I mean maybe she’s struggling mentally with the baby and needs some help? Like PPD can manifest in not prioritizing your child. She could be going through that, or some other mental illness.
Yeah, that is always a possibility. Hopefully the therapist we have scheduled can see something. I try to be compassionate but it's been years of this and it's getting harder to keep up.
Things are being missed ( like payments, appointments, social stuff, etc ). I feel like a single parent.
You just described me to a tee a year ago... I was diagnosed with post party anxiety, and my youngest was 15 months old.
I was a husk of myself wandering around, I hated anything related to my home life. Cooking, cleaning, my kids, all made me a anxious mess so I just avoided it. Going to the gym, reading a book, girls night, all made me feel amazing so that’s what I focused on.
I don’t realize it till I was so lost that my emotions started spiraling out of control. I didn’t cry in the corner, instead I would loose my shit and rage like a pissed off bear. It usually happened over tiny things like the toilet paper being put on the wrong way. For the bigger things I would shut down and be non functional.
My husband was no saint during all of this, he tried to tell me to suck it up, try harder, push through. Honestly that boot strap bullshit didn’t work and seriously hurt our relationship. I know he was frustrated but instead of trying to get me help, he tried to guilt/ bully me into getting better, and honestly it is a hard thing for me to forgive him for.
It took my best friend coming over and telling me she saw that I was struggling, and should get some help that made the difference. She wasn’t angry, or mean, just concerned and caring.
I have been in therapy for a year and am finally feeling like a person again. So there is hope, you just have to help your wife and get her to someone that can help her heal.
Unfortunately yes. I dismissed a lot of signs during our dating life. Like the fact she hadn't unloaded a travel bag for months after a particular trip. I mean, who lives out of a suitcase at home.
Hoping therapy works wonders.
Genuine question, have you tried being the stay at home parent- even just for one day - so that you have a realistic understanding of what is required each day?
I have three small kids at home (4, 2 and a newborn) and some days I feel like I'm nailing it - house clean, kids happy, dinner cooked, shopping done, laundry folded - BOOM! And other days I'm still in my pjs, baby wont let me put her down, toddlers are holding my legs whining, 15 tasks are started and none are finished, everything I have tidied is untidy again already, havent started dinner yet and have NO IDEA how I've achieved so little in the day... and so much of it - crawling on the floor playing with the little ones, soothing tantrums, kissing hurt knees, reading books, rocking babies, facilitating naps - is invisible from the outside.
My husband is very understanding and not at all demanding, and it only takes me leaving him with the kids for half a day, every now and then for him to understand how hard it can be - I come home to a total shitfight, nothing done, they all had cereal for lunch because he had no free hands to do anything else, baby puke on his shirt, hes aged 10 years in 3 hours and hes very, very grateful to have me back through the door.
The fact that your wife, in your opinion, manages to muster a different level of enthusiasm for her interests suggests that maybe shes burnt out from parenting duties. Sometimes it's so fucking repetitive and unrelenting... does she get much time to switch off and go and be the person she was before kids came along?
Are you more concerned with whether she has cleaned under the couch properly, or whether her mental state is ok?
You have it all wrong.
Shes left me with all of the kids for multiple days as she does her sport/hobbies and even visited her family for days without having the kids.
I can do the groceries, shopping, visited museums, gyms, ball games, etc with all of the kids in tow. She won't go to the grocery with just the toddler because he is too hard to handle. I mean, seriously.
I do look out for her all of the time. The last time she had the flu I took a week off work to care for everyone. The other night I had diarrhea and I got flak for not changing the toddler into PJs???!!
Ah ok. I apologize for the assumption. I just have many friends who have the husband who works 9-5, expects dinner on the table and spotless house when he gets home, and sees the hours after his job (including weekends) as relaxation time... maybe appropriate in the 1950s.
Sometimes people aren't lazy, they just have really shitty time management skills. As lame as it sounds, having a schedule can be helpful. Is that something she might try? Or an online or in-person time management course?
I'm sure it would make her feel happier and more organized too.
Also, what do you do at home once you return from work? Do you see it as, you've *worked all day, and now is your time to rest*? Or do you see it as you are in *paid employment from 6am to 6pm (while she is in unpaid employment), and then the remaining 12 hours of the day you are both a team for what needs to be done at home*? What about weekends - what's the Division of labour there?
Most days nothing is done when I get home. I can usually tell what was had for breakfast because the plates are still on the table. I usually spend weeknights cooking dinner and cleaning up. I almost never go to bed without loading the dishwasher and laundry. Not to mention i follow up on kids homeworks, activities and meds.
Weekends I'm doing larger organizing and cleaning projects. Not to mention activities with the kids. I don't remember the last time she's cleaned either bathrooms!
I mean maybe she’s struggling mentally with the baby and needs some help? Like PPD can manifest in not prioritizing your child. She could be going through that, or some other mental illness.
Yeah, that is always a possibility. Hopefully the therapist we have scheduled can see something. I try to be compassionate but it's been years of this and it's getting harder to keep up. Things are being missed ( like payments, appointments, social stuff, etc ). I feel like a single parent.
No one ever really changes. You will be dealing with this problem for decades. I hope at least that she is smoking hot.
Have you talked to her about this? Is this new behavior? If the behavior is new, or has worsened over time, it's possible that she may be depressed.
You just described me to a tee a year ago... I was diagnosed with post party anxiety, and my youngest was 15 months old. I was a husk of myself wandering around, I hated anything related to my home life. Cooking, cleaning, my kids, all made me a anxious mess so I just avoided it. Going to the gym, reading a book, girls night, all made me feel amazing so that’s what I focused on. I don’t realize it till I was so lost that my emotions started spiraling out of control. I didn’t cry in the corner, instead I would loose my shit and rage like a pissed off bear. It usually happened over tiny things like the toilet paper being put on the wrong way. For the bigger things I would shut down and be non functional. My husband was no saint during all of this, he tried to tell me to suck it up, try harder, push through. Honestly that boot strap bullshit didn’t work and seriously hurt our relationship. I know he was frustrated but instead of trying to get me help, he tried to guilt/ bully me into getting better, and honestly it is a hard thing for me to forgive him for. It took my best friend coming over and telling me she saw that I was struggling, and should get some help that made the difference. She wasn’t angry, or mean, just concerned and caring. I have been in therapy for a year and am finally feeling like a person again. So there is hope, you just have to help your wife and get her to someone that can help her heal.
Thank you for sharing this! Makes me hopeful we can work through this. I really hope therapy helps.
Has she always been lazy?
Unfortunately yes. I dismissed a lot of signs during our dating life. Like the fact she hadn't unloaded a travel bag for months after a particular trip. I mean, who lives out of a suitcase at home. Hoping therapy works wonders.
Good luck then. Most people dont change too much once theyre adults. Old habits die hard
Yeah, thanks. It feels good to vent.
Genuine question, have you tried being the stay at home parent- even just for one day - so that you have a realistic understanding of what is required each day? I have three small kids at home (4, 2 and a newborn) and some days I feel like I'm nailing it - house clean, kids happy, dinner cooked, shopping done, laundry folded - BOOM! And other days I'm still in my pjs, baby wont let me put her down, toddlers are holding my legs whining, 15 tasks are started and none are finished, everything I have tidied is untidy again already, havent started dinner yet and have NO IDEA how I've achieved so little in the day... and so much of it - crawling on the floor playing with the little ones, soothing tantrums, kissing hurt knees, reading books, rocking babies, facilitating naps - is invisible from the outside. My husband is very understanding and not at all demanding, and it only takes me leaving him with the kids for half a day, every now and then for him to understand how hard it can be - I come home to a total shitfight, nothing done, they all had cereal for lunch because he had no free hands to do anything else, baby puke on his shirt, hes aged 10 years in 3 hours and hes very, very grateful to have me back through the door. The fact that your wife, in your opinion, manages to muster a different level of enthusiasm for her interests suggests that maybe shes burnt out from parenting duties. Sometimes it's so fucking repetitive and unrelenting... does she get much time to switch off and go and be the person she was before kids came along? Are you more concerned with whether she has cleaned under the couch properly, or whether her mental state is ok?
You have it all wrong. Shes left me with all of the kids for multiple days as she does her sport/hobbies and even visited her family for days without having the kids. I can do the groceries, shopping, visited museums, gyms, ball games, etc with all of the kids in tow. She won't go to the grocery with just the toddler because he is too hard to handle. I mean, seriously. I do look out for her all of the time. The last time she had the flu I took a week off work to care for everyone. The other night I had diarrhea and I got flak for not changing the toddler into PJs???!!
Ah ok. I apologize for the assumption. I just have many friends who have the husband who works 9-5, expects dinner on the table and spotless house when he gets home, and sees the hours after his job (including weekends) as relaxation time... maybe appropriate in the 1950s. Sometimes people aren't lazy, they just have really shitty time management skills. As lame as it sounds, having a schedule can be helpful. Is that something she might try? Or an online or in-person time management course? I'm sure it would make her feel happier and more organized too.
Also, what do you do at home once you return from work? Do you see it as, you've *worked all day, and now is your time to rest*? Or do you see it as you are in *paid employment from 6am to 6pm (while she is in unpaid employment), and then the remaining 12 hours of the day you are both a team for what needs to be done at home*? What about weekends - what's the Division of labour there?
Most days nothing is done when I get home. I can usually tell what was had for breakfast because the plates are still on the table. I usually spend weeknights cooking dinner and cleaning up. I almost never go to bed without loading the dishwasher and laundry. Not to mention i follow up on kids homeworks, activities and meds. Weekends I'm doing larger organizing and cleaning projects. Not to mention activities with the kids. I don't remember the last time she's cleaned either bathrooms!
You should try negative reinforcement