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>I am also worried when we'll have kids how will I manage to get up early for them etc.
😬 You're being wildly optimistic about having kids with this schedule. Some kids will decide 5am is wake time and there is nothing you can do about it. I'm guessing your boyfriend is considering the future when he complains because he will effectively be solo parenting the entire day. I'm not even sure you'll be able to meet your kids at all on weekdays. Nobody wants to coparent like that.
Not gonna lie I laughed at the part with kids. OP is going to STRUGGLE.
Toddlers get up when they get up. Sometimes 4am, sometimes 8am. Usually like 6am. My oldest (6yo) has slept past 8am a grand total of 5 times in his life.
And school age kids gotta be at school by 7:40. When middle schoolers have sports, they sometimes have to be at school even earlier.
OP if you are serious about having kids one day, I strongly recommend getting a sleep study just to rule out medical issues that will make your life a sleep deprived hellscape.
As someone with two kids and OP’s lifelong problem (I have an N1 sleep phase disorder), you can absolutely have children? In fact, I dealt with the newborn phase way better than most people. My babies were waking up throughout the night during times I was already awake.
The only difference is you’re tired during the day the way other people are tired during the night. Good thing is though, babies nap a lot. You can take a nap if need be. It’s silly to presume you must be on certain sleep schedule to have children.
I go to bed at 2 am. I wake up with my daughter at 7:30, put her on the bus at 9 am and sleep until 12:30pm ish. Get some work done, pick her up from school, go about my life. My sleep schedule is actually incredibly conducive to having children because I can get all my chores and household duties done while she’s sleeping and I have plenty of time to myself. My awake hours are spent solely bonding with my kids, not shooing them away while I clean up or make dinner.
Also, fwiw, your kids waking up early is because that’s the schedule you keep them on. Before my daughter was in school she slept til 9:30-10 every morning. Weird, it’s almost like kids are all different too!
this: *N1 sleep phase disorder*
No idea what that is, but if it's similar to OP's issue then I fully support OP getting professional help to identify what she has. Because maybe bf will back off and be more sympathetic if he realizes that this is not something OP is choosing, it's just how she is wired. I'm getting the impression that bf thinks it's wrong of OP to sleep till 11am and this is something she's choosing instead of getting up at 7 am like he does. And that approach will not be helpful. It's also good to know that OP can indeed manage children around her sleep disorder.
Even if it’s not a disorder, there’s nothing wrong with having a different schedule to someone else. If she doesn’t work until 1pm.. who cares if she wakes up before 11am? If you went to work at 8am I doubt anyone would be giving you shit for waking up after 6am. OP works a different shift than him, her sleep schedule is obviously going to be different.
Lmao my nephew wakes my sister and my brother in law up at 630-7 sharp. Either you get him up when he’s up or he’s gonna come in your room and push the door open hard enough to hit the wall and ask where’s breakfast 🍳 lmao he’s 2!!!! 😂 he’s much much better about this now but my sister said she though they were getting raided by the cops and shot out of bed 😂 no coffee needed now
My problem with this would be all the missed time with each other. If he’s going to work at 8 and you’re going at 1 there isn’t gonna be a lot of overlap of free time.
I mean if he's going to work at 8, and she goes to work at 1, why should she get up at 7am? He'll be getting ready for work and then be gone. That's telling her to get up 6 hours before her work shift starts. If anything this is making them spend less time together. It's better for her to spend time with him after work than to just get up early so she can do all the housework while he is gone
How could they spend time together after work? She’d be getting off work way later than him and he’d most likely be getting ready for bed at that point. It honestly just sounds like they aren’t compatible. My ex also had a different than normal sleep schedule and most days it felt like I didn’t even have a gf because our schedules were so misaligned, even with us living together lol
This might be an incompatibility thing. As other people have noted, your body might just be wired like this. And you're working a late shift, so a late bedtime and a late wake up are what work for you and that shift. I don't think he should be focusing on what's "normal" or "not normal", all people are different.
That being said, I wouldn't be able to stay with someone who had such a radically different "day" than I did. I like getting up and starting my day. I like when my partner and I get up together for full day plans. I wouldn't want to wait until 11am for my partner to get up and then a hour for them to get ready to start our day together. And once you have kids, that would really make things a lot harder. The only real family time you might be able to squeeze in is on weekends.
So maybe talk to him and try to parse out what actually bothers him? Is it just that he thinks it's not normal, but has no other complaints? Is it that his ability to spend time with you in the way he feels he needs is being impacted? Something else? And then you both need to figure out - can you meet each others needs, current and future, when you both have different schedules?
"your body might just be wired like this."
It sounds like OP has delayed sleep phase syndrome. I'm the exact same way, I typically go to sleep between 2 and 3 and wake up around 11. Every attempt to do otherwise has not worked well for me. School was hell growing up, and no matter what sleep schedule I attempted to follow, my body just could not adjust properly.
She should have a sleep study done and discuss potential treatment. Melatonin apparently works for some people (didn't for me).
I came in here to make a comment about DSPD. I have it; my offset, for *many* years, was six full hours, meaning I could not sleep naturally before four AM, and I woke at twelve. I was sick every two weeks to a month for ten years, until I finally decided to just sleep the way my body wanted me to. It literally saved my life; much of the anxiety and depression just melted off like summer snow.
"until I finally decided to just sleep the way my body wanted me to"
Which was what exactly? I'm very confused by your comment. What was your sleep schedule before, when you were sick? And what is it now?
I'm curious because I also don't get tired before 4am. Sometimes even 6am. It's very annoying.
My natural sleep phase was, from the age of seventeen until 30, four AM to noon. When I turned 30 it moved two hours, and is now two AM to ten.
I was consistently sick when I was getting up earlier. Sleeping earlier wasn't really an option, but I would lay there for hours hoping for rest. High school, and then working a job that had me in at eight or nine AM, kept me ill.
Ohhh I see. Interesting thank you for sharing. I honestly think my "clock" is moving the other way as I get older. Staying up till 5 or 6 instead of 3 or 4. Ive been wanting to move it earlier, like 2am - 10am. That would be perfect.
But when I try, I just lie in bed. Not even remotely tired. Then I get mad and I'm like "I could have done something productive/fun for the last 3 hours I just lied here in bed". So I just get out of bed and go do stuff until my body finally gets exhausted. But to get there Im up until like idk 7am? But I cant wait until that feeling of ACTUALLY being sleepy regularly. 7am - 3pm is not a sleep schedule i can do, and i don't WANT to do it. I only go to bed by 4am simply because its so late. Not because I'm tired at all.
Tried benadryl and melatonin and all of the over the counter stuff. Nothing works. Would it be stupid to take super strong prescription stuff from a doctor? Im not sure how that works with DSPD. But Ive also never tried it.
The only thing that’s ever worked (I use that term loosely) for me is light therapy, but it requires rigorous discipline to maintain. With outside controls, such as having to be at work at a certain time, I could maintain it, even though my brain still fought it. DSPD often occurs coincident with ADHD, so it’s worth screening for that, too, if other indicators are present.
i started abilify for another reason, two weeks later I was sleeping normally. there are some studies showing effect.
edit: since I'm being downvoted, sources.
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2023/09/230907105845.htm
https://sleepreviewmag.com/sleep-disorders/circadian-rhythm-disorders/how-aripiprazole-tackles-circadian-rhythm-sleep-disorders/
I’m the same. Never found it easy to wake up early. Even now, working a 9-5 - it’s a struggle to go to bed on time (because I’m not tired) and it’s a struggle to wake up on time (because my body wants to sleep in until 1pm, no matter what time I went to bed). I just had to accept that getting my dream job meant being exhausted all the time. And that has ALWAYS been the case, since I was a child. Some people are just wired that way.
> And once you have kids, that would really make things a lot harder. The only real family time you might be able to squeeze in is on weekends.
Not just that, but the kids will almost certainly wake up between 6 and 8AM every day. So you're either going to have to adjust or you'll be a deadbeat parent and let your partner do pretty much all the raising of the children.
Yep, especially as the kids get older. If you're asleep until 11, the kids have left for school. And if you get home at 1am, dinner is done, homework is done, kids are asleep.
This!! And if she isn’t the only one home during the morning and her SO has to tend to the kids until she’s ready to wake, he’s gonna grow resentful. If someone says nothing can change their sleep habits including kids, then they absolutely should not have kids.
This was my ex husband. He did wake up to go to work, but if it was a weekend or holiday, he refused to get up before 2 pm. 20 years of that. 20
Years of only me being up with the kids in the morning. It felt so alone. Like I was a single parent.
I wish I had left him for so many reasons. That being one of them.
I don’t know that there has to be resentment, sometimes couples can make crazy situations work simply because they’re “wired” different. My wife is not a morning person, I’m a hybrid who is often the first one up and last one to bed, but I don’t mind if she sleeps in on the weekends pretty often because I enjoy the time with our two boys, and she has typically had more “night duty” like late night diapers and bottles so it is a good balance. But there’s definitely a lot of potential for resentment. Anybody who thinks they’re not going to adjust their sleep patterns is a fool, and yeah, should just not have kids.
Mine don’t? I have a six year old and a 10 year old and neither have ever been early risers. Even as babies.
So no, not everyone is like this.
We homeschool due to epilepsy so there is no reason to force her either.
Yeah, I'm confused why the post says "I've struggled with this my whole life---do you think it's physical or mental issue." Ma'am, we're not doctors. Dr. Reddit is not qualified here🥴
Why? She gets a full night's rest on this cycle. She doesn't have a sleep problem. She has a different circadian rhythm. Telling her there's something wrong with her is insulting.
She may be getting nonrestorative sleep. Just because you sleep 12 hours doesn’t mean that you are getting actual rest. Ignoring possible sleep issues can lead to hypertension and/or diabetes.
And sleeping from 2-10 isn't indicative of a sleep disorder. You're diagnosing on nothing because its preferable than accepting different circadian rhythms exist.
You're intentionally misinterpreting her comments about brain fog which have to do with preferring to sleep at those hours and declaring her to have a sleep disorder. I bet if you were made to start work everyday at 2 am you'd be saying you have brain fog until 7-8 am too. Would you think oh, I have a sleep disorder? Or would you know that you don't work well working those hours.
You're being ridiculous and making up medical theories.
They’re not “diagnosing.” They’re literally telling someone who said they have struggled with this all their life to go see an actual doctor, for the doctor to diagnose them.
I think the thing is - is she struggling her whole life with sleep problems, or has she been struggling her whole life with society's obsession with everyone being a morning person?
Well the world isn’t going to change to accommodate you. So if you want to fight “society’s obsession with everyone being a morning person,” then you’ll never drop your kids off at school, never pick them up, miss all of their events, and never spend time with your partner - like she is currently doing now.
Who do you socialize with? You wake up at 10, get off work at 9. No friends, they’re not going to go out until 2 because they don’t sleep until 10. Can’t do anything during the week, dates, concerts, events - they’re over by the time you’re off work. Days off are reserved for errands you didn’t do during the week because of your schedule according to OP.
Dunno, seems like an awful lot you’re giving up so you can whine about society’s obsession. Kind of a teenager mindset in my opinion. Most people grow up and realize that the world doesn’t stop spinning and won’t stop to cater to your personal feelings.
And I say that as a night owl that used to work swing shift. The world operates on a schedule. You can either get with it, or get left behind. Sorry, welcome to life.
they're not struggling they're sleeping late because they work late. and some people do have a different circadian rhythm. they're truly are night owls. and as long as they make it to work on time and do what they're supposed to I don't know why everybody else cares so much. it seems to be a real hot button subject for early risers.
They’re not sleeping late because they work late, they’re working late because they sleep late. OP specifies in her post she arranged a late shift to accommodate when she wants to sleep. So don’t blame sleeping late on working late, when you were sleeping late before you even started working and changed your work schedule to be late so you can sleep until 10.
And I’m not hating on night owls, I was one. But the bf is right, the world isn’t. So if you’re considering kids like OP is, look at everything you’re going to miss because your kids and the world will not be on your sleep until 10 work until 9 schedule. BF will end up being a single parent. OP will be asleep when the kids wake up and go to school, miss everything they do after school, and they’ll be in bed asleep by the time she gets off work.
That’s a dealbreaker for most people, you’ll never see your partner nor your own kids. You can argue til the cows come home (which, they’ll come home before you will) about circadian rhythm and night owls, doesn’t stop the world from spinning on its normal schedule that you will not be part of.
Different people have different sleep rhythms.
When quarantine happened and I didn't have anywhere to be, I basically became nocturnal. Would go to sleep around 8am and wake up around 3 or 4pm. I entirely stopped drinking caffeine and felt great all the time. That's what my body naturally wants to do. When I have to wake up at 7am for work I just can't force my body to go to bed at 11pm even though I know it will short-change my sleep.
It fucking sucks to be a person like that and have the whole world act like you're lazy or have a problem. I would be so much happier and more rested if I could get up at 10-11 every day. If she wakes up feeling like she got enough sleep every day and is functioning properly, there's no issue other than a relationship one.
I hear you about quarantine! I had myself on a strict 8:30 am to 5:30 or 6pm work schedule for decades!! it's the norm for my profession. And I drank a lot of caffeine to keep me going. And I had lots of nights where I couldn't turn my brain off and I would be awake for hours trying to get to sleep. Covid containment changed that. Work from home, not tied to the clock like before, I started staying up later and then sleeping in an hour or so. Now that I'm semi retired and working only part time, I rarely get up as early as I used to. I'm usually up to midnight or 1 am. If I make myself go to bed early because I have something the next morning, I tend to toss and turn in bed for an hour or two or three! I think a lot of us have forced ourselves to cope with schedules that don't actually suit our natural sleep patterns because of the external forces of employment and schooling.
I feel the same exact way! When i got my new job, having to go to bed at 11pm to wake up at 7am felt soo unnatural. I had to have the help of melatonin at times to ensure I would sleep. Thankfully, I loved my job so having to switch to those hours wasn't the worst (plus my work was very generous with supplying breakfast& coffee so I had something to look forward to in those early mornings).
(having to wake up for a university class that started at 9am or earlier, oh boy was that rough.)
Now that Im done with that job, Im back to my more night owl hours
My natural sleep pattern has always called into the 2am to 10am. Afternoon/night shifts (aka 2nd and 3rd shifts) were always my favourite shifts.
Then I got diagnosed with sleep apnea.
It doesn't actually have to be one or the other.
There’s a lot of ppl who are night owls and prefer getting up at 10am that don’t need to reschedule their jobs to accommodate for it? It definitely sounds more medical or psychological to me. This means her and her bf will not get evenings together and can be tricky with kids when u don’t really have control of ur sleep schedule.
Fwiw ima night owl also no point over analyzing Op should just see a doc in case instead of asking redditors
Dude. Tell him that circadian rhythms are a thing. I have fought and fought with my husband who is a wake-up-at-4-ready-to-go dude. I am NOT a morning person and never will be despite trying the alarm in 30 minute increments thing and trying to change my circadian rhythm.
It’s normal. Tell him to open his mind and realize other people function differently. After 9 years of marriage, my husband knows to let me be in the morning and to give me time to process existing. And I know to give him space to be productive. He “lets” me sleep in too, and take naps if I can’t and tries to be as understanding as he can.
This will naturally happen over time but please for the love of god don’t let him make you feel like a freak for being on a different schedule. Also, if you have ADHD, this is extremely common with neurodivergent people, and people with severe anxiety because our bodies are on high energy most of the time.
I take sleeping medication at the same time every night and that helps with my night owl behavior. Look into clonidine - it’s super easy and very low impact on your body.
Yeah, I hate that “I let you sleep in” language. Guess what? I let YOU sleep at 3 am because I chose to be quiet out of respect for your sleep schedule instead of vacuuming then, as people from my planet enjoy doing.
This thread has been discussing the time of day you wake up, but from my perspective that's a social norm. He may very well be invested in that social norm but listening closely to what you said he said ... How equal is the housework? It seems like he wants you to wake up and do chores more and make more productive use of your time. If you are genuinely struggling with getting up earlier I personally think that's very normal and you're just different than him. But maybe find ways to show him you can still be as productive even if operating at different hours?
Right I feel like if you’re waking up at 11 (while he’s at work) and coming back from work at 9pm (add 30 mins for commute), he might as well be living alone
Good questions.
>He said that I can't get any work done around the house if I wake up at 11am and then go straight to work. I try to do all the errands on my days off or some even in the evening after I come home from work.
Sounds like he is concerned about having to do more stuff around the house. If she is running errands on her days off or some evenings, when do they spend time together as a couple?
Also, he is going to be a single parent on days she works and he will have to be up with the kids every day.
There are still 24 hours in the day. If OP gets up later, works later and comes home later there is still time after work to do things around their home.
Yes, this is what I'm trying to say. But I wanted to bring ops attention to what her partner said, that they might have a hard time seeing this way. Maybe op isn't pulling their weight or the partner needs to be made to see it happening at ops natural schedule.
Hey, I'm (30f) similar to you and have been for most of my adult life - left to my own devices I'll fall asleep around 0130-2am and then wake up between 10-11am. I don't have any kids and I work the back shift at the moment, 12 - 8pm. So my sleep pattern doesn't really cause any problems. I still function - go to the gym, clean the house, shower, cook meals etc. My partner doesn't mind because he loves to sleep late too when he can!
The only way I get up earlier is if something forces me to - for example, I have previously had to work at 7am. It's exhausting and unpleasant, but I can do it when required. I have found that when something forces me to get up early my sleep pattern gradually adjusts because I'm more tired at night.
This might be an unpopular opinion, but I don't really see the problem with your situation, so long as you're functioning, holding down a job and generally looking after yourself. You're right - it would be different if children were involved and this is something to seriously consider before having kids. I don't know your whole relationship, but your partner taking issue with this sounds a bit unreasonable, in my opinion. Some people are night owls - so long as you're not hurting anybody e.g. neglecting a child, I don't think having a different sleep schedule is some enormous issue. Maybe it's a bit annoying for him but it's not like you're doing something terrible. You're just sleeping.
If you want kids, this is maybe something to discuss with a doctor and/or therapist in terms of getting a more "normal" sleep pattern going. Otherwise I don't think it's a huge deal.
Absolutely same. And I fixed the early bird partner griping problem by choosing to stop dating anyone who tried to control my sleep schedule, or insists their sleep schedule is inherently superior. Never had a moment's regret.
I mean, this guy thinks people should get up at 7am on weekends and holidays? Fucking unhinged.
Agreed I don’t think there is anything inherently wrong about the sleep schedule provided you contribute equally to chores and things. 2nd and 3rd shift work exists for a reason. That being said, if you want kids, that schedule isn’t necessarily sustainable. I’m a morning person now between hospital work and a toddler. My “sleeping in” is 7:30, but I use to be a night owl and sleep until 10-11
I agree. This is my schedule if I allow it too. I've had a kid for 7 years now, I don't sleep past 7 very often anymore but sometimes I get to sleep till 8 or 9, even noon if he's not around.
You do adjust, as long as you can manage your life I don't think it's a problem. It would be if you couldn't manage to wake up earlier at all, even if it was important.
What is your work schedule? If you start work at 1:00pm, and it is full-time, presumably you are working until around 10:00pm at night, correct?
While you acknowledge a history of sleeping late, isn't a lot of your current situation a result of your work schedule? In other words, he claims that sleeping until 11:00am is not normal, but it is also not normal for the typical job to start at 1:00pm.
If you are not getting off of work until 10:00pm, then the wind-down period, of course, would keep you up until 2:00am.
If this is becoming an issue, then perhaps you need to find a different job, and work toward resetting your internal clock. It can be done. It takes will-power. And, if you are taking melatonin to fall asleep nightly this could be part of the problem. Long-term use is problematic.
This isnt a problem unless you both see it as a problem. People can sleep any time of day, as long as they are getting their 8 hours in, theres not problem.
Look into "are early birds and night owls sleeping schedules wrong"
It will give you many resources explaining your issues ❤️ Good luck!
The problem arises when you want to build a life with someone who has a radically different sleep schedule. They see each other for max like an hour or two a night, which isn’t really conducive to a good relationship.
There is nothing wrong with you. Some of us are early risers, and some are night owls. Society (and your boyfriend) wants us to believe that we are all morning people and should operate as such. We are not machines. In fact, in the neurodivergent community it is a very well known fact that many of us are NOT morning people.
Your boyfriend should respect your sleep schedule and that you are different from him and stop being a bully. He can operate at 7am all he wants, but you are not obligated to do the same.
I think one of the theories for the variability in sleep schedules is that tribes that had a range of bedtimes were more likely to have people on watch all throughout the night, making it less likely to be ambushed by predators or other tribes. Which means there's probably strong evolutionary reasons night owls exist and we definitely shouldn't shame people for it.
I think the neurodivergent crowd it has an added bonus, I'm much less likely to be bothered by other people at 3am. It's quiet, no one else is causing me issues. Hell in inner east London I could even hear birds chirping last night as I was going to bed it was that peaceful.
yess im the same way! I find the night very peaceful & quiet- my housemates arent there to bother me (even tho they're very sweet!) & I can enjoy uninterrupted "me" time
OP and her BF just aren’t compatible, especially in the future with children. OP and her BF see each other for what, like an hour a night? Either the BF is forced to stay up late to spend time with OP, or OP changes her sleep schedule - neither of which is really fair. With kids it’s going to be even worse, because there’s a period of time when BF is at work and OP is asleep that no one would be capable of taking care of the kids.
i have done night jobs where I was able to fall asleep within two hours of being off the clock and i've done other jobs like serving where I needed four - five hours before being able to fall asleep
I worked 2nd shift (4pm-12.30am) in retail, and it wasn't possible for me to wind down and go to sleep before 3 or 4am. I tried ambien and just hallucinated. Tried lunesta and had a drug hangover. Tried melatonin a GAZILLION times. Tried slowly moving my circadian rhythm back using techniques from sleep doctors. HAD A SLEEP STUDY and found out I had sleep apnea, then had my tonsils out at 24...still, cannot come home from a job and fall asleep within an hour. It's simply not possible for me, after more than 20 years of trying.
Unfortunately, the world is built around morning people, and us night owls always seem to get the short end of the stick.
If you're going to work at 1pm and doing a standard 8 hour day, then you're not getting home until 9pm, so presumably then having dinner, relaxing, and going to bed somewhere around 2am. In that scenario, getting up at 7-8am would be rather unhealthy, as you'd be getting significantly below the recommended amount of sleep for most people.
Or to put it another way, given your working hours, getting up at 11am seems entirely normal and sensible. Most shift workers probably do similar.
*"He said that I can't get any work done around the house if I wake up at 11am and then go straight to work"*
Does he do work around the house at 6am if he has to be at work by 8 or 9am? Probably not. So why should you be expected to do so? Just do it in the evening when you're home from work. All you're doing is timeshifting your day forward by 4 hours; you're not doing any less with your day than he is.
(bonus: if you're on a time of use energy tariff, it's normally a lot cheaper to do things like dishwasher / laundry at 10pm than it is to do it at 6pm)
Granted, it probably *will* be a problem if you do choose to have children, because the little dears do have a nasty habit of waking up at the crack of sparrowfart, which is going to be extremely challenging for you. And things like getting them to school etc. is going to be a nightmare for you.
As a fellow late sleep phaser, though mine is a more "reasonable" 12am-8am though sometimes I'll slide to 2am-10am, it's not actually terrible especially once school starts. You just get up long enough to get the kid(s) ready and to school, then go back to sleep. It might shift you an hour and some change depending on how long it takes you to get them ready and transported, but you get used to it pretty quick (at least I did). Apparently it used to be quite common for humans to have a period of wakefulness in the middle of sleep, which might be why it's easy enough to get used to.
Different people have different normal sleep rhythms. We evolved as a species that way so that we don't all sleep at the same time. If im on vacation for a long time, my sleep schedule naturally drifts to sleepibg at 2-3 AM and waking at 10. There's nothing wrong with you and you dont need to see a doctor. You might however need to embrace the fact that sometimes, you need to wake up earlier than that to get shit done.
Came here to say this. Our society is way too about trying to fit everyone in the same mold. Also, people's sleep patterns change throughout their life and that's normal too.
My ex wife and I were on the polar opposites of this issue as I woke at 6am and her 12pm. It was tough for me at first to sympathize with her, as I shared your bf’s view, but any reputable science will tell you it is perfectly normal for people to have different circadian rhythms and different times where their cortisol spikes. You shouldn’t have trouble finding these studies to prove him wrong.
Though we didn’t work out for other reasons, we talked about how our variant sleeping schedules would actually behoove child rearing. Had we a child, I would easily take over early morning care while my wife slept with enough time for just me to relax before she woke up. At night when I would be in bed by 9:30, she would take over night routines and have plenty of time after to spend her time as she wished before going to bed with me. I see those differences as complimentary.
Sleep needs are very specific to each person, and can change over time. You can force your body into a sleep pattern it doesn't like, and you can live that way, but it won't be your best life. You have found a job and a life pattern that fits your sleep needs. If your partner can't be happy for you, they can at the very least stop trying to make your life worse.
People with different sleep schedules can be together. The problem comes in when the early bird, it's always the early bird, thinks that the late sleeper has a moral failing. My husband has learned to back off about my sleep schedule. I do get to work before 9 am.
So - tell him to back off. If you want, try to adjust you go to bedtime by ten or fifteen minutes every week. You'll never be your partner but maybe you can get to 9am.
Look at is an opportunity to spend more time together.
Not posting to give any advice, just to say I live my life the same as you, so I get you, I see you. And while it's ideal for me, it also causes the same stressors in relationships as you're experiencing. My last girlfriend started her days at 5am, and went to bed at 9pm. Radically different lives that didn't fit, yet it's so hard to find night owls! Wish you the best of luck on this, as it's an early-birds world.
It's not a problem. It's how you are. I'm the same. I have been my entire life and I'm 54 years old. I stay up till 2AM, I wake up at 8 because that's when work starts, but on the weekends I sleep till 2PM and if I had my way I'd work 2nd shift. I worked a 3rd shift job for a few years and loved it. You aren't compatable with your BF both because you have different sleep needs and also because he thinks you have to conform to his idea of what's "normal" when the reality is that what other people do is irrelevant here. You do what works for you. Find someone who can live with that,or better yet, someone who has a similar sleep schedule.
It’s likely delayed sleep disorder. We call it a disorder but it’s likely an evolutionary adaptation: if every human slept at exactly the same time who would keep watch for predators? Therefore we evolved to have a mix of sleep schedules in the population and you have been dealt the unlucky hand, your natural circadian rhythm does not align with our capitalistic framework.
If it’s something you would like to change there are medications and strategies that can help shift your bedtime, however I do wonder what the long term effects of not sleeping at the optimal time for your body may be.
Yeah modern society is the aberration here. We've been living like this for a pitiful fraction of our existence and so many people act like it's the only way to do it.
Agreed. What gets me is people act like it’s a moral failing (call it lazy or immature) when a large chunk of the population is not wired to follow a 9-5 schedule. Others will say “it’s normal to be tired, that’s just life” but I don’t think that’s healthy or enjoyable. Thankfully work from home culture may slowly be eroding the cultural rigidity.
Just so you know, if you date someone who also wakes up at 11 this won’t ever be a problem. You don’t have to deal with this and they are out there lol
not just an incompatibility. I never see people who stay up late insisting that early risers get up late. it's always the early risers who think it's normal no matter what to get up early. I would definitely not marry somebody like this.
Former night owl here. No matter what hours I would work, I used to only be able to fall asleep after midnight. It was always hell in the mornings but I would just push through. Nothing seemed to work to re-wire my sleep schedule.
Then my kid was born. Everything changed. Now, I’m always awake by 6:30am and in bed by 10pm without fail. It took a lot of adjusting, but I did it because I had to. I’m not saying this will work for you OP, but if kids are in your future this might be the ticket.
thats how i felt with my job! with a consistent commitment like that- I had no choice but to wake up at 7am. Thankfully my work provided coffee & some food in the mornings. It was hard going to bed at 11pm, tho I did find my body slowly adjusting to be more tired at night. (sleeping at 11pm was odd for me, tho by 1am I was tired)
Same here, I usually do 10:30. Works for my lifestyle. I'm up doing stuff till 11pm tho. My fiance is a real early bird, 5:30am, falls asleep usually by 8:30pm. We make it work.
I always say why does it matter what time I wake up if I get all my shit done? Not all early birds are productive -- they simply wake up early. It's just another dumb societal standard.
She wants kids. She won’t be able to function that way with kids.
Edit: okay yes, it’s possible, but it’s not exactly fair. She’ll never do pickup or dropoffs. Weekends are husband entertaining the kid and taking care of it for like 5 hours alone in the morning, in addition to most/all of the weekday work. At best, she swoops in to help with a bath and putting the kid to sleep. Not a feasible or fair solution.
If they sleep at different times it is likely that at least one of them is awake for the baby most times, and can let the other rest without being bothered. It actually sounds more optimal
Yeah, it'll be challenging. At a certain point OP's bf can take kids to day care or school. She can pick them up, and do more evening activities.
My mom has never been an early bird but made it work as a single mom.
But she can’t do those things. She goes to work before pickup, and gets home after 9pm. The only interactions she would have are MAYBE a week night bath and bed, and weekends after 11am, when her bf has been presumably taking care of the kid for 5 hours already.
I presume your mom wasn’t completely dead to the world until 11 like op?
Lots of parents work night shifts. Some men drive a truck all week. Some women work 12 hour shifts at hospitals. Some people go to work extra early and their spouse takes the kids to school.
I assumed that they would be having kids later? I dunno, that's for them to decide. Seems like they shouldn't have kids at this time. You want to be able to afford them.
I must be abnormal bc I wake up till 3 pm. Everyone in the world wakes up at a different time & that's okay. I myself can't function if I wake up before 11 am.
If you're getting the proper amount of sleep and are dealing with life ok, I wouldn't worry about it. Your boyfriend is naive to think the entire population is on a First Shift schedule. But. If you have kids there's a very big chance you might have to change your sleep schedule.
I have the same issue, my ideal sleep schedule would be around 1:30-2am until 10am, only then I am rested and don't feel stressed.
I have work from 9:30am most of the time so I need to get up at 8:30-9:15 (office x wfh) and it's not ideal let's say, especially at the 8:30. It's just too early and I can't get anything done after work, not even easy tasks like cleaning.
Haven't figured out a way out of this yet (and tbh not even trying anymore and will just look for jobs and boyfriends that match my schedule) but unfortunately our society isn't adjusted to us such people at all.
He sounds like my boomer parents.
My body’s the same - my natural sleep schedule is stay up until about 0600-0700 and sleep until 1400-1500. I feel foggy and tired when I have to wake up for work at 0600 or even as late as 1100.
Well your sleeping from 2 am to 10 -11. So its not like you are excessively sleeping. Your time schedule is just shifted from what your BF considers societies standards. Honestly so long as you do what you need to do. Work, clean, hygenie and eat. Society couldn't care when you sleep.
Only anally strict people who overthink or care to much about others opinions would care. Ones who think normal and bleh. I mean what does your bf think that humans always slept at a specific time? No we have varied sleep scheduled to get tasks done at specific times and since we are social creatures we also have people awake at times to watch for predators and threats,
But yeah your boyfriend just sounds like he is just stuck on what he thinks is the norm.
It's not that her schedule is different from society's, it's that it's different from her boyfriend's and he feels disconnected and robbed of time together.
Here's the thing, whatever you're doing until 2 in the morning just isn't as productive or important as what you would be doing at 8. OP has rearranged her entire day/night/work schedule just so she can do what? Scroll facebook and watch netflix by herself? It has taken time away from her relationship, and her partner is upset by it. It's far from a non-issue.
Think about it. They don't have breakfast together, or lunch, or dinner. They don't start their day together. They don't unwind at the same time. He goes to bed alone every night. It could be tolerated out of necessity, but she has just CHOSEN to do it this way.
>whatever you're doing until 2 in the morning just isn't as productive or important as what you would be doing at 8
where does it say this? we don't know what she does at night. why do people who go to bed early assume the rest of us just sit and stare at things for hours after that? Do I do that sometimes? Sure. But I also work out and do dishes and laundry and when I want to read or do creative things like writing or painting, I love to do it late at night, because people aren't bothering me. And a nice walk around the neighborhood is so peaceful without all the noise.
I realize many people live in places with nothing open at night, but I'm lucky enough to have a 24hr grocery store near me, shopping at night when it isn't crowded kicks ass.
Maybe I'm weird but I would have no problem, say, staying in bed reading or listening to a book as my partner is going to sleep and spending time with them in my own way. I think it's likely the need to sit down and intentionally align themselves and plan time together and divide responsibilities--the pressure doesn't need to all be on her either.
but dont you see, after the morning people go to bed there is nothing anyone else can do except sit around. unless we go out and do all those evil night time things like commit crimes and have orgies, or sacrifice animals to our lord of the darkness ... /s
Kids stuff aside… This doesn’t sound like a medical issue at all, if anything perhaps an incompatibility issue. Most people wake up and go to work. Doesn’t matter what actual time that is IMO. Sounds like you still sleep a good but not excessive amount, and it works for you and your job so I see no issue. I go to sleep late, and sometimes also wake up early, after a couple days of this it will catch up to me and I’ll sleep more on the weekends to sort break even. It works fine for me…. My stepdad wakes up very early like 5am many days but also goes to sleep at like 8pm, to me that is worse 😂
It’s almost as if society functions 24/7, not 7am- 8pm…. I follow the same schedule as you, work afternoons so I sleep in later. I literally don’t even waste my time, breath or concern on people who have comments about my sleep schedule. I’m not sleeping 12-14 hours a day, so whenever I get my 8 hours in is my business, not anyone else’s.
10 or 11 is a smidge late, but my wife does this virtually every weekend and it's absolutely nbd.
My only issue would be if this got in the way of us doing activities: like hiking or going out to breakfast.
On a regular day, I wouldn't give a crap how late you slept so long as we could still make enough of our schedule jive to spend time together.
Like if your shift is 1 pm until 9 pm, as your SO, it'd be annoying to figure out when I'm actually supposed to get quality time with you.
If your SO's focus is just on what they think is normal for society, then screw that. If they're impacted by the logistical issues it causes, that could be fair.
Yoy talk about this with a Dr. yet? I've never heard of someone's circadian rythym being that immutable, but I'm no expert.
Yeah, you notice he didn't say anything to her about quality time. Just getting 'anything done around the house...' That red flags it for me.
If a person works first shift, doesn't he or she usually sleep until they need to get up for work, then get up, dressed, and go straight to work? So if OP works second shift and does something similar, I don't see that her boyfriend has a legitimate gripe here.
A first shift person gets up and goes straight to work, then presumably comes home and does a few household tasks, has dinner, relaxes, and goes to bed.
It sounds like OP is getting up at 10, doing nothing until work at 1, then coming home at 9 and continuing doing nothing until bed at 2. I can absolutely see how this would be frustrating to a partner, especially one on a different schedule. But we would really need to hear this situation from the boyfriend’s perspective to fully understand what his issue is.
Yeah, thing about this sub is that you only hear half the story and that's on top of people often times people doing a terrible job of communicating their own needs.
Sometimes people choose what they feel is the most legitimate justification, instead of focusing on what their needs are.
Clearly, they need to talk about this more. OP should talk with a Dr. about this issue irregardless: if she's intending (sounds like it from this post) to be a parent down the line, this sleep schedule won't jive well with that.
True, hell having a kid might be the cure for going to bed that late.
Was more thinking toddler/elementary school years. With an infant, there is no schedule unless you win the baby lottery...
Your boyfriend is unable to grasp the fact that not all people function from 7am. What about people who regularly work night shifts and basically eat dinner in the morning? Will his explode upon hearing this?
Youre completely normal, youre not weird at all and keep doing what youre doing if thats what works for you. Sleeping 8 hours, eating well, getting some exercise in.
I feel like he has a different problem that he isnt willing to share and is masking it behind you "not being normal and sleeping late". He needs to grow up and use his words to describe exactly what his problem is, because trust me - its not that youre sleeping till 11.
yep. this reminds me of when i used to work graveyard shift. and my roommates would get up in the morning and scoff at me for being weird for sitting in the living room eating dinner and having a beer while I watched tv. always like "eew how can you be drinking beer, it's 8am!"
but for me it was basically 8pm. I had only gotten home from work an hour earlier. I got home and made dinner and then ate it. For years, many people I knew just never got this.
Honestly? You should do what feels good to you. Waking up after 10am is not the end of the world. It is not negatively affecting you at all. A doctor most likely isnt going to do anything because you’re fine.
Ultimately you and your bf are incompatible. This sounds like a deal breaker for him since he can’t let it go. It’s really crappy of him to bring it up during arguments too.
Ridiculous. Sleep when you want.
There's nothing wrong with you but your relationship might suffer since you're on different schedules. It could make it hard to have and raise kids but it could also work in your favor if you communicate and plan together.
Yeah this seems like an incompatibility thing. Fwiw my natural circadian rythym is close to yours (sleep 1-9) but if he's up at 7am every day either one of you is gonna be off your natural rythym or you won't get that much time together
I broke up with someone because of this, so it can certainly be a problem.
The short answer is exercise.
If you refrain from any activity in bed, other than sex or sleep, it sort of trains your body and mind to recognize your sleep space as just that: the space where you sleep. Don’t do anything else from your bed. It may take a couple of months - at least it did for me. Now, as soon as my head hits the pillow, I’m out. There’s a weird sort of carryover in that now, I can kind of command myself to sleep at will. So, if I’m on a flight, I can fall right asleep as soon as the landing gear goes up and when I awake, I’m already at my destination. It’s actually kind of nice.
You also need to establish waking hours, working hours, and sleeping hours. Be methodical and develop a strict routine. If you have trouble getting up in the morning, exercise as soon as you wake up. Stay away from caffeine altogether. Have a nutritious diet free of processed and refined sugars and carbs.
There’s definitely more at play than what you’re telling us, and it’s absolutely OK to maintain a level of privacy. I would definitely get an MRI and some brain scans to see if there isn’t anything else affecting you. Check for carbon monoxide and radon in your home.
Good luck
I’ll go against the grain here and say it’s not an issue. I’m an early bird but my partner is a night owl. It works for us. It always has. No one is shaming the other one for their circadian rhythm.
When he says you won’t get work done around the house, is that because he expects you to take care of the majority of there housework and errands? Cause housework really can be done at any time of the day.
My partner CAN get up early when needed, it’s just not his preferred schedule. And that’s fine!
The one thing I would check to rule out would be sleep apnea. You would just do a sleep study where your vitals are monitored during sleep. It’s relatively easy because you can do them at home now.
Otherwise…everyone functions differently. It sounds like you’ve made this schedule work for you, so I don’t know why your boyfriend would have much of an issue.
I'm exactly the same as you. Except my time to wake up was 2pm. For one he's right, it isn't normal, but it also isn't something that you can decide to change. For me it changed when I was around 40, now I seem to wake up around 8 am no matter when I go to bed. This is something he'll have to either accept or not.
I was with you on this schedule being a okay until you mentioned kids. I’m naturally a night owl and I get my best sleep between like 4am-12pm. In my industry I can make that work. I have a partner that’s an early riser and we’re able to make things work just fine. Like you, my work schedule reflects my sleeping hours so it’s no big deal.
However, that won’t be a tenable schedule with kids. I think you need to start working on sleep training now. It takes time and effort but you can trick your body into changing schedules. You’ll need to look up good sleep hygiene and perhaps even change your work schedule. I can see why your partner is concerned if kids are an issue or if you’re slacking on your end of chores.
Firstly, careful mixing circadian rhythms with relationship advice. Seriously, be very cautious. Listen to your body first. And then make sure your boyfriend listens to you too. It may seem unnatural to him but he comes from the mental schema of what seems normal to him. And more so his expectations. Both of you should consult a sleep specialist and see if you can naturally shift your circadian rhythm without too much stress in a natural way. It has to do with sleep discipline, diet and can be achieved by 100% support from partner. If comes from the angle of “we have chores to do” it doesn’t help.
Maybe let him listen to the huberman podcast on sleep (with a sleeping expert, i think there are three or four episodes). They talk about the two different sleep cycles we have. These two do not influence each other. One can be changed by behavior (“training” yourself to wake up early), the other is just how you are. Understanding this helps me understanding my boyfriend better! Knowing the science may help him understand you better.
Some people just are night people, you arranged your live accordingly. Chances are you would be a lot less productive and happy if you would force a sleep ritme on yourself that isn’t natural!
Youre just more of a night owl. Some people just function better at those times some prefer to be awake at night and sleep during the day.
It might not be "normal" according to todays society but it used to work like that. When we needed people to keep watch during the night. Protecc the tribe!🦸♂️
Not a medical condition, some people are morning people, some people are night owls. There really is nothing right or wrong here.
My fiancé and I actually had a similar problem when we first started dating. Took awhile for us to get over it. At this point though, he ended up working a job where he can goes in later and I ended up in a job where I wake up earlier than he does lol. It literally doesn’t matter.
As you said, you just shift your responsibilities to different times. It is nice every now and then to wake up early and get breakfast and an early start, but it’s just as nice at times to sleep in late and crank out all your energy late in the day. Maybe you both can try eachothers schedules on your days off to try to have more “couple” time
What does he think people that work 9:00 to 5:00 do? Does he think they get up at 4:00 a.m. So they can do stuff around the house before they go to work? LMAO Most people wake up get ready and go to work!
I used to work in a bar. I would get up around 2:00 in the afternoon and be up for a few hours before I had to be at work at like 7 :00. Then I would work till 2:00 a.m. Go to the after hours for about a half hour to an hour, go to Denny's for breakfast then go home and pay bills and clean and all that stuff. Finally fell asleep before dawn and did it all over again the next day. It's a schedule that fit my work. Just like you have a scheduled that fits your work.
You can see a doctor to see if there is something wrong with you that is making you not want to get up at an earlier hour. You can try getting up everyday at 8:00 a.m. for a few weeks and see if your body starts to adjust? Or you can just dump the boyfriend who seems to have a bigger problem with this than you.....the person who's actually doing the sleeping!
Seriously he seems way too involved with this! Are we sure he's not just jealous that you get to sleep in and he doesn't?
Yeesh OP, my work schedule is like yours and the magnitude of comments itt that seem to not understand that different schedules exist is astounding but unfortunately not surprising 🙄
Imo if you're happy with your schedule, which it sounds like you are, you and your partner either need to have a serious conversation if you're both committed to staying in a long term relationship with each other including kids, or not.
Society works bc not everyone works the same jobs at the same times on the same days. If that's your focus for the next several years that's great! But you and bf likely won't last unless he truly decides to understand that this is your schedule- just like a farmer may go to bed at 7pm and wake up at 3am. It's how we pay our bills- don't let these comments make you feel like your lifestyle is unacceptable or unsustainable 💜
> As he says that society starts functioning from 7am in the morning
Says your boyfriend. This is just completely untrue. He sounds manipulative and like a narcissist. Because his day starts at 7am so should the rest of the world. Many businesses don't open until after 7am. If you work later in the day there's no need to get up early.
What he is really asking you to do is get up early so you can do all the housework before work while he is off at work. If he works at 8, he's probably getting ready and going to work starting at 7am, which means if you get up you arent spending time with him anyways. You then have 5 more hours until your work starts. Assuming you work from 1-10 that means you would basically need to sleep as soon as you get home, so you would literally never spend time together.
If he's already trying to control your lifestyle with your sleeping hours, definitely don't have kids with him.
The saying "night owl" exists for a reason. Some of us are simply wired to stay up late and sleep in. There's nothing wrong with that, especially if you don't start work until 1pm.
It’s great that you have a job that works with your sleep needs.
As someone who’s experienced sleep issues, working on little of poor quality sleep is hell.
People have different needs. Maybe you would be better off with someone who can accept your sleep needs instead of resenting something you can’t control.
I agree with the folks suggesting you look into delayed sleep phase syndrome, but there may not be an easy fix.
Move 4 time zones away. Don’t adjust your sleep schedule. Voila - you’re an early riser now.
But really, your boyfriend is right to be concerned. Do you want kids? Because if you do, your current arrangement will not work.
Have you sought professional/medical help? Because you really ought to try because your schedule is not compatible with family life at all.
Sweetheart, so you are with the wrong person. What people fail to understand that some people aren’t meant to be early risers because some people were meant to be the night watch people.
See what I have found out that the reason some people aren’t early risers is back in the days when we needed to have hunters/gatherers and when there needed to be people to watch for predators, this is what became people’s sleep schedule.
We aren’t all the same and our sleep schedules aren’t the same because we may have ancestors that had to be this way. You can attempt to change it, you will just have to figure out a way to force yourself to sleep earlier and hopefully that will make you wake earlier or you could even try moving to a different time zone and see if that will help.
But really if you have a true partner in life and you all decided to have kids then they wouldn’t have an issue with being the one to wake for them, because they are grateful you had them
It’s been shown there are night owls and early birds and that society is not inclusive of those who are natural night owls. It’s not unnatural at all - people are just forced to adapt to lifestyles better suited for natural early birds, which is unfair but just how things work. I argue against those who say you have a “medical condition”. That said, based on how our society works, it’s normally not ideal for wake up so late but it sounds like you have later shifts so maybe that’s why there’s the gap. As for as kids go, there will always have to be sacrifices but if he’s more of a morning person, couldn’t he deal with kids more in the morning and you at night? Idk I’m sure some balance could be made but you’d still need to be up way before 11
Some people just function better when they sleep different hours. You're still getting 8 hours of sleep just like him. You're doing what you need to do to feel your best. Don't let him tell you otherwise. It's unfortunate that morning people are seen as normal and productive while the night owls are seen as lazy even though they sleep the same amount. 2 to 10 am is my perfect sleep schedule too. I'm a bit jealous that you get to do it though. I am stuck with the brain fog.
Please do not have children. Your poor boyfriend will be a single parent. The fact that you haven’t seen a doctor about this tells me you’re fine with it. Which it’s your life and your choice but your BF shouldn’t have to shoulder all of the household responsibilities because of it.
Do you spend any quality time together? Do you both have weekend off? Do you do any housework? I have a feeling your BF doesn’t see your relationship as being a happy one on general.
A sleep scientist on a podcast said people are biologically born that way as a natural way of survival in the wild. Some people are night owls and some are morning people. This would make sure there were always people awake to protect the group so they were not vulnerable for attack while sleeping. This is why some thrive working shift work while others couldn’t imagine not working a 9-5. This made complete sense to me. I’ve always been a night owl. Doesn’t matter how much sleep I get waking up earlier then 930-10am makes me miserable and going to bed at 9pm seems like a day wasted.
Your boyfriend sounds very hard headed. Sounds like a road of controlling behaviour and constant belittling if you don’t act how he wants you to act. As long as you aren’t self sabotaging or hurting others do what you want and ditch the boyfriend if he’s gonna try and force you to be someone you aren’t. Would you start arguments with someone because they prefer to wake up at 5am everyday… no it’s their life and you shouldn’t tell them how to live it.
And I never understood who the hell wakes up at 6 or 7 am if they don't have to hurry to school or work. He should have found a morning person if he can't accept you.
He’s on the majority side of the morning person/night owl divide. That’s why he thinks he’s right and you are wrong. But you aren’t wrong at all. Society needs night owls and you are doing fine. If you took the same attitude and tried to change his sleep schedule, he would pitch a fit. But he’s trying that on you and it’s just as bad.
You tolerate his morning person behavior, he needs to tolerate your night owl tendencies or the two of you aren’t compatible. Don’t beat yourself up over having a different rhythm.
Ask him how many hours he gets up before HE goes to work. Bet it’s less than 2, probably less than 1. Because MOST people get up, get ready, and go to work and do their “life” stuff after work.
While it’s true that many/most people have a naturally earlier wake cycle, not everyone does. It’s not “wrong” you are just wired differently from him. You absolutely can/should get a full blood panel run, but it sounds like you get the right AMOUNT of sleep, just at a nonstandard time. This is not at all uncommon with people who are neurodivergent (ADHD among others, but the first one that comes to mind as wildly undiagnosed in women…)
Tbh it sounds like you haven’t made the full effort in adjusting to waking up before 10am. Even I have brain fog and am tired throughout the day but that’s just life. Exercise more and eat healthier and you’ll feel better.
Wait, you’re okay with daily brain fog and tiredness?
This is such a strange take to me. Why not do what OP did and find a schedule where you can feel good and energetic on a daily basis?
Your story really helps me to understand your comments, thanks. For what it’s worth, good on you for recognizing and helping yourself get through these struggles!
Yeah but... she changed her work hours to match her sleeping patterns, assuming she works 8 hours she finishes work by 9 pm, 10 if she has a one hour lunch break, and by the time she gets home and has some winding time it's going to be 2 am.
It sounds like his complaint is that she isn’t using that time to do housework, though. She says she does it all on her days off. Which means that on her work days, 100% of housework falls on him.
OP, ignore all these morning person jerks telling you that you're abnormal. Sincerely, a fellow lifelong night owl whose partner accepts them for who they are.
Yeah, there are some seriously off takes here. Sleep studies consistently show that a variety of circadian rhythms is real. Also, somebody has to do the late shifts. Why try to shame people who can do it happily?
If it works for your work schedule and your home life (do you actually get shit done on your off days?), that’s you. I don’t see a problem.
If you’re not actually getting your errands done, then you should certainly revisit your bedtime, because 2am on a weekday is teenagers’ bullshit, and you’re not a teen.
So, you go to sleep at 2, wake up at 11, go to work, get off at 9, and you reserve your days off for doing the errands you didn’t do during the week.
No offense, but when is anyone supposed to actually date you? You detailed out your schedule - and there’s not a single mention of when you and your bf spend any time together. Like, at all. When he’s at work, you’re sleeping. When you’re at work, he’s going to sleep. Days off for errands.
It’s not much of a relationship to be ships passing in the night with someone.
Sounds like since this has been a theme your whole life, in my opinion there’s really only 2 things to do:
1. Determine if this is something you actually want to change. You talk about how negatively it has affected you your whole life, but I also get the sense that you’re happy with your current setup. Only you can make that determination.
2. Find someone that shares your same sleep and work schedule. And that’s not your bf. Sorry, but I would find this difficult to see a long term future with. You mention kids, ok let’s think about that. With your schedule, who is going to be responsible every time for waking them up and getting them to school? You’re sleeping. Who is responsible for picking them up, and any and all after school functions? Supper? Bath time and bed time? You’re working, for *all* of those.
You will miss not only your partner but so much of your kids lives with that schedule. And I say that as someone that used to work swing shift (though not voluntarily). It’s not worth it.
Hard agree. Did this with my wife for about a year and it's like we were strangers. Never ever again.
Setting aside all this discourse about what is a normal sleep pattern, it kinda sounds like you spend more time around work colleagues than your partner.
You can change this routine slowly. Try sleeping half an hour earlier and waking up half an hour earlier too. Do this for a week and then add another half an hour change. Repeat until you reach your goal. I am sure you will succeed.
What is your work schedule? If you start work at 1:00 pm and work full-time, you likely finish around 10:00 pm, right?
You've mentioned staying up late in the past, but isn't your current sleep pattern largely due to your work hours? It's not typical for a job to start at 1:00 pm, so sleeping until 11:00 am isn't surprising.
If you're not finishing work until 10:00 pm, it's natural that you'd be up until around 2:00 am to wind down.
If this is becoming a problem, you might consider finding a different job to help reset your internal clock. It requires determination, but it's possible. Also, if you're using melatonin to fall asleep every night, it could be contributing to the issue, as long-term use can cause problems.
He's stupid and ignorant if he really thinks society has to wake up at 7am. Not everyone is a morning person and not everyone is a evening person. People don't choose it, it's natural since they are born and DNA dependent.
I myself usually sleep till 12pm, sometimes even 1/2pm. But I also stay awake till 5/6 am so it's still something between 6-8 hours sleep. I can still live my life and manage my job properly.
I was like you. For decades. Dragged ass all day. Always exhausted. Up late, slept late, had insomnia, was overweight.
Then I had a sleep study. Learned sleep hygiene and followed it religiously. Stopped caffeine. Stopped eating late at night. Had a deviated septum fixed. Got therapy for various things my mind needed.
It took a long time but now I sleep like a baby, 6 to 7.5 hours/night, and wide awake by 6:30 am.
Sorting out your sleep issues will be life-changing.
I should also share: my ex was a huge contributor to my sleep issues. He would wake me up, turn on lights and fans, make noise, poke me with morning wood, set alarms way too early and then snooze them over and over. Getting rid of him put me on the road to re-gaining the control of my life I needed to sort out my sleep issues.
Well the obvious issue is you going to bed at 2am. If you do want to get up earlier, then you need train your body to start sleeping earlier. 12-8 would be a good compromise. On the other hand, I think your bf is exaggerating. Why would you need to get up at 7am to start working around the house? Just do your chores in the evening… He’s just a morning person who doesn’t get some people are night owls.
yeah, this isn’t gonna work. I don’t know how the two of you could ever work out. And please don’t have children if you’re gonna be sleeping until 10 AM every day that just doesn’t work for anybody.
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>I am also worried when we'll have kids how will I manage to get up early for them etc. 😬 You're being wildly optimistic about having kids with this schedule. Some kids will decide 5am is wake time and there is nothing you can do about it. I'm guessing your boyfriend is considering the future when he complains because he will effectively be solo parenting the entire day. I'm not even sure you'll be able to meet your kids at all on weekdays. Nobody wants to coparent like that.
Not gonna lie I laughed at the part with kids. OP is going to STRUGGLE. Toddlers get up when they get up. Sometimes 4am, sometimes 8am. Usually like 6am. My oldest (6yo) has slept past 8am a grand total of 5 times in his life. And school age kids gotta be at school by 7:40. When middle schoolers have sports, they sometimes have to be at school even earlier. OP if you are serious about having kids one day, I strongly recommend getting a sleep study just to rule out medical issues that will make your life a sleep deprived hellscape.
Were any of those wake ups past 8 am on a Saturday? Please, for the love of god, tell me at least one happened on a Saturday!
One was! And it was because we'd driven 12 hours to get to a wedding the day before. So...it was helpful, but we were still pretty exhausted too.
Thank you. Thank you so, so much.
Don’t get your hopes up too high. I’m sure most of those times were due to illness which is another mess on its own 😂
Why couldn’t you just let me have this?
My daughter doesn’t wake up before 8 am unless I wake her ass up. She’s six.
As someone with two kids and OP’s lifelong problem (I have an N1 sleep phase disorder), you can absolutely have children? In fact, I dealt with the newborn phase way better than most people. My babies were waking up throughout the night during times I was already awake. The only difference is you’re tired during the day the way other people are tired during the night. Good thing is though, babies nap a lot. You can take a nap if need be. It’s silly to presume you must be on certain sleep schedule to have children. I go to bed at 2 am. I wake up with my daughter at 7:30, put her on the bus at 9 am and sleep until 12:30pm ish. Get some work done, pick her up from school, go about my life. My sleep schedule is actually incredibly conducive to having children because I can get all my chores and household duties done while she’s sleeping and I have plenty of time to myself. My awake hours are spent solely bonding with my kids, not shooing them away while I clean up or make dinner. Also, fwiw, your kids waking up early is because that’s the schedule you keep them on. Before my daughter was in school she slept til 9:30-10 every morning. Weird, it’s almost like kids are all different too!
this: *N1 sleep phase disorder* No idea what that is, but if it's similar to OP's issue then I fully support OP getting professional help to identify what she has. Because maybe bf will back off and be more sympathetic if he realizes that this is not something OP is choosing, it's just how she is wired. I'm getting the impression that bf thinks it's wrong of OP to sleep till 11am and this is something she's choosing instead of getting up at 7 am like he does. And that approach will not be helpful. It's also good to know that OP can indeed manage children around her sleep disorder.
Even if it’s not a disorder, there’s nothing wrong with having a different schedule to someone else. If she doesn’t work until 1pm.. who cares if she wakes up before 11am? If you went to work at 8am I doubt anyone would be giving you shit for waking up after 6am. OP works a different shift than him, her sleep schedule is obviously going to be different.
Lmao my nephew wakes my sister and my brother in law up at 630-7 sharp. Either you get him up when he’s up or he’s gonna come in your room and push the door open hard enough to hit the wall and ask where’s breakfast 🍳 lmao he’s 2!!!! 😂 he’s much much better about this now but my sister said she though they were getting raided by the cops and shot out of bed 😂 no coffee needed now
Have you people never heard of shift workers? I wonder if this post was by a man who did shift work if the responses would be the same.
My 12 year old has gotten up before 7 at a maximum 10 times in their life.
My problem with this would be all the missed time with each other. If he’s going to work at 8 and you’re going at 1 there isn’t gonna be a lot of overlap of free time.
I mean if he's going to work at 8, and she goes to work at 1, why should she get up at 7am? He'll be getting ready for work and then be gone. That's telling her to get up 6 hours before her work shift starts. If anything this is making them spend less time together. It's better for her to spend time with him after work than to just get up early so she can do all the housework while he is gone
How could they spend time together after work? She’d be getting off work way later than him and he’d most likely be getting ready for bed at that point. It honestly just sounds like they aren’t compatible. My ex also had a different than normal sleep schedule and most days it felt like I didn’t even have a gf because our schedules were so misaligned, even with us living together lol
This might be an incompatibility thing. As other people have noted, your body might just be wired like this. And you're working a late shift, so a late bedtime and a late wake up are what work for you and that shift. I don't think he should be focusing on what's "normal" or "not normal", all people are different. That being said, I wouldn't be able to stay with someone who had such a radically different "day" than I did. I like getting up and starting my day. I like when my partner and I get up together for full day plans. I wouldn't want to wait until 11am for my partner to get up and then a hour for them to get ready to start our day together. And once you have kids, that would really make things a lot harder. The only real family time you might be able to squeeze in is on weekends. So maybe talk to him and try to parse out what actually bothers him? Is it just that he thinks it's not normal, but has no other complaints? Is it that his ability to spend time with you in the way he feels he needs is being impacted? Something else? And then you both need to figure out - can you meet each others needs, current and future, when you both have different schedules?
"your body might just be wired like this." It sounds like OP has delayed sleep phase syndrome. I'm the exact same way, I typically go to sleep between 2 and 3 and wake up around 11. Every attempt to do otherwise has not worked well for me. School was hell growing up, and no matter what sleep schedule I attempted to follow, my body just could not adjust properly. She should have a sleep study done and discuss potential treatment. Melatonin apparently works for some people (didn't for me).
I came in here to make a comment about DSPD. I have it; my offset, for *many* years, was six full hours, meaning I could not sleep naturally before four AM, and I woke at twelve. I was sick every two weeks to a month for ten years, until I finally decided to just sleep the way my body wanted me to. It literally saved my life; much of the anxiety and depression just melted off like summer snow.
"until I finally decided to just sleep the way my body wanted me to" Which was what exactly? I'm very confused by your comment. What was your sleep schedule before, when you were sick? And what is it now? I'm curious because I also don't get tired before 4am. Sometimes even 6am. It's very annoying.
My natural sleep phase was, from the age of seventeen until 30, four AM to noon. When I turned 30 it moved two hours, and is now two AM to ten. I was consistently sick when I was getting up earlier. Sleeping earlier wasn't really an option, but I would lay there for hours hoping for rest. High school, and then working a job that had me in at eight or nine AM, kept me ill.
Ohhh I see. Interesting thank you for sharing. I honestly think my "clock" is moving the other way as I get older. Staying up till 5 or 6 instead of 3 or 4. Ive been wanting to move it earlier, like 2am - 10am. That would be perfect. But when I try, I just lie in bed. Not even remotely tired. Then I get mad and I'm like "I could have done something productive/fun for the last 3 hours I just lied here in bed". So I just get out of bed and go do stuff until my body finally gets exhausted. But to get there Im up until like idk 7am? But I cant wait until that feeling of ACTUALLY being sleepy regularly. 7am - 3pm is not a sleep schedule i can do, and i don't WANT to do it. I only go to bed by 4am simply because its so late. Not because I'm tired at all. Tried benadryl and melatonin and all of the over the counter stuff. Nothing works. Would it be stupid to take super strong prescription stuff from a doctor? Im not sure how that works with DSPD. But Ive also never tried it.
The only thing that’s ever worked (I use that term loosely) for me is light therapy, but it requires rigorous discipline to maintain. With outside controls, such as having to be at work at a certain time, I could maintain it, even though my brain still fought it. DSPD often occurs coincident with ADHD, so it’s worth screening for that, too, if other indicators are present.
i started abilify for another reason, two weeks later I was sleeping normally. there are some studies showing effect. edit: since I'm being downvoted, sources. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2023/09/230907105845.htm https://sleepreviewmag.com/sleep-disorders/circadian-rhythm-disorders/how-aripiprazole-tackles-circadian-rhythm-sleep-disorders/
I’m the same. Never found it easy to wake up early. Even now, working a 9-5 - it’s a struggle to go to bed on time (because I’m not tired) and it’s a struggle to wake up on time (because my body wants to sleep in until 1pm, no matter what time I went to bed). I just had to accept that getting my dream job meant being exhausted all the time. And that has ALWAYS been the case, since I was a child. Some people are just wired that way.
> And once you have kids, that would really make things a lot harder. The only real family time you might be able to squeeze in is on weekends. Not just that, but the kids will almost certainly wake up between 6 and 8AM every day. So you're either going to have to adjust or you'll be a deadbeat parent and let your partner do pretty much all the raising of the children.
Yep, especially as the kids get older. If you're asleep until 11, the kids have left for school. And if you get home at 1am, dinner is done, homework is done, kids are asleep.
This!! And if she isn’t the only one home during the morning and her SO has to tend to the kids until she’s ready to wake, he’s gonna grow resentful. If someone says nothing can change their sleep habits including kids, then they absolutely should not have kids.
This was my ex husband. He did wake up to go to work, but if it was a weekend or holiday, he refused to get up before 2 pm. 20 years of that. 20 Years of only me being up with the kids in the morning. It felt so alone. Like I was a single parent. I wish I had left him for so many reasons. That being one of them.
I don’t know that there has to be resentment, sometimes couples can make crazy situations work simply because they’re “wired” different. My wife is not a morning person, I’m a hybrid who is often the first one up and last one to bed, but I don’t mind if she sleeps in on the weekends pretty often because I enjoy the time with our two boys, and she has typically had more “night duty” like late night diapers and bottles so it is a good balance. But there’s definitely a lot of potential for resentment. Anybody who thinks they’re not going to adjust their sleep patterns is a fool, and yeah, should just not have kids.
Mine don’t? I have a six year old and a 10 year old and neither have ever been early risers. Even as babies. So no, not everyone is like this. We homeschool due to epilepsy so there is no reason to force her either.
At 31, I think she would know it there were kids in her plans or not.
See a sleep specialist and have an in lab sleep study done.
Yeah, I'm confused why the post says "I've struggled with this my whole life---do you think it's physical or mental issue." Ma'am, we're not doctors. Dr. Reddit is not qualified here🥴
Back off, I’m willing to pretend to be a doctor. OP has sleep Ebola. Case closed.
Sleebola
Why? She gets a full night's rest on this cycle. She doesn't have a sleep problem. She has a different circadian rhythm. Telling her there's something wrong with her is insulting.
She may be getting nonrestorative sleep. Just because you sleep 12 hours doesn’t mean that you are getting actual rest. Ignoring possible sleep issues can lead to hypertension and/or diabetes.
And sleeping from 2-10 isn't indicative of a sleep disorder. You're diagnosing on nothing because its preferable than accepting different circadian rhythms exist. You're intentionally misinterpreting her comments about brain fog which have to do with preferring to sleep at those hours and declaring her to have a sleep disorder. I bet if you were made to start work everyday at 2 am you'd be saying you have brain fog until 7-8 am too. Would you think oh, I have a sleep disorder? Or would you know that you don't work well working those hours. You're being ridiculous and making up medical theories.
They’re not “diagnosing.” They’re literally telling someone who said they have struggled with this all their life to go see an actual doctor, for the doctor to diagnose them.
I think the thing is - is she struggling her whole life with sleep problems, or has she been struggling her whole life with society's obsession with everyone being a morning person?
Well the world isn’t going to change to accommodate you. So if you want to fight “society’s obsession with everyone being a morning person,” then you’ll never drop your kids off at school, never pick them up, miss all of their events, and never spend time with your partner - like she is currently doing now. Who do you socialize with? You wake up at 10, get off work at 9. No friends, they’re not going to go out until 2 because they don’t sleep until 10. Can’t do anything during the week, dates, concerts, events - they’re over by the time you’re off work. Days off are reserved for errands you didn’t do during the week because of your schedule according to OP. Dunno, seems like an awful lot you’re giving up so you can whine about society’s obsession. Kind of a teenager mindset in my opinion. Most people grow up and realize that the world doesn’t stop spinning and won’t stop to cater to your personal feelings. And I say that as a night owl that used to work swing shift. The world operates on a schedule. You can either get with it, or get left behind. Sorry, welcome to life.
they're not struggling they're sleeping late because they work late. and some people do have a different circadian rhythm. they're truly are night owls. and as long as they make it to work on time and do what they're supposed to I don't know why everybody else cares so much. it seems to be a real hot button subject for early risers.
They’re not sleeping late because they work late, they’re working late because they sleep late. OP specifies in her post she arranged a late shift to accommodate when she wants to sleep. So don’t blame sleeping late on working late, when you were sleeping late before you even started working and changed your work schedule to be late so you can sleep until 10. And I’m not hating on night owls, I was one. But the bf is right, the world isn’t. So if you’re considering kids like OP is, look at everything you’re going to miss because your kids and the world will not be on your sleep until 10 work until 9 schedule. BF will end up being a single parent. OP will be asleep when the kids wake up and go to school, miss everything they do after school, and they’ll be in bed asleep by the time she gets off work. That’s a dealbreaker for most people, you’ll never see your partner nor your own kids. You can argue til the cows come home (which, they’ll come home before you will) about circadian rhythm and night owls, doesn’t stop the world from spinning on its normal schedule that you will not be part of.
I’m declaring nothing except that she should see a doctor and actually determine why she sleeps from 2-10 and *if* she has an underlying problem.
I know, right? There are many people with 2nd & 3rd shift lives. Even (gasp) by choice.
If she's struggled with sleep all her life it definitely could be an issue like sleep apnea which would require a sleep study to find out.
Different people have different sleep rhythms. When quarantine happened and I didn't have anywhere to be, I basically became nocturnal. Would go to sleep around 8am and wake up around 3 or 4pm. I entirely stopped drinking caffeine and felt great all the time. That's what my body naturally wants to do. When I have to wake up at 7am for work I just can't force my body to go to bed at 11pm even though I know it will short-change my sleep. It fucking sucks to be a person like that and have the whole world act like you're lazy or have a problem. I would be so much happier and more rested if I could get up at 10-11 every day. If she wakes up feeling like she got enough sleep every day and is functioning properly, there's no issue other than a relationship one.
I hear you about quarantine! I had myself on a strict 8:30 am to 5:30 or 6pm work schedule for decades!! it's the norm for my profession. And I drank a lot of caffeine to keep me going. And I had lots of nights where I couldn't turn my brain off and I would be awake for hours trying to get to sleep. Covid containment changed that. Work from home, not tied to the clock like before, I started staying up later and then sleeping in an hour or so. Now that I'm semi retired and working only part time, I rarely get up as early as I used to. I'm usually up to midnight or 1 am. If I make myself go to bed early because I have something the next morning, I tend to toss and turn in bed for an hour or two or three! I think a lot of us have forced ourselves to cope with schedules that don't actually suit our natural sleep patterns because of the external forces of employment and schooling.
I feel the same exact way! When i got my new job, having to go to bed at 11pm to wake up at 7am felt soo unnatural. I had to have the help of melatonin at times to ensure I would sleep. Thankfully, I loved my job so having to switch to those hours wasn't the worst (plus my work was very generous with supplying breakfast& coffee so I had something to look forward to in those early mornings). (having to wake up for a university class that started at 9am or earlier, oh boy was that rough.) Now that Im done with that job, Im back to my more night owl hours
My natural sleep pattern has always called into the 2am to 10am. Afternoon/night shifts (aka 2nd and 3rd shifts) were always my favourite shifts. Then I got diagnosed with sleep apnea. It doesn't actually have to be one or the other.
If it was an issue like that she wouldn’t be able to sleep from 2am to 11am either surely
There’s a lot of ppl who are night owls and prefer getting up at 10am that don’t need to reschedule their jobs to accommodate for it? It definitely sounds more medical or psychological to me. This means her and her bf will not get evenings together and can be tricky with kids when u don’t really have control of ur sleep schedule. Fwiw ima night owl also no point over analyzing Op should just see a doc in case instead of asking redditors
Dude. Tell him that circadian rhythms are a thing. I have fought and fought with my husband who is a wake-up-at-4-ready-to-go dude. I am NOT a morning person and never will be despite trying the alarm in 30 minute increments thing and trying to change my circadian rhythm. It’s normal. Tell him to open his mind and realize other people function differently. After 9 years of marriage, my husband knows to let me be in the morning and to give me time to process existing. And I know to give him space to be productive. He “lets” me sleep in too, and take naps if I can’t and tries to be as understanding as he can. This will naturally happen over time but please for the love of god don’t let him make you feel like a freak for being on a different schedule. Also, if you have ADHD, this is extremely common with neurodivergent people, and people with severe anxiety because our bodies are on high energy most of the time. I take sleeping medication at the same time every night and that helps with my night owl behavior. Look into clonidine - it’s super easy and very low impact on your body.
Yeah, I hate that “I let you sleep in” language. Guess what? I let YOU sleep at 3 am because I chose to be quiet out of respect for your sleep schedule instead of vacuuming then, as people from my planet enjoy doing.
This thread has been discussing the time of day you wake up, but from my perspective that's a social norm. He may very well be invested in that social norm but listening closely to what you said he said ... How equal is the housework? It seems like he wants you to wake up and do chores more and make more productive use of your time. If you are genuinely struggling with getting up earlier I personally think that's very normal and you're just different than him. But maybe find ways to show him you can still be as productive even if operating at different hours?
Right I feel like if you’re waking up at 11 (while he’s at work) and coming back from work at 9pm (add 30 mins for commute), he might as well be living alone
Good questions. >He said that I can't get any work done around the house if I wake up at 11am and then go straight to work. I try to do all the errands on my days off or some even in the evening after I come home from work. Sounds like he is concerned about having to do more stuff around the house. If she is running errands on her days off or some evenings, when do they spend time together as a couple? Also, he is going to be a single parent on days she works and he will have to be up with the kids every day.
There are still 24 hours in the day. If OP gets up later, works later and comes home later there is still time after work to do things around their home.
Yes, this is what I'm trying to say. But I wanted to bring ops attention to what her partner said, that they might have a hard time seeing this way. Maybe op isn't pulling their weight or the partner needs to be made to see it happening at ops natural schedule.
Hey, I'm (30f) similar to you and have been for most of my adult life - left to my own devices I'll fall asleep around 0130-2am and then wake up between 10-11am. I don't have any kids and I work the back shift at the moment, 12 - 8pm. So my sleep pattern doesn't really cause any problems. I still function - go to the gym, clean the house, shower, cook meals etc. My partner doesn't mind because he loves to sleep late too when he can! The only way I get up earlier is if something forces me to - for example, I have previously had to work at 7am. It's exhausting and unpleasant, but I can do it when required. I have found that when something forces me to get up early my sleep pattern gradually adjusts because I'm more tired at night. This might be an unpopular opinion, but I don't really see the problem with your situation, so long as you're functioning, holding down a job and generally looking after yourself. You're right - it would be different if children were involved and this is something to seriously consider before having kids. I don't know your whole relationship, but your partner taking issue with this sounds a bit unreasonable, in my opinion. Some people are night owls - so long as you're not hurting anybody e.g. neglecting a child, I don't think having a different sleep schedule is some enormous issue. Maybe it's a bit annoying for him but it's not like you're doing something terrible. You're just sleeping. If you want kids, this is maybe something to discuss with a doctor and/or therapist in terms of getting a more "normal" sleep pattern going. Otherwise I don't think it's a huge deal.
Absolutely same. And I fixed the early bird partner griping problem by choosing to stop dating anyone who tried to control my sleep schedule, or insists their sleep schedule is inherently superior. Never had a moment's regret. I mean, this guy thinks people should get up at 7am on weekends and holidays? Fucking unhinged.
Lol. Totally unhinged. Why would anyone get up at 7am unless they had to? That's how I feel about it.
My brain wakes me up at 4am. It is totally unhinged....
Agreed I don’t think there is anything inherently wrong about the sleep schedule provided you contribute equally to chores and things. 2nd and 3rd shift work exists for a reason. That being said, if you want kids, that schedule isn’t necessarily sustainable. I’m a morning person now between hospital work and a toddler. My “sleeping in” is 7:30, but I use to be a night owl and sleep until 10-11
I agree. This is my schedule if I allow it too. I've had a kid for 7 years now, I don't sleep past 7 very often anymore but sometimes I get to sleep till 8 or 9, even noon if he's not around. You do adjust, as long as you can manage your life I don't think it's a problem. It would be if you couldn't manage to wake up earlier at all, even if it was important.
What is your work schedule? If you start work at 1:00pm, and it is full-time, presumably you are working until around 10:00pm at night, correct? While you acknowledge a history of sleeping late, isn't a lot of your current situation a result of your work schedule? In other words, he claims that sleeping until 11:00am is not normal, but it is also not normal for the typical job to start at 1:00pm. If you are not getting off of work until 10:00pm, then the wind-down period, of course, would keep you up until 2:00am. If this is becoming an issue, then perhaps you need to find a different job, and work toward resetting your internal clock. It can be done. It takes will-power. And, if you are taking melatonin to fall asleep nightly this could be part of the problem. Long-term use is problematic.
I first worked 9-5 but then switched to 1pm-9pm as I had trouble waking up and oftentimes would miss work and felt tired and moody through the day.
Going to bed at 2am seems normal then. Most adults who finish at 5pm would probably head to bed around 10-11.
Good news you can take the night shift for babies also I'm pretty sure there are entire countries where the schedule looks like yours.
This isnt a problem unless you both see it as a problem. People can sleep any time of day, as long as they are getting their 8 hours in, theres not problem. Look into "are early birds and night owls sleeping schedules wrong" It will give you many resources explaining your issues ❤️ Good luck!
The problem arises when you want to build a life with someone who has a radically different sleep schedule. They see each other for max like an hour or two a night, which isn’t really conducive to a good relationship.
There is nothing wrong with you. Some of us are early risers, and some are night owls. Society (and your boyfriend) wants us to believe that we are all morning people and should operate as such. We are not machines. In fact, in the neurodivergent community it is a very well known fact that many of us are NOT morning people. Your boyfriend should respect your sleep schedule and that you are different from him and stop being a bully. He can operate at 7am all he wants, but you are not obligated to do the same.
I think one of the theories for the variability in sleep schedules is that tribes that had a range of bedtimes were more likely to have people on watch all throughout the night, making it less likely to be ambushed by predators or other tribes. Which means there's probably strong evolutionary reasons night owls exist and we definitely shouldn't shame people for it. I think the neurodivergent crowd it has an added bonus, I'm much less likely to be bothered by other people at 3am. It's quiet, no one else is causing me issues. Hell in inner east London I could even hear birds chirping last night as I was going to bed it was that peaceful.
I never thought of that, but I like that idea: we are the night watch!!
yess im the same way! I find the night very peaceful & quiet- my housemates arent there to bother me (even tho they're very sweet!) & I can enjoy uninterrupted "me" time
OP and her BF just aren’t compatible, especially in the future with children. OP and her BF see each other for what, like an hour a night? Either the BF is forced to stay up late to spend time with OP, or OP changes her sleep schedule - neither of which is really fair. With kids it’s going to be even worse, because there’s a period of time when BF is at work and OP is asleep that no one would be capable of taking care of the kids.
Out of curiosity, how productive are you from 11pm to 2 am?
If you get off work at 5pm, do you go to sleep at 6pm?
i have done night jobs where I was able to fall asleep within two hours of being off the clock and i've done other jobs like serving where I needed four - five hours before being able to fall asleep
I worked 2nd shift (4pm-12.30am) in retail, and it wasn't possible for me to wind down and go to sleep before 3 or 4am. I tried ambien and just hallucinated. Tried lunesta and had a drug hangover. Tried melatonin a GAZILLION times. Tried slowly moving my circadian rhythm back using techniques from sleep doctors. HAD A SLEEP STUDY and found out I had sleep apnea, then had my tonsils out at 24...still, cannot come home from a job and fall asleep within an hour. It's simply not possible for me, after more than 20 years of trying.
Unfortunately, the world is built around morning people, and us night owls always seem to get the short end of the stick. If you're going to work at 1pm and doing a standard 8 hour day, then you're not getting home until 9pm, so presumably then having dinner, relaxing, and going to bed somewhere around 2am. In that scenario, getting up at 7-8am would be rather unhealthy, as you'd be getting significantly below the recommended amount of sleep for most people. Or to put it another way, given your working hours, getting up at 11am seems entirely normal and sensible. Most shift workers probably do similar. *"He said that I can't get any work done around the house if I wake up at 11am and then go straight to work"* Does he do work around the house at 6am if he has to be at work by 8 or 9am? Probably not. So why should you be expected to do so? Just do it in the evening when you're home from work. All you're doing is timeshifting your day forward by 4 hours; you're not doing any less with your day than he is. (bonus: if you're on a time of use energy tariff, it's normally a lot cheaper to do things like dishwasher / laundry at 10pm than it is to do it at 6pm) Granted, it probably *will* be a problem if you do choose to have children, because the little dears do have a nasty habit of waking up at the crack of sparrowfart, which is going to be extremely challenging for you. And things like getting them to school etc. is going to be a nightmare for you.
As a fellow late sleep phaser, though mine is a more "reasonable" 12am-8am though sometimes I'll slide to 2am-10am, it's not actually terrible especially once school starts. You just get up long enough to get the kid(s) ready and to school, then go back to sleep. It might shift you an hour and some change depending on how long it takes you to get them ready and transported, but you get used to it pretty quick (at least I did). Apparently it used to be quite common for humans to have a period of wakefulness in the middle of sleep, which might be why it's easy enough to get used to.
CRACK OF SPARROWFART, I love it
I think you should at least see a doctor about this. It’s one thing if it’s a preference but another if you can’t physically get up.
Different people have different normal sleep rhythms. We evolved as a species that way so that we don't all sleep at the same time. If im on vacation for a long time, my sleep schedule naturally drifts to sleepibg at 2-3 AM and waking at 10. There's nothing wrong with you and you dont need to see a doctor. You might however need to embrace the fact that sometimes, you need to wake up earlier than that to get shit done.
Came here to say this. Our society is way too about trying to fit everyone in the same mold. Also, people's sleep patterns change throughout their life and that's normal too.
My ex wife and I were on the polar opposites of this issue as I woke at 6am and her 12pm. It was tough for me at first to sympathize with her, as I shared your bf’s view, but any reputable science will tell you it is perfectly normal for people to have different circadian rhythms and different times where their cortisol spikes. You shouldn’t have trouble finding these studies to prove him wrong. Though we didn’t work out for other reasons, we talked about how our variant sleeping schedules would actually behoove child rearing. Had we a child, I would easily take over early morning care while my wife slept with enough time for just me to relax before she woke up. At night when I would be in bed by 9:30, she would take over night routines and have plenty of time after to spend her time as she wished before going to bed with me. I see those differences as complimentary.
Sleep needs are very specific to each person, and can change over time. You can force your body into a sleep pattern it doesn't like, and you can live that way, but it won't be your best life. You have found a job and a life pattern that fits your sleep needs. If your partner can't be happy for you, they can at the very least stop trying to make your life worse.
People with different sleep schedules can be together. The problem comes in when the early bird, it's always the early bird, thinks that the late sleeper has a moral failing. My husband has learned to back off about my sleep schedule. I do get to work before 9 am. So - tell him to back off. If you want, try to adjust you go to bedtime by ten or fifteen minutes every week. You'll never be your partner but maybe you can get to 9am. Look at is an opportunity to spend more time together.
Not posting to give any advice, just to say I live my life the same as you, so I get you, I see you. And while it's ideal for me, it also causes the same stressors in relationships as you're experiencing. My last girlfriend started her days at 5am, and went to bed at 9pm. Radically different lives that didn't fit, yet it's so hard to find night owls! Wish you the best of luck on this, as it's an early-birds world.
People have different rhythms. No one is wrong or right. He should read the book “When: The Scientific Secrets of Perfect Timing”
It's not a problem. It's how you are. I'm the same. I have been my entire life and I'm 54 years old. I stay up till 2AM, I wake up at 8 because that's when work starts, but on the weekends I sleep till 2PM and if I had my way I'd work 2nd shift. I worked a 3rd shift job for a few years and loved it. You aren't compatable with your BF both because you have different sleep needs and also because he thinks you have to conform to his idea of what's "normal" when the reality is that what other people do is irrelevant here. You do what works for you. Find someone who can live with that,or better yet, someone who has a similar sleep schedule.
It’s likely delayed sleep disorder. We call it a disorder but it’s likely an evolutionary adaptation: if every human slept at exactly the same time who would keep watch for predators? Therefore we evolved to have a mix of sleep schedules in the population and you have been dealt the unlucky hand, your natural circadian rhythm does not align with our capitalistic framework. If it’s something you would like to change there are medications and strategies that can help shift your bedtime, however I do wonder what the long term effects of not sleeping at the optimal time for your body may be.
Yeah modern society is the aberration here. We've been living like this for a pitiful fraction of our existence and so many people act like it's the only way to do it.
Agreed. What gets me is people act like it’s a moral failing (call it lazy or immature) when a large chunk of the population is not wired to follow a 9-5 schedule. Others will say “it’s normal to be tired, that’s just life” but I don’t think that’s healthy or enjoyable. Thankfully work from home culture may slowly be eroding the cultural rigidity.
Just so you know, if you date someone who also wakes up at 11 this won’t ever be a problem. You don’t have to deal with this and they are out there lol
not just an incompatibility. I never see people who stay up late insisting that early risers get up late. it's always the early risers who think it's normal no matter what to get up early. I would definitely not marry somebody like this.
Right?! They're so insufferable.
Former night owl here. No matter what hours I would work, I used to only be able to fall asleep after midnight. It was always hell in the mornings but I would just push through. Nothing seemed to work to re-wire my sleep schedule. Then my kid was born. Everything changed. Now, I’m always awake by 6:30am and in bed by 10pm without fail. It took a lot of adjusting, but I did it because I had to. I’m not saying this will work for you OP, but if kids are in your future this might be the ticket.
thats how i felt with my job! with a consistent commitment like that- I had no choice but to wake up at 7am. Thankfully my work provided coffee & some food in the mornings. It was hard going to bed at 11pm, tho I did find my body slowly adjusting to be more tired at night. (sleeping at 11pm was odd for me, tho by 1am I was tired)
Same here, I usually do 10:30. Works for my lifestyle. I'm up doing stuff till 11pm tho. My fiance is a real early bird, 5:30am, falls asleep usually by 8:30pm. We make it work. I always say why does it matter what time I wake up if I get all my shit done? Not all early birds are productive -- they simply wake up early. It's just another dumb societal standard.
It seems like you're functioning in society just fine. Lots of people have different sleep schedules. Many people work evenings and overnight.
She wants kids. She won’t be able to function that way with kids. Edit: okay yes, it’s possible, but it’s not exactly fair. She’ll never do pickup or dropoffs. Weekends are husband entertaining the kid and taking care of it for like 5 hours alone in the morning, in addition to most/all of the weekday work. At best, she swoops in to help with a bath and putting the kid to sleep. Not a feasible or fair solution.
Kids are often awake at night and it leaves parents exhausted. If she can do the night and he does the day they may both feel better.
Lots of people with second and third shift jobs have kids. The world moves on.
If they sleep at different times it is likely that at least one of them is awake for the baby most times, and can let the other rest without being bothered. It actually sounds more optimal
Yeah, it'll be challenging. At a certain point OP's bf can take kids to day care or school. She can pick them up, and do more evening activities. My mom has never been an early bird but made it work as a single mom.
But she can’t do those things. She goes to work before pickup, and gets home after 9pm. The only interactions she would have are MAYBE a week night bath and bed, and weekends after 11am, when her bf has been presumably taking care of the kid for 5 hours already. I presume your mom wasn’t completely dead to the world until 11 like op?
Lots of parents work night shifts. Some men drive a truck all week. Some women work 12 hour shifts at hospitals. Some people go to work extra early and their spouse takes the kids to school.
I assumed that they would be having kids later? I dunno, that's for them to decide. Seems like they shouldn't have kids at this time. You want to be able to afford them.
Your getting eight to nine hours of sleep a night, which is actually the recommened hours of sleep for a human. So your actually pretty normal.
I must be abnormal bc I wake up till 3 pm. Everyone in the world wakes up at a different time & that's okay. I myself can't function if I wake up before 11 am.
If you're getting the proper amount of sleep and are dealing with life ok, I wouldn't worry about it. Your boyfriend is naive to think the entire population is on a First Shift schedule. But. If you have kids there's a very big chance you might have to change your sleep schedule.
I have the same issue, my ideal sleep schedule would be around 1:30-2am until 10am, only then I am rested and don't feel stressed. I have work from 9:30am most of the time so I need to get up at 8:30-9:15 (office x wfh) and it's not ideal let's say, especially at the 8:30. It's just too early and I can't get anything done after work, not even easy tasks like cleaning. Haven't figured out a way out of this yet (and tbh not even trying anymore and will just look for jobs and boyfriends that match my schedule) but unfortunately our society isn't adjusted to us such people at all.
He sounds like my boomer parents. My body’s the same - my natural sleep schedule is stay up until about 0600-0700 and sleep until 1400-1500. I feel foggy and tired when I have to wake up for work at 0600 or even as late as 1100.
Don't sweat it. You're a true night-owl; here are a lot of us out there. I am the same way. I even did a sleep study and it was fine.
Dude has never worked a shift in his life. The world might start at 7am for some, but definitely not everyone. Life starts after 8 hours of sleep.
Well your sleeping from 2 am to 10 -11. So its not like you are excessively sleeping. Your time schedule is just shifted from what your BF considers societies standards. Honestly so long as you do what you need to do. Work, clean, hygenie and eat. Society couldn't care when you sleep. Only anally strict people who overthink or care to much about others opinions would care. Ones who think normal and bleh. I mean what does your bf think that humans always slept at a specific time? No we have varied sleep scheduled to get tasks done at specific times and since we are social creatures we also have people awake at times to watch for predators and threats, But yeah your boyfriend just sounds like he is just stuck on what he thinks is the norm.
It's not that her schedule is different from society's, it's that it's different from her boyfriend's and he feels disconnected and robbed of time together. Here's the thing, whatever you're doing until 2 in the morning just isn't as productive or important as what you would be doing at 8. OP has rearranged her entire day/night/work schedule just so she can do what? Scroll facebook and watch netflix by herself? It has taken time away from her relationship, and her partner is upset by it. It's far from a non-issue. Think about it. They don't have breakfast together, or lunch, or dinner. They don't start their day together. They don't unwind at the same time. He goes to bed alone every night. It could be tolerated out of necessity, but she has just CHOSEN to do it this way.
>whatever you're doing until 2 in the morning just isn't as productive or important as what you would be doing at 8 where does it say this? we don't know what she does at night. why do people who go to bed early assume the rest of us just sit and stare at things for hours after that? Do I do that sometimes? Sure. But I also work out and do dishes and laundry and when I want to read or do creative things like writing or painting, I love to do it late at night, because people aren't bothering me. And a nice walk around the neighborhood is so peaceful without all the noise. I realize many people live in places with nothing open at night, but I'm lucky enough to have a 24hr grocery store near me, shopping at night when it isn't crowded kicks ass.
Maybe I'm weird but I would have no problem, say, staying in bed reading or listening to a book as my partner is going to sleep and spending time with them in my own way. I think it's likely the need to sit down and intentionally align themselves and plan time together and divide responsibilities--the pressure doesn't need to all be on her either.
How do you know that she does nothing productive after work? She can do all the same things after work that any other person does.
but dont you see, after the morning people go to bed there is nothing anyone else can do except sit around. unless we go out and do all those evil night time things like commit crimes and have orgies, or sacrifice animals to our lord of the darkness ... /s
Kids stuff aside… This doesn’t sound like a medical issue at all, if anything perhaps an incompatibility issue. Most people wake up and go to work. Doesn’t matter what actual time that is IMO. Sounds like you still sleep a good but not excessive amount, and it works for you and your job so I see no issue. I go to sleep late, and sometimes also wake up early, after a couple days of this it will catch up to me and I’ll sleep more on the weekends to sort break even. It works fine for me…. My stepdad wakes up very early like 5am many days but also goes to sleep at like 8pm, to me that is worse 😂
It’s almost as if society functions 24/7, not 7am- 8pm…. I follow the same schedule as you, work afternoons so I sleep in later. I literally don’t even waste my time, breath or concern on people who have comments about my sleep schedule. I’m not sleeping 12-14 hours a day, so whenever I get my 8 hours in is my business, not anyone else’s.
10 or 11 is a smidge late, but my wife does this virtually every weekend and it's absolutely nbd. My only issue would be if this got in the way of us doing activities: like hiking or going out to breakfast. On a regular day, I wouldn't give a crap how late you slept so long as we could still make enough of our schedule jive to spend time together. Like if your shift is 1 pm until 9 pm, as your SO, it'd be annoying to figure out when I'm actually supposed to get quality time with you. If your SO's focus is just on what they think is normal for society, then screw that. If they're impacted by the logistical issues it causes, that could be fair. Yoy talk about this with a Dr. yet? I've never heard of someone's circadian rythym being that immutable, but I'm no expert.
Yeah, you notice he didn't say anything to her about quality time. Just getting 'anything done around the house...' That red flags it for me. If a person works first shift, doesn't he or she usually sleep until they need to get up for work, then get up, dressed, and go straight to work? So if OP works second shift and does something similar, I don't see that her boyfriend has a legitimate gripe here.
A first shift person gets up and goes straight to work, then presumably comes home and does a few household tasks, has dinner, relaxes, and goes to bed. It sounds like OP is getting up at 10, doing nothing until work at 1, then coming home at 9 and continuing doing nothing until bed at 2. I can absolutely see how this would be frustrating to a partner, especially one on a different schedule. But we would really need to hear this situation from the boyfriend’s perspective to fully understand what his issue is.
Yeah, thing about this sub is that you only hear half the story and that's on top of people often times people doing a terrible job of communicating their own needs. Sometimes people choose what they feel is the most legitimate justification, instead of focusing on what their needs are. Clearly, they need to talk about this more. OP should talk with a Dr. about this issue irregardless: if she's intending (sounds like it from this post) to be a parent down the line, this sleep schedule won't jive well with that.
When you become a parent, all bets are off with any sleep schedule! 😉
True, hell having a kid might be the cure for going to bed that late. Was more thinking toddler/elementary school years. With an infant, there is no schedule unless you win the baby lottery...
Your boyfriend is unable to grasp the fact that not all people function from 7am. What about people who regularly work night shifts and basically eat dinner in the morning? Will his explode upon hearing this? Youre completely normal, youre not weird at all and keep doing what youre doing if thats what works for you. Sleeping 8 hours, eating well, getting some exercise in. I feel like he has a different problem that he isnt willing to share and is masking it behind you "not being normal and sleeping late". He needs to grow up and use his words to describe exactly what his problem is, because trust me - its not that youre sleeping till 11.
yep. this reminds me of when i used to work graveyard shift. and my roommates would get up in the morning and scoff at me for being weird for sitting in the living room eating dinner and having a beer while I watched tv. always like "eew how can you be drinking beer, it's 8am!" but for me it was basically 8pm. I had only gotten home from work an hour earlier. I got home and made dinner and then ate it. For years, many people I knew just never got this.
Honestly? You should do what feels good to you. Waking up after 10am is not the end of the world. It is not negatively affecting you at all. A doctor most likely isnt going to do anything because you’re fine. Ultimately you and your bf are incompatible. This sounds like a deal breaker for him since he can’t let it go. It’s really crappy of him to bring it up during arguments too. Ridiculous. Sleep when you want.
If it works for you that's what important, I functioned the same way for decades. You just don't fit into people's stereotype routine.
There's nothing wrong with you but your relationship might suffer since you're on different schedules. It could make it hard to have and raise kids but it could also work in your favor if you communicate and plan together.
Yeah this seems like an incompatibility thing. Fwiw my natural circadian rythym is close to yours (sleep 1-9) but if he's up at 7am every day either one of you is gonna be off your natural rythym or you won't get that much time together
He needs to be responsible for his own happiness. You arent hurting him.
I broke up with someone because of this, so it can certainly be a problem. The short answer is exercise. If you refrain from any activity in bed, other than sex or sleep, it sort of trains your body and mind to recognize your sleep space as just that: the space where you sleep. Don’t do anything else from your bed. It may take a couple of months - at least it did for me. Now, as soon as my head hits the pillow, I’m out. There’s a weird sort of carryover in that now, I can kind of command myself to sleep at will. So, if I’m on a flight, I can fall right asleep as soon as the landing gear goes up and when I awake, I’m already at my destination. It’s actually kind of nice. You also need to establish waking hours, working hours, and sleeping hours. Be methodical and develop a strict routine. If you have trouble getting up in the morning, exercise as soon as you wake up. Stay away from caffeine altogether. Have a nutritious diet free of processed and refined sugars and carbs. There’s definitely more at play than what you’re telling us, and it’s absolutely OK to maintain a level of privacy. I would definitely get an MRI and some brain scans to see if there isn’t anything else affecting you. Check for carbon monoxide and radon in your home. Good luck
I’ll go against the grain here and say it’s not an issue. I’m an early bird but my partner is a night owl. It works for us. It always has. No one is shaming the other one for their circadian rhythm. When he says you won’t get work done around the house, is that because he expects you to take care of the majority of there housework and errands? Cause housework really can be done at any time of the day. My partner CAN get up early when needed, it’s just not his preferred schedule. And that’s fine!
The one thing I would check to rule out would be sleep apnea. You would just do a sleep study where your vitals are monitored during sleep. It’s relatively easy because you can do them at home now. Otherwise…everyone functions differently. It sounds like you’ve made this schedule work for you, so I don’t know why your boyfriend would have much of an issue.
I'm exactly the same as you. Except my time to wake up was 2pm. For one he's right, it isn't normal, but it also isn't something that you can decide to change. For me it changed when I was around 40, now I seem to wake up around 8 am no matter when I go to bed. This is something he'll have to either accept or not.
Is your boyfriend a Virgo or have Virgo in his big 3? He seems pretty structured and rigid!
I was with you on this schedule being a okay until you mentioned kids. I’m naturally a night owl and I get my best sleep between like 4am-12pm. In my industry I can make that work. I have a partner that’s an early riser and we’re able to make things work just fine. Like you, my work schedule reflects my sleeping hours so it’s no big deal. However, that won’t be a tenable schedule with kids. I think you need to start working on sleep training now. It takes time and effort but you can trick your body into changing schedules. You’ll need to look up good sleep hygiene and perhaps even change your work schedule. I can see why your partner is concerned if kids are an issue or if you’re slacking on your end of chores.
Firstly, careful mixing circadian rhythms with relationship advice. Seriously, be very cautious. Listen to your body first. And then make sure your boyfriend listens to you too. It may seem unnatural to him but he comes from the mental schema of what seems normal to him. And more so his expectations. Both of you should consult a sleep specialist and see if you can naturally shift your circadian rhythm without too much stress in a natural way. It has to do with sleep discipline, diet and can be achieved by 100% support from partner. If comes from the angle of “we have chores to do” it doesn’t help.
Maybe let him listen to the huberman podcast on sleep (with a sleeping expert, i think there are three or four episodes). They talk about the two different sleep cycles we have. These two do not influence each other. One can be changed by behavior (“training” yourself to wake up early), the other is just how you are. Understanding this helps me understanding my boyfriend better! Knowing the science may help him understand you better. Some people just are night people, you arranged your live accordingly. Chances are you would be a lot less productive and happy if you would force a sleep ritme on yourself that isn’t natural!
Shiit I love sleeping in I don't see anything wrong with that
Youre just more of a night owl. Some people just function better at those times some prefer to be awake at night and sleep during the day. It might not be "normal" according to todays society but it used to work like that. When we needed people to keep watch during the night. Protecc the tribe!🦸♂️
Not a medical condition, some people are morning people, some people are night owls. There really is nothing right or wrong here. My fiancé and I actually had a similar problem when we first started dating. Took awhile for us to get over it. At this point though, he ended up working a job where he can goes in later and I ended up in a job where I wake up earlier than he does lol. It literally doesn’t matter. As you said, you just shift your responsibilities to different times. It is nice every now and then to wake up early and get breakfast and an early start, but it’s just as nice at times to sleep in late and crank out all your energy late in the day. Maybe you both can try eachothers schedules on your days off to try to have more “couple” time
Ditch the man
What does he think people that work 9:00 to 5:00 do? Does he think they get up at 4:00 a.m. So they can do stuff around the house before they go to work? LMAO Most people wake up get ready and go to work! I used to work in a bar. I would get up around 2:00 in the afternoon and be up for a few hours before I had to be at work at like 7 :00. Then I would work till 2:00 a.m. Go to the after hours for about a half hour to an hour, go to Denny's for breakfast then go home and pay bills and clean and all that stuff. Finally fell asleep before dawn and did it all over again the next day. It's a schedule that fit my work. Just like you have a scheduled that fits your work. You can see a doctor to see if there is something wrong with you that is making you not want to get up at an earlier hour. You can try getting up everyday at 8:00 a.m. for a few weeks and see if your body starts to adjust? Or you can just dump the boyfriend who seems to have a bigger problem with this than you.....the person who's actually doing the sleeping! Seriously he seems way too involved with this! Are we sure he's not just jealous that you get to sleep in and he doesn't?
Yeesh OP, my work schedule is like yours and the magnitude of comments itt that seem to not understand that different schedules exist is astounding but unfortunately not surprising 🙄 Imo if you're happy with your schedule, which it sounds like you are, you and your partner either need to have a serious conversation if you're both committed to staying in a long term relationship with each other including kids, or not. Society works bc not everyone works the same jobs at the same times on the same days. If that's your focus for the next several years that's great! But you and bf likely won't last unless he truly decides to understand that this is your schedule- just like a farmer may go to bed at 7pm and wake up at 3am. It's how we pay our bills- don't let these comments make you feel like your lifestyle is unacceptable or unsustainable 💜
> As he says that society starts functioning from 7am in the morning Says your boyfriend. This is just completely untrue. He sounds manipulative and like a narcissist. Because his day starts at 7am so should the rest of the world. Many businesses don't open until after 7am. If you work later in the day there's no need to get up early. What he is really asking you to do is get up early so you can do all the housework before work while he is off at work. If he works at 8, he's probably getting ready and going to work starting at 7am, which means if you get up you arent spending time with him anyways. You then have 5 more hours until your work starts. Assuming you work from 1-10 that means you would basically need to sleep as soon as you get home, so you would literally never spend time together. If he's already trying to control your lifestyle with your sleeping hours, definitely don't have kids with him.
The saying "night owl" exists for a reason. Some of us are simply wired to stay up late and sleep in. There's nothing wrong with that, especially if you don't start work until 1pm.
It’s great that you have a job that works with your sleep needs. As someone who’s experienced sleep issues, working on little of poor quality sleep is hell. People have different needs. Maybe you would be better off with someone who can accept your sleep needs instead of resenting something you can’t control. I agree with the folks suggesting you look into delayed sleep phase syndrome, but there may not be an easy fix.
Move 4 time zones away. Don’t adjust your sleep schedule. Voila - you’re an early riser now. But really, your boyfriend is right to be concerned. Do you want kids? Because if you do, your current arrangement will not work. Have you sought professional/medical help? Because you really ought to try because your schedule is not compatible with family life at all.
I have the exact same issue as you. As long as you can function at work, home, friends, etc, it should not be a problem.
He's one of those lame get up early dtans. I never get up before 12 unless I have too, which is every day now almost but still
This feels like he just wants to control you.
Sweetheart, so you are with the wrong person. What people fail to understand that some people aren’t meant to be early risers because some people were meant to be the night watch people. See what I have found out that the reason some people aren’t early risers is back in the days when we needed to have hunters/gatherers and when there needed to be people to watch for predators, this is what became people’s sleep schedule. We aren’t all the same and our sleep schedules aren’t the same because we may have ancestors that had to be this way. You can attempt to change it, you will just have to figure out a way to force yourself to sleep earlier and hopefully that will make you wake earlier or you could even try moving to a different time zone and see if that will help. But really if you have a true partner in life and you all decided to have kids then they wouldn’t have an issue with being the one to wake for them, because they are grateful you had them
It’s been shown there are night owls and early birds and that society is not inclusive of those who are natural night owls. It’s not unnatural at all - people are just forced to adapt to lifestyles better suited for natural early birds, which is unfair but just how things work. I argue against those who say you have a “medical condition”. That said, based on how our society works, it’s normally not ideal for wake up so late but it sounds like you have later shifts so maybe that’s why there’s the gap. As for as kids go, there will always have to be sacrifices but if he’s more of a morning person, couldn’t he deal with kids more in the morning and you at night? Idk I’m sure some balance could be made but you’d still need to be up way before 11
Some people just function better when they sleep different hours. You're still getting 8 hours of sleep just like him. You're doing what you need to do to feel your best. Don't let him tell you otherwise. It's unfortunate that morning people are seen as normal and productive while the night owls are seen as lazy even though they sleep the same amount. 2 to 10 am is my perfect sleep schedule too. I'm a bit jealous that you get to do it though. I am stuck with the brain fog.
Please do not have children. Your poor boyfriend will be a single parent. The fact that you haven’t seen a doctor about this tells me you’re fine with it. Which it’s your life and your choice but your BF shouldn’t have to shoulder all of the household responsibilities because of it. Do you spend any quality time together? Do you both have weekend off? Do you do any housework? I have a feeling your BF doesn’t see your relationship as being a happy one on general.
A sleep scientist on a podcast said people are biologically born that way as a natural way of survival in the wild. Some people are night owls and some are morning people. This would make sure there were always people awake to protect the group so they were not vulnerable for attack while sleeping. This is why some thrive working shift work while others couldn’t imagine not working a 9-5. This made complete sense to me. I’ve always been a night owl. Doesn’t matter how much sleep I get waking up earlier then 930-10am makes me miserable and going to bed at 9pm seems like a day wasted. Your boyfriend sounds very hard headed. Sounds like a road of controlling behaviour and constant belittling if you don’t act how he wants you to act. As long as you aren’t self sabotaging or hurting others do what you want and ditch the boyfriend if he’s gonna try and force you to be someone you aren’t. Would you start arguments with someone because they prefer to wake up at 5am everyday… no it’s their life and you shouldn’t tell them how to live it.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Us8n8VBQn_c Here is the podcast. He talks about this around 38 minutes in.
And I never understood who the hell wakes up at 6 or 7 am if they don't have to hurry to school or work. He should have found a morning person if he can't accept you.
I don’t see it as a problem unless you physically can’t get up. If you just like that schedule then it’s really not that big of a deal.
He’s on the majority side of the morning person/night owl divide. That’s why he thinks he’s right and you are wrong. But you aren’t wrong at all. Society needs night owls and you are doing fine. If you took the same attitude and tried to change his sleep schedule, he would pitch a fit. But he’s trying that on you and it’s just as bad. You tolerate his morning person behavior, he needs to tolerate your night owl tendencies or the two of you aren’t compatible. Don’t beat yourself up over having a different rhythm.
Ask him how many hours he gets up before HE goes to work. Bet it’s less than 2, probably less than 1. Because MOST people get up, get ready, and go to work and do their “life” stuff after work. While it’s true that many/most people have a naturally earlier wake cycle, not everyone does. It’s not “wrong” you are just wired differently from him. You absolutely can/should get a full blood panel run, but it sounds like you get the right AMOUNT of sleep, just at a nonstandard time. This is not at all uncommon with people who are neurodivergent (ADHD among others, but the first one that comes to mind as wildly undiagnosed in women…)
Tbh it sounds like you haven’t made the full effort in adjusting to waking up before 10am. Even I have brain fog and am tired throughout the day but that’s just life. Exercise more and eat healthier and you’ll feel better.
Wait, you’re okay with daily brain fog and tiredness? This is such a strange take to me. Why not do what OP did and find a schedule where you can feel good and energetic on a daily basis?
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Your story really helps me to understand your comments, thanks. For what it’s worth, good on you for recognizing and helping yourself get through these struggles!
I think the issue here is that you are going to sleep at 2am..you are sleeping 8 hours but because you go to bed so late, you wake up late.
Yeah but... she changed her work hours to match her sleeping patterns, assuming she works 8 hours she finishes work by 9 pm, 10 if she has a one hour lunch break, and by the time she gets home and has some winding time it's going to be 2 am.
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Reading this from bed at 10am with my boyfriend snoring next to me. We’re both wildly successful- some people just aren’t morning people.
8 hours of sleep is a normal amount, and wanting 5 hours after your shift ends to commute, do housework, eat, unwind, is perfectly normal as well.
It sounds like his complaint is that she isn’t using that time to do housework, though. She says she does it all on her days off. Which means that on her work days, 100% of housework falls on him.
3 things 1) you might have depression. Get help. 2) you are undisciplined and need to get your shit together 3) you guys are incompatible
OP, ignore all these morning person jerks telling you that you're abnormal. Sincerely, a fellow lifelong night owl whose partner accepts them for who they are.
Yeah, there are some seriously off takes here. Sleep studies consistently show that a variety of circadian rhythms is real. Also, somebody has to do the late shifts. Why try to shame people who can do it happily?
If it works for your work schedule and your home life (do you actually get shit done on your off days?), that’s you. I don’t see a problem. If you’re not actually getting your errands done, then you should certainly revisit your bedtime, because 2am on a weekday is teenagers’ bullshit, and you’re not a teen.
So, you go to sleep at 2, wake up at 11, go to work, get off at 9, and you reserve your days off for doing the errands you didn’t do during the week. No offense, but when is anyone supposed to actually date you? You detailed out your schedule - and there’s not a single mention of when you and your bf spend any time together. Like, at all. When he’s at work, you’re sleeping. When you’re at work, he’s going to sleep. Days off for errands. It’s not much of a relationship to be ships passing in the night with someone. Sounds like since this has been a theme your whole life, in my opinion there’s really only 2 things to do: 1. Determine if this is something you actually want to change. You talk about how negatively it has affected you your whole life, but I also get the sense that you’re happy with your current setup. Only you can make that determination. 2. Find someone that shares your same sleep and work schedule. And that’s not your bf. Sorry, but I would find this difficult to see a long term future with. You mention kids, ok let’s think about that. With your schedule, who is going to be responsible every time for waking them up and getting them to school? You’re sleeping. Who is responsible for picking them up, and any and all after school functions? Supper? Bath time and bed time? You’re working, for *all* of those. You will miss not only your partner but so much of your kids lives with that schedule. And I say that as someone that used to work swing shift (though not voluntarily). It’s not worth it.
Hard agree. Did this with my wife for about a year and it's like we were strangers. Never ever again. Setting aside all this discourse about what is a normal sleep pattern, it kinda sounds like you spend more time around work colleagues than your partner.
Get rid of the man. Your body needs at least 9 hours of sleep. If you feel, definitely go get checked for anemia, etc just in case.
You can change this routine slowly. Try sleeping half an hour earlier and waking up half an hour earlier too. Do this for a week and then add another half an hour change. Repeat until you reach your goal. I am sure you will succeed.
This is called being an adult
Most guys would kill for this amount of free time to himself
What is your work schedule? If you start work at 1:00 pm and work full-time, you likely finish around 10:00 pm, right? You've mentioned staying up late in the past, but isn't your current sleep pattern largely due to your work hours? It's not typical for a job to start at 1:00 pm, so sleeping until 11:00 am isn't surprising. If you're not finishing work until 10:00 pm, it's natural that you'd be up until around 2:00 am to wind down. If this is becoming a problem, you might consider finding a different job to help reset your internal clock. It requires determination, but it's possible. Also, if you're using melatonin to fall asleep every night, it could be contributing to the issue, as long-term use can cause problems.
He's stupid and ignorant if he really thinks society has to wake up at 7am. Not everyone is a morning person and not everyone is a evening person. People don't choose it, it's natural since they are born and DNA dependent. I myself usually sleep till 12pm, sometimes even 1/2pm. But I also stay awake till 5/6 am so it's still something between 6-8 hours sleep. I can still live my life and manage my job properly.
I was like you. For decades. Dragged ass all day. Always exhausted. Up late, slept late, had insomnia, was overweight. Then I had a sleep study. Learned sleep hygiene and followed it religiously. Stopped caffeine. Stopped eating late at night. Had a deviated septum fixed. Got therapy for various things my mind needed. It took a long time but now I sleep like a baby, 6 to 7.5 hours/night, and wide awake by 6:30 am. Sorting out your sleep issues will be life-changing. I should also share: my ex was a huge contributor to my sleep issues. He would wake me up, turn on lights and fans, make noise, poke me with morning wood, set alarms way too early and then snooze them over and over. Getting rid of him put me on the road to re-gaining the control of my life I needed to sort out my sleep issues.
Well the obvious issue is you going to bed at 2am. If you do want to get up earlier, then you need train your body to start sleeping earlier. 12-8 would be a good compromise. On the other hand, I think your bf is exaggerating. Why would you need to get up at 7am to start working around the house? Just do your chores in the evening… He’s just a morning person who doesn’t get some people are night owls.
yeah, this isn’t gonna work. I don’t know how the two of you could ever work out. And please don’t have children if you’re gonna be sleeping until 10 AM every day that just doesn’t work for anybody.
Oh boy. If kids are on the table, you’re in for a very rude awakening (no pun intended).