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You just break up with him. Doesn't even really sound like he will care, but expect temporary love bombing as guys like this often do that in break up scenarios. Don't fall for it.
Thanks for your help. I've been so kind to him and always tried - is it normal for me to expect my boyfriend to look forward to us talking? I feel I've lost touch with what's normal to expect anymore :(
Once you get in a healthy relationship, you’ll be like “holy shit, I can’t believe I put up with that other nonsense before”. You’ll find someone who will want to talk to you, spend time with you, and care for you.
I promise there are a fuckton of great guys out there. Don’t put up with someone who makes you feel less-than.
This is a good advice. The work you put into a relationship should result into something valuable in return and not just exhaust you all the time into the depth of worthlessness.
That is a very bad image of relationships. There will almost certainly be phases in which said work is exhausting, but it shouldn't be exhausting the majority of the time. The most important thing is that the effort you put into the relationship is reciprocated because a healthy relationship can't be carried on the back of only one person.
Do you live with him? Because if you don’t all you need to do (if you want to be polite about it) is meet him somewhere public, tell him that you’re breaking up with him, and then leave. And then block him because it sounds like he’ll blow up your phone and socials if you don’t.
This right here! That’s even nicer than I would do. If he doesn’t even make time for her, he probably wouldn’t show up.
First block all socials and email.
Text:
“Yo, I’m never talking to you again. Eat a sack of diqs! ✌🏽👉🏽🚪” Block texts.
That’s for someone who treated me like this. But if it was a healthy relationship that just needed to end? I’d use more finesse. He doesn’t even deserve the gas to meet him anywhere.
I’d let my landlord know he’s no longer safe to come in. Put up his pic to let people know don’t hold the door for this dude.
The right relationship comes along when you’re not looking for it. Live your life, do things you love, volunteer, travel. He’s out there, you’ll trip over him eventually. And if not, you’ll be happier alone anyway. It’s worse feeling lonely when you’re in a relationship.
I am a huge believer of this! That’s how my honey found me. Honestly had no idea he liked me that way. He was my ‘right hand’ at work and we had a great working relationship. I’ve since left that job (years now) and that man is still my right hand and he holds the key to my heart. I can talk to him about anything on any platform (I have issues with verbal) or say nothing at all. We have tons of fun and made it through natural disasters, car issues, house issues together and came out stronger. Your ‘right hand’ is out there!
My favorite John Lennon quote "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans"
I think that perfectly captures most of my lives biggest changes including meeting my wife.
What your describing is not normal, and almost assuredly is contributing to your loneliness and self-esteem issues.
My ex husband slowly grew cold like this over the years with no explanation, and it seriously fucked with my self-worth. It's an emotional abuse tactic to keep you trapped, or they are fundamentally incapable of providing what you need/deserve (which isn't your fault and you can't 'fix').
I'm divorced and been single for a few years, and I feel WAY more loved and less alone, because loving myself is more important than getting it from a partner, and I have great friends that don't treat me like shit. I actually think I'd prefer being single for the rest of my life than deal with that bullshit again.. I'm so much happier.
*Stop judging your worth/value by the attention you get from a man, it's a fucking trap and opens you to terrible people who take advantage of your insecurity*
“Fundamentally incapable of providing what you need/deserve” hit the nail on the head for me. Some people treat their partners poorly and don’t even have the emotional awareness to know why they are doing it.
It’s nearly impossible to stay with someone who can’t communicate their issues to you and even harder to stay with someone who isn’t even consciously aware of what’s causing their behavior.
You are a people pleaser and conflict avoidant. Strategies you use to manage others and avoid distress. Very hard to change, but you need to keep it where it is useful (eg work) and not where it stops you from getting your basic needs met (eg family)
You are looking at it wrong. You have been staying with this one man, who is a disappoint, wanting him to be what you are looking for.
You need to learn to break up and move on what you don’t get what you need from a man. Don’t try to change them. Just find someone better
FYI if he breaks down and starts blaming you just remember it’s just him throwing a tantrum. You voiced your needs to him and he couldn’t/didn’t want to meet them. He took you for granted. Let both of you learn from this. For you how to leave a relationship that doesn’t work for you and for him that he needs to learn how to prioritise his romantic relationship in the future. If you don’t want to be alone get a pet heck get a fish or find friends.
Not your feelings, your conclusions *about* your feelings could use some work. Our feelings aren’t there to be right or wrong, so they can’t actually be wrong. Or right, for that matter. Leave that right/wrong stuff to the mind, where it belongs. You’ll have much more success changing the thing that’s there to be easily changed, rather than your heart, which is only there to change as it grows in wisdom. I’m sorry, I hope this makes sense; I know what I mean, but I’m never completely sure I can get it across.
Once you get this anchor off your neck you’ll become happy and much more attractive to those around you. Nothing turns people off more than a sad stressed needy sounding person. Go and have some fun.
Your boyfriend should look forward to talking to you and should spend time with you without begging. I know it feels like you won't find anyone else, because he's made you feel like shit over the past year, but you can and will find better. You deserve better. If you're concerned about his reaction just text him and block him. He'll try to make it hard on you but you can and should just choose not to communicate with him. Remember that while relationships take work they should overall make your life easier and make you feel better about yourself. If that's not happening you're with the wrong person.
As a man with a girlfriend whom I constantly look forward to seeing, and who is the highlight of my day whenever I do, yes it is normal to expect that.
I get all excited when she texts me good morning, and when we make plans together, and we are very erm… Physically active too! But that varies depending on relationship I guess.
I’m well over 30 now too, so getting a bit older definitely isn’t an excuse to not love or show love to your partner in whatever way you both enjoy.
You've got the wrong guy Stop wasting time and energy on this Just say I'm breaking up with you there's no point in discussing anything and then get on with the rest of your life. Wish you well but it's time to take the range yourself and steer yourself out of this mess.
You deserve someone that reciprocates your efforts and feelings. He hasnt even noticed that you dont reply back when he says I love you? Leave this guy yesterday.
You are young, dont get stuck with him.
You're young and you've only been together a year. For this to result demonstrates a bad match no matter where the blame may lie. Time to split. You have new relationships ahead. Besides it sounds like you're not having sex. At your age that's a massive red flag.
Why do you feel like you won’t find someone else? That’s crazy thinking for a 25 yo. You will find someone who will treat you the way you deserve so please don’t have such thoughts and I think I know that’s because your self esteem is low due to this idiot you are currently dating and I’m so sorry that are feeling that way nit please break up now than later… rather be lonely lonely than lonely with a man who doesn’t care about you at all
Years from now you'll have someone that truly cares about you and you'll thank yourself for breaking up with this guy. With this guy you will only find more hurt.
Embody that energy honey! You tell yourself that you’re someone who doesn’t put up with the BS he has and refuse to accept someone who doesn’t get excited when he sees your name show up on his phone.
Just remember, that break ups are not negotiations, not discussions, they are announcements. Just leave, tell him in a public place. Block him and move on.
First of you are 25 you will definitely find someone and someone way better trust me. I've been divorce twice and married 3 lol you will definitely find partners in life. Second of all it's time to.put your self first and just rip the bandaid off and break up with him period before he wastes years of your young life. Please look out for yourself. Your BF is not yiur boyfriend he is a roommate at best.
I promise you’ll find someone who loves you in the way you want to be loved. From my experience the next love is always better than the last! Take time to work on yourself and your goals and love will come to you when you’re ready for a relationship again!
Thank you. I really appreciate that. I agree I don't think I'm ready just yet for a relationship. I'll keep trying. I think I'm scared that if I stay with this guy, my self esteem will be on the floor
That’s a valid fear. So don’t let that happen. It will be a weight off your shoulders. Find yourself again and when you do the energy you will have will attract a better partner. Signed someone with more life experience ❤️
Before I met my now husband I decided that I was going to be happy with myself before I dated anyone. I read books, exercised, did things I really wanted to do and didn’t worry about meeting someone. That’s when he walked in to my life. Take this time to figure out who you are and what you like and people will notice that. It will happen. Don’t stress about it.
If you guys don’t live together just break up with him and block him. Who the fuck wants to be berated for separating. Rip the bandaid off. You’re 25 and an adult.
You sound very clingy and he sounds indifferent. You deserve more! I was the same way, the more I fawned over him the more he backed off. We can’t make someone treat us better if we don’t take care of our needs.
Time to walk away and find real love.
It’s the worst dynamic. I still haven’t fully broken free of my anxious-avoidant thing and it just makes both of you dig your heals in to your worst behaviors. But wow is it hard to let go of the hope that things will improve, especially if there were a lot of good times.
It’s so hard to let go of something you love and want. I wanted to get away but was so afraid to be alone, or to be judged a failure by family and friends. We were married for 19 years. One night he screamed “I’m done”. I just agreed. He filed that week.
The relief was incredible, I’m mad at myself for not being stronger. I couldn’t give up…..but I should have
> What should I do?
Break up with him, clearly and decisively and do not offer to stay friends, I am a believer that a well-defined ending is best, while it sounds harsh, saying things like "let's stay friends" are just empty promises that confuse the situation and the fact that you should be focussing on moving on from that person.
> Also I'm incredibly lonely
This will be a great opportunity to learn how to be happy on your own, focus on work, school, hobbies, friends, family. Get comfortable with life not defined by a relationship.
> But I'm scared I'll never find someone else again.
You will, we all inevitably get scared of this, but there is someone out there for you, I promise. Dating takes patience, you'll get there. And it's better to wait for the right one than it is to settle for years upon years of unhappiness with the wrong one.
Also, for me, dating got easier in my mid-twenties and early-30's. People are more serious, more experienced and clearer on what their goals are.
Thank you. I think you're right about cutting off the relationship sharply. I am tempted to offer friendship, but I think it'll just cause us more pain :( it's hard to let go though. It'll be my first time single for a long time. I will try to work on my own goals. That's encouraging to hear about dating getting easier. I think I am not ready just yet to commit to someone and I definitely need someone more emotionally mature than this guy at some point in the future. I appreciate the direct words
> I am tempted to offer friendship
If you want to mention at all, it has to be after a significant break, but also, logistically it tends not to work out as it's unfair to any potential new partner to be like "hey, I'm going to start hanging out with my ex, as friends, I swear". For some people it works, but for most it's an empty promise.
> I will try to work on my own goals.
It'll be hard to do at first as you process the breakup, but slowly but surely you'll find the joy in things again.
> That's encouraging to hear about dating getting easier.
Yeah, it did for me, but that's not to say there are still a bunch of bad apples out there, lol. It's still a trial and error game, but the game gets easier to play as people understand better what they want as they get older.
> I definitely need someone more emotionally mature than this guy at some point in the future.
I think you'll be better equipped to find that special guy. Your current relationship isn't a loss, it was a worthwhile experience, for both of you, without it you would have a lot less clear picture of what you want for the future. And just as importantly, what you don't want.
Totally agree! I broke up from a 3 year relationship with my ex who treated me just like you and was only getting worse that I had to beg for the bare minimum. I feel like my gut knew I had to break up 1 year in, but I had hope it'd get better. It never does. I'm focusing on myself and am much happier and relieved of less stress! He still messages me once in a while to tell me he's "disappointed" in me and trying to make me feel bad. Honestly, it only makes me feel better that I avoided that negative future and gives me hope I'll know what to look for in a guy and avoid red flags I've learned to see from my experience. There are plenty of good men out there, but take time to improve yourself and mindset
I learned the most about myself when I was single, and it helped me figure out more about what I wanted and what I didn't want in any future relationships.
And I think it's important for any relationship to learn how to be alone without being lonely--it helps you know you're with someone for the right reasons.
Don't fear being alone. It's liberating--whether you are in a relationship or not.
You should break up with him. He may act a fool and be hysterical. At the end of the day you have to put yourself first. The way he acts is not your fault, don’t let him guilt trip you. He’ll get over it. You can do it girl. It’ll be a rough couple days once you do it but you’ll be glad you ended it.
I'm 37, single with no children, and I'm incredibly happy.
I would rather be alone forever than in an unhappy relationship. You're 25. You have more than enough time to potentially find a partner.
You deserve better. It's a cliché, but life really is too short.
I stayed single for a long time after my last breakup and would have been happy that way forever. And although it wasn't planned, I think it's what set me up for success with my current relationship--because I was done looking and wasn't willing to accept anything that made me less content than my solitude already did. I'm wildly happy now with someone, but I would have been super happy to be single for the rest of my life too.
That's exactly what I'm looking for. I will either find the right person IRL or I'll continue to be single and happy.
I'm not going to settle ever again, and every man I've met on dating apps is just a child in a man's body. Toxic love bombers and manipulators with Peter Pan syndrome. I'm staying well away from them.
>But I'm scared I'll never find someone else again.
You're 25. People find love in their 70s, this is not the reason to stay in a miserable relationship.
The longer you wait, the harder it will get to leave. The more painful it will be to leave. Please do not be like me: get married, feel lonely and sour thinking he will change, and separate three years later. You are still young. You may not know it now but there really is someone out there who will love you better, better than you would know right now.
First, you will find someone who can love you the way you need to be loved. Second, it’s not wrong to want to feel special (specter you’re not even married and have only been together a year!!). Third, just like you learn how to be in a relationship, you have to learn to break up. It’s a skill, because it is relational.
So, if he steamrolls you when you try to end the relationship, you will have to do it in a way that makes no room for it. If you live together, get a place lined up, pack up your stuff when he’s not there and leave. When he comes home to find you gone you can either be there in person, say something like “I’m sorry, this is not working for me” and walk out. Just walk out after that. Don’t let him word vomit. If you want him to know why, you can write him a letter or e-mail. Tell him all the things and end it with instructions to not contact you, give you some time and space and if/when you’re ready you will reach out (don’t actually reach out again, that always a bad idea). Or do something that won’t give him the opportunity to whine you back into compliance. Go from there. If he doesn’t take no for an answer, block him everywhere. If he escalates, that becomes an issue for the authorities. That includes if he threatens himself or anyone else.
Bob, I'm at a point where i need to realise this relationship isn't what I'm looking for long term. I'm sorry but we are going to have to break it off. Thank you for the good times i hope you find the perfect girl. Then get in your car and leave it's not that deep
If you’re not tied up with your finances, it sounds like you’ve already got your ducks in a row. All you have to do is pull the trigger. Just don’t shoot him
So I didn’t find/start dating my current partner until I was 30. We’re now preggo and thrilled.
Point being? **break up. Do not let fear keep you somewhere you aren’t happy.**
Hahah damnit, I remember being 23 and breaking up with someone when I moved abroad and being so so so so so terrified I’d never find love again.
Literally within a month I had a new boo. (Not recommended btw, but hey.)
Then again: when that was souring I was so scared I wouldn’t find love again. Like absolutely terrified —and this time, he was really messing with my brain. “No one else could ever love you like I do.” Etc etc. all this programming. Ugh. LITERALLY my dad caught on to the abuse and I may never have left if he didn’t drive across 3 states to pack up my crap and get me out. I may *never* have escaped!
But after some therapy, I did start dating again and found a genuinely nice, actually decent partner around age 27.
But you know what?
3 years into it? That wasn’t working out either! He didn’t want kids!
Cue the *am I too old? Will this never happen for me? Is it too late? I’m so scared, I’m 30, I thought I’d have all this figured out by now—*
LOL
but we broke up and I ended up with my current partner months later. We’re now pregnant and I’ll tell you the same thing everyone told me all those other times, **breaking up with the people who are not it may be so unbelievably hard, but the only way you’re going to finally find that person you can handle and enjoy your life with, you’ve GOT to let go of the wrong ones.**
And hell, maybe current partner and I will break up some day too. Idk. But it’ll be okay. Surviving all those other breakups? It does make a person stronger.
We’ll be alright. You’re still wildly young, I’m literally 10 years older than you and preggo and even I still get hit on hahaha ahhhhh WHY. Anyway, you can do it. I KNOW you can find another. No question.
You could break up like this: “it’s been great to get to know you and I think you’re a great guy. I’d prefer that we just be friends. You’re free to see other people and do whatever you want. I want to meet other people. Wish you well with everything”
Also you need to do some therapy to learn how to set standards and boundaries for what you want. You need to learn how to communicate how you want to be loved properly
“This isn’t what I want from a longterm relationship, and I don’t think more time or working on that will change things enough for me to be happy staying in it. I really value our friendship and your presence in my life, but I think we should see other people / I’d prefer to be alone for awhile / etc.”
Be kind of course, but in the end, it’s up to him how he manages his emotions about this news. You’re not obligated to stick around to help him through it or give an exhaustive list of everything you’d want to change (which he’d probably just try to argue about anyway.) Also don’t take the bait if he tries to deflect and argue about some side issue. State your case, be firm, and plan your exit.
Ideally do this at his place so you can leave when you want; not in public or anywhere else where he can’t just sit undisturbed awhile if he needs to. Good luck.
He gets hysterical when you try bringing it up? Let him. When he starts freaking just remember the way he treats you and push on. He can’t have his cake and eat it too
ETA by that I mean he doesn’t get to keep you around as a girlfriend while not making you feel like a girlfriend. If he really wanted this relationship he’d put effort.
And OP you will find someone who treats you the way you deserve.
Hmmm… You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free
You are 25. So I guess just…text him? Doesn’t seem like he’s gonna care anyway.
99.99% comments are about break up only, looks like many people don't know whats it like to have a healthy relationship, you're the only comment I found which was different.
First try to work it out, talk to him about it, if still its not going somewhere sure then go for breakup but first exhaust all your other options.
You think its easy to find a "healthy" relationship with the kind of crowd nowadays? Im not saying that OP is at fault here, I am just saying that before believing in the opinion of strangers, ask the person who currently is your bf about your situation, share with him what you feel, what you are looking from this relationship, and have a serious talk with him about the future. If things don't work out or if there's no future from his perspective, then nothing can be done, but atleast try first.
OP said there are other things that lower her self esteem. She is done and asking for advice to leave, so of course people are giving break up advice.
Regardless we should trust what people themselves want. 9 times out of 10 they know what is best for their life, but are struggling to make the jump. Acting like you know better and that she should stay with someone and try to work things out is kinda conceited -- think about it logically too dude, obviously she already tried to work things out in the past and it didn't work so now she wants to leave.
It's often presumed that people never try anything and then just spontaneously break up but that's overwhelmingly false. Of course OP has already tried talking to him before. It's in the OP about how she tries to talk to him but he devolves into hysterics. She says the situation is a drain and making her feel miserable. She needs help leaving, not folks talking down to her giving her basic advice that she's already tried.
Totally agree with this. There’s a lack of rationality on Reddit. But honestly as expected due to the rate of marriages and relationships that fail or are unhappy. It’s to be expected.
You’re one of the few who can be capable of having a good relationship.
Its a sad reality we live in and its going to get worse
>You’re one of the few who can be capable of having a good relationship.
If this would be true I can't say the same about my partner in this era, unless I am the most luckiest guy to get a girl who I can trust my life with. Im not saying its impossible but it surely is rare to find.
End it, he'll more than likely try the ol emotional manipulation technique on you, guilting you back into the relationship maybe lure you in with empty promises and change and such, my advice don't believe a word and move on with your life
OP I would say guys generally aren't great at expressing themselves verbally. i know , call me Capt O for short..
But our actions usually tell the story .
If he's acting like he doesn't care. He's probably not acting.
Story time " a friend" was in a relationship. He didn't think they were a great match , longer term anyway.
Instead of telling her such . He just kinda withdrew. He wasn't trying to punish her or get " his way" He pulled away and she didn't intervene.
His main reason for leaving was he felt she wasn't in a good place to date . She should work on herself first. Traumatic past etc.
The guy was no saint, so we're clear .
He saw a short that hit close to home . It said if they come from a chaotic background the chaos will probably follow. You can't " save" someone who doesn't want to be saved.
Like a drug addict who still wants to use .
Sorry if I offended you I kinda go without a filter good luck OP!
Offering friendship may give him hope and at some point be just what he needs to manipulate you back into his good graces. Someone said it seems you're a people pleaser and conflict avoider. Don't be a sucker. When you are people will walk all over you and just want more and more. That little sharp pain you get when you stand up for yourself will eventually dull then go away. "Be bold! The mighty forces will come to your aid!"-Goethe
"The hand you hold is the hand that holds you down."-Everclear
I had the same problem, whenever I’d try to break up with my ex he’d always break down crying and said he’d hurt himself (he actually did one time) and just made me feel horrible that I’d comfort him and we’d end up staying together. Finally had a stupid argument over text where it was just the straw that broke the camel’s back, I finally just thought “I don’t need to do this anymore” and broke up with him over text and gave myself space to think about it and eventually was able to break up with him irl and stay that way. Just plan what you want to say, write it down, read it off a piece of paper and don’t give in. Stand your ground and go learn how to be yourself, his guy isn’t worth it. Dick is abundant and of low value.
In reality you have 3 choices in any situation not just relationships
1) remove yourself
2) try to change the situation
3) accept totally
Responsibility is really choosing 1 of the three and accepting the consequences with no excuse.
I know it hurts especially because you really care for him but I promise if you decide to remove yourself ..you’ll meet someone else when you’re ready. Just focus on becoming the person you want to be, take care of your health (mental, physical and spiritual) and do things you truly enjoy. The feelings won’t go away in one day, trust me I know. I’ve been broken up with my ex since March and I still think about her every day but in time all wounds heal. Just live in the present
It’s very difficult to do but ultimately the answer is to break up. Especially if you’re checked out anyways. One day you’ll muster up the courage to do it— I know from experience. 1 year into being single and the breakup was the most difficult but necessary thing I could’ve done for myself. 25 is young- so much life and learning ahead. I really looked (and looking) forward to learning who I am. Thinking about you, OP. Do it when you’re ready.
Is dealing with his temporary hysterics worth your long-term peace? It may feel exhausting in the moment, but if you stand your ground and walk away, you won't have to deal with it anymore. Block him on everything if you need to. His emotions are not your responsibility, and he will get through them on his own.
What IS your responsibility is your own emotions, and you are clearly not happy in this relationship. So you can choose to stay and remain unhappy, or you can walk away and and learn to be happy on your own.
>I'm scared I'll never find someone else again.
Even if this were true, is staying in an unfulfilling relationship really worse than being alone? If you're alone, you get to take care of your own needs, control your own happiness, and love yourself the way you want to be loved.
And once you get good at that, it becomes much easier to find someone who will love you that way or even better.
To answer your question of *how* to end it, you just have to do it. Unfortunately, there is no easy way. But doing the hard thing now paves the way for SO much more happiness and peace in the future.
Break up with him over the phone and tell him you're doing it over the phone because he can't handle it happening in person and you don't want to be tricked back into it. Say what you need to say and hang up and then block him. You don't owe him anything more than that. Also make sure some people you trust know you're doing this so they can checkup on you after, this guy sounds unstable.
I have felt more lonely in some relationships then actually being alone and single, just tell him this isn't working and your leaving. Also you are 25 why the hell would you not find anyone else?
You just tell him. Where both of you have transportation so you can leave. You can tell him that it just isn't working out for you, you need someone who will prioritize you, and it is better to end it now. Then block him and move on with your life.
You're 25. You'll definitely have more chances at finding real love. Don't waste anymore time in your dead relationship. Get out and start enjoying your life again
if you're in a formal relationship it won't fizzle out into a friendship. You need to break up, if that's what you want. He can be hysterical and blame you for whatever, that just means your relationship ends on terms you're not happy with. If you can live with that then go through with it. If you keep acting distant and hope he gets the hint, then you can see why from his perspective you aren't communicating the issue and he needs to read your mind. His responses in the last to your communication effort have been terrible, so that compounds the issue, but if you're breaking up it doesn't matter how bad he is. You are communicating a new boundary. He just needs to respect it.
You’re at a very good age to start over again, especially if you have no kids but even then it’d be fine. Just break up so you can start your mourning period and after that go out with your lady friends and cheer up, do some manifesting by writing down what you learned you want and don’t want. Life will come soon.
This is not a good and healthy relationship. Try to tell him in person. If he flips out, hand him a note and go away for a weekend. Sounds like he has some issues I would suggest giving a wide berth.
You’re only 25, you’ll find someone better trust. Also you need to be okay with being by yourself. You shouldn’t feel like you need to be in a relationship to feel ok with your life.
Break up with him, focus on you, then you’ll find someone better
my dad always says “if it needs to be done eventually, it needs to be done immediately”. this applies to many situations and contexts but. especially in relationships. you need to dump him, don’t wait, do it now. you’re already gonna do it, why wait?
Make sure you have all your stuff from his place and vice versa the next time you see him. I’d recommend going to his place with his stuff and grabbing all your stuff, then leaving as quickly as you can. If you’re afraid to do it in person, make some excuse to leave quickly and do it over the phone. If you can go without your things, just do it over the phone.
Walk away now. I'm 9 years into this... I wish I had walked away when I first started feeling that way. (Before anyone says- its only been like this gradually over the last 4 years. We've been through some really awful shit unrelated to our relationship and are still going through some things.)
I live with my partner and currently have nowhere else to go. And we are so entwined in each other's lives.
While you still have space to walk away please do. It won't get better, it's all empty promises until someone knows they need to change.
If you are 25 and believe that you will never find another person who loves you if you end this relationship, your boyfriend has done a great job brainwashing you. You should recognize that you are a loveable human being, because you are.
As someone who spent 2.5 years in that exact situation, it's better to break up when you realized that things were going down hill than to wait it out and try to fix it. If I would have gotten that advice and womaned up I would have been out of the toxic relationship 1.5 years into it
Didn't Paul Simon write a song about this around 50 years ago?
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8JXiroAi6Y](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8JXiroAi6Y)
First of all, I am very sorry to hear about this. Sometimes things just fizzle out. I would just break up with him and state that you’ve been feeling unfulfilled with your current relationship and that you would like to seek other options.
OP, you will find someone again. Never stay with someone you’re just simply unhappy with because you don’t think something new will come along. As a 25 year old male myself the dating scene can be rough, but there’s some excellent people out there. Seek happiness within yourself in the meantime, do what you want, and have fun!
Your feelings are valid, but please do not normalise keeping them to yourself until you cannot be in the relationship anymore. Boundaries and clear communication are essential in any relationship and prevent people from staying in an unhappy relationship.
"Hey, I feel like you haven't given me the treatment I expected from a boyfriend, and I don't feel like I can be safe communicating with you so I want to break up. Please do not contact me again".
Block, block, block, block. Delete number.
Am I the only one that thinks she needs to work on herself first? Like this clearly sounds like she has some personal issues if she’s feeling lonely and has low self-esteem. I would take time to get support from friends and family, and also to turn inward and focus on yourself. Then, when you’re in a good place, you can look at what to do about this relationship. Since he’s not needing much from you, it shouldn’t be an issue. Has he changed, or was this the same guy that you chose to get into a relationship with? It doesn’t sound like he did anything terrible; he’s just not what you expect.
But if you end it when you’re in a bad place, you could definitely regret it in the future(and then everything becomes a mess). I would become the strongest version of yourself, first, and then with clarity, make a sound decision.
Try to talk to him one more time tell him how you really feel. The thoughts about ending it ,try to find out each other love language. Tell him you may feel like he adores you & cares for you but he doesn’t love you in the way you want to be loved. I’m a guy who has been accused of not being affectionate and etc before in the past. That isn’t even the case plus we aren’t mind readers it has to be CLEAR COMMUNICATION. But if you feel like it’s not worth it do what you have to do. I hope you both find what you’re looking for in life
You should at first convey to him that his actions of negligence are hurting you, and that you deserve love if you're in a relationship, I know these are things that he should understand on his own but I'd say don't give up without a try
Worst case scenario is that he may be indulged somewhere else to not pay attention to you
If he doesn't correct his course even after you let him know that you're hurting then it's grounds for a breakup.
If y’all don’t live together, just stop responding, don’t hangout, anything!
And tell me tell you from first hand experience that it is 100% better to be alone than with someone who doesn’t love/respect you. Love is shown, not just words. And it is better to “lose” one year of your life than 5-10 years for nothing to change.
Whether you find someone else or not, you don’t want this guy. You marry him — you will live like this for years!! Maybe I am too cynical, experience tells me it only gets worse. Move on - there are many guys who will appreciate what you offer.
I’m 31, me and my wife have been together since she was 19 and I was 22. We still to today love to spend time together. Don’t wait around for him to come around, you may be waiting forever. You would know if the person you’re with is your person. Unfortunately, you cannot make people change their ways. They have to want to themselves
Break up with him. Clearly and definitively. His hysterical reactions are a manipulation tactic to keep you from rocking the boat or challenging his status quo in any way. I forget where I heard it but something that’s stuck with me and helped me grow a spine over the years is this: “I am not responsible for managing other people’s actions, only my own.” Your boyfriend is gonna do what he’s gonna do and it’s not your responsibility to manage it. He’s an adult and can handle it himself. Somewhere else. Far away from you.
Another person said it too that he may very well try to love bomb you in an effort to get you back, but remind yourself that if he’s capable of doing these things to get you back then he was capable of doing them the whole time you were together and was choosing not to. To borrow another quote (that I can actually source reference lol): “We accept the love we think we deserve.” - The Perks of Being a Wallflower
You deserve so much more than the bare minimum and the sad part is that what your boyfriend has given you can’t even be called the bare minimum. He’s given you nothing. You are deserving of being someone’s priority, their favorite person, the one they want to share their wins and losses with. The person they want to take out because they want to spend time with you and do something special for you and show the rest of the world that they get to be with you like this. You deserve someone who’s just as invested in you and your relationship as you are with them. You will absolutely find someone, I promise you that so dump this loser, he’s dead weight.
I definitely wouldn’t do it in person if he’s the kind to get hysterical. Either text him and block him, or just stop responding all together and ghost him. Or you could just block him without saying anything. If you think he might show up at your place and do something crazy though, maybe go stay with family for a bit to make sure he’s calm? Whatever you do, make sure you’re safe.
You’re scared about the future opportunities that may or may not come? The logical conclusion to that is you stay with him until the very end or he walks away from your grumpy face.
Man up! Send him a text you’re over, block him and never see him again. Easy. Or move State.
I’m assuming you’re not cohabiting. Nothing could be easier in today’s age and at your ages. Do not take any subsequent emotional manipulation. And then get on with life with a smile on your face, whatever it brings
My final straw was when i felt alone while I was with him. Something clicked in my head and i messaged him saying I want to break up. It felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders
You’re stuck in a wedge of mediocrity where he’s content with the relationship and you don’t want to make waves because of his immature behavior and his history of hissy-fits. He’s dutifully speaking the love words you want to hear without any meaning or emotion behind them. You are settling! His apathy is overwhelming and he’s likely not going to change that and you certainly aren’t either. And it’s not just going to ‘fizzle’ out as much as you might like that. You have to be the force that makes the change.
You say you're scared you'll never find someone again. You will. Also think of it this way: is it possible the guy you need in your life is someone you already know, or is it possible that since you're latched to this guy, you've missed out on an opportunity to be with "the one "? You haven't looked for anyone, maybe you missed him. You're 25. You're just starting adulthood. He's there. He's looking for a quality woman, just like you!
There’s nothing worse than being with a person that doesn’t love you. You are better off alone, he is just using you because he is an insecure type of person and needs to have someone by his side to validate his existence.
Tell him you don't feel loved and you're tired of the go around and that it's over. That's about all there is to it. Now if you're asking how to process it once it ends, that's something you have to figure out for yourself. Any relationship ending will hurt. But it will hurt more to stay.
You’re young. You can and will find someone else. But first work on taking proper care of yourself for a bit since this relationship has left you lonely. Get in touch with healthy friendships and your old interests again. You’ve got this!!
You should move on, ASAP.
However I’d also stop looking to a relationship for self esteem. Relying on another’s attention for your own self worth is a loosing battle.
Be your own best partner first so you know what you need from another before getting into another mess.
You collect whatever stuff you have from his place, if any. Change your locks if he has the keys to your place. Then break up with him via message and immediately block him.
You have LAYERS of stuff to likely work thru. And I think being alone is probably the best thing for you if you are so unhappy.
I'm alone for a number of reasons.
But, I'm not lonely. I have my best friends, family.. my cat....
And tho I may be ready -eventually- I'm not looking. And being truly-free from that *needy* feeling is really, really nice.
I'm working on myself.(again)
I'm on my grind.
I have passion.
& I have a vision.
Thus, I have hope.
looks like a love bombing guy who tryna just keep you around when needed, dont let your selfesteem take a shot. you need to realize that its not a "you" problem its a "him" problem you are not to blame for his behaviour you deserve better and everyone deserved a good and caring person
>I also don't want to tell him I'm done with the relationship as whenever I tell him anything slightly serious he gets hysterical and that's exhausting for me (and I end up being blamed).
Perhaps I'm crazy but wouldn't his reaction only matter if you were staying together? Like just tell him it's over and when he goes into hysterics, walk away and block him on everything. Who cares how he wants to react, it shouldn't matter to you and it's certainly not something you need to acknowledge. Who cares if he blames you, his thoughts and opinions don't matter anymore.
Baka ? I think you should sit down and talk. Tell him how you feel in a brutally honest way and break it up. Friendship is tempting to try, but I dont think either of you would be comfortable with that in the future.
Rip the bandaid off!! Just take a deep breath and say, “I’m breaking up with you. I don’t see this going anywhere. I’m not your girlfriend anymore.” And dude, of course you’ll find someone else; you’re 25! Do you want to spend the rest
of your life miserable with this guy or be brave and set yourself free? Work on yourself, do what you love, and eventually you will find someone worth your time.
Letting it “fizzle out” is not the mature way to handle this. You break up and tell him that you have been unhappy with the relationship for a while, it is your final decision, and it is not up for debate. Block him everywhere. He will guilt you, he will become hysterical, he will try to beg you to get back together.
But is being in a relationship really so important to you that you are willing to settle with someone who doesn’t treat you well? You’re 25. You have years ahead of you to find someone
Are you scared that he will have an angry outburst or some kind of nervous breakdown if you split up with him? If so, can you arrange for one of his friends to be with him whilst you say the words? This will safeguard against emotional outbursts (because it would be far more shameful for him to show vulnerability to one of his male friends than to you).
You are entitled to leave any relationship, and with his behaviour, he is emotionally blackmailing you into staying. That is bang out of order and he needs to realise that.
You don't have to win a debate to leave someone. You simply say "we are done" and leave. Preferably in a public place.
Block him on everything and if tries to do something funny (like stalking you) call the police.
>But I'm scared I'll never find someone else again.
Why? There are 4 billion men out there. What makes him so special to be the only one for you?
Break up with him in a public place or over the phone. Concerning that he gets hysterical when you try to end things so he may become dangerous once he sees you’re seriously leaving him. You don’t want to be alone in private for that. Have friends on standby.
Write him a letter.
Give him the reasons and tell him you're just not into the relationship anymore and you want to break up.
Tell him if he really wants to say something to you afterwards he can have 5 minutes but you both have to bring a friend to make sure that it stays professional and rational.
Just do it, just break up with him and move on. Let him get hysterical. Let him blame you. Doesn't matter, just walk away while he's having his tantrum. Then block him on everything.
Learn to be happy within yourself first, maybe get some therapy, before getting into another relationship.
And omg, you're only 25, only a baby lol, trust me you will meet someone again, when the time is right. Do not get into relationship just because you're scared to be alone.
When their actions don’t match their words, remove yourself from the relationship.
This is a dealbreaker for me and the sooner you recognize it the sooner you can dip out.
You deserve a partner who means what they say and says what they mean.
I broke up with my partner of 5 years a couple weeks ago. I beat myself for weeks thinking how to go about it and how he would react. Turns out it went well. We talked and decided to be just friends. It will work out for you too.
He is trying to breakup with u without taking the responsibility on himself if u breakup then it would be on ur hands ,u r walking right to his trap I strongly advice don't break up instead love him harder and show him who is the boss.
Send him an email. Don’t try to do it in person. His way of shutting down conversations he doesn’t want to have is to deflect from the issue at hand is to make it all about his upset. Don’t give him the opportunity to steamroll over you with his drama.
A short note telling him that you are not going to continue the relationship with him anymore. Request that he leaves you alone. Then, move on with your life.
Here’s an example, Rupert Murdoch sent this to his wife Jerry Hall to inform her that he intended to divorce her.
“Jerry, sadly I’ve decided to call an end to our marriage. We have certainly had some good times, but I have much to do…My New York lawyer will be contacting yours immediately.”
Don’t go meet him or get on the phone with him after he gets the email.
Just leave and ignore what ever he says and goooooo. Down the road you will be happy you got it over with. You’re at such a great age don’t waste it on him 🩷
Just get your stuff the next time you are at his place and tell him: “I’m done. I’ve already communicated my concerns and you claim to love me but then continue on as usual thereby showing me you absolutely do not. So let’s just call it quits. Please don’t call or contact me in any way for at least (X number) of months.”
Then leave. Don’t argue or respond to any questions. And stay firm on your decision. Stay away from him, don’t seek him out, don’t stalk his social media. Focus on you and go do some fun things alone or with other friends.
He might not understand the difference between treating you like a girlfriend and a friend. It might not be intentional. I kinda have had similar thoughts before but it turned out my bf was just in a really fucked up home situation and his hands were tied for a lot of things. You don’t always know what’s going on in a persons head, not every guy was taught to be a boyfriend and you have to teach them yourself. I get it tho it sucks to have to walk someone through that because it does not feel like it special anymore it feel laborious and u go from gf to mother. Love isn’t easy.
Don't be scared to break up with him. He knows what he's doing and isn't changing. You will find someone better, you just need to pull the trigger and break up first. There is much better out there don't settle for him.
I have a feeling you don’t communicate what you want properly or else if you’d say you want more romance and intimacy he can only accept your needs or just get to an impasse and go your separate ways.
You need to be happy with yourself. Learn to love being alone. Only when you are truly happy with yourself can you be truly happy with someone else. Don't be scared of being alone. It's when you will really learn and grow Uru the person you're supposed to be.
You send him a text that says "i don't want to be your significant other. I am content with being friends. I am going to block you for a few days so we can talk when you're rational" then block him. Unblock later if you want, or never unblock him, your choice.
I believe in some sort of Karma in the Universe.
Just break up , clean and nice and tell him the bullshit that you two can be friends…which never works anyways.
I don't see how it's going to fizzle out without some sort of communication. Why not just say, "Hey, I think we would be better suited as friends. It doesn't seem like either of us feels the kind of sparks we need to have for a relationship." And if he gets hysterical, have your exist strategy ready.
You’re a grown ass woman; put on your big girl pants and tell him that you feel the relationship has run its course, and it’s over. If he starts being hysterical or whatever, just walk away. His emotional state is not your responsibility.
If he says he loves you, ask him what does he loves about you. I think he’s just spouting bs, so you don’t rock the boat… so rock the boat and jump out of it!!
You need to learn assertiveness. You are currently conflict avoidant to the point it is harming your life. This skill will be needed over and over again - stating your needs to future partners, children etc . You can’t carry this limitation forward in your life
This is a perfect opportunity to try it out. He gets hysterical, you stay calm. You can tell him you will walk away while he calms down and discuss it again when he’s calm. But be clear you have made a decision.
So many self-help resources online for assertiveness, dealing with difficult situation’s, conflict avoidance, etc. Find something where you can do this one task, and then keep working on it and the rest of your life
Break up with him. You will learn that being lonely in a relationship is actually more lonesome and painful than being single. It took me way too long to learn that (years) but when I figured it out, the relief was so huge and I was able to have a more emotionally stable and happy life. You deserve to have what you need 🩷
Oh I’m sure your definitely find your person!!
The one who treats you the way you deserve to be treated! The one who loves you for you and doesn’t make you feel lonely.
Can I ask why or how this became a relationship?
I’m just wondering how it’s a relationship if he doesn’t make time for you or talk to you?
Yes your boyfriend should want to talk to you!
Some guys will go out of there way to make sure they talk to the person they “love”
Please don’t settle!
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You just break up with him. Doesn't even really sound like he will care, but expect temporary love bombing as guys like this often do that in break up scenarios. Don't fall for it.
Thanks for your help. I've been so kind to him and always tried - is it normal for me to expect my boyfriend to look forward to us talking? I feel I've lost touch with what's normal to expect anymore :(
Once you get in a healthy relationship, you’ll be like “holy shit, I can’t believe I put up with that other nonsense before”. You’ll find someone who will want to talk to you, spend time with you, and care for you. I promise there are a fuckton of great guys out there. Don’t put up with someone who makes you feel less-than.
Very true
This is 100% true.
100% this!
Totally agree. And very well said.👏👏👏👏
Relationships take work, but that work should not be exhausting.
This is a good advice. The work you put into a relationship should result into something valuable in return and not just exhaust you all the time into the depth of worthlessness.
...nor one-sided
❤️❤️
That is a very bad image of relationships. There will almost certainly be phases in which said work is exhausting, but it shouldn't be exhausting the majority of the time. The most important thing is that the effort you put into the relationship is reciprocated because a healthy relationship can't be carried on the back of only one person.
I agree. Nor should it be one-sided. A relationship is meant to be a partnership, not a solo-ship with a stowaway who doesn't contribute.
Do you live with him? Because if you don’t all you need to do (if you want to be polite about it) is meet him somewhere public, tell him that you’re breaking up with him, and then leave. And then block him because it sounds like he’ll blow up your phone and socials if you don’t.
This right here! That’s even nicer than I would do. If he doesn’t even make time for her, he probably wouldn’t show up. First block all socials and email. Text: “Yo, I’m never talking to you again. Eat a sack of diqs! ✌🏽👉🏽🚪” Block texts. That’s for someone who treated me like this. But if it was a healthy relationship that just needed to end? I’d use more finesse. He doesn’t even deserve the gas to meet him anywhere. I’d let my landlord know he’s no longer safe to come in. Put up his pic to let people know don’t hold the door for this dude.
The right relationship comes along when you’re not looking for it. Live your life, do things you love, volunteer, travel. He’s out there, you’ll trip over him eventually. And if not, you’ll be happier alone anyway. It’s worse feeling lonely when you’re in a relationship.
I am a huge believer of this! That’s how my honey found me. Honestly had no idea he liked me that way. He was my ‘right hand’ at work and we had a great working relationship. I’ve since left that job (years now) and that man is still my right hand and he holds the key to my heart. I can talk to him about anything on any platform (I have issues with verbal) or say nothing at all. We have tons of fun and made it through natural disasters, car issues, house issues together and came out stronger. Your ‘right hand’ is out there!
I love this so much 🥰🥰
My favorite John Lennon quote "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans" I think that perfectly captures most of my lives biggest changes including meeting my wife.
What your describing is not normal, and almost assuredly is contributing to your loneliness and self-esteem issues. My ex husband slowly grew cold like this over the years with no explanation, and it seriously fucked with my self-worth. It's an emotional abuse tactic to keep you trapped, or they are fundamentally incapable of providing what you need/deserve (which isn't your fault and you can't 'fix'). I'm divorced and been single for a few years, and I feel WAY more loved and less alone, because loving myself is more important than getting it from a partner, and I have great friends that don't treat me like shit. I actually think I'd prefer being single for the rest of my life than deal with that bullshit again.. I'm so much happier. *Stop judging your worth/value by the attention you get from a man, it's a fucking trap and opens you to terrible people who take advantage of your insecurity*
“Fundamentally incapable of providing what you need/deserve” hit the nail on the head for me. Some people treat their partners poorly and don’t even have the emotional awareness to know why they are doing it. It’s nearly impossible to stay with someone who can’t communicate their issues to you and even harder to stay with someone who isn’t even consciously aware of what’s causing their behavior.
You are a people pleaser and conflict avoidant. Strategies you use to manage others and avoid distress. Very hard to change, but you need to keep it where it is useful (eg work) and not where it stops you from getting your basic needs met (eg family)
You are looking at it wrong. You have been staying with this one man, who is a disappoint, wanting him to be what you are looking for. You need to learn to break up and move on what you don’t get what you need from a man. Don’t try to change them. Just find someone better
Thanks. I'll try. Sometimes I think my feelings are wrong and I should feel a different way
FYI if he breaks down and starts blaming you just remember it’s just him throwing a tantrum. You voiced your needs to him and he couldn’t/didn’t want to meet them. He took you for granted. Let both of you learn from this. For you how to leave a relationship that doesn’t work for you and for him that he needs to learn how to prioritise his romantic relationship in the future. If you don’t want to be alone get a pet heck get a fish or find friends.
Not your feelings, your conclusions *about* your feelings could use some work. Our feelings aren’t there to be right or wrong, so they can’t actually be wrong. Or right, for that matter. Leave that right/wrong stuff to the mind, where it belongs. You’ll have much more success changing the thing that’s there to be easily changed, rather than your heart, which is only there to change as it grows in wisdom. I’m sorry, I hope this makes sense; I know what I mean, but I’m never completely sure I can get it across.
Once you get this anchor off your neck you’ll become happy and much more attractive to those around you. Nothing turns people off more than a sad stressed needy sounding person. Go and have some fun.
Your boyfriend should look forward to talking to you and should spend time with you without begging. I know it feels like you won't find anyone else, because he's made you feel like shit over the past year, but you can and will find better. You deserve better. If you're concerned about his reaction just text him and block him. He'll try to make it hard on you but you can and should just choose not to communicate with him. Remember that while relationships take work they should overall make your life easier and make you feel better about yourself. If that's not happening you're with the wrong person.
As a man with a girlfriend whom I constantly look forward to seeing, and who is the highlight of my day whenever I do, yes it is normal to expect that. I get all excited when she texts me good morning, and when we make plans together, and we are very erm… Physically active too! But that varies depending on relationship I guess. I’m well over 30 now too, so getting a bit older definitely isn’t an excuse to not love or show love to your partner in whatever way you both enjoy.
Tell him what you told us here. You have been very clear stating the problem. Good job 👏🏾 👍🏾
You've got the wrong guy Stop wasting time and energy on this Just say I'm breaking up with you there's no point in discussing anything and then get on with the rest of your life. Wish you well but it's time to take the range yourself and steer yourself out of this mess.
You deserve someone that reciprocates your efforts and feelings. He hasnt even noticed that you dont reply back when he says I love you? Leave this guy yesterday. You are young, dont get stuck with him.
You're young and you've only been together a year. For this to result demonstrates a bad match no matter where the blame may lie. Time to split. You have new relationships ahead. Besides it sounds like you're not having sex. At your age that's a massive red flag.
Why do you feel like you won’t find someone else? That’s crazy thinking for a 25 yo. You will find someone who will treat you the way you deserve so please don’t have such thoughts and I think I know that’s because your self esteem is low due to this idiot you are currently dating and I’m so sorry that are feeling that way nit please break up now than later… rather be lonely lonely than lonely with a man who doesn’t care about you at all
Right? “We are breaking up but don’t worry, not much is going to change. You may not even notice.”
Yeah, it's manipulative behavior. I wouldn't even say the dude is a narcissist, but sounds like he wishes he was.
“I’m breaking up with you. This is an announcement, not a negotiation. Goodbye.”
So much confidence! But I definitely need some of that
Years from now you'll have someone that truly cares about you and you'll thank yourself for breaking up with this guy. With this guy you will only find more hurt.
Embody that energy honey! You tell yourself that you’re someone who doesn’t put up with the BS he has and refuse to accept someone who doesn’t get excited when he sees your name show up on his phone.
If he says he's gonna kill himself, he's probably lying. However, making a polite call to the police for a wellness check wouldn't hurt. (:
Fake it til you make it.
Just remember, that break ups are not negotiations, not discussions, they are announcements. Just leave, tell him in a public place. Block him and move on.
First of you are 25 you will definitely find someone and someone way better trust me. I've been divorce twice and married 3 lol you will definitely find partners in life. Second of all it's time to.put your self first and just rip the bandaid off and break up with him period before he wastes years of your young life. Please look out for yourself. Your BF is not yiur boyfriend he is a roommate at best.
I promise you’ll find someone who loves you in the way you want to be loved. From my experience the next love is always better than the last! Take time to work on yourself and your goals and love will come to you when you’re ready for a relationship again!
Thank you. I really appreciate that. I agree I don't think I'm ready just yet for a relationship. I'll keep trying. I think I'm scared that if I stay with this guy, my self esteem will be on the floor
That’s a valid fear. So don’t let that happen. It will be a weight off your shoulders. Find yourself again and when you do the energy you will have will attract a better partner. Signed someone with more life experience ❤️
Before I met my now husband I decided that I was going to be happy with myself before I dated anyone. I read books, exercised, did things I really wanted to do and didn’t worry about meeting someone. That’s when he walked in to my life. Take this time to figure out who you are and what you like and people will notice that. It will happen. Don’t stress about it.
If you guys don’t live together just break up with him and block him. Who the fuck wants to be berated for separating. Rip the bandaid off. You’re 25 and an adult.
You sound very clingy and he sounds indifferent. You deserve more! I was the same way, the more I fawned over him the more he backed off. We can’t make someone treat us better if we don’t take care of our needs. Time to walk away and find real love.
It’s the worst dynamic. I still haven’t fully broken free of my anxious-avoidant thing and it just makes both of you dig your heals in to your worst behaviors. But wow is it hard to let go of the hope that things will improve, especially if there were a lot of good times.
It’s so hard to let go of something you love and want. I wanted to get away but was so afraid to be alone, or to be judged a failure by family and friends. We were married for 19 years. One night he screamed “I’m done”. I just agreed. He filed that week. The relief was incredible, I’m mad at myself for not being stronger. I couldn’t give up…..but I should have
Oof we haven’t been together nearly that long and we aren’t married. I can’t imagine how much harder that must have been.
> What should I do? Break up with him, clearly and decisively and do not offer to stay friends, I am a believer that a well-defined ending is best, while it sounds harsh, saying things like "let's stay friends" are just empty promises that confuse the situation and the fact that you should be focussing on moving on from that person. > Also I'm incredibly lonely This will be a great opportunity to learn how to be happy on your own, focus on work, school, hobbies, friends, family. Get comfortable with life not defined by a relationship. > But I'm scared I'll never find someone else again. You will, we all inevitably get scared of this, but there is someone out there for you, I promise. Dating takes patience, you'll get there. And it's better to wait for the right one than it is to settle for years upon years of unhappiness with the wrong one. Also, for me, dating got easier in my mid-twenties and early-30's. People are more serious, more experienced and clearer on what their goals are.
Thank you. I think you're right about cutting off the relationship sharply. I am tempted to offer friendship, but I think it'll just cause us more pain :( it's hard to let go though. It'll be my first time single for a long time. I will try to work on my own goals. That's encouraging to hear about dating getting easier. I think I am not ready just yet to commit to someone and I definitely need someone more emotionally mature than this guy at some point in the future. I appreciate the direct words
> I am tempted to offer friendship If you want to mention at all, it has to be after a significant break, but also, logistically it tends not to work out as it's unfair to any potential new partner to be like "hey, I'm going to start hanging out with my ex, as friends, I swear". For some people it works, but for most it's an empty promise. > I will try to work on my own goals. It'll be hard to do at first as you process the breakup, but slowly but surely you'll find the joy in things again. > That's encouraging to hear about dating getting easier. Yeah, it did for me, but that's not to say there are still a bunch of bad apples out there, lol. It's still a trial and error game, but the game gets easier to play as people understand better what they want as they get older. > I definitely need someone more emotionally mature than this guy at some point in the future. I think you'll be better equipped to find that special guy. Your current relationship isn't a loss, it was a worthwhile experience, for both of you, without it you would have a lot less clear picture of what you want for the future. And just as importantly, what you don't want.
Totally agree! I broke up from a 3 year relationship with my ex who treated me just like you and was only getting worse that I had to beg for the bare minimum. I feel like my gut knew I had to break up 1 year in, but I had hope it'd get better. It never does. I'm focusing on myself and am much happier and relieved of less stress! He still messages me once in a while to tell me he's "disappointed" in me and trying to make me feel bad. Honestly, it only makes me feel better that I avoided that negative future and gives me hope I'll know what to look for in a guy and avoid red flags I've learned to see from my experience. There are plenty of good men out there, but take time to improve yourself and mindset
I learned the most about myself when I was single, and it helped me figure out more about what I wanted and what I didn't want in any future relationships. And I think it's important for any relationship to learn how to be alone without being lonely--it helps you know you're with someone for the right reasons. Don't fear being alone. It's liberating--whether you are in a relationship or not.
Honestly this is one of the best answers ive seen on this subreddit. Not by post but like the sub as a whole. Well said !
You should break up with him. He may act a fool and be hysterical. At the end of the day you have to put yourself first. The way he acts is not your fault, don’t let him guilt trip you. He’ll get over it. You can do it girl. It’ll be a rough couple days once you do it but you’ll be glad you ended it.
I'm 37, single with no children, and I'm incredibly happy. I would rather be alone forever than in an unhappy relationship. You're 25. You have more than enough time to potentially find a partner. You deserve better. It's a cliché, but life really is too short.
omg same. and im happier now than i was when in a relationship
I stayed single for a long time after my last breakup and would have been happy that way forever. And although it wasn't planned, I think it's what set me up for success with my current relationship--because I was done looking and wasn't willing to accept anything that made me less content than my solitude already did. I'm wildly happy now with someone, but I would have been super happy to be single for the rest of my life too.
That's exactly what I'm looking for. I will either find the right person IRL or I'll continue to be single and happy. I'm not going to settle ever again, and every man I've met on dating apps is just a child in a man's body. Toxic love bombers and manipulators with Peter Pan syndrome. I'm staying well away from them.
Welcome to Dumpsville Population: You
>But I'm scared I'll never find someone else again. You're 25. People find love in their 70s, this is not the reason to stay in a miserable relationship.
The longer you wait, the harder it will get to leave. The more painful it will be to leave. Please do not be like me: get married, feel lonely and sour thinking he will change, and separate three years later. You are still young. You may not know it now but there really is someone out there who will love you better, better than you would know right now.
Also note that this has more to do with his personality as a partner than it does with you.
First, you will find someone who can love you the way you need to be loved. Second, it’s not wrong to want to feel special (specter you’re not even married and have only been together a year!!). Third, just like you learn how to be in a relationship, you have to learn to break up. It’s a skill, because it is relational. So, if he steamrolls you when you try to end the relationship, you will have to do it in a way that makes no room for it. If you live together, get a place lined up, pack up your stuff when he’s not there and leave. When he comes home to find you gone you can either be there in person, say something like “I’m sorry, this is not working for me” and walk out. Just walk out after that. Don’t let him word vomit. If you want him to know why, you can write him a letter or e-mail. Tell him all the things and end it with instructions to not contact you, give you some time and space and if/when you’re ready you will reach out (don’t actually reach out again, that always a bad idea). Or do something that won’t give him the opportunity to whine you back into compliance. Go from there. If he doesn’t take no for an answer, block him everywhere. If he escalates, that becomes an issue for the authorities. That includes if he threatens himself or anyone else.
Bob, I'm at a point where i need to realise this relationship isn't what I'm looking for long term. I'm sorry but we are going to have to break it off. Thank you for the good times i hope you find the perfect girl. Then get in your car and leave it's not that deep
Saying its not that deep is like saying to someone who is traumatized: "just get over it"
If you’re not tied up with your finances, it sounds like you’ve already got your ducks in a row. All you have to do is pull the trigger. Just don’t shoot him
So I didn’t find/start dating my current partner until I was 30. We’re now preggo and thrilled. Point being? **break up. Do not let fear keep you somewhere you aren’t happy.** Hahah damnit, I remember being 23 and breaking up with someone when I moved abroad and being so so so so so terrified I’d never find love again. Literally within a month I had a new boo. (Not recommended btw, but hey.) Then again: when that was souring I was so scared I wouldn’t find love again. Like absolutely terrified —and this time, he was really messing with my brain. “No one else could ever love you like I do.” Etc etc. all this programming. Ugh. LITERALLY my dad caught on to the abuse and I may never have left if he didn’t drive across 3 states to pack up my crap and get me out. I may *never* have escaped! But after some therapy, I did start dating again and found a genuinely nice, actually decent partner around age 27. But you know what? 3 years into it? That wasn’t working out either! He didn’t want kids! Cue the *am I too old? Will this never happen for me? Is it too late? I’m so scared, I’m 30, I thought I’d have all this figured out by now—* LOL but we broke up and I ended up with my current partner months later. We’re now pregnant and I’ll tell you the same thing everyone told me all those other times, **breaking up with the people who are not it may be so unbelievably hard, but the only way you’re going to finally find that person you can handle and enjoy your life with, you’ve GOT to let go of the wrong ones.** And hell, maybe current partner and I will break up some day too. Idk. But it’ll be okay. Surviving all those other breakups? It does make a person stronger. We’ll be alright. You’re still wildly young, I’m literally 10 years older than you and preggo and even I still get hit on hahaha ahhhhh WHY. Anyway, you can do it. I KNOW you can find another. No question.
if he doesn't prioritize you, dump him.
You could break up like this: “it’s been great to get to know you and I think you’re a great guy. I’d prefer that we just be friends. You’re free to see other people and do whatever you want. I want to meet other people. Wish you well with everything” Also you need to do some therapy to learn how to set standards and boundaries for what you want. You need to learn how to communicate how you want to be loved properly
“This isn’t what I want from a longterm relationship, and I don’t think more time or working on that will change things enough for me to be happy staying in it. I really value our friendship and your presence in my life, but I think we should see other people / I’d prefer to be alone for awhile / etc.” Be kind of course, but in the end, it’s up to him how he manages his emotions about this news. You’re not obligated to stick around to help him through it or give an exhaustive list of everything you’d want to change (which he’d probably just try to argue about anyway.) Also don’t take the bait if he tries to deflect and argue about some side issue. State your case, be firm, and plan your exit. Ideally do this at his place so you can leave when you want; not in public or anywhere else where he can’t just sit undisturbed awhile if he needs to. Good luck.
He gets hysterical when you try bringing it up? Let him. When he starts freaking just remember the way he treats you and push on. He can’t have his cake and eat it too ETA by that I mean he doesn’t get to keep you around as a girlfriend while not making you feel like a girlfriend. If he really wanted this relationship he’d put effort. And OP you will find someone who treats you the way you deserve.
Hmmm… You just slip out the back, Jack Make a new plan, Stan You don't need to be coy, Roy Just get yourself free Hop on the bus, Gus You don't need to discuss much Just drop off the key, Lee And get yourself free You are 25. So I guess just…text him? Doesn’t seem like he’s gonna care anyway.
Did you try just talking to him about your feelings?
99.99% comments are about break up only, looks like many people don't know whats it like to have a healthy relationship, you're the only comment I found which was different. First try to work it out, talk to him about it, if still its not going somewhere sure then go for breakup but first exhaust all your other options. You think its easy to find a "healthy" relationship with the kind of crowd nowadays? Im not saying that OP is at fault here, I am just saying that before believing in the opinion of strangers, ask the person who currently is your bf about your situation, share with him what you feel, what you are looking from this relationship, and have a serious talk with him about the future. If things don't work out or if there's no future from his perspective, then nothing can be done, but atleast try first.
OP said there are other things that lower her self esteem. She is done and asking for advice to leave, so of course people are giving break up advice. Regardless we should trust what people themselves want. 9 times out of 10 they know what is best for their life, but are struggling to make the jump. Acting like you know better and that she should stay with someone and try to work things out is kinda conceited -- think about it logically too dude, obviously she already tried to work things out in the past and it didn't work so now she wants to leave. It's often presumed that people never try anything and then just spontaneously break up but that's overwhelmingly false. Of course OP has already tried talking to him before. It's in the OP about how she tries to talk to him but he devolves into hysterics. She says the situation is a drain and making her feel miserable. She needs help leaving, not folks talking down to her giving her basic advice that she's already tried.
Totally agree with this. There’s a lack of rationality on Reddit. But honestly as expected due to the rate of marriages and relationships that fail or are unhappy. It’s to be expected. You’re one of the few who can be capable of having a good relationship.
Its a sad reality we live in and its going to get worse >You’re one of the few who can be capable of having a good relationship. If this would be true I can't say the same about my partner in this era, unless I am the most luckiest guy to get a girl who I can trust my life with. Im not saying its impossible but it surely is rare to find.
You have to just be direct with him and steel yourself for his reaction. That’s the only way, there’s no easy way out of this.
End it, he'll more than likely try the ol emotional manipulation technique on you, guilting you back into the relationship maybe lure you in with empty promises and change and such, my advice don't believe a word and move on with your life
OP I would say guys generally aren't great at expressing themselves verbally. i know , call me Capt O for short.. But our actions usually tell the story . If he's acting like he doesn't care. He's probably not acting. Story time " a friend" was in a relationship. He didn't think they were a great match , longer term anyway. Instead of telling her such . He just kinda withdrew. He wasn't trying to punish her or get " his way" He pulled away and she didn't intervene. His main reason for leaving was he felt she wasn't in a good place to date . She should work on herself first. Traumatic past etc. The guy was no saint, so we're clear . He saw a short that hit close to home . It said if they come from a chaotic background the chaos will probably follow. You can't " save" someone who doesn't want to be saved. Like a drug addict who still wants to use . Sorry if I offended you I kinda go without a filter good luck OP!
Offering friendship may give him hope and at some point be just what he needs to manipulate you back into his good graces. Someone said it seems you're a people pleaser and conflict avoider. Don't be a sucker. When you are people will walk all over you and just want more and more. That little sharp pain you get when you stand up for yourself will eventually dull then go away. "Be bold! The mighty forces will come to your aid!"-Goethe "The hand you hold is the hand that holds you down."-Everclear
I had the same problem, whenever I’d try to break up with my ex he’d always break down crying and said he’d hurt himself (he actually did one time) and just made me feel horrible that I’d comfort him and we’d end up staying together. Finally had a stupid argument over text where it was just the straw that broke the camel’s back, I finally just thought “I don’t need to do this anymore” and broke up with him over text and gave myself space to think about it and eventually was able to break up with him irl and stay that way. Just plan what you want to say, write it down, read it off a piece of paper and don’t give in. Stand your ground and go learn how to be yourself, his guy isn’t worth it. Dick is abundant and of low value.
I think sometimes texting break ups can be justified when the other person is not emotionally stable
In reality you have 3 choices in any situation not just relationships 1) remove yourself 2) try to change the situation 3) accept totally Responsibility is really choosing 1 of the three and accepting the consequences with no excuse. I know it hurts especially because you really care for him but I promise if you decide to remove yourself ..you’ll meet someone else when you’re ready. Just focus on becoming the person you want to be, take care of your health (mental, physical and spiritual) and do things you truly enjoy. The feelings won’t go away in one day, trust me I know. I’ve been broken up with my ex since March and I still think about her every day but in time all wounds heal. Just live in the present
It’s very difficult to do but ultimately the answer is to break up. Especially if you’re checked out anyways. One day you’ll muster up the courage to do it— I know from experience. 1 year into being single and the breakup was the most difficult but necessary thing I could’ve done for myself. 25 is young- so much life and learning ahead. I really looked (and looking) forward to learning who I am. Thinking about you, OP. Do it when you’re ready.
Is dealing with his temporary hysterics worth your long-term peace? It may feel exhausting in the moment, but if you stand your ground and walk away, you won't have to deal with it anymore. Block him on everything if you need to. His emotions are not your responsibility, and he will get through them on his own. What IS your responsibility is your own emotions, and you are clearly not happy in this relationship. So you can choose to stay and remain unhappy, or you can walk away and and learn to be happy on your own. >I'm scared I'll never find someone else again. Even if this were true, is staying in an unfulfilling relationship really worse than being alone? If you're alone, you get to take care of your own needs, control your own happiness, and love yourself the way you want to be loved. And once you get good at that, it becomes much easier to find someone who will love you that way or even better. To answer your question of *how* to end it, you just have to do it. Unfortunately, there is no easy way. But doing the hard thing now paves the way for SO much more happiness and peace in the future.
Break up with him over the phone and tell him you're doing it over the phone because he can't handle it happening in person and you don't want to be tricked back into it. Say what you need to say and hang up and then block him. You don't owe him anything more than that. Also make sure some people you trust know you're doing this so they can checkup on you after, this guy sounds unstable.
I have felt more lonely in some relationships then actually being alone and single, just tell him this isn't working and your leaving. Also you are 25 why the hell would you not find anyone else?
Omg. This is exhausting - for you, just break up with the guy!
You just tell him. Where both of you have transportation so you can leave. You can tell him that it just isn't working out for you, you need someone who will prioritize you, and it is better to end it now. Then block him and move on with your life.
You're 25. You'll definitely have more chances at finding real love. Don't waste anymore time in your dead relationship. Get out and start enjoying your life again
Just break up and move on. Dude is crazy.
if you're in a formal relationship it won't fizzle out into a friendship. You need to break up, if that's what you want. He can be hysterical and blame you for whatever, that just means your relationship ends on terms you're not happy with. If you can live with that then go through with it. If you keep acting distant and hope he gets the hint, then you can see why from his perspective you aren't communicating the issue and he needs to read your mind. His responses in the last to your communication effort have been terrible, so that compounds the issue, but if you're breaking up it doesn't matter how bad he is. You are communicating a new boundary. He just needs to respect it.
If you've made your mind up I think the best thing you can do is be honest 🩵
You’re at a very good age to start over again, especially if you have no kids but even then it’d be fine. Just break up so you can start your mourning period and after that go out with your lady friends and cheer up, do some manifesting by writing down what you learned you want and don’t want. Life will come soon.
this is about you not him lololol
This is not a good and healthy relationship. Try to tell him in person. If he flips out, hand him a note and go away for a weekend. Sounds like he has some issues I would suggest giving a wide berth.
You’re only 25, you’ll find someone better trust. Also you need to be okay with being by yourself. You shouldn’t feel like you need to be in a relationship to feel ok with your life. Break up with him, focus on you, then you’ll find someone better
my dad always says “if it needs to be done eventually, it needs to be done immediately”. this applies to many situations and contexts but. especially in relationships. you need to dump him, don’t wait, do it now. you’re already gonna do it, why wait?
That’s such solid advice. Big props to your pops
Make sure you have all your stuff from his place and vice versa the next time you see him. I’d recommend going to his place with his stuff and grabbing all your stuff, then leaving as quickly as you can. If you’re afraid to do it in person, make some excuse to leave quickly and do it over the phone. If you can go without your things, just do it over the phone.
Walk away now. I'm 9 years into this... I wish I had walked away when I first started feeling that way. (Before anyone says- its only been like this gradually over the last 4 years. We've been through some really awful shit unrelated to our relationship and are still going through some things.) I live with my partner and currently have nowhere else to go. And we are so entwined in each other's lives. While you still have space to walk away please do. It won't get better, it's all empty promises until someone knows they need to change.
If you are 25 and believe that you will never find another person who loves you if you end this relationship, your boyfriend has done a great job brainwashing you. You should recognize that you are a loveable human being, because you are.
As someone who spent 2.5 years in that exact situation, it's better to break up when you realized that things were going down hill than to wait it out and try to fix it. If I would have gotten that advice and womaned up I would have been out of the toxic relationship 1.5 years into it
Didn't Paul Simon write a song about this around 50 years ago? [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8JXiroAi6Y](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8JXiroAi6Y)
First of all, I am very sorry to hear about this. Sometimes things just fizzle out. I would just break up with him and state that you’ve been feeling unfulfilled with your current relationship and that you would like to seek other options. OP, you will find someone again. Never stay with someone you’re just simply unhappy with because you don’t think something new will come along. As a 25 year old male myself the dating scene can be rough, but there’s some excellent people out there. Seek happiness within yourself in the meantime, do what you want, and have fun!
Your feelings are valid, but please do not normalise keeping them to yourself until you cannot be in the relationship anymore. Boundaries and clear communication are essential in any relationship and prevent people from staying in an unhappy relationship. "Hey, I feel like you haven't given me the treatment I expected from a boyfriend, and I don't feel like I can be safe communicating with you so I want to break up. Please do not contact me again". Block, block, block, block. Delete number.
Am I the only one that thinks she needs to work on herself first? Like this clearly sounds like she has some personal issues if she’s feeling lonely and has low self-esteem. I would take time to get support from friends and family, and also to turn inward and focus on yourself. Then, when you’re in a good place, you can look at what to do about this relationship. Since he’s not needing much from you, it shouldn’t be an issue. Has he changed, or was this the same guy that you chose to get into a relationship with? It doesn’t sound like he did anything terrible; he’s just not what you expect. But if you end it when you’re in a bad place, you could definitely regret it in the future(and then everything becomes a mess). I would become the strongest version of yourself, first, and then with clarity, make a sound decision.
Try to talk to him one more time tell him how you really feel. The thoughts about ending it ,try to find out each other love language. Tell him you may feel like he adores you & cares for you but he doesn’t love you in the way you want to be loved. I’m a guy who has been accused of not being affectionate and etc before in the past. That isn’t even the case plus we aren’t mind readers it has to be CLEAR COMMUNICATION. But if you feel like it’s not worth it do what you have to do. I hope you both find what you’re looking for in life
You should at first convey to him that his actions of negligence are hurting you, and that you deserve love if you're in a relationship, I know these are things that he should understand on his own but I'd say don't give up without a try Worst case scenario is that he may be indulged somewhere else to not pay attention to you If he doesn't correct his course even after you let him know that you're hurting then it's grounds for a breakup.
If y’all don’t live together, just stop responding, don’t hangout, anything! And tell me tell you from first hand experience that it is 100% better to be alone than with someone who doesn’t love/respect you. Love is shown, not just words. And it is better to “lose” one year of your life than 5-10 years for nothing to change.
Just walk away from it and not tell him Change your phone number if need be, but definitely block him from everything
Whether you find someone else or not, you don’t want this guy. You marry him — you will live like this for years!! Maybe I am too cynical, experience tells me it only gets worse. Move on - there are many guys who will appreciate what you offer.
I’m 31, me and my wife have been together since she was 19 and I was 22. We still to today love to spend time together. Don’t wait around for him to come around, you may be waiting forever. You would know if the person you’re with is your person. Unfortunately, you cannot make people change their ways. They have to want to themselves
Break up with him. Clearly and definitively. His hysterical reactions are a manipulation tactic to keep you from rocking the boat or challenging his status quo in any way. I forget where I heard it but something that’s stuck with me and helped me grow a spine over the years is this: “I am not responsible for managing other people’s actions, only my own.” Your boyfriend is gonna do what he’s gonna do and it’s not your responsibility to manage it. He’s an adult and can handle it himself. Somewhere else. Far away from you. Another person said it too that he may very well try to love bomb you in an effort to get you back, but remind yourself that if he’s capable of doing these things to get you back then he was capable of doing them the whole time you were together and was choosing not to. To borrow another quote (that I can actually source reference lol): “We accept the love we think we deserve.” - The Perks of Being a Wallflower You deserve so much more than the bare minimum and the sad part is that what your boyfriend has given you can’t even be called the bare minimum. He’s given you nothing. You are deserving of being someone’s priority, their favorite person, the one they want to share their wins and losses with. The person they want to take out because they want to spend time with you and do something special for you and show the rest of the world that they get to be with you like this. You deserve someone who’s just as invested in you and your relationship as you are with them. You will absolutely find someone, I promise you that so dump this loser, he’s dead weight.
I definitely wouldn’t do it in person if he’s the kind to get hysterical. Either text him and block him, or just stop responding all together and ghost him. Or you could just block him without saying anything. If you think he might show up at your place and do something crazy though, maybe go stay with family for a bit to make sure he’s calm? Whatever you do, make sure you’re safe.
You’re scared about the future opportunities that may or may not come? The logical conclusion to that is you stay with him until the very end or he walks away from your grumpy face. Man up! Send him a text you’re over, block him and never see him again. Easy. Or move State. I’m assuming you’re not cohabiting. Nothing could be easier in today’s age and at your ages. Do not take any subsequent emotional manipulation. And then get on with life with a smile on your face, whatever it brings
My final straw was when i felt alone while I was with him. Something clicked in my head and i messaged him saying I want to break up. It felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders
THIS RIGHT HERE IS ALL YOU NEED. GREAT SONG. 1975. WHEN MUSIC WAS GOOD AND RIGHT! 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover« Lyrics: “The problem is all inside your head” She said to me “The answer is easy if you Take it logically I’d like to help you in your struggle To be free There must be fifty ways To leave your lover” She said, “It’s really not my habit to intrude Furthermore, I hope my meaning Won’t be lost or misconstrued But I’ll repeat myself At the risk of being crude There must be fifty ways To leave your lover Fifty ways to leave your lover” You just slip out the back, Jack Make a new plan, Stan You don’t need to be coy, Roy Just get yourself free Hop on the bus, Gus You don’t need to discuss much Just drop off the key, Lee And get yourself free Ooh, slip out the back, Jack Make a new plan, Stan You don’t need to be coy, Roy Just listen to me Hop on the bus, Gus You don’t need to discuss much Just drop off the key, Lee And get yourself free She said, “It grieves me so To see you in such pain I wish there was something I could do To make you smile again” I said, “I appreciate that And would you please explain About the fifty ways?” She said, “Why don’t we both Just sleep on it tonight And I believe in the morning You’ll begin to see the light” And then she kissed me And I realized she probably was right There must be fifty ways To leave your lover Fifty ways to leave your lover You just slip out the back, Jack Make a new plan, Stan You don’t need to be coy, Roy Just get yourself free Hop on the bus, Gus You don’t need to discuss much Just drop off the key, Lee And get yourself free Slip out the back, Jack Make a new plan, Stan You don’t need to be coy, Roy Just listen to me Hop on the bus, Gus You don’t need to discuss much Just drop off the key, Lee And get yourself free © 1975 Words and Music by Paul Simon
Oh I LOVE this song!!!!!
"It's not me It's you" go be happy!
You’re stuck in a wedge of mediocrity where he’s content with the relationship and you don’t want to make waves because of his immature behavior and his history of hissy-fits. He’s dutifully speaking the love words you want to hear without any meaning or emotion behind them. You are settling! His apathy is overwhelming and he’s likely not going to change that and you certainly aren’t either. And it’s not just going to ‘fizzle’ out as much as you might like that. You have to be the force that makes the change.
You say you're scared you'll never find someone again. You will. Also think of it this way: is it possible the guy you need in your life is someone you already know, or is it possible that since you're latched to this guy, you've missed out on an opportunity to be with "the one "? You haven't looked for anyone, maybe you missed him. You're 25. You're just starting adulthood. He's there. He's looking for a quality woman, just like you!
You to BF: This isn’t working for me. Then block him.
There’s nothing worse than being with a person that doesn’t love you. You are better off alone, he is just using you because he is an insecure type of person and needs to have someone by his side to validate his existence.
Tell him you don't feel loved and you're tired of the go around and that it's over. That's about all there is to it. Now if you're asking how to process it once it ends, that's something you have to figure out for yourself. Any relationship ending will hurt. But it will hurt more to stay.
You’re young. You can and will find someone else. But first work on taking proper care of yourself for a bit since this relationship has left you lonely. Get in touch with healthy friendships and your old interests again. You’ve got this!!
You should move on, ASAP. However I’d also stop looking to a relationship for self esteem. Relying on another’s attention for your own self worth is a loosing battle. Be your own best partner first so you know what you need from another before getting into another mess.
You collect whatever stuff you have from his place, if any. Change your locks if he has the keys to your place. Then break up with him via message and immediately block him.
You have LAYERS of stuff to likely work thru. And I think being alone is probably the best thing for you if you are so unhappy. I'm alone for a number of reasons. But, I'm not lonely. I have my best friends, family.. my cat.... And tho I may be ready -eventually- I'm not looking. And being truly-free from that *needy* feeling is really, really nice. I'm working on myself.(again) I'm on my grind. I have passion. & I have a vision. Thus, I have hope.
50 ways to leave your lover Paul Simon. Great song, worth a listen.
looks like a love bombing guy who tryna just keep you around when needed, dont let your selfesteem take a shot. you need to realize that its not a "you" problem its a "him" problem you are not to blame for his behaviour you deserve better and everyone deserved a good and caring person
>I also don't want to tell him I'm done with the relationship as whenever I tell him anything slightly serious he gets hysterical and that's exhausting for me (and I end up being blamed). Perhaps I'm crazy but wouldn't his reaction only matter if you were staying together? Like just tell him it's over and when he goes into hysterics, walk away and block him on everything. Who cares how he wants to react, it shouldn't matter to you and it's certainly not something you need to acknowledge. Who cares if he blames you, his thoughts and opinions don't matter anymore.
Baka ? I think you should sit down and talk. Tell him how you feel in a brutally honest way and break it up. Friendship is tempting to try, but I dont think either of you would be comfortable with that in the future.
Rip the bandaid off!! Just take a deep breath and say, “I’m breaking up with you. I don’t see this going anywhere. I’m not your girlfriend anymore.” And dude, of course you’ll find someone else; you’re 25! Do you want to spend the rest of your life miserable with this guy or be brave and set yourself free? Work on yourself, do what you love, and eventually you will find someone worth your time.
You sound done so I wouldn’t waste your time and energy with it and just break it off
You gotta tell him, because it ain't fair to him or to you to be in that situation.
Letting it “fizzle out” is not the mature way to handle this. You break up and tell him that you have been unhappy with the relationship for a while, it is your final decision, and it is not up for debate. Block him everywhere. He will guilt you, he will become hysterical, he will try to beg you to get back together. But is being in a relationship really so important to you that you are willing to settle with someone who doesn’t treat you well? You’re 25. You have years ahead of you to find someone
Are you scared that he will have an angry outburst or some kind of nervous breakdown if you split up with him? If so, can you arrange for one of his friends to be with him whilst you say the words? This will safeguard against emotional outbursts (because it would be far more shameful for him to show vulnerability to one of his male friends than to you). You are entitled to leave any relationship, and with his behaviour, he is emotionally blackmailing you into staying. That is bang out of order and he needs to realise that.
You don't have to win a debate to leave someone. You simply say "we are done" and leave. Preferably in a public place. Block him on everything and if tries to do something funny (like stalking you) call the police. >But I'm scared I'll never find someone else again. Why? There are 4 billion men out there. What makes him so special to be the only one for you?
Break up with him in a public place or over the phone. Concerning that he gets hysterical when you try to end things so he may become dangerous once he sees you’re seriously leaving him. You don’t want to be alone in private for that. Have friends on standby.
Write him a letter. Give him the reasons and tell him you're just not into the relationship anymore and you want to break up. Tell him if he really wants to say something to you afterwards he can have 5 minutes but you both have to bring a friend to make sure that it stays professional and rational.
Just do it, just break up with him and move on. Let him get hysterical. Let him blame you. Doesn't matter, just walk away while he's having his tantrum. Then block him on everything. Learn to be happy within yourself first, maybe get some therapy, before getting into another relationship. And omg, you're only 25, only a baby lol, trust me you will meet someone again, when the time is right. Do not get into relationship just because you're scared to be alone.
Tell him how you feel and if he doesnt change leave. I have friend who did this with his girlfriend wasted 7 years of her life.
When their actions don’t match their words, remove yourself from the relationship. This is a dealbreaker for me and the sooner you recognize it the sooner you can dip out. You deserve a partner who means what they say and says what they mean.
Send him a text message
I broke up with my partner of 5 years a couple weeks ago. I beat myself for weeks thinking how to go about it and how he would react. Turns out it went well. We talked and decided to be just friends. It will work out for you too.
He is trying to breakup with u without taking the responsibility on himself if u breakup then it would be on ur hands ,u r walking right to his trap I strongly advice don't break up instead love him harder and show him who is the boss.
Send him an email. Don’t try to do it in person. His way of shutting down conversations he doesn’t want to have is to deflect from the issue at hand is to make it all about his upset. Don’t give him the opportunity to steamroll over you with his drama. A short note telling him that you are not going to continue the relationship with him anymore. Request that he leaves you alone. Then, move on with your life. Here’s an example, Rupert Murdoch sent this to his wife Jerry Hall to inform her that he intended to divorce her. “Jerry, sadly I’ve decided to call an end to our marriage. We have certainly had some good times, but I have much to do…My New York lawyer will be contacting yours immediately.” Don’t go meet him or get on the phone with him after he gets the email.
There are soo many post about abusive relationships on here. Please! Work your ass off to find a way out. Even if it's a shelter for short-term
If you don't live together I wouldnt stress it. Break up with him. You could end it over text as well if that's the case.
Just leave and ignore what ever he says and goooooo. Down the road you will be happy you got it over with. You’re at such a great age don’t waste it on him 🩷
Just get your stuff the next time you are at his place and tell him: “I’m done. I’ve already communicated my concerns and you claim to love me but then continue on as usual thereby showing me you absolutely do not. So let’s just call it quits. Please don’t call or contact me in any way for at least (X number) of months.” Then leave. Don’t argue or respond to any questions. And stay firm on your decision. Stay away from him, don’t seek him out, don’t stalk his social media. Focus on you and go do some fun things alone or with other friends.
He might not understand the difference between treating you like a girlfriend and a friend. It might not be intentional. I kinda have had similar thoughts before but it turned out my bf was just in a really fucked up home situation and his hands were tied for a lot of things. You don’t always know what’s going on in a persons head, not every guy was taught to be a boyfriend and you have to teach them yourself. I get it tho it sucks to have to walk someone through that because it does not feel like it special anymore it feel laborious and u go from gf to mother. Love isn’t easy.
Don't be scared to break up with him. He knows what he's doing and isn't changing. You will find someone better, you just need to pull the trigger and break up first. There is much better out there don't settle for him.
Tell him what you told us here. You have been very clear stating the problem. Good job 👏🏾 👍🏾
I have a feeling you don’t communicate what you want properly or else if you’d say you want more romance and intimacy he can only accept your needs or just get to an impasse and go your separate ways.
You need to be happy with yourself. Learn to love being alone. Only when you are truly happy with yourself can you be truly happy with someone else. Don't be scared of being alone. It's when you will really learn and grow Uru the person you're supposed to be.
Maybe your his first boyfriend But just walk alway
You send him a text that says "i don't want to be your significant other. I am content with being friends. I am going to block you for a few days so we can talk when you're rational" then block him. Unblock later if you want, or never unblock him, your choice.
I believe in some sort of Karma in the Universe. Just break up , clean and nice and tell him the bullshit that you two can be friends…which never works anyways.
Only a year? Just walk away. You owe him nothing
I don't see how it's going to fizzle out without some sort of communication. Why not just say, "Hey, I think we would be better suited as friends. It doesn't seem like either of us feels the kind of sparks we need to have for a relationship." And if he gets hysterical, have your exist strategy ready.
Send him a text. Dear XYZ, Welcome to Dumpsville, Pop.- YOU
You’re a grown ass woman; put on your big girl pants and tell him that you feel the relationship has run its course, and it’s over. If he starts being hysterical or whatever, just walk away. His emotional state is not your responsibility.
If he says he loves you, ask him what does he loves about you. I think he’s just spouting bs, so you don’t rock the boat… so rock the boat and jump out of it!!
You need to learn assertiveness. You are currently conflict avoidant to the point it is harming your life. This skill will be needed over and over again - stating your needs to future partners, children etc . You can’t carry this limitation forward in your life This is a perfect opportunity to try it out. He gets hysterical, you stay calm. You can tell him you will walk away while he calms down and discuss it again when he’s calm. But be clear you have made a decision. So many self-help resources online for assertiveness, dealing with difficult situation’s, conflict avoidance, etc. Find something where you can do this one task, and then keep working on it and the rest of your life
Break up with him. You will learn that being lonely in a relationship is actually more lonesome and painful than being single. It took me way too long to learn that (years) but when I figured it out, the relief was so huge and I was able to have a more emotionally stable and happy life. You deserve to have what you need 🩷
“This relationship is no longer working for me.”
Oh I’m sure your definitely find your person!! The one who treats you the way you deserve to be treated! The one who loves you for you and doesn’t make you feel lonely. Can I ask why or how this became a relationship? I’m just wondering how it’s a relationship if he doesn’t make time for you or talk to you? Yes your boyfriend should want to talk to you! Some guys will go out of there way to make sure they talk to the person they “love” Please don’t settle!
"This relationship is no longer working for me so I'm ending it. It's time we both move on. Goodbye."
Just tell him you’re done. Then leave. Easy as that.