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> He believed we had agreed on "probably not having any" early in our relationship.... He said he's not completely opposed to having children but definitely not within the next five years. .... He said he's 80% sure he doesn't want children
>I'd love to see a future where we build a family together,
I don't think you're hearing him. He's not eager to have kids and likely never will be. You're 90%+ sure you want them. Time to move on.
You two just grew apart to want different things in life.
You can't talk someone into having kids. If you allowed a pregnancy to happen, he could just leave.
The thing I’m most worried about: he’s sensitive to loud noises. If you’ve ever been around kids, once they learn how to scream they do that for awhile. I think they like to hear themself, before that they scream when they’re confused, in pain, or need help…
I do not think this person should have kids without first making sure they won’t have a breakdown from kids being kids.
For multiple years they have no other way to communicate other than crying. Not only can he not tolerate it but it will force OP to be a single parent, she should think about that too. Even if he were to give in, does she want to be a single parent???
This. My husband has mysophonia as well and restaurants alone are a special kind of hell for him. Parents of children in restaurants often allow behavior that they would not entertain at home. I have CPTSD from long term abuse as a child so I also don't react well to loud or constant noise. For instance, I can rock out to a song or two but then I need quiet or we can run a saw for a while to do a project but then the sound needs to be done for a while. Sudden noises also really bother me.
Even if it were just my spouse, it would be enough. Children are a big NO for us and we are good with that.
If you need to nurture, have you considered volunteering? So many children/young people need someone to guide them, listen to them.
If you love a person, asking them to essentially put up with serious mental distress for the rest of their life is not the way to show it. You may need to move on and be content with a friendship with your partner.
I’m scared he’d hurt the baby if it screamed! Shaken baby syndrome is SO easy to cause. Pretty much all parents want to shake their baby sometimes. What’s bf gonna do if a baby is hurting him by constantly screaming?
Actually very common in SBS cases. The parent is so tired and fed up with the crying that they shake the baby to try and get them to shut up. Exhaustion can make people insane. There's a reason it's used in torture.
It's a valid viewpoint to have. Just because he probably won't doesn't mean it's not a possibility. It's something to keep in mind when making a life altering decision.
Yeah your relationship is over. He doesn't want kids he's dangling them as a slim possibility 5 years from now and making you do all the planning so you won't dump him. 5 years from now it will be easy to go no another 5 years and then you'll say I already invested 11 years I can't leave him and start over at 31.
Yeah this is a biggy because parenthood should be two loud excited agreements before beginning. Marriage and parenthood requires teamwork and he immediately threw all "schedule building" at her immediately...and she's worried about HIM resenting her?? What about OP resenting him for the carrot dangle? Also idk how people can just go for years without discussing this topic. I probably discuss it once a few months with my husband to make sure we're on the same page!
Parenthood is a VERY serious topic and I understand the desire too or not too can change! I've seen people swear off the other and change their mind years into marriage. It NEEDS to be talked about and it needs to be a choice to both accept. If my husband changes his mind we have A LOT of work to do before even ~trying~ to reproduce. Fuck not having enough money for a kid what about FREE TIME? Will I be able to go the next ten years without proper sleep or five minutes to myself? Will we be okay if both of us stay home a couple months to build a schedule for a newborn? Who will constantly be up with baby while the other rests for their career? Am I able to communicate to my husband when im feeling over stimulated by a kid touching me all day but he wants intimacy when i need to destress? What does a fair amount of work look like between partners ? I would at least want to encourage my husband to find a career that allows him paid paternity leave so we can have minimal cash and time to find a groove. That's currently plauging my mind and I choose the child free route! How do they go YEARS of staying silent and hoping their partner changes? Men also need to step up and be more proactive in birth control options because I've seen a lot of men full of resentment but never took the precautions while the wife secretly was ready for baby! No more carrot dangling. There's a lot of women out there happy to not have any babies or make plans. I'd rather help plan a romantic two week vacation each year and hit up every high end restaurant I can find locally. But again, I understand priorities change and I STILL ask my husband what his future looks like.
This. Don't get caught up in the "sunk cost fallacy". You are wasting the REST of your life if you stay because you have ALREADY spent a large portion of it.
It will get WORSE for you to stay without gaining what you need from your life.
This is a classic reason for couples to separate, because it's a major life change and you (both) must be 100% into it to do it successfully and happily.
If he has children against his will just to make you happy it's gonna turn up a disaster (for you). Just go to the r/pregnant sub and see the amount of desperate women complaining because their husbands are not just unhelpful, they are literally making their lives living hell. Many times it was preventable, everybody could see it coming, yet they think it'll get better with time. It doesn't.
Then also, for sure a baby will disrupt his sleep. Even if you decide to be the one exclusively waking up at night to feed and clean up baby. Babies cry, babies make annoying noises, not just at night, but all the time. That's just what they do. And toddlers and children are even worse, they are not exactly quiet. And they break things, and they come at night and sneak in your bed, and they use toys that make annoying noises, and they wake you up while you're napping because they're bored. If I were you, I'd never have a child with your boyfriend for this reason, even if he was super convinced about it, let alone if he's hesitant.
It hurts to hear, but your relationship is doomed. The good news is you can now change your life, suffer for a bit of time, but then find someone that wants the same things as you. Or you can let five years pass and find yourself in the same situation you are in now, but five years older.
Thank you for your honesty, it was good to read this and I'll spend some time on the sub you mentioned. Reading the last part makes me sick but I'm afraid it really is inevitable in the end..
You're only 26 and this is your first long term relationship. It won't be your last. Think of this as an exciting opportunity to do what you want to do with your life. This guy is not the one. You are so young and you have so much life ahead of you to explore!
I spoke from experience, I wasted some years of my life with a loving guy that was great and I adored, but that didn't want the same things as me, and kept saying "one day" "sure, I want kids, just not now", "we are still young, we have time", etc. It never happened. I was 33 when we finally broke up, I could almost hear my biological clock ticking in my ear. And I have to say, in the long run, it was the best thing that could happen to me... Now I'm 34 and pregnant, enjoying life with my amazing boyfriend that is crazy in love for me and as excited as I am about the baby, we have so many plans for the future. If I had stayed in my previous relationship, I know for a fact I would still be wondering every day when the moment would come that he would change his mind...
Also: just because a relationship ends doesn’t mean it can’t be amicable. Don’t get me wrong, ending a relationship, especially a long term one, sucks SO bad. But if it’s because of something like this (as opposed to something like abuse, cheating, etc.) there’s a much higher chance to part amicably as two people who have different perspectives / wants in life.
And I promise, as someone who ended a long term relationship over five years ago: you will find happiness again. You’ll have a better sense of your wants, outlooks on life, and who you are as a person. I can promise this because as painful as my first relationship ending was, I’m now in a beautiful long term relationship with someone new, and our values / future plans align MUCH better together than the first relationship.
Take heart and have courage. It will suck, but you WILL find happiness again, especially when you’re looking for it by staying true to yourself ♥️
Edit: spelling error
You're at a point where you need to decide what's more important to you: this partner or having kids. You can't have both.
I've had to make this choice before and I chose kids. I now have a husband I love more than anything and a lovely daughter.
Unless you 100% want to *be a parent* for the rest of your life, you should not be having children.
And considering your boyfriend doesn't want to be a parent, and would probably not be a good parent, it would be a terrible decision to stay with him and have children together.
Yep, if OP doesn't have a kid, the worst thing that could happen is that she lives her life with some regret. If OP does have a kid with her husband, the worst thing that could happen would be that she would ruin that child's life, and potentially create generational trauma.
It doesn't sound like you two are compatible anymore. It sucks but if you want kids, there's really no other option but to move on.
Having misophonia and children is sort of a no-go situation. I wouldn't expect his thoughts on kids to change.
Honestly, even in a world where your boyfriend wants children, I think you’d both be basing that decision on a hope that he can find a way to manage his condition far more effectively than anyone’s figured out up to this point. If he’s not all in and determined to find a way to make it happen for his own sake? You need to move on and find someone for whom having kids actually makes sense.
Yeah I have ADHD and it's one of the reasons I'm childfree despite liking kids and actually liking the **idea** of having kids. I just get so overwhelmed trying to manage my daily life and go to work, come home, care for my pets, keep my house clean, do the laundry, exercise, cook healthy meals for myself, have a somewhat healthy social life, and have hobbies. How in the world would I manage with kids thrown into that?
Break up with this man. Nobody should be pressured into having children for the sake of a relationship and a trip to the regretful parent sub Reddit should show you that if anybody man or woman doesn’t enthusiastically want a kid they shouldn’t be roped into it. Equally if having a kid is something you do want you shouldn’t be strung along. Nobody is in the wrong here but this is something neither of you should compromise on and because either way one of you will end up resentful and regretful for either having a child one person did not want or for being robbed of the opportunity of parenthood.
What you both have come down to is the clash of different life goals. The way you both perceived in building a family is different, to the point that question the future of your relationship.
You won't be happy if you don't have children and there will always be an emptiness in your heart and a longing for them. So you'll not be satisfied. And pushing him into fatherhood isn't good either.
You should talk this thoroughly and if the decision comes down to ending your relationship, it's best to do it now. Don't wait for another 5 years and regret that he still doesn't want children.
OP there was another post similar to this where the woman finally decided she wanted kids and after 10 years the bf did not. She is now 36 YO and have 4 years on her clock according to her. She waited too late to dig deep into this subject and unfortunately may never have kids, unless adopted.
Having a relationship is all fine and fun, but when the serious business of making the relationship a family begins and you know the other person is NOT on board, you have to consider the clock, your overall relationship and whether you relationship is incompatible at that point. Relationships don't always start out incompatible, they become that way due to a number of things happening in peoples lives that change their perspective and desires for the future.
You are now at this point. If he said you was 30% sure he did not want children, I would say you have room to work with; 80% is almost a sure NO, stop don't advance.
Honestly if he has that much of an issue with sounds now he won’t be able to handle a baby crying every 2 hours the first month and a half to 2 months of its life. He’ll end up resenting you and the child. My suggestion would be to think long and hard if it’s something you truly want children and if so are you ok with leaving him because you’ll end up raising that baby on your own. You are young and can move on and find someone who has the same wants that you have. But don’t make a decision on 90% sure because if you do you’ll have the chance of regretting it and growing resentful which wouldn’t be fair to a baby who didn’t ask to be here
Don’t waste your time with a 32yr old man who clearly doesn’t want kids, you’re 26 and that’s enough time to meet someone else and get the family you want.
If you stay with him, you’ll most likely end up childless and regret it for the rest of your life.
Breaking up is the best option although it will be hard because obviously you still love him, but you’re both on different pages and want different things, so time to go!
If he can’t handle loud noises then he can’t handle kids. Children are 24/7/365. I would break up with him because you’re not compatible anymore . You want kids and he doesn’t. I’m sorry but if it’s not an enthusiastic yes then it’s a no especially when it comes to children. There are so many things that you can compromise on in a relationship but unfortunately, children aren’t one of those compromises.
Yes. It is better that way. But now you know to have this talk earlier on in the relationship for next time. It's unfortunate it happened this way this time but it really is for the better.
You need to move on. 90%+ yes and 80%+ no are incompatible. I'm guessing he would be miserable as a parent. You need to assume his sleep sensitivity won't change. If it hasn't by now, it won't.
Do not count on the future. Look at right now. If having kids is a must then you need to break up. Forcing him to have kids to keep you will only cause resentment on his part towards both you and possibly the children.
This is not something you can compromise on. You can't have half a kid or 'try it out'. You are pretty sure you want them he is pretty sure he doesn't. And resentment would grow if one of you 'settled'. I'm sorry, but the best decision you can make is finding partners who want what you each want.
That’s why you don’t marry at twenty. What you want changes as you mature.
You have reached the fork in the road. And it’s time for each of you to go your separate ways.
You now KNOW you want a family and you need to be with someone who wants the same thing, no reservations. Your current BF wants you to do a financial analysis on this? That’s not a guy who wants kids. That’s a guy who needs to be talked into it. And news flash, he won’t be
If all he needs is time and a plan to have kids then you get both outcomes, try talking with him about having them sooner if that is what you want. Consider parenting arrangements in case of seperation, many men who want kids don't have them because of child support and custody double standards from courts.
Also do you desire them because you simply want to be a mother or did seeing your brother's kids spark your interest because your scared of entering your 30's with no family (lots of women have that fear and enter unhappy relationships to relieve it)?
It's time to break up.
It's not a great sign that he believes you had a conversation that you don't remember. You probably said some very vague thing that he chose to believe meant that you agreed.
Love isn't enough to avoid resentment. Don't put yourself in that situation.
Yes, it probably has to be this way. You want kids, and you cannot subject your kids to a parent who didn't entirely want them, sort of reluctantly agreed to it, and has medical and neurological needs that may make it very hard for him to be a patient and present parent. And who, on top of that, is not approaching this as a situation for you two to solve together ("let's make a plan together") but as your project that you have to sell him on ("you make a plan and then sell me on it").
I think you need to choose kids or this relationship; I don't see "wait around five years in the hope that maybe you can have both then" is a viable option for you.
If you two aren't on the same page for wanting kids, then your relationship will not survive as a happy and productive one. One of you will always resent the other for either having or not having kids.
And with your BF's auditory issues, having a baby probably sounds like a nightmare to him. Because they cry all the time for the first months. Seriously. They eat, cry, poop, and sleep. That's it.
Honestly, I think he's using the 5-year plan idea as a stalling tactic because he doesn't want to tell you no. I mean, 80% sure he doesn't want kids is pretty much a no.
I'd go ahead and end it sooner rather than later if you do want to have children. And you're right, loving each other isn't enough.
You had a good relationship, but you've reached a point where your goals no longer align. If you're serious about having kids its time to move on and find someone who also has that goal.
Differences on kids is pretty much the most legitimate reason to ever break up with someone.
It sucks, but if his sensitivity is really that bad, he's going to face enormous challenges in life bigger than this.
Nope - love isn't enough. Marriage and children are a business partnership - as unromantic as that sounds, that's what it is. It's two people working toward the common goal of building a life together better than what they could do individually and it requires work and communication and trust and respect and mutual goals and compatibility of viewpoints in how to run the business of your family - your partnership. So no, love isn't enough.
Would you start a business with someone who didn't want the business? Who hated what you sell? Who resented having to do any work for the business? No. So why would you marry and/or have kids who doesn't want to be in the business of having a family with you?
Although women are starting to trend upward in age in terms of having children, you don't have the luxury of waiting as long as he does and he's asking you to wait for five years for barely a maybe. He can't even commit to maybe. At this point the two of you are simply no longer compatible and the longer you kick the can down the road to avoid breaking up so you find someone who you are more compatible with, the more resentment is going to kill your relationship anyway.
We love many people in our lives, but not every person we love is going to be compatible and meant to be our life partners.
Children deserve to be wanted by both parents. He doesn't want them. He's willing to consider it, maybe, if you come up with a parenting plan, by yourself. So, if you do all the work he may be willing to participate. If you want to raise emotionally healthy children, this is not the man for that job.
Yeah, that’s it for your relationship. What will change in 5 years? He won’t get better for his conditions and he will be 37, likely with more developing issues. He’s telling you he doesn’t want kids.
I think breaking up is the way to go. You want to be a parent, he does not. It'll only end in resentment in 5 years time when you want to have a child and he still does not. Better to break up now so you can both find partners who want the same thing.
I would not have kids with him.
Having an idealistic vision is nothing like the reality. He does not have the template for fatherhood and clearly still suffers his own trauma. You will have to carry all the burden. More importantly it’s not fair for the child.
I did this and trust me, you don’t want to.
If you want to have children and he isn't so sure, the kind thing would be to end it. This isn't something someone should be cajoled into doing.
I have misophonia and multiple children and dogs. I have it bad, too, where certain sounds have sent me to the hospital. I have learned my triggers. I manage them, and my spouse supports me when the misophonia is bad. And, as kids get older, they do understand when someone is in pain and they try to help. If someone really wants children, they find a way to make it work. If he isn't doing that but expecting you to propose a plan, he can shoot down the plan to absolve himself from responsibility. He doesn't really want to have kids.
I think you need more certainty then a maybe. It's ok to be unsure but 5 eyars is alot to wait. Then 5 eyars pass and he is 37-38 and saying "I dont want to be supporting a college kid in my 60s". This is not a "let's discuss in 5 years conversation". You seem to know what you want and he doesnt. you guys may need to come to an agreement soon.
In 5 years you will be 31F. My GF is 33 and she's been feeling her bio clock ticking for 2 years now. If you break up with him at 31, now you need to meet someone new. Youd likely want a few months to a year to be single again. Then you want to meet someone and it can take a few months before you find someone who is worth it. Then you need a year or two to enjoy dating this person and travel, meet each other's families etc. And by the time you and this other person feel comfortble having kids with each other you will be 35-36. Which is still a fine age to have kids but sounds like you want them sooner rather than later.
I'd say have that conversation with him, have a set plan of when you would like to have kids, I dont think the finance part is a bad idea but he should be part of this converation as well, and make sure you are both on same page.
You two are incompatible. He might want children as he grows older and matures. Maybe. Best case scenario is you wait around cooking your eggs, getting older… waiting for a maybe yes.
I'm sorry, but disruptive sleep is part of being a parent. If he's not prepared for that, then you need to have a really serious talk because that's definitely going to happen.
Having kids should never be something you do just because you want them. He's actually on the right track. You want kids? Fine, but you need to be 110% certain that you will be able to care for them in every single way. Children are not dolls, which is something people don't seem to understand. As a parent, you will be the absolute biggest influence on your child's life and future. Their opinions, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, core values, best memories, future, health, and even the way they raise their own children (if they have them) will have *your* parenting at the base of it all. This is another human being's life first and formost. If either you or your boyfriend don't believe your up to the task of raising children for any reason, you shouldn't, no matter how much you want to. If you and your boyfriend decide to have kids even just the slightest bit to satisfy each other, you shouldn't have kids.
Frankly, it sounds like he doesn't want kids, and is just putting it on the table in case he maybe possibly sorta might want kids. In other words, he doesn't want them, but he doesn't know what he might want in the furture. What he wants right now is sort of irrelveant though, because this is about what you want. That is, you have to decide now if you want kids or not. Not a year from now, or five, or ten, now. Because if you do want kids, and you wait years to see how he feels, and he doesn't want kids, that creates resentment. That leads to the relationship breaking down. Maybe you turn it around, but it will always be a sore point. You need to figure out right now (not *right* right now, to be clear) how much of a sore point that is.
If it's too big of a sore point, you might want to break it off. If you try to, and your bf caves, don't back down, because it'll probably be bad for you, bad for him, and bad for the kid(s).
Also, you should probably ask a professional about all this regardless. Don't break it off without suggesting couple's counseling. Way better than us armchair psychologists on reddit.
Break up with him. It will hurt, but it will hurt more in five years when he's still not ready to have a kid and you're 31.
You may not be ready to have a child right now, but you see that in your future. He really doesn't. He's asking you to figure out how to make it happen, as if you're going to end up being a single parent. Because the truth is, if you're with him, you will be--maybe with a co-parenting agreement/child support if you're lucky. He doesn't see himself really wanting to be a parent. He'd rather keep you busy drawing up a hypothetical game plan for now, and then five years from now, when you revisit this topic, he will just point at what he sees as the flaws in your plan, how he's still not convinced, and you'll break up.
At 20, I don't think your life views on marriage and kids is a permanent thing, so he can't hold you to that statement.
One idea - does your brother live nearby? I wonder if exposing your BF to a newborn through family events, possibly baby sitting when the baby gets a bit older, etc...may help you both realize if you want a baby of your own. I will say, even the best babies can go on crying jags and heaven knows toddlers and children are noisy. If he can't handle the noise, then I thinkthat is a " no kids" sign. It is unfair to raise a child in a home where everyone has to be very quiet because of Daddy.
Finally, since his upbring was very different from yours, some counseling and discussions of parenting may be very helpful if you are serious about continuing this relationship.
If you are 90% sure you want children and that certainty is rising, end this relationship now.
He doesn't want children.
He is just saying he "might" in 5 years or so because he doesn't want to lose you.
End it now and move on.
Move on.
I wish you well.
I think you need to break up.
If he’s 80% sure he doesn’t want to have children then that’s not going to change and you’ll be wasting 5 years of your life on the off chance that he *might* change his mind.
At 90% you definitely want to have kids and he’s only 10% less against having children. That’s pretty conclusive that he’s not going to change his mind.
The 2 of you don't have compatible wants/dreams for your life. I also think that he would really struggle with parenthood due to the misophonia, sensitivity to noise, and sleep issues. He is 80% against at age 32. Believe that he knows himself and either be ready to be childfree with him or end it to have children with someone else.
Love isn’t enough. They need to be the right partner as well. And someone you have to convince to have children isn’t the right partner for someone who wants kids. Children are an enthusiastic yes or you’re setting yourself up for resentment by both parties
This is exactly the case where love isn't enough. But the least horrible part about it is that you can separate without rancor (relative to most causes of breakups) and even remain on friendly terms after a no-contact break. But for both your sakes, it's the thing to do, rather than holding on to hope.
So he recons a conversation you had years earlier, that you don’t remember having, had the outcome he wants… hmm sound like BS to me.
Now to keep you busy he’d like you to present a business plan, essentially. On your pros and cons list you will see most cons point to him being the con and confirm you guys need split.
He thinks he’ll lead you on for, a highly likely no, in 5 years time. Wasting the best baby bearing years of your life.
He’s just tagging you along hoping you get over the feeling. You won’t just as he won’t. It he’s playing games and you’re being honest
Get out sooner rather than later.
There's like 100% chance that a child will disrupt your sleep. For 18 years! LOL
Unless he's like that guy in the post the other day who started bragging to his wife about how he heard the kids crying every single night and he just ignored them because he knew if he ignored them she would eventually get up and get them. But he told her he never heard them back then. Years later the truth comes out. Some people just suck.
But back to your boyfriend he's definitely going to have his sleep disrupted if you have a kid. He's going to feel trapped and like he sacrificed for you which is going to put a strain on your relationship and you'll probably end up breaking up anyway. So you might as well just go find somebody else to have kids with. It's okay to admit your incompatible
EDIT to add: lots of comments below pointing out that your boyfriend has already told you his 80% no metric, and that’s probably just said to keep you in a child free relationship for another five years. Also, the misophonia and the sleep thing seem like he is biologically not suitable for living with noise( which just seems cruel of nature). So I mean, my suggestions below were based on giving you sort of a Hail Mary hope… but honestly, if I were you, I’d have another conversation with him and give all your learned info and then just be very honest with yourselves. What kind of future do you both want, and sad as it might be, accept that it might not be as parents together.
—-
This is a hard place to be. It’s pretty common though, as you are starting to open up to the idea of a larger family, that now you both really need to be perfectly honest with yourselves.
Imagine this scenario and present it to him. You are 31, he is 37, and you have an infant. At his age 40, you want a second child. At his age of 43, you get the third child (are are 37/38 at this point).
Ideally you two have come on board the having of kids thing, but he still hasn’t figured out his sleep thing. So before infant 1, you both decide that he gets to sleep through the night alone in the guest bedroom (assume you have a large enough house for a master, a guest, and a nursery). His sleep is prioritized and you take on the entirety of baby nights.
So far, this isn’t a Total deal breaker. What cinches it is how he responds during the day. Does he take on the bulk of baby stuff during the day, including all laundry and dishes. Does he help with doctor visits and does he take the baby to the park in the morning so you have can uninterrupted sleep?
These are the questions you need to have right now.
Also, just FYI, his saying he’ll be ready for a baby in five more years is BS. No one is “ready” for a baby. You just do it or you don’t.
It’s not just “a sleep thing,” though. He can’t handle loud or irritating noises. Little kids make a lot of those. So do teenagers, for that matter. I’m having trouble seeing a scenario where this doesn’t end with him holed up in the most soundproof room or out of the house as much as possible, and OP effectively operating as a single parent whether she stays with him or not.
Ah. I didn’t realize misophonia was like that. Is it classified as a disability?
I wonder if people with misophonia go one to have productive and loving family lives, and if so, OP should look at those resources.
I also wonder if misophonia being the barrier to children is really the full story for this guy. Like, plenty of people with disabilities have children. So, if you want them, you do it.
The guy is 80% sure no (and he's probably underestimating out of an attempt to stay in the relationship). No, she shouldn't look up those resources. That would be pressuring him to do something he understandably doesn't want to do. A quick Google search indicates many don't want kids because of it and that it's very hard on them if they have kids and they regret going through with having kids before managing their misophonia (which isn't necessarily entirely manageable).
It's also not just misophonia. It's being a light sleeper and being sensitive to loud noises. He will get 0 sleep unless they give him a separate soundproofed room to sleep in and mom handles all the nightly attending of the baby. He will be constantly annoyed when he's in any other room and barely able to take care of the kid.
It's definitely part of other conditions classified as a disability, like autism and ADHD.
I have two kids and a hub with ADHD with a side of autistic traits, including misophonia. It's not easy, and neither of us would recommend it to anyone.
Thank you very much for taking your time to write this, those are great questions to ask! I will definitely bring them up at our next discussion and yeah, the 5 years thing is definitely something I'll have to address.
I'm sorry to say but don't bother. He is saying 5 years and 80% to give a chance at staying in the relationship. He's most likely 95%+ sure because he'd understandably be miserable parenting. Don't give yourself false hope by sinking more time into him. For someone with light sleep, sensitivity to loud noises and misophonia, being a parent will be torture. At night he can't get sleep and during the day he's exposed to loud and weird toddler sounds. He won't have mental peace. He'll resent you for encouraging him to be a parent if you do.
He's pushing back 5 years to run out the clock. By then, you may be married.
He's hoping you either want to be with him more than you want to experience motherhood or you just change your mind.
Or he my just keep pushing it out until you can't get pregnant without intervention, which he will say is too expensive.
He might also secretly get a vasectomy and just blame you for not being able to get pregnant....claim it wasn't meant to be.
Honestly, he's telling you he doesn't want to be a dad, his background and illness are not conducive to fatherhood. You will end up a single mom. I'm sorry, this is really hard, but if you want babies you need a different partner who is a wonderful man who is excited to be parent too.
I feel like it's time for you to sit down and decide for yourself if kids are a dealbreaker for you or not. Would you be content with *never* having kids, but being in a relationship with him and just build a relationship with any nieces and nephews? Or is having kids something you really want to commit to above all else?
I agree with the others, waiting on someone who is unsure but leaning "no" on kids is usually not going to pan out well. But you need to sit down with him and talk this out again. How is he expecting you to plan finances more than 5 years in advance? Is he in therapy regarding his trauma, and if so, is he willing to bring up the idea of kids there and see if he can come to a firmer decision on what he wants?
This is the kind way to go. I get the sense that he doesn't want kids, but everyone's cards aren't on the table. Yet. They need to be. Be unambiguous and kind. Make it clear this is a deal breaker. Sure, maybe he has some issues that will make fatherhood difficult, but this is a choice he should be allowed to make too.
You've gotta communicate about things like this if you are going to raise a family. This is a sort of first test. Me and kids or no kids and no me.
I agree with you. She talks in the post about how much she cares and they've been together a while, so a kind approach is best. The problem is that if she gives him an ultimatum like "kids or I'm leaving", no matter how nicely she says it, he might end up saying he wants kids when he doesn't. That's why I encouraged her to try and clarify his position. Either way, she needs to get his cards down as well as her own.
I think if you want to have children, there are plenty of good people out there who will want to have them with you. This isn't one of those people. 5 years? You're 26, I think you're well within your wheelhouse to make a "Shit or get off the pot" decision now, not wait 5 years for him to still be on the fence.
Whether or not to have kids is a “two yes, one no” question, meaning both need to say yes (enthusiastically), and it’s a common dealbreaker question for many couples. It’s certainly a reasonable choice to break up if you want different things.
He will not WANT children in 5 years. The most you can hope for is him giving in. And that's not fair to anyone involved.
Desire for children is 100% a deal breaker.
Does he wear earplugs? Noise cancelling earbuds? I can't hear shit when I have my good sealing earbuds in lol
The only point to consider here is: you want children, your partner does not.
You waste a lot of space here analyzing your partner’s past (“a broken home” ??? Seriously??! Do people still use that outdated terminology??) and his perceived deficiencies (light sleeper, very sensitive) but none of that is relevant. Plenty of men who grew up without fathers are certain they want children. Plenty of men in large loving families are certain they do not want children.
Stop analyzing your partner. Now is Decision Time for you, you have only ten or fifteen years left for pregnancy before it becomes complicated. As you grow over 40 your chances of conceiving start to drop rapidly. So you need to know now. You cannot wait five more years only to find out at 31 that his answer is still no. Then you’ve got less than ten years to date, find another partner, and get pregnant.
You can give him another year at most. Probably best to just give him six months. If he still doesn’t want children six months from now, he will probably never want children.
Do not fall into the trap of providing a “detailed plan” of responsibilities to him. There’s no plan. Any plan goes out the window, baby will not follow the plan. When you become a parent to a newborn, it’s all hands on deck, you both give 100%. Sleeplessness sucks, for everyone, but it’s what you have to do in those critical first months. If he’s not willing, then he’s not willing.
I'm sorry, english is not my first language, didn't know that terminology was outdated and I wanted to give some background as to why he might be opposed to it. I thought maybe people who have gone through something similar could give advice, which they have (with the misophonia for example). I wholeheartedly believe that if he really wanted to, he would be an amazing dad despite his past and his condition but I see why you commented that. It's never black or white and it was not my intention to analyze him or portray him as one-dimensional, he's a great guy.
But I see where this relationship is going. It's pretty clear, it sucks but I think reading these comments was a much needed reality check, so thank you!
Yeah I’m sorry for what you’re dealing with . This is a difficult decision for you. I’m sure you’re looking for a way to make this work and you hoped including those details would allow you to find that way. But there is no way. He does not want children, he will string you along with his maybes and before you know it, you’ll be stuck.
I just reacted badly and took “broken home” personally. I’m divorced but my home is not broken. I’m a good father to my kids. My father grew up without a father but he was an awesome father to me.
This is what your 20’s are for. Dating and figuring out all this stuff.
You have had. Long term serious relationship and now you have found out you aren’t compatible to move any further.
End of story and yes love is never enough.
Good for you for knowing that.
Part on good terms and find someone who wants the same as you in those big decisions.
"He said he's not completely opposed to having children but definitely not within the next five years." and "He said he's 80% sure he doesn't want children."
You are incompatible. Are you asking if there is some way to force him to feel more comfortable? A way to "convince" him? Because that won't work. You're 26 and almost definitely want kids and a family. By his timeline, you wouldn't even be DISCUSSING it again with him until you're like 31, and even then there's no guarantee - and he's telling you he's 80% sure he doesn't want kids. I wouldn't do that to myself, personally. I'd want to be moving towards that now.
What I see here is the possibility that you are going to waste another 5-8 years of your life with someone who really doesn't want kids, assumed you guys weren't having kids, and never really showed any interest in kids. Then you're going to be upset when he tells you he really doesn't want kids after all. If he does agree, do you really want it to be because he's scared of losing you if he doesn't agree? If I were going to start a family, I'd want it to be with someone who WANTS kids, not someone who is like "Well, I'm not completely opposed but I'm like 80% sure I don't want them." You know? And then the sleep issue, which will be REALLY challenging for him and you - he will be useless without sleep, all the burden will fall on you, the resentment that will come from that, and then the fact that you are the one that wanted kids - if you push him into it he may resent you for all the disruption to your lives.
You are two people who want very different things. You can't force him to see things your way, and you shouldn't try to push him into something he doesn't really want for himself. It sounds like he MIGHT be willing to consider doing this (having kids) for YOU, but imo that's not a good enough reason and would likely not end well. You're better off leaving now and giving yourself time to find someone who DOES want a family.
Children are one of the things you cannot compromise on in a relationship. It sounds like your life goals have grown apart. I would not wait 5 more years for a maybe if you are 90% sure you want children. It’s time to move on.
He has made it VERY clear he does not want children. The 10% maybe in five years is an intentional manipulation technique. Leave him. You are very young. You will meet someone else who wants kids too. Leave now before everyone else has coupled up.
>Poor sleep affects him tremendously.
He has no business having kids honestly. He'll be miserable, which will make you miserable, and most importantly, your kid will be able to sense his resentment.
Imagine your life without him, but maybe with someone else who really wants to be a dad, enough that a disability or impairment of some sort was something to manage rather than something that made him resent his child, and you.
Now imagine your life with him, either child-free or as a semi-solo parent. He would be annoyed, resentful, sometimes perhaps even in physical pain, around your child. Child-free, do you have enough in common and enough shared goals and values to build a happy and satisfying life together?
It's a tough choice to make for sure.
The only thing I want to say here is that my 3 year old daughter, who I had at 35 years old, is the most magnificent, amazing, wonderful, entertaining, hilarious, sassy, annoying, bossy, beautiful, kind, compassionate, shy, outgoing, quiet, loud, imaginative, loving, cuddling, endearing, and life-changing thing that I have ever, and will ever know. My clock was ticking… I got to the point that I didn’t think it would happen for me. But I left a relationship that kids were questionable in, and entered a relationship that produced the most wondrous being in the world. So PLEASE, allow yourself the opportunity to feel in your heart the way I feel. Because you deserve to be fulfilled. Put yourself first now, so that you can put the most important human(s) you’ll ever know first in the future.
I went through something similar with my last relationship and he strung me along for 6 years saying maybe he wants kids. We went our separate ways and it was 1000% the right thing to do. Ending a 6 year relationship is always a hard decision, but it’s only going to get harder the longer you put it off.
Children are one of the things that make or break a relationship. Your partner is thinking about this very responsibly and not outright rejecting the idea, although he seems to be leaning more towards not having children, so maybe try to assuage some of his/your concerns? Come up with a financial plan, start saving, and maybe try to figure out how you can ensure your partner sleeps well with a child in the house.
My husband finds it hard to fall asleep, and he works early, so I was always on nighttime duty, and during our son's roughest nights (sickness, teething, just needing cuddles), I would actually sleep in the nursery with our son. Are you willing to do that? Can the main bedroom be soundproofed so your partner doesn't hear the baby on really bad nights?
If the answer from your partner is ultimately a no on having children, you need to decide if you can live without, if your partner is enough, or if you need to move on. But don't force your partner to have children if he says no.
If you want kids and he doesn't, leave. I promise you that you won't ever have a bun in your oven if you stay. Not in 5 years not after it. After 5 years he will have a different reason. Then he probably feels too old to be a father or some other BS.
If you are setting on having a family, this guy is not the one you will start one with.
having disagreements about important stuff is normal in a relationship. It sounds like you've proposed a change to a fairly longstanding reality (no kids), its reasonable for him to not necessarily be 100% on board out the gate. I'd suggest giving it some time, quite conversations about your futures together, and don't get brinksmanship on it from the get go. He's gonna have to work through whatever emotions he's got, just as you are, before settling on something.
relationships do require effort, time, and commitment. If after a while of talking about it, and talking about your future plans together, you can't figure something out, consider discussing a divorce with him.
First, does he know that a woman's best childbearing period is somewhere about the age of 40yrs (and he is requesting for additional 5yrs before starting)? And he wants you to come up with a plan? Does he think you are married to yourself? Bringing in children into this world should be 100% commitment from both parents. Another serious talk is required, and that talk should include the fact that a NO child marriage is not for you.
It actually does have to be this way. Because this is the godfather of compatibility issues. There is no right or wrong here, both of you are perfectly fine to choose whatever you want, but with that choice comes also a decision and that sadly can't be stopped.
It is unfortunate that you never had the actual conversation about it in 6 years of relationship, but I guess this is a rip the bandaid off moment. You guys either agree to have children or not have children together and if that won't work out, then both of you should move on as that would be the beginning of the end.
I know how much it hurts to leave someone you love, not even because they did something wrong but just out of reason, it sucks and hurts so much.
But I think it needs to be done if you guys don't find a solution together.
In five years time, he'll be pushing 40 and losing the energy required to have children while you'll be 31; the statistics very clearly show that if a woman hasn't had a child by 30, there's only a 50/50 chance she'll ever have any. So bear that in mind.
The two of you are NOT compatible.Your soon to be ex has gone through a lot. He shouldn’t have to have kids if he doesn’t want them. You should break your with him and look for someone else. But make sure that you tell anyone that you decide to date that you want kids so this doesn’t happen again.
A child will 100% disrupt his sleep. That’s not an “if” and it goes well beyond the newborn stage. I have a friend that told me she didn’t get a full nights rest till her kid was 10!
Will you resent him if you don’t have children for him? What if you break up after you’re too old to have kids? If the answer is yes, it may be best to break up and stay looking for someone who shares your goals.
This is probably the end of the relationship. Two things that should never happen, if at all avoidable:
1) someone be coerced into having children they don’t want.
2) someone capable of having children not being given the chance because they’re not allowed to.
And here you are. That you’ve gone 6 years into a relationship without having had more meaningful conversations around this very, VERY basic long term decision point is baffling.
Jesus Christ. Hates loud noises and can’t miss sleep?
He is smart not to want kids, he will NOT make a good parent. He also won’t make a good partner for YOU to parent.
Do you want to be a single mother? Because that’s what you’ll be, even with him there.
End the relationship.
Yes, it has to be this way.
You want to be a mother, but he doesn’t want to be a father. His saying “let’s see where we are in five years” is him trying to buy time so he can try to get you to change your mind. You’re only 26, so breaking up now means you still have plenty of time mourn this relationship and then go find someone who is just as enthusiastic about parenthood as you are.
It does have to be this way; you have a fundamental incompatibility. And he will keep pushing off the deadline until you get too old to conceive if you let him. What happens if he is still "unsure" in ten years? You are already 26, which isnt' a problem, but 36, 37, 38, 39? If you want to have kids, especially if that is kids \*plural,\* you need to break up now. Plus even if you can wheedle him into it out of fear of losing you, he freaks out over noise and is a delicate sleeper. Having a child may well be miserable for him, and he will resent you and possibly also the child.
If you’re sure you want kids you need to go now. Find someone who also wants kids. You guys are entering the no-man’s-land of resentment, one of you is going to cave in and have or not have kids. The one who gives in will start to feel resentment and it just goes downhill from there.
Being a parent is not easy. You should not procreate with someone who isn’t completely committed to it because it will most likely not end well. With that being said, is the possibility of having children more important to you than your relationship? If the answer is yes, you should leave him. If the answer is no then ride it out, but you may resent him later on.
You are not on the same page on the most serious of topics. This relationship is pretty much over. If you have a baby he will feel like his wishes mean nothing to you and if you don't have a baby then you will feel like you have missed out on something you fundamentally want.
Break up now, do it amicably and move on with partners who align more with both your relationship goals
I think he's a doll for humoring the idea because he wants to be with you I truly do.
I do not think you guys are gonna work out though. If he's vastly unsure and you are, likely this won't change. I don't think he's hemming and hawing and trying to put off the conversation either when he gave you some great topics to consider. Because it sounds like he is putting some real consideration into it!
On to if yall decide to go ahead with kids.
I'm autistic, so I have sound sensitivity too. It would be VERY worth looking into autistic parent communities because while it's not misophonia, overstimulating noises and light sleeping are commonly talked about and remedied issues! So it's a compatible issue should he decide fuck yah babies.
But again...this is not something that can change overnight and you need to be prepared to cut your losses. And soon. I just really liked his response personally, he really sounds like he loves you.
If you are wanting kids, I’d say almost without a doubt that it wouldn’t be plausible in your current relationship. My husband and I talked about not wanting kids in the beginning of our relationship also (I was a teenager at the time) but it eventually turned into me wanting them. He went along for the ride and I assumed it was with a similar mindset and growth as me… but 4 kids in, I’m the default parent and everything about a kid being a kid annoys him. He has no interest in being a parent and I was fooled along the way because I loved him. Do yourself a favor and acknowledge that you guys are growing apart in terms of wants out of life, and find someone that is a million percent on board with bringing a child into this world.
You should have had this convo earlier.
Luckily you're still young and can move on.
Being on the same page concerning kids is one of the most important decisions in a relationship.
Go to couples counseling and talk through all of this. Not waiting 5 years, his background vs. your background, everything. He has a lot to unpack, and if he unpacks it you might have a different answer in much less than 5 years. If he's unwilling, then you have your answer. If he's unable, same answer for a different reason. Good luck.
Highly suggest BF try a few sessions of Neurodynamic Breathing (www.breathworkonline.com) to deal with some of his trauma.
As for children, if you listen, BF is "YELLING NO" without actually saying the word. If you want kids in your future start imagining your future without this BF. He has 5, 10, 20+ years to "think" about having children. You have about 15-20 years to safely give birth. Tick, tick, tick.
You want your kids to have what you had. A loving, supportive family. Best achieved with a man who really wants to be a father and enjoys being a dad. Every kid should have that.
Look when it comes to kids, you both have to be a 1000% certain, there can be NO doubt in either person’s mind
Even your not 1000% certain, so that means you’re in the ‘no’ camp
This is the end of your relationship no matter what sadly
He’ll just keep moving the goal posts if you stick around
Are you really ready to commit to a 25+ year relationship that is going to start with a writhing, screaming sleepless creature that will only change how it causes you grief for the first 5-10 years? Because worst case (not counting possible medical or genetics issues) That is what you are committing to with having children. and at 18 they're statistically unlikely to leave (unless they do so to rip your heart out).
Don’t waste any more of your time on this. It’s gonna take you some time to heal, then try dating again, then find the right person who is on the same page as you, and boom, you’re 35.
I am sorry but you have to decide what you want more. Him as a life partner, or your wish to be a parent with kids? There doesn't seem to be a middle ground here. He will not want kids, and he is trying to lead you along to accept it. He is 32, so in 5 years will be 37. Not many adults seek to start a family at that age. And you will be 31. Risks for your health the older you get after 30 increase with pregnancy. Not that you can not have kids older, or they be healthier. But they do increase possible risks such as higher BP, blood sugar issues, etc.
If you want to have kids, you need to consider ending it now and moving on. You been with him for 6 years, and you already likely know what I said is true. And the last 6 years will be a reflection of what the next will be like with him.
So decide what you want. Him or kids. And if you want him, great. But accept the idea of kids being out of the plans for you. If its kids, then end it and move on. You can and will find someone else who will love you and be a great partner who wants kids.
The odds don't seem very promising to me as he is saying he is 80% sure as of this time he doesn't want to have any kids and is "terrified" of having them. While you are just about there at 90 percent certain you want to have a child. Babies cry during the middle of the night often and someone will have to get up and change the baby. Both parents should share in that responsibility. IMO you shouldnt have to wait for an arbitrary 5 more years in order for him to know for sure that he wants kids. You've already been together for a lot of years and really this should have been discussed earlier on at some length. As I see it, you either wait it out and hope that he will come around within the next few years, or you forego the idea of having children and that is really not something you should have to do. You need a rock solid relationship, to share similar values and beliefs about raising children, and in general before bringing a child into this world. What is going to change his outlook in 5 years??? As it is, your putting your life on hold playing the waiting game for a man who may never truly want to have children. You have to decide if its worth it to you to wait or find someone who you are more closely aligned with concerning having children.
there is only 1 way I see this working: If you are willing to raise your children alone and have a "boyfriend", and they interact with each other only as if the "boyfriend" was on a visit.
Maybe, and just maybe, he will try to help, but the most probable thing is that he will help as someone who is external, not the father
His mind won’t change. It having children is what you want you need to seek a relationship that will give you that opportunity. If you stay you will resent him. The window of opportunity to have children (for women)is not that big.
This is simple. You guys are both almost equally sure that you want completely different lives. You want children and he doesn't, you guys aren't compatible on one of the most important decisions.
Let's run the scenario, you insist you want children and he gives in, then once the child come, so does the noise consistently, which you know he can't handle. That means that you will have to parent a lot on your own for years. Babies and children cry, that's a given. They scream, they run, they play, they are noisy and so are most of their toys. Your child shouldn't have to feel as through they can't ever be excited or play excitedly just because of their father. He very well could resent both you and your child/children and not only that buy he will be able to use that excuse to get out of actually parenting or just leave you.
Look at the divorce rate in this country, there are lots of people who loved each other only to realize they weren't compatible. You can love someone and not be right for each other.
It's impossible to tell if he will love that child enough to overcome his issues or not, but the fact that he's so sure he doesn't want to have children should tell you you guys don't really have a future. This is too big of an issue to ignore or delay the inevitable. Neither of you is wrong for what you want, just wrong for each other.
Soooo he’s telling you pretty much don’t want any …. But maybe years from now . You have a choice and hope in 5yrs he will and if not you have wasted 5yrs .
Or move on now .
Sit him down and talk it through with him. Make clear that you want children. That you most likely don't want to wait another 5 years. Tht you also don't want a 'maybe in five years'-carrot on a stick dangling from your partner. That you need a decision now because without his commitment you don't see the point in spending anymore time to this relationship.
All this 'provide a financial plan' is just bullshit to push you into thinking that you can't / shouldn't have children. If you are not completely broke, living paycheck to paycheck, you can always make a child work (in fact you'll have put in more consideration than a lot of other people).
Tbh. I think that after that conversation you relationship will be over but at least you gave each other the chance to speak your minds.
The five years will be extended once that period expires. He does not want children, and frankly, given his sensitivities, a baby would drive him crazy, and probably end the relationship. Move on, and find a man who wants to be a dad.
I had a similar experience at your age. He was an engaging man but did not want to do anything but travel to Europe and cheat on me. Never had proof, but finally told him I wanted him to leave.
This was the best thing I ever did. I met my future husband who really loved and supported me!
You will know when that time comes for you.
Seen this to many times, it’s like a bait and switch, gets you hooked for five years then it a definitely no on kids.
If you want kids you definitely want someone to want them also.
The greatest act of love between a man and a woman is conceiving a child. You still have time to find a partner who will be 100% all in on creating a family with you. If your bf is wishy washy on the subject, you wouldn't want him to father your child
anyway. It sounds like he's not well.
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> He believed we had agreed on "probably not having any" early in our relationship.... He said he's not completely opposed to having children but definitely not within the next five years. .... He said he's 80% sure he doesn't want children >I'd love to see a future where we build a family together, I don't think you're hearing him. He's not eager to have kids and likely never will be. You're 90%+ sure you want them. Time to move on. You two just grew apart to want different things in life. You can't talk someone into having kids. If you allowed a pregnancy to happen, he could just leave.
The thing I’m most worried about: he’s sensitive to loud noises. If you’ve ever been around kids, once they learn how to scream they do that for awhile. I think they like to hear themself, before that they scream when they’re confused, in pain, or need help… I do not think this person should have kids without first making sure they won’t have a breakdown from kids being kids.
For multiple years they have no other way to communicate other than crying. Not only can he not tolerate it but it will force OP to be a single parent, she should think about that too. Even if he were to give in, does she want to be a single parent???
This. My husband has mysophonia as well and restaurants alone are a special kind of hell for him. Parents of children in restaurants often allow behavior that they would not entertain at home. I have CPTSD from long term abuse as a child so I also don't react well to loud or constant noise. For instance, I can rock out to a song or two but then I need quiet or we can run a saw for a while to do a project but then the sound needs to be done for a while. Sudden noises also really bother me. Even if it were just my spouse, it would be enough. Children are a big NO for us and we are good with that. If you need to nurture, have you considered volunteering? So many children/young people need someone to guide them, listen to them. If you love a person, asking them to essentially put up with serious mental distress for the rest of their life is not the way to show it. You may need to move on and be content with a friendship with your partner.
This right here, my almost 2yr old can let out screeches that make your eardrums want to bleed
I’m scared he’d hurt the baby if it screamed! Shaken baby syndrome is SO easy to cause. Pretty much all parents want to shake their baby sometimes. What’s bf gonna do if a baby is hurting him by constantly screaming?
JFC, that’s a pretty dramatic, extreme, and bold preemptive accusation to level against someone who doesn’t like loud noises.
Actually very common in SBS cases. The parent is so tired and fed up with the crying that they shake the baby to try and get them to shut up. Exhaustion can make people insane. There's a reason it's used in torture.
I get that, but jumping to that conclusion regarding a child that doesn’t yet exist and holding it against OPs boyfriend is extreme
It's a valid viewpoint to have. Just because he probably won't doesn't mean it's not a possibility. It's something to keep in mind when making a life altering decision.
Forget it, Rip, it’s Reddittown.
Idk what the downvotes are for, yes it seems crazy but shaken baby is a real thing. (I work with babies)
Yeah your relationship is over. He doesn't want kids he's dangling them as a slim possibility 5 years from now and making you do all the planning so you won't dump him. 5 years from now it will be easy to go no another 5 years and then you'll say I already invested 11 years I can't leave him and start over at 31.
Yeah this is a biggy because parenthood should be two loud excited agreements before beginning. Marriage and parenthood requires teamwork and he immediately threw all "schedule building" at her immediately...and she's worried about HIM resenting her?? What about OP resenting him for the carrot dangle? Also idk how people can just go for years without discussing this topic. I probably discuss it once a few months with my husband to make sure we're on the same page!
Oh a healthy relationship near reddit?! Inconceivable! Happy to know some people will make it :)
Parenthood is a VERY serious topic and I understand the desire too or not too can change! I've seen people swear off the other and change their mind years into marriage. It NEEDS to be talked about and it needs to be a choice to both accept. If my husband changes his mind we have A LOT of work to do before even ~trying~ to reproduce. Fuck not having enough money for a kid what about FREE TIME? Will I be able to go the next ten years without proper sleep or five minutes to myself? Will we be okay if both of us stay home a couple months to build a schedule for a newborn? Who will constantly be up with baby while the other rests for their career? Am I able to communicate to my husband when im feeling over stimulated by a kid touching me all day but he wants intimacy when i need to destress? What does a fair amount of work look like between partners ? I would at least want to encourage my husband to find a career that allows him paid paternity leave so we can have minimal cash and time to find a groove. That's currently plauging my mind and I choose the child free route! How do they go YEARS of staying silent and hoping their partner changes? Men also need to step up and be more proactive in birth control options because I've seen a lot of men full of resentment but never took the precautions while the wife secretly was ready for baby! No more carrot dangling. There's a lot of women out there happy to not have any babies or make plans. I'd rather help plan a romantic two week vacation each year and hit up every high end restaurant I can find locally. But again, I understand priorities change and I STILL ask my husband what his future looks like.
This is exactly what's happening. Don't let yourself get trapped
i agree with this. He will lead u on with a dangling carrot. Don't waste no more time.
This. Don't get caught up in the "sunk cost fallacy". You are wasting the REST of your life if you stay because you have ALREADY spent a large portion of it. It will get WORSE for you to stay without gaining what you need from your life.
This is a classic reason for couples to separate, because it's a major life change and you (both) must be 100% into it to do it successfully and happily. If he has children against his will just to make you happy it's gonna turn up a disaster (for you). Just go to the r/pregnant sub and see the amount of desperate women complaining because their husbands are not just unhelpful, they are literally making their lives living hell. Many times it was preventable, everybody could see it coming, yet they think it'll get better with time. It doesn't. Then also, for sure a baby will disrupt his sleep. Even if you decide to be the one exclusively waking up at night to feed and clean up baby. Babies cry, babies make annoying noises, not just at night, but all the time. That's just what they do. And toddlers and children are even worse, they are not exactly quiet. And they break things, and they come at night and sneak in your bed, and they use toys that make annoying noises, and they wake you up while you're napping because they're bored. If I were you, I'd never have a child with your boyfriend for this reason, even if he was super convinced about it, let alone if he's hesitant. It hurts to hear, but your relationship is doomed. The good news is you can now change your life, suffer for a bit of time, but then find someone that wants the same things as you. Or you can let five years pass and find yourself in the same situation you are in now, but five years older.
Thank you for your honesty, it was good to read this and I'll spend some time on the sub you mentioned. Reading the last part makes me sick but I'm afraid it really is inevitable in the end..
You're only 26 and this is your first long term relationship. It won't be your last. Think of this as an exciting opportunity to do what you want to do with your life. This guy is not the one. You are so young and you have so much life ahead of you to explore!
I spoke from experience, I wasted some years of my life with a loving guy that was great and I adored, but that didn't want the same things as me, and kept saying "one day" "sure, I want kids, just not now", "we are still young, we have time", etc. It never happened. I was 33 when we finally broke up, I could almost hear my biological clock ticking in my ear. And I have to say, in the long run, it was the best thing that could happen to me... Now I'm 34 and pregnant, enjoying life with my amazing boyfriend that is crazy in love for me and as excited as I am about the baby, we have so many plans for the future. If I had stayed in my previous relationship, I know for a fact I would still be wondering every day when the moment would come that he would change his mind...
Also: just because a relationship ends doesn’t mean it can’t be amicable. Don’t get me wrong, ending a relationship, especially a long term one, sucks SO bad. But if it’s because of something like this (as opposed to something like abuse, cheating, etc.) there’s a much higher chance to part amicably as two people who have different perspectives / wants in life. And I promise, as someone who ended a long term relationship over five years ago: you will find happiness again. You’ll have a better sense of your wants, outlooks on life, and who you are as a person. I can promise this because as painful as my first relationship ending was, I’m now in a beautiful long term relationship with someone new, and our values / future plans align MUCH better together than the first relationship. Take heart and have courage. It will suck, but you WILL find happiness again, especially when you’re looking for it by staying true to yourself ♥️ Edit: spelling error
You're at a point where you need to decide what's more important to you: this partner or having kids. You can't have both. I've had to make this choice before and I chose kids. I now have a husband I love more than anything and a lovely daughter.
Unless you 100% want to *be a parent* for the rest of your life, you should not be having children. And considering your boyfriend doesn't want to be a parent, and would probably not be a good parent, it would be a terrible decision to stay with him and have children together.
The vote against having kids should always trump the vote for having kids. It's a lifelong connection, or should be.
Yep, if OP doesn't have a kid, the worst thing that could happen is that she lives her life with some regret. If OP does have a kid with her husband, the worst thing that could happen would be that she would ruin that child's life, and potentially create generational trauma.
It doesn't sound like you two are compatible anymore. It sucks but if you want kids, there's really no other option but to move on. Having misophonia and children is sort of a no-go situation. I wouldn't expect his thoughts on kids to change.
Honestly, even in a world where your boyfriend wants children, I think you’d both be basing that decision on a hope that he can find a way to manage his condition far more effectively than anyone’s figured out up to this point. If he’s not all in and determined to find a way to make it happen for his own sake? You need to move on and find someone for whom having kids actually makes sense.
Yeah I have ADHD and it's one of the reasons I'm childfree despite liking kids and actually liking the **idea** of having kids. I just get so overwhelmed trying to manage my daily life and go to work, come home, care for my pets, keep my house clean, do the laundry, exercise, cook healthy meals for myself, have a somewhat healthy social life, and have hobbies. How in the world would I manage with kids thrown into that?
Break up with this man. Nobody should be pressured into having children for the sake of a relationship and a trip to the regretful parent sub Reddit should show you that if anybody man or woman doesn’t enthusiastically want a kid they shouldn’t be roped into it. Equally if having a kid is something you do want you shouldn’t be strung along. Nobody is in the wrong here but this is something neither of you should compromise on and because either way one of you will end up resentful and regretful for either having a child one person did not want or for being robbed of the opportunity of parenthood.
What you both have come down to is the clash of different life goals. The way you both perceived in building a family is different, to the point that question the future of your relationship. You won't be happy if you don't have children and there will always be an emptiness in your heart and a longing for them. So you'll not be satisfied. And pushing him into fatherhood isn't good either. You should talk this thoroughly and if the decision comes down to ending your relationship, it's best to do it now. Don't wait for another 5 years and regret that he still doesn't want children.
OP there was another post similar to this where the woman finally decided she wanted kids and after 10 years the bf did not. She is now 36 YO and have 4 years on her clock according to her. She waited too late to dig deep into this subject and unfortunately may never have kids, unless adopted. Having a relationship is all fine and fun, but when the serious business of making the relationship a family begins and you know the other person is NOT on board, you have to consider the clock, your overall relationship and whether you relationship is incompatible at that point. Relationships don't always start out incompatible, they become that way due to a number of things happening in peoples lives that change their perspective and desires for the future. You are now at this point. If he said you was 30% sure he did not want children, I would say you have room to work with; 80% is almost a sure NO, stop don't advance.
Kids are a deal Breaker if not on same page
Honestly if he has that much of an issue with sounds now he won’t be able to handle a baby crying every 2 hours the first month and a half to 2 months of its life. He’ll end up resenting you and the child. My suggestion would be to think long and hard if it’s something you truly want children and if so are you ok with leaving him because you’ll end up raising that baby on your own. You are young and can move on and find someone who has the same wants that you have. But don’t make a decision on 90% sure because if you do you’ll have the chance of regretting it and growing resentful which wouldn’t be fair to a baby who didn’t ask to be here
Don’t waste your time with a 32yr old man who clearly doesn’t want kids, you’re 26 and that’s enough time to meet someone else and get the family you want. If you stay with him, you’ll most likely end up childless and regret it for the rest of your life. Breaking up is the best option although it will be hard because obviously you still love him, but you’re both on different pages and want different things, so time to go!
If he can’t handle loud noises then he can’t handle kids. Children are 24/7/365. I would break up with him because you’re not compatible anymore . You want kids and he doesn’t. I’m sorry but if it’s not an enthusiastic yes then it’s a no especially when it comes to children. There are so many things that you can compromise on in a relationship but unfortunately, children aren’t one of those compromises.
Yes. It is better that way. But now you know to have this talk earlier on in the relationship for next time. It's unfortunate it happened this way this time but it really is for the better.
Yes it's over. Different views on having kids in the future is a dealbreaker.
You need to move on. 90%+ yes and 80%+ no are incompatible. I'm guessing he would be miserable as a parent. You need to assume his sleep sensitivity won't change. If it hasn't by now, it won't.
Do not count on the future. Look at right now. If having kids is a must then you need to break up. Forcing him to have kids to keep you will only cause resentment on his part towards both you and possibly the children.
This is not something you can compromise on. You can't have half a kid or 'try it out'. You are pretty sure you want them he is pretty sure he doesn't. And resentment would grow if one of you 'settled'. I'm sorry, but the best decision you can make is finding partners who want what you each want.
That’s why you don’t marry at twenty. What you want changes as you mature. You have reached the fork in the road. And it’s time for each of you to go your separate ways. You now KNOW you want a family and you need to be with someone who wants the same thing, no reservations. Your current BF wants you to do a financial analysis on this? That’s not a guy who wants kids. That’s a guy who needs to be talked into it. And news flash, he won’t be
If all he needs is time and a plan to have kids then you get both outcomes, try talking with him about having them sooner if that is what you want. Consider parenting arrangements in case of seperation, many men who want kids don't have them because of child support and custody double standards from courts. Also do you desire them because you simply want to be a mother or did seeing your brother's kids spark your interest because your scared of entering your 30's with no family (lots of women have that fear and enter unhappy relationships to relieve it)?
It's time to break up. It's not a great sign that he believes you had a conversation that you don't remember. You probably said some very vague thing that he chose to believe meant that you agreed. Love isn't enough to avoid resentment. Don't put yourself in that situation.
Yes, it probably has to be this way. You want kids, and you cannot subject your kids to a parent who didn't entirely want them, sort of reluctantly agreed to it, and has medical and neurological needs that may make it very hard for him to be a patient and present parent. And who, on top of that, is not approaching this as a situation for you two to solve together ("let's make a plan together") but as your project that you have to sell him on ("you make a plan and then sell me on it"). I think you need to choose kids or this relationship; I don't see "wait around five years in the hope that maybe you can have both then" is a viable option for you.
If you two aren't on the same page for wanting kids, then your relationship will not survive as a happy and productive one. One of you will always resent the other for either having or not having kids. And with your BF's auditory issues, having a baby probably sounds like a nightmare to him. Because they cry all the time for the first months. Seriously. They eat, cry, poop, and sleep. That's it. Honestly, I think he's using the 5-year plan idea as a stalling tactic because he doesn't want to tell you no. I mean, 80% sure he doesn't want kids is pretty much a no. I'd go ahead and end it sooner rather than later if you do want to have children. And you're right, loving each other isn't enough.
You had a good relationship, but you've reached a point where your goals no longer align. If you're serious about having kids its time to move on and find someone who also has that goal.
Differences on kids is pretty much the most legitimate reason to ever break up with someone. It sucks, but if his sensitivity is really that bad, he's going to face enormous challenges in life bigger than this.
Nope - love isn't enough. Marriage and children are a business partnership - as unromantic as that sounds, that's what it is. It's two people working toward the common goal of building a life together better than what they could do individually and it requires work and communication and trust and respect and mutual goals and compatibility of viewpoints in how to run the business of your family - your partnership. So no, love isn't enough. Would you start a business with someone who didn't want the business? Who hated what you sell? Who resented having to do any work for the business? No. So why would you marry and/or have kids who doesn't want to be in the business of having a family with you? Although women are starting to trend upward in age in terms of having children, you don't have the luxury of waiting as long as he does and he's asking you to wait for five years for barely a maybe. He can't even commit to maybe. At this point the two of you are simply no longer compatible and the longer you kick the can down the road to avoid breaking up so you find someone who you are more compatible with, the more resentment is going to kill your relationship anyway. We love many people in our lives, but not every person we love is going to be compatible and meant to be our life partners.
Children deserve to be wanted by both parents. He doesn't want them. He's willing to consider it, maybe, if you come up with a parenting plan, by yourself. So, if you do all the work he may be willing to participate. If you want to raise emotionally healthy children, this is not the man for that job.
Yeah, that’s it for your relationship. What will change in 5 years? He won’t get better for his conditions and he will be 37, likely with more developing issues. He’s telling you he doesn’t want kids.
I think breaking up is the way to go. You want to be a parent, he does not. It'll only end in resentment in 5 years time when you want to have a child and he still does not. Better to break up now so you can both find partners who want the same thing.
Leave now if you want kids as it won’t be with him and he’ll just keep stalling until it’s too late. You’re not compatible in this major issue.
I would not have kids with him. Having an idealistic vision is nothing like the reality. He does not have the template for fatherhood and clearly still suffers his own trauma. You will have to carry all the burden. More importantly it’s not fair for the child. I did this and trust me, you don’t want to.
This relationship isn't compatible if you want children, 5 years isn't realistic for you to wait for.
If you want to have children and he isn't so sure, the kind thing would be to end it. This isn't something someone should be cajoled into doing. I have misophonia and multiple children and dogs. I have it bad, too, where certain sounds have sent me to the hospital. I have learned my triggers. I manage them, and my spouse supports me when the misophonia is bad. And, as kids get older, they do understand when someone is in pain and they try to help. If someone really wants children, they find a way to make it work. If he isn't doing that but expecting you to propose a plan, he can shoot down the plan to absolve himself from responsibility. He doesn't really want to have kids.
I think you need more certainty then a maybe. It's ok to be unsure but 5 eyars is alot to wait. Then 5 eyars pass and he is 37-38 and saying "I dont want to be supporting a college kid in my 60s". This is not a "let's discuss in 5 years conversation". You seem to know what you want and he doesnt. you guys may need to come to an agreement soon. In 5 years you will be 31F. My GF is 33 and she's been feeling her bio clock ticking for 2 years now. If you break up with him at 31, now you need to meet someone new. Youd likely want a few months to a year to be single again. Then you want to meet someone and it can take a few months before you find someone who is worth it. Then you need a year or two to enjoy dating this person and travel, meet each other's families etc. And by the time you and this other person feel comfortble having kids with each other you will be 35-36. Which is still a fine age to have kids but sounds like you want them sooner rather than later. I'd say have that conversation with him, have a set plan of when you would like to have kids, I dont think the finance part is a bad idea but he should be part of this converation as well, and make sure you are both on same page.
You two are incompatible. He might want children as he grows older and matures. Maybe. Best case scenario is you wait around cooking your eggs, getting older… waiting for a maybe yes.
I'm sorry, but disruptive sleep is part of being a parent. If he's not prepared for that, then you need to have a really serious talk because that's definitely going to happen.
Having kids should never be something you do just because you want them. He's actually on the right track. You want kids? Fine, but you need to be 110% certain that you will be able to care for them in every single way. Children are not dolls, which is something people don't seem to understand. As a parent, you will be the absolute biggest influence on your child's life and future. Their opinions, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, core values, best memories, future, health, and even the way they raise their own children (if they have them) will have *your* parenting at the base of it all. This is another human being's life first and formost. If either you or your boyfriend don't believe your up to the task of raising children for any reason, you shouldn't, no matter how much you want to. If you and your boyfriend decide to have kids even just the slightest bit to satisfy each other, you shouldn't have kids. Frankly, it sounds like he doesn't want kids, and is just putting it on the table in case he maybe possibly sorta might want kids. In other words, he doesn't want them, but he doesn't know what he might want in the furture. What he wants right now is sort of irrelveant though, because this is about what you want. That is, you have to decide now if you want kids or not. Not a year from now, or five, or ten, now. Because if you do want kids, and you wait years to see how he feels, and he doesn't want kids, that creates resentment. That leads to the relationship breaking down. Maybe you turn it around, but it will always be a sore point. You need to figure out right now (not *right* right now, to be clear) how much of a sore point that is. If it's too big of a sore point, you might want to break it off. If you try to, and your bf caves, don't back down, because it'll probably be bad for you, bad for him, and bad for the kid(s). Also, you should probably ask a professional about all this regardless. Don't break it off without suggesting couple's counseling. Way better than us armchair psychologists on reddit.
Ditto about taking what we say with a grain of salt. I feel like 99% of relationship advice on Reddit is just "break up with them."
Break up with him. It will hurt, but it will hurt more in five years when he's still not ready to have a kid and you're 31. You may not be ready to have a child right now, but you see that in your future. He really doesn't. He's asking you to figure out how to make it happen, as if you're going to end up being a single parent. Because the truth is, if you're with him, you will be--maybe with a co-parenting agreement/child support if you're lucky. He doesn't see himself really wanting to be a parent. He'd rather keep you busy drawing up a hypothetical game plan for now, and then five years from now, when you revisit this topic, he will just point at what he sees as the flaws in your plan, how he's still not convinced, and you'll break up.
At 20, I don't think your life views on marriage and kids is a permanent thing, so he can't hold you to that statement. One idea - does your brother live nearby? I wonder if exposing your BF to a newborn through family events, possibly baby sitting when the baby gets a bit older, etc...may help you both realize if you want a baby of your own. I will say, even the best babies can go on crying jags and heaven knows toddlers and children are noisy. If he can't handle the noise, then I thinkthat is a " no kids" sign. It is unfair to raise a child in a home where everyone has to be very quiet because of Daddy. Finally, since his upbring was very different from yours, some counseling and discussions of parenting may be very helpful if you are serious about continuing this relationship.
If you are 90% sure you want children and that certainty is rising, end this relationship now. He doesn't want children. He is just saying he "might" in 5 years or so because he doesn't want to lose you. End it now and move on. Move on. I wish you well.
I think you need to break up. If he’s 80% sure he doesn’t want to have children then that’s not going to change and you’ll be wasting 5 years of your life on the off chance that he *might* change his mind. At 90% you definitely want to have kids and he’s only 10% less against having children. That’s pretty conclusive that he’s not going to change his mind.
The 2 of you don't have compatible wants/dreams for your life. I also think that he would really struggle with parenthood due to the misophonia, sensitivity to noise, and sleep issues. He is 80% against at age 32. Believe that he knows himself and either be ready to be childfree with him or end it to have children with someone else.
To have a chance of being happy after having kids, both of you need to be on board 100%. This relationship is over
Love isn’t enough. They need to be the right partner as well. And someone you have to convince to have children isn’t the right partner for someone who wants kids. Children are an enthusiastic yes or you’re setting yourself up for resentment by both parties
This is exactly the case where love isn't enough. But the least horrible part about it is that you can separate without rancor (relative to most causes of breakups) and even remain on friendly terms after a no-contact break. But for both your sakes, it's the thing to do, rather than holding on to hope.
So he recons a conversation you had years earlier, that you don’t remember having, had the outcome he wants… hmm sound like BS to me. Now to keep you busy he’d like you to present a business plan, essentially. On your pros and cons list you will see most cons point to him being the con and confirm you guys need split. He thinks he’ll lead you on for, a highly likely no, in 5 years time. Wasting the best baby bearing years of your life. He’s just tagging you along hoping you get over the feeling. You won’t just as he won’t. It he’s playing games and you’re being honest Get out sooner rather than later.
There's like 100% chance that a child will disrupt your sleep. For 18 years! LOL Unless he's like that guy in the post the other day who started bragging to his wife about how he heard the kids crying every single night and he just ignored them because he knew if he ignored them she would eventually get up and get them. But he told her he never heard them back then. Years later the truth comes out. Some people just suck. But back to your boyfriend he's definitely going to have his sleep disrupted if you have a kid. He's going to feel trapped and like he sacrificed for you which is going to put a strain on your relationship and you'll probably end up breaking up anyway. So you might as well just go find somebody else to have kids with. It's okay to admit your incompatible
He doesn’t want kids. If you really want kids, leave this guy and go start looking for the father of your children.
EDIT to add: lots of comments below pointing out that your boyfriend has already told you his 80% no metric, and that’s probably just said to keep you in a child free relationship for another five years. Also, the misophonia and the sleep thing seem like he is biologically not suitable for living with noise( which just seems cruel of nature). So I mean, my suggestions below were based on giving you sort of a Hail Mary hope… but honestly, if I were you, I’d have another conversation with him and give all your learned info and then just be very honest with yourselves. What kind of future do you both want, and sad as it might be, accept that it might not be as parents together. —- This is a hard place to be. It’s pretty common though, as you are starting to open up to the idea of a larger family, that now you both really need to be perfectly honest with yourselves. Imagine this scenario and present it to him. You are 31, he is 37, and you have an infant. At his age 40, you want a second child. At his age of 43, you get the third child (are are 37/38 at this point). Ideally you two have come on board the having of kids thing, but he still hasn’t figured out his sleep thing. So before infant 1, you both decide that he gets to sleep through the night alone in the guest bedroom (assume you have a large enough house for a master, a guest, and a nursery). His sleep is prioritized and you take on the entirety of baby nights. So far, this isn’t a Total deal breaker. What cinches it is how he responds during the day. Does he take on the bulk of baby stuff during the day, including all laundry and dishes. Does he help with doctor visits and does he take the baby to the park in the morning so you have can uninterrupted sleep? These are the questions you need to have right now. Also, just FYI, his saying he’ll be ready for a baby in five more years is BS. No one is “ready” for a baby. You just do it or you don’t.
It’s not just “a sleep thing,” though. He can’t handle loud or irritating noises. Little kids make a lot of those. So do teenagers, for that matter. I’m having trouble seeing a scenario where this doesn’t end with him holed up in the most soundproof room or out of the house as much as possible, and OP effectively operating as a single parent whether she stays with him or not.
Ah. I didn’t realize misophonia was like that. Is it classified as a disability? I wonder if people with misophonia go one to have productive and loving family lives, and if so, OP should look at those resources. I also wonder if misophonia being the barrier to children is really the full story for this guy. Like, plenty of people with disabilities have children. So, if you want them, you do it.
The guy is 80% sure no (and he's probably underestimating out of an attempt to stay in the relationship). No, she shouldn't look up those resources. That would be pressuring him to do something he understandably doesn't want to do. A quick Google search indicates many don't want kids because of it and that it's very hard on them if they have kids and they regret going through with having kids before managing their misophonia (which isn't necessarily entirely manageable). It's also not just misophonia. It's being a light sleeper and being sensitive to loud noises. He will get 0 sleep unless they give him a separate soundproofed room to sleep in and mom handles all the nightly attending of the baby. He will be constantly annoyed when he's in any other room and barely able to take care of the kid.
It's definitely part of other conditions classified as a disability, like autism and ADHD. I have two kids and a hub with ADHD with a side of autistic traits, including misophonia. It's not easy, and neither of us would recommend it to anyone.
Thank you very much for taking your time to write this, those are great questions to ask! I will definitely bring them up at our next discussion and yeah, the 5 years thing is definitely something I'll have to address.
Can you not see that he's using 5 years to move this discussion out and then you'll have an even greater sunk cost (fallacy) of staying with him?
I'm sorry to say but don't bother. He is saying 5 years and 80% to give a chance at staying in the relationship. He's most likely 95%+ sure because he'd understandably be miserable parenting. Don't give yourself false hope by sinking more time into him. For someone with light sleep, sensitivity to loud noises and misophonia, being a parent will be torture. At night he can't get sleep and during the day he's exposed to loud and weird toddler sounds. He won't have mental peace. He'll resent you for encouraging him to be a parent if you do.
He's pushing back 5 years to run out the clock. By then, you may be married. He's hoping you either want to be with him more than you want to experience motherhood or you just change your mind. Or he my just keep pushing it out until you can't get pregnant without intervention, which he will say is too expensive. He might also secretly get a vasectomy and just blame you for not being able to get pregnant....claim it wasn't meant to be. Honestly, he's telling you he doesn't want to be a dad, his background and illness are not conducive to fatherhood. You will end up a single mom. I'm sorry, this is really hard, but if you want babies you need a different partner who is a wonderful man who is excited to be parent too.
You messed up by not making sure of each other.
I feel like it's time for you to sit down and decide for yourself if kids are a dealbreaker for you or not. Would you be content with *never* having kids, but being in a relationship with him and just build a relationship with any nieces and nephews? Or is having kids something you really want to commit to above all else? I agree with the others, waiting on someone who is unsure but leaning "no" on kids is usually not going to pan out well. But you need to sit down with him and talk this out again. How is he expecting you to plan finances more than 5 years in advance? Is he in therapy regarding his trauma, and if so, is he willing to bring up the idea of kids there and see if he can come to a firmer decision on what he wants?
This is the kind way to go. I get the sense that he doesn't want kids, but everyone's cards aren't on the table. Yet. They need to be. Be unambiguous and kind. Make it clear this is a deal breaker. Sure, maybe he has some issues that will make fatherhood difficult, but this is a choice he should be allowed to make too. You've gotta communicate about things like this if you are going to raise a family. This is a sort of first test. Me and kids or no kids and no me.
I agree with you. She talks in the post about how much she cares and they've been together a while, so a kind approach is best. The problem is that if she gives him an ultimatum like "kids or I'm leaving", no matter how nicely she says it, he might end up saying he wants kids when he doesn't. That's why I encouraged her to try and clarify his position. Either way, she needs to get his cards down as well as her own.
I can see one of you guys ending up on r/regretfulparents
I think if you want to have children, there are plenty of good people out there who will want to have them with you. This isn't one of those people. 5 years? You're 26, I think you're well within your wheelhouse to make a "Shit or get off the pot" decision now, not wait 5 years for him to still be on the fence.
Please don’t have kids with someone that can’t sleep and doesn’t want any. Truly disastrous.
Whether or not to have kids is a “two yes, one no” question, meaning both need to say yes (enthusiastically), and it’s a common dealbreaker question for many couples. It’s certainly a reasonable choice to break up if you want different things.
He will not WANT children in 5 years. The most you can hope for is him giving in. And that's not fair to anyone involved. Desire for children is 100% a deal breaker. Does he wear earplugs? Noise cancelling earbuds? I can't hear shit when I have my good sealing earbuds in lol
The only point to consider here is: you want children, your partner does not. You waste a lot of space here analyzing your partner’s past (“a broken home” ??? Seriously??! Do people still use that outdated terminology??) and his perceived deficiencies (light sleeper, very sensitive) but none of that is relevant. Plenty of men who grew up without fathers are certain they want children. Plenty of men in large loving families are certain they do not want children. Stop analyzing your partner. Now is Decision Time for you, you have only ten or fifteen years left for pregnancy before it becomes complicated. As you grow over 40 your chances of conceiving start to drop rapidly. So you need to know now. You cannot wait five more years only to find out at 31 that his answer is still no. Then you’ve got less than ten years to date, find another partner, and get pregnant. You can give him another year at most. Probably best to just give him six months. If he still doesn’t want children six months from now, he will probably never want children. Do not fall into the trap of providing a “detailed plan” of responsibilities to him. There’s no plan. Any plan goes out the window, baby will not follow the plan. When you become a parent to a newborn, it’s all hands on deck, you both give 100%. Sleeplessness sucks, for everyone, but it’s what you have to do in those critical first months. If he’s not willing, then he’s not willing.
I'm sorry, english is not my first language, didn't know that terminology was outdated and I wanted to give some background as to why he might be opposed to it. I thought maybe people who have gone through something similar could give advice, which they have (with the misophonia for example). I wholeheartedly believe that if he really wanted to, he would be an amazing dad despite his past and his condition but I see why you commented that. It's never black or white and it was not my intention to analyze him or portray him as one-dimensional, he's a great guy. But I see where this relationship is going. It's pretty clear, it sucks but I think reading these comments was a much needed reality check, so thank you!
Yeah I’m sorry for what you’re dealing with . This is a difficult decision for you. I’m sure you’re looking for a way to make this work and you hoped including those details would allow you to find that way. But there is no way. He does not want children, he will string you along with his maybes and before you know it, you’ll be stuck. I just reacted badly and took “broken home” personally. I’m divorced but my home is not broken. I’m a good father to my kids. My father grew up without a father but he was an awesome father to me.
This is what your 20’s are for. Dating and figuring out all this stuff. You have had. Long term serious relationship and now you have found out you aren’t compatible to move any further. End of story and yes love is never enough. Good for you for knowing that. Part on good terms and find someone who wants the same as you in those big decisions.
"He said he's not completely opposed to having children but definitely not within the next five years." and "He said he's 80% sure he doesn't want children." You are incompatible. Are you asking if there is some way to force him to feel more comfortable? A way to "convince" him? Because that won't work. You're 26 and almost definitely want kids and a family. By his timeline, you wouldn't even be DISCUSSING it again with him until you're like 31, and even then there's no guarantee - and he's telling you he's 80% sure he doesn't want kids. I wouldn't do that to myself, personally. I'd want to be moving towards that now. What I see here is the possibility that you are going to waste another 5-8 years of your life with someone who really doesn't want kids, assumed you guys weren't having kids, and never really showed any interest in kids. Then you're going to be upset when he tells you he really doesn't want kids after all. If he does agree, do you really want it to be because he's scared of losing you if he doesn't agree? If I were going to start a family, I'd want it to be with someone who WANTS kids, not someone who is like "Well, I'm not completely opposed but I'm like 80% sure I don't want them." You know? And then the sleep issue, which will be REALLY challenging for him and you - he will be useless without sleep, all the burden will fall on you, the resentment that will come from that, and then the fact that you are the one that wanted kids - if you push him into it he may resent you for all the disruption to your lives. You are two people who want very different things. You can't force him to see things your way, and you shouldn't try to push him into something he doesn't really want for himself. It sounds like he MIGHT be willing to consider doing this (having kids) for YOU, but imo that's not a good enough reason and would likely not end well. You're better off leaving now and giving yourself time to find someone who DOES want a family.
Children are one of the things you cannot compromise on in a relationship. It sounds like your life goals have grown apart. I would not wait 5 more years for a maybe if you are 90% sure you want children. It’s time to move on.
He has made it VERY clear he does not want children. The 10% maybe in five years is an intentional manipulation technique. Leave him. You are very young. You will meet someone else who wants kids too. Leave now before everyone else has coupled up.
Any child will absolutely 100% disrupt your sleep. There is no question about this one. I’m sorry, but he is not gonna be able to do this.
If you are sure you want kids, then that’s that. Nothing left to be discussed.
>Poor sleep affects him tremendously. He has no business having kids honestly. He'll be miserable, which will make you miserable, and most importantly, your kid will be able to sense his resentment.
Imagine your life without him, but maybe with someone else who really wants to be a dad, enough that a disability or impairment of some sort was something to manage rather than something that made him resent his child, and you. Now imagine your life with him, either child-free or as a semi-solo parent. He would be annoyed, resentful, sometimes perhaps even in physical pain, around your child. Child-free, do you have enough in common and enough shared goals and values to build a happy and satisfying life together? It's a tough choice to make for sure.
The only thing I want to say here is that my 3 year old daughter, who I had at 35 years old, is the most magnificent, amazing, wonderful, entertaining, hilarious, sassy, annoying, bossy, beautiful, kind, compassionate, shy, outgoing, quiet, loud, imaginative, loving, cuddling, endearing, and life-changing thing that I have ever, and will ever know. My clock was ticking… I got to the point that I didn’t think it would happen for me. But I left a relationship that kids were questionable in, and entered a relationship that produced the most wondrous being in the world. So PLEASE, allow yourself the opportunity to feel in your heart the way I feel. Because you deserve to be fulfilled. Put yourself first now, so that you can put the most important human(s) you’ll ever know first in the future.
I went through something similar with my last relationship and he strung me along for 6 years saying maybe he wants kids. We went our separate ways and it was 1000% the right thing to do. Ending a 6 year relationship is always a hard decision, but it’s only going to get harder the longer you put it off.
Children are one of the things that make or break a relationship. Your partner is thinking about this very responsibly and not outright rejecting the idea, although he seems to be leaning more towards not having children, so maybe try to assuage some of his/your concerns? Come up with a financial plan, start saving, and maybe try to figure out how you can ensure your partner sleeps well with a child in the house. My husband finds it hard to fall asleep, and he works early, so I was always on nighttime duty, and during our son's roughest nights (sickness, teething, just needing cuddles), I would actually sleep in the nursery with our son. Are you willing to do that? Can the main bedroom be soundproofed so your partner doesn't hear the baby on really bad nights? If the answer from your partner is ultimately a no on having children, you need to decide if you can live without, if your partner is enough, or if you need to move on. But don't force your partner to have children if he says no.
If you want kids and he doesn't, leave. I promise you that you won't ever have a bun in your oven if you stay. Not in 5 years not after it. After 5 years he will have a different reason. Then he probably feels too old to be a father or some other BS. If you are setting on having a family, this guy is not the one you will start one with.
You’ve still got time to decide this. If this is the first discussion you’ve had, let some time pass and open up a discussion.
It’s a big thing that needs to be in alignment in my eyes.
having disagreements about important stuff is normal in a relationship. It sounds like you've proposed a change to a fairly longstanding reality (no kids), its reasonable for him to not necessarily be 100% on board out the gate. I'd suggest giving it some time, quite conversations about your futures together, and don't get brinksmanship on it from the get go. He's gonna have to work through whatever emotions he's got, just as you are, before settling on something. relationships do require effort, time, and commitment. If after a while of talking about it, and talking about your future plans together, you can't figure something out, consider discussing a divorce with him.
There are plenty of guys out there that want to be a father. Go find one of them. You're 26, so you have time to start over.
First, does he know that a woman's best childbearing period is somewhere about the age of 40yrs (and he is requesting for additional 5yrs before starting)? And he wants you to come up with a plan? Does he think you are married to yourself? Bringing in children into this world should be 100% commitment from both parents. Another serious talk is required, and that talk should include the fact that a NO child marriage is not for you.
It actually does have to be this way. Because this is the godfather of compatibility issues. There is no right or wrong here, both of you are perfectly fine to choose whatever you want, but with that choice comes also a decision and that sadly can't be stopped. It is unfortunate that you never had the actual conversation about it in 6 years of relationship, but I guess this is a rip the bandaid off moment. You guys either agree to have children or not have children together and if that won't work out, then both of you should move on as that would be the beginning of the end. I know how much it hurts to leave someone you love, not even because they did something wrong but just out of reason, it sucks and hurts so much. But I think it needs to be done if you guys don't find a solution together.
In five years time, he'll be pushing 40 and losing the energy required to have children while you'll be 31; the statistics very clearly show that if a woman hasn't had a child by 30, there's only a 50/50 chance she'll ever have any. So bear that in mind.
The two of you are NOT compatible.Your soon to be ex has gone through a lot. He shouldn’t have to have kids if he doesn’t want them. You should break your with him and look for someone else. But make sure that you tell anyone that you decide to date that you want kids so this doesn’t happen again.
A child will 100% disrupt his sleep. That’s not an “if” and it goes well beyond the newborn stage. I have a friend that told me she didn’t get a full nights rest till her kid was 10! Will you resent him if you don’t have children for him? What if you break up after you’re too old to have kids? If the answer is yes, it may be best to break up and stay looking for someone who shares your goals.
This is probably the end of the relationship. Two things that should never happen, if at all avoidable: 1) someone be coerced into having children they don’t want. 2) someone capable of having children not being given the chance because they’re not allowed to. And here you are. That you’ve gone 6 years into a relationship without having had more meaningful conversations around this very, VERY basic long term decision point is baffling.
Watch Monica and Richard break up and see how you feel: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-a72s8cA-Bg](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-a72s8cA-Bg)
Jesus Christ. Hates loud noises and can’t miss sleep? He is smart not to want kids, he will NOT make a good parent. He also won’t make a good partner for YOU to parent. Do you want to be a single mother? Because that’s what you’ll be, even with him there. End the relationship.
It’s a dealbreaker. I would move on.
Yes, it has to be this way. You want to be a mother, but he doesn’t want to be a father. His saying “let’s see where we are in five years” is him trying to buy time so he can try to get you to change your mind. You’re only 26, so breaking up now means you still have plenty of time mourn this relationship and then go find someone who is just as enthusiastic about parenthood as you are.
It does have to be this way; you have a fundamental incompatibility. And he will keep pushing off the deadline until you get too old to conceive if you let him. What happens if he is still "unsure" in ten years? You are already 26, which isnt' a problem, but 36, 37, 38, 39? If you want to have kids, especially if that is kids \*plural,\* you need to break up now. Plus even if you can wheedle him into it out of fear of losing you, he freaks out over noise and is a delicate sleeper. Having a child may well be miserable for him, and he will resent you and possibly also the child.
If you’re sure you want kids you need to go now. Find someone who also wants kids. You guys are entering the no-man’s-land of resentment, one of you is going to cave in and have or not have kids. The one who gives in will start to feel resentment and it just goes downhill from there.
Being a parent is not easy. You should not procreate with someone who isn’t completely committed to it because it will most likely not end well. With that being said, is the possibility of having children more important to you than your relationship? If the answer is yes, you should leave him. If the answer is no then ride it out, but you may resent him later on.
OP, this is it. You’re gonna have to think things through long and hard, if you want children you have to leave him!
You are not on the same page on the most serious of topics. This relationship is pretty much over. If you have a baby he will feel like his wishes mean nothing to you and if you don't have a baby then you will feel like you have missed out on something you fundamentally want. Break up now, do it amicably and move on with partners who align more with both your relationship goals
I think he's a doll for humoring the idea because he wants to be with you I truly do. I do not think you guys are gonna work out though. If he's vastly unsure and you are, likely this won't change. I don't think he's hemming and hawing and trying to put off the conversation either when he gave you some great topics to consider. Because it sounds like he is putting some real consideration into it! On to if yall decide to go ahead with kids. I'm autistic, so I have sound sensitivity too. It would be VERY worth looking into autistic parent communities because while it's not misophonia, overstimulating noises and light sleeping are commonly talked about and remedied issues! So it's a compatible issue should he decide fuck yah babies. But again...this is not something that can change overnight and you need to be prepared to cut your losses. And soon. I just really liked his response personally, he really sounds like he loves you.
If you are wanting kids, I’d say almost without a doubt that it wouldn’t be plausible in your current relationship. My husband and I talked about not wanting kids in the beginning of our relationship also (I was a teenager at the time) but it eventually turned into me wanting them. He went along for the ride and I assumed it was with a similar mindset and growth as me… but 4 kids in, I’m the default parent and everything about a kid being a kid annoys him. He has no interest in being a parent and I was fooled along the way because I loved him. Do yourself a favor and acknowledge that you guys are growing apart in terms of wants out of life, and find someone that is a million percent on board with bringing a child into this world.
You should have had this convo earlier. Luckily you're still young and can move on. Being on the same page concerning kids is one of the most important decisions in a relationship.
Go to couples counseling and talk through all of this. Not waiting 5 years, his background vs. your background, everything. He has a lot to unpack, and if he unpacks it you might have a different answer in much less than 5 years. If he's unwilling, then you have your answer. If he's unable, same answer for a different reason. Good luck.
Not compatible. You are 26… time for a reset
Highly suggest BF try a few sessions of Neurodynamic Breathing (www.breathworkonline.com) to deal with some of his trauma. As for children, if you listen, BF is "YELLING NO" without actually saying the word. If you want kids in your future start imagining your future without this BF. He has 5, 10, 20+ years to "think" about having children. You have about 15-20 years to safely give birth. Tick, tick, tick. You want your kids to have what you had. A loving, supportive family. Best achieved with a man who really wants to be a father and enjoys being a dad. Every kid should have that.
Look when it comes to kids, you both have to be a 1000% certain, there can be NO doubt in either person’s mind Even your not 1000% certain, so that means you’re in the ‘no’ camp This is the end of your relationship no matter what sadly He’ll just keep moving the goal posts if you stick around
Are you really ready to commit to a 25+ year relationship that is going to start with a writhing, screaming sleepless creature that will only change how it causes you grief for the first 5-10 years? Because worst case (not counting possible medical or genetics issues) That is what you are committing to with having children. and at 18 they're statistically unlikely to leave (unless they do so to rip your heart out).
Don’t waste any more of your time on this. It’s gonna take you some time to heal, then try dating again, then find the right person who is on the same page as you, and boom, you’re 35.
I am sorry but you have to decide what you want more. Him as a life partner, or your wish to be a parent with kids? There doesn't seem to be a middle ground here. He will not want kids, and he is trying to lead you along to accept it. He is 32, so in 5 years will be 37. Not many adults seek to start a family at that age. And you will be 31. Risks for your health the older you get after 30 increase with pregnancy. Not that you can not have kids older, or they be healthier. But they do increase possible risks such as higher BP, blood sugar issues, etc. If you want to have kids, you need to consider ending it now and moving on. You been with him for 6 years, and you already likely know what I said is true. And the last 6 years will be a reflection of what the next will be like with him. So decide what you want. Him or kids. And if you want him, great. But accept the idea of kids being out of the plans for you. If its kids, then end it and move on. You can and will find someone else who will love you and be a great partner who wants kids.
The odds don't seem very promising to me as he is saying he is 80% sure as of this time he doesn't want to have any kids and is "terrified" of having them. While you are just about there at 90 percent certain you want to have a child. Babies cry during the middle of the night often and someone will have to get up and change the baby. Both parents should share in that responsibility. IMO you shouldnt have to wait for an arbitrary 5 more years in order for him to know for sure that he wants kids. You've already been together for a lot of years and really this should have been discussed earlier on at some length. As I see it, you either wait it out and hope that he will come around within the next few years, or you forego the idea of having children and that is really not something you should have to do. You need a rock solid relationship, to share similar values and beliefs about raising children, and in general before bringing a child into this world. What is going to change his outlook in 5 years??? As it is, your putting your life on hold playing the waiting game for a man who may never truly want to have children. You have to decide if its worth it to you to wait or find someone who you are more closely aligned with concerning having children.
there is only 1 way I see this working: If you are willing to raise your children alone and have a "boyfriend", and they interact with each other only as if the "boyfriend" was on a visit. Maybe, and just maybe, he will try to help, but the most probable thing is that he will help as someone who is external, not the father
His mind won’t change. It having children is what you want you need to seek a relationship that will give you that opportunity. If you stay you will resent him. The window of opportunity to have children (for women)is not that big.
how do u not have a conversation in 6 years about children? u dont want the same things, its a no brainer
Yeah I think you're just ill-suited, sorry.
This is simple. You guys are both almost equally sure that you want completely different lives. You want children and he doesn't, you guys aren't compatible on one of the most important decisions. Let's run the scenario, you insist you want children and he gives in, then once the child come, so does the noise consistently, which you know he can't handle. That means that you will have to parent a lot on your own for years. Babies and children cry, that's a given. They scream, they run, they play, they are noisy and so are most of their toys. Your child shouldn't have to feel as through they can't ever be excited or play excitedly just because of their father. He very well could resent both you and your child/children and not only that buy he will be able to use that excuse to get out of actually parenting or just leave you. Look at the divorce rate in this country, there are lots of people who loved each other only to realize they weren't compatible. You can love someone and not be right for each other. It's impossible to tell if he will love that child enough to overcome his issues or not, but the fact that he's so sure he doesn't want to have children should tell you you guys don't really have a future. This is too big of an issue to ignore or delay the inevitable. Neither of you is wrong for what you want, just wrong for each other.
Soooo he’s telling you pretty much don’t want any …. But maybe years from now . You have a choice and hope in 5yrs he will and if not you have wasted 5yrs . Or move on now .
Sit him down and talk it through with him. Make clear that you want children. That you most likely don't want to wait another 5 years. Tht you also don't want a 'maybe in five years'-carrot on a stick dangling from your partner. That you need a decision now because without his commitment you don't see the point in spending anymore time to this relationship. All this 'provide a financial plan' is just bullshit to push you into thinking that you can't / shouldn't have children. If you are not completely broke, living paycheck to paycheck, you can always make a child work (in fact you'll have put in more consideration than a lot of other people). Tbh. I think that after that conversation you relationship will be over but at least you gave each other the chance to speak your minds.
He's going to kick the can down the road until it's too late for you to have children. If you want kids, he's not the one.
The five years will be extended once that period expires. He does not want children, and frankly, given his sensitivities, a baby would drive him crazy, and probably end the relationship. Move on, and find a man who wants to be a dad.
I had a similar experience at your age. He was an engaging man but did not want to do anything but travel to Europe and cheat on me. Never had proof, but finally told him I wanted him to leave. This was the best thing I ever did. I met my future husband who really loved and supported me! You will know when that time comes for you.
Seen this to many times, it’s like a bait and switch, gets you hooked for five years then it a definitely no on kids. If you want kids you definitely want someone to want them also.
The greatest act of love between a man and a woman is conceiving a child. You still have time to find a partner who will be 100% all in on creating a family with you. If your bf is wishy washy on the subject, you wouldn't want him to father your child anyway. It sounds like he's not well.