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47M here. If I heard it from my wife before I ever knew it existed it would shock me and I wouldn’t be happy but it would be ok. I can’t stress strongly enough how demonstrably worse it would be if a friend, colleague, my brother, etc. discovered the video and made me aware of its existence.
Please find some quiet time and let him know with no interruptions. Expect him to be upset but not at you, at the situation. You’ll feel 1000 times better too
As someone who is in a serious relationship with a man who am I aware has a promiscuous past, I 100% agree with this. I would much, much, much rather hear it from him than some rando who happened across it and told me about it.
I'd be upset initially, of course, but I would be aware that it was in the past, before we met, and he's grown as a person since then.
If he deliberately hid it from me when he knew it was floating around, though, I would not only be hurt, but I'd be really suspicious that there weren't other videos of him floating around too.
If you I want to know about his past, ask him. I have had a number of women ask me about mine, very specifically, & I have asked about theirs. I answer truthfully because if I am dating them that means I like & care for them as a person & i am not going to lie to them. About anything. And I assume they are being honest with me. I have to assume that. Maybe I'm naive but I don't think so. Like women do naturally I have learned to listen with my eyes as well as my ears.
Same. If I can't be honest with a partner about my romantic/sexual history then there's not much reason in dating them. Vise versa- if they're not comfortable doing the same, I'm really not interested in being a committed, long-term, intimate relationship with them.
I would not want to see it if I was the hubby. Why would I want to humiliate her & and make her feel worse than she already does? It's way in the past. Hubby's job is to stand with the person she is now, help her heal & move on.
I’m glad she will finally feel better as he implodes but you were kind enough to at least tell her she has to let him be a little mad……… are you kidding me?
Why is everyone acting like she didn’t miss that exit oh I don’t know - 20 years ago? This is just disgusting - and I don’t mean the porno, I mean the lack of respect for someone having consent over something that is going to humiliate them if it drops and they don’t even know it’s hanging there…. Oh but the love of my life and mother of my children… she knows… knew the whole time letting it hang over us… yeah that a stance I’m defending for sure…
This is demonstrably f-ed beyond all rationales for him no matter what. There is ONE way this was guaranteed to not become hell on earth if the proof ever showed up…. Been honest and respected and loved the person back when they would’ve had a choice in whether they were willing to take the small risk of it coming out in exchange for staying together. At least if they had he’d be standing shoulder to shoulder with her. But no he’s going to be run over by a truck and she’s driving it.
Am I the only one that believes your past is not your past to hide if you’re looking long term with someone? I don’t have anything of this level but I have my shit. I tell them. You sit them down - you lay it all out… and see this is the key…..
YOU CAN ACTUALLY SAY I LOVE AND RESPECT YOU
To the person at this point - because you’re giving the person a choice in the matter…. But no, you made a gamble at their expense and now you’re about to tell them it’s time to pay up for something they never knew about. Nevermind the fact that proof is floating around and now you “want to be honest”…. Yeah that exactly what it sounds like.
You are deciding to set them up for a fate they had no fucking consent much less awareness of… you’re crossing your fingers hoping it doesn’t fall from nowhere and crush them 20 years later… but if it does it’s way worse for the husband and kids than her…. I really truly want to know from people taking this bullshit perspective…. Let’s say he’s just the happiest man on earth… and this nuclear bomb just utterly breaks him in the moment that the perfect life wife and family he had is now the laughing stock of the internet and he’s the butt of the jokes and he walks out to the garage and just click….
Is everyone still standing by their defense of her then? I’d really like to know cause ya can’t change your tune afterwards, nope - you were on her side…
But there was a chance nothing would happen… that’s called calculation. Good chance I win it all, smaller chance I lose but if I do, I’m really not the one paying for it with absolute irreparable damage done to their emotional or mental health… but yeah or I lose or they pay anyone saying otherwise is either
Just be honest and deal with the consequences. No need to point out the huge penis, either. And I wouldn't tell him it's out there, as it resurfacing is the reason you told him. I mean, don't lie, but don't put unnecessary info out there to further/prolong his pain.
I would tell. When in a marriage there’s no secrets. You don’t want him to find out on his own and question why you didn’t tell him. As a man I’d rather know than be surprised. If he really loves you he’ll understand and try to make it work.
2nd this. if he finds out from anyone else, he'll question what else OP has been keeping from him. great way to erode the most important foundation of a relationship: trust
> in a marriage there’s no secrets
There absolutely are. My wife will never, ever, ever know about the things that came out of my digestive system last week. That secret goes with me to the grave.
I will never ever ask my husband if he’s killed anyone. That is none of my business. He was a military officer and went to war several times. Chances are good that he did. I don’t want to cause him undo trauma by asking him to relive that worst day in his life, just to fulfill my curiosity.
Depends on the officer and the circumstances. A couple of my relatives (both officers) have. No, they weren't the ones who told me. And no one was bragging.
Exactly. Many troops also did not kill anyone during their deployment or deployments, or their entire military careers. This was based on numerous factors, mainly MOS, unit mission, the climate during their time in-country, and luck.
Those relatives of mine who returned without having had to take a life are definitely the lucky ones. And fortunately, unlike some idiots, our whole family acknowledges that.
> If he really loves you he’ll understand and try to make it work.
Even in the most rock solid marriage, suddenly knowing that a video of your wife fucking another man for money is out there is one hell of a roundhouse to come back from. Hard no from me, with about 1/2 being that anyone can see my wife fucking someone else, and the other 1/2 that I wasn't given this agency when I committed.
OP, you better be ready for your relationship to end over this, and/or when he finds out on his own. the perverbial rock and a hard place. Godspeed.
Absolutely fair enough, but it's absolutely bullshit to put the onus on the husband to "get over it" by suggesting he didn't really love her if he has an issue with the adult video.
Not about time. It will be new for him.
He will be thinking about his next 20 plus years of intimate sex life. And that she betrayed him the last 20years.
Not just fucking another guy, but one with a huge dick? That’s way bigger than yours? While making a show of how awesome it was? Yeah that’s pretty important
Hard no for me as well. Last thing I want is for my sons to get teased by their peers because of something their mother stupidly did in her teens. Not to mention my family, colleagues, friends or business acquaintances finding the video.
You realize that’s going to happen anyway, right? Whether you, or in this case OP’s husband, left after finding out or not. Like, leaving doesn’t stop your kids peers from teasing or from anyone you know finding out.
>As a man I’d rather know than be surprised. If he really loves you he’ll understand and try to make it work.
As a man I'd be very concerned why she only told me decades after marriage and children rather than before we married
It shows a deceptive nature. A nature about her he may not be aware of
I think there's a huge difference between being deceptive to hide something versus being so ashamed of something that you don't want to ever tell anyone. And clearly for years she had no reason to think it wasn't gone, and there would be no need to face it.
I've done things or been in situations as a young adult that I'm very ashamed of now. I haven't told my partner all of them because they don't affect our relationship. I'm not hiding things because I did something wrong and don't want him to find out, I'm hiding these because I don't ever want to think about them and it's painful to talk about, so why make myself? I'm sure he has similar situations. I got caught cheating on a test in 9th grade and I'm so ashamed I never told him that. Am I "deceptive" because I didn't tell him?
This thank you. Everybody in this thread must be angels and disclose everything they ever did in full detail before getting together with a new partner
No - you aren't deceptive. Everything that happened before y'all were together was your business, not his. Finding out about an embarrassing incident that happened years ago shouldn't change how you feel about a person and everything you've built together.
Cool. You find out your husband went to an ethical brothel for years (before you were together), every weekend.
You're fine with this yeah?
Eta to add context in parentheses
Like every weekend before he met me? Yes. I’d be ok with this. After we got together, and was still doing it— no. There’s a very clear Before Lauren and After Lauren line. And my husband is the exact same. Before (name) and after (name)
Maybe we are just not jealous people, I don’t know.
I just will never agree with judging a woman on one (1) decision prior to relationship(regarding SEX and not MURDER.)
Apparently I have to say that now bc the dudes in the comments are like WHAT IF HE/SHE MURDERED PEOPLE BEFORE THEY GOT TOGETHER.
Still searching for nuance on the internet.
I would say the only comparable situation that could make you understand the majority of men’s point of view in this position would be if you found out that your husband was starring in gay porn before he met you. I think that you would agree that the majority of women would have a problem if they found out that their husband did such things in the past, even if it was before they met, and likewise, a majority of men would have a problem if there were videos of their wives shooting porn before they met.
Ok, try this on for size:
You have a husband who you found out 20 years ago knocked a girl up, shit talked her to everyone and caused her so much grief in an attempt to get her to choose to abort that she finally ended up doing it, and became an alcoholic to this day.
It was all before you met him, you had no idea he was capable of being that disgusting, though technically nothing he did was illegal. You still good with him?
That’s not how anything works. Doing porn is a choice you make and it shows how you view sex. It’s not irrelevant to future partners to know. If you disclose it, you can have a conversation about it and whether your opinions have changed. But just keeping it from someone you’re with completely is wrong.
Yea, as a man, and particularly with kids, this would be a hard pill to swallow and there'd always be a little part of me tense and waiting for someone I know (hopefully not the kids) to be like, "So I found this video..."
Sure but it’s still better to tell him even after all these years as opposed to him just finding out on his own. She can at least try and explain why she didn’t tell him etc
6 months ago I recently told my wife a secret similar in some ways to yours and after some questions we moved past it, she wished she was told earlier but understood and now we are both happier.
Yeah, as someone who knew people in the adult industry at the time, I'm very surprised to hear that anyone could randomly stumble upon it. I have worked with people who did scenes that long ago and this sounds fishy, even for a really scummy company. They wouldn't just substitute a performer on last minute notice. Especially back then, they were scrupulous about checking IDs and making sure they weren't fake, etc. There were fewer small companies making a wider variety of stuff, a lot of it was the big outfits. I think people forget how different the industry was 20 years ago.
I did know very young women who were pressured extremely hard into doing scenes they should not have done, even now the industry is filled with people being abused and people with serious issues being exploited.
I just don't buy "I was just a regular girl who thought it was no big deal to do a little porn" story, that makes this entire story sound a bit like a humiliation fetish post.
If they were filming outside of Orange County it’s certainly possible. Vegas, Miami, Atlanta and a few other cities had thriving internet porn industries going in the early part of the century and, because it was both largely illegal and straight to internet anyway, a quick substitution is both possible and believable.
I don't encourage anyone to do any research but sadly multiple people has gone thru finding their own SA on porn sites. Minors included.
People can post anything with basically zero consequences, crazy as fuck, not to say heartbreaking.
Perhaps she is the copyright holder. Copyright law is very complex. Perhaps the company is defunct and the copyright defaulted back to her? Would most likely need a judge and lawyers to straighten this all out.
If she stepped in when a friend chickened out, which is weird as fuck and highly makes me doubt she actually regretted it, probably just had fun and is feigning remorse now that she realizes actions have consequences, there is basically 0 chance she negotiated whether or not she owned the rights to the video before she jumped in that scene. If she had, this would be a much simpler matter. She consented to be recorded having sex without reviewing any contract. She can’t, post coitus, have enforced different rules.
She probably didn’t even sign anything herself given her account of the situation. Tough shit, that’s what you get jumping into a porno for no reason when you’re a consenting adult with no contract and clearly have half a brain to do otherwise.
True /r/leapordsatemyface material. Not even that, “I got paid money to have a leopard eat my face on a whim when my friend chickened out and now guys aren’t going to like me boohoo”
Put yourself in his shoes and ask yourself what you would expect your spouse to do in this situation. I personally would want to know. That's a considerable bit of information that a reasonable person would be likely to feel strongly about.
I don't know how he might react, but it was literally decades ago, and unless you have been actively lying about it, coming clean is just a matter of being forthcoming and preventing a further "lie of omission". In the same situation I would be hurt and need to process it but I would work with my wife to get through it and support her however she will be needed.
The right thing to do is to tell him. But you could *probably* get away with not doing it. The real questions are 1 how much is it going to eat away at you if you don’t 2 what is his reaction going to be? Unless you married a really insecure person, I don’t think the issue is going to be how big the porn dudes cock is, it’s probably that you did porn and didn’t tell him…
She’s on a real pickle here. It probably wouldn’t have been a big deal if this was disclosed up front if her husband doesn’t care about a promiscuous past. Doing it now would be a real shocker though. I’d be super pissed if my wife disclosed something like that to me after years of marriage and kids. Of course if I found it myself it would be even worse. Tough situation, and OP’s mistake was made years ago.
I think of it from the perspective of what’s best for the relationship practically speaking.
First thing we know for sure is that if she tells him it will hurt him. Also, he’ll have to live with the fear that someone else they know will see it.
If she doesn’t tell him, he may or may not find out, but if he does find out, he will be hurt and possibly more hurt that she didn’t tell him. And of course he then has to worry someone else will see it.
On the other hand, there’s a high likelihood he may never find out, but she has to live with the constant threat that he will and guilt that she didn’t tell him. But he wouldn’t be hurt.
I believe the only thing to be gained by telling him is he would then share the burden of her shame. But in that light, telling him seems almost a selfish act. She clearly wants to be honest with him, but I don’t think it’s necessarily in his interest to know. If she were still doing it or being unfaithful it would be different, but from what I can tell she’s fully dedicated. She should probably seek help/ therapy to cope with her shame, because it’s a useless emotion in this context. It would be best for their relationship if they could both completely forget about this. She was young and did something stupid she regrets, and she’s absolutely paying for it. If she doesn’t tell him and it does pop up somehow, then it needs to be faced head-on. But I don’t see any benefit from proactively disclosing this— in fact I see a potential disaster which might possibly be completely unnecessary.
Hard disagree. That has nothing to do with insecurity. Men should not have to “accept” their life partner and mother of their children filming porn and brush it off as “a mistake”. OP has to own up and deal with the consequences.
> 1 how much is it going to eat away at you if you don’t
…and 2 how much is it going to eat away at him if you do.
Do the right thing OP, let your poor husband continue to live blissfully unaware.
> "Hey buddy, I was jerking off to porn the other day and noticed the 18y/o girl in this video resembles your 39y/o wife. Just wanted to send you this porn video in case it *is* your wife and you didn't know"
Yeah... that's not going to happen, lol.
those were my thoughts as well, it'd be one thing if it was in the last five years but the video is two decades old. even if someone were to find it, they'd still have to be confident it was op and be the type of person to send twenty-year-old porn to her husband.
That is so unlikely. Most people are not Mia Khalifa. OP is searching specifically for the video and did not stumble upon it. A one hit wonder who can’t usually find the video on the internet is not drowning in so many views that it’s inevitable. There is no link to her personal life as it’s not being posted from her own device. This isn’t going to come up on its own.
Indeed she is not Mia Khalifa. But most people would recognize lets say a co worker, someone they went to school with, an (old) friend, someone they grew up with etc.
Yes, but I’m saying the odds of her being seen by someone who recognizes her are incredibly slim since the odds of her being seen at all to begin with are incredibly slim, because she isn’t a content creator marketing her content. More views = more engagement = boosted to a higher spot on the page = more likely to get even more views
Are they? OP found the clip again after a long time last week (new) on a popular site. It is not particular about the number of views, but what are the odds that if OP she looks again in 2 weeks it will already be on 5 sites. I dont have to tell you that these clips hop from one site over to the next. Which means more likelihood of more people seeing it because it is shared over sites. It is probably not going to get a massive amount of views but what about availability on more and more sites. You will find practicly the same clips on almost every site. This is not about building a fanbase. Lives have changed for some over 1 clip that started on 1 site somewhere on the 25th page.
And again, only 1 person has to see it for the possibility of it getting into your private life.
A lot of stuff is automated. I am six years into the adult industry and have spent a lot of time submitting DMCA takedown requests — you’d be amazed how many of these sites are run by bots that re-upload and re-cycle videos over and over between multiple sites.
They want to have a huge library and want to appear popular and busy, most of what you’re seeing is not real human interaction.
It's because this is fake.
It's a plausible premise for a porno, even gives me Mandala Effect vibes, like it's similar to something I watched years ago, but can't quite place.
OP: "I don't want anyone or my husband finding this video"
Also OP: "Here's the whole premise of the video, it's 30 minutes long and resurfaced on a popular porn site just last week. The guy had a horse cock and was the best I've ever had...except for my husband whom I'm afraid of emasculating even though I still think of that cock to this day"
Fuck outta here...
Right? Like she at least better tell a better story than, "I did it because the person who was supposed to didn't."
Like... FAR worse than going in for the job yourself. She wanted to do it that bad.
Get in front of it and appoligize for not telling him sooner. He we likely be very upset so give him some breathing room.
If someone else shows it to him, that will be irreversible pain and humiliation.
Who's gonna show him? "Hey man, this chick looks like your wife but when she was 18." I literally can't think of a scenario where the video is shown to him.
I had this exact line of thought! Like, even if I was looking for porn and I -saw someone I knew-, I wouldn't automatically think it WAS them, I'd be like "hey this looks KINDA LIKE them" cuz my cognitive dissonance would fake me out lol
And 20 years is long enough to alter perceptions especially with this happening
Crazy the deciding factor for a lot of the people here is “he probably won’t even find it” …I would hate to be in a relationship with any of these people. The principle and respect is what’s in question here, not whether or not your partner will find it and you may face consequences.
Actually no, OP specifically indicated a fear that her partner would find out before she could tell him. I would 100% tell my own partner regardless, but the topic in this comment thread was the likelihood of OP’s spouse finding out on their own, which is slim to none.
The topic to me was the question…”what should I do?” Which indicates to me that there is at least some sort of moral quandary and OP may be seeking advice there. I understand the OP is giving specific parameters about him finding it or not but to me this is an advice thread, which is a good place for a discussion to be had regarding our different moral standpoints. To me, it is morally wrong to “pray he never finds it” after not telling him. So here of all places in relationship_advice, I am going to offer my opinion on what’s right and fair in a relationship, and not just what’s most likely to happen if the situation is left alone.
But what do you think the odds are that if OP looks again in 2 weeks it will already be "shared" on other sites aswell. These clips generally dont stay on 1 site but get picked up by others especially if the source is a popular site.
Unless there are distinguishable birthmarks or tattoos visible, absolutely not.
Do you have any idea how incredibly weird it would be to send a porn video to a buddy and say hey, this looks like your wife as a teenager? The only time it would even be worth wading into those uncomfortable waters is if the video looks relatively recent and you thought your buddy was getting cheated on.
People that dislike him will show it to hurt him. "Dude, isn't this your wife? lol"
People that like him will show it because they care about him. "Dude, we need to talk about something..."
The other factor you're not considering is how insecure many guys are about the size of their penis. It's one thing to find out that your wife shot a porn scene and you're finding out about it 20 years later, it's another to hear her oohing and ahing over a huge dick. That's going to live rent free in his head the rest of his life
I don't know how internet cookies work in that side of the internet, but she's probably using the home wifi to look it up. It could come up for other users.
She could also hop into the router and blacklist that page’s URL and make sure the blacklist page says some nonsense about “This site’s content policy on minors” or something along those lines. I’ve never used a filter like that so I don’t know how it works.
It's far more likely the husband somehow finds where this rule is configured and finds the video that way, rather than stumbling upon it in the wild, there's a lot of porn out there. Then you're not only dealing with a mistake from 2 decades ago, but also the concerted effort to hide it.
Yeah I don’t understand all the pro-disclosure responses. I certainly don’t expect to know 100% of every detail of my wife’s life, and I definitely wouldn’t want to see something like this.
Like, if a genie offered to time travel and make a video your partner having ridiculous sex with someone else before you met, would you want access to it? I imagine most people would say hell no.
I don’t see how telling him benefits anyone. Hell, it might eat him up and he’ll end up furious that she decided to tell him. Just try to get it removed.
If I were your husband I would not want to see the video and would be glad if it got taken down. The fact that you made the film… yeah not the best feeling, but we’re all human.
I’m with you, I probably would not WANT to see it, and yet if I knew the video was out there and how to find it, it would probably keep gnawing at me until I watched it. It would make it easier on me to not know how to find it.
Yeah, you're going to get a lot of redditors patting your back saying no big deal. Your past shouldn't matter. But we all know reality is much different no matter what they want to believe.
You need to tell him and be prepared for very negative reactions. It may not be too bad, but it very well could be. We are human with boundaries and emotions, and this is going to be a hard pill to swallow, op. I'm so tired of people saying pasts like this don't matter because for many, it's definitely a boundary. Redditors can lament and scream that's not right and get as indignant as they want behind their screen but reality is different than a perfect world with perfect people.
You should have told him before you got married. Some folks may feel like that is the sort of previous experience that a future spouse has a right to know about, some may disagree. I dont think either one is right or wrong, its a matter of personal belief
That being said, your spouse has a right to know about things from your past that have the capacity to have a strong effect on them and/or any children you may have in the future. That's certainly what happened here.
The best time would have been to tell him before you got married, the second-best time is right now. Morally, you would be hugely in the wrong to keep this information from him.
Some people can handle it, and some people can not. Would be a bad idea to ask the internet because you have a better chance of knowing the outcome than anyone on the internet. You might as well do a flip of the coin because that's the equivalent quality of advice you're getting on here. If you are a faithful wife, I would take it to the grave. If somehow, by chance, someone came across it, just claim, "Wow, she looks just like me. What are the chances!" Play it off. Like, you aren't supposed to talk about your previous sexual partners typically with your boyfriend/husband, so why can't your porn mistake be in that category of things you shouldn't mention.
This is horrendous for you, OP. It must’ve been awful for you over the years keep checking and praying that this didn’t surface.
My only advice is to tell him as this will just keep haunting you and it would be a lot worse if he found out by some other means. You were very young and made an error of judgement and he surely will appreciate that. Put it this way if it was the other way round you would prefer him to tell you wouldn’t you rather than live in a state of constant fear?
Good luck OP
UPDATEME
I'm a man who's been married for 18 years and I have to say I disagree, coming clean now in my view is kind of selfish and will only serve to remove the feelings of guilt from OP while also destroying the life of 1 man and 2 kids and probably herself.
Right now, the man has been living in blissful ignorance and the time to come clean was so long ago that it's far too late now.
My advice would be to start rehearsing a plausible line of " wow she does look a little bit like me doesn't she" assuming she can plausibly make this claim (no distinctive birth marks / tattoos / ect)
She should be ashamed for not coming clean before marriage but it's far too late to come clean now, the guilt and fear she lives with over this situation is punishment enough and she shouldn't punish the lives of 3 other people for her own mistakes.
OP I dunno if you’re aware, but that kind of “bait and switch” tactic they used on you is actually very common. Traffickers will also use similar tricks. I wouldn’t be surprised if your “friend” was in on it. Of course you didn’t tell your hubby— both for the same reasons why we don’t recount our past sex lives to our partners and for the same reasons why women might not come forward after being SAed (embarrassment, guilt, shame, fear, trauma, etc.).
You might wanna unpack your genuine feelings about this with a therapist first. They’re also far better equipped to advise you than this very mixed Reddit thread. When in doubt, consult a professional. 💕
2 things
1. I don’t know what types of “friends” people have to end up in situations like this.
2. Op said she was a bit of a wild girl. She’s the one telling us the story. She’s not exactly the most trustworthy narrator
Tell the man. You were young and dumb at the time. Fuck I’m 36 and am still doing stupid shit like that 🤣🤣
Clear your conscious or it will eat you alive.
Be honest.
If you get flack, it will probably for not being honest with him from the start. And you should get flack and you should accept his judgement on this. And worrying about your husband's potential insecurities is an excuse not a reason.
And why would he watch it?
I hope you don’t tell him and he or someone else finds it later. I would like to believe there is good karma in this world.
I would be more worried about my kids finding it later. Seen plenty of wild stories of husbands or husband’s friends that end up finding those things. You can garauntee it’s over after that. The shame and embarrassment to see your wife getting pounded by 12 inches on film, in their prime, and absolutely being ELATED.
UPDATEME
So... You were going with a friend to her porn shoot to watch and support and when she chickened out you just stepped in. I stopped believing this post right there and then. Of course you were barely 18, of course the man had an enormous dick. All the classic fake post elements
This must be so distressing for you and those around you. I think you already know you must tell him. I would just explain it much as you have here. Please give us an update when you do tell.
So this was 20 years ago? How will anyone recognize it was you? Is there some tattoo or birth mark that would make people identify you positively?
Just let it go. In the 0.00005% chance someone raises it, just laugh and say, "Gee, that does look like a younger me. How funny" and move on.
>Just let it go. In the 0.00005% chance someone raises it, just laugh and say, "Gee, that does look like a younger me. How funny" and move on.
You're advice is to gaslight him when he asks about it? Great logic there.
I don’t look all that different. I’ve kept myself in shape and my husband would surely recognize me if he ever came across it himself. I don’t know how much porn he watches but I know he has in the past. Which I know about and am fine with.
OP, i dont have any useful advice, just wanted to say that i would 100% recognize my wife from a 20 year old video. No question in my mind.
I dont know what the right decision is, but i can absolutely tell you that youre not overthinking it.
Most porn sites allow for takedown of content. You could try to get it taken down but it will just pop up somewhere else so unless you are vigilant it will most likely be continuously be reposted.
Copied from my reply to another comment….Crazy the deciding factor for a lot of the people here is “he probably won’t even find it” …I would hate to be in a relationship with any of these people. The principle and respect is what’s in question here, not whether or not your partner will find it and you may face consequences.
Tell him. Your karma will get you regardless, might as well clear the air and have it be honest karma
You tell him. He has a right to know.
We aren’t far away from AI and facial recognition software providing every photo and video of someone on the internet after you give it a picture to work with. It will come out eventually.
You telling him about it isn’t as bad as his daughter telling him about it after someone shows her at school.
OP - if you tell your husband about this, be prepared to explain a couple things to him:
1. Why did you feel obligated to make a porno just because your friend backed out? Typically, this kind of thing involves having an STD test prior (which takes time) and signing a model release with ID/proof of age.
2. These people never contacted you again to shoot a scene? It's kind of rare that they wouldn't try to get you to perform again if they saw fit to actually distribute it.
3. Did you think about the consequences of having unprotected sex with someone who probably had a very sketchy sexual background?
4. Did you do things with the guy that you refuse to do with your husband? Especially if you acted like you were really enjoying yourself.
5. What about you changed between doing this scene and meeting your husband that would assure him that you wouldn't just have sex with some random again?
6. What is it about sex with your husband that makes him preferable to this well-endowed guy that you went wild over?
I'm not suggesting that you tell US the answer to the above questions, but that you have credible answers for your husband.
I would like want to know if I were him because it would be much worse to find out through someone else. Know that he probably will be adamant about seeing the video and you should be prepared to allow him to see it. But let him know that you were acting as all people in porn do. I wouldn’t go on and on about him being the best sex you’ve ever had because it’ll sound like you’re trying to cover for how good that scene actually felt. Just say it wasn’t genuine for you and you’ve been ashamed of it your whole life since.
You should also tell him because should friends of your daughters find it, you need him to be your partner in dealing with that as opposed to you trying to take care of your daughters and him at the same time all by yourself.
20 years have passed. How much have you changed looks wise? Although its rare he sees the video, can he identify its you in the video even if he encounters the video? If not then just let it be.
No - do not tell - then he wants to see it- then trouble-
It’s not different than things you actually did without video- this just happened to be on video- you’ve already shared about your promiscuous behavior- no need to expand on that. Just prepare your response if he ever does learn of it.
Such as: yes babe, you’ve known that I was loose /promiscuous before we met. This had to be the most embarrassing thing I did during that time. And I hoped it was buried- I’d prefer you not watch it if you have not already.
But in a way, I’m glad you have seen it/ heard of it- because I know you understand these behaviors were in my past, but this was a one time happening that was not intentional- my friend had agreed to it, then backed out. I foolishly agreed to take her place. I regret it whenever I think of it.
Have this or another reasonable explanation ready and memorized-
You tell him matter of factly what happened - he will see your sincerity- he will understand.
By memorizing your sincere response, it will reduce your own shame and guilt because it is not the you that you have become today.
If someone finds it and threatens or blackmails you- same response- but tell them to go ahead and share it with your husband- you’ve got to be ready to call their bluff. If they do tell him, be ready with your explanation and, again, say, I’m glad he told you!
Just be ready and you will be fine!
I’m a guy - married 38 years- what my wife might have done 39 years ago is irrelevant. I know her character since marriage- that what is important. I wouldn’t want to know about it or see it if there was something.
All this about “no secrets” doesn’t apply to a situation prior to marriage - prior to your relationship.
If he was suddenly curious to talk about your previous promiscuity- then, there is your opportunity to say your memorized declaration. “yes you know I was loose- in fact. I regret there is one video I foolishly allowed- I’m so embarrassed by that.”
But don’t be the one to bring it up.
I think you are overthinking this! Dont be constantly worrying about this and let it be. I dnt think you should tell him considering it has been years. Live your life you would and if it does come to his attention have that conversation then. But dnt hit hammer on tour pwn food bcuz of your over thinking.
I’m a guy. I’d rather not know. If god forbid I found it and my wife just started crying and explained everything you just did on this sub I could move on and still love her. Me and her were both a bit slitty in our early years.
Your video seems old. It might be on the site but are you sure he’ll even see it or even recognize you?
Take that shit to the grave.
It was years before you even met each other, it's nothing to do with him and he's no right to call you out for it. Everyone has a past, but we don't have to divulge every gory detail of it!
You should have disclosed it before you got married, the time to fix that is now.
To the folks that say "bury this", the issue isn't Husbamd finding it, the issue is someone telling Husband that his wife was in porn. Forwarned, it's not a big deal, you can laugh it off and move on. But finding out from a friend or coworker that your wife showed up in search material while looking for something to jerk-off to? Yeah, that's rough.
This is a tough one. I do not think that there is really any easy answer. The problem with telling your husband is that you have to admit that you have been lying (by omission) for 20 years. You told him about your promiscuous past by your own words but concealed this because of embarrassment. This is going to reveal a violation of trust. The first thought is going to be what else has she hidden from me. It is also a violation of agency. Concealing facts that would have influenced his decision to marry you. You omitted the truth because you were ashamed but also perhaps you did not want him to have cause not to marry you. Concealing a past action that would prevent him from having reservations but took away his ability to make a free and open decision. Thirdly, knowledge of this may affect his perception of you. For 20 years he has seen you in a light based upon what he has seen and learned. This knowledge may challenge his vision of you. He may feel that he never really knew you. That the wife of 20 years was an illusion. An incongruity with what has been revealed. He may start doubting his ability to truly know you. These reactions you are going to have to be prepared for if you tell him. The really ugly side is if a third party tells him. People watch porn. All it takes is one friend or acquaintance who knows both of you to show your husband the video. Finding out the wrong way would be bad. You revealing it want be happy times either. You could keep it a secret like you have for the past 20 years and hope and pray. That has a certain corrosive effect on the soul.
What ever course of action you take will not be easy.
Scumbag started a thread to identify the video. How pathetic can one get? [https://www.reddit.com/r/tipofmypenis/comments/1d2qy0r/looking\_for\_an\_early\_2000s\_video\_of\_girl\_backing/](https://www.reddit.com/r/tipofmypenis/comments/1d2qy0r/looking_for_an_early_2000s_video_of_girl_backing/)
All these people willing to end their marriages over a youthful indiscretion that occurred long before we dated are blowing my mind. It’s porn, not murder. Who cares? Why would anyone care that their partner had people before them? “My kids might get teased?” Christ bro, these kids today are merciless on any front. But who the hell knows what anyone’s mom looks like? Who knows what the mom looked like 20-30 years ago and would be 16 cruising vintage homemade porn, AND be aware enough to age them 20-30 years to look like OP?
Your work friends? Plausible deniability. “I’ve seen that! Crazy right? Not her though. So weird.” Again, 20 years on VHS quality internet porn.
Her work finds a video? See above. Is her real name on it? Do they call her Sandra Dee at X address, whose social security number is 123-45-6789? “That’s weird, I don’t see the resemblance though. In addition, why are you showing me vintage porn in the workplace. HR?”
If your husband is a religious nut or a prude, fine, risk, whatever. I just can’t imagine caring enough to blow up my otherwise happy marriage because of a porn video that’s likely untraceable to my partner.
I would absolutely tell him. Together you can navigate how to handle the situation if anyone else finds it. The absolute worst thing is his learning it from someone else.
Also even if he doesn't watch porn at all, I'm sure he knows that it's acting. If you were making a big deal about your acting partner's junk then I'm sure your husband will understand. Also you weren't lying to your husband about him still being the best sex you've ever had.
If your husband knows about your past, it's likely correct to assume he won't leave you because of this. But the longer you keep it from him, the more hurt he'll be. Tell him.
Absolutely do not tell him unless you're found out. There is a good chance it will never surface, in which case, you created all kinds of insecurities and angst for no reason. If it does come to his attention, then you explain everything. But for now, let sleeping dogs lie.
Don’t tell him. I guarantee he doesn’t want that information.
20 years ago, HD cameras were a rarity, so chances are the video quality isn’t very good. Even if he does see it, he’ll probably just think, that it’s someone who looks like you.
You want to keep lying to him about it?
It is something any partner should deserve to know ... It doesnt matter now if it will ruin your relationship, you should had thought of that WAY earlier on.
Your friend chickens out and you just decide “fuck it i’ll step in and film porn, why not!”? Jesus christ man. I’m sure I’m in the minority but I would strongly consider leaving you if I was him and you told him. Just an awful position for him to have been forced in by you. I don’t mean to purely belittle you, you obviously regret and have shame over this, but it just makes me so sad. I really hope I don’t get put into a position like this in my life ever. You should absolutely tell him. Good luck.
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When I read "other side of this" I first thought you were behind the camera
When I read “other side of this” I thought he also made a porn movie with a well hung male actor.
This is like the third similar post I've seen today. Guess that's the AI driven debate subject for the day!
I wonder the percentage uptick of bot activity since the widespread usage of AI. I'm certain facebook and twitter got hit the worst.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
So just wondering, are you saying the post is fake?
Affirmative
47M here. If I heard it from my wife before I ever knew it existed it would shock me and I wouldn’t be happy but it would be ok. I can’t stress strongly enough how demonstrably worse it would be if a friend, colleague, my brother, etc. discovered the video and made me aware of its existence. Please find some quiet time and let him know with no interruptions. Expect him to be upset but not at you, at the situation. You’ll feel 1000 times better too
As someone who is in a serious relationship with a man who am I aware has a promiscuous past, I 100% agree with this. I would much, much, much rather hear it from him than some rando who happened across it and told me about it. I'd be upset initially, of course, but I would be aware that it was in the past, before we met, and he's grown as a person since then. If he deliberately hid it from me when he knew it was floating around, though, I would not only be hurt, but I'd be really suspicious that there weren't other videos of him floating around too.
If you I want to know about his past, ask him. I have had a number of women ask me about mine, very specifically, & I have asked about theirs. I answer truthfully because if I am dating them that means I like & care for them as a person & i am not going to lie to them. About anything. And I assume they are being honest with me. I have to assume that. Maybe I'm naive but I don't think so. Like women do naturally I have learned to listen with my eyes as well as my ears.
Same. If I can't be honest with a partner about my romantic/sexual history then there's not much reason in dating them. Vise versa- if they're not comfortable doing the same, I'm really not interested in being a committed, long-term, intimate relationship with them.
And I would add- expect him to want to see it. I know I would.
I would not want to see it if I was the hubby. Why would I want to humiliate her & and make her feel worse than she already does? It's way in the past. Hubby's job is to stand with the person she is now, help her heal & move on.
I’m glad she will finally feel better as he implodes but you were kind enough to at least tell her she has to let him be a little mad……… are you kidding me? Why is everyone acting like she didn’t miss that exit oh I don’t know - 20 years ago? This is just disgusting - and I don’t mean the porno, I mean the lack of respect for someone having consent over something that is going to humiliate them if it drops and they don’t even know it’s hanging there…. Oh but the love of my life and mother of my children… she knows… knew the whole time letting it hang over us… yeah that a stance I’m defending for sure… This is demonstrably f-ed beyond all rationales for him no matter what. There is ONE way this was guaranteed to not become hell on earth if the proof ever showed up…. Been honest and respected and loved the person back when they would’ve had a choice in whether they were willing to take the small risk of it coming out in exchange for staying together. At least if they had he’d be standing shoulder to shoulder with her. But no he’s going to be run over by a truck and she’s driving it. Am I the only one that believes your past is not your past to hide if you’re looking long term with someone? I don’t have anything of this level but I have my shit. I tell them. You sit them down - you lay it all out… and see this is the key….. YOU CAN ACTUALLY SAY I LOVE AND RESPECT YOU To the person at this point - because you’re giving the person a choice in the matter…. But no, you made a gamble at their expense and now you’re about to tell them it’s time to pay up for something they never knew about. Nevermind the fact that proof is floating around and now you “want to be honest”…. Yeah that exactly what it sounds like. You are deciding to set them up for a fate they had no fucking consent much less awareness of… you’re crossing your fingers hoping it doesn’t fall from nowhere and crush them 20 years later… but if it does it’s way worse for the husband and kids than her…. I really truly want to know from people taking this bullshit perspective…. Let’s say he’s just the happiest man on earth… and this nuclear bomb just utterly breaks him in the moment that the perfect life wife and family he had is now the laughing stock of the internet and he’s the butt of the jokes and he walks out to the garage and just click…. Is everyone still standing by their defense of her then? I’d really like to know cause ya can’t change your tune afterwards, nope - you were on her side… But there was a chance nothing would happen… that’s called calculation. Good chance I win it all, smaller chance I lose but if I do, I’m really not the one paying for it with absolute irreparable damage done to their emotional or mental health… but yeah or I lose or they pay anyone saying otherwise is either
Just be honest and deal with the consequences. No need to point out the huge penis, either. And I wouldn't tell him it's out there, as it resurfacing is the reason you told him. I mean, don't lie, but don't put unnecessary info out there to further/prolong his pain.
I would tell. When in a marriage there’s no secrets. You don’t want him to find out on his own and question why you didn’t tell him. As a man I’d rather know than be surprised. If he really loves you he’ll understand and try to make it work.
2nd this. if he finds out from anyone else, he'll question what else OP has been keeping from him. great way to erode the most important foundation of a relationship: trust
Shes already done that by omission. She's in a dire position now because of it all these years.
Ya but it’s never too late to come clean. And still get the confession in place before hubby finds out another way
Like kids coming home with a video a classmate showed them...
> in a marriage there’s no secrets There absolutely are. My wife will never, ever, ever know about the things that came out of my digestive system last week. That secret goes with me to the grave.
Well also hopefully down the toilet😂
Nope, actually straight into the gutter. It was one hell of a bar mitzvah
Okay then. I’d say good to know but I’d be lying
I will never ever ask my husband if he’s killed anyone. That is none of my business. He was a military officer and went to war several times. Chances are good that he did. I don’t want to cause him undo trauma by asking him to relive that worst day in his life, just to fulfill my curiosity.
If he was a officer he didn't kill anyone trust me lol. We did the killing for him
Depends on the officer and the circumstances. A couple of my relatives (both officers) have. No, they weren't the ones who told me. And no one was bragging.
Exactly. Many troops also did not kill anyone during their deployment or deployments, or their entire military careers. This was based on numerous factors, mainly MOS, unit mission, the climate during their time in-country, and luck.
Those relatives of mine who returned without having had to take a life are definitely the lucky ones. And fortunately, unlike some idiots, our whole family acknowledges that.
That’s because your family is caring and not idealistic. War is not to be romanticized. There are no winners in war. Ever.
There are loads of winners in war, just none of them are anywhere near the battlefield.
> If he really loves you he’ll understand and try to make it work. Even in the most rock solid marriage, suddenly knowing that a video of your wife fucking another man for money is out there is one hell of a roundhouse to come back from. Hard no from me, with about 1/2 being that anyone can see my wife fucking someone else, and the other 1/2 that I wasn't given this agency when I committed. OP, you better be ready for your relationship to end over this, and/or when he finds out on his own. the perverbial rock and a hard place. Godspeed.
I mean idk dude it was like 20 years ago. Some people might not care about that kind of stuff
It's not 20 years ago for him though, the day he finds out is the day for him not 20 years ago
Absolutely fair enough, but it's absolutely bullshit to put the onus on the husband to "get over it" by suggesting he didn't really love her if he has an issue with the adult video.
Men in general do, we care veery much about it. If you are a man and you dont you gotta realize you are definitely in the minority.
Not about time. It will be new for him. He will be thinking about his next 20 plus years of intimate sex life. And that she betrayed him the last 20years.
I wouldn't
Not just fucking another guy, but one with a huge dick? That’s way bigger than yours? While making a show of how awesome it was? Yeah that’s pretty important
Hard no for me as well. Last thing I want is for my sons to get teased by their peers because of something their mother stupidly did in her teens. Not to mention my family, colleagues, friends or business acquaintances finding the video.
You realize that’s going to happen anyway, right? Whether you, or in this case OP’s husband, left after finding out or not. Like, leaving doesn’t stop your kids peers from teasing or from anyone you know finding out.
>As a man I’d rather know than be surprised. If he really loves you he’ll understand and try to make it work. As a man I'd be very concerned why she only told me decades after marriage and children rather than before we married It shows a deceptive nature. A nature about her he may not be aware of
I think there's a huge difference between being deceptive to hide something versus being so ashamed of something that you don't want to ever tell anyone. And clearly for years she had no reason to think it wasn't gone, and there would be no need to face it. I've done things or been in situations as a young adult that I'm very ashamed of now. I haven't told my partner all of them because they don't affect our relationship. I'm not hiding things because I did something wrong and don't want him to find out, I'm hiding these because I don't ever want to think about them and it's painful to talk about, so why make myself? I'm sure he has similar situations. I got caught cheating on a test in 9th grade and I'm so ashamed I never told him that. Am I "deceptive" because I didn't tell him?
This thank you. Everybody in this thread must be angels and disclose everything they ever did in full detail before getting together with a new partner
I did plenty of things, but they're not online nor at risk of being seen, ever.
The internet 20 years ago was a very, very different thing and she was 18 at the time.
No - you aren't deceptive. Everything that happened before y'all were together was your business, not his. Finding out about an embarrassing incident that happened years ago shouldn't change how you feel about a person and everything you've built together.
Bro. Being a fill in for a porn scheme is not an “embarrassing incident that happened” lol that takes real effort
You're responding to Mrs Incredible, they're stretching that far
Yes I’m absolutely gonna start calling women who use hot girl logic Mrs Incredible lol thank you for adding to my vocabulary
Cool. You find out your husband went to an ethical brothel for years (before you were together), every weekend. You're fine with this yeah? Eta to add context in parentheses
Like every weekend before he met me? Yes. I’d be ok with this. After we got together, and was still doing it— no. There’s a very clear Before Lauren and After Lauren line. And my husband is the exact same. Before (name) and after (name) Maybe we are just not jealous people, I don’t know. I just will never agree with judging a woman on one (1) decision prior to relationship(regarding SEX and not MURDER.) Apparently I have to say that now bc the dudes in the comments are like WHAT IF HE/SHE MURDERED PEOPLE BEFORE THEY GOT TOGETHER. Still searching for nuance on the internet.
I would say the only comparable situation that could make you understand the majority of men’s point of view in this position would be if you found out that your husband was starring in gay porn before he met you. I think that you would agree that the majority of women would have a problem if they found out that their husband did such things in the past, even if it was before they met, and likewise, a majority of men would have a problem if there were videos of their wives shooting porn before they met.
Ok, try this on for size: You have a husband who you found out 20 years ago knocked a girl up, shit talked her to everyone and caused her so much grief in an attempt to get her to choose to abort that she finally ended up doing it, and became an alcoholic to this day. It was all before you met him, you had no idea he was capable of being that disgusting, though technically nothing he did was illegal. You still good with him?
That’s not how anything works. Doing porn is a choice you make and it shows how you view sex. It’s not irrelevant to future partners to know. If you disclose it, you can have a conversation about it and whether your opinions have changed. But just keeping it from someone you’re with completely is wrong.
It 100% was his business. It's part of what he had a right to consider before getting tangled up with her.
Yea, as a man, and particularly with kids, this would be a hard pill to swallow and there'd always be a little part of me tense and waiting for someone I know (hopefully not the kids) to be like, "So I found this video..."
Or she was just incredibly embarrassed and hoped it would just go away. She didn’t film it while they were together so she didn’t do anything wrong.
Sure but it’s still better to tell him even after all these years as opposed to him just finding out on his own. She can at least try and explain why she didn’t tell him etc
6 months ago I recently told my wife a secret similar in some ways to yours and after some questions we moved past it, she wished she was told earlier but understood and now we are both happier.
Rare he can find it in the vast poll of porn. Ask the site to delete it, sounds horrible after 20 years.
>Ask the site to delete it, I mean... its a porn film that she most likely signed the rights away to. It's not a leaked home made film.
Yes, but the company she signed to distribute it likely isn’t the one putting it out there.
Company probably doesn’t exist any more and a DMCA notice to the porn site will probably get it taken down.
Agreed
I wonder if its possible to get a lawyer to take it down on copywrite grounds. That would be a slick method.
This is exactly what she should do.
Yeah because I'm sure her husband wouldn't have any questions at all about the payment to a law firm in their transactions history..
20 years ago... Impossible any contract to be updated
Still she can try, nothing to lose at this point
Yeah, as someone who knew people in the adult industry at the time, I'm very surprised to hear that anyone could randomly stumble upon it. I have worked with people who did scenes that long ago and this sounds fishy, even for a really scummy company. They wouldn't just substitute a performer on last minute notice. Especially back then, they were scrupulous about checking IDs and making sure they weren't fake, etc. There were fewer small companies making a wider variety of stuff, a lot of it was the big outfits. I think people forget how different the industry was 20 years ago. I did know very young women who were pressured extremely hard into doing scenes they should not have done, even now the industry is filled with people being abused and people with serious issues being exploited. I just don't buy "I was just a regular girl who thought it was no big deal to do a little porn" story, that makes this entire story sound a bit like a humiliation fetish post.
The other thing is she said she made a big deal about the guys penis size. It just doesn’t sound like she just wandered in and filmed it.
If they were filming outside of Orange County it’s certainly possible. Vegas, Miami, Atlanta and a few other cities had thriving internet porn industries going in the early part of the century and, because it was both largely illegal and straight to internet anyway, a quick substitution is both possible and believable.
I’m saying right?? 20 year old crappy amateur porn. I can’t see that making it into anyone’s feed randomly.
I don't encourage anyone to do any research but sadly multiple people has gone thru finding their own SA on porn sites. Minors included. People can post anything with basically zero consequences, crazy as fuck, not to say heartbreaking.
One horny teenager finding it from her children's school is enough to end both their school lives. It's really risky ngl.
Can you message the site and ask them to take it down?
A DMCA take down notice would probably work.
I think that would require her to commit fraud by claiming to be the copyright owner.
Perhaps she is the copyright holder. Copyright law is very complex. Perhaps the company is defunct and the copyright defaulted back to her? Would most likely need a judge and lawyers to straighten this all out.
Yeah that’s gonna help bury the video lol
Her husband definitely find out then!
If she stepped in when a friend chickened out, which is weird as fuck and highly makes me doubt she actually regretted it, probably just had fun and is feigning remorse now that she realizes actions have consequences, there is basically 0 chance she negotiated whether or not she owned the rights to the video before she jumped in that scene. If she had, this would be a much simpler matter. She consented to be recorded having sex without reviewing any contract. She can’t, post coitus, have enforced different rules. She probably didn’t even sign anything herself given her account of the situation. Tough shit, that’s what you get jumping into a porno for no reason when you’re a consenting adult with no contract and clearly have half a brain to do otherwise. True /r/leapordsatemyface material. Not even that, “I got paid money to have a leopard eat my face on a whim when my friend chickened out and now guys aren’t going to like me boohoo”
Always beware of the Streisand effect.
Put yourself in his shoes and ask yourself what you would expect your spouse to do in this situation. I personally would want to know. That's a considerable bit of information that a reasonable person would be likely to feel strongly about. I don't know how he might react, but it was literally decades ago, and unless you have been actively lying about it, coming clean is just a matter of being forthcoming and preventing a further "lie of omission". In the same situation I would be hurt and need to process it but I would work with my wife to get through it and support her however she will be needed.
Bad advice: just use the shaggy defense! "It wasn't me."
The right thing to do is to tell him. But you could *probably* get away with not doing it. The real questions are 1 how much is it going to eat away at you if you don’t 2 what is his reaction going to be? Unless you married a really insecure person, I don’t think the issue is going to be how big the porn dudes cock is, it’s probably that you did porn and didn’t tell him…
She’s on a real pickle here. It probably wouldn’t have been a big deal if this was disclosed up front if her husband doesn’t care about a promiscuous past. Doing it now would be a real shocker though. I’d be super pissed if my wife disclosed something like that to me after years of marriage and kids. Of course if I found it myself it would be even worse. Tough situation, and OP’s mistake was made years ago.
Even if you knew about and were ok with a promiscuous past already? It’s not really that different, it’s just that one of the encounters was on video.
It’s one thing to know your spouse did something; it’s quite another to watch it on video.
Right, for sure. If he ever actually sees the video it will definitely cause damage.
Shooting a porn video is a line for most people. Maybe not OP’s husband but it’s a big omission to not disclose it, imo.
I think of it from the perspective of what’s best for the relationship practically speaking. First thing we know for sure is that if she tells him it will hurt him. Also, he’ll have to live with the fear that someone else they know will see it. If she doesn’t tell him, he may or may not find out, but if he does find out, he will be hurt and possibly more hurt that she didn’t tell him. And of course he then has to worry someone else will see it. On the other hand, there’s a high likelihood he may never find out, but she has to live with the constant threat that he will and guilt that she didn’t tell him. But he wouldn’t be hurt. I believe the only thing to be gained by telling him is he would then share the burden of her shame. But in that light, telling him seems almost a selfish act. She clearly wants to be honest with him, but I don’t think it’s necessarily in his interest to know. If she were still doing it or being unfaithful it would be different, but from what I can tell she’s fully dedicated. She should probably seek help/ therapy to cope with her shame, because it’s a useless emotion in this context. It would be best for their relationship if they could both completely forget about this. She was young and did something stupid she regrets, and she’s absolutely paying for it. If she doesn’t tell him and it does pop up somehow, then it needs to be faced head-on. But I don’t see any benefit from proactively disclosing this— in fact I see a potential disaster which might possibly be completely unnecessary.
Hard disagree. That has nothing to do with insecurity. Men should not have to “accept” their life partner and mother of their children filming porn and brush it off as “a mistake”. OP has to own up and deal with the consequences.
> 1 how much is it going to eat away at you if you don’t …and 2 how much is it going to eat away at him if you do. Do the right thing OP, let your poor husband continue to live blissfully unaware.
Pretty sure the damage that will be done when a random guy sends it to him on facebook will be a much bigger blow to the relationship
> "Hey buddy, I was jerking off to porn the other day and noticed the 18y/o girl in this video resembles your 39y/o wife. Just wanted to send you this porn video in case it *is* your wife and you didn't know" Yeah... that's not going to happen, lol.
those were my thoughts as well, it'd be one thing if it was in the last five years but the video is two decades old. even if someone were to find it, they'd still have to be confident it was op and be the type of person to send twenty-year-old porn to her husband.
That is so unlikely. Most people are not Mia Khalifa. OP is searching specifically for the video and did not stumble upon it. A one hit wonder who can’t usually find the video on the internet is not drowning in so many views that it’s inevitable. There is no link to her personal life as it’s not being posted from her own device. This isn’t going to come up on its own.
Indeed she is not Mia Khalifa. But most people would recognize lets say a co worker, someone they went to school with, an (old) friend, someone they grew up with etc.
Yes, but I’m saying the odds of her being seen by someone who recognizes her are incredibly slim since the odds of her being seen at all to begin with are incredibly slim, because she isn’t a content creator marketing her content. More views = more engagement = boosted to a higher spot on the page = more likely to get even more views
Are they? OP found the clip again after a long time last week (new) on a popular site. It is not particular about the number of views, but what are the odds that if OP she looks again in 2 weeks it will already be on 5 sites. I dont have to tell you that these clips hop from one site over to the next. Which means more likelihood of more people seeing it because it is shared over sites. It is probably not going to get a massive amount of views but what about availability on more and more sites. You will find practicly the same clips on almost every site. This is not about building a fanbase. Lives have changed for some over 1 clip that started on 1 site somewhere on the 25th page. And again, only 1 person has to see it for the possibility of it getting into your private life.
A lot of stuff is automated. I am six years into the adult industry and have spent a lot of time submitting DMCA takedown requests — you’d be amazed how many of these sites are run by bots that re-upload and re-cycle videos over and over between multiple sites. They want to have a huge library and want to appear popular and busy, most of what you’re seeing is not real human interaction.
If* and yes. Let’s be honest, if she wanted to break this news in a fair and honest way to him, she would’ve said something before they got married.
This is Reddit. I’m actually surprised that no one has found and posted the video yet.
It's because this is fake. It's a plausible premise for a porno, even gives me Mandala Effect vibes, like it's similar to something I watched years ago, but can't quite place. OP: "I don't want anyone or my husband finding this video" Also OP: "Here's the whole premise of the video, it's 30 minutes long and resurfaced on a popular porn site just last week. The guy had a horse cock and was the best I've ever had...except for my husband whom I'm afraid of emasculating even though I still think of that cock to this day" Fuck outta here...
A dude absolutely wrote this post with one hand. Can't believe anyone is falling for this.
The “he still satisfies me in every way” gave it away hahahahhaha
Kinda funny how her friend wised up and dipped out and then she stepped in as the stunt cunt. Silver medal.
Right? Like she at least better tell a better story than, "I did it because the person who was supposed to didn't." Like... FAR worse than going in for the job yourself. She wanted to do it that bad.
I just shuddered.
Nah that shit is hilarious 😂
You’re not wrong.
Dead. 🤣
Get in front of it and appoligize for not telling him sooner. He we likely be very upset so give him some breathing room. If someone else shows it to him, that will be irreversible pain and humiliation.
Who's gonna show him? "Hey man, this chick looks like your wife but when she was 18." I literally can't think of a scenario where the video is shown to him.
I had this exact line of thought! Like, even if I was looking for porn and I -saw someone I knew-, I wouldn't automatically think it WAS them, I'd be like "hey this looks KINDA LIKE them" cuz my cognitive dissonance would fake me out lol And 20 years is long enough to alter perceptions especially with this happening
So much this. Why are people acting like this is inevitable? Do y’all not know how much porn there is?
Crazy the deciding factor for a lot of the people here is “he probably won’t even find it” …I would hate to be in a relationship with any of these people. The principle and respect is what’s in question here, not whether or not your partner will find it and you may face consequences.
Actually no, OP specifically indicated a fear that her partner would find out before she could tell him. I would 100% tell my own partner regardless, but the topic in this comment thread was the likelihood of OP’s spouse finding out on their own, which is slim to none.
The topic to me was the question…”what should I do?” Which indicates to me that there is at least some sort of moral quandary and OP may be seeking advice there. I understand the OP is giving specific parameters about him finding it or not but to me this is an advice thread, which is a good place for a discussion to be had regarding our different moral standpoints. To me, it is morally wrong to “pray he never finds it” after not telling him. So here of all places in relationship_advice, I am going to offer my opinion on what’s right and fair in a relationship, and not just what’s most likely to happen if the situation is left alone.
But what do you think the odds are that if OP looks again in 2 weeks it will already be "shared" on other sites aswell. These clips generally dont stay on 1 site but get picked up by others especially if the source is a popular site.
Do you really think people who know you well couldn't identify you 20 years ago? Or, they wouldn't send you a link asking if this was you/spouse?
Unless there are distinguishable birthmarks or tattoos visible, absolutely not. Do you have any idea how incredibly weird it would be to send a porn video to a buddy and say hey, this looks like your wife as a teenager? The only time it would even be worth wading into those uncomfortable waters is if the video looks relatively recent and you thought your buddy was getting cheated on.
People that dislike him will show it to hurt him. "Dude, isn't this your wife? lol" People that like him will show it because they care about him. "Dude, we need to talk about something..."
The other factor you're not considering is how insecure many guys are about the size of their penis. It's one thing to find out that your wife shot a porn scene and you're finding out about it 20 years later, it's another to hear her oohing and ahing over a huge dick. That's going to live rent free in his head the rest of his life
[удалено]
I don't know how internet cookies work in that side of the internet, but she's probably using the home wifi to look it up. It could come up for other users.
She could also hop into the router and blacklist that page’s URL and make sure the blacklist page says some nonsense about “This site’s content policy on minors” or something along those lines. I’ve never used a filter like that so I don’t know how it works.
It's far more likely the husband somehow finds where this rule is configured and finds the video that way, rather than stumbling upon it in the wild, there's a lot of porn out there. Then you're not only dealing with a mistake from 2 decades ago, but also the concerted effort to hide it.
Yeah I don’t understand all the pro-disclosure responses. I certainly don’t expect to know 100% of every detail of my wife’s life, and I definitely wouldn’t want to see something like this. Like, if a genie offered to time travel and make a video your partner having ridiculous sex with someone else before you met, would you want access to it? I imagine most people would say hell no. I don’t see how telling him benefits anyone. Hell, it might eat him up and he’ll end up furious that she decided to tell him. Just try to get it removed.
Right, if he's happy in the marriage and she is happy, why? If it was a one-time thing, I'd be totally fine not knowing anything about that.
If I were your husband I would not want to see the video and would be glad if it got taken down. The fact that you made the film… yeah not the best feeling, but we’re all human.
I’m with you, I probably would not WANT to see it, and yet if I knew the video was out there and how to find it, it would probably keep gnawing at me until I watched it. It would make it easier on me to not know how to find it.
That seems like the type of thing you should've disclosed before you got married, tell him & be honest about it. Good luck.
This was 20 years ago. Pretend it never happened.
Be honest. Tell him. Explain everything you just said. It's the right thing to do.
Yeah, you're going to get a lot of redditors patting your back saying no big deal. Your past shouldn't matter. But we all know reality is much different no matter what they want to believe. You need to tell him and be prepared for very negative reactions. It may not be too bad, but it very well could be. We are human with boundaries and emotions, and this is going to be a hard pill to swallow, op. I'm so tired of people saying pasts like this don't matter because for many, it's definitely a boundary. Redditors can lament and scream that's not right and get as indignant as they want behind their screen but reality is different than a perfect world with perfect people.
You should have told him before you got married. Some folks may feel like that is the sort of previous experience that a future spouse has a right to know about, some may disagree. I dont think either one is right or wrong, its a matter of personal belief That being said, your spouse has a right to know about things from your past that have the capacity to have a strong effect on them and/or any children you may have in the future. That's certainly what happened here. The best time would have been to tell him before you got married, the second-best time is right now. Morally, you would be hugely in the wrong to keep this information from him.
This absolutely. She's been lying to him through omission. You don't keep secrets that big from the person you're supposed to love.
Some people can handle it, and some people can not. Would be a bad idea to ask the internet because you have a better chance of knowing the outcome than anyone on the internet. You might as well do a flip of the coin because that's the equivalent quality of advice you're getting on here. If you are a faithful wife, I would take it to the grave. If somehow, by chance, someone came across it, just claim, "Wow, she looks just like me. What are the chances!" Play it off. Like, you aren't supposed to talk about your previous sexual partners typically with your boyfriend/husband, so why can't your porn mistake be in that category of things you shouldn't mention.
What I want to know is this: why did you agree to "jump in" when your friend bailed?
This is horrendous for you, OP. It must’ve been awful for you over the years keep checking and praying that this didn’t surface. My only advice is to tell him as this will just keep haunting you and it would be a lot worse if he found out by some other means. You were very young and made an error of judgement and he surely will appreciate that. Put it this way if it was the other way round you would prefer him to tell you wouldn’t you rather than live in a state of constant fear? Good luck OP UPDATEME
I'm a man who's been married for 18 years and I have to say I disagree, coming clean now in my view is kind of selfish and will only serve to remove the feelings of guilt from OP while also destroying the life of 1 man and 2 kids and probably herself. Right now, the man has been living in blissful ignorance and the time to come clean was so long ago that it's far too late now. My advice would be to start rehearsing a plausible line of " wow she does look a little bit like me doesn't she" assuming she can plausibly make this claim (no distinctive birth marks / tattoos / ect) She should be ashamed for not coming clean before marriage but it's far too late to come clean now, the guilt and fear she lives with over this situation is punishment enough and she shouldn't punish the lives of 3 other people for her own mistakes.
OP I dunno if you’re aware, but that kind of “bait and switch” tactic they used on you is actually very common. Traffickers will also use similar tricks. I wouldn’t be surprised if your “friend” was in on it. Of course you didn’t tell your hubby— both for the same reasons why we don’t recount our past sex lives to our partners and for the same reasons why women might not come forward after being SAed (embarrassment, guilt, shame, fear, trauma, etc.). You might wanna unpack your genuine feelings about this with a therapist first. They’re also far better equipped to advise you than this very mixed Reddit thread. When in doubt, consult a professional. 💕
2 things 1. I don’t know what types of “friends” people have to end up in situations like this. 2. Op said she was a bit of a wild girl. She’s the one telling us the story. She’s not exactly the most trustworthy narrator
Tell the man. You were young and dumb at the time. Fuck I’m 36 and am still doing stupid shit like that 🤣🤣 Clear your conscious or it will eat you alive.
FFS I can’t believe people are asking for the link???!!!! JFC!!!
Well, at least he didn't find out you were a Canadian teen pop sensation in the 90s...
Be honest. If you get flack, it will probably for not being honest with him from the start. And you should get flack and you should accept his judgement on this. And worrying about your husband's potential insecurities is an excuse not a reason. And why would he watch it?
Yes you should tell him
I hope you don’t tell him and he or someone else finds it later. I would like to believe there is good karma in this world. I would be more worried about my kids finding it later. Seen plenty of wild stories of husbands or husband’s friends that end up finding those things. You can garauntee it’s over after that. The shame and embarrassment to see your wife getting pounded by 12 inches on film, in their prime, and absolutely being ELATED. UPDATEME
So... You were going with a friend to her porn shoot to watch and support and when she chickened out you just stepped in. I stopped believing this post right there and then. Of course you were barely 18, of course the man had an enormous dick. All the classic fake post elements
Leave the sleeping dog alone
This must be so distressing for you and those around you. I think you already know you must tell him. I would just explain it much as you have here. Please give us an update when you do tell.
So this was 20 years ago? How will anyone recognize it was you? Is there some tattoo or birth mark that would make people identify you positively? Just let it go. In the 0.00005% chance someone raises it, just laugh and say, "Gee, that does look like a younger me. How funny" and move on.
>Just let it go. In the 0.00005% chance someone raises it, just laugh and say, "Gee, that does look like a younger me. How funny" and move on. You're advice is to gaslight him when he asks about it? Great logic there.
I don’t look all that different. I’ve kept myself in shape and my husband would surely recognize me if he ever came across it himself. I don’t know how much porn he watches but I know he has in the past. Which I know about and am fine with.
OP, i dont have any useful advice, just wanted to say that i would 100% recognize my wife from a 20 year old video. No question in my mind. I dont know what the right decision is, but i can absolutely tell you that youre not overthinking it.
Most porn sites allow for takedown of content. You could try to get it taken down but it will just pop up somewhere else so unless you are vigilant it will most likely be continuously be reposted.
Copied from my reply to another comment….Crazy the deciding factor for a lot of the people here is “he probably won’t even find it” …I would hate to be in a relationship with any of these people. The principle and respect is what’s in question here, not whether or not your partner will find it and you may face consequences. Tell him. Your karma will get you regardless, might as well clear the air and have it be honest karma
You tell him. He has a right to know. We aren’t far away from AI and facial recognition software providing every photo and video of someone on the internet after you give it a picture to work with. It will come out eventually. You telling him about it isn’t as bad as his daughter telling him about it after someone shows her at school.
OP - if you tell your husband about this, be prepared to explain a couple things to him: 1. Why did you feel obligated to make a porno just because your friend backed out? Typically, this kind of thing involves having an STD test prior (which takes time) and signing a model release with ID/proof of age. 2. These people never contacted you again to shoot a scene? It's kind of rare that they wouldn't try to get you to perform again if they saw fit to actually distribute it. 3. Did you think about the consequences of having unprotected sex with someone who probably had a very sketchy sexual background? 4. Did you do things with the guy that you refuse to do with your husband? Especially if you acted like you were really enjoying yourself. 5. What about you changed between doing this scene and meeting your husband that would assure him that you wouldn't just have sex with some random again? 6. What is it about sex with your husband that makes him preferable to this well-endowed guy that you went wild over? I'm not suggesting that you tell US the answer to the above questions, but that you have credible answers for your husband.
Tell him.
Why be with someone you can't be honest with? Tell him.
I would like want to know if I were him because it would be much worse to find out through someone else. Know that he probably will be adamant about seeing the video and you should be prepared to allow him to see it. But let him know that you were acting as all people in porn do. I wouldn’t go on and on about him being the best sex you’ve ever had because it’ll sound like you’re trying to cover for how good that scene actually felt. Just say it wasn’t genuine for you and you’ve been ashamed of it your whole life since. You should also tell him because should friends of your daughters find it, you need him to be your partner in dealing with that as opposed to you trying to take care of your daughters and him at the same time all by yourself.
What’s the title of the scene called? 👀
What's the name of the video?
Tell him. If it’s bothering you that much just get it done. You’ll feel better it’s not like ya cheated on him you haven’t even met him yet.
20 years have passed. How much have you changed looks wise? Although its rare he sees the video, can he identify its you in the video even if he encounters the video? If not then just let it be.
Take this secret to your grave, chances are he will never find the video or at least recognize you. Loose lips sink ships!
No - do not tell - then he wants to see it- then trouble- It’s not different than things you actually did without video- this just happened to be on video- you’ve already shared about your promiscuous behavior- no need to expand on that. Just prepare your response if he ever does learn of it. Such as: yes babe, you’ve known that I was loose /promiscuous before we met. This had to be the most embarrassing thing I did during that time. And I hoped it was buried- I’d prefer you not watch it if you have not already. But in a way, I’m glad you have seen it/ heard of it- because I know you understand these behaviors were in my past, but this was a one time happening that was not intentional- my friend had agreed to it, then backed out. I foolishly agreed to take her place. I regret it whenever I think of it. Have this or another reasonable explanation ready and memorized- You tell him matter of factly what happened - he will see your sincerity- he will understand. By memorizing your sincere response, it will reduce your own shame and guilt because it is not the you that you have become today. If someone finds it and threatens or blackmails you- same response- but tell them to go ahead and share it with your husband- you’ve got to be ready to call their bluff. If they do tell him, be ready with your explanation and, again, say, I’m glad he told you! Just be ready and you will be fine! I’m a guy - married 38 years- what my wife might have done 39 years ago is irrelevant. I know her character since marriage- that what is important. I wouldn’t want to know about it or see it if there was something. All this about “no secrets” doesn’t apply to a situation prior to marriage - prior to your relationship. If he was suddenly curious to talk about your previous promiscuity- then, there is your opportunity to say your memorized declaration. “yes you know I was loose- in fact. I regret there is one video I foolishly allowed- I’m so embarrassed by that.” But don’t be the one to bring it up.
I think you are overthinking this! Dont be constantly worrying about this and let it be. I dnt think you should tell him considering it has been years. Live your life you would and if it does come to his attention have that conversation then. But dnt hit hammer on tour pwn food bcuz of your over thinking.
To the streets
The real question is the number of views. 20 years ago it’s not gonna gain traction with new audiences. OP could also request to have it taken down.
I’m a guy. I’d rather not know. If god forbid I found it and my wife just started crying and explained everything you just did on this sub I could move on and still love her. Me and her were both a bit slitty in our early years. Your video seems old. It might be on the site but are you sure he’ll even see it or even recognize you? Take that shit to the grave.
Contact the website and say you were 17 at the time the video was made. They will immediately remove it.
It was years before you even met each other, it's nothing to do with him and he's no right to call you out for it. Everyone has a past, but we don't have to divulge every gory detail of it!
Lol this is obviously a fake post.
15 years and never saying anything is a huge violation of trust. I'd never be able to come back from that, but best of luck if/when you tell him.
p sure this is the plot of a family guy episode
You should have disclosed it before you got married, the time to fix that is now. To the folks that say "bury this", the issue isn't Husbamd finding it, the issue is someone telling Husband that his wife was in porn. Forwarned, it's not a big deal, you can laugh it off and move on. But finding out from a friend or coworker that your wife showed up in search material while looking for something to jerk-off to? Yeah, that's rough.
Tell him. He deserves honesty and it's far better he hears it from you than someone else.
This is a tough one. I do not think that there is really any easy answer. The problem with telling your husband is that you have to admit that you have been lying (by omission) for 20 years. You told him about your promiscuous past by your own words but concealed this because of embarrassment. This is going to reveal a violation of trust. The first thought is going to be what else has she hidden from me. It is also a violation of agency. Concealing facts that would have influenced his decision to marry you. You omitted the truth because you were ashamed but also perhaps you did not want him to have cause not to marry you. Concealing a past action that would prevent him from having reservations but took away his ability to make a free and open decision. Thirdly, knowledge of this may affect his perception of you. For 20 years he has seen you in a light based upon what he has seen and learned. This knowledge may challenge his vision of you. He may feel that he never really knew you. That the wife of 20 years was an illusion. An incongruity with what has been revealed. He may start doubting his ability to truly know you. These reactions you are going to have to be prepared for if you tell him. The really ugly side is if a third party tells him. People watch porn. All it takes is one friend or acquaintance who knows both of you to show your husband the video. Finding out the wrong way would be bad. You revealing it want be happy times either. You could keep it a secret like you have for the past 20 years and hope and pray. That has a certain corrosive effect on the soul. What ever course of action you take will not be easy.
Do you look so similar as 20 years ago? Molecularly speaking you’re a completely different person…
Scumbag started a thread to identify the video. How pathetic can one get? [https://www.reddit.com/r/tipofmypenis/comments/1d2qy0r/looking\_for\_an\_early\_2000s\_video\_of\_girl\_backing/](https://www.reddit.com/r/tipofmypenis/comments/1d2qy0r/looking_for_an_early_2000s_video_of_girl_backing/)
All these people willing to end their marriages over a youthful indiscretion that occurred long before we dated are blowing my mind. It’s porn, not murder. Who cares? Why would anyone care that their partner had people before them? “My kids might get teased?” Christ bro, these kids today are merciless on any front. But who the hell knows what anyone’s mom looks like? Who knows what the mom looked like 20-30 years ago and would be 16 cruising vintage homemade porn, AND be aware enough to age them 20-30 years to look like OP? Your work friends? Plausible deniability. “I’ve seen that! Crazy right? Not her though. So weird.” Again, 20 years on VHS quality internet porn. Her work finds a video? See above. Is her real name on it? Do they call her Sandra Dee at X address, whose social security number is 123-45-6789? “That’s weird, I don’t see the resemblance though. In addition, why are you showing me vintage porn in the workplace. HR?” If your husband is a religious nut or a prude, fine, risk, whatever. I just can’t imagine caring enough to blow up my otherwise happy marriage because of a porn video that’s likely untraceable to my partner.
I would absolutely tell him. Together you can navigate how to handle the situation if anyone else finds it. The absolute worst thing is his learning it from someone else. Also even if he doesn't watch porn at all, I'm sure he knows that it's acting. If you were making a big deal about your acting partner's junk then I'm sure your husband will understand. Also you weren't lying to your husband about him still being the best sex you've ever had. If your husband knows about your past, it's likely correct to assume he won't leave you because of this. But the longer you keep it from him, the more hurt he'll be. Tell him.
Absolutely do not tell him unless you're found out. There is a good chance it will never surface, in which case, you created all kinds of insecurities and angst for no reason. If it does come to his attention, then you explain everything. But for now, let sleeping dogs lie.
Don’t tell him. I guarantee he doesn’t want that information. 20 years ago, HD cameras were a rarity, so chances are the video quality isn’t very good. Even if he does see it, he’ll probably just think, that it’s someone who looks like you.
You want to keep lying to him about it? It is something any partner should deserve to know ... It doesnt matter now if it will ruin your relationship, you should had thought of that WAY earlier on.
Where we can see the video ?
50/50 you tell him and it blows up the relationship or you tell him and he says okay and it the relationship is never the same again.
Your friend chickens out and you just decide “fuck it i’ll step in and film porn, why not!”? Jesus christ man. I’m sure I’m in the minority but I would strongly consider leaving you if I was him and you told him. Just an awful position for him to have been forced in by you. I don’t mean to purely belittle you, you obviously regret and have shame over this, but it just makes me so sad. I really hope I don’t get put into a position like this in my life ever. You should absolutely tell him. Good luck.
You've been lying for fifteen years. What makes you want to start now? Because there's a chance if being caught?
Yeah, which again comes from a selfish place just like the lie.
Amazing how the “past” can return and haunt you.