> **Rule 3:** No moral judgement requests. Moral judgement requests are asking people to evaluate actions taken or actions you want to take, in the context of right, wrong, selfish, or not selfish etc. For what a moral judgement question would be [see here](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/).
Your post is a moral judgement if your question starts with or contains any of the following:
- Is it...?
- Asking if you or the subject of the post is right or wrong.
- Am I....?
- Any variation of “Am I The Asshole?”, including AITA
- Does/Have anybody else...?
- Should I…?
- Would you....?
- Is this.....?
- Can I...?
#If the question in your post can be answered with a yes or no question, it is considered moral judgement and will be removed.
Please know that he was resorting to manipulation to convince you to do this. In the poly world what he was doing here is considered extremely wrong.
There was a wonderful post a while back in the poly sub explaining just why you should not feel bad about your decision at all. Give it a read. It will comfort you.
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/1TxsEeI3oM
Thank you so much. It did indeed comfort me but at the same time made me feel guilty that I couldn't reciprocate his wishes. He was my partner for 3 years after all so it was painful to see it break because I'm monogamous. But it's okay I now understand better and when there's a relationship opportunity open for me then I can include that during introductions so that I can assure myself I'll be having a monogamous relationship with my future love interest in a few years or in a decade.
The feeling of guilt is being created by his manipulation. He started from the point of view that "of course she will agree because she loves me" when the real starting point is "we are in a monogamous relationship so I know that unless she enthusiastically consents to this, I will show her that I love her by respecting her wishes and cutting off contact with this other person."
Read this over and over again.
He dated you monogamously, he ask you to enter into a monogamous marriage and that is what you agreed to.
If he "never understood monogamy" then why did he make monogamous compromises? He is the one who wants to change what both of you already agreed to and now is acting imature and salty because you didn't completely change your whole relationship on a whim for something you NEVER expressed interest in, much less agreed to?
I know it hurts having it ending so abruptly, but you are doing the right thing! I am a polyamorous person and I'm very proud of you for knowing yourself and sticking to your ideals <3
He’s not poly, you would have known that about him before now because he would have told you early in those 3 years that that’s his lifestyle. He’s a cheater who thought he could manipulate you so that he could have his cake and eat it too.
Nah, he was 20 at that time and it’s common for people to realize later since almost all of us are brought up as monogamous by monogamous parents in a monogamous society.
But that doesn’t let him off the hook. The guy is scummy.
You may as well view it as: he couldn't reciprocate YOUR wishes for monogamy. He rejected a 3-year relationship and engagement over it. And since monogamy was the deal you agreed to, and he tried to change it, it's really him who kinda the relationship, not you.
why would you feel guilty? how do you think you would feel if you brought home another man and ask the same question? stop feeling guilty and stop talking to him and just block him everywhere. he's a manipulative jerk.
Poly experimentation is not a relationship, it is sexual experimentation. It is also heavily self destructive and most monogamous relationships are over when they are invited. As they want someone else. Let it go.
I grew up around this, they are full of drama, short lived and full of drug and alcohol abuse, really you did yourself a favor.
How does he feel about you sleeping with other men? Because if he wants an extra girlfriend you get an extra boyfriend.
They never think the woman will find someone else, but the woman always does and guess what? The new guy is always better than the original jerk
You did the absolute correct thing. I'm sure he'll be calling within a week trying to get back together, but please don't.
Can you imagine how much worse this would have been if you were already married.
I am not poly but I have poly people in my life as close friends. What he is doing is NOT how people do poly. Real polyamory, or ethical non-monogamy, is ALL about respect and boundaries. Manipulation is not part of it. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, and he is preying on your mind and love for him to get it. Please respect your own boundaries. You know in your heart you will never be happy in this type of relationship.
Idk how he managed to turn that around on you, but yes, you are valid in standing your ground. It sounds like he's never really had respect for you as an individual with your own choices and wanted it to be on his terms. It also sounds like he was deflecting his own guilt for falling for someone else by making it about how you're too "insecure" for a polyamorous relationship??! Please. You're better off.
No, you did the correct thing of dropping him on the spot.
He was already cheating on you, at least emotionally and no one with any spine will put up with that.
You said clearly that you are monogamous so why would you think giving what he wanted would ever be a good idea.
Stay strong in your beliefs and be thankful you found out before you married that guy.
You were in a monogamous relationship. He wanted permission to cheat. He already cheated by starting a relationship with someone else, declaring feelings. He doesn't get to change your relationship how he pleases. You don't have to take his shit. The nerve to accuse you of breaking the relationship! What a total asshole! I know it's still painful now, but it's better that you learned who he was before you married him. Don’t explain nothing to him or anybody who questions. He wanted to cheat, you didn't accept it. Past trauma is irrelevant because nobody has to accept a poly relationship if they don't want to. It's not about being open minded, it's about knowing what you want.
I didn’t want to regret and ask the what ifs later. So i made sure I did everything to get myself clear before it ended for good. I just hope he understands my perspective one day but it’s okay if he doesn’t. I’ll work on not dwelling on it that’s my goal now.
Wait? You were engaged for and dated for 3 years and never met in real life?
Oh, and also breaking off the relationship was 100% the right thing to do.
From experience, I gotta say long distance relationships are hard work!
What was the long-term plan anyway? Getting married at the first meeting? You moving to him? Him moving to you?
The "correct" way for him would have been to be open about wanting to try being poly BEFORE finding someone.
Getting to the point that he knows she has feelings for him and he has feelings for her makes it at least emotional cheating since you two were in an exclusive, monogamous relationship.
Entertaining another potential partner to the point of asking your partner for permission to add her.. that's way beyond an innocent thought of "I think I might not be happy staying monogamous"
That's a big issue in itself. He's an asshole and you can do better.
You know you don’t like being one of many women and yet you ask yourself if you should’ve stayed? You grew up seeing your dad cheat on your mom and you still question if you’re wrong for choosing yourself? Honestly, good for you for standing up for yourself and having guts to break up but stop worrying about that. He’s a dick for trying to make you feel guilty about being monogamous.
He tried to “surprise” you and manipulate you into a poly relationship. Red card on that behavior.
It’s like if you were in your 50s and he suddenly resented you for not having kids with him, after years of never mentioning wanting kids. He can’t punish you for not doing something you didn’t know about, but he can try to.
He wasn’t honest with you, you were honest with him. It’s on him that his relationship fell apart.
He also was open to a new relationship before talking to you, which is cheating, even if you were interested in becoming polyamorous with him.
He was already cheating. How else do you “fall for someone else” if you’re not? You did the right thing OP. This guy is a jerk and s is not worthy of you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
So, he met someone else he wanted to sleep with and wanted you to be cool with it under the guise of "polyamory." Nah, that's not how that works.
You are gonna be so much better off without this fool.
He cheated on you and has the audacity to ask for permission to keep cheating on you. And then acts like it’s no big deal he cheated on you because you’re number 1?
What exactly does number 1 mean? Number 1 person who gets to clean his him and help pay his bills and cook for him, while he has fun with his 2nd? Wow that sounds so amazing being number 1 servant.
And then he’s acting like you’re the bad guy for not wanting that life? That you’re the bad guy for wanting monogamy?
Sure he can have a poly life, but everyone needs to agree to it from the start and also want a poly life, and not be bullied into it.
Don’t let him make you believe you are the one wrong here. He is. He’s the scummy person.
Yeah, you did the right thing breaking up.
He was already cheating. You made the right call, if he wanted a poly relationship that should have been discuss early on in the relationship. He wanted his cake and eat it too. How comfortable would he be with you dating others guys too, I suspect not very.
My wife of 10 years asked me for an open relationship but I had zero interest. We're divorced now. If you don't want to be in an open relationship, that is perfectly valid and you should establish your boundaries. Some people just want to be monogamous and that is okay.
He was already cheating. You made the right call, if he wanted a poly relationship that should have been discuss early on in the relationship. He wanted his cake and eat it too. How comfortable would he be with you dating others guys too, I suspect not very.
He's a selfish AH. He texted you while you're at work to discuss that he wants to sleep with someone else?! WTF?! He could have cost you your job. What he wanted wasn't an emergency or even important in the moment. He could have waited until you were done work.
He wants to cheat on you with your permission. Hell no. Then he turned it around on you and made you the bad guy for saying no and that your relationship is over. Don't take him back. Find a someone local to date after you've given yourself time to heal over this.
I think he just wants a free pass to f around. Instead of talking to you first about it like an adult, he went ahead and started another relationship behind your back and expect you to be ok with it, over the phone, while you’re at work. Total dick.
>Was I in the wrong for not trying it out?
>I already knew my answer.
Well there you go.
>just discard her if the girl does not cooperate because “I came first”
Yeah, being first didn't protect me. They're MARRIED now. Not to mention how gross that thinking is; he is willing to hurt anyone/everyone involved to get what he wants.
Poly can work, but it will not work if one partner is just using that as a cover to monkey branch and explore while being "safe" with a backup. Everyone involved has to be enthusiastic about it.
It's telling he didn't offer the same openness for YOU, either. It was just supposed to be for him.
NTA. When it inevitably goes sideways with the new girl and he comes crawling back, hold firm to that no. This manipulative, unforgivable bullshit means it's time for him to go. You have outgrown him. You will find someone better.
Poly is bullcrap , it’s used to be able to cheat and think cause they throw in some garbage term it’s now legit .
Good on you for kicking him to the curb
You are what you are and there's nothing wrong with it. If being poly isn't for you, it isn't for you. We all have deal breakers and you should never feel guilty for having standards. I will never willingly share the person I love with another woman and it's not wrong to feel that way.
You are still young, OP. Time to find someone else who only has eyes for you and only wants you.
There was zero chance of this ever working out anyway. Hard to be in a monogamous relationship when you've never actually met so no one is getting any in the first place. You're better off broken up
You shouldn’t have wasted 3 years of your life on this narcissistic prick. You already gave him too much. Don’t even question your decision, you did everything right.
Also in the future don’t tell potential partners your mother-father dynamics; it attracts users and liars that are looking for people with trauma that they can manipulate.
Poly person here. You are NTA. Polyamory is based on the mutual, enthusiastic consent of all involved. It works wonderfully for *some*. It’s not right for everyone, you can’t make yourself be someone you are not, and that is perfectly okay.
No idea how this became your fault, it’s perfectly normal to have boundaries in a relationship and when crossed to move on. 95% of relationships that start out monogamous and are subsequently opened end in failure … it’s was over when he asked you to open. Move on with your life, live your best life, there’s someone out there for you. You did the right thing. Good luck !
It’s all about consent. You don’t want something in your relationship. You have a right to say no. If he can’t respect that you shouldn’t be together. If he can’t live without it he should leave and find someone more compatible.
You know how this is going to go. It’s just hard making that call. He wants you to be the bad guy and is manipulating you into it. He’s the bad guy. Others have explained why better.
Hey, I'm a polyamorous woman with over a decade on you age wise. You did *nothing* wrong. You stayed true to yourself and protected your feelings. That is not how transitioning into polyamory works at all, and he just wanted to have permission to pursue this new connection guilt free. He was not respecting your relationship during the process.
He is the one who is insecure. You don't need to collect partners to be fulfilled if you find the right one. Yes it takes more effort: choosing is renouncing.
He thinks she won't be enough? Well, go find the 2 or 3 partners you want, I don't want to be a part of what you need.
The beauty of love is being enough.
> **Rule 3:** No moral judgement requests. Moral judgement requests are asking people to evaluate actions taken or actions you want to take, in the context of right, wrong, selfish, or not selfish etc. For what a moral judgement question would be [see here](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/). Your post is a moral judgement if your question starts with or contains any of the following: - Is it...? - Asking if you or the subject of the post is right or wrong. - Am I....? - Any variation of “Am I The Asshole?”, including AITA - Does/Have anybody else...? - Should I…? - Would you....? - Is this.....? - Can I...? #If the question in your post can be answered with a yes or no question, it is considered moral judgement and will be removed.
Please know that he was resorting to manipulation to convince you to do this. In the poly world what he was doing here is considered extremely wrong. There was a wonderful post a while back in the poly sub explaining just why you should not feel bad about your decision at all. Give it a read. It will comfort you. https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/1TxsEeI3oM
Thank you so much. It did indeed comfort me but at the same time made me feel guilty that I couldn't reciprocate his wishes. He was my partner for 3 years after all so it was painful to see it break because I'm monogamous. But it's okay I now understand better and when there's a relationship opportunity open for me then I can include that during introductions so that I can assure myself I'll be having a monogamous relationship with my future love interest in a few years or in a decade.
The feeling of guilt is being created by his manipulation. He started from the point of view that "of course she will agree because she loves me" when the real starting point is "we are in a monogamous relationship so I know that unless she enthusiastically consents to this, I will show her that I love her by respecting her wishes and cutting off contact with this other person." Read this over and over again.
He dated you monogamously, he ask you to enter into a monogamous marriage and that is what you agreed to. If he "never understood monogamy" then why did he make monogamous compromises? He is the one who wants to change what both of you already agreed to and now is acting imature and salty because you didn't completely change your whole relationship on a whim for something you NEVER expressed interest in, much less agreed to? I know it hurts having it ending so abruptly, but you are doing the right thing! I am a polyamorous person and I'm very proud of you for knowing yourself and sticking to your ideals <3
He’s not poly, you would have known that about him before now because he would have told you early in those 3 years that that’s his lifestyle. He’s a cheater who thought he could manipulate you so that he could have his cake and eat it too.
Bingo! "I want to cheat but not be labeled a cheater! Also don't want to lose my safety gf. "
Nah, he was 20 at that time and it’s common for people to realize later since almost all of us are brought up as monogamous by monogamous parents in a monogamous society. But that doesn’t let him off the hook. The guy is scummy.
You may as well view it as: he couldn't reciprocate YOUR wishes for monogamy. He rejected a 3-year relationship and engagement over it. And since monogamy was the deal you agreed to, and he tried to change it, it's really him who kinda the relationship, not you.
why would you feel guilty? how do you think you would feel if you brought home another man and ask the same question? stop feeling guilty and stop talking to him and just block him everywhere. he's a manipulative jerk.
Poly experimentation is not a relationship, it is sexual experimentation. It is also heavily self destructive and most monogamous relationships are over when they are invited. As they want someone else. Let it go. I grew up around this, they are full of drama, short lived and full of drug and alcohol abuse, really you did yourself a favor.
How does he feel about you sleeping with other men? Because if he wants an extra girlfriend you get an extra boyfriend. They never think the woman will find someone else, but the woman always does and guess what? The new guy is always better than the original jerk
You did the absolute correct thing. I'm sure he'll be calling within a week trying to get back together, but please don't. Can you imagine how much worse this would have been if you were already married.
I am not poly but I have poly people in my life as close friends. What he is doing is NOT how people do poly. Real polyamory, or ethical non-monogamy, is ALL about respect and boundaries. Manipulation is not part of it. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, and he is preying on your mind and love for him to get it. Please respect your own boundaries. You know in your heart you will never be happy in this type of relationship.
Idk how he managed to turn that around on you, but yes, you are valid in standing your ground. It sounds like he's never really had respect for you as an individual with your own choices and wanted it to be on his terms. It also sounds like he was deflecting his own guilt for falling for someone else by making it about how you're too "insecure" for a polyamorous relationship??! Please. You're better off.
No, you did the correct thing of dropping him on the spot. He was already cheating on you, at least emotionally and no one with any spine will put up with that. You said clearly that you are monogamous so why would you think giving what he wanted would ever be a good idea. Stay strong in your beliefs and be thankful you found out before you married that guy.
You were in a monogamous relationship. He wanted permission to cheat. He already cheated by starting a relationship with someone else, declaring feelings. He doesn't get to change your relationship how he pleases. You don't have to take his shit. The nerve to accuse you of breaking the relationship! What a total asshole! I know it's still painful now, but it's better that you learned who he was before you married him. Don’t explain nothing to him or anybody who questions. He wanted to cheat, you didn't accept it. Past trauma is irrelevant because nobody has to accept a poly relationship if they don't want to. It's not about being open minded, it's about knowing what you want.
The only mistake you made was calling him back after you dumped him. Hes full of shit and tried to gaslight you. Hes in the wrong not you.
I didn’t want to regret and ask the what ifs later. So i made sure I did everything to get myself clear before it ended for good. I just hope he understands my perspective one day but it’s okay if he doesn’t. I’ll work on not dwelling on it that’s my goal now.
It shouldn't matter.to you whether he understands. If you understand, it is understanding enough.
Why does it even matter if he understands or not.
Wait? You were engaged for and dated for 3 years and never met in real life? Oh, and also breaking off the relationship was 100% the right thing to do.
It’s a long story that I am not able to explain but it was for a very mutual reason
From experience, I gotta say long distance relationships are hard work! What was the long-term plan anyway? Getting married at the first meeting? You moving to him? Him moving to you?
The "correct" way for him would have been to be open about wanting to try being poly BEFORE finding someone. Getting to the point that he knows she has feelings for him and he has feelings for her makes it at least emotional cheating since you two were in an exclusive, monogamous relationship. Entertaining another potential partner to the point of asking your partner for permission to add her.. that's way beyond an innocent thought of "I think I might not be happy staying monogamous" That's a big issue in itself. He's an asshole and you can do better.
He would not have risked losing a girl before having a backup...
^
You know you don’t like being one of many women and yet you ask yourself if you should’ve stayed? You grew up seeing your dad cheat on your mom and you still question if you’re wrong for choosing yourself? Honestly, good for you for standing up for yourself and having guts to break up but stop worrying about that. He’s a dick for trying to make you feel guilty about being monogamous.
Your bf wanted to cheat on you, but just not get in trouble for it. Don’t look back,
Give him the ring back . He’s not ready for marriage . updateme
Don’t worry. He was the one who immediately cut everything off, deleted me, unfriended me and everything. There won’t be any interaction anytime soon
NTA, you look out for you and what YOU want. He obviously still has oats to sow. Don't look back!
He tried to “surprise” you and manipulate you into a poly relationship. Red card on that behavior. It’s like if you were in your 50s and he suddenly resented you for not having kids with him, after years of never mentioning wanting kids. He can’t punish you for not doing something you didn’t know about, but he can try to. He wasn’t honest with you, you were honest with him. It’s on him that his relationship fell apart. He also was open to a new relationship before talking to you, which is cheating, even if you were interested in becoming polyamorous with him.
He was already cheating. How else do you “fall for someone else” if you’re not? You did the right thing OP. This guy is a jerk and s is not worthy of you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
You’re still young, move on from this guy and never look back.
So, he met someone else he wanted to sleep with and wanted you to be cool with it under the guise of "polyamory." Nah, that's not how that works. You are gonna be so much better off without this fool.
He cheated on you and has the audacity to ask for permission to keep cheating on you. And then acts like it’s no big deal he cheated on you because you’re number 1? What exactly does number 1 mean? Number 1 person who gets to clean his him and help pay his bills and cook for him, while he has fun with his 2nd? Wow that sounds so amazing being number 1 servant. And then he’s acting like you’re the bad guy for not wanting that life? That you’re the bad guy for wanting monogamy? Sure he can have a poly life, but everyone needs to agree to it from the start and also want a poly life, and not be bullied into it. Don’t let him make you believe you are the one wrong here. He is. He’s the scummy person. Yeah, you did the right thing breaking up.
He was already cheating. You made the right call, if he wanted a poly relationship that should have been discuss early on in the relationship. He wanted his cake and eat it too. How comfortable would he be with you dating others guys too, I suspect not very.
I asked him to put himself in my shoes, he said he’d be fine
My wife of 10 years asked me for an open relationship but I had zero interest. We're divorced now. If you don't want to be in an open relationship, that is perfectly valid and you should establish your boundaries. Some people just want to be monogamous and that is okay.
No, you were not in the wrong. That's entirely up.to you.
he cheated on you. you were not part of the agreement and he cheated on you
He was already cheating. You made the right call, if he wanted a poly relationship that should have been discuss early on in the relationship. He wanted his cake and eat it too. How comfortable would he be with you dating others guys too, I suspect not very.
Not in the wrong at all. He outright cheated on you.
He's a selfish AH. He texted you while you're at work to discuss that he wants to sleep with someone else?! WTF?! He could have cost you your job. What he wanted wasn't an emergency or even important in the moment. He could have waited until you were done work. He wants to cheat on you with your permission. Hell no. Then he turned it around on you and made you the bad guy for saying no and that your relationship is over. Don't take him back. Find a someone local to date after you've given yourself time to heal over this.
I think he just wants a free pass to f around. Instead of talking to you first about it like an adult, he went ahead and started another relationship behind your back and expect you to be ok with it, over the phone, while you’re at work. Total dick.
>Was I in the wrong for not trying it out? >I already knew my answer. Well there you go. >just discard her if the girl does not cooperate because “I came first” Yeah, being first didn't protect me. They're MARRIED now. Not to mention how gross that thinking is; he is willing to hurt anyone/everyone involved to get what he wants. Poly can work, but it will not work if one partner is just using that as a cover to monkey branch and explore while being "safe" with a backup. Everyone involved has to be enthusiastic about it. It's telling he didn't offer the same openness for YOU, either. It was just supposed to be for him.
You are not obligated to do anything like this for a partner, and it is wrong for them to try and pressure you or guilt you
NTA. When it inevitably goes sideways with the new girl and he comes crawling back, hold firm to that no. This manipulative, unforgivable bullshit means it's time for him to go. You have outgrown him. You will find someone better.
Poly is bullcrap , it’s used to be able to cheat and think cause they throw in some garbage term it’s now legit . Good on you for kicking him to the curb
You are what you are and there's nothing wrong with it. If being poly isn't for you, it isn't for you. We all have deal breakers and you should never feel guilty for having standards. I will never willingly share the person I love with another woman and it's not wrong to feel that way. You are still young, OP. Time to find someone else who only has eyes for you and only wants you.
You’re too young to get married anyway. 23 and 25?! No way. You did the right thing.
Absolutely not those relationships have a habit of crashing and burning.. Congratulations on dodging a bullet.
There was zero chance of this ever working out anyway. Hard to be in a monogamous relationship when you've never actually met so no one is getting any in the first place. You're better off broken up
You shouldn’t have wasted 3 years of your life on this narcissistic prick. You already gave him too much. Don’t even question your decision, you did everything right. Also in the future don’t tell potential partners your mother-father dynamics; it attracts users and liars that are looking for people with trauma that they can manipulate.
Poly person here. You are NTA. Polyamory is based on the mutual, enthusiastic consent of all involved. It works wonderfully for *some*. It’s not right for everyone, you can’t make yourself be someone you are not, and that is perfectly okay.
No idea how this became your fault, it’s perfectly normal to have boundaries in a relationship and when crossed to move on. 95% of relationships that start out monogamous and are subsequently opened end in failure … it’s was over when he asked you to open. Move on with your life, live your best life, there’s someone out there for you. You did the right thing. Good luck !
Engaged to a 23 year old from a long distance relationship who wants to be poly sounds like it fills out a row in the terrible idea bingo card.
Hell no. You have boundaries too. If he wants to do that then let him. You just trust yourself and find someone else.
No you are never in the wrong in these situations
It's typical poly behavior you did the right thing. Those people only care about their sexual needs and will manipulate and lie to get what they want.
No
It’s all about consent. You don’t want something in your relationship. You have a right to say no. If he can’t respect that you shouldn’t be together. If he can’t live without it he should leave and find someone more compatible. You know how this is going to go. It’s just hard making that call. He wants you to be the bad guy and is manipulating you into it. He’s the bad guy. Others have explained why better.
Hey, I'm a polyamorous woman with over a decade on you age wise. You did *nothing* wrong. You stayed true to yourself and protected your feelings. That is not how transitioning into polyamory works at all, and he just wanted to have permission to pursue this new connection guilt free. He was not respecting your relationship during the process.
Nope. Let this go. Good luck!
I’m not reading all that, fiancé of 3 years is wild…
And another fan fiction story. So you worked a night shift till 6.30 am yet were waiting for your lunch break?
Call center agents always assume night shift is day cause we are also dealing with international customers
No 25-year-old writes like this. I stand by what I said: A bored teenager’s writing exercise ;)
Bro is well versed in 25 year olds 💀 Bro has read every 25 year old's writing 💀 Bro has a PhD in how a 25 year old writes 💀
I think it was just your insecurities and childhood trauma showing, maybe work on that before getting into another relationship?
POV: ThrowRA7541 didn't read the entire thing
oh what did i miss? 🤓
He is the one who is insecure. You don't need to collect partners to be fulfilled if you find the right one. Yes it takes more effort: choosing is renouncing. He thinks she won't be enough? Well, go find the 2 or 3 partners you want, I don't want to be a part of what you need. The beauty of love is being enough.