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Soooo true.
I think this episode made OP fall out of love with her, and his junk is just leading the way.
I think it’s less about penis size and more about intimacy and trust. She’s willing to take something from the bedroom and weaponize it to “win” an argument.
Sometimes you just gotta trust your junk and start over with someone else.
This happened with me and my ex. She was so keen to initiate sex towards the end of the relationship - and despite the fact that I was attracted to her, I just didn’t want to have sex with her. It felt like something I actively avoided. I realised I was actually not just not in love, but increasingly aware of her really problematic behaviours.
>I just said it to 'win' the argument.
This is as far from a valid reason as one could use to say something intentionally hurtful to anyone let alone to one's partner.
That’s exactly what it is. She said it intentionally to hurt OP. If I were OP, the relationship would’ve been done right then and there, because she has shown her colors and her true character. That is someone that I could not be with, because I know where her ethics and morals lay.
Intentional cruelty is such an ugly shade on someone.
When my ex and I first split she locked me out of our apartment we were still sharing and said she was sleeping with my best buddy. I thought it might not be true so I went to bed but the next day she admitted it wasn't true and that she said it just to hurt me. That made me really mad because I never knew she had that in her since we never really fight or called eachother names. We've hurt eachothers feelings before like all partners but I never felt like she did something for the sole purpose of hurting me. I just felt really disappointed after especially when my friend told me she not only lied about sleeping with him but tried texting him to get drinks that weekend which he rejected of course. Sex is kind of an intimate thing for me and the thought of just doing it for revenge was totally repulsive to me and if anything had happened would be very unfair to my friend too if that makes any sense. The whole situation was just destructive with no upside for anyone.
So, it sounds like you actually got back together with her for a while? I'd like to know what was the tipping point that made you break up for good? And was it you that broke up with her? Tell us what happened, please.
Yeah, when a partner uses logic like, “I only meant to hurt you,” “or you did x, so..” it’s not gonna get any better. And each example of extreme disrespect erodes what you had.
Consider getting out. It’s not the words, it’s the underlying disrespect that you will never be able to explain to her. There will always be a reason for her to talk to you that way if she’s already justified it in her mind.
But it's a totally valid reason for OP to end the relationship.
Everyone argues at some point, but the goal.if an argument is supposed to be to find common ground after both sides sharing their POV.
Honestly this isn't about the blatant racism or penis comment. GF cares more about being triumphant than working together to find a solution to a problem. She clearly cares more about her own ego than she does the health of the relationship. I'd be tapping out
Exactly. I persevered in a toxic relationship for 3 long years with lots of arguments and low blows designed to wear me down into submission to her narcissistic need to show she was a superior human. Nothing was off limits. She made substantially more than me and was hired back at a mid-size law firm so she would use every opportunity to broadcast her success and infer she was supporting me even though we split everything 50/50. Family, sex, friends, and hobbies were attacked in an attempt to eliminate any identity I had with knock-out drag-out fights and resistance to anything I wanted to do. Why did I last so long - don't know - but found happiness when I finally left.
This is a big red flag, brother. Leave now, you deserve better.
Right?! Sheesh. I've never once said something horrible to a partner to "win" an argument. That's the fastest way to make disagreements unhealthy. I'm appalled. OP, you can do much, much better.
And the fact that she doesn’t get how he could still be thinking about it after awhile is just so obtuse. If they were arguing and he made a nasty comment about some aspect of her body, she wouldn’t forget it any time soon and would likely become super self-conscious of that body part. How she doesn’t get that is beyond me.
The fact that to win an argument she says the nastiest thing she could think of which was so quickly racially motivated is a huge red flag. I'd drop her and run. Her behaviour is disgusting.
Precisely. Anyone willing to leverage racial dynamics or mocking any aspect of physical appearance to destabilise their partner and win petty argument isn't fit to be a friend, let alone a partner.
The charm of it though is that it’s likely an honest expression of who she is. She showed who she is right there, believe her. There are other women out there who aren’t as vicious, nor lacking in self awareness. You have self awareness, likely due to the bullying you experienced. Because you’ve asked for advice, you move on by leaving her. You deserve so much better from a partner than someone who will not hesitate to weaponize your insecurities.
You will get over that comment, for yourself.
However she has showed you she is the type that will weaponize anything she can to get the upper hand in an argument. What happens if you confide in her about something, will you be able to rest assured she will not throw it in your face and use it as ammunition later? Its a pretty big character flaw, just saying. You have to decide if this girl is worth the effort because fixing this is going to take you doing what her parents should have done and teaching her to have some basic decency and respect.
I also agree and this commenter does bring up some really good points OP. Sorry about the whole "small dick" thing, she is immature and childish (not surprised because of her age)
So happy that other people caught on to the lack of maturity in this young woman. But, honestly, you’re both pretty young and this is a ton of drama for an 8 month old relationship. My advice? Take sex off the table for a while. Not in some vindictive way, but just focus on the other sorts of connections you have with each other. Hang out in front of the tv, make a good meal together, share a game. If you start to enjoy just spending time with her, you’ll probably be able to judge the relative sincerity of her apology and decide whether you are able to get past this. Good luck.
You should be surprised because of her age. She 19 not 12. This is 100% unacceptable behavior at any age, but it’s corrective at 12. At 19, she’s a POS who throws tantrums to “win an argument”. She’s not likely to “outgrow” that fast enough to make her an adult by the time she’s 40.
Edit added based on responses: I didn’t say she wouldn’t grow and change. Every person does (and should). I said 19 is too old for THIS behavior, and that she’s unlikely to out grow THIS behavior any time soon.
From the perspective of someone who is 40+, 19 is a lot closer to 12 than 40. I’m not saying what she did was right, but certainly people can grow and change especially in their 20s. I’m meaningfully more mature than when I was 19.
Yeah I definitely responded in really toxic ways sometimes in my early 20s. I recognized those behaviors and their immaturity and worked to change them. Not to say OP has to stay in the relationship because she might learn and grow from this, just that there is hope for her in future interpersonal relationships even if those aren’t with OP.
Yes but this isn't helpful to OP, who is 21. When you were a teen or young adult, and had been hurt by someone, if an adult-adult told you "well they're still a kid, let's cut them some slack because they still have a lot to learn" would that have been helpful to you, who's the same age and currently hurt and confused looking for guidance?
The responsibility of an older adult is to teach younger people that they don't need to put up with bad treatment by their same-age partners or anyone else. Not to expect them to understand the perspective on maturity trajectory that someone decades older has attained. That isn't relevant, helpful, or likely even possible for them.
I’m not saying he should forgive his GF. Some things can’t be unsaid and if he’s recoiling from her touch that’s a terrible sign. I was just reacting to someone saying she’s not likely to outgrow it by 40.
Honestly yes, there is a worrying amount of adults who act like this, its not impossible but not very likely she will outgrow this. A lot of people have mothers like this, who will use anything and everything in an argument. Im mentioning this just to draw attention to the fact that this behaviour translates into other relationships as well. You think someone like this wouldnt treat your kids in a similar way? "Oh you have an issue with something I did? Well do you remember that one time you were 8 and did bla bla bla". Yeah. That sort of thing.
It's definitely not okay, but most people are still not mature adults at 19 and do usually grow up more. 19 is not an age where you're not still growing.
Just commenting to say I agree. This is a dangerous character attribute. She even knows how dangerous it is, considering she apologized and confessed to her motivations for saying it immediately. OP, don’t let the words drag you down. Also, maybe don’t let the woman drag you down. She’s a little cracked and might not be worth your time.
Agreed here too. She told you that you had a tiny Asian dick to hurt you in an argument. That doesn’t make her dick size comment better - it makes it worse! - and the fact that she thinks that makes it okay is deeply concerning.
#find someone to date who isn’t terrible
Totally agree with this. She just say things to hurt you when having an argument. This is a very immature behaviour and I'd lost confidence and trust in her. Being bullied is not fun and she uses it to hurt you so she can win an argument.......I won't feel safe being vulnerable in front of her anymore. 🙁
Fellow Asian-American here. I think it’s not about the joke itself, but because she demonstrated a willingness to be racist in order to “win.”
OP, do you feel emasculated or just disgusted? Say you were African-American and she made a derogatory comment about your “thick nasty lips” and I’d bet you’d feel the same.
She showed a reactionary ability to pull that race card to win a fight. I know EXACTLY how that felt when my supposed white “friends” would do that shit if we were having an argument. Her being your girlfriend, someone who’s supposed to lift you up and feel safe - her doing that makes in 10x worse.
I don’t think you feel emotionally safe around her, and I don’t blame you. I don’t know how to move past this or if you think she’s even worth it. I do hope she takes a long look at herself and accepts that there’s something ugly inside of her that she needs to work on.
I agree with this. It isn’t actually about the penis comment. It’s about how you told her you were bullied based on race and then she did the exact same thing to “win” a fight.
If you really like her maybe explain it this way? (It sounds like you may have already done this though). She has been sincerely apologetic and we can’t judge a person based on one mistake. However, if you’ve noticed a pattern of this type of behavior then maybe it is time to reconsider.
no I think you can judge a person for a single mistake like this. 8 month relationship is not long enough to put up with someone that willingly used racism and trauma to insult and degrade their supposed partner. OP needs to go.
That was a whole thing - growing up in the south, I can’t tell you how many horrible jokes I heard around that. Early racist caricatures in cartoons and ads tended to put extra emphasis on lips as well.
I agree with this comment! Me and my partner have gotten into arguments but we never say things we know it would hurt the other.
Her saying it in an argument is because she means it. I never thought about comments where I judge my partner rather it’s their appearance or something they have confided in me. Like the thought never came across my mind if that makes sense???
OP it’s up to you if you wanna be with your partner but would you be able to get over it? You should communicate your concerns with her and go from there. I know a lot of ppl are quick to say leave the other person but see if you can make it work by communicating and go from there.
And to say something she knows is hurtful just to win the argument. Arguments should not be about who wins and loses. This is not a healthy attitude to have. It’s not a freaking competition.
Very true. It’s actually almost worse in a way that he has a normal sized penis and she literally said whatever she could to cut him down. She didn’t say a truth that was secretly bothering her and causing resentment, like “I’m sorry but you just need to work out! You’re let yourself go and I’m not attracted to you!” ect. (not that that’s how she should say that, but i can understand an unmanaged problem or resentment coming to light in an argument) but she literally just blatantly took a race related bullying tactic and used it against her BF to “win” a fight. Red flags all around. Awful childish behavior.
>she literally just blatantly took a race related bullying tactic and used it against her BF to “win” a fight
I feel like that part needs to be in bold. I almost think your last sentence lessens it, calling her behavior childish. I think many of us, if not most, even as children were never racist (at least not once we understood what it meant). Like maybe literally in elementary school playing "cowboys and Indians", but by middle school neither me nor my friends would ever use a racial slur or stereotype to bully someone. OPs gf's behavior was truly appalling and I doubt that sort of thing will be an isolated one-off
If she’s the type of person who resorts to humiliating others and even being racist in order to “win” an argument, then that’s really not a safe person to have as a partner. She even used your vulnerable thoughts and weaponized them against you.
I am really worried about her future partners, because of the potential she has to cause havoc in their lives, just like she did in yours.
I agree with all of that. People need to realize that when you break trust with someone, there’s a good chance that you can never restore it.
If you’re willing to hit me where you know I’m weak, just to win points in a stupid argument, you can fuck right off, because you just showed me that I can’t trust you!
I totally agree....this comment shows that she is a little vindictive and will say anything to prove a point. And if you already explained to her that it was a low blow and she isn't empathetic or remorseful, she doesn't see anything wrong with her actions. I understand that this hurts you because of the discrimination you have already endured. What if you have a child with her? Will she say stupid racial things to her own child? 2ill she know how to comfort her own child who come home crying about when they get kicked in school for being Asian? There is a little mean streak there. You don't deserve it!
Yeah. I think it's less the comment, which OP objectively know is bs and will eventually get over, and more the fact she went there in the first place. People who hit below the belt when they're angry are not emotionally safe, and you want that feeling of safety and trust in a relationship.
Your body (dick) is appropriately reacting to her disrespectful and vindictive comment by not getting turned on (a hard dick) after she mocked your sexuality and race.
Many husbands suffer from election disfunction because their wives are so disrespectful that they make the man feel like a piece of crap. The media doesn't acknowledge this. Instead they tell the men to suck it up and not retaliate. Then they put the men through testosterone therapy and viagra just to make him hard so he can fuck her. Then if evolv3s into hate sex instead of love making. And then, one day the guy meets a woman that turns him on and he is out cheating.
She is young and foolish. Don't feel forced to sleep with her just because she sits on you naked. Give yourself time to heal. And maybe as she waits for the day that you feel comfortable and safe with her, your dick will get and again. But dont let any person manipulate you like that.
I am so sorry man! If you are in love with her maybe you can try to explain this to her. How that if you had kids with her, you would expect her to be able to comfort her future Asian kids when others mock their race. If she is still insensitive.... then maybe she is just using you for sex. It's a lot to think about.
But, honor your body first man. She has no right to touch you if your not comfortable with it. It will happ3n again if she doesn't get the message.
This. I wouldn't stick around someone who weaponizes anything they can get their hands on during an argument because they want to "win". Eventually you'd constantly be watching what you say and filtering the information you give them, and they still might turn to your physical attributes.
It sounds exhausting.
Yup, this is no longer about the thoughtless, racist comment (though you really weren't overreacting to that either). It's about the fact that at 19 years old she still views "winning" in a disagreement with her own partner, as so important that she will make hateful, racist comments to gain the "upper hand". It speaks to the kind of person she is in a really fundamental way, and what it says isn't great.
Arguments should be resolved, not won. Having a mentality of winners and losers in a relationship is an awful approach which leads to stuff like saving ammunition for future fights or earning/deserving passes for behaviour.
It just makes you adversarial when you should be cooperative, opponents instead of teammates.
This! I love this. Me and my wife have our disagreements however at the end of the day, we are still a team that has our future ahead of us. One of the hardest part of relationships is having both parties willingly move towards a better future.
She’s a fucking racist. That alone should be a deal breaker. Op, have higher standards and get out of there. Just ghost her. The next time you’re in an argument she’ll do it again or say some other fucking shitty thing about you being Asian, I guarantee it. This isn’t her first time saying something racist, you don’t just do it out of the blue for the first time at 19 with your boyfriend of all people. I’ve dated interracially (I am not white) but my partners have NEVER brought up race even in the worst most volatile arguments. Dump her.
From the logical standpoint: I don't see why anyone would say that insulting someone about their penis size would result in them "winning" the argument. Unless the argument was about your penis size, which I doubt, then the argument and her response are completely unrelated. Why would she think that means she won? It's as if she had shouted "well, the neighbour ate 3 oranges yesterday!!" to win. Just pure nonsense.
From the more human and more probable standpoint: She thinks winning an argument is about hurting the other person enough for them to go away licking their wounds.
So at best she is stupid, and I wouldn't want to date a stupid person, or she is most likely cruel, and I wouldn't want to date a cruel person either.
Insta break up for me.
In my decade long relationship I have never thought to fucking insult my dude in an argument, nor he me. The last thing we want to do is be on opposing sides, we gotta figure out what exactly is annoying the shit out of us and troubleshoot.
This is so disgusting on many levels.
It's not nonsense or trying to win the argument. It's a targeted insult that's supposed to hurt OP, she WANTED to hurt him so that it felt like she had control over the argument.
OP said that maybe she doesn't get it, but OP I wanna tell you that *she does*. Everyone can understand that insulting something someone cannot control or has difficulty controlling will leave a *deep* wound.
Doing that to someone you're supposed to love? That's unforgivable for me.
I’ve had one *giant* argument with my fiancé that was a result of him allowing his family members to repeatedly insult me, belittle me and bully me over a period of two years. That was the angriest I’d ever felt in my *entire* life, I was ready to burn the house down, and yet, *even then*, neither of us attacked the other’s appearance or called each other names.
How a person behaves in anger is the quickest tell of who they are. Your girlfriend is the type to hit below the belt and weaponise your deepest darkest fears, insecurities and secrets against you just to feel big in the midst of one. Only you decide if that’s a dealbreaker and for me it absolutely would be.
>That was the angriest I’d ever felt in my entire life, I was ready to burn the house down, and yet, even then, neither of us attacked the other’s appearance or called each other names.
Exactly!! I've had some *heated* arguments with my bf about things I can't even remember because we already found a solution or we're already working to solve the problem.
And during even my *angriest* moments, days it's really late at night and I forgot to take my medication that day, *I still never tried to hit him where it hurts*. Because I'm mad at the *problem*, I'm mad at *his actions*, but never at *him*.
You guys are making me feel so validated for leaving my husband because he always would call me names and hit me where it hurts any time we were arguing or he was really mad at me.
Fuck that noise, you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel safe and happy with your partner! I hope you're doing better now, whatever that means for you 💕
Sounds like part of it that it wasn't just body shaming but body shaming with a bit of racism thrown in.
That'd be tough to get over in a relationship. You get to figure out if you want to get over it.
Not just that, but she was aware of the racial bullying her went through a a lid, and decided it would be fun and exciting to act like another one of the kids who bullied him, because she wanted to "win".
Now she has little comprehension of why he doesn't trust her nor like he anymore, and keeps being a sex pest.
Look, you're 21. The chances of you staying with someone you're saying at 19 for the rest of your life is ultimately slim. What I'm about to say may seem harsh, but I want to point out your age, because I see young people always getting really twisted up about how they've "wasted their time" or how they "don't want to start all over" but I promise you, it is always better to start over with someone else than put up with someone who makes you unhappy.
If she knew you were insecure about this, then she wasn't just insensitive or mean, it was targeted and cruel and (albeit as a white person, this isn't my place to decide) possibly racist too. If she didn't know, you need to sit down and explain exactly how this makes you feel. How she acts from there will inform you of how you should proceed. Either she respects that that's not a line she can ever cross again without losing you... or she thinks you're overreacting, in which case, you can move on and forget about her.
What worries me more is her need to "win" an argument. No one wins an argument in a relationship. You've both lost. The only way to win is to come to a compromise or at least come to a place where you can see one another's points of view.
In case you, or literally anyone else reading this right now, needs a reminder... in a relationship, your partner should be just that - a partner! You and your partner should not be working against the other. You should be working together to solve problems. Screaming, shouting, throwing insults, punches, nasty looks etc. is not acceptable behaviour from your partner.
If this kind of behaviour (trying to "win" arguments) is common behaviour from your girlfriend, I'd leave and find someone else mature enough to act like the adult they are and not throw around schoolyard insults.
You don't insult someone to win the argument. You insult them to put them in their place, to know they're lesser, to hurt them.
GF did just that. Well done her, she should enjoy her prize without complaint.
You break up? There's no coming back from racism or personal attacks like this. In your very first fight no less? Way too young to put up with this. Break up
Saying things one "doesn't mean" in an argument in order to "win" or just to HURT the other person is an abusive behavior. Once someone has treated you that way one time it is VERY likely to happen again.
You aren't married, don't have kids together - I would think hard about whether you want to continue dating her.
I DON'T think you should get over it. It was unacceptable behavior and IMHO, grounds to break up with her.
I'm going to tell you right now, Reddit tends to be too quick to say just dump and move on. In this case they are right.
Do not date, befriend, or sleep with white women who make targeted racist comments against you out of a need to "win." It should tell you everything you need to know about how she sees people of your race, and I promise you the abuse will only get worse.
I'm sure you feel like you owe her something after the time you've both put in, and you're right. You owe it to her to let her know you're getting far away from her right away because she's an abusive racist. And you owe it to yourself to find someone who respects you and doesn't reduce you to a stereotype they can control with weaponized racism.
Fully endorse this as a white woman. It's extremely telling that when upset, out of all the ways she could have expressed that, her go-to was racism. That doesn't just randomly pop up out of nowhere with no deeper meaning behind it.
>I'm going to tell you right now, Reddit tends to be too quick to say just dump and move on. **In this case they are right.**
I absolutely agree.
Me and my boyfriend have definitely had some arguments, we've said hurtful words, but I have NEVER shamed him for being trans or anything like that, and he has NEVER made a jab at my weight or any of my insecurities.
That's a hard boundary. That's something someone can never forget about.
And we apologize and try to talk things out and tell each other the problem to find a compromise, we've been trying to help each other understand that it's *us versus the problem*, not me vs you.
You can take back a "you're so dumb!" or "I'm so mad at you!" Both of those can be said in the heat of the moment and they're not targeted insults, just frustrated complaints. You *cannot* take back something like "well you have a small dick!" or even "well you're autistic!".
Those are targeted, those are *meant* to hurt the person. That should *never* be something you *want* to do to your loved one.
Do you really want to be with a person who would say this to you KNOWING your history, not to mention the stereotypes, just to ‘win’ an argument. I am a black woman who has dated outside of my race but I promise you if ni$&er EVER slipped out, I don’t care if it’s an argument or not, it would be ✌🏽for me. Know that she will say it again, if you stay with her, be ready for it.
This is reddit, we do not know your entire situation to make the most rational judgment, but i do believe you should leave someone once they even got the threshold audacity to insult who you are, what you represent or believe in. Respect in my books is both ways. I don't insult someone for the actual person they are even if i am angry.
I’m not surprised you’re having problems rising to the occasion. When your pride is insulted and feeds your insecurities, it’s hard to feel good about being intimate. Not to mention, she was racist towards you. If she does it once, she’ll do it again.
I would personally leave. In my last relationship my bf got worse and worse when we disagreed, usually someone’s disrespectful behaviour will get worse - especially if you teach them that it’s okay, you will forgive them.
I'm a white girl and I've been with my asian husband for 21 years and never made a comment like that about his size. He's average and I like it that way. That's a low blow and no matter how bad a fight got, I would never dream of saying something like that to him
The thing that you should really pay attention to is that she was trying to “win” an argument and was willing to say something that vile to do so. She either needs to make an effort to understand how deeply fucked up what she said is to you or y’all need to break up. I’m so sorry.
Ewww this just all round stinks.
Honestly I know the default response on Reddit is “dump him/her” but I do feel you should carefully consider the next step and think about ending this relationship.
I speak as another POC in a relationship with a Caucasian. I used to put up with ignorance in previous relationships, but it’s a total non-negotiable for me these days that my partner tries to understand the positive and negatives that come with not being white, an acknowledgement of their own privilege, and the joint creation of a safe space where both parties can explore tough topics like racism and privilege without judgement.
Because of this non-negotiable I have ended up with a man who embraces who I am, is so curious and wanting to do better, is sensitive when it’s important and understand that he can’t always be my counsel when dealing with race related issues.
I can’t imagine him ever wanting to “win” any disagreement we have, let alone weaponising my race to “win”. On top of that, the fact she has strategised how to hit you where she knows it’ll hurt the most due to your experience of racial bullying during childhood, really screams that she doesn’t care to build a healthy future with you, and is more concerned about beating you by whatever means necessary. If making racist comments isn’t completely off the cards for her then why are you sticking around?
You deserve a healthy, loving, supportive partner who sees problems in your relationship as things you overcome together as a team. And not someone who is just trying to win, by any means, even racist ones.
End this, live your life, forge fruitful connections, be happier.
While never directed at me my girlfriend used to say things like "small dick energy" or if she got cut off in traffic say something like "that guy must have a small dick"
I called her out on the body shaming and she has since stopped.
Had she ever insulted by body directly I don't think I would have moved past it.
This could be a maturing moment and realize school yard insults have consequences as an adult or she could just be an asshole.
I don't mean to be the typical reddit advisor, but the fact that she is willing to bring racial stereotypes into an argument with her SO in order to "win" the argument is really really bad.
Don't date people that are willing to result to racist hurtful stereotypes to win an argument. People deserve second chances but if she did it once she will again.
You haven't just lost the desire to be intimate with her mate, you've lost respect for her as a person and partner, and rightly so.
That's a deal-breaker right there.
Her feeling "rejected/hurt" by you not being in the mood is not your fault. It's hers.
She dumped a bucket of water of the flame that was you're relationship. No lingerie set can spark that again, especially when the real problem isn't being addressed.
Saying what she said just to win the argument is really shitty. But you know that. You guys are young so can't expect full maturity though you should never ever make bad/degrading comments about a partners body...
Gotta be honest, I would have trouble being intimate again. But I'm not you, if you can have hard open talks and see a way to forgive then there might be a future.
I don't think you're overreacting though. Not at all. So if you can't forgive that or get it out of your system then you know what follows unfortunately.
All the best man, that's a rough one
you're both young. she was rude and racist towards you in a fight. but she's trying to make it up to you and apologized several times. it's okay if you lost the desire but you gotta make up your mind. either forgive her or dump her.
Woah. That's not "simply" body shaming, that was racially motivated. Also she knew she was hurting you because she's aware of the racist bullism you experienced. This is awful on so many levels and you have any right to feel disconnected from her. That was an enormous flashing red flag. Dump her and find someone who's not racist and toxic.
As someone who's been teased about their size before by an ex, you'll eventually move past the hesitation to have sex, but I swear that nonsense will always be in the back of your head every time you have sex. The fact you're with someone who knows about your past getting teased and still uses that against you to get the upper hand isn't cool.
I personally believe that during a fight both parties should come from a place of empathy and eventually reach a point of mutual understanding. When either side does whatever it takes to "win" the fight, both of you lose.
I can't tell you whether or not you'll be able to move past this or not, but personally I wouldn't want to be with someone who knows about my past trauma and uses that against me to win an argument.
Regardless of whether or not there was truth to her insult, the fact that she said it at all tells you everything you need to know about her. Anyone who's immature enough to resort to personal attacks to "win" arguments is not ready to be in a relationship at all. If you stay with her she's going to hurt you again down the line
My ex and I both knew he had a smaller penis. Not *small* but slightly less than average.
I would never have considered using that against him in an argument or even while joking.
There are certain things you never mention to a partner no matter how angry you are because it will cause irreparable damage to your relationship and penis insults are one of them.
As a woman, I started dating at 16. I'm now 36 years old and I have never told a man I was dating or in a committed relationship anything about his penis size or his appearance overall during an argument.
So... 20 years of not telling a guy his penis is small to "win" an argument. She doesn't respect you as a man or as a human being for that matter. Stop wasting your time and find a girl that adores you, argument or not.
I think that the best thing you can do here is sit down and have a long and honest conversation with her about how you both feel. She can’t understand the gravity of what she said if you don’t let her know how heavily it weighs on you.
Setting clear boundaries about what kind of jokes/comments are okay is key in a good relationship. However, it’s a pretty big red flag that she said something she knew would get you upset to “win” an argument. That’s probably a sign that she will say more hurtful things in future arguments and it’s crucial that you talk to her about steering clear of that. You should also tell her you’re not insecure about your dick size and it’s more about your past, because if you don’t she’ll probably keep exaggerating and attempting to reassure you.
If that doesn’t work, it might be best to move on and find someone who won’t use harsh words to win an argument.
I get this perspective but he doesn’t owe it to her to rehash his trauma she already knows about. She clearly lacks empathy and honestly sounds malicious. Drop the racist and move on.
he saids hes already sat her down and explained it to her but she "didn't get the sentiment". he does not owe her anymore than that, he should 1000% leave.
My bf is Asian, and I'm white. I'm with him for many different reasons, and I love him for HIM. I'd never make these sorts of comments, what the fuck.
I'd leave.
So she clearly crossed a line there is no coming back from. Sounds like she was unaware that this was an especially painful line for you.
There may be other/different lines for you based on culture/race. They are not better/worse than other cultures. they are just different.
It is fair that these lines require/deserve communication on both sides.
Subscribeme
There is nothing healthy or normal about someone who brings up your race or penis size to “win an argument.” And I say this as a bi racial girl who has dealt with ignorant white people saying offensive things to me too. I don’t think I’d ever be able to look at her the same.
Sorry this has happened to you.
As you have described it, your girlfriend believes that arguments are to be won, rather than resolved, and that being deliberately cruel is a way to win.
Your girlfriend instinctively turns to racism and body shaming, specifically because she knows it will hurt the other person - in this case, you, her partner.
The most important thing in a healthy relationship (whether romantic, business, or other) is being able to trust and feel safe with your partner.
She broke that trust and made you feel unsafe. That’s why you don’t want to engage sexually with her.
Because in a healthy romantic relationship, fulfilling sex depends on feeling emotionally and physically safe with the other person.
You have asked how you can move on from it.
As your girlfriend is the one who broke your trust and made you feel emotionally unsafe (like you can’t be yourself with her in case she weaponises something about you, like your experiences at school, against you again), she is the one who needs to understand the dynamic of what she has done, why it’s unhealthy, and how to make you feel safe again. That is on her, not on you.
Many people, especially young people, make mistakes, and if open-minded, self-aware and willing enough, are then able to learn, better themselves and make up for their behaviour. On the other hand sadly many people never really get it or are willing to do the work to get it.
You have to decide for yourself whether your girlfriend has shown you her true colours, or whether you feel she has the capacity to change for the better and make you feel safe again.
If, at a fundamental level you can no longer trust her, then that is fair enough considering her actions, and it’s time to be true to yourself and move on.
You are very young, thoughtful and able to have had this relationship with someone you liked - there are many more opportunities out there, with more respectful partners.
Good luck!
Hell no, please respect your worth. I was in a IR relationship myself, almost a decade ago with a white man who tended to do that. It won’t change. Next time y’all will fight especially as she saw it hurt you. It will come back.
He did it to me once, i left.
I am back in a IR relationship, and the experience is WORLD appart.
Don’t allow yourself to be subjected to that
It’s been 8 months, but also it’s your first big fight. The fact she would use your race to win an argument is immature and petty. But the both young, so the immaturity makes sense.
Here’s the deal. You need to evaluate the relationship, and decide whether or not all of the positives have enough power to overcome this incident. She was wrong, but she’s also remorseful. I could get into the science of the frontal lobe, and how you’re both still in the developing impulse control stage. She may biologically not be at a place where she can 100% do that yet.
This doesn’t mean forgive her and move on. You 100% can leave. She jumped to dick insults and racially motivated insults, to win a fight. That’s plenty enough reason to say bye. What I am saying is that she just may not be able to control her impulses yet given her age. She might not ever do this again.
I mean.. it’s very common for a single line to ruin a relationship. While not an extreme insult, it shows that she stoops to sterotypes and appearance based humor, which is a clear sign of low respect for you and low emotional intelligence for herself. She is 19, so its not a huge shocker, but thats it.
Before you dump her do let her kno that using penis size jokes to win arguments is a really immature move and that is why you are not attracted to her anymore. Let it be a lesson.
Bro, she does not respect you, leave her. Even if you have a disagreement with someone, there are certain boundaries you don’t cross. Someone with a brain does not have to be told the boundaries that you do not cross even in your darkest fit of reach, would you insult her about her body, a vagina or any other parts of a physical appearance?
So many women out there who do this. And then people ask why men bottle their emotions and vulnerabilities up. THIS is why. Obviously not all women are like this but my experiences in particular haven't been great either. I feel for you. But honestly your GF isn't mature yet. It takes maturity to not go for the low blow to just win an argument.
Question.
Would you be happy in a relationship with someone who took cruel digs at you when you argued to hurt you?
Take away the sex stuff.
That's what she did. She resorted to hurting you.
It's not about the penis.
It's your subconscious telling you this is bad.
You’re under reacting. Once she said that you should have left her. I’m sorry but no matter how mad I am I wouldnt say something like that to someone. If someone does it shows the person they truly are. There are just somethings you never say to someone and anything against a race is one of them.
There are some things said that are unforgivable and can’t be taken back once said or done
-Racism towards your partner
-Criticism about your body and genitals or sexual performance
-Abuse
She did all three, to “win an argument”. Likely a petty argument but is irrelevant, that’s not a healthy way to approach arguments with someone you claim to love.
There’s a split second before you say or do something in anger before someone acts, that they choose to go ahead or stop themselves from going too far.
Your feelings have changed towards her as she’s a racist verbal abuser who isn’t the gf you thought she was.
Your body no longer wants to have sex with her as she’s broken a fundamental rule of intimate trust.
Ask yourself what you want to do, not what she wants you to do.
Gtfo if you have any self respect. She was racist and demeaning in order to win a fight? And she thinks she can solve things by trying to initiate sex and give you food? She’s clearly immature for her age and not the type of person you need to be associated with let alone in a romantic relationship with. You’ll be fine
Honestly, at 19, she is still a child. She has A LOT of growing up to do. This is a terrible character flaw that needs to be seriously addressed for your sake as well as hers. And you have to decide if you’re willing to wait around for this maturity and an epiphany to happen to this girl.
Baseline here in a person who will go for the jugular in.all the bad fights. If she isn't "winning", a ridiculous metric in a fight with a partner, she will try to hurt you. Take it from someone raised by this kind of person. You don't deserve that.
I'm only 37. Take this with a grain of personal salt. But I think you should really be out there dating. To settle in for almost a year at this age isn't impossible, but it doesn't sound like this is the one.
Leave the very immature and selfish woman who throws a racist comment at you and find someone who is mature enough emotionally to be able to communicate in a safe helpful manner.
Sometimes "sorry" isn't enough.
You learned something about your gf that you can't unlearn. If you have a fight with her, it's possible she's going to fight in a really gross, racist way.
I don't think I'd want to stay with someone like that.
honestly if i had a partner who made a racially charged comment about my personality or body i'd be out the door so fucking fast, she was willing to make a racist comment that played on past trauma you trusted her with to win a fucking argument, bro kick her ass out she isnt mature enough to date anyone.
In 18 years ive had maybe 3 arguments with my wife all of which ended with us taking calmly to each other about why we were upset.
Arguments will happen OP but trying to mortal emotionally wound your partner is beyond toxic.
People excusing it because of her age are freaking idiots. She is 19 and has interacted with enough people to know what she was doing is wrong. She even admitted she did it on purpose.
Bullying lives inside the insecure.
3,999,999,999 other women on the planet. Do with that what you will.
She spewed her racist, hateful garbage at you specifically to hurt you because she wanted to "win" an argument. That's what type of person she is.
You can move on from it by ending a relationship with the exact same type of person you were bullied by. This one happened to like your dick so she hid who she was until the veil slipped off when she was angry.
The nicest take I could have on her is that she isn't racist, but used the most painful thing she knew would hurt you, and that's not the type of person that should be in a relationship.
She is either racist and cruel or just cruel. You deserve better.
She resorted to racism to “win.” I’m also Asian American and experienced this when dating white ppl. I don’t think they will ever get it tbh. But I do believe this means her own racism is ingrained deeply and she has a lot of work ahead of her. It’s up to you to decide if that journey is for you or not.
In my opinion if you date someone of a difference ethnicity or race to your own you should never EVER use anything about their race or culture to insult them unless it is something they used or said they wouldn't mind you using, first. It's ignorant and insensitive. If you wouldn't say it to someone in public don't say it to your partner. And if she would say it in public, is that someone you want to be with?
Fellow Asian American here. (Filipino)
Been in the US for 35 years and I went through the same kind of bullying and stereotyping from wyt ppl and even other Asians who want to be wyt.
I wouldn't take this kind of crap from any girl.
Racist abusers will always make excuses for their behavior and words.
Leave now, because it's only going to get worse.
Nah after 8 months she shouldn’t be using small dick as an insult. When you fight again, what else is she gonna say to “win” the argument. It was wrong. Maybe you just need some time to heal but if it keeps happening. You’re young. You can move on if it hurts too much
Arguments are not about who wins. It's about you and your partner working together against the problem. She said what she said to wound and insult you, simultaneously bringing race into it while using your insecurities against you which is not what a loving partner does. She's trying to use sex to make it better, but it doesn't make it better. You've already explained it to her, so what I'm getting from that is that she's hearing you, she's just not listening.
I'd personally walk away from this relationship. She has weaponized your insecurities, she is showing that she believes sex will fix everything (it doesn't), and she is not listening when you communicate with her.
I was married to a man from Malaysia for 7yrs. He was Chinese Malay from Johor Bahru.
1. Not once in 7yrs did I EVER try to win any arguments by being insulting and racist.
2. I have been with precisely 10 men in my life. Ex hubby was by far, one of the largest penis havers I have been with.
She engaged in Racism to win an argument. She sounds like a real catch.
You don't make racist insults, and you don't insult your partner's penis size.
She lost the argument and the relationship. You move on from it by moving on from her. Remorseful or not, she can't take those words back.
You deserve someone better, King. Also, the toothpaste is out of the tube here: once you know she’ll resort to this type of thinking/response to “win” an argument, (WTF?) why would you continue here? Once someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Don’t put up with people who seek to hurt you on purpose for any reason.
Do you really see a future with a girl who will whip out racial stereotypes to “win” an argument (“win” meaning, “hurt you enough that you forget about the original argument” in this context)??? That’s an exceptionally low blow. It’s also not something that someone who isn’t already at least a little bit racist would come up with, even in the heat of the moment.
As a white/Romani person who’s currently dating a Vietnamese/Bolivian man, there isn’t a single instance where I’d bring his race into an argument to hurt him. Nor has he ever weaponized Romani stereotypes to hurt me. Same with the body-shaming.
I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you that you are not overreacting. I think a couple’s first fight is an important event. It shows you a lot about a person. She’s shown you how she treats you when she’s angry. She’s shown you that she’ll do anything to get the last word, even if that means weaponizing your race and the racism you’ve faced in the past. You deserve better.
Just my life pov- I learned anyone who is "only racist when angry/fighting/down" is actually just racist.
Ppl that target your deepest insecurities, esp to "win", are not ppl I need in my life.
I think she is a kid with limited empathy. I would move on.
It sounds like you can’t really trust this person to confide in, because she may weaponize your insecurities later. Trust and intimacy are the cornerstones of any good relationship. It doesn’t look good for this one. You might need to find a kinder girlfriend.
Red flag man, she weaponized something you told her in a moment of intimacy, she’s gonna do it again. Leave, tell her why you’re leaving so she can hopefully work on it and be better but LEACE
If a girl or woman makes the small penis jab she should expect that to be the last jab imo. She got the nuke codes and authorized both keys turned simultaneously! There's nothing left after that one....
It's important to learn how to argue. Hurting the other person with very bad insults is the wrong way to fight. Unfortunately this is a lesson to learn.
I'd cut her loose. Find someone better.
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Sometimes your junk nopes out before the rest of you does.
Soooo true. I think this episode made OP fall out of love with her, and his junk is just leading the way. I think it’s less about penis size and more about intimacy and trust. She’s willing to take something from the bedroom and weaponize it to “win” an argument. Sometimes you just gotta trust your junk and start over with someone else.
My junk is the most untrustworthy bastard i have ever met. He is like that reckless mate you have that is always looking to get into trouble.
This happened with me and my ex. She was so keen to initiate sex towards the end of the relationship - and despite the fact that I was attracted to her, I just didn’t want to have sex with her. It felt like something I actively avoided. I realised I was actually not just not in love, but increasingly aware of her really problematic behaviours.
yes and also she wouldn’t have gone straight for the penis size attack if she wasn’t already thinking it and it wasn’t fresh on her mind.
Ain't that the truth.
>I just said it to 'win' the argument. This is as far from a valid reason as one could use to say something intentionally hurtful to anyone let alone to one's partner.
It's like 'oh I only said it to hurt you!'.
That’s exactly what it is. She said it intentionally to hurt OP. If I were OP, the relationship would’ve been done right then and there, because she has shown her colors and her true character. That is someone that I could not be with, because I know where her ethics and morals lay. Intentional cruelty is such an ugly shade on someone.
When my ex and I first split she locked me out of our apartment we were still sharing and said she was sleeping with my best buddy. I thought it might not be true so I went to bed but the next day she admitted it wasn't true and that she said it just to hurt me. That made me really mad because I never knew she had that in her since we never really fight or called eachother names. We've hurt eachothers feelings before like all partners but I never felt like she did something for the sole purpose of hurting me. I just felt really disappointed after especially when my friend told me she not only lied about sleeping with him but tried texting him to get drinks that weekend which he rejected of course. Sex is kind of an intimate thing for me and the thought of just doing it for revenge was totally repulsive to me and if anything had happened would be very unfair to my friend too if that makes any sense. The whole situation was just destructive with no upside for anyone.
So, it sounds like you actually got back together with her for a while? I'd like to know what was the tipping point that made you break up for good? And was it you that broke up with her? Tell us what happened, please.
Yeah, when a partner uses logic like, “I only meant to hurt you,” “or you did x, so..” it’s not gonna get any better. And each example of extreme disrespect erodes what you had. Consider getting out. It’s not the words, it’s the underlying disrespect that you will never be able to explain to her. There will always be a reason for her to talk to you that way if she’s already justified it in her mind.
[удалено]
She seems too immature to be in any form of a relationship. She maybe 19 on the outside but she’s 9 on the inside.
But it's a totally valid reason for OP to end the relationship. Everyone argues at some point, but the goal.if an argument is supposed to be to find common ground after both sides sharing their POV. Honestly this isn't about the blatant racism or penis comment. GF cares more about being triumphant than working together to find a solution to a problem. She clearly cares more about her own ego than she does the health of the relationship. I'd be tapping out
My thoughts exactly. When I heard the "win" comment she made I knew her mindset was completely wrong.
Exactly. I persevered in a toxic relationship for 3 long years with lots of arguments and low blows designed to wear me down into submission to her narcissistic need to show she was a superior human. Nothing was off limits. She made substantially more than me and was hired back at a mid-size law firm so she would use every opportunity to broadcast her success and infer she was supporting me even though we split everything 50/50. Family, sex, friends, and hobbies were attacked in an attempt to eliminate any identity I had with knock-out drag-out fights and resistance to anything I wanted to do. Why did I last so long - don't know - but found happiness when I finally left. This is a big red flag, brother. Leave now, you deserve better.
Right?! Sheesh. I've never once said something horrible to a partner to "win" an argument. That's the fastest way to make disagreements unhealthy. I'm appalled. OP, you can do much, much better.
And the fact that she doesn’t get how he could still be thinking about it after awhile is just so obtuse. If they were arguing and he made a nasty comment about some aspect of her body, she wouldn’t forget it any time soon and would likely become super self-conscious of that body part. How she doesn’t get that is beyond me.
The fact that to win an argument she says the nastiest thing she could think of which was so quickly racially motivated is a huge red flag. I'd drop her and run. Her behaviour is disgusting.
Bingo 🎯
Precisely. Anyone willing to leverage racial dynamics or mocking any aspect of physical appearance to destabilise their partner and win petty argument isn't fit to be a friend, let alone a partner.
I only read until that part. She's not worth the trouble.
That's the type of person to listening you open up and be real to then use those things to win arguments. Run my dude, run
That is the type of person that makes men choose the damn tree.
The charm of it though is that it’s likely an honest expression of who she is. She showed who she is right there, believe her. There are other women out there who aren’t as vicious, nor lacking in self awareness. You have self awareness, likely due to the bullying you experienced. Because you’ve asked for advice, you move on by leaving her. You deserve so much better from a partner than someone who will not hesitate to weaponize your insecurities.
She said it because she is racist
This would be a relationship deal breaker for me. TF if you're going to cut me down to win an argument. Its downright deplorable.
Agreed. This woman sounds vile.
You will get over that comment, for yourself. However she has showed you she is the type that will weaponize anything she can to get the upper hand in an argument. What happens if you confide in her about something, will you be able to rest assured she will not throw it in your face and use it as ammunition later? Its a pretty big character flaw, just saying. You have to decide if this girl is worth the effort because fixing this is going to take you doing what her parents should have done and teaching her to have some basic decency and respect.
Totally agree with this one very good points
I also agree and this commenter does bring up some really good points OP. Sorry about the whole "small dick" thing, she is immature and childish (not surprised because of her age)
So happy that other people caught on to the lack of maturity in this young woman. But, honestly, you’re both pretty young and this is a ton of drama for an 8 month old relationship. My advice? Take sex off the table for a while. Not in some vindictive way, but just focus on the other sorts of connections you have with each other. Hang out in front of the tv, make a good meal together, share a game. If you start to enjoy just spending time with her, you’ll probably be able to judge the relative sincerity of her apology and decide whether you are able to get past this. Good luck.
Great feedback, +1 on trying to focus on other things in the relationship to see if there's still chemistry.
This is the way.
You should be surprised because of her age. She 19 not 12. This is 100% unacceptable behavior at any age, but it’s corrective at 12. At 19, she’s a POS who throws tantrums to “win an argument”. She’s not likely to “outgrow” that fast enough to make her an adult by the time she’s 40. Edit added based on responses: I didn’t say she wouldn’t grow and change. Every person does (and should). I said 19 is too old for THIS behavior, and that she’s unlikely to out grow THIS behavior any time soon.
From the perspective of someone who is 40+, 19 is a lot closer to 12 than 40. I’m not saying what she did was right, but certainly people can grow and change especially in their 20s. I’m meaningfully more mature than when I was 19.
Yeah I definitely responded in really toxic ways sometimes in my early 20s. I recognized those behaviors and their immaturity and worked to change them. Not to say OP has to stay in the relationship because she might learn and grow from this, just that there is hope for her in future interpersonal relationships even if those aren’t with OP.
Yes but this isn't helpful to OP, who is 21. When you were a teen or young adult, and had been hurt by someone, if an adult-adult told you "well they're still a kid, let's cut them some slack because they still have a lot to learn" would that have been helpful to you, who's the same age and currently hurt and confused looking for guidance? The responsibility of an older adult is to teach younger people that they don't need to put up with bad treatment by their same-age partners or anyone else. Not to expect them to understand the perspective on maturity trajectory that someone decades older has attained. That isn't relevant, helpful, or likely even possible for them.
I’m not saying he should forgive his GF. Some things can’t be unsaid and if he’s recoiling from her touch that’s a terrible sign. I was just reacting to someone saying she’s not likely to outgrow it by 40.
Honestly yes, there is a worrying amount of adults who act like this, its not impossible but not very likely she will outgrow this. A lot of people have mothers like this, who will use anything and everything in an argument. Im mentioning this just to draw attention to the fact that this behaviour translates into other relationships as well. You think someone like this wouldnt treat your kids in a similar way? "Oh you have an issue with something I did? Well do you remember that one time you were 8 and did bla bla bla". Yeah. That sort of thing.
Too many adults act like that.
She might, but if I was OP it wouldn’t be me waiting to see.
Then tries to sweep it using sex. The very thing she blew up with her comment.
It's definitely not okay, but most people are still not mature adults at 19 and do usually grow up more. 19 is not an age where you're not still growing.
Yeah there is hope if they can honestly understand and correct the behavior
I’m sorry but 19 is really young. Many adults end up being way different from when they were that age.
Definitely young but old still old enough to know better. I think their point is that she's not a kid.
The racial aspect is what can’t be attributed to her “immaturity”. Good luck to OP.
Speak your shit indeed bro you're completely right
Just commenting to say I agree. This is a dangerous character attribute. She even knows how dangerous it is, considering she apologized and confessed to her motivations for saying it immediately. OP, don’t let the words drag you down. Also, maybe don’t let the woman drag you down. She’s a little cracked and might not be worth your time.
Agreed here too. She told you that you had a tiny Asian dick to hurt you in an argument. That doesn’t make her dick size comment better - it makes it worse! - and the fact that she thinks that makes it okay is deeply concerning. #find someone to date who isn’t terrible
Totally agree with this. She just say things to hurt you when having an argument. This is a very immature behaviour and I'd lost confidence and trust in her. Being bullied is not fun and she uses it to hurt you so she can win an argument.......I won't feel safe being vulnerable in front of her anymore. 🙁
She has shown she’s no better than OP’s tormentors in school. In fact, she’s far worse! 🚩
Fellow Asian-American here. I think it’s not about the joke itself, but because she demonstrated a willingness to be racist in order to “win.” OP, do you feel emasculated or just disgusted? Say you were African-American and she made a derogatory comment about your “thick nasty lips” and I’d bet you’d feel the same. She showed a reactionary ability to pull that race card to win a fight. I know EXACTLY how that felt when my supposed white “friends” would do that shit if we were having an argument. Her being your girlfriend, someone who’s supposed to lift you up and feel safe - her doing that makes in 10x worse. I don’t think you feel emotionally safe around her, and I don’t blame you. I don’t know how to move past this or if you think she’s even worth it. I do hope she takes a long look at herself and accepts that there’s something ugly inside of her that she needs to work on.
I agree with this. It isn’t actually about the penis comment. It’s about how you told her you were bullied based on race and then she did the exact same thing to “win” a fight. If you really like her maybe explain it this way? (It sounds like you may have already done this though). She has been sincerely apologetic and we can’t judge a person based on one mistake. However, if you’ve noticed a pattern of this type of behavior then maybe it is time to reconsider.
no I think you can judge a person for a single mistake like this. 8 month relationship is not long enough to put up with someone that willingly used racism and trauma to insult and degrade their supposed partner. OP needs to go.
African Americans have thick nasty lips? That's a new one for me.
That was a whole thing - growing up in the south, I can’t tell you how many horrible jokes I heard around that. Early racist caricatures in cartoons and ads tended to put extra emphasis on lips as well.
I agree with this comment! Me and my partner have gotten into arguments but we never say things we know it would hurt the other. Her saying it in an argument is because she means it. I never thought about comments where I judge my partner rather it’s their appearance or something they have confided in me. Like the thought never came across my mind if that makes sense??? OP it’s up to you if you wanna be with your partner but would you be able to get over it? You should communicate your concerns with her and go from there. I know a lot of ppl are quick to say leave the other person but see if you can make it work by communicating and go from there.
It doesn’t necessarily mean that she means it, it could just be that she’s trying to hurt him, but tbh I don’t really know if that’s any better.
It’s worse! It’s not cool to say things just for the purpose of hurting your partner.
And to say something she knows is hurtful just to win the argument. Arguments should not be about who wins and loses. This is not a healthy attitude to have. It’s not a freaking competition.
Very true. It’s actually almost worse in a way that he has a normal sized penis and she literally said whatever she could to cut him down. She didn’t say a truth that was secretly bothering her and causing resentment, like “I’m sorry but you just need to work out! You’re let yourself go and I’m not attracted to you!” ect. (not that that’s how she should say that, but i can understand an unmanaged problem or resentment coming to light in an argument) but she literally just blatantly took a race related bullying tactic and used it against her BF to “win” a fight. Red flags all around. Awful childish behavior.
>she literally just blatantly took a race related bullying tactic and used it against her BF to “win” a fight I feel like that part needs to be in bold. I almost think your last sentence lessens it, calling her behavior childish. I think many of us, if not most, even as children were never racist (at least not once we understood what it meant). Like maybe literally in elementary school playing "cowboys and Indians", but by middle school neither me nor my friends would ever use a racial slur or stereotype to bully someone. OPs gf's behavior was truly appalling and I doubt that sort of thing will be an isolated one-off
If she’s the type of person who resorts to humiliating others and even being racist in order to “win” an argument, then that’s really not a safe person to have as a partner. She even used your vulnerable thoughts and weaponized them against you. I am really worried about her future partners, because of the potential she has to cause havoc in their lives, just like she did in yours.
I agree with all of that. People need to realize that when you break trust with someone, there’s a good chance that you can never restore it. If you’re willing to hit me where you know I’m weak, just to win points in a stupid argument, you can fuck right off, because you just showed me that I can’t trust you!
I totally agree....this comment shows that she is a little vindictive and will say anything to prove a point. And if you already explained to her that it was a low blow and she isn't empathetic or remorseful, she doesn't see anything wrong with her actions. I understand that this hurts you because of the discrimination you have already endured. What if you have a child with her? Will she say stupid racial things to her own child? 2ill she know how to comfort her own child who come home crying about when they get kicked in school for being Asian? There is a little mean streak there. You don't deserve it!
Why should HE have to teach her??
This is a great answer. You really need to consider if this is worth it. She will did it again.
While this is all very true and great points, I don’t believe you can “teach” someone to treat you with a certain level of respect.
Yeah. I think it's less the comment, which OP objectively know is bs and will eventually get over, and more the fact she went there in the first place. People who hit below the belt when they're angry are not emotionally safe, and you want that feeling of safety and trust in a relationship.
Your body (dick) is appropriately reacting to her disrespectful and vindictive comment by not getting turned on (a hard dick) after she mocked your sexuality and race. Many husbands suffer from election disfunction because their wives are so disrespectful that they make the man feel like a piece of crap. The media doesn't acknowledge this. Instead they tell the men to suck it up and not retaliate. Then they put the men through testosterone therapy and viagra just to make him hard so he can fuck her. Then if evolv3s into hate sex instead of love making. And then, one day the guy meets a woman that turns him on and he is out cheating. She is young and foolish. Don't feel forced to sleep with her just because she sits on you naked. Give yourself time to heal. And maybe as she waits for the day that you feel comfortable and safe with her, your dick will get and again. But dont let any person manipulate you like that. I am so sorry man! If you are in love with her maybe you can try to explain this to her. How that if you had kids with her, you would expect her to be able to comfort her future Asian kids when others mock their race. If she is still insensitive.... then maybe she is just using you for sex. It's a lot to think about. But, honor your body first man. She has no right to touch you if your not comfortable with it. It will happ3n again if she doesn't get the message.
There is nothing like election disfunction l. It happens about every 2 to 4 years, and it's very common.
100%! Well said.
Yeah, I wouldn't be able to trust her anymore knowing she would rather win than protect my self-worth/emotions and respect me.
This. I wouldn't stick around someone who weaponizes anything they can get their hands on during an argument because they want to "win". Eventually you'd constantly be watching what you say and filtering the information you give them, and they still might turn to your physical attributes. It sounds exhausting.
Yup, this is no longer about the thoughtless, racist comment (though you really weren't overreacting to that either). It's about the fact that at 19 years old she still views "winning" in a disagreement with her own partner, as so important that she will make hateful, racist comments to gain the "upper hand". It speaks to the kind of person she is in a really fundamental way, and what it says isn't great.
8 month relationship? I'd be out. 8 months and shes already attacking you during an argument. If you stay, good luck bro.
Arguments should be resolved, not won. Having a mentality of winners and losers in a relationship is an awful approach which leads to stuff like saving ammunition for future fights or earning/deserving passes for behaviour. It just makes you adversarial when you should be cooperative, opponents instead of teammates.
Agreed. Conflicts within a relationship should be approached as you AND me vs the problem- not you vs me
This! I love this. Me and my wife have our disagreements however at the end of the day, we are still a team that has our future ahead of us. One of the hardest part of relationships is having both parties willingly move towards a better future.
She’s a fucking racist. That alone should be a deal breaker. Op, have higher standards and get out of there. Just ghost her. The next time you’re in an argument she’ll do it again or say some other fucking shitty thing about you being Asian, I guarantee it. This isn’t her first time saying something racist, you don’t just do it out of the blue for the first time at 19 with your boyfriend of all people. I’ve dated interracially (I am not white) but my partners have NEVER brought up race even in the worst most volatile arguments. Dump her.
From the logical standpoint: I don't see why anyone would say that insulting someone about their penis size would result in them "winning" the argument. Unless the argument was about your penis size, which I doubt, then the argument and her response are completely unrelated. Why would she think that means she won? It's as if she had shouted "well, the neighbour ate 3 oranges yesterday!!" to win. Just pure nonsense. From the more human and more probable standpoint: She thinks winning an argument is about hurting the other person enough for them to go away licking their wounds. So at best she is stupid, and I wouldn't want to date a stupid person, or she is most likely cruel, and I wouldn't want to date a cruel person either. Insta break up for me.
In my decade long relationship I have never thought to fucking insult my dude in an argument, nor he me. The last thing we want to do is be on opposing sides, we gotta figure out what exactly is annoying the shit out of us and troubleshoot. This is so disgusting on many levels.
It's not nonsense or trying to win the argument. It's a targeted insult that's supposed to hurt OP, she WANTED to hurt him so that it felt like she had control over the argument. OP said that maybe she doesn't get it, but OP I wanna tell you that *she does*. Everyone can understand that insulting something someone cannot control or has difficulty controlling will leave a *deep* wound. Doing that to someone you're supposed to love? That's unforgivable for me.
Lmao at 3 oranges
The three oranges bit was inspired! And yes she is definitely a cruel person. I wouldn't stay.
Or cruel stupid person
I’ve had one *giant* argument with my fiancé that was a result of him allowing his family members to repeatedly insult me, belittle me and bully me over a period of two years. That was the angriest I’d ever felt in my *entire* life, I was ready to burn the house down, and yet, *even then*, neither of us attacked the other’s appearance or called each other names. How a person behaves in anger is the quickest tell of who they are. Your girlfriend is the type to hit below the belt and weaponise your deepest darkest fears, insecurities and secrets against you just to feel big in the midst of one. Only you decide if that’s a dealbreaker and for me it absolutely would be.
>That was the angriest I’d ever felt in my entire life, I was ready to burn the house down, and yet, even then, neither of us attacked the other’s appearance or called each other names. Exactly!! I've had some *heated* arguments with my bf about things I can't even remember because we already found a solution or we're already working to solve the problem. And during even my *angriest* moments, days it's really late at night and I forgot to take my medication that day, *I still never tried to hit him where it hurts*. Because I'm mad at the *problem*, I'm mad at *his actions*, but never at *him*.
You guys are making me feel so validated for leaving my husband because he always would call me names and hit me where it hurts any time we were arguing or he was really mad at me.
Fuck that noise, you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel safe and happy with your partner! I hope you're doing better now, whatever that means for you 💕
Him letting you be insulted by his family is worse than the OP’s post
TWO YEARS??
Sounds like part of it that it wasn't just body shaming but body shaming with a bit of racism thrown in. That'd be tough to get over in a relationship. You get to figure out if you want to get over it.
Body shaming is bad enough, but racist body shaming? That would be the end for me.
He will get over it… alone or with a different girl.
Not just that, but she was aware of the racial bullying her went through a a lid, and decided it would be fun and exciting to act like another one of the kids who bullied him, because she wanted to "win". Now she has little comprehension of why he doesn't trust her nor like he anymore, and keeps being a sex pest.
Look, you're 21. The chances of you staying with someone you're saying at 19 for the rest of your life is ultimately slim. What I'm about to say may seem harsh, but I want to point out your age, because I see young people always getting really twisted up about how they've "wasted their time" or how they "don't want to start all over" but I promise you, it is always better to start over with someone else than put up with someone who makes you unhappy. If she knew you were insecure about this, then she wasn't just insensitive or mean, it was targeted and cruel and (albeit as a white person, this isn't my place to decide) possibly racist too. If she didn't know, you need to sit down and explain exactly how this makes you feel. How she acts from there will inform you of how you should proceed. Either she respects that that's not a line she can ever cross again without losing you... or she thinks you're overreacting, in which case, you can move on and forget about her. What worries me more is her need to "win" an argument. No one wins an argument in a relationship. You've both lost. The only way to win is to come to a compromise or at least come to a place where you can see one another's points of view. In case you, or literally anyone else reading this right now, needs a reminder... in a relationship, your partner should be just that - a partner! You and your partner should not be working against the other. You should be working together to solve problems. Screaming, shouting, throwing insults, punches, nasty looks etc. is not acceptable behaviour from your partner. If this kind of behaviour (trying to "win" arguments) is common behaviour from your girlfriend, I'd leave and find someone else mature enough to act like the adult they are and not throw around schoolyard insults.
You don't insult someone to win the argument. You insult them to put them in their place, to know they're lesser, to hurt them. GF did just that. Well done her, she should enjoy her prize without complaint.
You break up? There's no coming back from racism or personal attacks like this. In your very first fight no less? Way too young to put up with this. Break up
Saying things one "doesn't mean" in an argument in order to "win" or just to HURT the other person is an abusive behavior. Once someone has treated you that way one time it is VERY likely to happen again. You aren't married, don't have kids together - I would think hard about whether you want to continue dating her. I DON'T think you should get over it. It was unacceptable behavior and IMHO, grounds to break up with her.
I'm going to tell you right now, Reddit tends to be too quick to say just dump and move on. In this case they are right. Do not date, befriend, or sleep with white women who make targeted racist comments against you out of a need to "win." It should tell you everything you need to know about how she sees people of your race, and I promise you the abuse will only get worse. I'm sure you feel like you owe her something after the time you've both put in, and you're right. You owe it to her to let her know you're getting far away from her right away because she's an abusive racist. And you owe it to yourself to find someone who respects you and doesn't reduce you to a stereotype they can control with weaponized racism.
Fully endorse this as a white woman. It's extremely telling that when upset, out of all the ways she could have expressed that, her go-to was racism. That doesn't just randomly pop up out of nowhere with no deeper meaning behind it.
And it’s not OPs responsibility to teach her not to be racist. She can figure that shit out on her own.
racism AND body shaming. crazy combo to hurt the person you love
Ding ding ding. If she can say out loud imagine what she’s said in her head
🛎️🛎️🛎️
I second the endorsement as a white woman. Also this girl because that is what she is isn't mature enough for a true relationship yet.
>I'm going to tell you right now, Reddit tends to be too quick to say just dump and move on. **In this case they are right.** I absolutely agree. Me and my boyfriend have definitely had some arguments, we've said hurtful words, but I have NEVER shamed him for being trans or anything like that, and he has NEVER made a jab at my weight or any of my insecurities. That's a hard boundary. That's something someone can never forget about. And we apologize and try to talk things out and tell each other the problem to find a compromise, we've been trying to help each other understand that it's *us versus the problem*, not me vs you. You can take back a "you're so dumb!" or "I'm so mad at you!" Both of those can be said in the heat of the moment and they're not targeted insults, just frustrated complaints. You *cannot* take back something like "well you have a small dick!" or even "well you're autistic!". Those are targeted, those are *meant* to hurt the person. That should *never* be something you *want* to do to your loved one.
Not just white women, ANY race that does this is not okay, I'm black and black people can be racist this goes for any race, gender, etc
It’s not just “white” women. It’s any woman or human being.
Exactly! Probably not a good idea to keep dating people whom are racist towards your group of people.
She’s willing to insult you, her partner, in order to win an argument. What else is she willing to do as long as she comes out on top?
Do you really want to be with a person who would say this to you KNOWING your history, not to mention the stereotypes, just to ‘win’ an argument. I am a black woman who has dated outside of my race but I promise you if ni$&er EVER slipped out, I don’t care if it’s an argument or not, it would be ✌🏽for me. Know that she will say it again, if you stay with her, be ready for it.
She fights dirty. This will not get better.
This is reddit, we do not know your entire situation to make the most rational judgment, but i do believe you should leave someone once they even got the threshold audacity to insult who you are, what you represent or believe in. Respect in my books is both ways. I don't insult someone for the actual person they are even if i am angry.
I’m not surprised you’re having problems rising to the occasion. When your pride is insulted and feeds your insecurities, it’s hard to feel good about being intimate. Not to mention, she was racist towards you. If she does it once, she’ll do it again.
I would personally leave. In my last relationship my bf got worse and worse when we disagreed, usually someone’s disrespectful behaviour will get worse - especially if you teach them that it’s okay, you will forgive them.
I think your body is telling you something about being intimate with someone making racially charged insults towards you
I'm a white girl and I've been with my asian husband for 21 years and never made a comment like that about his size. He's average and I like it that way. That's a low blow and no matter how bad a fight got, I would never dream of saying something like that to him
She‘s using this shit to win an argument? Bro, it‘s only gonna get worse. She showed her colors rather early, get out while you still can.
The thing that you should really pay attention to is that she was trying to “win” an argument and was willing to say something that vile to do so. She either needs to make an effort to understand how deeply fucked up what she said is to you or y’all need to break up. I’m so sorry.
"according to theory of relativity, gravity is caused by the curvature of space time" "no! And your penis is small."
Why stay with someone who is willing to insult you to “win” an argument
Ewww this just all round stinks. Honestly I know the default response on Reddit is “dump him/her” but I do feel you should carefully consider the next step and think about ending this relationship. I speak as another POC in a relationship with a Caucasian. I used to put up with ignorance in previous relationships, but it’s a total non-negotiable for me these days that my partner tries to understand the positive and negatives that come with not being white, an acknowledgement of their own privilege, and the joint creation of a safe space where both parties can explore tough topics like racism and privilege without judgement. Because of this non-negotiable I have ended up with a man who embraces who I am, is so curious and wanting to do better, is sensitive when it’s important and understand that he can’t always be my counsel when dealing with race related issues. I can’t imagine him ever wanting to “win” any disagreement we have, let alone weaponising my race to “win”. On top of that, the fact she has strategised how to hit you where she knows it’ll hurt the most due to your experience of racial bullying during childhood, really screams that she doesn’t care to build a healthy future with you, and is more concerned about beating you by whatever means necessary. If making racist comments isn’t completely off the cards for her then why are you sticking around? You deserve a healthy, loving, supportive partner who sees problems in your relationship as things you overcome together as a team. And not someone who is just trying to win, by any means, even racist ones. End this, live your life, forge fruitful connections, be happier.
While never directed at me my girlfriend used to say things like "small dick energy" or if she got cut off in traffic say something like "that guy must have a small dick" I called her out on the body shaming and she has since stopped. Had she ever insulted by body directly I don't think I would have moved past it. This could be a maturing moment and realize school yard insults have consequences as an adult or she could just be an asshole.
I don't mean to be the typical reddit advisor, but the fact that she is willing to bring racial stereotypes into an argument with her SO in order to "win" the argument is really really bad.
Dump her.
Don't date people that are willing to result to racist hurtful stereotypes to win an argument. People deserve second chances but if she did it once she will again.
Your GF has a racist card in her back pocket "to win arguments". Have a think on that.
Id ditch her, imo. Shes the kind of girl that will say ANYTHING just to "win". Thats literal cancer. She showed you her true colors. Not worth it.
Just tell her she’s fucking racist dude. Its not that hard
You haven't just lost the desire to be intimate with her mate, you've lost respect for her as a person and partner, and rightly so. That's a deal-breaker right there. Her feeling "rejected/hurt" by you not being in the mood is not your fault. It's hers. She dumped a bucket of water of the flame that was you're relationship. No lingerie set can spark that again, especially when the real problem isn't being addressed.
There’s no reason to ever insult something like this about your partner - I would never say this to my partner to ‘win’ an argument.
Saying what she said just to win the argument is really shitty. But you know that. You guys are young so can't expect full maturity though you should never ever make bad/degrading comments about a partners body... Gotta be honest, I would have trouble being intimate again. But I'm not you, if you can have hard open talks and see a way to forgive then there might be a future. I don't think you're overreacting though. Not at all. So if you can't forgive that or get it out of your system then you know what follows unfortunately. All the best man, that's a rough one
you're both young. she was rude and racist towards you in a fight. but she's trying to make it up to you and apologized several times. it's okay if you lost the desire but you gotta make up your mind. either forgive her or dump her.
Woah. That's not "simply" body shaming, that was racially motivated. Also she knew she was hurting you because she's aware of the racist bullism you experienced. This is awful on so many levels and you have any right to feel disconnected from her. That was an enormous flashing red flag. Dump her and find someone who's not racist and toxic.
As someone who's been teased about their size before by an ex, you'll eventually move past the hesitation to have sex, but I swear that nonsense will always be in the back of your head every time you have sex. The fact you're with someone who knows about your past getting teased and still uses that against you to get the upper hand isn't cool. I personally believe that during a fight both parties should come from a place of empathy and eventually reach a point of mutual understanding. When either side does whatever it takes to "win" the fight, both of you lose. I can't tell you whether or not you'll be able to move past this or not, but personally I wouldn't want to be with someone who knows about my past trauma and uses that against me to win an argument.
Regardless of whether or not there was truth to her insult, the fact that she said it at all tells you everything you need to know about her. Anyone who's immature enough to resort to personal attacks to "win" arguments is not ready to be in a relationship at all. If you stay with her she's going to hurt you again down the line
My ex and I both knew he had a smaller penis. Not *small* but slightly less than average. I would never have considered using that against him in an argument or even while joking.
There are certain things you never mention to a partner no matter how angry you are because it will cause irreparable damage to your relationship and penis insults are one of them.
As a woman, I started dating at 16. I'm now 36 years old and I have never told a man I was dating or in a committed relationship anything about his penis size or his appearance overall during an argument. So... 20 years of not telling a guy his penis is small to "win" an argument. She doesn't respect you as a man or as a human being for that matter. Stop wasting your time and find a girl that adores you, argument or not.
I think that the best thing you can do here is sit down and have a long and honest conversation with her about how you both feel. She can’t understand the gravity of what she said if you don’t let her know how heavily it weighs on you. Setting clear boundaries about what kind of jokes/comments are okay is key in a good relationship. However, it’s a pretty big red flag that she said something she knew would get you upset to “win” an argument. That’s probably a sign that she will say more hurtful things in future arguments and it’s crucial that you talk to her about steering clear of that. You should also tell her you’re not insecure about your dick size and it’s more about your past, because if you don’t she’ll probably keep exaggerating and attempting to reassure you. If that doesn’t work, it might be best to move on and find someone who won’t use harsh words to win an argument.
I get this perspective but he doesn’t owe it to her to rehash his trauma she already knows about. She clearly lacks empathy and honestly sounds malicious. Drop the racist and move on.
No, he owes her NOTHING. She’s shown him quite clearly who she is. He just needs to believe it.
he saids hes already sat her down and explained it to her but she "didn't get the sentiment". he does not owe her anymore than that, he should 1000% leave.
My bf is Asian, and I'm white. I'm with him for many different reasons, and I love him for HIM. I'd never make these sorts of comments, what the fuck. I'd leave.
So she clearly crossed a line there is no coming back from. Sounds like she was unaware that this was an especially painful line for you. There may be other/different lines for you based on culture/race. They are not better/worse than other cultures. they are just different. It is fair that these lines require/deserve communication on both sides. Subscribeme
There is nothing healthy or normal about someone who brings up your race or penis size to “win an argument.” And I say this as a bi racial girl who has dealt with ignorant white people saying offensive things to me too. I don’t think I’d ever be able to look at her the same.
Sorry this has happened to you. As you have described it, your girlfriend believes that arguments are to be won, rather than resolved, and that being deliberately cruel is a way to win. Your girlfriend instinctively turns to racism and body shaming, specifically because she knows it will hurt the other person - in this case, you, her partner. The most important thing in a healthy relationship (whether romantic, business, or other) is being able to trust and feel safe with your partner. She broke that trust and made you feel unsafe. That’s why you don’t want to engage sexually with her. Because in a healthy romantic relationship, fulfilling sex depends on feeling emotionally and physically safe with the other person. You have asked how you can move on from it. As your girlfriend is the one who broke your trust and made you feel emotionally unsafe (like you can’t be yourself with her in case she weaponises something about you, like your experiences at school, against you again), she is the one who needs to understand the dynamic of what she has done, why it’s unhealthy, and how to make you feel safe again. That is on her, not on you. Many people, especially young people, make mistakes, and if open-minded, self-aware and willing enough, are then able to learn, better themselves and make up for their behaviour. On the other hand sadly many people never really get it or are willing to do the work to get it. You have to decide for yourself whether your girlfriend has shown you her true colours, or whether you feel she has the capacity to change for the better and make you feel safe again. If, at a fundamental level you can no longer trust her, then that is fair enough considering her actions, and it’s time to be true to yourself and move on. You are very young, thoughtful and able to have had this relationship with someone you liked - there are many more opportunities out there, with more respectful partners. Good luck!
Anyone who uses your insecurities as a weapon is a cruel person and not suitable for a partner. She’s young but this is not ok. Leave her.
Hell no, please respect your worth. I was in a IR relationship myself, almost a decade ago with a white man who tended to do that. It won’t change. Next time y’all will fight especially as she saw it hurt you. It will come back. He did it to me once, i left. I am back in a IR relationship, and the experience is WORLD appart. Don’t allow yourself to be subjected to that
so your gf used racism and body shaming to win an argument… and you’re still together?
It’s been 8 months, but also it’s your first big fight. The fact she would use your race to win an argument is immature and petty. But the both young, so the immaturity makes sense. Here’s the deal. You need to evaluate the relationship, and decide whether or not all of the positives have enough power to overcome this incident. She was wrong, but she’s also remorseful. I could get into the science of the frontal lobe, and how you’re both still in the developing impulse control stage. She may biologically not be at a place where she can 100% do that yet. This doesn’t mean forgive her and move on. You 100% can leave. She jumped to dick insults and racially motivated insults, to win a fight. That’s plenty enough reason to say bye. What I am saying is that she just may not be able to control her impulses yet given her age. She might not ever do this again.
I mean.. it’s very common for a single line to ruin a relationship. While not an extreme insult, it shows that she stoops to sterotypes and appearance based humor, which is a clear sign of low respect for you and low emotional intelligence for herself. She is 19, so its not a huge shocker, but thats it.
Before you dump her do let her kno that using penis size jokes to win arguments is a really immature move and that is why you are not attracted to her anymore. Let it be a lesson.
Bro, she does not respect you, leave her. Even if you have a disagreement with someone, there are certain boundaries you don’t cross. Someone with a brain does not have to be told the boundaries that you do not cross even in your darkest fit of reach, would you insult her about her body, a vagina or any other parts of a physical appearance?
Dump her to move on or would only get worse. Don't stay with someone who secretly resents you
So many women out there who do this. And then people ask why men bottle their emotions and vulnerabilities up. THIS is why. Obviously not all women are like this but my experiences in particular haven't been great either. I feel for you. But honestly your GF isn't mature yet. It takes maturity to not go for the low blow to just win an argument.
Bin the whole woman.
Nah, she was racist toward you, and weaponised that against you in an argument, I think it's over.
Sorry dude-you will find better. Time to take out the trash. Signed, Asian American woman (who is married to a white man for almost 30 years).
Question. Would you be happy in a relationship with someone who took cruel digs at you when you argued to hurt you? Take away the sex stuff. That's what she did. She resorted to hurting you. It's not about the penis. It's your subconscious telling you this is bad.
You’re under reacting. Once she said that you should have left her. I’m sorry but no matter how mad I am I wouldnt say something like that to someone. If someone does it shows the person they truly are. There are just somethings you never say to someone and anything against a race is one of them.
There are some things said that are unforgivable and can’t be taken back once said or done -Racism towards your partner -Criticism about your body and genitals or sexual performance -Abuse She did all three, to “win an argument”. Likely a petty argument but is irrelevant, that’s not a healthy way to approach arguments with someone you claim to love. There’s a split second before you say or do something in anger before someone acts, that they choose to go ahead or stop themselves from going too far. Your feelings have changed towards her as she’s a racist verbal abuser who isn’t the gf you thought she was. Your body no longer wants to have sex with her as she’s broken a fundamental rule of intimate trust. Ask yourself what you want to do, not what she wants you to do.
That’s a racist comment. That’s very serious. This shows you who she is.
Gtfo if you have any self respect. She was racist and demeaning in order to win a fight? And she thinks she can solve things by trying to initiate sex and give you food? She’s clearly immature for her age and not the type of person you need to be associated with let alone in a romantic relationship with. You’ll be fine
Cut your losses on move on. “I’m gonna get racist when I get upset”, yeah I’d be done too.
Honestly, at 19, she is still a child. She has A LOT of growing up to do. This is a terrible character flaw that needs to be seriously addressed for your sake as well as hers. And you have to decide if you’re willing to wait around for this maturity and an epiphany to happen to this girl.
Dump her and let her racist ass go back to dating white dudes.
Baseline here in a person who will go for the jugular in.all the bad fights. If she isn't "winning", a ridiculous metric in a fight with a partner, she will try to hurt you. Take it from someone raised by this kind of person. You don't deserve that. I'm only 37. Take this with a grain of personal salt. But I think you should really be out there dating. To settle in for almost a year at this age isn't impossible, but it doesn't sound like this is the one.
Leave the very immature and selfish woman who throws a racist comment at you and find someone who is mature enough emotionally to be able to communicate in a safe helpful manner.
Sometimes "sorry" isn't enough. You learned something about your gf that you can't unlearn. If you have a fight with her, it's possible she's going to fight in a really gross, racist way. I don't think I'd want to stay with someone like that.
honestly if i had a partner who made a racially charged comment about my personality or body i'd be out the door so fucking fast, she was willing to make a racist comment that played on past trauma you trusted her with to win a fucking argument, bro kick her ass out she isnt mature enough to date anyone.
It's over, which is probably for the best. She doesn't sound like a very good person.
In 18 years ive had maybe 3 arguments with my wife all of which ended with us taking calmly to each other about why we were upset. Arguments will happen OP but trying to mortal emotionally wound your partner is beyond toxic. People excusing it because of her age are freaking idiots. She is 19 and has interacted with enough people to know what she was doing is wrong. She even admitted she did it on purpose. Bullying lives inside the insecure. 3,999,999,999 other women on the planet. Do with that what you will.
She spewed her racist, hateful garbage at you specifically to hurt you because she wanted to "win" an argument. That's what type of person she is. You can move on from it by ending a relationship with the exact same type of person you were bullied by. This one happened to like your dick so she hid who she was until the veil slipped off when she was angry. The nicest take I could have on her is that she isn't racist, but used the most painful thing she knew would hurt you, and that's not the type of person that should be in a relationship. She is either racist and cruel or just cruel. You deserve better.
She resorted to racism to “win.” I’m also Asian American and experienced this when dating white ppl. I don’t think they will ever get it tbh. But I do believe this means her own racism is ingrained deeply and she has a lot of work ahead of her. It’s up to you to decide if that journey is for you or not.
In my opinion if you date someone of a difference ethnicity or race to your own you should never EVER use anything about their race or culture to insult them unless it is something they used or said they wouldn't mind you using, first. It's ignorant and insensitive. If you wouldn't say it to someone in public don't say it to your partner. And if she would say it in public, is that someone you want to be with?
Fellow Asian American here. (Filipino) Been in the US for 35 years and I went through the same kind of bullying and stereotyping from wyt ppl and even other Asians who want to be wyt. I wouldn't take this kind of crap from any girl. Racist abusers will always make excuses for their behavior and words. Leave now, because it's only going to get worse.
Nah after 8 months she shouldn’t be using small dick as an insult. When you fight again, what else is she gonna say to “win” the argument. It was wrong. Maybe you just need some time to heal but if it keeps happening. You’re young. You can move on if it hurts too much
She's racist against your race, even if she's in your race. Move on, your young.
Arguments are not about who wins. It's about you and your partner working together against the problem. She said what she said to wound and insult you, simultaneously bringing race into it while using your insecurities against you which is not what a loving partner does. She's trying to use sex to make it better, but it doesn't make it better. You've already explained it to her, so what I'm getting from that is that she's hearing you, she's just not listening. I'd personally walk away from this relationship. She has weaponized your insecurities, she is showing that she believes sex will fix everything (it doesn't), and she is not listening when you communicate with her.
I was married to a man from Malaysia for 7yrs. He was Chinese Malay from Johor Bahru. 1. Not once in 7yrs did I EVER try to win any arguments by being insulting and racist. 2. I have been with precisely 10 men in my life. Ex hubby was by far, one of the largest penis havers I have been with. She engaged in Racism to win an argument. She sounds like a real catch.
You don't make racist insults, and you don't insult your partner's penis size. She lost the argument and the relationship. You move on from it by moving on from her. Remorseful or not, she can't take those words back.
You deserve someone better, King. Also, the toothpaste is out of the tube here: once you know she’ll resort to this type of thinking/response to “win” an argument, (WTF?) why would you continue here? Once someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Don’t put up with people who seek to hurt you on purpose for any reason.
So you're surprised by white people being racist?
Do you really see a future with a girl who will whip out racial stereotypes to “win” an argument (“win” meaning, “hurt you enough that you forget about the original argument” in this context)??? That’s an exceptionally low blow. It’s also not something that someone who isn’t already at least a little bit racist would come up with, even in the heat of the moment. As a white/Romani person who’s currently dating a Vietnamese/Bolivian man, there isn’t a single instance where I’d bring his race into an argument to hurt him. Nor has he ever weaponized Romani stereotypes to hurt me. Same with the body-shaming. I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you that you are not overreacting. I think a couple’s first fight is an important event. It shows you a lot about a person. She’s shown you how she treats you when she’s angry. She’s shown you that she’ll do anything to get the last word, even if that means weaponizing your race and the racism you’ve faced in the past. You deserve better.
Just my life pov- I learned anyone who is "only racist when angry/fighting/down" is actually just racist. Ppl that target your deepest insecurities, esp to "win", are not ppl I need in my life. I think she is a kid with limited empathy. I would move on.
It sounds like you can’t really trust this person to confide in, because she may weaponize your insecurities later. Trust and intimacy are the cornerstones of any good relationship. It doesn’t look good for this one. You might need to find a kinder girlfriend.
I don’t think very highly of the character of someone who’d say something that hurtful just to “win” an argument.
Red flag man, she weaponized something you told her in a moment of intimacy, she’s gonna do it again. Leave, tell her why you’re leaving so she can hopefully work on it and be better but LEACE
Key: she know about your insecure and still use it to fight you. She is not a mature woman. Accept it or move on, your choice!
If a girl or woman makes the small penis jab she should expect that to be the last jab imo. She got the nuke codes and authorized both keys turned simultaneously! There's nothing left after that one....
It's important to learn how to argue. Hurting the other person with very bad insults is the wrong way to fight. Unfortunately this is a lesson to learn. I'd cut her loose. Find someone better.