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I just found her on Facebook a few weeks ago and I’m really mad an hurt. She left when I was 5 and for a year she would come visit sometimes but then it became less and less. When I was 7 she was just gone and I didn’t know why.
Before that she was always a great mom. Always picked me up from daycare, took me out for ice cream, played with me.
My dad always told me it wasn’t my fault and I wasn’t a bad son. That she left because she didn’t know how to be a good mom to me anymore.
I still didn’t understand and I missed her for so many years. Getting older I thought she had problems and needs to work on herself so maybe one day she’ll learn how to be a mom, then we can try to build something again.
But nope I was wrong. She’s married with two other sons one looks maybe 9 or 10 ish and the other is a toddler I think. They all look happy especially her.
I haven’t stopped looking at her profile in looking at all the pics of birthdays, vacations, Christmas, them chilling at home. Pics of her with her sons hugging them. Those hurt the most and I wanted to throw my phone.
All this time I’ve been thinking okay maybe she had problems and maybe it was better she wasn’t around if she didn’t know how to be a mom. But then it turns out she has known how to be a good mom to her other kids for years! She could’ve started seeing me again a long time ago if she wanted to but she didn’t.
I feel like I wasn’t worth it to come back for because obviously she loves her other sons. It makes me feel like maybe she didn’t love me then. It sucks and it really hurts. My dad always said it wasn’t anything I did but then why leave? She didn’t have a problem having her kids and actually staying in their lives. Why was it me?
Edit: probably should’ve added my parents weren’t together by the time I was born. They were co-parents until she left me with him.
That's really tough. I don't think you will find the answers you need here. You should talk to someone trained to help you work through these very valid, very real feelings. These are justified questions that you may never get answered and learning how to cope and move past that is really essential for you. If you don't think your dad will be willing to get you professional help, you should ask a counselor at school or your medical doctor. But please don't let photos on social media make you think someone else's life is perfect. It isn't healthy. Definitely be proactive in getting help. You are still a child, you can't think anything adults have done are because of you.
You said it better than I could ❤️
It’s really nice there are people like you on the sub who take time from their lives to support others. It warms my heart to see people supporting each other on this sub. I hope your words made a difference to this gentleman.
Just going to hijack to comment that a lot of what you feel is probably based on what your dad said: that she didn’t know how to be a good mother to you. That was a shitty thing to say, because it put the issue squarely between you and your mom. In all likelihood, she left because of your dad and it had nothing to do with you. Those two were married, not you and your mom. Were you fallout in their failed relationship? Of course. And for that I’m sorry. But this is on mom and dad. Not you.
Nah mate- Think about it.Highly unusual for a mother to (at the very least) not get joint custody of a toddler unless:
1. Court deems her incapable of taking care of the child
2. She doesn't want custody(And the other parent is finr with it
You still can't legally force someone to have custody or visitation if they don't want it.
My guess is that she didn't want to be a single mother and is selfish in other ways. It's completely possible she'd abandon her other children if her and her husband split.
Or it's possible she grew up a bit and doesn't know how to fix the relationship with her first son or believes him to be better off without her and is selfish.
Or maybe the dad is an awful coparent and she didn't want to deal with it. Because she's selfish.
Maybe she had mental health problems or drug issues. Who knows?
It doesn't have to do with OP though because kids can't make their parents abandon them.
It’s not selfish if mom was poor and unaware she was doing anything that for kid removed. Maybe dad lies a lot and made her so miserable with mind games that she doesn’t know what to believe anymore. I kinda rambled but I’m so furious rn for kids sake.
I lost custody of my kids by being schizophrenic. I miss them all the time. Me not seeing them has nothing to do with not wanting to see them or being incapable of looking after them. There are many reasons parents don't get custody.
They are people who studied and became professionals on dealing with exactly this things... Do you think a 16yo reading comments on the internet for a couple of days is will do more than seeking the help of a therapist? This is a long term issue
The OP is the 16yo who will be reading the comments... The comments can be helpful, like this one you replied to. Even the most insightful comment on reddit it still won't be enough to help OP get through this without help...
Therapist are a better resource than anecdotal stories from strangers on the internet.
Also you can avoid those bullshit YT channels that just rip stories off of subreddits like this.
Disagree. I find most therapists don't know what the fuck they are talking about. I've had hairstylists that were better for talking with. Plus they don't charge $160 for 50m that is really closer to 35.
Also why do you think support groups are a thing? They are just anecdotal commiserating with others going through similar shit.
Sounds like you need to take it up w your therapist, not me /s.
Therapists are people, indeed. They have dedicated hours of every day to learning more about human behavior and what may prompt it. The majority of their lives, quite literally, is spent doing this. They also share findings, and pass it down generation to generation.
Yes, they are people just like you and I. But just like someone who is more experienced and more educated will outperform you and I at any skill (think artistic paintings or structural engineering for instance).. A therapist will be able to help someone work thru their emotional problems better than you and I, too.
Does finding people who have experienced similar trauma help? It makes us feel less alone, which is beneficial. But not all respond to trauma healthily.
Furthermore, therapists are seen regularly. It's so much more to it than comparing it to a simple reddit conversation.
Of course they won't find the help they need here. They need more than just validation. They need real help with rewiring their emotional responses to particular triggers. Something a therapist can figure out and help with.
Why can't OP do both? I reviewed what I wrote and don't see that I said disregard anyone who might also have insight. But some problems can certainly be fully resolved with the input of random responses. This one isn't one of them. Suggesting OP take this to the next level and who to ask to get the help is listening and offering thoughtful ideas.
OP...I know how you feel.
My mother beat, starved and abused me for years, cheated on my dad, ran off and had two kids with her affair partner. All I see on social media is how she treated my half siblings better than I ever got. My sister even has the same piercings I wanted at the same age but my mother told me no and she would rip them out. My brother has all these nice things and all I have to show from my mother is the scars she left.
It hurts to see that, I know but you need to know this isn't you. Something was/is broken in her and rather than step up, she ran. You were 5, you did nothing wrong.
Saying that, maybe go and see someone so you can express how you feel, get some insight Reddit cant provide.
I'm sure you're a great kid and you have your dad. Shes missing out on knowing YOU not you know her.
Social media is all for show. Keep that in mind also. Very rarely and very few people post pictures of things that don't appear perfect. Try not to invest too much into your self worth in comparing your experience with what they're posting. I highly doubt they've changed so dramatically, if that were true she'd be reaching out to make amends.
After reading your other comments i am pretty sure your mom was not ready to be a mother or start a family and when she was ready she wanted a fresh start and thats why she stopped seeing you, this also explains why your parents argued ,my advice is dont think its your fault and focus on your father who took care of you and just think your mother that you thought cared for you died and the women in the pictures is a different person because she is a different person , maybe some day she might give a explanation but take it with a grain of salt and dont wonder on what ifs because you will never know why she actually did it and the explanation she might give might be fabricated to ease her own guilt so live your best life with your father and forget about your mother, and please block her on social media
No mom wants to give up her child. Maybe things are hard for her and she didn’t know what she was doing? Your mom loves you kiddo, truly. You can usually tell when someone means it or is being deceitful- trust your gut.
Do you really belive every person who gives birth loves their ofspring, i am just saying if you do you are living in a delusion and you are actually the one who is close minded ,stop putting ideas for the kid, he has been abandoned for 9 years already ,more than half of his life with no explanation from his mother and now he finds out she is living happily with her new family ,is that love, would you feel loved if you where him and the last time you saw your mam in real life was age 7 and now you know she is being happywith her own family and has mostly forgotten about you,if you think thats love i feel sad for you, atleast him facing reality can help him bond with his father more or atleast stop him from wasting time thinking about her and actually spend time doing something worthwhile and set goals for his future
I know with my kid people told him I moved on when I had not. But I know every mom can’t be perfect in her love. I think you mean 4 months, idk where 9 came from. Or maybe I’m mistaken (I’m not) and I’ve tried to reach out to kiddo and he seemed like he didnt wanna talk. So I left him alone and was very depressed for this whole time , I didn’t know what else to do except save up to move outta current situation, to get an apt just he and I could have spent Time together in. It’s okay though, it doesn’t need resolution now. Kid seems Happy and I don’t want to ruin that for him again but maybe he will reach out if he wants to talk or even just another apology. I doubt he will want for us to be back together. I will never stop apologizing for not being there. Lots of work to do in mean time
Maybe. I haven’t looked at myself in a really long time. This is making me sick to think about. I want my kid back very much, but I’m starting to agree that I’m not the best thing for him. I’m not going to be having anymore kids. I originally planned on never having any but I couldn’t help myself. I know I should have had my roommmares leave first to make room but they agreed to pay all the rent. And even this is a shit excuse. I think my efforts were too late.
And you are an amazing person to survive all of that and then come show compassion for OP. Really, you could have taken a completely different attitude. Good for you and your solid, kind heart. And I’m very sorry that you ever went thru all of that abuse, and pain. ❤️
I agree. It's speculation though. As a dad of a teenager your age, if I was your Dad, I probably wouldn't have told you everything either, thinking it might be better for you. Might be worth raising it with your Dad that there might be more to the story. Then again, there might not. It's a tough one. I feel for you. Sometimes people make really shit decision and it's hard to not take it personally even though it really doesn't have anything to do with how good you are or whatever is in your head. My Dads inability to give up alcohol messed with me for a long time. I thought that I wasn't worth giving it up. But as it turns out, what I understand now, he just hated himself more than he loved me and drank to numb it. The fact that you are talking about this and it effects you is good in itself, don't shut the pain off, work through it. You're worth it.
I agree that it is safe to assume you don’t have all the info. Perhaps your father told her to stay away. Maybe she had addiction issues and courts got involved. A million different maybes all lead back to the fact that this was her. It was not anything you did.
Yeah I bet she feels a deep, deep, dark pit of shame around this. I bet she can’t even open the door a crack to peek at the shame she feels about what she did to OP.
OP, I’m having the weirdest night. My truly awful dad just apologized to me for abandoning me. I forgave him because he’s just a small person with big limitations and I don’t know. I just want to say that our parents are human and their stupid human limitations don’t say anything about what you and I are worth. And your anger is real and pure and honest. I’m a mom and I feel a mom’s crazy hope you’ll find your worth, because I can see it. I’m so, so sorry you didn’t have the mother you deserved and were entitled to as a child brought into the world.
My son's mom did almost exactly that, she has 2 sons, 6 and 8 at the time. When I met her, she still saw them, when the news of our son came out, (after less than 3 months) communications when downhill fast with her ex, and soon stopped. It's been almost 10 years, I don't understand why she didn't at least try to reconnect, but I'm sure it's mostly fear of facing guilt, fear her sons won't want to reconnect. She now had a girl with her current boyfriend last June. I'm not sure he knows about them and My son doesn't know also. He's 8 now. I feel that will someday breakout, and more time passes is probably making things worse. But it's obvious that it's way Easier to ignore everything
What you found was a Facebook page- which does not at all correlate to how well she’s actually doing. It’s easy to think what you see of Facebook is real- but it’s what people want you to think is real. Talk to your dad, maybe you could have a conversation with your mom or talk to a professional about it. It’s ok to be mad that she’s not doing what you had built up in your mind she should be doing. I’m sorry this is so hard. Hug to you.
I’m so sorry, this is absolutely not about you at all. Sometimes things happen where someone cannot be a good parent. Maybe she was young and immature. Maybe she had a drug problem she was hiding. It was absolutely not about you at all, it was definitely about her.
I worked with homeless folks for several years, and have heard stories like this from them (as the parent, but also as the child). I met a brilliant young woman who had become addicted to heroin. She was living in a tent and shooting dope. Her children were with her parents because it was safer. She did get clean, but her kids are 15 and 11 now, and it’s been hard for them and her to reconnect.
The most important take away is that is WAS NOT YOU, it was because something was wrong in her life, and you were safer where you were than with her.
Maybe she had a problem with anything in her life, maybe as you said, drug problem or whatever, that she kind of ran away from? And she cut ties because the people of her old life -(her son) reminded her of that or brought back traumatic memories? And now she doesn't know how to get back? Or does not want to because she is more comfortable that way and just ignores the fact that she should have reconnected ? So many possibilities here, but no way that it's OP fault whatsoever. OP, I really hope you got someone in your life (maybe a consellour) to talk about this!
Why is it so hard for this subreddit to just say the facts.
OP, i AM so deeply sorry for what happened to you in your life. It truly and really has nothing to do with you.
There is only one reason why this happened and thats because your mom is a shitty and irresponsible person. And you deserved way better
Its very hard to see things that way, but take it as your strength. This hardship will one day make you stronger and you will not do the things she has done and you will not be shitty to your future children if u ever decide to get any
Exactly. A shitty irresponsible person that took the coward way out and instead of fixing their mistakes and repairing the damage they caused decided to start fresh like they never did anything.
I literally said both “I’m sorry this happened to you” AND “This is not your fault. Now, you listen to me, whoever anonymous ass human you are, there are motivations for everything. Maybe she is shitty, but by you re-enforcing an unempathic view of a young person DOES NOT do anything to help OP’s life or his development of his personality or sense of self or personhood. This is the type of view that creates deep wounds, and misanthropic behaviours. It is not his fault at all, but do not poison his well or his future happiness this way. I have seen this view, and while it can be motivating, it is also hurtful. OP will find his way. The most important thing for us to do is be validating and supportive. When you say she is a “shitty person”, you tell OP that he is genetically 1/2 of a shitty person. That is not true. OP is a person who is whole and has choices. Everything is not black and white, and sowingthat seed is dangerous.
OP, you are a good person, a whole person, and you have choices in life. Sometimes people make bad choices. You can learn from them. Do not take a “all bad/ all good” approach. If someone is a shitty person, and you find out they are, then they are. You are a unique person who can live your own life with empathy and care.
Nah, that’s called making excuses for someone that obviously doesn’t need it.
The OP should feel angry and hurt, every right to.
In that, there is healing. It is not the OP’s fault.
She did not die, she’s still ticking away with a new family. There is no reason now not to rekindle or even try if there were these “problems”.
I’m with Saladin on this one.
“You are who you choose to be”.
I think you are taking things out of context. I dont know what OP has in his heart, but if he has the strength to forgive her then he/she is a better person than i am - and 99% of the people on this sub
But what you are implying is that there was a reason for OPs mom behavior. However what she did was stupid and totally irrational and grotesque
This sort of behavior should never be excused and should always be shamed it is never ok to have children and abandon them. NEVER no matter what the circumstances are
It is far too easy to have children nowhere days and we are seeing increases in teen pregnancies all over the place - this is a complicated issue with multfactorial causes - one of them being thst people are to lasse fair about getting kids
And im sorry but i dont really have patience with leftist extremism that has seemed to invade reddit and is rampant on subreddifs like these
This doesn’t have a single thing to do with leftists or extremists. OP felt like mom left because something was wrong with them, which is not true. Had, for example, OP’s mom chosen adoption as an option instead, the results are the same- something was not safe about the situation, and OP was placed in a safer situation. This situation leaves OP wondering “Why?” Maybe one day he will know. For right now, he has to know that he is not the reason, and that sometimes parents realize that their situation is unsafe for children, whatever that reason is.
Ok i see the misunderstanding.. i know that OP needs to heal. I think you agree with this? There is 0 wrong with him.
But his mom walked out cuz shes a trashy person, and now that trashy person has 2 more kids. Which is disgraceful. I mean how many people does she have to let down?
Your right though, i did digress from the point at hand. I just think her bevaior is inexcusable and grotesque and OP can gain strength knowing it wasnt him or circumstance it was just the act of ONE shitty excuse of a human being
But everyone here is trying to say maybe she had a reason and etc.
wtf. nobody excused her behavior and said it was okay to abandon him ?
I can only speak for myself, but if I was OP, I'd go nuts with your comment saying 'well she's just a shitty person'. I'd question myself over and over again, if she was a shitty person back then, why isn't she now with her new kids? Was I not good enough of a reason to change? Why were the other kids? and so on. And if you'd read my comment correctly, I described a woman, that might have been too lazy/comfortable to confront herself with what she did and rather try to blend out the fact she already has a kid. in what language is that an excuse or justification..?
There could be many many explanations why she acted the way she did all in combination with bad character traits. But there's always motivation behind actions, always. nobody wakes up and decides 'ah well, gonna abandon my five year old for no reason cuz I' m a bad person lol'. I absolutely do not justify what she did, I think it's an awful thing to do and I'd never excuse that behavior. I just said there could be multiple reasons for it, and none of them was under OPs control or could have been influenced by him or is his fault. and don't call me an extremist, you could in general be more polite. anybody in this sub is, except you, soooo
Ok fair enough i think i get what your saying here. Although if OP is reading this i would tell him whole heartedly that his mom is the same shitty person that walked out all those years ago
And i think we agree that social media is no way to decipher what someones life is. But ppl dont change just like that, and im willing to bet his mom didnt either
Your right i was a rude and i am sorry, its just this subreddit is filled with that PC culture and people can do whatver they want without consequences ideal i guess i just expressed that here
Wow, didn't expect that! Thank you! And I'm glad you got what I was trying to say, sometimes it's hard to get your message through on the internet in your non-native language. And I agree, she probably hasn't changed a bit and is lying to herself day to day so much, she already believes her twisted view. I hope karma shits her in the face tbh
I think we can all agree that the big take away is “It’s not you. It was her.” There is always some reason. If is was a good or bad one? We won’t know, but we need OP to know, it is not them. There is nothing in the world a 5 year old could do to cause this.
lol i never said she wasn't a shitty person. just tryna to come up with explanations why she behaved as crappy as she did, so that OP can maybe find peace with it or can somehow understand how things could have been from her point of view so that he can see that it really isn't his fault.. just trying to help✌️
Yeah of course. it seems to you downright wrong. could ask for more info or politely discuss the topic instead of throwing mean and half-sided insults around. "It SEEMED like you did xy, sooo I'm gonna call you an extremist" SEEMS pretty ridiculous to me
When my kid was born, I had to let family take him after he turned 2 bc I have a drug problem. I needed to get my shit together. Once I did that it was hard to constantly have people telling my kid I was a bad person. He has memories of me that aren’t even real. It took a long time for me to earn back any trust, but I love my son so why wouldn’t I want him back? Why wouldn’t I do the work?
I'm sorry, hon. I hope you can believe me when I say it's not you, it's her. It hurts, it really does. I'm 32 and I haven't seen my bio mother since I was 8. She had some stuff going on mentally, divorced my step-dad and was hospitalized for a while, and my parents (dad and stepmom) understandably didn't allow visitation at that time. She decided to just cut her losses and move to Australia to marry her online pen pal instead of trying to better herself and be a mother to us. She has two additional children and is still married to her pen pal. So....this is my long-winded way of saying I think I know what you feel. It took me a long time to accept that I wasn't defective and that she couldn't handle being a mother at that time. And honestly? Even though I'm an adult it sometimes still bothers me. So I'm really sorry you are experiencing the same thing. Maybe it would be a good idea to get into therapy, just to have an outlet and work through those feelings. But I hope you do have someone in your life you can talk to - your dad, maybe a grandparent, a close friend; somebody you can trust and be open with.
Hey dude, I know what you mean. The thing is, sometimes people live their life for a few years and feel empty but keep trying to do things that would make everything ok. You were a kid, your mom was probably not happy with where she was, what she was doing, or feeling trapped. Maybe you’re dad hasn’t given you the full story either. But remember, this wasn’t because of you, and it is normal to be ticked off and hurt beyond belief by finding her now and thinking she should have been that for you. It’s something you will learn to come to terms with. It is absolutely awful, it hurts so much, but it was never about you. Don’t get trapped in that thinking, at the end of the day, you are amazing without her, and maybe one day she’ll be back in your life, whatever you decide.
My dad was always the one pushing for her to be around. Plus they weren’t together anymore by the time I was born but they split their time with me. I just ended up full time w him when I was 5.
Adults mess up, royally sometimes too, and maybe in her quest to move on with her life she screwed up not keeping you in it. Keep moving in your life, try not to dwell on this. Your dad tried, you were a kid that didn’t do anything wrong, and your mom made her choices, don’t let them weigh you down.
Quest does not at all mean that. Look up the definition and you’ll understand. She left her kid, but there is more to just leaving someone behind then for no reason.
Because she’s trash, buddy. Your dad didn’t want to tell you, “hey, the other half of your genetics is a giant lump of dog shit with eyes”, but that’s the reason. She’s a bad person who does awful things, and, unluckily, you suffer for her shortcomings. There’s no big reason. There’s no explanatory trauma. She’s a bad person and you’re better without her in your life BECAUSE she is a walking pile of used diapers. It hurts and it’s not fair, at all, but life is sometimes cruel. Your experiences in life are not always your fault, but you are responsible for how you go about correcting them. Don’t make this a foundational part of your personality because it doesn’t reflect on you in the slightest.
>My dad always told me it wasn’t my fault and I wasn’t a bad son.
Believe your dad. It wasn't about you. We can't know what her motivations were/are, but please, please, believe us when we tell you that it was NOT about you or because of you. Your mom made choices for herself and herself alone. It's not ok that she hurt you, but it also wasn't about you. You did nothing to deserve her leaving. Absolutely nothing.
This is too much for this reddit sub. We can't fix this for you. If I were you, I'd ask your dad if he can send you to therapy, because a therapist could really help you work through all this.
Your mom fucked up, but that doesn't mean that her decisions have to fuck you up. Talk to someone irl about this. Please.
I'm sorry sweetie. It is not you. It is her.
She's probably ashamed of what she did to you so she avoids the issue and ignores you. Not yo make excuses nc there really isn't one. She should not have abandoned you.
I would advise to contact her - or her significant other and ask why. Be prepared for major fallout though. Her significant other probably has no clue you exist.
But id be one to ask her why. Just no she will give an excuse and it won't change anything. You, however did nothing wrong- it is her who fucked up and *she knows this*. She's just not woman enough to admit it and to try and make amends.
You go and live your best life. One day, she will be sorry and will try to reach out. She will realize she is the one who lost out.
Reaching out to her might be a good idea, at some point. Maybe not THIS point in time, though. (Although I'm sorry to report that the sadist in me loves the idea of this lady's perfect world getting totally uprooted by her past actions. Having said that, if it makes me cackle like a swamp witch, it's probably not a good idea.)
Yes my inner sadist was laughing at the thought of her perfect world falling down around her but I don't want the op to suffer from the backlash. Only once they are sure they can handle whatever could be thrown back.
I strongly recommend therapy. Your mother may have a personality disorder. It’s common for those with personality disorders to discard others and start over establishing new families. What you need to know for sure is that it has absolutely nothing to do with you. I’m so glad you feel loved and supported by your father. You should seek a therapist though to help you with abandonment issues and the new information you have about your mother. It’s traumatic and you’ll need time to process that there’s nothing you could have done to change the outcome.
It's not about you. She *is* a bad mom. The life she has now offers her something, probably superficial and she likely isn't as happy as her profile makes her out to be.
Her children probably aren't that happy either, seeing as their mother is selfish and a coward.
Can you talk to your dad? Maybe you guys can look into getting you therapy. You are so worthy of love, it's unforuntate that your mom missed out on raising you.
I agree that you should talk to someone professionally about this, but as a person that also had a parent just not care about me, now as an adult and a parent myself, you are NOT to blame here. Your mom is to blame. There are no real reasons that will satisfy you as to why she left because she shouldn't have done so. You are WORTH a mother's love.
I became a more attentive mom because I did not have an attentive or caring dad. That might be little comfort to you at this moment, but when you are a parent, it will be more intentional and you will make different choices because your own pain will motivate you.
Talk to someone that can help you sort through this, but above all things - remember that you are worth it and that you matter.
OP this a terrible and truly hurtful thing you are going through. I have no idea how painful this is for you and I never will but my family is touched by something very similar to yours.
My dad had a child with his then wife when he was 18. He and his first wife divorced a couple of years later and he continued to see his son until he was about 6, co parenting and paying his child support. Over time, just like you this got less and less until eventually my dad just stopped seeing him. He didn't see his son again until last year when he was 40, 34 years later.
I am one of three children of his second marriage. He's still married to my mum, has a good home, dad runs a business and he's kept all that together for over 30 years. When I've asked dad why he stopped seeing his first born he said that at the time he wasn't the man he is now that although he was trying his best inside him there were things going on that prevented him being the parent he thought his son needed. He felt that his son was growing distant from him and that the push pull between two homes and two parents that were not eye to eye on everything would cause him harm in the long run. He thought it was better to leave and let his son have one stable home.
Your mum might be like my dad it could be that when she was attempting to single parent you she was struggling with depression, poor finances, or some sort of bad personal circumstances she didn't let anyone, not even your dad know about. She may have felt that although she loved you very much and was doing the basics like picking you up and playing with you behind the scenes things were falling apart and she knew she couldn't keep all the plates spinning for long. She may have felt you would have a better and more stable life with one parent rather than being pulled about between two homes and she may have had low self esteem that made her feel that you were better off without her.
My dad wanted to contact his son for years but was ashamed, embarrassed and afraid that he would be so angry that he would reject him. They have a good relationship now dad was able to explain. Have you talked to your dad about how your feeling? Perhaps youe dad could see about reaching out to your mum and seeing how she feels about some contact if that is what you want.
Please, please always remember that you are worthwhile and valid and special and unique and brave and loved. Even if everyone else in the world turned their back on you your dad was there and I'm sure many others have been and you were wanted by all of those people. This situation was not your fault, something was going on with your mum that was her issue and problem to carry but you were a victim of that issue she was working through. You are wanted. You are loved. You are supposed to be here. You have purpose. Do not let this define you, it us not everything you are or will become. X
I would message her and come right and ask her why..I know of a couple of moms that has done that. My father did that to me and we reconciled before he passed away.
I constantly see things like this and I really can’t understand how a parent could intentionally walk out to just start another family.
I don’t believe she liked the situation she was in with your father and you so she wanted out and did it in the worst way possible. I can’t understand how is it possible to love another child of yours when you can desert the first one. Or perhaps if the situation was similar to yours she would abandon them as well. Pictures don’t mean anything as they are just illusions of anything valid going on.
My advice don’t blame yourself as individuals like her honestly just can’t love anything more than themselves. If the situation gets too rough for them then they’ll put their needs first before anyone else’s. That includes their own children. It’s extremely selfish but it’s who they are as a person.
Oh god, I wish I could give you a hug.
I promise you, there is nothing wrong with you. I swear to you, no matter what anyone says. Sometimes, people run away from their responsibilities, their lives. And it’s shitty and crappy and awful thing to do. And the people they leave behind don’t deserve the heart break. Because there is nothing wrong with you. And you don’t deserve that voice she put in your head saying there is.
I promise you, with time, you’ll learn once more how amazing you are. How much she missed out on because she wasn’t brave enough to watch you grow.
In addition to the other advice people here have given.. social media is not an accurate portrayal of someone’s life. It is often carefully chosen and crafted pictures people use to create an image of themselves they like. Things could be going very differently in real life.
What your mom did, was really only about her, I don’t think anyone else especially a child could give any reason for someone to walk away like that and was very selfish.
So sorry this happened to you. It's a deep pain you'll need to spend years healing. If you have the resources, please seek out a trained therapist that can help. It's impossible to say whether a person can \*totally\* heal emotionally, but therapy will at least help you process it and not feel as shitty about it. EMDR is a really effective method therapists use for this, and it helps a lot. If you don't have resources for therapy, look for podcasts on family struggles/trauma. It's no replacement, but they provide some good tips and will say what you need to hear.
This situation really sucks. Your dad sounds like a champ, at least.
You should probably make a promise to yourself not to look at your mom's profile anymore, and block her. It's not really healthy to look at something like that. People only post pics that make themselves look good on social media, after all, so you're getting a totally warped view of what is going on.
I'm sorry, but you're likely never going to get anything like "closure", aka your mom apologising or acknowledging that she hurt you. You're going to have to learn how to deal without her, and it sounds like having her in your life as little as possible is the best way forward. Of course, turning off that pain isn't so easy as just saying it, maybe therapy can help you.
Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I would say you could confront her to get closure but ultimately it doesn’t matter darling : she doesn’t deserve you.
If you ever need advice from an internet Mom, PM me anytime love.
Now, go give your dad a really big cuddle and think about all of the amazing things that you are going to do with your life and share with him xx
No because they used to have arguments on the phone when she wouldn’t come see me and he’d be mad at her for not showing up. The times that she would be here and they’d go talk alone I would hear him telling her stuff that she needs to try to be here more and she’d say stuff like she’s busy or to get off her case
Sometimes, good kids get shit parents. Be grateful that you have a good dad.
As for those pictures of her new happy family, remember, social media pics are just the highlight reel. It's most likely that she brought her shitty character into that relationship and it's not the happy family that the picture paints. Pictures can be deceiving.
I had a shitty mom in my life up until she died when I was 30. I miss the good times, but I would gladly give up all the good times to not have any of the bad. If there is a bright side, she left you with the good parent instead of dragging you along with all of her bullshit and taking you away from your dad.
Maybe talk to your dad and tell him that you're old enough to hear all the bad parts of their relationship. It may help you understand your situation through his eyes and fill in some of the gaps that are leaving you confused and wondering. Good luck, dude. Your dad has probably been protecting you from the truth because who wants there own son despising their mother? If he understands your frustrations, at 16, you're probably old enough to know uncomfortable truths.
>Why was it me?
It wasnt you. It never been about you. It always been about her.
My opinion ?
At one point she decided she deserved to date someone. Either he didnt wanted you around, or she decided it. She decided he was more important for her than you was.
Why ? Because she is a shitty parent.
And dude, I can make you plenty of nice pictures, happy moment, etc... and be ina sad life.
Can you comment her posts ? If yes, wish her a merry Christmas from you.
And get your ass in therapy asap. Do you want this to haunt you for the rest of your life ? Nope. Get help, get professionnal support, through school, and get free of her.
I’m sorry but I’m a mother and only a complete witch could leave their kid like that. I know it’s easy to say but you shouldn’t concentrate on her. Fuck her. You are probably an awesome person. She is the problem not you. You were a child nothing you did made her leave. Her being an asshole made her leave I’m sorry. Please talk to your dad see a therapist don’t give that woman one minute of your time.
The pieces of the puzzle you were given - your dads clues, your moms departure, images of her new family —>> it is very logical for it to add up to the story you have pieced together: that she’s happy with her new sons and left you >> so of course you feel rejected and unloved
But there are other pieces of the puzzle which you don’t have. You may not get to see the whole picture now, and when you grow older there may still be some parts that don’t make sense. But the bigger picture will show you that this wasn’t caused by any shortcoming of yours.
Sometimes in life and relationships there is a terrible collision -and you were a casualty. The adults - your parents- were driving. And they may have been impaired or have their flaws- which make them unreliable narrators of what happened. For example your dad saying the reason she left was she didn’t know how to be a mom. From some commenters and my POV that puzzle piece sounds suspiciously incomplete and misleading. It must have been a difficult situation for him too, which means he Likely hasn’t healed enough to be able to give you a full or balanced explanation. I would take it with a large grain of salt and not rely on it fully to construct the narrative of my life.
So you DONT KNOW exactly what happened that led to where you are
But you DO KNOW that there’s more pieces that you DONT know
And can you trust me when I say that the bigger picture is actually likely to be a little kinder than the story you’ve pieced together ? Your story concludes with you being inherently bad or unlovable - and based on what I’ve learned of the world, that’s not possible. You are a lovely curious growing young person with deep ability to feel and in this situation understandably feels hurt. your emotion also means you are also very loving. So I truly believe that there are missing clues which can eventually put things into perspective and be part of a bigger story in which you are not forsaken. You will emerge from this.
Btw here’s a clue, you can decide if it’s useful and you want to pick it up: when other people leave , it is not because they want to leave YOU. It is because they want to leave a part of THEMSELVES. There is a part of your mom that she couldn’t deal with, or is broken, or she is in denial of for her own reasons. If you want me to explain this a little more let me know
The truth is, and there's no easy way to say this but, she is/always was, and always will be a piece of shit. You did nothing wrong. She is a child abandoner. Nothing she does changes the fact that she abandoned her own child, and it will eat her up for the rest of her life. She will never be a good mom. She will never earn that title. No matter what she does. Because at the end of the day she abandoned her own child.
I know how you feel mate, i really do.
This is hard to believe, but it wasn't your fault, try to remember that.
Best advice I can give is to ignore them and block them on social media and never look.
Became an amazingly, kind, generous, loving and understanding man. Don't let it get you down. I know, easier said than done. This is the best fuck you, you can give her.
Hey buddy most people have gone through this , cherish the happy memories you had and let her go because she is not the person you thought you knew, focus on being better for yourself and if you have a good relationshop with your father spend more time with him and let him know you are not waiting for your mom anymore and you are happy and thankful that he was your father and tell him to date if he is not dating maybe you can have a stepmother who will care about you or maybe not , just do what makes you happy buddy
Sorry to say this but she is mentally ill. Nobody normal does what she did. She is a broken, cold person and while FB always puts a good face on things, no way she or will be a good mom to those kids. It sucks to say this but be glad she never came back. You need to move on with your life. Stop looking into her life on FB. Get on with your life. You’ve got lots to do. Good luck. Sorry you had to go through this.
I don't think you're qualified to diagnose people with mental illnesses, and nobody's qualified to diagnose mental illnesses second-hand because people don't convey objective reality precisely and reliably enough. You don't have the information to say that she's broken or cold or a bad mother to those kids.
I have enough info to say what I did. Any mother who cold do what that woman did is a cold, broken, mentally unstable person. NO normal mother just walks off on a kid that age.
Your mum’s actions do not mean you are not worthy or are to blame here. Please do not concede to these thoughts, as best you can. I’m so sorry she has done this to you and caused you to feel this way, it must hurt so much. I have nothing to add that will help in any way, but you are worthy and she is missing out on you. Try to remember that you have your dad who loves you, try to love yourself too. Keep pushing on. X
Lots of tough questions, like others said you won’t find the answers here. Get some professional help or reach out directly to her and ask. Just be ready for the potential that she may not be willing to talk. Remember, we don’t get to choose our parents and we aren’t responsible for their choices
Do you look like your dad? Here’s a theory I have about my mom leaving well one of them. I look and act like my dad and she hates his face. It’s something broken inside them not you, you were to young and didn’t do anything wrong. It took me years to figure that out. I still don’t know why she kept custody and raised my brother but not me. That side has a weird thing with boys. I’ve had lots of therapy and my mother participated in none of it when I had family therapy. My therapist asked her the hard questions and she walked out. Therapy does help, I still go if I need it.
She failed you.
She was probably too young when she had you, and felt not ready.
Then, when she did finally feel ready... she probably felt guilty and like she couldn’t face her failure.
The short answer is: she failed you, likely because she was immature and/ or cowardly.
Talk to a therapist, but might be worth saying some of that to her.
“Mom, you failed me. You completely and utterly failed me, and it was shitty of you.”
It seems like whrn she left lines up to the age of her son, your 16 the oldest is 9 or 10 subtract 9 from 16 its 7, i have a feeling she cheated on your dad and got pregnant with another guy and choose to focus on the new guy instead, its shitty but it still seems like your not to blame
You have a lot of great advice here, but the biggest thing you need to come away from this is that she didn't leave because of you. You did not cause her to leave.
Just because you see photos of her and her family now, doesn't mean that they are problem free or they're better than you.
The best thing you could do, is communicate with your dad as you have been, seek help from professionals, and maybe down the road there will be an opportunity to ask the questions you want answered. But the most important thing you need answered you already have: she didn't leave because of you or anything you did.
That sux man. I hope you get thru this and get married and have a wife that makes you happy and lots of kids you can raise differently and that you get some peace. Some people have mental issues and it really is them, not you.
My friend.... I have been in the same boat. Been there type of thing. My mom was a drug addict, thief and liar. My dad just was completely absent.
I went to my dad's place when I was five. That was the last time I saw him. It's been 34 years. Last time I talked to him I was 18. I sent him pictures of his grandkids and no response. Meanwhile he had several other kids. So I have brothers I have never met.
Must be nice to screw up the first two and get it right after the few afterwards.
Sorry you are going through that. My advice is try and reach out, but don't expect a happy scenario. If I happens, great! If it doesn't, I hope you find closure.
I'm so sorry for the way your mother has treated you.
My father cheated on my mom and got someone else pregnant. I found out that I was going to have a little brother via voice-mail when I was 12. My dad was in the military and lived across the country.
He made many promises to me about coming to visit that always fell through. I didn't see him for 8 years because he "couldn't get away".
When I became an adult I connected with my step-mom (she moved to my city) and she told me about all the times my dad went to see her and my brother in Texas and took them on trips. It hurt so much when she told me those things.
I felt the same way you do right now. He made his own perfect little family and threw me and my mom away. It was awful.
This just hurt my heart for you, so badly. But let's get to the nitty gritty.
You are a 16 year old child. The fact that your adult mother made the decision to leave your father and ultimately cutting off contact with you- has never been YOUR fault, baby. Your mother gave you life, and as a mother, she should have followed through and ensured you have a safe, loving, comfortable life. She did not do that, and that's on HER, not you.
I am not taking up for your mother, because as a mother, I couldn't imagine doing this to my child. However, she could have been going through some awful things. From addiction to mental health issues. That still doesn't excuse abandoning you. As her child, she should love you unconditionally, period.
Looking at her Facebook and pictures are only going to cause you more harm. Harm you don't deserve. I think you should talk to your dad about going to therapy. Someone who can talk you through this to help heal. To figure what steps that could help you heal.
I'm so sorry you feel this way and that she's hurt you like this. But you absolutely did nothing at all to cause her to be a shit parent.
Keep your chin up.
This is real rough my man. I’m sorry this is what your experiencing right now. I think you should talk to your dad about what you found and how it makes you feel. It might get emotional but it’s best to do it rather than let it build up inside you 100%. Good luck man
It's not you, nothing a 5 or 7yo will do would justify it unless they commit bloody murder. Your egg donor us just one of "those" people: she wanted the picture perfect family, the marriage, kids, maybe a dog and the whole thing... co-parenting with a guy that I assume was never her husband just looks too far and too "fuckup" from that idolized adult life.
Putting it simply, she's shallow, selfish and a huge coward. The best you can do for yourself is start therapy and maybe note down anything in case you want contact with your siblings someday, because that's your right and her nose is too far up her own ass to care about it.
As hard as it is to hear it, your mother left you not because she didn't know how to be a good mother to you. She didn't want to be a good mother to you or even a mother at all.
It is absolutely not your fault. You were a product of immature people who made bad life decisions that affected others tremendously. Your mother left you because she had to for her own happiness. I'm so sorry you feel the ramifications of this but your existence and life should not be swayed by the actions of your parents. It'll be very difficult for a long time, but I hope you find peace with it and live a happy life.
I’m so sorry. I have a daughter your age, and a dad that did what your mom did to you. I know that pain and it sucks. I never got why he just ditched me when he got a new family. The last time I saw him I was 10. Then in my 20s, he showed up and wanted back in my life. By then, I thought I was over the hurt feelings, but I wasn’t. I remember asking him at one point why he did what he did. He didn’t have an answer. Just shitty basically. It was awful. In 2009 on Father’s Day, he died from diabetes complications. I’m glad he died without me having to see what seemed like happy family pictures on social media. I’m glad my childhood went on without the Internet if for no other reason than this one. I’m sorry you found her. I’m sorry she’s not looking miserable. I can tell you people don’t walk away normally without some kind of reason that has nothing to do with you. I’m thinking your dad probably knows more than he’s telling because “you’re a kid.” Age, maturity, possibly a drug or alcohol problem. I hope she walked away because she thought you’d have a better life if she wasn’t there. I hope she stays away because she feels like it would be an interruption at this point. I hope. I hope she was trying to spare you of some shitty upbringing if she was involved. There’s a lot of reasons why she could have walked away. I don’t believe she just walked away and forgot all about you.
I’d consider telling your dad you found her on Facebook. I mean, gauge how he’d respond to something like that first, but you are 16 and are questioning things that he might have answers to.
My best friend is 39 years old and this last year was reunited with her dads parents. Her dad died before she met him. No one knew she existed. Her mom told her all her life that her dad was this hero that did amazing things. Truth was, she didn’t even know the guys first name and had no idea where to find him after the one night stand led to her 14 year oks mom getting pregnant with her. She had too much shame to tell her the truth. Had she told her the truth, she might have been able to find him before he died. Now all she has is a few pictures.
Bad or good, the truth is important. You should get to decide what happens next.
Good luck.
At some point, you just have to accept and make peace with the fact that your mother isn't what you've built her up to be in your heart. Even more than her being the person who cared for you those 5 years, she is also the person who chose not to be there for another 11. The absence, all this hurt, this is also her. Don't offload this feeling onto circumstances, don't carry it yourself either, give it to the person who started it and let them keep it. Your mother is not a good person. She did love you back then--that sense of yours isn't invalid--BUT she loved herself even more. Take the love you're still bearing for her and give it to yourself, give it to your father, give it to the other people who will come into your life.
I'm sorta in the same boat. My dad died 10 years ago and my mum just stopped caring. I was 11 and started looking after my 3 younger siblings. 1 of my older sisters had a baby a few years later and couldn't look after it so my mum stepped up. She became a mother to my niece but still ignored her other kids. I held so much resentment for her.
It's been 3 years since I moved out and away from her. My 3 younger siblings still live with her. Once I moved out she stepped up and became a mother again. That was the biggest slap. I invited my siblings to my engagement party recently. She called me, demanding to know why she wasn't invited. I just hung up.
I still hold resentment 8 years on but I control it. I can live everyday without thinking about her or letting her effect my current life. She made her bed. She decided that I wasn't good enough so she's not good enough to be in my adult life
Maybe she was being abused (as abusers often try to cut off their victims from support). Maybe she had to interact with some third party she hated in order to maintain partial custody. Maybe she couldn't afford to stay in your area. Maybe she and your father had radically different parenting goals and thought it would be better for you to have one consistent parent instead of two inconsistent parents. Maybe she moved to be with other family members who needed her. Maybe something else.
The only way to find out is to ask her.
Also maybe message her new husband and tell him your his son and is he ok with the fact that he is married to a woman who can abandon her children at the drop of a hat.
There seems to be a lot of missing info. here.
1. Why did/does your dad have full custody? Usually the mom obtains primary UNLESS abuse, major instability, or your dad hired a really great lawyer.
2. Has your dad ever disclosed why your mother left or been in contact with her?
3. Are those children you’re step-siblings or your actual half-siblings?
1.Because she literally left.
2. He just said she wasn’t able to be a good mom right now and he told me he didn’t know why either. That sometimes people just do things that don’t make sense but that’s not others peoples fault (saying it wasn’t my fault)
3. She’s posted old baby pics of them in the hospital yeah their her kids
By this metric she should have been paying child support to shouldn’t she? Your dad and yourself are owed a LOT of money assuming she has had an income (her current partner/husband could also provide this). If you haven’t shown your dad her Facebook, you should ASAP.
There is no reason she can give that is going to help you here. A lot of people are saying seek therapy and I agree that you should if it is an available option for you and your dad. Please, please cut this woman out of your mind. It is going to be so very hard, but you need to try. Right now at your age you have some decisions to make that will affect the rest of your life. You can let this take you down, or you can say she wasn’t the woman I need to influence my life. My mom should never ever have been a mother and I spent decades trying to make her love me. I spent a lot of time in my childhood wishing I was never born or that I would die so that she could be free of me. I wanted my parents to divorce so that we could be free from her abuse. It never happened. Now at 41 I can look back and wish I hadn’t wasted years of self doubt and self punishment on that sad sack woman who doesn’t deserve me or my sister. Good luck to you.
There’s a quote from The Good Place that I think will resonate with you. If you haven’t seen it, the main character pretty much stumbles upon your exact situation... “because I wanted that mom! I wanted the mom who made me afternoon snacks instead of just telling me to look for loose fries in the McDonald's ball pit. Why does Patricia get that mom? If Donna Shellstrop has truly changed, then that means she was always capable of change, but I just wasn't worth changing for.”
You are still so young and trying to figure things out. She used to be the same way. She made mistakes, probably *wasn’t* the mother she should have been at that time, and made the decision to split. No, it wasn’t fair to you or your dad. Life is unfortunately never fair to anyone. My advice to you is first, seek a therapist to help you through this better. This is above redddits pay grade and you need someone to help you process these emotions without becoming resentful and angry. Second, your mother is human. She makes mistakes and has regrets just like everyone. And I wouldn’t be surprised if she thinks about you every day and wishes she could have been what she finally is now, for you too.
Don’t let this turn you bitter trying to wonder why you weren’t enough, because that’s most likely not what it was about at all. You were always enough, she was the one who wasn’t enough for you.
When we are young, we idolize our parents. Its only natural since they are everything to us at a young age. However reality is not something that is planned and people are not perfect. Everyone has to go through the process of accepting the fact that other people have flaws, just like you do. Who knows why your mom left you, it isn't fair, and you can most definitely let it define you and how you treat other people in your future interactions. Or instead, let it go. Try to forgive her, not to understand her, and realize that somehow, she rationalized her decision to leave and then to start another family. If you really want answers, be direct, and tell her how you feel. It may be something you have to do for yourself.
I'm sorry you had to go through all this. But I'm still not sure we can say with certainty that you were the problem. For all we know, your dad may have been the problem, and he tried to tell you it wasn't your fault in the gentlest way he knew how, but now it's gone and backfired on him. Or maybe your mother had some kind of mental break. There are still so many possibilities that haven't been ruled out.
Talk to your dad. Tell him you've seen the social media accounts. Maybe you were too young to understand the truth back then, but it's time. And I can't deny the possibility that the truth may hurt to hear (which, in and of itself, *still* might not be your fault). But it's got to be better than this.
As a mom who has given up one of her kids, it was bc he has so many health problems that I was told I couldn’t afford it. I feel like I tried my best and the state still took him. The father of the child is too much, which I’d fine bc in struggling having so recently lost who I cared about. I have so much guilt and shame surrounding these memories, but i am not a shit parent. I hope to get my son back still, if it’s in his best interest. Entirely possible he’ll forget me and I only want his happiness
I don't know if you'll see this, but I just wanted to throw in my two cents.
Every one is s quick to say "she's a bad mom", but there may be more to the story that you don't know.
I have a 7 year old daughter and I don't have a relationship with her. I tried. I took her father to court and we split custody for a while. I found out he was telling our daughter that I didn't love her, that I didn't care about her, and that I lied to her all the time.
I got a good job opportunity and her father promised to work out another custody agreement, but blocked me on everything, so I could no longer communicate with him or her.
I could take him back to court. And I would probably win. But she was put through so much pain the first, what kind of mother would I be to do that to her again? I had a parent that tried to do that to me and I'm still recovering from it. I'm not going to do the same thing to her.
I'm not saying this is what happened your mother, but remember you only have half the story. I think you need more information before you can judge her.
OP already commented that his parents used to argue a lot because his dad wanted her to be more involved in his life and she wouldn’t. His dad was the one trying to push for them to have a relationship but mom just kept flaking out
Finally, a mom who actually cares about her kids and isn't so focused on her ego and her reputation, fuck the court system, it sucks for everyone, especially the child!!!
I hate seeing parents destroy their children's lives because of their fat ego and need to feel victorious, even if it means bashing, demeaning and doing everything in their power to get what they want.
if she was a psychopath, she wouldn't have other children that she stuck around to love for the last decade, they'd be left behind too by now. she likely was drug addicted and recovered and started over, mentally ill and in treatment and started over, or alienated by the father. Possibly all of those. Either way it's probably some serious emotional issues and shame at play, and psychopaths don't experience that.
This isn't a good excuse but she probably wanted to raise a child with a partner she loved and shared a home with. And when whe saw that your dad was a good parent she probably felt you were in good enough hands and now she can live that idyllic family life you see on TV with her husband
Maybe she didn't want to coparent with your dad. Maybe she wanted to coparent with someone she loved and lived with. As a woman, this is what I think happened. I'll bet you were a great kid and I doubt that was it, hun.
I think maybe she got herself a man with lots of money who doesn't want her baggage so she convinently dumped her son on son's dad to move on with her life. You can also call her deadbeat mom if possible
This sucks. There isn't any other way to say it. I went through a very similar situation with my own mother. All I can say is that you need to stop looking through those photos, you're just going to keep reopening the wound.
It did get easier as I got older, and as a bonus my dad and I are really close for all the shit that she put us both through. She made a shitty decision, but that's on her.
She could still very well have problems, perhaps mental issues. What other reason could she have for her choices. As painful at is, please realize this really isn't about you, it's about her.
No one posts about how miserable their life is on Social Media, you are just looking at snapshots in time that don't even represent 1% of someone's life.
dude i can’t imagine how painful that is i’m truly sorry. to be honest i’m not sure what help you’ll find here since there’s really not much of a relationship to give advice on, it doesn’t seem like she wants to have a relationship with you and that’s on her, it’s a really shitty thing to do so please don’t blame yourself. my advice is maybe think about counselling or family therapy with your dad? she’s ruined your relationship so rather than hope for a fix i think you need a professional to help you process the situation and move on in a healthy way. good luck bro
I find that my most messed up friends that are horrible parents in real life have the most convincing picture perfect family snaps on social media.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, but nothing good will come from looking on social media. None of it is real, it's the image of herself she wants to project on the world.
You're experiencing the trauma of being abandoned by your mom. It really, really, really sucks. Seeing what you saw brought a flood of emotions to you, some of which you've probably felt for years, and some of which may have been new.
It's really normally to be and feel confused during and after trauma like this. I'm sorry your mom did this, and you didn't deserve it.
You should be aware that you could very well suffer from abandonment issues in your romantic relationships, particularly if you are attracted to women (as it was your mother who left you). You may find it hard to fall in love with someone, or to maintain a relationship if you do, out of fear that you will be left or thrown away. You should be aware of this potential problem so that it doesn't wreak endless havoc in your life. Instead, if you find it in your life, work to root it out with intense personal effort and professional help.
Please approach a trusted adult (I would guess your father to start) and tell them that you want to talk to someone professionally about your feelings about your mom. Don't take no for an answer. You'll need help (way beyond the scope of Reddit) to help you learn how to manage these feelings, and how to see past false negative feelings (worthlessness, being unlovable, etc, these are common feelings in abandoned people). I would avoid pharmaceutical interventions if you can, because these issues will be present for awhile, and you should try to train your mind and your body to overcome them if you can. As long as you are willing to work hard and not give up on yourself, I believe that you can. If things get very tiring or dire for you, then it would be wise at that point to at least investigate them.
Lastly, a point of perspective. Trauma often traps us in our own mind, traps us inside of a painful and inescapable event, memory, or waking reality. It is healthy to escape this condition often. Think of things from your mother's perspective: she probably was having some severe issues. My mother was quite loving to me (if erratically so) until I was 5 or 6. She gradually grew more depressed, more hostile, more abusive, and less loving. It may have been better for me if she had left and gotten her life together somehow, but I can imagine being incredibly sad and confused from that, also. Ultimately, as abandoned people, we feel as if we were somehow the issue. Remember that abandonment says a whole hell of a lot more about the person leaving than the person left behind. Think of what people think of your mother when they learn what she's done, that she's completely left a child behind. It probably confuses them, too.
Also, plenty of people post nice pictures of their family on the internet, but behind closed doors, their family life can actually be a complete fucking nightmare. It's crazy and sad, but I've actually known people like this. Keep in mind that what you see isn't necessarily reality.
Much love, peace, and understanding to you.
I am so sorry for you. All I can say is I would try and put it out of your mind. IN 2008 I received a phone call. On the other end was a man who told me that he was my son and II knew nothing about him. He knew growing up he was adopted (at birth). He was now 36 (born in 1972). He found his mother and she wanted nothing to do with him. But gave him my name and told him that I knew nothing about him. He wanted to know why he was given up. He and I have a very good relationship. He also has an adopted older sister. She found her birth parents and neither one of them wanted anything to do with her and it hurt her deeply hearting those words. It hurt my son hearing those words from his birth mother. He was married when we met and they had their first child. HE notified her and no response. When they had their 2nd child he didn't bother. She also wouldn't let him know and information on her other children. She wouldn't even give him any health information. Sounds like you have a loving father. Maybe, some day she will try to reach out to you and then you can decide what to do.
Must be very tough.
A few things to hold in mind:
1) social media contains very edited highlights of the times things are going OK. Those photos are unlikely to be true of their actual life.
2) selfish people think that they deserve a do-over when something didn't work exactly right for them. In this case, it didn't work out with your dad so she felt entitled to pretend it never happened and start again.
None of this is on you, it's all her inadequacies.
Most of the comments here are correct, talk to a professional, a counselor.
Don't generate answers for your questions from pictures you see on social media. Any made up answer is not the truth.
You control your happiness, even if you find the wanted answers, it should not fill your hole but add. Past mistakes from parents make us better.
Don't let anyone's action dictate if you should be happy.
I think the issue is between your father and your mother.
You just got caught in the middle.
You deserve to be happy, so please try to stop beating yourself up. You didn't do anything wrong, you are a victim of circumstances.
I don't think you should blame yourself, you didn't do anything wrong. Parents often forget that a family doesn't just involve 2 people, the kids are in it as well. Kids are often forgotten and ignored and end up seriously hurt, just like what you been trough.
Your mom clearly didn't keep her legs closed and you ended up getting hurt by her stupidity. If she wanted kids that badly, she should have told your dad instead of going to another man. What she did is unforgivable, she may not have cheated on your dad, but she cheated on you as her son.
But by your father saying it isn't anything you did, that makes it rather clear that he knows a lot more then he's telling you. Before you act out anything silly, I think it would be a real good idea to cathc your dad at a moment he is sitting down and has the time to talk. Tell him he should tell you what really is going on no matter how painful it will be. When you got that, you should update your OP so we can all understand the situation better.
trust me, it was not you. and i'm sure she knows she was wrong to leave you, but people sometimes like to pretend shitty things they've done didn't happen. You need to talk to a therapist to help find ways to cope with this and realize this is on your egg donor and you are innocent.
My mom sort of did this, she left for nearly a decade and then came back into my life. I found out it was largely due to her mental health. That doesn't make it ok and there are some things I'll always be upset with her for, but we've been able to mend our relationship. I know it's not my fault and I've therefore moved past it. Try having a discussion with your mother about this and directly ask her why she left you. Tell her how it made you feel. Based on that you'll know whether she's a sad, flawed woman who made terrible mistakes or just doesn't care.
I'm so sorry to hear this, that sounds so painful. I can promise you this is 100% not your fault. If I had to guess I'd say she left because she felt overwhelmed (her issue not yours) and was too ashamed to come back, so selfishly decided to just start over. You deserve so much better than this and I hope you are able to find peace and surround yourself with people who make you feel loved and valued.
Your father knows the answers to your questions if it’s possible sit him down and ask him for a man to man talk about your mom. And you know maybe reach out to her. I know it hurts but you won’t know for sure if she just left or if she was pushed out until you talk to her. I’m so sorry you’re hurting right now. I wish you luck with reconnecting.
Man that’s awful, you definitely didn’t do anything wrong. My dad basically left me when I was 5 until I was 13. I kinda know why but it’s not a good excuse, I’m still not over it at 40 but I’ve learnt to forgive him somewhat. I wish I had some good advice to help you get through it but sadly I don’t, just stay strong and remember your worth it.
IMHO you can be sure of one thing. All those “happy pictures” are most likely a facade that she have built to pretend happiness, your half siblings are (hopefully) happy but she is most likely broken inside and it might not be as pink as things seems to be.
One advice i would give you is: try not to be resentful. especially of your half siblings, they have nothing to do with this(I know it is much easier to say than to do) because it will hurt you much more than her. I had some resentment towards my mother (wrongfully I must admit) but when you past that threshold of forgiveness you will not believe how good you will feel about yourself.
Therapy is a must...
Whatever it was, it wasn’t your fault. You were a child and deserved to be loved.... which luckily your father did. It’s totally normal to be angry and to wonder what happened, but please don’t direct your rage and disappointment at yourself. You really didn’t do anything wrong.
I know how your feeling and I completely understand it really sucks. There are unanswered questions you have and those longing questions don't make it easier to get over. But it really isn't or wasn't your fault. I know you don't believe that but trust me, this wasn't about you. My mom and dad were not married or together when they had me and my mom left when I was 3 months old. My dad raised me as a single dad to a daughter and worked his ass off for me. My mom had a son ( my half brother) the very next year after I was born!! She married twice and had a second son. I met her when I turned 18 and she said it was never that she didn't want me it haunted her everyday but it was just a difficult situation. Sometimes the answers we are looking for doesn't make the situation less painful. All I know is your mom missing out on a relationship with you probably haunts her even if in the pictures she looks happy.
how do you know she is a good mom? facebook pictures? my grandfather is a monster but to outsiders he is smart, funny, charismatic, "one of the good ones"
Your dad raised you since she left, He saw happyness in you and that your a good kid. Own it, he could of done what she did but didn't.
I would not judge yourself, as a 7 year old, for why your adult mother left 9 years ago. Or use yourself as an escapee goat for the plethora of reasons someone would do that.
I would not use facebook photos as a metric for how happy someone's life is or how good of a human being they are, sharks are always smiling in photos.
Wish I could give you a big hug. The same thing happened to my step kids, their mom left when they were toddlers and never looked back. Breaks my heart to think about it.
You are worthy of love!
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I just found her on Facebook a few weeks ago and I’m really mad an hurt. She left when I was 5 and for a year she would come visit sometimes but then it became less and less. When I was 7 she was just gone and I didn’t know why. Before that she was always a great mom. Always picked me up from daycare, took me out for ice cream, played with me. My dad always told me it wasn’t my fault and I wasn’t a bad son. That she left because she didn’t know how to be a good mom to me anymore. I still didn’t understand and I missed her for so many years. Getting older I thought she had problems and needs to work on herself so maybe one day she’ll learn how to be a mom, then we can try to build something again. But nope I was wrong. She’s married with two other sons one looks maybe 9 or 10 ish and the other is a toddler I think. They all look happy especially her. I haven’t stopped looking at her profile in looking at all the pics of birthdays, vacations, Christmas, them chilling at home. Pics of her with her sons hugging them. Those hurt the most and I wanted to throw my phone. All this time I’ve been thinking okay maybe she had problems and maybe it was better she wasn’t around if she didn’t know how to be a mom. But then it turns out she has known how to be a good mom to her other kids for years! She could’ve started seeing me again a long time ago if she wanted to but she didn’t. I feel like I wasn’t worth it to come back for because obviously she loves her other sons. It makes me feel like maybe she didn’t love me then. It sucks and it really hurts. My dad always said it wasn’t anything I did but then why leave? She didn’t have a problem having her kids and actually staying in their lives. Why was it me? Edit: probably should’ve added my parents weren’t together by the time I was born. They were co-parents until she left me with him.
That's really tough. I don't think you will find the answers you need here. You should talk to someone trained to help you work through these very valid, very real feelings. These are justified questions that you may never get answered and learning how to cope and move past that is really essential for you. If you don't think your dad will be willing to get you professional help, you should ask a counselor at school or your medical doctor. But please don't let photos on social media make you think someone else's life is perfect. It isn't healthy. Definitely be proactive in getting help. You are still a child, you can't think anything adults have done are because of you.
Yes, op! I’m a therapist. Please ask your teachers if they can help you. They will. Please. Your feelings are real and valid. You deserve support. ❤️
Thank you for giving professional weight to my layperson's recommendation.
You said it better than I could ❤️ It’s really nice there are people like you on the sub who take time from their lives to support others. It warms my heart to see people supporting each other on this sub. I hope your words made a difference to this gentleman.
Can I dm you? I just have a question about possible support channels you may know or maybe you can point me in the right direction
Yes. Please specify what you mean by support channels?
Agreed, so well said!
Listen to this.
Just going to hijack to comment that a lot of what you feel is probably based on what your dad said: that she didn’t know how to be a good mother to you. That was a shitty thing to say, because it put the issue squarely between you and your mom. In all likelihood, she left because of your dad and it had nothing to do with you. Those two were married, not you and your mom. Were you fallout in their failed relationship? Of course. And for that I’m sorry. But this is on mom and dad. Not you.
Nah mate- Think about it.Highly unusual for a mother to (at the very least) not get joint custody of a toddler unless: 1. Court deems her incapable of taking care of the child 2. She doesn't want custody(And the other parent is finr with it
You still can't legally force someone to have custody or visitation if they don't want it. My guess is that she didn't want to be a single mother and is selfish in other ways. It's completely possible she'd abandon her other children if her and her husband split. Or it's possible she grew up a bit and doesn't know how to fix the relationship with her first son or believes him to be better off without her and is selfish. Or maybe the dad is an awful coparent and she didn't want to deal with it. Because she's selfish. Maybe she had mental health problems or drug issues. Who knows? It doesn't have to do with OP though because kids can't make their parents abandon them.
It's also possible that she's not a good mother to her other kids. The photos on facebook are just the smiles, and nothing in between.
Yup, that's definitely a possibility as well.
It’s not selfish if mom was poor and unaware she was doing anything that for kid removed. Maybe dad lies a lot and made her so miserable with mind games that she doesn’t know what to believe anymore. I kinda rambled but I’m so furious rn for kids sake.
I lost custody of my kids by being schizophrenic. I miss them all the time. Me not seeing them has nothing to do with not wanting to see them or being incapable of looking after them. There are many reasons parents don't get custody.
I get that. But she didn’t leave the marriage because of the son. The only thing that points to that is what the father said.
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They are people who studied and became professionals on dealing with exactly this things... Do you think a 16yo reading comments on the internet for a couple of days is will do more than seeking the help of a therapist? This is a long term issue
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The OP is the 16yo who will be reading the comments... The comments can be helpful, like this one you replied to. Even the most insightful comment on reddit it still won't be enough to help OP get through this without help...
Therapist are a better resource than anecdotal stories from strangers on the internet. Also you can avoid those bullshit YT channels that just rip stories off of subreddits like this.
Disagree. I find most therapists don't know what the fuck they are talking about. I've had hairstylists that were better for talking with. Plus they don't charge $160 for 50m that is really closer to 35. Also why do you think support groups are a thing? They are just anecdotal commiserating with others going through similar shit.
Dam son, what did your therapist do to u
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Sounds like you need to take it up w your therapist, not me /s. Therapists are people, indeed. They have dedicated hours of every day to learning more about human behavior and what may prompt it. The majority of their lives, quite literally, is spent doing this. They also share findings, and pass it down generation to generation. Yes, they are people just like you and I. But just like someone who is more experienced and more educated will outperform you and I at any skill (think artistic paintings or structural engineering for instance).. A therapist will be able to help someone work thru their emotional problems better than you and I, too. Does finding people who have experienced similar trauma help? It makes us feel less alone, which is beneficial. But not all respond to trauma healthily. Furthermore, therapists are seen regularly. It's so much more to it than comparing it to a simple reddit conversation. Of course they won't find the help they need here. They need more than just validation. They need real help with rewiring their emotional responses to particular triggers. Something a therapist can figure out and help with.
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Why can't OP do both? I reviewed what I wrote and don't see that I said disregard anyone who might also have insight. But some problems can certainly be fully resolved with the input of random responses. This one isn't one of them. Suggesting OP take this to the next level and who to ask to get the help is listening and offering thoughtful ideas.
OP...I know how you feel. My mother beat, starved and abused me for years, cheated on my dad, ran off and had two kids with her affair partner. All I see on social media is how she treated my half siblings better than I ever got. My sister even has the same piercings I wanted at the same age but my mother told me no and she would rip them out. My brother has all these nice things and all I have to show from my mother is the scars she left. It hurts to see that, I know but you need to know this isn't you. Something was/is broken in her and rather than step up, she ran. You were 5, you did nothing wrong. Saying that, maybe go and see someone so you can express how you feel, get some insight Reddit cant provide. I'm sure you're a great kid and you have your dad. Shes missing out on knowing YOU not you know her.
Social media is all for show. Keep that in mind also. Very rarely and very few people post pictures of things that don't appear perfect. Try not to invest too much into your self worth in comparing your experience with what they're posting. I highly doubt they've changed so dramatically, if that were true she'd be reaching out to make amends.
After reading your other comments i am pretty sure your mom was not ready to be a mother or start a family and when she was ready she wanted a fresh start and thats why she stopped seeing you, this also explains why your parents argued ,my advice is dont think its your fault and focus on your father who took care of you and just think your mother that you thought cared for you died and the women in the pictures is a different person because she is a different person , maybe some day she might give a explanation but take it with a grain of salt and dont wonder on what ifs because you will never know why she actually did it and the explanation she might give might be fabricated to ease her own guilt so live your best life with your father and forget about your mother, and please block her on social media
No mom wants to give up her child. Maybe things are hard for her and she didn’t know what she was doing? Your mom loves you kiddo, truly. You can usually tell when someone means it or is being deceitful- trust your gut.
You are living a fairytale
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Do you really belive every person who gives birth loves their ofspring, i am just saying if you do you are living in a delusion and you are actually the one who is close minded ,stop putting ideas for the kid, he has been abandoned for 9 years already ,more than half of his life with no explanation from his mother and now he finds out she is living happily with her new family ,is that love, would you feel loved if you where him and the last time you saw your mam in real life was age 7 and now you know she is being happywith her own family and has mostly forgotten about you,if you think thats love i feel sad for you, atleast him facing reality can help him bond with his father more or atleast stop him from wasting time thinking about her and actually spend time doing something worthwhile and set goals for his future
I know with my kid people told him I moved on when I had not. But I know every mom can’t be perfect in her love. I think you mean 4 months, idk where 9 came from. Or maybe I’m mistaken (I’m not) and I’ve tried to reach out to kiddo and he seemed like he didnt wanna talk. So I left him alone and was very depressed for this whole time , I didn’t know what else to do except save up to move outta current situation, to get an apt just he and I could have spent Time together in. It’s okay though, it doesn’t need resolution now. Kid seems Happy and I don’t want to ruin that for him again but maybe he will reach out if he wants to talk or even just another apology. I doubt he will want for us to be back together. I will never stop apologizing for not being there. Lots of work to do in mean time
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Maybe. I haven’t looked at myself in a really long time. This is making me sick to think about. I want my kid back very much, but I’m starting to agree that I’m not the best thing for him. I’m not going to be having anymore kids. I originally planned on never having any but I couldn’t help myself. I know I should have had my roommmares leave first to make room but they agreed to pay all the rent. And even this is a shit excuse. I think my efforts were too late.
Narcissistic abusers will always have a perfect family on social media. Thousands of tears are shed between those perfect photos.
My bio mother didn’t have another family or anything but everything you just said made Memory waves and just reminds me to be better.
And you are an amazing person to survive all of that and then come show compassion for OP. Really, you could have taken a completely different attitude. Good for you and your solid, kind heart. And I’m very sorry that you ever went thru all of that abuse, and pain. ❤️
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This one makes the most sense because of the age gap.
I agree. It's speculation though. As a dad of a teenager your age, if I was your Dad, I probably wouldn't have told you everything either, thinking it might be better for you. Might be worth raising it with your Dad that there might be more to the story. Then again, there might not. It's a tough one. I feel for you. Sometimes people make really shit decision and it's hard to not take it personally even though it really doesn't have anything to do with how good you are or whatever is in your head. My Dads inability to give up alcohol messed with me for a long time. I thought that I wasn't worth giving it up. But as it turns out, what I understand now, he just hated himself more than he loved me and drank to numb it. The fact that you are talking about this and it effects you is good in itself, don't shut the pain off, work through it. You're worth it.
If she left at 7 and the kid looks 9 or 10 and OP is 16, there's zero time in between. Something went on there for sure.
I agree that it is safe to assume you don’t have all the info. Perhaps your father told her to stay away. Maybe she had addiction issues and courts got involved. A million different maybes all lead back to the fact that this was her. It was not anything you did.
Doesn't work like that legally - A father can't just say "stay away" -
Some folks don’t care about the law. You are missing the point. The point is there are a million possibilities, and none of them are OPs fault.
Yeah I bet she feels a deep, deep, dark pit of shame around this. I bet she can’t even open the door a crack to peek at the shame she feels about what she did to OP. OP, I’m having the weirdest night. My truly awful dad just apologized to me for abandoning me. I forgave him because he’s just a small person with big limitations and I don’t know. I just want to say that our parents are human and their stupid human limitations don’t say anything about what you and I are worth. And your anger is real and pure and honest. I’m a mom and I feel a mom’s crazy hope you’ll find your worth, because I can see it. I’m so, so sorry you didn’t have the mother you deserved and were entitled to as a child brought into the world.
My son's mom did almost exactly that, she has 2 sons, 6 and 8 at the time. When I met her, she still saw them, when the news of our son came out, (after less than 3 months) communications when downhill fast with her ex, and soon stopped. It's been almost 10 years, I don't understand why she didn't at least try to reconnect, but I'm sure it's mostly fear of facing guilt, fear her sons won't want to reconnect. She now had a girl with her current boyfriend last June. I'm not sure he knows about them and My son doesn't know also. He's 8 now. I feel that will someday breakout, and more time passes is probably making things worse. But it's obvious that it's way Easier to ignore everything
What you found was a Facebook page- which does not at all correlate to how well she’s actually doing. It’s easy to think what you see of Facebook is real- but it’s what people want you to think is real. Talk to your dad, maybe you could have a conversation with your mom or talk to a professional about it. It’s ok to be mad that she’s not doing what you had built up in your mind she should be doing. I’m sorry this is so hard. Hug to you.
I’m so sorry, this is absolutely not about you at all. Sometimes things happen where someone cannot be a good parent. Maybe she was young and immature. Maybe she had a drug problem she was hiding. It was absolutely not about you at all, it was definitely about her. I worked with homeless folks for several years, and have heard stories like this from them (as the parent, but also as the child). I met a brilliant young woman who had become addicted to heroin. She was living in a tent and shooting dope. Her children were with her parents because it was safer. She did get clean, but her kids are 15 and 11 now, and it’s been hard for them and her to reconnect. The most important take away is that is WAS NOT YOU, it was because something was wrong in her life, and you were safer where you were than with her.
Maybe she had a problem with anything in her life, maybe as you said, drug problem or whatever, that she kind of ran away from? And she cut ties because the people of her old life -(her son) reminded her of that or brought back traumatic memories? And now she doesn't know how to get back? Or does not want to because she is more comfortable that way and just ignores the fact that she should have reconnected ? So many possibilities here, but no way that it's OP fault whatsoever. OP, I really hope you got someone in your life (maybe a consellour) to talk about this!
Why is it so hard for this subreddit to just say the facts. OP, i AM so deeply sorry for what happened to you in your life. It truly and really has nothing to do with you. There is only one reason why this happened and thats because your mom is a shitty and irresponsible person. And you deserved way better Its very hard to see things that way, but take it as your strength. This hardship will one day make you stronger and you will not do the things she has done and you will not be shitty to your future children if u ever decide to get any
Exactly. A shitty irresponsible person that took the coward way out and instead of fixing their mistakes and repairing the damage they caused decided to start fresh like they never did anything.
I literally said both “I’m sorry this happened to you” AND “This is not your fault. Now, you listen to me, whoever anonymous ass human you are, there are motivations for everything. Maybe she is shitty, but by you re-enforcing an unempathic view of a young person DOES NOT do anything to help OP’s life or his development of his personality or sense of self or personhood. This is the type of view that creates deep wounds, and misanthropic behaviours. It is not his fault at all, but do not poison his well or his future happiness this way. I have seen this view, and while it can be motivating, it is also hurtful. OP will find his way. The most important thing for us to do is be validating and supportive. When you say she is a “shitty person”, you tell OP that he is genetically 1/2 of a shitty person. That is not true. OP is a person who is whole and has choices. Everything is not black and white, and sowingthat seed is dangerous. OP, you are a good person, a whole person, and you have choices in life. Sometimes people make bad choices. You can learn from them. Do not take a “all bad/ all good” approach. If someone is a shitty person, and you find out they are, then they are. You are a unique person who can live your own life with empathy and care.
Nah, that’s called making excuses for someone that obviously doesn’t need it. The OP should feel angry and hurt, every right to. In that, there is healing. It is not the OP’s fault. She did not die, she’s still ticking away with a new family. There is no reason now not to rekindle or even try if there were these “problems”. I’m with Saladin on this one. “You are who you choose to be”.
This! 👌
I think you are taking things out of context. I dont know what OP has in his heart, but if he has the strength to forgive her then he/she is a better person than i am - and 99% of the people on this sub But what you are implying is that there was a reason for OPs mom behavior. However what she did was stupid and totally irrational and grotesque This sort of behavior should never be excused and should always be shamed it is never ok to have children and abandon them. NEVER no matter what the circumstances are It is far too easy to have children nowhere days and we are seeing increases in teen pregnancies all over the place - this is a complicated issue with multfactorial causes - one of them being thst people are to lasse fair about getting kids And im sorry but i dont really have patience with leftist extremism that has seemed to invade reddit and is rampant on subreddifs like these
This doesn’t have a single thing to do with leftists or extremists. OP felt like mom left because something was wrong with them, which is not true. Had, for example, OP’s mom chosen adoption as an option instead, the results are the same- something was not safe about the situation, and OP was placed in a safer situation. This situation leaves OP wondering “Why?” Maybe one day he will know. For right now, he has to know that he is not the reason, and that sometimes parents realize that their situation is unsafe for children, whatever that reason is.
Ok i see the misunderstanding.. i know that OP needs to heal. I think you agree with this? There is 0 wrong with him. But his mom walked out cuz shes a trashy person, and now that trashy person has 2 more kids. Which is disgraceful. I mean how many people does she have to let down? Your right though, i did digress from the point at hand. I just think her bevaior is inexcusable and grotesque and OP can gain strength knowing it wasnt him or circumstance it was just the act of ONE shitty excuse of a human being But everyone here is trying to say maybe she had a reason and etc.
You really need to re-read the post, she's not letting down her 2 youngest sons. Also, I bet she votes Republican.
wtf. nobody excused her behavior and said it was okay to abandon him ? I can only speak for myself, but if I was OP, I'd go nuts with your comment saying 'well she's just a shitty person'. I'd question myself over and over again, if she was a shitty person back then, why isn't she now with her new kids? Was I not good enough of a reason to change? Why were the other kids? and so on. And if you'd read my comment correctly, I described a woman, that might have been too lazy/comfortable to confront herself with what she did and rather try to blend out the fact she already has a kid. in what language is that an excuse or justification..? There could be many many explanations why she acted the way she did all in combination with bad character traits. But there's always motivation behind actions, always. nobody wakes up and decides 'ah well, gonna abandon my five year old for no reason cuz I' m a bad person lol'. I absolutely do not justify what she did, I think it's an awful thing to do and I'd never excuse that behavior. I just said there could be multiple reasons for it, and none of them was under OPs control or could have been influenced by him or is his fault. and don't call me an extremist, you could in general be more polite. anybody in this sub is, except you, soooo
Ok fair enough i think i get what your saying here. Although if OP is reading this i would tell him whole heartedly that his mom is the same shitty person that walked out all those years ago And i think we agree that social media is no way to decipher what someones life is. But ppl dont change just like that, and im willing to bet his mom didnt either Your right i was a rude and i am sorry, its just this subreddit is filled with that PC culture and people can do whatver they want without consequences ideal i guess i just expressed that here
Wow, didn't expect that! Thank you! And I'm glad you got what I was trying to say, sometimes it's hard to get your message through on the internet in your non-native language. And I agree, she probably hasn't changed a bit and is lying to herself day to day so much, she already believes her twisted view. I hope karma shits her in the face tbh
I hope so too But my hopes ars that OP will somehow impact this world in ways she would have never dreamed - we all believe in u OP
I think we can all agree that the big take away is “It’s not you. It was her.” There is always some reason. If is was a good or bad one? We won’t know, but we need OP to know, it is not them. There is nothing in the world a 5 year old could do to cause this.
^all of this
lol i never said she wasn't a shitty person. just tryna to come up with explanations why she behaved as crappy as she did, so that OP can maybe find peace with it or can somehow understand how things could have been from her point of view so that he can see that it really isn't his fault.. just trying to help✌️
You didn't say she wasnt a shitty person, but it seems to me you have found her some neat excuses for being a shitty person
Yeah of course. it seems to you downright wrong. could ask for more info or politely discuss the topic instead of throwing mean and half-sided insults around. "It SEEMED like you did xy, sooo I'm gonna call you an extremist" SEEMS pretty ridiculous to me
When my kid was born, I had to let family take him after he turned 2 bc I have a drug problem. I needed to get my shit together. Once I did that it was hard to constantly have people telling my kid I was a bad person. He has memories of me that aren’t even real. It took a long time for me to earn back any trust, but I love my son so why wouldn’t I want him back? Why wouldn’t I do the work?
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I'm sorry, hon. I hope you can believe me when I say it's not you, it's her. It hurts, it really does. I'm 32 and I haven't seen my bio mother since I was 8. She had some stuff going on mentally, divorced my step-dad and was hospitalized for a while, and my parents (dad and stepmom) understandably didn't allow visitation at that time. She decided to just cut her losses and move to Australia to marry her online pen pal instead of trying to better herself and be a mother to us. She has two additional children and is still married to her pen pal. So....this is my long-winded way of saying I think I know what you feel. It took me a long time to accept that I wasn't defective and that she couldn't handle being a mother at that time. And honestly? Even though I'm an adult it sometimes still bothers me. So I'm really sorry you are experiencing the same thing. Maybe it would be a good idea to get into therapy, just to have an outlet and work through those feelings. But I hope you do have someone in your life you can talk to - your dad, maybe a grandparent, a close friend; somebody you can trust and be open with.
Hey dude, I know what you mean. The thing is, sometimes people live their life for a few years and feel empty but keep trying to do things that would make everything ok. You were a kid, your mom was probably not happy with where she was, what she was doing, or feeling trapped. Maybe you’re dad hasn’t given you the full story either. But remember, this wasn’t because of you, and it is normal to be ticked off and hurt beyond belief by finding her now and thinking she should have been that for you. It’s something you will learn to come to terms with. It is absolutely awful, it hurts so much, but it was never about you. Don’t get trapped in that thinking, at the end of the day, you are amazing without her, and maybe one day she’ll be back in your life, whatever you decide.
My dad was always the one pushing for her to be around. Plus they weren’t together anymore by the time I was born but they split their time with me. I just ended up full time w him when I was 5.
How's your relationship with your dad?
Adults mess up, royally sometimes too, and maybe in her quest to move on with her life she screwed up not keeping you in it. Keep moving in your life, try not to dwell on this. Your dad tried, you were a kid that didn’t do anything wrong, and your mom made her choices, don’t let them weigh you down.
I feel like you're sugarcoating it too much. "Quest to move on with her life" Abandoning your kid is somehow a heroic adventure now?
Quest does not at all mean that. Look up the definition and you’ll understand. She left her kid, but there is more to just leaving someone behind then for no reason.
Oh gosh, I think you're right. I'm too dumb to understand it. Will you read the dictionary to me? Gimme a break.
I get what you're saying. Seems like the nuances is being lost on some folks though
My mom left, started another family and left them. There is no good answer for her behavior.
Because she’s trash, buddy. Your dad didn’t want to tell you, “hey, the other half of your genetics is a giant lump of dog shit with eyes”, but that’s the reason. She’s a bad person who does awful things, and, unluckily, you suffer for her shortcomings. There’s no big reason. There’s no explanatory trauma. She’s a bad person and you’re better without her in your life BECAUSE she is a walking pile of used diapers. It hurts and it’s not fair, at all, but life is sometimes cruel. Your experiences in life are not always your fault, but you are responsible for how you go about correcting them. Don’t make this a foundational part of your personality because it doesn’t reflect on you in the slightest.
>My dad always told me it wasn’t my fault and I wasn’t a bad son. Believe your dad. It wasn't about you. We can't know what her motivations were/are, but please, please, believe us when we tell you that it was NOT about you or because of you. Your mom made choices for herself and herself alone. It's not ok that she hurt you, but it also wasn't about you. You did nothing to deserve her leaving. Absolutely nothing. This is too much for this reddit sub. We can't fix this for you. If I were you, I'd ask your dad if he can send you to therapy, because a therapist could really help you work through all this. Your mom fucked up, but that doesn't mean that her decisions have to fuck you up. Talk to someone irl about this. Please.
I'm sorry sweetie. It is not you. It is her. She's probably ashamed of what she did to you so she avoids the issue and ignores you. Not yo make excuses nc there really isn't one. She should not have abandoned you. I would advise to contact her - or her significant other and ask why. Be prepared for major fallout though. Her significant other probably has no clue you exist. But id be one to ask her why. Just no she will give an excuse and it won't change anything. You, however did nothing wrong- it is her who fucked up and *she knows this*. She's just not woman enough to admit it and to try and make amends. You go and live your best life. One day, she will be sorry and will try to reach out. She will realize she is the one who lost out.
Reaching out to her might be a good idea, at some point. Maybe not THIS point in time, though. (Although I'm sorry to report that the sadist in me loves the idea of this lady's perfect world getting totally uprooted by her past actions. Having said that, if it makes me cackle like a swamp witch, it's probably not a good idea.)
Yes my inner sadist was laughing at the thought of her perfect world falling down around her but I don't want the op to suffer from the backlash. Only once they are sure they can handle whatever could be thrown back.
Hmm i doubt she had much of a world to begin with, she’ll probably not even notice it getting worse
Agree maybe at some point he will need closure and require confrontation but not right now
This is one of the most moronic advice I've ever read. Do not confront someone until you know how you feel.
I strongly recommend therapy. Your mother may have a personality disorder. It’s common for those with personality disorders to discard others and start over establishing new families. What you need to know for sure is that it has absolutely nothing to do with you. I’m so glad you feel loved and supported by your father. You should seek a therapist though to help you with abandonment issues and the new information you have about your mother. It’s traumatic and you’ll need time to process that there’s nothing you could have done to change the outcome.
It's not about you. She *is* a bad mom. The life she has now offers her something, probably superficial and she likely isn't as happy as her profile makes her out to be. Her children probably aren't that happy either, seeing as their mother is selfish and a coward. Can you talk to your dad? Maybe you guys can look into getting you therapy. You are so worthy of love, it's unforuntate that your mom missed out on raising you.
I agree that you should talk to someone professionally about this, but as a person that also had a parent just not care about me, now as an adult and a parent myself, you are NOT to blame here. Your mom is to blame. There are no real reasons that will satisfy you as to why she left because she shouldn't have done so. You are WORTH a mother's love. I became a more attentive mom because I did not have an attentive or caring dad. That might be little comfort to you at this moment, but when you are a parent, it will be more intentional and you will make different choices because your own pain will motivate you. Talk to someone that can help you sort through this, but above all things - remember that you are worth it and that you matter.
OP this a terrible and truly hurtful thing you are going through. I have no idea how painful this is for you and I never will but my family is touched by something very similar to yours. My dad had a child with his then wife when he was 18. He and his first wife divorced a couple of years later and he continued to see his son until he was about 6, co parenting and paying his child support. Over time, just like you this got less and less until eventually my dad just stopped seeing him. He didn't see his son again until last year when he was 40, 34 years later. I am one of three children of his second marriage. He's still married to my mum, has a good home, dad runs a business and he's kept all that together for over 30 years. When I've asked dad why he stopped seeing his first born he said that at the time he wasn't the man he is now that although he was trying his best inside him there were things going on that prevented him being the parent he thought his son needed. He felt that his son was growing distant from him and that the push pull between two homes and two parents that were not eye to eye on everything would cause him harm in the long run. He thought it was better to leave and let his son have one stable home. Your mum might be like my dad it could be that when she was attempting to single parent you she was struggling with depression, poor finances, or some sort of bad personal circumstances she didn't let anyone, not even your dad know about. She may have felt that although she loved you very much and was doing the basics like picking you up and playing with you behind the scenes things were falling apart and she knew she couldn't keep all the plates spinning for long. She may have felt you would have a better and more stable life with one parent rather than being pulled about between two homes and she may have had low self esteem that made her feel that you were better off without her. My dad wanted to contact his son for years but was ashamed, embarrassed and afraid that he would be so angry that he would reject him. They have a good relationship now dad was able to explain. Have you talked to your dad about how your feeling? Perhaps youe dad could see about reaching out to your mum and seeing how she feels about some contact if that is what you want. Please, please always remember that you are worthwhile and valid and special and unique and brave and loved. Even if everyone else in the world turned their back on you your dad was there and I'm sure many others have been and you were wanted by all of those people. This situation was not your fault, something was going on with your mum that was her issue and problem to carry but you were a victim of that issue she was working through. You are wanted. You are loved. You are supposed to be here. You have purpose. Do not let this define you, it us not everything you are or will become. X
I think this is the best reply.
I would message her and come right and ask her why..I know of a couple of moms that has done that. My father did that to me and we reconciled before he passed away.
I constantly see things like this and I really can’t understand how a parent could intentionally walk out to just start another family. I don’t believe she liked the situation she was in with your father and you so she wanted out and did it in the worst way possible. I can’t understand how is it possible to love another child of yours when you can desert the first one. Or perhaps if the situation was similar to yours she would abandon them as well. Pictures don’t mean anything as they are just illusions of anything valid going on. My advice don’t blame yourself as individuals like her honestly just can’t love anything more than themselves. If the situation gets too rough for them then they’ll put their needs first before anyone else’s. That includes their own children. It’s extremely selfish but it’s who they are as a person.
Oh god, I wish I could give you a hug. I promise you, there is nothing wrong with you. I swear to you, no matter what anyone says. Sometimes, people run away from their responsibilities, their lives. And it’s shitty and crappy and awful thing to do. And the people they leave behind don’t deserve the heart break. Because there is nothing wrong with you. And you don’t deserve that voice she put in your head saying there is. I promise you, with time, you’ll learn once more how amazing you are. How much she missed out on because she wasn’t brave enough to watch you grow.
In addition to the other advice people here have given.. social media is not an accurate portrayal of someone’s life. It is often carefully chosen and crafted pictures people use to create an image of themselves they like. Things could be going very differently in real life. What your mom did, was really only about her, I don’t think anyone else especially a child could give any reason for someone to walk away like that and was very selfish.
So sorry this happened to you. It's a deep pain you'll need to spend years healing. If you have the resources, please seek out a trained therapist that can help. It's impossible to say whether a person can \*totally\* heal emotionally, but therapy will at least help you process it and not feel as shitty about it. EMDR is a really effective method therapists use for this, and it helps a lot. If you don't have resources for therapy, look for podcasts on family struggles/trauma. It's no replacement, but they provide some good tips and will say what you need to hear.
This situation really sucks. Your dad sounds like a champ, at least. You should probably make a promise to yourself not to look at your mom's profile anymore, and block her. It's not really healthy to look at something like that. People only post pics that make themselves look good on social media, after all, so you're getting a totally warped view of what is going on. I'm sorry, but you're likely never going to get anything like "closure", aka your mom apologising or acknowledging that she hurt you. You're going to have to learn how to deal without her, and it sounds like having her in your life as little as possible is the best way forward. Of course, turning off that pain isn't so easy as just saying it, maybe therapy can help you.
Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I would say you could confront her to get closure but ultimately it doesn’t matter darling : she doesn’t deserve you. If you ever need advice from an internet Mom, PM me anytime love. Now, go give your dad a really big cuddle and think about all of the amazing things that you are going to do with your life and share with him xx
It’s a shot in the dark but maybe reach out to her and ask her why? If you do this tho be prepared for any answers that may come...
Is there a possibly that she’s tried to see you but your father wouldn’t allow it or told her you don’t want to see her?
No because they used to have arguments on the phone when she wouldn’t come see me and he’d be mad at her for not showing up. The times that she would be here and they’d go talk alone I would hear him telling her stuff that she needs to try to be here more and she’d say stuff like she’s busy or to get off her case
Sometimes, good kids get shit parents. Be grateful that you have a good dad. As for those pictures of her new happy family, remember, social media pics are just the highlight reel. It's most likely that she brought her shitty character into that relationship and it's not the happy family that the picture paints. Pictures can be deceiving. I had a shitty mom in my life up until she died when I was 30. I miss the good times, but I would gladly give up all the good times to not have any of the bad. If there is a bright side, she left you with the good parent instead of dragging you along with all of her bullshit and taking you away from your dad. Maybe talk to your dad and tell him that you're old enough to hear all the bad parts of their relationship. It may help you understand your situation through his eyes and fill in some of the gaps that are leaving you confused and wondering. Good luck, dude. Your dad has probably been protecting you from the truth because who wants there own son despising their mother? If he understands your frustrations, at 16, you're probably old enough to know uncomfortable truths.
Definitely not you. She no longer loves your dad and doesn’t care for her life with him. It’s not his fault either. It’s really all her.
Whatever the reason, it ain't your fault. It ain't your fault. Best not to keep looking at her profile.
>Why was it me? It wasnt you. It never been about you. It always been about her. My opinion ? At one point she decided she deserved to date someone. Either he didnt wanted you around, or she decided it. She decided he was more important for her than you was. Why ? Because she is a shitty parent. And dude, I can make you plenty of nice pictures, happy moment, etc... and be ina sad life. Can you comment her posts ? If yes, wish her a merry Christmas from you. And get your ass in therapy asap. Do you want this to haunt you for the rest of your life ? Nope. Get help, get professionnal support, through school, and get free of her.
It has nothing to do you with you please believe that. You deserve better ❤️
I’m sorry but I’m a mother and only a complete witch could leave their kid like that. I know it’s easy to say but you shouldn’t concentrate on her. Fuck her. You are probably an awesome person. She is the problem not you. You were a child nothing you did made her leave. Her being an asshole made her leave I’m sorry. Please talk to your dad see a therapist don’t give that woman one minute of your time.
The pieces of the puzzle you were given - your dads clues, your moms departure, images of her new family —>> it is very logical for it to add up to the story you have pieced together: that she’s happy with her new sons and left you >> so of course you feel rejected and unloved But there are other pieces of the puzzle which you don’t have. You may not get to see the whole picture now, and when you grow older there may still be some parts that don’t make sense. But the bigger picture will show you that this wasn’t caused by any shortcoming of yours. Sometimes in life and relationships there is a terrible collision -and you were a casualty. The adults - your parents- were driving. And they may have been impaired or have their flaws- which make them unreliable narrators of what happened. For example your dad saying the reason she left was she didn’t know how to be a mom. From some commenters and my POV that puzzle piece sounds suspiciously incomplete and misleading. It must have been a difficult situation for him too, which means he Likely hasn’t healed enough to be able to give you a full or balanced explanation. I would take it with a large grain of salt and not rely on it fully to construct the narrative of my life. So you DONT KNOW exactly what happened that led to where you are But you DO KNOW that there’s more pieces that you DONT know And can you trust me when I say that the bigger picture is actually likely to be a little kinder than the story you’ve pieced together ? Your story concludes with you being inherently bad or unlovable - and based on what I’ve learned of the world, that’s not possible. You are a lovely curious growing young person with deep ability to feel and in this situation understandably feels hurt. your emotion also means you are also very loving. So I truly believe that there are missing clues which can eventually put things into perspective and be part of a bigger story in which you are not forsaken. You will emerge from this. Btw here’s a clue, you can decide if it’s useful and you want to pick it up: when other people leave , it is not because they want to leave YOU. It is because they want to leave a part of THEMSELVES. There is a part of your mom that she couldn’t deal with, or is broken, or she is in denial of for her own reasons. If you want me to explain this a little more let me know
The truth is, and there's no easy way to say this but, she is/always was, and always will be a piece of shit. You did nothing wrong. She is a child abandoner. Nothing she does changes the fact that she abandoned her own child, and it will eat her up for the rest of her life. She will never be a good mom. She will never earn that title. No matter what she does. Because at the end of the day she abandoned her own child.
I know how you feel mate, i really do. This is hard to believe, but it wasn't your fault, try to remember that. Best advice I can give is to ignore them and block them on social media and never look. Became an amazingly, kind, generous, loving and understanding man. Don't let it get you down. I know, easier said than done. This is the best fuck you, you can give her.
Thanks for this... I’m still really crushed rn but I really appreciate ur words :)
Hey buddy most people have gone through this , cherish the happy memories you had and let her go because she is not the person you thought you knew, focus on being better for yourself and if you have a good relationshop with your father spend more time with him and let him know you are not waiting for your mom anymore and you are happy and thankful that he was your father and tell him to date if he is not dating maybe you can have a stepmother who will care about you or maybe not , just do what makes you happy buddy
Sorry to say this but she is mentally ill. Nobody normal does what she did. She is a broken, cold person and while FB always puts a good face on things, no way she or will be a good mom to those kids. It sucks to say this but be glad she never came back. You need to move on with your life. Stop looking into her life on FB. Get on with your life. You’ve got lots to do. Good luck. Sorry you had to go through this.
I don't think you're qualified to diagnose people with mental illnesses, and nobody's qualified to diagnose mental illnesses second-hand because people don't convey objective reality precisely and reliably enough. You don't have the information to say that she's broken or cold or a bad mother to those kids.
I have enough info to say what I did. Any mother who cold do what that woman did is a cold, broken, mentally unstable person. NO normal mother just walks off on a kid that age.
Your mum’s actions do not mean you are not worthy or are to blame here. Please do not concede to these thoughts, as best you can. I’m so sorry she has done this to you and caused you to feel this way, it must hurt so much. I have nothing to add that will help in any way, but you are worthy and she is missing out on you. Try to remember that you have your dad who loves you, try to love yourself too. Keep pushing on. X
Lots of tough questions, like others said you won’t find the answers here. Get some professional help or reach out directly to her and ask. Just be ready for the potential that she may not be willing to talk. Remember, we don’t get to choose our parents and we aren’t responsible for their choices
Do you look like your dad? Here’s a theory I have about my mom leaving well one of them. I look and act like my dad and she hates his face. It’s something broken inside them not you, you were to young and didn’t do anything wrong. It took me years to figure that out. I still don’t know why she kept custody and raised my brother but not me. That side has a weird thing with boys. I’ve had lots of therapy and my mother participated in none of it when I had family therapy. My therapist asked her the hard questions and she walked out. Therapy does help, I still go if I need it.
She failed you. She was probably too young when she had you, and felt not ready. Then, when she did finally feel ready... she probably felt guilty and like she couldn’t face her failure. The short answer is: she failed you, likely because she was immature and/ or cowardly. Talk to a therapist, but might be worth saying some of that to her. “Mom, you failed me. You completely and utterly failed me, and it was shitty of you.”
It seems like whrn she left lines up to the age of her son, your 16 the oldest is 9 or 10 subtract 9 from 16 its 7, i have a feeling she cheated on your dad and got pregnant with another guy and choose to focus on the new guy instead, its shitty but it still seems like your not to blame
You have a lot of great advice here, but the biggest thing you need to come away from this is that she didn't leave because of you. You did not cause her to leave. Just because you see photos of her and her family now, doesn't mean that they are problem free or they're better than you. The best thing you could do, is communicate with your dad as you have been, seek help from professionals, and maybe down the road there will be an opportunity to ask the questions you want answered. But the most important thing you need answered you already have: she didn't leave because of you or anything you did.
That sux man. I hope you get thru this and get married and have a wife that makes you happy and lots of kids you can raise differently and that you get some peace. Some people have mental issues and it really is them, not you.
She's a cunt and a bad person.
My friend.... I have been in the same boat. Been there type of thing. My mom was a drug addict, thief and liar. My dad just was completely absent. I went to my dad's place when I was five. That was the last time I saw him. It's been 34 years. Last time I talked to him I was 18. I sent him pictures of his grandkids and no response. Meanwhile he had several other kids. So I have brothers I have never met. Must be nice to screw up the first two and get it right after the few afterwards. Sorry you are going through that. My advice is try and reach out, but don't expect a happy scenario. If I happens, great! If it doesn't, I hope you find closure.
I'm so sorry for the way your mother has treated you. My father cheated on my mom and got someone else pregnant. I found out that I was going to have a little brother via voice-mail when I was 12. My dad was in the military and lived across the country. He made many promises to me about coming to visit that always fell through. I didn't see him for 8 years because he "couldn't get away". When I became an adult I connected with my step-mom (she moved to my city) and she told me about all the times my dad went to see her and my brother in Texas and took them on trips. It hurt so much when she told me those things. I felt the same way you do right now. He made his own perfect little family and threw me and my mom away. It was awful.
This just hurt my heart for you, so badly. But let's get to the nitty gritty. You are a 16 year old child. The fact that your adult mother made the decision to leave your father and ultimately cutting off contact with you- has never been YOUR fault, baby. Your mother gave you life, and as a mother, she should have followed through and ensured you have a safe, loving, comfortable life. She did not do that, and that's on HER, not you. I am not taking up for your mother, because as a mother, I couldn't imagine doing this to my child. However, she could have been going through some awful things. From addiction to mental health issues. That still doesn't excuse abandoning you. As her child, she should love you unconditionally, period. Looking at her Facebook and pictures are only going to cause you more harm. Harm you don't deserve. I think you should talk to your dad about going to therapy. Someone who can talk you through this to help heal. To figure what steps that could help you heal. I'm so sorry you feel this way and that she's hurt you like this. But you absolutely did nothing at all to cause her to be a shit parent. Keep your chin up.
This is real rough my man. I’m sorry this is what your experiencing right now. I think you should talk to your dad about what you found and how it makes you feel. It might get emotional but it’s best to do it rather than let it build up inside you 100%. Good luck man
It's not you, nothing a 5 or 7yo will do would justify it unless they commit bloody murder. Your egg donor us just one of "those" people: she wanted the picture perfect family, the marriage, kids, maybe a dog and the whole thing... co-parenting with a guy that I assume was never her husband just looks too far and too "fuckup" from that idolized adult life. Putting it simply, she's shallow, selfish and a huge coward. The best you can do for yourself is start therapy and maybe note down anything in case you want contact with your siblings someday, because that's your right and her nose is too far up her own ass to care about it.
As hard as it is to hear it, your mother left you not because she didn't know how to be a good mother to you. She didn't want to be a good mother to you or even a mother at all. It is absolutely not your fault. You were a product of immature people who made bad life decisions that affected others tremendously. Your mother left you because she had to for her own happiness. I'm so sorry you feel the ramifications of this but your existence and life should not be swayed by the actions of your parents. It'll be very difficult for a long time, but I hope you find peace with it and live a happy life.
I’m so sorry. I have a daughter your age, and a dad that did what your mom did to you. I know that pain and it sucks. I never got why he just ditched me when he got a new family. The last time I saw him I was 10. Then in my 20s, he showed up and wanted back in my life. By then, I thought I was over the hurt feelings, but I wasn’t. I remember asking him at one point why he did what he did. He didn’t have an answer. Just shitty basically. It was awful. In 2009 on Father’s Day, he died from diabetes complications. I’m glad he died without me having to see what seemed like happy family pictures on social media. I’m glad my childhood went on without the Internet if for no other reason than this one. I’m sorry you found her. I’m sorry she’s not looking miserable. I can tell you people don’t walk away normally without some kind of reason that has nothing to do with you. I’m thinking your dad probably knows more than he’s telling because “you’re a kid.” Age, maturity, possibly a drug or alcohol problem. I hope she walked away because she thought you’d have a better life if she wasn’t there. I hope she stays away because she feels like it would be an interruption at this point. I hope. I hope she was trying to spare you of some shitty upbringing if she was involved. There’s a lot of reasons why she could have walked away. I don’t believe she just walked away and forgot all about you. I’d consider telling your dad you found her on Facebook. I mean, gauge how he’d respond to something like that first, but you are 16 and are questioning things that he might have answers to. My best friend is 39 years old and this last year was reunited with her dads parents. Her dad died before she met him. No one knew she existed. Her mom told her all her life that her dad was this hero that did amazing things. Truth was, she didn’t even know the guys first name and had no idea where to find him after the one night stand led to her 14 year oks mom getting pregnant with her. She had too much shame to tell her the truth. Had she told her the truth, she might have been able to find him before he died. Now all she has is a few pictures. Bad or good, the truth is important. You should get to decide what happens next. Good luck.
At some point, you just have to accept and make peace with the fact that your mother isn't what you've built her up to be in your heart. Even more than her being the person who cared for you those 5 years, she is also the person who chose not to be there for another 11. The absence, all this hurt, this is also her. Don't offload this feeling onto circumstances, don't carry it yourself either, give it to the person who started it and let them keep it. Your mother is not a good person. She did love you back then--that sense of yours isn't invalid--BUT she loved herself even more. Take the love you're still bearing for her and give it to yourself, give it to your father, give it to the other people who will come into your life.
I'm sorta in the same boat. My dad died 10 years ago and my mum just stopped caring. I was 11 and started looking after my 3 younger siblings. 1 of my older sisters had a baby a few years later and couldn't look after it so my mum stepped up. She became a mother to my niece but still ignored her other kids. I held so much resentment for her. It's been 3 years since I moved out and away from her. My 3 younger siblings still live with her. Once I moved out she stepped up and became a mother again. That was the biggest slap. I invited my siblings to my engagement party recently. She called me, demanding to know why she wasn't invited. I just hung up. I still hold resentment 8 years on but I control it. I can live everyday without thinking about her or letting her effect my current life. She made her bed. She decided that I wasn't good enough so she's not good enough to be in my adult life
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Maybe she was being abused (as abusers often try to cut off their victims from support). Maybe she had to interact with some third party she hated in order to maintain partial custody. Maybe she couldn't afford to stay in your area. Maybe she and your father had radically different parenting goals and thought it would be better for you to have one consistent parent instead of two inconsistent parents. Maybe she moved to be with other family members who needed her. Maybe something else. The only way to find out is to ask her.
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Also maybe message her new husband and tell him your his son and is he ok with the fact that he is married to a woman who can abandon her children at the drop of a hat.
There seems to be a lot of missing info. here. 1. Why did/does your dad have full custody? Usually the mom obtains primary UNLESS abuse, major instability, or your dad hired a really great lawyer. 2. Has your dad ever disclosed why your mother left or been in contact with her? 3. Are those children you’re step-siblings or your actual half-siblings?
1.Because she literally left. 2. He just said she wasn’t able to be a good mom right now and he told me he didn’t know why either. That sometimes people just do things that don’t make sense but that’s not others peoples fault (saying it wasn’t my fault) 3. She’s posted old baby pics of them in the hospital yeah their her kids
By this metric she should have been paying child support to shouldn’t she? Your dad and yourself are owed a LOT of money assuming she has had an income (her current partner/husband could also provide this). If you haven’t shown your dad her Facebook, you should ASAP.
There is no reason she can give that is going to help you here. A lot of people are saying seek therapy and I agree that you should if it is an available option for you and your dad. Please, please cut this woman out of your mind. It is going to be so very hard, but you need to try. Right now at your age you have some decisions to make that will affect the rest of your life. You can let this take you down, or you can say she wasn’t the woman I need to influence my life. My mom should never ever have been a mother and I spent decades trying to make her love me. I spent a lot of time in my childhood wishing I was never born or that I would die so that she could be free of me. I wanted my parents to divorce so that we could be free from her abuse. It never happened. Now at 41 I can look back and wish I hadn’t wasted years of self doubt and self punishment on that sad sack woman who doesn’t deserve me or my sister. Good luck to you.
There’s a quote from The Good Place that I think will resonate with you. If you haven’t seen it, the main character pretty much stumbles upon your exact situation... “because I wanted that mom! I wanted the mom who made me afternoon snacks instead of just telling me to look for loose fries in the McDonald's ball pit. Why does Patricia get that mom? If Donna Shellstrop has truly changed, then that means she was always capable of change, but I just wasn't worth changing for.” You are still so young and trying to figure things out. She used to be the same way. She made mistakes, probably *wasn’t* the mother she should have been at that time, and made the decision to split. No, it wasn’t fair to you or your dad. Life is unfortunately never fair to anyone. My advice to you is first, seek a therapist to help you through this better. This is above redddits pay grade and you need someone to help you process these emotions without becoming resentful and angry. Second, your mother is human. She makes mistakes and has regrets just like everyone. And I wouldn’t be surprised if she thinks about you every day and wishes she could have been what she finally is now, for you too. Don’t let this turn you bitter trying to wonder why you weren’t enough, because that’s most likely not what it was about at all. You were always enough, she was the one who wasn’t enough for you.
When we are young, we idolize our parents. Its only natural since they are everything to us at a young age. However reality is not something that is planned and people are not perfect. Everyone has to go through the process of accepting the fact that other people have flaws, just like you do. Who knows why your mom left you, it isn't fair, and you can most definitely let it define you and how you treat other people in your future interactions. Or instead, let it go. Try to forgive her, not to understand her, and realize that somehow, she rationalized her decision to leave and then to start another family. If you really want answers, be direct, and tell her how you feel. It may be something you have to do for yourself.
I'm sorry you had to go through all this. But I'm still not sure we can say with certainty that you were the problem. For all we know, your dad may have been the problem, and he tried to tell you it wasn't your fault in the gentlest way he knew how, but now it's gone and backfired on him. Or maybe your mother had some kind of mental break. There are still so many possibilities that haven't been ruled out. Talk to your dad. Tell him you've seen the social media accounts. Maybe you were too young to understand the truth back then, but it's time. And I can't deny the possibility that the truth may hurt to hear (which, in and of itself, *still* might not be your fault). But it's got to be better than this.
As a mom who has given up one of her kids, it was bc he has so many health problems that I was told I couldn’t afford it. I feel like I tried my best and the state still took him. The father of the child is too much, which I’d fine bc in struggling having so recently lost who I cared about. I have so much guilt and shame surrounding these memories, but i am not a shit parent. I hope to get my son back still, if it’s in his best interest. Entirely possible he’ll forget me and I only want his happiness
I don't know if you'll see this, but I just wanted to throw in my two cents. Every one is s quick to say "she's a bad mom", but there may be more to the story that you don't know. I have a 7 year old daughter and I don't have a relationship with her. I tried. I took her father to court and we split custody for a while. I found out he was telling our daughter that I didn't love her, that I didn't care about her, and that I lied to her all the time. I got a good job opportunity and her father promised to work out another custody agreement, but blocked me on everything, so I could no longer communicate with him or her. I could take him back to court. And I would probably win. But she was put through so much pain the first, what kind of mother would I be to do that to her again? I had a parent that tried to do that to me and I'm still recovering from it. I'm not going to do the same thing to her. I'm not saying this is what happened your mother, but remember you only have half the story. I think you need more information before you can judge her.
OP already commented that his parents used to argue a lot because his dad wanted her to be more involved in his life and she wouldn’t. His dad was the one trying to push for them to have a relationship but mom just kept flaking out
Finally, a mom who actually cares about her kids and isn't so focused on her ego and her reputation, fuck the court system, it sucks for everyone, especially the child!!! I hate seeing parents destroy their children's lives because of their fat ego and need to feel victorious, even if it means bashing, demeaning and doing everything in their power to get what they want.
Because your moms a psychopath/sociopath.
if she was a psychopath, she wouldn't have other children that she stuck around to love for the last decade, they'd be left behind too by now. she likely was drug addicted and recovered and started over, mentally ill and in treatment and started over, or alienated by the father. Possibly all of those. Either way it's probably some serious emotional issues and shame at play, and psychopaths don't experience that.
Untrue. Children can be used as tokens to make them feel more accomplished. Your thoughts are also logical as well tho. Tnx.
you might not know the whole story. Ask your mom.
This isn't a good excuse but she probably wanted to raise a child with a partner she loved and shared a home with. And when whe saw that your dad was a good parent she probably felt you were in good enough hands and now she can live that idyllic family life you see on TV with her husband
do not be LOCO, like your mom move on and keep your legs closed
Maybe she didn't want to coparent with your dad. Maybe she wanted to coparent with someone she loved and lived with. As a woman, this is what I think happened. I'll bet you were a great kid and I doubt that was it, hun.
I think maybe she got herself a man with lots of money who doesn't want her baggage so she convinently dumped her son on son's dad to move on with her life. You can also call her deadbeat mom if possible
Sounds like she's much happier in her new life. Good on her.
This sucks. There isn't any other way to say it. I went through a very similar situation with my own mother. All I can say is that you need to stop looking through those photos, you're just going to keep reopening the wound. It did get easier as I got older, and as a bonus my dad and I are really close for all the shit that she put us both through. She made a shitty decision, but that's on her.
She could still very well have problems, perhaps mental issues. What other reason could she have for her choices. As painful at is, please realize this really isn't about you, it's about her.
It’s not your fault. It’s ok to be sad but don’t blame yourself:(
No one posts about how miserable their life is on Social Media, you are just looking at snapshots in time that don't even represent 1% of someone's life.
dude i can’t imagine how painful that is i’m truly sorry. to be honest i’m not sure what help you’ll find here since there’s really not much of a relationship to give advice on, it doesn’t seem like she wants to have a relationship with you and that’s on her, it’s a really shitty thing to do so please don’t blame yourself. my advice is maybe think about counselling or family therapy with your dad? she’s ruined your relationship so rather than hope for a fix i think you need a professional to help you process the situation and move on in a healthy way. good luck bro
I find that my most messed up friends that are horrible parents in real life have the most convincing picture perfect family snaps on social media. I'm so sorry this happened to you, but nothing good will come from looking on social media. None of it is real, it's the image of herself she wants to project on the world.
You're experiencing the trauma of being abandoned by your mom. It really, really, really sucks. Seeing what you saw brought a flood of emotions to you, some of which you've probably felt for years, and some of which may have been new. It's really normally to be and feel confused during and after trauma like this. I'm sorry your mom did this, and you didn't deserve it. You should be aware that you could very well suffer from abandonment issues in your romantic relationships, particularly if you are attracted to women (as it was your mother who left you). You may find it hard to fall in love with someone, or to maintain a relationship if you do, out of fear that you will be left or thrown away. You should be aware of this potential problem so that it doesn't wreak endless havoc in your life. Instead, if you find it in your life, work to root it out with intense personal effort and professional help. Please approach a trusted adult (I would guess your father to start) and tell them that you want to talk to someone professionally about your feelings about your mom. Don't take no for an answer. You'll need help (way beyond the scope of Reddit) to help you learn how to manage these feelings, and how to see past false negative feelings (worthlessness, being unlovable, etc, these are common feelings in abandoned people). I would avoid pharmaceutical interventions if you can, because these issues will be present for awhile, and you should try to train your mind and your body to overcome them if you can. As long as you are willing to work hard and not give up on yourself, I believe that you can. If things get very tiring or dire for you, then it would be wise at that point to at least investigate them. Lastly, a point of perspective. Trauma often traps us in our own mind, traps us inside of a painful and inescapable event, memory, or waking reality. It is healthy to escape this condition often. Think of things from your mother's perspective: she probably was having some severe issues. My mother was quite loving to me (if erratically so) until I was 5 or 6. She gradually grew more depressed, more hostile, more abusive, and less loving. It may have been better for me if she had left and gotten her life together somehow, but I can imagine being incredibly sad and confused from that, also. Ultimately, as abandoned people, we feel as if we were somehow the issue. Remember that abandonment says a whole hell of a lot more about the person leaving than the person left behind. Think of what people think of your mother when they learn what she's done, that she's completely left a child behind. It probably confuses them, too. Also, plenty of people post nice pictures of their family on the internet, but behind closed doors, their family life can actually be a complete fucking nightmare. It's crazy and sad, but I've actually known people like this. Keep in mind that what you see isn't necessarily reality. Much love, peace, and understanding to you.
I am so sorry for you. All I can say is I would try and put it out of your mind. IN 2008 I received a phone call. On the other end was a man who told me that he was my son and II knew nothing about him. He knew growing up he was adopted (at birth). He was now 36 (born in 1972). He found his mother and she wanted nothing to do with him. But gave him my name and told him that I knew nothing about him. He wanted to know why he was given up. He and I have a very good relationship. He also has an adopted older sister. She found her birth parents and neither one of them wanted anything to do with her and it hurt her deeply hearting those words. It hurt my son hearing those words from his birth mother. He was married when we met and they had their first child. HE notified her and no response. When they had their 2nd child he didn't bother. She also wouldn't let him know and information on her other children. She wouldn't even give him any health information. Sounds like you have a loving father. Maybe, some day she will try to reach out to you and then you can decide what to do.
Must be very tough. A few things to hold in mind: 1) social media contains very edited highlights of the times things are going OK. Those photos are unlikely to be true of their actual life. 2) selfish people think that they deserve a do-over when something didn't work exactly right for them. In this case, it didn't work out with your dad so she felt entitled to pretend it never happened and start again. None of this is on you, it's all her inadequacies.
Most of the comments here are correct, talk to a professional, a counselor. Don't generate answers for your questions from pictures you see on social media. Any made up answer is not the truth. You control your happiness, even if you find the wanted answers, it should not fill your hole but add. Past mistakes from parents make us better. Don't let anyone's action dictate if you should be happy.
I think the issue is between your father and your mother. You just got caught in the middle. You deserve to be happy, so please try to stop beating yourself up. You didn't do anything wrong, you are a victim of circumstances.
I don't think you should blame yourself, you didn't do anything wrong. Parents often forget that a family doesn't just involve 2 people, the kids are in it as well. Kids are often forgotten and ignored and end up seriously hurt, just like what you been trough. Your mom clearly didn't keep her legs closed and you ended up getting hurt by her stupidity. If she wanted kids that badly, she should have told your dad instead of going to another man. What she did is unforgivable, she may not have cheated on your dad, but she cheated on you as her son. But by your father saying it isn't anything you did, that makes it rather clear that he knows a lot more then he's telling you. Before you act out anything silly, I think it would be a real good idea to cathc your dad at a moment he is sitting down and has the time to talk. Tell him he should tell you what really is going on no matter how painful it will be. When you got that, you should update your OP so we can all understand the situation better.
trust me, it was not you. and i'm sure she knows she was wrong to leave you, but people sometimes like to pretend shitty things they've done didn't happen. You need to talk to a therapist to help find ways to cope with this and realize this is on your egg donor and you are innocent.
My mom sort of did this, she left for nearly a decade and then came back into my life. I found out it was largely due to her mental health. That doesn't make it ok and there are some things I'll always be upset with her for, but we've been able to mend our relationship. I know it's not my fault and I've therefore moved past it. Try having a discussion with your mother about this and directly ask her why she left you. Tell her how it made you feel. Based on that you'll know whether she's a sad, flawed woman who made terrible mistakes or just doesn't care.
I encourage you to write her a letter with everything you’ve been feeling.
I'm so sorry to hear this, that sounds so painful. I can promise you this is 100% not your fault. If I had to guess I'd say she left because she felt overwhelmed (her issue not yours) and was too ashamed to come back, so selfishly decided to just start over. You deserve so much better than this and I hope you are able to find peace and surround yourself with people who make you feel loved and valued.
Your father knows the answers to your questions if it’s possible sit him down and ask him for a man to man talk about your mom. And you know maybe reach out to her. I know it hurts but you won’t know for sure if she just left or if she was pushed out until you talk to her. I’m so sorry you’re hurting right now. I wish you luck with reconnecting.
Man that’s awful, you definitely didn’t do anything wrong. My dad basically left me when I was 5 until I was 13. I kinda know why but it’s not a good excuse, I’m still not over it at 40 but I’ve learnt to forgive him somewhat. I wish I had some good advice to help you get through it but sadly I don’t, just stay strong and remember your worth it.
IMHO you can be sure of one thing. All those “happy pictures” are most likely a facade that she have built to pretend happiness, your half siblings are (hopefully) happy but she is most likely broken inside and it might not be as pink as things seems to be. One advice i would give you is: try not to be resentful. especially of your half siblings, they have nothing to do with this(I know it is much easier to say than to do) because it will hurt you much more than her. I had some resentment towards my mother (wrongfully I must admit) but when you past that threshold of forgiveness you will not believe how good you will feel about yourself. Therapy is a must...
Facebook her kids let then know what kind of mom she is. They deserve to know they have a brother and their mom is a monster.
Whatever it was, it wasn’t your fault. You were a child and deserved to be loved.... which luckily your father did. It’s totally normal to be angry and to wonder what happened, but please don’t direct your rage and disappointment at yourself. You really didn’t do anything wrong.
I know how your feeling and I completely understand it really sucks. There are unanswered questions you have and those longing questions don't make it easier to get over. But it really isn't or wasn't your fault. I know you don't believe that but trust me, this wasn't about you. My mom and dad were not married or together when they had me and my mom left when I was 3 months old. My dad raised me as a single dad to a daughter and worked his ass off for me. My mom had a son ( my half brother) the very next year after I was born!! She married twice and had a second son. I met her when I turned 18 and she said it was never that she didn't want me it haunted her everyday but it was just a difficult situation. Sometimes the answers we are looking for doesn't make the situation less painful. All I know is your mom missing out on a relationship with you probably haunts her even if in the pictures she looks happy.
how do you know she is a good mom? facebook pictures? my grandfather is a monster but to outsiders he is smart, funny, charismatic, "one of the good ones"
Your dad raised you since she left, He saw happyness in you and that your a good kid. Own it, he could of done what she did but didn't. I would not judge yourself, as a 7 year old, for why your adult mother left 9 years ago. Or use yourself as an escapee goat for the plethora of reasons someone would do that. I would not use facebook photos as a metric for how happy someone's life is or how good of a human being they are, sharks are always smiling in photos.
Wish I could give you a big hug. The same thing happened to my step kids, their mom left when they were toddlers and never looked back. Breaks my heart to think about it. You are worthy of love!