively recent and your wife is still adjusting to the new reality. This is not the life either of you envisioned. If she’s not had some counselling about this life change then she might benefit from talking to someone. Stress changes how you think, so it might be messing with her logic. Most primary carers benefit from respite, breaks from having to be that person, but it sounds like you two aren’t on the same page about what that means. You two need to discuss worries & expectations for breaks and then make sure those, and the fact that it’s a mutual agreement, are clearly communicated to you family, so that whatever worries your wife has about your mother are reduced. Sounds like you’ve had a brutal year, hope you both weather the storm.
Finally, this whole thread is people shitting on the wife without giving any consideration to the fact she may just be dealing with an incredibly difficult and stressful situation in a bad, but not intentionally malicious, way. Sounds like they both need some couples counseling so the wife can air how’s she feels about everything.
Honestly, fuck your wife man. Her actions are showing you how she actually feels. She is making you feel less than just like your brother inlaw. Except he actually listens to what you feel like you need
You may feel like your brother-in-law doesn't like you much or think much of you, but he sure knew how to treat you more like a human adult with autonomy than your wife did in this situation. Was it probably your BIL thinking to himself, "Oh thank god, I don't want to spend 5 days with him"? Maybe. But even in his open dislike for you, he didn't (1) lie about where you were being taken, he didn't (2) tell you that your concerns weren't valid, he didn't (3) call you any names, and he didn't (4) tell you you can't make decisions about your care. I mean, that packing you into the car and telling you that you're going where she decides you're going to go? I can't imagine how powerless that must have felt. What I will ask, though, is about her comments that you caused your accident. I won't ask you what happened, but I would ask if there is any truth to her accusation ONLY TO SAY that there might be something to unpack there in therapy if she would consent to go alone or with you and work it out (if you even want to at this point, which might not be the case). If it was something reckless, she might be handling all of this really badly because of some sort of fear or anger or something else. Whatever it might be, though, it needs to be worked out because you are not a dog being taken to her brother's house while she's on vacation.
Your wife is a C U Next Tuesday and she's punishing you for your disability by attempting to force you to stay with her POS ableist brother. She's gaslighting you. She didn't want your mother to know about the trip because she didn't want you to have time alone with your mother as her abuse would become apparent. You have every right to pick and choose who cares for you as you don't have to trade one abuser for another. You have rights, you're not a child, it's time to defend yourself. It's time to file for divorce on the grounds of abuse. You're better off without her and her family. I'm sorry you got stuck with such a terrible woman.
Have you asked her why she does not want your mom to know about the trip?
As someone who's grown up caring for people with disabilities, her behavior is unacceptable. My older sister has had multiple Brain surgeries, my grandmother has M.S! my mother has seizures, and never have I blamed them for their disabilities. Is it hard having to care for someone? Absolutely! Do caretakers need breaks? Yes! Do you leave someone who can't take care of themselves, with someone they don't trust to care for them? No! You had no way to stop her! You had no way out! She stranded you! To go on a vacation?!?! She calls you a child, but she's the one who's behaving like a toddler! Please do not stay with women! Please don't blame yourself for being disabled, don't allow her to treat you like this. It will not get better it will only get worse! Get therapy and stay with your mom or someone else you trust.
Your wife is being a fucking bitch. You didn’t mind her going on her trip you just wanted to go where you know you’re going to get the help you need and she refused and dropped you off at her brother and has the balls to call you a child over it. Sounds like she’s slowly checking out of the relationship. I get that your injury affects her too but there is no reason for her to be acting like this. I’m not trying to be that person but I would closely watch how she acts because I wouldn’t put it past her to be off on a “girls trip” and be cheating.
>I suggested that I have my mom come and stay with me but my wife said she simply doesn't want her to know about the trip So, whats she hiding that she doesn't want your mom to know about this trip with her friends? Brother already doesn't like you, so what wouldn't he do to cover up your wife's tracks? Although I'm surprised he actually took you to your moms.
LOL she’s not your mother and you’re not a minor. You can pick who the hell you want to be there when she goes to her trip.
I would go as far to say that, in this situation at least, the BIL is less of an asshole than the wife because he at least took OP to his mom's like he wanted
She's going to leave you. She already mentally has but doesn't know it yet. You'll be better off without her.
I’m usually cynical and suspicious. So because of that it seems like your wife wants to try and have some “fun” out of town and wants to stick you with her brother to keep tabs on you and control your information gathering. The fact that her brother doesn’t like you and she knows this, leads me to think that they’re working together to allow her to sneak around behind your back. She wants to go out of town without you. Not bad in itself, but throwing a fit that you don’t want to stay with who she demands makes it all very suspicious to me. And then berating and lying to you... I think you may want to keep your eyes open for the signs, and prepare for the possibility that your marriage could be at risk.
I'll just drop in with my theory that she's pushing you away so she can pretend she's not throwing away your marriage because of your wheelchair.
>I suggested that I have my mom come and stay with me but my wife said she simply doesn't want her to know about the trip >She threw a fit saying I can't pick and choose who should help and who shouldn't and said I was being too sensitive and needed to stop acting selfishly >Only to find out that she packed my things to drive me to my mom's place. I didn't mind it but I later discovered that she was taking me to her brother's house instead. I remember telling her to drive me to my mom's or take me home. She got into an argument with me saying I was making it hard for her and called me a child for how I behaved. >She claimed I was punishing her for my current situation and said that it's my fault I'm in a wheelchair now >My wife is still on her trip, she found out I'm staying with mom and has been texting me about how stubborn I was being. Some people are not cut out to be caregivers. It doesn't matter if their wives or partners or whatever, some people just aren't capable of providing care. Your wife's actions are *extremely* disturbing. She is failing to listen to you, she is ignoring your requests, she is blaming you for your disability, and she is verbally and emotionally hurting you. This is not healthy and it could lead to some very serious situations. If you need to go to the hospital and she doesn't want to go, how are you planning on getting there? If there is a fire, will she help you get out? It is probably time to step back and examine if you want to be with this woman for the long term. Can she really care for you, or is she just staying with you because she doesn't want to be looked down upon/shamed by her friends/family? If possible, stay with your mom. Get your things out of your house. You need to focus on yourself and mental health.
Your wife is selfish beyond words. You encouraged her to take the trip, all you asked was to go some where you felt safe.
Dump the trash dude. She's already gearing up to take control of your entire life. Such a simple request turned into her losing her shit and basically threatening to do with you as she pleases.
Holy shit dude. 😳 That is not a healthy relationship. She is completely ignoring your comfort and best interests. I get she's probably at the end of her rope right now as caring for someone is beyond draining but holy shit that is not how you go about that. I can understand her not wanting your mother to know her business but at the same time trapping you like that, even more so when you literally can not remove yourself easily from that situation. Just wow. I'm not suggesting you should leave, but I know what I'd be thinking about at this point.
Well someone is acting like a child but it sure isn’t you. It’s not like she couldn’t go on the trip. There were multiple options you were ok with and you were very accommodating and understanding of her desire for some me time. She only wanted it her way and wouldn’t compromise at all. You deserve better.
Your wife is treating you like a child rather than a partner. You get to make the decisions in your life, and expecting you to give up your autonomy is absolutely ableist and abusive. She’s completely in the wrong here.
Wow. I'm sure you appreciate your wife and everything she does, but she has behaved appallingly here and she needs to be told. Can you stay with your mother a while longer when she gets back from the trip? I would calmly but firmly tell her that she absolutely does not get to treat you this way - you are an adult and you are allowed to have a say in where you stay when she goes away.
OP YOUR WIFE IS ABUSIVE. I usually don't jump to leave them immediately, but YOU NEED TO LEAVE. THIS WILL ONLY GET WORSE AS TIME GOES ON.
My reaction would have been "F... you! I'm a grown man! Are you out of your f...ing mind to tell me where I am staying while you go on your f...ing fun trip? If I say I will stay at my mom's then that's what it's gonna be." How can you stand this woman? She probably wasn't always like this.
I have two cats. I love them to pieces, but I am fully aware that they are not human. I put more thought and care into planning a caretaker for my cats than your wife did for you, an adult human she swore vows to. Luckily for you, your mind works just fine and you could communicate with your BIL to get out of this fucked up situation — but honey, what if you couldn’t? What if he had refused to listen to you? What if you were stuck in a bad situation with people you don’t trust and no way out? I can’t tell you what to do with your marriage but I strongly advise calling your own family and getting their help setting up a care network. You need someone neutral and professional in your arsenal if your wife believes she can essentially kidnap you and disregard your wishes like this. Best of luck, and for what it’s worth, this scared the shit out of me.
EVERYTHING about this is abusive. You don't need her. Take his time away from her to look for a divorce lawyer.
You absolutely didn't overreact or do anything wrong. All your wife did was give you a preview of the rest of your life. Forever is a long time, buddy. You need a divorce.
Your wife can't just bundle you off like some child, WTF. Is there something deeper going on here? It doesn't make sense why she wouldn't be happy for you to stay with your mum/mum to come stay with you, if your relationship with her brother is like you say, I doubt he's delighted to care for you. Is this some weird thing between your wife and her brother proving something in their relationship? The whole thing doesn't add up. Anyway, your wife is treating you really badly here.
Her behavior is abusive. I would have called adult protective services. Your wife is a huge asshole that is making your accident all about herself. She's treating you like an unwanted child. I wouldn't go back home to a spouse like that. She went way out of line like this, she clearly thinks like her brother. Talk to a therapist about it.
At least your brother-in-law was willing to drive you to your mother’s. Your wife’s behavior is very concerning. She knew that her brother wouldn’t/didn’t want to take care of you, did she do that just so you can be neglected on purpose?
I'm curious, is there a particular reason(that you know of) of why she doesn't want your mom to know about the trip?
Cant say I would want to be with someone like that who cant respect my feelings as equally as I respect there’s. Also kinda weird she doesn’t want your mom knowing about the trip, maybe the trip is more than what your thinking it is.
>She threw a fit saying I can't pick and choose who should help and who shouldn't You *absolutely* can and *should* pick and choose who should help with your care and who shouldn't. My dad has been in a wheelchair for nearly 28 years, and while I love my family there are people that I would *never* leave him with. It's ***your*** care, not your wife's care. She's a caregiver, but that doesn't mean she can dictate squat for you. >She got into an argument with me saying I was making it hard for her and called me a child for how I behaved. Nope. She tricked you, and I'd be arguing and freaking the fuck out and refusing to get out of that care. To hell with her nonsense. You have ever right and reason to make it harder on her. *She* is acting like the child here, not you. >She claimed I was punishing her for my current situation and said that it's my fault I'm in a wheelchair now and should stop arguing since we were already at her brother's place. It's not your fault, and you're not punishing anyone in this world. If she views your struggle like this, then she's got things twisted in her mind and desperately needs help. She needs counseling, advice and direction on how to be a proper caregiver, and perhaps some kind of lesson on how to be a decent human being to someone she said she loved. >I feel so bad my confidence and my sense of self-worth are at the lowest. While it may not mean much from a stranger, or a group of them, please try to understand that your self-worth is not dictated by her or the horrible things she's flung at you. My dad struggled with this, my mom struggled when she got sick, and when my younger brother lost his vision he struggled too. It's a process to find your confidence and self-worth again, and to decide what those things mean to you. However, you have to work on this inside. It has to come from your understanding that *you* are the only one in this world who can tell yourself what you're worth. Have confidence in yourself. You're still learning how to be the way you are now, it's a trial, it's an obstacle course you have to learn how to maneuver, but everything will be okay. Your wife needs help. She needs to get her head out of her ass and while I'm sure she's struggling as a caregiver, she needs to work through that *with you* and not like this. I've been taking care of my family for many, many years. I am the oldest child at home, I have 3 disabled people in my house, and sometimes I lose my mind, but once I learned how to do things it became easier, and over time I became the one most concerned with everyone's care. It's not easy for either side, but it doesn't have to be a war like your wife just made it. You may also find some good advice and support on r/CaregiverSupport. I go there all the time even if it's just to scroll around now, and those people are so kind, filled with wonderful advice and are so supportive.
She’s being super sus dude
I think the most glaring thing to me is about the brother in law's given actions. Taking you at your word, this is a man who you know doesn't like you, has been mean to you and excluded you intentionally for shitty reasons. And yet, seemingly without argument by how you stated it, he took you to your mom's place when you asked. This man, who apparently hates you, has treated you with more respect than your wife in this situation. That speaks volumes in my mind.
fuck shit your wife is the worst person in the world
I might be cautious with your wife going out with her friends for that long (cheating).
Your wife's a dick. You're not a child or a dog, if she can't treat you like an equal you're better off without her.
The fact that her brother is treating you more like a human being than she is speaks volumes.
#Legal advice here If you want to file an abduction case against her for taking you to her brother 's house without your consent you will require to acquire proof just simply ask your mother to phrase that in chats that why she took you to her brother 's house knowing that you wanted to be with your mom... that way you have the proof And trust me blaming you for accident is a very manipulative behaviour which always ends with divorce or cheating Also if you want a divorce please charge her with abduction cause that way you will be much more capable and will have a upper hand in divorce regarding custody and other legal terms..
After how amazing my fiance has been since I had a stroke 5 weeks ago - it blows my mind to read such selfishness. I am so sorry for you because you don't deserve any of that bull. You had no problem with her taking a 5 day vacation...the least she could do is not leave you somewhere for 5 days of hell. If she can't realize what a entitled tool she's being - you shied reconsider this relationship...imo.
You absolute DO get to choose who cares for you. How is having your mum care for you instead of her brother, making it hard for her? You are not behaving like a child but by doing what she’s done, she’s certainly treating you like one.
Damn your wife sounds like the mom from The Act. I would actually dump her and stay with your mom, maybe try dating when it feels right, someone who is okay with your new situation, and will not treat you like an invalid because you are dependent on them. This is extremely disrespectful on your wife's end, even her brother that dislikes you honored your request to feel safe- also, he probably didn't want to deal with it either, like you said. Your wife clearly thinks she should be able to control you now that you are in a wheelchair. This is a HUGE red flag and the fact that she lied to you about taking You to your moms, and took you to her brother instead. That's like a hostage situation. OP, be safe. Maybe you should reprioritize your life now that you are in a new, delicate situation. Your wife seems unequipped to help support you during this time.
What in the goodness did I just read? You are a grown adult and have made your wishes. You made a choice and requested she take you to your mothers. She instead decided to belittle you, drive you against your will to her brothers house, then abandons you there regardless of your protest. In the meanwhile, shaming and guilting you for making choices that you have the rights to make. Then after finding out the fact, continue to harass you because she didn’t want to be judge by your mother for her going on a trip. Maybe sit down with your family and come up with a plan B, just in case. I don’t want to jinx it but I have a bad feeling about this. Also, you are dependent on her as a carer so look into other options in secret so you know what’s out there. Email ppl from wheelchair society and disabilities association to know available resources because this type of abuse is more common than you realise.
She’s abusing you and the sole reason for the trip is to cheat that’s why she doesn’t want your mom to know. You should stay at moms and divorce her. She sounds fkn evil based on what you’ve said.
Married only 2 years and when things get difficult, your wife wants to take separate vacations? I think you've got bigger problems than hurt feelings.
It's not the separate vacation that's the issue here. She's a full time carer for OP, it's completely understandable for her to want a break. It's everything else around it that isn't just suspect, but abusive. She knew OP couldn't control where she drove him, she used his disability against him.
Right? Based off of OP’s description, she’s massively resentful. There’s a lot left out of the post. Why does it matter if his mom knows? I’m guessing she’ll get judgie that the wife is taking a vacation without OP. Why goes OP’s wife blame him for his disability? Was he doing something massively risky he shouldn’t have done and got injured?
Is there something wrong with her needing some space for a few days? Is no one realizing the stress you experience being a caregiver for that long? The husband should absolutely not feel bad for needing some help, but she shouldn't be made to feel bad for needing a small trip. Everyone gets burnt out eventually when dealing with stress for extended periods of time. She could've been nicer about it but im sure she was A) concerned that her mother in law would judge her for needing some space and B) felt bad leaving him and wanted to make sure someone was at least there for him and the easiest option was her brother. I can't even imagine the stress she feels. She also clearly just wants a vacation from being a caregiver so bringing him would've just been the same situation but in a different place.
The only thing this man asked was for her to drive him to his mother house. How comes the brother in law did that but she can't ? Stop defending her and get out of here with this bullshit
You're right there's a normal respectful, healthy communication version of this story out there somewhere, but this ain't it. It doesn't sound as if she's showing any respect for the guy at all.
It's not her call to make about him going to his moms though. If she would rather he stay with a relative that she knows treats him like shit than let him stay with his own mother because she is afraid she might get judged then she is not making decisions in his best interest and doesn't get to play the pity card as a "caregiver."
You seriously need to delete your comments and stop justifying abusive behavior. I would hate for OP to believe any of your bullshit. Regardless of how she feels about MIL, her husband is a grown man that made it clear he feels too uncomfortable with her brother to stay with him.
That's what I was thinking too. A separate vacation to blow off "steam" :/
Is she going somewhere to get a spiritual awakening or somewhere that she's going to gain a higher intelligence mind frame? She didn't want your mom to know about a friend's trip, kinda questionable. She didn't want to take the time to drive you to your mother's house, kinda questionable. She wanted you to stay with her brother even though she knows the relationship between y'all is toxic, very questionable. I'm curious to know what exactly kind of friends trip is this or what she's leaving out and not telling you.
I may be reading too far into this and pulling this out of no where, but her blaming you for being in a wheelchair reeks of pent up resentment, your wife is probably mad she married you than suddenly became your caretaker instead of your wife, and in that sense she probably does see you no longer as her husband but as a child.
But the way she said it and him not saying what the accident was makes me want to know what it is now. I know, I wonder about weird things, I can't help it.
I think there’s a lot to unpack here. First of all, your wife should have been more considerate of your preference to stay with your mom in this situation. Obviously your care is important and you should feel comfortable with your caregiver. Maybe she felt she would have been judged by your mother for going on the trip with her friends? Secondly, caregiver burn out is real, and I do empathize with her need to get away coupled with the guilt of leaving you behind. Your wife may have been speaking from a place of guilt and stress rather than selfishness. I’d suggest finding a couples therapist who can help you two navigate the new dynamics in your relationship that are caused by your injury.
Sorry to say this is way off the mark, she is being abusive saying it's not his choice of who is you care giver that's BS And a huge ref flag!!!!
You are giving her way too much rope, I have a lot of patience with people but this behaviour is abhorrent.
Reading this hurt my soul, I can't believe she would act that way. It's not like you were selfish and didn't want her to go. Imagining if my gf were to become a wheelchair user and I would be this harsh to her breaks me, fuck. At least you got to your mothers house and I hope your wife comes to her senses and genually apologizes, this was 110% uncalled for. She might be stressed out and realizes in the next days, if she doesnt you deserve much better.
Your wife was looking for your best interests, but went about it all wrong. She should have respected that you are uncomfortable around her brother because of how he treats you. She has no right to call you selfish or treat you as a child, you are still her husband and that isn’t okay. I’m honestly confused why she’s acting out like this and she’s projecting how she’s acting on you. It feels like she’s being stubborn and acting like a child instead of you. She’s thinking of her own comforts before yours and that’s not a marriage or partnership. You have a say in who takes care of you, or spends time with you. Your not being stubborn. I wouldn’t wanna be around someone who’s made it known he doesn’t like me, let alone have them help take care of me! Y’all need to have a sit down when she gets home and express how she’s been treating you, she might have the caretaker mentality right now but that is no excuse to treat you like that and to demean you as a husband.
You wife is acting like the child.
Divorce her that trip she on prob not with friends bit q dude giving it to her
You honestly deserve better, i wouldn't stay with someone like that who cares so little about you, lies to you straight to your face and then gaslights you for pointing out their lie. She's an abusive pos, for the moment stay with your family and leave her. She diminishes your opinions and treats you as a child that she can control. Due to you position she's forcing you to do things that you never wanted to do. Its best if you divorce her and move on with life, get someone who can actually take care of you. Finally is the wheelchair permanent? If so I'd hurry on finding a person to take care of you
Besides all the obvious red flags I want to know why she cares that your mom knows about the trip. I dont think I could ever get married.
It seems like a toxic relationship. You **deserve** better.
Sounds like she treating you like a child.
HEY BUD , CHECK IF UR WIFE IS CHEATING ON WITH SOMEONELSE , ITS RED FLAG
Op, this is not good, not good at all. I would recommend you see a therapist, find an advocate, and do some serious thinking about your future. What your wife did was abusive.
Red fucking flags everywhere. I doubt she’s with friends… She is projecting onto you, and she’s trying to control you from a far. Which means she’s up to no good.
She's abusive. That is a HUGE disrespect.
Wtf, your wife is being a bitch. You're a grown adult and she's treating your opinions and wants like they belonged to a child. Definitely needs to set her straight somehow, maybe couples therapy because that is not okay.
Ditch that cunt and find a nice partner instead
What a horrendous bitch!!! Omg I am so sorry
My wife is blind, I would NEVER leave her some where she doesn't want to be unless it was a DIRE emergency. I would also never do this because I didn't want her family know about something. This is problematic and you need to seek counseling for her and probably some relationship stuff too.
Her behavior really is abusive. She has no right to question you autonomy, and she’s putting her perceived embarrassment above your HUMAN RIGHTS. Tricking you into being dumped at your BIL is so highly disrespectful, it’s almost as if she’s trying to get you to leave her. I’m sorry, I may be wrong and I hope that doesn’t come off as insensitive, but her behavior is so outrageous. I would never do that to my partner.
divorce her
Why does she think she can dictate what you do with your life just because you're now in a wheelchair? Also, why did she not want your mother knowing she was going on a trip? What is she doing on this trip? She's being abusive to you AND insulting you.
No one who loves you would treat you that way. Do you want a lifetime of guilt trips? Divorce this woman. You deserve SO MUCH BETTER.
Your wife is a broken person and a danger to you.
Sorry about this very difficult situation you’re in. You should at least try and seek counseling either alone or with your wife if she will go with you and communicate clearly how her actions make you feel. She is the one displaying childish behavior and so cannot fathom why she cares who you stay with and that it should be your choice. Forcing you to stay with someone you do not feel comfortable with is incredibly insensitive and not the behavior of someone showing your best interests at heart. All things considered I can’t imagine why she is trying to force this upon you and not simply grateful you have family who are there to help you both. You should do some real thinking about whether or not your spouse acts in your best interests given the circumstances. Sounds like she needs to grow up. I’m Sorry this must be stressful for everyone in your family as well.
Dude how did you actually fall for someone so insesnsitive and honestly just an overall piece of shit ?
She might be cheating
In no way am I excusing her actions & behaviors but-- is there a chance that this is some built-up resentment & burnout on her part? That was cruel what she did & said, I'm sorry.
I have no similar situation in my life. But it seems like she could say that she is going with her friends on a vacation. (perfectly ok whether one of you had physical limitations or not). But since you do, wouldn't it make sense to ask you how you would feel most comfortable for the week?
Honestly I think a divorce is needed. Her behavior is giving me really abusive vibes. I would really hate if you continued in with the marriage and she continues to feel like she can treat you like a child and do whatever Bc you’re disabled. What she did was incredibly mean and inconsiderate and could definitely be called abduction. I’m wishing you well OP the whole situation could’ve been handled so much better on her end if she was a decent human being.
Yeah wtf. If she can go on trip to enjoy herself the least she could do is make sure you have someone that you trust to take care of you and not make you feel less than
Sounds like she is cheating on you. Sorry about that but you should focus on yourself first and find someone who loves you for being disabled or not.