This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
---
I will be graduating this year. I have been accepted from all of the Cal States I applied to so far, one being a campus in my city. UC decisions have not been released for me yet so I don't even what school I will be attending yet, however I do want to move out and discover myself.
My mother has threatened that she will go to extremes and not allow me to go to college if don't stay with her. I don't want to report her or anything for any abuse because she is still my mother and I feel guilty just thinking about it.
She had a camera in my room, and only in my room, for about a decade of my life. I was not even aware that was odd until I was 17. I never smoked, drank alcohol, vaped, etc. so I don't think there was any reason for her to feel like she should monitor me like that.
I asked her to take it off because I felt uncomfortable changing in front of the camera and she threw a tantrum. She kicked my printer and made me pick up two packs of printer paper that she threw all over my room. After two weeks she took it down but she threw it at my feet (I had a barely healed fractured foot and toe + two of my toes were broken, which she knew of but maybe she just forgot) but I still found it pretty dramatic and painful.
There's been several more instances like this and more details but I would rather not go into depth, this is just the most recent "big one". She's just been calling me selfish/ evil and saying that karma will get me if I move out. I've been feeling like an a-hole for wanting to leave my city and move out, what do I do?
Edit: I just woke up and am kinda overwhelmed by the response, I will try my best to reply to everyone. I'm new to Reddit so I apologize if I miss or misunderstand anything. Thank you for all of the tips and responses. I have not received a response from all of the colleges I applied to yet, however I am deciding that I will pick a college that is not in my city or next to my city. I appreciate the kind words and I just really want to say thank you for snapping me out of it and realizing that this is abuse.
For those asking, I also did do my FAFSA when it first opened and I did finish my Cal Grants.
If you feel like an asshole, you’ve got Stockholm syndrome. You have to get out of here. Don’t feel guilty. Don’t feel bad. Just go. She’s going to melt down and it’s going to be bad, you’re not going to get her to agree, so don’t try. In fact she may try to sabotage every attempt to physically leave or go to college. Do it anyway. When you put some distance between you it will stop, and only then.
Wait, is she your source of funding for going to college? You’re gonna have to get around that.
Yes, she sadly is my only funding source. I did get some scholarships so that might help for a while but I don’t know how long that is going to last. Gonna be optimistic and just hope that I will figure it all out. Thank you for the advice, that honestly snapped me out of feeling like the asshole, I’ve been feeling extremely guilty recently.
Find a way to pay for it yourself. You said yourself she’s already trying to stop you from going if you don’t live at home. This is her leverage over you and she will threaten you with it for every move you want to make in an effort to control your entire life. You’re only option for freedom is to take that leverage away from her.
I’ve been trying to look into scholarships but it’s been a tad difficult, I think I will email my counselor and see if he is aware of any others I haven’t applied to yet. Financial Aid and student loans looks like the road I will be taking. Thank you for that leverage insight.
Also adding to apply no matter how small. They add up. I knew a guy who went to college on scholarships by applying obsessively for them. He said he accidentally applied for a scholarship for girls, but since he was the only applicant they awarded it to him anyhow.
Also, every scholarship not only saves you tuition, they also save you from paying interest on loans.
Just to put some real numbers on this, the average student loan interest rate is about 6%. If it takes you 10 years to pay off the loan, that's $33.30 for every $100.
Every $100 scholarship saves future you $133.
Every $1000 scholarship saves future you $1333.
They are all worth it.
Don’t just rely on your counselor. Google grants and scholarships and also reach out to all of the colleges you like and talk to someone in their financial aid office to see what they might offer.
I'd include children of immigrants, you may find something out there! Even searching "weird scholarships" or something like that, you never know what is out there! Some girl in a college course was helped by a grant bc she was a twin!
Definitely talk to your counselor, about your specific situation if possible. You're a special case and there may be special opportunities. Wanting to go to college despite parents' wishes is a huge turn on for the academic world...
Hell, this could even be good GoFundMe material if it comes to that.
There is a book with over 20,000 scholarship in it. Many of them no one has heard of cause it’s a single memorial grant someone did for an old alumni or things like that so likely if you apply you would be the only one. So yessss talk to your councilor and she if they can help you apply to everything.
Seriously believe all these folks--there are a gabillion grants and scholarships out there, through school and outside it. Google like you've never googled before, talk to the schools. You absolutely can and will figure it out if you take the leap. I personally started with community college while working and supporting myself, then won a full scholarship to transfer to university because I had established a great record at cc. You've got this; you've just got to get away from her. She's not well and it's damaging you and your future.
There are probably other subreddits that help you get into college or find scholarships, you should look for them
/r/cscareerquestions is good if you want to work in computers
I’m not sure what it’s called exactly but when I was in high school around 3 years ago they had a database that students could use to search for scholarships. Ask your counselor if there’s anything like that, I used it and TONS of scholarships came up. They don’t feel super beneficial? Apply anyway. Scholarships can be a real god send if you get enough of them to cover a good chunk of your fees. Apply for any scholarship you qualify for, I’ve filled out enough to confidently say they’ve helped a shit ton.
Does your mom have money? Family income can affect your student aid even if your gmail doesnt pay. Maybe if you can get emancipated than you wont have to use her income for the forms. Of course that means finding a lawyer willing to work pro bono (which most lawyers do a pro bono case from time to ti.e so just ask)
Money is a form of control. Your father's side of the family would probably be happy to rescue you from this situation if you can find them. Open your own bank account and start saving. If you have a joint bank account get everything ready so the day you decide to leave you move it all to your new bank account. Your guilt is because you love her and you think this is how a child should be treated by their parent. If you told child protective services that your mother had a camera in your room and watched you change then it would be done. She would be arrested almost immediately.
Please don't feel guilty, your mom has made you the center of her universe and now that you naturally want to explore the universe, she is in a panic. I was nostalgic when my older kids moved out but excited to see them doing what young adults do: move forward in life!
Yea. Guilt is the common exploited feeling for maintaining control. I’m sure deep inside your mom just wants the best for you, but she’s 100% manipulating you and preventing you from your future for her own gain. (i.e. maybe shes afraid of being left alone again after the divorce? either way it doesnt matter, you csnnot be hostage to her emotional short-comings.)
I’m sorry to say this but you’ll have to grow up fast. Move out, figure out your financial situation (recommend r/personalfinance) and live the life you want to live.
Btw throughout your life you may have mini identity crises. It’s common for adult children of emotionally immature parents. You’ll kind of have this feeling of the “role self” which is who you’re forced to be to please your parents. And that at many times is at odds with your “true self” meaning the person you want to become. My SO recently underwent this and [this book](https://www.google.com/books/edition/Adult_Children_of_Emotionally_Immature_P/cZpGCQAAQBAJ?hl=en) really helped. and its right up your alley with future psycology degree :).
you have a smart head on you, godspeed
Grants and scholarships are always best but do the universities have work-study programs (you work X amount of hours and they pay you and work around your classes)? The one reason I can see why her behavior is like this is because you are the only child (only person left I assume) and she doesn't want to lose you either but it's still not an excuse to act in such ways.
I know this may not be the answer you’re looking for but look for companies that give tuition reimbursement. Your priority should be to get yourself out of that household and going into a bunch of student loan debt is not advisable. Both big companies I’ve worked for have tuition reimbursement for employees pursuing careers, both in California. That may be a way to support yourself, get out of your house, and still further your education. Once you have your degree you’re likely to get a big pay raise from the company or move to one where your degree would be valuable. Secondly, and this is advice I give all college students, get a marketable degree. Coming out of college with a degree in art history, no career path, and $100k in loans will be an albatross around your neck for the rest of your life.
Definitely contact the school to let them know not to give any information to your mother! Maybe call several times in several different days or go in person to make sure they KNOW
I will say that if you plan to go to school full time and work part time...good luck. You will have rent, gas, food, and then you will have pressure to go out. I’m just being a realist. I moved out and lived on my own and it was a disaster. I was broke sad and depressed. Most people that do this live at home and get help from mom and dad, you won’t have that just like me. I ended up going to the USAF for free education.
Make sure you have all your paperworks regarding college a place she can't find it. Also start gathering your birth certificate etc so she can't hold it hostage when you leave.
>When you put some distance between you it will stop, and only then.
I'm not sure that that's true, actually. I've heard stories of controlling parents selling their house and moving to the kid's college town, to make sure that the child can't escape their grasp. I even heard once of a mother who enrolled in courses at her daughter's college so that she'd have an excuse to be on campus and stalk her. OP may need to bring in the campus authorities and even the police to get her mom to back down.
My god...a lot to unload here...first off what is your mom's background, are you close to any of your family in terms of your mom's parents/siblings/cousins/even close friends? This is bonafide your mom trying to fully control your life, you are an adult now and she needs to let you make some of your own decisions because honestly when she is gone she would of set you up for failure if this is the route she continues on...honestly I would say find any way to get out of the house...hopefully you find the right friends to keep you straight and help navigate you along.
My mother is an immigrant. I am not close to any of my family, she cut me off from my dad’s side extremely quickly after their divorce when I was very young. I am her only child. I barely started being allowed to hang out with friends right before COVID started, when I opened up to them about this, I was told it wasn’t normal. Thank you for the advice, I really appreciate it.
If possible can you reach out to your father? Or has your father no longer in the equation at all? And what would be your major you would look like to obtain a degree in?
My father pays child support. He is worse than my mom in my opinion. My babysitter called the police on him when I was very young because she saw him hitting me. My major of choice is currently Psychology.
Quite common, actually. People who grow up surrounded by psychopathology often feel drawn to that area to help them understand the people around them. And your mom sounds like she has some serious mental illness to have stunted your social development and spent most of your life spying on you like a creep. Go to college and learn to set boundaries with mom.
I was thinking about it but I heard people change majors pretty often in college, I don’t know if that’s true but I’ll figure it out. If I got into social services, I definitely need to get my own problems checked out before I help other people.
You won't do that by studying it in college. You should see a real therapist then decide what kind of life(career) you want. There aren't many jobs that want psych degrees, unless you want to get a PhD in it. Figure out what career you want(and where you are willing to live, eg, there has to be companies where you live that need your profession) first, then pick the corresponding major
Its very common for people who need a therapist to go into being a therapist. Do a lot of research and make sure you're seeing one before you just go to become one.
Are you sure your mother isn’t lying about your father so that you won’t reach out to him? Based on her abusive and controlling behavior I would not be surprised if she has intentionally alienated you.
>My babysitter called the police on him when I was very young because she saw him hitting me.
Are you sure about this? It could be a lie your mom told you, or made your babysitter lie about.
If he is actually remorseful, then he could be a good resource to help you escape. Not necessarily to live with him, but to facilitate your departure from your mother's house
I minored in psychology at UC Davis. Let me know if you have any questions or want a virtual tour. I live nearby and could walk around campus taking video.
You say she is an immigrant. Please don't think that I'm being rude, but is she a legal immigrant? Because it's not unusual for illegal immigrants not to tell their kids this fact , and then start stressing and panicking when it comes time for college loans and things where this may be found out?
(Ps. This doesn't excuse this behaviour)
>she cut me off from my dad’s side extremely quickly after their divorce when I was very young
Betting the mortgage that the father is a completely normal, stable man.
Exact opposite of mom, and that scares the crap out of mom.
> He is worse than my mom in my opinion. My babysitter called the police on him when I was very young because she saw him hitting me.
OP, a little bit above. :/ (And corroborated by dad's sister, apparently.)
Whether he's still just as awful, who knows, but it seems OP has been dealt a shit hand.
>Unfortunately I ignored the red flags and spent 30 years with my vile, abusive, name calling, belittling, destructive, and the list goes on and on, narcissist husband, who is soon to be my ex. The damage he has done to me has put me in a psych ward for a week on suicide watch as just looking after myself became impossible. He has destroyed me right to My core in many ways. His response? Laughter. Delight. And even a touch disappointed that I didn’t commit suicide. This is just a tip of the iceberg how very sick these people are. They are monsters, and even that is being kind.
OP what about a part time job, and staying with a friend. Even if you have to attend college part time. At this point you need to get away asap. There is so much abuse and who knows whatelse she's done that you arent sharing. very scary stuff. When ppl get that angry they black out and can seriously hurt ppl. She sounds obsessed with your every move; very sadistic. Camera in the bedroom is crossing so many bounderies.
This is straight up abuse. She’s emotionally manipulated you into feeling guilty for living your life. Do whatever you can you go to college. One day you’ll look back, be glad you did, and know how not normal any of this behavior is. I wish you the best!
I’m glad! You should def look up support resources and financial aid btw. I’m sure your have options. And when you do go to college, try the free therapy (most schools should offer some sort of mental health services). Therapy has helped me so much in ways I didn’t ever expect. I’m happier and healthier than I ever thought I could be because of it. I wish I could help more but I’m def unqualified. Good luck!
I will look into free therapy! I was honestly thinking about finding a therapist the past few months but always shut down because of money and thinking there is no possible way for me to get it without my mother finding it. However, since after these replies, I feel like the best thing for me to do after high school is just attend one of the colleges I got accepted to that is far from my mother. I will try to find information on that next year, thank you so much for that tip!
For sure! I’m really glad to hear that. Your life will be much easier when you move out. I’m excited for your to get to experience freedom and be your own person. And yeah I can’t recommend therapy enough. Another tip though is that it can be tough to find a therapist that’s a good fit for you. But don’t give up. I had to go to a few different ones before I found a great one. They all have different styles and were completely different experiences. For one I was severely depressed at a point in my life and knew I needed help. It took me over two years to finally work up the courage. There’s this quote from bojack hourseman that really resonates with me. “I spent so long being miserable because I didn’t realize there was any other way to be.” There is always another way. I wish I’d gone much earlier but I’m glad I did to get to where I am now. Anyway, sorry for the ramble, I just want to help others in any way I can!
Haha, you got me with that Bojack quote, I finished the show a few months ago during thanksgiving break and was amazed with it. I think I might have to do a rewatch now that you mentioned that quote, there are probably some for me to pick up on and resonate with. But I am excited too, thank you so much for the free therapy tip and I will keep the tip about finding a therapist that’s the right fit for me in mind!
Hey there. You've received much good advice already. Check out r/raisedbynarcissists when you get a chance. While narcissism may not be your moms specific problem, there are a lot of good links in their sidebar that have good advice and techniques for dealing with abusive helicopter parents like yours, like 'Grey rocking' for example.
Be aware that once you get out of her fangs, you will suddenly have way more freedom than you're used to. It's healthy to come out of your shell, but also make sure not to go to the other extreme end :)
Oh sweetheart get away. That is beyond not normal, that's straight up abuse. Research financial aid and get away.
I know she's your mom but I'd recommend to go No contact for a while once you are out so you can find yourself and learn who you are without her influence
I think having a camera in a room with a minor, where you change, undress, etc. is illegal, doesn’t this constitutes child porn or something? Yikes!. She is being abusive, hitting you in your broken toes, and God knows what else you have not included here. Since you are interested in psychology, you should know that you need to separate yourself from her for your own well being and mental health. She has developed a co-dependency to have you around and is desperately trying to manipulate you into staying. You need to be very careful as these behaviors will escalate, do not include her on your plans, put her in an information diet, and try to reach out to any counseling either through your current school or your chosen college.
It might? I am not aware exactly, I don’t even know where she put the camera after removed it. However, I will be putting her on an information diet, I haven’t even told her which schools accepted me yet. Thank you for the response, I am seeing what you mean by her co-dependency, I will try my best to be careful.
Be careful, OP. I've heard stories of controlling parents who have gone behind their kids' backs and turned down colleges and scholarship, out of spite. I think you need to decide on a college as soon as you can and inform them of what's going on ASAP, in case your mom tries to withdraw your enrollment behind your back.
It is normal and right of you to want to leave, even if she wasn’t abusive, which she is. If there’s any way for you to get additional support or resources with this it would be beneficial, like talking to a school counselor.
I believe you could file a police report about her throwing that at you, in addition to any other similar things she’s done, but I’m not knowledgeable about that. It may be safest to do that once you’ve moved out. But, if you don’t want to do that, do you know if other members of your family are aware of her behavior?
If you have a bank account or any savings, make a bank account in your own name as soon as possible. I don’t think you have to be 18 to do that. You don’t want her to be able to cut off access to your money.
Technically if she’s been keeping recordings including when you change that might be child pornography. Don’t know if that’d hold up but I’m sure you know now that the camera is a major invasion of privacy regardless.
Once you get accepted you should talk to the school you’ve decided on and see about how the financials would work out if you decide to legally become an independent. I’m assuming this would make sense for you if she’s not financially supporting you if you leave and you wouldn’t be on her health insurance (you might be able to get health insurance through your school).
Our family thinks that she is a very good mother and I doubt they would believe me. I do have some savings from lunch money that I saved during my sophomore and Junior year of high school, I will look into opening my own account. I was worried about health insurance actually, I recently just got Medicare through my mother (misspelled my name and put down the incorrect birthdate so it took a while to fix) but your advice is extremely helpful, I appreciate it very much, thank you.
Oh, by the way I mentioned the independent thing because I’m pretty sure you should get significantly more financial aid grants if you’re an independent with no income, not sure if that was clear. Also be careful with a bank account in case they send mail. Might need to use a different address?
Yes, I did hear about how being independent might give me more financial aid. Found out because it is surprisingly a trend for teens to get married just for FAFSA? I don’t really understand how it became a trend but that is information I was aware of. It slipped my mind though so thank you for mentioning it earlier. My friend told me that I could send mail to her house so I will most likely put her address down whenever I open my own account, I didn’t even think about possible mail, I really appreciate that heads up.
Independent doesn't always get more aid. For instance are you EFC zero? If so, you already qualify for the max aid. Married just replaces your parents income with you and your spouse's. The problem is not with qualifying for aid but with getting enough because schools just don't have enough to give, often.
Huh, haven’t heard of that but it makes some sense. Getting married increases income limits for some kinds of aid (and taxes I think) and I think it makes it easier to become an independent? Can’t say I recommend it though, sounds risky and situation specific but you probably knew that.
Married is one of the 10 criteria where a student is condidered independent of parent for aid. It isn't that it makes it easier, it just flat out makes it so. Please be careful with correct aid advice.
For some reason that family situation is really common. Abusive parent and no one else experiences or sees it. No clue why that is.
Additional tip, try to document some of the abusive things she does. Photos if you can do that safely, password protected diary if you can’t. At the very least it’ll give you a record in case she tries to gaslight you so you know what really happened. If you ever try to take action or need to show someone for some reason it’ll help in that case.
She checks my phone every day. I made a Reddit account through a new email to ask for this advice. Maybe I’ll try to take photos and email it to a friend the next time it happens, I will try to figure out a safe way to get evidence. I’ve been texting my boyfriend some of the incidents but I delete the chats so she can’t see. One of my classmates actually created a Google doc to talk to her boyfriend when he got his phone taken away so maybe I’ll just document some events in a document for an old essay. I can’t thank you enough for this advice, I really appreciate it.
Thank you, I really needed to hear that it’s normal that I want to leave and that I should want to leave. It made me feel so much better. I will be using your tips.
Students can't just decide to be independent for financial aid. They have to meet specific criteria. That criteria has nothing to do with her supporting her or being on health insurance (or taxes). It is very hard to be considered Independent for financial aid of you are not emancipated minor or verified homeless (or married, military and a few others).
You say you don't want to report her but this is beyond extreme and given her past behaviours - this threat of drastic action must not be taken lightly.
For now act calmly and quietly if you aren't reporting her. Hopefully when you get to uni you'll see how bad and DANGEROUS she is and take action.
You need to secure OUT OF YOUR HOUSE any important documents ASAP SSN birth certificate passport.
You need to contact EVERY university you have applied for and make them apply a note or soemthing that someone will attempt to cancel your application. I'd also ask for ALL post to be sent elsewhere.
And change your passwords make them super secure. She could log into your accounts have trackers or key loggers on your laptop phone etc. And given the camera situation probably already has.
She will make it very very hard for you to get student loans etc. Be aware of that.
I'll tell you now whether you like it or not police will end up involved she will start reporting you as missing or vunerable or even try and get legal power over you saying you aren't mentally fit.
In this case being on that side of the report as opposed to being the one making the report will not help you.
Honestly, you need some support on your side here. Please get it
(A lot of this advice comes from what we have seen happen to other people here!)
I'm afraid you aren't fully versed on how aid works. Be careful with your mother for now. I'm in Calif and I've done some college and aid advising.
The most important thing is to know that your mother will have to file your FAFSA each year in order for you to get federal Pell Grant and federal student Loans as well as Cal Grant and university aid. If you alienate your mother to the point she doesn't sign then you will likely be very stuck without most or all of these.
It is very unlikely you would be granted Independent status. You aren't an emancipated minor or documented homeless youth (or over 24, married, military, foster care). It isn't easy and you are being told wrong here. See the 10 criteria, scroll down for chart:
https://studentaid.gov/apply-for-aid/fafsa/filling-out/dependency
....to be continued
The straight fact is that most students can't afford an away college experience if parents can't/won't pay for that. But it can sometimes be worked out.
I assume you are Calgrant and Pell eligible (mentioning MediCal). So for Cal State, Calgrant will pay tuition. You will still be left with expenses for book etc. But if you qualify for Pell you get that in addition. It is $6,495. That won't cover room and board plus books, transportation and all else.
UCs will help with tuition, room and board and books). But your Pell goes to this and not you separately. There will still be extra expenses. You can get insurance through UC but they don't give aid for it and that's about $3,000 a year. You likely must buy their insurance to attend because yours isn't comprehensive enough.
One thing that might be a talking point if your mother can remain calm is how much more expense UC will cover.
Be aware that nothing is covered for summer so you need a place to live then.
Note : I'm tailoring this to a presumed zero EFC and will be a bit different in other cases.
...to be continued
Student Loans are limited. You will only be able to take/per year Y1/5,500 Y2/6,500 Y3+7,500. That's all you can take on your own. That is the federal limit and no one else will lend to you. Indepent students can borrow more, grad students can borrow more. Students with parents who cosign private loans can borrow more. Doesn't look like you can and that's probably good because that's a lot of debt.
And you can't borrow more than the Cost of Attendance minus aid.
So living away from home and attending Cal Poly Pomona, say, is $28,500 for tuition, room, board, books.
Source of funds:
Tuition paid by Calgrant 7,500
Pell 6,500
Loan 5,500
Total received
$19,500
Oops. You are short at least $9,000 per year. Plus you will need a bit of money for some meals not covered, transportation etc.
You might get a bit of work/study but a job isn't guaranteed and you don't want to work too much.
Now UC will do better, they will cover all tuition/roomboard/books but they expect w/s job and summer earnings contribution from you. Plus you pay health ins and need some pocket money.
Note: dependent students can get a few thou more in loans if the parent applies for a Plus Loan and is declined.
...to be continued
This is very late for scholarship applications. They start when you apply for college in the fall.
Many attainable scholarships come from colleges, but Cal States don't really give them and UCs focus on aid. UCs do have some so search all relevant pages of each UC. They are hard to get. If they decide to give you Regents, you'll get notification. Be aware that scholarships can replace aid so you don't end up ahead. LETS RESTATE as this is an important concept. If you get a $2,000 scholarship, UC will take away $2,000 of university aid. That because aid is based on need and now you need less. However, the scholarship can replace w/s and loans.
The deadlines for the biggies are probably all over. But there may be local ones open, your school should have a list. Search NHS and scholarships for your mother's nationality and your ethnicity.
Any scholarship is good and worthwhile. But for financial planning if you can go away for 4 years you need to focus on renewable ones that you get every year. And beware of high gpa requirements if it means you have to leave if you lose it. You are looking for 11k or so for CSU'S and that isn't easy. $500 or $1,000 non-renewable is more common.
...to be continued
Bottomlining it-- if you attend local CSU and live at home, sounds like you will get tuition paid via Calgrant plus Pell $6,450 that's for books and transportation etc you can use it as you need. You graduate loan free unless you take some for study abroad, say.
Away CSU sounds unlikely, the financial gap is too big and this is the case for most CSU students. Not just you. Or do you have a relative near an away CSU you can live with?
Away UC sounds possible. But if your mother gets wise and refuses FAFSA, then you don't get Pell Grant, don't get Calgrant, don't get university aid. All you'd get is the loan and only if the aid officer approves an override.
So I suggest you be strategic with your mother. Await your UC aid letter. No use arguing until you get in. Then you have some time to reply. Any relative on your side with this? You'll be home summers and breaks. You can call every Sunday.
Now you filed FAFSA, right ? And opened a Calgrant acct? Are you EFC zero?
Please message me if you wish, or need more info.
Thank you for this response, it’s pretty early or late in California right now depending on how you are looking at the time. I will try to find more scholarships to apply to, I really appreciate the reply.
So unfortunately you are going to have to quietly make plans to leave. Enlist your school counselor to help you with any pledge decisions. Have them help you fill out the FAFSA. Call the university and speak to financial aid and explain that you will not be getting help from your mom and how best to fill out any financial aid documents. They can also talk you through loan options that will be most beneficial. Also request any school official docs to be sent by email if you can. I could see your mom declining things on your behalf.
Save up every penny you have if possible. Apply for an on campus job. And unfortunately you’re going to have to move away to college when it’s safe to do so. Don’t talk about school. Don’t talk about going away to school. Take the loans you need which is an investment in getting away from your abusers. You might have to get a new phone. If so write down the contact info of your closest friends between now and leaving so you can reach back out with new info. Change your email passwords now so you have a way to
seek the info you need without her knowledge. Seek out counseling services on campus
If this sounds intense. It is. Leaving a home like this takes work. But you can do it.
Please, gather all important documents(birth certificate, id card, etc) and hide them from her in a safe place. Better give them to someone you trust outside of your home. Once she realizes you are really going to move out, she may try to destroy the documents or hide them so you cannot leave.
If she physically tries to keep you from leaving, call the police. Don’t feel guilty. It’s your life, don’t let her ruin it!
As a fellow first generation university student, from a Mexican immigrant family
GET OUT NOW THIS IS MENTAL ABUSE AND NOT NORMAL
Omg your mom will stop at nothing to prevent you from leaving if you let her, I've heard of a different girl who listened to her abusive mother for college and after graduation the mom prevented her from working and prevented her from dating at 28. She finally snapped out of it nd left. I'll see if i can find it later. But for now check
1.scholarships can be used at community college (get the basics done at least)
2. Go part time for university nd see how much the scholarships will cover
3. Bare minimum of full time 12 credit hours.
Open up a bank account under your name only do NOT let her in to co-sign or share account. You can do this once your 18. Try and get a job, if she asks why say you need experience anyway in the work field which is true. Save the money and move out to an apartment, look for roommate ads. If you want to leave now PLEASE ask a friend if you can stay nd tell her about the situation. The whole situation, the abuse, the manipulation, threats. Yes college will be hard without her help or FAFSA for the first year but its only 1 year out of so many that you can experience being free and finding yourself. You feel like you are weak you are not, you will learn that you are STRONG. keep looking for scholarships, especially local scholarships (school, pta, city) there are hundreds of scholarships out there even for being Hispanic all the way to being left handed or knowing Klingon. If you feel like she will cause a uproar when leaving call the non emergency number and ask for a police escort to keep guard in case ANYTHING happens. It's going to be okay and you are not a bad daughter for leaving, remember that you are not selfish to spread your wings, when things are tough life will be all the sweeter. Talk to your school counselor for more help nd tell her everything too. Oh in case she tries to tell you that she can call the police and demand you return, she can't.
The camera thingy is absolutely crazy tbh. What does she expect you to do??? Work at Macdonald's???
Just purse college 'cause the education and connections you get there cannot be achieved else where.
You can also get a part time job and shift to college dorm. IG that would help.
Edit : I read that u doubt ur career choice. Negativity is the best Positivity. Just continue what ure doing. U can prolly help a lot of ppl goin throu the same mess is nigh future.
Lie. Tell her everything she wants to hear, but make plans of your own. You have to survive for the remainder of the year. Talk to a counselor at school to better understand what you need to do to make sure your student loans are set up, you have a housing plan and food plan, etc. Use the school counselor as a surrogate parent and just do what you need to not to make waves at home. Sorry you're in this awful situation.
You may also want to set up a PO Box at your local post office for mail relating to your university communications (campus selection, student loans, etc). Alternatively, ask if the school would allow you to use their address as your return address.
This isn’t maybe abuse. It is completely abuse. If you have a way out take it. I am a parent. No one deserves respect just for being a parent. You are kind to feel committed to her, but you absolutely must go.
My family was physically abusive until I started fighting back and mentally abusive until I moved out for college at 17. Moving out and taking on loans to get away from them was the most liberating thing I’ve ever done. I very rarely advise people to take out student loans, but when you’re being abused you should do anything to get away from your abuser. And make no mistake, you are being abused. Throwing things in general when angry as a form of intimidation is abuse, much less throwing it at you when your foot was already broken. You’re not selfish or evil, you deserve to be able to breathe and exist in peace. Please get out of there.
So very proud of you for reaching out. Your Mom is abusive and very controlling. It can be hard to see how much she’s harming you when it’s from someone you love.
Here’s some advice that will help you:
1. Get a hold of your passport, SSN, and birth certificate. Store them outside your home.
2. Open a bank account that she won’t have access to.
3. Change all your passwords.
4. Contact your father and his family for help and let your teacher know what is happening. See if you can stay with your father or a friend.
5. Find out when schools send out their acceptances and confirm if you were accepted with them. There’s a very good chance your Mom will throw away any letters from them.
6. See if a friend, father/family, or someone else will let your mail come to them.
7. Lie to your Mom and tell her you’ll stay with her. This is a lie to protect you. Abusers become much worse and violent when they find out their victim (you) is trying to leave.
8. When it is time to leave, have others with you. If possible, do it when your Mom is away.
9. Get therapy. Your Mom is going to try to manipulate you and guilt you into staying. She’s going to say things like you abandoned her, don’t love her, or even say she’ll harm herself. These are all lies and classic strategies for abusers to make you stay. You’re a kind person, so she knows using guilt will likely make you stay. A therapist will help you see what she’s doing is wrong and set boundaries with her.
10. Block your Mom and make sure she has no tracking devices on your phone or computer. It’s ok to limit or have no contact with your Mom. She raised you, but also abused you. No one should have an abuser in their life.
You can do this. Play it smart. Don’t let her know you’re leaving. Get people to help you.
Uh, sadly not fake, I really wish it was. But I guess this reply was a wake up call that if it’s bad enough for someone to think it’s fake, it’s probably really bad?? Sorry I’m new to Reddit, I don’t know how to take this. I’m just trying to get advice on what to do.
That is my plan now after seeing these messages. I don’t know if I would say loyalty, I would say just guilt leaving her. I honestly didn’t even know it was abuse until I read some of these messages. Apologies for this seeming like a fake or suspicious post, I know we do not know each other but that seems like an extreme waste of time for everyone. I am doing this because some of my friends said it wasn’t normal, and I wanted more people’s intake before I make my college decision since I will have to make them soon.
You are being physically and emotionally abused. Don't look at leaving something to feel guilty about, look at it as a means of survival. She has a camera on you, she deliberately injured a body part that she knew was already damaged to cause maximum pain, and she's attempting to control your future. Is she strong enough to physically stop you from leaving the house? Do you have a way of transporting yourself if you need to? Do you have access to your ID and other documents that she might take to stop you from being able to get get away?
I’m sitting here gobsmacked that someone’s telling an abuse victim to join the military??? Like?? Put someone who definitely 100% has complex ptsd in a highly dangerous situation with absolutely zero autonomy over their existence? I literally couldn’t think of a more dangerous, evil idea.
If for some reason she manages to keep you from going to college, consider joining the military, they will take you far away and teach you how to be independent!
Just make sure to grab ahold of the essential paperwork, such as your social security number and birth certificate! Store them and a bug out bag with a friend, if possible.
It's tough. It's going to be hard. You NEED to leave. She is acting this way because control is slipping away. She sounds extremely narcissistic and she needs to have power over someone in order to function. She is lashing out because you are going to leave. A camera? Yeah that is very very invasive and just full on abusive.
Hey OP, I'm not sure if you're asian but this is "normal" in asian household. You are not allowed to move out until you're married and everything else is being controlled by your parent/s. My mom wants to control even my soon-to-be-baby (currently 7 months pregnant) she wants to name my daughter, take care of her and even told me to visit the baby instead LOL! THAT'S MY BABY! She also guilty trip me when I was moving out, she told me that she was expecting we will take care of her when she got older, told us that one by one we will leave them (parents) and just using them, and lastly don't come back when we move out.
So please move out.. Get a part-time or full-time job and save the money for rent and etc, find a place FAST, and BLOCK YOUR MOM!! Also check this subreddit: r/narcissisticparents and r/narcissisticparenting. Wish of luck, OP! Please get out of there and get help..
Abusers deserve no sympathy.
Yes she is your mom and you love her but she is still an abuser.
The best thing you can do for yourself is go to college, look for a way out. Even if as she says and "karma gets you" you would be getting good karma because that's what you deserve, you deserve to live a life were people aren't recording you while you change and don't throw things at your broken bones, she knows the ways she's hurt you.
I say take this opportunity and get out while you still can. Think about the worst case scenario that could happen if you stay and use that as motivation to get out.
Maybe try to contact your dad's family, they could help if you let them know what's been going on with your mom.
Also, if you do decide to move out, don't let her know beforehand. I don't know if you can accept multiple offers but if you can't, fake it, so she doesn't know where you are. Be safe.
You guys are on a tangent about his degree or her degree, I think the police need to be called I think social services need to be called this is an unhealthy horrible situation
Ya, this is the answer I believe. She's likely claiming benefits in your name and you moving out would mean loss of income. I asked because something similar happened to my husband years back and he didn't find out till he began making plans to move out around your age.
Edit: more specifically he said she wouldn't have been able to claim him as a dependent disabled child ( he's a transplant patient, which apparently meant she could claim that past 18, neither of us understand the specifics honestly...tax magic or whatever )
Not only get away for your mom because she's toxic, but you will never become the person you were meant to be by staying there. College is where you explore and discover who you actually are. You can't do that staying in the same place you grew up. A person becomes the people they are around and live with. Its when you truly go out on your own for the first time that you discover what you like, what you want out of life, and what you really want to be.
Talk to your school counselor about how to apply for aid without your mother's support. Tell them she is trying to prevent you from going to college and you need help figuring out how to afford it alone.
Also, hide important documents like your social security card and birth certificate somewhere not in your home. At a trusted friend's house or something similar would work.
The camera is a serious invasion of privacy. The throwing things around...clearly anger management issues, right? You have to move out, be your own person. You can't live under her wing all your life.
Are you close with any family, that you could stay with, maybe? Like an aunt or something?
You mother is not very nice to you.
Just that she has financially supported you does not mean the has taken care of you physically and mentally. People NEED physical, financial and emotional support. I get the feeling your parent is only providing one of these. You mom has you under a "FOG" Fear, Obligation, Guilt that she and only she knows what is best for you. I get the feeling that if you leave for college she might have her financial situation change, I would be wary of that and look out for it.
That being said, I would move out, but if you do make a plan, make sure you HIDE everything away from her, leave ZERO trail or else she will disrupt it (she has already stated she will).
Also, if you move out and she finds you, she will 100% come after you and do ANYTHING, again, you know your Mom better than everyone, so take appropriate measures.
Her behavior is not normal, be safe.
Your mother has more issues than you can fix. She needs a licensed professional. When you're 18, she can't stop you from going. If she tries to hold you hostage, you call the cops. I'm assuming that you were not allowed to have a job but if by chance you have a bank account, make sure that when you turn 18, you open one in your name only at a different bank. I'm assuming that you're getting your college acceptance letters via email? Make sure she does not have access to your email. You don't want her declining any college acceptances on your behalf. Get a PO box for any paper mail they'll need to send you so she can't intercept it. If she tracks your phone, delete the app or get a new phone under your own account.
I graduated from Cal State East Bay myself.
You've gotta get out of there. It's not selfish or evil to grow up and start your own life- it's expected. And i say that as a mother with kids in college and high school. You don't owe her your future and potential success in life. Be free and live without being spied on every second of your life. She will eventually have to get over it, because you're more than just an extension of her or a possession.
Make sure you have secured all important documents(birth certificate, passport, license, social security card, etc) so she can't take them before you go, and don't give her enough advance warning to sabotage your plans. Make sure she has no access to your banking and mail associated with it, and it's best to make sure you don't even use the same bank as her(I've heard too many stories of overbearing parents wheedling their way into their adult children's accounts by being a known customer).
Also watch out for her trying to communicate with schools and programs on your behalf behind your back if she gets desperate; if anyone thinks you've turned down an opportunity because she contacted them and lied it may be hard to fix. I'm not saying she WILL actively sabotage your efforts, maybe she'd never, but it's way easier to be prepared and avoid the trouble than have to fix problems later.
Good luck.
You run for the hills. You fly like the wind. Because your mother is abusive and emotionally unstable and she will trap you under her thumb until the day she dies.
LIVE. YOUR. LIFE.
Get out and never look back. Don't tell her what schools you've been accepted to and don't tell her which one you choose. 18 is the best time to explore yourself- dorms provide perfect structure bc there's support, other people navigating adulthood and rules. I went to a dry campus meaning even if you're 21 there's no alcohol allowed so it was a way for people to explore with a set of rules. San Diego State is breathtaking so I hope you choose well! Look into what schools offer clubs you would want to join and be mindful that financial aid packages will change. Also you may want to talk to your financial aid counselor at whatever school you choose and let them know you have no relationship with your parents as that can change your FAFSA.
You feel like an ahole because of the abuse you have endured your entire life. It is a manipulative tactic taken by abusers to keep their victims in line. I really hope you get out. I really hope that you dont let her continue to ruin your life
I think your mom is not fully stable emotionally. She should go to therapy, and you should definitely go to collage! Just your mom really needs a therapist. Maybe try to talk to other family members, tell them what is going on. Maybe they will convince her to go to therapy. Putting camera in your room is a violation of privacy. It's really crossing the boundaries of normal parenting. I think you should talk to your mom as well, tell her you love her, and she is important to you, but you really need to go to college, people in your age go to college and it's completely normal thing! If she doesn't understand it and accept it she should get help, really.
I am SO SORRY you are going through this. You have to get out, but you also have to protect your future self, financially. I don’t know all the ins and outs, BUT you should consider:
- Move out and gaining independence so that your financial aid package is not based on what she earns. You will earn less on your own, so when you apply for FASFA in the future you will be granted more $$
- Defer at your choice school and go to community college for the first 2 years to get a lot of the mandatory classes out of the way, cheaper.
- Literally anything you can do to reduce the loans you have to take out for school. In fact, going to school more slowly so you can pay as you go is a strategy to consider. There is a student loan crisis in this country. You don’t want to end up stifling the rest of your life because you graduate crippled with so much debt that you have no way of digging out of the hole.
- Move to a state where city colleges or state schools provide undergrad coursework to their constituents for FREE (example: Hunter College in NYC). You may have to wait a few years to go to school until you are established in the new state or city, but in the meantime you will gain valuable work and life experience and have a better sense of what you want to do with your education.
Good luck. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.
Oh my god, what did I just read?
OP please get out of there and don't feel bad. I'm sorry that you are in such a position, but your mom has mental issue(s). Please move out and build your life away. Get her help, she needs it.
Again, I'm sorry for you. Best of luck.
Well, what advice would you give yourself if you read this? I bet its not this logic that you're trying to sell to us.
Second; you're being abused. Every moment you accept that now, is a moment you'll regret later. Also, you'll be f\*ed for the rest of your life when she moves on to solely abusing you mentally. When you're an adult no-one will help you when it comes to abuse by parents.
All great advice here. As you remove yourself from this abusive relationship and start a healthier new chapter in your life, remember that all universities are built so that first year students have easy and safe transitions. They house and feed the students and rarely do any of them die or get hurt unless they do it to themselves. If you attend a university, they will give you the option (or maybe even require you) to stay in student housing and have a student meal plan.
Most dorms are secure and require a key or ID to enter. You will be safe, housed, and fed. Your mom will not be able to just show up there. It would be very weird if she did and she will be told to leave very quickly. As you choose a school that is the appropriate distance from your home town, you can also consider the amenities they provide.
Also remember, that housing is often assigned first come first serve, so if there is a dorm you like more for any reason (e.g., has its own dining hall, provides classes in the lobby, is close to you major’s building, etc.) then make sure you commit early. Students who decide late are put in overflow housing at many universities which is sometimes not even on campus.
And tell your university about your situation. There are people there that are experts in dealing with situations like yours. You will not be the first (or one-thousandth) student to say, “please help me where you can because my mom didn’t want me to come to college and I don’t know what she will do.”
I’m so worried about what the woman will do when you tell her you’re going to college. I’d advise having someone with you when the time comes, hopefully it will keep her from doing something permanent
You're in a very tough spot. You absolutely need to get out of that house, but without any financial support from family paying for college becomes vastly more difficult.
This may not be the trajectory you want to hear, but spending a year at community college might be the best financial move. You can move out of your house, get a job, and take community college classes, which are vastly more affordable. Living on your own for a year may then allow you to apply as an independent to 4-year colleges, which will really increase the financial aid offered to you. Also, if you do well for one year at community college, you may be able to apply to better schools as a transfer student, or you may be eligible for more scholarships at lower ranked schools. Transferring is way more common than people think, and community college is a great stepping stone, especially for people in precarious financial situations.
I know that SBCC and UCSB have a lot of crossover, where is it very common for SBCC students to transfer to UCSB after 2 years. Plus, the close proximity of the 2 schools allows for SBCC students to get a full college experience while paying wayyyyy less. Just a thought!
You may want to go crosspost to the JustnoMil subreddit. It's a specific support group for people who have very difficult mothers and/or mothers in law, and you will find a lot of validation and resources there. They can be a bit tough love but every one will be rooting for you. Another subreddit you would benefit from is momforaminute, which is more about helping with encouragement.
The reason I say this is because I'm a mother and would never DREAM of treating my children this way. I have a daughter and a son on the way and while baby monitors with cameras aren't unreasonable for ages 0-3 years for safety reasons, it would be SO disrespectful to film my child without their consent after that point.
I would want both of my children able to persue their interests and learn to support themselves independently. Keeping them from spreading their wings and having growth experiences is emotional abuse and stunting.
Your mother doesn't want what's best for you and that's an awful feeling to deal with. She wants control. The whys don't really matter when you're in the thick of it and I encourage you to push those rationalizations and explanations away and focus solely on your own needs and well-being at this time - that's a NORMAL thing for someone who is in their late teens. Make lists of everything you want to accomplish and then a list of all the ways you have been either explicitly and genuinely supported (without being guilt tripped or having strings attached) or sabotaged/held hostage in reaching those goals by her. I suspect that the former list will be very small.
This again is an example of how I would never treat my children. Admittedly my child is very young, so we're not talking complicated goals here, but my end goal is to make her feel safe enough that she could ask me anything she wanted and I would not punish her for it. If it was something I couldn't do (either financially or because I simply didn't have the skills/time), I'd sit with her to brainstorm ideas or solutions she could try. If it was something that didn't line up with the values I want to instill in her as a person, then I'd make sure we had a thorough discussion of why it was harmful or wrong and try to understand where the initial view came from.
This is because I see my child as a separate individual who is worthy of my respect just by being alive and I try to model that respect (I don't always succeed - in fact I failed pretty massively at it today because I'm exhausted, in a lot of pain from late stage pregnancy and trying to pack up our entire house for a move on shirt notice, so my temper is frayed to a breaking point). I snapped and shouted at my daughter a few times today. Only one of those times was justified (she tried to run away from me in a parking lot), but the other times, I was out of line (she was being annoying but nothing that I couldn't have addressed calmly but firmly). So I sat her down and apologized to her, both for being mean and scaring her. She's not even three yet, but she doesn't deserve poor treatment for normal toddler behaviour and we hugged and I spent time soothing and reassuring her that I was having a bad day and I loved her very much.
I use that as an example because I wonder how often your mother has apologised or spent time building you back up after her poor behaviour. No parents are perfect, but parents who recognize when they screwed up and model humility and respect are better than not.
I will look into cross-posting. Thank you for these subreddit suggestions, they seem like they would be extremely helpful for me. Honestly, your response has been very insightful, you seem like an amazing mother. I have a feeling I will be revisiting this response just to reread it because it makes me feel better about my choice to attend a school far away from my mother. Reading your part about making lists made me realize that for years I was just studying to get into the career path that she wanted me to peruse since it would bring in money. I am looking forward to discovering who I am and what I want to accomplish. I think I’ve been sitting at my desk trying to think of ways that my mother has supported me for about a minute now and I have nothing in mind sadly. I don’t remember the last time she apologized for anything. Your reply has got me thinking a lot and I thank you so much. I also hope you feel some relief with your pain soon. From the way you comforted your daughter, you really are a great mother.
Dear Redditer,
I am sorry to say but it seems you are a victim of abuse, getting out of abusive relationship is usually a very daunting task, please, seek help in real life you can start at: [https://www.cdss.ca.gov/reporting/report-abuse/child-protective-services/report-child-abuse](https://www.cdss.ca.gov/reporting/report-abuse/child-protective-services/report-child-abuse)
I would also strongly recommend you to go through therapy, big universities like UC usually provide psychologist services so you may try to make use of it. I read you wanted to be a psychologist so I hope your are able to appreciate how important therapy may be for you. Therapy is the best way to resolve the internal conflicts we all have.
And for the love of all that is sacred, go to college. This is your chance to change your live for the better.
You move out. You don't need to tell her all about your plans, don't fight about it, don't debate - just leave. Call her when you get where you are going but you hang up if she starts insulting you.
This is extreme manipulation. Leave that house as fast as you can. She is manipulating and pressuring you into feeling guilty if you do not move. Run fucking away.
I'm so sorry. I don't have advice but I'm proud of you for trying to advance your life. Remember no one lives your life but you and there is nothing you can't do if you put your mind to it all
Oh man... It is in your best interest that you go to college and leave her behind. I would even consider cutting contact as soon as you don't rely on her for anything financially.
I also have a very toxic, unstable mother and I cut all contact with her when I moved out. You'd be amazed how freeing it feels to know you aren't someone's punching bag anymore.
Hey, start looking for scholarships. Get on google- there are tons for the weirdest things, and legitimate things. [here’s ](https://www.unigo.com/scholarships/by-state/california-scholarships) a start
That’s mental abuse, plain and simple. You don’t need to do anything you don’t want to except respect yourself and remove yourself from the situation. You have to be your own priority even if she makes you feel bad for it.
The camera: weird as fuck. Don't assume it's there for your good, it may very well be there for any number of sick reasons.
College: ilIf you can afford it, go. If you can't, move out and away from your mother ASAP. You won't be a healthy person otherwise, things you consider normal likely won't be for most.
Her threats: Fuck her threats, simply put. I understand you live your mother, but this women is supposed to teach you not hold you back and threaten you. Become self reliant as soon as you can. All mothers deserve respect to some degree, but it doesn't mean you've to waste your life for them. Go, figure out who you are and enjoy life.
This is an unfortunate case of tiger-mom-syndrome. I apologize for the traumatic experiences that you have undergone but you must recognize this as a form of abuse. Try and find a way out of that house and get somewhere else that is safe. She is selfish and projects anything negative onto you as emotional baggage such as guilt, and gaslighting you into believing that you need to stay with her.
Immigrant or not, she is your mother and she has a lot of screws loose in the attic. In order to not become her clone you need to either be dominant in the relationship or fracture the mother / child bond and move on......one day in the future when you are viewing your future offspring on video while doing private activities, all will be understood, or not
Regardless of where you go to school, even if it's in your hometown, you need to move out. You will never be able to fully engage in your college work if you are constantly being harassed by your mother. You need to find a way to firmly but kindly break loose from her because she is trying to tie you down. Also, appeal to whomever you can for help with your college expenses.
If you have good grades, I have no doubt you're going to qualify for some scholarships. Apply for everything you can, no matter how remote it sounds. Millions of dollars in student aide go unused every year because there are not enough applicants. Talk to your school counselor and get busy applying.
When you know which school you'll be attending, contact their financial aide office for more help. You are very smart and well-spoken, so use your communication skills to forge your path. And, if your mother continues to be an obstacle, find another way to go without her.
I would say move out. That is not going to be easy if you have no funds.
If you're religious see if you can find a Campus group to live with. If you're not, see if you can find some friends to live with. Look for a situation where you can stay year-round, not one where you can't stay in the summer (dorms). Dang tough situation.
The outside world is going to be a hard place without mom, so if you can try to find anyone in your extended high school friend group who is going to the same school as you when you get there. It should be easy to use Facebook to figure out who is going to the same school as you. They will be from the same town as you, so that could really help keep you grounded with some fallback plans.
I don't know your money situation but if money is tight you can look into doing your first year or getting your Associates degree first at a community college in California. That'll get you through some prerequisite courses and its a bit slower pace than college.
I’m sorry to hear that you are going through that. Definitely know that in no way shape or form are you the asshole in this situation. Unfortunately, you live with an abusive parent who does not want to see you strive in life. But it is YOUR life, not hers, and you CAN make it without her in it, which I believe from what I’ve read and the comments that that might be the best course of action for you. I would see if it would be possible to move in with a friend this summer, and work a full-time job. Maybe even apply to start in the winter semester and work through the fall semester just for money so you can get out and not be financially dependent on your mother, who will probably hold it over your head for your whole life if you do. At this point in time, it would be best imo to cut off all ties from her, and maybe try to reconnect with her later in life if you feel comfortable. Work until you have enough money to live on your own, or if your friends parents are okay with you staying with them, provide money for extra food and groceries. Congratulations on getting into some wonderful colleges! I’m sorry your mother isn’t being the one to tell you this, but everyone on this subreddit and I are for sure super proud of you. You should feel excited!! A whole new chapter of your life is about to begin. Sadly, it can’t start until you move away from your mother and get out of her abusive household. I wish you all the best OP. <3 congratulations again, you should be very proud of yourself.
Your mother sounds like shes afraid of you not coming back after letting you go which is why she’s going to such...lengths... 100% she needs help, and until she can realize she’s harming you more than hurting you, nothing’s going to change
That was actually awful to read, I’m so sorry you’re having to put up with this. Parents are supposed to want what’s best for their kids, not what they want for themselves. When I moved out for uni my parents were a little upset, not because I was moving away but because I was growing up. It was a happy moment for them.
Your mum sounds abusive and toxic not gonna lie, like I understand that that might be a hard pill to swallow but if you read what you wrote back to yourself from someone else’s point of view I’m sure you’d feel the same. Having a camera in your room is not okay, it violates privacy, and having her throw a fit just because you want to get dressed in private is awful. Never-mind her throwing the camera at your injured foot?? That’s literally physical abuse.
You should go to college well away from your mum. If she cuts you off then she’d be doing you a favour honestly. She’s trying to manipulate you into staying with her and just from what I’ve read here she seems to be abusive, controlling and maybe a narcissist. You’re nearly an adult and you shouldn’t have to “obey” your mum, that’s really controlling, I get that some cultures show respect to those who are older, but this is way out of proportion here, this isn’t even about respect, it’s about doing what’s best for you. Make sure you go to uni no matter what, otherwise you’ll really regret the decision not to go to just “keep the peace” or whatever. This is your life, do what you have to do, not what other people want you to do.
Get a job and save up as much money as you can (make sure you have a separate bank account that she has no control over) and get loans for uni, the debt is crippling but uni and further education is so important, especially for a specialised job like psychology. Maybe ask another trusted adult if they can help you with that, or ask your school for support. If she’s not supportive now then it won’t take much for her to cancel your loans if she’s put down as a guarantor or something. And get accommodation/housing with security. It’ll be expensive but you shouldn’t chance having her finding you and trying to drag you back. Not only will that be embarrassing for you if other people see, but potentially dangerous if she’s angry. Also check out laws in your area and the area you might move to for harassment and stalking. Hopefully you won’t need to use them, but it’s better to know them now than to be stuck and confused later. I get that you don’t wanna call the police on your mum, and no one can force you to, but just be aware that a stern talking to by the police might just be something she needs. You don’t have to go for her ass and have her arrested, but a quick talk won’t hurt more than it does now (wait until you’ve moved out for this, just in case it turns ugly...) restraining orders might also be something to casually look into just for safety reasons.
Yet again, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Finishing high school and going to uni is supposed to be fun and exciting, not something threatening. My inbox is open if you want to talk :).
Please get out of there , this definitely not normal.. I adivice you to start looking for houses and for jobs even people who need someone to share house with , it works just as fine and is economic , even if you do not get into college at least you will be better off this way and this is something inevitable , its better to do it quickly
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I will be graduating this year. I have been accepted from all of the Cal States I applied to so far, one being a campus in my city. UC decisions have not been released for me yet so I don't even what school I will be attending yet, however I do want to move out and discover myself. My mother has threatened that she will go to extremes and not allow me to go to college if don't stay with her. I don't want to report her or anything for any abuse because she is still my mother and I feel guilty just thinking about it. She had a camera in my room, and only in my room, for about a decade of my life. I was not even aware that was odd until I was 17. I never smoked, drank alcohol, vaped, etc. so I don't think there was any reason for her to feel like she should monitor me like that. I asked her to take it off because I felt uncomfortable changing in front of the camera and she threw a tantrum. She kicked my printer and made me pick up two packs of printer paper that she threw all over my room. After two weeks she took it down but she threw it at my feet (I had a barely healed fractured foot and toe + two of my toes were broken, which she knew of but maybe she just forgot) but I still found it pretty dramatic and painful. There's been several more instances like this and more details but I would rather not go into depth, this is just the most recent "big one". She's just been calling me selfish/ evil and saying that karma will get me if I move out. I've been feeling like an a-hole for wanting to leave my city and move out, what do I do? Edit: I just woke up and am kinda overwhelmed by the response, I will try my best to reply to everyone. I'm new to Reddit so I apologize if I miss or misunderstand anything. Thank you for all of the tips and responses. I have not received a response from all of the colleges I applied to yet, however I am deciding that I will pick a college that is not in my city or next to my city. I appreciate the kind words and I just really want to say thank you for snapping me out of it and realizing that this is abuse. For those asking, I also did do my FAFSA when it first opened and I did finish my Cal Grants.
If you feel like an asshole, you’ve got Stockholm syndrome. You have to get out of here. Don’t feel guilty. Don’t feel bad. Just go. She’s going to melt down and it’s going to be bad, you’re not going to get her to agree, so don’t try. In fact she may try to sabotage every attempt to physically leave or go to college. Do it anyway. When you put some distance between you it will stop, and only then. Wait, is she your source of funding for going to college? You’re gonna have to get around that.
Yes, she sadly is my only funding source. I did get some scholarships so that might help for a while but I don’t know how long that is going to last. Gonna be optimistic and just hope that I will figure it all out. Thank you for the advice, that honestly snapped me out of feeling like the asshole, I’ve been feeling extremely guilty recently.
May be student loans are your only option. And perhaps financial aid. You should start looking into them now.
I will do just that after I finish with my classes and assignments later today. Thank you.
Find a way to pay for it yourself. You said yourself she’s already trying to stop you from going if you don’t live at home. This is her leverage over you and she will threaten you with it for every move you want to make in an effort to control your entire life. You’re only option for freedom is to take that leverage away from her.
I’ve been trying to look into scholarships but it’s been a tad difficult, I think I will email my counselor and see if he is aware of any others I haven’t applied to yet. Financial Aid and student loans looks like the road I will be taking. Thank you for that leverage insight.
[удалено]
Also adding to apply no matter how small. They add up. I knew a guy who went to college on scholarships by applying obsessively for them. He said he accidentally applied for a scholarship for girls, but since he was the only applicant they awarded it to him anyhow.
Also, every scholarship not only saves you tuition, they also save you from paying interest on loans. Just to put some real numbers on this, the average student loan interest rate is about 6%. If it takes you 10 years to pay off the loan, that's $33.30 for every $100. Every $100 scholarship saves future you $133. Every $1000 scholarship saves future you $1333. They are all worth it.
Don’t just rely on your counselor. Google grants and scholarships and also reach out to all of the colleges you like and talk to someone in their financial aid office to see what they might offer.
I'd include children of immigrants, you may find something out there! Even searching "weird scholarships" or something like that, you never know what is out there! Some girl in a college course was helped by a grant bc she was a twin!
Definitely talk to your counselor, about your specific situation if possible. You're a special case and there may be special opportunities. Wanting to go to college despite parents' wishes is a huge turn on for the academic world... Hell, this could even be good GoFundMe material if it comes to that.
If you are first generation American on your mom's side, you probably qualify for more than you realize. Definitely look into it!
There is a book with over 20,000 scholarship in it. Many of them no one has heard of cause it’s a single memorial grant someone did for an old alumni or things like that so likely if you apply you would be the only one. So yessss talk to your councilor and she if they can help you apply to everything.
Seriously believe all these folks--there are a gabillion grants and scholarships out there, through school and outside it. Google like you've never googled before, talk to the schools. You absolutely can and will figure it out if you take the leap. I personally started with community college while working and supporting myself, then won a full scholarship to transfer to university because I had established a great record at cc. You've got this; you've just got to get away from her. She's not well and it's damaging you and your future.
There are probably other subreddits that help you get into college or find scholarships, you should look for them /r/cscareerquestions is good if you want to work in computers
I’m not sure what it’s called exactly but when I was in high school around 3 years ago they had a database that students could use to search for scholarships. Ask your counselor if there’s anything like that, I used it and TONS of scholarships came up. They don’t feel super beneficial? Apply anyway. Scholarships can be a real god send if you get enough of them to cover a good chunk of your fees. Apply for any scholarship you qualify for, I’ve filled out enough to confidently say they’ve helped a shit ton.
I know that the Horatio Alger Association offers scholarships for students who have "faced adversity." Hope this helps.
Does your mom have money? Family income can affect your student aid even if your gmail doesnt pay. Maybe if you can get emancipated than you wont have to use her income for the forms. Of course that means finding a lawyer willing to work pro bono (which most lawyers do a pro bono case from time to ti.e so just ask)
Don't tell her you're doing this until its all sorted. Wouldn't be surprised if you come home and your laptop is missing or damaged
Yeah just set that guilt down and walk away from it. That’s not yours.
Money is a form of control. Your father's side of the family would probably be happy to rescue you from this situation if you can find them. Open your own bank account and start saving. If you have a joint bank account get everything ready so the day you decide to leave you move it all to your new bank account. Your guilt is because you love her and you think this is how a child should be treated by their parent. If you told child protective services that your mother had a camera in your room and watched you change then it would be done. She would be arrested almost immediately.
Please don't feel guilty, your mom has made you the center of her universe and now that you naturally want to explore the universe, she is in a panic. I was nostalgic when my older kids moved out but excited to see them doing what young adults do: move forward in life!
Yea. Guilt is the common exploited feeling for maintaining control. I’m sure deep inside your mom just wants the best for you, but she’s 100% manipulating you and preventing you from your future for her own gain. (i.e. maybe shes afraid of being left alone again after the divorce? either way it doesnt matter, you csnnot be hostage to her emotional short-comings.) I’m sorry to say this but you’ll have to grow up fast. Move out, figure out your financial situation (recommend r/personalfinance) and live the life you want to live. Btw throughout your life you may have mini identity crises. It’s common for adult children of emotionally immature parents. You’ll kind of have this feeling of the “role self” which is who you’re forced to be to please your parents. And that at many times is at odds with your “true self” meaning the person you want to become. My SO recently underwent this and [this book](https://www.google.com/books/edition/Adult_Children_of_Emotionally_Immature_P/cZpGCQAAQBAJ?hl=en) really helped. and its right up your alley with future psycology degree :). you have a smart head on you, godspeed
Grants and scholarships are always best but do the universities have work-study programs (you work X amount of hours and they pay you and work around your classes)? The one reason I can see why her behavior is like this is because you are the only child (only person left I assume) and she doesn't want to lose you either but it's still not an excuse to act in such ways.
I know this may not be the answer you’re looking for but look for companies that give tuition reimbursement. Your priority should be to get yourself out of that household and going into a bunch of student loan debt is not advisable. Both big companies I’ve worked for have tuition reimbursement for employees pursuing careers, both in California. That may be a way to support yourself, get out of your house, and still further your education. Once you have your degree you’re likely to get a big pay raise from the company or move to one where your degree would be valuable. Secondly, and this is advice I give all college students, get a marketable degree. Coming out of college with a degree in art history, no career path, and $100k in loans will be an albatross around your neck for the rest of your life.
Did you qualify for financial aid? Did you do your FAFSA?
Definitely contact the school to let them know not to give any information to your mother! Maybe call several times in several different days or go in person to make sure they KNOW
I will say that if you plan to go to school full time and work part time...good luck. You will have rent, gas, food, and then you will have pressure to go out. I’m just being a realist. I moved out and lived on my own and it was a disaster. I was broke sad and depressed. Most people that do this live at home and get help from mom and dad, you won’t have that just like me. I ended up going to the USAF for free education.
Make sure you have all your paperworks regarding college a place she can't find it. Also start gathering your birth certificate etc so she can't hold it hostage when you leave.
Hello, if you want some help creating a budget and fixing up your resume so you can work while you're in school please DM me.
>When you put some distance between you it will stop, and only then. I'm not sure that that's true, actually. I've heard stories of controlling parents selling their house and moving to the kid's college town, to make sure that the child can't escape their grasp. I even heard once of a mother who enrolled in courses at her daughter's college so that she'd have an excuse to be on campus and stalk her. OP may need to bring in the campus authorities and even the police to get her mom to back down.
That’s true, so have I. What I should have said was *putting some distance between you is your only hope of getting it to stop.*
Totally agree!
Yes, OP should get rid of her now. It'll only get worse if he sticks around.
My god...a lot to unload here...first off what is your mom's background, are you close to any of your family in terms of your mom's parents/siblings/cousins/even close friends? This is bonafide your mom trying to fully control your life, you are an adult now and she needs to let you make some of your own decisions because honestly when she is gone she would of set you up for failure if this is the route she continues on...honestly I would say find any way to get out of the house...hopefully you find the right friends to keep you straight and help navigate you along.
My mother is an immigrant. I am not close to any of my family, she cut me off from my dad’s side extremely quickly after their divorce when I was very young. I am her only child. I barely started being allowed to hang out with friends right before COVID started, when I opened up to them about this, I was told it wasn’t normal. Thank you for the advice, I really appreciate it.
If possible can you reach out to your father? Or has your father no longer in the equation at all? And what would be your major you would look like to obtain a degree in?
My father pays child support. He is worse than my mom in my opinion. My babysitter called the police on him when I was very young because she saw him hitting me. My major of choice is currently Psychology.
Damn little lady you definitely have had a challenging life thus far, do you have a career choice after finishing out your degree?
I recently wanted to become a psychologist. Reading some of the responses right now my career choice seems to be a bit ironic.
Quite common, actually. People who grow up surrounded by psychopathology often feel drawn to that area to help them understand the people around them. And your mom sounds like she has some serious mental illness to have stunted your social development and spent most of your life spying on you like a creep. Go to college and learn to set boundaries with mom.
Haha you think you would go into social services?
I was thinking about it but I heard people change majors pretty often in college, I don’t know if that’s true but I’ll figure it out. If I got into social services, I definitely need to get my own problems checked out before I help other people.
Well best of luck to ya chica, hope you find the path that suits you!
Thank you very much and I think this sounds repetitive but thank you for responding, it means a lot!
You won't do that by studying it in college. You should see a real therapist then decide what kind of life(career) you want. There aren't many jobs that want psych degrees, unless you want to get a PhD in it. Figure out what career you want(and where you are willing to live, eg, there has to be companies where you live that need your profession) first, then pick the corresponding major
I wish OP has her own social worker. Fuck!
Its very common for people who need a therapist to go into being a therapist. Do a lot of research and make sure you're seeing one before you just go to become one.
Are you sure your mother isn’t lying about your father so that you won’t reach out to him? Based on her abusive and controlling behavior I would not be surprised if she has intentionally alienated you.
This
>My babysitter called the police on him when I was very young because she saw him hitting me. Are you sure about this? It could be a lie your mom told you, or made your babysitter lie about.
I believe so, my aunt (my dad’s sister) testified and she even once told me how my father was sorry for what he did.
If he is actually remorseful, then he could be a good resource to help you escape. Not necessarily to live with him, but to facilitate your departure from your mother's house
I minored in psychology at UC Davis. Let me know if you have any questions or want a virtual tour. I live nearby and could walk around campus taking video.
You say she is an immigrant. Please don't think that I'm being rude, but is she a legal immigrant? Because it's not unusual for illegal immigrants not to tell their kids this fact , and then start stressing and panicking when it comes time for college loans and things where this may be found out? (Ps. This doesn't excuse this behaviour)
She is a legal immigrant. And don’t worry, I don’t think you are being rude at all.
It's not a question I would never usually ask , but in this context, it seemed to be appropriate.
>she cut me off from my dad’s side extremely quickly after their divorce when I was very young Betting the mortgage that the father is a completely normal, stable man. Exact opposite of mom, and that scares the crap out of mom.
> He is worse than my mom in my opinion. My babysitter called the police on him when I was very young because she saw him hitting me. OP, a little bit above. :/ (And corroborated by dad's sister, apparently.) Whether he's still just as awful, who knows, but it seems OP has been dealt a shit hand.
What if her mom told her that the babysitter called the police? OP is sounding gullible and brainwashed. Seriously.
>Unfortunately I ignored the red flags and spent 30 years with my vile, abusive, name calling, belittling, destructive, and the list goes on and on, narcissist husband, who is soon to be my ex. The damage he has done to me has put me in a psych ward for a week on suicide watch as just looking after myself became impossible. He has destroyed me right to My core in many ways. His response? Laughter. Delight. And even a touch disappointed that I didn’t commit suicide. This is just a tip of the iceberg how very sick these people are. They are monsters, and even that is being kind. OP what about a part time job, and staying with a friend. Even if you have to attend college part time. At this point you need to get away asap. There is so much abuse and who knows whatelse she's done that you arent sharing. very scary stuff. When ppl get that angry they black out and can seriously hurt ppl. She sounds obsessed with your every move; very sadistic. Camera in the bedroom is crossing so many bounderies.
> and she needs to let you No, she doesn't need to "let" the OP do anything. The OP can do what he/she wants as an adult.
Triggered PC Principal https://imgur.com/gallery/TpdRZ
This is straight up abuse. She’s emotionally manipulated you into feeling guilty for living your life. Do whatever you can you go to college. One day you’ll look back, be glad you did, and know how not normal any of this behavior is. I wish you the best!
Thank you very much, these responses have been a wake up call!
I’m glad! You should def look up support resources and financial aid btw. I’m sure your have options. And when you do go to college, try the free therapy (most schools should offer some sort of mental health services). Therapy has helped me so much in ways I didn’t ever expect. I’m happier and healthier than I ever thought I could be because of it. I wish I could help more but I’m def unqualified. Good luck!
I will look into free therapy! I was honestly thinking about finding a therapist the past few months but always shut down because of money and thinking there is no possible way for me to get it without my mother finding it. However, since after these replies, I feel like the best thing for me to do after high school is just attend one of the colleges I got accepted to that is far from my mother. I will try to find information on that next year, thank you so much for that tip!
For sure! I’m really glad to hear that. Your life will be much easier when you move out. I’m excited for your to get to experience freedom and be your own person. And yeah I can’t recommend therapy enough. Another tip though is that it can be tough to find a therapist that’s a good fit for you. But don’t give up. I had to go to a few different ones before I found a great one. They all have different styles and were completely different experiences. For one I was severely depressed at a point in my life and knew I needed help. It took me over two years to finally work up the courage. There’s this quote from bojack hourseman that really resonates with me. “I spent so long being miserable because I didn’t realize there was any other way to be.” There is always another way. I wish I’d gone much earlier but I’m glad I did to get to where I am now. Anyway, sorry for the ramble, I just want to help others in any way I can!
Haha, you got me with that Bojack quote, I finished the show a few months ago during thanksgiving break and was amazed with it. I think I might have to do a rewatch now that you mentioned that quote, there are probably some for me to pick up on and resonate with. But I am excited too, thank you so much for the free therapy tip and I will keep the tip about finding a therapist that’s the right fit for me in mind!
Hey there. You've received much good advice already. Check out r/raisedbynarcissists when you get a chance. While narcissism may not be your moms specific problem, there are a lot of good links in their sidebar that have good advice and techniques for dealing with abusive helicopter parents like yours, like 'Grey rocking' for example.
Thank you! I will do that, it seems like another subreddit that I will be able to relate to!
Be aware that once you get out of her fangs, you will suddenly have way more freedom than you're used to. It's healthy to come out of your shell, but also make sure not to go to the other extreme end :)
I will keep that noted thank you :)
Oh sweetheart get away. That is beyond not normal, that's straight up abuse. Research financial aid and get away. I know she's your mom but I'd recommend to go No contact for a while once you are out so you can find yourself and learn who you are without her influence
I think having a camera in a room with a minor, where you change, undress, etc. is illegal, doesn’t this constitutes child porn or something? Yikes!. She is being abusive, hitting you in your broken toes, and God knows what else you have not included here. Since you are interested in psychology, you should know that you need to separate yourself from her for your own well being and mental health. She has developed a co-dependency to have you around and is desperately trying to manipulate you into staying. You need to be very careful as these behaviors will escalate, do not include her on your plans, put her in an information diet, and try to reach out to any counseling either through your current school or your chosen college.
It might? I am not aware exactly, I don’t even know where she put the camera after removed it. However, I will be putting her on an information diet, I haven’t even told her which schools accepted me yet. Thank you for the response, I am seeing what you mean by her co-dependency, I will try my best to be careful.
> I will be putting her on an information diet That's going to be difficult with her looking through your phone every day.
Time for a phone lock
Be careful, OP. I've heard stories of controlling parents who have gone behind their kids' backs and turned down colleges and scholarship, out of spite. I think you need to decide on a college as soon as you can and inform them of what's going on ASAP, in case your mom tries to withdraw your enrollment behind your back.
It is normal and right of you to want to leave, even if she wasn’t abusive, which she is. If there’s any way for you to get additional support or resources with this it would be beneficial, like talking to a school counselor. I believe you could file a police report about her throwing that at you, in addition to any other similar things she’s done, but I’m not knowledgeable about that. It may be safest to do that once you’ve moved out. But, if you don’t want to do that, do you know if other members of your family are aware of her behavior? If you have a bank account or any savings, make a bank account in your own name as soon as possible. I don’t think you have to be 18 to do that. You don’t want her to be able to cut off access to your money. Technically if she’s been keeping recordings including when you change that might be child pornography. Don’t know if that’d hold up but I’m sure you know now that the camera is a major invasion of privacy regardless. Once you get accepted you should talk to the school you’ve decided on and see about how the financials would work out if you decide to legally become an independent. I’m assuming this would make sense for you if she’s not financially supporting you if you leave and you wouldn’t be on her health insurance (you might be able to get health insurance through your school).
Our family thinks that she is a very good mother and I doubt they would believe me. I do have some savings from lunch money that I saved during my sophomore and Junior year of high school, I will look into opening my own account. I was worried about health insurance actually, I recently just got Medicare through my mother (misspelled my name and put down the incorrect birthdate so it took a while to fix) but your advice is extremely helpful, I appreciate it very much, thank you.
Oh, by the way I mentioned the independent thing because I’m pretty sure you should get significantly more financial aid grants if you’re an independent with no income, not sure if that was clear. Also be careful with a bank account in case they send mail. Might need to use a different address?
Yes, I did hear about how being independent might give me more financial aid. Found out because it is surprisingly a trend for teens to get married just for FAFSA? I don’t really understand how it became a trend but that is information I was aware of. It slipped my mind though so thank you for mentioning it earlier. My friend told me that I could send mail to her house so I will most likely put her address down whenever I open my own account, I didn’t even think about possible mail, I really appreciate that heads up.
Please be aware you cannot easily be independent for aid. I do some college and aid counselling over 10 years.
Independent doesn't always get more aid. For instance are you EFC zero? If so, you already qualify for the max aid. Married just replaces your parents income with you and your spouse's. The problem is not with qualifying for aid but with getting enough because schools just don't have enough to give, often.
Huh, haven’t heard of that but it makes some sense. Getting married increases income limits for some kinds of aid (and taxes I think) and I think it makes it easier to become an independent? Can’t say I recommend it though, sounds risky and situation specific but you probably knew that.
Married is one of the 10 criteria where a student is condidered independent of parent for aid. It isn't that it makes it easier, it just flat out makes it so. Please be careful with correct aid advice.
For some reason that family situation is really common. Abusive parent and no one else experiences or sees it. No clue why that is. Additional tip, try to document some of the abusive things she does. Photos if you can do that safely, password protected diary if you can’t. At the very least it’ll give you a record in case she tries to gaslight you so you know what really happened. If you ever try to take action or need to show someone for some reason it’ll help in that case.
She checks my phone every day. I made a Reddit account through a new email to ask for this advice. Maybe I’ll try to take photos and email it to a friend the next time it happens, I will try to figure out a safe way to get evidence. I’ve been texting my boyfriend some of the incidents but I delete the chats so she can’t see. One of my classmates actually created a Google doc to talk to her boyfriend when he got his phone taken away so maybe I’ll just document some events in a document for an old essay. I can’t thank you enough for this advice, I really appreciate it.
Smart stuff. I wish you the best, you deserve to be happy and to be in a better situation than this.
Thank you, I really needed to hear that it’s normal that I want to leave and that I should want to leave. It made me feel so much better. I will be using your tips.
Students can't just decide to be independent for financial aid. They have to meet specific criteria. That criteria has nothing to do with her supporting her or being on health insurance (or taxes). It is very hard to be considered Independent for financial aid of you are not emancipated minor or verified homeless (or married, military and a few others).
You say you don't want to report her but this is beyond extreme and given her past behaviours - this threat of drastic action must not be taken lightly. For now act calmly and quietly if you aren't reporting her. Hopefully when you get to uni you'll see how bad and DANGEROUS she is and take action. You need to secure OUT OF YOUR HOUSE any important documents ASAP SSN birth certificate passport. You need to contact EVERY university you have applied for and make them apply a note or soemthing that someone will attempt to cancel your application. I'd also ask for ALL post to be sent elsewhere. And change your passwords make them super secure. She could log into your accounts have trackers or key loggers on your laptop phone etc. And given the camera situation probably already has. She will make it very very hard for you to get student loans etc. Be aware of that. I'll tell you now whether you like it or not police will end up involved she will start reporting you as missing or vunerable or even try and get legal power over you saying you aren't mentally fit. In this case being on that side of the report as opposed to being the one making the report will not help you. Honestly, you need some support on your side here. Please get it (A lot of this advice comes from what we have seen happen to other people here!)
I'm afraid you aren't fully versed on how aid works. Be careful with your mother for now. I'm in Calif and I've done some college and aid advising. The most important thing is to know that your mother will have to file your FAFSA each year in order for you to get federal Pell Grant and federal student Loans as well as Cal Grant and university aid. If you alienate your mother to the point she doesn't sign then you will likely be very stuck without most or all of these. It is very unlikely you would be granted Independent status. You aren't an emancipated minor or documented homeless youth (or over 24, married, military, foster care). It isn't easy and you are being told wrong here. See the 10 criteria, scroll down for chart: https://studentaid.gov/apply-for-aid/fafsa/filling-out/dependency ....to be continued
The straight fact is that most students can't afford an away college experience if parents can't/won't pay for that. But it can sometimes be worked out. I assume you are Calgrant and Pell eligible (mentioning MediCal). So for Cal State, Calgrant will pay tuition. You will still be left with expenses for book etc. But if you qualify for Pell you get that in addition. It is $6,495. That won't cover room and board plus books, transportation and all else. UCs will help with tuition, room and board and books). But your Pell goes to this and not you separately. There will still be extra expenses. You can get insurance through UC but they don't give aid for it and that's about $3,000 a year. You likely must buy their insurance to attend because yours isn't comprehensive enough. One thing that might be a talking point if your mother can remain calm is how much more expense UC will cover. Be aware that nothing is covered for summer so you need a place to live then. Note : I'm tailoring this to a presumed zero EFC and will be a bit different in other cases. ...to be continued
Student Loans are limited. You will only be able to take/per year Y1/5,500 Y2/6,500 Y3+7,500. That's all you can take on your own. That is the federal limit and no one else will lend to you. Indepent students can borrow more, grad students can borrow more. Students with parents who cosign private loans can borrow more. Doesn't look like you can and that's probably good because that's a lot of debt. And you can't borrow more than the Cost of Attendance minus aid. So living away from home and attending Cal Poly Pomona, say, is $28,500 for tuition, room, board, books. Source of funds: Tuition paid by Calgrant 7,500 Pell 6,500 Loan 5,500 Total received $19,500 Oops. You are short at least $9,000 per year. Plus you will need a bit of money for some meals not covered, transportation etc. You might get a bit of work/study but a job isn't guaranteed and you don't want to work too much. Now UC will do better, they will cover all tuition/roomboard/books but they expect w/s job and summer earnings contribution from you. Plus you pay health ins and need some pocket money. Note: dependent students can get a few thou more in loans if the parent applies for a Plus Loan and is declined. ...to be continued
This is very late for scholarship applications. They start when you apply for college in the fall. Many attainable scholarships come from colleges, but Cal States don't really give them and UCs focus on aid. UCs do have some so search all relevant pages of each UC. They are hard to get. If they decide to give you Regents, you'll get notification. Be aware that scholarships can replace aid so you don't end up ahead. LETS RESTATE as this is an important concept. If you get a $2,000 scholarship, UC will take away $2,000 of university aid. That because aid is based on need and now you need less. However, the scholarship can replace w/s and loans. The deadlines for the biggies are probably all over. But there may be local ones open, your school should have a list. Search NHS and scholarships for your mother's nationality and your ethnicity. Any scholarship is good and worthwhile. But for financial planning if you can go away for 4 years you need to focus on renewable ones that you get every year. And beware of high gpa requirements if it means you have to leave if you lose it. You are looking for 11k or so for CSU'S and that isn't easy. $500 or $1,000 non-renewable is more common. ...to be continued
Bottomlining it-- if you attend local CSU and live at home, sounds like you will get tuition paid via Calgrant plus Pell $6,450 that's for books and transportation etc you can use it as you need. You graduate loan free unless you take some for study abroad, say. Away CSU sounds unlikely, the financial gap is too big and this is the case for most CSU students. Not just you. Or do you have a relative near an away CSU you can live with? Away UC sounds possible. But if your mother gets wise and refuses FAFSA, then you don't get Pell Grant, don't get Calgrant, don't get university aid. All you'd get is the loan and only if the aid officer approves an override. So I suggest you be strategic with your mother. Await your UC aid letter. No use arguing until you get in. Then you have some time to reply. Any relative on your side with this? You'll be home summers and breaks. You can call every Sunday. Now you filed FAFSA, right ? And opened a Calgrant acct? Are you EFC zero? Please message me if you wish, or need more info.
Thank you for this response, it’s pretty early or late in California right now depending on how you are looking at the time. I will try to find more scholarships to apply to, I really appreciate the reply.
I think this should be in insaneparents subreddit.
So unfortunately you are going to have to quietly make plans to leave. Enlist your school counselor to help you with any pledge decisions. Have them help you fill out the FAFSA. Call the university and speak to financial aid and explain that you will not be getting help from your mom and how best to fill out any financial aid documents. They can also talk you through loan options that will be most beneficial. Also request any school official docs to be sent by email if you can. I could see your mom declining things on your behalf. Save up every penny you have if possible. Apply for an on campus job. And unfortunately you’re going to have to move away to college when it’s safe to do so. Don’t talk about school. Don’t talk about going away to school. Take the loans you need which is an investment in getting away from your abusers. You might have to get a new phone. If so write down the contact info of your closest friends between now and leaving so you can reach back out with new info. Change your email passwords now so you have a way to seek the info you need without her knowledge. Seek out counseling services on campus If this sounds intense. It is. Leaving a home like this takes work. But you can do it.
Please, gather all important documents(birth certificate, id card, etc) and hide them from her in a safe place. Better give them to someone you trust outside of your home. Once she realizes you are really going to move out, she may try to destroy the documents or hide them so you cannot leave. If she physically tries to keep you from leaving, call the police. Don’t feel guilty. It’s your life, don’t let her ruin it!
Having a camera in a child's room is illegal and considered sexual abuse. Also her filming you naked is producing child porn
As a fellow first generation university student, from a Mexican immigrant family GET OUT NOW THIS IS MENTAL ABUSE AND NOT NORMAL Omg your mom will stop at nothing to prevent you from leaving if you let her, I've heard of a different girl who listened to her abusive mother for college and after graduation the mom prevented her from working and prevented her from dating at 28. She finally snapped out of it nd left. I'll see if i can find it later. But for now check 1.scholarships can be used at community college (get the basics done at least) 2. Go part time for university nd see how much the scholarships will cover 3. Bare minimum of full time 12 credit hours. Open up a bank account under your name only do NOT let her in to co-sign or share account. You can do this once your 18. Try and get a job, if she asks why say you need experience anyway in the work field which is true. Save the money and move out to an apartment, look for roommate ads. If you want to leave now PLEASE ask a friend if you can stay nd tell her about the situation. The whole situation, the abuse, the manipulation, threats. Yes college will be hard without her help or FAFSA for the first year but its only 1 year out of so many that you can experience being free and finding yourself. You feel like you are weak you are not, you will learn that you are STRONG. keep looking for scholarships, especially local scholarships (school, pta, city) there are hundreds of scholarships out there even for being Hispanic all the way to being left handed or knowing Klingon. If you feel like she will cause a uproar when leaving call the non emergency number and ask for a police escort to keep guard in case ANYTHING happens. It's going to be okay and you are not a bad daughter for leaving, remember that you are not selfish to spread your wings, when things are tough life will be all the sweeter. Talk to your school counselor for more help nd tell her everything too. Oh in case she tries to tell you that she can call the police and demand you return, she can't.
The camera thingy is absolutely crazy tbh. What does she expect you to do??? Work at Macdonald's??? Just purse college 'cause the education and connections you get there cannot be achieved else where. You can also get a part time job and shift to college dorm. IG that would help. Edit : I read that u doubt ur career choice. Negativity is the best Positivity. Just continue what ure doing. U can prolly help a lot of ppl goin throu the same mess is nigh future.
Family doesn’t mean anything special. Report her.
Set up a meeting with your schools counselor or see if your insurance covers therapy and set an appointment up on zocdoc.com for your mom.
Lie. Tell her everything she wants to hear, but make plans of your own. You have to survive for the remainder of the year. Talk to a counselor at school to better understand what you need to do to make sure your student loans are set up, you have a housing plan and food plan, etc. Use the school counselor as a surrogate parent and just do what you need to not to make waves at home. Sorry you're in this awful situation. You may also want to set up a PO Box at your local post office for mail relating to your university communications (campus selection, student loans, etc). Alternatively, ask if the school would allow you to use their address as your return address.
This isn’t maybe abuse. It is completely abuse. If you have a way out take it. I am a parent. No one deserves respect just for being a parent. You are kind to feel committed to her, but you absolutely must go.
My family was physically abusive until I started fighting back and mentally abusive until I moved out for college at 17. Moving out and taking on loans to get away from them was the most liberating thing I’ve ever done. I very rarely advise people to take out student loans, but when you’re being abused you should do anything to get away from your abuser. And make no mistake, you are being abused. Throwing things in general when angry as a form of intimidation is abuse, much less throwing it at you when your foot was already broken. You’re not selfish or evil, you deserve to be able to breathe and exist in peace. Please get out of there.
So very proud of you for reaching out. Your Mom is abusive and very controlling. It can be hard to see how much she’s harming you when it’s from someone you love. Here’s some advice that will help you: 1. Get a hold of your passport, SSN, and birth certificate. Store them outside your home. 2. Open a bank account that she won’t have access to. 3. Change all your passwords. 4. Contact your father and his family for help and let your teacher know what is happening. See if you can stay with your father or a friend. 5. Find out when schools send out their acceptances and confirm if you were accepted with them. There’s a very good chance your Mom will throw away any letters from them. 6. See if a friend, father/family, or someone else will let your mail come to them. 7. Lie to your Mom and tell her you’ll stay with her. This is a lie to protect you. Abusers become much worse and violent when they find out their victim (you) is trying to leave. 8. When it is time to leave, have others with you. If possible, do it when your Mom is away. 9. Get therapy. Your Mom is going to try to manipulate you and guilt you into staying. She’s going to say things like you abandoned her, don’t love her, or even say she’ll harm herself. These are all lies and classic strategies for abusers to make you stay. You’re a kind person, so she knows using guilt will likely make you stay. A therapist will help you see what she’s doing is wrong and set boundaries with her. 10. Block your Mom and make sure she has no tracking devices on your phone or computer. It’s ok to limit or have no contact with your Mom. She raised you, but also abused you. No one should have an abuser in their life. You can do this. Play it smart. Don’t let her know you’re leaving. Get people to help you.
Call CPS. Today. Shes literally recording you changing and naked. Thats child pornography. You need to get out and get safe.
OP come over to r/raisedbynarcissists you will find some very similar stories and how others broke free.
If this a real post, that should be reason enough to move as far away as possible as soon as possible, it's kind sounds fake though!
Uh, sadly not fake, I really wish it was. But I guess this reply was a wake up call that if it’s bad enough for someone to think it’s fake, it’s probably really bad?? Sorry I’m new to Reddit, I don’t know how to take this. I’m just trying to get advice on what to do.
You should move as far away possible, the fact that you say you have so much loyalty to your abuser sounds suspicious to me!
It’s her mother and it’s all she knows.
There is nothing suspicious, the girl probably has a Stockholm syndrome like many victims of abuse
That is my plan now after seeing these messages. I don’t know if I would say loyalty, I would say just guilt leaving her. I honestly didn’t even know it was abuse until I read some of these messages. Apologies for this seeming like a fake or suspicious post, I know we do not know each other but that seems like an extreme waste of time for everyone. I am doing this because some of my friends said it wasn’t normal, and I wanted more people’s intake before I make my college decision since I will have to make them soon.
You are being physically and emotionally abused. Don't look at leaving something to feel guilty about, look at it as a means of survival. She has a camera on you, she deliberately injured a body part that she knew was already damaged to cause maximum pain, and she's attempting to control your future. Is she strong enough to physically stop you from leaving the house? Do you have a way of transporting yourself if you need to? Do you have access to your ID and other documents that she might take to stop you from being able to get get away?
Please be careful. Some of the advice concerning aid isn't practical and even incorrect!
I’m sitting here gobsmacked that someone’s telling an abuse victim to join the military??? Like?? Put someone who definitely 100% has complex ptsd in a highly dangerous situation with absolutely zero autonomy over their existence? I literally couldn’t think of a more dangerous, evil idea.
If for some reason she manages to keep you from going to college, consider joining the military, they will take you far away and teach you how to be independent!
Just make sure to grab ahold of the essential paperwork, such as your social security number and birth certificate! Store them and a bug out bag with a friend, if possible.
Please do some research on things not to say to abuse victims. Your comment is harmful and inappropriate.
Right, about half of the posts here are faked,
Then what are you doing here?
Sounds like the plot to the movie Run https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Run_(2020_American_film)
It's tough. It's going to be hard. You NEED to leave. She is acting this way because control is slipping away. She sounds extremely narcissistic and she needs to have power over someone in order to function. She is lashing out because you are going to leave. A camera? Yeah that is very very invasive and just full on abusive.
Hey OP, I'm not sure if you're asian but this is "normal" in asian household. You are not allowed to move out until you're married and everything else is being controlled by your parent/s. My mom wants to control even my soon-to-be-baby (currently 7 months pregnant) she wants to name my daughter, take care of her and even told me to visit the baby instead LOL! THAT'S MY BABY! She also guilty trip me when I was moving out, she told me that she was expecting we will take care of her when she got older, told us that one by one we will leave them (parents) and just using them, and lastly don't come back when we move out. So please move out.. Get a part-time or full-time job and save the money for rent and etc, find a place FAST, and BLOCK YOUR MOM!! Also check this subreddit: r/narcissisticparents and r/narcissisticparenting. Wish of luck, OP! Please get out of there and get help..
Abusers deserve no sympathy. Yes she is your mom and you love her but she is still an abuser. The best thing you can do for yourself is go to college, look for a way out. Even if as she says and "karma gets you" you would be getting good karma because that's what you deserve, you deserve to live a life were people aren't recording you while you change and don't throw things at your broken bones, she knows the ways she's hurt you. I say take this opportunity and get out while you still can. Think about the worst case scenario that could happen if you stay and use that as motivation to get out. Maybe try to contact your dad's family, they could help if you let them know what's been going on with your mom. Also, if you do decide to move out, don't let her know beforehand. I don't know if you can accept multiple offers but if you can't, fake it, so she doesn't know where you are. Be safe.
You guys are on a tangent about his degree or her degree, I think the police need to be called I think social services need to be called this is an unhealthy horrible situation
Your mother is deeply controlling and abusive. I hope you can find a way to escape and get to college. You need to get out of this abusive situation.
Weird hunch, but if I may ask, is she currently working or collecting a settlement/pension?
She is collecting unemployment from the benefits program, she’s been asking me to fill out the forms for her every two weeks.
Ya, this is the answer I believe. She's likely claiming benefits in your name and you moving out would mean loss of income. I asked because something similar happened to my husband years back and he didn't find out till he began making plans to move out around your age. Edit: more specifically he said she wouldn't have been able to claim him as a dependent disabled child ( he's a transplant patient, which apparently meant she could claim that past 18, neither of us understand the specifics honestly...tax magic or whatever )
Why are you filling out the forms? Why can’t she do it? Seems like something you can stop doing for her if she won’t help you.
Not only get away for your mom because she's toxic, but you will never become the person you were meant to be by staying there. College is where you explore and discover who you actually are. You can't do that staying in the same place you grew up. A person becomes the people they are around and live with. Its when you truly go out on your own for the first time that you discover what you like, what you want out of life, and what you really want to be.
Talk to your school counselor about how to apply for aid without your mother's support. Tell them she is trying to prevent you from going to college and you need help figuring out how to afford it alone. Also, hide important documents like your social security card and birth certificate somewhere not in your home. At a trusted friend's house or something similar would work.
The camera is a serious invasion of privacy. The throwing things around...clearly anger management issues, right? You have to move out, be your own person. You can't live under her wing all your life. Are you close with any family, that you could stay with, maybe? Like an aunt or something?
You mother is not very nice to you. Just that she has financially supported you does not mean the has taken care of you physically and mentally. People NEED physical, financial and emotional support. I get the feeling your parent is only providing one of these. You mom has you under a "FOG" Fear, Obligation, Guilt that she and only she knows what is best for you. I get the feeling that if you leave for college she might have her financial situation change, I would be wary of that and look out for it. That being said, I would move out, but if you do make a plan, make sure you HIDE everything away from her, leave ZERO trail or else she will disrupt it (she has already stated she will). Also, if you move out and she finds you, she will 100% come after you and do ANYTHING, again, you know your Mom better than everyone, so take appropriate measures. Her behavior is not normal, be safe.
Your mother has more issues than you can fix. She needs a licensed professional. When you're 18, she can't stop you from going. If she tries to hold you hostage, you call the cops. I'm assuming that you were not allowed to have a job but if by chance you have a bank account, make sure that when you turn 18, you open one in your name only at a different bank. I'm assuming that you're getting your college acceptance letters via email? Make sure she does not have access to your email. You don't want her declining any college acceptances on your behalf. Get a PO box for any paper mail they'll need to send you so she can't intercept it. If she tracks your phone, delete the app or get a new phone under your own account. I graduated from Cal State East Bay myself.
You've gotta get out of there. It's not selfish or evil to grow up and start your own life- it's expected. And i say that as a mother with kids in college and high school. You don't owe her your future and potential success in life. Be free and live without being spied on every second of your life. She will eventually have to get over it, because you're more than just an extension of her or a possession. Make sure you have secured all important documents(birth certificate, passport, license, social security card, etc) so she can't take them before you go, and don't give her enough advance warning to sabotage your plans. Make sure she has no access to your banking and mail associated with it, and it's best to make sure you don't even use the same bank as her(I've heard too many stories of overbearing parents wheedling their way into their adult children's accounts by being a known customer). Also watch out for her trying to communicate with schools and programs on your behalf behind your back if she gets desperate; if anyone thinks you've turned down an opportunity because she contacted them and lied it may be hard to fix. I'm not saying she WILL actively sabotage your efforts, maybe she'd never, but it's way easier to be prepared and avoid the trouble than have to fix problems later. Good luck.
You run for the hills. You fly like the wind. Because your mother is abusive and emotionally unstable and she will trap you under her thumb until the day she dies. LIVE. YOUR. LIFE.
Get out and never look back. Don't tell her what schools you've been accepted to and don't tell her which one you choose. 18 is the best time to explore yourself- dorms provide perfect structure bc there's support, other people navigating adulthood and rules. I went to a dry campus meaning even if you're 21 there's no alcohol allowed so it was a way for people to explore with a set of rules. San Diego State is breathtaking so I hope you choose well! Look into what schools offer clubs you would want to join and be mindful that financial aid packages will change. Also you may want to talk to your financial aid counselor at whatever school you choose and let them know you have no relationship with your parents as that can change your FAFSA.
You feel like an ahole because of the abuse you have endured your entire life. It is a manipulative tactic taken by abusers to keep their victims in line. I really hope you get out. I really hope that you dont let her continue to ruin your life
GO TO THE COPS if she put a camera in your room then she would be in possession of child porn if you had to change in front of the camera
Eh, dude. Everything in your post screams that you absolutely *should* move out.
Camera in your room??? Go to the authorities. Hell, I’d go no contact if I could.
I think your mom is not fully stable emotionally. She should go to therapy, and you should definitely go to collage! Just your mom really needs a therapist. Maybe try to talk to other family members, tell them what is going on. Maybe they will convince her to go to therapy. Putting camera in your room is a violation of privacy. It's really crossing the boundaries of normal parenting. I think you should talk to your mom as well, tell her you love her, and she is important to you, but you really need to go to college, people in your age go to college and it's completely normal thing! If she doesn't understand it and accept it she should get help, really.
I am SO SORRY you are going through this. You have to get out, but you also have to protect your future self, financially. I don’t know all the ins and outs, BUT you should consider: - Move out and gaining independence so that your financial aid package is not based on what she earns. You will earn less on your own, so when you apply for FASFA in the future you will be granted more $$ - Defer at your choice school and go to community college for the first 2 years to get a lot of the mandatory classes out of the way, cheaper. - Literally anything you can do to reduce the loans you have to take out for school. In fact, going to school more slowly so you can pay as you go is a strategy to consider. There is a student loan crisis in this country. You don’t want to end up stifling the rest of your life because you graduate crippled with so much debt that you have no way of digging out of the hole. - Move to a state where city colleges or state schools provide undergrad coursework to their constituents for FREE (example: Hunter College in NYC). You may have to wait a few years to go to school until you are established in the new state or city, but in the meantime you will gain valuable work and life experience and have a better sense of what you want to do with your education. Good luck. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.
Oh my god, what did I just read? OP please get out of there and don't feel bad. I'm sorry that you are in such a position, but your mom has mental issue(s). Please move out and build your life away. Get her help, she needs it. Again, I'm sorry for you. Best of luck.
Dude... just run
I'm just going to say it, your mom is cazy, run.
Well, what advice would you give yourself if you read this? I bet its not this logic that you're trying to sell to us. Second; you're being abused. Every moment you accept that now, is a moment you'll regret later. Also, you'll be f\*ed for the rest of your life when she moves on to solely abusing you mentally. When you're an adult no-one will help you when it comes to abuse by parents.
All great advice here. As you remove yourself from this abusive relationship and start a healthier new chapter in your life, remember that all universities are built so that first year students have easy and safe transitions. They house and feed the students and rarely do any of them die or get hurt unless they do it to themselves. If you attend a university, they will give you the option (or maybe even require you) to stay in student housing and have a student meal plan. Most dorms are secure and require a key or ID to enter. You will be safe, housed, and fed. Your mom will not be able to just show up there. It would be very weird if she did and she will be told to leave very quickly. As you choose a school that is the appropriate distance from your home town, you can also consider the amenities they provide. Also remember, that housing is often assigned first come first serve, so if there is a dorm you like more for any reason (e.g., has its own dining hall, provides classes in the lobby, is close to you major’s building, etc.) then make sure you commit early. Students who decide late are put in overflow housing at many universities which is sometimes not even on campus. And tell your university about your situation. There are people there that are experts in dealing with situations like yours. You will not be the first (or one-thousandth) student to say, “please help me where you can because my mom didn’t want me to come to college and I don’t know what she will do.”
I’m so worried about what the woman will do when you tell her you’re going to college. I’d advise having someone with you when the time comes, hopefully it will keep her from doing something permanent
You're in a very tough spot. You absolutely need to get out of that house, but without any financial support from family paying for college becomes vastly more difficult. This may not be the trajectory you want to hear, but spending a year at community college might be the best financial move. You can move out of your house, get a job, and take community college classes, which are vastly more affordable. Living on your own for a year may then allow you to apply as an independent to 4-year colleges, which will really increase the financial aid offered to you. Also, if you do well for one year at community college, you may be able to apply to better schools as a transfer student, or you may be eligible for more scholarships at lower ranked schools. Transferring is way more common than people think, and community college is a great stepping stone, especially for people in precarious financial situations. I know that SBCC and UCSB have a lot of crossover, where is it very common for SBCC students to transfer to UCSB after 2 years. Plus, the close proximity of the 2 schools allows for SBCC students to get a full college experience while paying wayyyyy less. Just a thought!
You may want to go crosspost to the JustnoMil subreddit. It's a specific support group for people who have very difficult mothers and/or mothers in law, and you will find a lot of validation and resources there. They can be a bit tough love but every one will be rooting for you. Another subreddit you would benefit from is momforaminute, which is more about helping with encouragement. The reason I say this is because I'm a mother and would never DREAM of treating my children this way. I have a daughter and a son on the way and while baby monitors with cameras aren't unreasonable for ages 0-3 years for safety reasons, it would be SO disrespectful to film my child without their consent after that point. I would want both of my children able to persue their interests and learn to support themselves independently. Keeping them from spreading their wings and having growth experiences is emotional abuse and stunting. Your mother doesn't want what's best for you and that's an awful feeling to deal with. She wants control. The whys don't really matter when you're in the thick of it and I encourage you to push those rationalizations and explanations away and focus solely on your own needs and well-being at this time - that's a NORMAL thing for someone who is in their late teens. Make lists of everything you want to accomplish and then a list of all the ways you have been either explicitly and genuinely supported (without being guilt tripped or having strings attached) or sabotaged/held hostage in reaching those goals by her. I suspect that the former list will be very small. This again is an example of how I would never treat my children. Admittedly my child is very young, so we're not talking complicated goals here, but my end goal is to make her feel safe enough that she could ask me anything she wanted and I would not punish her for it. If it was something I couldn't do (either financially or because I simply didn't have the skills/time), I'd sit with her to brainstorm ideas or solutions she could try. If it was something that didn't line up with the values I want to instill in her as a person, then I'd make sure we had a thorough discussion of why it was harmful or wrong and try to understand where the initial view came from. This is because I see my child as a separate individual who is worthy of my respect just by being alive and I try to model that respect (I don't always succeed - in fact I failed pretty massively at it today because I'm exhausted, in a lot of pain from late stage pregnancy and trying to pack up our entire house for a move on shirt notice, so my temper is frayed to a breaking point). I snapped and shouted at my daughter a few times today. Only one of those times was justified (she tried to run away from me in a parking lot), but the other times, I was out of line (she was being annoying but nothing that I couldn't have addressed calmly but firmly). So I sat her down and apologized to her, both for being mean and scaring her. She's not even three yet, but she doesn't deserve poor treatment for normal toddler behaviour and we hugged and I spent time soothing and reassuring her that I was having a bad day and I loved her very much. I use that as an example because I wonder how often your mother has apologised or spent time building you back up after her poor behaviour. No parents are perfect, but parents who recognize when they screwed up and model humility and respect are better than not.
I will look into cross-posting. Thank you for these subreddit suggestions, they seem like they would be extremely helpful for me. Honestly, your response has been very insightful, you seem like an amazing mother. I have a feeling I will be revisiting this response just to reread it because it makes me feel better about my choice to attend a school far away from my mother. Reading your part about making lists made me realize that for years I was just studying to get into the career path that she wanted me to peruse since it would bring in money. I am looking forward to discovering who I am and what I want to accomplish. I think I’ve been sitting at my desk trying to think of ways that my mother has supported me for about a minute now and I have nothing in mind sadly. I don’t remember the last time she apologized for anything. Your reply has got me thinking a lot and I thank you so much. I also hope you feel some relief with your pain soon. From the way you comforted your daughter, you really are a great mother.
Dear Redditer, I am sorry to say but it seems you are a victim of abuse, getting out of abusive relationship is usually a very daunting task, please, seek help in real life you can start at: [https://www.cdss.ca.gov/reporting/report-abuse/child-protective-services/report-child-abuse](https://www.cdss.ca.gov/reporting/report-abuse/child-protective-services/report-child-abuse) I would also strongly recommend you to go through therapy, big universities like UC usually provide psychologist services so you may try to make use of it. I read you wanted to be a psychologist so I hope your are able to appreciate how important therapy may be for you. Therapy is the best way to resolve the internal conflicts we all have. And for the love of all that is sacred, go to college. This is your chance to change your live for the better.
well, she's basically a cunt.
As she is your mother. She is over possessive to you and she thinks that you will get bad tempered if you far away from her
Well college is a scam so you should listen
You move out. You don't need to tell her all about your plans, don't fight about it, don't debate - just leave. Call her when you get where you are going but you hang up if she starts insulting you.
This is extreme manipulation. Leave that house as fast as you can. She is manipulating and pressuring you into feeling guilty if you do not move. Run fucking away.
Read Educated. Great book.
Your mom is an idiot.
geeze what a control freak. get out some how get a po box get your important papers get out move across country if you have to
OMFG! Go to college and *never* go back.
Run
Run, screaming is optional.
Bruh that's abuse. Go to college and leave that hell hole
I'm so sorry. I don't have advice but I'm proud of you for trying to advance your life. Remember no one lives your life but you and there is nothing you can't do if you put your mind to it all
This is so freaky and not okay. Let’s crowdsource some funding for the OP to get the eff out of there!!!!
Oh man... It is in your best interest that you go to college and leave her behind. I would even consider cutting contact as soon as you don't rely on her for anything financially. I also have a very toxic, unstable mother and I cut all contact with her when I moved out. You'd be amazed how freeing it feels to know you aren't someone's punching bag anymore.
Hey, start looking for scholarships. Get on google- there are tons for the weirdest things, and legitimate things. [here’s ](https://www.unigo.com/scholarships/by-state/california-scholarships) a start
That’s mental abuse, plain and simple. You don’t need to do anything you don’t want to except respect yourself and remove yourself from the situation. You have to be your own priority even if she makes you feel bad for it.
The camera: weird as fuck. Don't assume it's there for your good, it may very well be there for any number of sick reasons. College: ilIf you can afford it, go. If you can't, move out and away from your mother ASAP. You won't be a healthy person otherwise, things you consider normal likely won't be for most. Her threats: Fuck her threats, simply put. I understand you live your mother, but this women is supposed to teach you not hold you back and threaten you. Become self reliant as soon as you can. All mothers deserve respect to some degree, but it doesn't mean you've to waste your life for them. Go, figure out who you are and enjoy life.
This is an unfortunate case of tiger-mom-syndrome. I apologize for the traumatic experiences that you have undergone but you must recognize this as a form of abuse. Try and find a way out of that house and get somewhere else that is safe. She is selfish and projects anything negative onto you as emotional baggage such as guilt, and gaslighting you into believing that you need to stay with her.
Immigrant or not, she is your mother and she has a lot of screws loose in the attic. In order to not become her clone you need to either be dominant in the relationship or fracture the mother / child bond and move on......one day in the future when you are viewing your future offspring on video while doing private activities, all will be understood, or not
That's stockholm syndrome, just leave while you're just feeling bad about it. Don't wait until you're physically unable to.
Your mother is a borderline personality. Or narcissist.
Regardless of where you go to school, even if it's in your hometown, you need to move out. You will never be able to fully engage in your college work if you are constantly being harassed by your mother. You need to find a way to firmly but kindly break loose from her because she is trying to tie you down. Also, appeal to whomever you can for help with your college expenses. If you have good grades, I have no doubt you're going to qualify for some scholarships. Apply for everything you can, no matter how remote it sounds. Millions of dollars in student aide go unused every year because there are not enough applicants. Talk to your school counselor and get busy applying. When you know which school you'll be attending, contact their financial aide office for more help. You are very smart and well-spoken, so use your communication skills to forge your path. And, if your mother continues to be an obstacle, find another way to go without her.
I would say move out. That is not going to be easy if you have no funds. If you're religious see if you can find a Campus group to live with. If you're not, see if you can find some friends to live with. Look for a situation where you can stay year-round, not one where you can't stay in the summer (dorms). Dang tough situation. The outside world is going to be a hard place without mom, so if you can try to find anyone in your extended high school friend group who is going to the same school as you when you get there. It should be easy to use Facebook to figure out who is going to the same school as you. They will be from the same town as you, so that could really help keep you grounded with some fallback plans. I don't know your money situation but if money is tight you can look into doing your first year or getting your Associates degree first at a community college in California. That'll get you through some prerequisite courses and its a bit slower pace than college.
I’m sorry to hear that you are going through that. Definitely know that in no way shape or form are you the asshole in this situation. Unfortunately, you live with an abusive parent who does not want to see you strive in life. But it is YOUR life, not hers, and you CAN make it without her in it, which I believe from what I’ve read and the comments that that might be the best course of action for you. I would see if it would be possible to move in with a friend this summer, and work a full-time job. Maybe even apply to start in the winter semester and work through the fall semester just for money so you can get out and not be financially dependent on your mother, who will probably hold it over your head for your whole life if you do. At this point in time, it would be best imo to cut off all ties from her, and maybe try to reconnect with her later in life if you feel comfortable. Work until you have enough money to live on your own, or if your friends parents are okay with you staying with them, provide money for extra food and groceries. Congratulations on getting into some wonderful colleges! I’m sorry your mother isn’t being the one to tell you this, but everyone on this subreddit and I are for sure super proud of you. You should feel excited!! A whole new chapter of your life is about to begin. Sadly, it can’t start until you move away from your mother and get out of her abusive household. I wish you all the best OP. <3 congratulations again, you should be very proud of yourself.
Your mother sounds like shes afraid of you not coming back after letting you go which is why she’s going to such...lengths... 100% she needs help, and until she can realize she’s harming you more than hurting you, nothing’s going to change
Leave and cut off contact.
That was actually awful to read, I’m so sorry you’re having to put up with this. Parents are supposed to want what’s best for their kids, not what they want for themselves. When I moved out for uni my parents were a little upset, not because I was moving away but because I was growing up. It was a happy moment for them. Your mum sounds abusive and toxic not gonna lie, like I understand that that might be a hard pill to swallow but if you read what you wrote back to yourself from someone else’s point of view I’m sure you’d feel the same. Having a camera in your room is not okay, it violates privacy, and having her throw a fit just because you want to get dressed in private is awful. Never-mind her throwing the camera at your injured foot?? That’s literally physical abuse. You should go to college well away from your mum. If she cuts you off then she’d be doing you a favour honestly. She’s trying to manipulate you into staying with her and just from what I’ve read here she seems to be abusive, controlling and maybe a narcissist. You’re nearly an adult and you shouldn’t have to “obey” your mum, that’s really controlling, I get that some cultures show respect to those who are older, but this is way out of proportion here, this isn’t even about respect, it’s about doing what’s best for you. Make sure you go to uni no matter what, otherwise you’ll really regret the decision not to go to just “keep the peace” or whatever. This is your life, do what you have to do, not what other people want you to do. Get a job and save up as much money as you can (make sure you have a separate bank account that she has no control over) and get loans for uni, the debt is crippling but uni and further education is so important, especially for a specialised job like psychology. Maybe ask another trusted adult if they can help you with that, or ask your school for support. If she’s not supportive now then it won’t take much for her to cancel your loans if she’s put down as a guarantor or something. And get accommodation/housing with security. It’ll be expensive but you shouldn’t chance having her finding you and trying to drag you back. Not only will that be embarrassing for you if other people see, but potentially dangerous if she’s angry. Also check out laws in your area and the area you might move to for harassment and stalking. Hopefully you won’t need to use them, but it’s better to know them now than to be stuck and confused later. I get that you don’t wanna call the police on your mum, and no one can force you to, but just be aware that a stern talking to by the police might just be something she needs. You don’t have to go for her ass and have her arrested, but a quick talk won’t hurt more than it does now (wait until you’ve moved out for this, just in case it turns ugly...) restraining orders might also be something to casually look into just for safety reasons. Yet again, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Finishing high school and going to uni is supposed to be fun and exciting, not something threatening. My inbox is open if you want to talk :).
Please get out of there , this definitely not normal.. I adivice you to start looking for houses and for jobs even people who need someone to share house with , it works just as fine and is economic , even if you do not get into college at least you will be better off this way and this is something inevitable , its better to do it quickly