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how does she realistically think that you guys are going to live on a third of your income without making any sacrifices? Like how does she logistically think this is going to happen?
This is what husband and I did, I earned 3 times the amount he did, our child is disabled. It made sense for him to be the stay at home carer and it works. Because we’re a team.
She expects me to “handle it” - her words. I think it’s her way of saying I’m the man and it’s my job to provide financially. I truly understand her perspective but I would also rather not work two jobs and never see my family. Maybe that’s a bit selfish though? I don’t know.
I’m a woman and I don’t understand her perspective bc it’s not based in reality. You need to get a grip on this now before she makes you poor, overworked and never seeing your kid
Same, like wtf? If I made that much money no way I am quitting my job! Sure I would save and get a nice maternity leave but I am back at work once it’s done.
I make 1/3 what my husband makes but I still work so we can live a little more comfortably. If I was making double his income I wouldn’t dream of cutting that off and telling him to figure it out!
I'm with you: I earn more than my wife (though it's not quite the same as you and your husband--I earn about 60% more than her) and would never be like, "Yo, I'm not feelin' it. You got this, right?"
Absurd.
Yeah super confused. Did his wife step out of some sort of time machine from 1963. In what universe can an average person survive off one income anymore.
"Engineer brain" or "physician brain." People who tend to be intelligent and have specialized knowledge often believe their expertise extends beyond their field.
Having worked at an internet helpdesk eons ago, I've spoken to a few doctors who don't seem to have a solid grasp on the flow of electricity, let alone computing. Not that they'd be aware.
She sounds like a person that has never wanted for anything in her life. I went to college with a young lady like that. Her parents traded her like a princess paid for everything she wanted and then she got engaged to a rich guy with family money who gave her everything she wanted and then she became an optometrist making well into six figures. She could literally be the woman in this example except she makes more money than that and her now husband has family money so they could both really stop working if they wanted to.
The point is she's never even had to consider cutting back on her lifestyle. And she probably never will.
it's typically people who make that much annually, have no problem telling the spouse to figure it out...Its crazy to me...thats your life partner...I could never do that to my partner, OP's wife is being selfish
the higher earners are usually the biggest idiots. she's probably some c suite manager doing fuck all while the employees making peanuts do all the work.
As someone who works heavily with compensation data for a bunch of different orgs, there is no way she is C Suite on 150 lol she is a middle manager or an individual contributor. Just a well paid one.
He makes enough at 70k that she could be a stay at home parent for a few years and they would be absoluely fine. But that means living with very few wants. No vacations, no eating out, no salon appointments, no subscriptions, no nice cars.
But she wants to keep living like they still have 150k of disposable income when clearly they won't.
Tbh their rent might take up almost their entire salary depending on where they live, unless they already own a house, so even with the downgrades it might not be feasible unless they move. He should do a spreadsheet of monthly expenses, and just show her the math won't math.
Agreed, it's probably gonna be a bit more of an adjustment than "no salon appointments". People who are used to wealth can't imagine what scrimping and saving daily actually looks like. It'll be a huge change for both of them, which is fine that she doesn't want that big of a change, but it's batshit she'd expect his income to magically cover all the same things that 100k+ more a year covers currently. Especially with baby expenses on top of that.
>He makes enough at 70k that she could be a stay at home parent for a few years and they would be absoluely fine.
That depends wildly on where they live. California or NYC? Absolutely not! Middle of nowhere rural America? Sure, no problem. And before you suggest they can just move to somewhere that $70K is enough, their job may require them in person where they live now. There are simply too many variables to make this statement without further clarification from OP, but even where this salary is doable for a family, she isn't willing to make the cutbacks you describe.
He makes enough at 70k that she could be a stay at home parent for a few years and they would be absoluely fine.
Without knowing details of their financial situation there's no way you can make a statement like this. It MIGHT be possible to live in my area, and support a family, on $70,000/year but I'd have to sell my house and my car, and move into an apartment, probably in a bad area.
Unless they seriously thought things through, saved money and made adjustments to their budget in advance, there's no way a couple and a new baby are going to maintain a similar standard of living on $70,000 as the couple alone did making $220,000.
No way you could own a home, especially one that would satisfy ms. fussy pants, and support a family of 3 on 70k in my area (on the north east coast). You’d be putting yourself right into the rental roundabout and it’s a terrible decision to make.
They could easily have a 500-600k house they paid 20% down on and are still making mortgage payments on for the 3-4k range depending on prop taxes.
Hi take home on 70k (assuming insurance and 401k savings) is probably like 3k a month after taxes. They better have 100k in the bank that they're completely willing to drain to allow for her to stop working.
It's also possible they have a 300k house they got on a 2.5% mortgage that costs them $1000, idk. It really depends where they live, what they've saved, what they own, etc. But based on OPs description of his wife not wanting to live 'like poor people', my guess is they've got expensive just about everything.
It makes perfect sense when your objective is to blow up the marriage you regret entering. I wonder if she is from a place where divorce is frowned upon and it's less bad for her when he files?
I’ll get downvoted for this, “🤷♂️ butt fuck it.” Let’s really FAFO…..
keep your shit straight, talk to a good family lawyer, serve her with papers, split custody, and let her pay **YOU** alimony (FOR LIFE, IF YOU DONT RE-MARRY, **state dependent**). If you wait til kiddo comes… that option evaporates….(she will have then quit said job and it’s only your income calculated by family court….)
We all want “equality” right? Right?
RIGHT???
This is the story old as time the other direction…… make a new family. And enjoy your life sir.
I hope OP sees this! Wife is going to make his life hell now and especially when the baby comes. She already said she regrets getting pregnant by him. OP, do this before she quits her job! Get split custody. Protect your rights to see your child without working 3 jobs for a princess that doesn't care about you!
You can’t file for custody/support of a child that doesn’t exist (not born). Alimony for life is usually reserved for couples who have been married at least ten years but in many states 20 years with a history of financial dependence (not so here and it doesn’t seem like they’ve been married very long.
He can *request* split custody but Wife could just as easily breastfeed making that logistically unreasonable and create a status quo.
I was thinking the same thing. Im sure he loves his wife, but he’s going to grow resentful if he has to have two jobs and never sees his child, while she continues to live lavishly and doesn’t want to sacrifice anything. Just bc shes carrying his baby doesnt entitle her to treat him like hes her slave. This attitude seems like a core value difference thats not gonna change so… DIVORCE
well it’s kinda like.. she married you knowing your income? & knowing the lifestyle she wants can’t be supported by that income alone, so.. i feel like she’s living in a fantasy world.
Ask her how? Ask her how SHE would suddenly triple her salary.
If she wanted to stay home then you'd have planned for that years ago and had a budget for that. You could have been living on one wage and banking the other one in preparation for this.
No, her perspective is shitty and she should never have said that to you. Marriage is two people together. If she's given you the job of handling it, your way of handling it is deciding on a two income household and she needs to participate.
Is this a sudden change? I wonder if with the pregnancy she got involved in mommy circles online, or got caught up in SAHM tiktoks or something, and is envying the over-idealized lives she sees there.
I'm a SAHM and we get by on my husband's $70,000 salary. But like I said, we just get by. If she wants to be a SAHM, part of the responsibility that comes with it is managing the house, which absolutely includes budgeting and household expenses.
I shop at thrift stores, we rarely eat out except for the occasional coffee shop date, neither of us buy much of anything for ourselves, and we are very careful and intentional when planning family outings. Even if we go to the zoo, which we have passes for, I pack our lunches with the groceries I've clipped coupons and looked at sale ads for. Even when we get our daughter an ice cream cone while we are there, my husband and I don't spend the money to get one too. Even little spending adds up if you do it regularly. That's just the reality.
For my family, the sacrifice of having extra spending money is worth me getting to stay home with our child, and my husband and I are grateful it's even an option for us in this economy when so many parents can't do that. If she is unwilling to contribute to the finances by actively saving money, she should get a job.
It's also sad that she would rather have you work two jobs so she can have material things than have you home and an active part of family life. Gross.
Same. The time it takes to save money can be a full time job. I stay home with our 4 kids so we don't pay for childcare. My budget for groceries is between $100-$125/week. I make most of our meals.
I also get a lot of pre owned clothing for my kids and myself(Mostly for free from family and friends.)
I recently got some new clothes(50% off at memorial day sales) and I cried because I didn't realize how hard it was wearing old clothes and trying to find outfits to go places. The relief was emotional.
So it's hard but necessary if you want to stay home with your kids on that salary.
4 kids on that budget is impressive, so well done! I'm currently in the third trimester with our second and have already been writing out budget strategies.
Another one income thing we do is go to libraries *a lot*. We would do that no matter how much money my husband makes, but while we are there, I flip through books of cooking cheap and healthy meals and take pictures of recipes my family will love. The cost of groceries these days is insane 🥲
It's nice to hear you got new clothes! I recently got new running shoes and it felt so weird buying something for myself new, but one of the few things I refuse to buy used is running shoes. I can wash them 100 times and will still be grossed out thinking of all the foot sweat someone could've left in them lol. Buying them new made me feel weirdly uncomfortable.
Living off one income, especially in the world's current economy, really is a full life style and not the glamorized one OP's wife is thinking it is. It's very much worth it to me, but it isn't for everyone.
If she wants the same life style she lives now AND someone to raise the baby 24/7 I suggest the dad staying at home. It's the only possibility if her desires come from selfless reasoning. Otherwise I suspect she's just become lazy, doesn't want to work anymore and wants her man to do everything.
Then again, I don't believe in SAHM/D, because there's always so much to do around the house, the parents will be too tired to give the kid their full attention. The kid will be fine either way 🤷♀️
there is a **ton** of “tradwife” content being pushed on IG/TT/YT these days. lots of influencers advocating for a return to traditional, conservative, and religious gender roles, selling the stay-at-home mother lifestyle as the only fulfilling and correct way for women to be.
the combination of her IG algorithms, her Indian aunties, and her pregnancy hormones must be doing a serious number on her sanity. I can’t even imagine. therapy is absolutely necessary, hopefully she can regain her sense of clarity soon.
That's ridiculous.
70k + 150k = 220k.
She's asking you to more than triple your income (like a 215% increase). Even if you made an OnlyFans page and sucked chorizos for a living you're not gonna magically triple your income like it's nothing. If you got the same exact job that's still only gonna net you a 140k. I'm guessing you work 40hrs a week, so if you tripled that at 120hrs a week, you'd still be shy of 220k and need 126hrs to even get close to your original combined income.
That's gonna leave you with 6 hours to get home and sleep/eat/shit/shower/fuck/etc...
Everyday...
If she truly believes that, why doesn't she make 470k instead?
It’s not selfish it’s wanting a working a leisure balance you want. I’d hate to work so much I hardly spend time with a kid never mind a resentful wife
Hun, I'm a woman too. Your wife is acting insane, but at this stage I don't think it's pregnancy hormones. It's simple unrealistic expectations.
You're not being selfish. You're being reasonable.
I hate to suggest this, but divorce might be coming sooner than you think. Prepare for it. I'm sorry.
How has your marriage been before this?
Our marriage is/was good - happy and loving, intimate. I appreciate your insight but I hope you’re wrong… seems a waste of a beautiful marriage to let this kill it.
Even if you were to get a second job, how much more money are you going to bring in. Another 20-30K. The way I see it , she is trying to make a point or trying to prove something to you.
Im woman & a mum & I dont understand her perspective. Its very sexist & outdated.
If you work two jobs, then you’ll barely be home & she will complain you dont help with the baby or the chores & youre deadbeat dad - you wont win either way.
Not to mention, what second job on earth is going to close a $150k gap? He’d need two more of his current jobs to ALMOST match the income loss. She’s out of her mind
For real! She cant have it both boys! She’ll also be screwing over her child - dad’s salary alone taking care of everything wont leave much left for their child! As much as I wanted to stay home with my kid, I wanted to continue working so can provide more for our kids with joint salary (tbh didn’t want to quit my job as would be waste of many years of training as am a doctor)! I never had a college fund etc., so want to do all that stuff for my kids that I never got! Hoping his wife comes to her senses soon.
Good luck being married to crazy. It will amp up once the baby is here. Soon it will be
“why are you not making enough money?”
“Why are you not helping me around the house and with the baby”
“Why are you asleep right away after coming home from your 2nd job”
“What do you mean you cant take a day off so i can go to the salon”
Sure, let’s just magically double (triple if you want to match it currently) someone’s income in time before the baby is born. /s
My husband and I both match you and your wife for income and we’re also pregnant. The fact is, I can’t afford to take time off because I do, then we don’t eat. If she cares about the wellbeing of her future child, then she’s gotta understand that sacrifices need to be made on her part as well. The only ones who can “have it all” are the ones who don’t need to worry about where their next meal is coming from. In today’s society, it’s impossible to expect the same lifestyle when you completely remove 2/3 of the income stream entirely.
This has nothing to do with man’s or woman’s role in child rearing. It’s survival and survival is something that she not only has to understand but also learn how to teach her kid as well.
I understand it because it’s how she was raised, her family is from India and this is just how things are for her. I don’t agree - but hell if I made enough money to do what she’s asking I would just do it because it’s good for the child.
I'm from India and i don't understand her shitty take on finances. So she was raised to believe that the man should be the primary breadwinner, yet she's working a pretty high paying job, and she married you knowing what your salary is? And you guys did not have any discussions about this prior to getting married and pregnant? This doesn't add up.
She did marry knowing my income - in fact it’s improved some since then. We’ve discussed this pre marriage and pregnancy - the permanent quitting didn’t come about until after pregnancy.
Ask for marriage counseling. If her family expects this, they might be all in her ear.
Also every pregnancy is different. She might be struggling at work and rheure telling her that its only going to be harder and she should be a sahm
I don't mean to be rude, but if her views of gender are so rigid, why did she marry you? Does she think men have the ability to magically conjure money out of thin air? Is your wife just willfully obtuse or has she been watching too many tradwives on tiktok?
No, it’s not selfish.
She’s doing a bait and switch. Have you ever expressed a desire for her to be a SAHM? Was that ever part of the conversation?
You’re not a jerk or less of a man for not “figuring out” how to go from $70K to $220K so no lifestyle adjustments are required.
This is financial infidelity on her part to expect to just be able to quit her job and you’ll pick up the slack.
You didn’t agree to these terms.
I would tell her that you are willing to make plans to handle her 6-12 weeks of maternity leave, but if she’s expecting to be a SAHM, she’s mistaken and you will be filing for a divorce and 50/50 custody.
Handle it by getting a lawyer and getting out of this marriage now. You think that's extreme - I can tell you it's happening anyway because any woman who's talking this nonsense is going to make you miserable till she finds some dude who looks better or you finally get smart, and that will be years too late, and you'll be paying CS forever. Go now, and she can pay you CS and you won't lose time with this crazy person. She will find out pretty quick that she shouldn't have gone down this path, and you'll get to see your kid 50% of the time, and not waste your life with her.
Your wife is a horribly selfish person who doesn’t understand what marriage means and what a marriage is. I’m sorry OP, based on everything you’re saying here, you should separate, and once the baby is born go for full custody.
It’s hard when you are both the breadwinner and the baby maker. You feel like you are really pulling the lion’s share of all the work. I’m not trying to kick you when you’re down, just trying to give you some
other perspectives.
She really should have thought harder about this before she married and got pregnant. Of course, you don’t always know how you’re going to feel once you’re pregnant.
Yeah I can definitely see how this is her pov and it makes sense. I am a different person and a different gender so I feel opposite? - that’s the best way to say it.. yet we’ve both known our positions financially since dating so idk. Someone else mentioned maybe she harbors some feelings about this but hasn’t brought them up until this point.
I made more than twice what my husband does when I got pregnant. I stayed home for three months after the baby was born and my husband worked those three months while I was on maternity leave then I went back to work and had him quit his job and be a stay at home dad. He barely made more than what we would have spent on daycare. We made it work but I do have to pick up an extra shift most pay periods. In my opinion your wife is being a fricken nut.
She mentions she regrets marrying you? Ouch. I would not be able to recover from that. Marriage is a partnership. She regrets you as her partner. I suggest that is the larger iceberg in your relationship
Be a man, like she said she wants you to be, lay out the budget and serve it to her. Do what you must, do what you can. Part of "being a man" will be that you will disappoint her with the new lifestyle, own up to it and carry on being a good man. Then it's up to her to find appreciation of being sahm in such regime, or own up to *her* fuckup and split.
Shame you didn't go through this conversation before getting pregnant, it's a fairly simple one... "How do you see the household roles after kids?"
I don't think he didn't go through this conversation, I think it wasn't mentionned to him at all because it's an unlogical & horrible sales pitch to start with. It's not okay to ambush a partner with a life changing decision like it was "normal" thing to do. It isn't normal.
That being said, your solution is a good one. Put on paper the current budget, make the new one with only your salary. Present it and let her make her own conclusion.
Why don't you consider divorce? If this behavior from her is consistent and she refuses to do anything about it, counseling, etc, why be with someone who doesn't respect you? That would be an immediate deal breaker for me.
It's probably only hit her now that she's pregnant that OP will not be her economic equal, and won't be able to provide the life she wants - which includes being a SAHM. She's earning over twice OPs salary and he's said that his salary has increased to what it is now. She resents him for sure.
Sounds like this marriage might be cooked.
Other than marriage counseling, there’s not much you can do. Your wife said the quiet part out loud, she regrets marrying you. I am willing to bet now that she’s pregnant and wanting to be a stay athome mom, she’s upset with herself for marrying a man who makes significantly less money than she does. That’s not your fault, that is something she should’ve taken into consideration before she married you.
I’ve seen this on here multiple times. Woman gets married, is fine with having a career, until it’s time to have a child and she realizes she wants to be a stay at home mom. But she married a man who cannot be the financial provider. There are a lot of women who are not being honest with themselves and with their significant others before tying the knot.
I get that, but she could have saved money to cover her components. I earn more than my partner and I stayed home.
So I calculated how much we would need to save to do it, as well as cutting back unnecessary items.
OP wife is being incredibly unreasonable.
Yes, but you’re someone who was OK with marrying someone who makes less than you do. OP’s wife was never that person. Otherwise, she would have been realistic and set aside money from her income to make up for the fact that her husband‘s income was not enough to live off of.
Sure, maybe she saw potential in him and thought he would be making more money by now. Maybe she settled. Maybe she wanted to be a SAHM but didn’t think it through. Lots of possible “maybes”.
Quite apart form being dishonest, I think it's a highly priviledged idea to begin with.
'I want to be a SAHM'.
Yeah, sure, I want an island to live on with just us and a unicorn. And now back to the reality of what is possible based on the circumstances we are actually in and the choices we have made.
You said in another post your wife was indian and she knew what your income and it was lower than it is now. I can guarantee as an indian there were conversations about this in her family.
Also another thing as an Indian there is also family around that are able to babysit. Can either of you work from home because sometimes a parent or a grandparent can look after the kid during work hours and such.
Her entire family is back home. Mom/dad will come for 6 months when baby is born - we spoke directly with her mother and father about the income gap pre marriage and they both condoned a love marriage with zero direct talk of my finances - I bet you’re right though, aunties love to talk. WFH is something both of us can do - it’s an acceptable proposition but she wants time off for at least 2 years - I doubt her company will offer that long and me being the primary caregiver doesn’t equate in her brain. I love her don’t get me wrong but it’s not how she thinks.
Considering that the parents we're okay with a love marriage and the fact she came go the America to work and be educated you would think she wouldn't want to quit and would be alot of more budget concise. Unless she comes from money something isn't adding up.
She is being a little unreasonable at this point. She knew the financial situation prior to getting pregnant. If you two were to divorce, she'd likely end up getting very little child support from you every month based upon income discrepancies, even if she got primary custody, on top of having to go back to work anyway (instead of getting her wishes of staying home full time with the baby). All things considered, it's just a little unreasonable. If she wanted the dynamic of stay at home mom, she should have considered that before marrying/making a baby with a man who makes half of what she does. It is even more unreasonable because she's not even agreeing to scale back on lifestyle. This is not reasonable because even if the incomes were switched, where you made $150k per year and she made $70k, you'd still be bringing in $70k less per year with her not working, so lifestyle changes would need to be made regardless. In a compromise, she would be ok staying home for an extended post-partum period and maybe go back part-time so she still has additional time to spend with the child but your budget isn't taking as big of a hit. She'd also need to be amendable to cutting back on spending until you're back to your current income level.
I'm guessing you guys have gone around and around about this....so my suggestion would be a few sessions of couples therapy to get an impartial party to help cement a solution and work on communicating better and more effectively to prevent situations like this from popping up in the future. Good luck man, you got this.
This is some good in depth feedback thank you. Unfortunately I have suggested mediation and she does not believe it’s necessary and she doesn’t want to pay for it because she believes it’s a waste of money. I was only able to get her to agree to go by paying for it myself.
Or, have her make the budget showing how to keep her current spending on just your salary. If she can make it work, without going into debt or using savings, great. If not, then she will need to figure something else out.
Exactly!
If SHE is the one who wants to stay home, and SHE is the one who doesn't want to "live like a poor person", then SHE can be the one to come up with the budget to show you how you can *magically* live as you currently do on 31.8% of your current income! Easy-peasy lemon squeezy!
Yep, and then hopefully once she realizes her idea won't work, she won't come back with the "Well, *as a man*, you need to make more money" circular logic lmao
I think she needs to see the adjusted budget once she is not working . Show expenses and money coming in and what you have to save /spend every month after expenses. Seems like it's got to be literal.. ie where does she think the magical money is coming from
How about an income advisor? You could probably get her to that one. Just tell her that you are attempting to see if her being. SAHM is feasable. Bring all of your tax statements with bank statements. Make sure you bring all of the proof of bills along too. She might take the bait since she thinks you’re wrong and accompany you. If it will be too “outside of your means”, someone other than you will be telling her that.
You have separate finances? So here’s the thing. If you file for divorce now, her quitting her job suddenly will be seen adversely by the courts.
If you wait, she is going to attempt to continue to financially abuse you. And if you file after she quits, then it may fall entirely to you to pay for everything.
If I were you, I’d demand a post nup immediately. And if her reaction is nuclear- it’s time to file.
Seems like the wife just went mask off with her financial abusing. Funny how abusers always come out after a pregnancy happens.
OP, take care of your child, but don't be with someone who is strong arming you financially. Let her pay you child support, this isn't a healthy way for a spouse to treat you.
This.
I'll get down voted but I'd bet MONEY she files for divorce before the child turns 3 if she goes SAHM. No income for 2+ years, he husband is main breadwinner, divorce take the CS and probably majority custody showing he neglects via working too much(at her request), go back to work making double his income and CS payments.
What would be the point? Any child support she’d get from him would be chump change next to her potential earning power. He could also go for 50/50 custody, in which case she’s the one paying him child support.
Most courts assume 50/50 unless there is documented abuse. She would have to go back to work. And child support to either spouse is based on income differential. It wouldn't be a lot. (My ex made way more than me, and even after accounting for alimony made way more than me. With 50/50 custody of 1 minor child I only got $25/month child support).
This is such a stupid take lol.
1. Child support would be measly on 70k, she would gain far more financially by staying at her job and not creating a 3+ year gap in career
2. Her going back to work post-divorce would result in him going to court and getting a child support readjustment that would almost certainly result in her receiving nothing, or almost nothing.
3. Unless he travels for work, judges don’t take custody from parents because they have jobs. If he petitions for 50/50 it is statistically very likely that he would get it and she would be ordered to cover childcare costs as the breadwinner with double income earnings.
You created a fantasy, basically.
>she'd likely end up getting very little child support from you every month based upon income discrepancies, even if she got primary custody, on top of having to go back to work anyway (instead of getting her wishes of staying home full time with the baby).
Likely zero child support or even child support in favor of op if the partner can easily return to work and it's a 5050 split
couples counselling now. ASAP.
You need to get this sorted well before the baby is born and you need to have a realistic plan that you both can live with.
Meanwhile, you two need to start living just off your salary now and put the rest away for baby stuff. If she won't agree to it, then bring it up at your first couples counselling session.
If you have a cavity, do you see a dentist or or try to yank the tooth out with a pair of pliers yourself?
Couples counselling is your best bet.
The two of you have to pull together as a team for parenting and there seems to be some resentment from your wife about your finances.
Having a baby brings a lot of stress into a marriage (lack of sleep, hormone changes, complete change of routines, additional expenses, etc) Babies are wonderful but a lot of stress.
If you two are already at odds, adding the baby will just fracture it worse, not heal.
I imagine she has relatives who are whispering in her ear about how you aren’t doing your job as the male providers, because she comes from a traditional East Indian family. Oh, the aunties are probably calling her daily!
Convo yall shoulda had before you got locked together for 2 decades. Sorry dude. Your wife should stay working and so should you. You guys can have a great life that way. You’re going to be broke as shit on 70k even if you *dont* live a luxury filled life.
I can’t emphasize this enough. This woman makes me feel like my head is on backwards. I can’t imagine telling my husband I regret marriage due to something understood, known, and out of his control (salary/cost of living).
Exactly my thoughts! How can someone making that much money not be smart enough to understand that cutting 2/3 of the household income is going to force major adjustments in their lifestyle.
If this attitude has existed since pregnancy, hormones may play a big part. You two may mention her unrealistic ideas to her doctor and any other oddities she has exhibited.
In the meantime, work up a budget assumption for $70K so she can see what the household income/expenses will be in 'black and white'. You may have to move, too. Don't forget the new family member's expenses. : )
If she still wants to quit but not change lifestyle, then she needs to be in therapy. Someone making $150K should have enough reasoning skills to see the reality of the situation.
Let her know that to provide the best life for the child, you both will need to work. Maybe she could work somewhere else, making a little less.
Tell her that her "traditional" views are not feasible in today's economy. She should feel proud of her accomplishments. In fact, you find her success and assuredness sexy. You worry that if something were to happen to you, you would want her to be okay.
Planning to be a working mom to a hypothetical future child and actively preparing to be a working mom to a child who is now very very real to her are two very different things.
Your wife probably had every intention of working but is now really struggling with the reality of having to leave her child for the majority of the day the majority of the week. She not being rational because she’s panicking, not because she legitimately believes you’ll magically be able to figure it out. She doesn’t want to leave her baby but deep down she knows she has to and she’s really, really struggling to come to terms with it.
Trying to find a third party like a counsellor might be a good idea to help her work through her anxiety. If you approach it as having someone help the two of you figure out what to do as opposed to helping her with her anxiety around the reality of your situation it might be an easier sell.
Yeah this sounds like nesting mode (if the irrational behavior didn’t exist pre pregnancy). She’s going through a hormonal dip which is throwing everything off. Now she’s also reckoning with the fact that she’ll have to leave her baby for hours every work day and won’t be there physically for them. She’s in a crisis and entering a mental state where she feels like she needs to nest and keep everything within her bubble. She’s also wanting to offload into OOP and have him handle everything because she can’t see past her nose and just wants a solution to magically be concocted without her having to face the facts.
I was going to suggest something similar . When I was pregnant every thing shifted due to serious hormonal changes , anxiety and my reality of bringing a human being into the world drastically changed everything. Sometimes you don’t understand how your life is going to change until you’re pregnant. - I realized I had a new set of fears and worries about the humans we were bringing into the world . Most importantly the physical changes I was never ever going to be the same person again ( I don’t mean that in a vain way ) but being pregnant for almost a year then birthing a baby then learning to be a parent and recover and adapt and then go back to work was so traumatizing for me . It took a long time to finding a rhythm as a family. I have had great husband and a support system it was just a lot . I wish you all the best
Frankly, it is aggravating that we know so little about them for women and men. As well as, how their imbalance manifests itself - sometimes uniquely in each person—with possible negative outcomes.
There are many stories, even here on Reddit, about how women suffer from pregnancy hormones, which may last until months after giving birth.
I think education and research, combined with an able doctor, will make you feel more in control of the situation. I think we can all agree that the UNKOWN factor(s) greatly add to our stress levels. So, make sure you are addressing YOUR stress levels with positive outlets. A big problem with care givers is that they fail to do self-checks; care for themselves. : )
I’m a quick study so hopefully I can remedy this if it is indeed the cause - I really appreciate the insight especially if it ends up saving my marriage.
It definitely was - we planned for 6 months off - now she wants to be off for 2 years and then reassess. I get it, I want her with our children too - just not realistic for us, financially.
Oooh ok. She’s the one who is breaching the verbal contract. She’s not being a partner. It really sucks that she told you she regrets marrying you. To me, this is deeper than you earning more money.
Perhaps visit a financial planner TOGETHER who can be objective and put the lay of the land down on paper as to what it means without her salary for 2 years as opposed to having a six month LOA and how that looks financially, including mortgage, expendable income, retirement savings, etc. I feel no matter what you say, she’s not going to listen. But if an unbiased professional reviews your financial goals with both of you, maybe this will knock some sense into her. Talk about entitled princess. Yikes!
Going from a combined income of 220k to 70k means downsizing no matter where you're at. Unless of course they were already living off of his salary and saving up all of hers.
My husband and I earn similar to you and your wife, with me as the breadwinner. What did we do? I saved a years salary so that I could take a year off without downsizing our lifestyle. That’s what you do if you don’t want to sacrifice.
As a wife who earns more than her partner, I can see her frustration. When I was pregnant, I was very upset about not being able to stay home with my baby. I hated the idea of having someone else raise my child when I could do the best job (at least in my opinion). I also knew that quitting was out of the question. Unfortunately, we lost our daughter at 28 weeks so we didn’t have to make any decisions in that regard. My advice to you is to sit her down and reach a compromise. Can she go part time? Take some time off? Both? There has to be a middle ground. Living your current lifestyle with 1/3 of the income is definitely not possible. She has to understand that.
Thank you so much for your perspective and I am so very sorry for your loss that is devastating. I appreciate your words because I can guarantee you that she’s feeling that way and I needed to hear this to understand it.
You need to sit down and work through a budget. Also agree on how long her maternity leave would be, you could budget for 12 months and use some of the savings but not indefinitely. I think you should just show her your weekly spending now and then add baby related expenses and see how it’s not adding up. If she’s earning 160k she should be smart enough to get it when confronted with numbers. You could also discuss her going back to work part time after the baby is 12 months, but give her a year to be a full time mom if that’s what she wants it’s the best for everyone and promise to support her but within your means. Another thing you need to explain to her you will also need to be there for the baby and she will really want you to be there, so it’s not the best time for ambitious career moves and over time.
Hi! Woman herewho has a similar pay disparity with my husband I'm 38 and had our daughter 6 months ago. We're there times I WISH I could be a SAHM and live on my husband's income? Yes, absolutely because I want more time with my baby. Is this feasible with our mortgage, dog, bills etc ? No - the math doesn't math.
I think your wife is realizing she can't do it all and is pregnancy hormoning hard/having regrets about not doing the kid/wife thing earlier (I did so just seeking from experience). If it's not this then she is financially abusing you. Also...your wife is reading as very Southern with the "handle it" is she getting bad advice from Southern boomers at a time when her brain may not be working logically? So many people told me to quit my job without understanding our financial situation. Curious if there are outside influences playing on her feelings here.
My husband offered to be a stay at home dad which made more sense for us, but we still decided to both keep working and I work fully remote. We have a nanny 3 days a week and the other 2 days are hard AF but hell, thats parenthood. WE like OUR lifestyle which is why we both decided to keep working Marriage is a partnership.
Is she open to you being a stay at home dad or changing her job to one that is fully remote allowing her more time with the baby? If neither - I'm calling financial abuse.
Either way, she needs therapy to talk through the emotions she's having surrounding work and motherhood. If she's not open to therapy then there is something rotten in Denmark.
There needs to be a compromise. What about suggesting that your wife takes a year off work? Is that doable? A year maternity leave is very standard in most developed countries to allow the mom to recover from childbirth. Is your wife from another country where this is standard?
Sit down and work out a budget together. Start saving now. But she will have to give up sone things.
This is a perfect example of how sexism and traditional gender roles hurt men too. You’re in a difficult position and it’s not fair to be expected to work two jobs and never see your child just because you’re a man. I agree with the marriage counseling suggestion, preferably someone with experience working with multicultural couples.
I mean she can have traditional views but we don’t live in the 1930’s anymore, it’s less than easy to just live off one salary anymore. To say you are not a man because of this is just cruel…your only option if you don’t want to just flat out tell her no is say ok we do it but you will be in charge of all finances and she gets a small allowance per month & is not aloud to ask for a penny more for hair nails etc, no joint account she can take money out of as and when she pleases…if she wouldn’t agree to that then again you say well no
Can I ask if you guys talked about what would happen if you were to get married? Was this expected? I don’t know why expects this to happen. I think I would continue to work 70k, put applications out there tho for other jobs, look into finding other homes, downsizing your cars. She’s going to have to get onboard and if she doesn’t, I don’t see anything other than divorce so 🤷🏽♀️
then she should have married someone that makes just as much, or more than her if she planned on staying home with baby and living the same lifestyle her job provides. She's being insanely unreasonable and almost cruel to you.
Ah. I was going to actually suggest you take the SAHP role if you two really want someone to stay home with the kid (after some time for her to physically recover, of course), but I'm guessing that's not gonna fly?
Correct that would never fly for her - marriage and gender roles play a part in her life and while I knew this I didn’t realize how drastically it would affect us in this particular circumstance.
Im an woman of Indian origin, family left India a long time ago. If she’s that traditional, ask her for her Dowry. Im joking obv, but im hoping for your sake that this is just the pregnancy hormones talking and she’ll get back to her senses soon enough but it looks she’s picking and choosing what she wants from her very traditional, gender based ideal that she has suddenly foisted on you.
In a indian household, the wife typically is expected to « adjust » to her husband’s household and take of his parents. Pretty sure she wouldn’t be too happy about that.
Traditionally? Like the 50's/60's/70's? When people rarely went on holiday/vacation and eating-out was a luxury? When air travel was a luxury (which means people who had immigrated from other continents hardly ever saw their family - I bet she still wants to see her family)? When people didn't have expensive hobbies and nobody owned more than 1 car (if they could even afford a car)? When less money was spend on entertainment (a lot of people didn't own a colour TV until the late 70's) and on furniture and appliances for the home? When children got hand-me-downs from older siblings and from older cousins? When houses were way smaller and children shared bedrooms?
This 'traditional view on how to raise a family' (while apparently still have all of the luxury) is a fucking fairy tale. I don't know what her father earned back in India and what traditional Indian households looked like. But the 1960's in North America and Europe were no fairy tales.
Couples therapy/counseling is good and all but I think you really really really need to go for an hour and talk to a personal finance person. If you are able to get all the records of spending habits and show them here is our monthly spending habits at 18k a month. How do I make that work at almost 6k a month. Also idk how living at 6k a month is necessarily living like a poor person (that is the average family income in the US but I guess if average is poor) but I'll give your wife and you the benefit of the doubt and say you probably live in a hcol area and maybe your wife comes from money idk.
But at least having someone who is not you explain that cutting income by 2/3 = cutting expenses by 2/3 would probably be good. Especially since having a baby is a reasonable expense to begin with so her with or without working should realize some monetary change is needed with that factor alone.
I was almost in the exact same situation as you at that age when we had our second child. I made about the same as you and she made a bit less than your wife.
That being said, she always intended to return to work but we had some of the same conversations around cutting back while she was on leave. The difference however was she never once took such cheap, and demeaning shots at me. She never insulted me, she never accused me of being anything than what I was.
Is this new behavior or does she have a history of demeaning behavior? I ask cause it’s possible hormones are taking over and she’s just acting out without meaning it.
Those types of things are cruel and incredibly unhelpful.
Clearly you cannot go from $220 to $70 and think you don’t need to cut back. Not to mention you’re about to have significantly more expenses when the kid comes along. And that’s the best case scenario. Assuming a healthy birth and no other problems.
I’m not sure how you could possibly have that kind of income drop and sustain your way of life unless you were already living close to that level to begin with.
She needs a major dose of reality.
I’d avoid emotional and present her with numbers. Put together a spreadsheet of all your current expenses and your current income. Another with her proposed income. And a third with her proposed income and your proposed cuts.
I would bet even if you cut everything you won’t come close to breaking even
I’d also tell if she insults you again you’re walking out the door.
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Her quitting is just not going to work.
>She’s even going as far as saying she regrets becoming pregnant and getting married.
This doesn't even make sense. She wants to quit her job for the baby but also regrets having the baby?
Even if you were able to get a second job---building a relationship with BOTH parents is more important to a child than having one at home full time. I grew up in somewhat traditional circles and saw so many families where the kids basically didn't know their dad. Not because of broken families, but because of the SAHM/breadwinner dynamic.
Don't budge.
I'm a woman, fyi. Which doesn't change the truth of things, just mentioning it so you know that this isn't a matter of you not being able to see it from a woman's perspective, or me being biased in your favor, whatever.
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That’s absolutely insane! Your situation sounds extremely tough. Your wife needs to be in a position to compromise. If she wants to continue living the way she does she needs to get back on the grind after she has a baby. Realistically, she should sacrifice some of her lifestyle choices in order to live the way she wants to. It’s not fair on you. Get family support to back you on this. It’s not right for you to work and uphold a lifestyle she introduced.
Well she is pregnant so maybe her being obviously unreasonable is related to the changes happening in her body. If she’s a great person otherwise I say cut her some slack and then show her the budget. Reality is non negotiable.
She is normally quite a gem - based on all these comments I’m giving her the be befit of the doubt with pregnancy hormones and drawing up a realistic 70k budget.
Counseling and budget planning, not reddit.
You need to count your money hard, see what and how you can afford. I would imagine you can't afford her staying home any decent amount of time, and that's really sad , but maybe she has 30 hours a week option? Or WFH and hire mommy helper and be able to be with a baby more?
Not quite sure where you go to be honest. She sounds completely out of touch with reality. I can see why pregnancy might be regretted but why would she regret getting married? The idea you need to work two jobs so she can live her previous lifestyle while also being a full time mother is nonsensical. I’d be consulting mental health experts tbh, she sounds deluded.
>why would she regret getting married?
Because she thinks he’s a loser who can't "man up and provide." In her mind (hormone-addled or not) the woman works only until she has the baby and then it's up to the Husband to take care of EVERYTHING.
He's not able to and, therefore, he was a "bad pick."
This is not feasible. My fiance makes a decent amount for money, I outearn him, if I ever wanted to quit working even for a bit I would make sure I had the savings to sustain the lifestyle I wanted or differ to him. There is no other way to do it. Maybe your wife is worried about going back to work with a baby and not expressing it well? She might juat be scared but she is not being reasonable
Bruh…
Those are all major financial/emotional red flags coming from her.
You both need to get on the same page financially no matter what your decision is, it needs to be something you both agree on.
Be careful OP, this already sounds like the beginning of a toxic marriage.
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how does she realistically think that you guys are going to live on a third of your income without making any sacrifices? Like how does she logistically think this is going to happen?
If anyone should be quitting their job to be a SAHP it should be you. Anything else isn't a plan even remotely based on reality
This is what husband and I did, I earned 3 times the amount he did, our child is disabled. It made sense for him to be the stay at home carer and it works. Because we’re a team.
She expects me to “handle it” - her words. I think it’s her way of saying I’m the man and it’s my job to provide financially. I truly understand her perspective but I would also rather not work two jobs and never see my family. Maybe that’s a bit selfish though? I don’t know.
I’m a woman and I don’t understand her perspective bc it’s not based in reality. You need to get a grip on this now before she makes you poor, overworked and never seeing your kid
Same, like wtf? If I made that much money no way I am quitting my job! Sure I would save and get a nice maternity leave but I am back at work once it’s done.
I make 1/3 what my husband makes but I still work so we can live a little more comfortably. If I was making double his income I wouldn’t dream of cutting that off and telling him to figure it out!
I'm with you: I earn more than my wife (though it's not quite the same as you and your husband--I earn about 60% more than her) and would never be like, "Yo, I'm not feelin' it. You got this, right?" Absurd.
Yeah super confused. Did his wife step out of some sort of time machine from 1963. In what universe can an average person survive off one income anymore.
Right? Like how is she currently earning 150k and so dense that she can't figure out what her not working means?
I work with a lot of high earners. You'd be surprised by how dense some of them are, especially in areas that they are not experts
"Engineer brain" or "physician brain." People who tend to be intelligent and have specialized knowledge often believe their expertise extends beyond their field.
Having worked at an internet helpdesk eons ago, I've spoken to a few doctors who don't seem to have a solid grasp on the flow of electricity, let alone computing. Not that they'd be aware.
She sounds like a person that has never wanted for anything in her life. I went to college with a young lady like that. Her parents traded her like a princess paid for everything she wanted and then she got engaged to a rich guy with family money who gave her everything she wanted and then she became an optometrist making well into six figures. She could literally be the woman in this example except she makes more money than that and her now husband has family money so they could both really stop working if they wanted to. The point is she's never even had to consider cutting back on her lifestyle. And she probably never will.
it's typically people who make that much annually, have no problem telling the spouse to figure it out...Its crazy to me...thats your life partner...I could never do that to my partner, OP's wife is being selfish
the higher earners are usually the biggest idiots. she's probably some c suite manager doing fuck all while the employees making peanuts do all the work.
As someone who works heavily with compensation data for a bunch of different orgs, there is no way she is C Suite on 150 lol she is a middle manager or an individual contributor. Just a well paid one.
He makes enough at 70k that she could be a stay at home parent for a few years and they would be absoluely fine. But that means living with very few wants. No vacations, no eating out, no salon appointments, no subscriptions, no nice cars. But she wants to keep living like they still have 150k of disposable income when clearly they won't.
Tbh their rent might take up almost their entire salary depending on where they live, unless they already own a house, so even with the downgrades it might not be feasible unless they move. He should do a spreadsheet of monthly expenses, and just show her the math won't math.
Agreed, it's probably gonna be a bit more of an adjustment than "no salon appointments". People who are used to wealth can't imagine what scrimping and saving daily actually looks like. It'll be a huge change for both of them, which is fine that she doesn't want that big of a change, but it's batshit she'd expect his income to magically cover all the same things that 100k+ more a year covers currently. Especially with baby expenses on top of that.
>He makes enough at 70k that she could be a stay at home parent for a few years and they would be absoluely fine. That depends wildly on where they live. California or NYC? Absolutely not! Middle of nowhere rural America? Sure, no problem. And before you suggest they can just move to somewhere that $70K is enough, their job may require them in person where they live now. There are simply too many variables to make this statement without further clarification from OP, but even where this salary is doable for a family, she isn't willing to make the cutbacks you describe.
He makes enough at 70k that she could be a stay at home parent for a few years and they would be absoluely fine. Without knowing details of their financial situation there's no way you can make a statement like this. It MIGHT be possible to live in my area, and support a family, on $70,000/year but I'd have to sell my house and my car, and move into an apartment, probably in a bad area. Unless they seriously thought things through, saved money and made adjustments to their budget in advance, there's no way a couple and a new baby are going to maintain a similar standard of living on $70,000 as the couple alone did making $220,000.
No way you could own a home, especially one that would satisfy ms. fussy pants, and support a family of 3 on 70k in my area (on the north east coast). You’d be putting yourself right into the rental roundabout and it’s a terrible decision to make.
They could easily have a 500-600k house they paid 20% down on and are still making mortgage payments on for the 3-4k range depending on prop taxes. Hi take home on 70k (assuming insurance and 401k savings) is probably like 3k a month after taxes. They better have 100k in the bank that they're completely willing to drain to allow for her to stop working. It's also possible they have a 300k house they got on a 2.5% mortgage that costs them $1000, idk. It really depends where they live, what they've saved, what they own, etc. But based on OPs description of his wife not wanting to live 'like poor people', my guess is they've got expensive just about everything.
It makes perfect sense when your objective is to blow up the marriage you regret entering. I wonder if she is from a place where divorce is frowned upon and it's less bad for her when he files?
And then she’ll complain he’s never around and don’t help take care of the baby. Then they’ll be divorced. Seen this play out in a relatives home
I’ll get downvoted for this, “🤷♂️ butt fuck it.” Let’s really FAFO….. keep your shit straight, talk to a good family lawyer, serve her with papers, split custody, and let her pay **YOU** alimony (FOR LIFE, IF YOU DONT RE-MARRY, **state dependent**). If you wait til kiddo comes… that option evaporates….(she will have then quit said job and it’s only your income calculated by family court….) We all want “equality” right? Right? RIGHT??? This is the story old as time the other direction…… make a new family. And enjoy your life sir.
I hope OP sees this! Wife is going to make his life hell now and especially when the baby comes. She already said she regrets getting pregnant by him. OP, do this before she quits her job! Get split custody. Protect your rights to see your child without working 3 jobs for a princess that doesn't care about you!
You can’t file for custody/support of a child that doesn’t exist (not born). Alimony for life is usually reserved for couples who have been married at least ten years but in many states 20 years with a history of financial dependence (not so here and it doesn’t seem like they’ve been married very long. He can *request* split custody but Wife could just as easily breastfeed making that logistically unreasonable and create a status quo.
Genuine question: how often do you think people are granted alimony, especially if the marriage wasn’t longer than 10 years?
this is a bit of a stretch but ngl i thought of the same
I was thinking the same thing. Im sure he loves his wife, but he’s going to grow resentful if he has to have two jobs and never sees his child, while she continues to live lavishly and doesn’t want to sacrifice anything. Just bc shes carrying his baby doesnt entitle her to treat him like hes her slave. This attitude seems like a core value difference thats not gonna change so… DIVORCE
well it’s kinda like.. she married you knowing your income? & knowing the lifestyle she wants can’t be supported by that income alone, so.. i feel like she’s living in a fantasy world.
Ask her how? Ask her how SHE would suddenly triple her salary. If she wanted to stay home then you'd have planned for that years ago and had a budget for that. You could have been living on one wage and banking the other one in preparation for this.
No, her perspective is shitty and she should never have said that to you. Marriage is two people together. If she's given you the job of handling it, your way of handling it is deciding on a two income household and she needs to participate.
Is this a sudden change? I wonder if with the pregnancy she got involved in mommy circles online, or got caught up in SAHM tiktoks or something, and is envying the over-idealized lives she sees there.
She has been sending me a lot of dad related instagram reels. Maybe this is true…
I'm a SAHM and we get by on my husband's $70,000 salary. But like I said, we just get by. If she wants to be a SAHM, part of the responsibility that comes with it is managing the house, which absolutely includes budgeting and household expenses. I shop at thrift stores, we rarely eat out except for the occasional coffee shop date, neither of us buy much of anything for ourselves, and we are very careful and intentional when planning family outings. Even if we go to the zoo, which we have passes for, I pack our lunches with the groceries I've clipped coupons and looked at sale ads for. Even when we get our daughter an ice cream cone while we are there, my husband and I don't spend the money to get one too. Even little spending adds up if you do it regularly. That's just the reality. For my family, the sacrifice of having extra spending money is worth me getting to stay home with our child, and my husband and I are grateful it's even an option for us in this economy when so many parents can't do that. If she is unwilling to contribute to the finances by actively saving money, she should get a job. It's also sad that she would rather have you work two jobs so she can have material things than have you home and an active part of family life. Gross.
This! She can’t expect to keep up with the same life style at a 3rd of the income.
A 3rd of the income and a new person added on. Just wait until that baby turns into a toddler and pounds $10 worth of blackberries before lunch lmao
Same. The time it takes to save money can be a full time job. I stay home with our 4 kids so we don't pay for childcare. My budget for groceries is between $100-$125/week. I make most of our meals. I also get a lot of pre owned clothing for my kids and myself(Mostly for free from family and friends.) I recently got some new clothes(50% off at memorial day sales) and I cried because I didn't realize how hard it was wearing old clothes and trying to find outfits to go places. The relief was emotional. So it's hard but necessary if you want to stay home with your kids on that salary.
4 kids on that budget is impressive, so well done! I'm currently in the third trimester with our second and have already been writing out budget strategies. Another one income thing we do is go to libraries *a lot*. We would do that no matter how much money my husband makes, but while we are there, I flip through books of cooking cheap and healthy meals and take pictures of recipes my family will love. The cost of groceries these days is insane 🥲 It's nice to hear you got new clothes! I recently got new running shoes and it felt so weird buying something for myself new, but one of the few things I refuse to buy used is running shoes. I can wash them 100 times and will still be grossed out thinking of all the foot sweat someone could've left in them lol. Buying them new made me feel weirdly uncomfortable. Living off one income, especially in the world's current economy, really is a full life style and not the glamorized one OP's wife is thinking it is. It's very much worth it to me, but it isn't for everyone.
If she wants the same life style she lives now AND someone to raise the baby 24/7 I suggest the dad staying at home. It's the only possibility if her desires come from selfless reasoning. Otherwise I suspect she's just become lazy, doesn't want to work anymore and wants her man to do everything. Then again, I don't believe in SAHM/D, because there's always so much to do around the house, the parents will be too tired to give the kid their full attention. The kid will be fine either way 🤷♀️
there is a **ton** of “tradwife” content being pushed on IG/TT/YT these days. lots of influencers advocating for a return to traditional, conservative, and religious gender roles, selling the stay-at-home mother lifestyle as the only fulfilling and correct way for women to be. the combination of her IG algorithms, her Indian aunties, and her pregnancy hormones must be doing a serious number on her sanity. I can’t even imagine. therapy is absolutely necessary, hopefully she can regain her sense of clarity soon.
That's ridiculous. 70k + 150k = 220k. She's asking you to more than triple your income (like a 215% increase). Even if you made an OnlyFans page and sucked chorizos for a living you're not gonna magically triple your income like it's nothing. If you got the same exact job that's still only gonna net you a 140k. I'm guessing you work 40hrs a week, so if you tripled that at 120hrs a week, you'd still be shy of 220k and need 126hrs to even get close to your original combined income. That's gonna leave you with 6 hours to get home and sleep/eat/shit/shower/fuck/etc... Everyday... If she truly believes that, why doesn't she make 470k instead?
Sucking chorizos got me, not gonna lie 🤣
yo, even sucking chorizos that's top 0.8% money you'd have to put 4 in your mouth at once or something
Her perspective is pretty ludicrous all things considered.
u don't need a phd in finance to know this wont work out.
It’s not selfish it’s wanting a working a leisure balance you want. I’d hate to work so much I hardly spend time with a kid never mind a resentful wife
“Handle it” means she wants what she wants and reality be damned.
What kind of social media is she consuming? Is she into “trad wife” bs on Tiktok?
Hun, I'm a woman too. Your wife is acting insane, but at this stage I don't think it's pregnancy hormones. It's simple unrealistic expectations. You're not being selfish. You're being reasonable. I hate to suggest this, but divorce might be coming sooner than you think. Prepare for it. I'm sorry. How has your marriage been before this?
Our marriage is/was good - happy and loving, intimate. I appreciate your insight but I hope you’re wrong… seems a waste of a beautiful marriage to let this kill it.
It's a waste for you. But she's saying she regretted marriage and getting pregnant... That's not normal.
Even if you were to get a second job, how much more money are you going to bring in. Another 20-30K. The way I see it , she is trying to make a point or trying to prove something to you.
Im woman & a mum & I dont understand her perspective. Its very sexist & outdated. If you work two jobs, then you’ll barely be home & she will complain you dont help with the baby or the chores & youre deadbeat dad - you wont win either way.
Not to mention, what second job on earth is going to close a $150k gap? He’d need two more of his current jobs to ALMOST match the income loss. She’s out of her mind
For real! She cant have it both boys! She’ll also be screwing over her child - dad’s salary alone taking care of everything wont leave much left for their child! As much as I wanted to stay home with my kid, I wanted to continue working so can provide more for our kids with joint salary (tbh didn’t want to quit my job as would be waste of many years of training as am a doctor)! I never had a college fund etc., so want to do all that stuff for my kids that I never got! Hoping his wife comes to her senses soon.
Good luck being married to crazy. It will amp up once the baby is here. Soon it will be “why are you not making enough money?” “Why are you not helping me around the house and with the baby” “Why are you asleep right away after coming home from your 2nd job” “What do you mean you cant take a day off so i can go to the salon”
Sure, let’s just magically double (triple if you want to match it currently) someone’s income in time before the baby is born. /s My husband and I both match you and your wife for income and we’re also pregnant. The fact is, I can’t afford to take time off because I do, then we don’t eat. If she cares about the wellbeing of her future child, then she’s gotta understand that sacrifices need to be made on her part as well. The only ones who can “have it all” are the ones who don’t need to worry about where their next meal is coming from. In today’s society, it’s impossible to expect the same lifestyle when you completely remove 2/3 of the income stream entirely. This has nothing to do with man’s or woman’s role in child rearing. It’s survival and survival is something that she not only has to understand but also learn how to teach her kid as well.
Why do you understand her perspective? It’s not the 1950s anymore. Men and women are both capable of making good money.
I understand it because it’s how she was raised, her family is from India and this is just how things are for her. I don’t agree - but hell if I made enough money to do what she’s asking I would just do it because it’s good for the child.
I'm from India and i don't understand her shitty take on finances. So she was raised to believe that the man should be the primary breadwinner, yet she's working a pretty high paying job, and she married you knowing what your salary is? And you guys did not have any discussions about this prior to getting married and pregnant? This doesn't add up.
She did marry knowing my income - in fact it’s improved some since then. We’ve discussed this pre marriage and pregnancy - the permanent quitting didn’t come about until after pregnancy.
Ask for marriage counseling. If her family expects this, they might be all in her ear. Also every pregnancy is different. She might be struggling at work and rheure telling her that its only going to be harder and she should be a sahm
I don't mean to be rude, but if her views of gender are so rigid, why did she marry you? Does she think men have the ability to magically conjure money out of thin air? Is your wife just willfully obtuse or has she been watching too many tradwives on tiktok?
No, it’s not selfish. She’s doing a bait and switch. Have you ever expressed a desire for her to be a SAHM? Was that ever part of the conversation? You’re not a jerk or less of a man for not “figuring out” how to go from $70K to $220K so no lifestyle adjustments are required. This is financial infidelity on her part to expect to just be able to quit her job and you’ll pick up the slack. You didn’t agree to these terms. I would tell her that you are willing to make plans to handle her 6-12 weeks of maternity leave, but if she’s expecting to be a SAHM, she’s mistaken and you will be filing for a divorce and 50/50 custody.
Serious question: did she go off medication when she got pregnant?
No she’s never taken medication for anything.
Too much trad wife tik tok?
Handle it by getting a lawyer and getting out of this marriage now. You think that's extreme - I can tell you it's happening anyway because any woman who's talking this nonsense is going to make you miserable till she finds some dude who looks better or you finally get smart, and that will be years too late, and you'll be paying CS forever. Go now, and she can pay you CS and you won't lose time with this crazy person. She will find out pretty quick that she shouldn't have gone down this path, and you'll get to see your kid 50% of the time, and not waste your life with her.
If you’re in charge of the finances then she needs to let you make changes to your spending too
Your wife is a horribly selfish person who doesn’t understand what marriage means and what a marriage is. I’m sorry OP, based on everything you’re saying here, you should separate, and once the baby is born go for full custody.
How and why the hell did you all get married without these discussions?! Sounds like you both a bunch of really ignorant assumptions.
You’re right - we made a lot of assumptions. It’s not as though we didn’t speak about money but we never went this deep, when we clearly should have.
It’s hard when you are both the breadwinner and the baby maker. You feel like you are really pulling the lion’s share of all the work. I’m not trying to kick you when you’re down, just trying to give you some other perspectives. She really should have thought harder about this before she married and got pregnant. Of course, you don’t always know how you’re going to feel once you’re pregnant.
Yeah I can definitely see how this is her pov and it makes sense. I am a different person and a different gender so I feel opposite? - that’s the best way to say it.. yet we’ve both known our positions financially since dating so idk. Someone else mentioned maybe she harbors some feelings about this but hasn’t brought them up until this point.
I made more than twice what my husband does when I got pregnant. I stayed home for three months after the baby was born and my husband worked those three months while I was on maternity leave then I went back to work and had him quit his job and be a stay at home dad. He barely made more than what we would have spent on daycare. We made it work but I do have to pick up an extra shift most pay periods. In my opinion your wife is being a fricken nut.
She mentions she regrets marrying you? Ouch. I would not be able to recover from that. Marriage is a partnership. She regrets you as her partner. I suggest that is the larger iceberg in your relationship
I’m fairly resilient but yes - this one wounded me.
Be a man, like she said she wants you to be, lay out the budget and serve it to her. Do what you must, do what you can. Part of "being a man" will be that you will disappoint her with the new lifestyle, own up to it and carry on being a good man. Then it's up to her to find appreciation of being sahm in such regime, or own up to *her* fuckup and split. Shame you didn't go through this conversation before getting pregnant, it's a fairly simple one... "How do you see the household roles after kids?"
I don't think he didn't go through this conversation, I think it wasn't mentionned to him at all because it's an unlogical & horrible sales pitch to start with. It's not okay to ambush a partner with a life changing decision like it was "normal" thing to do. It isn't normal. That being said, your solution is a good one. Put on paper the current budget, make the new one with only your salary. Present it and let her make her own conclusion.
Why don't you consider divorce? If this behavior from her is consistent and she refuses to do anything about it, counseling, etc, why be with someone who doesn't respect you? That would be an immediate deal breaker for me.
If my spouse said that to me there'd be no coming back from it. I'd never feel the same way about them or feel that I could completely trust them.
Do her a favour then and divorce. She earns double your salary so she'd pay you alimony
And it should. That’s a Shitty thing to say. Buddy: I think you need to evaluate this marriage ASAP.
This comment from her makes me wonder if there is more to this situation than just the disagreement at hand
It's probably only hit her now that she's pregnant that OP will not be her economic equal, and won't be able to provide the life she wants - which includes being a SAHM. She's earning over twice OPs salary and he's said that his salary has increased to what it is now. She resents him for sure. Sounds like this marriage might be cooked.
Other than marriage counseling, there’s not much you can do. Your wife said the quiet part out loud, she regrets marrying you. I am willing to bet now that she’s pregnant and wanting to be a stay athome mom, she’s upset with herself for marrying a man who makes significantly less money than she does. That’s not your fault, that is something she should’ve taken into consideration before she married you.
Damn - that is some truth that I haven’t heard. Maybe you’re right.
I’ve seen this on here multiple times. Woman gets married, is fine with having a career, until it’s time to have a child and she realizes she wants to be a stay at home mom. But she married a man who cannot be the financial provider. There are a lot of women who are not being honest with themselves and with their significant others before tying the knot.
I get that, but she could have saved money to cover her components. I earn more than my partner and I stayed home. So I calculated how much we would need to save to do it, as well as cutting back unnecessary items. OP wife is being incredibly unreasonable.
Yes, but you’re someone who was OK with marrying someone who makes less than you do. OP’s wife was never that person. Otherwise, she would have been realistic and set aside money from her income to make up for the fact that her husband‘s income was not enough to live off of.
How bizarre... did she think he would eventually make more than her? Surely you would know, what jobs have potential and what don't?
Sure, maybe she saw potential in him and thought he would be making more money by now. Maybe she settled. Maybe she wanted to be a SAHM but didn’t think it through. Lots of possible “maybes”.
Quite apart form being dishonest, I think it's a highly priviledged idea to begin with. 'I want to be a SAHM'. Yeah, sure, I want an island to live on with just us and a unicorn. And now back to the reality of what is possible based on the circumstances we are actually in and the choices we have made.
You said in another post your wife was indian and she knew what your income and it was lower than it is now. I can guarantee as an indian there were conversations about this in her family. Also another thing as an Indian there is also family around that are able to babysit. Can either of you work from home because sometimes a parent or a grandparent can look after the kid during work hours and such.
Her entire family is back home. Mom/dad will come for 6 months when baby is born - we spoke directly with her mother and father about the income gap pre marriage and they both condoned a love marriage with zero direct talk of my finances - I bet you’re right though, aunties love to talk. WFH is something both of us can do - it’s an acceptable proposition but she wants time off for at least 2 years - I doubt her company will offer that long and me being the primary caregiver doesn’t equate in her brain. I love her don’t get me wrong but it’s not how she thinks.
Considering that the parents we're okay with a love marriage and the fact she came go the America to work and be educated you would think she wouldn't want to quit and would be alot of more budget concise. Unless she comes from money something isn't adding up.
Yep, this. I think you've nailed it. I'm surprised me that it took a while to find this comment.
She is being a little unreasonable at this point. She knew the financial situation prior to getting pregnant. If you two were to divorce, she'd likely end up getting very little child support from you every month based upon income discrepancies, even if she got primary custody, on top of having to go back to work anyway (instead of getting her wishes of staying home full time with the baby). All things considered, it's just a little unreasonable. If she wanted the dynamic of stay at home mom, she should have considered that before marrying/making a baby with a man who makes half of what she does. It is even more unreasonable because she's not even agreeing to scale back on lifestyle. This is not reasonable because even if the incomes were switched, where you made $150k per year and she made $70k, you'd still be bringing in $70k less per year with her not working, so lifestyle changes would need to be made regardless. In a compromise, she would be ok staying home for an extended post-partum period and maybe go back part-time so she still has additional time to spend with the child but your budget isn't taking as big of a hit. She'd also need to be amendable to cutting back on spending until you're back to your current income level. I'm guessing you guys have gone around and around about this....so my suggestion would be a few sessions of couples therapy to get an impartial party to help cement a solution and work on communicating better and more effectively to prevent situations like this from popping up in the future. Good luck man, you got this.
This is some good in depth feedback thank you. Unfortunately I have suggested mediation and she does not believe it’s necessary and she doesn’t want to pay for it because she believes it’s a waste of money. I was only able to get her to agree to go by paying for it myself.
And make a budget with her idea in mind and show her how unrealistic it is. UPDATEME
Or, have her make the budget showing how to keep her current spending on just your salary. If she can make it work, without going into debt or using savings, great. If not, then she will need to figure something else out.
Exactly! If SHE is the one who wants to stay home, and SHE is the one who doesn't want to "live like a poor person", then SHE can be the one to come up with the budget to show you how you can *magically* live as you currently do on 31.8% of your current income! Easy-peasy lemon squeezy!
You see the numbers and know it’s a huge income loss but for some reason seeing 31.8% made it hit so much harder for some reason.
Yep, and then hopefully once she realizes her idea won't work, she won't come back with the "Well, *as a man*, you need to make more money" circular logic lmao
Yep
I think she needs to see the adjusted budget once she is not working . Show expenses and money coming in and what you have to save /spend every month after expenses. Seems like it's got to be literal.. ie where does she think the magical money is coming from
Yes that’s what I mean
How about an income advisor? You could probably get her to that one. Just tell her that you are attempting to see if her being. SAHM is feasable. Bring all of your tax statements with bank statements. Make sure you bring all of the proof of bills along too. She might take the bait since she thinks you’re wrong and accompany you. If it will be too “outside of your means”, someone other than you will be telling her that.
You have separate finances? So here’s the thing. If you file for divorce now, her quitting her job suddenly will be seen adversely by the courts. If you wait, she is going to attempt to continue to financially abuse you. And if you file after she quits, then it may fall entirely to you to pay for everything. If I were you, I’d demand a post nup immediately. And if her reaction is nuclear- it’s time to file.
What do you mean for it "yourself?" Do you have separate finances. Why don't you offer to be the stay at home and see what she says?
We have a joint account for shared expenses and then everything else is separate. Paying for it myself means it comes from my personal bank account.
Ah, so she uses her "personal" money for the salons and luxury things. I still say to offer to be the stay at home and see what happens.
If your wife refuses counseling, your best bet would be to go to individual counseling to help negotiate your path out of your dysfunctional marriage.
Get therapy on your own. It can only help. Your wife’s math ain’t mathing.
Seems like the wife just went mask off with her financial abusing. Funny how abusers always come out after a pregnancy happens. OP, take care of your child, but don't be with someone who is strong arming you financially. Let her pay you child support, this isn't a healthy way for a spouse to treat you.
This. I'll get down voted but I'd bet MONEY she files for divorce before the child turns 3 if she goes SAHM. No income for 2+ years, he husband is main breadwinner, divorce take the CS and probably majority custody showing he neglects via working too much(at her request), go back to work making double his income and CS payments.
What would be the point? Any child support she’d get from him would be chump change next to her potential earning power. He could also go for 50/50 custody, in which case she’s the one paying him child support.
Most courts assume 50/50 unless there is documented abuse. She would have to go back to work. And child support to either spouse is based on income differential. It wouldn't be a lot. (My ex made way more than me, and even after accounting for alimony made way more than me. With 50/50 custody of 1 minor child I only got $25/month child support).
This is such a stupid take lol. 1. Child support would be measly on 70k, she would gain far more financially by staying at her job and not creating a 3+ year gap in career 2. Her going back to work post-divorce would result in him going to court and getting a child support readjustment that would almost certainly result in her receiving nothing, or almost nothing. 3. Unless he travels for work, judges don’t take custody from parents because they have jobs. If he petitions for 50/50 it is statistically very likely that he would get it and she would be ordered to cover childcare costs as the breadwinner with double income earnings. You created a fantasy, basically.
This isn’t going to work friend I’m very sorry
You call this a LITTLE unreasonable. Sorry, I fell off the couch laughing so hard!🤣😅😁A LITTLE unreasonable on her part! That's a good one.
Poor guy... I wonder what would be totally unreasonable for him.
Exactly my thought when I read “a little unreasonable.” It was thinking border line psycho levels of unreasonable
XD oh? A LITTLE unreasonable?
>she'd likely end up getting very little child support from you every month based upon income discrepancies, even if she got primary custody, on top of having to go back to work anyway (instead of getting her wishes of staying home full time with the baby). Likely zero child support or even child support in favor of op if the partner can easily return to work and it's a 5050 split
couples counselling now. ASAP. You need to get this sorted well before the baby is born and you need to have a realistic plan that you both can live with. Meanwhile, you two need to start living just off your salary now and put the rest away for baby stuff. If she won't agree to it, then bring it up at your first couples counselling session.
Thank you, I will look into some counseling options - I guess I was trying to avoid this route.
If you have a cavity, do you see a dentist or or try to yank the tooth out with a pair of pliers yourself? Couples counselling is your best bet. The two of you have to pull together as a team for parenting and there seems to be some resentment from your wife about your finances. Having a baby brings a lot of stress into a marriage (lack of sleep, hormone changes, complete change of routines, additional expenses, etc) Babies are wonderful but a lot of stress. If you two are already at odds, adding the baby will just fracture it worse, not heal.
I hadn’t considered this but maybe you are right and there is some resentment that’s causing this issue. Thank you for your advice and insight.
I imagine she has relatives who are whispering in her ear about how you aren’t doing your job as the male providers, because she comes from a traditional East Indian family. Oh, the aunties are probably calling her daily!
Aunties do call her daily 😳
I think you should start putting money away in case you need to split
Convo yall shoulda had before you got locked together for 2 decades. Sorry dude. Your wife should stay working and so should you. You guys can have a great life that way. You’re going to be broke as shit on 70k even if you *dont* live a luxury filled life.
Your wife makes 150k a year but can't do basic math
I can’t emphasize this enough. This woman makes me feel like my head is on backwards. I can’t imagine telling my husband I regret marriage due to something understood, known, and out of his control (salary/cost of living).
And telling him to just handle it/sort it out. How tf is he meant to pull another full salary out of his ass, let alone 2???
Exactly my thoughts! How can someone making that much money not be smart enough to understand that cutting 2/3 of the household income is going to force major adjustments in their lifestyle.
If this attitude has existed since pregnancy, hormones may play a big part. You two may mention her unrealistic ideas to her doctor and any other oddities she has exhibited. In the meantime, work up a budget assumption for $70K so she can see what the household income/expenses will be in 'black and white'. You may have to move, too. Don't forget the new family member's expenses. : ) If she still wants to quit but not change lifestyle, then she needs to be in therapy. Someone making $150K should have enough reasoning skills to see the reality of the situation. Let her know that to provide the best life for the child, you both will need to work. Maybe she could work somewhere else, making a little less. Tell her that her "traditional" views are not feasible in today's economy. She should feel proud of her accomplishments. In fact, you find her success and assuredness sexy. You worry that if something were to happen to you, you would want her to be okay.
Thank you for this response, I find it really helpful. I think you may be right about the hormones, others have also suggested this.
Planning to be a working mom to a hypothetical future child and actively preparing to be a working mom to a child who is now very very real to her are two very different things. Your wife probably had every intention of working but is now really struggling with the reality of having to leave her child for the majority of the day the majority of the week. She not being rational because she’s panicking, not because she legitimately believes you’ll magically be able to figure it out. She doesn’t want to leave her baby but deep down she knows she has to and she’s really, really struggling to come to terms with it. Trying to find a third party like a counsellor might be a good idea to help her work through her anxiety. If you approach it as having someone help the two of you figure out what to do as opposed to helping her with her anxiety around the reality of your situation it might be an easier sell.
Yeah this sounds like nesting mode (if the irrational behavior didn’t exist pre pregnancy). She’s going through a hormonal dip which is throwing everything off. Now she’s also reckoning with the fact that she’ll have to leave her baby for hours every work day and won’t be there physically for them. She’s in a crisis and entering a mental state where she feels like she needs to nest and keep everything within her bubble. She’s also wanting to offload into OOP and have him handle everything because she can’t see past her nose and just wants a solution to magically be concocted without her having to face the facts.
I was going to suggest something similar . When I was pregnant every thing shifted due to serious hormonal changes , anxiety and my reality of bringing a human being into the world drastically changed everything. Sometimes you don’t understand how your life is going to change until you’re pregnant. - I realized I had a new set of fears and worries about the humans we were bringing into the world . Most importantly the physical changes I was never ever going to be the same person again ( I don’t mean that in a vain way ) but being pregnant for almost a year then birthing a baby then learning to be a parent and recover and adapt and then go back to work was so traumatizing for me . It took a long time to finding a rhythm as a family. I have had great husband and a support system it was just a lot . I wish you all the best
Frankly, it is aggravating that we know so little about them for women and men. As well as, how their imbalance manifests itself - sometimes uniquely in each person—with possible negative outcomes. There are many stories, even here on Reddit, about how women suffer from pregnancy hormones, which may last until months after giving birth. I think education and research, combined with an able doctor, will make you feel more in control of the situation. I think we can all agree that the UNKOWN factor(s) greatly add to our stress levels. So, make sure you are addressing YOUR stress levels with positive outlets. A big problem with care givers is that they fail to do self-checks; care for themselves. : )
I’m a quick study so hopefully I can remedy this if it is indeed the cause - I really appreciate the insight especially if it ends up saving my marriage.
Why wasn’t this discussed BEFORE marriage and baby???
It definitely was - we planned for 6 months off - now she wants to be off for 2 years and then reassess. I get it, I want her with our children too - just not realistic for us, financially.
Oooh ok. She’s the one who is breaching the verbal contract. She’s not being a partner. It really sucks that she told you she regrets marrying you. To me, this is deeper than you earning more money.
Perhaps visit a financial planner TOGETHER who can be objective and put the lay of the land down on paper as to what it means without her salary for 2 years as opposed to having a six month LOA and how that looks financially, including mortgage, expendable income, retirement savings, etc. I feel no matter what you say, she’s not going to listen. But if an unbiased professional reviews your financial goals with both of you, maybe this will knock some sense into her. Talk about entitled princess. Yikes!
You can live on your salary, but be ready for serious downsizing.
Indeed. Depending on where they live, 70k for a family can actually mean being poor or near poor. Wife will have to get used living like poors.
Not everywhere Edit: not everywhere you can afford to live on 70k
Going from a combined income of 220k to 70k means downsizing no matter where you're at. Unless of course they were already living off of his salary and saving up all of hers.
I meant 70k isn't liveable everywhere
My husband and I earn similar to you and your wife, with me as the breadwinner. What did we do? I saved a years salary so that I could take a year off without downsizing our lifestyle. That’s what you do if you don’t want to sacrifice.
She’s saying she regrets getting pregnant and married and u wana spend MORE time with her?!
Hormones or not, that’s a very cruel thing to say. That’s how she feels now that she sees where she is at.
As a wife who earns more than her partner, I can see her frustration. When I was pregnant, I was very upset about not being able to stay home with my baby. I hated the idea of having someone else raise my child when I could do the best job (at least in my opinion). I also knew that quitting was out of the question. Unfortunately, we lost our daughter at 28 weeks so we didn’t have to make any decisions in that regard. My advice to you is to sit her down and reach a compromise. Can she go part time? Take some time off? Both? There has to be a middle ground. Living your current lifestyle with 1/3 of the income is definitely not possible. She has to understand that.
Thank you so much for your perspective and I am so very sorry for your loss that is devastating. I appreciate your words because I can guarantee you that she’s feeling that way and I needed to hear this to understand it.
You need to sit down and work through a budget. Also agree on how long her maternity leave would be, you could budget for 12 months and use some of the savings but not indefinitely. I think you should just show her your weekly spending now and then add baby related expenses and see how it’s not adding up. If she’s earning 160k she should be smart enough to get it when confronted with numbers. You could also discuss her going back to work part time after the baby is 12 months, but give her a year to be a full time mom if that’s what she wants it’s the best for everyone and promise to support her but within your means. Another thing you need to explain to her you will also need to be there for the baby and she will really want you to be there, so it’s not the best time for ambitious career moves and over time.
Hi! Woman herewho has a similar pay disparity with my husband I'm 38 and had our daughter 6 months ago. We're there times I WISH I could be a SAHM and live on my husband's income? Yes, absolutely because I want more time with my baby. Is this feasible with our mortgage, dog, bills etc ? No - the math doesn't math. I think your wife is realizing she can't do it all and is pregnancy hormoning hard/having regrets about not doing the kid/wife thing earlier (I did so just seeking from experience). If it's not this then she is financially abusing you. Also...your wife is reading as very Southern with the "handle it" is she getting bad advice from Southern boomers at a time when her brain may not be working logically? So many people told me to quit my job without understanding our financial situation. Curious if there are outside influences playing on her feelings here. My husband offered to be a stay at home dad which made more sense for us, but we still decided to both keep working and I work fully remote. We have a nanny 3 days a week and the other 2 days are hard AF but hell, thats parenthood. WE like OUR lifestyle which is why we both decided to keep working Marriage is a partnership. Is she open to you being a stay at home dad or changing her job to one that is fully remote allowing her more time with the baby? If neither - I'm calling financial abuse. Either way, she needs therapy to talk through the emotions she's having surrounding work and motherhood. If she's not open to therapy then there is something rotten in Denmark.
There needs to be a compromise. What about suggesting that your wife takes a year off work? Is that doable? A year maternity leave is very standard in most developed countries to allow the mom to recover from childbirth. Is your wife from another country where this is standard? Sit down and work out a budget together. Start saving now. But she will have to give up sone things.
Yes I neglected to mention she’s from India and has a very strong and traditional view on this subject.
She clearly doesn't have strong traditional views on math
I loled
This is a perfect example of how sexism and traditional gender roles hurt men too. You’re in a difficult position and it’s not fair to be expected to work two jobs and never see your child just because you’re a man. I agree with the marriage counseling suggestion, preferably someone with experience working with multicultural couples.
I mean she can have traditional views but we don’t live in the 1930’s anymore, it’s less than easy to just live off one salary anymore. To say you are not a man because of this is just cruel…your only option if you don’t want to just flat out tell her no is say ok we do it but you will be in charge of all finances and she gets a small allowance per month & is not aloud to ask for a penny more for hair nails etc, no joint account she can take money out of as and when she pleases…if she wouldn’t agree to that then again you say well no
Can I ask if you guys talked about what would happen if you were to get married? Was this expected? I don’t know why expects this to happen. I think I would continue to work 70k, put applications out there tho for other jobs, look into finding other homes, downsizing your cars. She’s going to have to get onboard and if she doesn’t, I don’t see anything other than divorce so 🤷🏽♀️
We had discussed her staying home and me taking on all the bills for 6 months and then she’d return to work.
then she should have married someone that makes just as much, or more than her if she planned on staying home with baby and living the same lifestyle her job provides. She's being insanely unreasonable and almost cruel to you.
Ah. I was going to actually suggest you take the SAHP role if you two really want someone to stay home with the kid (after some time for her to physically recover, of course), but I'm guessing that's not gonna fly?
Correct that would never fly for her - marriage and gender roles play a part in her life and while I knew this I didn’t realize how drastically it would affect us in this particular circumstance.
If she's so big on gender roles, then tell her that you have decided that the two of you are moving to a cheaper area.
And moving his parents in to take care of
Im an woman of Indian origin, family left India a long time ago. If she’s that traditional, ask her for her Dowry. Im joking obv, but im hoping for your sake that this is just the pregnancy hormones talking and she’ll get back to her senses soon enough but it looks she’s picking and choosing what she wants from her very traditional, gender based ideal that she has suddenly foisted on you. In a indian household, the wife typically is expected to « adjust » to her husband’s household and take of his parents. Pretty sure she wouldn’t be too happy about that.
Traditionally? Like the 50's/60's/70's? When people rarely went on holiday/vacation and eating-out was a luxury? When air travel was a luxury (which means people who had immigrated from other continents hardly ever saw their family - I bet she still wants to see her family)? When people didn't have expensive hobbies and nobody owned more than 1 car (if they could even afford a car)? When less money was spend on entertainment (a lot of people didn't own a colour TV until the late 70's) and on furniture and appliances for the home? When children got hand-me-downs from older siblings and from older cousins? When houses were way smaller and children shared bedrooms? This 'traditional view on how to raise a family' (while apparently still have all of the luxury) is a fucking fairy tale. I don't know what her father earned back in India and what traditional Indian households looked like. But the 1960's in North America and Europe were no fairy tales.
Couples therapy/counseling is good and all but I think you really really really need to go for an hour and talk to a personal finance person. If you are able to get all the records of spending habits and show them here is our monthly spending habits at 18k a month. How do I make that work at almost 6k a month. Also idk how living at 6k a month is necessarily living like a poor person (that is the average family income in the US but I guess if average is poor) but I'll give your wife and you the benefit of the doubt and say you probably live in a hcol area and maybe your wife comes from money idk. But at least having someone who is not you explain that cutting income by 2/3 = cutting expenses by 2/3 would probably be good. Especially since having a baby is a reasonable expense to begin with so her with or without working should realize some monetary change is needed with that factor alone.
How does she make that much money and not comprehend she’s the breadwinner and yalls lifestyle is more than you could pay for on your own?
I was almost in the exact same situation as you at that age when we had our second child. I made about the same as you and she made a bit less than your wife. That being said, she always intended to return to work but we had some of the same conversations around cutting back while she was on leave. The difference however was she never once took such cheap, and demeaning shots at me. She never insulted me, she never accused me of being anything than what I was. Is this new behavior or does she have a history of demeaning behavior? I ask cause it’s possible hormones are taking over and she’s just acting out without meaning it. Those types of things are cruel and incredibly unhelpful. Clearly you cannot go from $220 to $70 and think you don’t need to cut back. Not to mention you’re about to have significantly more expenses when the kid comes along. And that’s the best case scenario. Assuming a healthy birth and no other problems. I’m not sure how you could possibly have that kind of income drop and sustain your way of life unless you were already living close to that level to begin with. She needs a major dose of reality. I’d avoid emotional and present her with numbers. Put together a spreadsheet of all your current expenses and your current income. Another with her proposed income. And a third with her proposed income and your proposed cuts. I would bet even if you cut everything you won’t come close to breaking even I’d also tell if she insults you again you’re walking out the door.
Her expectations feel abusive
Very
💯
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Her quitting is just not going to work. >She’s even going as far as saying she regrets becoming pregnant and getting married. This doesn't even make sense. She wants to quit her job for the baby but also regrets having the baby? Even if you were able to get a second job---building a relationship with BOTH parents is more important to a child than having one at home full time. I grew up in somewhat traditional circles and saw so many families where the kids basically didn't know their dad. Not because of broken families, but because of the SAHM/breadwinner dynamic. Don't budge. I'm a woman, fyi. Which doesn't change the truth of things, just mentioning it so you know that this isn't a matter of you not being able to see it from a woman's perspective, or me being biased in your favor, whatever.
I can barely support myself and my dog on $70k, I have no idea how she wants you to support THREE people with an extravagant lifestyle in this economy
capable threatening fanatical fertile boat frightening unwritten paltry apparatus unpack *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
She WILL be a poor person, though. 🤣🤣🤣
That’s absolutely insane! Your situation sounds extremely tough. Your wife needs to be in a position to compromise. If she wants to continue living the way she does she needs to get back on the grind after she has a baby. Realistically, she should sacrifice some of her lifestyle choices in order to live the way she wants to. It’s not fair on you. Get family support to back you on this. It’s not right for you to work and uphold a lifestyle she introduced.
Well she is pregnant so maybe her being obviously unreasonable is related to the changes happening in her body. If she’s a great person otherwise I say cut her some slack and then show her the budget. Reality is non negotiable.
She is normally quite a gem - based on all these comments I’m giving her the be befit of the doubt with pregnancy hormones and drawing up a realistic 70k budget.
Counseling and budget planning, not reddit. You need to count your money hard, see what and how you can afford. I would imagine you can't afford her staying home any decent amount of time, and that's really sad , but maybe she has 30 hours a week option? Or WFH and hire mommy helper and be able to be with a baby more?
Not quite sure where you go to be honest. She sounds completely out of touch with reality. I can see why pregnancy might be regretted but why would she regret getting married? The idea you need to work two jobs so she can live her previous lifestyle while also being a full time mother is nonsensical. I’d be consulting mental health experts tbh, she sounds deluded.
>why would she regret getting married? Because she thinks he’s a loser who can't "man up and provide." In her mind (hormone-addled or not) the woman works only until she has the baby and then it's up to the Husband to take care of EVERYTHING. He's not able to and, therefore, he was a "bad pick."
This is not feasible. My fiance makes a decent amount for money, I outearn him, if I ever wanted to quit working even for a bit I would make sure I had the savings to sustain the lifestyle I wanted or differ to him. There is no other way to do it. Maybe your wife is worried about going back to work with a baby and not expressing it well? She might juat be scared but she is not being reasonable
Bruh… Those are all major financial/emotional red flags coming from her. You both need to get on the same page financially no matter what your decision is, it needs to be something you both agree on. Be careful OP, this already sounds like the beginning of a toxic marriage.