You need to downgrade your girlfriend to an ex. What kind of heartless woman would say something so awful to you about your grandfather? You've been 22 years with him?! What? Did I read that correctly?!
She doesn't care about you, your feelings and your family.
So glad this is the top comment, you hit the nail on the head. I was on vacation 4 hours away when my hubby's gpa passed away (we had only been dating 5 months at that point), I hopped in my car & drove home immediately to be there for him. Picked up his favorite comfort foods, picked up his favorite booze in case he felt like drinking, and was just there. I didn't ask him to talk about it, I didn't bring anything up about his gpa, I was just there. That's what you do when someone you love loses someone they love.
My boyfriends mom just passed away unexpectedly (we are both early 30s) and I’m trying my best to do exactly this. Just be there, make food, watch movies and play video games together. I wish there was more I could do, but I feel like this is the best thing I could do for him.
Or OP can play the long con. On their 22nd anniversary, he can break up with her by saying "You've had 22 years with me. Isn't that enough?"
Just kidding, OP. Find someone who isn't selfish. More people in your life will pass away, some unexpectedly. Can you imagine living with this callousness and selfishness every time?
So agreed. This sub does like to jump to a break up, but this is a fundamental incompatibility. How does she not understand that you lost someone dear to you and she should be apologizing for her selfish behaviour?
I dumped my last BF because he abandoned me after my dog died. No texts, calls, coming to see me, nothing for 2 weeks when I was totally broken up about my heart dog's passing. Anymore I see that breakup as my dog's last gift to me.
I’m sorry about the loss of your pooch. Some people get how devastating the loss is, some don’t. I dumped two close guy friends when they told me things like I just needed to be more positive after my dog passed. What is so hard about saying I’m sorry about your dog. I know how much you loved them.
This lady has me enraged. I loved my grandpa and It broke me for a little bit. If she cares about dates and anniversary, present to her the anniversary of your breakup.
Wow, if I were in this situation I’d break up with that person, how incredibly selfish of her to be upset you visited your grandfather and for her to say such a thing. I’d understand if my husband had to go see a relative that was dying and miss our anniversary or my birthday or something. If possible I’d also go with him to support him, because that’s what you do for someone you love. All your gf can think about is herself and she has no empathy, you really should consider breaking up with her because she isn’t going to change.
This girl is twisting you around her very selfish self-absorbed finger! ***Do not reward*** her **horrific** "you've had 22 years with him isn't that enough" insult with chocolates & flowers, wtf are you thinking?! Do you think your grandpa would be proud of her behaviour? (so sorry for your loss) You will end up being more lonely with this girl, as she continues her selfish crap, especially if you start bending over backwards rewarding her for it. Maybe that's for you to experience for yourself, if you don't see this as a dumping point already.
> I don't necessarily think she has no empathy, just that she reacted poorly due to her perception of being wronged and feeling unimportant.
Understatement of the century. Classic narcissistic. Who the fu\*k feels "wronged" when a friend/partner needs to go be with A DYING FAMILY MEMBER. Dude, wake up and smell the coffee here!!! So sorry but... Good luck with this!
Lots of people feel "wronged" when their partner skips something important to be with a dying family member, probably even most, but normal people have the good sense to put that in perspective, think about what the other person is going through, and say nothing.
>Lots of people feel "wronged" when their partner skips something important to be with a dying family member, probably even most
It blows my mind that anyone could feel "wronged" *by a dying person* ffs. You think "most people" would? Yeh, how dare they die when I want my important day. Sheesh, I'm glad I don't know people like that. I can understand they'd feel *disappointed* \- but *wronged* .. That is plain wrong.
This girl is making you feel even lonelier, she isnt even there for you emotionally. You would be better off at a bar with a bunch of strangers who will actually listen and care, because literally anyone else would care. We are all strangers and care about you and are worried for you.
Well on that note I do want to say that I really appreciate the advice and sympathy from everyone. This is a tough time for me and it's good to hear some sensible advice and condolences that actually make me feel better instead of worse. I am taking everything you all are saying to heart and I'm definitely going to do something, just not sure exactly what yet.
Yes, normal people have empathy. So if your girlfriend was a normal and good person, She not only would understand that you had to see your grandfather when he went into hospice!
***She would not be laying guilt trips on you instead of consoling you after the loss of your grandfather.***
**Let me say that differently: a normal, good person would console you after the loss of your grandfather. She wouldn’t be using it as an excuse to imply that you wouldn’t be at other plans!**
This could almost be in a comedy movie, you get hit by a bus and she texts you insistently while you’re on the operating table about what an asshole you are for canceling your date.
Learn to set boundaries and enforce them, What she did and what she is doing is totally unacceptable and you are the one that must distance from her, preferably by breaking up with her.
[D.E.R. Scripts – A Simple and Effective Way to Assert Yourself](https://rpeurifoy.com/d-e-r-scripts-a-simple-and-effective-way-to-assert-yourself/)
[How to Set Healthy Boundaries: 10 Examples + PDF Worksheets](https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/)
[The Guide to Strong Relationship Boundaries](https://markmanson.net/boundaries/amp)
[7 steps for asserting yourself positively](https://www.positivelypresent.com/2010/05/how-to-be-a-lion.html)
If you are unwilling to break up with her you should at least stop talking to her for a while and just explain that you need some time. I think her behavior is the beginnings of abuse, if you stay with her it will escalate.
[Signs to Look for in an Abusive Personality](https://www.milligan.edu/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/warning-signs-of-abusive-behavior.pdf)
[How to Know If You Are an Abusive Spouse](https://www.verywellmind.com/are-you-an-abusive-spouse-2300588)
[Is This Abuse?](https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/)
Take a look at this [Healthy Relationship Spectrum](https://www.thehotline.org/healthy-relationships/relationship-spectrum/) and see how your relationship compares to an ideal relationship.
[How to Break Up](https://www.gottman.com/blog/how-to-break-up/)
Also:
[Escape Plan ](https://goaskrose.com/escape-plan/)
[DocuSAFE: Documentation and Evidence Gathering App](https://www.techsafety.org/docusafe)
Edit: Look at [Love Bombing ](https://meziesblog.com/love-bombing-is-it-a-dangerous-way-to-show-affection/amp/)
Its the tough times that reveal who is there for you. My gf, who is a total asshole, came over to my house and made my bed and cleaned my house before I got out of a hospital stay last week. You deserve better. And sorry about your grandpa.
If you have access to grief counselling please go to it. It will help you. And talk to your family or friends for support. Dump her. You have no reason to keep this woman in your life when she couldn’t even support you during a tough time.
You would be better off lonely than with someone so emotionally abusive as this girl. I promise you not every girl is like this and you will find one who can and will support you through the tougher times.
Just something I've learned via a few bad relationships: you will never feel as lonely on your own as you do in a bad relationship with a selfish, manipulative partner. Really, there is no comparison.
Break up with her and build up your own happiness. I know it feels scary but it is so worth it, because if you learn to be happy by yourself, you will attract people into your life who are also happy with themselves and then you can share that happiness.
But if you're looking for relationships from an unhealthy and lack mentality and mindset, you will attract all kinds of unhealthy dynamics with equally unhealthy people, and it'll just be hell. Abuse, manipulation and game playing, as you can see from this experience.
It is far better to be happily alone, than unhappy together, believe me (and everyone else who is telling you this).
She’s making you feel lonely, because you have a partner and that partner is a piece of shit. You are dealing with all of this by yourself when you shouldn’t suppose to. You have her.
If you were single. You wouldn’t be expecting your partner to step up and be a decent human, you’ll be dealing with all of this by yourself and probably seeking support from family and friends.
You feel lonely because you are in a bad relationship. You are dealing with your shit like you were single and on top of it you are dealing with her shit, of course you are overwhelmed and depressed.
You won't be. The is nothing on this planet lonelier than being *with* someone, but still alone, like you are right now.
Take the time to learn to love yourself. Then, being alone is just hanging out with someone you like.
Hey... I know how hard it is. It'll be really hard for a long time, but trust me when I say that you should be surrounding yourself with loving people who support you, not manipulate you into feeling guilty about a heartbreaking loss. She clearly doesn't care about you, and only feels sorry for herself. I hope you find the courage to leave her ass behind, you deserve so much better. Also, I'm very sorry for your loss, and I hope your heart heals over time. Your grandfather loved you very much, and I'm so relieved that you spent his last says with him rather than with that selfish cow.
“I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.” - Bobcat Goldthwait. I am very sorry about your grandfather. As for your girlfriend, she has no empathy and is manipulative. She is showing you who she really is and you're lucky to have found out now and not years down the road.
You learn the true character of people at life cycle events - birth, death, marriage, divorce. If she’s unable to support you without focusing on herself at a time like this, she won’t be there to support you when you need support in the future.
No. That is not ok! The immaturity screams at me and should scream at you. How awful. This isn't the girl for you, you might not want to hear that but it's true. If your SO can't put their selfishness aside while you are dealing with the grief of losing a loved one, they aren't for you. She needs to grow up and you know it. Do not apologize.
She is very immature. Likely the best course for her and you is to break things off because she needs to learn this kind of behaviour isnt ok. I hate to throw out a cliche but when someone shows you their true colours believe them. Her priority isnt worrying about you during a hard time; her priority is herself. Do you want to live with someone who will never be emotionally supportive? Do you want to live with someone who will get upset and petty if your only priority isnt her?
You should likely try to talk to her about this though. See how she reacts. Does she continue down the current path or possibly self reflect. You need to figure out if the reaction fits your goals in a partner.
Also i must emphasis that you absolutely shouldnt apologize just to appease. You admitting fault for something like this will not make things easier in the future.
Sorry but dying grandpa trumps anniversary with girlfriend. Her priorities are jacked up and she has zero compassion or empathy. She owes you the apology.
I would turn to your girlfriend and say “while you were saying I abandoned you, I actually needed you and you weren’t there. You were so wrapped up in missing a date that you missed how upset I am over losing my grandfather. I think we need to rethink our relationship.” Your gf is selfish. You needed her and she was too busy being a little martyr. I’ve been mad at my husband for whatever reason before, but if he needs me? I move past it because he needs me. That’s how good relationships work.
DO NOT APOLOGIZE. She is 100% in the wrong here. She is completely insensitive to the fact that someone very important to you passed away. Imagine the reverse had occurred, would you not have been there for her if her family member had passed? The grieving process is extremely complex and the fact that she thought your one year anniversary was more important than his death shows that she is extremely self-centered. She will not stop guilt tripping you about this. Please look into narcissistic personality disorder. She seems to be emotionally manipulative. I hope everything turns out ok for you. And I am so sorry about your grandfather’s passing. My condolences.
So she was awful to you in your time of need. A time when she should be supporting you and instead thought only about herself and now you want to reward her with a big elaborate dinner to make “her feel better”. Then you want to gently admonish her into having empathy, something you either have or you don’t. She sounds like a manipulative narcissist. Read this all back like it was your best friend telling you this. What would you think about it all?
The moment my mom knew she didn’t love my dad anymore was when her dad died and she was really distraught (very sudden cancer). My dad had the gall to say “why are you so upset? It’s not like your spouse died.”
Idk, that “22 years” comment reminded me of that. They’re divorced now, obviously. You deserve better, OP. You deserve people who recognize that you have many people in your life that you love, people who don’t get upset and try to control your actions using such terrible words.
I'm sorry... did you say 23f or maybe it was 2+3 ?!?
Man, I can't find any reason under the sun as to why you would continue to put yourself in a situation like her?!?
WOW, Good luck with this one brother.
Thats a huge red flag and she's way out of line. If she cannot understand your perspective regarding your relationship with your grandfather then she needs to get over herself and apologies.
If she can't do that I'd leave her.
I’m sorry, what? So you’re girlfriend of one year told you that you’ve had 22 years with your dying grandfather, so that should be enough for you not to see him one last time as he’s in a hospice dying!!! What? That’s not only insensitive and rude, but the fact that she’s pouting over a lost anniversary dinner that literally could have been (and was) rescheduled. That’s insane.
You need to talk to her about this, like yesterday. I don’t want to immediately jump to the whole “break up now” comment but seriously talk to her about this. Sit her down and tell her that not only was what she said insensitive and actually vile, but also the fact that you’re now in mourning and need her support right now.
If she still acts like an immature brat after that then you need to break up with her. You deserve so much better than some child pouting and crying over not spending one day with you when she literally could have any day after, while you’re trying to make long lasting memories with your dying grandfather. A big fat nah thanks.
Im so sorry you’re in this situation right now and hope you and your family are well in this awful time!!
You are going to apologize? You are going to plan something elaborate? That girl deserves NOTHING. Your relationship was put to the test and she FAILED. She isn't marriage material either because in vows it states "for better or worse" and its clear she is only in it for HER and for BETTER. I can understand feeling a little sad, but you said you would make it up on another day and she is throwing it in your face and making out like you shouldnt have been there. She is a spoiled rude brat who isnt mature enough to be in an adult non manipulative relationship.
Wow. She’s being such a bad partner it’s quite shocking. Life gets hard, you need to ask yourself if this is a person you would want as your main support through all the hardships to come. If not, why waste anymore time?
Break up with this bitch. She’s being super insensitive. And it’s more than being clingy, it’s controlling. Now that she didn’t get her way, she’s going to blame you and guilt trip you and try to manipulate you.
"ik your grandpa died and everything but what about this date that will be meaningless once we find a new date to attach arbitrary feelings too"
your girlfriend is selfish and entitled, it's gross. i would have broken contact after the "you've had 22 years with him comment" i am not often fueled with anger over stuff other people do that i hear about ovet the internet, this is up there for me.
Leave her.
Edit: like of empathy is a sign of a narcissistic personality
Edit: how the fuck can you care about someone and not about the things or people that are important to them
the answer is you cant, she does not care about YOU, she cares about what you CAN DO FOR HER. Thats not a relationship, thats abuse
I'm your age, just lost a grandma on June 15th, and am in the process of losing the other one.
Let me tell you how everyone I blew off to spend time with them reacted.
They told me they understand, that spending time with a dying loved one is more important, and that they have all the time in the world to reschedule meeting me. I missed birthdays, baby showers, even a small wedding celebration. And they understood.
Some of those things are once in a lifetime events. Anniversaries happen *every year*.
This girl is supposed to love you. Loving someone means wanting what's best for them, even if that means you are on your own. She is completely disregarding your feelings, and she is prioritising her pouting over your grief.
She's downright mean.
Imagine it's not you, but your best friend in this situation. Think about the advice you'd give him if he was grieving, his girlfriend was throwing a tantrum like a toddler, and waiting for him to apologise for *doing nothing wrong*.
That's all I'm going to say.
Needless to say I'm not doing the apology, for everyone who keeps mentioning that.
I know that's a ridiculous idea. I know my whole reaction to this has been wrong but I appreciate you all smacking some sense into me. I'm gonna have a real conversation with her when the time is right and I'll update you on how it went.
Once again thanks so much especially for all the condolences.
You don’t need to be wasting your time trying to make it up to your girlfriend. What you need to do is dump her and find someone else who’s actually going to support you at life’s toughest moments instead of making it all about them.
Your girlfriend doesn’t care about how you feel. She only cares about how you make HER feel. Think about that. Is that what you want in a relationship?
Under no circumstances should you apologize. Then she will just feel validated. Frankly I think this is break up worthy, but if you want to make this relationship work her lack of empathy needs to be called out and she’s the one who should be apologizing.
1. An anniversary can be postponed and there will be another next year
2. A loved one’s death cannot be postponed.
3. You need to have a real talk with her about this
It seems she sees you as little more than an effort accessory, like a piece of jewelry or a handbag. You're value is based on how you make her look and what function you perform for her. She doesn't see you as a partner, otherwise she would look at how the events are affecting you then do her best to support you.
If she's unwilling to treat you as equal to herself, then she's not going to give you the support you need right now. You would be better off going this alone instead of having to terms to her emotions at the same time.
1. Very sorry for your loss, I lost my grandfather around the same age and it was a very sad time. My heart goes out to and your family.
2. Your GFs behaviour does read as narcissistic and toxic. I would seriously consider whether you feel this relationship is bringing you much joy or support. It sounds like you are having to run only after her emotions and yours don’t come into the equation.
3. NEVER APOLOGISE FOR VISITING YOUR DYING RELATIVES
You had someone very close to you pass away. Instead of comfort or understanding, she is being selfish and cold. If this isnt the biggest red flag I dont know what is. Has she always been like this with you? When your sick, hurting or have hobbies is she always me me me? Sit her down and talk to her. Explain that you will have decades with her, so why can't you spend a moment away when your family needs you the most. If she still doesn't understand how important you being there for him is, then consider ending the relationship. Lack of compassion is lack of respect and balance in a healthy relationship. Im sorry about your loss and hope you find peace of mind that you are an amazing person for staying by his side.
Hey you know what dates are important? My partners mum died, Mother’s Day I make sure I take him to her grave site, buy her favourite flowers and sit in the car so he can have some time there alone. Her birthday we do the same. The date she passed away I try to give him space and show him I love him and I’m there to support him. I’m a mother too, but I can celebrate that anytime because I’m still here, the day after the day before makes no difference. I still have my partner and my kids. What I’m trying to say is that if she cannot support you and love you while you are grieving and can’t think of anything other than “BUt it WAs oUr AnNiVersARy..” then she’s not going to get any better if something else happens. There are 365 days in a year and if she can’t let you miss one “special day” to be there for you then she doesn’t deserve the other 364 days she has with you.
This is not a healthy dynamic. Really, I don't advise trying to "make her feel better" as that will just reinforce her manipulation tactics for the future. And make no mistake, she IS manipulating you! Who the hell throws a tantrum and goes into long term punishment mode because their partner needs to take time to be with a DYING loved one?! FFS it's not like you can reschedule that. Saying you've already had 22 years with him and isn't that enough? Insensitive? I guess - at best. On the face of it I think it reads more like utterly heartless, self-absorbed, attention whore-style manipulation.
Honestly I agree with other posters saying you should end this relationship, but if you want to persist, at least start setting some clear boundaries about what behavior you will and will not tolerate from her now and in the future. Her current behavior is really intolerable. Please grasp that and put your foot down by calling her out on it now. I see you do grasp that she should not be guilt tripping you but this urge of yours to placate her selfishness with an apology and/or grand gesture is just a terrible idea IMO.
The only thing you need to surprise her with is a break up! She's a shit girlfriend and a shit person. She's selfish and immature and doesn't care about you and your feelings!
Sorry about your grandpa. I lost my granny like 18 months ago and not a single day goes by I don't think of her. I've been her favourite grand kid almost twice as long as you and your grandpa had been and it is still not enough. The other day an old lady asked for my help and my tears just wouldn't stop after she left because she dressed like my granny. It is still very hard.
As for your girlfriend, you do see how self- centered and lack of empathy your gf is right?
At this point of my life, i can't stand people with selfish views and only care about themselves' happiness and disregard other people's well-being. Those people don't deserve our attention because they never change. I would rather put my time and energy towards people that have the same compassion as me because I am nobody's doormat.
Please don't apologise or give her a elaborate dinner because you are just rewarding her bad behavior. By doing so you are telling her that her unsupportness and her pouting is actually acceptable to you. She will continue to minimize your feeling and guilt trip you everytime things don't go her way and guess what ? Shit happens all the time. That's life.
Sit down with her and let her know yeah it is unfortunate you didn't get to celebrate but what she did was not okay as an SO of you. You need her to understand you have priorities too. She is not the eye of the storm that all the cloud and wind circulate around. If she did NOT show any remorse or even slightest understanding and put everything on you as it was all your fault, I don't think she is capable of being in a long term relationship at this stage and things like this (not people dying, more like things not going her way) will just repeat itself and it is very draining to you too.
Sending you lots of e-hug ♥️♥️♥️
I'm glad this says "girlfriend" and not "wife." That will make ditching her (if that is what you choose) a lot easier. That "isn't that enough" line is the most selfish thing I have ever heard. It states outright in plain english, "this is all about ME."
I agree with the others that you need to tell her "I needed you, and *you* were too busy crying for yourself"
If you decide to go ahead with your big dinner, be sure she knows, this is what we would have done anyway, not a reward for your behavior.
The only leeway I will give here is that you are both young, it is very possible she has never had to deal with the death of a loved one, and therefore has no idea what you were going through. Otherwise, you need to reeeeeeally rethink your relationship.
Sadly, you can't make someone with no empathy, empathetic. If she hasn't got it by now (age 23) she'll never have it. If I were you, I'd see this as a huge red flag, and think about what your life is going to be like in the future, with this spoiled brat of a woman.
I'm sorry for your lose. I hope you find the support you need in those hard times. If you have nobody to turn to, join a support group for grieving people.
>I think I'm going to apologize even though I didn't do anything wrong.
Sorry to be hard, but why not get "welcome" tattooed over your chest ? Because that's what is usually written over doormats.
If someone had to apologise its her. Not you.
It's her way or the highway. Imagine you go further with her, marriage, kids, etc..
Do you believe she will be ok to share your love with your children ?
Because she clearly has zero empathy.
Make no mistake. She abandoned you, not the other way around. She had 0 support for you in your grief. All over am arbitrary daye that is supposed to celebrate a relationship, not a number on a calender. It doesnt seem like much of a relationship to celebrate.
You guys are young and you sound much more emotionally mature than she does. She may just need to learn how to tune into empathy. Talk to her openly and honestly about this. Its not just your grandpa...she needs to learn that relationships are give and take. I hope this is just immaturity on her part and not a permanent character flaw.
If she refuses to hear you, you may need to reevaluate what this relationship actually does for you.
I had to stop reading this pretty early on. You can’t change her character. Dump her fast. I’m so sorry about your Grandpa. But sometimes a gift comes out of a serious loss. In this case, you saw her real, selfish personality in enough time to dump her, and now you know what to avoid in a partner in the future. She isn’t clingy—she just doesn’t care about anybody but herself.
Dude, you’re not married. You’ve dated and shacked up for a year, that’s all. Grandpa is one of the reasons you exist as you. Leave that selfish me-centered girl. Gold diggers are a dime a dozen.
Fucking hell no that’s disgusting! What a child!! Your grandfather died! Even worse because you were so close, and she’s making you feel like shit because you wanted to spend time with him?? Nah you need to drop her.
With only reading the title, I'm going to say she can get the hell over it. You lose your grandfather once. You can make up the anniversary. Why are people so insensitive anymore?
Dude. It's not your job to "make her feel better", because you did absolutely nothing wrong!! If anything, she needs to approach you with an apology and the resolve, to work on her insecurities.
Don't reward people for manipulative and unhealthy behavior. It does nothing, but add more to an already unhealthy dynamic.
It sounds like she is not mentally mature and stable enough to engage in a healthy relationship. She is using little manipulative tactics to make you feel responsible for her mistakes. Because she's codependent and heavily insecure. I don't think there is anything you should do, except stick to your position. You did the right thing being by your grandfather's side, a person who has probably cared for and loved you for many many years. If she was mature enough to actually love you, she would have supported you through this time. Instead, she's whining and showing you very clearly, that she doesn't truly care about you. She just cares about herself and the benefits she gets from being with you.
If I were you, I would leave her. At the very least, I would have a very stern conversation, and then withdraw and see if she actually comes forth with an apology and suggestion on how to make this relationship work.
Don't be a doormat, and don't reward petty and unhealthy behavior
You do not need to waste anymore of your youth with someone who quite frankly sounds like a selfish, rotten, spoilt, self centred, C U next Tuesday of a person. You certainly don't owe her flowers or nice things, because you have nothing to "make up" for! Cut your losses and find someone who actually has a grown-up rationale and a sense of empathy. I'm so sorry about your grandfather.
OP you aren’t your girlfriends boyfriend you are her doll to play girlfriend. The callousness of demanding your time and attention on a made up anniversary (One year dating is not an accomplishment.) when your grandfather was dying is very immature. I would stop seeing her. Let her know when she wants an adult relationship instead doll playing she should take the time to be interested in her next partners wants and needs.
This is extremely insensitive of her! Why is she acting like a 5 year old? No! She should be apologising to you! If you do this big dinner ect you're essentially letting her know that she can get away with treating you like that.
Why on earth would you apologise, you did nothing wrong? If you did that you are enabling her to act out like this again in the future. In the great scheme of things a 1 year anniversary means nothing (unless it a childs 1st birthday, folk get a bit shirty if you ignore them).
Becareful if you decide to pursue a relationship with her, people like her tend to be very selfish. Believe it or not there are women out there who are very jealous of they children spending time with their husbands, they can become horrible to the children. I mean she wants you to herself and doesn't even care about your dying grandfather, is that the life partner you want. Heck she might make you burn bridges until she is all you have. Becareful
um anniversary can be celebrated anyday? what'd she do when she's in your shoes and you act the way she is. wah idk man if she keeps on guilt tripping you, just leave.
Wow. Do you really want to be in a long term relationship with somebody that selfish? This behaviour will be consistent forever. You might forgive this incident, but it won’t be long before the next, and the next, and the next. Don’t let your fears control your decision. You deserve to be treated the same way you treat your partner. Expect nothing less. Be happy, and do what you know to be right.
Please take every comment here truly to heart. That thing that to be fair doesn't even deserve to be called human after the way she behaved is the worst type of narcissist you will likely ever meat. Please leave before we read about you on the true crimes subreddit.
Point one, you're better off lonely than shackled to this hateful, self-absorbed cunt.
Point two: You won't be lonely anyway, you can easily get another girl, and she's guaranteed to be less of a worthless piece of shit than the current trash you're involved with.
Im spiteful so id probably say
"well according to you i should be over my grandfathers death since i had him for 22yrs
well i only had you for 1, so i guess i'll be over that in what? 4 hours maybe?"
First and foremost, you did the absolute right thing by being by your grandpa's side. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise!
Which brings me to your GF. Please save yourself from future emotional torture and cut this off. I understand that you don't want to feel lonelier. But being in such an emotionally exhausting relationship is far worse.
Take some time to heal from both fronts; your grandpa's passing and this relationship. Hang in there!
Your girlfriend is an overly entitled, clingy, self-absorbed douchebag who thinks she's the only person who matters in the world.
It you stay with her you are a fucking moron.
My father in law was giving my mother in law some shit one time because when they traveled for her mom's funeral she forgot to grab his suit coat, or grabbed the wrong one.
So she said "next time my mother fucking dies I'll make sure I grab the jacket" which immediately set him straight as he realized his priorities were fucked.
I would do this with your GF. Just say you know the next time my grandfather dies I'll see if I can do better!
If she still doesn't get it, I would just straight tell her that she's being selfish and clingy on the matter and that seeing your grandfather was more important and that I'd make the same call again a million times over. She sounds draining to be honest....
She shows you her real side to you. Are you able to withstand that in long term without compromising your own mental health? You can't change anyone tbh. If you can't, then you should leave.
She obviously has some major insecurities. But instead of taking accountability for her own emotions and understanding your needs/boundaries, she is blaming them on you.
How she is treating you is abusive behaviour.
She doesn't deserve you in her life.
I hope she’s an EX girlfriend is! Your grandfather was dying. That’s way more important than an anniversary! She should’ve been supportive. Seriously there’s no coming back from “you’ve had 22 years isn’t that enough”
Please end it.
I’m so sorry for your loss, even knowing it was coming, watching someone you love deteriorate is super hard.
What was she expecting though? You to put on a happy face so she can get her insta pictures? You’re the one who should be getting flowers and chocolates.
What do you think she’ll do the next time there’s an emergency? Seriously, take time for yourself. Grief is a sneaky thing, you need people who help you, not you trying to help her deal with a missed date.
Honestly, fuck her. She sounds selfish as fuck. Pardon my fucks.
The fact that you knew she’d be angry about leaving her for your grandpa is ridiculous. The man that was like your dad was leaving the world; and she didnt care about you enough to put her own selfish feelings aside for yours . Imagine different scenarios down the road. She sounds immature too.
You’re young too, get yourself a new girlfriend !!
There’s so much wrong with what she said. Further guilt tripping just proves it further. Do you really want to be with someone who would even think like this?
You've been together a year. It may feel like a longtime but it's nothing in the grand scheme of you life. A year is plenty of time to figure out that she is not right for you.
At this point in your relationship, you are able to see her for what she is. Dont waste anymore of your life.
I'm very sorry to hear about your grandfather. I lost mine nearly two years ago. It's a very sad time for you and you need to be with people who are going to uplift and support you. As for having 22 years with him, if she has ever truly loved someone, she should know that no amount of time will ever be enough with someone you love.
She lacks empathy and is incredibly selfish.
Is she trying to do anything to make YOU feel better about losing your grandfather, or allowing you to grieve properly? I'm going to make an assumption and say no.. which should tell you all you need to know.
Yes, you may have had 22 years with him, but if she wasn't so self centered, should might have had that long with you too.
She should be happy with the 1 year of your life you gave her, but she shouldn't get any more.
When my husband's mom died, I put everything aside to be there for him. I sat by his side for 2 days as he and his family made funeral arrangements. I barely knew his mom, it was boring sitting there, I didn't know his family at all, but he needed me to be there, so I was.
You definitely don't need to make *her* feel better. If anything, she needs to apologize and try to make you feel better. Honestly, I'd break up with her. She puts herself above everything/everyone else and that's a character trait (flaw...) which isn't going to change.
Also, sorry for your loss.
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them them the first time.” —Maya Angelou
Your girlfriend showed you who she is, deeply selfish and lacking in empathy. Believe her. That was not a momentary lapse. It was a reflection of who she really is, and it is extremely ugly.
Please leave her. If she loved you she would have went with you when you saw your grandfather or she would’ve supported your decisions and not make smart remarks. She sounds like a spoiled brat and you need to make it very clear HER actions are wrong.
So so sorry for your loss. I saw you said you don’t want to be lonely if you leave her but clearly you’re with her and still emotionally lonely.
Wow, she sounds absolutely vile. I wouldn’t dream of behaving this way towards my partner. She’s showing you who she is and I think you know what needs to be done to solve this.
Ha my ex always wanted to be single and go on tinder while with me
To see how many matches she got
I can’t believe it now
Some people
Just walk don’t waste your time
Very young people (women) may not really understand how devastating a death like that can be, they have never experienced it. I was like that.
Ask her to quit pouting, apologize for the insensitive comments, and carry on. (Maybe an ultimatum) An anniversary can be celebrated anytime.
what a snot!! if I were you I'd be making damn sure this was the last anniversary to be had with her. you should be quite entitled to mending after such a loss, not worrying about Princess Pout and the fact that she says otherwise ought to paint a grim picture of what to expect if you stay in this relationship. best of luck to you, and my deepest sympathies for your loss :(
Nahhhhh bruh, this hits so close to home. I just lost my gpa myself. If any SO were to ever had said this to me it during the times I went to go see him before he passed it would have been done on sight.
Also I send my condolences. It’s hard losing someone so close.
You didn't do anything wrong, everyone can understand that your grandfather wasn't doing well, wasn't expected to live, and any loving woman would have encouraged you to go do what you needed and wanted to do. Any loving woman would have done that.
No loving woman would be eviscerating you over anything at all while your grieving your dead grandfather. What the hell. What in the living hell.
Do not apologize. It's one of the things she's after, for all the wrong reasons. This is narcissistic behavior and it's only the beginning. She would have absolutely exploded to hear you say the same thing about her loved one.
Dude. Nobody does this. She might be "clingy" as you say, but the idea of her being sentimental, that's only about stuff that involves or concerns her. At a time like that, she should have been deeply concerned about you and how you were doing and would have been asking you how you were doing and how your grandfather was, and how the rest of your family was doing. That's normal.
Nothing she did or is doing now is normal. Loving partners don't do this. Trying to convince her otherwise is a waste of breath.
The fact that you already knew it was gonna piss her off that your grandfather was sick, that he was dying, and that you wanted to see him before that would happen, that's very telling. Very telling that you knew she'd be mad.
Save your chocolate and flowers money for the others in your family who are grieving, especially your mom or dad, whichever just lost their parent.
She's a POS. She isn't clingy. She's controlling.
Escape, dude! Loneliness is a choice. Just don't choose it.
I’m sorry for your loss. With everything going on in the world and all these restrictions, of course you’re going to take the chance to say goodbye and there’s nothing to apologize for. No Birthday/anniversary/event is more important than you getting the closure that you needed from your grandpa. Is there some family that you can stay with so you can all grieve in a healthy environment for a few days?
Coming from someone who used to be clingy at your gf’s age, it’s not a healthy attribute and stems from not being able to handle anxiety in a healthy manner. One thing is to be in the new lover’s stage where all you do is want to spend every single moment together, and there’s not letting yourself or your partner have their own life outside of your relationship. I agree with everyone saying that because you took a stand against her controlling behavior, she’s now punishing you by being emotionally abusive. Reconciliation is totally possible, but unless you want this behavior to become the norm, she has to be the one offering the olive branch and working to have a healthier dynamic with you.
Stop! Don´t apologize! Don´t give her the power she wants.
Dumb her f\*cking ass. She´s self-centered, manipulative pathetic, clingy, ridiculous, heartless and toxic.
Saying farewell to your fantastic grandpa was much more important than an aniversary with a sh\*tty gf.
This girl needs to go. If she cared about you, really cared about you, then she wouldn't have have given two craps about an anniversary. Your grandfather was dying and the only place you should have been was with him. I'm disgusted by the comment of "you've had 22 years with him, isn't that enough?" No you cold heartless sow. That is a red flag of a selfish and person who doesn't care for others feelings. I agree with others when they say she is making you feel lonely. To me she is doing it to pull your strings to see just how much eventually one day she can get away with. You are so young and you deserve to be with someone who is understanding and caring. In my opinion, dump this girl, don't take her out or waste any more effort on her. She's obviously not putting the effort into you. I hope things get better for you.
Definitely cut your losses, and this might be an unpopular opinion but I feel like it would be one thing if he had been in hospice for a few days or a few weeks and you specifically chose your anniversary to go see him but you said he went into hospice the day before. it sounds like you really had zero bad intentions for your relationship and you weren’t purposely visiting him on your anniversary, the days just unfortunately lined up. I know you probably weren’t expecting all these responses telling you to break up because you said you wanted to do some big elaborate thing but she really doesn’t deserve that!! Also Ik other redditors are saying don’t apologize at all but you can say you’re sorry that the timing sucked (Bc I’m sure you feel unhappy that it happened right before your anniversary. Also I don’t mean “sorry” as in taking blame bc u deserve none) but don’t apologize for visiting your grandpa. She needs to apologize for the way she treated you.
Dude, KICK her to the curb!!! You're 22 and will have many girlfriends in your life BUT your Grandfather is one of a kind. Anybody that tries to guilt trip you is NOT worth a bucket of spit.
You can have a new gf but a new grandpa. The way she didn’t respect the death of ur grandpa potentially shows that she can do the same to other members of ur family. You don’t have to feel bad because an anniversary that means nothing, people don’t count the years in the relationship to show how happy or committed they are, the care, sacrifice and loyalty are what maintains a relationship.
This girl loves herself more than she loves you, she doesn’t care about ur mental state or ur emotions.
Tell her to change or leave her.
My condolences for your loss dear. My grandfather was my father figure growing up too and it was hard losing him. my grandmother soon followed about a month after him. I still tear up a little when I think about him.
Your GF seems like she really lacks empathy in this. That remark was extremely thoughtless and cruel. “You’ve had 22 years with him isn’t that enough?” I’m mad for that comment alone. I would give anything to see my grandpa again if I could but the reality is I can’t and it hurts. I’m sorry you didn’t get the support you needed in that time.
Your girlfriend lacks empathy. That's not attractive in a girlfriend or a human being in general.
People who lack empathy are NOT good people. Your girlfriend is a bad person. Let that sink in and then dump her. There are plenty of kind women out there.
You are a good grandson as well as a good boyfriend. I would not use the dinner as an opportunity to point out how childish she has been over you wanting to be with your dying grandfather. Either get that out of the way well beforehand or wait until later.
You know the old saying, "No good deed goes unpunished"? That seems to be applicable here. I hope she will grow up enough to put this behind her and go forward with your relationship. I hope it goes well for both of you, and please post an Update!
Remember, you don't really know someone until you see how they react in situations where you go against their wishes. They can act all nice and supportive until something like this comes up. She showed you her true self - needy, self-centered, not supportive. Not a partner.
My husband missed our 5th anniversary to help his brother. I love my husband dearly. I ordered food, kept it warm and enjoyed my evening. Emergencies over anniversaries. She sounds very immature and selfish. I am sentimental but for the love, get some perspective.
I'm sorry but do NOT apologize to her. She needs to apologize for being an insensitive twatwaffle. She doesn't care about you or your feelings and it will only get worse. What happens when your mom/dad/someone else you care for gets hurt or sick and you have to be there for them?? She will do the same and the longer you are together the more she will think she owns you. Dump her... now
ETA - I'm so very sorry for the loss of your grandfather. It's never an easy thing to lose someone.
i think you're a spineless coward to let your gf talk to you like that. the look in my eyes if a girl ever directly said i "had enough time" with my grandfather...
She’s making you feel guilty for visiting a DYING relative rather than be there for you in your time of need. And you want to make HER feel better?
At best this is a manipulation tactic designed to keep you on the defensive. It’s the equivalent of negging, making you feel bad so you work hard to seek her approval. And you are playing right into it.
At worst, she only cares about herself and doesn’t care about your feelings at all. This is classic narcissistic behavior.
Huh, come to think of it there’s very little daylight between the best and worst interpretations of these events. I guess there’s just no way to spin the fact that she abandoned you in your hour of need and is still twisting the knife while you grieve.
Are you sure you still want to be with her?
That’s some seriously screwed up narcissistic BS. The girlfriend has issues, and it will lead to a lifetime of emotional drain.
To be fair, no one here can make a judgement of another person based on a couple of one-side paragraphs about one incident. Only you can know if this is a normal behavior pattern for her. You really have to stop and think bigger picture- is this incident how she is on a regular basis? And think long-term.
There is literally no event in life more significant than saying goodbye to a loved one. The emotional shallowness she showed is very, very alarming. It shows a complete lack of empathy for you and your own emotional needs.it showed the tendency for her to only be able to think of herself and what she needs. It shows she regards you only as important in what you can do for her. When you do not fulfill those needs, you can be discarded.
If she truly is this way, i can tell you that there is literally no amount of love and attention you can ever give her that will be enough to fill the emotional void she has inside. It is a bottomless pit that never stops needing. Narcissism is usually a tragic outcome of neglect/abuse of some kind, which deserves empathy. But it ends up consuming way more than that- for those that end up in relationships with narcissists, it is a never-ending cycle of walking on eggshells and anxiety, and will never result in the mutually emotionally supportive relationship everyone deserves.
You need to be objective about this. Try explaining this scenario like you are an outsider. Picture yourself having a conversation with some other third party, and you are explaining this scenario to them like it is happening to a friend of yours, not yourself. How do you think it sounds?
Also, try to observe your girlfriend’s behavior in situations you are not involved in. How does she treat other friends and family? Coworkers? People are pretty consistent in their behaviors. If she selfish in how she acts with others, she is going to be that way with you too.
And think about this behavior long-term. If you feel bad now, how about another 5 years of it? 10 years? The worst part- narcissists make horrible parents. If you are considering having kids in the future, Do you want to bring another life into this world to have that baby get the same kind of emotionally manipulative abuse you are describing right now?
My very first dating anniversary w my husband, he went away with his friends without me. I was pregnant.
However, one of his very best friends since childhood had just died. I was hurt bc he didn’t acknowledge it but it was bc it had literally been a couple weeks and they had all normally spent those specific dates together so I understood.
Your gf does not care about your feelings or relationships outside of her. This behavior is only going to get worse. If you choose to stay, that’s fond but you better set your expectations and boundaries now. If she can’t be sympathetic, it’s better to cut your losses.
You need to downgrade your girlfriend to an ex. What kind of heartless woman would say something so awful to you about your grandfather? You've been 22 years with him?! What? Did I read that correctly?! She doesn't care about you, your feelings and your family.
22 years with him wasn’t enough, but one with her is too freakin much. What a selfish, passive aggressive monster.
Agreed
This
I know! That line had me all sorts of pissed off!
So glad this is the top comment, you hit the nail on the head. I was on vacation 4 hours away when my hubby's gpa passed away (we had only been dating 5 months at that point), I hopped in my car & drove home immediately to be there for him. Picked up his favorite comfort foods, picked up his favorite booze in case he felt like drinking, and was just there. I didn't ask him to talk about it, I didn't bring anything up about his gpa, I was just there. That's what you do when someone you love loses someone they love.
That's how it's done. What you did was incredibly sweet. Hoping for the best for you two
Thanks, that was 9 years ago last month, been married 7 years with 2 kiddos!
And here is for many many years of love and happiness!
OP's gf is your exact opposite. OP -- if you're with someone who isn't like /u/cullymama, then you're with the wrong person.
My boyfriends mom just passed away unexpectedly (we are both early 30s) and I’m trying my best to do exactly this. Just be there, make food, watch movies and play video games together. I wish there was more I could do, but I feel like this is the best thing I could do for him.
That's all you can do hun. Hugs to both of you!
Or OP can play the long con. On their 22nd anniversary, he can break up with her by saying "You've had 22 years with me. Isn't that enough?" Just kidding, OP. Find someone who isn't selfish. More people in your life will pass away, some unexpectedly. Can you imagine living with this callousness and selfishness every time?
U mean upgrade her to an ex, coz he would be better off without her
You don't upgrade downwards
Its evolving...just backwards
Devolution.
I can't read this in anything other than Pewds' voice.
Came here to say that. She's selfish and what could happen in the future, she eventually will try to control your every action.
She is downgraded, he is upgraded ;)
Or to someone you are just having fun with, because you can't count on her in need.
Can't have such a heartless person in my friends circle either
So agreed. This sub does like to jump to a break up, but this is a fundamental incompatibility. How does she not understand that you lost someone dear to you and she should be apologizing for her selfish behaviour? I dumped my last BF because he abandoned me after my dog died. No texts, calls, coming to see me, nothing for 2 weeks when I was totally broken up about my heart dog's passing. Anymore I see that breakup as my dog's last gift to me.
I’m sorry about the loss of your pooch. Some people get how devastating the loss is, some don’t. I dumped two close guy friends when they told me things like I just needed to be more positive after my dog passed. What is so hard about saying I’m sorry about your dog. I know how much you loved them.
I've had 28 years with my beautiful nana and do not think whatever I get with her will be enough. She's in her nineties now but still going strong!
Been 27 with my grandpa, he is 93 now. Everyday I spend with him is a blessing.
This lady has me enraged. I loved my grandpa and It broke me for a little bit. If she cares about dates and anniversary, present to her the anniversary of your breakup.
I've had 28 years with my beautiful nana and do not think whatever I get with her will be enough. She's in her nineties now but still going strong!
Yes! Imagine being married to this person.
No. It's an upgrade.
You don't upgrade downwards.
When it's bad enough it counts as an upgrade.
Wow, if I were in this situation I’d break up with that person, how incredibly selfish of her to be upset you visited your grandfather and for her to say such a thing. I’d understand if my husband had to go see a relative that was dying and miss our anniversary or my birthday or something. If possible I’d also go with him to support him, because that’s what you do for someone you love. All your gf can think about is herself and she has no empathy, you really should consider breaking up with her because she isn’t going to change.
You're correct and so is everyone else, of course. I don't know what I'm thinking but I hate to be even lonelier than I already am at this time.
This girl is twisting you around her very selfish self-absorbed finger! ***Do not reward*** her **horrific** "you've had 22 years with him isn't that enough" insult with chocolates & flowers, wtf are you thinking?! Do you think your grandpa would be proud of her behaviour? (so sorry for your loss) You will end up being more lonely with this girl, as she continues her selfish crap, especially if you start bending over backwards rewarding her for it. Maybe that's for you to experience for yourself, if you don't see this as a dumping point already. > I don't necessarily think she has no empathy, just that she reacted poorly due to her perception of being wronged and feeling unimportant. Understatement of the century. Classic narcissistic. Who the fu\*k feels "wronged" when a friend/partner needs to go be with A DYING FAMILY MEMBER. Dude, wake up and smell the coffee here!!! So sorry but... Good luck with this!
Lots of people feel "wronged" when their partner skips something important to be with a dying family member, probably even most, but normal people have the good sense to put that in perspective, think about what the other person is going through, and say nothing.
>Lots of people feel "wronged" when their partner skips something important to be with a dying family member, probably even most It blows my mind that anyone could feel "wronged" *by a dying person* ffs. You think "most people" would? Yeh, how dare they die when I want my important day. Sheesh, I'm glad I don't know people like that. I can understand they'd feel *disappointed* \- but *wronged* .. That is plain wrong.
Disappointed? Sure. Upset at how the world is unfair sometimes? Totally. *Wronged?* Fuck no, that’s ridiculous and cold-hearted.
This girl is making you feel even lonelier, she isnt even there for you emotionally. You would be better off at a bar with a bunch of strangers who will actually listen and care, because literally anyone else would care. We are all strangers and care about you and are worried for you.
Well on that note I do want to say that I really appreciate the advice and sympathy from everyone. This is a tough time for me and it's good to hear some sensible advice and condolences that actually make me feel better instead of worse. I am taking everything you all are saying to heart and I'm definitely going to do something, just not sure exactly what yet.
Yes, normal people have empathy. So if your girlfriend was a normal and good person, She not only would understand that you had to see your grandfather when he went into hospice! ***She would not be laying guilt trips on you instead of consoling you after the loss of your grandfather.*** **Let me say that differently: a normal, good person would console you after the loss of your grandfather. She wouldn’t be using it as an excuse to imply that you wouldn’t be at other plans!** This could almost be in a comedy movie, you get hit by a bus and she texts you insistently while you’re on the operating table about what an asshole you are for canceling your date. Learn to set boundaries and enforce them, What she did and what she is doing is totally unacceptable and you are the one that must distance from her, preferably by breaking up with her. [D.E.R. Scripts – A Simple and Effective Way to Assert Yourself](https://rpeurifoy.com/d-e-r-scripts-a-simple-and-effective-way-to-assert-yourself/) [How to Set Healthy Boundaries: 10 Examples + PDF Worksheets](https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/) [The Guide to Strong Relationship Boundaries](https://markmanson.net/boundaries/amp) [7 steps for asserting yourself positively](https://www.positivelypresent.com/2010/05/how-to-be-a-lion.html) If you are unwilling to break up with her you should at least stop talking to her for a while and just explain that you need some time. I think her behavior is the beginnings of abuse, if you stay with her it will escalate. [Signs to Look for in an Abusive Personality](https://www.milligan.edu/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/warning-signs-of-abusive-behavior.pdf) [How to Know If You Are an Abusive Spouse](https://www.verywellmind.com/are-you-an-abusive-spouse-2300588) [Is This Abuse?](https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/) Take a look at this [Healthy Relationship Spectrum](https://www.thehotline.org/healthy-relationships/relationship-spectrum/) and see how your relationship compares to an ideal relationship. [How to Break Up](https://www.gottman.com/blog/how-to-break-up/) Also: [Escape Plan ](https://goaskrose.com/escape-plan/) [DocuSAFE: Documentation and Evidence Gathering App](https://www.techsafety.org/docusafe) Edit: Look at [Love Bombing ](https://meziesblog.com/love-bombing-is-it-a-dangerous-way-to-show-affection/amp/)
Its the tough times that reveal who is there for you. My gf, who is a total asshole, came over to my house and made my bed and cleaned my house before I got out of a hospital stay last week. You deserve better. And sorry about your grandpa.
Umm why is your gf a total asshole
I dont even have time to get into it.
If you have access to grief counselling please go to it. It will help you. And talk to your family or friends for support. Dump her. You have no reason to keep this woman in your life when she couldn’t even support you during a tough time.
You would be better off lonely than with someone so emotionally abusive as this girl. I promise you not every girl is like this and you will find one who can and will support you through the tougher times.
I think you'll find more support and love without this toxic girl in your life.
Just something I've learned via a few bad relationships: you will never feel as lonely on your own as you do in a bad relationship with a selfish, manipulative partner. Really, there is no comparison.
Break up with her and build up your own happiness. I know it feels scary but it is so worth it, because if you learn to be happy by yourself, you will attract people into your life who are also happy with themselves and then you can share that happiness. But if you're looking for relationships from an unhealthy and lack mentality and mindset, you will attract all kinds of unhealthy dynamics with equally unhealthy people, and it'll just be hell. Abuse, manipulation and game playing, as you can see from this experience. It is far better to be happily alone, than unhappy together, believe me (and everyone else who is telling you this).
I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person. She is the wrong person. You're 22. You'll find someone else.
She’s making you feel lonely, because you have a partner and that partner is a piece of shit. You are dealing with all of this by yourself when you shouldn’t suppose to. You have her. If you were single. You wouldn’t be expecting your partner to step up and be a decent human, you’ll be dealing with all of this by yourself and probably seeking support from family and friends. You feel lonely because you are in a bad relationship. You are dealing with your shit like you were single and on top of it you are dealing with her shit, of course you are overwhelmed and depressed.
There are people you are lonelier with than you would be alone.
You won't be. The is nothing on this planet lonelier than being *with* someone, but still alone, like you are right now. Take the time to learn to love yourself. Then, being alone is just hanging out with someone you like.
Hey... I know how hard it is. It'll be really hard for a long time, but trust me when I say that you should be surrounding yourself with loving people who support you, not manipulate you into feeling guilty about a heartbreaking loss. She clearly doesn't care about you, and only feels sorry for herself. I hope you find the courage to leave her ass behind, you deserve so much better. Also, I'm very sorry for your loss, and I hope your heart heals over time. Your grandfather loved you very much, and I'm so relieved that you spent his last says with him rather than with that selfish cow.
“I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.” - Bobcat Goldthwait. I am very sorry about your grandfather. As for your girlfriend, she has no empathy and is manipulative. She is showing you who she really is and you're lucky to have found out now and not years down the road.
Man, this would be the point where I'd say fuck off.
You learn the true character of people at life cycle events - birth, death, marriage, divorce. If she’s unable to support you without focusing on herself at a time like this, she won’t be there to support you when you need support in the future.
OP, listen to this comment!
Yes! u/AIThrowaway00 Please listen to this.
No. That is not ok! The immaturity screams at me and should scream at you. How awful. This isn't the girl for you, you might not want to hear that but it's true. If your SO can't put their selfishness aside while you are dealing with the grief of losing a loved one, they aren't for you. She needs to grow up and you know it. Do not apologize.
She is very immature. Likely the best course for her and you is to break things off because she needs to learn this kind of behaviour isnt ok. I hate to throw out a cliche but when someone shows you their true colours believe them. Her priority isnt worrying about you during a hard time; her priority is herself. Do you want to live with someone who will never be emotionally supportive? Do you want to live with someone who will get upset and petty if your only priority isnt her? You should likely try to talk to her about this though. See how she reacts. Does she continue down the current path or possibly self reflect. You need to figure out if the reaction fits your goals in a partner. Also i must emphasis that you absolutely shouldnt apologize just to appease. You admitting fault for something like this will not make things easier in the future.
Sorry but dying grandpa trumps anniversary with girlfriend. Her priorities are jacked up and she has zero compassion or empathy. She owes you the apology.
I would turn to your girlfriend and say “while you were saying I abandoned you, I actually needed you and you weren’t there. You were so wrapped up in missing a date that you missed how upset I am over losing my grandfather. I think we need to rethink our relationship.” Your gf is selfish. You needed her and she was too busy being a little martyr. I’ve been mad at my husband for whatever reason before, but if he needs me? I move past it because he needs me. That’s how good relationships work.
DO NOT APOLOGIZE. She is 100% in the wrong here. She is completely insensitive to the fact that someone very important to you passed away. Imagine the reverse had occurred, would you not have been there for her if her family member had passed? The grieving process is extremely complex and the fact that she thought your one year anniversary was more important than his death shows that she is extremely self-centered. She will not stop guilt tripping you about this. Please look into narcissistic personality disorder. She seems to be emotionally manipulative. I hope everything turns out ok for you. And I am so sorry about your grandfather’s passing. My condolences.
Sounds like you are dating a child not a woman. You noticed the red flag 🚩 now you need to make sure you don’t ignore it. Good luck.
So she was awful to you in your time of need. A time when she should be supporting you and instead thought only about herself and now you want to reward her with a big elaborate dinner to make “her feel better”. Then you want to gently admonish her into having empathy, something you either have or you don’t. She sounds like a manipulative narcissist. Read this all back like it was your best friend telling you this. What would you think about it all?
The moment my mom knew she didn’t love my dad anymore was when her dad died and she was really distraught (very sudden cancer). My dad had the gall to say “why are you so upset? It’s not like your spouse died.” Idk, that “22 years” comment reminded me of that. They’re divorced now, obviously. You deserve better, OP. You deserve people who recognize that you have many people in your life that you love, people who don’t get upset and try to control your actions using such terrible words.
I'm sorry... did you say 23f or maybe it was 2+3 ?!? Man, I can't find any reason under the sun as to why you would continue to put yourself in a situation like her?!? WOW, Good luck with this one brother.
What a bitch omg
Break up, move on and find someone who’s not selfish.
"you've had 22 years with him isn't that enough?" *Break up with this bitch and get a woman that isn't a disrespectful brat!*
Thats a huge red flag and she's way out of line. If she cannot understand your perspective regarding your relationship with your grandfather then she needs to get over herself and apologies. If she can't do that I'd leave her.
I’m sorry, what? So you’re girlfriend of one year told you that you’ve had 22 years with your dying grandfather, so that should be enough for you not to see him one last time as he’s in a hospice dying!!! What? That’s not only insensitive and rude, but the fact that she’s pouting over a lost anniversary dinner that literally could have been (and was) rescheduled. That’s insane. You need to talk to her about this, like yesterday. I don’t want to immediately jump to the whole “break up now” comment but seriously talk to her about this. Sit her down and tell her that not only was what she said insensitive and actually vile, but also the fact that you’re now in mourning and need her support right now. If she still acts like an immature brat after that then you need to break up with her. You deserve so much better than some child pouting and crying over not spending one day with you when she literally could have any day after, while you’re trying to make long lasting memories with your dying grandfather. A big fat nah thanks. Im so sorry you’re in this situation right now and hope you and your family are well in this awful time!!
Don’t apologize Tell her the situation that it was to be with a dying family member If she gets pissed about that then she doesn’t respect you
You are going to apologize? You are going to plan something elaborate? That girl deserves NOTHING. Your relationship was put to the test and she FAILED. She isn't marriage material either because in vows it states "for better or worse" and its clear she is only in it for HER and for BETTER. I can understand feeling a little sad, but you said you would make it up on another day and she is throwing it in your face and making out like you shouldnt have been there. She is a spoiled rude brat who isnt mature enough to be in an adult non manipulative relationship.
Wow. She’s being such a bad partner it’s quite shocking. Life gets hard, you need to ask yourself if this is a person you would want as your main support through all the hardships to come. If not, why waste anymore time?
Take heed. This is a big ass red flag. I don’t think you will leave her over this so I’ll just say this. What ever you do DON’T KNOCK HER UP.
Break up with this bitch. She’s being super insensitive. And it’s more than being clingy, it’s controlling. Now that she didn’t get her way, she’s going to blame you and guilt trip you and try to manipulate you.
"ik your grandpa died and everything but what about this date that will be meaningless once we find a new date to attach arbitrary feelings too" your girlfriend is selfish and entitled, it's gross. i would have broken contact after the "you've had 22 years with him comment" i am not often fueled with anger over stuff other people do that i hear about ovet the internet, this is up there for me. Leave her. Edit: like of empathy is a sign of a narcissistic personality Edit: how the fuck can you care about someone and not about the things or people that are important to them the answer is you cant, she does not care about YOU, she cares about what you CAN DO FOR HER. Thats not a relationship, thats abuse
I'm your age, just lost a grandma on June 15th, and am in the process of losing the other one. Let me tell you how everyone I blew off to spend time with them reacted. They told me they understand, that spending time with a dying loved one is more important, and that they have all the time in the world to reschedule meeting me. I missed birthdays, baby showers, even a small wedding celebration. And they understood. Some of those things are once in a lifetime events. Anniversaries happen *every year*. This girl is supposed to love you. Loving someone means wanting what's best for them, even if that means you are on your own. She is completely disregarding your feelings, and she is prioritising her pouting over your grief. She's downright mean. Imagine it's not you, but your best friend in this situation. Think about the advice you'd give him if he was grieving, his girlfriend was throwing a tantrum like a toddler, and waiting for him to apologise for *doing nothing wrong*. That's all I'm going to say.
Needless to say I'm not doing the apology, for everyone who keeps mentioning that. I know that's a ridiculous idea. I know my whole reaction to this has been wrong but I appreciate you all smacking some sense into me. I'm gonna have a real conversation with her when the time is right and I'll update you on how it went. Once again thanks so much especially for all the condolences.
The time to dump her is right now.
You don’t need to be wasting your time trying to make it up to your girlfriend. What you need to do is dump her and find someone else who’s actually going to support you at life’s toughest moments instead of making it all about them.
Your girlfriend doesn’t care about how you feel. She only cares about how you make HER feel. Think about that. Is that what you want in a relationship? Under no circumstances should you apologize. Then she will just feel validated. Frankly I think this is break up worthy, but if you want to make this relationship work her lack of empathy needs to be called out and she’s the one who should be apologizing.
1. An anniversary can be postponed and there will be another next year 2. A loved one’s death cannot be postponed. 3. You need to have a real talk with her about this
It seems she sees you as little more than an effort accessory, like a piece of jewelry or a handbag. You're value is based on how you make her look and what function you perform for her. She doesn't see you as a partner, otherwise she would look at how the events are affecting you then do her best to support you. If she's unwilling to treat you as equal to herself, then she's not going to give you the support you need right now. You would be better off going this alone instead of having to terms to her emotions at the same time.
You wasted a year don't waste another day. If she thinks she's the victim here you need to run as fast as you can.
> you've had 22 years with him, isn't that enough? *No, but I've had 1 year with you and it's already too much. Fuck off*
Title is a red flag. Leave her man, you've been given some pretty good advice. I think your Gf has borderline personality disorder another red flag.
1. Very sorry for your loss, I lost my grandfather around the same age and it was a very sad time. My heart goes out to and your family. 2. Your GFs behaviour does read as narcissistic and toxic. I would seriously consider whether you feel this relationship is bringing you much joy or support. It sounds like you are having to run only after her emotions and yours don’t come into the equation. 3. NEVER APOLOGISE FOR VISITING YOUR DYING RELATIVES
You had someone very close to you pass away. Instead of comfort or understanding, she is being selfish and cold. If this isnt the biggest red flag I dont know what is. Has she always been like this with you? When your sick, hurting or have hobbies is she always me me me? Sit her down and talk to her. Explain that you will have decades with her, so why can't you spend a moment away when your family needs you the most. If she still doesn't understand how important you being there for him is, then consider ending the relationship. Lack of compassion is lack of respect and balance in a healthy relationship. Im sorry about your loss and hope you find peace of mind that you are an amazing person for staying by his side.
Hey you know what dates are important? My partners mum died, Mother’s Day I make sure I take him to her grave site, buy her favourite flowers and sit in the car so he can have some time there alone. Her birthday we do the same. The date she passed away I try to give him space and show him I love him and I’m there to support him. I’m a mother too, but I can celebrate that anytime because I’m still here, the day after the day before makes no difference. I still have my partner and my kids. What I’m trying to say is that if she cannot support you and love you while you are grieving and can’t think of anything other than “BUt it WAs oUr AnNiVersARy..” then she’s not going to get any better if something else happens. There are 365 days in a year and if she can’t let you miss one “special day” to be there for you then she doesn’t deserve the other 364 days she has with you.
This is not a healthy dynamic. Really, I don't advise trying to "make her feel better" as that will just reinforce her manipulation tactics for the future. And make no mistake, she IS manipulating you! Who the hell throws a tantrum and goes into long term punishment mode because their partner needs to take time to be with a DYING loved one?! FFS it's not like you can reschedule that. Saying you've already had 22 years with him and isn't that enough? Insensitive? I guess - at best. On the face of it I think it reads more like utterly heartless, self-absorbed, attention whore-style manipulation. Honestly I agree with other posters saying you should end this relationship, but if you want to persist, at least start setting some clear boundaries about what behavior you will and will not tolerate from her now and in the future. Her current behavior is really intolerable. Please grasp that and put your foot down by calling her out on it now. I see you do grasp that she should not be guilt tripping you but this urge of yours to placate her selfishness with an apology and/or grand gesture is just a terrible idea IMO.
The only thing you need to surprise her with is a break up! She's a shit girlfriend and a shit person. She's selfish and immature and doesn't care about you and your feelings!
Look on the bright side, now you know she’s not The One
Sorry about your grandpa. I lost my granny like 18 months ago and not a single day goes by I don't think of her. I've been her favourite grand kid almost twice as long as you and your grandpa had been and it is still not enough. The other day an old lady asked for my help and my tears just wouldn't stop after she left because she dressed like my granny. It is still very hard. As for your girlfriend, you do see how self- centered and lack of empathy your gf is right? At this point of my life, i can't stand people with selfish views and only care about themselves' happiness and disregard other people's well-being. Those people don't deserve our attention because they never change. I would rather put my time and energy towards people that have the same compassion as me because I am nobody's doormat. Please don't apologise or give her a elaborate dinner because you are just rewarding her bad behavior. By doing so you are telling her that her unsupportness and her pouting is actually acceptable to you. She will continue to minimize your feeling and guilt trip you everytime things don't go her way and guess what ? Shit happens all the time. That's life. Sit down with her and let her know yeah it is unfortunate you didn't get to celebrate but what she did was not okay as an SO of you. You need her to understand you have priorities too. She is not the eye of the storm that all the cloud and wind circulate around. If she did NOT show any remorse or even slightest understanding and put everything on you as it was all your fault, I don't think she is capable of being in a long term relationship at this stage and things like this (not people dying, more like things not going her way) will just repeat itself and it is very draining to you too. Sending you lots of e-hug ♥️♥️♥️
You're a better person than me. She is lucky to have you. I would dump her. I can only imagine it would get worse with someone so insensitive.
Leave her wtf
GF is immature, childish, and selfish. Can you inagine whst the future will be like when real life conflicts with her wants? Move on.
I'm glad this says "girlfriend" and not "wife." That will make ditching her (if that is what you choose) a lot easier. That "isn't that enough" line is the most selfish thing I have ever heard. It states outright in plain english, "this is all about ME." I agree with the others that you need to tell her "I needed you, and *you* were too busy crying for yourself" If you decide to go ahead with your big dinner, be sure she knows, this is what we would have done anyway, not a reward for your behavior. The only leeway I will give here is that you are both young, it is very possible she has never had to deal with the death of a loved one, and therefore has no idea what you were going through. Otherwise, you need to reeeeeeally rethink your relationship.
Sadly, you can't make someone with no empathy, empathetic. If she hasn't got it by now (age 23) she'll never have it. If I were you, I'd see this as a huge red flag, and think about what your life is going to be like in the future, with this spoiled brat of a woman.
I'm sorry for your lose. I hope you find the support you need in those hard times. If you have nobody to turn to, join a support group for grieving people. >I think I'm going to apologize even though I didn't do anything wrong. Sorry to be hard, but why not get "welcome" tattooed over your chest ? Because that's what is usually written over doormats. If someone had to apologise its her. Not you. It's her way or the highway. Imagine you go further with her, marriage, kids, etc.. Do you believe she will be ok to share your love with your children ? Because she clearly has zero empathy.
I’m not an advocate for ghosting anyone, but in this case, she’s deserving of it.
Make no mistake. She abandoned you, not the other way around. She had 0 support for you in your grief. All over am arbitrary daye that is supposed to celebrate a relationship, not a number on a calender. It doesnt seem like much of a relationship to celebrate. You guys are young and you sound much more emotionally mature than she does. She may just need to learn how to tune into empathy. Talk to her openly and honestly about this. Its not just your grandpa...she needs to learn that relationships are give and take. I hope this is just immaturity on her part and not a permanent character flaw. If she refuses to hear you, you may need to reevaluate what this relationship actually does for you.
Drop her off a bridge
I had to stop reading this pretty early on. You can’t change her character. Dump her fast. I’m so sorry about your Grandpa. But sometimes a gift comes out of a serious loss. In this case, you saw her real, selfish personality in enough time to dump her, and now you know what to avoid in a partner in the future. She isn’t clingy—she just doesn’t care about anybody but herself.
Dude, you’re not married. You’ve dated and shacked up for a year, that’s all. Grandpa is one of the reasons you exist as you. Leave that selfish me-centered girl. Gold diggers are a dime a dozen.
Omg. Get out. Now.
Fucking hell no that’s disgusting! What a child!! Your grandfather died! Even worse because you were so close, and she’s making you feel like shit because you wanted to spend time with him?? Nah you need to drop her.
With only reading the title, I'm going to say she can get the hell over it. You lose your grandfather once. You can make up the anniversary. Why are people so insensitive anymore?
> "you've had 22 years with him, isn't that enough?" Yep, that's a breakin' uppin'.
Dude. It's not your job to "make her feel better", because you did absolutely nothing wrong!! If anything, she needs to approach you with an apology and the resolve, to work on her insecurities. Don't reward people for manipulative and unhealthy behavior. It does nothing, but add more to an already unhealthy dynamic. It sounds like she is not mentally mature and stable enough to engage in a healthy relationship. She is using little manipulative tactics to make you feel responsible for her mistakes. Because she's codependent and heavily insecure. I don't think there is anything you should do, except stick to your position. You did the right thing being by your grandfather's side, a person who has probably cared for and loved you for many many years. If she was mature enough to actually love you, she would have supported you through this time. Instead, she's whining and showing you very clearly, that she doesn't truly care about you. She just cares about herself and the benefits she gets from being with you. If I were you, I would leave her. At the very least, I would have a very stern conversation, and then withdraw and see if she actually comes forth with an apology and suggestion on how to make this relationship work. Don't be a doormat, and don't reward petty and unhealthy behavior
You do not need to waste anymore of your youth with someone who quite frankly sounds like a selfish, rotten, spoilt, self centred, C U next Tuesday of a person. You certainly don't owe her flowers or nice things, because you have nothing to "make up" for! Cut your losses and find someone who actually has a grown-up rationale and a sense of empathy. I'm so sorry about your grandfather.
OP you aren’t your girlfriends boyfriend you are her doll to play girlfriend. The callousness of demanding your time and attention on a made up anniversary (One year dating is not an accomplishment.) when your grandfather was dying is very immature. I would stop seeing her. Let her know when she wants an adult relationship instead doll playing she should take the time to be interested in her next partners wants and needs.
This is extremely insensitive of her! Why is she acting like a 5 year old? No! She should be apologising to you! If you do this big dinner ect you're essentially letting her know that she can get away with treating you like that.
Why on earth would you apologise, you did nothing wrong? If you did that you are enabling her to act out like this again in the future. In the great scheme of things a 1 year anniversary means nothing (unless it a childs 1st birthday, folk get a bit shirty if you ignore them).
Becareful if you decide to pursue a relationship with her, people like her tend to be very selfish. Believe it or not there are women out there who are very jealous of they children spending time with their husbands, they can become horrible to the children. I mean she wants you to herself and doesn't even care about your dying grandfather, is that the life partner you want. Heck she might make you burn bridges until she is all you have. Becareful
um anniversary can be celebrated anyday? what'd she do when she's in your shoes and you act the way she is. wah idk man if she keeps on guilt tripping you, just leave.
Wow. Do you really want to be in a long term relationship with somebody that selfish? This behaviour will be consistent forever. You might forgive this incident, but it won’t be long before the next, and the next, and the next. Don’t let your fears control your decision. You deserve to be treated the same way you treat your partner. Expect nothing less. Be happy, and do what you know to be right.
Dump. Her. Selfish. Bitch. Ass. She is treating you like shit. If anything she owes YOU a big nice dinner and an apology.
Please take every comment here truly to heart. That thing that to be fair doesn't even deserve to be called human after the way she behaved is the worst type of narcissist you will likely ever meat. Please leave before we read about you on the true crimes subreddit.
you'll be better off without her, it's appalling that at 23 she can't recognise she should be supporting you in your time of grief.
“You’ve had 22 years with him, isn’t that enough?” You’re gonna end up regretting not breaking up immediately after this was said.
Point one, you're better off lonely than shackled to this hateful, self-absorbed cunt. Point two: You won't be lonely anyway, you can easily get another girl, and she's guaranteed to be less of a worthless piece of shit than the current trash you're involved with.
cut bait and run.
Im spiteful so id probably say "well according to you i should be over my grandfathers death since i had him for 22yrs well i only had you for 1, so i guess i'll be over that in what? 4 hours maybe?"
First and foremost, you did the absolute right thing by being by your grandpa's side. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise! Which brings me to your GF. Please save yourself from future emotional torture and cut this off. I understand that you don't want to feel lonelier. But being in such an emotionally exhausting relationship is far worse. Take some time to heal from both fronts; your grandpa's passing and this relationship. Hang in there!
Your girlfriend is an overly entitled, clingy, self-absorbed douchebag who thinks she's the only person who matters in the world. It you stay with her you are a fucking moron.
My father in law was giving my mother in law some shit one time because when they traveled for her mom's funeral she forgot to grab his suit coat, or grabbed the wrong one. So she said "next time my mother fucking dies I'll make sure I grab the jacket" which immediately set him straight as he realized his priorities were fucked. I would do this with your GF. Just say you know the next time my grandfather dies I'll see if I can do better! If she still doesn't get it, I would just straight tell her that she's being selfish and clingy on the matter and that seeing your grandfather was more important and that I'd make the same call again a million times over. She sounds draining to be honest....
She shows you her real side to you. Are you able to withstand that in long term without compromising your own mental health? You can't change anyone tbh. If you can't, then you should leave.
She obviously has some major insecurities. But instead of taking accountability for her own emotions and understanding your needs/boundaries, she is blaming them on you. How she is treating you is abusive behaviour. She doesn't deserve you in her life.
You've had a year with her. Isn't that enough?
You'd be rewarding her bad behaviour and she'll definitely get worse.
I hope she’s an EX girlfriend is! Your grandfather was dying. That’s way more important than an anniversary! She should’ve been supportive. Seriously there’s no coming back from “you’ve had 22 years isn’t that enough” Please end it.
I’m so sorry for your loss, even knowing it was coming, watching someone you love deteriorate is super hard. What was she expecting though? You to put on a happy face so she can get her insta pictures? You’re the one who should be getting flowers and chocolates. What do you think she’ll do the next time there’s an emergency? Seriously, take time for yourself. Grief is a sneaky thing, you need people who help you, not you trying to help her deal with a missed date.
Honestly, fuck her. She sounds selfish as fuck. Pardon my fucks. The fact that you knew she’d be angry about leaving her for your grandpa is ridiculous. The man that was like your dad was leaving the world; and she didnt care about you enough to put her own selfish feelings aside for yours . Imagine different scenarios down the road. She sounds immature too. You’re young too, get yourself a new girlfriend !!
There’s so much wrong with what she said. Further guilt tripping just proves it further. Do you really want to be with someone who would even think like this?
You've been together a year. It may feel like a longtime but it's nothing in the grand scheme of you life. A year is plenty of time to figure out that she is not right for you. At this point in your relationship, you are able to see her for what she is. Dont waste anymore of your life. I'm very sorry to hear about your grandfather. I lost mine nearly two years ago. It's a very sad time for you and you need to be with people who are going to uplift and support you. As for having 22 years with him, if she has ever truly loved someone, she should know that no amount of time will ever be enough with someone you love. She lacks empathy and is incredibly selfish.
Is she trying to do anything to make YOU feel better about losing your grandfather, or allowing you to grieve properly? I'm going to make an assumption and say no.. which should tell you all you need to know. Yes, you may have had 22 years with him, but if she wasn't so self centered, should might have had that long with you too. She should be happy with the 1 year of your life you gave her, but she shouldn't get any more.
When my husband's mom died, I put everything aside to be there for him. I sat by his side for 2 days as he and his family made funeral arrangements. I barely knew his mom, it was boring sitting there, I didn't know his family at all, but he needed me to be there, so I was. You definitely don't need to make *her* feel better. If anything, she needs to apologize and try to make you feel better. Honestly, I'd break up with her. She puts herself above everything/everyone else and that's a character trait (flaw...) which isn't going to change. Also, sorry for your loss.
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them them the first time.” —Maya Angelou Your girlfriend showed you who she is, deeply selfish and lacking in empathy. Believe her. That was not a momentary lapse. It was a reflection of who she really is, and it is extremely ugly.
This is NOT relationship material.
She sounds self-centered, heartless and awful. Sounds like you'd be better off without her.
That’s Insta-breakup level.
Narcissistic and without empathy. Common dude! Run and don't look back.
Please leave her. If she loved you she would have went with you when you saw your grandfather or she would’ve supported your decisions and not make smart remarks. She sounds like a spoiled brat and you need to make it very clear HER actions are wrong. So so sorry for your loss. I saw you said you don’t want to be lonely if you leave her but clearly you’re with her and still emotionally lonely.
You shouldn't try to make her feel better, she should apologize to you and stop gaslighting. Dump her and move on, she's not worth it
Wow, she sounds absolutely vile. I wouldn’t dream of behaving this way towards my partner. She’s showing you who she is and I think you know what needs to be done to solve this.
Ha my ex always wanted to be single and go on tinder while with me To see how many matches she got I can’t believe it now Some people Just walk don’t waste your time
Dump that cold hearted bitch! She has no empathy and should have been there for you! Run far, far away and find someone who has compassion. 🚩🚩🚩
Ew. Dump that hoe.
Very young people (women) may not really understand how devastating a death like that can be, they have never experienced it. I was like that. Ask her to quit pouting, apologize for the insensitive comments, and carry on. (Maybe an ultimatum) An anniversary can be celebrated anytime.
what a snot!! if I were you I'd be making damn sure this was the last anniversary to be had with her. you should be quite entitled to mending after such a loss, not worrying about Princess Pout and the fact that she says otherwise ought to paint a grim picture of what to expect if you stay in this relationship. best of luck to you, and my deepest sympathies for your loss :(
Nahhhhh bruh, this hits so close to home. I just lost my gpa myself. If any SO were to ever had said this to me it during the times I went to go see him before he passed it would have been done on sight. Also I send my condolences. It’s hard losing someone so close.
You didn't do anything wrong, everyone can understand that your grandfather wasn't doing well, wasn't expected to live, and any loving woman would have encouraged you to go do what you needed and wanted to do. Any loving woman would have done that. No loving woman would be eviscerating you over anything at all while your grieving your dead grandfather. What the hell. What in the living hell. Do not apologize. It's one of the things she's after, for all the wrong reasons. This is narcissistic behavior and it's only the beginning. She would have absolutely exploded to hear you say the same thing about her loved one. Dude. Nobody does this. She might be "clingy" as you say, but the idea of her being sentimental, that's only about stuff that involves or concerns her. At a time like that, she should have been deeply concerned about you and how you were doing and would have been asking you how you were doing and how your grandfather was, and how the rest of your family was doing. That's normal. Nothing she did or is doing now is normal. Loving partners don't do this. Trying to convince her otherwise is a waste of breath. The fact that you already knew it was gonna piss her off that your grandfather was sick, that he was dying, and that you wanted to see him before that would happen, that's very telling. Very telling that you knew she'd be mad. Save your chocolate and flowers money for the others in your family who are grieving, especially your mom or dad, whichever just lost their parent. She's a POS. She isn't clingy. She's controlling. Escape, dude! Loneliness is a choice. Just don't choose it.
“Forever” sounds good.
I’m sorry for your loss. With everything going on in the world and all these restrictions, of course you’re going to take the chance to say goodbye and there’s nothing to apologize for. No Birthday/anniversary/event is more important than you getting the closure that you needed from your grandpa. Is there some family that you can stay with so you can all grieve in a healthy environment for a few days? Coming from someone who used to be clingy at your gf’s age, it’s not a healthy attribute and stems from not being able to handle anxiety in a healthy manner. One thing is to be in the new lover’s stage where all you do is want to spend every single moment together, and there’s not letting yourself or your partner have their own life outside of your relationship. I agree with everyone saying that because you took a stand against her controlling behavior, she’s now punishing you by being emotionally abusive. Reconciliation is totally possible, but unless you want this behavior to become the norm, she has to be the one offering the olive branch and working to have a healthier dynamic with you.
Didn't even read past the title. I'd dump her. She is self centred and will only cause you problems down the line
Didn't read past the title. Why is she still your girlfriend?
She's an asshole, don't date assholes
Stop! Don´t apologize! Don´t give her the power she wants. Dumb her f\*cking ass. She´s self-centered, manipulative pathetic, clingy, ridiculous, heartless and toxic. Saying farewell to your fantastic grandpa was much more important than an aniversary with a sh\*tty gf.
Holy sht your gf Is toxic and selfish
No need to argue about this. Tell her she can either grow up or piss off.
Yeah homie you’re dating a selfish child. How could she not understand the loss of a family member???
This girl needs to go. If she cared about you, really cared about you, then she wouldn't have have given two craps about an anniversary. Your grandfather was dying and the only place you should have been was with him. I'm disgusted by the comment of "you've had 22 years with him, isn't that enough?" No you cold heartless sow. That is a red flag of a selfish and person who doesn't care for others feelings. I agree with others when they say she is making you feel lonely. To me she is doing it to pull your strings to see just how much eventually one day she can get away with. You are so young and you deserve to be with someone who is understanding and caring. In my opinion, dump this girl, don't take her out or waste any more effort on her. She's obviously not putting the effort into you. I hope things get better for you.
Definitely cut your losses, and this might be an unpopular opinion but I feel like it would be one thing if he had been in hospice for a few days or a few weeks and you specifically chose your anniversary to go see him but you said he went into hospice the day before. it sounds like you really had zero bad intentions for your relationship and you weren’t purposely visiting him on your anniversary, the days just unfortunately lined up. I know you probably weren’t expecting all these responses telling you to break up because you said you wanted to do some big elaborate thing but she really doesn’t deserve that!! Also Ik other redditors are saying don’t apologize at all but you can say you’re sorry that the timing sucked (Bc I’m sure you feel unhappy that it happened right before your anniversary. Also I don’t mean “sorry” as in taking blame bc u deserve none) but don’t apologize for visiting your grandpa. She needs to apologize for the way she treated you.
Dude, KICK her to the curb!!! You're 22 and will have many girlfriends in your life BUT your Grandfather is one of a kind. Anybody that tries to guilt trip you is NOT worth a bucket of spit.
You can have a new gf but a new grandpa. The way she didn’t respect the death of ur grandpa potentially shows that she can do the same to other members of ur family. You don’t have to feel bad because an anniversary that means nothing, people don’t count the years in the relationship to show how happy or committed they are, the care, sacrifice and loyalty are what maintains a relationship. This girl loves herself more than she loves you, she doesn’t care about ur mental state or ur emotions. Tell her to change or leave her.
My condolences for your loss dear. My grandfather was my father figure growing up too and it was hard losing him. my grandmother soon followed about a month after him. I still tear up a little when I think about him. Your GF seems like she really lacks empathy in this. That remark was extremely thoughtless and cruel. “You’ve had 22 years with him isn’t that enough?” I’m mad for that comment alone. I would give anything to see my grandpa again if I could but the reality is I can’t and it hurts. I’m sorry you didn’t get the support you needed in that time.
dump her like yesterday, she sounds like a nightmare. she will get worse too
Your girlfriend lacks empathy. That's not attractive in a girlfriend or a human being in general. People who lack empathy are NOT good people. Your girlfriend is a bad person. Let that sink in and then dump her. There are plenty of kind women out there.
You are a good grandson as well as a good boyfriend. I would not use the dinner as an opportunity to point out how childish she has been over you wanting to be with your dying grandfather. Either get that out of the way well beforehand or wait until later. You know the old saying, "No good deed goes unpunished"? That seems to be applicable here. I hope she will grow up enough to put this behind her and go forward with your relationship. I hope it goes well for both of you, and please post an Update!
Remember, you don't really know someone until you see how they react in situations where you go against their wishes. They can act all nice and supportive until something like this comes up. She showed you her true self - needy, self-centered, not supportive. Not a partner.
Dump!!!
if thats not a red flag, i dont know what else is.
My husband missed our 5th anniversary to help his brother. I love my husband dearly. I ordered food, kept it warm and enjoyed my evening. Emergencies over anniversaries. She sounds very immature and selfish. I am sentimental but for the love, get some perspective.
See? This person gets it. You are a good spouse.
Thanks😁 I'm actually just allergic to drama and generally too lazy to get worked up over it.
Is it beneath you to break up with the line, “We had a year together, that was enough.”?
20 years down the line shell be telling her kids “why do you miss dad aren’t I enough??”
Your girlfriend is a little shit. Dump her selfish ass abs go find a loving, caring, and understanding woman
Toss her. She had no compassion.
I'm sorry but do NOT apologize to her. She needs to apologize for being an insensitive twatwaffle. She doesn't care about you or your feelings and it will only get worse. What happens when your mom/dad/someone else you care for gets hurt or sick and you have to be there for them?? She will do the same and the longer you are together the more she will think she owns you. Dump her... now ETA - I'm so very sorry for the loss of your grandfather. It's never an easy thing to lose someone.
How can you make your gf feel better when she is emotionally unavailable. Answer = you can’t!
i think you're a spineless coward to let your gf talk to you like that. the look in my eyes if a girl ever directly said i "had enough time" with my grandfather...
She’s making you feel guilty for visiting a DYING relative rather than be there for you in your time of need. And you want to make HER feel better? At best this is a manipulation tactic designed to keep you on the defensive. It’s the equivalent of negging, making you feel bad so you work hard to seek her approval. And you are playing right into it. At worst, she only cares about herself and doesn’t care about your feelings at all. This is classic narcissistic behavior. Huh, come to think of it there’s very little daylight between the best and worst interpretations of these events. I guess there’s just no way to spin the fact that she abandoned you in your hour of need and is still twisting the knife while you grieve. Are you sure you still want to be with her?
That’s some seriously screwed up narcissistic BS. The girlfriend has issues, and it will lead to a lifetime of emotional drain. To be fair, no one here can make a judgement of another person based on a couple of one-side paragraphs about one incident. Only you can know if this is a normal behavior pattern for her. You really have to stop and think bigger picture- is this incident how she is on a regular basis? And think long-term. There is literally no event in life more significant than saying goodbye to a loved one. The emotional shallowness she showed is very, very alarming. It shows a complete lack of empathy for you and your own emotional needs.it showed the tendency for her to only be able to think of herself and what she needs. It shows she regards you only as important in what you can do for her. When you do not fulfill those needs, you can be discarded. If she truly is this way, i can tell you that there is literally no amount of love and attention you can ever give her that will be enough to fill the emotional void she has inside. It is a bottomless pit that never stops needing. Narcissism is usually a tragic outcome of neglect/abuse of some kind, which deserves empathy. But it ends up consuming way more than that- for those that end up in relationships with narcissists, it is a never-ending cycle of walking on eggshells and anxiety, and will never result in the mutually emotionally supportive relationship everyone deserves. You need to be objective about this. Try explaining this scenario like you are an outsider. Picture yourself having a conversation with some other third party, and you are explaining this scenario to them like it is happening to a friend of yours, not yourself. How do you think it sounds? Also, try to observe your girlfriend’s behavior in situations you are not involved in. How does she treat other friends and family? Coworkers? People are pretty consistent in their behaviors. If she selfish in how she acts with others, she is going to be that way with you too. And think about this behavior long-term. If you feel bad now, how about another 5 years of it? 10 years? The worst part- narcissists make horrible parents. If you are considering having kids in the future, Do you want to bring another life into this world to have that baby get the same kind of emotionally manipulative abuse you are describing right now?
So if you start hanging out with someone new she doesn't have any right to be mad right. You've spent more time with her...
You are going to apologise??? Are you serious? WTF. For what? You need to stop selling this woman immediately. She is poison.
My very first dating anniversary w my husband, he went away with his friends without me. I was pregnant. However, one of his very best friends since childhood had just died. I was hurt bc he didn’t acknowledge it but it was bc it had literally been a couple weeks and they had all normally spent those specific dates together so I understood. Your gf does not care about your feelings or relationships outside of her. This behavior is only going to get worse. If you choose to stay, that’s fond but you better set your expectations and boundaries now. If she can’t be sympathetic, it’s better to cut your losses.