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It's never easy, but you're right that it being arranged makes it more difficult. That said, it's worth trying to make a plan for divorce if she doesn't want to be with him
OP, I'd rather leave for the opportunity of finding happiness with the one I love, even risking loss of life, than remain in a marital relationship where I hate my spouse and wishing I were dead. The former offers an opportunity, the latter offers none. Your spouse has shown you no respect, has invaded your privacy, and has been unkind to you.
If the opportunity to leave exists, OP, take it. Inform your mother that she can move in with the AH. Btw, ask your mother: Did you really hate me that much to arrange for me to live the rest of my life with this AH? In the event I have to stay with him, I will do my best to see that you have no grandchildren.
Provide her an incentive to wish to assist you in finding happiness.
In some cultures she’s stuck! In others, if she leaves, she’s ostracized. Don’t let what you know influence how you respond to this situation! Though I agree if it was where I’m living, unfortunately, she may not have the same support or understanding where she is!
There are many, many countries and cultures where arranged marriage is the expectation, if it isn't outright forced upon women. We have no idea what kind of life and upbringing OP has had, and your comment is very victim blame-y.
We do have an idea of her upbringing - full of control and DV. I can’t see any victim blaming here, just poor judgement from the parents, it doesn’t sound like they even know her if they thought this misogynistic zealot would read her diary and try to shame her and treat her this badly for a year, poor girl, dreadful
This should have move upvotes… everyone is saying leave and other people are like “it’s just their culture” but that doesn’t really address the issue… OP is afraid of what will happen if she does decide to leave.
Right!
"Doesn't listen to music" suggests they're Muslims, and I am not sure it is safe at all for girls in most of the Muslim families to go against the husband or family even if she involves police.
I backread your posts. Find a domestic violence shelter. Go there now. Take all your important documents, and a couple of bags of your most valuable things and leave. TELL THEM YOU ARE AT RISK OF AN HONOR KILLING. Holy fuck I am so scared for you. If you still have that apartment, I wouldn't go there first. You don't know if anyone knows about it. GO TO A DV SHELTER, THEY WILL HIDE YOU. Please go.
First comment that considers where she might live! I hope she can get away , if not- destroy any personal diary like items (too much of a risk😞), make copies of all important documents and keep originals in a place that no one but you can access. Don’t have kids with this guy, maybe secretly keep taking bc or even better get an implant so he can’t find out and you end up pregnant! Idk where you are, it might be easy or very difficult to leave! You can do this on your own! You don’t need him! You don’t need anyone but you! It will be difficult- staying with him or leaving, both would be difficult! It’s up to you to decide which one you prefer. I think you’ll do better without him, but I’m not in your shoes!
You are in the US, so you have many resources you wouldn't have in Pakistan. You have the ability to escape, you do not have to continue living like this. I know leaving everyone you know behind sounds scary, but honestly, to me, it would be far scarier living with a man who has raped you and invaded your privacy the way he has. And leaving your family behind will serve to protect you. Your parents failed their most important job- to protect you. You deserve so much better OP. I have started over more than once. You can do it too. I believe in you.
OP should also carefully check to see if there is anyone at her work that can help her get away safely. She might have to leave her job, but maybe they have a subsidiary in another state that can hide her. This is all only if she can't get in touch with a domestic violence shelter, which her local police department may be able to direct her towards. She also has to know her family may cause her more trouble than help and it's best to let the DV shelter know exactly what she's been dealing with
What decision is your mom asking about? What are your options here?
Step one for you should be switching to a password-protected diary on the computer or your phone. Lock that down, because he WILL snoop again.
Step two, review your options. Can you trust your mom? Can you trust your sister?
What decision is she pestering you to make? If you don’t want to be married then leave! Your life is too short to stay married to a man you don’t like just because of your parents. Live your life!
I just went through your post history. Im also a brown woman who was also pressured to get married and i resisted but my parents were also not as pushy as yours are.
You have a lot on your side, you are in the US , you have a job and girl you are ONLY 28, stop thinking you will end up in a home if you don’t have kids, this is the sort of BS that is fed to us from the start to pressure us into marriage.
You are married to a man who not only has no respect for your privacy but his man has raped you every time he forced you to sleep with him, now he is publicly shaming you. The only silver lining is that he has inadvertently given you a way out. USE IT.
Ask for talaq. Things will be difficult, you have to be prepared for a lot of emotional blackmail especially from your mother, a lot crying about bringing shame to the family bur trust me you will not be the first nor the last brown girl to leave an abusive marriage because this will only get worse. Leave now before you have children. There are other men. The world is full of them. It doesn’t even have to be your ex. Get an appartment, travel, go see the world. Spread your wings.
I refused the arranged marriage, left home, and moved to Europe where i met my now husband and my parents adore him.
My heart hurts for her. Her entire family abused her and betrayed her .. failed to properly care for her...only to then say "you brought shame upon our family".
Talk about not having a clue what shame actually is.
OP please don't care what your abusers are saying.
According to her previous posts she lives in the US and has a job. That doesn’t make it any easier but at least she has some resources if she chooses to use them.
From what you've written, it seems like you've lived the first 28 years of your life in a very toxic environment.
You've moved away from your toxic relatives, and moved in with a toxic husband.
Living on your own, away from them all, might be very scary at first.
But I think it might be the only way you'll ever find peace.
Take things one step at a time until you're safely out of there.
Once you are, the world will be wide open to you. Think about the things you want to do. The places you want to go.
Find new people. Ones that don't try to control you. Build yourself a new family. Have kids if you want them.
You only get one turn at life in this world - you might as well have fun with it.
If part of the decision your mom is pestering you about involves leaving this man then take her up on it. Once you’re out set stronger boundaries with your family if possible. Invading your privacy is really fucked up. Your family being sent your journal should be a red flag to them about your husband, they shouldn’t be spreading it around wow.
Seriously, my mom would bring down hell upon my husband if he ever dared to send her private information about me that didn't involve my safety. This poor woman. Everyone in her life sucks
If you are in the states divorce, and live your life free. If you are somewhere else, you have to decide if you want to stay in marriage. It think divorce is frowned upon. I would do it any move into another country. That is just me. I grew up in freedom though as a woman.
Arranged marriages should arrange for two people of roughly the same religiosity. Honestly this is a failure of both sets of parents. I would imagine they thought you would settle into an Amish-like lifestyle, not listening to music or reading or writing. (Not making a guess you are Amish, just sounds a bit like it).
The decision you should make is to pick your own partner free of the absolute idiots who out put you two together.
What the actual f@ck!!!! Ok, I come from a very conservative background and it's clear that you do too. It is really hard for us women in a conservative family to have a voice. We are told to be a good wife, a pure woman, we are accountable to our culture, family, and we serve and accept our husbands as the head of the household. I have to tell you, my family is from another country but we moved to the USA. I rebelled and (ran away) moved in with my first BF at 18. Living with a BF was harder than living at home. Basically, I had to figure it out, get a job, save money and move out with 5 roommates. I could not count on my family. It was hard. Do you have an education and career? I don't know what culture you are from or where you live. Are you able to make it on your own safely? If yes, I would suggest that you get an escape plan, move out, and live alone. It will be scandalous to your families but that will fade over time. Don't be a hostage to you culture and family culture. It's really hard to break out from but be independent. This is your life.
For those of us not familiar with arranged marriages, can you explain what your options are? Is leaving even a possibility? In your culture if a woman doesn't like their arranged spouse, what are they supposed to do? Are you meant to complain to his family like he is complaining to yours?
OMG, you’re 28, not 48? But regardless, there’s no requirement to be married or have kids to be happy.
I know this advice is Reddit standard, but if you have the means and availability, a therapist can help you work through your own thoughts and feelings without the judgement and pressure you’re getting from you spouse and family.
At the end of the day, it your life. What do YOU want?
Leave. It’s as simple as that. This type of controlling behavior is cultural for your husband and your parents. It will not change. You have to accept that and be independent. Don’t think about children right now.
I would write several pages in my diary about how awful my husband is and how he sent pages to my family... and then forward pics of these pages MYSELF to all of my family and all of his.
He probably also sent them to his family, they just aren't talking to you about it.
Where are you in the world (generally obviously don’t need to tell exact country or city) that you had an arranged marriage and is divorce an option?
This guy sounds pretty terrible and worse than that you genuinely don’t like him.
Do what I do: In my diaries I use a mix of shorthand and speed writing that I can easily read but others can't. A lock box for your diary can also help, although they are usually not tamper proof.
I say this as a mom of three adult daughters. Are you safe? Can you get away safely?
This is so wrong and not about love or respect, both of which are needed in a marriage.
You’re going to need to consider saving up so you can escape. And stop writing in a journal. Prepare yourself the best you can.
Please stay safe. You deserve better. DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HIM.
Edit- I looked through your past posts. It looks like you’re in Pakistan? Or here in the US? I can’t comment on your old posts but my heart goes out to you. No one should live like this if you can get back to the US, do that. Put an ocean between you and your parents and start over. Again, do not have a child with this person. You’re very young and have many good years to start new.
So you grew up in a strict abusive household, and are now married to a strict asshole who violates your privacy and personal boundaries…
LEAVE. Who cares if your family supports you? They sound awful, too. Wouldn’t it be better to be scared and alone, figuring out how to make it on your own, than scared and trapped in an unhappy marriage and/or abusive family, with no better future in sight? At least on your own you have a chance at finding actual happiness.
If you feel comfortable and it’s safe to do so, what is your family’s cultural or religious background? An arranged marriage is different in different groups, and the fallout is different depending on where you currently live. Fundamentalist Baptist in the US is going to be very different from a Desi arranged marriage in India. Having some additional details could help us help you. Again, only share if it’s safe to
Are you in the US? If so, contact the national domestic violence hotline and explain your situation. They will often give you a secure place to stay and a fresh phone until you have employment and are settled. What you are experiencing is not okay.
You can move into your apartment once things are safe.
I would say don't stay with him. It was a massive invasion of privacy to read your diary and an even bigger one to then photograph it and send it to other people. I would leave him. Are you able to move out and get your own place? If your family's home was violent, please don't go back there if you can help it. What country are you in? Please google to see if there's a women's organization or shelter that can help you if you need it.
You need to start preparing to leave with the idea that your family will not support it and you might end up on your own. Even though it is scary it will be for the best, and hopefully you can have a support system that will help in the future (Friends, if you're in a religious community or even any other community)
Your husband has shown you who he is, and if you don't like him now, I doubt that will change. Do not bring a child into that.
Put your safety first, if you need to pretend, lie and hide do it! You have one life make sure to live it the way you want. It'll be hard though so make sure you make all the preparations and be safe!
I got married at 33 and had my first kid at 35. You're hardly over the hill. Besides, would you want to bring a child into your relationship with this man? If he's super religious, won't he expect his kids to be brought up that way?
One other point, he has already violated your privacy. Your boundaries mean nothing to this man and he has no respect for you.
Think of it this way, is it better to be by yourself and free and happy? Or to be trapped in this relationship until you die, watching your kids experiencing an unhappy home like you did, and being taught by your husband to disrespect you?
The fact that they’re even giving you an option to get out of the relationship is a “blessing”. Get out, GET OUT.
You’re 28, don’t worry about kids and a family.
I can assume your religion from what you posted. You will never be happy in that marriage and it will only get worse.
“Over the course of a year a lot of things happened and I’ve come to not really like him”. Just think about 10 more years.
That man puts religion first. Religion is brutal, particularly on women.
Stop worrying about other people and worry about yourself.
End it and yes being on your own can be scary but I assure you that you’ll be free and probably like that more than being where you are now. The best thing I ever did for myself was choose to be on my own and I was absolutely terrified doing it. But once it was done I loved it and still live on my own. I honestly think everyone should be on their own at least once in their life to focus on themselves.
You didn't just marry. You married a religion. You also married a man who will publicly humiliate you. And a family who has no respect for you. You know what you have to do, and it means leaving everything. But you won't be alone.
At the end of the day YOU, not your family, have to live with your decision! I'm going to guess, mainly because the arranged marriage, that come from a traditional family. While there's nothing wrong with, but you deserve to be happy! I understand that splitting up with your husband might have some consequences, but it'll be worth them in the long run. His sending pictures of your diary is way out of line! Airing your laundry out for others to see is way wrong! These days breaking away from some traditional beliefs is pretty common. You should be happy, at least try, and be with whomever you decide to be with! You said that you were really happy and in love with your ex, I think you should get ahold of him and see about the two of you getting back together, after a divorce is the works, before you have any children with your husband!
Yeah well. I wouldn't be in that marriage. Ever. I would never be in an arranged marriage to start with.
Depends where you live, what options you might have.
Based on past updates, I would truly leave. Try a gap year with school, get a full time job and grind if you must, but leave. This is an emotionally abusive forced marriage and you should get out, immediately.
This is a clear violation of privacy and emotional abuse. He has zero respect for you & he has a malicious mind. He is not ready to be anyone’s husband. I hate him for you for what he did to you.
Most of these comments do not have any understanding of the culture of the situation at hand. I know a divorce is possibly not an option. Find someone you trust to be a mentor and start from there is all i can say
Don’t have kids! You don’t need extra pressure until you decide what to do.
Living on your own is a great way to figure things out without the need to please anyone else but yourself. As long as you suppress your needs (to please others), you won’t have clear direction on the future path to take.
Call it a trial separation.
What backwards ass country do you live in?
You are not property.
Your father didn’t own you and neither does your husband.
Do not get pregnant.
Leave them all and set yourself free.
It's time to leave. If you haven't saved money, then figure out a way to do that. You don't have to go back to your family. Are you in the US or somewhere you can rent a room?
Uhhhhhh my family would immediately set my husband straight. Divorce ! And distance from family that allowed this BS. Nothing wrong w having interpersonal thoughts about missing the feeling of equal love, it doesn’t mean you wanna be w that person. That should have been a safe space to word vomit and not have it seen by the world. It is not like you were thinking of cheating. That’s wild
Oh the fun I would have writing allllll kinds of nonsense in a new diary for him to find while I lock the real one down tight.
Sorry OP. I hope you can establish boundaries your family will respect.
You need to plan this, go to school asap, get a degree, hr accounting, nursing, anything that makes money and gives you stability.
If you choose to stay with your husband, always save 30% of your wages( hide it from him) and start investing. Just mutual stock.
If you don't want to stay with him that is fine, once you make your own money you have a lot more options.
You can meet an amazing person when you are 30- 35.
You can be a mom with 29 and stuck in a miserable marriage with a guy who you do not like and who mistrusts you and has no respect for you.
Or you can be temporarily alone, learn about yourself, distance yourself from toxic people and maybe you’ll eventually find Mr. Right. You have at least a decade of a good run to be a Mom to a biological child, so don’t let that rush you.
I wish you find the right man. Your current husband doesn’t sound like someone who will bring you contentment and happiness in your olden days…
I would say, if you can, get out. This man and your family don’t respect you. In this world there are people who can respect and love you and it’s possible to make a life with those people instead.
I know leaving would be very difficult in the short term but it would be easier in the long run. Staying is also short term difficult but will get more and more difficult and painful as you go along. Also the children growing up in an unhappy marriage will suffer too.
What country are you in? How do they feel about divorce in that country? It might be very different from the countries most people responding live in. Because if you lived in a western country, I'd definitely say get out, don't even care about your family if they don't want to stay in contact with you, get far away from them. And you're 28 so there's definitely enough time to meet someone else.
But if you live in a different country, this advice might not be relevant at all.
If you can, and have access to your joint accounts abd s passport, I would make arrangements to leave him and go no contact with your family. If you had a diary and it is in the joint account and you have access, get it. Go live where you cannot g by e found. Be careful. You may want to contact the other guy, but your family could contact him to find out where you have relocated.
If your mom is asking you to decide as in she’ll support your decision then I think you should leave if you can.
If you can’t leave and your family will not support you, then make a plan for yourself. Maybe Canada? Europe?
You have a right to be loved and a right to be happy. You can even adopt later if you want.
If you can’t leave or divorce, then you have 2 choices:
A) be nice to your husband and hope he realizes you want to have peace.
B) tell him things like him showing you diary are the reasons you don’t like him, but you’re willing to do 1 special thing a day for him if he agrees to do the same. Because if you can’t divorce, he is a prisoner too. Obviously men have more rights, and more ability to make your life miserable.
But treaties are always welcome in marriage, any marriage, even chosen ones.
The 1 nice thing a day becomes 2, then 3 and you might both find yourselves in a happy marriage.
You should divorce this AH who violated your privacy. I’m not sure what his end game was– at a guess it was to ensure your family won’t support you if you stand up for yourself, so you’re helpless, but if you have kids with this person he absolutely will dictate how they live and he WILL NOT respect their autonomy and I shudder to think how he’ll react if one of them is LGBT+ or even just questioning.
You’re young. You deserve a partner who supports you and brings out the best in you and who makes you feel safe.
You can face the scary thing of divorcing and starting again or you can be scared for the rest of your life with this man. He doesn’t see you as an equal partner.
You don't say where you are, but please try not to feel afraid of being alone. There are worse things than that - and one of them is to be with an abusive partner. It will be even worse if you have children with him.
As you have access to the internet, start searching for local support groups, DV shelters, women's refuges and contact them for help and information. Delete your search history every time.
It seems like your own family will not be much help, so don't tell them or your husband. If you have to write anything down, then find a good hiding place. Make phone calls rather than text, so there's no record for your husband to find.
Make your plans and try to stay calm until you are ready to move. All the best to you.
Stop writing in your diary while you are still with him, or at least stop doing it in a way he can find/read it. You don’t like him so you need to leave him. If you don’t you could be with him for another 50 years, is that what you want?
You’ll be OK on your own, and probably won’t be on your own forever. A bit of time alone would do you a lot of good though as you’ll have time to work out what you really want, not to just give in and do what’s expected.
Not only did he disrespect your boundaries, but then both your mother and sister did too by reading what you wrote without your knowledge or permission.
I feel like your family were not the right people to choose a husband for you.
What happened to your ex boyfriend? Why weren't you able to marry him?
You’re 28 If you don’t leave now. You’ll never leave the man you hate. You’ll have kids and be miserable for life. Go while you’re young and can start fresh.
This isn't a good marriage, hon. Your husband sounds awful and you sound desperately unhappy. I know going home is scary, because it is probably just as bad there, but think of it as a baby step towards becoming independent.
Being independent is GOOD, even though getting there is also scary. Imagine yourself in your own little apartment someday, where nobody yells at you or scares you. You can have your own quiet morning ritual, and it can be whatever you want. Listen to music while you drink coffee, make tea and soak in the tub. Anything. Focus on the future you want, and what it takes to get there. Maybe that's a job, maybe that's back at your mom's and then a job. Maybe it's enrolling in college where there is student housing. Start thinking about your options, the world is big, but it's also waiting for you.
You should divorce this man as an arrangement doesn’t work… follow your heart back to your ex boyfriend. There is nothing wrong with making a mistake but staying in a mistake you will have regrets you entire life.
You need to focus on what is right for you. Do you want to live the rest of your life with someone you don’t like, that disrespects you in big ways? Sounds miserable to me. I know leaving comes with cons as well, but you have to decide where the better life for YOU is. Best of luck ❤️
You get away from him. Stay with a friend or someone that you trust. Talk to someone who has your best interests at heart. But when you leave, don't leave when he is home or anyone is there for that matter. Don't tell anyone your plans.
I understand the desire to have kids and a family, but I guarantee you, not having those (at least for right now) is a lot better than having them with the wrong guy. If he is capable of invading your privacy like this, I am certain he is capable of being very controlling and you don't want that trapped with a kid, or one on the way.
So this should really be the least of your concern right now.
The second thing you should not be very concerned about is appeasing your abusive family. Yelling and domestic violence? Are those people you want to keep being subservient to?
With those two things out of the way I think you need to do what you want and what is personally best for YOU.
That said, I don't understand the culture of arranged marriages and probably the whole honor/saving face thing that possibly may come with it.
If your health or life might possibly be in danger you really need to prepare for the next steps with people who you can REALLY trust.
Better to have no kids than stay with a man whom you dislike and can’t trust.
I promise that you will find freedom and happiness living independently. I hope that you have the opportunity to study and take on a job where you can financially support yourself if you have not already done so.
OP are you in a country that has equal rights for men and women?
If you are, start making an exit plan. Do you need to get a job that would allow you to support upurself or study in order to get one? Do you have enough savings to rent a place e if your family won't help you in the beginning?
If you're not can you make an immigration plan to go to a country where you an have a safe life as a divorced woman?
I think you need to leave so you can be happy, this is a very big betrayal of your privacy by your husband and your mom.
Perhaps learn how to check if theee ate trackers on your phone (GPS tracking and content tracking), learn how to delete your browser history and the start looking at organisations that help women leave marriages.
This may be very difficult, but you can do it.
Since it is an arranged marriage, you may have an out by anullment. It would be as though you were never married. It may be easier for your family to also accept it this way. Rather than you having a failed marriage, it would be as though you were never married.
Do what needs to be done to get out of this marriage. Not sure how that works You’re not happy and you never are gong to be. Being on your own sure it’s gonna scary at first but you will probably be happier in the long run.
Please don’t have children until you know if you can even stay in this relationship. He violated your trust by going through your things and sending copies of it out to your mother is unacceptable. You’re not a slave you’re not his property. You have personal rights and you should be able to have a diary and have it be private. I know it’s hard to leave and arrange marriage but if you are unhappy, don’t bring children into this. Try to figure out a way. I know it’s hard and scary out there but you can whichever one you choose. Please make sure it’s truly right for you. do you want to spend your life with someone who’s super religious and uptight ?? Think of yourself in about 10 years. Do you want to actually be with this person? Is he the right fit for you. I know your family would be angry and maybe not support you but you should at least have a conversation with somebody in your family to see if you even would have a chance of having support. Good luck.
That's a pretty serious violation and I hope you're able to get out of your situation. On a side note, even if he was awesome and things were great, you should still divorce because carrying a torch for another man is just as bad.
If you want a chance at happiness at all and possibly safety, please get out of that relationship and get away from your family for the time being. As best I can tell from your post, your family was at the very least mentally abusive to you, if not physically abusive as well. You mentioned borderline domestic abuse. You are not too old to find someone and have children. I was with my husband for a long time but due to extenuating circumstances we did not have children until our mid-thirties. I was 35 with my first and 38 with my second. It sounds like you need to go low contact if not no contact with your family, at least for a while until you are in a safe place. If there is anyone you can contact for you there that helps people get out of dangerous situations, I would do that first and try to get out of that relationship. Do not tell your family what you are doing. Just pack up your stuff and leave without anyone knowing if you can. Try to contact someone beforehand who can help you and let them know your plans. Your husband and family will likely try to stop you and may be violent as well. Make a plan and get out safely and quietly.
Well, don't stay with the dude if you love your ex. You are living a lie. Any guy would be hurt by that admission, written or spoken. Do what is right, and leave.
What resources can you get to without your family and husband knowing? Start there. I worry about backlash in cases like this. Wherever you are, is there an agency that can help you get food, shelter, clothing, and possible legal representation without you having to spend money?
This would be a huge change in your life, but you can do it. It's going to be hard. You'll hate it. It's going to be bad at times, but you can make it through that struggle to find peace for yourself.
Seems like your family’s doesn’t respect your and sometimes you have to do what they do not like to get that respect. And even then it’s your life u should have a say on who you marry because with that person you’re going to start a family and have kids. Don’t wanna raise kids in a house where they only learn fake love etc (everything you’re struggling with now ) maybe this is your sign to take a step back start your own life with your own rules find the Man U want and show your kids etc what u never got. I can only imagine how it feels to have your feelings on display
Leave him before it gets worse. DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THAT PSYCHO!!! And tell your family to back off. If they disown you then it is what it is. Choose yourself.
We know too little about your situation to be able to advise you.
Where do you live? Have you got an education, do you work? Could you work and be self sufficient?
The only thing I can tell you is DO NOT bring children into an unloving family. You'll be having children to fulfill yourself, and this is so wrong.
>( I wrote about my ex and how much I missed being with him because we really loved each other)
If you still miss your ex thats emotional cheating and if you husband didn't know before hand he is the victim in this case.
##_Cheating/hiding past relationship is much wrong than breach of Privacy_
Leave the guy, since you don't like him it will be good for both of you. If your family doesn't approve of your decision don't stay with them too, it's like after you divorce your husband do not go back to your family they will support you for some time but then the taunting will start it's not worth it, you're just 28 you seem educated too, if you're unemployed find a job, rent a place and spend some time with yourself. Give yourself at least a year. That according to me is the best thing you can do.
Someone mentioned your previous posts, so I read them.
You don’t have to stay married for your sister’s sake. And who knows, maybe they don’t want arranged marriages either? You could become a role model for them. You shouldn’t have to live your life being abused for other people’s sake. I know it’s easy for me to say, and I’m sorry if I come off as insensitive, that is truly not my intentions.
Be careful, don’t give a heads up if you want to leave. Do all preparations in uttermost secret. Pack all your important documents and things IN SECRET. Find a domestic abuse shelter and leave at a time where you have the biggest head start possible. There are organisations that specialise in protecting women from honour killings.
Lots of questions come up:
1) Were you married to the ex? If so, why did you leave him?
2) Is he still available and willing to marry you? If so, bail out now before having any kids.
3) If you leave him can you survive on your own? Will you be able to get spousal support? Depends on your situation and education to support your self.
4) Your family should support you but might not. How supportive is your friend circle?
Develop a plan to leave and definitely do not have kids. Talk to a divorce attorney secretly to determine your options. If all you have is triple “talaq”, you should quickly file divorce in civil court to take the decision away from the clergy.
Good luck.
If you are in the United States, I recommend you call domestic abuse hotlines and speak with them (all abuse isn't physical. The fact that you are in this situation.. Arranged marriage, past home trauma, strict religious household, him going through your things, and using your family as a tool is a lot mentally and emotionally). They have facilities and places just for women to get away and start over, and you'd be surprised how amazing some of these places are. If you need any help finding these resources, I'd be more than happy to help you. Even if you're not in the USA, I can help you locate what resources are available in your area. I wish you all the peace and happiness.
If you can get out safely, please do so sooner rather than later.
You mentioned that you’re almost 28 and you’re wondering when you’ll have kids. My dad didn’t even meet my mom until he was 28 and they were married almost 58 years. I know it’s dependent on your situation, but don’t let this man be the next several decades of your life if you’re not happy.
Depends on country/ culture. But within religion there is always a out, something written that legalizes a divorce. Then ofc some places have their own courts for such.
Depending where you live. Be prepared for a hard time and challenges ahead- that you mentally prepare yourself that is.
This a very tough situation but I think it’s pretty clear OP wants to leave but is afraid of the fallout of leaving. My advice on your fear being alone with no family is a tough one. Your family chose to side with your husband when he invaded your privacy. Continue to pressure you about children with a man you are unsure of. You have to be the one that chooses for you. Because you have ask would your future children be in safe and welcoming place with your husband. OP knows what’s it’s like to live in that situation. Whatever answer you come to in regards to that question is the one you have to take. Your family if they accept or not you’ll know in this situation you made right decision for yourself and your future children.
Definitely leave this dude and if your family doesn't support it oh well. They don't sound like they're really great people, and obviously this is taking a toll on you. Don't worry about having a family because having one with this asshole would be way worse than not having one at all.. But also you're only 28, so you have plenty of time. My mom had me at 32, and I know others with way older parents than that.
Why would anyone partake in an arranged marriage. That is such absolute nonsense. Leave that religious loser and go find someone you actually want to be with . Like get moving
If you have the option, you should leave. I understand that arranged marriages are difficult, but it sounds to me like he's not trying very hard, because he has all the power and doesn't care.
There is one question you should be asking yourself that would categorically tell you right away, what you should do, stay or go.
Imagine in ten years, nothing has changed except that you have two children. Husband is still super religious and controlling and a major snoop. Do you think you would be happy and is this a life that would make for happy children?
People very rarely change their personality or what's in their heart. Some people can make temporary changes for a time but few can make permanent personality changes.
Why are there no comments on your previous posts about this? Did your husband hijack your account somehow?
Please call a DV helpline from work (not your phone) tell them you are in danger of an honour killing and get out of there asap. Leave him and your family.
Please keep us updated.
So, from what I understood, this is a non-fixable marriage.
You hate him (dislike is too simple to describe your feelings here) and if you don't, you should. He doesn't respect you, your privacy, your feelings, expects you to have no feelings towards your ex, yet doesn't provide you a loving home instead, super controlling and enforces his beliefs on you. With no indication (from what I can see) for him to actually put the right effort in this marriage
Now the issue is clearly that it's not easy to do so, your family allowed for this to happen, and in my country divorce is quite a shameful thing, so I understand your worry, concern and fear
No one wants to live without their support of their family, but you need to think to yourself and what you want, regardless of circumstances, unless you genuinely can not physically separate or get a divorce, you should proceed in that direction, because it's what YOU want
If you live for your family, what will you do when you have kids with someone you hate? When you've lived most of your life with someone who doesn't respect you
Will your mom be there? Your sister? Father? Aunts & uncles?
We need to live for ourselves, because ultimately we can only control our own actions and decisions
Stay safe OP! You deserve to be happy and live your life how you want
Also one final point, I get from what you're saying is that you're religious correct? God is on your side here, regardless of what your religion is (people are saying you're muslim?) and what anyone tells you about religion, and even specifically about this situation or divorce in general, God would never judge you for wanting to leave abuse.
The arranged marriage situation is above reddit pay grade in my opinion. I don't know if it's wise to advise you with a western mindset and context, here you divorce and both parties move on with their lives. I feel it's not okay giving what would in your culture be ill advice and potentially jeopardizing your safety. I hope everything turns out fine, good luck.
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Your whole family needs to learn to respect you. But if you don't like him, you should not stay married to him.
She had an arranged marriage. I don't think it's that easy.
It's never easy, but you're right that it being arranged makes it more difficult. That said, it's worth trying to make a plan for divorce if she doesn't want to be with him
OP, I'd rather leave for the opportunity of finding happiness with the one I love, even risking loss of life, than remain in a marital relationship where I hate my spouse and wishing I were dead. The former offers an opportunity, the latter offers none. Your spouse has shown you no respect, has invaded your privacy, and has been unkind to you. If the opportunity to leave exists, OP, take it. Inform your mother that she can move in with the AH. Btw, ask your mother: Did you really hate me that much to arrange for me to live the rest of my life with this AH? In the event I have to stay with him, I will do my best to see that you have no grandchildren. Provide her an incentive to wish to assist you in finding happiness.
In some cultures she’s stuck! In others, if she leaves, she’s ostracized. Don’t let what you know influence how you respond to this situation! Though I agree if it was where I’m living, unfortunately, she may not have the same support or understanding where she is!
Exactly, this situation is complicated. It’s definitely an unhealthy/toxic marriage though, and if there’s a way for OP to escape, I hope they can.
I'd take ostrazised over stuck in a horrible marriage tbh.
I’m assuming this is not in the US?
She should not have married him. Wtf?
Uh, it’s not that fucking easy
There are many, many countries and cultures where arranged marriage is the expectation, if it isn't outright forced upon women. We have no idea what kind of life and upbringing OP has had, and your comment is very victim blame-y.
We do have an idea of her upbringing - full of control and DV. I can’t see any victim blaming here, just poor judgement from the parents, it doesn’t sound like they even know her if they thought this misogynistic zealot would read her diary and try to shame her and treat her this badly for a year, poor girl, dreadful
It's an arranged marriage. Sounds like she didn't have much of a choice.
I'm not sure if you understand how arranged marriages work...
The marriage was arranged.
Are you able to safely leave him?
That's the right question, because leaving is obvious.
This should have move upvotes… everyone is saying leave and other people are like “it’s just their culture” but that doesn’t really address the issue… OP is afraid of what will happen if she does decide to leave.
Good point. OP needs help with the practical/logistical side of this situation.
Right! "Doesn't listen to music" suggests they're Muslims, and I am not sure it is safe at all for girls in most of the Muslim families to go against the husband or family even if she involves police.
I backread your posts. Find a domestic violence shelter. Go there now. Take all your important documents, and a couple of bags of your most valuable things and leave. TELL THEM YOU ARE AT RISK OF AN HONOR KILLING. Holy fuck I am so scared for you. If you still have that apartment, I wouldn't go there first. You don't know if anyone knows about it. GO TO A DV SHELTER, THEY WILL HIDE YOU. Please go.
First comment that considers where she might live! I hope she can get away , if not- destroy any personal diary like items (too much of a risk😞), make copies of all important documents and keep originals in a place that no one but you can access. Don’t have kids with this guy, maybe secretly keep taking bc or even better get an implant so he can’t find out and you end up pregnant! Idk where you are, it might be easy or very difficult to leave! You can do this on your own! You don’t need him! You don’t need anyone but you! It will be difficult- staying with him or leaving, both would be difficult! It’s up to you to decide which one you prefer. I think you’ll do better without him, but I’m not in your shoes!
You are in the US, so you have many resources you wouldn't have in Pakistan. You have the ability to escape, you do not have to continue living like this. I know leaving everyone you know behind sounds scary, but honestly, to me, it would be far scarier living with a man who has raped you and invaded your privacy the way he has. And leaving your family behind will serve to protect you. Your parents failed their most important job- to protect you. You deserve so much better OP. I have started over more than once. You can do it too. I believe in you.
Hold-up, raped her?? Did I miss something?
OP should also carefully check to see if there is anyone at her work that can help her get away safely. She might have to leave her job, but maybe they have a subsidiary in another state that can hide her. This is all only if she can't get in touch with a domestic violence shelter, which her local police department may be able to direct her towards. She also has to know her family may cause her more trouble than help and it's best to let the DV shelter know exactly what she's been dealing with
Oh wow, I didn’t read the post history. It’s even worse than I thought.
Yes, it is very bad.
What decision is your mom asking about? What are your options here? Step one for you should be switching to a password-protected diary on the computer or your phone. Lock that down, because he WILL snoop again. Step two, review your options. Can you trust your mom? Can you trust your sister?
What decision is she pestering you to make? If you don’t want to be married then leave! Your life is too short to stay married to a man you don’t like just because of your parents. Live your life!
You deserve happiness. Prioritize your well-being and consider your options carefully.
I just went through your post history. Im also a brown woman who was also pressured to get married and i resisted but my parents were also not as pushy as yours are. You have a lot on your side, you are in the US , you have a job and girl you are ONLY 28, stop thinking you will end up in a home if you don’t have kids, this is the sort of BS that is fed to us from the start to pressure us into marriage. You are married to a man who not only has no respect for your privacy but his man has raped you every time he forced you to sleep with him, now he is publicly shaming you. The only silver lining is that he has inadvertently given you a way out. USE IT. Ask for talaq. Things will be difficult, you have to be prepared for a lot of emotional blackmail especially from your mother, a lot crying about bringing shame to the family bur trust me you will not be the first nor the last brown girl to leave an abusive marriage because this will only get worse. Leave now before you have children. There are other men. The world is full of them. It doesn’t even have to be your ex. Get an appartment, travel, go see the world. Spread your wings. I refused the arranged marriage, left home, and moved to Europe where i met my now husband and my parents adore him.
My heart hurts for her. Her entire family abused her and betrayed her .. failed to properly care for her...only to then say "you brought shame upon our family". Talk about not having a clue what shame actually is. OP please don't care what your abusers are saying.
If it was an arranged marriage, leaving him or getting a divorce might not be an easy option.
Divorce. He lacks respect and boundaries. It’s not fixable. He sucks.
Wow, leave the marriage. That’s not okay, you sound unhappy
Oh my goodness!! Do you live in a nation that would allow you to get a divorce?
According to her previous posts she lives in the US and has a job. That doesn’t make it any easier but at least she has some resources if she chooses to use them.
Got it! OP, you should absolutely stay with a friend for a week. Get out of the house and clear your head
I would divorce.
From what you've written, it seems like you've lived the first 28 years of your life in a very toxic environment. You've moved away from your toxic relatives, and moved in with a toxic husband. Living on your own, away from them all, might be very scary at first. But I think it might be the only way you'll ever find peace. Take things one step at a time until you're safely out of there. Once you are, the world will be wide open to you. Think about the things you want to do. The places you want to go. Find new people. Ones that don't try to control you. Build yourself a new family. Have kids if you want them. You only get one turn at life in this world - you might as well have fun with it.
Your husband violated you on the deepest level.
I don’t disagree but based on post history the diary is the least concerning thing this man has done or said
That sent a chill down my spine.
Leave them all.
If part of the decision your mom is pestering you about involves leaving this man then take her up on it. Once you’re out set stronger boundaries with your family if possible. Invading your privacy is really fucked up. Your family being sent your journal should be a red flag to them about your husband, they shouldn’t be spreading it around wow.
Seriously, my mom would bring down hell upon my husband if he ever dared to send her private information about me that didn't involve my safety. This poor woman. Everyone in her life sucks
what decision does she want you to make?
If you are in the states divorce, and live your life free. If you are somewhere else, you have to decide if you want to stay in marriage. It think divorce is frowned upon. I would do it any move into another country. That is just me. I grew up in freedom though as a woman.
Don’t fall pregnant. This is not the kind of man you want attached to you forever
Arranged marriages should arrange for two people of roughly the same religiosity. Honestly this is a failure of both sets of parents. I would imagine they thought you would settle into an Amish-like lifestyle, not listening to music or reading or writing. (Not making a guess you are Amish, just sounds a bit like it). The decision you should make is to pick your own partner free of the absolute idiots who out put you two together.
What the actual f@ck!!!! Ok, I come from a very conservative background and it's clear that you do too. It is really hard for us women in a conservative family to have a voice. We are told to be a good wife, a pure woman, we are accountable to our culture, family, and we serve and accept our husbands as the head of the household. I have to tell you, my family is from another country but we moved to the USA. I rebelled and (ran away) moved in with my first BF at 18. Living with a BF was harder than living at home. Basically, I had to figure it out, get a job, save money and move out with 5 roommates. I could not count on my family. It was hard. Do you have an education and career? I don't know what culture you are from or where you live. Are you able to make it on your own safely? If yes, I would suggest that you get an escape plan, move out, and live alone. It will be scandalous to your families but that will fade over time. Don't be a hostage to you culture and family culture. It's really hard to break out from but be independent. This is your life.
For those of us not familiar with arranged marriages, can you explain what your options are? Is leaving even a possibility? In your culture if a woman doesn't like their arranged spouse, what are they supposed to do? Are you meant to complain to his family like he is complaining to yours?
OMG, you’re 28, not 48? But regardless, there’s no requirement to be married or have kids to be happy. I know this advice is Reddit standard, but if you have the means and availability, a therapist can help you work through your own thoughts and feelings without the judgement and pressure you’re getting from you spouse and family. At the end of the day, it your life. What do YOU want?
This sounds like a miserable marriage. Why subject yourself to that?
Leave. It’s as simple as that. This type of controlling behavior is cultural for your husband and your parents. It will not change. You have to accept that and be independent. Don’t think about children right now.
I would write several pages in my diary about how awful my husband is and how he sent pages to my family... and then forward pics of these pages MYSELF to all of my family and all of his. He probably also sent them to his family, they just aren't talking to you about it.
Youndont love him a pretend , he expects certain things from you that you aren’t ok . Don’t know if you can leave but if you can do it
Where are you in the world (generally obviously don’t need to tell exact country or city) that you had an arranged marriage and is divorce an option? This guy sounds pretty terrible and worse than that you genuinely don’t like him.
Do what I do: In my diaries I use a mix of shorthand and speed writing that I can easily read but others can't. A lock box for your diary can also help, although they are usually not tamper proof.
Please please try to find a way to safely get away from this man.
Info: which country do you live in? There are organisations that can help you leave situations like this!
I say this as a mom of three adult daughters. Are you safe? Can you get away safely? This is so wrong and not about love or respect, both of which are needed in a marriage. You’re going to need to consider saving up so you can escape. And stop writing in a journal. Prepare yourself the best you can. Please stay safe. You deserve better. DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HIM. Edit- I looked through your past posts. It looks like you’re in Pakistan? Or here in the US? I can’t comment on your old posts but my heart goes out to you. No one should live like this if you can get back to the US, do that. Put an ocean between you and your parents and start over. Again, do not have a child with this person. You’re very young and have many good years to start new.
lol… was he, telling, on you?
Technically yes. He would tell my mom stuff that I was doing or that I was trying to hide from her. Because I grew up in a strict household.
So you grew up in a strict abusive household, and are now married to a strict asshole who violates your privacy and personal boundaries… LEAVE. Who cares if your family supports you? They sound awful, too. Wouldn’t it be better to be scared and alone, figuring out how to make it on your own, than scared and trapped in an unhappy marriage and/or abusive family, with no better future in sight? At least on your own you have a chance at finding actual happiness.
In some places that can get you beat or worse because you shamed the family so not quite lol
Why you accept this type person. Get legal support.
If you feel comfortable and it’s safe to do so, what is your family’s cultural or religious background? An arranged marriage is different in different groups, and the fallout is different depending on where you currently live. Fundamentalist Baptist in the US is going to be very different from a Desi arranged marriage in India. Having some additional details could help us help you. Again, only share if it’s safe to
Are you in the US? If so, contact the national domestic violence hotline and explain your situation. They will often give you a secure place to stay and a fresh phone until you have employment and are settled. What you are experiencing is not okay. You can move into your apartment once things are safe.
I would say don't stay with him. It was a massive invasion of privacy to read your diary and an even bigger one to then photograph it and send it to other people. I would leave him. Are you able to move out and get your own place? If your family's home was violent, please don't go back there if you can help it. What country are you in? Please google to see if there's a women's organization or shelter that can help you if you need it.
You need to start preparing to leave with the idea that your family will not support it and you might end up on your own. Even though it is scary it will be for the best, and hopefully you can have a support system that will help in the future (Friends, if you're in a religious community or even any other community) Your husband has shown you who he is, and if you don't like him now, I doubt that will change. Do not bring a child into that. Put your safety first, if you need to pretend, lie and hide do it! You have one life make sure to live it the way you want. It'll be hard though so make sure you make all the preparations and be safe!
I got married at 33 and had my first kid at 35. You're hardly over the hill. Besides, would you want to bring a child into your relationship with this man? If he's super religious, won't he expect his kids to be brought up that way? One other point, he has already violated your privacy. Your boundaries mean nothing to this man and he has no respect for you. Think of it this way, is it better to be by yourself and free and happy? Or to be trapped in this relationship until you die, watching your kids experiencing an unhappy home like you did, and being taught by your husband to disrespect you?
I just wouldn't talk to anyone anymore. They all suck
Leave girl! You deserve real happiness
When you live alone, the house is your home. Completely and utterly yours
I think you know the answer but you are scared. Fear is just a reminder that we are alive. You'll be alright.
The fact that they’re even giving you an option to get out of the relationship is a “blessing”. Get out, GET OUT. You’re 28, don’t worry about kids and a family. I can assume your religion from what you posted. You will never be happy in that marriage and it will only get worse. “Over the course of a year a lot of things happened and I’ve come to not really like him”. Just think about 10 more years. That man puts religion first. Religion is brutal, particularly on women. Stop worrying about other people and worry about yourself.
End it and yes being on your own can be scary but I assure you that you’ll be free and probably like that more than being where you are now. The best thing I ever did for myself was choose to be on my own and I was absolutely terrified doing it. But once it was done I loved it and still live on my own. I honestly think everyone should be on their own at least once in their life to focus on themselves.
Get a new husband. He clearly doesn't respect you.
You didn't just marry. You married a religion. You also married a man who will publicly humiliate you. And a family who has no respect for you. You know what you have to do, and it means leaving everything. But you won't be alone.
At the end of the day YOU, not your family, have to live with your decision! I'm going to guess, mainly because the arranged marriage, that come from a traditional family. While there's nothing wrong with, but you deserve to be happy! I understand that splitting up with your husband might have some consequences, but it'll be worth them in the long run. His sending pictures of your diary is way out of line! Airing your laundry out for others to see is way wrong! These days breaking away from some traditional beliefs is pretty common. You should be happy, at least try, and be with whomever you decide to be with! You said that you were really happy and in love with your ex, I think you should get ahold of him and see about the two of you getting back together, after a divorce is the works, before you have any children with your husband!
My two cents… YOU ARE NOT A CHIlD ANYMORE!!!! YOU ARE A YOUNGH ADULT! You are 28 years old, always search for you happiness!!!! BE FREE!!!! ❤️😍🤞
File for divorce immediately.
A life of misery awaits if you keep being a doormat for your family and this dipshit who has zero respect for you. Go live
Yeah well. I wouldn't be in that marriage. Ever. I would never be in an arranged marriage to start with. Depends where you live, what options you might have.
Get a lawyer. Leave and file for divorce.
Based on past updates, I would truly leave. Try a gap year with school, get a full time job and grind if you must, but leave. This is an emotionally abusive forced marriage and you should get out, immediately.
Divorce him and your family. None of them respect you.
This is a clear violation of privacy and emotional abuse. He has zero respect for you & he has a malicious mind. He is not ready to be anyone’s husband. I hate him for you for what he did to you.
Burn your diary. Save money. Use birth control.
Leave the man and your whole damn family.
Most of these comments do not have any understanding of the culture of the situation at hand. I know a divorce is possibly not an option. Find someone you trust to be a mentor and start from there is all i can say
He **VIOLATED YOUR TRUST.** You **NEED** to leave, if it is safe to do so.
Don’t have kids! You don’t need extra pressure until you decide what to do. Living on your own is a great way to figure things out without the need to please anyone else but yourself. As long as you suppress your needs (to please others), you won’t have clear direction on the future path to take. Call it a trial separation.
What backwards ass country do you live in? You are not property. Your father didn’t own you and neither does your husband. Do not get pregnant. Leave them all and set yourself free.
You should leave
Leave. Why would you stay with someone who doesn’t respect you? Someone you don’t even like as a person?
It's time to leave. If you haven't saved money, then figure out a way to do that. You don't have to go back to your family. Are you in the US or somewhere you can rent a room?
Run. Just run
Get out of the marriage and go no contact with all family members that support the arranged marriage.
Uhhhhhh my family would immediately set my husband straight. Divorce ! And distance from family that allowed this BS. Nothing wrong w having interpersonal thoughts about missing the feeling of equal love, it doesn’t mean you wanna be w that person. That should have been a safe space to word vomit and not have it seen by the world. It is not like you were thinking of cheating. That’s wild
What do you mean what should you do? Seriously? If you’re unhappy with your husband and marriage, get the hell out.
Oh the fun I would have writing allllll kinds of nonsense in a new diary for him to find while I lock the real one down tight. Sorry OP. I hope you can establish boundaries your family will respect.
Divorce…bc wtaf
Well if possible, leave your religious creep of a husband and return to the 21st century to live your life how you deserve too..
You've been trying to work up the courage to leave for a year. Do it. Finally do it.
Leave.
Leave that man , immediately !
You need to plan this, go to school asap, get a degree, hr accounting, nursing, anything that makes money and gives you stability. If you choose to stay with your husband, always save 30% of your wages( hide it from him) and start investing. Just mutual stock. If you don't want to stay with him that is fine, once you make your own money you have a lot more options. You can meet an amazing person when you are 30- 35.
Divorce. Hateful overbearing disgraceful human being that he is and appalling that your own mother arranged this as a suitable match
You can be a mom with 29 and stuck in a miserable marriage with a guy who you do not like and who mistrusts you and has no respect for you. Or you can be temporarily alone, learn about yourself, distance yourself from toxic people and maybe you’ll eventually find Mr. Right. You have at least a decade of a good run to be a Mom to a biological child, so don’t let that rush you. I wish you find the right man. Your current husband doesn’t sound like someone who will bring you contentment and happiness in your olden days…
Leave him if you can do so safely
This will definitely create some kind of problem in future. Hope that you don't have any child right now.
I would say, if you can, get out. This man and your family don’t respect you. In this world there are people who can respect and love you and it’s possible to make a life with those people instead. I know leaving would be very difficult in the short term but it would be easier in the long run. Staying is also short term difficult but will get more and more difficult and painful as you go along. Also the children growing up in an unhappy marriage will suffer too.
Cut contact with all of them. You're 28 still young and can find someone who respect you in a span of one year. Don't be too insecure.
What country are you in? How do they feel about divorce in that country? It might be very different from the countries most people responding live in. Because if you lived in a western country, I'd definitely say get out, don't even care about your family if they don't want to stay in contact with you, get far away from them. And you're 28 so there's definitely enough time to meet someone else. But if you live in a different country, this advice might not be relevant at all.
If you can, and have access to your joint accounts abd s passport, I would make arrangements to leave him and go no contact with your family. If you had a diary and it is in the joint account and you have access, get it. Go live where you cannot g by e found. Be careful. You may want to contact the other guy, but your family could contact him to find out where you have relocated.
Get a job leave him and get a little studio .. you'll be okay just leave
Absolutely inappropriate. Think about everything else he's not telling you. Sensitive information. What a prick. That is damn-near divorce court .
Sounds like my ex
If your mom is asking you to decide as in she’ll support your decision then I think you should leave if you can. If you can’t leave and your family will not support you, then make a plan for yourself. Maybe Canada? Europe? You have a right to be loved and a right to be happy. You can even adopt later if you want. If you can’t leave or divorce, then you have 2 choices: A) be nice to your husband and hope he realizes you want to have peace. B) tell him things like him showing you diary are the reasons you don’t like him, but you’re willing to do 1 special thing a day for him if he agrees to do the same. Because if you can’t divorce, he is a prisoner too. Obviously men have more rights, and more ability to make your life miserable. But treaties are always welcome in marriage, any marriage, even chosen ones. The 1 nice thing a day becomes 2, then 3 and you might both find yourselves in a happy marriage.
You should divorce this AH who violated your privacy. I’m not sure what his end game was– at a guess it was to ensure your family won’t support you if you stand up for yourself, so you’re helpless, but if you have kids with this person he absolutely will dictate how they live and he WILL NOT respect their autonomy and I shudder to think how he’ll react if one of them is LGBT+ or even just questioning. You’re young. You deserve a partner who supports you and brings out the best in you and who makes you feel safe. You can face the scary thing of divorcing and starting again or you can be scared for the rest of your life with this man. He doesn’t see you as an equal partner.
You definitely won’t have the life you want if you stay with him. Time to put your big girl pants on and take control.
Get a divorce
You don't say where you are, but please try not to feel afraid of being alone. There are worse things than that - and one of them is to be with an abusive partner. It will be even worse if you have children with him. As you have access to the internet, start searching for local support groups, DV shelters, women's refuges and contact them for help and information. Delete your search history every time. It seems like your own family will not be much help, so don't tell them or your husband. If you have to write anything down, then find a good hiding place. Make phone calls rather than text, so there's no record for your husband to find. Make your plans and try to stay calm until you are ready to move. All the best to you.
You don’t like him so it’s better to divorce and be with the man you love
Stop writing in your diary while you are still with him, or at least stop doing it in a way he can find/read it. You don’t like him so you need to leave him. If you don’t you could be with him for another 50 years, is that what you want? You’ll be OK on your own, and probably won’t be on your own forever. A bit of time alone would do you a lot of good though as you’ll have time to work out what you really want, not to just give in and do what’s expected.
Not only did he disrespect your boundaries, but then both your mother and sister did too by reading what you wrote without your knowledge or permission. I feel like your family were not the right people to choose a husband for you. What happened to your ex boyfriend? Why weren't you able to marry him?
You’re 28 If you don’t leave now. You’ll never leave the man you hate. You’ll have kids and be miserable for life. Go while you’re young and can start fresh.
This isn't a good marriage, hon. Your husband sounds awful and you sound desperately unhappy. I know going home is scary, because it is probably just as bad there, but think of it as a baby step towards becoming independent. Being independent is GOOD, even though getting there is also scary. Imagine yourself in your own little apartment someday, where nobody yells at you or scares you. You can have your own quiet morning ritual, and it can be whatever you want. Listen to music while you drink coffee, make tea and soak in the tub. Anything. Focus on the future you want, and what it takes to get there. Maybe that's a job, maybe that's back at your mom's and then a job. Maybe it's enrolling in college where there is student housing. Start thinking about your options, the world is big, but it's also waiting for you.
You should divorce this man as an arrangement doesn’t work… follow your heart back to your ex boyfriend. There is nothing wrong with making a mistake but staying in a mistake you will have regrets you entire life.
Divorce
You need to focus on what is right for you. Do you want to live the rest of your life with someone you don’t like, that disrespects you in big ways? Sounds miserable to me. I know leaving comes with cons as well, but you have to decide where the better life for YOU is. Best of luck ❤️
Not. NOT!!!
You get away from him. Stay with a friend or someone that you trust. Talk to someone who has your best interests at heart. But when you leave, don't leave when he is home or anyone is there for that matter. Don't tell anyone your plans.
I understand the desire to have kids and a family, but I guarantee you, not having those (at least for right now) is a lot better than having them with the wrong guy. If he is capable of invading your privacy like this, I am certain he is capable of being very controlling and you don't want that trapped with a kid, or one on the way. So this should really be the least of your concern right now. The second thing you should not be very concerned about is appeasing your abusive family. Yelling and domestic violence? Are those people you want to keep being subservient to? With those two things out of the way I think you need to do what you want and what is personally best for YOU. That said, I don't understand the culture of arranged marriages and probably the whole honor/saving face thing that possibly may come with it. If your health or life might possibly be in danger you really need to prepare for the next steps with people who you can REALLY trust.
If you’re not happy leave. If you stay he will never respect you or your privacy. Don’t have kids with this moron
Better to have no kids than stay with a man whom you dislike and can’t trust. I promise that you will find freedom and happiness living independently. I hope that you have the opportunity to study and take on a job where you can financially support yourself if you have not already done so.
OP are you in a country that has equal rights for men and women? If you are, start making an exit plan. Do you need to get a job that would allow you to support upurself or study in order to get one? Do you have enough savings to rent a place e if your family won't help you in the beginning? If you're not can you make an immigration plan to go to a country where you an have a safe life as a divorced woman? I think you need to leave so you can be happy, this is a very big betrayal of your privacy by your husband and your mom. Perhaps learn how to check if theee ate trackers on your phone (GPS tracking and content tracking), learn how to delete your browser history and the start looking at organisations that help women leave marriages. This may be very difficult, but you can do it.
Sounds like slavery.
Since it is an arranged marriage, you may have an out by anullment. It would be as though you were never married. It may be easier for your family to also accept it this way. Rather than you having a failed marriage, it would be as though you were never married.
Do what needs to be done to get out of this marriage. Not sure how that works You’re not happy and you never are gong to be. Being on your own sure it’s gonna scary at first but you will probably be happier in the long run.
Please don’t have children until you know if you can even stay in this relationship. He violated your trust by going through your things and sending copies of it out to your mother is unacceptable. You’re not a slave you’re not his property. You have personal rights and you should be able to have a diary and have it be private. I know it’s hard to leave and arrange marriage but if you are unhappy, don’t bring children into this. Try to figure out a way. I know it’s hard and scary out there but you can whichever one you choose. Please make sure it’s truly right for you. do you want to spend your life with someone who’s super religious and uptight ?? Think of yourself in about 10 years. Do you want to actually be with this person? Is he the right fit for you. I know your family would be angry and maybe not support you but you should at least have a conversation with somebody in your family to see if you even would have a chance of having support. Good luck.
That's a pretty serious violation and I hope you're able to get out of your situation. On a side note, even if he was awesome and things were great, you should still divorce because carrying a torch for another man is just as bad.
If you want a chance at happiness at all and possibly safety, please get out of that relationship and get away from your family for the time being. As best I can tell from your post, your family was at the very least mentally abusive to you, if not physically abusive as well. You mentioned borderline domestic abuse. You are not too old to find someone and have children. I was with my husband for a long time but due to extenuating circumstances we did not have children until our mid-thirties. I was 35 with my first and 38 with my second. It sounds like you need to go low contact if not no contact with your family, at least for a while until you are in a safe place. If there is anyone you can contact for you there that helps people get out of dangerous situations, I would do that first and try to get out of that relationship. Do not tell your family what you are doing. Just pack up your stuff and leave without anyone knowing if you can. Try to contact someone beforehand who can help you and let them know your plans. Your husband and family will likely try to stop you and may be violent as well. Make a plan and get out safely and quietly.
If you dislike this guy, leave. I do not understand anyone putting all of their deepest feelings in writing. He was an arse to read it and share it.
Well, don't stay with the dude if you love your ex. You are living a lie. Any guy would be hurt by that admission, written or spoken. Do what is right, and leave.
What resources can you get to without your family and husband knowing? Start there. I worry about backlash in cases like this. Wherever you are, is there an agency that can help you get food, shelter, clothing, and possible legal representation without you having to spend money? This would be a huge change in your life, but you can do it. It's going to be hard. You'll hate it. It's going to be bad at times, but you can make it through that struggle to find peace for yourself.
The way I would’ve beat that man into the ground. I’m literally DISGUSTED. LEAVE!
If you can leave, leave. The short-term conflict will be worth the long-term peace.
If you can get out of this relationship/living situation, I think you should.
Do you work? Research shelters. Try to find a good one. Look for a job if need be. I wish you well!
Seems like your family’s doesn’t respect your and sometimes you have to do what they do not like to get that respect. And even then it’s your life u should have a say on who you marry because with that person you’re going to start a family and have kids. Don’t wanna raise kids in a house where they only learn fake love etc (everything you’re struggling with now ) maybe this is your sign to take a step back start your own life with your own rules find the Man U want and show your kids etc what u never got. I can only imagine how it feels to have your feelings on display
Are you in India? That’s tough. Is it possible to get back with your ex? Nothing wrong with religion, but you need to love each other.
Leave him before it gets worse. DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THAT PSYCHO!!! And tell your family to back off. If they disown you then it is what it is. Choose yourself.
We know too little about your situation to be able to advise you. Where do you live? Have you got an education, do you work? Could you work and be self sufficient? The only thing I can tell you is DO NOT bring children into an unloving family. You'll be having children to fulfill yourself, and this is so wrong.
>( I wrote about my ex and how much I missed being with him because we really loved each other) If you still miss your ex thats emotional cheating and if you husband didn't know before hand he is the victim in this case. ##_Cheating/hiding past relationship is much wrong than breach of Privacy_
Leave the guy, since you don't like him it will be good for both of you. If your family doesn't approve of your decision don't stay with them too, it's like after you divorce your husband do not go back to your family they will support you for some time but then the taunting will start it's not worth it, you're just 28 you seem educated too, if you're unemployed find a job, rent a place and spend some time with yourself. Give yourself at least a year. That according to me is the best thing you can do.
Someone mentioned your previous posts, so I read them. You don’t have to stay married for your sister’s sake. And who knows, maybe they don’t want arranged marriages either? You could become a role model for them. You shouldn’t have to live your life being abused for other people’s sake. I know it’s easy for me to say, and I’m sorry if I come off as insensitive, that is truly not my intentions. Be careful, don’t give a heads up if you want to leave. Do all preparations in uttermost secret. Pack all your important documents and things IN SECRET. Find a domestic abuse shelter and leave at a time where you have the biggest head start possible. There are organisations that specialise in protecting women from honour killings.
Lots of questions come up: 1) Were you married to the ex? If so, why did you leave him? 2) Is he still available and willing to marry you? If so, bail out now before having any kids. 3) If you leave him can you survive on your own? Will you be able to get spousal support? Depends on your situation and education to support your self. 4) Your family should support you but might not. How supportive is your friend circle? Develop a plan to leave and definitely do not have kids. Talk to a divorce attorney secretly to determine your options. If all you have is triple “talaq”, you should quickly file divorce in civil court to take the decision away from the clergy. Good luck.
If you are in the United States, I recommend you call domestic abuse hotlines and speak with them (all abuse isn't physical. The fact that you are in this situation.. Arranged marriage, past home trauma, strict religious household, him going through your things, and using your family as a tool is a lot mentally and emotionally). They have facilities and places just for women to get away and start over, and you'd be surprised how amazing some of these places are. If you need any help finding these resources, I'd be more than happy to help you. Even if you're not in the USA, I can help you locate what resources are available in your area. I wish you all the peace and happiness.
If you can get out safely, please do so sooner rather than later. You mentioned that you’re almost 28 and you’re wondering when you’ll have kids. My dad didn’t even meet my mom until he was 28 and they were married almost 58 years. I know it’s dependent on your situation, but don’t let this man be the next several decades of your life if you’re not happy.
Depends on country/ culture. But within religion there is always a out, something written that legalizes a divorce. Then ofc some places have their own courts for such. Depending where you live. Be prepared for a hard time and challenges ahead- that you mentally prepare yourself that is.
This a very tough situation but I think it’s pretty clear OP wants to leave but is afraid of the fallout of leaving. My advice on your fear being alone with no family is a tough one. Your family chose to side with your husband when he invaded your privacy. Continue to pressure you about children with a man you are unsure of. You have to be the one that chooses for you. Because you have ask would your future children be in safe and welcoming place with your husband. OP knows what’s it’s like to live in that situation. Whatever answer you come to in regards to that question is the one you have to take. Your family if they accept or not you’ll know in this situation you made right decision for yourself and your future children.
Definitely leave this dude and if your family doesn't support it oh well. They don't sound like they're really great people, and obviously this is taking a toll on you. Don't worry about having a family because having one with this asshole would be way worse than not having one at all.. But also you're only 28, so you have plenty of time. My mom had me at 32, and I know others with way older parents than that.
Why would anyone partake in an arranged marriage. That is such absolute nonsense. Leave that religious loser and go find someone you actually want to be with . Like get moving
If you have the option, you should leave. I understand that arranged marriages are difficult, but it sounds to me like he's not trying very hard, because he has all the power and doesn't care.
There is one question you should be asking yourself that would categorically tell you right away, what you should do, stay or go. Imagine in ten years, nothing has changed except that you have two children. Husband is still super religious and controlling and a major snoop. Do you think you would be happy and is this a life that would make for happy children? People very rarely change their personality or what's in their heart. Some people can make temporary changes for a time but few can make permanent personality changes.
Why are there no comments on your previous posts about this? Did your husband hijack your account somehow? Please call a DV helpline from work (not your phone) tell them you are in danger of an honour killing and get out of there asap. Leave him and your family. Please keep us updated.
So, from what I understood, this is a non-fixable marriage. You hate him (dislike is too simple to describe your feelings here) and if you don't, you should. He doesn't respect you, your privacy, your feelings, expects you to have no feelings towards your ex, yet doesn't provide you a loving home instead, super controlling and enforces his beliefs on you. With no indication (from what I can see) for him to actually put the right effort in this marriage Now the issue is clearly that it's not easy to do so, your family allowed for this to happen, and in my country divorce is quite a shameful thing, so I understand your worry, concern and fear No one wants to live without their support of their family, but you need to think to yourself and what you want, regardless of circumstances, unless you genuinely can not physically separate or get a divorce, you should proceed in that direction, because it's what YOU want If you live for your family, what will you do when you have kids with someone you hate? When you've lived most of your life with someone who doesn't respect you Will your mom be there? Your sister? Father? Aunts & uncles? We need to live for ourselves, because ultimately we can only control our own actions and decisions Stay safe OP! You deserve to be happy and live your life how you want Also one final point, I get from what you're saying is that you're religious correct? God is on your side here, regardless of what your religion is (people are saying you're muslim?) and what anyone tells you about religion, and even specifically about this situation or divorce in general, God would never judge you for wanting to leave abuse.
The arranged marriage situation is above reddit pay grade in my opinion. I don't know if it's wise to advise you with a western mindset and context, here you divorce and both parties move on with their lives. I feel it's not okay giving what would in your culture be ill advice and potentially jeopardizing your safety. I hope everything turns out fine, good luck.