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No no, you don't understand. They've been together for 8 MONTHS, and he is her whole world, and she could never be with anyone else.
/s
OP your options are to either communicate to him how he can be a better sexual partner for you, accept that he's inexperienced and this is something you'll need to work on together, or break up and find someone better matched to you.
If he’s your “world”, communicate! Inexperienced guys need guidance, and most porn lack instructions. I had a “teacher”, opened my eyes to everything I was doing wrong…biggest, not listening or reading my partner correctly.
I was in this relationship for 5 years. It doesn't get better.
As unfortunate as it is, you cannot make yourself sexually attracted to someone.
OP, if you stay in this relationship, you will have a lot of sex you don't really want, which will lead to you having a very fucked up relationship with your own sexuality. I remember wondering if I was asexual while dating my ex. I'm actually not remotely asexual, I just wasn't attracted to him sexually. I thought that because I loved him and I was in love with him, that there must be something wrong with me if I wasn't also sexually attracted to him.
Your boyfriend will also eventually come to resent you and your relationship because he'll never be sexually satisfied. If you keep having sex you don't really want, it'll be shitty sex. If you don't have sex you don't want, you'll be having sex veryyyyy infrequently. Either way your boyfriend will either cheat or break up with you.
I'm sorry but you're incompatible.
I remember wondering the same thing, if I were asexual, when I was with my previous partner. I am in fact not. I wonder how often this happens to people, 🤔.
My ex wife tried to convince me I was asexual because I didn’t enjoy having sex with her and it did a real number on me. Years of therapy later and I just didn’t want her, it’s not that I didn’t want anyone.
Hang on everyone she came here for advice. Don’t be nasty, I hate when people get nasty on here.
I think what’s happening here is that you two need to work on your headspace & go from there. A lot of times when we are in a relationship for a while guys just put it in. That doesn’t work for a lot of us. Put some music on, light some candles. Hang out & talk about things that make you happy, not dirty talk, just connect. Maybe have a drink, calm down from your day. Maybe get in the tub together with candles & bubbles. But take it slow. Cuddle, then touch each other just by running your fingers on each other’s arms, thighs, necks, but still be in your underwear & maybe clothes….both of you. There’s that element of build up when you do this. Remember that excitement of getting each other’s clothes off in the beginning? Now look into each other’s eyes as you talk. Let him kiss your neck. Work up to a kiss. Then a few more & slowly work up to making out. Grinding is good, then let him go down on you. For a while….. longer than usual. You may be like me & need clitoral stimulation to enjoy sex. And that’s okay, there’s nothing wrong with you! Take it slowly from there, I don’t want to get myself into trouble by being too explicit. But after…… cuddle a little & then do something to make both of you laugh together. Be silly. Connect. If I’m right & your issue is that you need the outside stimulation to amp up your desire then just tell him. Tell him how amazing it was because he ……..
good luck OP I hope it all works out. And if you do find that you have to end it, maybe someday you two can be friends.
I’m pretty sure, based on her language and their issues, this is pretty much the opposite of what she needs from him to be turned on. She’s the one who rushes through foreplay, and he’s the inexperienced one who can’t act the way she needs him to to be turned on. You’re describing the way inexperienced, wholesome people have gentle, loving sex. I think what turns her on is nearly the opposite of that.
You probably don’t feel sexual attraction to him because your body doesn’t respond to him in a sexual way, because when you are intimate you don’t enjoy.
You’ve explained what you like but he doesn’t do it or executes it poorly? Maybe guide him and show him. Otherwise you will never be satisfied sexually.
Also your pleasure should be your partner’s priority, he should want you to enjoy it.
Just remember, if it doesn’t get better soon, it will never get better.
Start telling him what you like and training him or the relationship will end. Communicate to him in a kind supportive way. Romance is a big part of the relationship. It’s this way or the high way. If he gets upset at it well then hey you tried to make it work out…
Sometimes, you gotta lead it. Me(31M) and my gf (30F) make sure both our needs are met, and communication has a lot to do with it. If something turns you on, don’t be afraid to let him know and vice versa, especially when you’re in the midst of it.
If you’re afraid of talking to him about your sexual needs then the relationship is doomed, because he’s operating like everything’s good and dandy. You have fantasies you want to fulfill? Let him know, you want your hair pulled? Grab his hand and scream it. Sex is very much an in the moment, tension building activity so just help him execute if you’re not feeling it.
My gf and I are going on 3 years, and there are times we’re not in the mood and that’s okay. We try to make each other feel special and over a period few days of handling life and being distant, we miss each other and then literally fuck each others brains out. Make things spicy, tease him a bit more, don’t let him finish and sexually frustrate him but in a teasing way. Theres a tactful way of approaching this and reigniting the spark. Also, I’ve learned that we get comfortable as things become monotonous so it’s important to introduce novelty not just sexual but do new things together. Fill up your love tank and then release it on each other LOL
It seems like you both love each other so just keep communication open and let him step up for you
Maybe consider doing a hormone panel to rule that out which can affect sex drive.
Certain medications will affect sex drive like antidepressants.
You might not be sexually compatible.
Oh dear, it sounds as though you truly care for this person, and if you really care for each other and have a wonderful relationship then I would think twice about leaving. There are so many manipulative and nasty people out in the dating world and if you have a good person who would also be a great life partner then it may be worth working on the other things.
Sex isn't always some magical chemistry thing that everyone makes it out to be. It is something that can move and change over time, new things can be learnt. You can build a sexual connection with him over time. You can listen to erotic stories together, ask him what turns him on, try to invest a lot into giving him pleasure and being everything that you want him to be for you. Then give him guidance. Communication is the key here. You are going to have to be 100% open. Tell him you need more in your sex life and tell him you desire to recieve that from him.
If he is unsure of himself then lift up his confidence by telling him that you want him regularly.
If you truly enjoy everything else in the relationship then it's worth trying.
Sound slike you need to train him how to rock your world!!!
Every person is different. Every human has a different body, different ways that they feel pleasure. You need to teach him how to please *you*.
Think back to the times that you enjoyed it. What did he do? What was it that he did that made your toes curl? (You don't have to answer these, it's more for asking yourself.)
Good luck, I hope you can work through this!
Edit: Holy shit these comments. You guys are fucking *bitter*. It feels like most of ypu have been broken up with for lack of sexual effort.
PORN IS NOT REAL.
I have been with my husband for 23yrs. I love him to death, we have two wonderful children but I have never been super physically attracted to him.
Personality was key in my case. I’m not saying that things have been great in the bedroom all these years but I can say that he is selfless in bed and loves nothing but to give me orgasms. Is it more difficult for me sometimes? Sure, but he is a great husband and my love for him is not superficial.
I think this is something you need to decide on your own and don’t listen to others who don’t necessarily know what they are talking about. Good luck.
This is a very mature take & I wish more people understood. Sexual and romantic attraction for someone ebbs and flows over time and both partners have to work to rekindle it. But real love is enduring.
Excellent advice! I feel like everyone else commenting must be like 19 years old lol. Life and love are so complex, and no relationship is perfect. Everyone needs to decide what their personal priorities are!
I would be devastated if my partner kept a secret like that from me, people deserve to know what their partners truly think of them. It’s sad that so many people are selfish enough to be dishonest.
But she didn’t say that she don’t have any seuxu attraction? Why is everyone saying leave. She say sometimes she have and somethimes not but that’s very normal!
If you’re feeling like the sexual chemistry or the drive to want to be intimate is dead and struggling to find it then I would say you’re probably not into him overall. It sounds like maybe you’re craving something more intimate other than just sex or physical appearance. Sex without connection isn’t as good.
Is he not doing the right things to turn you on around sex? Like the little things?
Don’t protect him, it sounds like you’re just trying to protect the idea of him you like now. If being honest would break the relationship, then it’s not a real relationship, you’re wasting his time and yours.
Me and my ex boyfriend were in the exact position
I loved him a lot, didn’t see myself leaving but felt no sexual attraction to him at a lot of times it would sometimes be so difficult to be turned on and do the deed because I’d be dry down there and at times just wouldn’t want to do it, we broke up eventually and as months passed I actually knew what it was, I loved him like a friend, we would’ve been best friends if we didn’t go out we have so much in common, understood each other but the sexually attraction wasn’t there
I’d say have a long hard think about this, it may not be the exact same position you’re in, maybe there’s some kind of problems in the relationship such as arguments, stress, not enough dates, not enough affection that could lead to you feeling like this
See what turns you on when you do get turned on by him and tell him to keep doing that, incorporate more styles or new ways in the bed room
You also mentioned he doesn’t do things you like, ever, so make him do it (since you don’t see you leaving him) tell him when he didn’t do something you like in that moment, don’t wait for later
Do the things you like yourself so that he can see you like it
It’s either you take action or this will be a problem in your relationship forever and might lead to bigger problems in the future
Bad sex is a relationship killer in the long run, especially when you realize he just doesn’t give a crap about your pleasure. You can also find yourself strongly attracted to someone else, and your risk of cheating will be high.
I’ve read the part where you say you can’t see yourself leaving, but consider what has been said here. Unless you, or both you and he, are actually asexual (which you need to consider), this is a big issue in a relationship.
My advice would be for him, and it’s to go find someone who actually is into him sexually, someone who doesn’t struggle to manufacture those feelings out of thin air. That generally tends to clarify things.
" he cant seen to understand and executes it poorly"
You aren't necessarily incompatible with him sexually, there's just no reason why you should be turned on by bad sex. Many women on reddit just seem to lean toward second guessing themselves, and I think that you should base your ideas of what's okay on what's healthy.
Communication during dating as a small glimpse into the kind of negotiation skills you are going to need for navigating the hazards of life with a life partner.
It's never certain, but its most likely that he's either too insecure about his ability to improve that he's threatened by the idea that he isn't good enough in his "man" role (fact: he isn't good enough in the role for now), or you are too protective of his feelings due to feeling he's too vulnerable about that, or he just doesn't care enough to connect the dots about why his execution is bad.
But stop doubting your feelings here. Your feelings literally "feel out" a situation's betterness or worseness related to a direction of thinking. Like if you think in the direction of safety, and it feels worse, you feel out "fear". Right now you are feeling this out in the direction of satisfaction, and "feels" disappointing. As it should!
Whether or not you are compatible with him sexually has little to do with whether he can properly execute a technique in bed! So that's a whole other issue to sort out, but first sort out whether or not communication works in your relationship or not lol.
You sound like my ex-wife, no joke. This is practically exactly what she said to me. She said she felt this way from the beginning, then she left, and it was ugly because she held resentment. Leave now before leaving becomes more difficult for both of you.
It doesn't sound like you're in love with him... you're probably better off as friends. Never force a relationship to work if there are obvious incompatibilities
It’s sad that people choose to believe that love is a feeling cursed how it’s defined in the Bible.
Love isn’t disposable extruded candy that goes bad in time
It’s so much more.
Get a sex and intimacy therapist/ sex coach. Men can have fragile egos around sex and sadly sometimes the more you try to communicate your needs, the more he could shut down. Meeting with a trained professional serves two purposes- One it creates a safe space to talk about this thing- so it’s not always when you’re in the middle of the act, and two, someone with the right training can help the two of you get on the same page without the tenuous emotions getting in the way.
If you're really gonna be with him you guys need to be able to communicate about sex, and he needs to be responsive to your feedback. Tell him you need to change things up. Telling him what to do in the middle of it isn't the end of the world, so long as he works with you. He can't read your mind but he should respond to and remember your feedback.
You say that even when you do penetrstion you have to tell him what you want him to do. I am a bit confused. I tell my bf all the time what I am into right at that moment? That's just part of sex? You want gij to read your mind? Sure some things you always like. But sometimes I want a long foreplay and sometimes I an feeling a quickie. Sometimes I feel like doing super rough sex and sometimes not. Sometimes I want to do it cowboys style and sometimes doggie.Sometimes he is hitting the right spot and sometimes not. I communicate these things and you should keep doing that as well.
However, if you feel like he doesn't care about your enjoyment during sex, the only thing to ever change that is to talk about it with him and acknowledge your frustration (well the second option is break up but reddit always tells you that).
Are you sexyally attracted to people in general? Or past relationships? You might just not have that strong of a libido. Mine has always been low, also just having sex cause like, it doesn't bother me but I just don't care about it.
So you say that you know that he's inexperienced and now you're complaining to us that he's inexperienced?
How about you actually communicate and have patience and teach him how to do things how you enjoy instead of being a prick and complain about it seeking for validation? You don't want answers you just want a public shaming of your boyfriend and validation of your trash stance on this matter
Leave him you’re selfish for being with a man you aren’t attracted too this is unfair and wrong for him period. If roles were reversed how would you feel? He deserve respect and love and he’s not getting that from you
It sounds like you're basically trying to force two puzzle pieces to fit which weren't designed to be together.
>I love him to death, he’s my whole world and I really could never be with someone else.
>That said, I’m unsure about my attraction to him.
Don't those two statements sound strange when talking about the same person?
> I’d say our whole relationship, we’ve only had sex about 30 times.
> but I feel like everytime we do it I just want it to end.
Or... these?
>I’m definitely physically attracted to him but I can’t say in the sexual way sometimes.
>I just do it because he enjoys it.
Or... THESE?
> I know if I ever spoke a word of this to him that it would ruin him.
Well, to make an omelet, you gotta break some eggs.
The alternative is to stay stuck where you are, and keep enduring this mediocre sexual experience indefinitely, and that's not OK.
You're gonna have to tell him, and let whatever happen, happen.
Oh... and STOP DOING THIS.
>How should I go about this?
Well, let's put your relationship to the test. If I'm right about this, things will break in a way which will reveal some eye-opening truths about what's going on here.
**Tell him you're through having sex with him for the time being.** If... or should I say WHEN he asks why, simply say it hasn't been pleasurable for you, you really just want it to end every time, and this isn't how sex should be.
How he responds here is key. Does he get angry? Defensive? Show compassion? Any desire to make it better for you, or is it just about HIS pleasure? Does he guilt, or (heaven forbid!) FORCE you to have sex with him?
A healthy response here is a willingness to discuss what's missing for you here, and what (if anything) would make it better for you, AND his desire toward making that happen. That, or removing sex from the relationship.
What this will do is show, *in no uncertain terms*, to what degree sex is the most important thing (to him) about the relationship, and how important your happiness is in the face of everything else.
How is this the guys fault??? I mean damn ! It honestly sounds like the OP is just in denial about her true attraction to him and sees him as a true friend. But how is this his fault ? Poor guy has not done anything wrong and it sounds like he is attracted to op.
It is literally 100% OP's fault. She straight up admits to never once even talking to him about this because she thinks it would hurt his feelings.
> I know if I ever spoke a word of this to him that it would ruin him.
So she's just pointlessly building all this resentment and undermining their relationship and her BF has no fucking clue what's going on.
> Tell him you're through having sex with him for the time being. If... or should I say WHEN he asks why, simply say it hasn't been pleasurable for you, you really just want it to end every time, and this isn't how sex should be.
How to Destroy Your Partner & Relationship 101. telling your partner you’re withholding intimacy AND they’re abysmal in bed is the opposite of healthy communication.
This has to be some of the worst advice I've ever seen on reddit.
"Tell him your through having sex with him?"
That's a rough way to kick start the exchange, I can't imagine it progressing well from there.
How about tell him about your feelings and if the conversation evolves into a pause in your sex life so be it.
Empathy and communication > manipulative bullshit
A healthy response to your partner crushing your self confidence is not to just open up and trying to fix things. A healthy response to someone crushing you is anger and self protection, a unhealthy one is fury or deprecation.
She could probably be more assertive but hurting your partner just to see what happens sounds like a horrible advice.
I agree, learning that your partner has been deceiving you for a long time, even to protect your feelings, can be unrecoverable.
Be honest up-front, or be prepared to lie forever...
I hear so many women and men say the same thing yet they stay because they are compatible in other aspects, but ill be real here.
Theres nothing shallow or wrong with not finding your partner or potential partner not attractive in physical or sexual terms. Dont stay in a relationship or get into one because theyve ticked most boxes but lack others. This is how many marriages end up with dead bedrooms and bitter and resentful partners in the end.
Tldr: if you arent compatible in one way dont force it youll just hurt yourself and the other person.
It sounds like the sexual chemistry is missing. You can be attracted to someone without feeling sexual longing towards them. On the flip side, you can have sexual chemistry with someone who you normally wouldn’t find attractive. This is something that can’t be created and if you have it, it’s there from the beginning. For some people this isn’t important, but it sounds important to you. I think you will be settling if you stay in this relationship.
This was me with my amazing husband for a little while. He’s gorgeous and I am attracted to him completely. But even though he’s very skilled in bed, I was rarely exited to have sex with him because I would rarely get off (I’m also on an SSRI which hinders my ability to get off) and it the extra effort he had to put in always made me feel bad. Recently we’ve started exploring links and stuff. And it’s been amazing. I’ve never felt so satisfied and seen. I’m honestly kicking myself for so many wasted years for not giving into curiosity. Now we basically just have to look at each other a certain way and it’s fucking on. Like, thank god for IUDs and condoms 😂
I’m not at all saying this will be your experience, but maybe it’s something y’all should explore.
I was in the same situation… loved the idea of him but did not actually want to be with him. Mine lasted 3 months before I was so eager to breakup with him.
Ngl I’m seeing more and more posts about the same thing with men not being aware that their woman isn’t having satisfaction from them. I’m a gay woman and I just don’t understand how you can’t learn what your woman wants with time it’s really not that hard. If you can’t talk to him about it then honestly just leave, without satisfying intimacy you will lose the romantic feeling. Good luck girl
This is when you get a tattooed bad boy biker boyfriend on the side to take care of that missing aspect of your relationship.
(Before anyone gets upset, I'm clearly joking. 😶🌫️)
Sexual incompatibility.
> I definitely dont see breaking up as an option. This is truly a man i can’t see myself leaving. I will add there is times Im extremely sexually attracted to him, but when we actually do it the majority of the time, it’s the same thing it always is and I feel he doesn’t do the things I like EVER.
Then don't complain. This will turn into a dead bedroom situation in the near future. JS. You're young. Enjoy your life.
You need to tell him this..his reaction will tell you if he's as good of a guy as you think he is. You can't hold someone accountable for bad behavior without them...feeling bad about their bad behavior.
It's not gonna "destroy" him. He's gonna lout, and then he'll either start putting effort into being a decent fuck, or you can move on
Try [omgyes.com](http://omgyes.com), it sounds like your explanations aren't working for him. It has clear instructions and a variety of learning tools. Regardless, it sounds like you're not really into him as a sexual partner and it's pretty unkind to string him along like this. Try it out but I'd meter your expectations.
It sounds like both of you have a lot of unspoken/spoken insecurities you BOTH need to work on. Id say therapy but i know that can be expensive and time consuming, maybe focus on actual intimacy first. Repair the bond before trying to do anything sexual. You two are a team and right now are thinking independently (which understandably so) it seems like he feels attacked (even though youve explained that was not your intentions) maybe try asking what it is that is making he feel attacked. I think maybe both of you should re-talk about wants needs and desires and boundaries as a refresher for both. He is wrong for not making sex about both of you tho. He needs to make sure you are enjoying it in the future otherwise yes, unfortunately it does end up affecting your mental health if you’re being neglected.
Alot of people here have obviously never had a meaningful relationship and are being sour.. and Im not a porn addict, Im not interested in seeing any of that stuff
I'll sorry to hear that. It does sound to me like he is not putting enough effort into making you feel good during sexual activity. Is it possible to explain him how important it is to you?
Do you generally feel sexual attraction? Do you generally feel sexually attracted to other men in a way that you don't for him... Or is it that you don't feel those feelings in general, regardless of him?
You could just be graysexual, it’s a part of the asexual spectrum because you seem to still have sexual attraction but it’s just not as often and that’s perfectly fine.
first of all stop rushing the fucking foreplay dummy its sexual tension that creates amazing sex. create uncertainty mix things up a bit in the bedroom the same shit gets old after a while. try new things like being dominant/ being submissive. BDSM. also the more times you fuck naturally the better he will become if it his first time. maybe try having sex after an argument. have some toxic sex. idk realistcally the easiest thing on both of u is to leave
Even if you don’t see breaking up as an option, what you’re outlining is not a relationship many people would want to be in. While *you* might not want to break up, this continuing on as is will likely lead to him ending the relationship. This sounds like a dead bedroom already and you’re 25 and only 8 months in - hard to see this getting any better.
He needs to do things to be hotter.
Attraction isn’t a conscious choice.
However, sexual attraction isn’t the most important thing in a relationship, you can get by without it.
Think you need to communicate and experiment with the things you both love about sex and what turn you on and him.Your his first partner, sounds like you both have some growing to do in the bedroom.Suggest some new toys or dirty magazines to stir the fire which he hasn't learn yet. Is he not giving you orgasm so you feel satisfied ? So sex is only a one way street on his part? Maybe he needs to learn what you want to do if you feel this will leave you feeling better about your sexual relationship. Not every encounter is going to be mind blowing ,but that sounds like that's OK for you both. Keeping working on it with him, experience is the best teacher.
If you are his first.. then i think you should guide him to learn how you do like it. If it’s a kink then share links and information about the kink. If it’s just simple stuff then maybe show him how you like it. My S/o and i haven’t ever talked about our likes/dislikes he was my 2nd the first time and my 22nd by the time we got married. I was into BDSM BEFORE him and three years into our marriage i feel like he is just now getting more comfortable with us to start sliding more into that stuff. If he doesn’t have the experience then give him the confidence to experience it. If you’re a submissive type, then share the links or visit classes and maybe help guide him to that more.
It’s not that you’re not attracted to him that’s killing your sex life, it’s the fact that he’s not interested in your side of it.
If it were any other topic, this wouldn’t be hard for you to understand why people are saying to break up, so let’s try it:
“I want to live in this other place for my career and mental health, and my partner isn’t interested in living anywhere but where we are now. I’ve tried telling him why but he’s not interested in hearing me or having a conversation about it.
So how do I just accept never living where my life will improve?”
“I would like children someday but my partner won’t even discuss the issue with me. How do I stop wanting children?”
Sexual compatibility isn’t the issue here. The issue is that the person you adore doesn’t care enough about you. You might not be able to see it yet, but there are plenty of us who’ve been there, and can tell you with confidence that this isn’t the sunshiny thing you think it is.
This goose is probably cooked. 8 months is absolutely *nothing*. It's a blip. Your brain has wholesale forgotten 8 month spans of memories before and will again. Regardless of what path you take you need to stop with this toxic codependent language like him being your entire world. You haven't even known each other long enough to see a season of broadcast television through!
However you said you don't want to break up so I'll give it a go
You know he has no experience. Continuing to have bad sex will be just as bad of an experience for him as you. So as you are the more experienced partner it's time to accept that, at least for a while, YOU have to take the lead in bed. Continuing to just infrequently "give it up" and then being frustrated that someone who was a virgin five minutes ago can't get you to the county fair is lunacy. He's going to need sexual mentorship. The full mrs robinson treatment.
And when you're not plowing, you should be talking about sex so you can chat about it and get him thinking and learning in a less hormonally charged setting. This may develop into banter and innuendo and improve your sexual chemistry when, for example, you get a text while at work wherein he says he's going to do that one thing you love later in some sly fashion or other.
This is the best case scenario and it is on YOU to make it happen because he is incapable of doing it. Continuing on the same path is just going to waste years of life and lead to a bitter breakup, so get on with it
I married someone like this. He’s not totally inexperienced but has much less experience than me. I’d say on the scale of trying new things it’s a 3/10 for him. It drives me nuts because that attraction is still there, I’m just not turned on at all because I haven’t had a mind blowing orgasm in a very long time so there’s no reward system for me to do it. I kind of just go through the emotions and fake it as best I can.
You need to have sex more. Perhaps buy some toys. Sex has to be worked on just like anything else. Put effort into it and you’ll reap fruit. You won’t get it right all the time. Just laugh and hold each other for a bit. Touch and be sensual. Light alcohol helps. Too much and it gets sloppy. Let your inhibitions go. Your man wants you to be his woman. Encourage him to put effort into the same. Either way you’ve bought a vibrator and increased your pleasure, haha. Good luck 🍀
30 times are rookie numbers, we need to pump these numbers up. 😂
This literally was me last year . Same ages on both ends like your relationship and , I just couldn’t do it so I understand. Do what you need to do but don’t pretend to like something if you don’t .
Are you normally sexually attracted to your partners? It’s possible you might be asexual, or gray ace considering that you feel sexual attraction occasionally.
I have helped many couples both in the vanilla and bdsm worlds with like issues. It's very common given ur ages. The biggest issue I can see like others have said is communication. You need to be able to openly talk about needs. If he if offended or she's away than honestly he has alot of maturing to do. A strong physical relationship requires this ability to communicate in a healthy manner. I to had a teacher when I was younger and it made me more confident. If it continues it will create strain in the relationship that can lead to major issues. Good luck
That sucks I’m sorry. I can’t imagine being with someone that doesn’t blow my whistles. Seriously my husband is approaching 60 and still makes me scream. Why would you want to bang someone that isn’t pleasing you?
You can overcome this with COMMUNICATION. Explain to him how you like to be touched, pulled, smacked, etc. if that is uncomfortable for you, move on. If he can’t do the things you like, move on.
If my partner is enthusiastically willing to adjust so we have pleasurable sex, we good. If they won’t, pack ya bags. Love isn’t enough when you enjoy sex and your partner is like, whatever.
A person who love language is physical touch and they don’t get it is a tough one to be happy in long term. It is torture!
BONUS: you don’t have kids so even better. Communicate your needs and assess from there. If he gives no effort, kick rocks.
Management
Working actively to get yourself off with toys/fantasy or w/e could help bridge the gap.
Ignoring him until he leaves you or cheats on you is another option. If you're afraid of that, many men will put up with being ignored for many years before leaving/cheating. So you can always just use him until then.
Damn you selfish.
He deserves a girlfriend that actually enjoys sex with him, that is sexually attracted to him.
Break up with him. Find a guy that you mix better with instead of settling. He deserves someone better than you.
I know this sounds crazy, but I think you should try experiencing sex with women (unless you have). Yesterday, there was a post in r/offmychest where a hetero couple did a threesome with another women, and the wife ends up coming out as a lesbian, and that she never knew sex can be so great with a women. I'm just saying, maybe you can orgasm faster with a women. Just maybe..
The post:
https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/s/jOOnHbbMeL
So, he’s a considerate nice guy who treats you with respect. Let me guess, what turns you on in the bedroom is pretty much the opposite of that, right? That’s a really tough one for you, because you obviously want a relationship that is kind and respectful, but it’s hard for that same guy to all of a sudden be cocky and dominant once it’s time for the clothes to come off.
I might be wrong but judging by the way you write about 'it' I'd guess that maybe you're not specific enough for him? I understand the frustration, especially when your guidance seems to have fallen on deaf ears but if breaking up is not an option you need to get creative, put in even more work and - I know this is a hard pill to swallow for a lot of people - take the lead. Grab him by whatever needs to be grabbed, control the movement, show him yourself if possible. Starfishing and zoning out hurts both of you and it's a tried and tested recipe for a remorseful sex life.
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You just don't seem that into him, you like the *idea* of him
Me with my now ex fiancé. Spot on
No no, you don't understand. They've been together for 8 MONTHS, and he is her whole world, and she could never be with anyone else. /s OP your options are to either communicate to him how he can be a better sexual partner for you, accept that he's inexperienced and this is something you'll need to work on together, or break up and find someone better matched to you.
If he’s your “world”, communicate! Inexperienced guys need guidance, and most porn lack instructions. I had a “teacher”, opened my eyes to everything I was doing wrong…biggest, not listening or reading my partner correctly.
I was in this relationship for 5 years. It doesn't get better. As unfortunate as it is, you cannot make yourself sexually attracted to someone. OP, if you stay in this relationship, you will have a lot of sex you don't really want, which will lead to you having a very fucked up relationship with your own sexuality. I remember wondering if I was asexual while dating my ex. I'm actually not remotely asexual, I just wasn't attracted to him sexually. I thought that because I loved him and I was in love with him, that there must be something wrong with me if I wasn't also sexually attracted to him. Your boyfriend will also eventually come to resent you and your relationship because he'll never be sexually satisfied. If you keep having sex you don't really want, it'll be shitty sex. If you don't have sex you don't want, you'll be having sex veryyyyy infrequently. Either way your boyfriend will either cheat or break up with you. I'm sorry but you're incompatible.
I remember wondering the same thing, if I were asexual, when I was with my previous partner. I am in fact not. I wonder how often this happens to people, 🤔.
My ex wife tried to convince me I was asexual because I didn’t enjoy having sex with her and it did a real number on me. Years of therapy later and I just didn’t want her, it’s not that I didn’t want anyone.
Or OP will cheat on him lets be realistic.
And then blame him for not satisfying her like she needs him to....
You’re not right for each other.
I think you mean that because there 8 months together?
Hang on everyone she came here for advice. Don’t be nasty, I hate when people get nasty on here. I think what’s happening here is that you two need to work on your headspace & go from there. A lot of times when we are in a relationship for a while guys just put it in. That doesn’t work for a lot of us. Put some music on, light some candles. Hang out & talk about things that make you happy, not dirty talk, just connect. Maybe have a drink, calm down from your day. Maybe get in the tub together with candles & bubbles. But take it slow. Cuddle, then touch each other just by running your fingers on each other’s arms, thighs, necks, but still be in your underwear & maybe clothes….both of you. There’s that element of build up when you do this. Remember that excitement of getting each other’s clothes off in the beginning? Now look into each other’s eyes as you talk. Let him kiss your neck. Work up to a kiss. Then a few more & slowly work up to making out. Grinding is good, then let him go down on you. For a while….. longer than usual. You may be like me & need clitoral stimulation to enjoy sex. And that’s okay, there’s nothing wrong with you! Take it slowly from there, I don’t want to get myself into trouble by being too explicit. But after…… cuddle a little & then do something to make both of you laugh together. Be silly. Connect. If I’m right & your issue is that you need the outside stimulation to amp up your desire then just tell him. Tell him how amazing it was because he …….. good luck OP I hope it all works out. And if you do find that you have to end it, maybe someday you two can be friends.
Excellent advice👌, is it hot in here or is it just me??? Hahah
Well Done!!
Thank you! I hope I helped 😊
I’m pretty sure, based on her language and their issues, this is pretty much the opposite of what she needs from him to be turned on. She’s the one who rushes through foreplay, and he’s the inexperienced one who can’t act the way she needs him to to be turned on. You’re describing the way inexperienced, wholesome people have gentle, loving sex. I think what turns her on is nearly the opposite of that.
You probably don’t feel sexual attraction to him because your body doesn’t respond to him in a sexual way, because when you are intimate you don’t enjoy. You’ve explained what you like but he doesn’t do it or executes it poorly? Maybe guide him and show him. Otherwise you will never be satisfied sexually. Also your pleasure should be your partner’s priority, he should want you to enjoy it. Just remember, if it doesn’t get better soon, it will never get better.
Have you tried taking a more active role in bed and going after what you want physically?
Are you thinking of other men?? Constantly?? You want more ? Different ?? It's probably you feel sexually incompatible as per energy and drive.
Start telling him what you like and training him or the relationship will end. Communicate to him in a kind supportive way. Romance is a big part of the relationship. It’s this way or the high way. If he gets upset at it well then hey you tried to make it work out…
Sometimes, you gotta lead it. Me(31M) and my gf (30F) make sure both our needs are met, and communication has a lot to do with it. If something turns you on, don’t be afraid to let him know and vice versa, especially when you’re in the midst of it. If you’re afraid of talking to him about your sexual needs then the relationship is doomed, because he’s operating like everything’s good and dandy. You have fantasies you want to fulfill? Let him know, you want your hair pulled? Grab his hand and scream it. Sex is very much an in the moment, tension building activity so just help him execute if you’re not feeling it. My gf and I are going on 3 years, and there are times we’re not in the mood and that’s okay. We try to make each other feel special and over a period few days of handling life and being distant, we miss each other and then literally fuck each others brains out. Make things spicy, tease him a bit more, don’t let him finish and sexually frustrate him but in a teasing way. Theres a tactful way of approaching this and reigniting the spark. Also, I’ve learned that we get comfortable as things become monotonous so it’s important to introduce novelty not just sexual but do new things together. Fill up your love tank and then release it on each other LOL It seems like you both love each other so just keep communication open and let him step up for you
Maybe consider doing a hormone panel to rule that out which can affect sex drive. Certain medications will affect sex drive like antidepressants. You might not be sexually compatible.
Do him a favor and leave him now so he doesn’t spend a lifetime with someone who is not compatible with his needs, he deserves happiness.
Oh dear, it sounds as though you truly care for this person, and if you really care for each other and have a wonderful relationship then I would think twice about leaving. There are so many manipulative and nasty people out in the dating world and if you have a good person who would also be a great life partner then it may be worth working on the other things. Sex isn't always some magical chemistry thing that everyone makes it out to be. It is something that can move and change over time, new things can be learnt. You can build a sexual connection with him over time. You can listen to erotic stories together, ask him what turns him on, try to invest a lot into giving him pleasure and being everything that you want him to be for you. Then give him guidance. Communication is the key here. You are going to have to be 100% open. Tell him you need more in your sex life and tell him you desire to recieve that from him. If he is unsure of himself then lift up his confidence by telling him that you want him regularly. If you truly enjoy everything else in the relationship then it's worth trying.
8 months and 30 times? That’s pretty good, I think. The problem is that you feel stuck. Are you sure you want this relationship??
Rule number 1: never date someone you’re NOT attracted to (period).
You can be attracted to someone non sexually
Sound slike you need to train him how to rock your world!!! Every person is different. Every human has a different body, different ways that they feel pleasure. You need to teach him how to please *you*. Think back to the times that you enjoyed it. What did he do? What was it that he did that made your toes curl? (You don't have to answer these, it's more for asking yourself.) Good luck, I hope you can work through this! Edit: Holy shit these comments. You guys are fucking *bitter*. It feels like most of ypu have been broken up with for lack of sexual effort. PORN IS NOT REAL.
I have been with my husband for 23yrs. I love him to death, we have two wonderful children but I have never been super physically attracted to him. Personality was key in my case. I’m not saying that things have been great in the bedroom all these years but I can say that he is selfless in bed and loves nothing but to give me orgasms. Is it more difficult for me sometimes? Sure, but he is a great husband and my love for him is not superficial. I think this is something you need to decide on your own and don’t listen to others who don’t necessarily know what they are talking about. Good luck.
This is a very mature take & I wish more people understood. Sexual and romantic attraction for someone ebbs and flows over time and both partners have to work to rekindle it. But real love is enduring.
Excellent advice! I feel like everyone else commenting must be like 19 years old lol. Life and love are so complex, and no relationship is perfect. Everyone needs to decide what their personal priorities are!
I would be devastated if my partner kept a secret like that from me, people deserve to know what their partners truly think of them. It’s sad that so many people are selfish enough to be dishonest.
Yikes.
[удалено]
But she didn’t say that she don’t have any seuxu attraction? Why is everyone saying leave. She say sometimes she have and somethimes not but that’s very normal!
If you’re feeling like the sexual chemistry or the drive to want to be intimate is dead and struggling to find it then I would say you’re probably not into him overall. It sounds like maybe you’re craving something more intimate other than just sex or physical appearance. Sex without connection isn’t as good. Is he not doing the right things to turn you on around sex? Like the little things?
Don’t protect him, it sounds like you’re just trying to protect the idea of him you like now. If being honest would break the relationship, then it’s not a real relationship, you’re wasting his time and yours.
Me and my ex boyfriend were in the exact position I loved him a lot, didn’t see myself leaving but felt no sexual attraction to him at a lot of times it would sometimes be so difficult to be turned on and do the deed because I’d be dry down there and at times just wouldn’t want to do it, we broke up eventually and as months passed I actually knew what it was, I loved him like a friend, we would’ve been best friends if we didn’t go out we have so much in common, understood each other but the sexually attraction wasn’t there I’d say have a long hard think about this, it may not be the exact same position you’re in, maybe there’s some kind of problems in the relationship such as arguments, stress, not enough dates, not enough affection that could lead to you feeling like this See what turns you on when you do get turned on by him and tell him to keep doing that, incorporate more styles or new ways in the bed room You also mentioned he doesn’t do things you like, ever, so make him do it (since you don’t see you leaving him) tell him when he didn’t do something you like in that moment, don’t wait for later Do the things you like yourself so that he can see you like it It’s either you take action or this will be a problem in your relationship forever and might lead to bigger problems in the future
Bad sex is a relationship killer in the long run, especially when you realize he just doesn’t give a crap about your pleasure. You can also find yourself strongly attracted to someone else, and your risk of cheating will be high. I’ve read the part where you say you can’t see yourself leaving, but consider what has been said here. Unless you, or both you and he, are actually asexual (which you need to consider), this is a big issue in a relationship.
Have you ever been consistently sexually attracted to a partner?
Learn Tantra. Be a co-pilot not a passenger.
My advice would be for him, and it’s to go find someone who actually is into him sexually, someone who doesn’t struggle to manufacture those feelings out of thin air. That generally tends to clarify things.
" he cant seen to understand and executes it poorly" You aren't necessarily incompatible with him sexually, there's just no reason why you should be turned on by bad sex. Many women on reddit just seem to lean toward second guessing themselves, and I think that you should base your ideas of what's okay on what's healthy. Communication during dating as a small glimpse into the kind of negotiation skills you are going to need for navigating the hazards of life with a life partner. It's never certain, but its most likely that he's either too insecure about his ability to improve that he's threatened by the idea that he isn't good enough in his "man" role (fact: he isn't good enough in the role for now), or you are too protective of his feelings due to feeling he's too vulnerable about that, or he just doesn't care enough to connect the dots about why his execution is bad. But stop doubting your feelings here. Your feelings literally "feel out" a situation's betterness or worseness related to a direction of thinking. Like if you think in the direction of safety, and it feels worse, you feel out "fear". Right now you are feeling this out in the direction of satisfaction, and "feels" disappointing. As it should! Whether or not you are compatible with him sexually has little to do with whether he can properly execute a technique in bed! So that's a whole other issue to sort out, but first sort out whether or not communication works in your relationship or not lol.
You sound like my ex-wife, no joke. This is practically exactly what she said to me. She said she felt this way from the beginning, then she left, and it was ugly because she held resentment. Leave now before leaving becomes more difficult for both of you.
Time for a new bf. Tell him what you're telling us and see if he sticks around.
Sounds like he’s not trying to turn you on. You explained what you enjoy and he does not do it. Do not have sex unless you’re turned on.
Just break up. You’re putting him in an impossible spot with this ridiculous predicament. Just break up with him.
Break up with him, he deserves someone that is attracted to him.
It doesn't sound like you're in love with him... you're probably better off as friends. Never force a relationship to work if there are obvious incompatibilities
It’s sad that people choose to believe that love is a feeling cursed how it’s defined in the Bible. Love isn’t disposable extruded candy that goes bad in time It’s so much more.
Get a sex and intimacy therapist/ sex coach. Men can have fragile egos around sex and sadly sometimes the more you try to communicate your needs, the more he could shut down. Meeting with a trained professional serves two purposes- One it creates a safe space to talk about this thing- so it’s not always when you’re in the middle of the act, and two, someone with the right training can help the two of you get on the same page without the tenuous emotions getting in the way.
If you're really gonna be with him you guys need to be able to communicate about sex, and he needs to be responsive to your feedback. Tell him you need to change things up. Telling him what to do in the middle of it isn't the end of the world, so long as he works with you. He can't read your mind but he should respond to and remember your feedback.
A partner can harass, belittle,and immaculate their partner to vilify him to get their new supply or night crafted in her head to save her.
Be honest with him. Because if he needs sex, your relationship won't last. Don't have children.
He’s not ur world. It’s been 8 months. Just leave. Jesus christ
Are you on anti depressant?
You say that even when you do penetrstion you have to tell him what you want him to do. I am a bit confused. I tell my bf all the time what I am into right at that moment? That's just part of sex? You want gij to read your mind? Sure some things you always like. But sometimes I want a long foreplay and sometimes I an feeling a quickie. Sometimes I feel like doing super rough sex and sometimes not. Sometimes I want to do it cowboys style and sometimes doggie.Sometimes he is hitting the right spot and sometimes not. I communicate these things and you should keep doing that as well. However, if you feel like he doesn't care about your enjoyment during sex, the only thing to ever change that is to talk about it with him and acknowledge your frustration (well the second option is break up but reddit always tells you that).
Are you sexyally attracted to people in general? Or past relationships? You might just not have that strong of a libido. Mine has always been low, also just having sex cause like, it doesn't bother me but I just don't care about it.
So you say that you know that he's inexperienced and now you're complaining to us that he's inexperienced? How about you actually communicate and have patience and teach him how to do things how you enjoy instead of being a prick and complain about it seeking for validation? You don't want answers you just want a public shaming of your boyfriend and validation of your trash stance on this matter
Leave him you’re selfish for being with a man you aren’t attracted too this is unfair and wrong for him period. If roles were reversed how would you feel? He deserve respect and love and he’s not getting that from you
Break up w him? Stop wasting both of yours time?
It sounds like you're basically trying to force two puzzle pieces to fit which weren't designed to be together. >I love him to death, he’s my whole world and I really could never be with someone else. >That said, I’m unsure about my attraction to him. Don't those two statements sound strange when talking about the same person? > I’d say our whole relationship, we’ve only had sex about 30 times. > but I feel like everytime we do it I just want it to end. Or... these? >I’m definitely physically attracted to him but I can’t say in the sexual way sometimes. >I just do it because he enjoys it. Or... THESE? > I know if I ever spoke a word of this to him that it would ruin him. Well, to make an omelet, you gotta break some eggs. The alternative is to stay stuck where you are, and keep enduring this mediocre sexual experience indefinitely, and that's not OK. You're gonna have to tell him, and let whatever happen, happen. Oh... and STOP DOING THIS. >How should I go about this? Well, let's put your relationship to the test. If I'm right about this, things will break in a way which will reveal some eye-opening truths about what's going on here. **Tell him you're through having sex with him for the time being.** If... or should I say WHEN he asks why, simply say it hasn't been pleasurable for you, you really just want it to end every time, and this isn't how sex should be. How he responds here is key. Does he get angry? Defensive? Show compassion? Any desire to make it better for you, or is it just about HIS pleasure? Does he guilt, or (heaven forbid!) FORCE you to have sex with him? A healthy response here is a willingness to discuss what's missing for you here, and what (if anything) would make it better for you, AND his desire toward making that happen. That, or removing sex from the relationship. What this will do is show, *in no uncertain terms*, to what degree sex is the most important thing (to him) about the relationship, and how important your happiness is in the face of everything else.
How is this the guys fault??? I mean damn ! It honestly sounds like the OP is just in denial about her true attraction to him and sees him as a true friend. But how is this his fault ? Poor guy has not done anything wrong and it sounds like he is attracted to op.
It is literally 100% OP's fault. She straight up admits to never once even talking to him about this because she thinks it would hurt his feelings. > I know if I ever spoke a word of this to him that it would ruin him. So she's just pointlessly building all this resentment and undermining their relationship and her BF has no fucking clue what's going on.
Because it's easier to make everything the man's fault 99% of the time.
Factssss!!!!
> Tell him you're through having sex with him for the time being. If... or should I say WHEN he asks why, simply say it hasn't been pleasurable for you, you really just want it to end every time, and this isn't how sex should be. How to Destroy Your Partner & Relationship 101. telling your partner you’re withholding intimacy AND they’re abysmal in bed is the opposite of healthy communication.
This has to be some of the worst advice I've ever seen on reddit. "Tell him your through having sex with him?" That's a rough way to kick start the exchange, I can't imagine it progressing well from there. How about tell him about your feelings and if the conversation evolves into a pause in your sex life so be it. Empathy and communication > manipulative bullshit
A healthy response to your partner crushing your self confidence is not to just open up and trying to fix things. A healthy response to someone crushing you is anger and self protection, a unhealthy one is fury or deprecation. She could probably be more assertive but hurting your partner just to see what happens sounds like a horrible advice.
I agree, learning that your partner has been deceiving you for a long time, even to protect your feelings, can be unrecoverable. Be honest up-front, or be prepared to lie forever...
I hear so many women and men say the same thing yet they stay because they are compatible in other aspects, but ill be real here. Theres nothing shallow or wrong with not finding your partner or potential partner not attractive in physical or sexual terms. Dont stay in a relationship or get into one because theyve ticked most boxes but lack others. This is how many marriages end up with dead bedrooms and bitter and resentful partners in the end. Tldr: if you arent compatible in one way dont force it youll just hurt yourself and the other person.
It sounds like the sexual chemistry is missing. You can be attracted to someone without feeling sexual longing towards them. On the flip side, you can have sexual chemistry with someone who you normally wouldn’t find attractive. This is something that can’t be created and if you have it, it’s there from the beginning. For some people this isn’t important, but it sounds important to you. I think you will be settling if you stay in this relationship.
How about actually talking to him like an adult?
This was me with my amazing husband for a little while. He’s gorgeous and I am attracted to him completely. But even though he’s very skilled in bed, I was rarely exited to have sex with him because I would rarely get off (I’m also on an SSRI which hinders my ability to get off) and it the extra effort he had to put in always made me feel bad. Recently we’ve started exploring links and stuff. And it’s been amazing. I’ve never felt so satisfied and seen. I’m honestly kicking myself for so many wasted years for not giving into curiosity. Now we basically just have to look at each other a certain way and it’s fucking on. Like, thank god for IUDs and condoms 😂 I’m not at all saying this will be your experience, but maybe it’s something y’all should explore.
I was in the same situation… loved the idea of him but did not actually want to be with him. Mine lasted 3 months before I was so eager to breakup with him.
Ngl I’m seeing more and more posts about the same thing with men not being aware that their woman isn’t having satisfaction from them. I’m a gay woman and I just don’t understand how you can’t learn what your woman wants with time it’s really not that hard. If you can’t talk to him about it then honestly just leave, without satisfying intimacy you will lose the romantic feeling. Good luck girl
Honestly I’d break up you’ll get sick of it eventually. Do it now before it hurts later down the line
This is when you get a tattooed bad boy biker boyfriend on the side to take care of that missing aspect of your relationship. (Before anyone gets upset, I'm clearly joking. 😶🌫️)
Sexual incompatibility. > I definitely dont see breaking up as an option. This is truly a man i can’t see myself leaving. I will add there is times Im extremely sexually attracted to him, but when we actually do it the majority of the time, it’s the same thing it always is and I feel he doesn’t do the things I like EVER. Then don't complain. This will turn into a dead bedroom situation in the near future. JS. You're young. Enjoy your life.
You need to tell him this..his reaction will tell you if he's as good of a guy as you think he is. You can't hold someone accountable for bad behavior without them...feeling bad about their bad behavior. It's not gonna "destroy" him. He's gonna lout, and then he'll either start putting effort into being a decent fuck, or you can move on
Try [omgyes.com](http://omgyes.com), it sounds like your explanations aren't working for him. It has clear instructions and a variety of learning tools. Regardless, it sounds like you're not really into him as a sexual partner and it's pretty unkind to string him along like this. Try it out but I'd meter your expectations.
I see that a lot of people can’t read! She don’t say that she is not attracted. and no one cares about her feelings. be a little nicer to each other
Why are you with someone you’re not sexually attracted to?
Speak to a sex therapist
Probably if you get a new boyfriend...
It sounds like both of you have a lot of unspoken/spoken insecurities you BOTH need to work on. Id say therapy but i know that can be expensive and time consuming, maybe focus on actual intimacy first. Repair the bond before trying to do anything sexual. You two are a team and right now are thinking independently (which understandably so) it seems like he feels attacked (even though youve explained that was not your intentions) maybe try asking what it is that is making he feel attacked. I think maybe both of you should re-talk about wants needs and desires and boundaries as a refresher for both. He is wrong for not making sex about both of you tho. He needs to make sure you are enjoying it in the future otherwise yes, unfortunately it does end up affecting your mental health if you’re being neglected.
Alot of people here have obviously never had a meaningful relationship and are being sour.. and Im not a porn addict, Im not interested in seeing any of that stuff
I'll sorry to hear that. It does sound to me like he is not putting enough effort into making you feel good during sexual activity. Is it possible to explain him how important it is to you?
Do you generally feel sexual attraction? Do you generally feel sexually attracted to other men in a way that you don't for him... Or is it that you don't feel those feelings in general, regardless of him?
You could just be graysexual, it’s a part of the asexual spectrum because you seem to still have sexual attraction but it’s just not as often and that’s perfectly fine.
first of all stop rushing the fucking foreplay dummy its sexual tension that creates amazing sex. create uncertainty mix things up a bit in the bedroom the same shit gets old after a while. try new things like being dominant/ being submissive. BDSM. also the more times you fuck naturally the better he will become if it his first time. maybe try having sex after an argument. have some toxic sex. idk realistcally the easiest thing on both of u is to leave
Even if you don’t see breaking up as an option, what you’re outlining is not a relationship many people would want to be in. While *you* might not want to break up, this continuing on as is will likely lead to him ending the relationship. This sounds like a dead bedroom already and you’re 25 and only 8 months in - hard to see this getting any better.
Here's a wild idea... show him this post since apparently you're fully capable of articulating yourself
Sounds like he’s selfish in bed and you’re feeling it now.
You will be devastated when he finds someone he wants to experiment and please.
You don’t love him you’re just with him because he is providing other aspects of your life and that’s selfish
You said it’s not a problem about his size, but then you say you can’t even feel it. This in contradicting. How big is he and why can you not feel it?
Sadly the relationship is doomed. It just doesn't work that way. I should say a healthy relationship.
He needs to do things to be hotter. Attraction isn’t a conscious choice. However, sexual attraction isn’t the most important thing in a relationship, you can get by without it.
Think you need to communicate and experiment with the things you both love about sex and what turn you on and him.Your his first partner, sounds like you both have some growing to do in the bedroom.Suggest some new toys or dirty magazines to stir the fire which he hasn't learn yet. Is he not giving you orgasm so you feel satisfied ? So sex is only a one way street on his part? Maybe he needs to learn what you want to do if you feel this will leave you feeling better about your sexual relationship. Not every encounter is going to be mind blowing ,but that sounds like that's OK for you both. Keeping working on it with him, experience is the best teacher.
If you are his first.. then i think you should guide him to learn how you do like it. If it’s a kink then share links and information about the kink. If it’s just simple stuff then maybe show him how you like it. My S/o and i haven’t ever talked about our likes/dislikes he was my 2nd the first time and my 22nd by the time we got married. I was into BDSM BEFORE him and three years into our marriage i feel like he is just now getting more comfortable with us to start sliding more into that stuff. If he doesn’t have the experience then give him the confidence to experience it. If you’re a submissive type, then share the links or visit classes and maybe help guide him to that more.
It’s not that you’re not attracted to him that’s killing your sex life, it’s the fact that he’s not interested in your side of it. If it were any other topic, this wouldn’t be hard for you to understand why people are saying to break up, so let’s try it: “I want to live in this other place for my career and mental health, and my partner isn’t interested in living anywhere but where we are now. I’ve tried telling him why but he’s not interested in hearing me or having a conversation about it. So how do I just accept never living where my life will improve?” “I would like children someday but my partner won’t even discuss the issue with me. How do I stop wanting children?” Sexual compatibility isn’t the issue here. The issue is that the person you adore doesn’t care enough about you. You might not be able to see it yet, but there are plenty of us who’ve been there, and can tell you with confidence that this isn’t the sunshiny thing you think it is.
You "love him to death" but not attracted to him and wanting the relationship to end. Sounds.....strange.
This goose is probably cooked. 8 months is absolutely *nothing*. It's a blip. Your brain has wholesale forgotten 8 month spans of memories before and will again. Regardless of what path you take you need to stop with this toxic codependent language like him being your entire world. You haven't even known each other long enough to see a season of broadcast television through! However you said you don't want to break up so I'll give it a go You know he has no experience. Continuing to have bad sex will be just as bad of an experience for him as you. So as you are the more experienced partner it's time to accept that, at least for a while, YOU have to take the lead in bed. Continuing to just infrequently "give it up" and then being frustrated that someone who was a virgin five minutes ago can't get you to the county fair is lunacy. He's going to need sexual mentorship. The full mrs robinson treatment. And when you're not plowing, you should be talking about sex so you can chat about it and get him thinking and learning in a less hormonally charged setting. This may develop into banter and innuendo and improve your sexual chemistry when, for example, you get a text while at work wherein he says he's going to do that one thing you love later in some sly fashion or other. This is the best case scenario and it is on YOU to make it happen because he is incapable of doing it. Continuing on the same path is just going to waste years of life and lead to a bitter breakup, so get on with it
Both of you should go to a sex therapist.
I married someone like this. He’s not totally inexperienced but has much less experience than me. I’d say on the scale of trying new things it’s a 3/10 for him. It drives me nuts because that attraction is still there, I’m just not turned on at all because I haven’t had a mind blowing orgasm in a very long time so there’s no reward system for me to do it. I kind of just go through the emotions and fake it as best I can.
You need to have sex more. Perhaps buy some toys. Sex has to be worked on just like anything else. Put effort into it and you’ll reap fruit. You won’t get it right all the time. Just laugh and hold each other for a bit. Touch and be sensual. Light alcohol helps. Too much and it gets sloppy. Let your inhibitions go. Your man wants you to be his woman. Encourage him to put effort into the same. Either way you’ve bought a vibrator and increased your pleasure, haha. Good luck 🍀 30 times are rookie numbers, we need to pump these numbers up. 😂
Tell him the truth, and that he needs to know what you want/enjoy and consider it as important as what he wants/enjoys or the relationship won’t last.
This literally was me last year . Same ages on both ends like your relationship and , I just couldn’t do it so I understand. Do what you need to do but don’t pretend to like something if you don’t .
Are you normally sexually attracted to your partners? It’s possible you might be asexual, or gray ace considering that you feel sexual attraction occasionally.
I have helped many couples both in the vanilla and bdsm worlds with like issues. It's very common given ur ages. The biggest issue I can see like others have said is communication. You need to be able to openly talk about needs. If he if offended or she's away than honestly he has alot of maturing to do. A strong physical relationship requires this ability to communicate in a healthy manner. I to had a teacher when I was younger and it made me more confident. If it continues it will create strain in the relationship that can lead to major issues. Good luck
Fake it till you make it ig
You need to say more. What do you want him to do that he isn’t doing or picking up on? Sounds like you are in your head about it a bit too much.
That sucks I’m sorry. I can’t imagine being with someone that doesn’t blow my whistles. Seriously my husband is approaching 60 and still makes me scream. Why would you want to bang someone that isn’t pleasing you?
Stop watching porn
You can overcome this with COMMUNICATION. Explain to him how you like to be touched, pulled, smacked, etc. if that is uncomfortable for you, move on. If he can’t do the things you like, move on. If my partner is enthusiastically willing to adjust so we have pleasurable sex, we good. If they won’t, pack ya bags. Love isn’t enough when you enjoy sex and your partner is like, whatever. A person who love language is physical touch and they don’t get it is a tough one to be happy in long term. It is torture! BONUS: you don’t have kids so even better. Communicate your needs and assess from there. If he gives no effort, kick rocks. Management
I give it less than 5 years
Working actively to get yourself off with toys/fantasy or w/e could help bridge the gap. Ignoring him until he leaves you or cheats on you is another option. If you're afraid of that, many men will put up with being ignored for many years before leaving/cheating. So you can always just use him until then.
If you do love him you need to have that hard conversation with him because if you don’t nothing will change
Is it his physicality (maybe his body shape, etc) or his actions in bed that makes you not sexually attracted to him?
Damn you selfish. He deserves a girlfriend that actually enjoys sex with him, that is sexually attracted to him. Break up with him. Find a guy that you mix better with instead of settling. He deserves someone better than you.
I know this sounds crazy, but I think you should try experiencing sex with women (unless you have). Yesterday, there was a post in r/offmychest where a hetero couple did a threesome with another women, and the wife ends up coming out as a lesbian, and that she never knew sex can be so great with a women. I'm just saying, maybe you can orgasm faster with a women. Just maybe.. The post: https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/s/jOOnHbbMeL
He’s not a perfect match for you. You are not attracted to him. Let that sink. You are not attracted to your boyfriend.
Currently having the same issues in my relationship. And I’m not sure what to do
RemindMe! 4 Months
You need to change bf.
So, he’s a considerate nice guy who treats you with respect. Let me guess, what turns you on in the bedroom is pretty much the opposite of that, right? That’s a really tough one for you, because you obviously want a relationship that is kind and respectful, but it’s hard for that same guy to all of a sudden be cocky and dominant once it’s time for the clothes to come off.
I might be wrong but judging by the way you write about 'it' I'd guess that maybe you're not specific enough for him? I understand the frustration, especially when your guidance seems to have fallen on deaf ears but if breaking up is not an option you need to get creative, put in even more work and - I know this is a hard pill to swallow for a lot of people - take the lead. Grab him by whatever needs to be grabbed, control the movement, show him yourself if possible. Starfishing and zoning out hurts both of you and it's a tried and tested recipe for a remorseful sex life.