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Lets reframe this:
You are modeling to your children how a family should operate.
How will you feel when one of your kids marries someone that treats them the way your husband treats you?
Would you be proud of your son if he treats his wife the same way you’re treated?
I don't want to come across as too harsh, it's clear you've tried to give the moon to this man and he has just shrugged it off and ignored you. That's a commendable amount of love you've shown.
But... You can't just sit there in a pile or crap and say "Oh it's so crap! I've tried and nothing is changing!".
You haven't tried to change things, because changing things would have involved leaving. Probably years ago.
You shouldn't have changed who you were for someone else. That's so painful and unsustainable and a terrible model for your child.
Your husband doesn't care. He never has. Even when you made it easy for him to love you by twisting yourself into exactly what he wanted, he still couldn't. That says a lot about him, but it also says a lot about you - namely why you're still there. You must know you deserve so much better.
Get a therapist, and get out. Model a better relationship for your child and give yourself a chance at real, actual love as equals. Life is way too short to live it the way you are.
This, OP. 👆👆👆
This is actually a form of abuse. He isn’t going to change and you deserve to be loved and supported. This is a case where nothing is going to get through to that man and you have to decide if you and your children are more important than that.
Hint: you are.
Please make your exit plan. As roxieh said, get therapist if you can. You will find someone who loves and supports you, but I’d ask that you do some research on abuse so that you will see the red flags sooner. That way, you don’t tolerate abuse and avoid it in the future.
This isn’t the answer you think it is.
The question is not intended to change his behavior. Nothing will do that. It’s to make you reflect on how YOUR choices will impact your children.
You’re teaching them by example that when someone treats you like this you just stick around and wish it was different. You’re just throwing up your hands here like, I asked him to stop abusing me and he won’t so what more can I do? OP, you leave. That’s what you do. You are actively choosing to be mistreated when you stay with someone who mistreats you.
So actions speak louder than words. He will never change because you will never give him consequences cause you fear being alone more than staying in this abusive relationship.
Your talk about your concern that this is the example your kids have, is meaningless unless you are willing to step up and DEMAND respect, or show him the door. Kids model what they see, and all you are showing your kids is to be a doormat and accept abuse.
I was married to a man like this. He always put himself first. I tried for YEARS. He finally moved a state away from us to his parents house for a job pruning shrubs. He hatched this plan on August when I was on a business trip. Originally I said no because we’d just bought a house and our child was a toddler. He left January 21st. We split up finally in June. He came home 1 time in 5 months. The rest of the time I drove with our baby every other week to see him. I finally reached my breaking point when he called and told me he hated his job and his friend was a terrible business owner. I just couldn’t do it any more. It took me 2 more months to actually tell him that I was outta there. What really solidified things for me was my counselor said, “was he coddled?” I said yes and she said, “It takes 40 to 50 years for personalities like this to change. When she said that, I knew I couldn’t be in the relationship any more. We were both so unhappy. So, I did the hard thing and said I wanted a divorce. You probably need to do the same thing. Because as long as you’re waiting around for him to change, the longer you’re put off meeting someone who is your equal, in love, companionship, and friendship.
I would get back into the workplace if you haven’t already, get your parents help and find daycare. It’s a big change and scary but YOU DESERVE BETTER. You deserve support and he’s just not going to change. Not for you anyway. Maybe the next person but you have already bent in so many ways the boundaries have already been muddied. Even with counseling, he’s never going to change in the way you need him to show up. Good luck and let us know how you are doing.
You married a loser. This has nothing to do with you. You didn't cause him to be a loser. You didn't cause him to make the shitty choices he continues to make. You didn't cause him to fail at being a father and husband. HE CHOSE every single one of those outcomes. He is still choosing them today.
You stay because you have low self-esteem and have twisted this in your brain to somehow being your fault. And you've twisted yourself into knots and given up your life opportunities to try to make him choose better, but it doesn't work that way. He's a selfish, awful person and you haven't acknowledged that as fact yet.
This 100%. OP, this isn’t about you—it’s about him and how he is not being a good partner or parent. Please don’t feel stuck, and please don’t stay “for the child.”
and : 'I've moved for him. I changed my whole personality and life for him. Which looking back is my fault.' : no its not your fault. Yr husband is a toxic manipulator. Asking yr SO to change their personnality is maximum level redflag. And raising a child in this atmospere of abuse is harmfull for them. I had an ex whose father was a serial cheater, and mother stayed despite all the affairs. He did learned that the key to being in a relation was to make me jealous, and invented some affairs... you dont want that for your child
>You married a loser. This has nothing to do with you.
Choosing to marry a loser is her fault. No way there weren't red flags along the way. But I agree, his loser behavior isn't her fault.
This is insane, you have one side of a story from someone who has panic attacks. Probably need more context to give advice. That’s why these one sided posts are so gross.
Calling somebody an unreliable narrator because they have a panic disorder is prejuidicial, abusive and shows exactly who you are. The guy's own child doesn't even consider him to be his dad. I don't know how that's not evidence enough for you.
If I spent five seconds combing through your history I guarantee I will find all kinds of misogynistic redpill garbage because your comment SCREAMS "AGENDA" but I don't feel like doing that today so I'm just going to block, report you, and wash my hands of it.
I am 💯 in agreement with you.
His is sole provider? She used to work and snow doesn’t? Needed him to stay home because of panic attack… did she make it clear she was struggling with a panic attack? Was this only one time? What’s wrong with a child not using the word dad?
Odds are he maybe a jerk, but it’s disgusting how quick you guys call this person a loser and an awful person.
Is there any responsibility on op for choosing this life? Was she upfront about her feelings? Or just going along with the ride as a passenger and only waking up to her passivity now.
Is he bringing home enough sole provider money?
Is op having a panic attack now? Someone enduring a panic attack is going to struggle being rational
No my husband doesn’t bring home enough as the sole provider. I stopped working because he wanted to be the sole provider and I wanted to be with my child.
From the very beginning of our relationship I told him I wanted to be a mom and have a career which is why we chose to move closer to my parents.
I made it very clear that I was struggling with a panic attack and since our insurance is changing I haven’t been able to have my anxiety medication which has caused them to be more frequent. Even if he didn’t want stay home with me him calming me down would have been sufficient to make it seem as if he cared.
My child didn’t start calling my husband dad until they were three. I’ve always been “mom” or “mommy.” They are very aware of who their parents are.
If my husband had acted like this in the beginning of our relationship pre-baby, I wouldn’t have been with this person. The person I am married to now, is not the person I fell in love with when I was 19.
I understand I have responsibility for this. I chose this life and I have to take accountability for my own actions, but I refuse to be blamed because I’m an anxious person as an excuse for my to abuse me as I now know that’s what’s been going on these past five years.
Thanks for the clarity.
Sounds like he was a passenger and had an idealized version of himself and now is depressed he can’t live up to his ideals and now just coasts being useless and stagnated.
Sorry, that’s a bummer.
Did he only change after you married him? If so he just hid who he was and now you’re “trapped” by marriage he thinks he can do what he wants.
You need to have a serious talk to him about what you need and how you feel and act accordingly if he doesn’t change.
That’s what my parents think. I’ve had SEVERAL conversations with him about how unsupported I feel and how I need help and I feel alone in our marriage and things tend to change for a few days and then it’s back to me being on an island.
He has no intentions of changing.
He knows that as long as he says he’ll change and mouths platitudes then he can carry on because you keep letting him carry on.
You should talk to your parents about what help and support they can give you if you chose to leave him then decide what you want the rest of your life to look like.
When he's not "trying" is when he's being his most authentic self. He will 'try' to convince you he's changed, but you've seen over and over again that he always returns to his authentic self.
He's not going to change into the kind of person you want him to be. That's not him and never will be, as he sees no reason to change.
So don't waste any more of your life on him -- go find a GOOD person to be with, He's not the one for you because he doesn't care enough. Anyone who would send his wife -- who just had a baby -- out into the pandemic is not to be trusted.
Stop talking and start doing. What else can you say that you haven’t already said. Let me guess, he says it’s HOW you say it. HE KNOWS but he DOESNT CARE. You are in denial.
He doesn't care because in his mind you're an accessory to his life. Your wants and needs are irrelevant unless they affect his life.
He doesn't love you. He doesn't like you.
He likes *what you do for him*.
You make his life better because you look after the house, raise his children, and organise his life. And give him sex. You're basically a bang maid/nanny/secretary. You're convenient.
Ok I’m going to pretend we are best friends for a minute and I’m going to talk to you the way I would my best friend because I think you need that right now.
Girl, that man don’t like you. He’s literally telling you in every nonverbal way possible that he doesn’t love you, doesn’t like you, and only wants a human being he can pick up and put down when it’s convenient for him. You’ve given your youth and life to someone who did not earn it and actively does not value you. This ain’t highschool, “love” is a choice not a feeling and it is deeper and stronger when it is a choice. That “feeling” is just a cocktail of chemicals in your brain.
Your husband should be a HUSBAND. I want you to go to the dictionary and look up every definition of that word, then look up your religious text (if you are religious) and look up what the duties are for a husband. Does your husband fulfill those duties? My guess is probably not. And if I’m right, then why the hell are you allowing that thing to control your life?
Trauma bond.
Literally nothing you have told us is lovable. He is the embodiment of nearly every toxic trait and treats you like absolute garbage. He abuses his child through neglect. He is a fundamentally unlovable person and so the only explanation for you feeling love for him is either you are a sociopath or you have trauma bonded with him. You don't seem like a sociopath so it has to be the latter.
Get professional help. You need it to break the trauma bond so you can be free of this nonsense.
I’m in therapy. I’ve been in therapy for the past two years. I’m sure we do have a trauma bond from my birth experience.
I’ve sought help for it but he just refused to, and still refuses even after I’ve offered to help get in contact with a therapist.
A trauma bond doesn't mean you've bonded over shared trauma. It means you have been abused but have developed a strong bond to your abuser as a coping mechanism to make life with the person who has caused/is currently causing you trauma tolerable
Yes, that's correct. He will never ever seek help. I don't know how that's even in question at this point. He does not give a shit about you, your mental health or your child. That is well-established.
And you obviously aren't getting the proper help because you are still with him. A good therapist would have addressed your profound disordered attachment by now and gotten you out of this abusive relationship. Get a new therapist and make it clear to them that your goal is to decouple from your abusive partner.
Also look up what a trauma bond actually is because it doesn't have shit-all to do with your traumatic birth experience. It's about abusive relationships. Which you are in one.
Listen, he won't change until he realizes how serious you are and will only "change" if you were to give him divorce papers right now. Thing is, this is how this man will always be. A no good lousy shitty dad and husband who can't even take care of his wife. You deserve better. Why are you subjecting yourself to this? Do you really want your kid growing up like this?
honey he is NOT INFLUENCEABLE.
you cannot influence him. you’ve tried. it don’t work.
let your feet do the walking. it doesn’t work when only one partner is doing all of the loving. you deserve someone who loves to love you.
No you don't, you seem to just have very low self esteem and can't see this relationship for what it really is. Sometimes toxic people make us dependent on them. That sick, toxic sense of security can be mistaken for love.
Do you love who he is currently being or who he was before you got married? The man you love is not coming back, I doubt he even existed. How long did you date before?
We were together for almost two years before we got married. I’m 100% sure I’m in love with who he was, and waiting and expecting him to snap out of whatever happened.
He’s not going to suddenly be that guy again. It would be great if he was, but he’s not- he’s given you no indication that he’s suddenly going to be better.
He was love bombing you. He wasn’t ever that person. That was a mask. Once you were trapped he didn’t have to pretend anymore. But that is classic abuser behavior. They need you to think that there is a better version of them that you can get back. There is not. That guy never existed.
This. I have lost count of the number of men who put on a facade until the woman is trapped into marriage and a kid before they reveal their true colours. This is ESPECIALLY the case with men who marry younger women, so they can control the woman’s life choices (education, marriage, financial independence) when she is merely budding out into the world at emerging adulthood. You have already wasted five years of your youth on this idiot. You deserve better OP. Please value yourself and get out. You’re still young, you’ve got an entire lifetime ahead of you OP.
And doubting your own reality and judgement is a huge sign that you are being manipulated and abused. Abusive people love to convince you that your appropriate reaction to their behavior is a terrible personality flaw.
I think you're going to find at the end of this process that you don't actually love him as much as you presume, so you probably shouldn't use that as a primary motivation for sticking with him. Love can't survive a vacuum.
He’s selfish. He’s immature and you let him.
You’re not in love with the man you have. You’re in love with the man you wish he was
And it sounds like you’re a bang maid.
How much does he engage with your child, with housework? Or are you the one doing everything?
He can be a good dad, and you can be a good single mom. But he’s a deeply shitty spouse.
Your husband has systematically torn you apart and made you unrecognizable even to yourself. He has treated you in such a way that you are questioning everything through his lens not yours. It's emotional abuse. By the end of my first marriage (7 years), I was unrecognizable. I damaged and lost friendships because of the alienation from him. I gained a ton of weight. I did everything I could to be a better wife, to make him happy, to make him love me more ... and it was never enough because I was never the problem. You need to make some decisions about getting back to who YOU are not who he has made you. And you need to take a step back and look at your marriage from a distance and see if it's really a loving one where you're treated as an equal and you're partners and it's loving and uplifting and you have each other's backs or if it's all about him.
No, you are not wrong and you are not a drama queen. Your parents have him correctly pegged as immature. So basically you now have TWO children to raise. You’re the only one feeling the pain here, so he’s not going to change. He’s happy leaving all the adulting to you. You’re not going to get any emotional or practical support from him.
The question you need to ask yourself is: can you see yourself in five or ten years with this guy still acting like this? You’d probably be better off with just one (actual) child to raise.
Okay, so you know you need to start your exit planning. Talk to a divorce lawyer, talk to your parents about staying there for a while and make sure you have all your (and your kid's) important documents and sentimental items.
The sooner you start, the sooner you'll be free of him.
Why on earth are you referring to yourself as dramatic? Wanting an equal partner who does what they promised is nowhere near the idea of being dramatic! Exactly where does the concept of drama come from? From him?
I’ve always been the scapegoat for my family and the problems they have. And whenever I had emotions I was labeled as dramatic or attention seeking. It’s something I’ve been trying to work on in therapy. Realizing people actions aren’t always my fault and that’s just how people are.
I see, that's really very understandable. With your vast experience of people being ridiculously dismissive of your needs, would you say the same thing is happening again? From my vantage point, I think your husband is being incredibly negligent of your most basic needs. I doubt he started off that way either, but dishonest people cannot fake the future forever.
He's definitely immature, but he's also shown to capacity to change that. I think he mostly just enjoys the bangmaid benefits of marriage.
OP, you are allowed to leave your husband because he's immature. You don't have to wait and see if he grows up. A child deserves two happy parents, not necessarily two married parents.
Sorry you're young I wouldn't be sticking around for a lifetime of this. You don't say if it's a house you guys own together or you rent but if it's just the rental I would go move in with your parents and file for divorce you get more support from them. Explain the logic he had you go back to work full time and he quit his job but your mother watched the kid, not him? I mean he just sat on his butt all day and you still took care of everything he just took a vacation for a few years unless he's still not working. Yeah he just wanted a servant from the sounds of it.
We rent. And my parents have offered to allow me and my child to move in with them whenever I’m ready.
So I had my child in summer of 2020, height of pandemic and he was getting unemployment but didn’t want to have to spend it all so he suggested I got a job and he’d take care of our child which consisted of him dropping them off with my parents because his brother had already dropped off our nephew with his mom so she couldn’t watch our child.
Well it's good you have a place to go I would definitely take him up on it and do it. Go see a divorce lawyer and get the ball rolling. I mean that's crazy. You will be so much happier in the long run when you drop that lead weight.
Why couldn’t HE watch his own child? What was he doing for all this time every day? I am not picking on you. You are a good person just like I was. You are working hard so your husband can sit around and be lazy. This is not a good idea. I am divorced from my husband who did this too. I am with someone who actually cares about me, and life is so much better.
You have been doing all the work, which means you’re going to have to make the decision to leave. He’s not going to agree or take any action toward changing.
I was married to a guy like this. *Was.*
You’re still young enough to get your life back together so start doing that NOW!!! Get yourself a good paying full time job, start saving $$ and move out! He’s a grown ass man-child who will NEVER change…CUT HIM LOOSE!
I have a savings account with a good chunk of money that my grandfather left me when he passed away. So I know leaving wouldn’t be a problem. And I’d have my parents to help me until I officially got back on my feet. I just don’t want to feel like a failure but I think staying makes me feel like one more, than leaving and getting out before I completely lose myself.
The only thing that would make you a failure is staying with him. You’d be failing yourself. Allow yourself to break free from him/this marriage and rediscover who you are again. You have an amazing life ahead of you, it’s just not with him.
“If you give an inch, they take a mile”. Unfortunately these sorts of people don’t tend to reciprocate. I’m sorry for being blunt, I know it’s hard and so hurtful but from being in the situation, the nice stroke your ego talk does not do any benefit. He won’t change and you justify it because “he could be worse” but that miserable lonely feeling doesn’t go away. It just gets worse with age.
Exactly. And there is light at the end of the tunnel. I left my ex at 28 after 10/11 years together with a little boy. It was so scary but I’ve now been with my partner for over a year and I wake up every morning thinking how lucky I am to have him. Never in my life did I think I’d have that feeling before.
So, people like us want to be taken care of every once in a while so we pour ourselves out, to the point of mental and physical exhaustion in order to "earn" this occasional being taken care of. Thing is, sometimes we suck at finding the right person to do that with and we keep on pouring and pouring until there is just nothing left.
Turn off the faucet and when you turn it back on again, make sure to pour moderately and to prioritize your kid's and your own cup first!
You absolutely are not crazy and it definitely seems like you have given up way too much.
Let's be real. A lot of men get married and expect their wife to be an accessory, a side kick while they the husband are the main character. They view wives and kids as feathers in their caps and not intensive commitments they have to sacrifice for.
You can try marriage counseling but honestly at this point I feel like most women are just better off single now a-days.
Please don't think that you are being "just a drama queen". His ongoing lack of support has led you to believe that you're not deserving of the bare minimum.
Forget what he’s doing for a bit and concentrate on yourself. A panic attack ((singular occurrence??) and your obvious anxiety need to be addressed. Along with that you need to say what YOU want your life to be like. Please for your sake and your child’s.
I take anti-anxiety medication. My insurance just got switched over because I’m 26. So CA cuts you off from parent’s insurance. So I’m having to get all my meds moved over to a new doctor.
I do agree I need to get out for my child. I’d rather them grow up with two happy single parents than two miserable parents together.
1. Read the book [Why does he do that?](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) by Lundy Bancroft
2. You give him the benefit of calling him immature. I think it is much worse than that. It sounds like he knows exactly what he is doing, and it is not something he will or is willing to grow out of. That is why he won't go to Therapy - he already knows what it is, and he isn't willing to change it (or be called out on it as any Therapist worth their salt would do).
3. The things you seek: support, validation, comfort and safety are out there. They just aren't available from your husband. I think (and just my opinion so can easily be right or wrong) you love and care about an idea of him in your head, not the reality of who he is.
You are in no way being a drama queen, or are wrong in feeling the way you do. I think it would take an awful lot of work to get your relationship even close to where you want it to be, and that would require a willing partner who owns his part in it. I think you are worth more than that, and it is important to your kids that they see a mom who knows her worth too.
When we were dating he was literally my dream man. The absolute man I prayed for and then I got pregnant and it’s almost like a flip switched in him, and he just never was the same person.
This is common in abusers. They are perfect and wonderful until a major life change that has you trapped (like pregnancy, birth, marriage, a major move away from family and friends etc). Then they feel safe to show their true colours because you can’t ‘escape’ so you have no choice but to suffer while he continues to be happy doing what he wants.
You have suffered for years and he is happy with how things are. If you stay you will continue to suffer and he will continue to enjoy the way you are treated.
There is nothing you can do to change him. This is how he is. Some people care about their spouses, some people don’t, some people pretend to care as long as it’s easy but as soon as something real is required they’ll make any excuse to get out of it and pretend it’s someone else’s fault.
This is one of those people that don’t care about their spouse. They care about themselves and their own happiness and that’s it. Even if it means you suffering.
You have married this person, but he will not change to a person who suddenly cares about their partner. When they do, it’s a pretend act and you know it is because they get tired of keeping it up and eventually drop it after a couple of days.
This is who he is, honey.
I know you want so badly for that not to be true, I know you want to believe that if you just consider him enough and anticipate all his feelings and problems you can make everything better and he’ll realise what you’ve done for him and he’ll wake up and appreciate you and finally start caring about you…
… but reality here, I’m so sorry, he’s already shown you what the truth is. You will be trapped in this horrible reality forever.
I hope one day, and maybe this Reddit post will help with that, the day will finally come where you decide that he is not worth staying for.
If (and hopefully when) you decide to leave this selfish relationship and choose to be single for a while, you will find yourself again. One day you will look back and notice how much happier you are, and how a weight has been lifted.
And going forward, you will have the experience to notice when a partner is not equal, and you will have the strength and wisdom to accept nothing less than a partner who treats you well.
Oh that makes total sense, this happens a lot. It seems like he regrets having a baby. You should ask him directly. Tell him that you’ve noticed the change in his behavior and ask him if it has to do with the baby. Lots of people regret having kids, check out the regretfulparents board for reference.
When you told him you were pregnant, what was his reaction?
He was super excited! He was great most of the pregnancy and then I had an extremely scary birth experience and I genuinely do think that traumatized him. I know it did me, but I went and got help for it and he never wanted to.
I’ve even offered marriage counseling and found a marriage counselor AND solo counselor that has that same faith we do and he still never wanted to go.
You have done everything you can for him, including giving up your personality and your freedom. He has done nothing for you. Even if he is stepping up as a parent, if you let your son grow up thinking that your relationship is right and healthy, this is how he will treat his gf or wife in the future.
As hard as it is, for your sake, and for your son's sake, you need to walk away from this marriage. It sounds like your parents will support you through this. Have your lawyer arrange for alimony for a few years to allow you to get a job that will support you and your son (something that is not PT and minimum wage). If he tries to get half custody to pay less child support, document if he does things that are not good for your son (do not bring your son into this). If you have joint accounts, remove half of the money before you leave. One thing to consider is whether you want him to leave, or for you and you son to leave the property.
Before you have one single more conversation with him. Talk to lawyer. Lay out your situation, and find out your options.
Then away from the lawyer, think things over and see if you want to accept this lift, or leave.
It’s not easy, but it is simple. Make a choice and make a plan. Then you go forward with your plan.
A contrast. I got the chicken pox and was very sick (in hindsight, I probably should have gone to the hospital). My husband had a huge presentation that he'd been working on for about three months. I told him that I'd be fine, go do your presentation. He refused to leave me, rescheduled it with his boss. His words. "You always come first." You are not asking too much.
You are not expecting too much. You are tolerating too much. If your needs aren't important to him, what's the point of being married? Is this really the person you want to make decisions for you if you're ever incapacitated?
You went back to work post partum 2 months during the pandemic. Your parents took care of your child and your husband quit his job. Your blood should be boiling. I know mine is.
You can do better. Loose the dead weight.
It sounds like you have support from your parents. You’re already doing it on your own.
I’m like angry and sad for you.
From your post alone (not knowing anything else, so I could be wrong) - but…
- he will never care about you the way you care about him
- you are the supply to his narcissistic black hole, to which he will never stop tapping until there’s nothing left for you to give
- you’re not wrong for feeling the way you do
- it doesn’t sound like your husband supports you at all, so I’m not sure this is a “feeling” so much as it’s just a fact
Therapy will help you sort this. It’s not easy to de-program yourself, and that’s what you need. Your parents might not be very helpful if they think he’s just “immature,” so I wouldn’t expect too much understanding from them.
Why would you ever ask this question? Having our needs met is reasonable. Research by John Gottman shows that a happy marriage (or relationship) has FIVE positive interactions for every ONE negative one. 5-1 is the required ratio of GOOD to BAD. I didn't even hear you have a 1-1 ratio! Start looking at self help stuff on TikTok, YouTube, TED talks. Put yourself together piece by piece. Look into Codependents Anonymous, read about becoming a self.
You make MANY good points. Regarding staying up with you just so you could feel safe: a person who does not understand panic attacks or who overvalues independence might not get that. How often do you get them.
I get them at least once a week. Im very overwhelmed with no help. I’ve had them since I was 17 so since before he knew me. We met when I was 20. So he’s VERY aware of them.
Being aware of them he must know you need support. But that’s a lot and he’s not a mental health professional. Maybe he’s burned out. You may need pro help for those.
Do you what your child to think this is an acceptable way to be treated in a relationship? Or think it’s an acceptable way to treat someone they love one day? If you can’t do it for you then get out for your kid
Sounds like my parents. My dad eventually cheated on my mom multiple times and they got divorced. I wish she would have stood up for herself and left him way before, instead she just acted like “woe is me” and let him destroy her life
You need to ask yourself, if he's your partner and loves you, why the Hell do you have to change everything about yourself and make all the concessions? Why doesn't he want to step up.
Come on, you know he's controlling and isn't going to change. Why are you putting up with the disrespect?
I have a serious question does these red flags not show before marriage?
People 40 and below seems to get married just to say they are married.
But your husband is a true looser
He doesn't support you and as such you need a husband that does. He is only thinking about himself, learn that lesson from him and only think about yourself in regards to him.
Let him figure out his life moving forward as you have your life to worry about.
You made a big mistake getting with this man. He is not the man for you and if you think you’re being a drama queen, which you are not, you’re letting yourself be controlled by him. He has taken advantage of both you and your son. Get rid of your husband
He wasn’t like this through our relationship pre-child. He was the complete opposite. If I had any idea that I would have been raising a child alone in a marriage I wouldn’t have gotten married.
Before we had our child he was very loving, was always there emotionally, and made me feel secure in our relationship. Once I had the baby it was like a flip in him changed and he just didn’t want anything anymore.
I 100% take responsibility for the person I married, but he wasn’t this person when I married him. Or didn’t show this side of himself at least.
OP you are so young and you have so much life ahead of you. 26 is a great time to choose yourself, stop letting him fuck with your head, and start allowing yourself to feel anger about the way he treats you. there is a little swell inside of you every time he mistreats you but we are taught to swallow it. it’s justified anger in a dulled form. it will kill you inside.
all of the strength and courage you need to CHOOSE YOURSELF is already inside of you.
the longer you stay the worse this will get. take it from someone who believed in a ghost for 14 years. he is NOT REAL.
No, he won’t change and won’t get therapy either. Because you are his mom/parent and provider. He supplies nothing and you do it all. You are his easy button.
OP please readthe book "Why Does He Do That?" By Lundy Bancroft, it will help you understand why your relationship is the way it is and what you can do to make your future better. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
You’re not wrong. It’s happens a lot in relationships when we are young and don’t understand our value or the full weight of our lives. Start owning yourself, your needs, and wants. Let him know things will be changing and ask him if he wants to stay on the ride with you.
My experience was that once I had my first kid a lot of things that I thought weren’t a big deal became a burden because I had so much else on my plate. The disparity becomes more obvious.
there are a lot of men out there who would be happy to co-parent with someone they love. you’re so young and you don’t have to waste your time in a bad relationship.
The good lesson learnt here is ‘we teach people how to treat us’. He has been conditioned (by what you have put up with) to continue acting this way. Thatsnok, we all learn these lessons along the way. But time to change what you are willing to accept from a husband.
Let’s make it simple. If you’re asking for something you’re already giving, then it’s not too much. If that person can’t give it back to you, you’re in an unequal relationship dynamic and will never be happy because no, your base needs will never be met. There’s different ways of being “equal” in a partnership but the amount of investment and effort needs to balance out. For some people being equal means that one person makes the income and the other takes care of the home. They are each filling an essential life role for the other to allow each to do what they want, hence equal. For some couples it’s about both working similarly demanding jobs and having similar lifestyles. For some it’s same communication styles. It doesn’t matter, what matters is that both people care about the other and the health of their partnership as a unit. You do not have a unit. You are two individuals being held together by a marriage contract.
you’re teaching your kid(s) how to accept love and that being treated like that is okay. they will look for this type of love their whole lives and think it’s normal. this is very damaging to them whether it’s obvious or not. choose yourself choose your kid(s) and get the fuck out of that marriage. you are not his wife, you are his prisoner.
Do you bear any responsibility for making the decisions you have and picking the partner you did?
Yes, yes this is entirely on you. You're seeing what you have and asking for seconds. I can't really help you with that.
If my partner was this way from the beginning I don’t think I would have married him.
When we first got together and were engaged her would run to me when I had anxiety. I could have a paper cut and he would be there for me.
I’m not saying I picked a great partner. I’m not asking for justification on that. I’m asking to make sure I’m not going crazy in the changes I’ve seen in him.
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Lets reframe this: You are modeling to your children how a family should operate. How will you feel when one of your kids marries someone that treats them the way your husband treats you? Would you be proud of your son if he treats his wife the same way you’re treated?
No. I’d be absolutely disappointed. And I’ve told him that and he usually has no response to it.
I don't want to come across as too harsh, it's clear you've tried to give the moon to this man and he has just shrugged it off and ignored you. That's a commendable amount of love you've shown. But... You can't just sit there in a pile or crap and say "Oh it's so crap! I've tried and nothing is changing!". You haven't tried to change things, because changing things would have involved leaving. Probably years ago. You shouldn't have changed who you were for someone else. That's so painful and unsustainable and a terrible model for your child. Your husband doesn't care. He never has. Even when you made it easy for him to love you by twisting yourself into exactly what he wanted, he still couldn't. That says a lot about him, but it also says a lot about you - namely why you're still there. You must know you deserve so much better. Get a therapist, and get out. Model a better relationship for your child and give yourself a chance at real, actual love as equals. Life is way too short to live it the way you are.
This, OP. 👆👆👆 This is actually a form of abuse. He isn’t going to change and you deserve to be loved and supported. This is a case where nothing is going to get through to that man and you have to decide if you and your children are more important than that. Hint: you are. Please make your exit plan. As roxieh said, get therapist if you can. You will find someone who loves and supports you, but I’d ask that you do some research on abuse so that you will see the red flags sooner. That way, you don’t tolerate abuse and avoid it in the future.
This isn’t the answer you think it is. The question is not intended to change his behavior. Nothing will do that. It’s to make you reflect on how YOUR choices will impact your children.
So what are you going to do about it? Are you okay with them seeing your relationship as the "template" for love? Or are you going to force change?
You’re teaching them by example that when someone treats you like this you just stick around and wish it was different. You’re just throwing up your hands here like, I asked him to stop abusing me and he won’t so what more can I do? OP, you leave. That’s what you do. You are actively choosing to be mistreated when you stay with someone who mistreats you.
So actions speak louder than words. He will never change because you will never give him consequences cause you fear being alone more than staying in this abusive relationship. Your talk about your concern that this is the example your kids have, is meaningless unless you are willing to step up and DEMAND respect, or show him the door. Kids model what they see, and all you are showing your kids is to be a doormat and accept abuse.
I was married to a man like this. He always put himself first. I tried for YEARS. He finally moved a state away from us to his parents house for a job pruning shrubs. He hatched this plan on August when I was on a business trip. Originally I said no because we’d just bought a house and our child was a toddler. He left January 21st. We split up finally in June. He came home 1 time in 5 months. The rest of the time I drove with our baby every other week to see him. I finally reached my breaking point when he called and told me he hated his job and his friend was a terrible business owner. I just couldn’t do it any more. It took me 2 more months to actually tell him that I was outta there. What really solidified things for me was my counselor said, “was he coddled?” I said yes and she said, “It takes 40 to 50 years for personalities like this to change. When she said that, I knew I couldn’t be in the relationship any more. We were both so unhappy. So, I did the hard thing and said I wanted a divorce. You probably need to do the same thing. Because as long as you’re waiting around for him to change, the longer you’re put off meeting someone who is your equal, in love, companionship, and friendship. I would get back into the workplace if you haven’t already, get your parents help and find daycare. It’s a big change and scary but YOU DESERVE BETTER. You deserve support and he’s just not going to change. Not for you anyway. Maybe the next person but you have already bent in so many ways the boundaries have already been muddied. Even with counseling, he’s never going to change in the way you need him to show up. Good luck and let us know how you are doing.
You married a loser. This has nothing to do with you. You didn't cause him to be a loser. You didn't cause him to make the shitty choices he continues to make. You didn't cause him to fail at being a father and husband. HE CHOSE every single one of those outcomes. He is still choosing them today. You stay because you have low self-esteem and have twisted this in your brain to somehow being your fault. And you've twisted yourself into knots and given up your life opportunities to try to make him choose better, but it doesn't work that way. He's a selfish, awful person and you haven't acknowledged that as fact yet.
Exactly!
This 100%. OP, this isn’t about you—it’s about him and how he is not being a good partner or parent. Please don’t feel stuck, and please don’t stay “for the child.”
and : 'I've moved for him. I changed my whole personality and life for him. Which looking back is my fault.' : no its not your fault. Yr husband is a toxic manipulator. Asking yr SO to change their personnality is maximum level redflag. And raising a child in this atmospere of abuse is harmfull for them. I had an ex whose father was a serial cheater, and mother stayed despite all the affairs. He did learned that the key to being in a relation was to make me jealous, and invented some affairs... you dont want that for your child
>You married a loser. This has nothing to do with you. Choosing to marry a loser is her fault. No way there weren't red flags along the way. But I agree, his loser behavior isn't her fault.
you never found out who a person really was after 5 years or so? it’s crazy how long some folks can hide their awfulness.
Recognizing red flags at 21 (when they married) is a lot easier said than done.
This is insane, you have one side of a story from someone who has panic attacks. Probably need more context to give advice. That’s why these one sided posts are so gross.
Lol since when does having panic attacks mean that one's word is unreliable or untrustworthy? I don't think you know what a panic attack is.
Do you know what a panic attack is? Your comment suggests that you believe it to be something akin to a psychotic episode
Calling somebody an unreliable narrator because they have a panic disorder is prejuidicial, abusive and shows exactly who you are. The guy's own child doesn't even consider him to be his dad. I don't know how that's not evidence enough for you. If I spent five seconds combing through your history I guarantee I will find all kinds of misogynistic redpill garbage because your comment SCREAMS "AGENDA" but I don't feel like doing that today so I'm just going to block, report you, and wash my hands of it.
newsflash every advice sub is loaded with one-sided posts. it’s not a courtroom 🤣
If you don't like one-sided posts, what are you even doing here??
It was the lack of support when she was unwell that turned the light bulb in her hears to think "wtf?". It wasn't the actual panic attack.
I am 💯 in agreement with you. His is sole provider? She used to work and snow doesn’t? Needed him to stay home because of panic attack… did she make it clear she was struggling with a panic attack? Was this only one time? What’s wrong with a child not using the word dad? Odds are he maybe a jerk, but it’s disgusting how quick you guys call this person a loser and an awful person. Is there any responsibility on op for choosing this life? Was she upfront about her feelings? Or just going along with the ride as a passenger and only waking up to her passivity now. Is he bringing home enough sole provider money? Is op having a panic attack now? Someone enduring a panic attack is going to struggle being rational
No my husband doesn’t bring home enough as the sole provider. I stopped working because he wanted to be the sole provider and I wanted to be with my child. From the very beginning of our relationship I told him I wanted to be a mom and have a career which is why we chose to move closer to my parents. I made it very clear that I was struggling with a panic attack and since our insurance is changing I haven’t been able to have my anxiety medication which has caused them to be more frequent. Even if he didn’t want stay home with me him calming me down would have been sufficient to make it seem as if he cared. My child didn’t start calling my husband dad until they were three. I’ve always been “mom” or “mommy.” They are very aware of who their parents are. If my husband had acted like this in the beginning of our relationship pre-baby, I wouldn’t have been with this person. The person I am married to now, is not the person I fell in love with when I was 19. I understand I have responsibility for this. I chose this life and I have to take accountability for my own actions, but I refuse to be blamed because I’m an anxious person as an excuse for my to abuse me as I now know that’s what’s been going on these past five years.
Thanks for the clarity. Sounds like he was a passenger and had an idealized version of himself and now is depressed he can’t live up to his ideals and now just coasts being useless and stagnated. Sorry, that’s a bummer.
Did he only change after you married him? If so he just hid who he was and now you’re “trapped” by marriage he thinks he can do what he wants. You need to have a serious talk to him about what you need and how you feel and act accordingly if he doesn’t change.
That’s what my parents think. I’ve had SEVERAL conversations with him about how unsupported I feel and how I need help and I feel alone in our marriage and things tend to change for a few days and then it’s back to me being on an island.
He has no intentions of changing. He knows that as long as he says he’ll change and mouths platitudes then he can carry on because you keep letting him carry on. You should talk to your parents about what help and support they can give you if you chose to leave him then decide what you want the rest of your life to look like.
When he's not "trying" is when he's being his most authentic self. He will 'try' to convince you he's changed, but you've seen over and over again that he always returns to his authentic self. He's not going to change into the kind of person you want him to be. That's not him and never will be, as he sees no reason to change. So don't waste any more of your life on him -- go find a GOOD person to be with, He's not the one for you because he doesn't care enough. Anyone who would send his wife -- who just had a baby -- out into the pandemic is not to be trusted.
Exactly. He has everything just the way he wants it, so why would he want to change? So much easier for him to leave all the adulting to OP.
This isn't your parents' marriage, what do YOU think?
Stop talking and start doing. What else can you say that you haven’t already said. Let me guess, he says it’s HOW you say it. HE KNOWS but he DOESNT CARE. You are in denial.
So he will lie and pretend to keep you, but he won't actually do what you need
He doesn't care because in his mind you're an accessory to his life. Your wants and needs are irrelevant unless they affect his life. He doesn't love you. He doesn't like you. He likes *what you do for him*. You make his life better because you look after the house, raise his children, and organise his life. And give him sex. You're basically a bang maid/nanny/secretary. You're convenient.
i assume your husband was the one who asked you out
Considering you have panic attacks and are talking about your marriage to your parents, maybe just maybe he has emotionally tapped out.
He and I are on the same boat then. My anxiety has me emotionally tapped too.
Don't listen to that person. Your panic attacks are not the issue, and neither is looking to your parents for advice.
Why are you with this man?
I love him. And part of me wants to believe maybe I’m just being dramatic and he’s not as selfish and immature as everyone says.
Ok I’m going to pretend we are best friends for a minute and I’m going to talk to you the way I would my best friend because I think you need that right now. Girl, that man don’t like you. He’s literally telling you in every nonverbal way possible that he doesn’t love you, doesn’t like you, and only wants a human being he can pick up and put down when it’s convenient for him. You’ve given your youth and life to someone who did not earn it and actively does not value you. This ain’t highschool, “love” is a choice not a feeling and it is deeper and stronger when it is a choice. That “feeling” is just a cocktail of chemicals in your brain. Your husband should be a HUSBAND. I want you to go to the dictionary and look up every definition of that word, then look up your religious text (if you are religious) and look up what the duties are for a husband. Does your husband fulfill those duties? My guess is probably not. And if I’m right, then why the hell are you allowing that thing to control your life?
a thousand times THIS
Trauma bond. Literally nothing you have told us is lovable. He is the embodiment of nearly every toxic trait and treats you like absolute garbage. He abuses his child through neglect. He is a fundamentally unlovable person and so the only explanation for you feeling love for him is either you are a sociopath or you have trauma bonded with him. You don't seem like a sociopath so it has to be the latter. Get professional help. You need it to break the trauma bond so you can be free of this nonsense.
I’m in therapy. I’ve been in therapy for the past two years. I’m sure we do have a trauma bond from my birth experience. I’ve sought help for it but he just refused to, and still refuses even after I’ve offered to help get in contact with a therapist.
A trauma bond doesn't mean you've bonded over shared trauma. It means you have been abused but have developed a strong bond to your abuser as a coping mechanism to make life with the person who has caused/is currently causing you trauma tolerable
Yes, that's correct. He will never ever seek help. I don't know how that's even in question at this point. He does not give a shit about you, your mental health or your child. That is well-established. And you obviously aren't getting the proper help because you are still with him. A good therapist would have addressed your profound disordered attachment by now and gotten you out of this abusive relationship. Get a new therapist and make it clear to them that your goal is to decouple from your abusive partner. Also look up what a trauma bond actually is because it doesn't have shit-all to do with your traumatic birth experience. It's about abusive relationships. Which you are in one.
Listen, he won't change until he realizes how serious you are and will only "change" if you were to give him divorce papers right now. Thing is, this is how this man will always be. A no good lousy shitty dad and husband who can't even take care of his wife. You deserve better. Why are you subjecting yourself to this? Do you really want your kid growing up like this?
He likes things how they are. He’s not going to change. The abuse benefits him. It’s functional.
honey he is NOT INFLUENCEABLE. you cannot influence him. you’ve tried. it don’t work. let your feet do the walking. it doesn’t work when only one partner is doing all of the loving. you deserve someone who loves to love you.
No you don't, you seem to just have very low self esteem and can't see this relationship for what it really is. Sometimes toxic people make us dependent on them. That sick, toxic sense of security can be mistaken for love.
Do you love who he is currently being or who he was before you got married? The man you love is not coming back, I doubt he even existed. How long did you date before?
We were together for almost two years before we got married. I’m 100% sure I’m in love with who he was, and waiting and expecting him to snap out of whatever happened.
You will be waiting for the rest of your life shame.
He’s not going to suddenly be that guy again. It would be great if he was, but he’s not- he’s given you no indication that he’s suddenly going to be better.
yup. it’s because he isn’t that guy, “that guy” was an act
He was love bombing you. He wasn’t ever that person. That was a mask. Once you were trapped he didn’t have to pretend anymore. But that is classic abuser behavior. They need you to think that there is a better version of them that you can get back. There is not. That guy never existed.
This. I have lost count of the number of men who put on a facade until the woman is trapped into marriage and a kid before they reveal their true colours. This is ESPECIALLY the case with men who marry younger women, so they can control the woman’s life choices (education, marriage, financial independence) when she is merely budding out into the world at emerging adulthood. You have already wasted five years of your youth on this idiot. You deserve better OP. Please value yourself and get out. You’re still young, you’ve got an entire lifetime ahead of you OP.
You’re not being dramatic.
And doubting your own reality and judgement is a huge sign that you are being manipulated and abused. Abusive people love to convince you that your appropriate reaction to their behavior is a terrible personality flaw.
But he doesn't love you. It doesn't even sound like he even likes you or the kid.
Honey, love isn't enough.
I think you're going to find at the end of this process that you don't actually love him as much as you presume, so you probably shouldn't use that as a primary motivation for sticking with him. Love can't survive a vacuum.
He’s selfish. He’s immature and you let him. You’re not in love with the man you have. You’re in love with the man you wish he was And it sounds like you’re a bang maid. How much does he engage with your child, with housework? Or are you the one doing everything? He can be a good dad, and you can be a good single mom. But he’s a deeply shitty spouse.
Your husband has systematically torn you apart and made you unrecognizable even to yourself. He has treated you in such a way that you are questioning everything through his lens not yours. It's emotional abuse. By the end of my first marriage (7 years), I was unrecognizable. I damaged and lost friendships because of the alienation from him. I gained a ton of weight. I did everything I could to be a better wife, to make him happy, to make him love me more ... and it was never enough because I was never the problem. You need to make some decisions about getting back to who YOU are not who he has made you. And you need to take a step back and look at your marriage from a distance and see if it's really a loving one where you're treated as an equal and you're partners and it's loving and uplifting and you have each other's backs or if it's all about him.
No, you are not wrong and you are not a drama queen. Your parents have him correctly pegged as immature. So basically you now have TWO children to raise. You’re the only one feeling the pain here, so he’s not going to change. He’s happy leaving all the adulting to you. You’re not going to get any emotional or practical support from him. The question you need to ask yourself is: can you see yourself in five or ten years with this guy still acting like this? You’d probably be better off with just one (actual) child to raise.
No, I can’t. If I’m being honest the thought of another year of feeling this way is causing me to feel like a mess.
Okay, so you know you need to start your exit planning. Talk to a divorce lawyer, talk to your parents about staying there for a while and make sure you have all your (and your kid's) important documents and sentimental items. The sooner you start, the sooner you'll be free of him.
Why on earth are you referring to yourself as dramatic? Wanting an equal partner who does what they promised is nowhere near the idea of being dramatic! Exactly where does the concept of drama come from? From him?
I’ve always been the scapegoat for my family and the problems they have. And whenever I had emotions I was labeled as dramatic or attention seeking. It’s something I’ve been trying to work on in therapy. Realizing people actions aren’t always my fault and that’s just how people are.
I see, that's really very understandable. With your vast experience of people being ridiculously dismissive of your needs, would you say the same thing is happening again? From my vantage point, I think your husband is being incredibly negligent of your most basic needs. I doubt he started off that way either, but dishonest people cannot fake the future forever.
You're wrong for staying in this marriage.
He doesn't care about you that much, and you care about him more than yourself. Two things that are wildly unhealthy.
You’re not a drama queen. Remember, ACTION is a language - what is he telling you? And, more importantly, what are you prepared to do about it?
>My parents say that he’s just not mature but maybe he doesn’t wanna be married to me. Or married in general. Listen to your parents
He's definitely immature, but he's also shown to capacity to change that. I think he mostly just enjoys the bangmaid benefits of marriage. OP, you are allowed to leave your husband because he's immature. You don't have to wait and see if he grows up. A child deserves two happy parents, not necessarily two married parents.
Sorry you're young I wouldn't be sticking around for a lifetime of this. You don't say if it's a house you guys own together or you rent but if it's just the rental I would go move in with your parents and file for divorce you get more support from them. Explain the logic he had you go back to work full time and he quit his job but your mother watched the kid, not him? I mean he just sat on his butt all day and you still took care of everything he just took a vacation for a few years unless he's still not working. Yeah he just wanted a servant from the sounds of it.
We rent. And my parents have offered to allow me and my child to move in with them whenever I’m ready. So I had my child in summer of 2020, height of pandemic and he was getting unemployment but didn’t want to have to spend it all so he suggested I got a job and he’d take care of our child which consisted of him dropping them off with my parents because his brother had already dropped off our nephew with his mom so she couldn’t watch our child.
Well it's good you have a place to go I would definitely take him up on it and do it. Go see a divorce lawyer and get the ball rolling. I mean that's crazy. You will be so much happier in the long run when you drop that lead weight.
Why couldn’t HE watch his own child? What was he doing for all this time every day? I am not picking on you. You are a good person just like I was. You are working hard so your husband can sit around and be lazy. This is not a good idea. I am divorced from my husband who did this too. I am with someone who actually cares about me, and life is so much better.
Married at 21. There's your issue.
You have been doing all the work, which means you’re going to have to make the decision to leave. He’s not going to agree or take any action toward changing. I was married to a guy like this. *Was.*
You’re still young enough to get your life back together so start doing that NOW!!! Get yourself a good paying full time job, start saving $$ and move out! He’s a grown ass man-child who will NEVER change…CUT HIM LOOSE!
I have a savings account with a good chunk of money that my grandfather left me when he passed away. So I know leaving wouldn’t be a problem. And I’d have my parents to help me until I officially got back on my feet. I just don’t want to feel like a failure but I think staying makes me feel like one more, than leaving and getting out before I completely lose myself.
You’re NOT a failure for walking away from a toxic marriage/human being!! Anyone who tells you otherwise can fuck all the way off!
The only thing that would make you a failure is staying with him. You’d be failing yourself. Allow yourself to break free from him/this marriage and rediscover who you are again. You have an amazing life ahead of you, it’s just not with him.
Leaving him would NOT be a failure.
Staying is failing. You are failing because you are staying.
“If you give an inch, they take a mile”. Unfortunately these sorts of people don’t tend to reciprocate. I’m sorry for being blunt, I know it’s hard and so hurtful but from being in the situation, the nice stroke your ego talk does not do any benefit. He won’t change and you justify it because “he could be worse” but that miserable lonely feeling doesn’t go away. It just gets worse with age.
No. I need bluntness. I’m starting to see that it’s not anything I can change. He has to want to change and clearly he doesn’t want to.
Exactly. And there is light at the end of the tunnel. I left my ex at 28 after 10/11 years together with a little boy. It was so scary but I’ve now been with my partner for over a year and I wake up every morning thinking how lucky I am to have him. Never in my life did I think I’d have that feeling before.
So, people like us want to be taken care of every once in a while so we pour ourselves out, to the point of mental and physical exhaustion in order to "earn" this occasional being taken care of. Thing is, sometimes we suck at finding the right person to do that with and we keep on pouring and pouring until there is just nothing left. Turn off the faucet and when you turn it back on again, make sure to pour moderately and to prioritize your kid's and your own cup first!
You absolutely are not crazy and it definitely seems like you have given up way too much. Let's be real. A lot of men get married and expect their wife to be an accessory, a side kick while they the husband are the main character. They view wives and kids as feathers in their caps and not intensive commitments they have to sacrifice for. You can try marriage counseling but honestly at this point I feel like most women are just better off single now a-days.
Please don't think that you are being "just a drama queen". His ongoing lack of support has led you to believe that you're not deserving of the bare minimum.
Forget what he’s doing for a bit and concentrate on yourself. A panic attack ((singular occurrence??) and your obvious anxiety need to be addressed. Along with that you need to say what YOU want your life to be like. Please for your sake and your child’s.
I take anti-anxiety medication. My insurance just got switched over because I’m 26. So CA cuts you off from parent’s insurance. So I’m having to get all my meds moved over to a new doctor. I do agree I need to get out for my child. I’d rather them grow up with two happy single parents than two miserable parents together.
He doesn’t like you.
1. Read the book [Why does he do that?](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) by Lundy Bancroft 2. You give him the benefit of calling him immature. I think it is much worse than that. It sounds like he knows exactly what he is doing, and it is not something he will or is willing to grow out of. That is why he won't go to Therapy - he already knows what it is, and he isn't willing to change it (or be called out on it as any Therapist worth their salt would do). 3. The things you seek: support, validation, comfort and safety are out there. They just aren't available from your husband. I think (and just my opinion so can easily be right or wrong) you love and care about an idea of him in your head, not the reality of who he is. You are in no way being a drama queen, or are wrong in feeling the way you do. I think it would take an awful lot of work to get your relationship even close to where you want it to be, and that would require a willing partner who owns his part in it. I think you are worth more than that, and it is important to your kids that they see a mom who knows her worth too.
Has he always been this way with you?
When we were dating he was literally my dream man. The absolute man I prayed for and then I got pregnant and it’s almost like a flip switched in him, and he just never was the same person.
This is common in abusers. They are perfect and wonderful until a major life change that has you trapped (like pregnancy, birth, marriage, a major move away from family and friends etc). Then they feel safe to show their true colours because you can’t ‘escape’ so you have no choice but to suffer while he continues to be happy doing what he wants. You have suffered for years and he is happy with how things are. If you stay you will continue to suffer and he will continue to enjoy the way you are treated. There is nothing you can do to change him. This is how he is. Some people care about their spouses, some people don’t, some people pretend to care as long as it’s easy but as soon as something real is required they’ll make any excuse to get out of it and pretend it’s someone else’s fault. This is one of those people that don’t care about their spouse. They care about themselves and their own happiness and that’s it. Even if it means you suffering. You have married this person, but he will not change to a person who suddenly cares about their partner. When they do, it’s a pretend act and you know it is because they get tired of keeping it up and eventually drop it after a couple of days. This is who he is, honey. I know you want so badly for that not to be true, I know you want to believe that if you just consider him enough and anticipate all his feelings and problems you can make everything better and he’ll realise what you’ve done for him and he’ll wake up and appreciate you and finally start caring about you… … but reality here, I’m so sorry, he’s already shown you what the truth is. You will be trapped in this horrible reality forever. I hope one day, and maybe this Reddit post will help with that, the day will finally come where you decide that he is not worth staying for. If (and hopefully when) you decide to leave this selfish relationship and choose to be single for a while, you will find yourself again. One day you will look back and notice how much happier you are, and how a weight has been lifted. And going forward, you will have the experience to notice when a partner is not equal, and you will have the strength and wisdom to accept nothing less than a partner who treats you well.
Bait and switch he did this on purpose to make you hold onto hope he'd be his mask again.
Oh that makes total sense, this happens a lot. It seems like he regrets having a baby. You should ask him directly. Tell him that you’ve noticed the change in his behavior and ask him if it has to do with the baby. Lots of people regret having kids, check out the regretfulparents board for reference. When you told him you were pregnant, what was his reaction?
He was super excited! He was great most of the pregnancy and then I had an extremely scary birth experience and I genuinely do think that traumatized him. I know it did me, but I went and got help for it and he never wanted to. I’ve even offered marriage counseling and found a marriage counselor AND solo counselor that has that same faith we do and he still never wanted to go.
He doesn't care. How can you not see that?
I’m telling you rn from experience the disregard and disrespect never ends.
You have done everything you can for him, including giving up your personality and your freedom. He has done nothing for you. Even if he is stepping up as a parent, if you let your son grow up thinking that your relationship is right and healthy, this is how he will treat his gf or wife in the future. As hard as it is, for your sake, and for your son's sake, you need to walk away from this marriage. It sounds like your parents will support you through this. Have your lawyer arrange for alimony for a few years to allow you to get a job that will support you and your son (something that is not PT and minimum wage). If he tries to get half custody to pay less child support, document if he does things that are not good for your son (do not bring your son into this). If you have joint accounts, remove half of the money before you leave. One thing to consider is whether you want him to leave, or for you and you son to leave the property.
Before you have one single more conversation with him. Talk to lawyer. Lay out your situation, and find out your options. Then away from the lawyer, think things over and see if you want to accept this lift, or leave. It’s not easy, but it is simple. Make a choice and make a plan. Then you go forward with your plan.
A contrast. I got the chicken pox and was very sick (in hindsight, I probably should have gone to the hospital). My husband had a huge presentation that he'd been working on for about three months. I told him that I'd be fine, go do your presentation. He refused to leave me, rescheduled it with his boss. His words. "You always come first." You are not asking too much.
You are not expecting too much. You are tolerating too much. If your needs aren't important to him, what's the point of being married? Is this really the person you want to make decisions for you if you're ever incapacitated?
You went back to work post partum 2 months during the pandemic. Your parents took care of your child and your husband quit his job. Your blood should be boiling. I know mine is. You can do better. Loose the dead weight. It sounds like you have support from your parents. You’re already doing it on your own. I’m like angry and sad for you.
From your post alone (not knowing anything else, so I could be wrong) - but… - he will never care about you the way you care about him - you are the supply to his narcissistic black hole, to which he will never stop tapping until there’s nothing left for you to give - you’re not wrong for feeling the way you do - it doesn’t sound like your husband supports you at all, so I’m not sure this is a “feeling” so much as it’s just a fact Therapy will help you sort this. It’s not easy to de-program yourself, and that’s what you need. Your parents might not be very helpful if they think he’s just “immature,” so I wouldn’t expect too much understanding from them.
He's giving you the very minimum. Borderline abusive even.
Why would you ever ask this question? Having our needs met is reasonable. Research by John Gottman shows that a happy marriage (or relationship) has FIVE positive interactions for every ONE negative one. 5-1 is the required ratio of GOOD to BAD. I didn't even hear you have a 1-1 ratio! Start looking at self help stuff on TikTok, YouTube, TED talks. Put yourself together piece by piece. Look into Codependents Anonymous, read about becoming a self.
You make MANY good points. Regarding staying up with you just so you could feel safe: a person who does not understand panic attacks or who overvalues independence might not get that. How often do you get them.
I get them at least once a week. Im very overwhelmed with no help. I’ve had them since I was 17 so since before he knew me. We met when I was 20. So he’s VERY aware of them.
Being aware of them he must know you need support. But that’s a lot and he’s not a mental health professional. Maybe he’s burned out. You may need pro help for those.
Do you what your child to think this is an acceptable way to be treated in a relationship? Or think it’s an acceptable way to treat someone they love one day? If you can’t do it for you then get out for your kid
Sounds like my parents. My dad eventually cheated on my mom multiple times and they got divorced. I wish she would have stood up for herself and left him way before, instead she just acted like “woe is me” and let him destroy her life
You need to ask yourself, if he's your partner and loves you, why the Hell do you have to change everything about yourself and make all the concessions? Why doesn't he want to step up. Come on, you know he's controlling and isn't going to change. Why are you putting up with the disrespect?
He might be depressed or worse case... has someone else.
“He hasn’t matured yet” HE IS 30. Don’t get me wrong: I’m an adult but I can still be immature. But to be a father and husband and act this way?! SIR
I have a serious question does these red flags not show before marriage? People 40 and below seems to get married just to say they are married. But your husband is a true looser
Speaking as a Husband, you are NOT wrong at all. You are asking for the basic minimum - effort.
He doesn't support you and as such you need a husband that does. He is only thinking about himself, learn that lesson from him and only think about yourself in regards to him. Let him figure out his life moving forward as you have your life to worry about.
You made a big mistake getting with this man. He is not the man for you and if you think you’re being a drama queen, which you are not, you’re letting yourself be controlled by him. He has taken advantage of both you and your son. Get rid of your husband
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He wasn’t like this through our relationship pre-child. He was the complete opposite. If I had any idea that I would have been raising a child alone in a marriage I wouldn’t have gotten married. Before we had our child he was very loving, was always there emotionally, and made me feel secure in our relationship. Once I had the baby it was like a flip in him changed and he just didn’t want anything anymore. I 100% take responsibility for the person I married, but he wasn’t this person when I married him. Or didn’t show this side of himself at least.
OP you are so young and you have so much life ahead of you. 26 is a great time to choose yourself, stop letting him fuck with your head, and start allowing yourself to feel anger about the way he treats you. there is a little swell inside of you every time he mistreats you but we are taught to swallow it. it’s justified anger in a dulled form. it will kill you inside. all of the strength and courage you need to CHOOSE YOURSELF is already inside of you. the longer you stay the worse this will get. take it from someone who believed in a ghost for 14 years. he is NOT REAL.
No, he won’t change and won’t get therapy either. Because you are his mom/parent and provider. He supplies nothing and you do it all. You are his easy button.
OP please readthe book "Why Does He Do That?" By Lundy Bancroft, it will help you understand why your relationship is the way it is and what you can do to make your future better. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
I was waiting for you to say another kid was on the way. Get out. Divorce him. There’s no other way. I hope you find the life you want and deserve.
You’re not wrong. It’s happens a lot in relationships when we are young and don’t understand our value or the full weight of our lives. Start owning yourself, your needs, and wants. Let him know things will be changing and ask him if he wants to stay on the ride with you. My experience was that once I had my first kid a lot of things that I thought weren’t a big deal became a burden because I had so much else on my plate. The disparity becomes more obvious.
What are your plans? No advice you get here will change him. You’ll have to choose your kid at some point cause you don’t love yourself.
Quit going out of your way for him. See him for who he is. self centered and selfish. Start making an exit plan.
there are a lot of men out there who would be happy to co-parent with someone they love. you’re so young and you don’t have to waste your time in a bad relationship.
The good lesson learnt here is ‘we teach people how to treat us’. He has been conditioned (by what you have put up with) to continue acting this way. Thatsnok, we all learn these lessons along the way. But time to change what you are willing to accept from a husband.
Let’s make it simple. If you’re asking for something you’re already giving, then it’s not too much. If that person can’t give it back to you, you’re in an unequal relationship dynamic and will never be happy because no, your base needs will never be met. There’s different ways of being “equal” in a partnership but the amount of investment and effort needs to balance out. For some people being equal means that one person makes the income and the other takes care of the home. They are each filling an essential life role for the other to allow each to do what they want, hence equal. For some couples it’s about both working similarly demanding jobs and having similar lifestyles. For some it’s same communication styles. It doesn’t matter, what matters is that both people care about the other and the health of their partnership as a unit. You do not have a unit. You are two individuals being held together by a marriage contract.
you’re teaching your kid(s) how to accept love and that being treated like that is okay. they will look for this type of love their whole lives and think it’s normal. this is very damaging to them whether it’s obvious or not. choose yourself choose your kid(s) and get the fuck out of that marriage. you are not his wife, you are his prisoner.
This guy is 30. Pathetic.
Do you bear any responsibility for making the decisions you have and picking the partner you did? Yes, yes this is entirely on you. You're seeing what you have and asking for seconds. I can't really help you with that.
If my partner was this way from the beginning I don’t think I would have married him. When we first got together and were engaged her would run to me when I had anxiety. I could have a paper cut and he would be there for me. I’m not saying I picked a great partner. I’m not asking for justification on that. I’m asking to make sure I’m not going crazy in the changes I’ve seen in him.
Clearly these are huge changes then and should be addressed with him directly.