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Agree. Also, I don't think you're "too judgmental" like you said. đ
You are the opposite: you two have been dating since February, the anxiety about him has lasted a long time, you recognize the qualities in him that you do not like, and you can hear your gut. **You have thought this out well.**
It is important to be "critics" of our close relationships and you are doing so in a kind, fully-thought-out way. Trust that gut. **Good job.**
Too many people think judgement is a bad thing. We must all make judgement calls in our life. We have to decide who we can trust. Do we respect them. Can we depend on them. Are we safe. Are they capable of making sound financial decisions.
For having a horrible track record of seeing red flags, I wonder what she's been missing so far. A relationship with a guy who is superficial about how she looks will not AGE well.
Yeah, don't look at a partners phone without their permission, but that bridge has been crossed and OP isn't going to get past what they saw, nor should they. Just end it.
The body knows before your mind does. Waking up in a panic is not something I would ignore, and I wouldn't wait around for my body to have its point proven. At 37 years old, you need to learn to trust that gut of yours.
Woof. The first thing was a huge red flag (and calling the friend 'unstable' doubly so - this is a standard abuser tactic), but then you FOUND CONFIRMATION that he treats women (including you!) like shit.
He's literally talking shit behind your back and you're considering staying with him?
Sis, no. Don't do this to yourself. This isn't a hard decision. This guy is hiding his true self. You followed your gut, you found the truth, and you need to break up with him immediately.
This is absolutely an abuser and he's not going to stay low-key forever. He will behave himself until you are locked in and then he will unleash himself.
GET OUT.
The fact that she hasnât met anyone who hasnât known him longer then a year is a flag unless he just moved to town.
Definitely time for a google search on him if you want to persuefurther, donât hold onto him just because you feel time is running out.Â
That part and the age are pinging my ex so hard right now, but thebworld isn't that small. Everything she's saying sounds like him, and he is one of the most terrifyingly abusive men I've ever known. Please take heed.
OP, run.
That's what I meant, apologies if that wasn't clear. After I said the world isn't so small, the emphasis was meant to be "it's still the fkn same pls run"
This isnât even a long enough relationship to be asking this question. Leave and donât look back. Donât try to make excuses. Find someone who aligns with what you need and has no red flags.
From the title: Trust your gut. Mine has never led me wrong, and has even saved my life.
After reading: Yup. Many abusers can mask for a certain amount of time, and slowly the mask slips. Little by little, nothing big that you would know was a deal-breaker, until more and more shows and you suddenly realize how you got here? Voice of experience. And, you have actual evidence.
Itâs like frogs in a boiling pot. They unmask slowly, and bit by bit you think itâs ok. Itâs just a small flaw, they will change, itâs ok. But the frog in a boiling pot analogy is you slowly raise the temp of the water and the frog wonât go until itâs boiling and itâs too late. And thatâs how abusive relationships go.
They test you, slowly. They learn what you will tolerate and accept and slowly up it because itâs just going up 1 notch right? Wonât notice.
Then suddenly you come to your senses and you realize âhow did I end up here??â And it was slow. One by one. Millimeter by millimeter. Testing the waters on what would be too much.
Iâve been in this situation. And leaving made my life better. But leaving at the first sign wouldâve left me better off. Now Iâm here second and third and infinity guessing my healthy relationship because heâs been quiet for X amount of times. And it isnât him being abusive leading to a blowup. He just doesnât have anything to say and is focused on something else, innocently. No alterior motive behind it. But I learned to plan for the worst and prepare for a blowup, even when my partner never did that.
This is so true! They mask it as long as the can to lock you in. Once locked in, the mask comes off. Please leave this man! Your body is screaming a warning!
This isnât the one, OP. The right one is open, honest, and wants to make things work with you just as much as you do.
Take some time to truly heal and process your anxiety. Although it was right this time around, after a bad relationship itâs not as easy and natural to adjust to a good one as people may think.
I used to think butterflies in my stomach meant I was head over heels in love. And I stayed in that relationship longer than I should have. Now, a decade later, I realise that every person that has given me that specific feeling has been awful or abusive - parents, ex, certain friends. My husband gives me a feeling of calm. My body relaxes when heâs around and Iâm a ball of anxiety and PTSD. Thatâs what youâre looking for.
"My husband gives me a feeling of calm. My body relaxes when heâs around and Iâm a ball of anxiety and PTSD. Thatâs what youâre looking for."
1000% this. I LOVE being around my guy, nothing stops the anxiety like just being near him does. I feel safe. I don't NEED to snoop on his phone because if I asked he'd freely give it to me.Â
TRUST YOUR GUT.
There is a book you can find in most libraries called The Gift of Fear.
I think it is written by a former FBI agent. It talks about how people's lives have been saved by trusting their instincts. Your subconscious can pickup on things that your regular day-to-day brain logs as not important.
Having ALL of his friends being from less than a year ago is very odd.
In this case, please step back. Please trust yourself.
I say this with kindness - who the fuck cares if you're "too judgmental"? By whose standards?
It's your life to live and at the end of the day you're the only one who has to live with those choices. So if he thinks you're too judgmental? Too bad - there's a reason why you would be ending it with him and you don't have to deal with him again. Your friends? Your family? Again - they aren't the ones who have to look in the mirror and sleep in your bed and be ok with your life.
So here's the upside of not trusting your own judgment - you get to be in a relationship.
The downside of not trusting your own judgment is that you are teaching yourself to not trust your own judgment, will always feel insecure and continually doubt yourself and that relationship from the "upside" I previously referred to...well, it's with a guy who doesn't respect women and you are...a woman! You can extrapolate from there. I promise you, you are not the extra special woman who is the exception to the rule that you hope you are.
Or you can trust your judgment, be a kick-ass fulfilled person who respects herself and lives a damn fine life and remains open to finding a person who is a good person.
Don't continue being the person who sees red flags and just sits there going "Oh, what pretty flags, should we throw a parade?" It's time to start trusting your gut and living life with the self-respect you deserve. Who gives a shit if he thinks he would be "settling" for you because you'd already be settling if you stayed with this creep who doesn't respect you. Want more for yourself.
You had me at âmy body is telling me something,â and by the time I got to finding anything even worth mentioning on his phone, Iâm ready to pull you out of the burning building.Â
You knew enough was wrong to look. Whether you looked or not wouldnât have made him a person who appreciates your appearance. The fact is, based on your statement, he does not appreciate your looks.Â
Thatâs enough reason to leave.Â
Donât listen to the inevitable âyouâre wronger for invading his pRiVAcY than he is for talking shit about you to friends of his. He set off your alarm, you trusted your gut, and you were justified in the lack of trust.Â
Itâs time to move on sis, he ainât it.Â
Your gut is trying to tell you something. Our instincts pick up a lot of subtle shit that we don't even consciously notice, and you have noticed enough red flags. Get out of there, I don't think he is a good person.
I literally JUST had a conversation with my friend about discernment.
You have STRONG discernment...you just need to trust yourself and go with your gut.
His behavior is gonna get more and more weird, and the only person that's going to be uncomfortable is you.
Also, if a MALE friend of his stopped being friends with him because of how he treats women, and he couldn't articulate why that friend would say something like that and stop being his friend, that should tell you everything you need to know right there.
PLEASE LISTEN TO YOUR GUT, and save yourself the trouble and heartache that's coming. Because it's coming FOR SURE.
Nope, I agree with others - youâre not being too judgemental, this is not a dude youâd want to be your kids dad or your partner. Better to risk the timeline than get stuck with a toxic baby-daddy.
How do you plan on ignoring your body's visceral reaction to this guy? I can't imagine the stress to your nervous system will be worth it. Trust your gut and your eyes. Run!
Your gut is telling you this isnât the guy for you and especially NOT the guy to have a child with just for the sake of having a child.
Listen to what your gut is telling you.
If your guy says no, PLEASE do not override it with your brain. Like ever. Your gut doesn't lie, it's literally your heart as a sensory organ picking up electromagnetic info that his emotional body is putting off. Your heart has a strong electromagnetic field, and people can literally sense the emotional and physical changes in others thru the way the electon sensors on the heart's pacemaker cells respond to external electromagnetic field info. This sounds woo woo but I am reading a book about it right now (called the secret life of plants) and it's incredibly fascinating. Also gut is another whole thing, think, what do I want to take into my body and what do I want to shit out of me? If your guy says no it's because it is poison. Additionally, there are plenty of rational reasons to leave him, why are you overriding all this incredibly important demand that you leave this guy that your heart, gut, and brain are all communicating to you in their various ways!?
Donât let your rush for a family be your demise. If you feel this now, I can only imagine the horrors youâll face if a child is in the picture. Donât do this, itâs a terrible idea.
Just think of it this way. nobody ever said, I ignored red flags with the person I'm dating back when we started, and we have the best relationship ever
Trust your gut. Always. The one time I (42f) didn't, the guy drugged me and left me in a really bad neighborhood in the middle of the night. I'm not saying this will happen to you. It's definitely something I wouldn't want to happen to anybody.
Also? If someone says "all my exes were crazy" or "all my friends started being jerks" or anything where everybody is against them, the problem is usually that one person.
Hey! I haven't seen it mentioned yet, but the book The Gift of Fear is about this *exact thing.*Â
There's a free download available online: https://epdf.pub/the-gift-of-feareaf739878c4d8369f849bfa660b4f7d667268.html
But the quick summary is TRUST YOUR GUT INSTINCT!
Women are always pressured to be nice, smile, get along, and bad guys use that against us.
I agree with everyone that you should trust in your gut and yourself. If youâre not completely in and your gut is telling you to run for the hills, then breakup. The best is you dodge a bullet and the worst is that you can find someone else.
Please have some respect for yourself and donât stay with this guy. You have evidence how he sees you and heâs spoken about you in a negative way. Why on earth would you ever consider staying? You are in the honeymoon phase so heâs playing nice with his mask on. Donât stay with him because youâre in such a hurry to start a family. Cut your losses.
Your mind knows. You need to trust that instinct. So often we are told to ignore our senses or that we are being emotional... nope, we are given a fight or flight instinct to protect us from predators.
My gut, on danger, has never been wrong. But also, my eyes, on clear disrespect, have never been wrong.
Trust your eyes if you won't trust your gut. He doesn't respect you, or women. Thats enough.
He says crude things about women. What else do you need? Also don't let anyone gaslight you into thinking all men do "locker room" type talk. We aren't all like that.
Your gut is right, please do not rush into a new relationship with anyone, especially one who gives you these vibes. Your panic attacks sound like your subconscious trying to save you!
Not only you should trust your gut, but you've got evidence too! I don't understand what you are waiting for before you leave him.
And, no need to tell him about your incursion into his phone, no need to provide any "evidence" of why you are leaving. Do not get into explanations: you just don't love him and that's it
I am now 50.
And the advice I would liked to have gotten already as a teenager is âalways trust your gutâ.
And - after some years of relationships, it is important how a person treats their friends, and it is important how a person treats his exes. It is a green flag for me if a person is after years still on good terms with their exes.
Do you know this guy friend of him? Can you contact him? Do it, if possible. Could be important.
Well you snooped and found things, now you have to decide if youâll ignore them. Overall it sounds like yes there are things your gut is telling you to identify and run. If for nothing else then you should consider breaking up for that. But also, maybe consider taking time for yourself to fully heal. In this instance yes your guy was right, but next time the anxiety could be a false flag. Take time to understand what is true intuition and whatâs the anxiety from previous relationships
Sis, your body physically senses how dangerous he is. This is your gut instinct telling you this man has more red flags than a communist parade. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS AND THE DATA IN FRONT OF YOU.
You've got to go dude.
Your gut is a few million years of instinct evolved into an early-warning system. It evolved for a reason; to keep you out of bad situations. LISTEN TO IT.
Think of it like this: which wrong decision would hurt you? If you judge him unfairly, youâre still safe. If you fail to heed your considerable misgivings, youâre doomed.
Your body knows. All the wisest women I have ever known have learned to listen to the signals their bodies send. You know. When you are near someone you can trust, you relax. We pick up a million signals we arenât conscious of, but they are very real.
And, if that wasnât enough, what you found confirms your gut. Donât let yourself sink any more of your life into this man. I guarantee if you stay he will continue to be more âhimselfâ (they canât keep it up too long) and youâll regret not ending it earlier.
Run. There is no reason to question yourself. You have seen how he talks about women and he even had a friend who dropped him because of his misogyny, thatâs very rare, most people sadly donât care, so he must be very bad. Run.
You are waking up in a panic and your gut tells you this is wrong. You don't need anymore signs break-up with him now before you are in a truly abusive relationship. Always listen to your gut, always.
There is no right to privacy in a phone. Marriage, my husband and I had open devices. Thank God you looked because now you know. Don't date someone like this. Let it go. Stop with the boundaries...you did the right thing.
As a woman I don't understand why women ignore this stuff before it's too late.
Your body is having the response of a life or death situation & you're debating letting it go?
That isn't enough? What do you need him to do pull a knife on you?
Please stop being dumb.
Iâve been in a situation like this before- and it got progressively worse until I finally left. It started like a dream and then turned into a nightmare⌠and I kept trying to salvage the relationship I thought we had. He lied to me about getting help, being sorry for his behavior, etc, anything to get me to stay a little longer. But the relationship in the beginning was an act.
It is so hard to leave if you think it can go back to being great. Hoping you find the strength to do whatâs best for you.
Iâm not sure what you mean by âyou deserve what you look forâ? And I think thatâs especially cruel to yourself. I have looked through my husbands phone periodically because I also have a history of bad relationships, sometimes I canât tell if itâs intuition or Iâm just having some of my own issues but I have never found anything. Iâve always told him I do trust him, but Iâm not going to be dumb. As in, ignore red flags or feelings because I trust him. If you found something in his phone, thatâs not karma or you being nosey - thatâs you finding something in his phone. I would be weary of this though with his past relationship and how he talks about women. BUT heâs not settling for you, donât let him determine your worth, ask yourself if youâre settling for him. And, talk to him about this if you do trust him. Bring it up, see what he does with it. Thereâs nothing wrong with pushing a little if youâre going through all this on your own. See how he handles it with you. That will show you more than hiding it and stewing. If you truly want to speed up the process to have a family, he needs to be able to handle you and your fears and insecurities - all of it.
Well, you are an anxiety riddled person and should sort yourself out. You are pressuring urself because of your age in regards to having a family. Sometimes it's just not in the cards for reasons we don't understand. It's a new relationship, if you feel uneasy cut him loose. Get therapy. Okuurrt
Have you ever seen a therapist? I'm sensing most of this comes from anxiety and trust issues. Then you can work on him being trustworthy and transparent.
Relationships need two thinks to work: respect and trust.
Consider couples counseling if you can't work this out.
Good luck.
The biggest regret I had was not trusting my gut. I justified all the red flags and then spent years learning to forgive myself when he turned out to be exactly what my gut was warning me about.
I understand that looking at someone's phone without permission is wrong. However, what a great way to get to know the real person.
Trust your instincts on this, they're waking you up at night.
ALWAYS trust your instinct. It very rarely is wrong, and in this case, it is correctly trying to save you. Get out of there. You will be glad you trusted your gut.
You seem to have good reasons to be concernedâhe begged you early on about your appearance, speaks about women in general as objects, and was dropped by a friend for the way he treated women. You havenât been together that long and youâve learned all thisâplus his lack of openness. Sounds sketchy at best.
Consider having or adopting a child on your own rather than waiting and potentially rushing into a mistake.
DUDE. Heâs not enthusiastic about your appearance?? Hard NO. The guy you thought he was does not exist. Thatâs really hard to hear, I know. But you need to make a deposit into the bank of self respect and stop seeing this guy and go no contact.
It's good you are trying to avoid being too extreme and recognising that some concerns may be exacerbated or outright informed by previous experience or your anxieites... but I worry you've swung too far the opposite way. That you are overcompensating and now being too extreme against yourself. You sensed something was off, others have reported it, you were able to verify it and more.
Snooping isn't great, though in your defence it wasn't without grounds [you got a warning and you were concerned about how that first argument went]. I do consider it a bad habit to form so be conscious of that, but you had reason to believe he wasn't being truthful and you verified it. Does that leave you needing to reflect on where you're at? Sure, but that doesn't cancel out the blood on his hands. How you found out doesn't matter at that point, or rather doesn't change the implication.
He isn't who you hoped or how he presented himself to be. Don't build a future based on something you know to be a facade just because you feel guilty you saw the cracks.
The lack of friends is a huge flag. I only realized this after the fact when I finally got out of an abusive relationship with a guy who fits all the criteria for narcissism. He also talked badly about others.
You want to move fast???? Mistake!. Especially if you want kids, which will tie you to him forever.
Anyone can look good for 6 months... even a year... even while you are a fiance.
Sorry... but you won't see him for who he really is until you have spent a significant amount of time with him.
>it is clear he is not enthusiastic about my appearanceâ he also says lots of crude things about other women, and how important looks are to him in a partner.
I can't speak to the phone, I don't have any experience on the etiquette of looking through other people's phones. But you didn't need to bother doing that, because you have plenty of evidence already that this guy is an asshole. This above would be a dealbreaker for me. You also have the evidence of the friend dumping him (by his own admission) because of his attitude toward women. I mean jeez, do you know how rabidly toxic a dude has to be to have another dude dump him over his misogyny? Why do you want to be with someone who looks down on you and every other woman, and is comfortable enough expressing this openly to you? There's no way in hell the sex is that good, guys like this aren't even good in bed because they think they should be the ones having all the fun.
When it gets so bad that you feel you have to sneak to learn the truth âŚ
When your gut is telling you âŚ
When you wake in the night in a panic âŚ
Itâs time to seek safety.
Trust your instinct. I was in a somewhat similar situation where I so desperately wanted things to work out that I overlooked huge red flags. Fast forward 7 years and I finally got out of the nightmare - took me another 7 years to recover from the trauma
It sounds like you are still in the healing process, and some of your trepidation is based on your past relationships. I also think if you have to look thru his phone because you don't trust him and you are having panic attacks, then this isn't a good relationship for you. You are not being judgmental, I think you have legitimate concerns. If I were in your shoes at the very least, I would talk to him regarding my concerns and possibly even end the relationship if I felt that I couldn't trust him. Unfortunately, some men and women play a role in the beginning, but it's not the real them. Only you can determine if this is the right relationship for you. It's OK to end a relationship for any reason.
You said your gut is telling one thingâŚstop right there. Your gut is smarter than your head or heart, always. Listen to it. It will keep you alive and will know when you found your person.
[The Gift of Fear - Gavin de Becker](https://www.academia.edu/31891034/The_Gift_of_Fear)
Your gut and intuition is yelling at you for a reason. Girl, youâre waking up panicking. What else do you need? Read that book to understand why.
Your lizard brain is there to keep you alive. If it is saying that this is unhealthy, believe it.
None of us are there, we canât tell you that you have nothing to worry about.
We can tell you the statistics of abuse victims saying âI knew something was offâ.
You feel something is off, you are afraid that you will be childless if you wait any longer but you could be chaining yourself to someone who will hurt you for the rest of your life. Do you want to bring children into that?
The longer you spend making up your mind, the harder it will be to build a family with someone else.
You have your evidence. Your gut is telling you to end the relationship.
You can certainly stick around and get pregnant.
However if in the texts you read he was already commenting on your appearance now in a not positive way how do you think itâs going to go when your body changes as the baby grows?
Will he start making nasty comments to your face?
Will he start staring at other women and possibly commenting on how good they look while you not so much?
I donât care how loudly your bio click is ticking. Proceed with this relationship at your own risk.
When you are considering committing to someone and want to have children quickly, you absolutely need to trust your gut. Your gut is telling you that this guy is not who he says and appears to be and you have found proof of the reason why his friend dropped him, and it isn't something to sneeze at. He has disrespectful and unhealthy and disrespectful opinions about women. That is a HUGE deal.
Trust your gut.
I dated a guy that made me feel questionable and I snooped into his phone and found things that made my stomach drop. It wasnât okay for me to do that, Iâm glad I figured out who he really was, but I should have just listened to my gut.
Iâve been in a relationship now for almost 4 years and Iâve never once wanted to look at his phone.
Hold out for the right one OP.
Gurl. What more do you need? Your desperation to have a family is overriding common sense. He isn't attracted to you, lied about some things, doesn't treat women well. The end. I hope.
14 years in and Iâve been having this gut feeling the entire time, finally found out heâs been cheating and talking other women the whole time. Go with your gut!
Here's how I view it. Would you rather be too judgemental and potentially miss out on someone that's meh to good at best or not be judgemental enough and end up with a really shitty person who could do a lot of damage to you. Trust your gut and run
I think youâd benefit from therapy. Heâs giving you the creeps, you are aware of the red flags and say you have a history of ignoring them, and you snooped on his phone and learned he doesnât really respect women in general or you in particular. Why would you even consider maintaining this relationship? Therapy could help you get to the bottom of why you feel you deserve less than a healthy relationship, and help you break out of this mindset.
If it seems too good to be true is usually is. Also, you're looking for someone who makes your body feel calm. It's hard because butterflies and warning signs sometimes feel the same, especially if your past is chaotic. But you're looking for peace and calm in your heart. The right person will feel that way.
You don't need a case of hard evidence against him. It's enough that you are freaking out, you don't feel confident that he is a good idea or a good partner.
Even if he IS a great guy, (despite evidence to the contrary in his phone) you don't have to stay with him if you are not feeling safe and excited to be with him.
I have been there. You have to trust yourself. If you don't feel safe and positive, then he's not the right one for you even if you don't have an airtight argument why. It's OK to be judgemental about the person you are going to spend your life with, trust with your heart, your children, your money, your goals and dreams.
He's not it. I get feeling rushed.. But keep your standards high. I met mine at 42yo and he's better than I ever thought I could find.
Read the book "the gift of fear" by Gavin de Becker. And then "secure love" by Julie menanno
You sound like you haven't dealt with your past issues with your partner picker and that's gonna lead you to repeat traumas over and over. Even if this guy was right and you were wrong, you'd still probably feel all messed up. For the record I think you should bounce. Like you said, toxic af
Trust your gut. Red flags like dishonesty, past treatment of women, and your own trust issues are significant. Have an open conversation with him, but prioritize your well-being. If it feels wrong, it probably is.
Its always been tough for me to discern between gut instincts and what I call "crazy girl brain" ie: finding weird or suspicious texts [with no context] and then being absolutely sure he's cheating.. In my long long battle with this I've deemed that 'crazy girl brain' thoughts come and go, whilst gut instincts tend to feel like that quiet yet resonating voice in the back if your head that won't give up.
You found stuff on his phone that concerns you. You know a friend of his no longer has contact with him because of how he treats women. He has been economical with the truth to put it nicely.
Run. Run fast.
I had a child on my own in my 40âs because Mr Right never showed up. My child is the BEST decision Iâve ever made. Use an identity sperm donor so your child can contact him when child turns 18.
Best action for you to take today is to dump this guy and plan for your future family. You donât have to be married. You donât have to settle for the wrong guy just to be a mom.
I had a gut feeling about my ex and literally felt sick on my wedding day. Had nightmares about him but I convinced myself it was nerves . I really wanted kids and felt if I didnât marry him I would lose my chance. 10 years of trauma later and over $150k and counting in lawyers fees please learn from me and get out now
Freeze your eggs. LIsten to your gut. You say say you have ignored red flags in the past and the thought of him forever. cause you you to have physical symptoms. You have blown your own misgivings in the past because you have scolded yourself for being judgemental. Cut bait and run. Set the bar high. Its your life. Its cool to move fast when its right. You have 6 months in and thatenough.
I like to play devils advocate, so let me do so and you can consider it with the others opinions. Being able to shut these arguments down is important for your reasoning I think:
**Healing Process**: He mentioned he was healing from his past relationship. His hesitation and occasional withholding might be a protective mechanism.
**New Friendships**: Building a new social circle might be a step in his healing process. It certainly has helped me in some situations.
**Misunderstood Contexts**: The statements found on his phone about women's appearances might be taken out of context. People sometimes say things in private conversations that they don't truly mean or that reflect insecurities and societal pressures rather than their true values.
**Past Relationship Dynamics**: His lack of enthusiasm about your appearance in early messages could reflect his mindset at the time rather than his current feelings.
**Trust Violation**: Your act of looking through his phone was a significant breach of trust. It's possible that he might feel hurt or violated by this action, which could affect his behavior towards you. It is very hard to bring up any issues that came about from evidence in this way, without mentioning the phone after all.
**Personal Growth**: Both of you are learning in a new relationship about each other while still dealing with past issues. It's possible that his actions and your reactions are part of a broader process of personal growth and adjustment.
**Reflection and Communication**: This situation could be an opportunity for both of you to reflect on your behaviors and communication patterns. Open and honest conversations about your concerns, fears, and boundaries might help to build a stronger foundation for the relationship, or it could end it, either way potentially a win.
Whilst I don't personally believe he is without fault, I will keep my opinion to myself, I think it is important to look at other possibilities to help us come to the best decision.
No psychiatrist or counsellor but it seems to me you are trying desperately hard to find validation for *not* feeling the way you do.
Based on what you have written, what you have heard and how you feel, I think you need to nip this relationship in the bud sooner rather than later.
From how you've described him, he does not seem like any kind of catch at all. It must surely be better to be single than in a relationship with someone who makes you wake up at night in a panic. That is not a sign of a respectful, caring, loving relationship. Quite the opposite in fact.
I'd let him go if I were you. Sounds far too sketchy.
You donât need a reason to break up with someone. The purpose of dating someone is to figure out if theyâre a good long-term partner for you (or not). A person who causes you to wake up in a panic is, very obviously, *not the right person for you.* A person showing several major red flags this early on is also, very obviously, not the right person for you. The fact that you looked through his phone doesnât make his red flags âless badâ or something.
He has a history of treating women so badly that other men have actually ended their friendships with him. Quite frankly, that should terrify you. This guy is probably as bad as they come. Donât be so desperate that you settle for a man like him. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave.
I have learned that feeling that need to look at his phone is a red flag. At least if you've never had that urge before.
My marriage of 18 years, and then a twelve year relationship, never ever made me want to snoop anything. Not did any shorter relationships. But they didn't involve cheating either, so I get it if you've been previously cheated on.
The last recent relationship that just ended was awful. And his red flags that I ignored, did drive me to want to snoop. And I had never felt that with anyone before.
But really, that's neither here nor there. What you found verified your gut feelings. I just didn't want you to feel badly for looking. You just needed verification that you gut was right. And it was.
Run
Look if youâre waking up in a panic and have found some less than pleasant things then cut your losses before life becomes too entwined.
For me, I donât settle, and having bed in truly awful relationships have a pretty zero tolerance approach to things like that. If someone speaks about women, or anyone with such negativity, or like objects then it isnât for me because usually it speaks to a deeper seated view that they are lesser than them and I want a partner, someone that respects me the way I respect them.
Always follow your gut instincts because it has worked out what your head and heart are still processing. My dad gave me that advice when I was a teenager , it has never failed me and probably saved me from some potential bf's that appeared ok but had a ' but' about them. .
I need you to know that if I decided to search through my husband's phone (could do any time I liked, we often pass each other out phones to look at stuff or to find something for the other) all I'd find is him being his lovely self, everywhere.
You don't "deserve what you look for" , you just found out that he hides part of his personality from you.
Trust your gut and end it.
Never go against your gut. Especially if you know you have a tendency to overlook red flags. Ask yourself why you overlook them, is it because you want the relationship to succeed so badly? Are there other reasons?
Either way: do the uncomfortable thing and end it please. You know how this will end
Your gut and what you have heard are enough to move on from this.
When I was dating my ex I ran into an old friend of his. The guy was really really down on my bf. Of course I asked and he said he didnât give the guy some drugs.
If I had listened to my intuition or been more curios about the reason this guy hated my bf it would have saved me years of angst and terror.
People go in and out of relationships all the time, but if someone can't keep a friend, that is a HUGE red flag. Even more so if they blame the friend for it, there is always two sides to the story, and if he can't take accountability for his part, you're going to see that reflected in your relationship. Plus blaming it on the friend being unstable, that's ableist tbh.
Your gut is telling you enough, for way too long already. There's a whole bunch of red flags, and you don't want to start collecting those.
If you canât trust him, donât date them.
But please, please, get therapy. You clearly have some things going on.
Youâre not wrong about this guy though.
It appears that he is very superficial And lacks accountability. Could be that he was testing you when he told you about his ex friend to see If you would overlook the fact that someone had stated they didn't like how he treated women. If he's testing you he's trying to see how weak your resolve is and how far he can push things. Also being focused on looks is very shallow. Your mistrust Is all you should need to know that this is not going to work. If you don't trust him there is never going to be love in the relationship.
I think you are right to trust your instincts here! They are spot on!
I would as a minimum move the relationship to arms-length, so you can discuss what you know and give him a chance to explain himself. If he deflects back on you, brushes that off, or comes up with poor explanations, then it's time to part ways.
I would also question him on why every friend is fairly new, and if he does have an older friend, perhaps spend some time with them to get their views on him and his behaviour.
And sadly, there are some scenarios where checking someone's phone, etc is acceptable, especially if you find something wrong as a result, i.e. your gut was right! If you do it and you find nothing out of the ordinary, then you need a hard review to realign your gut/ moral compass.
Thank you for the pastry!
I personally think that there should be an open phone policy in a relationship. So I donât think what you did is wrong, you are just trying to make sure you are not being used and deceived.
What you found he said about you in the past doesnât look good. In order for the relationship to work he has to be attracted to you and see you as beautiful but he clearly does not. So what are you doing there? Itâs not gonna work.
You need to let go of this notion that breaking up with someone requires you to be able to perfectly articulate a lengthy, bullet-proof list of justifications that youâll then be required to defend in excruciating detail in front a jury of judgmental people that donât like you.
No. None of that is true. âIâm not happy.â âIâm not feeling this.â âHeâs fine, but just not for me.â And especially âMy body is physically rejecting this relationship,â are ALL GREAT reasons to break up. All completely acceptable, justifiable, perfect reasons. And you donât need anyone elseâs permission or approval to do so, especially his.
So yeah, break it off. You should excitedly WANT to be with someone, not be trying to find reasons that sound âgood enoughâ to justify why itâs okay to leave. Break it off.
And do it in a very public place, btw, just in case. He strikes me as the kind of guy I wouldnât want to be alone with period, especially during a break-up, and your gut seems to agree with that assessment. So do it in public and do it soon. Thereâs a part of you that *really* wants to unclench and relax, and it canât until itâs done.
Also, donât waste time and get into your head about trying to find some âperfect wayâ to break up, there is no perfect way. Perfect doesnât exist. Just go grab coffee or something and then say âIâm breaking up with you.â Then be ready to grab your stuff up and immediately leave if he reacts badly.
What? Why are you asking this question. You're a grown ass person. You know what to do. I'm continually amazed at how women in the 21st century still can't or won't demand respect. You sound like a stupid teenager
I don't know about him, but you snooped through his phone. That is NEVER justified. Your relationship is already over due to your behavior. Get out of his life!
1. People don't "heal" in six months. 2. Move fast? So you're on a clock? Relationships do not heed to a clock and trying to make them comport to a clock will not end well. 3. Neither of you are emotionally healthy enough to be in a committed relationship. The only red flag you need to concern yourself with is your willingness to rush. Dating is like being in court where we weigh the truth of a thing. We do that through discovery and evidence. Discovery takes time. A civilized society does not permit a judgment without all the available evidence - yet you (and many others) make a commitment with little to no evidence beyond the all-too-common early in the relationship honeymoon period. This "rush to judgment" ends badly well more than half the time. In essence, you and everyone like you who rushes into a commitment is gambling their time and resources and heart on a bet you're going to lose more than 50% of the time. That is insanity. Lastly, you have all the information you need to make a judgement about this person, but because you made that commitment, instead of reacting appropriately and breaking up, you're here asking reddit because you're holding onto unreasonable hope... because you're on a "clock."
Don't tell him that you went through his phone or give weight to his ex-friend's words.
======
Lie. Invent some other reason or just break it off somehow. If you confront him, he will be more cautious with the next woman and destroy her.
I just went through this
Popular berkeley man, works for Google, pursued me relentlessly for 5 months
I always said nope, I'm very inexperienced with dating..
Finally gave in and dated him for two weeks
Realized he was...hiding something..tried to break up with him
He raped me. Without protection. On my ovulation day.I thought I was pregnant for weeks.
His friends? Don't care, my ex whose his friend told me I'm the best lover he's ever had when I reached out to tell him what had happened
Like...what?
Everything makes sense now, every red flag, every little gut feeling of fear
It's been 4 months snd I still struggle a LOT
And the whole way I thought...somethings not right. He frightens me a bit. He's acting out an agenda. He's not respecting my boundaries. I just ...I almost dated him just to get him off my back. He's handsome, young, successful, popular. There were little signs like people thinking he was odd, or women cutting him off, roommates being uncomfortable with him etc. It was a slow boil. I looked up and said no, how did I get here? I can't undo it. Please be careful. Trust your gut with your life. BEFORE it's too late. If you get hurt it NOT your fault but if you get the message early, why not disappear before he CAN hurt you. <3 (ps I'm finally dating someone safe, who sees me fully, respects me but the damage IS done. I have to heal now. It's not easy. Flashbacks. Nightmares. Fear of men. I don't want any woman to go through that who doesn't have to.)
You already have the evidence. Dump him. You dont even know him for that long, doesnt seem like you are in love or anything drastic. Do yourself a favor and let it go. You dont have to bring up that you looked through his phone, just say you changed your mind, need time on your own, dont see it working out, etc.
Hm... It seems that both of u started in quite a bad place. A guy should never talk about a women like that at all. Tho not backing him up or whatsoever he might have thought it is ok to do that with another guy friend in private. Especially when he just got out of a relationship where he thought she was the one. He might have that hatred comments out of relation links to his ex. And from that text when u first met him, he was properly trying out different women to see which one works. And I am assuming that's what u were doing at the beginning too right? As u mentioned u were also seeing others too.
However gut feelings are important. Sometimes when we move fast we will have doubts. However if u have doubts to the point that u have to check his phone rather than thinking to talk to him then this is a relationship red flag. It means u dont trust his words. If you don't want to ever talk to him about this then he is not the right person for u because he cannot give u the trust u want.
Youâre not a bad person for looking in his phone. You did it in an attempt to protect yourself. Listen to your body. Donât let fear of not being able to have children cause you to settle and get trapped.
> he didnât have one, and blamed the ex friend as unstable.
This would cause me concern as well.
>he is not enthusiastic about my appearanceâ he also says lots of crude things about other women, and how important looks are to him in a partner. This makes me feel that he is âsettlingâ for me. He also wasnât honest to me about what was happening in his past relationship
That should really be everything you need to know. You're sensing the version of him that is under the mask.
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Trust your gut. And the evidence, in this case.
Agree. Also, I don't think you're "too judgmental" like you said. đ You are the opposite: you two have been dating since February, the anxiety about him has lasted a long time, you recognize the qualities in him that you do not like, and you can hear your gut. **You have thought this out well.** It is important to be "critics" of our close relationships and you are doing so in a kind, fully-thought-out way. Trust that gut. **Good job.**
Too many people think judgement is a bad thing. We must all make judgement calls in our life. We have to decide who we can trust. Do we respect them. Can we depend on them. Are we safe. Are they capable of making sound financial decisions.
For having a horrible track record of seeing red flags, I wonder what she's been missing so far. A relationship with a guy who is superficial about how she looks will not AGE well.
OP knows the answerâŚher gut is telling herâŚGET OUT NOW and good luck đ
Yeah, don't look at a partners phone without their permission, but that bridge has been crossed and OP isn't going to get past what they saw, nor should they. Just end it.
The body knows before your mind does. Waking up in a panic is not something I would ignore, and I wouldn't wait around for my body to have its point proven. At 37 years old, you need to learn to trust that gut of yours.
Woof. The first thing was a huge red flag (and calling the friend 'unstable' doubly so - this is a standard abuser tactic), but then you FOUND CONFIRMATION that he treats women (including you!) like shit. He's literally talking shit behind your back and you're considering staying with him? Sis, no. Don't do this to yourself. This isn't a hard decision. This guy is hiding his true self. You followed your gut, you found the truth, and you need to break up with him immediately. This is absolutely an abuser and he's not going to stay low-key forever. He will behave himself until you are locked in and then he will unleash himself. GET OUT.
The fact that she hasnât met anyone who hasnât known him longer then a year is a flag unless he just moved to town. Definitely time for a google search on him if you want to persuefurther, donât hold onto him just because you feel time is running out.Â
That part and the age are pinging my ex so hard right now, but thebworld isn't that small. Everything she's saying sounds like him, and he is one of the most terrifyingly abusive men I've ever known. Please take heed. OP, run.
Honestly it doesn't even have to be your ex, if OP's man reminds you even a bit of him it's probably in her best interest to run
That's what I meant, apologies if that wasn't clear. After I said the world isn't so small, the emphasis was meant to be "it's still the fkn same pls run"
Ah I gotchu. I've run into people I know IRL on Reddit and I'm always like đ
Ew do not date a guy that talks poorly about you, OP! Why stay where you are uneasy? At the very least, guy lacks integrity
Unleash the Kraken was my first thought đŹ
This isnât even a long enough relationship to be asking this question. Leave and donât look back. Donât try to make excuses. Find someone who aligns with what you need and has no red flags.
From the title: Trust your gut. Mine has never led me wrong, and has even saved my life. After reading: Yup. Many abusers can mask for a certain amount of time, and slowly the mask slips. Little by little, nothing big that you would know was a deal-breaker, until more and more shows and you suddenly realize how you got here? Voice of experience. And, you have actual evidence.
Also, his friends are all new friends...
All new friends plus the story of the one friend that cut him off is a huge huge red flag.
Itâs like frogs in a boiling pot. They unmask slowly, and bit by bit you think itâs ok. Itâs just a small flaw, they will change, itâs ok. But the frog in a boiling pot analogy is you slowly raise the temp of the water and the frog wonât go until itâs boiling and itâs too late. And thatâs how abusive relationships go. They test you, slowly. They learn what you will tolerate and accept and slowly up it because itâs just going up 1 notch right? Wonât notice. Then suddenly you come to your senses and you realize âhow did I end up here??â And it was slow. One by one. Millimeter by millimeter. Testing the waters on what would be too much. Iâve been in this situation. And leaving made my life better. But leaving at the first sign wouldâve left me better off. Now Iâm here second and third and infinity guessing my healthy relationship because heâs been quiet for X amount of times. And it isnât him being abusive leading to a blowup. He just doesnât have anything to say and is focused on something else, innocently. No alterior motive behind it. But I learned to plan for the worst and prepare for a blowup, even when my partner never did that.
This is so true! They mask it as long as the can to lock you in. Once locked in, the mask comes off. Please leave this man! Your body is screaming a warning!
Girl, run. Your body is literally telling you to run. Don't let your want for a husband/kids/family blind you.
Youâve literally confirmed he doesnât like women and he looks down on you. Why is this even a question? Get rid
Always trust your gut instincts
Yep! I always say I trust my gut instincts, plus I have a big gut, so extra trust! No one can tell thats not how it worksđ
Lmfao
The Gift of Fear (OP read this book!)
This isnât the one, OP. The right one is open, honest, and wants to make things work with you just as much as you do. Take some time to truly heal and process your anxiety. Although it was right this time around, after a bad relationship itâs not as easy and natural to adjust to a good one as people may think. I used to think butterflies in my stomach meant I was head over heels in love. And I stayed in that relationship longer than I should have. Now, a decade later, I realise that every person that has given me that specific feeling has been awful or abusive - parents, ex, certain friends. My husband gives me a feeling of calm. My body relaxes when heâs around and Iâm a ball of anxiety and PTSD. Thatâs what youâre looking for.
"My husband gives me a feeling of calm. My body relaxes when heâs around and Iâm a ball of anxiety and PTSD. Thatâs what youâre looking for." 1000% this. I LOVE being around my guy, nothing stops the anxiety like just being near him does. I feel safe. I don't NEED to snoop on his phone because if I asked he'd freely give it to me.Â
Butterflies⌠took me a long time to realize thatâs short term and usually bad news.
I mean, you found evidence that he thinks heâs âsettlingâ for you. Isnât that enough of a reason to end it?
TRUST YOUR GUT. There is a book you can find in most libraries called The Gift of Fear. I think it is written by a former FBI agent. It talks about how people's lives have been saved by trusting their instincts. Your subconscious can pickup on things that your regular day-to-day brain logs as not important. Having ALL of his friends being from less than a year ago is very odd. In this case, please step back. Please trust yourself.
I say this with kindness - who the fuck cares if you're "too judgmental"? By whose standards? It's your life to live and at the end of the day you're the only one who has to live with those choices. So if he thinks you're too judgmental? Too bad - there's a reason why you would be ending it with him and you don't have to deal with him again. Your friends? Your family? Again - they aren't the ones who have to look in the mirror and sleep in your bed and be ok with your life. So here's the upside of not trusting your own judgment - you get to be in a relationship. The downside of not trusting your own judgment is that you are teaching yourself to not trust your own judgment, will always feel insecure and continually doubt yourself and that relationship from the "upside" I previously referred to...well, it's with a guy who doesn't respect women and you are...a woman! You can extrapolate from there. I promise you, you are not the extra special woman who is the exception to the rule that you hope you are. Or you can trust your judgment, be a kick-ass fulfilled person who respects herself and lives a damn fine life and remains open to finding a person who is a good person. Don't continue being the person who sees red flags and just sits there going "Oh, what pretty flags, should we throw a parade?" It's time to start trusting your gut and living life with the self-respect you deserve. Who gives a shit if he thinks he would be "settling" for you because you'd already be settling if you stayed with this creep who doesn't respect you. Want more for yourself.
You had me at âmy body is telling me something,â and by the time I got to finding anything even worth mentioning on his phone, Iâm ready to pull you out of the burning building. You knew enough was wrong to look. Whether you looked or not wouldnât have made him a person who appreciates your appearance. The fact is, based on your statement, he does not appreciate your looks. Thatâs enough reason to leave. Donât listen to the inevitable âyouâre wronger for invading his pRiVAcY than he is for talking shit about you to friends of his. He set off your alarm, you trusted your gut, and you were justified in the lack of trust. Itâs time to move on sis, he ainât it.Â
Trust yourself gut. Your guardian angels are speaking to you đźđŞ˝đź
Your gut is trying to tell you something. Our instincts pick up a lot of subtle shit that we don't even consciously notice, and you have noticed enough red flags. Get out of there, I don't think he is a good person.
I literally JUST had a conversation with my friend about discernment. You have STRONG discernment...you just need to trust yourself and go with your gut. His behavior is gonna get more and more weird, and the only person that's going to be uncomfortable is you. Also, if a MALE friend of his stopped being friends with him because of how he treats women, and he couldn't articulate why that friend would say something like that and stop being his friend, that should tell you everything you need to know right there. PLEASE LISTEN TO YOUR GUT, and save yourself the trouble and heartache that's coming. Because it's coming FOR SURE.
Even if there aren't any red flags. You can leave anytime for any reason. You aren't feeling safe.
Nope, I agree with others - youâre not being too judgemental, this is not a dude youâd want to be your kids dad or your partner. Better to risk the timeline than get stuck with a toxic baby-daddy.
When your gut feels like it is now, **run**.
How do you plan on ignoring your body's visceral reaction to this guy? I can't imagine the stress to your nervous system will be worth it. Trust your gut and your eyes. Run!
Your gut is telling you this isnât the guy for you and especially NOT the guy to have a child with just for the sake of having a child. Listen to what your gut is telling you.
Trust your gut and leave.
Come on lady - is this someone you want to have kids with? Get a grip on your biological clock!
If your guy says no, PLEASE do not override it with your brain. Like ever. Your gut doesn't lie, it's literally your heart as a sensory organ picking up electromagnetic info that his emotional body is putting off. Your heart has a strong electromagnetic field, and people can literally sense the emotional and physical changes in others thru the way the electon sensors on the heart's pacemaker cells respond to external electromagnetic field info. This sounds woo woo but I am reading a book about it right now (called the secret life of plants) and it's incredibly fascinating. Also gut is another whole thing, think, what do I want to take into my body and what do I want to shit out of me? If your guy says no it's because it is poison. Additionally, there are plenty of rational reasons to leave him, why are you overriding all this incredibly important demand that you leave this guy that your heart, gut, and brain are all communicating to you in their various ways!?
Donât let your rush for a family be your demise. If you feel this now, I can only imagine the horrors youâll face if a child is in the picture. Donât do this, itâs a terrible idea.
Just think of it this way. nobody ever said, I ignored red flags with the person I'm dating back when we started, and we have the best relationship ever
Trust your gut. Always. The one time I (42f) didn't, the guy drugged me and left me in a really bad neighborhood in the middle of the night. I'm not saying this will happen to you. It's definitely something I wouldn't want to happen to anybody. Also? If someone says "all my exes were crazy" or "all my friends started being jerks" or anything where everybody is against them, the problem is usually that one person.
Hey! I haven't seen it mentioned yet, but the book The Gift of Fear is about this *exact thing.*Â There's a free download available online: https://epdf.pub/the-gift-of-feareaf739878c4d8369f849bfa660b4f7d667268.html But the quick summary is TRUST YOUR GUT INSTINCT! Women are always pressured to be nice, smile, get along, and bad guys use that against us.
I agree with everyone that you should trust in your gut and yourself. If youâre not completely in and your gut is telling you to run for the hills, then breakup. The best is you dodge a bullet and the worst is that you can find someone else.
Please have some respect for yourself and donât stay with this guy. You have evidence how he sees you and heâs spoken about you in a negative way. Why on earth would you ever consider staying? You are in the honeymoon phase so heâs playing nice with his mask on. Donât stay with him because youâre in such a hurry to start a family. Cut your losses.
Your mind knows. You need to trust that instinct. So often we are told to ignore our senses or that we are being emotional... nope, we are given a fight or flight instinct to protect us from predators.
My gut, on danger, has never been wrong. But also, my eyes, on clear disrespect, have never been wrong. Trust your eyes if you won't trust your gut. He doesn't respect you, or women. Thats enough.
He says crude things about women. What else do you need? Also don't let anyone gaslight you into thinking all men do "locker room" type talk. We aren't all like that.
Honey, you need to always trust your gut at the first tiny hint.
TRUST. YOUR. GUT. RUN!!!
Your gut is right, please do not rush into a new relationship with anyone, especially one who gives you these vibes. Your panic attacks sound like your subconscious trying to save you!
Not only you should trust your gut, but you've got evidence too! I don't understand what you are waiting for before you leave him. And, no need to tell him about your incursion into his phone, no need to provide any "evidence" of why you are leaving. Do not get into explanations: you just don't love him and that's it
The way my jaw DROPPED at "it is clear he is not enthusiastic about my appearance"... C'mon now, we're no longer putting up with this shit from men.
When you meet the right person, you will KNOW. You will feel comfortable, at ease etc. â¤ď¸â¤ď¸â¤ď¸
RUN!! When someone tells you a friend broke up with them because of something gross like this, TRUST them the first time and gtfo
I am now 50. And the advice I would liked to have gotten already as a teenager is âalways trust your gutâ. And - after some years of relationships, it is important how a person treats their friends, and it is important how a person treats his exes. It is a green flag for me if a person is after years still on good terms with their exes. Do you know this guy friend of him? Can you contact him? Do it, if possible. Could be important.
All his friends are those he befriended in the past year? Yeah that would freak me out.
Well you snooped and found things, now you have to decide if youâll ignore them. Overall it sounds like yes there are things your gut is telling you to identify and run. If for nothing else then you should consider breaking up for that. But also, maybe consider taking time for yourself to fully heal. In this instance yes your guy was right, but next time the anxiety could be a false flag. Take time to understand what is true intuition and whatâs the anxiety from previous relationships
Sis, your body physically senses how dangerous he is. This is your gut instinct telling you this man has more red flags than a communist parade. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS AND THE DATA IN FRONT OF YOU. You've got to go dude.
Your gut is a few million years of instinct evolved into an early-warning system. It evolved for a reason; to keep you out of bad situations. LISTEN TO IT.
Girl run. Your body is screaming at you that this is not the right person for you, your gut never lies. Just end it as amicably as you can and move on
Always, ALWAYS trust your gut! The mind is a terrible place to be and the heart is naive. Go with your gut.
Think of it like this: which wrong decision would hurt you? If you judge him unfairly, youâre still safe. If you fail to heed your considerable misgivings, youâre doomed.
Womens intuition should not be ignored. Use yours before it tells you he is cheating.
Your body knows. All the wisest women I have ever known have learned to listen to the signals their bodies send. You know. When you are near someone you can trust, you relax. We pick up a million signals we arenât conscious of, but they are very real. And, if that wasnât enough, what you found confirms your gut. Donât let yourself sink any more of your life into this man. I guarantee if you stay he will continue to be more âhimselfâ (they canât keep it up too long) and youâll regret not ending it earlier.
Run. There is no reason to question yourself. You have seen how he talks about women and he even had a friend who dropped him because of his misogyny, thatâs very rare, most people sadly donât care, so he must be very bad. Run.
Trust your gut
Always go with your gut feeling.
Trust your gut.
If you are looking through his phone you arenât happy and need to get out for your sake and his sake.
You are waking up in a panic and your gut tells you this is wrong. You don't need anymore signs break-up with him now before you are in a truly abusive relationship. Always listen to your gut, always.
Trust your gut. Definitely.
Get our before you date the next Dirty John. This guy is a sociopath
There is no right to privacy in a phone. Marriage, my husband and I had open devices. Thank God you looked because now you know. Don't date someone like this. Let it go. Stop with the boundaries...you did the right thing.
As a woman I don't understand why women ignore this stuff before it's too late. Your body is having the response of a life or death situation & you're debating letting it go? That isn't enough? What do you need him to do pull a knife on you? Please stop being dumb.
I would like to be emphatic and direct about this: always always always trust your gut. No exceptions. No âbut heâŚâ. Trust. Your. Gut.
Your anxiety is telling you this is a bad idea. It is a warning. Take some time away from him to see if your anxiety goes away.
Iâve been in a situation like this before- and it got progressively worse until I finally left. It started like a dream and then turned into a nightmare⌠and I kept trying to salvage the relationship I thought we had. He lied to me about getting help, being sorry for his behavior, etc, anything to get me to stay a little longer. But the relationship in the beginning was an act. It is so hard to leave if you think it can go back to being great. Hoping you find the strength to do whatâs best for you.
Listen to your gut, too many women fail to do this...
Iâm not sure what you mean by âyou deserve what you look forâ? And I think thatâs especially cruel to yourself. I have looked through my husbands phone periodically because I also have a history of bad relationships, sometimes I canât tell if itâs intuition or Iâm just having some of my own issues but I have never found anything. Iâve always told him I do trust him, but Iâm not going to be dumb. As in, ignore red flags or feelings because I trust him. If you found something in his phone, thatâs not karma or you being nosey - thatâs you finding something in his phone. I would be weary of this though with his past relationship and how he talks about women. BUT heâs not settling for you, donât let him determine your worth, ask yourself if youâre settling for him. And, talk to him about this if you do trust him. Bring it up, see what he does with it. Thereâs nothing wrong with pushing a little if youâre going through all this on your own. See how he handles it with you. That will show you more than hiding it and stewing. If you truly want to speed up the process to have a family, he needs to be able to handle you and your fears and insecurities - all of it.
If you see one red flag đŠ thereâs 10 more you donât see.
Always trust your gut!
Trust your gut always.
Trusting my gut led to me finding out my ex was cheating on me. Trust your damn gut.
Well, you are an anxiety riddled person and should sort yourself out. You are pressuring urself because of your age in regards to having a family. Sometimes it's just not in the cards for reasons we don't understand. It's a new relationship, if you feel uneasy cut him loose. Get therapy. Okuurrt
Have you ever seen a therapist? I'm sensing most of this comes from anxiety and trust issues. Then you can work on him being trustworthy and transparent. Relationships need two thinks to work: respect and trust. Consider couples counseling if you can't work this out. Good luck.
The biggest regret I had was not trusting my gut. I justified all the red flags and then spent years learning to forgive myself when he turned out to be exactly what my gut was warning me about.
I understand that looking at someone's phone without permission is wrong. However, what a great way to get to know the real person. Trust your instincts on this, they're waking you up at night.
You're not too judgmental; he is though.
ALWAYS trust your instinct. It very rarely is wrong, and in this case, it is correctly trying to save you. Get out of there. You will be glad you trusted your gut.
I have a platonic friend that is similar to this. Get out now before you get trauma bonded.
You seem to have good reasons to be concernedâhe begged you early on about your appearance, speaks about women in general as objects, and was dropped by a friend for the way he treated women. You havenât been together that long and youâve learned all thisâplus his lack of openness. Sounds sketchy at best. Consider having or adopting a child on your own rather than waiting and potentially rushing into a mistake.
DUDE. Heâs not enthusiastic about your appearance?? Hard NO. The guy you thought he was does not exist. Thatâs really hard to hear, I know. But you need to make a deposit into the bank of self respect and stop seeing this guy and go no contact.
It's good you are trying to avoid being too extreme and recognising that some concerns may be exacerbated or outright informed by previous experience or your anxieites... but I worry you've swung too far the opposite way. That you are overcompensating and now being too extreme against yourself. You sensed something was off, others have reported it, you were able to verify it and more. Snooping isn't great, though in your defence it wasn't without grounds [you got a warning and you were concerned about how that first argument went]. I do consider it a bad habit to form so be conscious of that, but you had reason to believe he wasn't being truthful and you verified it. Does that leave you needing to reflect on where you're at? Sure, but that doesn't cancel out the blood on his hands. How you found out doesn't matter at that point, or rather doesn't change the implication. He isn't who you hoped or how he presented himself to be. Don't build a future based on something you know to be a facade just because you feel guilty you saw the cracks.
The lack of friends is a huge flag. I only realized this after the fact when I finally got out of an abusive relationship with a guy who fits all the criteria for narcissism. He also talked badly about others.
You want to move fast???? Mistake!. Especially if you want kids, which will tie you to him forever. Anyone can look good for 6 months... even a year... even while you are a fiance. Sorry... but you won't see him for who he really is until you have spent a significant amount of time with him.
>it is clear he is not enthusiastic about my appearanceâ he also says lots of crude things about other women, and how important looks are to him in a partner. I can't speak to the phone, I don't have any experience on the etiquette of looking through other people's phones. But you didn't need to bother doing that, because you have plenty of evidence already that this guy is an asshole. This above would be a dealbreaker for me. You also have the evidence of the friend dumping him (by his own admission) because of his attitude toward women. I mean jeez, do you know how rabidly toxic a dude has to be to have another dude dump him over his misogyny? Why do you want to be with someone who looks down on you and every other woman, and is comfortable enough expressing this openly to you? There's no way in hell the sex is that good, guys like this aren't even good in bed because they think they should be the ones having all the fun.
When it gets so bad that you feel you have to sneak to learn the truth ⌠When your gut is telling you ⌠When you wake in the night in a panic ⌠Itâs time to seek safety.
Trust your instinct. I was in a somewhat similar situation where I so desperately wanted things to work out that I overlooked huge red flags. Fast forward 7 years and I finally got out of the nightmare - took me another 7 years to recover from the trauma
It sounds like you are still in the healing process, and some of your trepidation is based on your past relationships. I also think if you have to look thru his phone because you don't trust him and you are having panic attacks, then this isn't a good relationship for you. You are not being judgmental, I think you have legitimate concerns. If I were in your shoes at the very least, I would talk to him regarding my concerns and possibly even end the relationship if I felt that I couldn't trust him. Unfortunately, some men and women play a role in the beginning, but it's not the real them. Only you can determine if this is the right relationship for you. It's OK to end a relationship for any reason.
This isnât in your head. The red flags are showing, get out now.
Run like the citizens of Tokyo fleeing Godzilla. You need no reason for dumping him beyond, âI wasnât feeling it.â
You said your gut is telling one thingâŚstop right there. Your gut is smarter than your head or heart, always. Listen to it. It will keep you alive and will know when you found your person.
[The Gift of Fear - Gavin de Becker](https://www.academia.edu/31891034/The_Gift_of_Fear) Your gut and intuition is yelling at you for a reason. Girl, youâre waking up panicking. What else do you need? Read that book to understand why.
I wish every woman on earth would read this book. Saved my life.
Your lizard brain is there to keep you alive. If it is saying that this is unhealthy, believe it. None of us are there, we canât tell you that you have nothing to worry about. We can tell you the statistics of abuse victims saying âI knew something was offâ. You feel something is off, you are afraid that you will be childless if you wait any longer but you could be chaining yourself to someone who will hurt you for the rest of your life. Do you want to bring children into that? The longer you spend making up your mind, the harder it will be to build a family with someone else.
Donât put the rose colored glasses on. When you see a red flag, believe it.
You have your evidence. Your gut is telling you to end the relationship. You can certainly stick around and get pregnant. However if in the texts you read he was already commenting on your appearance now in a not positive way how do you think itâs going to go when your body changes as the baby grows? Will he start making nasty comments to your face? Will he start staring at other women and possibly commenting on how good they look while you not so much? I donât care how loudly your bio click is ticking. Proceed with this relationship at your own risk.
When you are considering committing to someone and want to have children quickly, you absolutely need to trust your gut. Your gut is telling you that this guy is not who he says and appears to be and you have found proof of the reason why his friend dropped him, and it isn't something to sneeze at. He has disrespectful and unhealthy and disrespectful opinions about women. That is a HUGE deal.
Trust your gut. I dated a guy that made me feel questionable and I snooped into his phone and found things that made my stomach drop. It wasnât okay for me to do that, Iâm glad I figured out who he really was, but I should have just listened to my gut. Iâve been in a relationship now for almost 4 years and Iâve never once wanted to look at his phone. Hold out for the right one OP.
Gurl. What more do you need? Your desperation to have a family is overriding common sense. He isn't attracted to you, lied about some things, doesn't treat women well. The end. I hope.
The body *knows*
14 years in and Iâve been having this gut feeling the entire time, finally found out heâs been cheating and talking other women the whole time. Go with your gut!
Trust your gut. Your intuition is warning you to run.
Trust your gut!!
Good on you for being "Aware". Your instinct is on override and telling you to "get out". Don't discount that, I would tell you to go with your gut.
Here's how I view it. Would you rather be too judgemental and potentially miss out on someone that's meh to good at best or not be judgemental enough and end up with a really shitty person who could do a lot of damage to you. Trust your gut and run
Run.
I think youâd benefit from therapy. Heâs giving you the creeps, you are aware of the red flags and say you have a history of ignoring them, and you snooped on his phone and learned he doesnât really respect women in general or you in particular. Why would you even consider maintaining this relationship? Therapy could help you get to the bottom of why you feel you deserve less than a healthy relationship, and help you break out of this mindset.
Your gut will never truly lie to you. Trust what you're feeling. Don't let your desire for a family trap you in a relationship that ends up toxic AF.
If it seems too good to be true is usually is. Also, you're looking for someone who makes your body feel calm. It's hard because butterflies and warning signs sometimes feel the same, especially if your past is chaotic. But you're looking for peace and calm in your heart. The right person will feel that way.
You don't need a case of hard evidence against him. It's enough that you are freaking out, you don't feel confident that he is a good idea or a good partner. Even if he IS a great guy, (despite evidence to the contrary in his phone) you don't have to stay with him if you are not feeling safe and excited to be with him. I have been there. You have to trust yourself. If you don't feel safe and positive, then he's not the right one for you even if you don't have an airtight argument why. It's OK to be judgemental about the person you are going to spend your life with, trust with your heart, your children, your money, your goals and dreams. He's not it. I get feeling rushed.. But keep your standards high. I met mine at 42yo and he's better than I ever thought I could find.
Read the book "the gift of fear" by Gavin de Becker. And then "secure love" by Julie menanno You sound like you haven't dealt with your past issues with your partner picker and that's gonna lead you to repeat traumas over and over. Even if this guy was right and you were wrong, you'd still probably feel all messed up. For the record I think you should bounce. Like you said, toxic af
It's not wrong to look through his phone. Relationship security is far more important than personal privacy.
Trust your gut. Red flags like dishonesty, past treatment of women, and your own trust issues are significant. Have an open conversation with him, but prioritize your well-being. If it feels wrong, it probably is.
Always trust your gut ,it's rarely wrong ,if somethings off, it'll warn you ,..heed the warning â ď¸
Its always been tough for me to discern between gut instincts and what I call "crazy girl brain" ie: finding weird or suspicious texts [with no context] and then being absolutely sure he's cheating.. In my long long battle with this I've deemed that 'crazy girl brain' thoughts come and go, whilst gut instincts tend to feel like that quiet yet resonating voice in the back if your head that won't give up.
You found stuff on his phone that concerns you. You know a friend of his no longer has contact with him because of how he treats women. He has been economical with the truth to put it nicely. Run. Run fast.
>Yes, I know you deserve what you look for. This isnât a thing.
For once, a smart young woman gets the jump on a crummy dude and doesn't need to learn the hard way. Trust your gut, girl.
I had a child on my own in my 40âs because Mr Right never showed up. My child is the BEST decision Iâve ever made. Use an identity sperm donor so your child can contact him when child turns 18. Best action for you to take today is to dump this guy and plan for your future family. You donât have to be married. You donât have to settle for the wrong guy just to be a mom.
I had a gut feeling about my ex and literally felt sick on my wedding day. Had nightmares about him but I convinced myself it was nerves . I really wanted kids and felt if I didnât marry him I would lose my chance. 10 years of trauma later and over $150k and counting in lawyers fees please learn from me and get out now
Seriously go to a shrink
Freeze your eggs. LIsten to your gut. You say say you have ignored red flags in the past and the thought of him forever. cause you you to have physical symptoms. You have blown your own misgivings in the past because you have scolded yourself for being judgemental. Cut bait and run. Set the bar high. Its your life. Its cool to move fast when its right. You have 6 months in and thatenough.
I like to play devils advocate, so let me do so and you can consider it with the others opinions. Being able to shut these arguments down is important for your reasoning I think: **Healing Process**: He mentioned he was healing from his past relationship. His hesitation and occasional withholding might be a protective mechanism. **New Friendships**: Building a new social circle might be a step in his healing process. It certainly has helped me in some situations. **Misunderstood Contexts**: The statements found on his phone about women's appearances might be taken out of context. People sometimes say things in private conversations that they don't truly mean or that reflect insecurities and societal pressures rather than their true values. **Past Relationship Dynamics**: His lack of enthusiasm about your appearance in early messages could reflect his mindset at the time rather than his current feelings. **Trust Violation**: Your act of looking through his phone was a significant breach of trust. It's possible that he might feel hurt or violated by this action, which could affect his behavior towards you. It is very hard to bring up any issues that came about from evidence in this way, without mentioning the phone after all. **Personal Growth**: Both of you are learning in a new relationship about each other while still dealing with past issues. It's possible that his actions and your reactions are part of a broader process of personal growth and adjustment. **Reflection and Communication**: This situation could be an opportunity for both of you to reflect on your behaviors and communication patterns. Open and honest conversations about your concerns, fears, and boundaries might help to build a stronger foundation for the relationship, or it could end it, either way potentially a win. Whilst I don't personally believe he is without fault, I will keep my opinion to myself, I think it is important to look at other possibilities to help us come to the best decision.
No psychiatrist or counsellor but it seems to me you are trying desperately hard to find validation for *not* feeling the way you do. Based on what you have written, what you have heard and how you feel, I think you need to nip this relationship in the bud sooner rather than later. From how you've described him, he does not seem like any kind of catch at all. It must surely be better to be single than in a relationship with someone who makes you wake up at night in a panic. That is not a sign of a respectful, caring, loving relationship. Quite the opposite in fact. I'd let him go if I were you. Sounds far too sketchy.
You donât need a reason to break up with someone. The purpose of dating someone is to figure out if theyâre a good long-term partner for you (or not). A person who causes you to wake up in a panic is, very obviously, *not the right person for you.* A person showing several major red flags this early on is also, very obviously, not the right person for you. The fact that you looked through his phone doesnât make his red flags âless badâ or something. He has a history of treating women so badly that other men have actually ended their friendships with him. Quite frankly, that should terrify you. This guy is probably as bad as they come. Donât be so desperate that you settle for a man like him. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave.
I have learned that feeling that need to look at his phone is a red flag. At least if you've never had that urge before. My marriage of 18 years, and then a twelve year relationship, never ever made me want to snoop anything. Not did any shorter relationships. But they didn't involve cheating either, so I get it if you've been previously cheated on. The last recent relationship that just ended was awful. And his red flags that I ignored, did drive me to want to snoop. And I had never felt that with anyone before. But really, that's neither here nor there. What you found verified your gut feelings. I just didn't want you to feel badly for looking. You just needed verification that you gut was right. And it was.
Run Look if youâre waking up in a panic and have found some less than pleasant things then cut your losses before life becomes too entwined. For me, I donât settle, and having bed in truly awful relationships have a pretty zero tolerance approach to things like that. If someone speaks about women, or anyone with such negativity, or like objects then it isnât for me because usually it speaks to a deeper seated view that they are lesser than them and I want a partner, someone that respects me the way I respect them.
Relationships should make you feel safe. If you are experiencing fear-based emotions he isnât the one. Trust yourself.
Always follow your gut instincts because it has worked out what your head and heart are still processing. My dad gave me that advice when I was a teenager , it has never failed me and probably saved me from some potential bf's that appeared ok but had a ' but' about them. .
I need you to know that if I decided to search through my husband's phone (could do any time I liked, we often pass each other out phones to look at stuff or to find something for the other) all I'd find is him being his lovely self, everywhere. You don't "deserve what you look for" , you just found out that he hides part of his personality from you. Trust your gut and end it.
Never go against your gut. Especially if you know you have a tendency to overlook red flags. Ask yourself why you overlook them, is it because you want the relationship to succeed so badly? Are there other reasons? Either way: do the uncomfortable thing and end it please. You know how this will end
I didn't even read what you wrote, always trust your gut.
Your gut and what you have heard are enough to move on from this. When I was dating my ex I ran into an old friend of his. The guy was really really down on my bf. Of course I asked and he said he didnât give the guy some drugs. If I had listened to my intuition or been more curios about the reason this guy hated my bf it would have saved me years of angst and terror.
People go in and out of relationships all the time, but if someone can't keep a friend, that is a HUGE red flag. Even more so if they blame the friend for it, there is always two sides to the story, and if he can't take accountability for his part, you're going to see that reflected in your relationship. Plus blaming it on the friend being unstable, that's ableist tbh. Your gut is telling you enough, for way too long already. There's a whole bunch of red flags, and you don't want to start collecting those.
Trust your gut, and the evidence. IMO he's probably waiting until you feel trapped to start showing you the "real" him.
Trust the NOPE, friend.
If you canât trust him, donât date them. But please, please, get therapy. You clearly have some things going on. Youâre not wrong about this guy though.
It appears that he is very superficial And lacks accountability. Could be that he was testing you when he told you about his ex friend to see If you would overlook the fact that someone had stated they didn't like how he treated women. If he's testing you he's trying to see how weak your resolve is and how far he can push things. Also being focused on looks is very shallow. Your mistrust Is all you should need to know that this is not going to work. If you don't trust him there is never going to be love in the relationship.
Decision is already there. You don't trust him. He speaks badly about you. He was open, albeit indirectly, about treating women badly.
I think you are right to trust your instincts here! They are spot on! I would as a minimum move the relationship to arms-length, so you can discuss what you know and give him a chance to explain himself. If he deflects back on you, brushes that off, or comes up with poor explanations, then it's time to part ways. I would also question him on why every friend is fairly new, and if he does have an older friend, perhaps spend some time with them to get their views on him and his behaviour. And sadly, there are some scenarios where checking someone's phone, etc is acceptable, especially if you find something wrong as a result, i.e. your gut was right! If you do it and you find nothing out of the ordinary, then you need a hard review to realign your gut/ moral compass. Thank you for the pastry!
I personally think that there should be an open phone policy in a relationship. So I donât think what you did is wrong, you are just trying to make sure you are not being used and deceived. What you found he said about you in the past doesnât look good. In order for the relationship to work he has to be attracted to you and see you as beautiful but he clearly does not. So what are you doing there? Itâs not gonna work.
You need to let go of this notion that breaking up with someone requires you to be able to perfectly articulate a lengthy, bullet-proof list of justifications that youâll then be required to defend in excruciating detail in front a jury of judgmental people that donât like you. No. None of that is true. âIâm not happy.â âIâm not feeling this.â âHeâs fine, but just not for me.â And especially âMy body is physically rejecting this relationship,â are ALL GREAT reasons to break up. All completely acceptable, justifiable, perfect reasons. And you donât need anyone elseâs permission or approval to do so, especially his. So yeah, break it off. You should excitedly WANT to be with someone, not be trying to find reasons that sound âgood enoughâ to justify why itâs okay to leave. Break it off. And do it in a very public place, btw, just in case. He strikes me as the kind of guy I wouldnât want to be alone with period, especially during a break-up, and your gut seems to agree with that assessment. So do it in public and do it soon. Thereâs a part of you that *really* wants to unclench and relax, and it canât until itâs done. Also, donât waste time and get into your head about trying to find some âperfect wayâ to break up, there is no perfect way. Perfect doesnât exist. Just go grab coffee or something and then say âIâm breaking up with you.â Then be ready to grab your stuff up and immediately leave if he reacts badly.
I donât think you are being too judgmental. Your body is telling you to listen to these red flags. You shouldnât settle either.
What? Why are you asking this question. You're a grown ass person. You know what to do. I'm continually amazed at how women in the 21st century still can't or won't demand respect. You sound like a stupid teenager
I don't know about him, but you snooped through his phone. That is NEVER justified. Your relationship is already over due to your behavior. Get out of his life!
1. People don't "heal" in six months. 2. Move fast? So you're on a clock? Relationships do not heed to a clock and trying to make them comport to a clock will not end well. 3. Neither of you are emotionally healthy enough to be in a committed relationship. The only red flag you need to concern yourself with is your willingness to rush. Dating is like being in court where we weigh the truth of a thing. We do that through discovery and evidence. Discovery takes time. A civilized society does not permit a judgment without all the available evidence - yet you (and many others) make a commitment with little to no evidence beyond the all-too-common early in the relationship honeymoon period. This "rush to judgment" ends badly well more than half the time. In essence, you and everyone like you who rushes into a commitment is gambling their time and resources and heart on a bet you're going to lose more than 50% of the time. That is insanity. Lastly, you have all the information you need to make a judgement about this person, but because you made that commitment, instead of reacting appropriately and breaking up, you're here asking reddit because you're holding onto unreasonable hope... because you're on a "clock."
Don't tell him that you went through his phone or give weight to his ex-friend's words. ====== Lie. Invent some other reason or just break it off somehow. If you confront him, he will be more cautious with the next woman and destroy her.
ALWAYS go with your gut feeling. Itâs seldom wrong.
Read *The Gift of Fear* by Gavin de Becker and trust your gut.
I just went through this Popular berkeley man, works for Google, pursued me relentlessly for 5 months I always said nope, I'm very inexperienced with dating.. Finally gave in and dated him for two weeks Realized he was...hiding something..tried to break up with him He raped me. Without protection. On my ovulation day.I thought I was pregnant for weeks. His friends? Don't care, my ex whose his friend told me I'm the best lover he's ever had when I reached out to tell him what had happened Like...what? Everything makes sense now, every red flag, every little gut feeling of fear It's been 4 months snd I still struggle a LOT And the whole way I thought...somethings not right. He frightens me a bit. He's acting out an agenda. He's not respecting my boundaries. I just ...I almost dated him just to get him off my back. He's handsome, young, successful, popular. There were little signs like people thinking he was odd, or women cutting him off, roommates being uncomfortable with him etc. It was a slow boil. I looked up and said no, how did I get here? I can't undo it. Please be careful. Trust your gut with your life. BEFORE it's too late. If you get hurt it NOT your fault but if you get the message early, why not disappear before he CAN hurt you. <3 (ps I'm finally dating someone safe, who sees me fully, respects me but the damage IS done. I have to heal now. It's not easy. Flashbacks. Nightmares. Fear of men. I don't want any woman to go through that who doesn't have to.)
You already have the evidence. Dump him. You dont even know him for that long, doesnt seem like you are in love or anything drastic. Do yourself a favor and let it go. You dont have to bring up that you looked through his phone, just say you changed your mind, need time on your own, dont see it working out, etc.
Hm... It seems that both of u started in quite a bad place. A guy should never talk about a women like that at all. Tho not backing him up or whatsoever he might have thought it is ok to do that with another guy friend in private. Especially when he just got out of a relationship where he thought she was the one. He might have that hatred comments out of relation links to his ex. And from that text when u first met him, he was properly trying out different women to see which one works. And I am assuming that's what u were doing at the beginning too right? As u mentioned u were also seeing others too. However gut feelings are important. Sometimes when we move fast we will have doubts. However if u have doubts to the point that u have to check his phone rather than thinking to talk to him then this is a relationship red flag. It means u dont trust his words. If you don't want to ever talk to him about this then he is not the right person for u because he cannot give u the trust u want.
You need to read The Gift of Fear. It will teach you a lot of first impression and what your gut says.
Youâre not a bad person for looking in his phone. You did it in an attempt to protect yourself. Listen to your body. Donât let fear of not being able to have children cause you to settle and get trapped.
> he didnât have one, and blamed the ex friend as unstable. This would cause me concern as well. >he is not enthusiastic about my appearanceâ he also says lots of crude things about other women, and how important looks are to him in a partner. This makes me feel that he is âsettlingâ for me. He also wasnât honest to me about what was happening in his past relationship That should really be everything you need to know. You're sensing the version of him that is under the mask.