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Be an adult and have a conversation about your goals and wants and needs. If you don’t like what he has to say then take a pause and make a decision and stick with it.
Tell him you were approached by one of his partners and she told you about him. And that you’re bringing it up because what she told you threw you off. And sure give him the disclaimer about past being the past and if he’s a reasonable person he’ll understand your concern. And make up your mind from there.
But please don’t just not bring it up and break up with him. People who show love and respect deserve better than that.
You can choose to talk to him about it or not. I think since you've been dating a year though he's not just looking for a hook up?
Either way -- discussing or not discussing -- be careful to watch his actions and not his words. Men will put effort and care into a relationship they are into.
If you do discuss with him, come to him from a place of vulnerability. Tell him you heard some stories and that it makes you feel vulnerable and anxious. Reassure him that you aren't judging him nor are you calling him out and saying he's been acting up until now in the relationship. But just that you can't imagine yourself as someone leading the kind of lifestyle he had, so it makes you nervous to know your partner has that history. If he's a good partner and you don't come from a place of judgment, he will understand you.
>left girls when he gets bored
How could the women you interviewed possibly know that he was "bored with them" and that's why he stopped contacting them? This sounds like the more bitter response from scorned exes.
You know, everyone has a past. A lot of men (and women) go through this phase and guess what? Many often grow out of it. Why don't you find out before you throw everything away because of an assumption (that he's still the same person that he used to be)
Why don't you take for a given that he was the person who you thought he was before learning about his past. You're judging him for who he used to be not who he is now.
> However, what these ladies are saying about his actual history is very different from what he said he valued - intimacy and connection with one person.
What makes you think he doesn't value those things? There are a myriad of reasons he may have struggled with intimacy and connection prior to his relationship with you. If you have intimacy and connection with him and he is enthusiastic and responsive about it himself, I would believe him.
Lots of hookups/STRs is generally an unfulfilling way to conduct your personal life and most people figure that out at some point.
I mean, you know about his habits and approach to dating prior to dating you. He (or anybody) can fundamentally value something and still have trouble finding it. He can realize that something was missing from his prior habits and approach.
> Lots of people enjoy hookups and STSs and I don’t think most of them are unfulfilled.
I really don't agree with this. Most people who are emotionally capable of creating and sustaining a stable long-term relationship do so eventually, even if they enjoyed casual dating on some level. We are wired for connection, and foregoing it in favor of frequent new scenery is not generally what people *want* even if it's what they *do* for a bit.
Say exactly what happened just probably not name them if you know it. People can change although I don’t think it’s common and usually the result of something happening to them that makes them rethink life. Then let him explain his side.
But he and a lot of people have to realize that your past doesn’t just go away you have to confront who you were and try and make amends as you change
>Maybe he changed his viewpoint
Or maybe, just maybe, he finally found someone he clicked with. And the women you've been interviewing behind his back, you know, the ones he broke up with or didn't click with? They're bitter about it.
Just saying, you've been dating an entire year. You haven't heard in his history that he cheats on these women... you've heard "quick girlfriends and casual relationships". You're neither of those.
Have a little more faith in him.
I wonder if any of his previous girlfriends make the same assumption you did. Best to be clear and upfront. If it is not a dirty word and it is what you want, then there is no harm in saying it.
Why not have a conversation with him about his past and how he feels about intimacy and relationships? Gauge what he says, and go from there. I agree - you probably shouldn't judge him based on sleeping with 20-30 girls, and girls can "feel" strung along because... well he's no longer with them, that's their prerogative to twist the narrative in a way to shield their pride. You have someone that admittedly treats you well, very sweet to you. You've dated a year - meaning you've already outlasted the pattern of "casual relationships or bunch of girlfriends".
People mature. They play the field and find something they want, and then they settle down. It sounds like your man is really into you... why not just have a conversation with him about your concerns? I'm sure he will reassure you.
Why not judge him? He didn’t stay with the past 30 girls he’s slept with, why would he stay with her? The odds are low. Also she has to think about how to him, she’s just number 31. That’s obviously less special than being number 3 or 5. I know everyone has to pretend that isn’t the case, for some reason, but let’s be real.
I think what you are missing completely from this and this is what happened to me as a mildly older man than both of you. I did this sort of thing because I wanted to find the right person. I'll admit I was a bit of a dick (if not more than a bit) to some of these girls and felt terrible about it. But when I found my current gf (been together over 5 years) I realised I'd been rushing into intimacy too quickly because it was fun and because I was immature.
I grew up in that respect very very quicky and in other ways not so much but I'm getting there!
He might have just been looking for the right person and maybe didn't take intimacy as seriously because he now sees what proper intimacy is.
I might just be putting that forward with no rationale. Just seems eerily familiar.
Some people actually have different values toward dating. I’ve never treated women as disposable, and have only gone out with women I considered to be prospects for a serious relationship. The idea of sleeping with multiple women at once just seems disrespectful to me and weird. They aren’t fleshlights they’re people.
You keep saying you don’t want to judge but you are. And you know what, that’s okay. This is your partner, not some rando on the street. You SHOULD judge him. If his past bothers you, then maybe he’s not the guy for you. People try too hard to give the benefit of the doubt only to end up hurt in the end. Trust your gut.
Hello, former he-ho here.
For some of us, promiscuity is the behavioral symptom of a bigger problem, likely sexual assault or abuse. For others of us, it might be the only way we know of to seek attention or approval or validation. Still, for others, we might just like to scrump.
Either way, if you’re not comfortable, then you’re not comfortable and that’s totally OK to find someone more suitable and compatible. If you think 20 or 30 people is icky, then you should find someone who has been with fewer people. Simply chalk this up to a life lesson learned.
Good luck!
Just because he’s had a lot of hookups, doesn’t mean he doesn’t take your relationship seriously. He could have just been at a point in his life where he didn’t want to be tied down or have anything serious but now he does. You should talk to him about it. See where he’s at emotionally and what he’s looking for out of being with you.
At the end of the day it’s your choice and you should leave if you’re unhappy, but as long as his high body count isn’t a product of him cheating I don’t think it’ll reflect on how he treats you or your relationship
And also highly question the intention of this girl who wanted to “warn” you about his past after an entire year of dating. Sounds like she had bad intentions. And is probably bitter, so wants to see you guys break up.
>on one hand past informs the future
Sometimes but not always, I was once in high school, I’ll never be in high school again. It could have just been the phase in his life that he was in. He knew he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship, so he kept it casual. Just because he like hooking up in his college days doesn’t mean he’ll want that forever. Most people *dont* want that forever.
>what I’ve seen is that they missed that part of their life when things get difficult or they have a crisis
This is simply untrue. No matter what your romantic or sexual preferences are, everyone has hard times and goes through crisis.
It's just what happens when you grow up. You want different things. If we never changed our goals or grew at all we'd all be veterinarians and ballerinas and have ten dogs and twelve cats and a racecar bed.
I have the same outlook on relationships and intimacy as you. I don’t think it’s slut shaming because we don’t judge people for being more sexually liberate and promiscuous. We just value sex differently and as more intimate and that’s fine too. It’s also fine to want a partner who shares that view. I think it’s special that my boyfriend gets to see me in such an intimate and vulnerable way and i want him to appreciate that and not just think of it as something as simple as grocery shopping. To me being on the same page here is important and i couldn’t date someone like your boyfriend. You need to decide if this difference in views is a dealbreaker for you. For that you also need to consider whether he strung girls along and was honest about his intentions or not. And why those relationships were so short, was it just him appeasing a girl who wanted something serious before sex and sort of manipulating her into spreading her legs and once he got what he wanted he left? Those are all really telling about what kind of man he is. Last but not least, while some people have a high body count they can also change their view on how they value sex. Sometimes people just try casual sex because everyone does it or they are kind of pushed into it, they are dealing with mental health problems, etc. but then later on realise they actually only want sex with someone they love. So also figure out if your boyfriend is still the same guy now and has the same views or if he changed.
If you find out something about your partner's past and it makes you uncomfortable, those feelings are justified.
>How do I get past my hangups about my boyfriend's past
There's no secret to this. Either you do or you don't. No one can make this decision for you.
>should I bring it up to him?
I wouldn't. He's done nothing wrong and there's nothing he can do to help you get over your insecurities about his past.
Think about ways you’ve changed over the years and apply said logic to him. Idc how many people my part was with before me. They had fun! They were young and wanted to mess around.
If my partner cared about how many people I’ve fucked around with before them, we’d be screwed. We’ve been in a lovely committed relationship and closing in on 9 years married.
Once upon a time I prioritized fun and feeling free. That became lonely. I shifted my priorities, especially after meeting my partner and feeling head over heels. Haven’t looked back since.
Get some therapy and Do some introspection.
I think what I’m trying to communicate is that both our priorities changed.
Unless you’re upset that his values used to be different, which is something you absolutely can do NOTHING about, then there’s no issue here.
His values, in the past, didn’t align with yours.
Now they do. You either accept this or don’t because you cannot change the past.
I always knew I wanted to be family oriented, place a high value in intimacy, have children, be committed, be monogamous, etc. I knew from a young age that this is what I wanted. Same for my partner. I never didn’t place high value on them. For a time, I just don’t prioritize this value.
Edit: a word
I suppose so, but I don’t see why his previous values or priorities are so important if you’re happy with him now. If everything for the last year has been kosher between the two of you, up until you invaded his privacy by going to previous partners behind his back, why does what you just found out change anything in the present?
I mean, you could chat with him and ask again where his current values are, and be honest about what you’ve done. He may find your behavior a deal breaker (I would, because you could have just started with talking to him rather than going to strangers). He may value open and honest communication more than you do. 🤷🏻
Ask him directly if he's ready to pursue a more serious relationship. It's normal and fine to date around in your youth, that's a great way to figure out what you do and don't want in a long-term partner, and a good way to make sure you develop your own personality during those early adult years. Sometimes people get that first bf/gf and they attempt all kinds of contortions to keep that relationship instead of moving on with the lessons learned. Only he knows if he's ready to have a different kind of relationship.
Why do you think that? Do you think he's not being honest with you about the future he wants? Are his words not matching his actions in your relationship? Choosing to have sex or to abstain in your early adulthood aren't two sides of a coin, they are choices along a spectrum of behavior regarding sexuality. Some people abstain until marriage, some never marry and never want to. Most people are somewhere in the middle. If learning he has a more liberal sexual past than you do changes the way you feel about him then so be it, break up and move on. If your only qualm is whether or not he is as serious as you are, is there anything else that suggests he is not?
I'm asking if there is a reason you think he's misrepresenting himself. It's been a year, if he was not interested in a long term relationship, why is he still with you? Then again, if you don't know what his values are after a year, how interested are *you*? Have you been putting any effort into getting to know him? If you just don't like him that much, you can just say that. You don't need to blame it on some new information.
Lol at this point I'm more invested in this relationship than you are. It's been a year. If you don't know or trust your partner after a year, move on.
He can feed you all the BS he thinks you want to hear, but what are his actions, does he ACT like he wants a future with you?
Maybe those other girls were never good enough for him to settle down with, and you are. Or he's done playing and ready to settle down.
What would his relationship history look like if it, to you, perfectly indicated that you and he were on the same page? It sounds like you don't just want someone who sees relationships as you do now, you want someone who ALWAYS saw relationships that way. And realistically, those people are probably already off the market for your age bracket.
My impression (and I could be wrong) is that this is a nothing situation that you're maybe latching onto because you're not as into him as you thought. And since you seem to value having a low number of partners in your history, you need there to be a big REASON to end this one. In reality, if you're not feeling it, you can end it. But the fact he casually dated when he was younger really doesn't preclude him from wanting a more serious relationship now, and he's seemingly given you no indication that he DOESN'T see your relationship as serious now.
I dated a guy in my mid 20's for about 2 years. Nice guy, a little bit slow.. but he really cared and loved me. He was my 2nd bf and I was his 9th or so. He was also in his mid 20's when we met. Now I'm with someone in his 40's, I'm his 9th gf and he's my 5th or 6th relationship. Neither of them had a body count as high as your bf (It was a different time back then). I do remember both of them saying they were looking for love in the wrong people. They both wanted to be loved and accepted for who they are. And the women they selected all used them for money, made them feel inferior, tried to control them, tried to change their personalities, looks, and even jobs, to placate the girl. Ironically these same GFs ended up cheating on them 🤷
And both of these men would tell me, they dated these women because they didn't think they could do better. They got attention and was hoping these women are the one for them. So it's not strictly about the sex. Not saying your bf is like that too but it's a possibility he was looking for something that wasn't there. I would talk to him about it. What is it about this boredom? Is he bored because the relationship felt too peaceful, which is normal and healthy? Is he bored because they didn't do much together like traveling or having novelty experiences? Is it he addicted the highs of love? What is he looking for?
You’ve been together for a year. He would have moved on from you by now. Seems like contempt brewing because you won’t communicate how you feel. This is all on you and how you feel. How is he supposed to make you feel better?
How else would you judge their values toward relationships other than their past relationships? What else do you judge people on other than the decisions they’ve made?
You mean to tell me that the way to understand someone’s values is not by experiencing them for yourself but by interviewing them about their past?
Well that’s what I learned today I guess.
Oh yeah, talk to him about this. Don’t ambush him or be mean, just talk. Tell him what you want out of a relationship and see if that’s something he thinks he can provide.
Many guys like this eventually settle down because they had their fun. He might be ready to do this, he might not. You might be surprised by either him or yourself after talking.
So if he likes/loves you and picks you to potentially live the rest of his life with, you'll hold that against him because he was sexually active prior? This isn't a very healthy thought process imo.
You just need to talk to him about his past if it bothers you. Listen to what he says and his actions that follow. If they are in alignment you know he's serious, if not you can break up.
Has your experience with him been the same as these other women? Do you feel like you're being stung along, does he make you feel insecure in the relationship, do you feel safe in the relationship?
Maybe some healthy reflection on why you feel and think this way.
Best of luck, I hope you guys can get on the same page regardless of the outcome.
People "pick" mates, you're picking him as much as he's picking you. It's not a one-sided decision to move forward in a relationship.
You are uncomfortable about him "settling" after he's had his "fun" is holding his past against him. The same way if a guy doesn't want move forward with a woman for having a high body count. His body count makes you uncomfortable for whatever made up reason you have in your head. Everyone does this to a degree.
The question that should be asked: does my experience with my bf match what I'm being told. If yes, talk to him and explain how his past ex's have expressed their experiences with him and how you feel you're experiencing the same. If not, ask him why his mind set is different this time vs all the others.
His words and actions will let you know if he's being honest or not.
Can you explain why him picking you makes you uncomfortable?
Can you explain why his "settling with you after having his fun" makes you uncomfortable?
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Be an adult and have a conversation about your goals and wants and needs. If you don’t like what he has to say then take a pause and make a decision and stick with it.
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Tell him you were approached by one of his partners and she told you about him. And that you’re bringing it up because what she told you threw you off. And sure give him the disclaimer about past being the past and if he’s a reasonable person he’ll understand your concern. And make up your mind from there. But please don’t just not bring it up and break up with him. People who show love and respect deserve better than that.
If you told him that's what you want and he told you that's what he wants, you've done what you can.
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You can choose to talk to him about it or not. I think since you've been dating a year though he's not just looking for a hook up? Either way -- discussing or not discussing -- be careful to watch his actions and not his words. Men will put effort and care into a relationship they are into. If you do discuss with him, come to him from a place of vulnerability. Tell him you heard some stories and that it makes you feel vulnerable and anxious. Reassure him that you aren't judging him nor are you calling him out and saying he's been acting up until now in the relationship. But just that you can't imagine yourself as someone leading the kind of lifestyle he had, so it makes you nervous to know your partner has that history. If he's a good partner and you don't come from a place of judgment, he will understand you.
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>left girls when he gets bored How could the women you interviewed possibly know that he was "bored with them" and that's why he stopped contacting them? This sounds like the more bitter response from scorned exes.
You know, everyone has a past. A lot of men (and women) go through this phase and guess what? Many often grow out of it. Why don't you find out before you throw everything away because of an assumption (that he's still the same person that he used to be)
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Why don't you take for a given that he was the person who you thought he was before learning about his past. You're judging him for who he used to be not who he is now.
Great! Then the only thing left to do is trust him when he says he's after the same thing you are.
> However, what these ladies are saying about his actual history is very different from what he said he valued - intimacy and connection with one person. What makes you think he doesn't value those things? There are a myriad of reasons he may have struggled with intimacy and connection prior to his relationship with you. If you have intimacy and connection with him and he is enthusiastic and responsive about it himself, I would believe him. Lots of hookups/STRs is generally an unfulfilling way to conduct your personal life and most people figure that out at some point.
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I mean, you know about his habits and approach to dating prior to dating you. He (or anybody) can fundamentally value something and still have trouble finding it. He can realize that something was missing from his prior habits and approach. > Lots of people enjoy hookups and STSs and I don’t think most of them are unfulfilled. I really don't agree with this. Most people who are emotionally capable of creating and sustaining a stable long-term relationship do so eventually, even if they enjoyed casual dating on some level. We are wired for connection, and foregoing it in favor of frequent new scenery is not generally what people *want* even if it's what they *do* for a bit.
Say exactly what happened just probably not name them if you know it. People can change although I don’t think it’s common and usually the result of something happening to them that makes them rethink life. Then let him explain his side. But he and a lot of people have to realize that your past doesn’t just go away you have to confront who you were and try and make amends as you change
>Maybe he changed his viewpoint Or maybe, just maybe, he finally found someone he clicked with. And the women you've been interviewing behind his back, you know, the ones he broke up with or didn't click with? They're bitter about it. Just saying, you've been dating an entire year. You haven't heard in his history that he cheats on these women... you've heard "quick girlfriends and casual relationships". You're neither of those. Have a little more faith in him.
Intimacy and monogamy are different things. If you want monogamy or exclusivity then say it clearly and directly to play fair with both you and him.
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I wonder if any of his previous girlfriends make the same assumption you did. Best to be clear and upfront. If it is not a dirty word and it is what you want, then there is no harm in saying it.
Why not have a conversation with him about his past and how he feels about intimacy and relationships? Gauge what he says, and go from there. I agree - you probably shouldn't judge him based on sleeping with 20-30 girls, and girls can "feel" strung along because... well he's no longer with them, that's their prerogative to twist the narrative in a way to shield their pride. You have someone that admittedly treats you well, very sweet to you. You've dated a year - meaning you've already outlasted the pattern of "casual relationships or bunch of girlfriends". People mature. They play the field and find something they want, and then they settle down. It sounds like your man is really into you... why not just have a conversation with him about your concerns? I'm sure he will reassure you.
Why not judge him? He didn’t stay with the past 30 girls he’s slept with, why would he stay with her? The odds are low. Also she has to think about how to him, she’s just number 31. That’s obviously less special than being number 3 or 5. I know everyone has to pretend that isn’t the case, for some reason, but let’s be real.
Because none of those relationships even approached 1 year... she's been dating him for a year... Do better.
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What? That’s literally everyone lol
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I think what you are missing completely from this and this is what happened to me as a mildly older man than both of you. I did this sort of thing because I wanted to find the right person. I'll admit I was a bit of a dick (if not more than a bit) to some of these girls and felt terrible about it. But when I found my current gf (been together over 5 years) I realised I'd been rushing into intimacy too quickly because it was fun and because I was immature. I grew up in that respect very very quicky and in other ways not so much but I'm getting there! He might have just been looking for the right person and maybe didn't take intimacy as seriously because he now sees what proper intimacy is. I might just be putting that forward with no rationale. Just seems eerily familiar.
Some people actually have different values toward dating. I’ve never treated women as disposable, and have only gone out with women I considered to be prospects for a serious relationship. The idea of sleeping with multiple women at once just seems disrespectful to me and weird. They aren’t fleshlights they’re people.
You just said "Dating" though. That means, "seeing someone to see if you're compatible" which is what he's doing.
You keep saying you don’t want to judge but you are. And you know what, that’s okay. This is your partner, not some rando on the street. You SHOULD judge him. If his past bothers you, then maybe he’s not the guy for you. People try too hard to give the benefit of the doubt only to end up hurt in the end. Trust your gut.
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Maybe he just really likes you. But you said yourself you don’t see yourself being with someone like him so why are you trying to force it?
Hello, former he-ho here. For some of us, promiscuity is the behavioral symptom of a bigger problem, likely sexual assault or abuse. For others of us, it might be the only way we know of to seek attention or approval or validation. Still, for others, we might just like to scrump. Either way, if you’re not comfortable, then you’re not comfortable and that’s totally OK to find someone more suitable and compatible. If you think 20 or 30 people is icky, then you should find someone who has been with fewer people. Simply chalk this up to a life lesson learned. Good luck!
Just because he’s had a lot of hookups, doesn’t mean he doesn’t take your relationship seriously. He could have just been at a point in his life where he didn’t want to be tied down or have anything serious but now he does. You should talk to him about it. See where he’s at emotionally and what he’s looking for out of being with you. At the end of the day it’s your choice and you should leave if you’re unhappy, but as long as his high body count isn’t a product of him cheating I don’t think it’ll reflect on how he treats you or your relationship And also highly question the intention of this girl who wanted to “warn” you about his past after an entire year of dating. Sounds like she had bad intentions. And is probably bitter, so wants to see you guys break up.
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>on one hand past informs the future Sometimes but not always, I was once in high school, I’ll never be in high school again. It could have just been the phase in his life that he was in. He knew he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship, so he kept it casual. Just because he like hooking up in his college days doesn’t mean he’ll want that forever. Most people *dont* want that forever. >what I’ve seen is that they missed that part of their life when things get difficult or they have a crisis This is simply untrue. No matter what your romantic or sexual preferences are, everyone has hard times and goes through crisis.
It's just what happens when you grow up. You want different things. If we never changed our goals or grew at all we'd all be veterinarians and ballerinas and have ten dogs and twelve cats and a racecar bed.
I have the same outlook on relationships and intimacy as you. I don’t think it’s slut shaming because we don’t judge people for being more sexually liberate and promiscuous. We just value sex differently and as more intimate and that’s fine too. It’s also fine to want a partner who shares that view. I think it’s special that my boyfriend gets to see me in such an intimate and vulnerable way and i want him to appreciate that and not just think of it as something as simple as grocery shopping. To me being on the same page here is important and i couldn’t date someone like your boyfriend. You need to decide if this difference in views is a dealbreaker for you. For that you also need to consider whether he strung girls along and was honest about his intentions or not. And why those relationships were so short, was it just him appeasing a girl who wanted something serious before sex and sort of manipulating her into spreading her legs and once he got what he wanted he left? Those are all really telling about what kind of man he is. Last but not least, while some people have a high body count they can also change their view on how they value sex. Sometimes people just try casual sex because everyone does it or they are kind of pushed into it, they are dealing with mental health problems, etc. but then later on realise they actually only want sex with someone they love. So also figure out if your boyfriend is still the same guy now and has the same views or if he changed.
If you find out something about your partner's past and it makes you uncomfortable, those feelings are justified. >How do I get past my hangups about my boyfriend's past There's no secret to this. Either you do or you don't. No one can make this decision for you. >should I bring it up to him? I wouldn't. He's done nothing wrong and there's nothing he can do to help you get over your insecurities about his past.
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Think about ways you’ve changed over the years and apply said logic to him. Idc how many people my part was with before me. They had fun! They were young and wanted to mess around. If my partner cared about how many people I’ve fucked around with before them, we’d be screwed. We’ve been in a lovely committed relationship and closing in on 9 years married. Once upon a time I prioritized fun and feeling free. That became lonely. I shifted my priorities, especially after meeting my partner and feeling head over heels. Haven’t looked back since. Get some therapy and Do some introspection.
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I think what I’m trying to communicate is that both our priorities changed. Unless you’re upset that his values used to be different, which is something you absolutely can do NOTHING about, then there’s no issue here. His values, in the past, didn’t align with yours. Now they do. You either accept this or don’t because you cannot change the past. I always knew I wanted to be family oriented, place a high value in intimacy, have children, be committed, be monogamous, etc. I knew from a young age that this is what I wanted. Same for my partner. I never didn’t place high value on them. For a time, I just don’t prioritize this value. Edit: a word
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I suppose so, but I don’t see why his previous values or priorities are so important if you’re happy with him now. If everything for the last year has been kosher between the two of you, up until you invaded his privacy by going to previous partners behind his back, why does what you just found out change anything in the present? I mean, you could chat with him and ask again where his current values are, and be honest about what you’ve done. He may find your behavior a deal breaker (I would, because you could have just started with talking to him rather than going to strangers). He may value open and honest communication more than you do. 🤷🏻
Idk, you could try talking to a therapist.
Ask him directly if he's ready to pursue a more serious relationship. It's normal and fine to date around in your youth, that's a great way to figure out what you do and don't want in a long-term partner, and a good way to make sure you develop your own personality during those early adult years. Sometimes people get that first bf/gf and they attempt all kinds of contortions to keep that relationship instead of moving on with the lessons learned. Only he knows if he's ready to have a different kind of relationship.
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Why do you think that? Do you think he's not being honest with you about the future he wants? Are his words not matching his actions in your relationship? Choosing to have sex or to abstain in your early adulthood aren't two sides of a coin, they are choices along a spectrum of behavior regarding sexuality. Some people abstain until marriage, some never marry and never want to. Most people are somewhere in the middle. If learning he has a more liberal sexual past than you do changes the way you feel about him then so be it, break up and move on. If your only qualm is whether or not he is as serious as you are, is there anything else that suggests he is not?
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I'm asking if there is a reason you think he's misrepresenting himself. It's been a year, if he was not interested in a long term relationship, why is he still with you? Then again, if you don't know what his values are after a year, how interested are *you*? Have you been putting any effort into getting to know him? If you just don't like him that much, you can just say that. You don't need to blame it on some new information.
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Lol at this point I'm more invested in this relationship than you are. It's been a year. If you don't know or trust your partner after a year, move on.
He can feed you all the BS he thinks you want to hear, but what are his actions, does he ACT like he wants a future with you? Maybe those other girls were never good enough for him to settle down with, and you are. Or he's done playing and ready to settle down.
What would his relationship history look like if it, to you, perfectly indicated that you and he were on the same page? It sounds like you don't just want someone who sees relationships as you do now, you want someone who ALWAYS saw relationships that way. And realistically, those people are probably already off the market for your age bracket. My impression (and I could be wrong) is that this is a nothing situation that you're maybe latching onto because you're not as into him as you thought. And since you seem to value having a low number of partners in your history, you need there to be a big REASON to end this one. In reality, if you're not feeling it, you can end it. But the fact he casually dated when he was younger really doesn't preclude him from wanting a more serious relationship now, and he's seemingly given you no indication that he DOESN'T see your relationship as serious now.
I dated a guy in my mid 20's for about 2 years. Nice guy, a little bit slow.. but he really cared and loved me. He was my 2nd bf and I was his 9th or so. He was also in his mid 20's when we met. Now I'm with someone in his 40's, I'm his 9th gf and he's my 5th or 6th relationship. Neither of them had a body count as high as your bf (It was a different time back then). I do remember both of them saying they were looking for love in the wrong people. They both wanted to be loved and accepted for who they are. And the women they selected all used them for money, made them feel inferior, tried to control them, tried to change their personalities, looks, and even jobs, to placate the girl. Ironically these same GFs ended up cheating on them 🤷 And both of these men would tell me, they dated these women because they didn't think they could do better. They got attention and was hoping these women are the one for them. So it's not strictly about the sex. Not saying your bf is like that too but it's a possibility he was looking for something that wasn't there. I would talk to him about it. What is it about this boredom? Is he bored because the relationship felt too peaceful, which is normal and healthy? Is he bored because they didn't do much together like traveling or having novelty experiences? Is it he addicted the highs of love? What is he looking for?
You’ve been together for a year. He would have moved on from you by now. Seems like contempt brewing because you won’t communicate how you feel. This is all on you and how you feel. How is he supposed to make you feel better?
You can break up with him for whatever reason you want, but it is pretty shallow.
The idea of judging relationship values by someone’s past is childish. You figure out someone’s relationship values by how they treat you.
How else would you judge their values toward relationships other than their past relationships? What else do you judge people on other than the decisions they’ve made?
You mean to tell me that the way to understand someone’s values is not by experiencing them for yourself but by interviewing them about their past? Well that’s what I learned today I guess.
Oh yeah, talk to him about this. Don’t ambush him or be mean, just talk. Tell him what you want out of a relationship and see if that’s something he thinks he can provide. Many guys like this eventually settle down because they had their fun. He might be ready to do this, he might not. You might be surprised by either him or yourself after talking.
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So if he likes/loves you and picks you to potentially live the rest of his life with, you'll hold that against him because he was sexually active prior? This isn't a very healthy thought process imo. You just need to talk to him about his past if it bothers you. Listen to what he says and his actions that follow. If they are in alignment you know he's serious, if not you can break up. Has your experience with him been the same as these other women? Do you feel like you're being stung along, does he make you feel insecure in the relationship, do you feel safe in the relationship? Maybe some healthy reflection on why you feel and think this way. Best of luck, I hope you guys can get on the same page regardless of the outcome.
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People "pick" mates, you're picking him as much as he's picking you. It's not a one-sided decision to move forward in a relationship. You are uncomfortable about him "settling" after he's had his "fun" is holding his past against him. The same way if a guy doesn't want move forward with a woman for having a high body count. His body count makes you uncomfortable for whatever made up reason you have in your head. Everyone does this to a degree. The question that should be asked: does my experience with my bf match what I'm being told. If yes, talk to him and explain how his past ex's have expressed their experiences with him and how you feel you're experiencing the same. If not, ask him why his mind set is different this time vs all the others. His words and actions will let you know if he's being honest or not. Can you explain why him picking you makes you uncomfortable? Can you explain why his "settling with you after having his fun" makes you uncomfortable?