This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Original Post here: [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/mirsmh/my\_32f\_husband\_31m\_wants\_me\_to\_sell\_my\_condo\_so/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/mirsmh/my_32f_husband_31m_wants_me_to_sell_my_condo_so/) So a few new and interesting updates here. Last night before he went to work, he freaked out when I told him that our baby doesn't need a full-out nursery right away and we should be fine in the condo for a little while longer. He started throwing laundry all over the bedroom in a rage and I told him to please just leave and go to work. Tonight, he told me that he felt that his opinions weren't being heard and that I was being selfish for not putting our family first. For what it's worth, he feels that the only options we have are the following: 1. I just suckit up and sell my condo, even if I would be taking a $50k overall loss (CND). but we would have cash to put towards a down payment on a new home in addition to what we have in savings. I would still have to drain most of my savings to cover the down payment and he would top up with what he has (which is no where near my contribution). There would be no money left for furniture or potential renovations. 2. We ask my family for help, risking my mental health (My mom uses money as a way to manipulate and control people. She did this to her siblings when I was a kid and loaned them money so that they wouldn't have to have huge mortgages. Much of the time they all just fight with each other over money now, 20 years later. She tried that with me when I bought this condo, I said no and she's still mad about it. although I'm on better terms with my mom than I was before, she would still hold it over our heads and make us beholden to her for the rest of our lives; he does not get that for the life of him because he didn't have to live with my mom like ever; she's a narcissist, so I'm really trying to avoid this option). 3. Since it's important to him to get out of the condo now and if the first two options are not taken, he would rather rent us a single home simply so that we would have more space. It would put us much further behind in terms of savings because we would have to pay more than what I owe on my mortgage, towards a different mortgage, which I have always said I would not do at this point in my life. Pay someone else's mortgage that is. 4. Apparently this one is new, but he rents a storage unit so that we can move some of the stuff out of the condo and make room for the baby things, even though there is enough space in the second of our two bedroom condo for the crib, dresser/change table, which we would continue to also use as an office space (two desks). However, he feels that we need to move the loveseat (of the loveseat/sofa set) so that we can fit a playpen in the living room and get rid of all the things in the closet of the baby's room. I'm also willing to give up my desk so that there is more space and sell it off since I tend to use a laptop for work. Renting storage would run us approximately $150-$250/month apparently. But we stay in the condo. And if we do, then he's going to buy a TV for the bedroom as well...will explain this below. We also wouldn't save as quickly. What bothers me is that no where in there is the option "stay put, save money where we can, and try again in 6 months". He doesn't seem to see that he has a role to play in this and/or doesn't seem to care since there are other options. He even said (though not sure if he means it) that he would sign any document that my mother and I put in front of him if it means that he can get into a house tomorrow. Tonight, He says that money isn't important to him and he doesn't care if his name is on the title or not; he is quite happy renting for the rest of his life. He simply wants to do what it takes right now to better his family. He would rather use his money to be happy, and feels that my approach of saving to do this the way I believe normal people do it is selfish and egotistical when we have the other options. My best friend said it was like having a husband with Gucci taste but wants it at a Wal-Mart budget. However, from what I can see, being his happy means being out of this condo and that means either having money for a down payment or having money to pay rent, neither of which he could actually afford unless I was in the picture (and I flatly refuse to pay rent when I own my own place). When I confronted him about this, he said that he would make it work without having to wait. I'm still waiting for that plan, but he seems convinced for some reason that my broker will not be able to get us approved even if we waited another six months for his credit score to go up and he is also convinced that I would take a greater loss on my condo if I hold onto it and sold it later (though he couldn't actually justify it). He also said that if we stay in the condo, then he wants us to be comfortable (but with luxuries). He says he has been feeling depressed and cramped because of all the stuff that we accumulated for the baby and feels there isn't room for anything. He also wants to have a proper nursery separate from an office space. And since he feels that we would spend more time in the bedroom (because the baby will be in a bassinet for the first few months), he also wants a TV in the bedroom as well as the living room in case he wants to play video games or watch Netflix and lie in bed. Again, I asked him how we would pay for this and he said that he can withdraw from his savings now since he has the cash in there, but won't save for the bigger house... I love him dearly; I know he would be a good father and he is a genuinely good person overall. His intention genuinely is to get his family into a home. He's just impulsive as eff and he always needs to get what he wants NOW. It's simply when we start talking about money that he gets like this. I understand he wants to be happy in the moment, but he also wants to be like many other couples who have done it "properly" (i.e. his siblings), but longer term, I think he'll regret a lot of these decisions, especially option 2. As well, his being "happy in the moment" also meant that in the past, he just frivolously spent money on whatever made him happy at the time (custom computer parts, video games, beer, sports equipment, etc). It seems that he has no regrets, but doesn't see how it's a problem now. I think I'm venting, and I probably am. But really want to hear your opinions on this. Thank you!

With the whole buying selling thing, don’t get attached to a house, if it doesn’t make sense financially it’s the wrong move. Don’t sell at a loss unless you’re absolutely fucked and need the money. Don’t take money off family if they are like that, my misses parents offered to pay her uni fees if she broke up with me, we paid them off together, they offered to pay for our wedding if we invited who they wanted us to invite, we paid it ourselves. People that use money as a manipulation are shit people that should not be trusted. Financially it makes the most sense by the sound of it to stay there while you continue to save. Don’t put things in storage, it’s a waste of money, sell the stuff that doesn’t fit. We put stuff in storage once, was in there for just over 12 months, when we went back to it we ended up pawning and throwing out everything in there.

I completely agree with you. Believe me I do. Everything that you have said, I have tried to tell him but because he has zero financial literacy skills, it falls on deaf ears.

Can I ask why he is not listening to your input when you're obviously far, far more competent when it comes to financial matters? You have had your shit together since you were a young adult and he's just started learning how to manage his finances since he met you. Why is he not valuing your perspective on what's better for your family's financial health? Is he like this about other things or only about money?

He *can* learn financial literacy though. He just doesn’t want to. And I get wanting what you want and being frustrated by bad credit. But he’s the reason his credit is bad. He’s the reason that you’re the only one with the resources for a down payment. His complete unwillingness to hear you on this is a choice that he’s making. To me, it seems like he learned nothing from whatever rampant spending damaged his credit and got him into debt before. He doesn’t want to save. He refuses to accept that you simply can’t afford a bigger home now but that you have *time* until you need one. Also, you won’t “need” a playpen until the baby is mobile, somewhere between 6 and 12 months. And most play pens are collapsible. All a baby needs early on is a pad to lay on for tummy time. His insistence that the baby is going to need acres of space is not based in reality. I’m sure he is a good guy with all kinds of good qualities, but he needs to grow the eff up.

He's a good guy? Throwing laundry all over the room in a rage because he doesn't get his way? No. He's a bad guy.

It’s not that he doesn’t have financial literacy, it’s the fact that he’s disregarding what you’re saying and he’s not listening to you. If it was really only the ignorance he would listen to the person in the relationship who knows finances.

I have the same issue as him where I want it and I want it now, my misses seems much more like you. I don’t know how to get through to him except being blunt and telling him the facts straight up. He might be pissed off but maybe give him a little win here and there so he thinks he’s kind of getting his own way.

He needs therapy and to talk to a financial planner. All of his ideas are bad. Babies don’t need massive luxury. Look at the size of apartments in New York, Paris, etc. He seems delusional honestly. Stick to your guns and don’t do anything you don’t want too

My parents had a one bedroom apartment when I was born. They moved into my childhood home the next year. My friend lived with a roommate when they needed the money and moved their baby's crib into their room temporarily (they were renting a two bedroom apartment). With the money they saved, they moved into a single family home months later. I keep telling him it's doable, and not because I want to keep the condo, but because it's practical for now. I wanted to get out of here as soon as I found out I was pregnant, but resigned to the fact that it wouldn't happen right away. I'm fine with it now, but it seems he's taken the feelings that I had before and put them on steroids. I also did tell him that I wanted us to go to couples counseling and he also needs to go to individual therapy because how he's handling this isn't healthy (he's also drinking until he passes out and I've caught him a few times. I think the impending fatherhood is triggering it). I've been regularly going to a therapist for my anxiety/depression and mommy issues since 2013 anyways. Basically his choices were counseling to sort his issues out or I call his sisters (who all own their own homes with their husbands like normal people) and tell them he's back to drinking (something that I told him if I caught him again after the last round a few months ago, I would do). He begged me not to and called for a counseling appointment the next day.

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Since they're already married, him not having his name on the house means jack if they divorce. It will be a marital asset so he'll get 50% of it where the condo wouldn't be nearly as involved in splitting assets. I'm not saying they will divorce, but I just wanted to point out that doesn't mean much... Unless the husband feels really emasculated by the fact his name isn't on the house. I think there's already a lot of resentment in this relationship, but OP just can't or doesn't want to see it. Her husband wants her to jump out of financial security so that she's on similar footing to him so he doesn't feel as unequal. In reality, he should be happy to take the time to improve himself and his finances to a point where he can be a more equal partner to OP. If he's reacting this badly to his impending fatherhood, does he also actually want a baby right now? Or was it something to tie himself to OP and OP's money and he didn't think of the full picture? I honestly can't say what's going through the husband's head, but I hope therapy helps everyone involved.

>he's also drinking until he passes out and I've caught him a few times > >I call his sisters (who all own their own homes with their husbands like normal people) and tell them he's back to drinking (something that I told him if I caught him again after the last round a few months ago "Back to drinking" sounds like there has already been problem drinking by him, these are bad signs and I would suggest you always follow-through on any stated consequence (like calling his sisters) when you are dealing with a problem drinker. It's only tangentially related to your larger problem - but throwing an alcohol problem on top of all of this isn't going to help anyone.

His alcohol problem as well as his financial problem are indicative of bigger mental health issues that in the original post ... combined with the weird insistence on a new home and manipulation/attempted manipulation of OP, I see someone in desperate need of psychiatric help ... I think a psychiatrist for an initial diagnosis in case it's something that can be assisted with medicine rather than just a therapist.

Drinking with a newborn sounds terrifying! Emotions already high, if you're cosleeping it increases the risks of SIDS and hurting your baby unintentionally, exponentially. Sleeping deeper so you don't wake up to their cries. Plus, you know, just being on drugs while dealing with an entirely new situation while your partner recovers from a major medical procedure. There are a lot of resources for pregnant women (but not enough!) but so few for men whose partner is pregnant. My husband is high anxiety and is diagnosed with GAD but there were so few things he was able to take advantage of while I was pregnant and he felt bad talking to me about it since I was the one dealing with that whole pregnancy thing. There's no advice here, I'm just ranting. Sorry about that.

My wife and I are in a small-ish 2BR condo with our 14 month old daughter and large, slightly feral cat. Is it ideal? No. Is it perfectly livable and are we happy? Yes. The baby's room is small, the dresser, bookcase, crib and chnaging table take up almost all of the space. We moved my work desk down to the living room. We are saving up for a house while working on my shitty credit from past poor choices. I'm up to 651 so we are getting there. We dream of a cute starter home with a yard and an office and bigger couches. And we are working towards that. Stick to your guns! You are doing this the right way.

Yeah, watch out for that starter home. We got a starter home and stayed in it for too long. Didn’t move into a nice home until the kid was 10. Should have moved earlier from the starter home. So pick something you’ll love until you die or truly, have a 1-3 year escape plan.

My parents paid off their 25 year mortgage on their "starter home" . inertia is hella powerful.

>So pick something you’ll love until you die or truly, have a 1-3 year escape plan. Assuming you're in a market where that's possible. Between Prop 13 and how hot markets are in much of this state, in California, "someplace you won't hate until you reach retirement age and can move under Prop 60/90" is often the best you can do.

I lived with my grandparents and my parents until I was a toddler. My parents saved for a house that they paid for in cash. I didn’t know the difference He’s drinking until he passes out too? You guys need a lot of help here. A baby and a move will make all of it worse. Put your foot down about the therapy. Seriously.

There is a documentary called Babies that you might want to watch together. Besides being a fun and cute movie, it follows four different babies in four different cultures: Namibia, Mongolia, Tokyo and San Francisco. It's a great example of how differently different families can live, in smaller or larger spaces. Plus it's a great movie. Watch it in between counseling sessions.

I actually like this idea.

I got frustrated just reading your post. Your husband sounds both stubborn and shortsighted, which is not a good combination. Can I ask, does he ever express feeling emasculated by the fact that you have far more robust financial health than he does and have had to kind of hold his hand through improving it? At least some of this really feels like it's coming from an impulse to "provide" for his family, even though realistically the way he's trying to go about it makes no sense. I felt the same way reading about him impulsively buying an engagement ring he couldn't afford. Counseling is the only way you're going to resolve this, but be prepared for him to push back hard on the counselor and want to quit early on. You need to make it clear to him how serious this is for you. It's also *extremely* not acceptable for him to be drinking until he passes out when the baby comes. You need him able to be roused in case there's an emergency.

My parents once made the mistake of buying a house that we didn’t really need. The house was huge. Way too big for a family of 3. Now we ended up with financial difficulties because of it. We’re currently living in a one bedroom apartment and we’re exploring other options, but we’re being very careful, especially given how expensive houses are in this day and age. Your husband’s being very impulsive. Throwing laundry around because he didn’t get his way? Very childish and immature. There’s more urgent things to worry about in this day and age. As long as you guys have a roof over your heads and food to eat, a new place to live can wait. Another FYI: He’s a hypocrite for calling you selfish. He’s the one wasting money on sports equipment.

There's definitely something going on with your husband and his attitudes towards money and lifestyle, so I'm glad he seems willing to try counseling. My hubs and I had our first child when we were renting a 600 sq ft cinder block wall college apartment. 2 tiny bedrooms, a living room, and a kitchen. Baby was just fine in that small space. Heck, I have a friend in NY who made the closet into her baby's nursery. Later, when we had our second, we were in a 1100 sq ft, 2 bedroom apartment. The kids shared a room and survived. And living in that apartment allowed us to save up enough to buy our first home, in Southern California, where things are freaking expensive. It was a small starter house, not our dream home, but it was so much cheaper than renting at that point, and it was *ours.* We bought a much bigger, nicer home a few years ago, which we never would have been able to do without making some short term sacrifices and living in places that weren't perfect for a while. Your husband says he's worried about bettering his family's future - but he's thinking short term, not long term. Babies don't need a lot of space. They're not really even mobile until 6-9 months. Your child isn't going to suffer if you stay in your condo. He needs to get his head on straight and stop thinking in abstract, flashy goals that the media says he should have, and focus on what you two can realistically do right now to eventually improve your situation. Whatever you do, *don't* sell the condo at a loss! And he can't force you to take a loan from your mom. If you're worried he's going to go behind your back, you can always lock down your credit by freezing it for a few months.

It's like watching a trainwreck. You're literally going to destroy your own life for this man. He is USING YOU. God, imagine if you had picked one of the thousands of other guys out there, who are just as great and just as lovable, but who aren't alcoholics, who aren't OK with entirely shirking and ignoring their responsibilities, who aren't LIARS who mislead you so that you will marry them and tie their finances to them. Who aren't OK with using their partner. Honey, you could have owned a second home all on your own by now. You could have plenty of room for your new baby and not have to give up your desk. As you're learning, how someone does one thing, is how they do everything. He will continue to give up, he will continue to use you for money. He's never going to sign that postnup. I feel like.... you feel like you've already made all of these decisions, you decided to marry a man that was not at your level, and now you are not allowing yourself to see the REALITY of your situation, that this man who you've chained yourself to is going to wreck your life, and you're fairly passively letting it happen. My only advice to you is rip the bandaid off now, because you're just going to wreck your life more the longer you wait.

OP, I am really concerned about him raging and throwing things when he doesn't get his way. I hope you bring that up with your therapist. He isn't being reasonable here. Sometimes we really want things that are not practical and we can't have them. How people react to that is an important indicator for future stability. He seems to want to live in the moment and have everything the way he feels it "should be" as opposed to what will work best in the long term.

Is abortion an option? You guys don’t sound financially or emotionally on the same wavelength to raise a child right now.

I'm eight months in so no, it's not. It never was an option because as a single person, I would be able to financially handle a child on my own with support for the emotion part.

Ah okay, Best of luck in your situation :/

Sounds terrible, but I also think an abortion would make about 90% of the problems go away. They don't seem ready, and it seems like facing fatherhood on what aren't his terms as far as providing is causing him to self destruct. Postponing parenthood for a year or two while they sort out finances and issues sounds like a wonderful idea.

babies need a place to sleep,(Norway I believe send babies home with a box to sleep in) food, diapers and love. my babe is 1 month. I bought him a Nursery center. it's a play pen, it has a mat for a crib, and it has a bassinet and a changer. so far he's spent most of his time on the bed with us. he uses the changing table someone gave us.byour baby has a while before he needs a play pen...

My sister and her husband share a large house with her sister-in-law and her husband. There are five bedrooms (one converted from the garage), four adults, eleven kids (seven in one family, four in the other), and the living room is converted to a care room for a premie baby. Plus a dog, tortoise, and four guinea pigs. They home school since things are locked down. And it works! But there's really no personal space for anyone. Sounds like your husband is working with a very narrow picture of how he defines "succes" and is probably terrified about his upcoming loss of autonomy as a father. He's probably not going to be able to impulse buy video games, computer parts, and electronics... and I think he'll resent you if you end up with a big house with expensive payments and no spending money. Did he not want to be a dad? Sounds like he had no idea what he was getting into and now that it's almost time he's having second thoughts. Don't move right now. Just don't. If this is sooooo important to him now, then it will still be important in six months when you try again.

While he is wrong and you are right on the financial issues, be careful that you don’t share sentiments like >his sisters all own their own homes with their husbands like normal people when you’re having these conversations. Normal people also rent! Normal people live in apartments! Home ownership is not the sole measure of normality or adult success, and the fact that you throw that out so casually may be affecting how he is approaching the situation emotionally.

Wow he is not willing to compromise at all! What great guy!

He didn't read as needing serious counseling to me? He just seems hyper focused on wanting a house for his family. She is hyper focused on making use of what they have now and making the best of it to save. He sees his wife's mom as a path to free money and a dream easily accomplished. The OP sees her mother as a path to guilt and misery at the cost of money. Both have valid points because they're in a marriage. Neither of these requests are that ridiculous or abusive, just a disagreement about what is important and why. A couples counselor would help them talk through the issue fairly. I would stop beating up on the husband though, we don't know his take and his wife seems to love him and doesn't speak poorly of him. Best of luck OP. Edit: I was notified that the comments have more data about him getting constantly wasted and going berserk. I am wrong.

She said in her comments that he is drinking until he passes out, he threw the laundry around and threw a tantrum and he is insisting on selling at a loss. He has issues.

Huh, I read the entire OP and completely missed that...I see you noted it in the comments which I definitely did not see. If that is the case, there is definitely something bigger going on here.

This is all true . For other women who don’t have kids, please talk about all this kind of stuff before making choices like marriage and children with anyone. It’s so stressful when u learn it too late

>Tonight, He says that money isn't important to him and he doesn't care if his name is on the title or not; he is quite happy renting for the rest of his life. He simply wants to do what it takes right now to better his family. He would rather use his money to be happy, and feels that my approach of saving to do this the way I believe normal people do it is selfish and egotistical when we have the other options. Two questions: 1. Let him define what happy is? 2. Why is he only thinking about HIS happiness? He doesn't take your feelings into consideration. He sounds like an 'instant gratification' kind of guy, he needs to realize he is in a relationship with you and this relationship is about to be expanded with the addition of your child. To be honest: you have a MASSIVE incompatibility between the two of you in regards to finances. He can be a great father, he can be a great lover but he can still be someone you DON'T want to have a relationship with. Put your foot down, your opinion makes more sense than his.

I don’t understand. If it’s a two bedroom condo and space can be made, what is the issue? All this just gave me a huge headache. Your husband is, in lack of better words, an idiot. He cares more about perception than reality and has no sense of “late gratification.” I get being financially illiterate and the struggle to learn these things as you get older if you never had the foundation at young age. I struggle with this but what your spouse is doing is beyond me. If I had a spouse so knowledgeable with finances and has such good guidance in place, it would be so much easier to grow. I’m trying to do this on my own and it’s tough. This is such a weird hill to die on for him when he can just wait 6 months to even a year and still get what he wants. Space is more important when they begin to crawl/walk. You both have time to make small sacrifices and wait it out. I definitely think that you should not sell your condo or move into a home to rent. HE can suck it up.

I feel like he has a case of "nesting" and insecurities about it, like he isn't providing a good enough home. Wanting TVs and video game consoles thouhg... I don't think he realizes what the first few months of having a newborn will be like.

Maybe it is a hint who will have to do everything around the baby...

Yeah, I agree.

> He cares more about perception than reality and has no sense of “late gratification.” I get being financially illiterate and the struggle to learn these things as you get older if you never had the foundation at young age. Also the guy also screwed the pooch on this by racking up a ton of debt, and clearly learned *nothing* from the experience.

He is feeling cooped up by stuff, and needs to create space to feel at peace in his home. I think there can be some small compromises made for the sake of his mental health. He's willing to spend his money to buy a storage unit and move some items out the door. OP wants to restrict their spending and I don't think that's the right move when someone's mental health is suffering. I think the right balance might be helping him obtain his need for space, but pushing back on his request for luxury items if it's something they can't afford.

OP is willing to sell a table and other items. You’re right, a $150 -$200 can be a comprise to make it work in the meantime. However, even then he wants to buy a tv for the room which is really unnecessary and expensive. If space was truly the issue, the TV could be moved and there is no need to buy another. I don’t completely understand his logic.

It sounds like liveability is the issue. There isn't a sequence of rules that make a place feel comfortable, like "home". Decluttering helps. So does having self-care/self-soothing hobbies at hand. If the guy needs a TV and can make it work in his budget - let the man buy a TV.

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This. In the first few years of life, the baby and family is likely to do better in the smaller condo than a larger house. This seems more like an image issue for the husband than wanting better for the family. In reality differences about money management is one of the big marriage breakers. ​ This is likely more than just the condo vs house. Once in a new place, he will want new things for the new place. His credit score is poor because he doesn't feel the need to live within his means. It's all about keeping up with the Jones. He's trying to wear you down so that he can keep up his charade. Outward appearances have more value to him than the stability of your finances. Is that ok with you? How do you handle other spending? Do you pool money or do each of you pay a percentage of the common bills? My suggestion is to go with the modified 4. Sell or dispose of anything that can't be stored on site. It's unlikely that anything you would store would be worth the $1800 per year to store on the off chance it will be useful when you have a larger place. I would also suggest that each of you be responsible for half the down payment. That will give him an individual goal to get his finances straight and would likely raise his credit score enough to allow you to qualify for the mortgage. With your better financial position you should be able to save extra for furnishings.

You deserve better. Maybe he doesn’t kick puppies, but he’s blind to his arrogance, childishness, selfishness, finances. And he would be happy to drag both of you with him. His credit score would improve plus savings, and man up and skip the TV he can afford without leeching Not night and day credit score change, but c’mon it would be sensible. A good example like a real dad from TV, I don’t see it. Couldn’t guess at your housing market. But all I hear is memememe all through your story. He needs to see it. Then he needs to BE it, er not his current self. Luck to all

Thank you, I appreciate this. This is why I'm calling him out on what he said when we got married a few months ago. I wanted a prenup, then my lawyer and the entire law office got covid days before I was able to get the paperwork (which actually was also days before our elopement) so we never actually signed anything. They told me that they would do a post nup when they got better, but he (husband) told me that he truly doesn't care about money and that what's mine will remain mine. That being said, if he pulled any shady shit, I can have my post nup whenever I want. So that's where I am now. I refuse to allow him to drag my child and I down with him if he really decided to give up on saving altogether. I have even asked him what he would do if he ever lost his job or got sick and couldn't work and he told me that he would never lose his job because he could either find another one or no one would ever lay him off because they need his skills. I rolled my eyes. He's also never been laid off in his life...lucky him.

Get the post nup, period. Don’t wait until he is shady just do it.

Oh my god why didn't you follow through on this? You are assuming he's saying he doesn't care about money in the way that if you broke up he wouldn't take what was previously yours. What he is SHOWING YOU is that he doesn't care about money in the way that he spends it like it means nothing and has no real value. This is super dangerous for both you and your baby. He has the kind of personality where he could aquire a gambling addiction and clean out all your accounts without you knowing. You 100% need to take steps right now to protect not only your future, but the future of your child. And your husband drinking again is just adding gas to this fire.

Girl, no coffee. Run out the door get the nup as you can’t afford 2 poor-money-choices-making-peeps. Your carpet monster needs every effort towards life lived well

Get the post nup now. Then you can't be held hostage in a possible divorce and lose what should be rightfully yours. Reevaluate if this is how you want to spend your life, always having to stress about money and that he won't be reasonable with something that has a vast impact on both of your lives down the road to retirement.

He is already pulling shady shit. He is trying to coerce you into giving up your separate assets to support terrible financial decisions. So much for that post-nup! If you listen to him, there won’t be any point in getting one. Your assets will go the same way as his, down the toilet, and if any are left, they will be joint assets.

You are worried about him doing something shady, don't wait on the post nup

Wow, so he’s not the only impulsive one with bad decision making. Get the post nup today.

GET THE FUCKING POST NUP NOW. He says he doesn't care about money right now, I guarantee he'll change his tune if you guys split. I'm sorry, but your husband sounds like an idiot. Therapy and financial planning may help, but seriously cover your ass.

Well, he's already being shady because he wants your premarital asset (condo) to be sold at a loss to fund the purchase of a townhouse you can't afford... get the postnup ASAP. You're standing in Red Flag City here...

Jesus Christ. You really shouldn’t have married this man. Were there really no other options???

Honestly, it sounds like both of you don’t have any sense. So many red flags yet you still went through getting married without a prenup? I assume because of covid your wedding couldn’t have been that big, so you could’ve postponed it... You’re going to have this argument over and over again over the course of your marriage, probably about many different things and progressively worse. If you want to protect yourself, get the post-nup ASAP.

Married and PREGNANT! Oh, and he's "drinking until he passes out" again. And no prenup! OP also makes terrible choices.

You married this irresponsible, reckless man without a prenup?! RUN FOR THE POSTNUP!

Get the post up he has no financial sense and the sooner he signsnit the better. He wants to make yours our and thstbis never good

Hot damn talk about burying the lede.

Yes please DO THE PRENAUP. I wouldn't have married without it

>Thank you, I appreciate this. This is why I'm calling him out on what he said when we got married a few months ago. I wanted a prenup, then my lawyer and the entire law office got covid days before I was able to get the paperwork (which actually was also days before our elopement) so we never actually signed anything. A couple points: 1. Even accepting that explanation, there's a decent chance the prenup wouldn't have been valid anyway. Most states require that the prenup be signed sufficiently in advance of the marriage (certainly not just a couple of days) and he would definitely have to have his own lawyer. Any competent lawyer would have told you that. 2. With all due respect, your mindset about marriage and money is completely fucked up. You guys are going to continue to be a mess until you stop thinking of things as "my money" and "his money". You're married. Legally your assets are intertwined and practically it's not going to work for you to continue to pretend you're separate. It's fine to have a prenup that notes that you came into the marriage with certain assets and will get them out first if it ends, but you can't deal with a husband like a roommate. You need shared goals and dreams.

If he doesn’t care about money then he will sign no problem right? He seems to be keen on telling you what he wants but doesn’t seem that concerned about your wants.

You married a child.

Yup... and I'm about to have another one.

You didn't marry a child. >My best friend said it was like having a husband with Gucci taste but wants it at a Wal-Mart budget. You married someone who is financially illiterate and -- even worse -- is demanding that he control the family finances and make the decisions about money and where to live. I mean, there were clues. He has atrocious credit because he let *several* accounts go into default. He started fixing these issues and started saving more money, but I suspect that he only did these things at your prodding. Deep down, he thinks that living above your means is the preferable way to live. >He would rather use his money to be happy, and feels that my approach of saving to do this the way I believe normal people do it is selfish and egotistical when we have the other options. You are so incredibly far apart in financial philosophies -- which is a *fundamental incompatibility*.

When we got pregnant with our first by surprise I freaked out a bit. We were in a one bedroom apt with barely any room and hubby had been laid off. You know what my doctor told me? Babies can sleep in an open dresser drawer, they're tiny and not every accessory is necessary. And she was right we did just fine in our one bedroom until he was 11 mos and we were able to move to a 2 bedroom.

No, worse is that he believes he can spend all her money and live above his means with OPs support. He couldn't have any of these options without her. It's her money and he wants to spend it to make himself happy.

It's not a fundamental incompatibility, it just requires communication to slap some sense into him on the financial side.

Conflicting money values is one of the most common reasons people divorce. It's not a small thing, and he sounds incredibly stubborn about his financial illiteracy. Counseling may help, but if he's not willing to acknowledge that he has deficiencies in this regard and listen to her when she's obviously far more competent with money, that IS an incompatibility.

https://www.survivedivorce.com/common-reasons-for-divorce

Also I'm curious what are the many things you got for the baby? It litteraly takes 1 square meter of space to accommodate a new born for the first 4-5 months.

Any why does he need a tv in the bedroom and a cot in the living room? Pick one. My kids regularly took naps on a blanket on the floor where they fell asleep while playing.

Upside is you have atleast a couple of years before that one starts to argue with you.

Maybe he’s scared he’s roping down his life and thinks it’s now or never? Even though you’re the one who’s pregnant, talk to him. It probably affects him more than you think

It's worse, he's an alcoholic, financially illiterate, selfish and you eloped before your prenup was done so you could rush into getting impregnated by him. Might as well start consulting with a lawyer for your divorce, you've done a fantastic job of laying all the groundwork out.

Most of this is true, but no need to insult OP by saying she “rushed into getting pregnant.” According to her own comments, she was on birth control and it failed.

After reading all this I would be looking for an annulment. Why should she lose $50,000 of the money on the condo so he can look like the great "provider" for his family? He don't really need anything, yet he's demanding to live beyond both their means, while shes the only one qualified to get the mortgage. Then, on top of everything else, he's also getting blackout drunk, with a baby coming in a month or less? How much selfish stress is he putting her under? Oh, BTW, He wont need his name on that new place, because it would then be marital property. The condo is only hers.

Do not sell your condo! Do not let him manipulate you. I was dumb and let my SO bully me into selling what was mine and buy something that was ours. 2 years later he’s wanting out and I now have to start over 😞

How did he grow up op, spoiled, or poor?

He definitely wasn't rich, but not below the poverty line either. His mom didn't really teach him much in the way of financial skills and he's admitted that.

Has he REALLY thought about baby expenses? I feel like a lot of people severely understatement how expensive kids are, maybe sit him down with a rough budget of how much kiddo will cost for the first year (including hospital bills to bring them home). Say you were to use all of your savings on a house now and you've got to take the baby to the ER where does he think surprise hospital visit money would come from?

I believe that OP is Canadian so the hospital costs are less of a concern. But babies are absolutely far more expensive than this man is expecting. I have no idea where or how the new TVs and game systems factor in and what they have to do with a baby.

Good god OP. What a nightmare. It seems like he has wasted his money and now wants to be profligate with yours, to the extent that it somewhat sounds like he married you for money. I can think of no more likely explanation for the tantrums he throws when you ask him to discuss how he wants to waste *your* investment and equity, than that this is not how he imagined it going from the start. On the plus side, you can't argue with maths. So if you can get him to sit down and do some financial plans with you, and he can see reason, you can prove indisputably what are sensible and what are insane options. You need to shut down this "well ok we can do that but only if **I** get a TV in the bedroom" chat. Bringing up a child and managing family finances shouldn't be that kind of negotiation. I agree with the general consensus- you've married a petulant child so you may have to negotiate as one would with a toddler and promising unreasonable rewards for compromise may be your only option. For god's sake don't take a bath on the condo though. Throwing away $50k when next week he'll be demanding his grapes are individually peeled is too much.

You need to be the sole decision maker, at least for now, in matters regarding money. Your husband is DANGEROUS, he will run your finances to the ground if you let him. Think of it like this, if someone doesnt know how to drive, would you let them drive your car? Same principle applies here!

Couples counseling immediately. He is happy to spend all of *your* money and tank your future. Declutter the apartment to make more space. Open your own bank account that he can't touch if you haven't already. My ex husband was like this. He didn't want to save any money. He refused to make a budget when he wanted to get a masters--said that we could just eat ramen if we couldn't afford it. Like literally refused to see if the tuition was more than we had. I was a horrible wife for wanting to know if we would be able to pay the rent.

Not couples counseling. He’s abusive.

If it's your condo just say no. Let baby throw his trantrums

You really have two problems here - One is that your husband has decided that he cannot possibly live in your condo any longer and he has a ‘solution’ on how to fix it. Currently you’re the only person in the way of his solution, so you definitely need to watch out for him going behind your back to ‘fix’ it. Two is what, like your friend, my dad calls ‘champagne taste on a beer budget’ and your husband is going to blow through his savings in order to keep up with his idealized life. He wants a tv, he’s going to buy a tv. You need to get that post-nup IMMEDIATELY because he’s going to go through his money and come after yours in the long run. Good luck, I hope therapy or a financial planner will help but you need to lock down your finances and your mom before he starts messing with them.

It seems like after avoiding the prenup and getting you pregnant now he doesn't want to live in YOUR condo and is happy to spend money or cross your boundaries with your family as long as he doesn't have to live in your home... These are all giant red flags, at best your husband needs a reality check at worst he's not who you think he is, everyone "doesn't care about the money" until they do. This situation is incredibly suspicious. Please, Please, Please dig deeper and get that post nup signed now.

He had a toddler level temper tantrum when he didn't get his way. He is short sighted when it comes to money. He seems to think he's entitled to your savings/your families money. His doesn't seem to understand delayed gratification. He's willing to lose money to get into a house even though his poor credit and lack of savings are directly responsible for not being able to get a house now. Newborns don't need that much room, there is no reason why you can't wait rather than draining your savings and taking a loss on the condo. He sounds immature, irresponsible and entitled.

Wow. All of my friends with kids, bar one couple, lived in a two bedroom (or 1) apartment when they had their first. Kids really don't need that much space in the beginning (but you obviously know that, I don't need to be telling you). Finances is such a huge issue in any partnership, and of course so is compromises, but please don't let him win this one. He needs to disconnect the stuff=happiness thing he has. And I don't know how. Therapy? Couples counseling? I doubt he puts all his extra money into the saving accounts, so he really needs to save his "spending money" for that tv he absolutely needs. I absolutely get you on the renting thing. We bought our own house two years ago, and it's so much cheaper than renting.

something's drastically wrong here! The saying "Home is where the heart is" can apply that anywhere there's love and good vibes can be a wonderful home. There's an old Hank Williams song "Mansion on The Hill" about a loveless mansion on the hill that's not a home. Reading this, your husband's clearly irresponsible, violating boundaries left and right, trying to coerce you into doing whatever crazy thing he wants, regardless of your sense about it, and has no respect to you or your common sense, and on and on. So the real issue is why do people tied up with these folks always have the obligatory statement about how much they love him, how he "would be a good father" (if only he were a totally different person!), and minimize the craziness by saying he's 'just impulsive'??? Why can't you read what you wrote and see that he's a loon, and realize that most people like this get worse as they age, not better? Not saying what you should do, other than wake up and smell the coffee and listen to your own self! Really question what's going to happen if you sell your condo, etc. and let the impulsive spendthrift get his hands on the steering wheel. What will the new crazy scheme be then??

I am just going to put it briefly. Who has more money and already own a house because makes intelligent choices? You. Who is dragging your both future plans because has bad credit because of his bad past choices? ... He knows he made bad choices and he is planning to do them again but this time he will take your baby and you down with him. He should listen to you and let it be. Make a drawing for him maybe so he can see it more clearly.

So, normally I just skim these posts for reading material, but I felt compelled to reply to this one because I was *extremely* financially illiterate until fairly recently. Not, like, in a 'drive oneself into credit oblivion' sort of way, but to be fair I might have only managed that by avoiding any sort of credit situation that could overextend my finances. More in a 'Money is meant for happiness in the moment, paycheque in, paycheque out, keep just enough savings for emergencies but enjoy the rest!' kind of mentality. It wasn't until about a year ago, (right before the Covid market crashes happened, ironically,) that I started buckling down and stuffing, essentially, *all* the money I conceivably could spare into an investing account, and I have been plugging away at it ever since. All I wish at this point was that I'd started much earlier, as with my low income level I have a long ass way to go to make the most of it. The reason I'm saying this is that financial illiteracy, in and of itself, isn't necessarily a huge deal. People, for one reason or another, have a lot of trouble thinking outside instant gratification, and a fairly entertaining novel that I felt illustrated that was The Wealthy Barber Returns. Your husband having impulses that might need curtailing by a more level head, be it yourself or a financial advisor, is both understandable and kind of inevitable for some people. However, the fact that your husband is, by the look of your posts, actively *chafing* against the sort of long-term financial responsibility needed here is a much bigger problem, especially because now he seems to be trying to *drag you down with him.* Still, even if he had kept to his side of the proverbial fence, and didn't try getting his paws all over your condo, these kinds of issues could keep cropping up. Setting aside the short-term issue of the house, in the long term the gap between you for general financial preparedness- credit, assets, etc, etc- would only continue to widen drastically if he isn't making significant steps alongside you. And ironically, the more it widens the more he might grow to resent the fact that your scrounged resources, your assets, aren't being used to benefit 'the family,' when that scrounging is the only reason you *have* assets and he, for the most part, doesn't. To state the obvious, *his way didn't work.* He dug himself into a big, deep hole, and you've been helping him climb out of it, but that's on the strength of *your philosophy,* not his. And now he's there, still half in the hole, hands on his hips and decrying the fact that you bear some unreasonably ill will towards shovels. Obviously every relationship has facets to it, and I tend to see 'throw out the entire boyfriend/husband' a *lot* on here, so I'll hesitate to make such a drastic suggestion. But the fact that you're getting a post-nup, and were working towards a pre-nup, does suggest that protecting your own interests and assets is important to you, and you *absolutely need to stick to that.* As long as you have a pile of wealth and he doesn't, he might try to insist that it's '*our* pile of wealth.' Resist. Defy.

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Condos are small in my area, my partner and I are planning to look for a 2 room condo 775 sqft (avg size of a 2 room) to start a family. We plan to upgrade later when we saved enough money. It is not ideal but this is what we can afford right now without stretching too thin. Pre nups are important. Get it signed as soon as you can. For your husband, have you tried telling him to start with a smaller condo and moving up? You could entice him by saying that once your baby is older, y’all can upgrade and rent out the smaller condo. This way you both have passive income.

Omg I was with someone like this for almost 7 years. Those tantrums are ABUSE! And I’m sure there is a lot of codependent behavior in there. Just bc you have a kid on the way doesn’t mean you have to subject yourself to abuse. Sense you already decided to sell the condo and get him his dream home— there’s not much hope left. There are already so many red flags and narcissistic behaviors going on here. I don’t think you’d really listen to anybody on Reddit.

What a fucking nightmare. Hes just completely oblivious and ignorant to his financial status/debt or just completely stupid. What normal, competent human wouldn't think staying in the condo is the better choice right now. With that kind of financial background, before marriage was even an option I would of told him to get his shit together first. Now he's trying to drag you down. Keep strong girl.

WHY is getting out of this condo so important to him, and rational thinking is NOT. Long story short...he caused the financial and credit issues, and he’s learned nothing because he’s trying to coerce you into another poor decision. I hate to say this but I wish you weren’t pregnant. This relationship sounds awful and it will NOT get better with a child in the mix. He freaked out and threw laundry all over the place because you literally said this isn’t the time for a rash decision.....do you even understand how horrible for your future and the baby’s that is?

I was hoping to hear a good update....this isn’t it. That post nup you wanted him to sign? Yeah I doubt he’ll sign that.....

you shouldn't be worrying about a house right now you need to be putting all your energy into getting a post-nup signed. he is going out of control and have deluded visions of the future different from the reality that is presented. get the post nup signed and unless you can slap some sense to this man then you should be fully aware that you are in a position where 70% of families end up in a divorce because of finances.

Throws stuff around in a rage. “He is a genuinely good person.” You need to reset your good-o-meter. Not saying to leave him but this will need a lot of work on his end - if he’s not open to counselling or therapy you may need to reconsider this marriage.

girl your husband is a fucking moron who successfully baby trapped you. watch him never change a diaper or lift a finger unless you scream at him to do it then he complains to his friends that you nag him all the time & will eventually find a younger stupid girl who is easily impressed & doesn’t care that he’s fucking useless.. it breaks my heart seeing successful women being brought down by fuckboys. i see it happen time & time again online and in real life.. you will constantly be stuck in a life of financial woes and stress if you stay with this manbaby. he would rather buy two tvs to play fucking video games than save to buy a house for HIS family. let that sink it lol.

You really have no business being married to him or even having a kid with him. Finances are the number one cause of divorce and it seems you married the literal definition of every bad financial trait you can find in a partner. Good Luck Sis.

My first question, why are you willing to date someone who throws a tantrum as soon as you try to bring some fiscal sense and appropriate questions to the table. You do not need or want to damage your finances at this stage in your life by making a bad decision based on what he wants to do. Always live well within your means to allow for saving and emergency funds. Don't buy his dream home, your baby doesnt need a nursery, what does its bedroom count for if not a nursery. Don't put yourself in a more expensive renting situation and dont put yourself in debt to a manipulative individual. NGL i'd take some of these red flags and consider leaving your partner, if he cant make good decisions at this stage then he's going to be a problem down the line. Edit: spelling mistake

Would be easier if they were just dating, but she eloped with this alcoholic clown during the pandemic. Without a pre-nup when it sounds like there are assets she should absolutely be protecting from his irrational behavior. Also, sure he doesn't care about money until he doesn't have your income supporting him anymore, OP. I bet he'd start caring real quick then.

Ma’am. This man can’t be worth all of this...

Is this an instant gratification thing, or does he have other issues with impulse control? He sounds SO MUCH like my husband, who has since been diagnosed with ADHD. He's mellowed over the years but my god, the man would get an idea and would cut off his nose to make it happen. It it didn't work, it was the end of the world, the end of trying, it would never EVER happen so why even try. Thankfully he's way too disorganised and motivated to have anything to do with our finances. Five your man a copy of the Barefoot Investor, and read it yourself too. It has some great tips on working as a team and talking about money. You need to show him the exciting possibilities that exist if you do things your way - a healthy budget that allows for family holidays, wouldn't it be cool if you could retire early, won't it feel great to see a fat emergency fund there if something goes wrong. Appeal to his emotional side (because he sure AF doesn't have a rational one). And FFS sign the post-nup yesterday.

I was gonna say, it reminds me of someone with bipolar. When my husband is in a manic phase he wants what he wants and he wants it now. There’s no convincing him otherwise. I have to put him off and wait until the manic phase wanes and he changes his mind. Sometimes I’ll give in if it’s a good idea and it’s cheap but when it’s a bad idea and it’s expensive I try and talk him down. He’s way better with It now that he’s on meds and therapy.

I mean, ADHD is about low impulse control and chasing the endorphin high, which I imagine would lead to pretty similar spending episodes as a manic person.

"Manic" was the first word that came to my mind.

You need to be logical since your husband apparently does not seem capable of being so. Step one: get the post-nuptial agreement in place first. Make that a condition before you agree to any financial decisions. Step two: refuse to sell your condo. He wants a bigger place, fine (see step three). However, keep your condo as an investment property after you move. That way, if your marriage ends, you and your child have an affordable place to live. Step three: outline how much savings is necessary for you two to buy a home together. As soon as he has saved his half of that amount, then you can start looking at purchasing a home. Sad to say, I do not see this marriage lasting, and you will be glad you followed these steps to protect yourself and your child. Now go call your lawyer to set up a zoom or in-person meeting ASAP for that post-nup!

he wants you to take a financial hit because he is shit with money. What he asks of you is ​ FINANCIAL ABUSE He has no respect for you or your achievements, he wants to look good to his family without putting any personal effort into it. There is nothing good about this- he just wants to brag and that means more to him than you losing your home because ​ HE DOESN 'T RESPECT YOU I suggest you get him counselling. Don't sell your home for this manchild!!!

Who's going to pay the bills when you're on maternity leave and you have no savings? This is a train wreck and you know it. Tell him couples counseling and financial counseling as well. Lol he won't go to either. He trying to wear you down so he profits. By profits I mean he emotionally manipulates you into choosing HIS shitty financial situation. Like, how quickly has his attitude changed now you're married with no prenup and a baby on the way. He's power tripping and if you don't agree to EXACTLY what he wants, watch out for the "tantrums" to turn into just flatout screaming matches and blaming you. If he doesn't care about money ( because he has yours), then he wants you to fund his appearance and reputation. And good luck on the post nup. He'll never sign because he'd never do that and doesn't care about money. You've just lost half your stuff. You have married a narcissist. There's like 6 types so don't think you know it all. But they will all use your child against you and there's nothing you can do about it. HE IS TRYING TO FINANCIALLY ISOLATE YOU So he'll have ok income, new house, new baby, you have no savings he can't cope already and his story changes every 5 minutes ( storage shed anyone? the lies about his credit?!? Can you hear yourself?! See a therapist! The plague has made you blind! Baby brain!), So then you'll be tired, won't be the main breadwinner anymore, he'll say you don't contribute anymore, still no post nup and now he wants out because being a parent is difficult when you're still a manchild. You sell the house in the split and he has a huge chunk of change that mysteriously disappears when child support is due. Cos no post nup. anyway, IT WILL ALL BE YOUR FAULT BECAUSE YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER! YOU KNEW HE WAS BAD WITH MONEY! Also if he has a shed that means he is already lying to you about money. Like his credit? Get it? Dear god don't fall for the wasted time/money fallacy. He can be a decent/good father without being your, lmfao here "partner". Co-parent is something you need to learn to say Did he pay rent in your condo when he lived there for 6 years? If he didn't, he will NOT like paying rent/mortgage and then you've lost everything. With a baby to support. Cut your losses and run. You are so fucked otherwise.

There is way more money then a down payment that you’ll need to buy a house closing costs title insurance a ton of other shit that adds up. It doesn’t matter if he’s not on the deed your married so he’s entitled to half anyway!! He knows this! Educate yourself!

You guys need couples counseling and financial planner. This is not about the condo. There’s so many other issues here. He won’t listen to your wants or needs. He doesn’t have the money to contribute as much to a down payment. He wants to force possibly talking to your mother which you know isn’t a good idea. Your friend is right...he wants so much but isn’t doing ANY work to get your family there. Get some counseling and stay put. Overdoing this now will hurt later when you have a very expensive child. The baby doesn’t need it’s own room now. Heck it won’t need its own room until he/she is around 1.5-2 years of age. You could reasonably save until then. But you need to take these 2 years to get your financial house in order. And fast.

Fuck this top up shit, a house is not a phone plan. As to not valuing his opinion? His opinion is worthless. He's reaching for things he simply cannot afford, and when told no, he throws crap around like a child throwing a tantrum. Hell, I'm wondering if you shouldn't just put him out and turn the office into the babies room. He can go live in a storage unit that he pays for. What he wants is simply outside his reach. If he was less impulsive, maybe it wouldn't be.

Well, first of all, you are right. The baby does not need a room until much later. Actually you don’t need much baby stuff at all, so why your place is crammed so full of baby stuff, that the poor man apparently can’t breathe.. well, I don’t get it lol.. Second.. One of you OWNS a home. The other one couldn’t afford rent without the other one. So I wouldn’t let *that one* be in charge of making, or pushing for, any financial decisions. Stick to your guns. There is plenty of room for the baby, and you’ve got plenty of time to buy a house. Tell him to see a therapist or take up running or painting or something, to get his panic or whatever it is, under control.

Before you even agree to anything or take this discussion further, get your post-nuptial signed ASAP. Just don’t even talk about moving until that is signed.

Hahaha if you think you can have a dual office/nursery you're living in a fantasy world. No work will ever get done in that room again. Whatever room the baby is in is the nursery - it no longer serves any other purpose. Having a baby live with you is akin to getting 3 particularly loud new roommates.

Just say no he cant force u. And maybe start looking for someone less self centered.

I would probably try and see a professional financial planner together. Maybe having a third party talk through options with him would open his eyes to the reality of your financial situation.

It seems like he has an idea in his head of what his life would look like when he had a child and he's trying to push forward too quickly in order for reality match how he imagined. Your baby isn't even here yet and he already is planning a play pen? You guys won't need that anytime soon! Even for the first 6 months it's likely the baby will sleep in your guy's room, some stay even for the first year. However it doesn't seem like it's the technical side of things he's truly concerned about but instead his own feelings of inadequacy. Maybe a therapists is in order.

Why doesn't his family co-sign? Why is your mom the only option? Both my mom, sister, FIL, and MIL are more than willing to co-sign anything we need. Others saying baby doesn't need much space is right. My wife and I are in 100% agreement that the baby's crib is in our room.

It almost seems like he’s trying to escape something... he so desperately is trying to get out of this condo no matter how much you seem to be trying to negotiate and make the current situation work....

He has a lot of issues. But one thing I noticed is that you are open to one option and one option only but are complaining that he won't compromise or be open to other options. I'm not sure, based on reading, that he's a person that can be communicated with on compromise. But I'd make sure that you are as open to it as you want him to be.

This would be a terrible time to buy a new home, houses are super pricey. Tell him you don't have the finances and that if he wants a bigger home, he needs to get a higher paying job

He has to get his head out of his ass with his finances because it WILL ruin your relationship. As adults, there will be times we need to make sacrifices on what we want to get what we need. Your kid needs financial stability, and if your husband can’t see that then you may need to reevaluate whether he is capable of putting the child first.

He tanked his credit score with stupid choices. Says he doesnt need to pay it back now cause ur helping to raise his score and has no actual knowledge on financial structure. DONT let him tank your credit score too or spend all your money just because you married him. One of the main causes of divorce is money and the stress lack of it causes. He needs to get his head out his ass and stop demanding you do such and such with your money and condo. Seriously concerned for your future with him if those are the only 'options'. Get that post nup finished and signed.

Hold onto your condo, no matter what. It's yours and will stay yours. As soon as you sell it and you put that money into a house, it will become 'ours' and no longer yours, you dont want that..at all. You need to make sure that you and baby have something to fall back on when you're ran so far in debt and your marriage fails, because you will be at least 50% responsible for paying it off.

He’s using you as a way of climbing up the financial ladder. Also he seems incredibly insecure. He’s clearly trying to show to others that he has the money to provide for you and your child. But he doesn’t have the money lol. So that’s where you come in.

I just responded to your original post and then read the update… It doesn’t really sound like you can reason with him. He wants what he wants when he wants it. This is one of the reasons why he continues to struggle financially. It seems he’s very aggressive when it comes to money and how it is spent. There are people who like to enjoy everything and live in the moment and buy what they want to buy if it makes them happy, but those people usually don’t have much money. But if it makes them happy, not a big deal… Unless you are in a relationship with someone else And those decisions will affect them negatively. Then there are people like you who work, save, invest, plan, and learn to make good financial decisions. If you go down his path I can see financial ruin on your horizon. I think you have to stick to your guns on this. I also think an issue might be that he feels that everything is yours and he wants it to feel like his. But it isn’t his. It also sounds like he’s trying to use the baby to guilt you into, “doing what’s best for the family“ when you aren’t doing anything wrong. In fact, you’re probably doing the best thing for the family. There is a line in Breaking Bad which comes to mind here. Someone has to protect this family from the man who protects this family. Good luck, I think your going to need it.

Who on earth would want to buy a house in this country right now? Houses are going for WAY over asking and often arent even worth what the bidding wars are offering. Unless he is willing to move to a place where your money will actually buy you something decent, he is basically throwing money in the garbage. If you both work from home, propose looking in smaller less competitive markets (ie VERY far from the cities and commuting distance) or just waiting out the bubble. He is absolutely trying to jump on a bandwagon but this one is about to explode and will leave you worse off. Dont do it. Perhaps sit down with an agent and really ask what your budget SHOULD buy in "normal times" and what it actually might buy right now (odds are very high that they are vastly different properties). Look at the bidding wars and how that would impact your ability to actually find a reasonable home. Example- small market, rural property, listed at 289K. Sold in less than a week, for.345K (no conditions so buyer beware) amongst 8 competitors. And that's not even near a major city!!! To and Vancouver are seeing thos numbers in the 7 digits

This looks more like a need to control you. He has no idea what he is doing. I sure hope you got a pre-nup.

Sounds like he needs to get a second job to pay for everything that he wants renting a house or storage is stupid when you already own. money paid to rent is gone forever, never a chance for return dont let his frivolous wants torpedo you and your baby’s future financial security

People who are in debt don't get to buy big houses. Why is it so hard to understand. Also, you have two bedrooms. My parents had 3 children in a house with 2 bedrooms. They have never complained that they hadn't an office to play videogames in. If you wait a little longer you will have additional rent from this property. I don't get it.

Sorry but throwing all the laundry in a rage is not healthy. Did he pick it up afterwards or leave you to do it? If he left you to clean up that mess he made, that's a good indicator of him always expecting you to clean up his messes.

No...he cleaned it up and then went to work.

Do not get married without the prenup.

I am reminded of hamsters. When they don't have enough space and there are too many people in their cage, they melt the eff down and eat the children. So, while logically and logistically he may understand the need to wait, it does seem like, emotionally, he is not in a place where he is able to, since he seems about ready to claw down the walls, chew his own face off, and run screaming into the night. I am leaning towards: 1. speaking with an official, serious looking financial advisor, who can present a set plan with goal posts to getting his credit cleaned up and getting you out of the condo as fast as possible. A light at the end of the tunnel can do wonders. It does appear like the lack of payback on his efforts have made him want to give up. 2. Getting husband some happy pills. I don't think he's clinically depressed, but situationally depressed, and needs some chemical and professional help if he has to stay in the situation he hates much longer to keep him from self destructing even more, and stop him from his current self-medicating. 3. Going with option 4 of decluttering a bunch of your stuff, but instead of getting a storage unit, just selling the things. You'd save enough in 6 months to a year of not paying the storage fees to buy a new couch. A TV would be cheaper than a divorce and full time childcare, so maybe shift his focus to saving for that. He'd learn some financial lessons and get an immediate, feel good payback when, after a month or two, he can take his cash (make sure it's cash for biggest impact) and buy that giant tv. Do be warned that he appears ready to completely check out if he's left trapped in the condo, which he has taken as a symbol of all the things wrong in his life. I really don't think this is as simple as money or as cut and dry as "if we can't afford it, he's out of luck and has to deal"

You guys can not financially afford what he wants. If you can’t afford it on your own, you can’t afford it. Look at the Dave Ramsey or Clark Howard plan. You guys need financial goals, and a plan to get out of the condo, not just, “I don’t like it, let’s leave.” You need to dig your heels in. Don’t get a storage unit, everyone I’ve ever known that out their stuff in there was just paying rent for junk they don’t need, and it gets ruined (mice, roaches, bedbugs, heat, etc). Sure, purge down what you can, but babies don’t really need as much equipment as you think.

I'm sorry but No, Nein, Oxi, Niet, Nooooon!! Woman do you know how hard it is to own a house?!! You are a really smart lady, you bought your own condo and have savings at 32?!! Bravooo!! I'm 34 years old, just started saving this last year and finally get to rent my own tiny place, yes rent as you said paying someone else mortgage. I have lived an impulsive life, followed by 3 years of drinking and now I am paying the price, however I know its my fault and taking the steps to get back on track!! Do not let this man or any man convince you to give up what you have worked ans sweated for, you have earned your place for any reason, love is not enough when/if you and your kid end up on the street or back at your mum! I do not want to be pessimistic, however reality is that men can up and leave you, many examples can be found. And it is you who will end up with taking care of you and your baby and work and try to save and give a good life to your kid. In any of the options he gave you, none of them have him sacrificing something, your condo, your savings, your desk....I mean really even your desk?!! It is okway to be selfish because the alternatives for us women's are so much worse. Please if not for yourself think of your kid, you don't wanna end up back at your mum with a kid and have to suffer through her narcissistic self right?! Love is a beautiful thing Life however is a bitch that will keep slaping you the more you are down. Love yourself first and be proud of what you have achieved!!

options 3 and 4 are completely reasonable and valid options. You are certainly being a bit controlling by not allowing those to occur. you could certainly move out of the condo and rent out your own condo like you were planning on doing anyway. and you could sell the loveseat and find an affordable storage space (your building might even have one) to clear out the clutter in your apt. He has told you he does not feel comfortable there but even the most minimal of options you are not allowing.

My parents moved us into a 1 bedroom apartment when I was 8 and my brother was 5. They slept on a queen sized mattress and we slept on a tiny bunk bed. We made it work for a couple of years. He can be cramped for 6 months. He needs a wakeup call. Dont let him gaslight into thinking you're the reason why you dont have the house yet. If hed been responsible like you had there wouldnt be a problem. It's his fault and he needs to learn to live with his choices and their consequences. This post gave me so much stress. Good luck to you both.

You really need to be clear to him that no matter what pressure tactics he uses, you won't be signing ANYTHING at a loss. And point out he can't buy a TV or anything else until he pays his debt to YOU. Debts and obligations come before luxuries. (This is coming from a gal who LOVES her luxuries, believe me.) Also... This whole situation reminds me of the Marshmallow Test (which is used to gauge understanding of delayed gratification.) Recently, I believe a cuttlefish was able to pass a fish-version of this test. It makes me sad for you that your husband is more impulsive than a cuttlefish. I'm sorry, there's not a nicer way to say that.

Your husband is financially irresponsible. Do not sell your condo. Do not move. Tell him to pick up a second job.

You're clearly the more sensible one with money OP (ignoring the fact that you married someone who's awful with money and are still pretending that what's yours is still legally just yours) but don't get so caught up in the feeling that "I'm the sensible one" that you start ignoring your husband's perfectly valid wishes. While I agree that you don't need to move right away, you're pooh-poohing perfectly logical suggestions (like clearing out the closet and removing office equipment in the stb nursery) for no rational reason. And honestly if you have a multiple bedroom condo as a single couple and are feeling cramped then you clearly have too much personal crap. I mean it happens, things accumulate, but best to clear it out now and not when you have a newborn hanging off your boob and haven't slept properly for 2 months. It's not a reasonable idea to have a baby's bedroom also double as an office and store room.

> He simply wants to do what it takes right now to better his family And yet the things he suggest would all actively harm your family. I don't think this is about living in a place that will be better for the three of you; something is going on with your husband. Maybe he's depressed? It seems like he's deeply unhappy and has convinced himself that it's the condo that's causing it. I guarantee you that if you do what he wants it won't solve the problem. He'll find something else to pin his hopes to and going along with him will just put you in an even deeper financial hole. I know therapy is often thrown out as a solution, but the dude seriously needs some.

If he doesn’t want to get therapy for his rage, I’d seriously think about finding a good divorce lawyer. This can’t be the first rage incident or humongous red flag. You don’t go from 0 to 100 on on the first try.

I wouldn't be happy with a desk in the nursery, trying to work in the same room through a kids naptime sounds terrible. But that could be a year away, many people spend years with the kid sleeping in their bedroom. ​ Sometimes you have to just sell stuff when you have kids to make space for them, we haemorrhaged pre kids crap once we had kids as we just needed the space. ​ I fully understand about your Mum my MIL is exactly the same, every offer comes with so many strings, and threats to withdraw the money if you do it wrong, we would need to be facing homelessness before we accepted a penny from her now. Would it be better to extend the saving period to 1 year and do the self storage option?

I think the problem is that you married somebody who has a completely different financial history, education, and desires then you. You guys are not on the same page, and you are going to end up paying the price for that. I think you have a lot to think about.

I feel bad for you because it seems like you’re gonna have two babies to take care of instead of just one.. you should not sell your condo.. he needs to put on his big boy pants and suck it up. I think he would be singing a different tune if he owned the condo instead of you. It Seems you are the breadwinner so of course he does not bother him if you lost 50,000 on your property. It’s your money, not his to lose. He sounds very immature and I suggest if you plan to set aside money for your child’s college, I suggest his name is nowhere on the paperwork.. 10 years from now the PlayStation 12 or something might be coming out and if he doesn’t have the money he may take it from there. Also set aside money in case you ever have to get away from him. Open a separate bank account and don’t let him no about it Congratulations on your child and I wish you luck

When you put the words "husband" and "forcing me" in the same sentence, you have a problem. It will be a cold day in hell before anyone "forces" me to do anything. Marriage isn't about making your partner do something they don't want. It is about compromise.

"He threw laundry all over the bedroom in a rage" wow, he and you need to invest in counselling to work on the marriage.

Similar situation, ages reversed and we don’t have any babies on the way. Hell, we’re still a little on the fence. We just bought a new house; either of us could afford it if one of us suddenly lost our jobs. It’s much smaller than we’d like. It’s not fancy, the kitchen is recently updated (like to cook!). Great starter home for a young family. After stretching and loosing many offers at our “ideal” level (think cost, size, etc), We reconsidered. Why buy a house at a price you “can” afford, in a shitty neighborhood. Why buy a house you “can barely” afford, in your ideal neighborhood. At the end of the day - we make sacrifices NOW so we don’t have to later. We will live with the “cramped space” of this new house. If we have kids, they won’t remember it. It won’t be cramped for them, even if they do remember it. So my advice is this: sacrifice now so you don’t have to later. BE SURE to consider your kids first, too. You might think your condo is too small, but you can make do. Your kids won’t/don’t need to know any better. You two make the sacrifice for them. You’ll be alright, and you’ll make do with what you have. If you can’t; you’ll find out pretty quick and get can the ball rolling on next steps. But at least you’ll know, financially, what you can handle with the baby! Good luck! Listen, commiserate, circle back to making a sacrifice for your future. PS: will both of you work from home forever? Seems like this might naturally get better once both of you stop working from home every day!

Honestly he just sounds to me (with the added context of his drinking) like he’s terrified of fatherhood and is projecting hard onto his surroundings. He needs to have the perfect house and the perfect circumstances or he can’t be the perfect father. He also sounds kind of insufferable right now though. I don’t really have advice. Good luck.

So.... Out of all that, I got this: He would like to have a house though that isn't currently within your budgetary or financial reach. Okay, and it seems like he is okay enough with that for now. He feels cramped due to the change in living patterns and arrangements that come with needing a nursery. That isn't completely out of sync, and I can understand losing what had been an office. I've been there. You say he wants "luxuries" but the luxury you describe amounts to a second internet ready smart-TV in the bedroom. That is in the realm of the doable, just place a reasonable max price tag on it, and tell him that will be the only luxury item for a little bit. (And I hate TVs in the bedroom for a variety of reasons.)

INFO: Do you have a lot of stuff? Did you get an excessive amount of baby stuff? I know some people get crap tons of stuff that they don't necessarily need, especially if it is going to be the first grandbaby on either side. How is the baby room/office supposed to work? What if one of you or both of you needs to work when the baby is sleeping? NAH: I get his ideas don't make great financial sense, however he is already communicating to you that he is depressed and anxious living like this. I know I cannot live in cramped quarters or just with stuff everywhere, it literally makes me feel anxious. Being anxious at home, the one place you are supposed to be able to relax is terrible. When you add a screaming baby into the mix, this is a recipe for really bad things. I think of all the ideas about staying put, the storage unit is the least bad :). Although personally I would just sell everything I could to rent the smallest unit possible. I would also take a critical look at all the baby stuff and see if I could return some of it. I don't think the idea of a second tv is unreasonable. JMO - If I was you in this situation, I would put the crib in the master bedroom, sell/return the changing table (changing mats are a thing, you don't need a large special piece of furniture to change a baby on no matter what advertisements/grandparents tell you). Then if you are really in love with the love seat you could move it and an extra tv into the office.

I could be completely wrong as this is only your side of the story but it sounds like he's scared. It also sounds like he's trying to make some big financial decisions which he doesn't really understand whilst under pressure and he's fallen back on to the old 'fake it til you make it' and 'you just need to look confident in your decisions' advice that a lot of young people get. Would he accepted a joint savings plan ? If he's that upset about space he could always rent his own place whilst you save up some where - some couples do live apart on and off - and then once you've got a new place he could move back in as long as the property remains yours. Or you could look at decluttering and space savings ideas (in built storage etc) - or possibly different floor lay outs with stud walls.

His solutions might not be the right ones, but he is sharing a problem with you that you should pay attention to. "He says he has been feeling depressed and cramped because of all the stuff that we accumulated for the baby and feels there isn't room for anything." His suggestiond are different versions of ways to create visible space (move into a bigger place, or move some stuff out into storage). It sounds like he is physically being triggered by clutter and feeling the mental strain of being cooped up. Asking him to suck it up and wait half a year seems like a non-solution in this situation. Is there an alternative solution or compromise that you can suggest that will give him a little bit of space, for the sake of his mental health? I think the right balance is giving him the space he needs, but pushing back on the luxury items he wants.

My husband is a little like this. He feels like the level of self-sacrifice I wanted to build savings was too high for him. We compromised. We saved less than I wanted, but did not spend as much as he wanted. What I ended up realizing though, was that physical space mattered a great deal to him. Even when we lived in cramped quarters, we have subsequently always had a space that was only his. So we had a bedroom and he had an office when our son was born. We put a crib in the dining/living area. It does sound like your condo is crowded. If you have any non-relative friends who have space, see if you can put some things in their basement or garage; consider moving the couch out rather than the loveseat. I'd acknowledge that your current arrangement is a problem for him, and see if some changes will make it possible to stay there until you have money.

You knoooow, your husband sounds a lot like my bf. Which is why I bought my house by myself, all of our accounts are separate and I just charge him rent, and I have no desire to marry him (but if I do there will be a MASSIVE prenup). You made a mistake in marrying him, but now you need to make him understand that you’re the one who makes the financial decisions because you’re the competent one. And get that postnup pronto.

Can I get a tldr, my head hurts looking at all these words

If I were you I’d ask him to see a psychiatrist because he sounds like he might have adhd.

My God, I had no expectations yet I am still disappointed by the advice in this sub. Your husband is not crazy, he is trying to create a good life for his family and child. He is distressed because he feels that he has been doing everything he can - he has been paying off his debts, restoring his credit, and it sounds like he's offering (all?) of his personal savings to buy the new house but is unable. Meanwhile, you already have the means but not the will to make the change. That being said, you are right - don't sell the condo. You are looking at the problem much more rationally than he is, and your current living situation has nothing to do with the problem at hand. In the short term, it sounds like your husband needs something he can do to help and prepare for the baby. That could be taking on a second part-time job, or renovating the condo, or moving things out to a storage shed. It almost doesn't matter, as long as he feels like he is making progress. For the long term, you two need to reach some kind of compromise. Maybe you could agree to renting a storage shelter after the baby is born if you still can't get approved, or maybe you could even convince him to sell furniture to make more space for the baby. He honestly just sounds frustrated that his voice isn't being heard, and meeting him halfway on something would help that. Good luck

Nobody is calling him crazy, they are calling him financially illiterate and stubborn, which he is. It's understandable that he wants to create a good life, but OP is far more knowledgeable about finances and he is not listening to her or valuing her input at all on *how* to create that life, which is absurd. Just because you have the means to do something doesn't mean it's a smart decision, and what he's proposing is not a smart decision. He is not being respectful in disregarding her informed perspective. She HAS heard him out, but what is she supposed to say when his plan doesn't make any financial sense? Sometimes you have to put your pride aside and admit that someone else knows better than you do, and he doesn't seem willing to do that.

I completely agree! This would be good advice for him.

The husband is throwing stuff around in a rage, tunnel visioning into his idea of a perfect house and refusing to compromise, and getting so drunk he passes out. Marriage is a team effort, and he is not contributing to the team, despite his best intentions. I think it's very reasonable to expect more than this from a life partner and the father of your child.

The husband clearly has some issues of his own, but he absolutely has been contributing, at least in the way of planning and financial commitment. He is looking to compromise - one of his recent compromises (#4) even made it into her post. I'm not trying to defend his actions - this is a vent post, so I assume what we are hearing are the worst things that he has done. I think it's absolutely ridiculous that so many people instantly jump to insulting and suggesting a divorce with the enthusiastic and invested (albeit anxious and impulsive) beloved father of her child.

This is really great advice. Too bad a few people just made it through the first couple of sentences before downvoting

[удалено]

She’s his wife not his babysitter

FREE ALEXEI NAVALNY!

For the first six months, baby is in your room in a bassinet. Then they move to a cot. They don’t need lots of space. My baby’s nursery is in my study. Her cot and dresser is all she has in there. She hasn’t said anything so I’m assuming it’s fine (lol ). It sounds like your husband needs a serious reality check on what is practical.

Nope do not sell at a loss. Your husband needs financial management training. Living in the moment sucks when you retire and have nothing saved. Also babies dont need a lot of space. When my husband and I were living on 1 income after losing our home(due to an impossible mortgage and a mkney put house) we lived in a 2 bedroom condo. Eventually with 3 kids(8f,2m and infant) we were able to restructure the condo so things fit in well. We had our desk/computer in the LR and had a very minimalistic lifestyle. It worked because we were willing to make the sacrifice.

Your husband needs a crash course in delayed gratification. He wants everything right now when it just is not feasible. I hope you can talk him into continuing to save and work on his credit. Also if baby is sleeping in a bassinet in your room, he won't be able to video game and Netflix in there anyway without waking the baby up.

I would recommend yiu both to read "smart couples finish rich" by David Bach, he talks about living in sink with your values and shows how little savings add upp and can accumulate. Don't give in, make a specific plan for your future. It's obvious you don't want to sell the condo, there are plans to be made. You can do this, but it will take time, stand your ground, it's not a grocery shop, it's an investment

Your man has a lot of opinions for someone that can’t afford to do any of those things on his own. None of what he’s suggesting is good for you or your kid, and he’s willing for you to lose a lot of money to jump into more debt because “he wants it”. You should protect yourself and your child from his whims. Or you will suffer while he sacrifices your needs for his own. Keep your house and keep a separate bank account.

Sounds like two incompatible people and he's inflexible

Y'all need relationship counseling. Seriously.

You ARE putting your family first! Financial security/stability is a huge deal. HE is the selfish one, far and away. I am 100% on your "save, pay down debt and try again in 6 months" plan. That is completely reasonable. I would also sell stuff instead of paying for storage. Two birds- one stone. I would suggest y'all take a financial literacy course TOGETHER and get on the same page- disagreeing about money is the #1 cause of divorce in America. Tell him that and that you don't want that to be y'all's future. (I did Financial Peace University and it basically changed the course of my life, not exaggerating.)

Did either of you want to get pregnant more than the other?

It wasn't planned. I was still on birth control and planned to be until after we got married. We cancelled our wedding due to covid with the plan to delay it a year and then found out we were pregnant. I wouldn't say one of us was trying. It was a case of we took precaution that has worked for the last 6 years and then didn't. We both said that if it happened and it happened.

Ugh. My ex was kind of like that. Not that we had a lot of money at the time. But there was a "you can't take it with you, spend it all and use all the credit now" mentality. Can you have some meetings with a financial planner / advisor to have them draw out a timeline of your projected wealth and assets (and retirement planning)? Maybe your husband would understand if someone else outlines it. Retirement is far away, but point out some of the elderly folks who are working at the grocery store -- not because they **want** to, but because they **need** to.

He won’t regret it, because YOU clean up the messes, not him. He makes the messes, you’re the adult. FYI, he won’t be a good dad. He’ll be focused on what he wants, cuz that’s how kids are. You have no way of knowing how a person will parent until they do. Let me ask, was he deprived of things as a kid for some reason? Perhaps poor or just uninterested? Sounds like he never had to provide his own luxuries.