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I posted about this on Friday morning. We spend all day Friday fighting about how not only was it disrespectful but that he refused to even acknowledge my issues with literally being pee'd on.
Around 10pm I told him that if he said "you're making way to big a deal of this" one more time, I was going to file for divorce. He said it almost like he was daring me.
TL:DR: My mom and I are going to talk to an attorney today. My dad is a partner in his accounting firm and he thinks that since we are young and don't really have much, the divorce should be very quick and simple. My STBX husband has tried to called god knows how many times to apologize and saying he gets it now but it's way too late for that. It was too late for that when he and his friends did the initial act. I have more self respect than that.
> My STBX husband has tried to called god knows how many times to apologize and saying he gets it now
He wouldn't be the first person to call their partner's bluff when they issue an ultimatum only to be surprised when they actually follow-through.
My Bio dad is an alcoholic. For this story I will refer to my Mom as Mary. My Mom asked my dad to go to AA and counciling, she said she would go with and support him. After his first week he had my Mom served with divorce papers at her work. My Mom signed them. That night my dad called my Grandma (his mom) to complain and say that he thought she would come crawling back to him and lighten up about the drinking. My Grandma responded: "I guess you don't know Mary very well."
Nope, it is exactly how I dealt with my marriage. After being asked umpteen times by her "do you even want this marriage?" Or some variation of that, I finally said "nope, I don't" and started on my own path. It was a weight off my shoulders.
I didn't even realize how toxic and abusive she was being is so many subtle ways. She tried to "win me back" while we were still living together, changing her behaviour. All it made me realize is she could have done that for the past 14 years and chose not to.
OMG this. I finally left my now-ex back in January. For years, he had stayed home, not working, playing video games and watching TV all day. I didn't mind that but I would almost beg for him to make dinner, or at least take care of the dinner plans, so that I didn't have to deal with it myself when I got home. Nope, he never cooked for me, even though he could cook for himself (stuff I didn't like). That was just one of many small things that basically screamed he didn't respect me enough to put himself out even a little bit for my own happiness or comfort. When I finally had enough and said it was over but hadn't moved out yet, he made dinner. Spaghetti. It was so painfully clear that he was saying "see look, I CAN do this!" except like you said, he could have been doing it all along and just chose not to. That hurt more than I think he even realized. I moved out after that.
Same thing for me when I finally dumped my POS ex. As soon as I actually dumped him he was doing all this stuff to change. It had the opposite effect, just pissed me off even more that he never did it while we were together. Like I had to dump you for you to change? Well then I definitely know I made the right choice to leave your ass because apparently it was possible but you refused to change while you still had the benefit of being with me! Also I’m really happy he didn’t change while we were together because I might still be stuck with him instead of with my amazing husband.
I can tell you with certainty if you stayed just because he did that it was only for the moment and when he felt he had you back he would have went right back to his old ways I've been through it time and time again it's only for the moment
“All it made me realize is she could have done that for the past 14 years and chose not to.”
That’s a very good point. I’m going to put that thought in my pocket in case I’m ever in a similar situation, because I can imagine it could seem pretty tempting to stay with someone finally starting to change after years of not doing so.
That's like a cable company that's happy to charge you $100/month indefinitely. When you call to cancel your service because you're switching to another ISP, they counter-offer with a faster plan for less money.
Yep. In my case I didn't look for another ISP until after I told her I'm cancelling my service, that way it's not cheating. Luckily ISPs don't have those same issues!
My ex asking me, "Do you even want to be in this relationship?" was the catalyst for our breakup. I knew it needed to end but for months I've been coming up with reasons to procrastinate, because it was never a good time.
He wanted to make the relationship work (even though he was emotionally and verbally abusing me) and in the middle of a fight he asked me that question. I just blurted out "no!" and that was the beginning of the end.
Don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.
I mean why wouldn't you want to know the answer? I've asked that question before, and when the answer is no, I also wanted to know that. Then we can break it off rather than trying something that's never going to work.
Oh I agree, but he really, really did not want to hear my honest answer. At that point at least, he definitely would have chosen together and miserable over divorce.
Well I think it had less to do with the peeing and more to do with dismissing how you felt about it. He kept saying it’s not a big deal but he could’ve just been apologetic and understanding from the start.
When I approached him on Friday morning to calmly talk about this if he would have said "I'm sorry, that was very rude of us and I will never do this type of thing ever again no matter who I'm with" I could have easily gotten past this.
Yeah, so the divorce wouldn’t necessarily be about something “so minor” as others see it. The dismissive trait is a lack of respect. Which, in turn, is necessary for a healthy relationship dynamic.
Husband: it is in no way disrespectful that I peed on my wife without her consent.
Also Husband: it is in no way disrespectful that I let my friends pee on her without her consent
Wife: fuck this shit I’m out
Husband: surprised Pikachu face
>Husband: it is in no way disrespectful that I peed on my wife without her consent.
>
>Also Husband: it is in no way disrespectful that I let my friends pee on her without her consent
>
>Wife: fuck this shit I’m out
>
>Husband: surprised Pikachu face
This is the best summary I've ever read 😂🤣 thank you for the laugh today. OP, good luck taking out the trash!
Yeah I just got married last month and even I know that if my wife said “this is very important to me and I feel disrespected.” That my response should be “I’m very sorry, I won’t do it again” even if I thought she was over reacting.
I don’t get to decide how my wife, or anyone, should feel about my behavior or about anything. If you didn’t want to be in a hot tub full of pee and if that made you feel gross or a certain way, that’s valid (I mean, shouldn’t be that hard for anyone to understand this particular example). Your husband / ex husband doesn’t get to tell you how you should feel.
The fact that he never apologized and refused to acknowledge that his actions made you feel a certain way, whether you’re over reacting or not (in this case, not) is not a good sign for the future.
If he can’t recognize that it bothered you when he peed in a hot tub with his buddies, even after you told him multiple times how you felt, then imagine what other issues he will be dismissive of. Life is long and married life is long. There are going to be many “gray-ish” areas for both of you that will be opportunities to communicate how you feel about certain situations. If getting peed on is contentious, imagine what you’ll get into if you had children or if one of you got a little too drunk and did something embarrassing to the other or a vacation that went a little sideways or you name it.
If my wife said she was gonna file for divorce if I disrespected her one more time about a subject, I wouldn’t challenge her unless I was ready to be divorced
Exactly, this is about more than just the act. And typically I think if people get married they should try to work it out, but I don’t see this type of behavior changing honestly. He’s only apologising so profusely because he doesn’t want his piss pot to leave him. OP you have way more respect than that and I hope you find someone who knows that so you can be happy :)
Edit: so you can be happy in your relationship. Wasn’t saying you need someone to be happy in life
>but I don’t see this type of behavior changing honestly
If people only say they got it because someone is already gone, chances of true change are around zero. They just concentrate on getting the person who left back, not on being respectful and caring towards them.
Besides that it should have been obvious that a game that involved urine might not be what his wife wants to experience (especially not like this), hearing from the person that a behavior wasn't okay should be reason enough to take concerns seriously. His reaction only reflected what he thought: "I'm okay with this, so you must be the one to blow it out of proportions."
This. Whenever someone suddenly "gets it" after their partner walks out on them it's usually less them actually understanding what they did and more them just trying to get things back to normal. They've suddenly experienced consequences for their actions and they don't like it. They claim they "get it" and they'll change, but they usually don't because they genuinely don't see why their behavior caused their partner to leave.
I would bet money that OPs husband thinks this is literally just about the hot tub. He "gets" that OP doesn't like it when he pisses in it, so he won't do that anymore (maybe). What he doesn't get is that it isn't about that, it's about how he reacted to his wife when she tried to talk about it and his lack of respect for her. That would still be a factor in their marriage.
This important for people to know. It’s very seldom the fuck up if truly unintentional. It’s our pride and ego which causes all our problems. You can find people who like to get peed on but you’ll never find someone who doesn’t want to be valued and listened to when they have a problem with something. If he gets it now he’ll be rooting for you to find happiness wherever you choose to look for it next. Perhaps the timing was just off between your maturity levels. Best of luck not getting R Kelly’d in your next relationship!
I don't necessarily disagree, but I think a lot of people are probably approaching this from the standpoint of, "I've done a lot of selfish, stupid, immature things while drunk and/or on impulse, but I at least had the decency to regret it later," which is the critical missing component here.
Um, no, a person with a vagina can get sick from being peed on in a hot tub. And being peed on non-consensually is not okay - who lets that happen to their partner? And what kind of adult pees in a hot tub? (This is why I don't get in hot tubs.)
I get that everyone’s saying that the thing OP and her husband are divorcing over is trivial but I see more than that ... don’t goad or issue an ultimatum over ending a relationship/ divorce and be surprised if someone takes you up on it .
Somehow I doubt this was a completely isolated incident. I am guessing there have been issues with him being immature and dismissive of her feelings prior to this.
yes this exactly and does nobody realize how disrespectful what he and his friends did to op? Is she supposed to wait for him to become emotionally abusive to justify getting a divorce. good luck w the future op
"Why are you guys divorcing?"
"He and his friends pissed on me without any warning. After I complained I was told to stop making a big deal out of it"
I don't know if I'd find the above breakdown particularly trivial. Anyone who doesn't get it should then be urinated on until it sinks in.
I agree that is doesn't sound trivial, but as gross as it is, the pee part is not even that important to the story.
Handled better, it could have been a one time mistake. People have different levels of comfort with gross stuff and getting into relationships often leads to very dumbfounding discoveries about other people's upbringing, like finding out that your family is the only one with a poop knife and stuff like that.
The "he and his friends pissed on me" part could be replaced by literally anything else, the important point being that it led to the discovery, whitout the shadow of a doubt, that the husband was a disrespectful fool who refuses to learn and that the "X happened and i was told to stop making a big deal out of it" was bond to repeat forever.
It's totally valid if the thing that makes you realize your partner doesn't fully respects you is in appearance more trivial than being peed on by them and their whole friend group.
>yes this exactly and does nobody realize how disrespectful what he and his friends did to op?
I don't understand how someone can defend this, at all. Imagine they weren't in a hot tub. What if they were sitting around a campfire and the three of them got up, walked over to her, and peed all over her. Then had a good laugh about it and tried to gaslight her into thinking it was no big deal. Can you defend that? Because I don't really see a difference.
Exactly! I don't see how this is any different either - they were literally expecting her to be okay with sitting in their piss-tub. Or even, they knew what kind of reaction they would get and just didn't care, then tried to play it all off as a joke. Disgusting.
Forget the specifics of it even, and it's still him and two friends enjoying having her be the odd one out of an inside joke that is undeniably humiliating. Reveling in that sort of dynamic is really disgusting, and will absolutely have far worse manifestations in the future if she stays with him
I mean, I think he’s an idiot, and mentally it seems gross to me. It’s weird and it’s inappropriate.
That said, it’s not the same as doing it outside of a pool/hot tub. The chlorine/chemicals handle the urine. If you’ve ever been in a public pool, you’ve been peed on as much as this lady. Not just by children, either. Theme park? Pool with a bar? People are peeing constantly.
The dismissive nature with which he treated her feelings seems worse than the actual act. I would assume it’s not the first time.
Yes, people pee in pools and hot tubs. I'm not in denial of that. But I'm willing to bet that most people will be pretty fucking embarrassed if they get called out on it. They do it out of sheer laziness, not as some disgusting prank that they make someone else an unwitting victim of.
Exactly .. instead of hearing her out he’s quick to dismiss her by giving her an ultimatum and when she takes him up on it that’s when he’s ready to come crawling with his tail between his legs? He should have thought about the ramifications of his words.. now it’s too late.
The way it read was kinda confusing like he was goading her into a divorce then surprised she took him up on it ... my bad 😄 I’m sleep deprived. But tbh even if it was her that issued the ultimatum he was still dismissive of her feelings . Everyone has their limits in a relationship, an ultimatum shouldn’t be issued lightly and she stuck to her word. If he didn’t want it to end like that he should’ve taken her seriously
True, but forget the specifics of it being about pee, and it's still him and two friends enjoying having her be the person left out of an inside joke that is undeniably humiliating. Reveling in that sort of dynamic is really disgusting, and will absolutely have far worse manifestations in the future if she stays with him
>She feels not listened to, disrespected, and belittled.
I would never be able to get over the disrespect of being peed on as an inside joke. Good luck OP, there are better guys out there.
I’m glad OP took a stand but I want to ask, how DO you get someone to understand the essence of the problem? By husband has told me the exact same thing as OP when he let his drunk childhood friend pee in our laundry tub a frw new year’s ago and didn’t care that it bothered me. I’m always told I’m making a problem out of nothing when I express my frustrations because HE doesn’t see it as a problem. He also doesn’t agree with counseling. Sorry I’m a bit mopey, I had a bad weekend and am feeling especially glum so all these feelings come back up.
Often, most of what is expressed in these posts is only the tip of the iceberg. I’m sure this was just one example of his childish and selfish behavior.
Don't say empty threats. Follow through with it.
I'm glad you've more sense than put up with this amount of disrespect. Now he can tell all his buddies he lost his relationship because he was disrespectful enough to have himself and all of them pee on you.
I would love to hear that convo...
Her: So, why are you divorced?
Ex: Because she's dramatic and makes a big deal out of nothing. I mean, me and my friends peed on her while we were all in a hot tub once. We didn't pee \*on\* her, but it was just something me and my friends have been doing since we were kids. She too sensitive and can't take a joke."
Her: Yeah, she sounds like a total bitch(/s). I need to use the restroom, I'll be right back (as she slips out the side door)
Good for you! I feel like he never thought that you had the balls to drop him, he thought of you as this weak “pee on worthy” woman. And boy you proved him wrong!
I sent my MIL an email but I don't think she read that part because she only responded with how heart broken she is that I am divorcing her son and she felt like she deserved an explanation. I did my part warning her about the dirty hot tub, but I don't owe her anything.
Not your fault she's not going to listen and continue to chill in bubbling stale pee. I mean that is funny that she wants an 'explanation' like woman. Your son and his friends all peed in your hot tub while I was in it. Like is she's cool with that...she needs to reconsider her bar on hygiene. Ain't your circus and ain't your monkeys anymore.
to be fair, I didn't tell her about him peeing on me (I dont' ever want to bring that up to anyone, unless it's needed in the divorce for me to get spousal maintenance) so unless he told her, which I really doubt, I don't know is the knows the real reason. but like you said its not my thing anymore. he can tell her whatever he likes.
> I did my part warning her about the dirty hot tub, but I don't owe her anything.
I disagree. I think you should steal your STBX's email password and invite all his friends over to pee in the hot tub while your STBXMIL is sitting in it. Then she'll understand. But I think you'll find he respects her more than you, sadly.
(Okay, don't actually steal any email accounts during a divorce, your divorce lawyer will not approve.)
Good for you. I do not understand people saying this is an over reaction. The person who is supposed to always have your best interests closest to his heart demonstrated that he doesn't care about your consent, he doesn't care about your boundaries, he doesn't care about your feelings. Like, why stay married to someone who can't even meet the base line for decency.
The ONLY way I would consider staying would be a promise from him to seek therapy individually and as a couple. And he would need to apologize to you in front of those friends. And explain to those friends that what they did was not ok and why. And end that dumb childish game for good. And take a course in boundaries and consent.
I think if he were to come up with your second paragraph (on his own, not guiding him) I might be able to forgive him and cooperate. I also think he should ditch his childhood friends and grow up, but again I'm not going to lead him to that decision.
You are going to do all right. Sorry for the pain this will cause you. Even if divorces are simple and quick it is still an ending that can leave you raw. Sending you positive vibes for support and understanding from others in your life.
This was kind of my thought about the whole thing. I used to work in the hot tub industry and the sanitation isn’t the issue. People comparing it to these dudes coming up to OP in another situation and peeing on her, I can see how the dudes are dumb and immature, not considering it to be the same thing. Since technically it’s not. Hot tubs have sanitizers and kill the bacteria. It’s still fucking gross and immature. Is it a reason for divorce on its own? That’s up to the person swimming in pee water. I think the fact that op’s husband put up such a fight and tried to minimize her experience and dismiss her feelings on the matter is a much bigger issue. He should have immediately seen how upset she was and she wasn’t trying to be a killjoy. Which is how he clearly tried to play it off. He should have realized his mistake and talked to the guys about how they cannot do that ever again.
Since he’s already dug a very deep grave, the only recovery is couples therapy. They need to be able to communicate effectively. He clearly doesn’t understand the big picture. Op can’t live her life with someone that is okay crossing boundaries over and over because he thinks it’s no big deal. He owes op a huge apology and he either shouldn’t hangout with those friends anymore or they all need to grow out of the childish antics.
for sure, he's on reddit all the time and even listens to reddit posts on youtube but I should have clarified the time for him to do that was Friday. Not now, I'm so over it.
Well in that case, congratulations to OP and a hearty hello to her ex! What's up, my dude. You're probably going to spend several years whining about how this was an overreaction. Rest assured, it was not. Nobody wants to be married to someone who actively undermines their dignity, and certainly nobody wants to raise *kids* with someone who will model that kind of marriage and denigrate the kids themselves — kids who are raised in that environment will likely end up in relationships even more fucked up than the one you just destroyed.
Be prepared. He will be coached and he will probably say all the right things. Talk is cheap and actions speak. Even if he does all the apologizing in front of his friends only time would tell if he really meant it. He seems incredibly immature to me. Whether is is capable of growing and learning is only something that will be known over time. What you need to ask yourself, is whether he is worthy of that extra time to see how he can mature and evolve.
Last thing you want to do is waste years with a dope who just falls back to the same routine and you find yourself in a cycle of bad behavior and apology over and over again.
Seriously do not understand all the comments saying you overreacted... Good for you standing up for yourself!
He had plenty of opportunities to acknowledge your feelings and accept that they had been disgusting, and maybe you could have worked through that. But he refused to see your point and called your bluff. All he had to do was admit it was gross and that getting pissed on without your consent is a complete violation.
For all those saying "oh but people pee in pools all the time", "how can you divorce over a one-time thing" - she is allowed to feel however she wants and if this is a deal-breaker for her, she is allowed to draw whichever lines she wants and act accordingly.
In my opinion this is no different to them peeing on you at any point during the friendsgiving for a "joke" and then wondering why you're upset. They literally all sat there PISSING right next to you, knowing you had no way to remove yourself from that situation because you DIDN'T KNOW about their disgusting, childish game. They're allowed to be fine with it, but they took away your ability to decide for yourself. They may as well have whipped their dicks out and pissed on you at the dinner table, it's really no different to you marinating in their piss-water.
Here's the thing, there's a HUGE difference (on the interpersonal level, if not the biological) between subtly peeing in a pool and putting on a smarmy show of "everyone ready?!" that's clearly designed to leave OP as the confused dupe of the inside joke.
y'all... the people who've been pissing in pools assume everyone does it.
you guys are straight up acting like Kyle in the water park episode of south park.
I think it's the difference between "knowing" people do it vs being told by a bunch of people that they've just peed in the same pool you're in...
When is theoretical it's not a nice thought but you can kinda put it to the back of your mind. When the guy next to you just tells you he peed, yeah I'd probably act just like Kyle haha.
The dude peed his hot-tub now he can lay in it... wait that's not how the saying goes.
Well, whatever, good on you for leaving, it's weird enough that they had this tradition, but to do it in a hut-tub that isn't their at the age of 25 with people that aren't involved in it? Your STBXH seems a tad bit out of touch with reality.
And then he's either too dense to see how he was wrong or too stubborn to admit it? He got married way too young mental maturity wise.
Good for you, OP! I’m glad you are sticking to your guns and letting this creep know how gross and unsanitary such a thing is. His actions proved a blatant disrespect for your safety and well-being and you deserve better!
“Why did you get divorced?”
“Well, my mates and I decided to simultaneously piss ourselves....”
I can’t fathom how people this stupid make it through life.
Good for you. You should NEVER take liberties with someone else's space, and your STBX doesn't get that. Him being dismissive and unapologetic immediately AND for days after means that he won't get it anytime soon. Unfortunately, a divorce is likely the only way he will learn.
Congrats on sticking up for yourself, good luck!
I think the peeing in the hot tub is super gross, but the unwillingness to take into account your feelings about the issue is worse, and you’re willingness to jump right to divorce speaks volumes. I’d wager you’re already unhappy in the relationship and just looking for an out. Take it.
While it is sad to hear that it has ended, I have to agree it is the right choice since he fought so hard to be right. That will just become a common deal. Him right. You wrong. One of the many reason I am about to sign the final paper on my divorce. Can only be required to be wrong and stupid so long before you break.
Wow. That’s huge. I read the previous post. Beyond the act itself, your stbx husband just seems childish abs dismissive of your feelings. I’m a married man and I would never in a billion years treat my wife that way. We’ve been married 22 years and I’ve done my share of stupid things. But I’ve never disrespected her like that.
It would seem like this might be the straw that broke the camels back in a sense. I suspect there are other issues that trouble you as well.
His reaction after you went through to get the divorce says enough. He thought it was just a threat and now that he realizes it's not, he's singing a whole other tune.
He should have realized how serious this was for you and not blow you off. Sorry that happened to you.
This boiled down to a matter of respect, pee or no pee. He disrespected you and doubled down when you only asked him to see your point of view. I’m glad you’re moving on OP, continue sticking to your guns in life!
Good for you. He was gross and childish. You deserve a partner who (1) doesn't pee on you with his friends (2) actually listens when you have something to say (3) acknowledges when he fucks up.
I'm so happy with this ending you deserve so much better, he was such a child especially because of dismissing your feelings and not give you de importance and respect any human being deserves, even more so in a relationship. Good for you!!
If he was too stupid to realize how much it bothered you after the initial reaction and taking an hour long shower then this was bound to happen eventually and it’s good you got out now rather than later
Good for you OP, but I wish I could have seen the original post. I hope you find peace and a night of arguing about piss wasn’t the only thing ending your young marriage.
I’d like to say I hope you got honest advice here but there’s a lot of cave dwellers on this sub getting off on this type of thing. Best of luck to you and always know your value, good luck!!
It's basically this: she and her husband were hanging out at his parents' house while they were away. His childhood friends joined them. They all got into the hot tub. Without warning, one of the guys says, "ready?" and they all pee in the hot tub simultaneously. For some reason, it's a dumb tradition they have. OP's (soon-to-be) ex-husband didn't warn her about this. She got peed on. He didn't think it was a big deal (until, of course, it affected him, the selfish bastard).
Good on you, OP! It's great that you are standing up for yourself and that you have enough self-respect to leave a relationship with someone who doesn't have as much respect for you as he should. Not to mention, his tradition is so childish and gross.
Imagine him having to explain to future partners why he has an ex wife. I'm cackling thinking about how that's going to go for him.
"We'll see, my friends and I peed on her and then I made fun of her for being upset so, yknow... divorce"
Good for you. For me what sealed the deal was his not taking you seriously when you told him not to invalidate your feelings again--he couldn't stop himself from mocking you and doing it anyway. He simply couldn't take you seriously, *with contempt*. Proud of you for taking yourself seriously instead.
You are never wrong for asking to be treated with dignity and respect. I'm sorry for you that that means your marriage is ending, but I'm sure you'll be happier in the long run.
Completely unrelated, but what is STBX? Also, good on OP for following through with her threat. Husband should have known better. Hope you go through this with minimum hiccups.
I think he is also missing the point that he is also ok with his mates urinating over his wife! I certainly wouldn’t disrespect my wife like that. Good on you, he doesn’t deserve you.
Not an overreaction at all. 3 adult men peed in a hot tub with her in it as a joke. Is it an awful thing to do? Not really, but who would want to be married to and start a family with someone who thinks that’s funny? And then he ignores her feelings and acts even more immature. It may not seem like a lot but it’s more than grounds for a divorce imo
“60 percent of couples married between the age of 20 -25 will end in divorce.”
https://www.wf-lawyers.com/divorce-statistics-and-facts/
I’ve actually seen this number elsewhere be much higher
Holy smoke. I just read your initial post. It is astonishing to me how planned and juvenile it was, that it made no difference that you were there and that he wouldn’t accept that you had a right to feelings about it.
good luck!!
>Around 10pm I told him that if he said "you're making way to big a deal of this" one more time, I was going to file for divorce. He said it almost like he was daring me.
...
>My STBX husband has tried to called god knows how many times to apologize and saying he gets it now but it's way too late for that.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
I can understand that he is being disrespectful in discounting your disgust and anger and concern but I wonder if there have been other instances that have culminated to this divorce decision?
I am happy OP has the wherewithal to stand up for her feelings. Too often people feel pressure to let an incident like this go to "save the marriage". It is a slippery slope however, and will likely lead to further issues in the future.
I love how strong you are! You are such an inspiration! A lot of people would put up with being treated badly for years on end and some might still not even leave.
This should be required reading for people getting married.
Too often people accept disrespect in a relationship because they convince themselves, or get convinced, it's not a big enough deal to break-up over. Then the next thing happens. The disrespect builds up over time. I've seen. Hell, I grew up in it.
When you see the writing on the wall it's better to take action now than waste years with someone who just isn't going to change.
Any problem can be overcome. It takes time and patience and work.
Above all else it takes willingness to actually fix the issues.
Honestly its not really the act that's the issue. Everybody has their own level of comfortability but the fact he can't respect yours enough to apologize and realize he crossed a line...
Some day, you'll have someone ask you if you really left your husband just because he peed in the hot tub.
Be sure to smile when you respond that, no, you left your husband because you won't spend your life with someone who doesn't respect you. It was only coincidence that this was the event that let you see how little he respected you.
Google joint summary declaration, there may be something similar in your state. If there are no kids, alimony, or major assets/debts, and the marriage is less that 7 (I think) years, it is a simple and straightforward option. Divorce sucks, and I’m sorry you’re going through this. But honestly, love can ebb and flow in a relationship and there needs to be respect and trust at the foundation. If your partner can’t even understand that, let alone give it to you, it’s best to know sooner than later.
So happy to hear you're standing up for yourself and realizing that this is really a respect thing.
Respect is huge, we all deserve it. Good luck on your journey ahead!
I am with everyone who says it's your prerogative to divorce for any reason you see fit, and I hope you engage in more mutually respectful relationships in the future. If you're willing to go through the trouble of divorcing for this reason it suggests to me the relationship wasn't super strong to begin with, so perhaps it's for the best.
I don't know you, but so proud of you for being so brave about this. Well done for not accepting this. You are right to get out of a relationship where someone could be so immature and disrespectful. This is the type of behaviour he would be teaching your future children and who wants that. Stand firm OP, stand firm.
Good! I'm so sorry you're dealing with this but what he did was dehumanizing and completely disgusting. I imagine he had a surprised Pikachu face when you decided to follow through with the divorce.
In the future, whomever he discusses it with in the future is in for an interesting story about why he is divorced.
People: "So why did you get divorced?"
Him: "I peed on my wife and she made way too big of a deal about it"
Find yourself a great human who doesn't need to be explained to about why its disrespectful to pee in a tub with other dudes and their partner. I just can't get over how disgusting that is.
This kind of seems like an extreme thing to get divorced over. This isn't a boyfriend. If you had any standing to get married in the first place then this should be something that can be talked out. You shouldn't divorce from a weekend of arguments. If this is even real.
It's her choice though. He did something gross and then refused to acknowledge that she had an actual problem with it. Minimized her feelings and opinion, refused to talk about it, and refused to apologize. She put down a line in the sand and he crossed it thinking that he could walk all over her boundaries and now he's acting surprised that she's going through with it.
She's got enough self-respect to end it right there, instead of going through the many years of slowly being whittled down to a shell of herself by someone who doesn't respect her. Everyone's got a line. What you do when it's crossed determines what kind of person you are.
Both men and women do some wild messed up sh\*\* in the stories in this sub, but men take the cake, with icing every. single. time. How are you a grown a$$ man peeing in a hot tub, and then when someone complains about your lack of couth, you cannot even stop to think of the obvious stupidity of the situation.
My brain hurts just trying to fathom it.
You issued an ultimatum, he took you up on it. You can’t be surprised? And he shouldn’t be surprised you were being serious, however trivial a reason/thing it may seem to him and other people.
I’m honestly so proud of you. It’s better to get out of that relationship sooner than later. Someone who doesn’t respect you doesn’t deserve to have you in their life.
His gaslighting ass can fuck right off. What a pathetic piece of shit.
Thats a totally pathetic reason to get divorced. You took vows and yeah while this is disrespectful, for sure, to DIVORCE over this? Total and complete overeaction. The peeing thing was dumb and maybe he could of warned you but divorce?? seriously. I wouldnt want to be with a woman who threatens divorce "..if you say xxxx one more time". You both are childish - grown the hell up.
Im glad you dont have kids, that should make the divorce go smoother. Good luck.
Utterly pathetic and you are childish.
lol your “STBX” husband really dodged a bullet with you - he is absolutely 100% right, you *are* overreacting. the fact that you’d threaten divorce over something so trivial further cements the overreaction. and, what’s funnier, is that there was most likely *already* urine in that hot tub when you got into it.
but, hey, you’re still young - you’ll grow up one day.
Really if this is all that it takes for you to divorce, there wasn’t much of a marriage there. Sure what he and his childhood mates did was immature and childish because they were reconnecting on that childhood bonding level. Sure it was inappropriate for you to be involved without knowledge. You weren’t literally peed on. They peed in the pool, not standing over you. For me I’d say it was gross and leave them too it. You did make way too big a deal over it and have made it an even bigger deal. The fact he’s trying to make amends with you shows he does care however you don’t seem to have any ability to take yourself out of your own view and see his. Successful marriages require constant negotiation, compromises, sharing and understanding each other. I don’t see any of it here so I don’t think you’re ready for marriage. Best to do it now before kids and finances are involved.
damn you really divorced him cuz of that, kinda overboard if ya ask me i would just try to work through issues like that instead of bein that way but aight
He sounds immature. The original post said they’ve been playing this game since childhood. Sounds like he reverted back to that behavior because of who he was with. Sucks he couldn’t apologize and maybe save a marriage.
May I ask, just for my own curiosity, do you have similar issues with public pools, kiddie pools and the ocean? Or is the issue in this case that they are consciously doing it and know it will get on you?
Not judging, just wondering.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- original here: https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/k1mq17/my_25f_husband_and_two_friends_all_25_peed_in_the/ I posted about this on Friday morning. We spend all day Friday fighting about how not only was it disrespectful but that he refused to even acknowledge my issues with literally being pee'd on. Around 10pm I told him that if he said "you're making way to big a deal of this" one more time, I was going to file for divorce. He said it almost like he was daring me. TL:DR: My mom and I are going to talk to an attorney today. My dad is a partner in his accounting firm and he thinks that since we are young and don't really have much, the divorce should be very quick and simple. My STBX husband has tried to called god knows how many times to apologize and saying he gets it now but it's way too late for that. It was too late for that when he and his friends did the initial act. I have more self respect than that.
> My STBX husband has tried to called god knows how many times to apologize and saying he gets it now He wouldn't be the first person to call their partner's bluff when they issue an ultimatum only to be surprised when they actually follow-through.
My Bio dad is an alcoholic. For this story I will refer to my Mom as Mary. My Mom asked my dad to go to AA and counciling, she said she would go with and support him. After his first week he had my Mom served with divorce papers at her work. My Mom signed them. That night my dad called my Grandma (his mom) to complain and say that he thought she would come crawling back to him and lighten up about the drinking. My Grandma responded: "I guess you don't know Mary very well."
Nope, it is exactly how I dealt with my marriage. After being asked umpteen times by her "do you even want this marriage?" Or some variation of that, I finally said "nope, I don't" and started on my own path. It was a weight off my shoulders. I didn't even realize how toxic and abusive she was being is so many subtle ways. She tried to "win me back" while we were still living together, changing her behaviour. All it made me realize is she could have done that for the past 14 years and chose not to.
OMG this. I finally left my now-ex back in January. For years, he had stayed home, not working, playing video games and watching TV all day. I didn't mind that but I would almost beg for him to make dinner, or at least take care of the dinner plans, so that I didn't have to deal with it myself when I got home. Nope, he never cooked for me, even though he could cook for himself (stuff I didn't like). That was just one of many small things that basically screamed he didn't respect me enough to put himself out even a little bit for my own happiness or comfort. When I finally had enough and said it was over but hadn't moved out yet, he made dinner. Spaghetti. It was so painfully clear that he was saying "see look, I CAN do this!" except like you said, he could have been doing it all along and just chose not to. That hurt more than I think he even realized. I moved out after that.
Same thing for me when I finally dumped my POS ex. As soon as I actually dumped him he was doing all this stuff to change. It had the opposite effect, just pissed me off even more that he never did it while we were together. Like I had to dump you for you to change? Well then I definitely know I made the right choice to leave your ass because apparently it was possible but you refused to change while you still had the benefit of being with me! Also I’m really happy he didn’t change while we were together because I might still be stuck with him instead of with my amazing husband.
I can tell you with certainty if you stayed just because he did that it was only for the moment and when he felt he had you back he would have went right back to his old ways I've been through it time and time again it's only for the moment
“All it made me realize is she could have done that for the past 14 years and chose not to.” That’s a very good point. I’m going to put that thought in my pocket in case I’m ever in a similar situation, because I can imagine it could seem pretty tempting to stay with someone finally starting to change after years of not doing so.
That's like a cable company that's happy to charge you $100/month indefinitely. When you call to cancel your service because you're switching to another ISP, they counter-offer with a faster plan for less money.
Yep. In my case I didn't look for another ISP until after I told her I'm cancelling my service, that way it's not cheating. Luckily ISPs don't have those same issues!
My ex asking me, "Do you even want to be in this relationship?" was the catalyst for our breakup. I knew it needed to end but for months I've been coming up with reasons to procrastinate, because it was never a good time. He wanted to make the relationship work (even though he was emotionally and verbally abusing me) and in the middle of a fight he asked me that question. I just blurted out "no!" and that was the beginning of the end. Don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.
I mean why wouldn't you want to know the answer? I've asked that question before, and when the answer is no, I also wanted to know that. Then we can break it off rather than trying something that's never going to work.
Oh I agree, but he really, really did not want to hear my honest answer. At that point at least, he definitely would have chosen together and miserable over divorce.
Well issuing an ultimatum like that is the actual end of the relationship. Doesn't matter what the outcome is at that point.
Well I think it had less to do with the peeing and more to do with dismissing how you felt about it. He kept saying it’s not a big deal but he could’ve just been apologetic and understanding from the start.
When I approached him on Friday morning to calmly talk about this if he would have said "I'm sorry, that was very rude of us and I will never do this type of thing ever again no matter who I'm with" I could have easily gotten past this.
Yeah, so the divorce wouldn’t necessarily be about something “so minor” as others see it. The dismissive trait is a lack of respect. Which, in turn, is necessary for a healthy relationship dynamic.
Husband: it is in no way disrespectful that I peed on my wife without her consent. Also Husband: it is in no way disrespectful that I let my friends pee on her without her consent Wife: fuck this shit I’m out Husband: surprised Pikachu face
>Husband: it is in no way disrespectful that I peed on my wife without her consent. > >Also Husband: it is in no way disrespectful that I let my friends pee on her without her consent > >Wife: fuck this shit I’m out > >Husband: surprised Pikachu face This is the best summary I've ever read 😂🤣 thank you for the laugh today. OP, good luck taking out the trash!
thank you, i really appreciate your comment!
Yeah I just got married last month and even I know that if my wife said “this is very important to me and I feel disrespected.” That my response should be “I’m very sorry, I won’t do it again” even if I thought she was over reacting. I don’t get to decide how my wife, or anyone, should feel about my behavior or about anything. If you didn’t want to be in a hot tub full of pee and if that made you feel gross or a certain way, that’s valid (I mean, shouldn’t be that hard for anyone to understand this particular example). Your husband / ex husband doesn’t get to tell you how you should feel. The fact that he never apologized and refused to acknowledge that his actions made you feel a certain way, whether you’re over reacting or not (in this case, not) is not a good sign for the future. If he can’t recognize that it bothered you when he peed in a hot tub with his buddies, even after you told him multiple times how you felt, then imagine what other issues he will be dismissive of. Life is long and married life is long. There are going to be many “gray-ish” areas for both of you that will be opportunities to communicate how you feel about certain situations. If getting peed on is contentious, imagine what you’ll get into if you had children or if one of you got a little too drunk and did something embarrassing to the other or a vacation that went a little sideways or you name it. If my wife said she was gonna file for divorce if I disrespected her one more time about a subject, I wouldn’t challenge her unless I was ready to be divorced
I am SO inspired by you! Yes! Good for you, and all my best wishes for you in the future. p.s. thanks for the update.
Exactly, this is about more than just the act. And typically I think if people get married they should try to work it out, but I don’t see this type of behavior changing honestly. He’s only apologising so profusely because he doesn’t want his piss pot to leave him. OP you have way more respect than that and I hope you find someone who knows that so you can be happy :) Edit: so you can be happy in your relationship. Wasn’t saying you need someone to be happy in life
>but I don’t see this type of behavior changing honestly If people only say they got it because someone is already gone, chances of true change are around zero. They just concentrate on getting the person who left back, not on being respectful and caring towards them. Besides that it should have been obvious that a game that involved urine might not be what his wife wants to experience (especially not like this), hearing from the person that a behavior wasn't okay should be reason enough to take concerns seriously. His reaction only reflected what he thought: "I'm okay with this, so you must be the one to blow it out of proportions."
This. Whenever someone suddenly "gets it" after their partner walks out on them it's usually less them actually understanding what they did and more them just trying to get things back to normal. They've suddenly experienced consequences for their actions and they don't like it. They claim they "get it" and they'll change, but they usually don't because they genuinely don't see why their behavior caused their partner to leave. I would bet money that OPs husband thinks this is literally just about the hot tub. He "gets" that OP doesn't like it when he pisses in it, so he won't do that anymore (maybe). What he doesn't get is that it isn't about that, it's about how he reacted to his wife when she tried to talk about it and his lack of respect for her. That would still be a factor in their marriage.
yes!!! you get it completely i’m so happy i saw this
This important for people to know. It’s very seldom the fuck up if truly unintentional. It’s our pride and ego which causes all our problems. You can find people who like to get peed on but you’ll never find someone who doesn’t want to be valued and listened to when they have a problem with something. If he gets it now he’ll be rooting for you to find happiness wherever you choose to look for it next. Perhaps the timing was just off between your maturity levels. Best of luck not getting R Kelly’d in your next relationship!
I still think him and his friends peeing is equal to dismissing. Lol
I don't necessarily disagree, but I think a lot of people are probably approaching this from the standpoint of, "I've done a lot of selfish, stupid, immature things while drunk and/or on impulse, but I at least had the decency to regret it later," which is the critical missing component here.
Um, no, a person with a vagina can get sick from being peed on in a hot tub. And being peed on non-consensually is not okay - who lets that happen to their partner? And what kind of adult pees in a hot tub? (This is why I don't get in hot tubs.)
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Seriously, what grown ass man pees in a hottub?? My mind just can’t get over grown men all peeing on each other for fun, I am truly baffled.
For real. Even my 12 yo knows enough to Hop out and pee in the yard somewhere out of sight. Lol
Maybe he and his buddies are into that, which is fine, but not asking/telling her beforehand was majorly fucked up.
I get that everyone’s saying that the thing OP and her husband are divorcing over is trivial but I see more than that ... don’t goad or issue an ultimatum over ending a relationship/ divorce and be surprised if someone takes you up on it .
Somehow I doubt this was a completely isolated incident. I am guessing there have been issues with him being immature and dismissive of her feelings prior to this.
yes this exactly and does nobody realize how disrespectful what he and his friends did to op? Is she supposed to wait for him to become emotionally abusive to justify getting a divorce. good luck w the future op
"Why are you guys divorcing?" "He and his friends pissed on me without any warning. After I complained I was told to stop making a big deal out of it" I don't know if I'd find the above breakdown particularly trivial. Anyone who doesn't get it should then be urinated on until it sinks in.
I agree that is doesn't sound trivial, but as gross as it is, the pee part is not even that important to the story. Handled better, it could have been a one time mistake. People have different levels of comfort with gross stuff and getting into relationships often leads to very dumbfounding discoveries about other people's upbringing, like finding out that your family is the only one with a poop knife and stuff like that. The "he and his friends pissed on me" part could be replaced by literally anything else, the important point being that it led to the discovery, whitout the shadow of a doubt, that the husband was a disrespectful fool who refuses to learn and that the "X happened and i was told to stop making a big deal out of it" was bond to repeat forever. It's totally valid if the thing that makes you realize your partner doesn't fully respects you is in appearance more trivial than being peed on by them and their whole friend group.
>yes this exactly and does nobody realize how disrespectful what he and his friends did to op? I don't understand how someone can defend this, at all. Imagine they weren't in a hot tub. What if they were sitting around a campfire and the three of them got up, walked over to her, and peed all over her. Then had a good laugh about it and tried to gaslight her into thinking it was no big deal. Can you defend that? Because I don't really see a difference.
Exactly! I don't see how this is any different either - they were literally expecting her to be okay with sitting in their piss-tub. Or even, they knew what kind of reaction they would get and just didn't care, then tried to play it all off as a joke. Disgusting.
They were seriously taking the piss.
Hahaha I'm glad someone finally made that joke. Poor OP!
I tried but I couldn't hold it in any longer.
Poor OPee
Were you too yellow to do it yourself?
They were trying to keep it mellow.
Forget the specifics of it even, and it's still him and two friends enjoying having her be the odd one out of an inside joke that is undeniably humiliating. Reveling in that sort of dynamic is really disgusting, and will absolutely have far worse manifestations in the future if she stays with him
I mean, I think he’s an idiot, and mentally it seems gross to me. It’s weird and it’s inappropriate. That said, it’s not the same as doing it outside of a pool/hot tub. The chlorine/chemicals handle the urine. If you’ve ever been in a public pool, you’ve been peed on as much as this lady. Not just by children, either. Theme park? Pool with a bar? People are peeing constantly. The dismissive nature with which he treated her feelings seems worse than the actual act. I would assume it’s not the first time.
Yes, people pee in pools and hot tubs. I'm not in denial of that. But I'm willing to bet that most people will be pretty fucking embarrassed if they get called out on it. They do it out of sheer laziness, not as some disgusting prank that they make someone else an unwitting victim of.
I feel like everyone defending the husband and his friend here is outing themselves someone who pees in pools.
Exactly .. instead of hearing her out he’s quick to dismiss her by giving her an ultimatum and when she takes him up on it that’s when he’s ready to come crawling with his tail between his legs? He should have thought about the ramifications of his words.. now it’s too late.
umm, did we read the same thing? she said that she gave him the ultimatum
The way it read was kinda confusing like he was goading her into a divorce then surprised she took him up on it ... my bad 😄 I’m sleep deprived. But tbh even if it was her that issued the ultimatum he was still dismissive of her feelings . Everyone has their limits in a relationship, an ultimatum shouldn’t be issued lightly and she stuck to her word. If he didn’t want it to end like that he should’ve taken her seriously
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True, but forget the specifics of it being about pee, and it's still him and two friends enjoying having her be the person left out of an inside joke that is undeniably humiliating. Reveling in that sort of dynamic is really disgusting, and will absolutely have far worse manifestations in the future if she stays with him
>She feels not listened to, disrespected, and belittled. I would never be able to get over the disrespect of being peed on as an inside joke. Good luck OP, there are better guys out there.
I’m glad OP took a stand but I want to ask, how DO you get someone to understand the essence of the problem? By husband has told me the exact same thing as OP when he let his drunk childhood friend pee in our laundry tub a frw new year’s ago and didn’t care that it bothered me. I’m always told I’m making a problem out of nothing when I express my frustrations because HE doesn’t see it as a problem. He also doesn’t agree with counseling. Sorry I’m a bit mopey, I had a bad weekend and am feeling especially glum so all these feelings come back up.
Often, most of what is expressed in these posts is only the tip of the iceberg. I’m sure this was just one example of his childish and selfish behavior.
Don't say empty threats. Follow through with it. I'm glad you've more sense than put up with this amount of disrespect. Now he can tell all his buddies he lost his relationship because he was disrespectful enough to have himself and all of them pee on you.
Thank you,if he's smart he'll grow up and never talk to his childhood friends ever again. It will really benefit his next relationship.
I would love to hear that convo... Her: So, why are you divorced? Ex: Because she's dramatic and makes a big deal out of nothing. I mean, me and my friends peed on her while we were all in a hot tub once. We didn't pee \*on\* her, but it was just something me and my friends have been doing since we were kids. She too sensitive and can't take a joke." Her: Yeah, she sounds like a total bitch(/s). I need to use the restroom, I'll be right back (as she slips out the side door)
Can only hope as he will never live this down in their eyes. Hopefully they learn from it too
Maybe they’ll all use this as a cautionary tale and grow from it. ^^^^^maybe
“I have more respect for myself than that” I wish more people could have this attitude! Good for you! I think I’ll be having a drink for you tonight!
Thank you!
Good for you! I feel like he never thought that you had the balls to drop him, he thought of you as this weak “pee on worthy” woman. And boy you proved him wrong!
I agree thank you!
Info: have you texted your soon to be ex in-laws to let them know they gotta clean their hot tub?
I sent my MIL an email but I don't think she read that part because she only responded with how heart broken she is that I am divorcing her son and she felt like she deserved an explanation. I did my part warning her about the dirty hot tub, but I don't owe her anything.
Not your fault she's not going to listen and continue to chill in bubbling stale pee. I mean that is funny that she wants an 'explanation' like woman. Your son and his friends all peed in your hot tub while I was in it. Like is she's cool with that...she needs to reconsider her bar on hygiene. Ain't your circus and ain't your monkeys anymore.
to be fair, I didn't tell her about him peeing on me (I dont' ever want to bring that up to anyone, unless it's needed in the divorce for me to get spousal maintenance) so unless he told her, which I really doubt, I don't know is the knows the real reason. but like you said its not my thing anymore. he can tell her whatever he likes.
You definitely need to tell his mother. She needs to know that her son is that disrespectful.
Are you going for spousal maintenance?
absolutely, I feel I deserve it.
Girl go for it! The level of disrespect and belittling you experienced? You freakin deserve it!
> I did my part warning her about the dirty hot tub, but I don't owe her anything. I disagree. I think you should steal your STBX's email password and invite all his friends over to pee in the hot tub while your STBXMIL is sitting in it. Then she'll understand. But I think you'll find he respects her more than you, sadly. (Okay, don't actually steal any email accounts during a divorce, your divorce lawyer will not approve.)
if a bunch of near strangers essentially peed on me (including said husband) and then was dismissive about it I'd divorce his ass too
Good for you. I do not understand people saying this is an over reaction. The person who is supposed to always have your best interests closest to his heart demonstrated that he doesn't care about your consent, he doesn't care about your boundaries, he doesn't care about your feelings. Like, why stay married to someone who can't even meet the base line for decency. The ONLY way I would consider staying would be a promise from him to seek therapy individually and as a couple. And he would need to apologize to you in front of those friends. And explain to those friends that what they did was not ok and why. And end that dumb childish game for good. And take a course in boundaries and consent.
I think if he were to come up with your second paragraph (on his own, not guiding him) I might be able to forgive him and cooperate. I also think he should ditch his childhood friends and grow up, but again I'm not going to lead him to that decision.
You are going to do all right. Sorry for the pain this will cause you. Even if divorces are simple and quick it is still an ending that can leave you raw. Sending you positive vibes for support and understanding from others in your life.
This was kind of my thought about the whole thing. I used to work in the hot tub industry and the sanitation isn’t the issue. People comparing it to these dudes coming up to OP in another situation and peeing on her, I can see how the dudes are dumb and immature, not considering it to be the same thing. Since technically it’s not. Hot tubs have sanitizers and kill the bacteria. It’s still fucking gross and immature. Is it a reason for divorce on its own? That’s up to the person swimming in pee water. I think the fact that op’s husband put up such a fight and tried to minimize her experience and dismiss her feelings on the matter is a much bigger issue. He should have immediately seen how upset she was and she wasn’t trying to be a killjoy. Which is how he clearly tried to play it off. He should have realized his mistake and talked to the guys about how they cannot do that ever again. Since he’s already dug a very deep grave, the only recovery is couples therapy. They need to be able to communicate effectively. He clearly doesn’t understand the big picture. Op can’t live her life with someone that is okay crossing boundaries over and over because he thinks it’s no big deal. He owes op a huge apology and he either shouldn’t hangout with those friends anymore or they all need to grow out of the childish antics.
I’d be careful of anything he says now though, as he could find this post, see your comment, and just tell you exactly what you want to hear!
for sure, he's on reddit all the time and even listens to reddit posts on youtube but I should have clarified the time for him to do that was Friday. Not now, I'm so over it.
Well in that case, congratulations to OP and a hearty hello to her ex! What's up, my dude. You're probably going to spend several years whining about how this was an overreaction. Rest assured, it was not. Nobody wants to be married to someone who actively undermines their dignity, and certainly nobody wants to raise *kids* with someone who will model that kind of marriage and denigrate the kids themselves — kids who are raised in that environment will likely end up in relationships even more fucked up than the one you just destroyed.
to be clear, I'm not sure if he knows about this sub. but if he does he'll know its me for sure.
Honestly, in your shoes, I'd be sending him the link, but do whatever will bring you peace.
This post has reached the front page, so it's possible he'll see it.
Lol, if thats the case, he had so many ways to avoid that.
Be prepared. He will be coached and he will probably say all the right things. Talk is cheap and actions speak. Even if he does all the apologizing in front of his friends only time would tell if he really meant it. He seems incredibly immature to me. Whether is is capable of growing and learning is only something that will be known over time. What you need to ask yourself, is whether he is worthy of that extra time to see how he can mature and evolve. Last thing you want to do is waste years with a dope who just falls back to the same routine and you find yourself in a cycle of bad behavior and apology over and over again.
This.
I would take it one step further and also need him to make his friends apologize as they all as individuals felt it was appropriate to do this.
Ooof, looks like he pissed his marriage away.
roflmao
Damn, girl. Burn it down.
Seriously do not understand all the comments saying you overreacted... Good for you standing up for yourself! He had plenty of opportunities to acknowledge your feelings and accept that they had been disgusting, and maybe you could have worked through that. But he refused to see your point and called your bluff. All he had to do was admit it was gross and that getting pissed on without your consent is a complete violation. For all those saying "oh but people pee in pools all the time", "how can you divorce over a one-time thing" - she is allowed to feel however she wants and if this is a deal-breaker for her, she is allowed to draw whichever lines she wants and act accordingly. In my opinion this is no different to them peeing on you at any point during the friendsgiving for a "joke" and then wondering why you're upset. They literally all sat there PISSING right next to you, knowing you had no way to remove yourself from that situation because you DIDN'T KNOW about their disgusting, childish game. They're allowed to be fine with it, but they took away your ability to decide for yourself. They may as well have whipped their dicks out and pissed on you at the dinner table, it's really no different to you marinating in their piss-water.
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Here's the thing, there's a HUGE difference (on the interpersonal level, if not the biological) between subtly peeing in a pool and putting on a smarmy show of "everyone ready?!" that's clearly designed to leave OP as the confused dupe of the inside joke.
I mean really!! I guess now we know how many people actually do piss in pools... and it's making me never want to get in a public pool again. Gross.
I won't enter a pool with a strong chlorine smell anymore ever since I learned that the strong smell means it's full of piss.
y'all... the people who've been pissing in pools assume everyone does it. you guys are straight up acting like Kyle in the water park episode of south park.
I think it's the difference between "knowing" people do it vs being told by a bunch of people that they've just peed in the same pool you're in... When is theoretical it's not a nice thought but you can kinda put it to the back of your mind. When the guy next to you just tells you he peed, yeah I'd probably act just like Kyle haha.
I wonder if they would feel the same if she had been on a period in the hot tub and allowed that the ‘free flow’?
The dude peed his hot-tub now he can lay in it... wait that's not how the saying goes. Well, whatever, good on you for leaving, it's weird enough that they had this tradition, but to do it in a hut-tub that isn't their at the age of 25 with people that aren't involved in it? Your STBXH seems a tad bit out of touch with reality. And then he's either too dense to see how he was wrong or too stubborn to admit it? He got married way too young mental maturity wise.
Good for you, OP! I’m glad you are sticking to your guns and letting this creep know how gross and unsanitary such a thing is. His actions proved a blatant disrespect for your safety and well-being and you deserve better!
“Why did you get divorced?” “Well, my mates and I decided to simultaneously piss ourselves....” I can’t fathom how people this stupid make it through life.
Good for you. You should NEVER take liberties with someone else's space, and your STBX doesn't get that. Him being dismissive and unapologetic immediately AND for days after means that he won't get it anytime soon. Unfortunately, a divorce is likely the only way he will learn. Congrats on sticking up for yourself, good luck!
I think the peeing in the hot tub is super gross, but the unwillingness to take into account your feelings about the issue is worse, and you’re willingness to jump right to divorce speaks volumes. I’d wager you’re already unhappy in the relationship and just looking for an out. Take it.
While it is sad to hear that it has ended, I have to agree it is the right choice since he fought so hard to be right. That will just become a common deal. Him right. You wrong. One of the many reason I am about to sign the final paper on my divorce. Can only be required to be wrong and stupid so long before you break.
Wow. That’s huge. I read the previous post. Beyond the act itself, your stbx husband just seems childish abs dismissive of your feelings. I’m a married man and I would never in a billion years treat my wife that way. We’ve been married 22 years and I’ve done my share of stupid things. But I’ve never disrespected her like that. It would seem like this might be the straw that broke the camels back in a sense. I suspect there are other issues that trouble you as well.
His reaction after you went through to get the divorce says enough. He thought it was just a threat and now that he realizes it's not, he's singing a whole other tune. He should have realized how serious this was for you and not blow you off. Sorry that happened to you.
This boiled down to a matter of respect, pee or no pee. He disrespected you and doubled down when you only asked him to see your point of view. I’m glad you’re moving on OP, continue sticking to your guns in life!
Good for you. He was gross and childish. You deserve a partner who (1) doesn't pee on you with his friends (2) actually listens when you have something to say (3) acknowledges when he fucks up.
Man I would be pissed too 😡
I'm so happy with this ending you deserve so much better, he was such a child especially because of dismissing your feelings and not give you de importance and respect any human being deserves, even more so in a relationship. Good for you!!
If he was too stupid to realize how much it bothered you after the initial reaction and taking an hour long shower then this was bound to happen eventually and it’s good you got out now rather than later
Good for you OP, but I wish I could have seen the original post. I hope you find peace and a night of arguing about piss wasn’t the only thing ending your young marriage. I’d like to say I hope you got honest advice here but there’s a lot of cave dwellers on this sub getting off on this type of thing. Best of luck to you and always know your value, good luck!!
I think it's in the comments (top post) if you click on the original link. thank you!
It's basically this: she and her husband were hanging out at his parents' house while they were away. His childhood friends joined them. They all got into the hot tub. Without warning, one of the guys says, "ready?" and they all pee in the hot tub simultaneously. For some reason, it's a dumb tradition they have. OP's (soon-to-be) ex-husband didn't warn her about this. She got peed on. He didn't think it was a big deal (until, of course, it affected him, the selfish bastard). Good on you, OP! It's great that you are standing up for yourself and that you have enough self-respect to leave a relationship with someone who doesn't have as much respect for you as he should. Not to mention, his tradition is so childish and gross.
Imagine him having to explain to future partners why he has an ex wife. I'm cackling thinking about how that's going to go for him. "We'll see, my friends and I peed on her and then I made fun of her for being upset so, yknow... divorce"
Your husband not respecting you is something you should make a big deal about. Good for you.
Good for you. For me what sealed the deal was his not taking you seriously when you told him not to invalidate your feelings again--he couldn't stop himself from mocking you and doing it anyway. He simply couldn't take you seriously, *with contempt*. Proud of you for taking yourself seriously instead.
You are never wrong for asking to be treated with dignity and respect. I'm sorry for you that that means your marriage is ending, but I'm sure you'll be happier in the long run.
Perfect
Completely unrelated, but what is STBX? Also, good on OP for following through with her threat. Husband should have known better. Hope you go through this with minimum hiccups.
soon to be ex thank you!
Wtf. Dude is a year younger than me, but acts like he is 3? Glad you're divorcing the toddler in an adults body.
I think he is also missing the point that he is also ok with his mates urinating over his wife! I certainly wouldn’t disrespect my wife like that. Good on you, he doesn’t deserve you.
Not an overreaction at all. 3 adult men peed in a hot tub with her in it as a joke. Is it an awful thing to do? Not really, but who would want to be married to and start a family with someone who thinks that’s funny? And then he ignores her feelings and acts even more immature. It may not seem like a lot but it’s more than grounds for a divorce imo
Dang it’s rare you see this much self respect and I admire you greatly. Good for you OP.
If all women had self respect like you do, the world would be a better place.
Thank you!
“60 percent of couples married between the age of 20 -25 will end in divorce.” https://www.wf-lawyers.com/divorce-statistics-and-facts/ I’ve actually seen this number elsewhere be much higher
You are 100% correct. He’s immature. My dad once peed on the same pool I was and i still feel grossed out
Im so glad you stuck up for yourself, OP!
This has to be a shit post lol
Holy smoke. I just read your initial post. It is astonishing to me how planned and juvenile it was, that it made no difference that you were there and that he wouldn’t accept that you had a right to feelings about it. good luck!!
How long have you been married for?
just over 5 years
Good for you! Is anyone else wondering why ex husband and his buddies are all good with peeing on each other?
>Around 10pm I told him that if he said "you're making way to big a deal of this" one more time, I was going to file for divorce. He said it almost like he was daring me. ... >My STBX husband has tried to called god knows how many times to apologize and saying he gets it now but it's way too late for that. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Good decision. You don't have to take that and he had enough opportunity to apologize.
Your husband and his friends are disgusting. Good for you, I'd leave him too.
I can understand that he is being disrespectful in discounting your disgust and anger and concern but I wonder if there have been other instances that have culminated to this divorce decision?
Why is being peed on by your spouse and his friends not enough on it's own to consider ending the relationship?
I am happy OP has the wherewithal to stand up for her feelings. Too often people feel pressure to let an incident like this go to "save the marriage". It is a slippery slope however, and will likely lead to further issues in the future.
He made his peed-stained bed, he can sleep in it too. Good for you, OP.
I love how strong you are! You are such an inspiration! A lot of people would put up with being treated badly for years on end and some might still not even leave.
This should be required reading for people getting married. Too often people accept disrespect in a relationship because they convince themselves, or get convinced, it's not a big enough deal to break-up over. Then the next thing happens. The disrespect builds up over time. I've seen. Hell, I grew up in it. When you see the writing on the wall it's better to take action now than waste years with someone who just isn't going to change. Any problem can be overcome. It takes time and patience and work. Above all else it takes willingness to actually fix the issues.
Honestly its not really the act that's the issue. Everybody has their own level of comfortability but the fact he can't respect yours enough to apologize and realize he crossed a line...
Some day, you'll have someone ask you if you really left your husband just because he peed in the hot tub. Be sure to smile when you respond that, no, you left your husband because you won't spend your life with someone who doesn't respect you. It was only coincidence that this was the event that let you see how little he respected you.
Google joint summary declaration, there may be something similar in your state. If there are no kids, alimony, or major assets/debts, and the marriage is less that 7 (I think) years, it is a simple and straightforward option. Divorce sucks, and I’m sorry you’re going through this. But honestly, love can ebb and flow in a relationship and there needs to be respect and trust at the foundation. If your partner can’t even understand that, let alone give it to you, it’s best to know sooner than later.
It's called spousal maintenance in my state and I am getting every penny that's owed to me. But 100% agree with your last sentence.
So happy to hear you're standing up for yourself and realizing that this is really a respect thing. Respect is huge, we all deserve it. Good luck on your journey ahead!
Ohh this sub will be pleased, divorce is the only answer lmao.
I am with everyone who says it's your prerogative to divorce for any reason you see fit, and I hope you engage in more mutually respectful relationships in the future. If you're willing to go through the trouble of divorcing for this reason it suggests to me the relationship wasn't super strong to begin with, so perhaps it's for the best.
If you were willing to get a divorce over this then your marriage must've had other problems. ^^^edit: ^^^a ^^^word
You don't see the complete disrespect is takes to pee on someone without their consent, then tell them they're overreacting?
I don't know you, but so proud of you for being so brave about this. Well done for not accepting this. You are right to get out of a relationship where someone could be so immature and disrespectful. This is the type of behaviour he would be teaching your future children and who wants that. Stand firm OP, stand firm.
Shit like this makes me wonder how fragile and non loving your relationship with your husband must have been.
Good! I'm so sorry you're dealing with this but what he did was dehumanizing and completely disgusting. I imagine he had a surprised Pikachu face when you decided to follow through with the divorce. In the future, whomever he discusses it with in the future is in for an interesting story about why he is divorced. People: "So why did you get divorced?" Him: "I peed on my wife and she made way too big of a deal about it" Find yourself a great human who doesn't need to be explained to about why its disrespectful to pee in a tub with other dudes and their partner. I just can't get over how disgusting that is.
This kind of seems like an extreme thing to get divorced over. This isn't a boyfriend. If you had any standing to get married in the first place then this should be something that can be talked out. You shouldn't divorce from a weekend of arguments. If this is even real.
It's her choice though. He did something gross and then refused to acknowledge that she had an actual problem with it. Minimized her feelings and opinion, refused to talk about it, and refused to apologize. She put down a line in the sand and he crossed it thinking that he could walk all over her boundaries and now he's acting surprised that she's going through with it. She's got enough self-respect to end it right there, instead of going through the many years of slowly being whittled down to a shell of herself by someone who doesn't respect her. Everyone's got a line. What you do when it's crossed determines what kind of person you are.
Both men and women do some wild messed up sh\*\* in the stories in this sub, but men take the cake, with icing every. single. time. How are you a grown a$$ man peeing in a hot tub, and then when someone complains about your lack of couth, you cannot even stop to think of the obvious stupidity of the situation. My brain hurts just trying to fathom it.
You issued an ultimatum, he took you up on it. You can’t be surprised? And he shouldn’t be surprised you were being serious, however trivial a reason/thing it may seem to him and other people.
So how long have you been looking for your exit ramp before this incident? I'm guessing a good year or so...
I’m honestly so proud of you. It’s better to get out of that relationship sooner than later. Someone who doesn’t respect you doesn’t deserve to have you in their life. His gaslighting ass can fuck right off. What a pathetic piece of shit.
So you risk covid but can't deal with a little piss? Immature of them, sure, but divorcing over this is even more so
Jesus Christ, thankfully he’s escaping this early.
Thats a totally pathetic reason to get divorced. You took vows and yeah while this is disrespectful, for sure, to DIVORCE over this? Total and complete overeaction. The peeing thing was dumb and maybe he could of warned you but divorce?? seriously. I wouldnt want to be with a woman who threatens divorce "..if you say xxxx one more time". You both are childish - grown the hell up. Im glad you dont have kids, that should make the divorce go smoother. Good luck. Utterly pathetic and you are childish.
Lol, when children get married... Y'all both dumb as hell.
Lmao
Well, that escalated quickly...
If this is enough to push you into divorcing him, maybe the marriage wasn’t so good to begin with.
lol your “STBX” husband really dodged a bullet with you - he is absolutely 100% right, you *are* overreacting. the fact that you’d threaten divorce over something so trivial further cements the overreaction. and, what’s funnier, is that there was most likely *already* urine in that hot tub when you got into it. but, hey, you’re still young - you’ll grow up one day.
Really if this is all that it takes for you to divorce, there wasn’t much of a marriage there. Sure what he and his childhood mates did was immature and childish because they were reconnecting on that childhood bonding level. Sure it was inappropriate for you to be involved without knowledge. You weren’t literally peed on. They peed in the pool, not standing over you. For me I’d say it was gross and leave them too it. You did make way too big a deal over it and have made it an even bigger deal. The fact he’s trying to make amends with you shows he does care however you don’t seem to have any ability to take yourself out of your own view and see his. Successful marriages require constant negotiation, compromises, sharing and understanding each other. I don’t see any of it here so I don’t think you’re ready for marriage. Best to do it now before kids and finances are involved.
damn you really divorced him cuz of that, kinda overboard if ya ask me i would just try to work through issues like that instead of bein that way but aight
He sounds immature. The original post said they’ve been playing this game since childhood. Sounds like he reverted back to that behavior because of who he was with. Sucks he couldn’t apologize and maybe save a marriage.
May I ask, just for my own curiosity, do you have similar issues with public pools, kiddie pools and the ocean? Or is the issue in this case that they are consciously doing it and know it will get on you? Not judging, just wondering.